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yumenosakiacademy · 4 months

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the thing is, the whole thing w kanata being corrupted n every1 singing kumbayah n some1's words n illusion saving him mightve been slightly better n made more sense n been more satisfying (ALONGSIDE a proper ending w nayuta, i mean. this entire thing was rancid, mind u) if it jus wasnt ALLEN 2 b the 1 who dealt the final words tht broke him out of it, but rather SHIKI instead. we saw it w shiki's words abt nayuta affecting him the most 2 the point where it was at tht point tht kanata actually started his process of snapping out of the rampage bc he was reminded of the memory of his brother n jus how much nayuta loved him n he loved nayuta in return.

n it makes SENSE. bc who was ONLY OTHER PERSON close 2 nayuta? who actually Knew nayuta n can understand the grief kanatas going thru but also knows how much kanata means/meant 2 nayuta 2 the point tht nayuta wouldnt want kanata 2 do this 2 himself over him? SHIKI. SHIKI ANDO.

allen's speech was a thing in "LIVE", i get tht, but u kno what kanata's actual response was? "WHAT DO U KNO ABT US? JUS BC WE BATTLED ON STAGE A FEW TIMES? SHUT THE F**K UP! GET OUT! I SAID GET OUT!" [paraphrased] n while shiki didnt kno kanata, he knew nayuta. n he knew how much kanata meant 2 nayuta n their bond. which is the important bit here.

allen was an outsider 2 all this. he didnt kno nayuta. he barely knows kanata. n even in the anime, the bond he had w kanata was surface-lvl, whereas shiki's trauma involving nayuta was Well delved in2. allen was mostly fixated on cozmez as a unit n their music tht he adores (w there being the selfish aspect of him not liking tht kanata threw away the buraikan battle, in the drama tracks, but..), so much so tht its a focal point at the beginning part of his speech,

but w shiki, instead he cares abt the twins thru having been the best friend of 1 of them. he cares/cared abt nayuta, same as kanata. n he doesnt want 2 see the beloved twin brother tht his friend loved so dearly, so so dearly, 2 go thru this. 2 throw himself away over smth he had no control over. over a devastating event tht he himself had 2 witness.

it wouldve made SO much sense 4 shiki 2 say the final meaningful words, kanata 2 hav his flashback moment, n then shiki reassure kanata tht he understands, but nayuta wouldnt want him 2 do this n nayuta is still in both of their hearts but despite their grief despite their loss despite what the phantometal has taken from them, kanata has him n they can talk out their grief 2gethr, n the other paralive members or even jus the rest of tcw (shiki doesnt kno abt kanata's involvement w akyr [or rather, iori n zen] so he cant rly speak abt them) will also b there 4 him. he knows the feelings of grief well- he's had 2 deal w it this whole time after all. he mourns nayuta too. n while he didnt hav their even-closer n twinly bond over yrs n yrs n while he didnt hav the shock of the illusion n his reality shattering n such, he still knows the pain of the grief so SO well. he sees nayuta's body falling in his nightmares. in his every waking moment. hes so sry. hes so Guilty. but he's had tcw as a safety net 2 help him feel better, even if they dont kno what plagues him. whereas kanata, in this moment, has no1. but he could be tht safety net 4 him. n he knows whats plaguing kanata bc it plagues him 2. n while it's ok 2 grieve, he shouldnt let him destroy him like this.

so after saying tht, n releasing an illusion w his rosary, n kanata realizing n snapping out of it as shiki's illusionary fog wraps around him like a hug of understanding (not as flashy n visually striking as allen's inspiring blazing phoenix 2 spark a flame in his heart, but it's smth deeply profound when u would take all other things in consideration) n drifting down out of his rampage... shiki hugs him (w all the other members in the bg, like the original ep 12) w tears in his eyes n kanata blinking tears out of his own w the quiet promise between the 2 tht they can process this 2gethr. they can remember nayuta 2gethr. it will take time, but they hav each other n any of the other paralive members, should he need it. (then of course, if theydve made more TIME they couldve gone w the rest of "LIVE" n had nayuta reunite w them n such n it couldve come full circle! made sense done tada! n it wouldnve also given us a cozmez reunion n nayuta coming back n the importance of tht plot bit but alas :I)

#paradox live #paradox live spoilers #long post #kanata yatonokami #nayuta yatonokami #shiki ando #THANK U 4 COMING 2 MY TEDTALK!! THEY ALL DESERVED BETTER N ALLEN WAS GIVEN PROTAG SYNDROME N DUMB SHIPBAIT MWAH #aliceorguilty.txt

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allgoldenelite · 2 months

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Talk Jay white to me :)

i'm gonna put julia hart in here too since you asked about her as well.

jay: have loved him ever since his debut. i thought he was a bit rough around the edges when he first got thrown into all these high profile matchups, but thats only natural lol he was literally a child. i think lots of ppl perked up tho after him vs kenny in sapporo. i was a bit disappointed they didnt do more with the history between him and hanger, kenny and ibushi for wembley but there was a lot of negative stuff going on at the time so w/e.

i love him a lot but id have to say that i have cooled down on him a bit cause im not watching aew rn and there really isnt any other way to perceive him, sadly. i know the gang gang scissor ass bang or whatever is immensely popular and i did like some of the stuff i was sent by friends but i gotta say im a little bit over it just by consuming from afar lol so next i would love for him to get into a grimy nasty t i g h t feud with someone swerve someone and really bring back the rat (like during the time he was chasing after ibushi like he wanted him to [redacted] him sm that [redacted])

hes still for some reason kinda an underrated wrestler who does lots of small things in the ring i appreciate but that dont necessarily stand out so ppl dont really pick up on it a lot. hes not very flashy, i suppose (in the in-ring sense; hes very loud otherwise lol). i think he really stepped up like kenny said and grew into his own, and thats not as easy to do as ppl sometimes say it is. i hold a lot of his matches in high regard, especially him vs ibushi g1 finals, that match is immortal to me and one of my fav matches of all time, ever.

julia: i was extremely meh on her when she started out, the cheerleading stuff just didnt appeal to me even if i can agree that its athletically impressive. whoever trained her tho did a really good job, there are a lot of areas that you can tell she really did her homework in and improved a lot. i think joining hob was the best thing that could ever have happened to her. i said this before somewhere else but i absolutely do NOT get what anyone (tk cough) was smoking to say she shouldve stayed with the varsity blondes, that wouldve been the death of her character 💀 i love her father daughter relationship with the hob guys out of kayfabe and in kayfabe she has some of the coolest gear and entrances.

i really liked her match against kris for the title and i wish it couldve been a little bit longer but i still felt they did everything in their power to get over in those 8? 9? minutes. julias turnbuckle jumpscare is probably my favorite thing about her.

other than that i sadly dont have much of an opinion on her bc, again, i dont watch aew, so if shes done something cool lately sorry folks 🤷 (i did see her gay entrance with skye? iirc, so that was 👌)

#rasslin #/joesays #/joeanswers

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imsickenedbutcurious · 9 months

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Now that we're getting into the final season of Bleach, and that Ichigo's heritage has been revealed as well as the truth regarding Zangetsu, I just wonna say how kinda disappointed I am with how the villains often treat Ichigo.

I love the story, don't get me wrong. But man, haven't you wondered what would've happened if Aizen didn't just watch Ichigo like some scientific specimen? His zanpakuto is uniquely powerful and he orchestrated it perfectly to paint the illusion that its something else entirely; he literally fooled the entire Soul Society AND Ichigo. The boy, is immensely powerful and dangerous teenager that Aizen had known about for a very long time was right there, weak, wounded, and confused, with the Soul Society crumbled and in disarray and he did.... nothing.

What wouldve happened if Aizen had actually taken him? Granted he was weaker in comparison to now, but can you imagine the absolute shit storm that would've occurred had he put him under the influence of Suigetsu and escaped to Hueco Mundo? If he'd done so while the Soul Society was still in chaos and confused about his supposed death? This man would've had Ichigo AND with the Hogyoku and he just stopped at having a flashy entrance and stopping Ichigo's main theme and fucking off.

And then the exact same happens with Yhwach. Yhwach KNEW about Ichigo, albeit arguably not as much as Aizen, but he still knew enough to purposely isolate Ichigo in Hueco Mundo before attacking Soul Society. Yhwach knew just how powerful and dangerous Ichigo is-can be- and had even planned on forcibly taking him back.

Granted, they ran out of time, but still imagine. Imagine if Yhwach actually succeeded where Aizen didn't.

I'm sorry but there's been so many instances where this dumbass kid couldn't been abducted and brainwashed to fight for the enemy and he's narrowly avoided it and I've just been thinking about Wandenreich Ichigo fighting against his friends

#im open ro opinions tbh this is just my general thoughts #its not meant to be anything serious #bleach #text #thousand year blood war arc #ichigo kurosaki #sosuke aizen #bleach yhwach

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unlimitedhorsepower · 1 year

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ive been thinking about it a lot lately and genuinely think blue golden shouldve won KOH in t&b2 because karina has tied for KOH with keith earlier in peripheral material... its been confirmed that karina has been the queen of heroes...

and while nathan isnt a bad hero of course, her best ranking is 3rd and shes been 5th and 6th, and she has a different job as well. meanwhile one of ryans only talents is being a hero like for real lmao, a guy with no talent except being loud about himself and hyping himself up... but at least he genuinely is a good hero too, we saw that in the rising, hes great at team work as well!

karinas and ryans teamwork is mostly “separate” because their powers stack, kind of. their combo attack in the fight against mugan and fugan was basically crushing a guy into unconsciousness fgdhgfhd. its also not as flashy as wind + fire because they both mostly make things Stop, especially ryan

either way, keith winning adds nothing to his character because thats whats expected of him! now, losing the 1st buddy hero KOH wouldve introduced something interesting to his character because he definitely wouldve been sad that hes “let people down” like when he lost to barnaby. nathan getting 2nd place wouldve been her highest ranking and it wouldve meant a lot to her even if its not KOH!

and for karina, winning KOH wouldve been EVERYTHING. seriously, karina is never acknowledged as a good hero in the series proper, even if she is, and its mostly in the peripheral materials. she works just as hard as keith in her own way, and shes living a double life!

the manga also showed us that ryan is kind of out of options as far as hero jobs go right now, sternbild is his last chance, and he likes the place, and that he “will do anything for them to become number one!” because he wants to make this buddy heroes thing work...

ryan can be lazy and insufferable but having him contribute to winning KOH wouldve showed that hes willing to put in effort for his buddy hero (even if he failed in the we-thinking part, that WE will do our best to become number one)

theres no reason blue golden wouldnt have been able to win KOH as well! in fact i think they shouldve because of what it wouldve meant for karina in-character and her narrative... it feels like shes always sidelined and her potential is squandered and shes not allowed to be cool and succeed!

instead we got another plotline about her crush?! come on

#tiger and bunny #blue golden #karina lyle

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azusaluvclub · 2 years

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my all out!! ships ... the masterpost you didnt ask for

im gonna keep this short and sweet and say that i have 0 explanation or defense for any of these , but goddAMN did i grasp at straws to make em make sense . having ao!! as my hyperfixation for half a year has had some harrowing results tbh

if im not alone in these pls let me know or smth :D otherwise enjoy (or dont)

goshozome + hirota ;;;

⋆ .. all of these are rarepairs tbh

⋆ gosho notices hirota first, whenever they go to watch jinkou play against tenjiku ! rlly admires his strength on the field and finds himself wanting to get to know him lol

⋆ is the one to initiate their first convo after a practice game together and hirota thinks hes an absolute pest- reminds him too much of the flashy, pretty boy types in dramas, but waaayyyy more charismatic (and actually nice lbr)

⋆ gosho probably gets hirotas number from kamo afterwards (thx kamo ...) and messages him that night w some goofy lil "hello ! (^０^)ノ" and hirota is just left wondering .. “who tf ..."

⋆ once he figures out its goshozome, he decides that hes even MORE of a pest- still replies to him tho ?? he rolls his eyes about it but he cant help but find him amusing ; its not long before hes looking forward to their chats :D

⋆ over time they start to talk more and while they dont have the most in common personality-wise, they find that they have similar likes and hobbies (aside from rugby ofc) that they can talk about for hours- even their differences and separate interests make for good conversations !

⋆ the first time they get together is probably to do smth a bit more fun as per goshos suggestion, like bowling (naturally, seeing as hirota is a bowling god), mini golf, or even ice skating- smth that gets em out, but where they can still chill and talk afterwards !

⋆ also, most places like that provide snacks + appetizers 2 share soooo ;))) while its not exactly a "date", its definitely a place to start

⋆ in all of this though, hirota ends up learning a lot more about gosho and that, in spite of whatever misconceptions he had about him, he really just wanted to be friends- and honestly ? this makes hirota feel rlly fuzzy deep down :( not that he admits it, coward

⋆ them actually getting together though is definitely a gradual thing . i feel like goshozome wouldve realized early on that he didnt want just a friendship with hirota, but it took hirota much longer to figure out that his own feelings werent totally platonic lol- its not until wellll into their college years that they decide to give dating a try :))

⋆ their friends were not surprised when they started dating ; probably more surprised w how long it took . esp kamo, who def caught the pair making goo-goo eyes at each other like a bajillion times before they made it official- hirota may have thought he was being lowkey about it, but gosho wasnt even trying tbh-

⋆ overall they have a really sweet relationship :(( i see gosho as the type of boyfriend who can be a lil overbearing in his affection (though it comes from the heart ofc, he just doesnt like being discreet about the person he loves imo), so hes always reminding hirota of the million and one reasons he loves him, gifting him things, taking him places, etc, and while hirota doesnt mind be flattered like that, he never really gets used to it either lmao- gosho calms down about it when theyve been together longer and the newness wears off a bit lmao

⋆ hirota, on the other hand, is a bit more subtle about that sort of thing :)) its the little things that goshozome loves tho ! hirota cooking him his favorite meal (goshos canon type is good cooks so I MEANNNN...), giving him something that reminded him of gosho, or simply saying “i love you” is enough to make him melt- knowing that hes appreciated and thought of like that will never fail to make him absolutely weak smh

⋆ but yeah, theyre just really happy together :((

⋆ to add some more fun lil things ,, hirota has a fascination w goshozomes hair tbh . loves running his fingers thru it when theyre cuddling and such (seriously wants to know what product he uses to get it so ... soft..)

⋆ whenever they get into petty arguments , hirota will 9/10 times threaten to turn goshos bird into stew ,, or fried parakeet ,,

⋆ in spite of this he actually does find pete (???? i think thats its name but dont ask me ..,) super cute :( 100% supportive if/whenever gosho wants expand the family lol, once theyve settled down

⋆ once they get older and have the funds for it, i think itd be cute if they opened their own lil restaurant together ! its mainly hirotas since it was probably his dream from the start, but gosho helps out a lot with it — be it helping in the kitchen, w the decorating and such, or the actual hosting/waitering part, hes in it with hirota 100% :))

⋆ i see them as both being pretty family-oriented ppl, so they definitely keep close with each others families + they all get along p well ! i like to think that, w them both being older brothers, their lil bros are relatively around the same age and so they hang out a lot during family get-togethers and such- whether they actually get along or not ? wellll u can decide lmao

adachigahara + takebe .

⋆ chaos x chaos enabler .

⋆ likely started talking during a post-match function, probably after rugby nationals and shit- takebes bffs w marodo + i like to think noka + sumi are a lil friend group w them, and i feel like theyre the cluster of personalities that adachi would fit right in with (would he want to tho ...), so it made sense for them to start mingling lol

⋆ how the two started talking outside of rugby stuff ?? BEYOND me . for the sake of this it doesnt matter, but i dont think it was long into them talking + developing interest before they decided to go on a date lol

⋆ their first date is probably at an amusement park ! maybe a lil cliche but i think theyre both fun-loving people so it seemed like a good idea lol

⋆ try going on a few of the rides, but adachi gets queasy every . single . time . so by the fourth ride they agree to just play the different games instead (which is fine, bc adachi was looking foward to that part anyways-)

⋆ adachi keeps trying to win the stuffed animal prizes to add to his collection but loses p much every time- takebe offers to try his luck, and gets it in one go :D (and gets stuck carrying their loot the rest of the day lol) ends up winning some big, light blue cat plushie that permanently resides in adachis bed :)))

⋆ venture into a haunted house attraction and take turns screaming + clinging to each other when they get scared- adachigahara tried playing it off like he wasnt scared at first but ,, neither of them would be that good with spooky stuff lbr :’)

⋆ end off the date by sharing a giant ass sundae at one of the food stalls <3

⋆ after a few months of flirting around and going out, they actually put a label on things :D nobody was expecting it other than the people closest to them, mainly because they are so ... different, per se ? but theyre happy together so their friends are happy for them ofc

⋆ takebe was definitely drawn to adachi for his personality :)) but can you really blame him ? hed be fun as hell to be around ; even if they arent doing anything in particular, takebe will still find himself entertained by whatever ramble adachi decides to go on about- (at this point takebe knows 90% of the sagami gossip lol)

⋆ (also, not that it matters buttttt ... takebes type is literally “black hair in a bob” and like . how else would u describe adachigaharas hair ? lmao do what this info what you will)

⋆ for adachi, i think hed really like the more passionate/ambitious + bolder sides of takebe, once he gets a chance to see them lol :,) esp since he seems p simple on the surface- (tho i feel like theyre both passionate people, just about different things- takebe mostly about his goals and such, while adachi is just passionate about everything smh) adachi is takebes #1 supporter tho :D

⋆ definitely the type of couple to be matchy-matchy w things ! matching keychains, mugs, accessories, blah blah blahhhh

⋆ because he knows goshozome, adachi has gotten a ton of hair tips and products to pass onto takebe :D probably the only cure to his insane bedhead atp

⋆ spend a lot of their bonding time just doing silly shit, but its some of their favorite moments shared :( be it watching some ridiculous show on tv, doing shitty karaoke in their living room or tripping over each other playing just dance, or indulging in some self-care, they have a lot of fun together </3

—

to summarize , these are the only two ships i really had a lot to say about :D but if u want me to be real i have like . a shit ton more that linger in my brain as cute concepts (kokuto + marodo,,,, for example,,,) but idk how to make them work logically LMAOOOO so yeah . one day perhaps .... i will speak em into existence ..........

but !!! if anyone reads this pls let me knwo about your own rarepairs or ao!! ships in general ! or any general headcanons ,, idc honestly , im just open to any convo about ao!! atp lmaoooooo soooo :D hmu bitches

#all out!!#ao!!#ao!! headcanons #this is the rawest realest most honest i will ever fucking be on this app #goshozome yoichi #hirota eiichi #adachigahara shota #takebe tomomichi

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taehyungfirst · 9 months

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HII AGAIN i did watch rainy days! (istg it's so annoying that it's only at 11M rn wtf army?? i thought it would be more popular than love me again because even i found out abt the mv's early like 5 minutes after it was released... and like armys in different timezones might've received teh news later or smth idk idk i think they should've promoted more tbh and announced the news a little while before the release date so armys could've been more prepared.) as to how it's doing on the charts... idk man. it's just a lil depressing at the moment. i feel like we as a fandom, like considering how big and coordinated we are, could've contributed more. and the fact that they released it on yt first was.. idk. you can't use playlists on yt for the first 24h i think? and streaming is kinda frustrating because you have to be online and keep watching other videos in between and other stuff so it doesn't get counted as bot behavior. and i feel like some army aren't really interested anymore in non-ot7 content? ANYWAY. the MVs were sooo different to me in a such a good way i loved it. love me again with the warm golden tones and rainy days with the cool, moody palette (someone said that it's in blues and yellows and greys because those are the colors that dogs see, and that the mv is kinda shown through the eyes of yeontan, watching tae!). also, love me again has tae performing, and it's all so pretty that you don't even mind that there's nothing, idk, like cinematic? going on. i mean, that he's only standing and singing (my fav part so far is the pre-chorus, starting w "Fine, I will be honest with you"). cause the vocals, visuals, setting, vibe, outfit, etc everything just goes together so pleasingly and you can just focus on that and let loose. it's lovely on the eyes.

and then there's rainy days. to me, it's something that i can watch again and again for the details. it's visually attractive to me-- i love rain, i love 'gloomy' weather. the set has got an idk a kinda futuristic or sci-fi vibe to it, i like how unique it looks. and then you have tae just moving around, yearning, making some art (vante!!!) and just being very boyfie in general (that moment where he's lying in bed and smiling? asdhshfdjfhjkflhdsjf). at first, i liked love me again way more than rainy days but now it's really sneaked up on me and taken me by surprise lol. i went out today and i was craving it (i didn't have it downloaded so i had to wait to go home and listen to ;-;). so. i have a lot to say ofc ofc but it's getting kinda late so i should probably go to bed lol. -prev anon ⭐(https://www.tumblr.com/taehyungfirst/725456734868684800/i-freaked-out-bby-istg-it-was-so-good-like-the-mv?source=share)

hello ⭐️!

i think rainy days got low views because people are focusing on lma more, but i do agree with you i also thought that rainy days wouldve done better but even the streams for lma are higher 😭 i mean lma is a MASTERPIECE so i get it

regarding streams, the lack of teasers and build-up and the fact that it was a surprise drop really influenced everything, we’re doing our best but usa armys are not even trying rn like my tl is full of people asking for BUYERS because we have funds but not buyers and that’s crazy also it fell off us spotify yesterday yeah just kind of a mess… i hope they will be more prepared for september 8 and read guidelines, they’re lucky because they can use pandora too which is good for streams bc it got low filtering rates and it counts towards charts too

the mvs were so perfect anon 😭😭 i genuinely loved them both and the amount of details and interpretations of people (like saying that taehyung is dressed in flashy gold and red because he wants to be seen by his lover again… just beautiful) are so fun to spot and read! i’m so happy taehyung chose to create a visual album because it’s the perfect choice for him and for his art… can’t wait for the other mvs

also!! i actually thought i preferred rainy days more but then at random times i find myself singing “lost without you baaaby”… i can’t choose i fear

#thank you for sharing your thoughts it’s always a pleasure to read #ask

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glassroo · 1 year

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-ooh, followup to green eyes auburn hair- maybe she could have hazel eyes or some sort of heterochromia with two of the eye colors you like!

thats an idea!!! and honestly i reckon i wouldve gone with it, had there not been characters with heterochromia already in the series (loboto and zilch). also personally, when designing a character, im afraid to overload them with too many "unique" features, especially if theyre not meant to look excessively flashy or silly.

speaking on our girl specifically, as a protagonist she should stand out from the other characters, but not so much as to look completely out of place. i feel Raz's design accomplishes this well, as his overall appearance and style of dress is fairly normal in comparison to the rest of the cast in both games....save for his goofy circus helmet and massive red goggles, which i would argue is his stand out feature.

i do want to add some sort of headpiece to our girl, whether it be raz's helmet or another headpiece im not sure yet...but i do want her to have eyewear of some kind, for the cool glowy eye effect when she enters a mind 😵‍💫

#anon #ive thought out this psychonauts 3 plot a lot more than people think #im honestly afraid to share it tho in case it comes off as some sort of crack fanfic nonsense #i wanna get some designs drawn up to have it feel more *real* before i share it #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #psychonauts oc

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forbiddennhoney · 2 years

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LMAO yknow processing the abuse you went through as a child is already weird, but then add grieving a parent who most definitely caused harm to you but also died when you were 20 in an extremely traumatic way when you were just barely starting to repair your relationship into the mix and its even fuckin weirder.

example: my sister sent me a screenshot of a facebook memory of my mom being like “i love my kids and this gift they made me for mothers day earlier this year” and, for context, the gift is a jar of hand written notes on why we loved her. my sister made us all do it and her and my brother came up with reasons pretty fast. i think i put maybe 3 notes in there (and i actually still have one of them!) and the notes i wrote all seem normal on the surface but i remember struggling REALLY hard to come up with those 3 reasons i loved her and the one i actually still have is “i love you because you almost died so i could live”. except i remember actually Not loving her for that. I actually hated htat she did that because i guarantee my birth was traumatic but i was put into this position by everyone who heard the story of i Had to be good and do every last thing she said or i was terrible and ungrateful ebcause she almost died. and i remember feeling so red, so hot, so angry that i was being forced to write this for a mother’s day gift that i initially wrote a long note saying how i didnt love her and i didnt love that story and i wish she wouldve aborted me like the doctors told her to - and of course i do love her and i acknowledge now the “i dont love you” was a product of feeling coerced and triggered. but in that moment i Didnt love her - or myself for that matter. but anyways, i then ripped off a piece of the paper from that stickynote that i wrote those horrible sentences on and then wrote that shitty one liner. i felt nauseous doing it too. and when she inevitably opened mine i knew - because we got into an argument again over me not doing what she wanted me to with my life (which i actually still was! i was going to the college she begged me to go to instead of my dream one, i was living on campus but still went home almost daily bc she guilted me into it regularly, i was majoring in the major she wanted me to even tho i wanted to change my major to a similar but less flashy one - i wasnt even out yet)

idk its just so weird seeing my sister almost crying over that because i see that jar and those notes and i feel rage and discomfort. its a weird reminder we are grieving in such different ways bc yes, we were both mistreated by our dad growing up. but she had our mom close to her. even if it was unhealthy at times she could confide in her and trusted her. i didnt really. my grief related to my mom not only encompasses the fact that like she’s dead but is also grief over the relationship we may have had because i never Got a normal relationship with her. its grief over the fact that she got sick and died right after we started finally trying to repair our relationship. its grief because when she got sick everyone got loving messages and was told she was proud of them and i was told to watch my back and was warned i was likely going to be homeless bc my father had been wanting to kick me out since i was 14. its grief in that i didnt really have family the way the rest of them did and still do.

#personal #trauma processing

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