#the feeling of self directed kindness

[firstfullmoon]

Megan Denton Ray, from “A Recovery Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics”

#w #poetry #a softer kind of life #the feeling of self directed kindness

[yoruiichii]

and another thing about qijiu is like -

anytime shen (jiu) qingqiu gets into an "altercation" its like:

yqy, thinking: what happened? i need to know from him what happened so i can protect him from the consequences, no matter what it was and no matter how much he might be blamed. and what would have happened if i wasn't there to do so? before, he paid the price for things that were my fault, and last time i left him- (guilt spiral, etc.)

yqy aloud: what did you do?

shen jiu, hearing this, thinking: he thinks i'd do that? how low is his opinion of me really? does he truly think there are no depths to which i wouldn't sink? and i thought it couldn't be lower. so quick to blame me and ignore anyone else's part in this. so quick to distance himself from his sordid past.

shen jiu, aloud: i'm sure it makes no difference to you.

choose your fighter: yqy's unconditional devotion and inability to communicate vs. shen jiu's self-loathing making him interpret it as disinterest and blame (and also his inability to communicate)

#svsss #shen jiu #yue qingyuan #qijiu #and the worst (best) part of this all is that if they could actually have a conversation where they communicate this #shen jiu would probably be really into the unconditional devotion thing #for someone who feels so isolated and unloved #to be told no matter how deep a hole he finds himself in or how he got there yqy will still care is like. a fundamental change in worldview #(though i think sj's self-loathing might first lead him to think that there SHOULD be conditions to caring about him) #(which ofc leads to more 79 conflict) #and weve also seen that generally if sj orders him to not do something yqy follows that directive #so this could work out so well #BUT because 79 is 79 this is basically impossible #if they actually had a conversation about this it would be more like #yqy: i want to know from qingqiu what happened. #sj: so you think i'm the kind of person that would do all of this? is your opinion of me that low? #yqy: no! what shidi has done doesn't matter #sj: it doesn't matter? i see. #sj: sect leader must act as censure for the entire sect. perhaps he might speak to the other involved party next time. #yqy: ...this one has failed you. #and then sj leaves the conversation thinking yqy's a liar and a hypocrite #and yqy leaves subsumed in even more guilt #and then when yqy changes his behavior and doesnt ask/blame sj immediately after an incident #sj is like: oh. he doesn't care? he's given up? he's really distancing himself now. #[rattles the bars of my cage] 79 MAKE ME INSANE #miscommunication as the basis for conflict can be annoying but 79 does it perfectly #as the miscommunication is based on differing inherent ways of understanding/interacting with others #and can absolutely not be solved in a single conversation #anyways sorry for the tags being longer than the actual post

[theloveinc]

Shinsou had a crush on you since like, young kids days and never thought you noticed him, but that was good cause maybe you thought he was a weird kid, so once he beefed up and finally got the confidence to talk to you it gets shut right tf back down when you're like "Of course i remember you!"

I don't know which part is worse............................ Shinso being so absorbed in his own supposed loser-hood in his youth that he essentially ignored you for 5-10 years while he was working out his self esteem issues ... or the fact that you not only DO remember him, berry well at that, but don't really think anything of it because you thought HE was kinda... a jerk for never being nice to you back.

(Cuz on one hand, you're so sweet, smiling at him when he approaches you, genuinely, just like you did back when you were both under ten and you'd smile at him from the other side of the park... but on the other hand, you don't hesitate to turn right back to your own friends after he barely manages to answer your "how have you been" question and you give him pity eyes like you still think he's a shy headass.

It's just... he doesn't want to fuck it up a second time and lose his momentum... but all the confidence he put into the moment deflated the second he realized you were even more beautiful and more kind than he remembered you and it got him tripping over his words)

ANYWAY then there's another 2-4 months of him trying to get your number just to be a fool over text before even managing to convince you he's worth a fucking damn LOL.

(And he is worth a damn, so much more than a damn because he's willing to give anything and everything up for you but... doesn't know how to say it in a way that wouldn't scare you off for good...

Not to mention he's so fucking bad at texting. Yes, his dry humor is funny as hell but he's not trying to be funny with you, he's trying to WOO you and so the whole thing is just him making excuses to reach out to you even tho texting first for him is like plucking ass hair.)

#shinso #no bc shy people.... i love them but ... put in the work y'all i am doing all this talking for what??? #to be silently appreciated? no. I have my own issues too !!! and u don't see me hesitating to speak !!!!!! #<- how i imagine this reader bc shy ppl grate on me sometimes with feeling unable or scared to talk #so anyway being shy bites shinso in the BEHIND bc he didn't realize he wasn't just... a loser nobody saw... #but a loser everyone saw as being... mean. for not wanting to talk to them #even tho i know you were kind and gentle to him #he was never able to reciprocate out of feeling like he wasn't good enough #DISASTER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #anyway he's sexxy af now but you just think it's made him more self-absorbed #until you actually get to know him again and it turns out you were wrong too #LMAO I LOVE THIS DISASTER RELATIONSHIP #sorry if this went in a totally weird direction anon i couldnt help myself !! #caitie things #anon #gen

[icewindandboringhorror]

I find it kind of silly that so many of those "time based life rule" sayings are like ~deep serious guidelines~ of some sort, but then there's that one other Well Known Rule that's just like "hrmm can I eat something off of the ground or not"

#the duality of human condition.. two biggest concerns in the modern era are attempts at self fulfilling productivity #and also 'if i drop my sandwich can i still eat it :(' #Also while capitalism is often linked with/the source of hyper productivity culture - note that I do not mean the images in that context #'meaningful to you' does not have to mean 'productive within a capitalist system'. The point is not 'every waking hour of every day #must be spent in the most societally productive grinding mindset hyper efficency mode possible' but more like #if you've always wanted to learn french ever since you were a kid and you think it would be fulfilling to you (just because you like it #absent of any larger purpose like using it for a job/monetizing it somehow/etc.). and you've just spent like 5 hours straight on tiktok #or something mindlessly scrolling the internet. maybe someimtes it'd help for your own personal fulfillment in the long #run to try to - the next time you have 5 spare hours - work on learning french or something that is actually significant to you #as a person and that you'll be glad you worked towards. instead of weeks and weeks passing by and feeling you have nothing to show for it #or etc. AAANYWAY. The images/rules themselves are also NOT the main point of this post. More just the juxtaposition of them together #and the fact that 3 of them are serious seeming while one is so mundane it seems silly in comparison. #BUT even though they're not the main point . I still didn't want it to come across as if I was like promoting or buying into capitalist #productivity culture propaganda or etc. I don't find productivity tips like this inherently bad as long as they're kind of divorced from #those ideas. I think it's still important in life to have goals even if those goals exist outside of the typical expected framework. #I mean that's actually part of why a culture of chronically exhausted overworked deprived people is damaging because if you #'re forced to spend 85% of your waking time working at some job that is perosnally meaningless to you that brings you nothing that #youre only doing under threat of starvation and houselesness and etc. then of course you don't have much time for hobbies or things you car #about and of course you'll feel more aimless and personally unsatisfied and like life is not fulfilling or interesting. #Productivity and efficiency is GOOD actually. as long as it's able to be directed in ways that are actually meaingful to the community or #individual and bring some sort of feeling of fulfillment or progress or accomplishment and working towards a person's personal ideas #of happiness whatever those are. rather than just working away aimlessly so some guy you don't know can buy a 20th house or etc. etc. #ANYWAY.. lol.. Me overthinking things perhaps.. probably not as likely #that people see the silly little cat images and go 'WOW EVIL you must be a capitalist grind culture lover' like its pretty clear #thats not the point... but... just in case... lol.. I loooove to over clarify things that don't actually need clarification

[whentherewerebicycles]

a bunch of people have already registered for my mentoring workshop! unfortunately this means i have to plan and host a workshop aaaaaa

#i want to think aloud through it on here at some point #but i think i am going to structure it around the theme of cultivating student autonomy #because i think one of the primary goals of mentorship is to prepare students to be self-directed learners who can set realistic goals + #evaluate their own progress + reflect on what they've learned and what they still don't know #+ take initiative without sitting around waiting for someone to tell them what to do next #so i think we will do some thinking around like #when we have a student we think of as really capable or driven what qualities and behaviors do we observe in that student #and maybe ill also share some of the research on intrinsic motivation + self-direction + locus of control #which i think is all really interesting esp in light of the contemporary College Mental Health Crisis concerns #and then we will look at a range of tools + structures + strategies that i think are useful for fostering student autonomy over time #and maybe leave them with some core principles/guiding values that i think are useful when you are trying to like #avoid jumping in and doing stuff for kids #or solving their problems for them #idk i need to think through specifics a bit more #but i feel like on this campus #people do a lot of 'workshops' that are really not interactive at all #it's just someone talking from slides #and i kind of want to show off my ability to structure more engaging workshops #but idk. gotta think about how to do it well #and how to build in lots of opportunities for like crowdsourcing strategies too

[brightokyolights]

...

#i am only typing this because im tired and feeling more loosey goosey than i usually would i guess #but ive just been debating something for a while now #so basically i used to just openly talk about like. everything on this blog but then due to a multitude of reasons #i stopped posting about certain things 1. because irl people found my blog and probably still could if they Really tried #2. because i didnt want to post about certain things and have absolutely anyone know shit about me #like as much as it can feel like a cosy wee community. just me and my mutuals <3 etc. its like. actually the fucking internet djdbdjdhdhjdh #anyways whats prompting me to type all this is that i used to post kinda negative stuff on here i guess you could say. like just my feelings #and shit. but i stopped because i want this to be a positive blog and i do feel like you can manifest shit you know? if i constantly reblog #posts where im like ���i feel worthless and i am a piece of shit” that isnt helping anything you know? i think what really hammered it home #for me is when i saw a mutual rb something from me like that and it made me so sad tbh. because like. no youre not. youre amazing and ily #you know? anyways. overall i think it has been a decision for the best and i enjoy that my blog has become a more positive space. but i #do sometimes just feel like im kind of going the opposite direction where i act a certain way when im really just. feeling crap. #like all the time. idk maybe tumblr isnt the place for it but it used to be my outlet you know? and i have other things like my diary and #art and even a sideblog lmao. but i guess i do just mourn my whole self not being on this blog. idk what im trying to say by all this #is it this deep? am i thinking about this way too much lmao. idk. idk. #le text post

[isekyaaa]

Alh*itham & K*veh relationship analysis (spoilers below)

I said before that Alh*itham holds a level of "resentment" for K*veh, but what I really meant was "contempt." It's the contempt you feel when you're pushed past the point of sympathy and pity. You see someone you care about that's in a bad state, but the thing is that they're ALWAYS in a bad state due to nobody's fault but their own. They go from pitying to pathetic and pitiful.

This line isn't because Alh*itham literally refuses to do good deeds. It's because giving into K*veh's nagging would only serve to enable his guilty conscience. K*veh's guilt is what pushes him to clean and do things. One would think that helping K*veh would help ease his guilt and ease his stress, but all that does is put a bandaid on a gaping wound. What K*veh needs to learn is simply to stop. Learn he doesn't need to clean. He doesn't need to do the errands. He doesn't need to be "good." He doesn't need to give. He doesn't need to DO. He can just BE and that's okay.

But K*veh doesn't learn. He doesn't catch the hint. He doesn't change. Then the thought comes, "Why should I care about someone that doesn't want to get better?" And the next thought, "But unfortunately I DO care, so this whole situation irritates me even more." Alh*itham can ignore K*veh for the most part, but the times he gets too much, Alh*itham's irritation and contempt begins to seep in and he gets more biting.

It confuses me why people pair these two together because they are not what the other person needs. K*veh needs care. He needs love. He needs reassurance. Alh*itham needs independence. He needs low maintenance. He needs stability. As of right now, they only make the other worse.

#analysis #kaveh #alhaitham #spoilers #i don't want to post this on my writing blog haha #feel free to reblog though #as for that last sentence tho some people just like dysfunctional relationship #so like that last paragraph isn't directed at you guys haha #it's at people that genuinely think they can be good for each other lol #as someone that has been and is now to a lesser degree in alhaitham's shoes i'd literally die than get paired up with someone like kaveh #the kavehs in my life are actually of the closest people to me #i love them very much #and yet their helplessness and addiction to self sabotage annoys the hell out of me #people are like 'why don't you help them and support them more???? aren't they your friend??' #and it's like... #why should I willingly drown trying to bucket out water from a sinking ship? #people like that take a heavy toll on your mental and emotional reserves #why would I do that to myself for someone who REFUSES to improve themselves and get better? #i'm not that altruistic #i know it sounds like i'm dissing kaveh a lot here but ppl like him are my favorite kinds of people #he (like the people in my life) are not the summation of their faults #however you can get your bottom dollar that that doesn't mean I'll pretend they won't exist HAHAHA #using caps for things bc i can't italicize on mobile browser

[throttlegainwell]

11. someone's a masochist and no one is surprised for the WIP ask thing! ✨

LOL thank you!

So this one isn't very far into the actual writing process yet. More planning. But it's basically Jancy Explores Kink Together, sometime in the future.

(I guess warning for discussion of BDSM?)

Jonathan probably has kind of a complicated relationship with pain, for a number of reasons that I won't get into (you all know them). So while I'm intrigued on his behalf by the possibilities of pure sensation play and sometimes a spanking or some other kind of painplay just feels good for physiological reasons uncomplicated by psychology... well, look, maybe that boy wants to control when the pain happens, on his terms, and learn to trust his body and feel his feelings and not stuff it down. Make peace with it. Maybe he wants to be treated gently and touched sweetly and then occasionally let someone whom he loves and trusts and would never fear push him just far enough to the edge of sensation that it's too intense not to tear up a little. And then soothe him and tell him he's a good boy and he did so great and she loves him so much. You know?

Nancy, for her part, I think would enjoy getting to do that. Nancy can have a little loving, conscientious, and very responsibly enacted sadism, as a treat. I think she's got some masochism in there, too, and probably more than Jonathan, if I'm being honest. But there's no way she'd ask Jonathan to do that for her, even if he offered. She knows him too well. So she's fine exploring this side of it. And I suppose I can let Nancy try the Clover clamps and heavy impact play with someone else, eventually. Probably not with a dude, though. (Gonna get distracted by queer BDSM thoughts here...)

#answered asks #wip game #jancy #reminds me of a different wip i have #(a stoncy one) #where steve (who has a praise kink) tries some sweet talk with jonathan and he just fucking starts crying in bed #he's mortified and they are Very Concerned #because they've said all kinds of filthy stuff to him and he's always been fine with it #so they make it a point to start praising him in non-sexual situations #to help him get more comfortable being acknowledged and appreciated #because it's pretty clear that this boy is going unacknowledged a lot of the time #or else being sweet talked in a vulnerable moment (during sex) wouldn't elicit that reaction #i'm big on the psychological aspects of kink #and the intersection where it meets 'it feels good' or 'it's just fun' where it's not that deep #and i like exploring that #and ngl reclaiming embodiment after abuse through purposeful and self-directed kink is very much something i like exploring too #you have a body you are a body you are allowed to explore what that means to you and get to know yourself #and that can be complicated when your particular body has been conditioned to expect pain and/or you feel disconnected from it

[aleatoryw]

mannnn we can clown on twenty one pilots as much as we want, but i still think vessel is one of the best albums of the 2010s

#a bunch of tracks on vessel talk about suicidal ideation and self harm in ways that feel really genuine and direct and yet playful #i'd never heard anyone talk about those kinds of emotions that way. every 'suicide prevention' thing i saw as a kid was very somber #'you think twice about your life - it probably happens at night right? FIGHT IT' rewired my brain in a very good way #vessel

[pinkhysteria]

cirie venting about the house flip to felicia and implying her and meme made an uninformed move is funny, because it benefitted felicia. 😭 why would felicia, who was on the block, turn down the vote flipping in her favor, or meme, who had felicia as a final 2?

#bb25 #felicia rightfully said jared/izzy should've kept their feelings about america to themselves and telling cory was their downfall #and cirie tried to kind of 'yeah but-' and proceeded to complain about them doing his dirty work but?? #what else were they supposed to do... #it's not like they gaf about cory beyond that week either. #'cory didn't give a damn about y'all cory used y'all' true! and yet it still kept felicia in the house and she outlasted him anyway 🤭 #so why would she care cirie jdksjdsk #everyone was self-motivated in that vote. #the clowning needs to be directed to the person who was THREATENING people from the block and jared's nutty ass rampage. 💀 #but i know those are her babies so. lmfao.

[firstfullmoon]

franz wright, “to myself” / marie howe, “the gate” / mary karr, “the voice of god”

#being alive is about making yourself a sandwich #w #poetry #comparatives #franz wright #marie howe #mary karr #the feeling of self directed kindness

[sunburnacoustic]

Muse’s Matt Bellamy: ‘I felt that we could do no wrong. Obviously, we could’

By Mikael Wood in the L.A. Times (pasted because paywalls)

(Brian van der Brug / Los Angeles Times)

Matt Bellamy wrote Muse’s new album in a Santa Monica recording studio painstakingly decorated to resemble the so-called red room from “Twin Peaks.”

Crimson curtains, leather armchairs, black-and-white zigzag flooring: The 44-year-old frontman of one of England’s biggest rock bands reproduced every detail of the otherworldly chamber from the cult-fave TV show he remembers devouring during Muse’s first tour on a bus back in the early 2000s.

“It just sets a certain tone, you know?” he says, looking around the space with obvious pride on a recent afternoon.

Yet as Bellamy sat composing amid a thicket of electric guitars and vintage synths — including an old Roland model he says was the same used for the “Stranger Things” theme — what really inspired him was the tumult unfolding outside the studio, which he observed through an enormous one-way mirror in the building’s front wall.

This was mid-to-late 2020: Bellamy, who’s written for years about the menacing encroachments of technology and government, watched (without those on the street being able to see inside) as shops went out of business during the pandemic, as Black Lives Matter protesters marched through the city, as riot-gear-clad police and National Guard moved in to shut down demonstrations, as a man took up residence in a car parked right in front of the studio. Helicopters seemed to be circling constantly; a drone hovered over Bellamy one day as he loaded gear in through a back door.

“It was like being inside a scene from ‘RoboCop,’” he says now. “All the anxieties and the dystopian strangeness that had always been kind of speculative in our music — suddenly it felt like it was all coming true. It was actually happening.”

The result of his observations is Muse’s ninth studio album, “Will of the People,” on which Bellamy rhymes “a life in crisis” with “a deadly virus” and “tsunamis of hate are gonna drown us.” (Sample song titles include “Kill or Be Killed” and “We Are Fucking Fucked.”) But if the LP confronts a brave new world, it also knowingly looks back: Musically, the band—rounded out by bassist Chris Wolstenholme and drummer Dominic Howard—dials down the fluorescent electro-pop vibe of 2018’s “Simulation Theory” in favor of the harder, more guitar-oriented sound that made Muse a prog-metal sensation more than two decades ago.

Muse performing in Philadelphia in 2013. (Owen Sweeney / Invision via AP)

What are those so-called worst parts of Muse? Probably a tendency to veer off and experiment in areas that we’re not very experienced in. Most of [2012’s] “The 2nd Law,” for instance — classical dubstep, weird clarinet solos, whatever else is on that album. I think we felt we’d achieved so much with [the 2009 hit] “Uprising” that we could do no wrong. Obviously, we could.

You produced “Will of the People” yourself after collaborating with the producer Shellback on “Simulation Theory” and with Mutt Lange on 2015’s “Drones.” With people like that who are so successful, I think sometimes we’ve gone in the studio and been a little bit like, “OK, we’ll do just whatever you say.” In hindsight, I wish I’d been more involved and put more of our stamp on it. So we’ve kind of gone back to our safe space on this album. If we’re in complete control, it may not be the most cutting-edge or the most modern-sounding thing, but it’s the only way to guarantee that we’re gonna love it.

(Brian van der Brug / Los Angeles Times)

June 2020 was a heck of a time to bring a baby into the world. I came to America in 2010 as a single person looking to experience L.A. for a bit — and, boy, have I had an experience. Ended up with a Hollywood actress [Kate Hudson], had a baby together and the whole cliché scenario of the ups and downs of celebrity life. Then married a Texan [model Elle Evans] and had another baby. Been evacuated from my house during wildfires. Then the pandemic and the full January 6 Trump meltdown. It’s just been an unbelievable period to be here.

“Will of the People” suggests it hasn’t left you terribly optimistic about the future. It depends what your definition of optimism is. To me there’s a fighting spirit in the music, which is a form of optimism. It’s like the moment in “Rocky” when Adrian tells Rocky to win.

Do you think it’s clear to listeners who you’re fighting? In the new song “Compliance,” you’re singing sarcastically about people falling into line and doing as they’re told. It could be interpreted as an anti-woke anthem. I never thought about it that way. I thought about it in terms of the rising authoritarianism that we’re now seeing is a real thing— Trump in this country, but also Putin and the China situation. These ideologies, I feel like we kind of tested the waters in the 20th century and realized that fascism and communism are both just absolute disasters and that we don’t need to go near that stuff ever again. And yet it’s emerging.

What’s your reaction to that? I have an anti-authoritarian nature. My parents say that when I was a young child I was never very good at being told what to do. I don’t like the idea of vast centralized power that’s very far away from where I live. I come from Devon in England, which is a couple hundred miles from London. But when I went to see where my wife’s from in Paris, Texas, it’s like, Holy s—! It’s thousands of miles from the places of power in America. So the resistance to someone deciding how I should live who has no idea what my day-to-day life is — I can understand it, even though there’s a risk of it being hijacked by more extremist factions that have gone down roads I don’t agree with.

Have you considered becoming a U.S. citizen? I have. Overall, I actually think the United States’ structure is really amazing, with all the different ways to make laws at the local level. It seems like every month my wife is voting on some sort of proposition. I’m looking at that going, Wow, England is so behind on that front. We don’t ever get to vote on policy.

The oddest thing about that late-2020 period where things in America and California seemed so chaotic and crazy was that I felt my connection deepening. There’s something going on here that is critical to what’s happening in the entire world. America has become a kind of center point for this idea that there’s an empire on the verge of collapse, and how do we save it? Or how do we know which parts to save and which parts to let fall away?

For some people — Dom, to some extent — it made them want to get out. But for me it had the opposite effect. It’s everything I’m interested in, and it’s massively creatively inspiring.

Has becoming wealthy shaped your political views? I don’t think so. I remember all my feelings of what it was to be from a poor rural background with no opportunities and all the disadvantages. And I still have some views that would be considered pretty socialist by some. Universal health care is an obvious one; I can’t even believe there’s not universal healthcare here. I’ve also come to the view that maybe land shouldn’t be privately owned.

Can you relate to music that’s unambiguously joyful? Coldplay, let’s say. Absolutely. Chris [Martin] is a friend of mine. I love what they do. I wish I could write more songs that enter the love sphere. But I think it might be against the nature of the sounds our band makes. When the three of us are jamming, it’s like Rage Against the Machine riffs are coming out all the time. I can’t imagine hearing those riffs with Chris Martin singing about peace and love on top.

What’s the happiest Muse song? “Starlight” is pretty positive. I think “Verona” on the new album is pretty nice — little bit of “Romeo and Juliet” in there.

Do you think rock music is in good hands with the generation behind yours? My 11-year-old son likes Slipknot and Metallica. My stepson Ryder from a previous situation [with Hudson], he’s 18 and he’s really into rock. He turned me on to Willow Smith.

Can you envision touring in your 60s and 70s like Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones? Yeah, but Metallica is the one that’s really made me think we could do it. The Stones and McCartney, they have universally uplifting music. But Metallica — I’m not sure how old they are, but they’re up there — that’s really heavy music and they’re still out there. The great thing about rock is that, even though the genre is largely irrelevant in the mainstream, you can actually grow old with it. You can make a real life career.

#Muse interviews #matt bellamy #muse band #Will Of The People #some parts of this interview were really interesting/slaps in the face #Like where Matt talks about feeling invincible roughly around albums 4-6 #It did really feel like that (I’ve talked about this before): Muse could do no wrong. The world was at their feet! #When he says ‘we could’ - he’s obviously talking about T2L and the way fans weren’t too pleased with it. #That’s disappointing to hear though. T2L is hardly an album to be dismissed. #It’s literally the only direction Muse could’ve gone in after The Resistance #Idk I think they got caught up in an era where rock bands were dwindling and 00s guitar fans were resentful of that synthy sound #(I blame the EDM boom) and so Muse genuinely interpreting ‘heavy’ as a kind of sound not solely connected to distorted guitars #Fell on its arse when in fact it was brilliant. I see nothing wrong with e.g. Unsustainable; Matt is 100% right when he says it’s heavy. #And of course his thoughts on America and the America he sees around him. His take on it as a non-American. Quite interesting #And on production and why Muse self-produce albums #muse #WOTP

[pepprs]

my anxiety is unbelievably fucking bad rn. i am so scared

#purrs #delete later #ask to tag #(​putting slashes thru things so that they don’t show up in search btw) #i have no right to be scared bc im not there. but im so scared for the people of ga/za. and i am so scared that… idk. it’s completely my #fault bc i go looking for these kinds of things on purpose to hurt myself. but i doomscrolled last night about ww/3 and the possibility of #nu/clear war being fueled by is/rael’s ‘war’ on pale/stine and not only am i sick with fear about the people living directly in that region #but i am so fucking scared of the possibility of nu/clear war. or like. any war breaking out in the us. which i know is a ridiculous self #centered thought to have but my anxiety is out of fucking control rn and it has been getting worse throughout the week. i just don’t know #how to wrap my head around the violence of this week. and so few je/wish ppl i know irl are antizi/onist and ppl just expect me to be #supportive of is/rael jsut bc im je/wish and it makes me fucking FURIOUS not only because i resent these horrors being committed to innocent #people in the name of my own people but it is so extremely dangerous to conflate j/udaism with zi/onism. the consequences diasporic je/ws #are goi ng to face are of course nowhere near as central or all-consumingly violent as the people in gaz/a and i feel personally safe enough #as someone who (and i know this is kind of a terrible thing to say) passes very easily as a go/y (esp w a mask on) and has a g/oy last name #but i am so fucking terrified of the antise/mitism getting worse here and have been exposing myself to evidence of it even though it is #extremely destructive to my mental health. but also i deeply resent the rhetoric around ‘reach out to your j/ewish friends they’re suffering #rn’ because…. we are not a monolith nor are we the direct victims in this situation and it just feels so uncomfortable and centering to make #it an issue of silence etc etc when… there are innocent ppl in g/aza who are experiencing terror no human being should ever have to endure #and most of them are children and they are the people who will ‘pay’ most directly and immediately and severely for what happened a week ago #i just feel so fucking on edge from this entire situation and unable to do anything to help when the destruction is imminent and this #nightmare of a country is at the core of so much suffering in this world and it will take centuries to undo it all and in the meantime so #many innocent people are going to die and maybe the entire world will be destroyed by nu/clear war which we are basically begging for at #this point. it’s so hard to function in my personal life when i am keenly aware of what could be happening at any moment #i don’t know how to end this post. im just fucking scared and there’s nothing i can do

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons #so rendering them more compressed & visually ignorable is a move in the right direction #but that's sort of seasonal (which sounds insane‚ but‚ idk‚ in the summer the visible body hair helps balance out the visible tits???) #so it's like. objectively very obvious that i ought to go braless more in the summer #when it would bother me less visually and dramatically increase my comfort levels #and i do‚ in the house! but like. when i go out i still feel the need to render myself Presentable and i'm mad about it #bc like. yeah it's partially a trans desire to hide my chest but like. is that actually separable from the way women are socialized #to manage their breasts to HOA-approved standard or else open themselves up to a whole gamut of inappropriate treatment. (no.) #and so it's really just like. reimposing many different shades of cisheteropatriarchy on myself simultaneously #but unfortunately the only way out is to just. accept all the bad reactions i'm living in fear of. but those DO feel bad! #as always it's like. hard when yr self-protective conditioning isn't serving you wrt being a free person #but IS a rational reaction to the hobbled reality of yr actual existence… #like. easy to say 'just ignore those worries.' and maybe i will‚ at least in the context of like. casual public appearances #but like. even if the material consequences are unlikely‚ for me‚ to be more than unpleasantly judgmental stares— #that's still a real emotional consequence that has an impact on my well-being! but so does the self-censorship. #anyway. too many tags & no novel insight. just like. sux lol #(also usually on here i omit any discussion of Tit Management Issues bc it's my space where i get to pretend not to have a body) #(but like. that's self-censorship of a kind too.) #embodiment (is violence)

[kingspuppet]

Also, hi hello I miss you guys lots and I hope that you've all been doing well! ;3;

#; OOC || Bri ♟️ #//I miss writing and talking but I'm still going through it you know how it is. :') #//But at least there's good news in that I'm seeing a new psychiatrist and we're figuring out the depression stuff!! #//Or at least we're trying to. And honestly her validating my experiences in the last year has been so nice. #//Especially since my adderall was not being kind to me or my OCD. #//I don't expect my activity to really pick up for at /least/ a couple more weeks. #//But it's nice to feel like there's some hope that this might be a step in the right direction. I'm crossing my fingers at least. #//So I apologize for still being so radio silent and inactive. But hopefully soon I can be a bit more feeling like my old self again. 💙

[dnangelic]

smth that's good to remember about dark is that he's doomed. he'll never get what he wants. he can never get what he wants. he's allowed to 'dream' (to desire) but not to 'wish' (to attempt to fulfill those desires.) the other thing that's good to remember is that he's already redeemed. dark will never be able to have his own body or to love who he wants to love. he'll never have the true freedom and individuality that he craves above almost all else. he, as he is, can never be or become a proper human being- as a live artwork, he too is just a 'thing,' a hollow vessel for human emotions. alone and by himself, he's unfeeling and inanimate, no matter how otherwise convincing, no matter how beautiful. all of his 'feelings' are like single droplets in a dry well that evaporate in an instant. dark has no true heart, because he's an artwork. he has no humanity, no great amount of emotion alone that he himself can muster up or express. if he has anything inside of him then it's that very nothingness; an empty cathedral made up of restless, dissatisfied desire; a somber, passive longing to juxtapose krad's obsessive behavior. it's thus only with a tamer, or daisuke, that dark truly becomes someone. more than just a ghost, a phantom beneath the floorboards. the point is, despite daisuke's own terror of those around him rejecting him as worthless and unnecessary in comparison to dark, dark will always need daisuke. not just want, but quite literally need; 'to dark, i am a necessity.' dark doesn't admit it and very likely never will but he's already saved and endlessly comforted by daisuke's presence. there's the part of him that rejects others' comforts and attempts to reach out because of his own understandings over himself (he's doomed, he's already used to being avoidant and subtly excising himself,) but also the part that decides he just doesn't need any of it because he always has daisuke with him --- he's redeemed. he has someone to rely on and to always trust and to be proud of as his 'other self.' dark will never say it (both out of pride and guilt) but he'll always, always admire daisuke for the strength of the boy's emotions and the stubborn goodness of his heart.

#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT. #reference. #i cant find the post i made commenting on satoshi's page @ insomnia so im just typing all of this shit up again #w more detail this time #saying it a million times until all 28943885 of my followers understand it. dark is not human. dark will never be human #emotional depth is an inherently human quality. dark doesn't have that. he can't Feel Shit alone. he has no heart. he's empty #it's DAISUKE who serves as his heart. both literal and metaphorical. daisuke who's his body. whose emotion dark reflects n vice versa #the hikari artworks all work in the same way: human emotions enter the arts and then produce magic #and anyways dark's pride and dislike of pity aside. he really is comfortable for the most part now #if it could be said of him. he genuinely. from the bottom of his heart loves and admires daisuke as another self #it's not a 'i don't ever need comfort bc im bitter' case. its 'you dont have to worry about me bc i already have sb to rely on' case #for dark and daisuke their relationship almost always remains the same. as long as the other is there #they can find some kind of strength to keep going #dark needs his heart. he has to protect it. to keep it safe. to keep it motivated and inspired #daisuke needs his dream. to have a direction that he can keep stepping forwards towards. something to proudly accomplish #for others- accepting only one half of the equation never works. to love dark you have to acknowledge dai #to love dai you have to acknowledge dark #etc