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sarcasticdebate · 4 years

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50 Questions

@the-most-beautiful-broom said anyone could so this, and i was bored and so i am!!

What is the colour of your hairbrush? Like light blue/teal

Name a food you never eat? mayo is obviously evil. I specifically ask to have it not put on a sandwich. aioli can’t fool me

Are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, that’s bad circulation baby!

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was in zoom class. my prof went around and said something nice about everyone, it was really wholesome.

What is your favourite candy bar? hmmm kit kat? also midnight milkways, but i couldn’t eat a full size one in on sitting.

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? a couple of Mets games!

What is the last thing you said out loud? “no, I was in class.”

What is your favourite ice cream? coffee/espresso!

What was the last thing you had to drink? water

Do you like your wallet? i’ve been using it for two and half years so yeah ig, never really though abt it before tbh it was a gift

What was the last thing you ate? had a peanut butter sandwich for lunch

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? the last time i bought clothes was returning a christmas gift so no

The last sporting event you watched? I’ve caught glimpes of golf when my dad has it on, but before that it was my college’s big rivalry football game

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? classic butter and salt.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my Chaucer gc lmao

Ever go camping? a couple times as a kid with girl scouts

Do you take vitamins? nope

Do you go to church every Sunday? when im home and churches are running on their normally scheduled programming, when its up to me i don’t

Do you have a tan? my body is physically incapable of being tan. and i like it that way

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? probably Chines just cause there’s mroe variety to chose from

Do you drink your soda with a straw? if i’m at a diner and they serve it with one, prefer straight from a can

What colour socks do you usually wear? I buy my socks in a variety pack so they’re all dif colors

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? obviously?? i’m from new jersey

What terrifies you? lots of anxieties, few terrors? idk failure? letting people down? the uncertainty of the future? all the normal stuff

Look to your left, what do you see? several pillows

What chore do you hate? yardwork/weeding

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? surfing??

What’s your favourite soda? ginger ale

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus? inside I always feel awkward putting half my torso out the car window

Who’s the last person you talked to? my dad

Favourite cut of beef? ground beef? idk i don’t eat steak

Last song you listened to? All the Sad Young Men by Spector

Last book you read? how i live now by Meg Rossof

Favourite day of the week? I’m a Friday fan

Can you say the alphabet backwards? never tried but i prob couldn’t

How do you like your coffee? spash of milk no sugar

Favourite pair of shoes? if i could live barefoot i would, but my beat to shit red converse

The time you normally go to sleep? 11:30-12:30 range

The time you normally get up? wake up 7:30 out of bed 8:30

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises feel more special because im normally not awake for them

How many blankets on your bed? currently two

Describe your kitchen plates: green, bowled edges

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? sucker for a champagne b/c thats rare, otherwise basically anything involving vodka. im in college im not picky

Do you play cards? heck yeah, i did a lot more when i was little but ive taught almost all my friends to play poker

What colour is your car? the one i drive is silver-y

Can you change a tire? i know the steps but have none of the necessary tools

Favourite job you’ve ever had? love my writing workshop job at college, but also the data entry gig i had one winter bc it was super easy and paid super well lol

How did you get your biggest scar? only one scar about an inch long that i got when i had a pre-cancerous mole removed

What did you do today that made someone else happy? swept the floors in my house which will make mum happy

tagging: take a page from my book and just do it if you want to! (Yes, i mean you!)

#tagged in #or not lol

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vampiresgrave · 4 years

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I fucking hate adhd i hate having to work harder and put in so much extra effort just to be on the same fucking level as everyone else i hate having to constantly monitor myself to not get off topic to not be too loud to not be too annoying consciously

this shit doesn’t come naturally and it takes so much extra effort to make sure i’m staying within these norms and even then i still slip up so much lol

i can tell when im being annoying even when ppl dont say it and i hate it especially when im annoying my bf bc of how restless i get

i hate that my old doctor told my mom there was no point in assessing me as a kid bc i didnt have it according to him or bc he didnt wanna give a kid stimulants and i went 20 fucking years undiagnosed until i brought it up myself to my new doctor

my brain is always constantly in fucking overdrive and at this point idk whats due to adhd whats due to anxiety or just a great combo of both :)

at this point i rlly cant remember the last time i wasnt tired and didnt have a tension headache bc those have been constant basically since fucking middle sschhool

im so stressed abt my average and my thesis and my grad school shit and writing fucking gres or whatever and my fucking bank account is so fucking low rn but i still gotta spend like 60 bucks for my meds tomorrow bc ford took away free prescriptions for ppl under 25 in school :))

my fucking grades rgonna plummet i already know i did shit on my neuro exam and my fucking child disorders prof is being a bitch and making exams completely shhitty and then saying that our class should have a higher average despite....only one person getting an 80.... like u rlly think its all of us? u rlly think its all of us you dumb bitch??? and maybe not...ur fucking stupidass exam with shitty questions???

i really feel like im just going through the motions of getting a degree and going on to get a career but i feel like if i ever even get into masters and then graduate ill just b stuck bc i dont picture myself in a job. i really dont.

when i was in highschool i always said id kill myseld before i was 18, then that came and i was recovering a bit i guess so i just went into what i thought i could do and now im at the point where i have to go farther than that and i dont have anything planned!!! i say my masters but if i dont get into the program?? the fuck am i gonna do? die?? probably!!!

a hba in psych doesnt get u shit lol

#tidings #suicide mention -

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v-le · 5 years

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Ktravels/Klife: Halfway through it all / 첫 학기 끝 !

Foreword: I am almost done! I am almost done with my first semester at Yonsei… damn.

I honestly cannot believe that time flew by so fast. I’ve mentioned this before, but I had been thinking about studying abroad for over a year before coming here. And now that I am about halfway through with this experience… damn, I just have no words. Jk I do, which is why I’m writing this right now lol.

My favorite parts about Korea so far: it is my emotional, musical wonderland. More on that later, but… it’s heart-warming to hear so many of my favorite, treasured artists occasionally on the streets or in a café. And no, not K-pop lol I know nothing about K-pop anymore. In terms of café culture, it’s a love and hate relationship because some of them are just so expensive sigh. BUT, after going to so many different cafes like all around Seoul, I have come to actually have specific preferences for what constitutes a gr8 café (for studying specifically bc that’s all my friends and I mostly do at cafes anyway LOL) hehe:

AFFORDABLE!! No normal person should be paying like 7 or 8 bucks for a goddamn coffee. Base price for drinks should be around 5,000 won. If their iced caramel macchiato costs more than 5,500 won, the place is too expensive. If it’s less than 5,000 won,

Reasonable cup sizes! Or better, LARGE ONES! (안녕, 낯선 사람 in hongdae has some super bang-for-your-buck coffee drinks, the best I’ve seen!! :^))

Music that isn’t too loud

OUTLETS. OUTLETS ARE A MUST.

Plentiful seats so that it’s never too packed & large-enough tables

Nice temperature (aka not too cold in the winter, not too hot in the summer)

You can sneak in outside food & eat it blatantly even if there are signs saying not to, and no one will ever say anything

Not too crusty: cozy, but clean

A nice, well-maintained bathroom

It may seem impossible to find the perfect café that could meet all of these expectations, but honestly there are just SO many cafes in seoul, that if you search hard enough or have enough luck, some will be out there somewhere :^)

ALSO can I address the business turnover rate here?? Is this why Seoul is considered a fast-paced city?? So many times, my friends I have tried to go to cafes or restaurants or stores we’ve seen online or found on Kakao/Naver Maps, only to arrive and discover that THEY’RE GONE. Even if I did thorough research and found a blog post of a place from 2 months prior, the place is just POOF, disappeared into thin air. This has literally happened countless times and we are flabbergasted each time LOL. As limited as the database of 맛집’s and cafes already is online, the Internet & maps can’t even keep up to date with information either. Businesses open up so randomly fast, too it’s crazy… Mangoplate, the supposed “yelp” of Korea honestly is not that useful either LOL it usually has places on the pricier side, it is also not always up to date, and I just feel like Seoul/Korea has way too many places & businesses worth trying that they can’t even all fit into one database. There are just so many of those un-documentable places. So I suggest: find a neighborhood, go with your friends, take a stroll around the place, and try to stumble upon a place of your liking. Unless you can read Korean & utilize naver blogs (slightly more extensive and useful than mangoplate but still not 100% reliable all the time), then walking around is probably your best bet rather than attempting to do research online. Trust me.

Hmm what else is there… It’s really nice to be able to get/buy anything pretty easily, with convenience. I am afraid I will get too used to this once I go back to the states.

I think once the work started to pick up later in the semester, I definitely started falling into a routine of going to my morning class & then leaving sinchon to run errands elsewhere in Seoul, or simply doing work in the business building which quickly became my go-to spot because 1) outlets, 2) can eat food 3) very nice facility, literally sparkling 4) on campus. It kinda hurts to think that this short-lived routine will be over quite soon, but maybe next semester will be a little more exciting.

Although I haven’t been speaking as much Korean as I would like to, I do feel like my Korean has improved to an extent: (very slightly) vocab-wise, reading-wise, and writing-wise. It is honestly SO refreshing to finally be learning Korean in a formal, classroom setting. It honestly makes me regret not doing it sooner. Why did I lock myself up in my room for 8 years and only settle for learning on my own?? Sigh, it’s okay. I can only get better from here, right? As much as I hate the timing of KLI, I still really do enjoy the class nonetheless and I feel some sort of… growth? I appreciate how all my background knowledge of Korean has helped me up to this point as well. That at least, I can be proud of lol.

With languages and culture in general, throughout the semester, for the first time ever, I got to reflect on how valuable languages are. It is so interesting; I’ll try my best to explain my realizations, but it might come out as gibberish in the end… I really think anyone that has been born & raised in the US should spend a prolonged amount of time abroad. As homogeneous of a society Korea is, being here has opened my eyes to the global society. The society in which multiculturalism is embraced, there is no one correct language of communication, and every member listens to the various cultural values of one another without judgement. I never thought of English as being a powerful language. In fact, I honestly think I have been taking English for granted. I have never realized the immensity of the English language, how the rest of the world vies to master it, and how I have been blessed to have grown up with English as my native tongue. But on the flip-side, learning other languages is just as worthwhile. Communicating in a different language is literally honing a different perspective, mentality, and set of values. You can try to translate target languages into your native tongue for ease of comprehension. Or, what I have come to deeply appreciate and understand is, you can and should take the target language as it is. In order to connect with the language and consequently the culture, stop thinking in terms of your native tongue. Doing this to a deeper extent in Korea than I ever did before has felt extremely rewarding: it makes the language dynamic and exciting to learn. It has led me to cherish specific words or phrases, more so than I already did before arriving here. And it really is just… beautiful. LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE! EXPLORE GLOBALIZATION!

Quite frankly though, I am disappointed that I haven’t been able to go to as many places as I would like, within in Korea. Okay more like: I am super grateful for the gorgeous places I have been to, but I also wish I could’ve visited those classic, “must-see” places like Busan, Jeju-do, Jeonju, Daegu, etc. I did however, visit lesser known, less expecting (??) places like Gangwon-do (Jumunjin Beach, Gangmun Beach, Gangneung, Yeongwol, Jeongseon, Pyeongchang) & Gyeongju & like Anyang & Seongnam…? Do these last two even count LOL theyre just smoller cities outside of Seoul… but yeah, I guess I’ll just have to save Busan and Jeju and the others for next semester… when I’m not as broke hopefully lmao.

But forreals, I actually really appreciated my trip to Gangwon-do even though it was technically an assignment for one of my courses called “New Media and Digital Storytelling” (shoutout to prof ted for supporting us with this valuable experience!!) because it was literally a breath of fresh air. Seoul is constantly jampacked with people and cars and smog and noises, but Gangneung was still a city, still just as civilized, but much quieter. Granted, nothing much happens out there and some parts are straight up just farming grounds, but the beaches have these stunning sunsets that look like they’re straight out of a graphically-altered fantasy movie. It was stunning and the image still lasts behind my eyes to this day.

One of the other things that I have been struggling to accept is that fact that I feel… unproductive in life? I wish I put myself more out there this semester. Even though I met a good number of locals and have had a few valuable conversations, I never deeply connected with any of them. Plus, almost all of them are going abroad next semester or graduating ☹. I also did not join any clubs or organizations or sports teams nor did I get a job or an internship or do any tutoring or volunteering on the side… I have just been going to class, occasionally spending a lot of money, and then spending some more. Last year at UCI, I feel like I ran into my freshman year with a fiery heart: I joined the badminton team, became a part of the Antleader Mentorship Program (AMP, which I miss so dearly with all of my heart) in fall & winter quarter, and took all upper division education courses my spring quarter as well as fulfilled my fieldwork major requirement by tutoring at a Kindergarten class for 6 hours every week. But coming to Korea, everything felt stagnant. Academically, career-wise, I feel like everything has been on a pause. Granted, many people could tell me that “Oh, you just being in Korea is already so much more than you need! You are doing more than enough, don’t worry”. But am I really?? I beg to differ. I am honestly pretty disappointed in myself and at this point all I can push for is to try to get more involved next semester. It has also been hurting to know that I have been digging into my precious savings that took over 2 long years to build up so quickly :(.

SO yeah, as great as Korea has been, it’s also been money-draining and disappointing from a personal-growth kind of view. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but that is also simply my reality. I think I am also choosing to be hard on myself because my luck with all my favorite artists has just been… totally undeserving.

I feel so blessed and “but why me??” at the same time. I have gotten to see Roy Kim four times live (fifth time will be this coming Sunday; the Seoul shows were blessedly scheduled the weekend right before I leave) & he released a new song in September. Eddy Kim, whom ive been waiting 4 years for to come back, finally did so right in the middle of my time here. Fromm, my extremely beloved indie goddess for YEARS now, released a new mini album in November; I got to see her 3 times live, and even attended her breath-taking solo?? Alone?? Personal? 그냥 단독 콘서트. Sam Kim, who I first listened to when I was 15, who has saved my life so many times with his music, finally released a FULL-length album 2 years and 6 months since his debut EP. Not only was I selected to go to his album’s release showcase, but I also got to a meet him through a fansign event. Oh yeah, I also met Fromm through a free fansigning & Eddy Kim through his new album’s fansign event, too. (I will post about these artist-meeting experiences separately because I feel like these three occasions alone have taught me so much). I saw DAY6 live for their third-year debut anniversary and I could feel the immensity and sincerity brimming from their voices, especially with an unfortunately missing member from stage; I will be seeing them soon for their newest music release, which also happened to come out this December. Nam Woohyun of Infinite, the group that I gave my heart to for over a third of my life, the group that I owe so much of my existence to, released another solo mini album, and I was lucky enough to even attend day 3 of his solo concert series; I saw a few other members of Infinite, I could feel my 12-year-old heart screaming & flailing & crying & apologizing from within because I’ve missed them for so long now, and I even heard a never-before released track from him as well. It was a miracle; I saw Woohyun & glimpses of the others on November 4th. Almost exactly 5 years ago in 2013, on November 11th, I went to a concert for the first time in my life and saw those very own loves with my own eyes: Infinite.

ALL OF THESE. ALL OF THESE EVENTS. Have been a blessing. Have been some sort of indescribable, boundless, breath-taking stroke of luck. I promise you, just luck. Roy just somehow decided to take a break from school at Georgetown THIS semester. Eddy Kim, Fromm, Sam Kim, Woohyun, and DAY6 all just somehow decided to release new music within the last half of this year. ME, I, just somehow decided to study abroad not as a 3rd year nor a 4th year, but a mere 2nd year. I decided to leave my home university barely 1 year in, and go to Korea. Just because. Because it felt right and I knew I wanted to, I knew I had to. But never could I have predicted any of these things to happen. Never in a million years. The very artists that I had only been listening to and watching from my computer screen for years as I hid beneath the deep blankets of my bed, the artists that have made me cry on cue because of how beautiful, meaningful, and healing their music is, the artists that seem to barely exist on the Internet, that are so lowkey and precious that I feel like I am the only that really listens to and loves them, the very artists that make my world revolve, that push me to go on when I want to give up, that I owe so much of my life to, all decided to release music, suddenly be active, hold events, and meet their fans in one way or another. Right. When. I am here, too. This sort of timing in life is nothing I had control of. It was all luck and I am just so deeply, infinitely, perpetually, until the end of this world, thankful. Every day I am so thankful. I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t hope for it, I didn’t even think about the possibility of these events happening in my life. But they did somehow. And for that, I am just so so so grateful. It’s just crazy to think that years ago, as a sophomore in high school. My heart would bulge with immense affection for these people & their music. They were unreal, almost-fantasy-like existences that made life-saving music and that I cherished so immensely. But little did I know 4 or 5 years later, this could happen to me. That there was actually a worth to loving these almost “nobody” musicians. I just constantly feel like I am always receiving from them, and never giving back. I really do owe them so much. Thank you, to my beloved artists. For everything.

Moving on to the people that have made my first semester here at Yonsei even brighter: our dumbass squad consisting of lil hoorey, 왕언니 ana, smol laura, dumbass closted weaboo Wilson, & even dumber josh LOL I am so blessed to have met such funny, stupid, understanding friends. Before arriving to Korea, I was STRESSED that I wouldn’t be able to find friends because I hate alcohol, I hate clubbing, I hate mainstream K-pop and simply many parts of popular Korean culture are things that I am not particularly a fan of. But thankfully, I have found an endearing group of friends that share these same sentiments. These reliable people have honestly shaped so much of my experiences here and I am forever thankful. IT JUST SUCKS THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE STAYING FOR A YEAR LOL. But yes, thank you friends, for everything <3 .

Have I exhausted all of my thanks at this point?? Probably not. But I’ll save those for my own heart and mind to cherish. Going abroad was and has been and will be an experience that I don’t think I could ever properly express with words alone. I think it’s always like that when it comes to these rants LOLLL. I rant because I need to vent these feelings and emotions and flaring thoughts. But I just end up struggling to articulate everything and get my heart across properly. Sigh.

Homesickness? Is this something I was supposed to address? Maybe exchange students are probably expected to always talk about this. But for me, it was a nonexistent notion. Being born and raised in the bay area, having lived in the same exact house, having slept in the same creaky, old bed for 18 years in a row, has provided me with a comfort that I probably take for granted more than I should, but has also left me with an intense urgency to explore more, see more, do more, and just breathe more. The Bay Area can be extremely toxic and suffocating in so many ways, and it a space that I know I can go back to whenever my heart desires, but it is also a space that I do not wish to prolong my stay in any further. My immediate family has also never been a significant part of my life: I have never relied on them for emotional nor mental support. Maturing into an adult with this sort of detachment has hindered and helped me in countless ways. There were definitely times throughout my life where I despised them for the way in which everything turned out. For how miserable or lonely or stuck or negligent I sometimes felt. But I know that without that detachment, I would not be where I am today. To my next semester at Yonsei, you look questionable, daunting, and exciting. I honestly can’t even begin to imagine what will be in store for me. All I can wish for is health & happiness.

가즈으으아!!~

#korea #yonsei university #should this be called klife or ktravels i have no clue #i am quite confused about myself still #i am also currently very sleepy #i cant believe it's coming to an end so quickly..

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productivityandcoffee · 6 years

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2017 Recap + Semester 1 of Nursing School Review +2018 Goals

Oh boy... where do I even begin? This year was truly a wild one - academically and personally. It’s a long one so here’s a... shorter version (I tried)

Academic

received my nursing program acceptance email 2 days before my bday (talk about the greatest bday gift ever) in the middle of the day, at my summer job and me dancing in front of kids and them laughing at me omg

friends sending me congratulatory texts and calls, bless

family being less than enthusiastic about it (bc I didn’t get accepted into the main campus at home but the campus 2 hours away)

there were no “congratulations” or “you’ve worked hard for this” and certainly no “I’m proud of you” was said

locking my self in my room and cried the whole night bc i’m still a child needing my parents’ acknowledgment

proceeding to celebrate the next day bc i refuse to let 2 years worth of hard work go to waste just bc my parents don’t see my accomplishment in the same way i do

lesson learned: parents are not always right and if they don’t support your dreams, be your own support system

moved to a different city for nursing school

the workload... oh my god the workload never stops!!!

moving to a completely new city where I know no one? anxiety increased about 10000x

first nursing school midterm i ever took? i got a 56 fck

then got an 85 for a group project... a 97 on a paper.. an 86 on a midterm. these are good marks by my standards lol sorry

... then i got slapped with a 52 on physio and anatomy rip lmao

OSCEs... LET ME TELL YOU... NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN SO STRESSED AND SO SCARED AND SO ANXIOUS W O W

but i passed the first time and got to go to clinical! (which was an amazing experience)

i love my profs and instructors. they are all v lovely and truly want to see us succeed. i greatly appreciate each and every one of them.

first time ever that I missed the allotted time to write one of my final exams bc i thought it was at 2 pm. it was at 9 am. i panicked. i called my prof as soon as i found out. she let me come in and write it at 2. i cried. i apologized. she told me ‘it’s okay. it happens.’ god bless her.

anyways... all in all first semester went good. i’m excited for the 2nd half of the year!

Personal

like i said, my anxiety got worse since i moved

it’s almost 24/7 now. during lectures. on the bus ride to and from school. the walk to the bus stop. when i’m grocery shopping. when i’m at the public library. during labs. almost had a panic attack waiting to speak to my prof about that final i missed. i was just sitting there imagining how i’d explain to her my mistake... can you believe that?

also at my apartment. i feel it while i’m doing my homework. when im washing the dishes. idk my roommate very well and i don’t like her tbh

but i’m working on it. everyday i’m working on it. i’m working on myself.

people scare me but i manage to make friends at school. yay.

death of my grandfather on my dad’s side.

death of my uncle

death of my grandfather on my mom’s side. love you tatay.

having no time to grieve any of these deaths bc nursing school took up almost all of my time.

came close to quitting nursing school bc of it. but i didn’t.

i failed to achieve my goal of losing weight. again. but that’s okay. i realized that i had the wrong reasons for wanting to lose weight. i will work on it and i will try again next year.

i missed my friends and family. which made me appreciate those relationships more.

gave myself the opportunity to be picky with the kind of people i wanted to surround myself with. i’m thankful for that.

took the time to look at the relationships i had and decided that it was time to end some of them, for my own well-being. that’s okay.

learned to cook. failed at times thank god for skip the dishes amiright

learned to love being alone. learned to love going out alone and taking myself to coffee dates. and just... appreciate me more.

goals for 2018

control my anxiety this is going to be so damn hard

lose weight. healthily. aim to be a distance runner outside. i hate gyms. but that harsh canadian winter weather tho

discipline discipline discipline is everything

finish work at school before i go home

have more patience with roommate

communicate better

continue to cook my own meals. and do my own chores.

sleep and wake up at a reasonable time!!

be a kinder person to others. be a kinder person to yourself. be a better person.

#if you read all of that you're the real mvp #also apologies for the hundreds of grammar mistakes #alsooo i tried to keep this short i really really did try #believe me when i say there was a longer version of this #anyways i did this just for myself bc i wanted to document what happened this year #mine #school diary #studyblr #studygram #nursing student #nursing school #filipino studyblr #filipinostudyblr

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troglobite · 5 years

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on top of everything my mom just keeps telling me how depressed she is

so i don’t wanna unload any of this on her, she already takes on ALL of my anxiety and discomfort w things and how much it sucks living in a different city and state so far away by myself it fucking SUCKS i hate it

i miss her i miss living in the pnw i wanna go back home asap

regardless, idk what to do to help her. i just want her to get a therapist herself.

and i can’t unload on her or talk to her abt this stuff.

she struggles w the same shit. her advice has never been good. ‘maybe you’ll never have a best friend, like me, and that’s okay!’

no, it’s not. you’re depressed and constantly talk abt being lonely. it’s not okay.

and my friends dont’ wanna hear this shit

then i’m just being ungrateful for having gotten the amazing offer i did at my top choice university for this program

they don’t wanna hear that i’m not enjoying any part of this

it’s a neat trick to know some old english

the people in poetry are generally nice and interesting

but my colloquium sucks

the work for my classes just sucks

and i have NOTHING related to my research interests

and the classes i wanna take next semester all have weird things that i won’t be able to juggle

i’m constantly overwhelmed

i HATE apartment living

i’m not made for this

but i have no one to talk to

except my new therapist

who i’m still trying to get the hang of

she’s younger than my therapist back home but she’s nice, but she uses SILENCE a lot. and idk how i feel abt that.

i feel uncomfortable and bad and like i have to fill in the silence or i’ve said something wrong or fucked up

and she asks me questions and i give long rambling answers that are bullshit bc i just feel like i have to talk

or, y’know, my main character trait which is to OVER explain EVERYTHING in my goddamn life

the number one thing that everyone hates me for and has always hated me for

and she’s being paid to put up with it

so i just

am really lonely and feel like there’s no one to talk to and nothing to do

i just wanna go home

i really really really really just want to FUCKING GO HOME

and all this shit i’ve been posting abt w dnd and all of this?

i’m terrified of being a prof/teacher now

nobody’s going to like me

that’s not the ultimate goal but i’m perceived as a woman, i’m queer, i’m trans, i’m mixed race, i’m short, i’m WEIRD--who’s going to listen to someone like me?

someone in my cohort already had a girl in her discussion group (she’s teaching this year, i’m not--again, i’m not allowed to complain abt anything, i only have three classes and i’m not teaching) who’s treating her like SHIT and won’t listen to anything she says

and i just

idk i don’t think that i can do this but i guess we’ll fucking find out maybe

i’m not allowed to complain and when i do it’s annoying and a burden and it’s overreacting and no one cares

no one cares abt the GOOD things in my life either

no one fucking cares

no one wants to hear it

no one gives a single solitary shit

i have NAMELESS AND FACELESS PEOPLE ON HERE AND TWITTER who give more of a shit abt fan obsessions or shit in my life than actual people in my life

people i haven’t seen irl in years who care a little bit but i’m 10000% sure it’s bc they don’t have to deal w me all the time

idk what i have to do in life to get someone to give ANY SHIT about ANYTHING in my life

who WANTS to hear about my day, or the things i love, or anything

every group conversation is always abt the things they love and like and have done and the things they’re struggling with

my friend who just got married and moved to another state is allowed to be depressed but i’m not i guess

i’m not allowed to be upset

i’m just not

no one cares no one wants to hear it

i just have to be there for everyone else and sometimes i do a terribel job of it anyway and they still end up resenting me

why am i so broken and fucked up why am i so stupid why am i so bad

i hate this i have fucking homework to do and it’s late and i STILL can’t fix my fucking sleep schedule like the fucking shit bag i am

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safyresky · 7 years

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11 Questions

@mellomadness tagged me in this fun ask game!! I’m too tired to think of questions so I’m just gonna answer yours and double tag the usuals which are @lovelypidge and @thewayhistoryiswritten bc I TAGGED U AGAIN FIRST HA

The rules, in case anyone was interested: ask ur own 11 questions after answering these and tag 11 people!

1: One song you could have on repeat forever?

Honey There’s a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet by Panic! At The Disco, or Bulletproof Heart by MCR!

2: Favourite hobby?

Writing!! It’s my only hobby, tbh. That and drawing as of late!! It’s fun to be able to draw the OC’s and their silly occasionally slightly OOC shenanigans

3: Opinion on shoes? Do you have a favourite pair? Why?

God damn I LOVE shoes, fave accessories, especially BOOTS!!!!! My favourite pair has to be either this brown pair of boots that have little slouchies and buckles, bc they remind me of Avatar Korra, or my newest pair of boots (I have not yet worn them bc it’s been so HOT) bc they’re really cute and I don’t have any cute ankle boots like this pair I just got!!!

4: Have you ever taken a class you though would be horrible but ended up enjoying it?

I went to England 2 years ago to take an archaeology program for the summer at the castle, and I thought I would hate the two courses it consisted of but I ended up LOVING THEM

I also had the opposite happen to me. I took Astronomy last year, thinking I would love it, and ended up HATING IT by the end bc of the Prof. I love me some space shit but got damn, that prof made the class dreadful

5: Favorite author/book?

Favourite author is a good one. I have a LOT. Terry Pratchett is fast becoming a fave, his humour is on POINT and so GOOD! Debbie Macomber has always been a fave, her books are honestly boring and just about life of people in towns but I love them!! They could be gayer, for sure, it’s. It’s very hetero, all of her books (and v catholic at times, she’s an old lady) but I’m fond of her writing style (even if it is heavily edited by the editor). Twenty Wishes was my favourite of them all, I think!

There’s also Mercedes Lackey who writes these PHENOMENAL fantasy romance series refereed to as the 500 Kingdoms Series, if I remember correctly, that take regular fairy tale tropes and throw them into a world where everyone is self-aware it’s a fairy tale, and play the system. It’s hard to explain but holy fuck I loved them and I lOVE her writing! Her humour is great as well :D

My all time favourite book series is the Poison Study series by Maria V. Snyder! They follow the adventures of a girl from a military anti-magic district who is actually from the magical district, and are about her journey back to the magical district, regaining he memories, finding her family, and uncovering a complex and dark magical conspiracy (for lack of a better term) that stretches all the way to the 4 high Magicians who run the Magical District. She wrote a second series but I haven’t yet read it through and such :)

I, uh, went out on a tangent but, uh, I don’t have 1 favourite I have like 10

6: Books, Movies or Graphic Novels?

Books!!! Movies are great too but I’m way too critical of them as of late (thanks English Lit Major) and with books, I enjoy visualizing it my way :)

7: Favourite Autumn drink?

Hot chocolate I guess, I’m not a fan of the pumpkin flavours and such (I am a very picky person flavour wise)

8: Very Important!!! Do you like Halloween?

YES!!! VERY MUCH!!! LIKE. A LOT. HOLY HECK!!!

9: Is there one person you could listen to talk forever and still love their voice? Like, could they read a phone book and you’d still listen as if they were reading you the most interesting story ever?

Hmmm...Brendon Urie probably, he’s got a nice fuckin voice holy heck his range??? god DAMN

Also Richard when he speaks Polish. His voice gets a scintilla deeper and it’s N I C E (it’s the same as his morning voice and I love it, it’s deep and soothing and sleepy)

10: Favourite YouTuber?

Thomas Sanders probably!!! I don’t watch youtube as much as most people do/as I use to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

11: Do you have a favourite sound from nature? (I.e.: Rain, crunching leaves, wind, etc…)

The crunch of snow under my boots, and that specific winter wind that blows through the leafless trees. It sounds so lovely and calm and I like it

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THANKS FOR THE TAG MELLO!!! @ all my lovely followers, feel free to do this as well!!! with whatever questions you want bc i am. too tired to think of new questions heh

#shush Dani #text #tag games #about me #THANK U FOR THIS MELLO!!!!#i swear i'm not biased at winter bc of my ocs and cs and such #i just really love the season #i always have and always will #it's so clean and sparkling and magical af #long post

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