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leonsi · 2 years

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seeing all these rottmnt/2012 crossovers bash on the 2012 bros’ relationship with each other is kiiindaaa upsetting as someone who’s uncomfortable with expressing and receiving overt affection

but hey what do i know i probablyy just have all toxic unhealthy relationships where we never understand each other and share mutual trust and love *twirls hair*

the 2012 bros may not openly express their love like the rottmnt boys do, but that doesnt mean its not there. and acting like the rottmnt relationships are automatically better and the only Right standard for healthy relationships seems pretty,, juvenile and inexperienced imo. love isnt only expressed through physical affection and saying things like “i love you,” openly, and assuming there is no love in a relationship without those things is… odd.

love is not only in words or hugs. the 2012 boys can love each other just as much as the rottmnt boys without being open about it. 2012 raph, especially, loves to show affection through acts of service, physical affection, and quality time, but he doesn’t like any of this to be commented on because it makes him uncomfortable. and thats okay! he doesn’t need to express affection openly to have it be there.

just as rottmnt donnie can express love and affection outside of hugs and words, so too can the 2012 boys. they all have their own unique ways of expressing love that the others all respect and recognize, and dismissing that feels less like it’s intentional, and more like the people writing these crossovers just don’t recognize alternate forms of expression exist. which, again,, reeks of inexperience.

( also semi-related tangent speaking of donnie he literally fucking . put a shock collar on his brother like he’s a dog in an attempt to change him. and brainwashed his brothers. and frequently puts his own wants and needs over their own - which is totally fine, if it didn’t happen all the time. it’s kinda laughable to say 2012 raph is worse than rottmnt donnie honestly

siblings hit each other. okay. siblings hit each other. i need y’all to recognize this. i will power drive my little brother into the floor over the last oreo. siblings hitting each other is not abusive (TYPICALLY) because there are established boundaries both parties abide by. like i will never touch my siblings if they are in a bad mood, trying to concentrate on something, or otherwise in a bad position (like standing somewhere dangerous, by a corner etc), and i will never intentionally hurt them. if i think they are actually hurt, we stop immediately until they tell me theyre fine. roughhousing with your siblings is fun. it is bonding. its a self-esteem booster to be able to pick up ur freshman brother okay.

the 2012 bros always abide by these rules. they never hurt each other beyond what the other party can handle, and if they do, it is very clearly treated as a bad thing by them or the other brothers so they realize they went over the line, and they resolve it by the end of the episode (as is the way of formulaic kids shows).

rottmnt donnie. put a fucking shock collar on his brother. and this is funny to him. and not something he ever learns from. and totally not weirdly sexual. But 2012 raph is the bad guy? ok )

i mean. i dont know what i expect from a fandom full of chronically online children who truly dont have experience with relationships. but it just really irks me for some reason and its currently one in the morning so im feeling whiny about it.

affection outside of words and hugs exists. affection outside of words and hugs exist!! and if you know that then you know that the 2012 boys love each other so so so much, just as much as rottmnt. just because they express it differently than in sanitized queer TV shows and not overtly, so you kinda have to pick up on nuance, doesnt mean they dont love each other. let people love other people in non-overt ways!

#seriously as someone who. hates receiving and giving direct affection #to the point where someone even sharing a fic of mine out of affection or complimenting me makes me. uncomfortable i guess.#it really irks me when these fics bash on the subtle kind of love #i love doing things for people !! i love love love doing acts of service and adult parallel play and small physical affection #and having that love devalued and discredited because its not… clear enough. idk feels odd #it feels like it comes from teenagers who hug their partners in the high school hallways and block the entier fuckin path and talk in #baby voices #okay. it feels like it comes from that specific kind of person. okay. i said it. you feel like you have attachment issues #i just !! this is such a STUPID thing to get worked up about . but its one thirty am i literally do not care anymore ig #anyway #vent #ramble #rottmnt slander #rottmnt donnie slander #IM SORRY I CANT HOMD IT BACK ANYMORE. I HATE HIM. HE HAS ZERO REDEEMING QUALITIES TO ME. IM SORRY NERO

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boxwinebaddie · 5 months

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Uncle Nina Mental Health Check! How are you?

hi, angel. thank you for checking in; i really needed this today. <3

and before i dive in, i just wanted to say that the outpouring of love and support in my inbox for my fanfictions and my well being in general, now and always, is the closest thing i have felt to magic. :')

your sung praises and whispered well wishes comfort me ten million times more than cherry nyquil. you are more than medicine to me. every single one of you is proof to me that angels exist. i mean that.

every single time i get an ask message, regardless of what it is, it makes my bad days a hundred times better and pours sunlight into every shadowed part of my existence. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

i know it may not seem that way because i have so many asks in the box atm, but please, please know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me being extremely overwhelmed. </3

i'll go into that a little later, but again! thank you for wondering about me and here is how things on planet nina have been lately! xx

( also this got very, very, VERY long and i just used this basically as a stream of consciousness diary entry where i troubleshooted how i was feeling about writing atm. its very repetitive, runs in a circle and is all babble really, but if you enjoy my madman ramblings. here. <3 )

about a week ago, i travelled back home for the holidays to visit my family and it's been...very healing and restorative for me. i haven't been home in a very long time and i'm happy for the small change.

( also, small side-bar that might be overshare. if i seem extra nervous lately...i am having a sort of frightening go of being stalked by a man that i ghosted on a dating app for being scary/very weird with me. :( i've blocked four separate numbers of him aggressively messaging me, demanding to speak with me...i am...um...worried i may have to go to the police soon...it is a very stressful situation for me. :////

so, ahaha! if you don't hear from me! dox me and find me, pls! /hj

on top of that, i'm still navigating a breakup with my ex who is my best friend who sometimes accidentally still acts like my boyfriend. also dealing with my physical health, trying to figure out what i want to do in this big wild world and in the future, which is scary. but!

irl is messy sometimes and that's okay. everything will work out. <3 )

but back to the tides of change! and how that affects me!

for me, nuance and change is important and crucial to my wellbeing. unfortunately, i am a hermit crab girl and if you don't pull me out of the crevice, snipping and snapping, i will hide forever and collect algae and dust on the ocean floor, stuck in my hurt/comfort zone.

for me...writing in general...is my hurt/comfort zone.

it brings me immense and infinite joy that so many of you enjoy the things i write, the universes i've created, the characters i adapted, my creative visions, my run-on sentences, and of course...me. <3

( i will say, a lot of fanfic authors are more ~anonymous~ i just wanted to be more down to earth with all of you, but as we saw from me melting down over pep...i was not really made for lots of eyes on me so the mortifying ordeal of being known is a little scary. its dumb, but i really do hope you all find me friendly and pleasant. )

in that vein, as a stanley marsh girl, i am also a people pleaser, scared to let people down and as a kyle broflovski girl, i am terrified of failing and not doing my best at the thing i do all the time. which...is bad.

for my brain and my mental health, mostly.

i'm finding that i am getting extremely overwhelmed with writing again which...i cannot tell you how frustrating that is. but i often bite off more than i can chew because i love you all so much and i want to deliver you this thing that you deserve more than anyone :(

and because of my excitement and your excitement about my fics, it makes me want to put my work out, but it puts me in a position where i start to rush and panic and spiral out of control. this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my bad brain.

i find my being overwhelmed often comes hand in horrible hand with giving myself a deadline, making a crazy promise, setting a goal i might not reach, writing as work and not as pleasure.

i'm finding this is happening with nanowrimo which i wanted so badly to be fun, but actually is stressing me out so badly because i'm racing against the clock, terrified i won't finish even though i promised. my mental/physical health is suffering again as well as the quality of my work which...as you guys know well...i do not like to put out lowqual.

i feel like i'm going too fast and kind of stuck in a perpetual panic. which as far as nanowrimo goes, i did write my post on the 5th and really didn't start writing until a couple days ago, so really i should be allowed to write until dec 10th but...also...

...why does it matter?

sorry, this is kind of becoming my deranged existensial jersey journal, but like why the fuck am i punishing myself for actually no reason???

really...who gives a flying fuck about nanowrimo?

tbh, i think its less about the challenge and more about the fact that i make promises to you guys that i can't keep, which makes me upset because that's so...whackadoodle to not follow through. ugh! </3

but i think i'm going to bin the deadline...for now. and write...slowly. and maybe not write today or really, until i feel calm and happy again.

because right now, i am writing dialogue on the fly that is just...so not planned or confident. i'm feeling insecure about things not making sense and there being plot holes and too much mess, idk. very ew.

so i think i'm going to take a little breakski again...

sigh. :///

it sucks a lot but also...i have to remind myself that not everyone is writing two seperate fanfics with several chapters/story to go, with every chapter featuring very extensive detail and like multiple different scenes, totallying up to anywhere between 10-20k which, i'm finding is a lot more than most people are writing in their updates.

i've gotten anons about it and i hear you...like you are correct, i really do not give myself enough slack, credit or kindness and i'm trying to break that cycle...your messages do a lot of that carrying, thank you.

one of the main things i'm going to try to do besides being slow and taking a super long time if i need it with no punishment is...i think i am exiting my nina formatting era?

...weird, right? for one it was very taxing, very stressful but also...while creative, i literally just think it's overstimulating and not that helpful? i still like the spacing, italics, occasional underline/strike but i really think the rest of my fanfics are going to be close to bare.

i want my writing to speak more. i think doing all that dramatic, dizzying stuff with the text was a crutch/phase i'm growing out of.

i know a lot of you liked it and i am sorry i am axeing her...but at the end of the day...it was something that was way too laborious for me.

but! i will be okay! i am okay, friends! thats one promise i will make!!!

i know this was long, but i like to be immersive and honest with you.

please know i am working on pep12 and rm6p1. but for quality purposes and because i want to put out something you deserve to read and i was happy writing...it will take however long it takes.

my fear is that i'll finally post and you'll all be bored. but your many asks say otherwise! you are all so cute! i love you! i know i seem mean or scary in my asks, but i promise it's all for teehee hahas and i am nice and not scary at all. i cry everytime i hear a loud noise. lmao. :)

with that said! do nice things for yourself. unwind. do not hold yourself to any standard. do only what nourishes you. listen to your heart body and soul. and know i support you 100% of the way.

i hate thanksgiving ( lame ass trick ass fuck ass colonizer holiday even tho all the food is dank, i am a candied yam queen ) but i hope you enjoy the togetherness part that underlies it. i hope you see your family. but remember that family is not just the people you are born with, but are the people that you choose.

also know that if you feel alone during this fall/wintry stan season, that you have me, always. all my dms and my heart are open to you.

on that note, i am thankful for all of you this year. thank you for taking care of me and in turn, reminding and teaching me to take care of myself. i'm going to try not to repeat history and take a breath.

thank you for reading and as always, from what harms or pains you, past, present or future, from the bottom of my cold, black heart...

i love you and i hope you heal,

-uncle nina

#i apologize if this was long #i used this kind of as a vent space #feel free to ignore this but it is a bit of a status update #unfortunately i do this to myself a lot #where i kind of come off a high of posting something cool and then act all big and tough and cant back it up #so i rush and freak out and sprial and write things im not proud of i dont like that at allllll aaaaa #so im gonna take a small step back and regroup #i really hate when my updates arent outlined correctly and the dialogue is weak...i also hate when i feel unsure abt the plot #so i want to smooth that all out and be careful and precise so i feel confident and this doesnt happen to me again #especially with rm because the plot is complicated and semi unfinished and that gives me anxiety #i dont like when things feel out of order or Wrong kylepile L moment! gonna take care of myself and then the plot/chapters until i like the #i really do in my heart of hearts think that either rm or pep will be updated within novemeber they are both abt halfway done #but no promises ofc im trying to be firm on that thank you for waiting but im cutting myself loose of invisible consequence #thank you for your love light and support i adore you send as many asks as u want and if i go dark know its bc im taking care of me #and please take care of yourselves the way i would #ilyilyilysm #also sorry i killed the format but oh my god it feels so much cleaner to me its so much more readable #ok done now toodaloo!

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