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mvnvgedmischief · 4 months

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unremarkable days: Sirius black is trying to be a good man, a good brother, a good person. Sirius has a steady job designing book covers for a publishing house, a flat he never leaves, and a traumatized brother who was just removed from the custody of his parents. All in all, it's wildly unremarkable.

archive tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), ok so this is mostly just sirius trying to take care of a traumatized regulus, Modern AU, Sirius trying to be a father figure, to his brother who was just removed from his home, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Artist Sirius Black, Writer Remus Lupin, Young Regulus Black, Past Child Abuse, Trauma, everyone is sad, Custody Battle, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Past Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Domestic Violence

words: 93511 chapters: 25/?

this is kind of my baby in terms of fics i’ve written, i love it so much. it will probably end up around 30 chapters, but lord knows. artist!sirius x writer!remus in a modern take on a high society young adult recovering from his fall from grace while trying to hide his sexuality, take care of his brother, and fall in love. will his secret self destruction be the only thing that stands between him and the future he wants?

read it on ao3 here, full chap under the cut!

Sirius felt awful that Remus had to walk into this conversation. He didn’t enjoy that his life was going to shit in front of him, especially in front of Remus. Sirius was embarrassed. He was ashamed of himself, of his life, of everything. It felt like yesterday, Remus was digging around in his business, and trying to sus out whether or not to be embarrassed of his own past. But now here they were, Sirius’s chaos boiling over in a way that he wondered if Remus’s ever had. They had touched on it, of course. Throughout the nights in his bedroom, or out on the fire escape, and it was in the book. Sirius knew it was in the book, he read it cover to cover, but they didn’t discuss it much. Maybe it was out of fear, that if he asked Remus to open up he would have to. But right now, the acrid stench of failure filled his nostrils, and his face twisted into something between a grimace and a smirk as he turned his doorknob and entered the flat.

“I’m sorry in advance.”

“No need,” came the gentle reply from behind him. It felt like Remus’s voice was all Sirius needed to find the strength to open that door. He silently made his way back to his couch, leaving room for Remus to sit beside him. Thankfully, Remus had the sense not to sit too far from Sirius, lest he spontaneously burst into sobs and need someone to gather him up and remove him from the room.

“What’s the plan, Sirius?” Sev asked, not even bothering to greet Remus. The tension between the three of them could be cut with a knife, and Sirius wondered just how much feeling out of place Remus would be willing to put up with.

“I don’t know yet—“ Sirius began, only to be cut off.

“Of course you don’t.” Severus spat, his tone cutting through Sirius to his core. He was failing Regulus yet again. Like he had all of those times he didn’t protect the boy, like he did when he left.

“He’ll know after the intake,” Remus replied with ease, cutting into the conversation like an expert. “Hospitalizations, medical programs, and the like don’t run on our timeline no matter how much we want them to.”

Sirius felt a short sigh fall between his lips, but it still caught him off guard. He didn’t expect to be making any noise, he just expected to be yelled at by Severus, glared at by Regulus, and get the occasional reassuring hand squeeze from Remus. He didn’t expect Remus to come in here like a knight in shining armor and advocate for him and his mental health.

“They’re not going to tell Sirius all that much about anything. Sure, he’ll get hours, behavior expectations, treatment options, and the like. But the nitty-gritty details and such that you’re all going to want to know are not going to be conversations they have with him.”

Sirius didn’t know that, which is really bothered him. He didn’t know there was going to be information that he wouldn’t get. He wanted to interrupt, but Remus gave him an easy smile.

“They’ll tell you what you need to know, love. They’re just not going to bog you down with the logistics. That’ll probably go through James and to Regulus directly.”

Sirius wondered if Remus could feel Sev’s glare, despite looking directly at Regulus. He never minded being on the other side of that glare, but he knew that Remus already felt uncomfortable around the man. He was sure this wasn’t making it any easier. Guilt was swallowing him up, and all he wanted was to sink into the floor. Sirius could feel himself getting nauseous. There was nothing he could do but sit here, nauseated and exhausted. He could hear them talking across him, discussing the details of what will happen and when Reg would go back to boarding if he will at all, and what their plan is for the next few weeks when Sirius will most likely be in a residential program.

“I went to Orri today,” Sirius added but he felt like it was falling on deaf ears, “They said they’d take me in PHP if –”

“What does our worst-case scenario look like?” Severus cut him off, pausing his glare for a moment to look at Sirius.

“I guess–” Sirius began, but Regulus piped up.

“ Worst case or absolutely catastrophic?”

“Worst case,” Severus responded, “I know absolutely catastrophic is you going with them.”

“Worst case is probably the council turning down both you and the Potters housing if Siri has to go somewhere.”

“The council wouldn’t put you in the system if it would be too disruptive, they’re much more likely to approve both options before that because Sirius wouldn’t be gone that long anyways.”

He hated being talked across like this, but contributing also made him so deeply uncomfortable. He felt like he was being strangled by this conversation, choking on his own shame. God, he wished he had just let himself disappear. He wished this wasn’t something he had to do. Couldn’t this all just end? Maybe he should have just disappeared.

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, after what felt like the longest stretch of time he could imagine. The way all three of them looked at him felt like they had forgotten he was even there. “If you all have a mind to keep talking like I’m not here,” He began, trying not to snap, “‘m going to bed.”

“No, I–“ Remus began, while simultaneously Severus, on the other side of the room, groveled, “Please don’t–“ The two men bristled with jealousy, staring daggers at each other.

Regulus broke up the tension between the group, which made Sirius feel so desperately guilty. “Grand frère, ne pars pas.” He whimpered. Those words rang through his mind like a bell, ricocheting between his ears. Big brother, don’t go. They’ve been here before. Not like this, of course, but they had been at this crossroads before. He knew this was different, but it didn’t feel different. It felt exactly the same as it had when Regulus stared up at him with glassy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, having heard the argument between Sirius and his parents. He saw the bright red marks on Sirius’s cheeks, marking where he had been disciplined for his ‘disrespect.’ Regulus watched him angrily pack a small rucksack full of his most prized possessions, and begged him not to go. Sirius never had any intention of leaving Regulus behind there, but he didn’t have an option. There was no going back from that fight. He barely remembered that fight. He felt like he blacked most of it out. The only thing he remembered was his mother throwing his school bag out into the snow, and screaming that she wouldn’t have that behavior in her house .

Sirius took a deep breath, steeling himself against his own catastrophic feelings, and nodded. If Reggie wanted him, he wasn’t going anywhere. He couldn’t leave again. He was already being punished, drowning in guilt, over leaving the first time. That had been over five years ago, and he was still doing penance for it. He knew it was too much, that he felt too deeply, and he only ever wanted to show Regulus how much he cared. He should know better, but the grip he had on his demeanor was slipping. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he needed to calm down. He couldn’t cry again, Regulus couldn’t handle it. He knew Regulus was so fragile right now. His own breakdown would be Regulus’s undoing and he knew it. Regulus was always sensitive to how Sirius was feeling, always influenced by it, just like he was influenced by everyone at their old house in Islington. On top of that, Regulus was already so fragile. He was already so scared, and Sirius desperately didn’t want to scare him anymore.

“I’m not going anywhere, Reggie,” He replied, looking at his younger brother, eyes full of fear and understanding. “Even if I have to go to a res program, I’m not leaving you. I’m going to come home. I’m going to be okay.” Sirius had never wanted anything more than he wanted them all to believe him. He was going to be better than this, he needed to for Reggie’s sake. Even if he needed to drive himself into the ground to feel better, he was going to make sure he was giving Regulus the best chance he could, even though he thought everyone was a better candidate to raise his brother than he was.

“He doesn’t have an option.” Severus grumbled, but his tone was gentle. It was so obvious to Sirius that they were closer than he ever really knew. He knew that they had been close, of course, but he was starting to understand that the relationship went much deeper than he expected. Sirius would never tell Regulus he couldn’t have the other man around, but he wasn’t entirely sure what it would help other than just having an adult “in his corner.”

The smarmy git looked over at him with a wry grin, and Sirius tried his best to mirror it on his own face. That being said, it fell apart before it crossed his face. God, he wished this would end. He could feel Remus bristle even if his eyes were locked on Regulus and Severus. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if Remus was feeling jealous. It wasn’t like it mattered, neither Sirius nor Remus were the most central fixtures in this conversation. For as much as he was the cause of all of this, and it was all about what he had been doing, but this needed to be about Regulus. Sirius couldn’t help it, honestly. He wouldn’t be able to handle being even more in the center of this conversation. He felt like he was under a microscope, and his skin was burning from observation.

“When will we know when you’re going to be in hospital?” Severus asked, eyebrow raised.

“I have an intake assessment on Monday morning…” Sirius mumbled in response, “Won’t know anything until after it.”

“So we just have to wait until Monday? Nothing until then?”

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, “Reg I should be here when you get home to chat about everything that happens.”

“So he’s just supposed to go to school? Pretend everything is fine when it so clearly is not?” Severus asked, his voice raising with irritation. “That’s ridiculous Sirius! How is he supposed to cope with this?:

“I don’t–“ Sirius tried to respond, but his voice died in his throat.

“Of course not.” Severus grumbled, “Because you never do.”

“Sev I’m–“ Sirius tried, but he didn’t know what to say. He knew that he didn’t have the answers that either Regulus or Severus wanted. All he had were apologies, mixed in with his self-loathing.

Remus could feel that Sirius was fading, and fast. The man was losing his nerve to sit here, and Remus couldn’t really blame him. This was all so intense, and he didn’t want to continue to contribute to it. Sirius looked so exhausted, and it was so familiar to him. For a long time, Remus had been sitting in that position, feeling the magnifying glass over him, and feeling like his health was burdening everyone else. His emotional state, the trauma of it all, could be so heavy for a group of people, and he could read on Sirius’s face just how heavy he felt like this all was. He knew the weight of other people’s concerns could be suffocating. He took a look over at the clock, and then back to the group. He would’ve suggested taking a moment to rest, to pivot away from this particular conversation, but he didn’t have a chance. Before he could say anything, Sirius was standing up and mumbling something about needing a moment.

Sirius practically ran off to the washroom. He locked the door behind him and slid down to the cool tile floor. He needed it to reset him, to remind him that he was here and that he was safe. He pulled his boney knees to his chest, to sob into them. His mind raced with fears about where this journey would take him, what would happen to his relationship with Regulus, and whether Remus would still want him when it was over. Why couldn’t this be easier? Does it really have to be so difficult? All he wanted was to be nothing and he wished he could just disappear.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been lost in his own mind, but when a knock reverberated through the door Sirius jumped instinctively. “What?” He groaned, his voice sounding hoarse from his sobs. “Regulus wants to go see some of his mates, and I’m going to go to the lab to get some work done. I’ll give you a ring later.”

“Cheers,” Sirius choked out in reply.

“You alright, mate?” Severus called, from beyond the door. Sirius choked back a humorless laugh, trying desperately not to seem short or irritated. It was so deeply upsetting to him that he couldn’t calm himself down. All he wanted was to just be normal, to be unremarkable. He didn’t want to be someone with all of this complex trauma, or all of these catastrophic feelings. He desperately wanted to just be. If only that were as simple as he wanted. His desperation seeped out of his pores, wanting for nothing more than peace.

“Alright,” He replied, keeping his tone as even as possible. He tried to maintain some level of calmness, listening as the two walked out of the door. It was then that he left the washroom. He knew he shouldn’t have hid from their conversation, but it was all too much. It all felt so overwhelming and frustrating, he just needed to get away from everyone. Ordinarily this was when he would run out to the fire escape for a cigarette, but he could’ve been chased there. He didn’t want to be cornered out in his safe space. So much of his life and his coping had changed in the last year, and he couldn’t handle offering up another one of his treasured spaces for others to push his boundaries in.

Time was muddying together for so long, Sirius wasn’t sure how long he sat on that floor before Remus knocked on the door.

“Love,” Remus called from the other side of the heavy oak door. Sirius felt himself shudder, even though he was trying desperately to calm down. “Why don’t you come out and lay down? I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

“Just go home, Re.” Sirius mumbled, forehead pressed against the tile of his bathroom. God, Sirius, just calm down! He needed to get himself together. He couldn’t be any more of a trainwreck, but all he wanted was to be normal. He wanted to be what Remus needed and what Regulus needed, but all he could do was fall apart. It was so nauseating to him that everyone was holding onto him with kid gloves. He knew he was such a drain on the people around him, he knew they were all so worried about him.

“Please,” Came the reply from the other side of the door. It made Sirius want to fall apart. The guilt was going to eat him alive. He didn’t know how to handle any of this well. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, panic rising in his throat. “I can’t do this.”

“You’re not doing it alone.” Remus was desperate to get Sirius out of that bathroom, but it was beyond any hope. Sirius wasn’t coming out any time soon. It was obvious to Severus and Regulus, that was why they left. Sirius was used to things like this, people leaving when his mind became overwhelming and catastrophic. That was one of the biggest reasons Severus was angry with him in the first place. Regulus needed an adult to be able to deal with the things in his life between helping with homework, making sure there was someone to sign off on things for school, and generalized stability. It was unfair to Severus that he was in this position so frequently, Sirius couldn’t help the way guilt spilled out of him.

“I’m not worth dealing with like this.” Sirius’s voice carried the guilt and fear he was feeling. It was so raw and vulnerable.

“You’re always worth dealing with.” Remus responded, but Sirius could hear the defeat in his voice. Maybe Remus would finally figure out that there was no hope here, Sirius wouldn’t be exiting the bathroom any time soon. His voice fell on deaf ears, because the only thing Sirius could hear was the rushing of his blood in his ears, and his rising heart beat.

Sirius was struggling to keep himself rooted in this reality, instead finding himself teetering between the white subway tile of his own bathroom and the dark italian marble of the bathroom in his childhood home. He could hear his mother’s voice ringing in his ears. It was always soft at first, feigning understanding.

“Sirius, you have to come out of there. Your father and I won’t be mad. Just tell us what happened.”

The anger wouldn’t come until later. It was always simmering just beyond the veil of her composure. She always knew what he had done wrong, whether it be failing a test or losing a footie game, cutting school or a dance class, kissing someone of the wrong pedigree. All of them were punishable offenses by his mother’s standards. He remembered the last time before he was kicked out, sitting in that same panic of knowing she knew he had done something wrong.

“Sirius I won’t put up with this foolishness much longer. Come out here and face the consequences of your actions.”

He had tried to appease her in his youth, coming out the first time he was asked. But he felt the strike of her ring all the same, and eventually he hoped to put off the inevitable. He knew negotiation was a forgone conclusion, but sometimes he was lucky enough that someone would find the doorbell or otherwise distract from his impending doom. He didn’t have the same luck as far as his father was concerned.

“Your mother coddles you too much. Get out here and face me like a man.”

There was no world on which he got away with things. Sure, when his parents didn’t find out all was fine. But his parents found out about so much they didn’t want him to do and Sirius had to face the consequences of it. When he was still trying to protect Regulus, before he had been thrown out, he had tried desperately to keep the peace on the boy’s good days, and time his chaos with Regulus’s fits. He remembered being locked within that home so vibrantly, like it was an experience he would never be able to move on from. Even that last time, he had hoped things would be okay for Regulus. Once he knew he had been found out, caught out by a love letter from a bygone school mate hidden beneath his floor boards, he had tried desperately to protect Regulus. He didn’t know if Regulus ever understood him, but he had tried desperately. He had it out with his parents in separate rooms, in cars, anywhere Regulus wasn’t. There were harsh whispers, open handed smack, and screaming matches in the car, but he tried desperately to avoid it happening in front of Regulus. Someday, he hoped, they’d be able to talk about things and finally sort everything out. But right now he was here, sitting on the tile floor of his bathroom and remembering the needless luxury of the black marble beneath him and the crystal furnishings. When would it end? When would the sound of his father’s controlled anger stop inducing vomiting?

“You shame your namesake.” A cruel pause, “if you don’t come out of there in the next sixty seconds, count yourself lucky if I allow you to sleep in the cellar.”

There was never a real sixty seconds. There was no grace period. He could have left the bathroom when his mother knocked the first time or well after his father knocked the last, and he would still be sleeping in the cellar. He would still feel the cool metal of his father’s rings marring his skin. He would hear the click of the lock and find himself in the cold loneliness of his fall from grace. He knew he would never feel anything but the ire of his parents once they found out. He spent so much time hating them, blaming them. He used to blame them for making him this way, for putting him in dance and making him walk softly, for teaching him to be discerning about his clothing and his hair, for never allowing him to get dirty with other kids. He blamed them for the way he felt when he thought about a cute boy in his class, or the way his heart skipped a beat when Severus yelled at him. It took him a long time to be comfortable with the way it felt to kiss another boy, and the way he felt confident walking into a gay bar.

It was all different now, with Regulus at home. Every day he felt the corners of his peripheral vision blurring the line between his flat and the loveless luxury of his childhood home. He could practically hear the clicking of the keys his mother kept in the drawer next to the stove. Her perfectly manicured nails would parse through the drawer, finding the key to the bathroom with expert precision.

The panic of his memories was bubbling up within him, and he knew it was going to explode. Knees clashed against the hard, cool tiles of the bathroom floor as he made his way over to the toilet, as the acrid, rotted contents of his past spilled out into the toilet. He wasn’t sure anymore whether or not his hands found the back of his throat or if the vile poison of his childhood burned through him all on its own. The frustration he felt while staring at the porcelain and begging the universe or god, or anyone who would listen, to just give him a fucking break.

“Siri,” Chimed the warm voice from the other side of the door. It made Sirius so irrationally angry to be treated this well. He just wanted to be nothing. He wanted to be no one. He wanted to be an apparition.

“Why are you still here, Remus?” He asked, his tone pointed with his frustration. He wished he could be kind, like Remus. He wished he could be understanding and sweet, all soft tones and light whispers, but Sirius wasn’t like that at all. He was all sharp tongued bitterness, cruelty and fear. He was so desperately lost, wishing and begging for just some understanding, and not knowing how to handle it. If he had been just a bit less damaged, if he had only had a few less times in the cellar, if he hadn’t taken a standard discipling and turned it into a fist fight, if he had bit his tongue that last time before he left, maybe gentleness would be something Sirius understood. But he had, and he couldn’t change it, so Remus’s kindness felt cumbersome. It was like fitting a square peg in a round hole, and the only thing that he could do was deflect.

This distress was familiar to Remus, if not odd. It was so weird to him to be on this side of the door. If Sirius was not so paranoid, he may have asked Lily about how to be supportive on the other side of the equation. However, that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. Not when Sirius was so fragile. There was jealousy that pulled at his heart strings, hating that Sirius clearly trusted Severus implicitly, and had been making him jump through hoops over the last few months in order to gain the other man’s trust. It felt unfair that he couldn’t just be someone who Sirius trusted implicitly. He knew that was unfair way to portray both men in that way, considering he had know understanding of what their relationship actually was. But Remus wanted Sirius. He wanted to be the person Sirius called whenever something went wrong, he wanted Sirius to rely on him standing on the other side of the door. He wanted Sirius to kiss him in the middle of the street, to take him out on dates, to want him. It burned him up in side and he wished he could do something about it. He wished he could charge into the bathroom, pull Sirius into his arms, and comfort him through this. However, he was locked on the other side of the door, being shooed away.

“I’m not leaving.” Remus responded, his resolve seeping through the door. Sirius could feel it. But he needed to be alone, he needed Remus to leave. He could feel the fog of his mind whirring, forcing his thoughts to ring loudly through his ears. His heart was thrumming in his chest, building fear and chaos within him. He was going to binge.

“That’s desperate.” Sirius’s words were cutting, mean, and unhinged. He loved Remus, despite himself. He wanted remus desperately. It was more of projection than anything else, but he needed to be alone. “Go home. I don’t WANT you.”

He wished so desperately that he didn’t have to do this. He needed Remus to go, and if that required Sirius to needle at him, to make him feel small, that was what he would do.

“You can’t– you don’t–” Remus stammered, his voice tightening. God, it made Sirius’s chest hurt.

“Just go,” Sirius replied, his voice thick with desperation. Maybe a change in tactics would help, “please– I just need you to go.” The panic was rising again. He needed to be alone so desperately.

“Can you call me later?” The tightness in Remus’s voice hadn’t dissipated, and Sirius felt so guilty for being so mean. He couldn’t help it. He needed to be alone.

“Yeah,” Sirius whimpered, trying desperately to keep himself from getting overwhelmed all over again. Just get through this Sirius. Just get him out. Just make it to the kitchen. Is the white bread moldy? Does it matter?

When he heard the click of the door closing behind Remus, Sirius is practically running out of the bathroom. His feet carry him to the kitchen, snagging a bag of sliced white bread that he’s had for far too long and rushing off to his bedroom. He’s a mess, and he knows it. Within minutes, he’s tearing open the bag, spending minimal time throwing aside anything that looked like it had gone bad. He chewed through the slices with voracity, tears streaming down his face once more. He felt pathetic and disgusting. How was he ever going to make it through this? His assessment with Orri didn’t go as well as he had hoped. They recommended he seek a higher level of care. They supposedly didn’t feel confident in their ability to accommodate what he needed at this time. How was he going to handle it? He knew he was going to end up in one of those two reserved beds at Vincent Square once again. He also knew that the idea of going to Orri was starting to feel like nothing more than a pipe dream because they didn’t accommodate anyone on an inpatient basis. He could do Vincent Square. He knew he could. He had done it before. Theoretically, maybe he could manage to handle this. He knew that on Monday they could discuss the need for him to attend his family Christmas, and to take care of Regulus through the process. It was a long shot for him to believe Vincent wouldn’t recommend res. He wasn’t weight restored (he bristled at the thought and the pride that erupted within him), he wasn’t seeing his therapist, and he wasn’t even able to make it through a night of sleep anymore. Had he taken his Seroquel today? Had he taken his Lexapro? Why couldn’t he remember?

When he made it through the package of semi-moldy bread, he was overwhelmed by his disgust. Once again, his feet carried him to the cool white subway time, his knees crashed on the ground at the same time he started retching. Why couldn’t this be easier? Why did it have to be so hard?

When he was done retching, he pulled himself off of the floor, to rinse out his mouth and splash water on his face. He needed to get himself together. If they were going to do this to him, fuck it. He might as well go all in. He might as well lose himself. Perhaps that was what forced him into his trainers and his running clothes, to run himself ragged. For an onlooker, it was unremarkable, but if anyone in his life had seen him, they would have been horrified. Maybe Sirius was a monster. Maybe Regulus was right, maybe he couldn’t starve out his cruelty, but by God, he would try.

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