#still is if you dont count iw

[mlynar-nearl]

omg !!!! hi ty for the detailed response 😭😭😭😭 i love all the mini little petty facts like god !!!! i love learning about ocs !!!!! he likes birds, hes petty and buys ancient iberian cookies to spite andoain pls he sounds like a fun character pls i cannot express myself but !!!!!! i am immensely pleased !!!! thank u sm </3

and yes ofc u did amazing in ur essay ! you dont just try you do it very amazingly !!! (www sorry im kind of just feelings rn i love the reply!! im hyped!! idk what to say!!) this is a lot of exclamation marks i apologize as well and tysm i love the detailed ans of his kit as well 🥰🥰 ur a wonderful being i love u and ur ocs and tysm aaaaa idk what to say

do u have any more ocs ? or do u have a storyline set for shealtiel? (im so sorry learning abt other ppls ocs make me all fuzzy im sorry ;-;) like ocs in ak are a thing ive never actually thought about so now that ive heard abt urs im just ! hell yeah! iw to know more ! so thank u for indulging me !

yes of course!! i love answering questions like i said i have lots of thoughts, head full and Such. especially about my ocs and mlynar because he's blorbo from my games. god i woke up today and i'm counting down the events til he's Here and i Have Him.

i do have a couple more arknights ocs (i have ocs in other things lol but. arknights is the focus.) they're less developed outright than shealtiel.

i'm leaving shealtiel's story where it is for the moment until we have an update on what andoain is doing, then i'll probably tweak it to move with that. i do think that he's not going to get what he wants, because i don't think he's going to get to help kill andoain given how arknights handles characters like ando, but he's going to be better off for not getting it.

as for my other ocs, i have my doctor, who is in stasis because i don't like being wildly wrong about lore. but the sparknotes is that their name is taki, they're divorced from kal'tsit, they're four foot nine and their abilities include seeing branching timelines from their decisions, which is responsible for their tactics. the Doctor Visor helps them filter it all out, which is why they rarely take it off in actual situations or important (plot-relevant) conversations. however, it was made before the sarcophagus, so it's a little loose and it falls down a bit sometimes. for now they're a fennec vulpo because i love fennec foxes. i realize this makes two of my arknights characters vulpos, but this is unsurprising, because foxes are part of my Brand.

second fox is a self-indulgent one. audr "audie" fuchsfrost is arctic fox + from a minor family in kjerag. i made him because i think silverash is hot and i wanted to make an ocship about it. bottom text. audie seems very unassuming and cute and sociable, but he also has a pragmatic side that keeps encio guessing and is always a pleasant surprise for audie's partner. arranged marriage to actual lovers because they realize they have a lot in common. i said this was self-indulgent, didn't i. "this is my husband, enciodes, and this is his boyfriend, gnosis."

last one is still in the oven, but i've been working on a kazimierz bounty hunter's guild oc, a banshee sarkaz called enka or "howl". she grew up with the guild. has vocal Arts. is an absolute raccoon of a woman. i think they found her in the garbage. i've kind of been marinating on her the last couple of days but she's the newest addition, so, there's not too much there yet.

#anonymous #ash answers #maybe i should do tags for these guys as well. hoogh #oc: audie #oc: enka #oc: taki #shealtiel

[mwagneto]

like i was AROUND when ragnarok came out but somehow it still shocks me whenever i see how many people just absolutely despise it. put some fucking love in your heart

#''loki was ooc'' he fucked jeff g0ldblum also he sucks who cares #''th0rki didn't fuck"' die #barking #now all the bat shit insane takes are coming back thanks to the l0ki show and the #whole deal with taika like shut the fuck up it's just a fun movie.... #like you're literally an mcu stan #btw i dont even mean l0ki sucks but can anyone who hasn't been obsessed/in #love with him for years tell me what either of the th0r movies were about. ill wait #rhetorical question i don't care i just mean almost every movie he's in is terrible #r@gnarok was easily the best at the time #still is if you dont count iw #marvel #mcu #ragnarok

[sensesdialed-a]

And how to s u r v i v e, there’s no written guidelines

How to go back, 

            How to show up and unpack, 

                                                     How to show up, 

                                                                         How to GROW UP

                                                                                                      How to take a BREATH

Take a silent breath, hold in the change, tell yourself you STILL LIVE HERE. 

You still share a name                                                                      But you’re NOT the same 

                                 It’s a whole new game of how to return home

#{ you got no fear of the underdog; music } #{ though i am bruised // know i'll keep moving; verse } #(ok alcohol showed me this a while ago and its been in his playlist since and ive always seen it as post iw BUT) #(ITS EVEN WORSE NOW) #(CAUSE IT ABSOLUTELY STILL FITS AND IM DFKHDBSJ) #( C R Y I NG) #(just like. switched pronouns. and its perfect. fuck. im crying) #(peter my bby :( ) #(but yea this is very post endgame :DDDD) #avengers endgame spoilers #(i dont think that counts as spoilers but. just in case)

[mirkwood-princeling]

MCU

thanks! this was honestly difficult i haven’t been into MCU as much as i used to be

-first character i fell in love with: Thor i guess? that was the first marvel movie i remember watching

-a character i used to like but now don’t: captain america, i don’t dislike him now but i’m not as invested in his storyline as i used to be

-a ship i used to like but now hate: when i was younger i liked Tony x Steve but now I’m not a fan

-ultimate favorite character: thor or peter parker

-prettiest character: Valkyrie, Okoye, Peggy Carter

-most hated character: Hawkeye (i’m sorry i just dont like him)

-otp: hmm i really don’t have anyone i ship rn i haven’t been super invested in marvel for a while

-notp: natasha x anyone, i don’t think she needed a romantic storyline

-favorite movie: thor: ragnorak or the first GOTG

least favorite: the second thor movie i dont even remember what its called but god it was boring

-saddest death: peter parker in IW or tony in endgame

-character everyone else loves but you hate: tbh i cant think of anyone

-my “youre a piece of trash but you’re still a fave”: does loki even count for this i feel like he was redeemed enough to not count but i’ll say loki

-deserves better: natasha and peggy carter

-this ship is wrong but i still like it: tbh im not entirely sure what would count for this but i don’t really have any ships like this

-cute, lowkey ship: peter p x mj (i havent seen FFH so yeah)

#mcu #ask game

[no-gorms]

Im sorry if this has been asked already but I just have a few questions if you dont mind: 1 - for the guys & bots au, how would IW and Endgame be diff on that world? 2 - for the front row seats, I know you said old!steve and original tony werent together on that verse & old!steve never really saw the potential of getting together w/ his tony until he saw the younger steve and tony together. But after that, do you think steve regretted on not pursuing that direction? The what-ifs can be scary.

Hi there! No worries, these questions can be fun and it’s very cool that anyone’s interested in this kind of thing. 😘

I’m gonna answer Q2 first about Front Row Seats, cause this one’s easier. I reckon that original!Steve has very complicated feelings about alternate!Steve and Tony’s relationship. He’s very happy for them, but also deeply envious of their connection and general closeness, which allowed them to avoid the worst of the conflicts original!Steve had with his Tony.

I personally read Steve (in general) as someone who compartmentalizes and/or represses a lot of his feelings, and in this specific fic that manifests with original!Steve choosing to view alt!Steve and alt!Tony as completely separate people (something alt!Steve has in common with him, lol), and refusing to think too closely about what he could have had with his Tony. Obviously the circumstances in the original universe were so different that there was never any chance of that happening. (So he chooses to believe.) Original!Steve also cannot in good conscience wish that Tony and Pepper’s marriage never happened, or that Morgan was never born, so he’d rather focus on what he can make better in the new timeline, and is kinda hoping that when he dies he’ll get to see Tony again and ask him what he thinks.

As for Q1 about Guys and Bots:

My feeling is that although Steve and Tony are together post-civil war and will immediately rally the troops*, Thanos’s first attack on Earth will still go badly for them simply because Earth is unprepared and the various heroes functionally scattered.

*I have a mental image of a scene where Steve and Tony gather all their allies at the compound and it’s all WE DO THIS TOGETHER and EARTH IS COUNTING ON US, and after the initial tactical planning is done, Steve and Tony naturally drift to each other and are like Hi….. haven’t seen you in a while…. (smooch) and in the background Peter goes GASP!!!!

It’d be a very close, good fight, and I’m fond of two different possible scenarios. The first is that they manage to hold Earth’s defenses using the Time and Mind Stones long enough that Carol can reach Earth in time to tip the scales, or they lose by a very very narrow margin and Thanos completes the snap and escapes as in canon, BUUUUUUT the difference here is that Tony gets dusted. 

Because, IDK, I’m a terrible person and I want Steve’s one-two years of sadness (let’s cut it down a little) to include losing Tony. In this ‘verse, Shuri and Peter don’t get dusted, and they’re on the team that cracks time travel ahead of “canon” schedule, because Scott is already an Avengers ally before it all went down and they find his truck.

I mean, yea, it’s fun to imagine Tony getting unblipped and Strange telling him about what happened and how long they were gone, and Tony’s like oh… oh okay… but he focuses on armoring up and, c’mon just imagine Steve’s face when Tony steps through the portal.

#scaramouche answers asks #anonymous #verse: front row seats #verse: guys and bots #superhusbands for ts

[dekudynamight]

I'm sure you're sick of the Endgame discourse by now but: A Thought just occurred to me, given the fandom wank over whether or not Steve "abandoned" Bucky and Sam, and (Wanda), if he came back 10 sec later, but the thing is for me ( and you kinda answered this in return to another ask ), and it's like: even if Steve came back 10 secs later it was an entire lifetime for *Steve*, where he decided that his happy ending didn't include the friends he had made in the 21st century. That in the end 1/?

Steve decided, that his happy ending didn't include his childhood friend, who he was willing to put himself under the supervision of 117 countries for ( he was willing to go against his instincts and submit to 117 countries for *Bucky*, it was only when he heard Wanda had been placed house arrest that he refused) his one bond outside the Avengers (Sam) , & his pseudo daughter/ little sister in Wanda. Like how is that extremely hurtful to them. That they were not enough for Steve to continue 2/?

living in the present? That goes beyond selfish it's *cruel* (And that's not even counting the Sharon thing, which if we're going by M&M interviews he had thing with and who he should have mentioned at the therapy session for survivors of the snap, because that would have been someone appropriate to bring up in response to Gay Joe Russo's loss), Like Bucky and his treatment is just emblematic of the whole thing, because of well let's not pretend hardcore shippers are salty, but also anger 3/?

At the way his arc was concluded? HE HAD A FAMILY HERE LIKE 90% OF WHOM HAD JUST COME BACK AND A GIRLFRIEND/ FWB . Are you seriously telling he goes back to Peggy after all of that ( and yes people he was supposed to living with Sharon in IW, trust me they did a lot more than "live together". An actual relationship has come back and he ..leaves? I mean I get why they did it (EvC didn't have the rapport with Chris that Hayley did- and the cries of "she's Peggy's grandniece!!!") but JFC 4/?

They could have had the protentional there, and had Steve working with Doctors Without Borders of something, to explain why she's running around with Falcon and Bucky. I'm sorry I'm ranting but I'm just so sad, because what it says to me is that *I* wouldn't be good enough Steve. And that hurts

First of all I’ll never be sick of endgame salt/discourse 😂 and this blog is a safe space for any and all to come and vent about the massive disappointment many of us are still feeling over this movie, so feel free to come and chat any time about this (or anything else of course 😘)

I AGREE WITH EVERY POINT YOU MADE AND AM ANGERY ALL OVER AGAIN 😡 also!!! Everything you mentioned about Sharon is so spot on and also I think it just truly clicked in my head for the first time how absolutely weird the support group was re: Sharon because!! Like you said, she WAS Steve’s most recent gf/lover/whatever you wanna call her. They had their initial connection in TWS, reconnected in CW when she risked her entire career and freedom to help Steve (and I’m p sure she was in fact a fugitive between CW and IW like the rest of team cap). We know that M&M said that early drafts of IW/EG had Steve and Sharon living together and “trying to make it work” - their words, not mine. And yet, after Sharon literally frickin DIED, Steve was... staring... at her dead aunt’s pic?? Whom... had been dead from natural causes for several years... BRUH IT DONT MAKE SENSE.

Listen, people can feel however they wanna feel about the ending but in the end, let’s be real and objective for a second. The entire Cap trilogy makes it abundantly clear that Steggy was never the intended endgame (pun intended 🙄). Peg played an important role in Steve’s character development but it came to an end, they both moved on, Steve developed an interest in Sharon. The weird Steggy “happy ending”... it was never the plan, and the early IW/EG drafts are proof. So, one can not argue that it was some grand beautiful in character master plan because it wasn’t, by any stretch of the imagination. It just... it isn’t good. It isn’t Steve. We all know it, whether we’re willing to admit it or not.

I think in the end it just comes down to the writers/powers that be not understanding the value of found family vs heteronormative romance. That’s kind of EG’s fatal flaw imo, it wrecks the whole thing. Nat dying so Clint can live and be with his cookie cutter family vs Nat living and being with her found family is another example. They just don’t get it, just like they don’t understand trauma and think it’s okay to call Bucky dangerous and bad and not worthy of the shield. And I suppose we shouldn’t expect rich old straight white men to understand these concepts, but boy does it get exhausting watching them destroy all the characters I love 🙃

But anyway. EG Steve ain’t the Steve I know and love and I don’t care what the Russos or M&M or Feige or Mickey Mouse himself says. Steve Rogers as a character belongs to us, the fans, not the greedy corporate weirdos cashing in on his original author’s work 😊 So let’s just toss EG Steve in the trash and remember the character as he actually is 💙

#asks #anti endgame #endgame discourse #this got long akksksksk sorry

[groguhasaknife]

Endgame Callbacks and References

proceed with caution - there will be a break before spoilers start but it may not work on mobile. If it does not work, I put 5 bold, header "Endgame Spoilers” in the beginning and 5 bold, header “End Post”s at the end

Please feel free to DM me I would love to talk to someone about this.

I literally spent 2 hours typing up my feeling and categorizing them so yeah this is just the references I remembered but I have other categories lololol and hopefully if I have time to format it I will post them later too. 

This obviously is not all of them it isn’t many at all actually but hopefully when I watch it again on Friday I can add more cuz I loved the references.

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

references/callbacks - these are all internal to like marvel itself

Joe Russo in support group

the same Russo bro was in Winter Soldier as a doctor

really liked how the subtly added an explicitly gay character, it was not the main point. as someone who is gay, I am always in disbelief when I see representation and I really could not believe it when he referred to his partner as he, I was so happy.

“Suit of armor around the world”

age of ultron

Tony, I love you. but it would have only delayed Thanos a little bit, it is the thought that counts.

Captain America’s Ass

okay this is not really a reference but this is just an homage to Chris Evans’ amazing backside

love that they pointed this out, love that they talked about it for a while

love that Tony commented on it and basically confirmed bisexuality love that

i like to think that this was for the fans

THOR VIKING BEARD

again not really a reference

there was a tumblr post going around that thor never got his braided hair well he did get braided hair or at least i think it was somewhat styled in thor 2 but WE GOT the braided beard babey with the full power up yummmm yess go off sir

also tell me thor in the end did not look like aquaman... or give you aquaman vibes love that for him and his final character arc, giving up his throne to valkyrie cuz he knows its not for him

Loki into Cap

callback to Thor: The Dark World

I knew as soon as I saw Loki again when they went back that they were going to think cap or tony was loki in disguise and they even pointed that out with loki transforming

it’s funny how loki only turns to Cap or at least he has done him the most from what we have seen

“I can do this all day”

the first avenger, civil war

This one was an obvious one, but I loved it just as much and future cap’s response? so good loved that for them

Elevator Scene

winter soldier

biiitcchhh i was toooo hyped when I saw this, but I just realized now, of course there was gonna be a callback to winter soldier and so like exactly because the Russos directed it obvi. But this was so good

like did they use the same footage in the beginning? (ik they didnt) It felt dead same to me but there were some different characters right? like was sitwell there in that scene in tws?

Hydra Cap

scene itself to Winter Soldier, Cap knowing they were hydra and reference to the comics plot twist that everyone was up in arms about

I think this was strategic for cap and I am pretty sure Chris Evans was against hydra cap? right so it was definitely not approving it or anything

the men "didnt feel so good" - when Cap is distracting Hank Pym

infinity war

I really don’t know if this was intentional but I was just like ……… really marvel youre gonna do us like that

"operating a machine" - howard stark

Iron Man 2

where he said tony was the best thing he ever created/invented, talking about him like a tool…...more on this another time

Jarvis!!!

agent carter

the same actor from agent carter! love him the most

“on your left”

from winter soldier

i died at this part, it took me a second to like process what was happening but jaglakjdf love u sam :((

“Avengers Assemble”

callback to tease in Ultron, and comics obvi

I may have cried. I was waiting for that. It was so good.

Steve Rogers wielding Mjolnir

from age of ultron…….more on this another time

callback to cap budging the hammer in age of ultron

“don’t worry she’s got help” - female characters

Infinity War

I don’t know if this counts since it was literally from Infinity War, maybe not the exact wording, but…... more on this another time

Someone standing behind Wanda

in the funeral scene there was someone standing behind Wanda, Bucky, and Sam that I did not recognize and idk if I’m just blind but they looked like evan peters to me...... and i know it was not him from searching it but i thought it was like an introduction of xmen to the mcu slowly as disney bought fox but i was wronggggg but who was it? was it maria hill? I saw she was credited in the well credits but i swear i dont remember seeing her in the movie

Wanda and Clint’s dynamic still remaining

callback to age of ultron

father and daughter relationship, really good

“don’t do anything stupid until I get back” “how can i? youre taking all the stupid with you”

from the first avenger

:((((((( i- that was very emotional like i didnt process that one either that was like deep in the recess of my memories wow that was solid

Clink of Tony working on the original Iron Man suit - end screen

from Iron Man (2008)

I did not actually infer that it was from Iron Man at first, that was in the back of my mind, but given that end scenes are always about the future I thought it was like the forge where stormbreaker and mjolnir and the gauntlet were made and referencing future characters, weapons, etc. But it was a great callback alkdfjalskdjfajlafjdklajkdl I love Tony :(((

also some unedited ramblings (i only added periods to make it somewhat comprehensive) :

I had the ending robbed from me by dumbasses on instagram. I predicted tony would take the gauntlet and die from it because I knew he was going to die. I wish I could relive watching that not knowing, but if any marvel fans want to tell me how they felt I would love to listen and talk about endgame and the mcu with you and live vicariously through you. that black widow dying and cap getting old was also spoiled. I thought cap was gonna stay when they time traveled the first time but I knew where the soul stone business was going. I wanted to sob at Tony dying and I knew I would have if I didnt know, but I already knew and had accepted it but now it feels like he isnt actually dead idk like when tony almost died in iw I cried so I know I would have sobbed.... but even so tony’s death had been spoiled to me 3 separate times in the three days since its been released and each has been on a different day so I guess it was meant to be but im still mad that was taken from me

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End Post

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#endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #a:e #a:e spoilers #spoiler #spoilers #long post

[rayshippouuchiha]

Any chance we can get a TChalla/Toni fic? I've been wanting one since you wrote about her not feeling comfortable around him cause he was an honorable man and honorable men dont tend to extend that honor to her. I want it so so bad. Dunno if it would have the same jumping point as BoI and the Quill/Toni one or you could do TChalla coming back for Toni with Vision? Ps: Im also still holding out for a IronStrange one too, no pressure boo

I’ve got Ideas™ for a number of fics as well as a surprisingly fluffy one when it comes to IronStrange/StrangeQueen fic so that might be in our future.

As for PantherQueen/IronPanther, I’m hesitant to do it for a number of reasons but I’m most certainly not counting it completely out.  I’d be open to doing it and I’d either set it at the same jump point as BoI and SoS or maybe a post-IW fic.

#The Limitations of Wax #Anonymous #RayRambles

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

#blathering

[ask-pokemon-ranger-kara]

Have you ever been on a mission involving a Legendary Pokemon?

like others, I was in almia when the Darkrai incident took place. Heck, Iw as close to the altru tower as well, but my task was to try and reclaim as many of the strongest pokemon in the area to make it harder for Dim Sun to use them if we failed, and be prepared to do a mass citizen evacuation, so I’m not sure if this actually counts.The most notable of my missions that concerned Legendary pokemon, is when I was asked to head to Unova with a few other rangers, as the three Swords of Justice had been sighted in alarming frequency. It seems someone had been REALLY intent to redevelop critical pokemon habitat, likely to lure the three out, and I ended up having to calm Terrakion in order to not be trampled as a threat. I dont know what he and Myra said to Cobalion but im glad he stopped glaring at me.He seemed insulted though… I wonder what kind of language Myra was using. Still sends chills down my back to think of that glare he gave me. We ended up finding the culprits and taking them down. 

#apparently Myra gets Vulgar when shes telling others off #I sure hope I didnt teach her anything too bad #Maybe it was Skiff's murkrow? #anyway cobalion is terrifying and I hope not to meet him again

[cavalierycuth]

Tag Game.

Tagged by: @collateralxbeauty

Tagging: @humantovch @eternvals  @gasstationhorror

1: Are you named after someone? three people!! an aunt on my mom’s side, an aunt on my dad’s side, and my grandpa... in a way lol 2: When was the last time you cried? i don’t know?? a week ago sometime?? i really cant remember 3: Do you like your handwriting? i have two kinds of handwriting?? and ones too sloppy and ones too weird and girly so no. i hate both lmfao 4: What is your favorite lunch meat? uhh... turkey 5: Do you have kids? not ... yet? 6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? maybe?? i don’t know, i’m really fucking blunt and straight up so... yeah maybe idk 7: Do you use sarcasm? constantly yes 8: Do you still have your tonsils? lmfao yes i do 9: Would you bungee jump? NO NEVER HOLY SHIT that’s always scared me 10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? cinnamon toast crunch yo 11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? i wear high tops so.. yeah i gotta or i cant get my foot out lmfao. 12: Do you think you’re a strong person? i like to think so, yeahh 13: What is your favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip <---- omg same to that 14: What is the first thing you notice about people? the color of their eyes and their teeth 16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? my tummy chub ok 17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? i’m wearing pants with m&m’s on them so rainbow?? and i’m not wearing shoes 20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? mint green ooh, or lavender 21: Favorite smell? lilac omg 22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? does skype count? i’m gonna say it does bc i dont do phone calls so, my boyfriend and it was last night 23: Favorite sport to watch? football oooooo 24: Hair color? brown, but it has like?? an ombre to blonde that i did myself bc i’m trash. i gotta redye it, it will be brown &  violet soon 25: Eye color? poop brown  26: Do you wear contacts? nope. glasses tho 27: Favorite food to eat? italian c: 28: Scary movies or comedy? comedy!! 29: Last movie you watched? clueless 30: What color shirt are you wearing? black 31: Summer or winter? summer!! but tbh i love every season i’m lame 32: Hugs or kisses? i’m a hugger c: 33: What book are you currently reading? clockwork angel by cassandra clare 34: Who do you miss right now? my best friend bc she’s always busy with school and work so i see her evey few weeks now :/// 35: What is on your mouse pad? i dont have one 36: What is the last tv program you watched? how to get away with murder 37: What is the best sound? thunder and rain!! wind!! the sound of a fire!! those are my favorite  38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? beatles ayy 39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? uh, i’ve been to NYC but that’s it. and that’s only like 20 miles from where i am so that. when i was younger iw ent to florida but id ont count it because i was too young to remember 40: Do you have a special talent? i can draw and paint?? is that “special” idk i dont think so 41: Where were you born? new york?? good samaritan hispital?? idk man

#( * about me. )

[sharingsharoncarter]

Well Scarlett seemed okay after initial wtf reaction but probably didn't wanna hurt Mark's feelings, more of PR move. I am personally not really purist in terms of canon or not, but it has to fit the characters, which this didn't. Just forcing canon couples ain't always a good idea, just focusing on that. I do think in Avengers there were subtle hints because people claim there are multiple hints for buckynat romance but yet again denying those? I mean it seems to me all the same.

I dont see the Bruce nat hints because hulk attacked her and ran after her most of the middle of Avengers and then after that? Nothing really? Buckynats hints are subtle and people dont see them unless they know their history, but she still said to him "you could at least recognize me", theyve had subtle hints in TWS, CW, and IW and one would argue AOU. I think it's a very different situation. But I try not to take the buckynat hints too seriously because I know people can dispute them the way I do with Bruce and Nat. I really just dont count avengers as build up for them because most of their scenes are violent.

[clwnpunk]

i just feel really bad today i wish i were actually good at art, i wish my stylw was unique, i wish it wasnt what it IS i wish i were a better person, i wish i could let go of things, i wish i could dlet go of people, i wish i could let og of the past i wish i was someone worth caring about i wish i could live up to everything iw anted to be or just something live up to something i dont want to grow u p alone and miserable i dont want to fight so hard to live my dream and have none of it matter anyways i dont want to have to gve up and end up at some fucking deadend job thatll kill me slowly  i dont want to waste away hatitng my life  iwish ic ould enjoy my life i wish i had more friends who actually gave a shit about me, the onl yperson i can count on is so restricted that i still feel alone constantly i miss being a stupid kid and going on adventures imisss not HAVING to go on adventures to feel like life was worth something i miss being close to someone and laying on the floor and talking and listening to music and that being so close, so close, even though its not uch it was all we needed i miss sleep overs and assing around 2 liter bottles andstaying up late because we wanted to notbecause we cant FUCKING SLEEP i miss how things were before 8th grade before allt he health scares before eveyone started growing uo before i had to move and leave everyone behind before we ll got so far apart and now were too far apart and we cant go back  things werent really okay but i didnt understand so it was okay anyways i fucking miss merit! i miss merit i miss ali i miss how things USED to bewith b before everythign got all FUCKED and WEIRD before i got so SCARED before i got hurt i miss being a kid in the desert riding my bike wherever the fuck i wanted and knowingwhere everything was and always having someone i could hang out with and knowing they cared about me back before eeverything wwas REAL and URGENT back before summer felt like bbeing stuck in a bubble with everything and everyone moving around you and youre just STUCKa dn ALONE or even underclassman years with ali and em before all THAT went to shit before she left before she hurt me before she called me cancer back in the apartmnet complex playground and in taco bell and at the shoppping cneter and my house and the convention when thinking about the sun in hereyelashes didnt ACHE when it was good and warm and my chest swelled and i loved her so much i know it hurt then but GOD not like it hurts now becuase she was still AROUND i could still be AROUND her we were still so close we were still joint at the hip and wed pass notes in class and i knew her secrests and wed laugh about the crush she ha on our french teacher and its all GONE now its all WRONG everything is DIFFERENT everyone LEFT everyone CHANGED i just want everything to go back

#dont reblog #personal #delete later #long post #text heavy #block text #i cant fucking let go of the apst! because the past wsnt good but it was better than this!