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grasslandgirl · 4 years

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im distracting myself from the impending doom of a six month hiatus and everything that... happened in MAG160 by thinking about all the Wonderful possibilities for jonmartin dynamics post-159 because I’m a sucker for pining and minor miscommunications and dumb fanfic tropes and I’m dragging all of you along on this ride with me!

1) They’re Both Just Chill: there’s no miscommunications, no misunderstandings. despite what peter said about them not knowing each other super well (and maybe he raised some valid points, despite being an asshole) they DO know each other well enough and had a deep enough connection during the look at me/ i see you, jon scene that they both just (for lack of a better word) Know. they look into each other’s eyes in the middle of the Lonely and they see the love there, and the hurt and the pain and the anger and everything, but they do see the love. and they recognize that, oh, we’ve been so dumb this entire time. and there’s no big Talk, no awkward stumbling around the question, they just move forward from jon and martin to jon-and-martin because they’ve wasted enough time already, haven’t they? they can’t afford to waste any more time at this point, and hey. they kind of have bigger problems going on, right?

2) I Really Loved You, You Know: ok so this one i’ve seen in quite a few fanfics and speculative posts about this one, and jon misconstruing how martin uses the past tense when talking to him in the Lonely, and can i just say....... it’s very good. you have jon, who’s been desperately trying to reconnect with people, especially martin, this entire season, who dives headfirst into the Lonely after him, and maybe he heard martin’s tape with elias from the end of s3, maybe he knows about martin’s feelings for him, maybe he at least suspects, and maybe he doesn’t; but the point of the matter is that he goes into the Lonely after martin because jon’s in love with him and i think we can mostly all agree that at least by MAG159 (and we can argue about WHEN he realizes it, later) jon is aware of his own feelings for martin. but he follows the man he loves, and he finds him, and he’s begging him to follow him out of the lonely, to come with him, and martin tells him that he loved him. really loved him. loved him, as in past tense. which, like, if you think about it? that’s SO heartbreaking. but jon keeps after him ANYWAY, and he breaks martin out of the Lonely’s grasp and they walk out side by side and then you’re left with jon, who is terrified on SO many different levels, and thinks that he failed, again. that he was too late with martin, too late to be his friend, too late to save him from Peter, and too late to love him, and he saved him, he did it, but it’s still heartbreaking, right? and juxtapose that with martin, who’s just been literally pulled out of his own loneliness by the man he’s been in love with for three years, and he told him he LOVED him and jon Didn’t Respond. and like? all the hurt and the pining and the trying to take care of each other despite everything and despite your own hurt that can happen there? SUPER good

3) Clueless Jon Doesn’t Know He Has A Boyfriend: this one kind of crosses over with #2 but it’s a little lighter and a little more fun. essentially you have martin, who says he loves jon and assumes jon heard his tape with elias where he outed martin entirely and sees jon come into the lonely to save him and hugs jon while crying when he comes to his senses and walks out of the lonely hand in hand with jon and thinks, quite reasonably, that ok, they’re dating now. and you have martin “caretaker” blackwood who’s worrying over jon and taking care of him and letting jon take care of him, and making him eat and they do all this vaguely date-y stuff because the world is kind of maybe ending, but hey! martin’s in love and hes going to enjoy it goddamnit. but then one day our beloved archivist, jon “emotionally obtuse” sims, has nearly a breakdown and he starts rambling on about how he’s in love with martin and he’s sorry and he wants there to be something between them and how he doesn’t want to change anything and this is terrible timing and he doesn’t even Know if martin feels the same way but he needed to get this off his chest etc etc etc and martin’s just like “i thought. i thought we were ALREADY dating.” which is.... hysterical if you ask me

4) Jonathan “Fuck The Lonely” Sims: kind of the opposite of the last two, in which jon is LESS of a moron than anyone expected! jon “the archivist” sims actually... thinks! he listens to the tape of elias and martin from MAG118 and reevaluates every interaction he ever had w martin after he wakes up from his coma and realizes that martin’s in love with him, and not only that, but HE’S in love with MARTIN, but has no way of communicating that to him until 154 and that whole conversation is just jon trying (and failing) to say “i love you. i love you and i know you love me and lets just say fuck this place and go. please lets just go the two of us, say you’ll come with me. i love you.” and martin. doesn’t understand. but then 159 happens and jon follows and they have That Moment and jon thinks that Finally they’re on the same page and meanwhile you have martin, who’s PEAK in his pining time, fresh out of a good year of self isolation and pure loneliness and needs a while to pull away from Forsaken and thinks that he’s alone in his pining after jon, because jon never said anything about the tape with elias, or martin saying he loved him in the lonely, and is completely clueless to the fact that jon thinks theyre straight up dating and are just taking it Slow. and then one day jon is like “hey ready for our date later” (they had dinner plans or smth but this is the first time he outrightly calls it a Date) or he kisses martin briefly on the forehead or cheek or smth and martin is like “WHAT IS GOING ON” and jon is just. baffled cause he’s not used to being the oblivious one in the relationship

5) Just Full On Pining Hours: theres some crossover here with both #2 and #4, but specifically this one is where BOTH jon and martin are full on in love and are idiots and think that the other person Doesn’t Love Them Back :( possibly featuring: jon focusing on the past tense of “i really lovED you, you know,” martin comparing jon going into the lonely to save him to jon going into the buried to save daisy/ cutting the bullet out of her leg to save melanie from the slaughter, jon being dumb and thinking all the statements he’s heard about martin’s “feelings” are elaborations/inaccurate/only in the past/etc, martin being so stuck in the lonely he pulls away from jon on instinct, jon caught up on what peter said about them not really knowing each other and MAD second guessing himself and questioning what his feelings for martin are really based on, both martin and jon throwing themselves MAJOR pity parties about falling to the power of the eye/the lonely respectively, jon going into “im a monster and im the worst and ive lost my humanity” mode and thinking he’s not Worthy of being with martin in the first place, martin being haunted by his time with peter and the lonely and keep falling back into the habit of pushing people (jon) away “for their own good,” etc etc etc etc! just a lot of sad pining hours bc these guys have been through a LOT and it’s hard to just drop straight into a healthy relationship (or Any relationship) when there’s so much baggage and history there in between

6) Run Away With Me, by Carly Rae Jepsen: I said what I said. i want them to be happy and so what if they run away and blind themselves and leave the archives and live in some house in another continent and never think about any of the entities again? i get to make the rules, its my fantasy au world and jonny can’t do anything to hurt them here

#look im SAD and i LOVE THEM and i need them to be HAPPY and SAFE OK #if this gets notes ill make fun daisira and georgie/melanie ones too be wlw rights #tma #tma spoilers #tma 160 #the magnus archives #the magnus institute #the magnus archives spoilers #mag160 #jonmartin #jonathan sims #jon sims #martin blackwood #otp: you’d do just about anything for him

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australian-desi · 3 years

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Qurbaan Hua ~ Episode 10-14: Of Murder, Bel-Gadis and The Death of My Favourite Character

There’s a lot of shouting, sorry in advance

Episode 10

Wow he really had the audacity to ask forgiveness

Do not tell me he’s the one that killed Saraswati

He’s trying to intimidate her??????? With what?????

She actually packs a punch, she pushed him right off of her

See this is the stuff I love about her

SHE LOCKED THE DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE AS WELL!!!!!! OMG WHAT A DAY IT HAS BEEN A TELLYWOOD CHARACTER WITH INTELLIGENCE

And that’s on saying Sarasti instead of Saraswati you swine

Where is this goddamn mandir, and why did she not take a car or something

He’s found her (it’s not her fault, she tried her best to hide) and omfggggg she’s right next to a cliff

I THOUGHT SHE DIED IN CHILDBIRTH OR SOMETHING WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

HE THREW HIS HEAVILY PREGNANT WIFE DOWN THE STAIRS AND HE WANTS TO BE THE HEAD PRIEST

HOLY SHIT

OMG

WHY AM I HERE

AND HER COUSIN IS JUST WATCHING THIS HAPPEN

ofcourse Neil’s rakhi breaks just as is sister is dying

NAVELI BE OUT HERE ACTUALLY JUSTIFYING KILLING HER SISTER WTAFFFFFFFFFFFF

CAN NEIL LISTEN TO HIS GODDAMN THIRD SENSE AND GO GET HIS SISTER FFSS

WHAT DID I TELL HIM, TAKE YOUR SISTER AND LEAVE BUT NOOOOOO

MANS IS KILLING HER RUTHLESSLY

He’s also comparing a position to the love of his unborn child????????????

HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS GOING TO PIN THE WHOLE MURDER ON DOCTOR BAIG

KILLLLL MOIIIIII

I KNEW THIS SHOW WAS INTENSE BUT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR A FULL FLEDGED MURDER

IT TOOK NEEL AN UNANSWERED PHONECALL, BROKEN RAKHI AND A LECTURE FROM A SAGE TO GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE

NOT THE FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM AND PANIC

Here Daddy Pandit is preaching that all human beings are equal, and being Hindu does not make you better or worse than those of other religions

If these are his thoughts, why does he refuse medical help from people of other religions, I do not understand

Ummm surely the doctor can tell the marks all over her body are from being physically assaulted and not just from a trivial fall

GOTTA LOVE CHAHAT, WHO IS A FRESH NEW DOCTOR, WAS ABLE TO TELL THAT SOMETHING’S UP, SHE DIDN’T JUST FAINT AND NOT A SENIOR DOCTOR

ALSO SHYAM1.5 IS OUT HERE FULLY READY TO SHIFT THE BLAME AS IF HE BROKE A GLASS OR SOMETHING AND NOT FULLY KILL HIS WIFE

Episode 11

Neel, is still running around the house screaming for his sister when it is quite clear no one is there, so good on him

Again I say, for a doctor this man is quite daft - DOCTORS ARE TRAINED TO LOOK FOR ABUSE

The fact my girl has to conduct CPR in the hospital really shows how much it is lacking in medical technology, so I guess Anjali2.0 was fucked from the start

And he’s now talking to Daddy Pandit, who is continuing the pooja as if Neel isn’t even there

VYASJI IS USELESS, GO LOOK FOR HER ON YOUR OWN YOU DIMWIT

This dumbass doctor is asking him point blank if it is a case of domestic violence as if he will just admit to it

YOU CALL THE POLICE FOR THE INTERROGATION YOU DONT JUST CONDUCT IT YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY

Pehla banda dekha jo pandit banne ke liye itne paap ekhate kar raha hai

Also since when did pandits become gunde

The baby has survived?????? Wow I am proud

Well this is just, holy shit, ummm, religion is an absolute joke when taken to these levels and like the joke is really all on them, because one of their own is a murderer/abuser/womaniser/manipulator

SARASWATI GET UP AND MURDER HIM BACK COZ WTAF

CAN THE DOCTOR MOVE OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY SO IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE SHE’S POINTING AT HIM

I KNEW THIS WOULD FKN HAPPEN

HOLY SHIT AND SHE’S GONE

There goes the only person in Neel’s whole household (apart from Neel) that I liked

These people are proper dumb, she was clearly pointing at the doctor

AND IS NO ONE LOOKING AT HIS GLEE OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH

ITS DADDY PANDIT NOT GIVING A SINGLE SHIT THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS MISSING

HOLLLYYY SHIETTT NEEL GO SEE YOUR SISTER RATHER THAN CARRYING OUT YOUR AINVAYI KE DRAMATICS

GOOD NOW SHE’S DEAD AND YOUR KAMINA JIJA IS ABOUT TO GET AWAY WITH IT

Omgggggg why have they hit me with the manpain so early in the show, im going to cry

Holy shiettt my dude is going to get so fucked over this, I can’t

Episode 12-14

Basically, I’m just very triggered by this whole thing

Neel has lost all sense and is after blood, because murder as revenge does not count as a paap apparently

Chahat is the only one with half a brain in this whole show, the person with the other half is now dead #rip #IAmStillTraumatisedFromHerDeath

Daddy Pandit is a horrible actor, coz I felt nothing, when he sees his daughter’s dead body, and the fact that I showed more emotion at Saraswati’s death

Fake Kamini knows something’s up between Shyam1.5 and Naveli, and she does not bat an eye which is worrying

When Neel ‘saved’ Chahat it was quite hot, it got me going (coz his whole body covers hers, and she clutches on to him tightly and that whole thing)

Ofcourse she faints coz she wouldn’t be an ITV female lead if she didn’t

Gotta also love how dramatic Neel got, with the whole, the person who’s blood I’m after, his daughter is in my arms, and my sister would also want me to avenge her death

Neel darling, yes she does want you to avenge her death, but I really wish you were a bit smarter to know/bother to find out who actually killed her even though I know this whole thing is a mess, you are an emotional mess and can’t think straight, but please calm down and think

Also, if I was Daddy Pandit or Neel I would’ve lost my faith in God a long long time ago, so proud of both of them in keeping this religion thing up

HAVE THESE CRAZIES REALISED THAT THE CHILD IS WELL AND ALIVE

OMFG THAT IN ITSELF IS ENOUGH PROOF THAT THEY DIDN’T KILL SARASWATI

COULDN’T THEY GET A POST-MORTEM REPORT DONE AS WELL WHICH WILL TELL THEM SHE DIED FROM TRAUMA NOT FROM POISONING

Awww that scene when Saraswati’s spirit comes to Neel to snap him out of his bullshit, that was sweet, hopefully he calms down and is able to get some much needed therapy, and go live happily with Meera

Who am I kidding

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE HIT HER WITH A BELL, AND IT FELL AROUND HER NECK, AND THEN LIKE A BEL-GARDI, HE IS DRAGGING HER

OMG WE’RE LITERALLY AT THE POINT WHERE THE ABUSE HAS LED TO A COMPLETE DEHUMANISATION OF THE FEMALE LEAD

ALSO ENJOYED THE WHOLE BELL HITTING HER MAANG, SO IT LOOKS LIKE SINDOOR - THAT’S VERY VERY FUCKED

I CANNOT

WHAT THE FUCK

WHY AM I WATCHING THIS

We’ve gone from occasional forceful arm grabbing to tying a bell around the girl’s neck AND PULLING IT BY IT

and I’m also lolling at the warning about how they don’t promote this behaviour

OMG DADDY PANDIT IS THE ONLY ONE WITH HUMANITY IN THIS WHOLE VILLAGE HOLY FUCKING SHIT (he’s said how burning the hospital down, going after their life, rioting etc. is not okay and is against everything he has taught his followers)

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I THINK THIS MAN WOULD COME OUT AND BE THE MOST SENSIBLE

And he’s keeping her hostage, lovely

It’s amazing how it’s taken them this long to call law enforcement

Well Neel has well and truly lost it, now he’s having another go at his dad

And Mami has found out that Chahat is in a room and coz of the blood/bell/sindoor situation has assumed that she’s Neel’s gf who he has just gotten married to

I don’t blame her, that’s on Neel locking a woman in his house

Now I’m wondering can this show get even more fucked than it already is

#qurbaan hua #Karan Jotwani #Pratibha ranta

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slytherinsinspace-blog · 6 years

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I’ll haunt the shit out of you- Chapter 1.

First of all- ghosts shouldn’t have anxiety.

Of all the fucking things that could have followed him into death- it had to be an ever-impending sense of doom and discomfort? Hadn’t he already reached his doom? Was death not doom enough?

Secondly- Katsuki listened to some god-awful music.

It hadn’t entirely been his decision to haunt Katsuki- though out of all the things that had happened to him since he died he supposed this was the thing that bothered him the least. Probably because it reminded him the most of when he had been alive.

He stood- or uh; floated now he supposed- there and tried to get Katsuki’s attention and either he ignored his existence entirely or he yelled and threw things and told him to go away.

Originally, he had just intended to go back home- because what the hell else was he going to do? And he had for a little bit- but his mother had cried and cried, and he just felt so terrible.

There was no consoling her, she just wept and looked at pictures of him and no matter how hard he tried to hug her; he just couldn’t reach her and it was just torture.

He was going to stick with it though; after all he was here for a reason he supposed and he should probably figure out what that reason was. But then he went to his funeral- and let me tell you that was the weirdest experience- ever.

Staring down at yourself lifeless in a coffin- like he knew he was dead but he was really dead. Like that was his body- laying there. Dead.

That was when he realized that ghosts- fucking have anxiety.

Well maybe not all ghosts- but he did; lets correct that. Ghosts had the capacity for anxiety.

How fucked up is that?

So, there he was- having a panic attack at his own funeral. Staring down at his lifeless green mop of hair and trying to tune out his mother’s high-pitched wails when Katsuki Bakugou looked him dead in the eye.

Now; he could have been looking somewhere else- it is entirely possible.

But Izuku just could not shake the feeling that he saw him.

Saw him.

He looked away quickly and left the funeral as quickly as his legs would take him and Izuku could have just brushed it off and gone home- but it wasn’t like anyone was going to miss him If he wasn’t there to awkwardly float around in the kitchen; or attempt to possess an all might doll.

So, he followed Katsuki home.

That had been a week ago and as it turns out.

Katsuki can see ghosts- or he can see Midoriya anyway. They hadn’t really delved into the seeing other ghosts part of things.

Also, as it turns out; Katsuki did not want to be able to see ghosts.

Which would have been fine if anyone else in then entire world could fucking see him- and believe him he tried. He followed every one of his classmates around the classroom- pulling faces and yelling and nobody so much as looked up from their worksheets or glanced in his direction.

So, they were in a bit of a situation.

“you can’t ignore me forever!” he yelled, positioning himself between Katsuki and his homework.

The boy huffed putting his eyes anywhere but on Izuku and continuing to work.

“I know you can see me” he added taking the liberty to wiggle around a bit on top of Kacchan’s desk.

Still no eye contact.

Of course, not because when had Kacchan ever made anything easy.

Midoriya huffed.

Of all the people in the world that could see him; and he had to get stuck with this surly asshole who won’t even acknowledge his existence. It was stupid. He wished his mother could see him; or Iida they would at least talk to him. They wouldn’t make him feel like maybe he was crazy- maybe he was just a crazy ghost yelling at a teenage boy who couldn’t hear him at all.

He wished-

He wished he wasn’t fucking dead is what he wished.

But that option was long gone so he settled for wishing that Katsuki would just fucking answer him for once. Because he knew- he knew he had to be able to see him.

He caught him staring- when he though he wasn’t looking.

At spots that would just be blank wall- but never the same spot. Spots that only made sense to stare at because Izuku was there.

He caught him whispering things- under his breath.

Soft reassurances that he was fine- that it was the grief talking. That he wasn’t crazy.

Caught him snickering when he had all but flown through Minatas’s head- still half worried he would get stuck in the stupid grape juice balls the dumb kid had attached to him.

But after all this he still hadn’t believed a single word out of Izuku’s mouth and it was driving him mad.

He flung himself across the room, as dramatically as you can when you don’t really have legs- or arms; or body mass at all.

Just a vague outline of where those used to be.

He had been trying and nothing was getting through to this kid and he was about at his wits end.

He didn’t know what to do anymore- what do you do when you’re dead? You’re supposed to pass on- do something but he was stuck here.

He was stuck here, and he didn’t know how to get back and he didn’t know how to cross over, and he was just- stuck.

With this asshole- and his stupid rap goes country- bullshit CDs that Izuku could hardy understand, and it just made him so angry he could explode- he tried to slam his fist into the cd player willing it with all his might to just die.

He surprised himself when the contact his hand made was solid and the cd player crashed onto the floor.

“what the fuck?” Katsuki yelled “what are you doing you stupid nerd?”

“you can see me!” he had yelled back relishing the fact that he finally got Katsuki to speak to him; even if that hadn’t been the original intent; but hey he wasn’t going to complain.

“of course, I can fucking see you!” he hissed back- “you’re here all the fucking time and I can’t manage to get you to go away! You’re in my room, and following me to class, and hovering over me when I try to do my classwork I can’t even threaten to kill you because you’re supposed to already be dead!”

Katsuki sounded angry but his face betrayed him- it was pale, his normally firm unwavering stance was slightly off kilter and his breathing was uneven.

He was scared.

Izuku had scared him.

He didn’t know if he should feel bad, or laugh.

“you could have at least acknowledged I exist.” Izuku huffed.

“yeah and let everyone think I’m insane? No thank you?” Kacchan brushed him off.

Midoriya thought about it for a moment- deciding that it was fair; at least partially that Kacchan was ignoring him after all they didn’t really want Heroes that talked to their ex classmates long after they were buried. That was just on the wrong side of crazy.

But when they were here- when they were alone and nobody else was around. Well he didn’t see why he had to float around aimlessly when Kacchan could see him. Could talk to him even.

“you could just talk to me when we’re here.” He suggested- and Kacchan’s face twisted in annoyance Midoriya rushed to elaborate before he could say no. “because you’re the only one who knows I exist- and I think If I don’t talk to someone soon I’m going to explode.”

Kacchan said nothing.

But he didn’t look away from him either and Izuku couldn’t help but think that this was a point they wouldn’t come back from and he honestly didn’t know if he was happy about it or not.

“fine.” He finally muttered. “but you have to relax a little at school- you’re really distracting im going to fall behind.”

Izuku considered it a minute and then nodded. It seemed like a fair trade- he would get someone to talk to and all he had to do was be a little less distracting in class. That couldn’t be too hard.

“deal.” He replied- and he felt- happy.

He wasn’t sure what he expected would happen when he died; but he was sure it wasn’t this. He didn’t expect to be floating around as a ghost- he didn’t expect to still feel things so vividly. Like he was still- alive. Everything in life had not prepared him for this and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was somehow doing everything wrong

Because leave it to Izuku Midoriya to not even be able to die properly. Honestly- he could have messed it all up because he didn’t quite remember what happened to begin with.

One minute he was walking down the street; and he heard someone screaming for help- and he rushed down the ally to find a woman drenched in her own blood held against a wall by -someone that he couldn’t quite place. He remembers fighting- vaguely; and he remembers it being harder and harder to breath and then he remembers blacknes.

Dark. And cold- and then nothing.

The next thing he remembers is staring down at himself in a hospital bed- wires hooked up to him everywhere; beeping, and screaming and crying and so many doctors clamoring to fix it.

But- it couldn’t be fixed.

He had struggled for a little while- to figure out what was going on. Because his mother was weeping and begging him to come back and he couldn’t because he was right here.

And she just couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear him.

He would have screamed his throat raw if he could have- because he just wanted to be there. To help her.

Some fucking hero he was.

but this was his life now; or his death- he supposed.

He didn’t really know what to call it because it felt like he was sill living. He still laughed, and cried, and had panic attacks. He still wanted to learn- he still wanted to live.

It didn’t feel, final like death was supposed to feel.

And he still had Kacchan-

He didn’t know if it made it better or worse.

Because sometimes it made him forget that he was- you know.

And sometimes- sometimes that was good and other times it was terrible because he let himself forget and for a minute everything was the same.

He was still pushing himself into spaces that Kacchan didn’t want him in- still making terrible jokes and assessing everything around him. Kacchan was still calling him a stupid nerd- but was asking his opinion a little bit more; because after all he was there when he was training. Watching- so it would have been stupid not to.

And for a little while it would be beautiful- and then he would remember.

Or- he would stop pretending.

And he would realize that nothing was the same at all.

That he wasn’t a student anymore- even though he sat through the classes in the back of the room- and he wasn’t a son because his mother had lost her son and he was just a-

He was just a ghost.

Of a person who used to be a person but was now just-

He didn’t fucking know.

And that’s when it would always hit him.

The panic-

The overwhelming fear that he had no idea what he was doing- or where he was going and he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do because ghosts aren’t supposed to be real. And he wasn’t supposed to be one and he just didn’t know how to stop- being.

The worst part about panic attacks when you’re a ghost- is that you cant breathe to calm yourself down. You just have to let it happen- and remind yourself through the haze of emotions coursing through your non corporeal frame that- the worst that could possibly happen to you.

Has already happened.

And you just have to hope it will go away.

Or at least that’s all he had figured out so far.

Except this time it just wasn’t really working- which was fine; great even because why the hell would he need to be doing anything else other than trying to breathe air into lungs that don’t exist.

And this time was worse- because Kacchan had to walk in right in the thick of it and if Midoroya wasn’t already dead he would have wished he was.

“what’s wrong?” Katsuki asked sounding almost concerned- and Midoriya should have seemed more surprised- but he wasn’t really. Because you don’t spend every waking second with someone and not grow at least a little bit attached to them

Even if you hated them before.

But he couldn’t speak.

He couldn’t find words.

And he just- floated there. Probably looking like a dead fish.

And Katsuki looked confused- and worried.

Midoriya wanted to help him but he was wrapped up in his own panic- wrapped in this preassure- tight and unrelenting and he was fucking drowning in it and he couldn’t come up for air no matter how hard he tried.

“breathe.” Kacchan reminded him.

And wasn’t that just rich.

He laughed- sharp and mocking and a little too full of spite for his liking but there Is something about dying that puts a bit of a damper on ones overwhelming optimism and he coudnt help but be a little jaded.

“I cant fucking breathe” he retorted- still laughing like maybe he had gone mad- he felt a little like he had gone mad because one second everything was crashing around him and the next everything was still crashing but he was laughing and- maybe this is what madness felt like. “im dead.” He finally finished after a good bout of laughter.

Katsuki was staring at him- like he was crazy.

Which was fair- because what teenage boy needs a fucking crazy anxiety ridden ghost of his ex classmate in his bedroom.

But then he was laughing too.

And they were both laughing- and Kacchan’s face had this way of just glowing when he laughed- he almost forgot what that looked like but here they were- and he was fucking laughing- and nothing was okay; and he was dead for gods sakes but- for a minute, it felt like it was all going to turn out alright.

#katsuki bakugou #katsuki x izuku #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #slytherinsinspace #deku midoriya #ghost midoriya #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[MF] Sunday Scaries

The conversation formatting doesnt hold on reddit copy paste, so its much better read thru link

Linking at Top to not spoil the end - hope thats OK!

https://www.casualblasphemy.com/blog/sundayscaries

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Jesus Christ and Other Swear words

Volume II: Anxiety Rainbow

A Slower Burn to Fiery Finish. About 10-15 minutes

Chapter 2, 3 or 7, not sure yet.

Chapter III: Sunday Night Scream Into the Void

I lie (awake) to myself

A feeling of impending doom. So many emails. Existential dread and the Sunday Scaries.

I cannot sleep, it is nearly midnight. I have so much to do this week.

I lie awake and try to think of all the embarrassing things other people have done.

I can't think of any, so I go back to remembering my own social failings.

The time I tripped in front of my Crush age 14. My disastrous bangs of just last year. The time I mispronounced Worcheschertshishire in front of my cute coworker. The 23 blocks I walked with toilet paper stuck to my foot and that afternoon tanning in the park with a tampon string dangling from my bikini bottoms. Everyone remembers. I am sure of it. I farted once on a conference call.

Monday is only a few hours away. So many emails and the dishes sit soaking for a third day. I shouldn't have slept in today. I have so much to do tomorrow. I think about every time i've fucked up in my past 30 years.

My anxiety builds and I try again to refocus my attention. I try to remember all the embarrassing things other people have done, but I literally cannot think of any. I sort of remember one of my friends shitting his pants. Was that the day I walked into the sliding glass door. Do you think he remembers? Oh god, was it me that poped my pants? Oh jeez, i said poped, not pooped. Im talking out loud to myself.

Thank god no one is here.

I feel lonely.

----

I eat a CBD chocolate and feel the anxiety of impending doom. So many emails.

I remember. I remember every embarrassing thing I have done in my entire life. I have so much to do this week. So many emails. I have a meeting tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. That time I was left hanging for a high five with my hand in the air. I looked like Hitler with no friends. It is Sunday and life is Scary. So much to do this week. Were they laughing at me? I feel lonely. No one talked to me today. I feel like the Pluto of my friend group.

I decide to crowdsource some self esteem and climb on Tinder.

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Oh damn this guy is hot.

Damn, 5’10

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Every time I swipe right it's a Match. I feel attractive and desirable

Left

Double ew!

Left

Right

Nothing. What!?

I lower my standards

Right

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing

Sunday Feels Scary Again. I have so much to do tomorrow. I don't want to play the game anymore. I fear rejection from strangers. Kinda horny tho. I survey my matches and read messages:

“Hey”

“Wanna Fuck?”

“Nice weather Today”

“Show me your bobs?”

“Nice Feet”

A profile stands out

Blake

6”2’ “Ive never shoed a horse, but I told a Cow to go home once”

I don't really get it, but he's HOT. That fish he caught is HUGE! I climb out of my comfort zone and message first. I've never done this before

“Hey” she wrote with butterflies

….

…….

………..

18 minutes pass. Nothing.

I go back to swiping unenthusiastically

Right

Nothing.

I feel like a Moth in a world of Butterflies. Undesirable.

OH GOD. I research gravity blankets and take a xanax. I think of Cocoons.

I fall asleep lonely horny disappointed anxious and 8% numb. So many emails. Maybe I can do the dishes tomorrow after work, the gym, and picking up my prescriptions. I shouldn't have messaged him. I need groceries. That time I tripped on the bleachers and Becky laughed at me. I run through the grocery list in my head. Eggs, avocados, kombucha, spinach, Shame, paper towels, CBD chocolates. I feel weird.

------

I survive another week with espresso and antidepressants. It was hard. I am so tired. I am so tired all the time. Its sunday night and I feel The Doom coming again. I batten the hatches and prepare to wait out the emotional storm under the weight of my new Gravity Blanket. Its heavy and sweaty and I regret buying it. My anxiety rises to new highs and I feel like an idiot. Thank god no one is here. I feel lonely.

Ping!

Blake: :Me

“Hey ;) still up?”

I think about unmatching to teach him a lesson for not replying to me last week, but digital or not, I really need this distracting attention.

“Maybe ;) whatcha doing?”

Trying not to think about Monday LOL

LOLOL Same Same. Sunday Scaries :o

LOL I KNOW! Just gotta get through this week,

I am getting a puppy on Friday!

Puppy! What kind!?

A Frenchi :) her name is Luna

OMG NEED!

You have any pets?

Nooooo :(

You can come play with mine!

Cats or Dogs?

YES PLZ! I grew up with dogs :)

What was the name of your first pet?

Daisy :) she was so sweet

Awww, where did you grow up?

Seattle, just moved for a new job

It's hard being in a new city!

Well I can show you around!

What is your job?

Never been to Seattle, were you born there?

Born in Suburbia, lol

a little town nearby called Auburn

I work for a company that has meetings

I have a friend from Auburn!

LoL what do you meet about?

No way!

We meet about other meetings

Yea, did you got to Westside Elementary?

Eastside

Oh nice, her mom was a teacher there

Did you have Mrs. Ellison for 1st grade English?

I don't remember a Mrs. Ellison?

I had a Mr. Gardner

Oh lol. U like cars?

Sort of

I just got a new one :)

What was the make and model of your first car?

Wow! You are having quite the year!

Lol 1994 black honda civic. The dream

You sound like a Capricorn

Virgo!

Oh nice, when is your birthday?

August 24th, 1990

Just got a pic of my puppy, wanna see?

OMG YES

206-390-0345

I like Capricorns ;)

Oh god that sounded desperate

Texted you

Didn't get it!

Tried again

Nothing :(

Lol new phone too, I think its fucked tho

Whats your email, I wanna show you my bb pup!

Lol look at you Mr. New

[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

….

……

……..

Did you send it?

…..

Hello?

Fal Asleep? lol

Ping!

An email arrives to my racing heart. He's so inquisitive! New car and a puppy! I wonder what he does for a living? Such a Gentleman, that was a whole hour of texting and he didn't even ask for nudes. I click the notification but my email won't open.

Please login to continue. I type my password “Daisy123”

Incorrect password/email combination

Please try again

Oh, is it lowercase?

******3

Please Try Again

*****3

Please Try Again

******3

Please Try Again

Ugh im so tired, I can't even type right. I'll leave it for morning

--------

MondayVegan Jessica III sleeps well in dreams of Blake, Frenchi’s and Avocados under the weight of her anti-anxiety gravity blanket. She wakes with a smile and grabs her phone eagerly.

Please Try Again

Vegan Jessica III eats her last free-range Avocado on a piece of whole-wheat gluten-free non-cruelty noGMO carboloaf. Num!

Please Try Again

Fucking Annoying!

I switch over to my work email and begin responding to CC threads as I walk to the train. I meet with my team and we plan our next meeting. We have a great plan to plan.

I get home exhausted. I am so tired. We met for three hours and planned for three more days of planning meetings about meeting plans. I log in to tinder and check my messages. Nothing. I take a xanax and go to sleep. The dishes are molding and i'm out of avocados.

Tuesday

I wake stressed and skip breakfast. I head into work and drink espresso. We meet again to discuss our plan to plan. Everything goes as planned and we adjourn. I get out of work 15 minutes early and swing by CVS Pharmacy for LaCroix and drugs.

Some freak in a fedora oggles my breasts through my oversized sweater. What is he even looking at?

“Hi, yes, prescription pickup for Vegan Jessica III. It should have been called in Monday”

“Sure thing, insurance and ID please. Have a seat, it'll be about 15 minutes”

Pharmacists are just drug baristas, change my mind. I wait 45 minutes for the man in the never-dirtied lab coat to grab a prepackaged bottle of prozac from the wall. I hand him my credit card.

“Im sorry Ma’am, your card was declined, do you have another?”

The word ‘Ma’am’ turns three of my pubic hairs grey. It makes me kind of miss that creep in the fedora surveying my body.

Are you sure? Can you try again

Yes ma’am, the card is declined. Do you have another Ma’am?

Ma’am

Can you try calling them? I left my debit at home and don't have any cash.

I glance at my Fitbit. The time is 6:01pm

Its after 6pm Ma’am, you'll have to wait till tomorrow.

I leave the CVS and the pharmacists spends the next 30 minutes placing the bottle of pills back on the shelf.

----

I go home feeling frustrated. I skip the mailbox, dishes, dustbunnies and head straight for my bed. I pull the gravity blanket over my head like a ghost and feel a little better. I eat a half a pound of CBD chocolate and feel much better.

I log into Tinder. Fucking Blake ghosted. Unmatched. Under my blanket I get scared of ghosts and eat another ¼ pound of CBD chocolate.

Wednesday

I wake feeling like shit. I don't know why. I feel stressed. I call in sick to work and take a xanax and go back to bed. I awake to a phonecall from an unknown number. Fucking spamassrobocalls. I scream FUCK YOU to 1s and 0s. There's a panic rising in my throat.

I haven't checked my personal email in days now and try to log back in. I click password recovery and an email is sent to my old college email | [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). Ugh I can't believe I used to eat honey and drink milk with my coffee; I feel ashamed of my former self. It feels like a Sunday, but it's only wednesday.

I try to login to my old college email to recover my password for my post-college email.

I try to remember my old password

Please Try again

I try all my old combinations

Please Try again

Lockout timer 29:59..

29:58….

29:57….

Ugh I hate this shit.

Trying to recover a password to recover a password. Did I type it wrong? Was it capitalized? Am I just not remembering it right? Was the ‘I’ a “!” ?? Was there 123 at the end, or maybe beginning?

I need to set my passwords to things I can never forget. Maybe take a lesson from Sunday. Shame and Trauma seem to make for fantastic passwords.

MyFatherAbandonedOurFamilyIn1997!

That's not something im likely to forget

I spend the next 29 minutes finally doing the dishes and feel a little better.

Please Try again

Lockout timer 59:59

FUCK

I hate this shit. I click the password recovery button on my college email and a third is sent to my very first email address. [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

I go to AOL.com and try to login

Please Try again

It feels like im opening those Russian Dolls. Every time I open one, another is there. The Russian Nesting Dolls of Digital Frustration. Please Try Again Later.

Recover the password

to recover the password

Please Try Again

I channel my frustration and hit the gym. Pilates class with Pontious. I stop on the way home and Scream into the Void. I feel a little better.

I check the mailbox before the stairs.

I turn the key and an avalanche spills out. Envelope after envelope, it seems unending. They just keep coming. The cascade flow dries to a dribble and I reach inside to scoop the rest of my mail out.

My arms are full of dead trees and I feel sad. Plus its like super heavy after an hour of cross planking. I ascend the stairs and unlock the door with my keys in my mouth. I push the door open with my forehead and dump the heavy mess of envelopes and magazines on the floor.

A Victoria Secret catalogue catches my eye. I make a mental note of my despise for their company message and start perusing the pages. What kind of image are they putting in the heads of young girls. False standards of beauty. Where are the real women! That bra is like super cute tho. I order three in different colors but my card is declined. The bras never come, its ok tho, they wouldn't have fit me anyway.

When my card is declined I think of Blake’s rejection again. Ghosted. What an asshole. Whatever he's probably just another pig who gets off to Victoria Secret models and supports an impossible standard of beauty. I am now convinced Victoria’s real Secret is mainstream distribution of introductory pornography to young boys in suburbia. That's a big mental leap to take from subquality prethought, but I think it's important to note where some of these idolized false standards of beauty start. They start with aging young Mother’s ordering VS products and catalogs to catch renewed interest from their lazily inattentive husbands and trickledown pornoEconomics recycles the catalogs to prepubescent boys. Hidden and stolen, they are a prime middle-school currency. The image of Desire becomes fixed in pubescent development and the path upscycles again.

I throw the catalog away disgusted and pick up my copy of the much more realistic Vogue. I eat more CBD chocolate and forget to call my credit card company. I fall asleep with fragrant advertisements and two miles of photoshop-smoothed Gigi Hadid legs on my face.

Friday

It's a beautiful morning and i'm feeling rested. I don't know what happened to Thursday. We have a brief meeting about next week's meeting and are dismissed early. Summer Fridays are the best! I meet up with my besties and we dress up to impossible standards of beauty.

Thin pink straps patterned with “VS VS VS” loop my shoulders out of my strapless black dress. Clash is in. I think it looks cute even tho the bra doesn't fit well. I lace up my gladiator platform cork wedges and we head out for a night of dancing.

I dance next to my ugliest friend and bask in double attention.

Buy you a Drink?

Wanna Dance?

Ever Ride a Motorcycle?

All eyes on me. I dance and twirl and snort the night away. This cocaine is fantastic. My credit card still doesn't work so I have boys buy me drinks. I black out a bit and wake up in my Uber home. Its light out and the birds won't shut up about the stupid sun. My heart is beating arhythmically and I feel weird. A feeling of impending doom is brewing and it makes me feel weirder - it's not even Sunday.

I sober up a bit, but can't sleep. I decide to finish the vial of cocaine I took from that boy and do some housekeeping.

I take the trash out and open my computer. I feel inspired to clean and conquer.

I will recover my password!

I see a button for ‘alternate recovery options’ on my ancient @aol email and click

A series of questions challenge my identity

“Date of Birth”

August 24th, 1990

“What was the name of your first Pet?”

Daisy

“What was the name of your 1st grade English Teacher?

Mr. Gardner

“What City Were you Born in?”

Auburn

“What was the Make and Model of your First Car?”

1994 Black Honda Civic

And just like that I'm in! I recover my password and recover my password and recover my password.

The russian dolls reassemble and my anxiety plummets

--------

----

---

Until I open Gmail to a Nightmare

The realization grips me. The Saturday Scaries are Real. I spring to the 4 foot foyer of my apartment where the non-fashion-catalog remainder of my mail avalanche sits piled like rubble.

I rifle through envelopes and cut my finger. It really stings. I suckle a droplet of blood and read the envelopes

Bills. Bills of all kinds. Bills of all shapes and sizes. Bills Not mine, but mine. An acre of rainforest in bills.

My iphone rings and my phone wont open. Panic Panic Panic. Saturday Scaries. I pull my bleeding finger from my mouth and the iphone recognizes my face. I answer the call

“Ma’am i'm calling from TransUnion Credit Reporting, we've seen some unusual activity on your report this week, can you confirm opening the following 227 Credit Cards on Sunday between the hours of 11pm and 4am Monday Morning?”

(This phone call 97% actually happened)

My vision spots and I hit the floor.

___

I awake Sunday. My head is throbbing and my finger hurts. I look at the papercut and it stares back with green eyes. It smells like Almond Butter, but the gross GMO kind. I put CBD oil on it and leave the house.

I head to the hospital, but my credit card is declined. My finger is green to the knuckle and it definitely feels like a Sunday.

I head home and curl up in my bed. With my green arm I pull the gravity blanket over my head and cry. I fall asleep feeling scared and not safe.

I wake to pain. The green has spread throughout my whole body. I feel weak. I need to go to work. So many emails.

I feel The DOOM

I try to lift the gravity blanket, but I am weak and it is too heavy.

The longer I stay, the weaker I become. Days pass and I miss meeting after meeting. I sweat profusely trapped inside a cocoon of anxiety. Unseen emails pile up and add to the weight. My phone is out of battery and I can't reach past the blanket for my charger. I need water. I really need water.

I feel The DOOM

I think of blood poisoning and my plummeting credit scoreThe Chrysalis hardens to reject the outside world

It becomes my Tomb. I feel safe here.

Immune to Anxiety

No emails, no meetings.

The DOOM fades to black and so do I.

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