#sometimes people irl tell me

[rise-my-angel]

.

#why is it when i get like 10k in to a fic #i regret writing it at all #is feeling this inadequate as a writer in the pedro fandom a normal thing #or is it having no friends on here and basically tossing my work out into a void #when i know everyone else is just passing it by beacuse im not good enough #like idk no one i know is ever interested in what i enjoy #so i am so alone and silent about my writing and it just hits at the worst points #always feeling like im writing joel wrong #worried i have too much of my own plot and not enough pairing fluff #i like entwining mysteries into them that the audience has to slowly piece together and idk if ppl fucking hate when i do it #is it just badly written or boring #idk #sometimes people irl tell me #'oh you have such a unique sense of humour and comedic charisma you should do something with that' #but writing is what i fell in love with #but now adays im constantly filled with anxiety of not being good enough and maybe i should just #idk delete my stories and stop writing #sorry for the rant its 1am and i dont see my psychiatrist until next week and i dont have the money to pay for my med #so my disgusting gross ass selfish thoughts about posting my fics on here just keep spilling out

[pansyfemme]

worst question to get irl is “do you have a tumblr?” because it means 1) they’ve recognized me. pain pain pain. or 2) i just forgot to mask my tumblr accent and gave myself away

#im not actually. shy about it irl #also my friends tell ppl bc they find me being mildly tumblr famous the funniest shit in the world #but like i don’t always direct people over here. like i rarely tell ppl to follow me here #i occasionally will mention my url or post a screenshot of one of my own posts on my instagram where #more irls follow me and thats usually how they found me. but its not always the case #sometimes ppl just. find me #but like its not that this page is secret. far from it #i just tend to drop all my filters here and say shit i wouldn’t other places and ppl have to deal with if they want to see me that way

[excavatinglizard]

Listening to red valley, I kept hearing Gordon ramble about media and special interests and thinking ‘oh no oh no warren is going to shoot him down’ but NO warren loves it <3

And that maybe says something about how I feel that I keep being so worried despite evidence that warren is just as much of a fucking nerd

#red valley #red valley podcast #it’s not even like I’ve really had people be mean to me about my interests #there’s just very little interest in them (from people I know irl) #sometimes I just want to talk about Shuos Jedao-Cheris but I stop myself at a jokey little explanation #of the plot #LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TRIGUN but I cannot be normal about it at all #do you want to hear about all my thoughts on the left hand of darkness? no? that’s alright it’s just a book from the 60s that rewrote #my brain chemistry. it’s fine

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

Being queer and neurodivergent is great and all until you're with relatives and you watch other people and feel like an outcast in your own family

#extra fun that i cant exactly tell my therapist that being queer is one of the reasons i feel this way #because peoples opinions on queer people here generally arent good #idk sometimes it feels like I dont belong anywhere and feel really alone even though i know im not #its just the way other people live and do things seems genuinely impossible for me. i dont get how they do it #sometimes wish i wasnt who i am ngl #can someone please tell me something nice. my self esteem is buried deep underground right now and i feel not great #sorry for bringing vent posts here on tumblr. i just genuinely dont have many people or places that I feel okay talking about this stuff #especially no one irl i feel okay telling all this to #and dm'ing people is also really difficult. i genuinely struggle to do it #vent post

[beanghostprincess]

nami being so widely recognized as a lesbian in the fandom has made me feel so so so happy about myself! because i realized i was a lesbian not long ago and having one piece as my hyperfixation and her as my biggest kin makes me feel so comfortable about it 🍊💕

#don't you just want to scream to the world sometimes that you're a lesbian idkidk #i think people just know when they see me but !!! #she's just like me <3 #having like a lot of people irl telling me that i remind them of her is also great ngl #kin and sexuality confirmation at its finest #one piece #nami

[lordgrimwing]

Feanor’s racist #01

They were late to the weekly dinner, again. Truly late this time. Partly because Maedhros couldn’t find the hairpins he wanted to use, and partly because Elros spilled a cup of water all down his front and Maglor insisted he had to change into a fresh robe. He spilt the water on accident but took advantage of being sent back up to his room to change as slowly as possible and delay them even more. He didn’t leave the room until he heard Maedhros’ heavy footsteps coming down the hall.

While the twins buckled themselves into the back seat of the car, Maglor leaned across to his brother and whispered, “I’m worried about that text Caranthir sent.”

“We can’t do anything about it now.” Maedhros kept an eye on the progress in the rearview mirror and shifted the vehicle into drive as soon as everyone was buckled. 

“I don’t—” 

“Not now,” He hissed back. He didn’t want to talk about it where little ears would easily overhear. Caranthir took a certain satisfaction in planting rumors among his brothers and seeing what happened. That text message was probably nothing more than another attempt to liven up the weekly family dinner with easy entertainment. More likely than not, as long as they didn’t respond, tonight would be no different from every other week. 

Maglor fell silent but drummed his fingers on the dashboard. Maedhors wanted to snap at him, to tell him to stop fidgeting, but the boys tended to get nervous when he did stuff like that and he didn’t want to make them any more worked up than they already were. They just all needed to stay calm and the evening would pass without a problem.

When they finally arrived, Elrond started complaining that his socks didn’t feel right and slipped off his shoes so he could try to fix them.  

“You were okay the whole way over here,” Maglor scolded, grabbing the shoes and putting them back on his feet. He pulled him out of the car. “You’ll be fine.”

The eight-year-old looked down and stuck out his bottom lip in a pout, but brightened a little when the black-haired elf offered him his hand to hold as they walked to the door. Elros came behind them, Maedhros hurrying him along, hoping to get them into the house before the meal officially started.

Inside, quiet voices filtered out from the dining room down the hall, accompanied by the tink of silverware against china. Maedhros took the lead as they walked down the hall. Maglor let go of Elrond’s hand, leaving him next to his brother as he fell back to walk beside Elros and remind him to take his hands out of the pockets in his robe and straighten his shoulders (he didn’t add that slouching and hiding his hands made him look like he was looking for trouble as he had with his little brothers over the last two decades).

The room went silent when they entered.

Dinner started some time before and everyone had food on their plates. Curufin had a glass halfway to his lips and slowly set it down as his older brothers came through the doorway. Fëanor rose from his chair at the head of the table. His mouth was set in a tight frown, his thin eyebrows drawn into a hard line over keen eyes.

Maedhros’ shoulders tense. He knew his father would be irritated by their tardiness, but the tension in the room, and the poorly concealed excitement on Celegorm’s face, made it clear that this was something bigger. Keeping his expression mild, he said, “My apologies for our late arrival, Atar.”

He pointed Elrond toward his seat, murmuring, “Go sit down.” 

The child looked up at him for a moment, biting the inside of his bottom lip, a nervous habit. 

“No, you do not have permission to sit at my table.” Fëanor snapped when Elrond reached for his chair. Maglor and Elros froze behind them. “Come here.”

He grabbed Elrond’s shoulder and pulled him closer before he could move. His other hand came up and clamped around the boy’s chin so he could tilt his face up and turn his head this way and that to inspect his features. The two rings he wore pressed uncomfortably against Elrond’s jaw.

“Father, really, this isn’t—” Maglor began, one hand on Elros’ shoulder to keep him by his side; the child’s hands clenched into fists when the old elf grabbed his brother. He cut himself off when angry eyes glared at him.

Tears welled up in the eight-year-old’s eyes as the elf tugged the fingers of his other hand through his hair, breaking several of the thin, dark brown strands. He glowered down at the child and released him, by no means satisfied with the inspection. He pushed him away, and Elrond stumbled against Maedhros, who’d watched the whole thing in stony silence.  

“You brought orcs into my family,” Fëanor sneered in disgust. 

“They are not orcs,” Maglor said hotly. 

His father spoke over him as if he said nothing. “You’ve known about their bastard lineage from the beginning yet you insisted on keeping them, refused to send them back to the state as I counseled. And when you discovered this still darker part of them, you actively sought to conceal it!” 

Amrod, or maybe Amras, still seated at the dining table, his meal mostly abandoned in favor of watching the spectacle, snickered.

“Be silent!” Fëanor raged, turning on the red-haired twins. His ire spread to everyone in the room. “Do you think it is amusing to sit next to one of those creatures, a descendant of the filth your foreparents waged war against? It is no game to let them sully one of the last true Noldor houses.”

The three other elves still seated at the table shot the young pair annoyed looks. Their father’s tirades were less entertaining when directed at them. 

Maedhros wrapped an arm around Elrond’s trembling shoulders. “Atar,” He said, calm and steady. He’d had an iron control of his emotions since childhood. “Elrond and Elros are children. They cannot help what their parents and forebearers did. I cannot change their genetics anymore than you can change Celegorm’s.”

Fëanor’s mouth tightened further. Celegorm cocked his head, waiting to see what kind of game his elder brother was trying to play. Reminding their father of his third son’s less-than-honest begetting was always dangerous. 

“But,” Maedhros continued, moving his hand to rest lightly on Elrond’s head, smoothing the tousled locks. He tucked the loose, nearly shoulder-length hair behind the boy’s ear again, exposing the slightly tapered point that clearly marked him as partly elven. “You proved through him that the rearing is far more important than the making. Celegorm is as much Noldor as any of us.”

The older elf said nothing for a minute, his lips twitching around words. That certainly wasn’t a statement he wanted to disagree with. He took great pride in his Noldor family. Finally, he said, “We shall have to see if you possess the strength of character to guide them in the light, Maedhros.” 

He paused, weighing if he should say more while anger still surged behind his chest. “Of all my sons, you are most prepared.”

Maedhros lowered his head in deference to his father. Maglor quickly followed his lead. 

From the table, Curufin glowered.

“I will be watching,” Fëanor cautioned, returning to his seat at the head of the table. With a sweeping gesture of his arm, he welcomed his eldest sons and adopted grandsons to the meal.

#i really do want to slap feanor sometimes #he's really awful in this au #anyway being irritated at people irl is a great reason to feanor being terrible to e+e #curufin hates them for his own special reason #these poor children #they can fit so much trauma inside them #they handle it very differently. let me tell you #my poor little elrond #no maiar in this au so figured e+e could have some uruk instead (from their dad's side) #family puts the fun in dysfunctional #but no one has fun #they really are awful to each other #it's a wonder they can even work together #anyway #feanor #elrond #elros #maedhros #maglor #celegorm #caranthir #curufin #amras #amrod #sons of feanor #the silmarillion #twdd au #grimwing writes

[scorndotexe]

idk man kaz isn't my real name, my birth name DEFINITELY isn't my real name i have a bunch of nicknames but i don't have a name

#gets really funny when people ask me about my name and i look like an idiot #because i'm trying to decide whether to tell them the greek pronunciation of my birth name #the english pronunciation #the nickname of my birth name #or just ''kaz'' #sometimes i say kaz is just a nickname and then they ask what it's short for #man idk!! it's a nickname without a name. #not quite an online nickname. most of my irl friends call me kaz #i think i put too much meaning in names actually #persimmon's rambles

[da-proti-toku-grem]

i was having a midnight talk with my brother yesterday and i told him that when i went out with my friend the other day i didn't have any anxiety attack (like it usually happens to me every time i go out of my house), and you know i wasn't expecting him to say anything about it, people would usually go "...okay? 🤨" like, that's what it's supposed to be like, why would you have anxiety because of that? but he went: "Good! 😁" and high-five'd me

and i- i didn't know what to say but it warmed my heart :(

#i'm might or might not be tearing up a little as i write this #like. i don't think anyone has ever reacted like that when i tell smth like this #i think no one that i know irl really understand my social anxiety and everyone is like 'oh she's just shy' #and when i gather the courage to do smth that makes me feel really anxious (but it's considered 'normal' and 'not a big deal') people just - #- laugh it off in front of my face and they're like 'oh look at her! she did [whatever]' #and idk if it makes me more sad or angry. definitely both #but i never say anything ofc bc my fucking anxiety doesn't let me be mean to anyone on purpose even if they really deserve it sometimes #(well. that might just be my personality in general more than my anxiety but oh well) #fuck i'm ranting again but yeah. i felt good that someone for once didn't just laugh and actually acknowledged that it is hard for me #but i did it anyways and i didn't feel bad about it (just this time but smth is smth) #and i should be proud of myself for taking these little steps (i'm telling this to myself to convince me that it's true) #(idk it's working really well lol) #maca speaks #venting #(the venting was more just the tags but you get it)

[colourofmagic]

süßi

#adam schürk defeated my art imposter syndrome today #sometimes i accidentally realize that i actually can draw really well and it's not just the only thing people irl define me by and tell me #spatort #tatort saarbrücken #adam schürk #fanart

[deityofhearts]

the current (and consistent) mood is “my presence is unnecessary and contributes nothing”

#deity dialogue #so like on that note I just don’t know what to do #I feel like I need to be realistic about my place in peoples lives and just idk stop assuming people care #*shrug emoji* like I’m tired of being hurt by stupid shit that doesn’t matter #I just don’t feel like it matters whether or not I exist in anyone’s life or in general #I keep trying to tell myself that isn’t true or tell myself that it’s okay but nothing works #sometimes I do genuinely think maybe people do care and want me in their lives #then I realize I’m just bothering them and not like worth their time and it stings because I genuinely want to be wnated by people #anyways my head still hurts and i have a bday dinner to attend tomorrow so once again I’m taking sleep medicine #getting my fave depression snack tomorrow: tiramisu #perhaps I can opt out of dinner and get TWO tiramisu #but probably not I should probably eat actual food lest my irls get on my case about not eating

[fluttermouse-official]

I have a crush on a girl at school should I ask her out

why are you asking me

#seriously though um. i like never talked to people in high school ESPECIALLY not the girls i liked and i do regret it. i say shoot your shot #worst case scenario she spits in your face and tells the whole school you're gross. but sometimes that happens even when you dont #also if you're not stupid you wouldnt like someone who would do that anyway #so its unlikely #and even if it does happen itll feel like the whole world is ending but its not. high school is a blip and THANK GOD it is. but its a blip #you should make the most of #this was weird. never ask me for advice again #mlb irl #asks

[musical-chick-13]

Fandom be normal about bi women challenge (impossible. apparently.)

#look. I too am tired of (white) men getting praised for the bare minimum #but you all do realize that sometimes women do genuinely fall in love with men right #that women are capable of making their own decisions about who they date right #this is one of the reasons that I hate the 'genuinely I hate every single individual man' rhetoric #because so many times it goes hand in hand with this infantilization of women who are attracted to men #it's like 'oh these poor girls trapped in their attraction to men' and then like...treating them as if they are incapable of making informe #choices? like they're just inherently doomed to gravitate toward awful men because they Don't Know Any Better and are #Brainwashed By Society??? please tell me you understand why treating women as if they are too stupid to make their own decisions #is just misogyny again. you understand that right. RIGHT. #'why would you CHOOSE to date a man instead of doing the RESPONSIBLE and PROGRESSIVE and REVOLUTIONARY thing and date a woman!' #because sometimes. women fall in love with men. you can't. you can't will love into existence. you can't control who you fall in love with. #and people-if it's feasible-tend to want to commit to someone they have actual feelings for. what's not clicking here. #(and yes obviously this is a niche-queer-spaces-specific problem people don't have discourse about this in this way irl like the #general population isn't telling me I should only ever be attracted to women and date one solely For The Cause they don't want me #to be interested in women at all. that doesn't stop me from being annoyed every time I see said niche-space-specific ''''take'''') #it's especially confusing to me when BISEXUAL PEOPLE are like this about other bisexual people. like you of all people. should know #how maligned we are from multiple conflicting angles #In the Vents #biphobia #like I know I talk SO much about women and how I want to marry one but that genuinely is just because historically I have been more #attracted to women than men. if I meet a man I click with and fall in love with then hell yeah I'm gonna date him and be happy about it. #I'm not opposed to that outcome at all. but heaven forbid I ever say that lmao

[kaurwreck]

I cannot relate when people talk about being unable to distinguish comorbid symptoms, at least not to the same degree. I have mine fairly parsed, including where they overlap and exacerbate each other, in part because of how aggressively I've pursued treatment while also staggering it in such a way that allowed me and my psychs to identify the separate disorders.

#this isnt anti self diagnosis either #i correctly self diagnosed before getting actually diagnosed #idk i approached my mental health treatment like a virgo enneagram one for lack of a more succinct way of saying #“aggressively and with a hyperfocus on self improvement” #sometimes i assume what im doing is average and then my mental health team reminds me that no i am Atypical #i will never forget telling my therapist i should stop saying im built different #and her replying with “normally i would agree but... well....” #also im CONSTANTLY learning new things about myself and my conditions #this isnt to imply i have everything figured out #if im ever not learning anything new about myself then im stagnating #nor is it like implying there's a right or wrong way to go about this sort of thing #it's just an observation and an admission that i often cant relate to a lot of posts and convos even about my specific diagnoses #the amount of times people with my same illnesses have attempted to neurotypical karen me or who have implied i dont really have them #is Many #like more than youd think and in both irl and online spaces #generally over innocuous things but all because they dont think im expressing my illnesses right #and the fact of the matter is ive had medical professionals tell me that while my symptoms are textbook - how i express them isnt always #it's a neutral observation but one that sometimes leaves me like a little out of my depth in more general convos about mental illnesses

[corset]

You know. I thought I talked way too much and never listened. But after running into someone like that who just absolutely takes over every conversation that ever happens and never seems to stop to interact with other people in those conversations/listen to them/stop talking for two seconds in this server I am in, I'm actually a lot less self conscious about this because it is now clear to me that I do actively make an effort to not be like this.

#It's Unbearable #It's getting to the point where any time they enter the conversation I just quietly leave because I cannot stand them #'never listened' is a bit of an exaggeration. I knew it wasn't /that/ bad but I know I have a tendency to go on and sometimes I get anxious #about getting something out because I can be scatterbrained/forgetful if I don't at times and I've also had to unlearn the feeling of like #'I need to dominate this conversation or I will just be ignored' that has been kind of trained into me by so many bad interactions/people #in the past -_- #Anyways it's definitely gotten better. #Especially irl since I've tried to make it a point to communicate that I want time to think about what I want to say sometimes #I'm used to my family who will prompt me super stressfully if I don't answer/reply to them in 2 seconds #I've had to tell my mother like 'okay. count to /seven/ at least and if I still haven't replied you can gently prod me to make sure I heard #you'

[bmpmp3]

I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away

#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd #ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding. #i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way #when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee #but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo #and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards #not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony #my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like #marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there #i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my #parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL) #but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school #nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is #same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL #i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not. #i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds #but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice #i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring #that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases #and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason #you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident #im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like #i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS #i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3 #i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔

[elendsessor]

the fact that microsoft’s inherently shitty ai app is one of the most downloaded and well received apps on the apple app store is an actual fucking crime. idc if it works and that’s why it’s good it’s still ai.

i know anyone who still defends ai being used to replicate and/or replace any form of artistic expression is a massive creatively bankrupt person who probably peaked in high school and is struggling to be anything due to how anything seen as cringe/unpopular equals bad + the majority of people who actively use apps are either old farts with most of their brain ripped out or ipad/tiktok kids who have had their brains rotted to the point of no return but considering how the most popular forms of ai function off of theft and even privacy breaching (with the former at least being pushed to the forefront). yeah.

ai can be good i have to stress that but the ways it has and continues to be most commonly used is stealing, and considering how many voice actors who have had their voice used in voice synthesizers expressed being genuinely uncomfortable and hurt by it, this shouldn’t just be swept under the rug. it’s dangerous. did we learn nothing from the billions of “ai bad and dystopian” plot lines in books/movies/games/any form of media. did we.

#saw that while trying to figure out my internet connectivity issue :///// #it just makes me mad #maybe it’s because i’m a writer or because i know many people irl and online who do art #but it does upset me sometimes #and it hurts knowing what i write could be fed into a machine and made into ai fake apology number 6000 or harmful false info #heck even an ai generated fic #you can’t ever tell who stole it or what it’s being put towards and that’s what’s so terrifying