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thathalloweengal · 5 years

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Christmas Eve at Wayne Manor (fanfic)

Bruce Wayne threw another log on the fire, it crackled angrily at him but its warmth soothed his weary bones. It was Christmas Eve and the newly renovated Wayne Manor had been decorated thoroughly, bright red and gold tinsel was draped from the oak staircase, a massive fern tree stood tall in the lounge and hundreds of tiny multicolored lights were hanging everywhere. The coffee table even had freshly baked cookies on it, still warm from the oven and spreading the smell of cinnamon throughout the house.

Bruce had one hell of a night, some idiot with powers called Gentleman Ghost decided to hold Mayor Grange and some city council members to ransom. When Bruce got the call it seemed like a cake walk but he didn't expect some damn councilman to be in on it. One maniac in a pig mask, two stab wounds and a pair of bruised ribs later, Bruce felt far older than he was. Ten years ago he would have been ready for them. The two newcomers to Gotham would have been taken down by what onlookers would only be able to describe as some kind of Bat demon, instead of that fifty year old playing dress up with kevlar.

"A dollar for your thoughts, Master Wayne?"

Not for the first time in his career, Alfred Pennyworth cut through Bruce's self criticism.

"Maybe when I was a kid, my thoughts are a little more expensive now"

"Damn inflation rates" Alfred sighed, sitting down in a nearby recliner and nursing a glass of what was probably cognac

"The guests should be arriving shortly" Alfred said after a moment

"Yeah they should be, you did a great job with all this by the way" Bruce nodded at the decorations and the tree

"Thank you sir, between being tactical support and stitching up near fatal wounds, I too believe that my calling lies in holiday planning"

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"Unfortunately I did not have the time but Mr. Allen thankfully stepped into my shoes"

"That kid's got a lot of heart" Bruce smiled

"Makes one remember brighter Christmases, doesn't it? I just wish he'd stop calling me Elfred"

"I always wanted you to have an irritating nickname" Bruce giggled

"Well bully for you sir, I suppose you are absolutely elated with Master Allen's choice for you?"

The look of confusion on Bruce's face prompted Alfred's reply "Bat Dad"

Bruce grimaced on the outside but deep down kept a slight warm feeling of contentment to himself, it had been a long time since anyone thought of him as a father figure.

"Any luck finding Curry?" Bruce asked

"Won't answer any communications but satellites have pinpointed him in a large stretch of ocean, near where the legendary city of Atlantis was once alleged to stand"

"More turkey for us" Bruce dismissed

A bolt of blue lightning sped into the room, carrying Barry Allen along it, he was wearing a sweater with a half eaten gingerbread man on it.

"Speaking of turkey, I don't know if you guys know this but I'm a vegetarian"

"Your dietary needs have already been catered for, Mr. Allen"

"You're awesome, Elfred"

Alfred rolled his eyes and took a long sip of cognac. Bruce decided to give his old friend a break from the young speedster by bringing back a Wayne family tradition.

"Barry, would you mind heading over to the cave and picking up the package beside the car?"

"The Batmobile?" Barry beamed

"The Batmobile" Bruce confirmed with a reassuring smile

Barry was gone in a flash, back into his blue lightning and out of the room. A few moments later he reappeared with a large crate as tall as he was, it had his lightning symbol on it.

"What is this?" Barry asked, slightly concerned

"Only one way to find out"

Barry raced around the crate, unbuckling straps and somehow removing screws, before finally removing the cover. Inside was a new costume, something that Bruce had his company create as a gift to Barry. Its design was much more refined than the current costume and had cutting edge Wayne Tech inside.

"Early present" Bruce explained

In the blink of an eye, Barry changed into the costume. It looked impressive on him, more like high tech armor than something someone had lovingly thrown together from NASA's dumpster. It's finish was a darker shade of red than Barry had previously sported and small holographic displays were already updating him on crimes around the city.

"Holy crap, this is so cool"

Barry superspeeded Bruce into a hug before saying something that sounded like:

"I'mGonnaTakeItForATestRunThanksBatDad"

Another blink and the blue lightning had once more carried Barry out of the room and through the front doors. Alfred smirked.

"That should keep him busy for at least a few minutes"

"Been getting under your feet?"

"Like you wouldn't believe, you are aware that he moved in upstairs?"

"Who do you think gave him the room"

Alfred chuckled a little before becoming a little more reserved.

"Does he know about the..."

Bruce cut Alfred off, immediately shaking his head, a matter of importance lay in the air between them.

"I wanted everyone to know" Bruce said softly "I'll tell them tonight"

Three knocks at the front door cut through their conversation.

"More of your unruly children, I think" Alfred grinned

Bruce got to his feet as Alfred topped up his cognac with a bottle from a nearby cabinet. Bruce pulled a massive door open to be greeted by a gust of cold wind, Clark Kent, Martha Kent and Lois Lane. Bruce took their coats and led them over to a sofa. He poured Lois and Martha drinks from the cabinet, Clark asked if he could get some hot cocoa instead, which Alfred kindly obliged, rising from his recliner and making his way into the kitchen.

"How's Perry doing?" Bruce asked, Lois and Clark's boss was an old acquaintance of his

"Same as always this time of year" Lois answered, taking a sip of her beverage "Santa hat on, singing Christmas songs older than the building, it's adorable"

"He's also very generous" Martha added

"But only to this one" Lois squeezed Clark's hand "He got the highest bonus that Perry has ever given anyone"

Bruce raised an eyebrow and Clark blushed.

"I don't think our cover story of how Clark Kent and Superman died around the same time and came back around the same time but definitely aren't the same person washes with Perry"

"He's too good of a reporter" Bruce replied

"We talking about the same Perry White that buries stories because they're too quote un quote invigorating for our readers" Clark spoke up

"Well he used to be a good reporter" Bruce said sheepishly "He rumbled me as the Bat a couple of days after he met me for an interview"

"How did you handle that?"

"Ever wonder how the Planet stays afloat despite hemorrhaging subscriptions and sales?"

The two reporters froze, no doubt wondering if Perry was blackmailing him or if Bruce was lying. It was unlikely that they knew they were talking to the secret owner of the Daily Planet.

Another knock to the door provided Bruce with the perfect moment to leave the three. Opening the door, once more, he found Diana arm in arm with a woman who must've been at least seven feet tall, they were both wearing stunning dresses. Bruce showed them inside and over to the Kents. Diana explained that her companion was called Mala, she was an Amazon and had just been exiled from their Island. They went back a very long time together and were now picking up their relationship.

Bruce had never seen Diana so happy, she was absolutely gleaming with joy, holding her partner's hand and joining in with the rest of them laughing at Clark's hot cocoa mustache.

A flash of blue lightning returned to the room, dropping off Victor Stone and Victor's father Silas.

"Look who I found outside" Barry announced, trying to hide his broken holographic displays and partially destroyed costume from Bruce

With one more flash, Barry changed back into his gingerbread man sweater and jeans. Bruce made a mental note to ask him about his misadventure later, but for the time being simply hugged Victor and shook Silas's hand, before pouring them out drinks.

The holiday party started well enough, Barry and Victor were talking about video games, Lois and Clark were sharing incredible "How we met" stories with Diana and Mala, and the sounds of jingle bell rock played throughout the old house. Bruce hadn't seen it this alive and full of love since his parents were there.

Bruce felt himself slipping into the past, he could almost hear his father telling him that he could open one present early. Feeling a little overcome with emotion, Bruce put on his coat and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and to calm his nerves.

Bruce wanted nothing more than to be back inside, be with this new family he had helped create, but he knew that he would have to leave them soon enough. Why prolong the inevitable. Over the last five years, he had been through a lot, both mentally and physically. Jason's death, the fallout from the battle of Metropolis, his obsessive crusade against Clark and all of the guilt that followed after. Even helping to kill monsters like Luthor's creature and Steppenwolf didn't alleviate the demons and the damage inside Bruce.

The situation was made even worse by the fact that In the last couple of years Bruce found himself having nightmares, very real feeling nightmares. They'd always start differently, sometimes on a ruined Earth with soldiers wearing Superman's symbol, other times in an alley with Bruce himself snapping the Joker's neck. These dreams would have him being captured or buried alive or even breathing in the Joker's poison. They always ended the same way, regardless of if it was Clark, Joker or some mad man claiming to be his own father, Bruce would always be too slow, too beat up, too arrogant, Bruce always died.

Before he woke from these dreams though, Bruce would have a vision of Barry. Not the Barry currently in Wayne Manor, dancing terribly to the music of George Michael but an older, more tired looking Barry. He always gave advice and warnings before leaving. Advice that had helped calm Clark when he was brought back to life. He told Bruce that Lois was the key, had he not done that, Bruce expected things would have gone much worse than they did. Occasionally Barry yelled about being in the middle of a Crisis, about needing to correct something called a fractured timeline and told Bruce to be prepared for worse days to come.

These dreams and every night he patrolled Gotham convinced Bruce that he was seriously incapable of dealing with whatever the future held. Tomorrow as his friends celebrated, he would be on a plane to a city called Nanda Parbat, where he would seek the mythical Lazarus Pit it was infamous for. He hoped that it could heal his body and purge his soul of the pain that weighed him down.

Most people who looked for the Pit died climbing the mountain that hid the city, those who survived disappeared, never to be heard from again. That didn't put Bruce off however, he had inside information that the Pit lay somewhere within the palace of the Sensai, the ancient leader of Nanda Parbat. Bruce's only problems were getting to it through an entire league of assassins and any side effects the Pit might cause him. The only person he knew who had done this before wasn't exactly the picture of sanity, of course neither was Bruce.

"Only you would brood at Christmas" teased a voice approaching him through the snow

Holding a small stack of presents, Commissioner Jim Gordon smiled comfortingly at Bruce.

"Sorry I'm late, some damn fool decided to save the Mayor and tie me up in paperwork and reporters"

"Sounds like a real hero type" Bruce replied "A billionaire playboy like myself wouldn't know anything about that"

Bruce couldn't keep a straight face, Bruce and Jim embraced and kissed. His lips were chapped and he tasted of tobacco but it was Bruce's favorite feeling. When they seperated, Jim looked like something was troubling him.

"What's wrong?" Bruce asked

"I was just wondering, will this be the last time we do that?"

"Hopefully not" Bruce said playfully but Jim looked somber

"I know that you have to go, that for you to stay fighting in a world of super crazies you need this elixir of mumbo jumbo, but I worry"

"That I'll come back different?"

"That you won't come back at all" Jim said, sadly "Bruce I care about you, I don't want you to end up dead in some snowy hell hole"

"Good thing I'm Batman then" Bruce said, taking Jim's hand in his own "One thing you can count on in Gotham, even a small time crook could tell you, when Jim Gordon stands on top of Police HQ and lights that big Signal up, the Batman comes running, might take him a while to get there but he'll always show up"

Jim looked like he was trying to suppress a smile but it quickly broke through.

"What will we do without you?"

"Oh I'm sure you'll cope for a while but just in case I did ask Dick to look in on you from time to time"

"You two are talking again?"

"I know it's a Christmas miracle" Bruce chuckled

"I'll keep your damn oversized nightlight running" Jim agreed "Might scare some superstitious cowards"

Hearing a commotion inside, Bruce and Jim glanced through one of the windows. Barry had supersped an Elf hat onto a sleeping Alfred, Diana was dancing with Martha Kent and Clark and Victor were playing Twister, though Bruce wasn't sure who brought it, Mala and Lois were refereeing.

"You going in?" Jim asked "I've always wanted to meet Superman" he grinned cheekily

"Only if you're my plus one" Bruce said, more cheesily than he had originally hoped

Bruce walked back into Wayne Manor, Jim close by his side. Bruce had no idea what Nanda Parbat would do to him but for now at least he was content sipping tea, giving presents and sharing this night with the people he cared for most.

#Batman #Bruce Wayne #Christmas Eve #Barry Allen #The Flash #Alfred Pennyworth #Christmas #DCEU #Worlds of DC #Superman #Wonder Woman #Jim Gordon

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Superman & Lois Easter Eggs are a Love Letter to Every Era of DC History

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This article contains Superman & Lois spoilers.

Superman & Lois Episode 11

If you just tuned in to Superman & Lois episode 11, “A Brief Reminiscence In-Between Cataclysmic Events” a few minutes in, and perhaps without having seen the previous episodes, you might be forgiven for thinking that this is in fact the pilot episode for a brand new show about the Man of Steel. While every other Arrowverse superhero began life with a fairly detailed origin story episode (or season!), by the time we first met Tyler Hoechlin as Superman and Bitsie Tulloch as Lois Lane, both characters were meant to be well established in their world and careers. The actual first episode of Superman & Lois reminded us that these two were so “seasoned” that they’re already the parents of twin teenagers!

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So there are still plenty of questions to be asked about the backstories of our title characters, and “A Brief Reminiscence In-Between Cataclysmic Events” is a big step towards that. But it’s so much more than a “how did Lois and Clark meet/Clark’s first time in costume/Superman getting established in Metropolis” episode. It’s a genuine love letter to both of these characters, and one that successfully encompasses the entirety of their 83 year history.

Oh, and it manages to do all of that while ALSO still moving the main story of the season forward nicely. It’s an incredibly versatile episode, and a fine piece of storytelling in its own right, making the well-worn beats of the Superman origin story feel fresh and vital, without losing sight of everything else the season needs to do.

Young Clark Kent and the Fortress of Solitude

The opening of this episode, with young Clark trudging through the arctic, carrying the sunstone and trying to figure out both his and its purpose, is the first of many nods to Richard Donner’s 1978 superhero movie masterpiece, Superman. Clark is even wearing a similar red check flannel jacket to the one Jeff East wore in a similar scene.

Jor-El

The concept of Jor-El as an AI that runs the Fortress of Solitude (as well as the Fortress itself stemming from a Kryptonian artifact) also traces its roots back to Donner’s Superman film. That was the first time we got the notion that Clark had to learn about his powers and alien heritage from the collected memories of his biological father and his people, and it’s updated nicely here.

Man of Steel

Clark’s first flight in the arctic, with Jor-El’s words ringing in his ears, well…again, Donner’s Superman. But specifically the way it’s presented here with Clark’s powerful takeoff and unsteady first moments it feels a lot like a similar moment in Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel.

The Fleischer Superman Costume

While we did hear Superman say “my mom made it for me” in the first episode, here we get to see more of why that actually happened. Clark’s current suit definitely feels like something slightly alien, perhaps the Kryptonian ceremonial wear it was hinted as being in Donner’s Superman (the first place to use the “S” as a Kryptonian house crest), Man of Steel, and recent DC Comics. But for the majority of Superman’s comic book history, it has always been the case that Martha made Clark’s suit for him.

Superman & Lois splits the difference, though, with Martha having made Clark’s first costume…one that happens to look exactly like the first screen interpretation of Superman ever: the classic Max Fleischer animated Superman shorts which first arrived in 1941. If you haven’t seen these, please do so. They’re gorgeous. Spending more time with that suit in this episode is a real treat, and it’s a perfect illustration of why “less is more” with superhero costuming.

It even kind of explains why the “S” on the original suit wouldn’t be the perfect Kryptonian symbol that Clark and Supergirl wear in the present day: Clark probably helped her design it from memory, since the first time he would have seen his family crest was when the Jor-El hologram appeared to him in the Fortress!

Also, this may or may not have been intentional, but Martha telling Clark “go save the world” before his first adventure also happens in J.J. Abrams never-filmed Superman screenplay, which despite it’s reputation, when it gets stuff right, it really gets it right. I wrote about that in much more detail here.

First Day on the Job

The episode cheats ever so slightly by reusing footage from the pilot with Superman catching the green PT cruiser and chatting with the citizens of Metropolis. But it’s worth repeating that this is a gloriously realized homage to the cover of Superman’s first appearance in 1938’s Action Comics #1. But everyone knows that, right?

But here we go one further, with the revelation that this wasn’t a random flashback, it was truly Clark’s first act in costume as Superman! Again, a nice little tribute to Action #1.

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…

Superman changes back into Clark in a phone booth. I’m not sure at what point in Superman history that the “changing in a phone booth” became such an accepted bit of pop culture lore. It did happen in at least one of the aforementioned Fleischer Superman cartoons, and infrequently in the comics themselves, and almost NEVER in live action. In fact, Donner’s Superman even had a quick sight gag about this, when Christopher Reeve’s Clark is looking for a place to change for his first public act in costume, and gives one of those “modern” (for 1978) non-enclosed phone booths a bemused look.

A passerby notes to Clark that Metropolis’ new hero flew “like a bird or a plane.” This of course nods to the famed narration first popularized by The Adventures of Superman radio show (more on that in a minute) and the Fleischer cartoons: “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…Superman!”

The Daily Planet

We don’t spend a heckuva lot of time at The Daily Planet on this show, but when we do it tries to capture the manic, bustling energy that we saw in Donner’s Superman (wow, that keeps coming up a lot…and with good reason).

Also, how good is Paul Jarrett as Perry White?

Lois Lane

Lois showing Clark the ropes at The Daily Planet is something that goes all the way back to their earliest appearances. I will die on this hill: Lois is slightly older than Clark, and is also the more experienced and better reporter. Even with “all those powers” (the real ones know) she’s at least one step ahead of Clark in the reporter game.

This one might not be intentional, but the montage of Lois and Clark on the job together reminds me very slightly of a montage page from John Byrne and Dick Giordano’s Man of Steel #2, where Lois, trying to track down Superman during his early days in Metropolis, keeps showing up just after he has left.

Lois and Clark staying late on the job has echoes of both the pilot episode of 1993’s Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and the “rooftop scene” from Donner’s Superman. It is the former in that it’s the first indication of a romantic attraction brewing between them (and significant because up until that point in history it was ALWAYS the case that Lois was attracted to Superman and not Clark). But there’s also a hint of the latter in their playful but wary flirtation.

But that’s subverted further with Lois’ exclusive interview with Superman. Just as in Donner’s film, Lois lands the first exclusive interview with the Man of Steel (there it was in private for later print publication, here it’s on TV). But again, Lois isn’t interested in Superman, because she’s already in love with Clark. It completely eliminates the old “love triangle” where “Clark loves Lois, but Lois loves Superman, but Superman wants to be loved as Clark” which has been a staple of the legend for years. This isn’t a bad thing, mind you.

One more thing from that lovely evening scene with Lois and Clark working late: when Clark is getting ready to leave, Lois asks him “what’s your hurry?” In Superman II, when Lois was suspecting the truth about Clark, she asked him “What’s your hurry, Superman?”

Atom Man

OK, the inclusion of Atom Man is some next level stuff. The character first appeared in 1945 on The Adventures of Superman radio show. There, he was “Heinrich Milch” (hence the “Henry Miller” of this episode), a Nazi empowered by Kryptonite in his bloodstream.

We met a different Atom Man in the second Superman movie serial in 1950, the appropriately titled Atom Man vs. Superman. There, Atom Man was the alter ego of Lex Luthor. One of these days I’m going to get around to writing about Columbia’s Superman serials, but today is not one of those days.

The Atom Man we meet here is based on the visual design from Gene Luen Yang and Gurihiru’s EXCELLENT (seriously, I can’t stress enough how absolutely great this book is) Superman Smashes the Klan. That Atom Man was based on the “Henry Miller” version of the character, and thus the racist nonsense spouted by tonight’s villain is appropriate.

One other cool thing about the use of Yang/Gurihiru’s Atom Man? In Superman Smashes the Klan, Supes is rocking a version of his costume that looks very much like the Fleischer suit. The folks on Superman & Lois know exactly what they’re doing. One callback to the movie serial version? It seems that Henry Miller is bald and stocky, much like the very first screen Lex Luthor Lyle Talbot was in Atom Man vs. Superman. It’s like an Easter egg singularity!

Now FLY (do not walk) to your local comic shop to buy a copy of Superman Smashes the Klan which, in what will probably be my final mention of The Adventures of Superman radio show for tonight, is loosely based on a DIFFERENT adventure from the radio show. Anyway, it’s great and the best Superman story to hit comics in approximately a decade or so. Thank me later.

Morgan Edge, Tal-Rho, and Zeta-Rho

This episode continues and reinforces the “nature vs. nurture” debate around Morgan Edge that began last week. Here, the mirroring of his journey with Clark’s is made even more pronounced. Clark was given good guidance by Jonathan and Martha, and those lessons were only reinforced by Jor-El, while Tal-Rho just had those impulses amplified by Zeta-Rho in his desert fortress. Jor-El sent his only son to escape a dying planet in the hopes that he could help another one. Zeta-Rho sent his only son to revive a dying planet at the expense of a vibrant one.

The “headband” that Tal-Rho is using to insert himself into Superman’s memories (and Supes has a matching one) feels like a subtle nod to the fact that headbands were the height of Kryptonian fashion in the comics from the late 1940s until John Byrne’s reboot in 1986.

The apparently successful “turning” of Superman at the end of the episode had better be a red herring. This show has faked us out so many times in its final moments, I really can’t imagine they’re gonna do something as obvious as giving us an “evil Superman” for even one episode.

Other Cool Kryptonian Artifacts

When Clark returns to Smallville and tries to meet up with Lana, there are two films playing at the theater: one is an instalment in the Harry Potter franchise. The other is Friday Night Lights, the movie that inspired the TV show that has been a surprisingly strong influence on a lot of elements of Superman & Lois.

For the Smallville fans, there’s a “Teague’s” sporting goods store visible on the street, as well, possibly a nod to Jensen Ackles’ Jason Teague character from season four of that series.

Yes, Lois does indeed call John Henry Irons at the end of the episode. Steel is coming back!

Clark Kent is a Seinfeld fan! It’s canon! Why is this so significant? Jerry Seinfeld is a noted Superman fan, and on the famed TV show (the greatest TV comedy of the ’90s), there was a very visible Superman magnet on his refrigerator in many episodes. Wait…that causes reality problems that are going to make my brain hurt.

Was anyone able to catch the names of the books on Clark’s nightstand? They look like old sci-fi paperbacks, but I couldn’t tell for sure.

I didn’t spot any significant names in Clark’s yearbook, but I’m old and my eyes are going, so if you spotted anything, please let me know in the comments!

The post Superman & Lois Easter Eggs are a Love Letter to Every Era of DC History appeared first on Den of Geek.

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roninkairi · 7 years

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Better Fights Than Superman Vs. Goku

As long as comic books and manga exists, there will be at least two people arguing about who can take who in a fight. That is a constant that I have learned.

In fandom, there are debates about the levels of power heroes and villains have, the types of feats they have to qualify for a win and loss, morals, strategies, and so on. However, while there is many debates and many matchups that have been put out there, there is one that I can never seemingly have a pure definitive answer for myself: Superman vs. Son Goku.

I’m not going to bore you with the background story for these two heroes. And, to be frank, I don’t really think I’m going to give you a definitive answer about the type of fight these two can have. There are so many variables to consider, not to mention the history these two have (and considering that Dragon Ball Super, a new manga/anime series, is giving Goku new powers to use, I’m not even going to try to gauge their strengths at this moment), picking a winner for me boils down to “who do I like more” and I can’t really do it.

Also: I’M GETTING BORED ABOUT DEBATING THIS.

So, what am I doing? Simple really; I’m proposing other worthwhile matches that you should consider discussing. The following are fights I think are more worthy of debate for fans of comics/cartoons and anime/manga and should make for some interesting questions and analysis. You may be surprised by some of the fights I propose. First up-

Iron Fist (Marvel) vs. Might Guy (Naruto)

This one was not taken lightly by me, especially given what I know of the two. Danny Rand, a martial arts master, manipulates chi and the power of the dragon Shou-Lao to enhance his body and his abilities to super hero levels. Might Guy, a taijutsu master, can tap into the 8 Gates, which can grant him even greater superhuman strength, speed and agilitiy. And given what Guy does during the events of the 4th Shinobi War, Danny would really be tested.

Samurai Jack vs. Goemon (Lupin the 3rd)

I know a lot of you know who Jack is, but you probably may be thinking “Who da hell is GOEMON?” I’ll give you a heads up: Goemon is based on a historical figure, Goemon Ishikawa. (His full name in the series is Goemon Ishikawa XIII). Like Jack, he is a samurai swordsman who is a skilled fighter (Both of these guys are trained in multiple styles) And like Jack, he has a mystical type of sword. (Zantetsuken, a sword made from a meteorite, which can slice through anything) And if you think Jack’s feats were remarkable, you ought to see all the crazy stuff Goemon has been up to in the entire history of the Lupin the 3rd series. (To give you a small example, he has cut through skyscrapers, tanks, squads of armed men and LIGHTNING. I shit you not on that one.) It was no accident that there is a character in Samurai Jack that is based on two Lupin the 3rd characters. I would not be surprised if Jack was inspired by Goemon too.

Popeye vs. Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece)

Another fight that a friend of mine, Katie, had suggested in the past and, quite honestly, this one is more interesting. Two men of the ocean, both of questionable intelligence, fighting it out to see who is the baddest man to sail the seven seas. And also both are ridiculously durable. Seriously, ever see what Popeye goes through WITHOUT eating the spinach? And Luffy can take some serious beatings. (Look up with fight with Rob Lucci)

HOWEVER…there is one other opponent I’d like to see take on the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates.

Reed Richards vs. Monkey D. Luffy

This is a little more logical as both have similar powers. The key difference here is that while Reed Richards may have the intelligence to constantly have Doctor Doom curse his name, Luffy is more of a fighting type of brilliant. And that’s actually important considering all of the opponents that he has bested in combat who are way more intelligent than him. It would be interesting to see how Reed would fare.

Ok this next choice…this one is a doozy because well…just see for yourself.

Freakazoid vs. Bobobo (Bobobo Bo Bo-bobo)

There is no possible way I could accurately describe the chaos involved in a fight like this. For starters, Freakazoid works on a level of random comedic genius we don’t get to see that often and the character himself can’t quite be defined in a conventional term other than “batshit crazy”. And on the other side, we have a manga series that operates purely on frequent and random acts of pure comedic insanity. (Seriously, Fist of the Nose Hair.) In order for me to even consider writing the script for this fight, I would need to be stoned out of my mind. Or, barring that, tripping on serious peyote. But lets face it, it would be funny. So funny it would be illegal.

Now, strictly speaking one of the people involved in this one is from a book series. I’m going to let it slide on the basis that the other series stared as a Light Novel.

Lord Voldermort (Harry Potter) vs. Lina Inverse (The Slayers)

One of these people is a powerful master of magic, wielding powers far beyond our comprehension, whose very name strikes terror in even the most fearsome of creatures and has been responsible for a lot of destruction, leaving even towns burning behind. The other is Voldermort.

Both of these people are respective geniuses at their craft and have gained knowledge of various magic styles. What separates them however is morals; yes Lina DOES have morals despite the fact she likes getting paid handsomely for her services and DESPITE her many nicknames (Like “Enemy of All Who Live”, “Lina The Pink”, “Lina The Bandit Killer”, “Empress of Destruction”, “Natural Disaster Mage”, “No Breasts Demon”—)

Me: Oh shit, I didn’t mean to—

Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!

…as I was saying, the very lovely noble and kind magic user who is merciful to all her foes (I am NOT typing this for fear of my life by the way) has morals whereas Voldermort has no qualms about doing anything to get what he wants. (Dude was willing to a baby because it may have been a threat to him. There’s no grey area there.) Plus, despite being nigh immortal, Voldermort would be hard pressed to fight a mage who knows spells that can hurt your very soul.

So there you have it, some of my choices for a better fight than Superman vs. Goku. And before I go, here is the joke fight that, admittedly, I would be happy to see…

Perry the Platypus vs. Kyuubey

…face it, it would be AWESOME.

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tessatechaitea · 5 years

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Superman: Up in the Sky #1

If Superman throws a single punch in this series, I'll quit writing comic book reviews forever. Or I'll call Tom King a hack. One of those!

If I were going to write a Superman series, I'd embrace the biggest problem everybody says they have with Superman: he's so powerful that he's boring. He would never encounter a threat to his physical safety. He would never say stupid shit like, "That actually hurt!" He would never fucking raise a fist to anyone! Why would he need to?! The story would never be about Superman getting his ass beat by the new biggest threat he's ever faced until the big climactic moment where he stands back up and finally knocks the crap out of the villain. I wouldn't even try to trick the readers into feeling some kind of tension that Superman might not be able to handle the big threat. He'd do it easily, issue after issue. Everybody would know that he was going to save the world. But would Superman be able to save Metropolis blindfolded with both hands tied behind his back because some sick kid requested he do it? Make all the drama happen in Clark's work life and his relationship. Will he be able to save the world and make it to Lois's big award ceremony? Can he plan Jimmy Olsen's bachelor party in such a way that Jimmy discovers his fiance is a demon from Hell on his own?! Get fucking imaginative, Superman writers! All of the stuff I'd do, I'm expecting Tom King to do! Man, I'm really getting my hopes up, aren't I?! Tom King probably isn't even going to like the pedestal I've built for him!

Tom King is a hack!

Actually, that was page one and it's the moment after Superman threw that punch! So I don't think it counts as Superman throwing a punch in this series. King probably began the series like this on purpose! That's the last punch Superman is ever going to throw and we didn't get to see it in this series. Because it's all we've seen all the time always! And why?! It's especially galling when Superman punches a regular human. He could seriously injure somebody that way! If I were Superman, my main move would be picking up criminals by the scruff of their necks and wagging my finger in their faces. Above Superman and the robot are narration boxes that say, "Clark. I need you." My guess is that they aren't the robot's thoughts. I bet it's Perry J. Jameson. No, that doesn't make sense since the statement doesn't end in five exclamation points and a swear word. I guess the clue as to who is saying it lies in the gray coloring of the boxes and the little bat symbol inside them. Batman is on a case that he can solve on his own and doesn't need Superman's help at all. What he needs from Superman is for him to tell a little girl that her foster parents and two of her siblings are dead. Obviously Batman can't do that because it would mean scaring the shit out of a little girl. Also it would sort of look like failing to save the girl's family was Batman's fault somehow which it definitely wasn't. Batman hasn't failed to stop random violence for thirty years even though he vowed to. He probably would have if the medium of comic books wasn't stuck in a constant present. People sometimes think it's ridiculous that The Joker is always getting out of Arkham and murdering people. Sometimes they even suggest maybe Batman is at fault a little bit for not killing The Joker. But what they don't realize is that The Joker is always both in and out of Arkham. Batman never really catches The Joker but he also always catches The Joker and he may, in fact, have only caught The Joker the one time (but in a million different ways). If you want to take comic book canon seriously, might I suggest first getting a lobotomy? I thought maybe Superman was going to comfort the girl because that's a job for Superman. But instead he grills her so he can get all of the details for a Clark Kent exclusive. Unless maybe he's just trying to get a lead. But why would he need a lead? Batman is on the case! Superman should just stick to doing the jobs meant for Superman, like making little girls feel better and writing complimentary articles about himself under a pseudonym.

Superman is nothing more than the journalistic version of an ambulance chaser. Also, um, what does "Kansas isn't in Kansas anymore" mean?

Superman's job for this issue is to find the missing girl. You might think that's Batman's job. But Batman's job is to punch the person who took the girl until that person is hospitalized with internal injuries that won't kill him (because that's wrong) but will force him to use a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Hey, he knew the probably consequences of crime in Gotham! Superman doesn't think of finding the girl as a job. His job is to easily dispatch dinosaurs in downtown and easily stop asteroids from colliding with Earth. His passion is saving little girls. It's all he thinks about while the comic book images portray him doing his job. Just as easily as I said I'd write Superman saving the world. I think maybe Tom King and I are on the same page.

Tom King is a hack!

I don't know. I guess it's okay to show Superman punching a guy with an atomic skull. Or is that the opposite of okay?! Shouldn't you handle nuclear material carefully? Punching Atomic Skull in the face could result in a nuclear catastrophe, couldn't it?! Why doesn't he just use his freeze breath for everything?! Except maybe crashing planes. And rescuing kidnapped children from space men. Superman feels like he doesn't have time in his life to pursue his passions so he goes to speak with Pa Kent. Not zombie Pa Kent like you're probably thinking because remember how he died on Clark's prom night? I guess that didn't happen now. Rebirth and whatever stories I probably missed because I stopped reading every single DC comic book because DC kept insisting on hiring terrible writers like redactedell and redactedenti and J. T. redacted. Pa gives Clark some good advice full of guilt but it's no Uncle Ben advice. Every relative of every super hero is just out here trying to be as great as Uncle Ben. But I don't think people are going to be quoting this advice to Clark: "Who do you think is going to save that little girl, Clark? Batman? Wonder Woman? Guy fucking Gardner?! Stop worrying about how many people are going to die on Earth while you're in space and just go get that little girl already! Sheesh! You big pansy!" But Pa's a Midwest farmer so he used a word a little stronger than "pansy." Obviously by "stronger word," I mean "pustule-ridden horse cock." I know a lot of Midwest farmers and they're disgusting! Superman learns that the girl he met in the hospital died from her injuries and/or the incompetence of the doctors. So that's another person Batman failed to save! So now Superman turns his anger to the state of the America's health care so that this never happens again! No, no! He actually gets so mad that he throws a train off of a trestle.

What a piece of shit.

Why is Superman so nervous about leaving Earth? Isn't that exactly the thing every single other DC hero says is happening whenever they're stuck with saving the world from some threat that's far beyond their power to deal with? "The Justice League are on a mission in space! I'm all that's keeping the world from sliding into Hell!" yells Green Arrow every month. Because, seriously, the only reason you rely on Green Arrow is because all the other heroes are in space. All of them. Didn't Superman used to have a clone of himself or a robot that he used for when he was away? Also for when somebody thinks Clark is Superman? Also for when Lois is super horny? Superman heads to Rann to sort through the Zeta Beam data so he can find the bastard who kidnapped the little girl. Her name, by the way, is obviously Alice. There's a lot of literary capital in that name. To sort through the Zeta Beam data, Superman must be hooked up to what I can only describe as a suicide machine.

If Superman can't survive this then who can?! Why does this machine even exist?! Except to kill?

I was reading this as some sort of device to compute Zeta Beam data but it's possible Superman is just staring down the pipe of the regular old Zeta Beam machine. But anybody can be transferred by a Zeta Beam, right? You don't have to be special. But then, maybe this scientist is just finally telling the truth! What if the Zeta Beam really is a suicide machine, destroying the individual zapped by it only to reconfigure a clone on the other end. Sure, the clone has all the same memories and feelings and attitudes of the original body. But the mind in that original body is fucking gone, man! How many times has Adam Strange killed himself in DC continuity?! In the machine, Superman remembers some kid pretending to be Superman who threw himself off of the roof of his house and killed himself. Unless it's not a memory and the machine is just expressing, in an analogy (unless it's a metaphor?), how Superman has just killed himself. It's also possible it's part of the reasons behind Superman needing to save Alice. It's also possible Tom King fucked up his script and forgot what story he was writing. In this new story, Superman wants to quit being Superman because he's too inspiring! But Wonder Woman is all, "So a few kids are going to hurl themselves from rooftops? So what?! You wanting to take responsibility for that is what makes you Superman, and what makes you Superman is what is going to keep driving kids to jump to their deaths! Imagine if Batman were to take responsibility for all the deaths on his watch instead of plugging his hears and going, 'Na na na na na na na na na na na na na?!' That's the guy who should fucking quit!" Maybe she didn't say it in those exact words but why would I repeat the exact words from the comic book? Go fucking buy it yourself! Superman also remembers fighting with Doomsday and Magog and his father, Jor-el. Oh? Hey! Has Jor-el decided to remain on Earth as Pa Kent? Is that the story I missed recently?! In Superman's hallucination, he meets Alice who is super wise but that's only because she's also Superman. It's like when you're in a dream and somebody who isn't you says something really smart or funny. I usually wake up and get angry at my brain. "Why did you give somebody else those lines?!" But then I calm down and remember that my brain came up with those lines all by itself. Then I pat myself in the groin for a few minutes and think, "That'll do, pig. That'll do." Superman: Up in the Sky #1 Rating: A. That bit by Alice at the end is particularly well done. That's why I couldn't comment on it and barely mentioned it. If I could comment on intelligent and wise stuff, do you think I'd be doing comic book commentaries?! I'd be fucking with Shakespeare and Langston Hughes! I'd be commenting on Yeats and Cervantes and Danielewski! Sometimes you just have to accept what height of brow you are and live there like a mud scrabbling land fish. I know I don't have wings! I'mma just slop around down here in the filth while occasionally pretending to understand stuff written by Tom King and Mark Russell.

#Superman #Up in the sky #DC Comics #DC #Comic Book Reviews

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shesgonnachangetheworld · 7 years

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Alright it’s FINALLY over, so thoughts:

yeah it wasn’t very good. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen by a long shot (but then I saw a Sacha Baron Cohen movie once, so), but I watched the extended edition which is apparently more coherent (and did I mention 3 hours good lord). And it’s a shame that it wasn’t good, because it did have a lot of potential (that sure is damning with faint praise huh, it ~had potential) so I’ll go over the good things about it first

1) I thought the cast itself was pretty good. They didn’t have a whole lot to work with in terms of range, but they did their best and that’s really all you can ask. Laurence Fishburne was definitely having fun. I even thought Affleck and whathisfacethesocialnetwork guy weren’t bad, but I think those opinions are unpopular ones and I respect those who disagree

2) I actually thought the idea of making Luthor a sort of nouveau-riche-caffeine-addled-tech bro was....close to working. It didn’t quite work, but it had a lot of potential, but more on that in the “bad stuff”

3) “Batman and Superman don’t like each other because of Ideological Differences, Lex Luthor Plays Them Like a Harp, they fight until they realize That’s Stupid, and then Work Together to Stop Lex Luthor with Wonder Woman” is, in and of itself, a solid plot if you absolutely must got the “they hate each other then respect each other” route (I probably wouldn’t, but that’s going too far into “If this was a completely different movie it’d be a better movie” territory and I try to avoid that flavor of criticism)

4) I’m glad they kept the best thing about Man of Steel, aka Lois Gets to be an Actual Reporter who’s Mostly Competent (we’ll get back to that “mostly” in a bit)

5) Everyone said that Wonder Woman showing up was the best part of the movie and they were 100% right

What I’m saying is, the bones of a good movie were there! It was possible! But it didn’t work, at least not for me, because:

1) It was already built on a shaky foundation. Man of Steel was, similarly, not great, but the biggest problem was that it already made Superman into the broody, tortured hero (a Very Bad decision of which I could write an essay on by itself, let me tell you) so now that we have him meet Batman, who wrote the (comic) book on being broody and tortured, all we have is two tortured dudes brooding at each other, when the point of a Batman-Superman property is how they contrast, at least on the surface, which leads me to

2) the reasons they hate each other don’t make sense. I mean, they make sense on the surface (having Bruce Wayne be there at the battle in Metropolis at the beginning was a good idea), but later Batman does the exact same thing when he leads Doomsday back to Gotham (yes they went through lengths to have Batman say that the port was abandoned, but it a) still caused a shitload of property damage, and more importantly b) still got the giant radioactive monster way closer to civilians than it should have ever been, and seeing as Batman’s a tech guy with Alfred as his tech support, there should have been more than one way to get someone to bring the spear to the island), and similarly, Superman as Clark Kent talks about how Batman “doesn’t answer to anybody” and whatever, which like....neither does Superman. Was the hypocrisy an intentional commentary? Was it meant to be a subtle parallel? I doubt it, because nothing about this movie is subtle.

3) The thing about making Lois competent is that when you need her to do stupid, questionable shit, the fact that what she’s doing is stupid and questionable becomes all the more obvious

4) Lex Luthor as nouveau-riche-caffeine-addled-tech bro would have worked better if they had made him a little less.....quirky. I once heard someone say that it was like they originally had the joker and luthor in the movie together and then just ended up smashing them into one, which is pretty accurate. At times he comes across as too much of a loose cannon to be That Guy Who Played The World’s Greatest Detective Like Fiddle, and tbh I have no idea what they were going for with him at the end (did the Krypton Goo make him psychic? was he alluding to Darkseid? I honestly couldn’t tell ya).

But playing him as the nerd-bro-reddit-atheist-must-prove-he’s-the-smartest-in-the-room guy who grew up poor until he and his abusive father had enough money and then his father died gives him an old school lex “i worked for power and i’m jealous that you’re just born with it” motive along with with a sort of modern sensibility. Or it could have been, if they had reigned him in a bit (I’m not sure how much of that was socialnetwork’s acting choices and how much was the direction but either way, there were too many weird choices to make a consistent character)

Also, they should have just let him be bald from the beginning, or done something else with his hair because it was just distracting how bad it was

5) there’s a scene that takes place off the Indian Ocean that’s so beautiful in colors, that it makes the fact that the rest of the movie is so bleak-looking very obvious

6) Doooooom and glooooooom; occasional moments of levity from Alfred and Perry were not enough to stop it from being so dour and, tbh pretentious. It got a little too #fakedeep at times, especially considering that the symbolism and themes were constantly beating you over the head. You know that SNL sketch about the girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party? That’s kind of the tone, but serious

Anyway, long story already long, would I recommend this movie? No What would I give it on a 1-10 scale, where 5 is average? Maybe a 4; bad, but theoretically salvageable

#text only #bvs watching #critique from a non expert #there were quite a few political issues too but it's late as hell and tbh #that could be a paper in and of itself #alright i'm going tf to sleep soon #goodnight y'all watch good movies

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