#this stupid parody show is ruining my brain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

immaturityofthomasastruc · 27 days

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One of my main problems with miraculous is the main villain and how little he’s actually doing in story most of the time

Gabriel never truly gains the own self claimed rivalry he has with ladybug, she ruins he’s plans but in most encounters he just sends minions and someone else screws up (all Akumas being very dumb or guillable, a new hero appearing or the heroes genuinely beating him fair and square) like when he used all miraculous and got himself stunned for overusing ALL miraculous like a idiot

Ladybug never truly defeated Hawkmoth (I’m heroes day she needed back up and he ran away, in sentibug he and Mayura ran away, same for miracle queen, her amulets were useless against mega Akumas, she lose the miraculous to Felix, escaped again by cataclysm himself and we all now how the final battle ended) her only wins against him (not a Akuma or goon, HIM) are getting the bunny miraculous back and in one of the world specials in which she had lots and lots of help

Series’s which last more than three seasons has their heroes constantly facing the villain because otherwise the foe will feel nonexistent after they only see it a couple of times in 72 episodes!

They never feel like foes, there’s examples of good villains like this like the emperor which has this constant presence and power and he’s made even better in the prequels when he appears unchanged but has a lot more involvement in the story at the end, just like Gabriel should (starts the events but in the end he triggers the most important things and brings it all to a climax) the problem is how incompetent he is (so he can’t be a master planner) and how weak he’s been portrayed has after season 2, went from beating the main two alone and without a weapon, to losing against POWERLESS TEENAGERS WITH CONDIMENTS WHEN HAVING TWO MIRACULOUS, ONE OF WHICH IS CREATION ITSELF!!! (so he can’t be threatening by power) and Nathalie is the actual brains of the operation making him look incompetent,weak and stupid all at the same time

A villain with a grudge like Gabriel’s would be constantly figthing agaisnt the heroes and losing by ability of the heroes and not by luck

Heroes constantly chasing after him, heroes he has a genuinely hard time facing, heroes who make him lose things (like going to prison, losing Allie’s, losing the Mcguffin, hurting someone beloved to the bad guy like a right hand)

Gabriel can work has villain, but not one who has a obsession like the Joker, or someone you can feel the hate coming from like Eggman, not even a rival’s who have a long story like Bowser

Because by all accounts he shouldn’t care about the heroes, only their miraculous, ladybug has only pushed he’s plans back but never succeeded at even making him lose something

That’s my other problem, Gabriel acts like ladybug won the war when in reality she had only wan battles, but never made any progress (Gabriel was actually the one winning the war with getting rid of the guardian and damning Chloe and having the zodiac miraculous)

He does the bare minimum, is portrayed has a easy to beat trash, the heroes do nothing to beat him making him constantly somewhat win the important battles by doing nothing, and it never feels like there’s a real rivalry or fiendship

Even shows 10 times worse than miraculous Can do actually good villains, even parody’s can make better villains, even telenovelas can make better villains!!!!

Honestly, the show should have just booted Gabriel from the main villain spot by the end of Season 3, maybe Season 4, because at this point, he's long overstayed his welcome, even if he wasn't a complete moron.

I said the Biggest Idiot Award was lifted from Phelous' reviews of Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, but there's one clip in particular that can be used to explain how inept both the heroes and villains are.

Like you said, the finale clearly tried to make the final battle between Bug Noire and Monarch as epic as possible, like Superman vs Lex Luthor, but Marinette and Gabriel have spent so little time together, you just can't get invested in their supposedly bitter rivalry. Even the finale made a bigger deal about their connection being their respective relationships with Adrien instead of their roles as hero and villain.

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #gabriel agreste #hawkmoth #hawk moth #monarch

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josiebelladonna · 3 months

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cooking is such an emotional endeavor, perhaps more than art and writing. i think i’m just going to stop sharing my food with everyone because it’s obvious that no one cares.

i genuinely hated this movie, and it irritates me how Twitter stans the hell out of it, but this whole thing reminds me of “don’t look up.” everyone caring more about petty bullshit that has zero relevance on anything than any real threats or anything that might be enlightening or helpful.

this is complete horse shit. for years, since 2015, facebook has left me out to dry and i’m done. i am fucking DONE.

i could tell everyone to shut the fuck up about your precious taylor swift already but they’re not going to listen: seriously, any time i see anything about her now, i think the same thing: “who the fuck cares?! no one should care about this as much as they do, this is so stupid!!”. i could say that your precious gazans all have copies of mein kampf in their houses but they’re not going to care: if anything, they’re going to argue with me. “free palestine” is about as brain-dead as they come.

i’m not even going to go anywhere near taylor anymore. i’ve blocked all the palestine tags (but i still look for palestinian voices who actually want to do something). you are all ruining feminism by being antisemitic, anti-israel, and screaming about taylor swift’s haters. you have killed feminism, actually. it’s beyond a parody of itself now: it’s dead. it’s fucking dead. i know it’s dead because i can’t use it to stand up against sexist metalheads who threw me out for being a girl.

and i’m going to let them all starve instead.

no. you didn’t give a shit when i showed you a dish i was proud of and handed you a recipe for the hell of it. you didn’t give a shit when i shared you my poetry or a story i was proud of (or worse, you patronized me and told me it’s probably not good enough). and you really didn’t give a shit when testament shared my art twice. when the nukes fall out of the sky and our country stares down oblivion at this next election and h*mas comes for us all… no. you all can choke on it.

#text

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jambeast · 2 years

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Longpost

Tumblr is a funny place

Okay so you have to understand why I thought this was a parody, right? I didn’t know people even said that kind of thing anymore.

Anonymous asked:

Kill yourself

Would rather not

Anonymous asked:

white little fuck. I hope you get shot and get a taste of the misery you give to all other people on earth.

I think I make a lot of people very happy!

Anonymous asked:

Just sitting in your little echo chamber covering your eyes. One day you will be forced to listen and see. And I hope the agony you feel then is strong enough to stop your heart.

That last line is quite poetic, I’ll give you that.

Anonymous asked:

ppl don’t like taika waititi bc he’s fucking anti-black. It’s well documented. He’s racist as fuck. But fangirlies only listen to each other, Tiktok and Instagram ig.

I don’t really care to investigate that much but, like, is there any evidence other that isn’t really, really, really insubstantial? You have to forgive me for not trusting your judgement, or the specific tumblr posts that list his crimes. You gotta make a Persuasive Argument for that!

Anonymous asked:

Just went through your blog and oh my god. You have got to be some conservative far right psyop bc if you’re genuinely leftist and against racism and for LGBTQ+ rights, you are painfully stupid.

I don’t call myself a ‘Leftist’ - I call myself Left-ish. Big difference!

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

Anonymous asked:

Die

I appreciate the dedication

Anonymous asked:

Pedophile. Die.

Anonymous asked:

Antisemite. Die.

Anonymous asked:

Nazi apologist. Die.

Anonymous asked:

Racist. Die.

Would You Care To Substantiate Your Accusation

Anonymous asked:

“the last principled liberal” LMAOOOOO HOW ARE YOU THIS CLUELESS??

Would you care to clue me in to what you think it is I’m missing, exactly?

Anonymous asked:

always in good faith huh. Might wanna recheck that part. Unless it’s sarcasm idk it’s hard to tell over text but tbh you’ve done a pretty shit job of that

What do you think good faith means?

Anonymous asked:

Hey anon from earlier before. Well you said grovel not me lmao but now that we’re here. Grovel. Get on your hands and knees and suck me from the back. Then press your face into the muddy earth and leave an imprint of your indignity. And once you’re done with that, bite your fingers and tongue off and bleed in the dirt.

[In reference to This Post] Kinky. This reads like the kind of thing that would get that one person mad about it being allowed to be hosted on AO3. You’re glorifying violence! Sexual violence, even! Well I for one support your freedom to be a pervert on the internet.

Anonymous asked:

glad you think it’s funny lol

Yeah haha

Anonymous asked:

you can pretend to not be bothered. You can even convince yourself. But you’re brain will echo the words, and like it or not they will affect you, as words do. And the bit of me left in your brain will keep saying it until the day you die.

These reads like the last words of a vengeful AI trapped in a bottle. But like, please, try and look at this from an outside perspective. You -have- to be able to see, on some level, how pathetic this looks.

Anonymous asked:

The confidence that there’s only one person out there that hates you so much they want you dead lmao….wake up sis

I’m sure I’ve gotten anon hate from more than one person before. But I’m preeeeeetty confident that this particular streak is at least 90% you. If you want to impersonate a crowd you have to, like, mix up your writing styles. Mix up your angle.

Anonymous asked:

Go ahead. Report me. You can’t. And I’ll come back.

No these are really funny.

Anonymous asked:

I hope it did ruin it

[In reference to This Post] Well the way you would ruin it is by being a parody? I’m not sure if you understand what I was getting at there.

Anonymous asked:

“show how dumb those sjw are” lmao. I can literally feel how rancid you are from here. Let me guess. You are a cis het white person, and you just HATE that you can’t say slurs and talk about “those blacks” and the “faggots” and the like. If I’m wrong, you might wanna fix up your image babygirl.

You have a very vivid imagination. Plus, I don’t see anything wrong with the image of a cis het white person! They’re okay, just like every other combination of genders, sexualities and ethnicities :)

Anonymous asked:

I’ll keep coming back, don’t worry.

Looking forward to it.

Anonymous asked:

someday, whatever force you believe in, be it nature or karma, will catch up with you. I can be patient.

Almighty God read my tumblr blog and is Really Fucking Angry about my opinion on the movie 300.

Alright that wraps it up for tonight.

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rise-my-angel · 11 months

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I know season 8 is the big dumpster fire one and it truly is terrible. But honestly, I think season 7 is a worst season by far. Season 8 is so openly dumb that everyone can find at least 5 major things they agree is insane, illogical and show ruining.

But season 7 is so bad in so many not easily detectable ways that its offensive to my brain. Every character is suddenly a prop and is just bumbling around from scene to scene hoping that eventually they find a line of dialouge that wasn't forged in a pile of human excrement. Any good will the previous season set up, it completely pile drives over and shoves big set pieces at you hoping that you forget that all of it makes no sense. Its a pretty, fancy season with good cinematography and JUST enough dialouge to point at and go "see it wasnt all bad" even though the list of not dogshit things in the season is about 3 short bullet points that all say "shiny action scene".

I cannot get through an episode of season 7 without stopping to have a brain aneurysm whereas at least season 8 is so stupid that I can just watch it as a fucking parody.

You could honestly name me any moment you think is good from season 7 and I can find like 3 things about it that break the scene in its entirety. It's wild how bad it is.

#game of thrones #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire

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watch-grok-brainrot · 3 years

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CHANGSU

(to the tune of Disney's Gaston from Beauty & the Beast)

I blame @mathi-cql and @merelhyn. They wanted crack in this fandom. and @hippity-hoppity-brigade for sprinting with me so I could actually sit down and do this. <3

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Changsu Looking so feeble and frail. Every guy here'd love to help you, Changsu Even by giving their blood. There's no man in Jiangzuo as revered as you You're everyone's favorite guy Everyone's awed and inspired by you And it's not very hard to see why!

No one's sick as Changsu No one's quick as Changsu No one's skin’s as incredibly thick as Changsu For there's no man in town half as cunning Perfect, a pure paragon You can ask any Jingrui or Yujin And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one's keen like Changsu Barely seen like Changsu No one's great at spoiling birthday scenes like Changsu As a gremlin, yes, I'm aggravating My, what a guy, that Changsu

Give five hurrahs Give twelve hip-hips Changsu is the best And the rest will not protest

No one plots like Changsu Won’t get caught like Changsu In the past no one was as hot as Changsu For there's no one as brainy and brilliant As you see I've got brain cells to spare Not a bit of him's simple or stupid That's right And every last bit of me was covered with hair

No one schemes like Changsu Ruins dreams like Changsu In a little chat no one hides as many things as Changsu I'm especially good at callous gaslighting (Sorry, Jingyan)

Ten points for Changsu! When I was a lad I tamed horses all day Every morning to show how it’s done And now that I'm back, I sit and read all day Because my foes have nowhere to run!

No one lies like Changsu Destroys family ties like Changsu Then collapses and almost dies like Changsu I use braziers even on warm summer evenings

[for a parody of the film version] My what a guy! CHANGSU!

[for a parody of the soundtrack version] Say it again Who's a man among men And then say it once more Who's the head chief next door Who's a super success Don't you know? Can't you guess? Ask his fans and his five hangers-on There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down

And his name's MEI, as in plum MEI, as in plum, CHANG MEI, as in plum, CHANGSU CHANGSU

#nirvana in fire #crack #nif #lang ya bang #lyb #my crack #my writing so help me #mei changsu #edited because i found better lyrics #edited again to try to make it more sing-able

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naivesilver · 3 years

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Is there any of the shitty Pinocchio adaptations that you think are bad but you still enjoy in how stupid and/or weird they are?

WELL. Well. Yes and no?

For one, almost all of the adaptations I despise have at least a tiny little something that I would save - that makes me mourn the fact we didn't get a better story built around it, even. Emperor of the Night, arguably the worst Pinocchio movie of all time, had this very peculiar theme of Pinocchio as a tool in the fight between good and evil that I would have KILLED for in any other instance; the Disney movie, for all its flaws, at least made the franchise known and gave us a very endearing Pinocchio/Lampwick combo; even the shittiest, cheapest cartoons were extremely entertaining for their intended audience.

Aside from that, though, I have a hard time enjoying the adaptations I complain about the most as a whole, because their mistakes are too glaringly obvious for me to ignore. (That's an issue on my part, bear in mind, not in theirs.) However, there are other, weirdly niche things I've seen that I know would be terrible if I were to put aside my personal taste. Blame childhood nostalgia, drunk rewatches, you name it. Life is already so goddamn weird, there's no point in pretending I only like good stuff and have never cried laughing in front of awful media.

Among them are, in no particular order:

Fairy Tale Police Department

Think Once Upon A Time, but it's an early 2000s low budget cartoon that most people have (rightfully) forgotten. The core cast is a team of detectives tasked with making sure fairy tales get their happy endings - they save Pinocchio from being turned into firewood on the very first episode, and after that he becomes their sort of...little helper? Funny sidekick? No one really knows.

Guys, he's so fucking annoying. He's literally the stupidest character on screen, second only to the male deuteragonist whose main personality trait is to flirt with anything that breathes. He doesn't do anything of use - they don't even take him on investigations except by accident (literally, I still remember that one episode where he was being so bothersome they sent him to clean the patrol car and then took the fucking car because they'd forgotten he was there. Child labor laws WHEN). I physically cringe every time he steps on the scene...

...but I grew up with that cartoon, so tragically, I got attached. 5yo had two crushes on that show - one was the vaguely butch female detective who took names and kicked ass, and the other was Pinocchio, because even then I had my priorities straightened out. I'll go to my grave knowing that among an endless flood of amazing characters (the Three Little Piglets were part of a MOB, for God's sake), I looked at a fastidious child and went "I want that one". Sigh.

Pinocchio (2002)

THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE...This movie has ruined my every chance to be perceived as a proper film enthusiast forever again - I love it and I hate in equal measures, and I will NEVER recover from its influence.

Can you believe that this was the most expensive Italian movie ever made???? I can't wrap my head around it. Roberto Benigni went and asked for an outrageous budget, and those people GAVE IT TO HIM, knowing that in this movie no one playing a child would be under the age of 30, that Nicoletta Braschi would have the role of her balding husband's mother, and that all the additional Lampwick-and-Pinocchio screentime would be used to add weird homosexual vibes to the entire plot. Tangerine lollipops have been ruined forever, from my perspective.

Unfortunately, it's book accurate to a fault, down to the actors' accents, and it's clear it was a passion project, so I can't write it down in my personal Pinocchio Death Note. I wish I could, sometimes, though. Benigni in flowery ledehosen is a picture that's seared forever into my brain.

Huey, Dewey and Louie in "The Adventures of Pinocchio"

Allow me to be Italian on main for five minutes more. This one was published in multiple parts on Topolino comic books during the 90s, as part of the endless list of Disney parodies of famous movies/shows/books, and to call it weird would be an euphemism.

Basically, it's the book Pinocchio, but with a futuristic twist: Huey, Dewey and Louie play the titular character, except they're...robots? That want to become human?? And again, it follows Collodi's story, but the Disney characters play their book counterparts for some reason, and Gladstone plays Lampwick??? And the Cricket is a sentient traffic light with arms and legs????

Honestly, I wish I was exaggerating. But then again, it's almost impossible not to appreciate an adaptation that goes apeshit to this level. It's so ballsy it does a 360° and becomes great. What the fuck.

#anonymous #pinocchio #there are probably more but atm I don't think I could come up with anything better #ftpd my beloved #my kindergarten best friend probably remembers it as well #because of me and me only

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gyromitra-esculenta · 4 years

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So, I’m going to upload the stuff i’ve been up to in the meantime.

Snow White variant 2. Crack. Fairytale parody, I guess.

According to the library shelf usually frequented by the gaggle of the most irritating and incessantly giggly ladies-in-waiting, it was a fool-proof method of meeting a prince charming. Half-way up the hill, Gabriel was willing to reconsider.

Especially with his hair plastered with sweat to his forehead and the coffin swaying dangerously on the rock it was leaning on as he eyed his destination with deep-seated disdain. He should have picked something closer and forgone the dramatically scenic cliffs.

Or, maybe, enlist the oafish imbecile's help as a draft animal to lug the contraption because there was no other thing he had ever been useful but his brutish strength in the most mundane and common tasks like digging the field, bringing the game back home, or wrangling wyverns.

Scratch that, the wyverns were gaining in size rapidly now, and the wrangling went more often than not the other way round, and, what Jack so obviously failed to understand with his lacking brains, one only had to keep consistency. The wyverns had never bothered Gabriel.

There was also that dragon skull Jack had dragged back to the cottage. And all the times he chopped the firewood because someone had to be there to watch out for the moment he would finally put the ax in his leg - definitely the only reason Gabriel ever paid any attention to it.

The current thread of thought focusing entirely on all the ways the buffoon was liable to chop one of his limbs off (and this was the hill Gabriel was willing to die on, except maybe for the one he was standing on now) was cut short by Ripper’s happy barks.

The stinking turncoat passed him again, umpteenth time possibly, and turned around to sniff at a solitary rosebush. The bush passed the hellhound's brief inspection. Ripper turned, raised its leg, and peed. The rosebud bush immediately went up in flames.

Gabriel glared. The beast could at least pretend to be helping. Slowly, he maneuvered around the coffin since pushing no longer worked, grappled with it for a second as it threatened to slide, and started pulling. At last, it moved - no matter the small stone avalanche.

And no matter the small fluffy bunny frightened by it out of its hiding spot Ripper just had for a snack. Good riddance, one less pest for the idiot to gripe about when talking about his tomatoes. That last part Gabriel mimed drawing on years of experience with the stage.

Finally, after another hour of forcefully bargaining with the powers of gravity and proud of his achievement, Gabriel fell to the grass. There was nothing more between him and the kiss the books promised, he only had to regain a bit of his strength to get up.

Ripper, who seemed to interpret his position as the invitation for a different kind of kisses, had provided the additional motivation, and the slobber with the faint sulfuric aroma was not helping the situation at all. Gabriel regarded the coffin with an apprising look.

Everything looked perfect, he even brought a pillow since the narrative instructions usually included sleeping - so some waiting time was warranted. He slid the lid partially off the coffin.

"Stay," Gabriel mumbled at Ripper, who tilted its head with the dumb animal curiosity.

Definitely couldn't be trusted to actually listen to any instructions given but maybe - maybe - it would get distracted with something small and running for its life again. Or go bother the oaf for some scraps. Ripper was getting quite round on the edges, anyway.

Gabriel climbed into the coffin, fluffed the pillow, secured the latch, and found more or less comfortable position (in retrospection, should have thought about some blanket because the hard wood was anything but comfy) with his hands crossed over his chest.

With the sun still high in the sky, it soon became nice and warm, and Gabriel drifted into light sleep easily - only to be woken up by the persistent thumping noise of someone banging on the glass lid. Through the fogged glass the figure made the impression of being agreeable.

Blond and tall, Gabriel groggily thought not stopping to ponder about the banging, at least not until there was a loud crash and he shot up banging his forehead hard on the lid in the process and fell back to the pillow while a hand rooted inside the coffin for the latch.

After the lid had been shoved off to the side, and as the sounds indicated, shattered completely, Gabriel stared accusingly at Jack.

"I have glass in my hair, and you are responsible, you oaf."

Jack only inhaled slowly and gripped the edge of the coffin while leaning down.

Which meant he was going to have one of his unreasonable conniptions about nothing of a matter.

"Airholes. You forgot airholes."

"How did you even get here?" Gabriel pouted, picking the shards out of his hair.

"Your ravens were screaming their beaks off. And there was pecking involved. A lot of pecking."

And without the doubt, the whole flock was sitting on the tree, with Huginn and Muninn on the highest perch available. Feathered turncoats, all of them.

Thinking of it, wasn't it time to replace his coat? That would show them. Gabriel was sure they were all snickering at him under their beaks right now.

"You ruined my kiss."

"You want me to kiss you?" Jack blinked with pure stupid written on his face plain as day.

That flutter in Gabriel's stomach was, without any doubt, the revulsion he felt at the mere thought of smacking lips with the simpleton.

"Absolutely not!"

"Yeah," Jack looked to the side, "that's what I thought. I wouldn't like to kiss you either. Ew," he tacked on at the end. It hurt, a little bit.

"Good!" Gabriel ground out with narrowed eyes.

"Good!" Jack turned and started walking down the slope. Without a moment's pause, Ripper got up and started following him with a noticeable excited skip in his trot.

All the ravens slowly turned their heads to stare at Gabriel.

As soon as Jack disappeared behind the treeline, Muninn opened its beak and intoned: "Idiot."

The rest of the flock joined in. Yes, he really needed that new cloak, right now.

#sometimes I write #edgiestfairytale!au #r76 #reaper76 #crack

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italicwatches · 6 years

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GAMERS! Episode 03

Okay, sliding back towards center. It’s GAMERS!, episode 03! Here we GO!

-Opening! And what comes with an opening? Why, game references out the complicated love shape, of course! Number two on our list, a wild looking side scrolling shooter, can only be one thing… Gradius? No, Parodius! Konami’s long-running shmup series, it is a literal parody of their main shooters and other such franchises, notably Gradius and to some degree its chief competition in the market, R-Type. Gradius, and thus Parodius, are known well for the power-up bar system, where each power-up item you get moves the selector one section up the bar. You can get things like speed-ups and options and powerful weaponry, but be careful, because one wrong move and you might lose it all…And one bad combination, or one too many Speed Ups, could spell your doom! Also they haven’t made a new one that’s an actual game and not pachislot since, uhhhh…1997! Congratulations, Parodius, your newest actual game is old enough to drink the pain away. Konami: Ruining childhood dreams they themselves built, since 1969.

-DAY 03: Hoshinomori Chiaki and StreetPass Communication

-We begin in the morning, with a young lady having to keep her short skirt from showing her panties to us the viewer. Gotta be careful, lass. Then it’s to Keita, switching to his inside shoes, when Tasuku comes up…And he’s not super happy. The hell was that free-to-play game, man?! It sucks and just wants his money! And how the hell does a horror game turn into a fishing game exactly? And the ending was shit! Tasuku even slams his hand into the wall next to Keita’s head…

-They’re parodies, Tasuku, parodies! That’s the joke! Also all the girls are seeing stylish tough guy Tasuku having scrawny small nerd boy Keita pinned to the wall and are starting to ogle. And the farce continues to build.

-Once they’re in class, Keita admits that yeah, the games that guy makes are kind of…a mess, looked at straightforwardly. They’re fun because the bad parodies are funny, like mocking a crappy movie, you know? It’s like a matter of the heart! A single virgin does not get to compare things to matters of the heart with a guy who’s actively dating. …Harsh, Tasuku. Very harsh. And have you even done anything with her?!

-Um er well you see THAT’S NOT THE POINT how are things with you and Karen? Because she wants you bad. He’s…Not really had the chance to get into any real contact with her…Are you dumb or just stupid, Keita? Reach out you damned fool. Don’t just keep passing her by…

-Passing her by…You mean like StreetPass on his 3DS? Is this a comedy routine or are you just that dense?! And then Keita’s got another assistance request from Mono-san. Hold that thought he’s gotta bail out his comrade. Fine. Fine, but think about what he said.

-And so back to MMOs, as Tasuku notices that Keita’s username is “Tsucchie”, which has no connection to anything but sounds like a real-person nickname, not a username…Yeah, it’s actually from his mother’s maiden name, Tsuchiyama. He doesn’t like using anything connected to his real name, but didn’t want something too chuuni, so he just took that and simplified it down to Tsucchie, or Yama-san when they want something less cutesy. So who’s Mono there?

-Longtime MMO friend. They’ve been guild bros since practically his first day in the game! Uh huh. Well, Tasuku’s gonna have to work on this if he wants to get to watch a farce…You’ve got a lot of work to do if you’re gonna get anywhere with Karen. You’re right, he does suck. …Okay quit that. You just need to get out of this loner mode of thinking. YOU ARE SO KIND TASUKU!

-So, first way to start is by learning how to be more comfortable around young ladies…And their best in for that is gonna be what you’re passionate about! Which means they need a girl who’s into RPGs and weird parody games and shit…

-But, BAM! Right after school, Tasuku takes Keita over to another class…And bam, Hoshinomori Chiaki. Another loner who needs a friend. Keita protests, not liking the idea of sorta hitting on this girl. Too bad, Tasuku decided already. Now GET YO ASS IN THERE.

-And that’s when Aguri finds them and Tasuku you were going to spend time with her today, not your uke! Right. So he’s got to go, and you’d better make it happen, Keita! Fare thee well~

-Which is about when Keita realizes he’s been standing in the doorway long enough that people are noticing. And then his stomach lets out an unpleasant rumble. Oh dear.

-And then we’re where we left off with yesterday’s after credits scene. With Karen having a giddy haze, and then Eiichi from the club spotting Keita and hey, what’s up? Did you need Karen? Karen’s head pops up because KEITA WHAT WHERE, but Keita awkwardly claims he’s got no business with her and Karen just turns to stone. Oh, that is painful. This whole scene is gonna be rocky, isn’t it? (OH GOD THE PUNS ARE COMING OUUUUUT)

-So she crumbles to dust, and is blown away by a mournful wind, as Keita admits he’s here to talk to that girl over there…Oh, and he steps in the dust that once was Karen, for a scene that makes absolutely zero literal sense but tons of metaphorical logic, as he makes it over to Chiaki’s desk, and she…Has no idea he’s there. She’s too busy playing her PZ Vivio with her headphones in.

-Karen, recovering from her brief time as a symbol of the folly of man and the decaying powers of time immemorial, tries to get Keita’s attention…And hears it right from him that he’s here to see a girl. Ouch. B-But knowing you, it’s something managerial, some class business or something, surely! Right? TELL HER SHE’S RIGHT KEITA SHE NEEDS THIS.

-Nope he’s here to…Fuck it, all in. To work up the courage to come here and make friends with this girl as a fellow RPG lover!

-Guys I think Karen just died.

-And then Keita catches her when she collapses and EVERYONE GOES WILD, as Karen tries to get out a word, any word, and finally calls him a sleaze ball before fleeing at top speed!

-And Chiaki finally looks up and realizes things have happened and oh god there’s a strange boy looking at her what to do what to do?! She shrinks away as small as she can, in raw unyielding fear of the unknown…And that’s when he sees that she’s playing Aegis VIII. Aegis Vee plus Aegis Three equals…Aegis Eight! Aegis In Space! (Did I stretch for that Simpsons reference? Yes! Do I care? No.)

-But she realizes that he knows the game and that short-circuits the fear of Boys into just plain old confusion…Which soon leads to them at the bus stop. At far, opposite ends of the bench, as he finally introduces himself properly. And she’s…Oh she’s a nervous wreck and this conversation is totally dead, but she can only assume that he’s in the game club and is here to recruit her like Karen and Eiichi!

-Wait wait wait, he’s not in the game club! You’re not? He’s not. Oh. She, she went to watch one day when Karen invited her, but…

-But it wasn’t what you wanted at all? It was the same for him! They’re cool, but way too intense, right? Yes! She doesn’t want to be the best at anything, she just wants to have fun! YES! And Chiaki’s face finally comes out of shadow, as the two clasp hands, realizing they have finally found kindred spirits…!

-Over the next few days, the two became close friends, exchanging numbers and hanging out. They even got on a first-name basis, which isn’t nothing. They were even secretly texting in class…All as Karen watched, turning more and more into a horrifying little goblin of misery and woe…

-But then, THEN! They had a moment, of shared gushing over the Aegis series. And the best part of that series is, same time now…

-The music!

-The characters!

-A rift has opened between them. As they both suddenly feel so deeply, deeply betrayed.

-Commercial break!

-And we’re back! It’s after class and Tasuku is hearing how Keita got into a huge argument with Chiaki. Over games. Over philosophies! Shut the hell up with that overwrought bullshit. And he admits that she was far more of an actual friend than him…Oh don’t give him that. What happened?

-She…She said games don’t need appealing moe characters to be good! Are you stupid or just an idiot, Keita? He doesn’t care if she’s a cute girl who kind of looks like the Curse Freak from the much-beloved Satchél Creatures series, he will never compromise on this! So idiot, then. But fine, fine, take a few deep breaths and you two can talk it over calmly later. Okay? Don’t let a good friendship go because of this one little—

-Hard cut to the argument staring anew! Keita think of how the industry has already taken moe too far! There’s lolicon and imoutos in what were once mainstream games now! The foreign game industries are running laps around them with cinematic stories and tightly polished gameplay! The force of moe is stifling Japanese game development, you narrow-minded shrimp!

-Hold on there! Haven’t you ever played a foreign game and wished it had cute girls, instead of roid-chomping muscle men working for the military?! You…You seaweed head!

-WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER YOU MOTHERFU—

-Tasuku cuts in, argument stops now or he starts cracking skulls. How is it that Tasuku now feels like the only sane man? I assume we are only two, maybe three episodes tops from Gakuto being the only person with a rational thought in his FPS-addled brain. The only question in my mind is whether it’ll be because of actual logic, or because things have devolved so far that “teabag them all and let God sort it out” becomes a sensible approach to the situation.

-Anyways Tasuku wants these two idiots to just chill the fuck out and get along, they clearly care about each other…And Chiaki gets all blushy about the idea and Keita thinks she’s getting a crush on Tasuku like all the other girls. So you’ll fawn over a stylish, handsome guy like Tasuku here, but won’t accept moe?! What kind of hypocrite are you?!

-Hey. HEY. Tasuku cuts that all down. Everyone cool your fuckin’ jets. And don’t go making shit personal. …Even if Keita really is a shrimp.

-But soon he’s making them both sit down and, hey, Chiaki, weren’t you talking about where you were in the new Aegis game? …She was in the elven hideout…

-That’s where Keita just got to this morning! It’s one of the best maps yet! The look, the layout, the way they show off the elvish hatred for humanity! Yeah, yeah! Chiaki gets all hype again as her anger fizzles in the wake of getting to talk about her new favorite game with someone who gets it…

-But the best part for Keita and the worst part for Chiaki is the downright lewd pose of the elf girl in the center! Everyone else in the room promptly takes their chance to run like hell, as the argument starts right back up…! But Tasuku is on the ball this time, and cuts it right off, and can’t you both just fucking let this shit go?!

-You don’t get it! Actual quote: “We’re lonely gamers with nothing but our inflated egos.” Okay first of all Keita I fucking saw you just subtweet me right there, and second

-Of course, both of them consider this compromise simply UNACCEPTABLE…But for Tasuku, the worst part is that Aguri is on the other side of the locked door, giving him the horrifying-little-goblin face. Damn, she’s got an intense aura. Okay, time to call it short. You two have good hearts, don’t let one disagreement wreck a good thing. And Chiaki, don’t let Keita’s shit get to you. You’re cute in your own way. The messy-hair thing works for you. And now Chiaki doesn’t know what to do and Aguri is about to shatter this door with her sheet wrath and fury.

-So, okay, they’re all gamer buddies now, right? They should enjoy it. And Keita realizes how much this looks like a romance between these two, as Tasuku idly comments that if Chiaki does want a change, maybe she could try the short-haired look? She’s got the face for it, and she’d look cute as hell with it! Oh god that damned idiot…Because over at the door, Aguri has collapsed much like Karen earlier.

-Speaking of Karen, she and Eiichi are over at the window, watching this whole proceeding…And she needs to know what kind of relationship those two have! Eiichi has no idea but they seem to get along really well. OH GOD THEY GET ALONG REALLY WELL?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! He has no idea please quit shaking him.

-Cut to Tasuku and Aguri walking home, and Tasuku notices how quiet Aguri is…And has to try and figure out how to explain what she saw. He was mediating a fight between two friends, is all. And Aguri gets all down, because she feels she’s being lied to, and the only thing she doesn’t know is if her boyfriend is leaving her for a weird nerdy girl, or a weird nerdy guy. Oh dear…

-Cut over to Keita writing up a post on that least parody game. Which was fun, but maybe played it a bit too safe…Still, he posts a positive comment. One that gets noticed by the creator and gets a thanks sent his way! But something seems off for him…

-The next day after class, Tasuku’s more stylish friends are wanting to figure out this rumor of this really cute girl that just showed up in school out of nowhere, and Tasuku’s trying to figure out who the hell it could be…He didn’t hear about any transfers, so did someone pull off a weekend makeover…? Keita comes up and hey, want to go hang out? He would, but he’s waiting for Aguri. …Is something up, Keita?

-He’s…Worried about Tasuku and Aguri. What? Why? Tasuku doesn’t even think Keita knows Aguri…But before that subject can go any further, up come footsteps, and a very nervous Chiaki who has gotten a redo into being the bluenette from the OP and ED! And Tasuku stares, as a crowd starts forming, and Keita is the one who realizes it. That specific way it curls, like dried seaweed. WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU MOTHERFUCKER

-And Tasuku realizes oh shit it’s Chiaki. And she suddenly looks…Really cute. And oh jeez. He just got himself into a mess, didn’t he. If Aguri finds out what he said led to this…

-Of course Aguri hears it and has a freakout so bad she turns into a sketch. And Keita quietly realizes he’s in hell…But also he sees Aguri stagger off and oh jeez, as he steps away to go make sure she’s okay. And Tasuku realizes several seconds later, as Keita is off looking for Aguri who managed to pull a runner…When he runs into Karen! Karen great timing! OH GOD KEITA um er that is hi. S-She’s sorry for her misunderstanding about the other day and, um…

-Huh? Never mind that, time is of the essence. Have you seen Aguri?

-Do you just like making her suffer? Are you into S&M, is that it? Should she get one of those masks with the zippers?

-But, she saw a ditzy, cute pink-haired girl looking deeply depressed and heading for the entrance and wait tell her, exactly, why you’re looking for this girl! Relationship drama thanks bye! And Karen collapses in Keita’s absence…

-When Keita catches up to Aguri at her locker and oh, it’s the weird guy who wants to fuck Tasuku. Wait WHAT that’s not…Okay. Okay never mind. Listen. …Do you want to go have tea?! And Aguri is very, very confused, even as they end up at a little cafe, and Keita wonders when the hell this became his life, hitting on every girl around him… (YOU DAMNED FOOL CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU)

-Of course, it’s VERY awkward at this cafe, as Aguri is down in the dumps and just making bubbles in her drink. And Keita tries to talk to her about what she saw and what happened. But her Tasuku said that bluenette was super cute! If he’s even her Tasuku anymore…Yeah, but that wasn’t…It’s not…He’s not into her like that. Besides, he was just talking about you and how cute you are. He definitely has strong feelings for you! just give him a chance to explain and clear the air, and Keita promises you, it’ll work out…

-And Aguri starts to perk up, as she decides to go get a fresh drink, feeling all warm and bubbly again…And Keita just relaxes at last, as he pops out his phone and sees an MMO event. Well, maybe he’ll jump into some battles, invite Mono-san, and just be able to clear his head, let everything go back to normal…When he hears the sound of a tray hitting the ground.

-And finds Aguri just standing there, locked up. Because across the street, Tasuku and Chiaki are all cuddled up WHAT THE FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU

-Credits!

UUUUUUUUUUUU

#where I watch #recap #gamers!#anime

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30-days-of-exciting-stuff-blog · 7 years

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Day 2 - Rick and Morty [Series]

I just finished this series and I’m still wondering what’s not to love about it. Seriously. And that doesn’t have anything to do with my obsessive bias towards adult animated series.

Seriously. I could write enthusiastic posts about all of you guys. That’s unfair.

Rick and Morty was based on a Back to the Future parody (hence the teenage protagonist being called Morty), except it involves self-aware rebellious dogs, parasites implanting fake memories into people’s heads, and traveling inside human bodies (which terribly reminded me of the edutainment program that, according to my mother, made me want to become a biologist… except this time there was a Jurassic Park-style amusement park in the body, which quickly becomes more of a corpse).

Not sure if I’d prefer my body to be inhabited by monster viruses or by red cells lecturing other red cells about my internal organs.

The series is centered around an adorkable 14-year-old, Morty Smith, who constantly finds himself dragged into sci-fi trips around the multiverse by Rick Sanchez, his cynical, nihilist, jerkass, alcoholic mad scientist of a grandfather. The two of them spend most of their time ruining alternate universes and using Rick’s genius inventions such as Ghostbusters-inspired Demonic Alien Containment boxes, interdimensional goggles, and boxes creating creatures who will go to any lengths to fulfil any singular purpose you’ll give them.

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Not all of his inventions are that glorious. Sometimes he just sticks to butter-moving robots and passes his existential crisis on them. Which is probably better for humankind than his failed attempt to create a morally neutral super leader named Abradolf Lincler by combining DNAs.

I wasn’t kidding

The series nails the whole multiverse issue in an absolutely brilliant way. In an episode, a group of Ricks emerge from an interdimensional portal to accuse the show’s original Rick of having murdered 27 Ricks and kidnapped their Mortys in alternate dimensions. In another one timelines are split, which results in the house floating in the middle of a void surrounded by Schrödinger’s cats. Through endless interdimensional travel, the show provides us with a zillion dimensions (including one where chairs use pizzas as phones, eat phone as pizzas, and sit on people, and another one where teddy bears poop spiderwebs). Rick also happens to have created a miniature universe inhabited by intelligent life for the sole purpose of powering his car battery (which led to complications when the inhabitants created their own microverse-in-a-battery as an alternate energy source, and bypassed the mechanism used by Rick).

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High chair. No. Recliner.

Another aspect of the endless awesomeness of Rick and Morty is the philosophy underlying it. The series has an existentialist perspective, brought by Rick’s cynicism and the protagonists’ inclination to die only to be replaced by one of the infinite versions of themselves in an alternate reality. A big deal of this show deals with the seemingly meaninglessness, arbitrary nature of existence and even emotions; a highlight being Rick rationalizing his feelings for Morty, explaining that their emotional bond is just a way for him to hide his genius brain waves from intergalactic hunters by crossing them out with Morty’s stupid brain waves.

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“Come watch TV.”

The most glorious thing about Rick and Morty is that it’s not finished yet. A third season is currently being recorded. Meanwhile, I’ll probably keep re-watching the first two seasons over and again because I love everything about this show. It’s funny, absurd, surprisingly wise and loaded with science and pop-culture references (including a brilliant take on Inception where Rick and Morty’s attempt at entering the dreams of Morty’s math teacher turns really bad), with a fluid, colourful animation and plenty of crazy creatures.

Disclaimer: The pilot episode is my least favourite (although I wouldn’t consider i bad at all). After seeing it, it took me a while before deciding to go for the next one. How wrong I was ! Don’t make the same mistake.

And also: Banana. Raspberry jam. Repeat. One layer after another. Top the last one with a little bit of brown sugar, put it in the oven for 10 minutes. Now you have a pretty nice breakfast and you’re happy, even though you woke up at 4 am thinking about how weird your life is and couldn’t go back to sleep after that and now you have to go to work. I promise.

#30daysofexcitingstuff #30 day challenge #rick and morty #adult swim #rick sanchez #morty smith

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takerfoxx · 7 years

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“Fires of the Sun, Part 6″ Thoughts

I know this is coming late, but i had a busy weekend. Stupid million sport games and most of my coworkers calling out.

I'm going to skim over most of the opening scene, as there's little to add, and just comment on the bit where the Dragons accidentally barbecue the mob. I went back and forth on whether or not to go through with that, as I've been trying to pull away from grimdark plot twists. One possibility was to have them break up out of the ground when Yukari was exploring the ruins of Mugenkan and unknowingly attack her, and have Yuuka reform and go after her with the mordite blade when she was distracted. But in the end, I went with this direction because A, I needed to keep Yukari and co. busy for a little while longer so Rin could wrap things up with Sakuya, and B, Mima's plan needed to succeed in a major way. Thus far, only Patchouli ended up falling victim to her revenge scheme, and with Satori's rescue her dupes actually ended up netting something of a profit. So having her successfully rack up a huge amount of collateral damage and put it on Yukari's shoulders helped cement her as a dangerous antagonist and set up Yukari's attempts to take her down in the future.

Rin and Flandre's cute little celebration helped establish a few points. First, in a callback to her misunderstanding how handshakes work during her meeting with Utsuho, Flandre not getting high fives really is clueless about how to interact with people. Even going beyond her fits of destructive rage, she doesn't know about handshakes, doesn't know how high fives work, and just doesn't get how to function as a normal person. She's never had the opportunity to learn. I personally feel that, once you get past her psychotic episodes, she really is a sweet girl at heart. This is further emphasized by her and Rin's reactions to Yuuka's "death." Rin didn't feel bad one little bit, while Flandre immediately was hit by guilt. Not to say that Rin should have felt bad. Hell, I don't think anyone would claim that Yuuka was someone worth shedding tears over. Still, it does sort of show that, despite their similarities, they're sort of developing in opposite directions. Rin started off as meek and scared and really hesitant to hurt anyone, and now she's finally run out of fucks to give and gladly dishes out beatdowns when the situation calls for it. Flandre was violently unpredictable at best, far more prone to berserker rages before Rin unlocked the Adult personality, but now feels terrible for contributing to anyone's death, even a monster like Yuuka. I don't know if that's going to lead anywhere, but it's interesting to note.

Now, I'm not going to say all of Wriggle and Kogasa's frequent interactions are necessarily leading anywhere, but…well, okay. So maybe I'm just sort of testing the water with that one. Romance is something I've mostly avoided until now, and do sort of want to expand things in the future and try out different things, so…it's a possibility, let's just keep it at that.

Rumia's insomnia problems are interesting on a meta level. I introduced them mainly because of my own time with having chronic insomnia and how much that ended up affecting me. Now I've long gotten over them while Rumia still has them, poor kid. Obviously her problems are way greater than mine. I just messed myself up with unhealthy habits. With her, I think something is definitely screwed up in her brain. I was actually going to take it even further with her frequently hallucinating that she was still in Rin's mind like that one time by the river. This didn't end up happening mainly because when you got a lot of plotlines running around, sometimes interesting ideas just have to get cut.

Smug, incompetent Yukari got a lot of flak early on in this story's run, and admittedly deservingly so. I still feel she got a harsher rap than she should have, but that's just my opinion. I worked pretty hard to soften her up somewhere around the mid-point, and may have overcompensated at points, but here at the end I do feel she's finally settled into a nice groove as a take-charge commander. Hey, I like strong authority figures in my stories. Just don't insinuate anything of my sexual preferences from that.

And I don't know if Kotohime was taking a dump or not, I just hope she found time to wipe if she did.

In other news, I really should have paid more attention to Doremy Sweet's design, as I kept describing her as having a puffball tails instead of a cow tail until the very end. Another reason to go back and just fix all the mistakes. Though interesting to note, I was thinking of including Wriggle in that final climax with Yuuka, to have her attack her from behind with an army of insects and just call her out on all the shit Yuuka had done to her while kicking her in the head over and over. Unfortunately this got cut for the same reason everything else did: no room for it. Which is a shame, because she did deserve that closure. Rin apologizing to her for it was sort of to make up for not including it.

I do like Wriggle's constant concern for Elly, even after everything that had happened. I think the flashbacks to when they were friends were a major part of the decision to start portraying Elly in a more sympathetic light. I was actually kind of tempted to have Rin successfully kidnap Elly and bring her along for a sort of weird forced face turn. Alas, I needed her elsewhere, so instead she got paired off with Yuuka's super-burnt body instead.

While I'm pretty happy with how FotS came out as a whole, there are three parts that stand out in my mind as personal highlights. The first is Utsuho's speech to Rin from earlier. The second is that final mental confrontation between Rin, Flandre, and Yuuka. And the third is the faceoff between Sakuya and Rin, with Rumia's life and Flandre's freedom on the line. Something I've learned from wrestling and various other action-heavy series is that you don't need a bunch of flashy moves and big explosions to craft a memorable showdown. You just need two people with clear motivations who really don't like each other stuck in the same room with something very important on the line that neither of them can afford to lose. Though I actually had to rewrite a couple parts in post, as originally Rin was going to go straight from saving Rumia to threatening Sakuya with the knife without so much as checking up in Rumia. I've mentioned being on the autistic spectrum a couple times, and unfortunately that does mean I often overlook those sort of empathetic details. And no, that doesn't mean I don't have empathy; far from it. It just means that my way of expressing it is often a bit…off from everyone else, and I sometimes have to remember how most people express emotion when writing. So that whole bit had to get changed to have Rin express the emotions she ought be expressing, as well as that short confrontation between Rin and Flandre over Patchouli's death to make Rin more panicky over Rumia's peril. I like the way I am and wouldn't change it even if I could, but it does mean that I sometimes have to consciously remember to do things that most people just do naturally.

Anyway, this scene was also another example of foreseeing logical problems and countering them ahead of time to avoid fridge logic. Why wouldn't Sakuya just stop time to begin with? Well, she needed to force Rin to give up Flandre. Why wouldn't she do it when Flandre was released? Her hands were full and Rin would have killed her the second the pocketwatch appeared. The tricky one was why she wouldn't just stop time after Flandre was out and Rin was otherwise distracted. Thinking of this problem actually led to a pretty cool bit where she tried doing just that and Flandre seeing it and screaming out a warning. I was stumped at how Rin would get to her in time before she pressed down. I mean, she's really fast and all, but she's not that fast. Then I remembered that Flandre's power is instantaneous, and it would be a great symbolic moment to have her be the one to destroy the pocketwatch, followed be her getting defenestrated. Hey, I like Sakuya as much as the next guy, and totally get where she was coming from. But come on. From Rin's point of view, she totally deserved that.

Which was then followed by Mima trying to squish her with rocks (and boy, was it tough to arrange things so that would end up happening after all!) and Meiling comes in with the save! Nothing much to say about that except I thought it was rad. Yeah, I really liked these last couple of chapters.

Now, if anyone is curious, Yuuka's odd look and bizarre babbling are a parody of Broken Matt Hardy, a pro wrestler (and yes, my life does in fact revolve around pro wrestling. Deal with it), whose…unusual reinvention of himself was one of the most talked about stories in 2016. Suffice to say, it's weird, it's indescribable, and it's very, very entertaining. I love the character, and couldn't resist sticking in a little shoutout, mainly to see if anyone would notice. And someone actually did!

Though, on a side note, it was actually originally Sunshu that was supposed to take the hit from the mordite blade. That's why she showed up in that scene where Yukari slapped her and Orin down. I had an idea where she'd break free, storm into the mansion, and go after Yukari again only to get killed by Yuuka. But that was scrapped because I figured that the GPF knew their stuff and would be able to restrain even an oni, especially one that Yukari had already put down. Besides, Shinki taking the hit instead opens things up for some interesting future developments.

Other things that I got a kick out included the fact that the Dragon King's name is Frank. Okay, Francioux, whatever. It made me giggle. As did Rin pretty much lighting Sariel up like a Looney Tunes bomb explosion. BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT!

Another thing I haven't talked much about: Mima and Seiga's role in FotS. Here, they pretty much were the Greek chorus, watching and commenting on the action. With so many moving parts, it was useful to have a sort of outside perspective explaining the various characters motivations and why they would do some things, as well as set up the couple of times Mima interfered. In things like The Storm and The Curious Case of Rin Satsuki, Yuuka filled that role, but since Lady Meika already said that she was going to refrain from doing commentary that role was instead filled by a different set of assholes.

And no, I have no idea how Seiga and Futo got down there so quickly. Use your imaginations. Though I can already tell that Futo's speech patterns are going to be a pain in the ass until I get the hang of this old-timey talk.

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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How President Trump Has Ruined Comedy

My name is Daniel O’Brien. I’ve had sex in over two different countries and engaged in some light, patriotic hand stuff in four. I used to write a weekly column for the comedy website Cracked Dot Com, and now I am its Creative Director of Video and Content Development, because ever since my boss left, there has been no one around to stop me from adding words to my title, which I do all the time and without warning.

On the day that I started writing this article, I count seven pieces of content on the front page of Cracked which are explicitly political, and two which directly mention President Trump in the title and feature him in the thumbnail. In 2017, under my leadership as the Creative Director of Video, Content Development, and Espionage, we launched two new shows to cover the current administration: the short-lived After The Trump and the still-living Some News. We have always (always) talked about politics on this site, but we did not have equivalent content during either the Obama or Bush administrations. That is definitely true. On that score, we have changed.

A lot of people say they appreciate the political coverage we’ve done, but a few have expressed that they’d rather we avoid politics, and have done so in tones ranging from politely respectful to … less so.

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Some people tweet or reach out to us to say “I miss when Cracked was just funny” or “I came here to get AWAY from politics” or “Bring back The Daily Nooner” or

“You should just stick to comedy.”

Here’s the thing: I completely agree with you.

I also wish I could just do stupid fucking jokes again. Honestly, I think I’m better at them than I am as a contributor to Some News or shrieking about voter fraud. As important as that topic is to me (very, please go to Let America Vote to learn how you can help), I’d much rather it be covered by someone smarter than me while I focus on what I’m better at (which would be, gun to my head, 1,500 words of dialog-driven nonsense starring a fictionalized version of myself who can’t spell and is also a war criminal).

And is that a surprise to you? Haven’t you followed me? Don’t you think I’d rather be talking about Spider-Man and my stupid, stupid dick? I would!

I don’t want to cover Hillary Rodham Clinton substantively; I want to make jokes like “The ‘Rodham’ in her name is short for “‘Rodney Hampton.'” That’s as political as I’d like to be, but the realities of our world make it sort of impossible to stay out of politics, so I bought her friggin’ book instead. A few years ago, you could ask me about comics. Today I’m ready to host a boring conference on What Happened, Giant Of The Senate, The Devil’s Bargain, and whatever that piece of shit Ben Sasse called his piece-of-shit book. And I hate that about me.

You have to understand something. When we accidentally gave a flailing, possum-faced, rotting egg the most important job in the world, the people at Cracked didn’t say, “Aha! Finally an opportunity for us to pivot away from nonfiction comedic list articles and strange personality-driven columns to focus on our true love: a thoroughly researched topical news show about Nazis, Antifa, the works of Jean Paul Sartre, and the troubling ways those three things intercept in our increasingly terrifying world. Haw!” I don’t want to do that. None of us want to do that. We want to walk around the office pronouncing it “Jean Paul Star Trek” and then write videos about a man who got confused and had sex with a pumpkin at an adult pumpkin-carving party, which isn’t even a thing that exists.

You’ve no doubt seen a similar call to keep politics out of sports over the last few weeks. An historically unprecedented amount of football players and (lol) owners are kneeling or engaging in some other kind of protest to oppose either the president generally or the shooting of unarmed black men by police. (It’s not super clear at this point. It certainly began with the latter and seems to be getting hijacked by the former.) “I support the idea of the protest, but keep your politics out of sports,” is a sentiment you’ve no doubt seen.

They want us to stick to jokes, and I would LOVE to stick to jokes. I don’t know any professional football players personally, but I bet they’d also prefer to just play football. I bet they also long for a time when their Sundays were spent running and hitting and throwing and catching as hard as they can without the added stress of figuring out where they fit into a national, historical movement. It would be easier for them if there was no politics in football, because before there were politics in football, they didn’t have to think about kneeling or not, and they didn’t have to deal with the booing if they did. But now they have to consider it. As Jason pointed out months ago, even keeping politics out of sports (or pop culture or writing) is itself a political move.

(Also, we should, uh, probably cancel football. Goddammit I hate my growing awareness and responsibility!)

Politics is everywhere and everything is political. Which sucks for me, because I’m an idiot. I’m not some politics guy, I’m Deany O’Beanz, Cracked.com’s Creative Director of Upside-Down Sex Stuff. Believe me, when Wendy’s unveiled their new Bacon Mozzarella Burger last year, I wanted to write a parody song of the opening number to Hamilton, changing the lyrics from “Alexander Hamilton” to “Mozzarella Hamburger,” but our president told us all to boycott Hamilton, so now even mentioning it feels like a political statement.

…

The two dolla’, flavor-hauler with fresh garlic/

is a steal, darlin’, they are for real chargin’/

a measly two dollas. I am a food scholar.

Believe me, this shit is Delicious Incarnate.

I mean, you get it, that’s airtight, you love it, this shit would have been glorious.

I miss doing pointless jokes like that. I would rather be writing columns about dumb internet stuff and other weird things that used to occupy my brain. I miss doing jokes making fun of bad websites. I would still be making fun of bad websites if we had a better president. Like John Mayer’s haunted fucking nightmare self-indulgent dream wall. Look at this child’s sandbox of a website:

John Mayer

If you move the cursor around, John Mayer’s stupid eyes follow you all over town.

Nice website, dickface. Does the strap around your stupid head featuring vaguely Native American imagery represent your plan to appropriate another culture with your music? Your album’s called Search For Everything. Do you actually find anything, or is it mostly going to be a bunch of songs about fucking on a Sunday or whatever and realizing for the first time at 23 years old that the girls you have sex with will eventually turn into the mothers you won’t? You’ve got a bunch of dumb spinny art on your website. You, uh … suck. Hahahahaha.

That was just off the top of my head. If this were three years ago, I’d have squeezed, no joke, 6,000 words out of this website. But things being what they are, I only went to this website after John Mayer posted a surprisingly cogent argument for gun control in the wake of the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas a few weeks ago.

Uproxx

Dammit! That’s where I’m at! Global Source of Ridicule and Professional Annoying Guy at a Party John Mayer only made his way to my radar because he was talking about sensible gun control.

All I want to do is talk to you all about The Property Brothers, a show I’m obsessed with. For those who don’t know, Property Brothers is a reality show allegedly about identical twin brothers, but in actuality they’re clones of the same cursed person and the only difference is that one of them does magic but the show doesn’t mention it, and I guess they flip, fix, build, or sell houses, depending on their mood. (I say “mood” instead of “moods” because, like their heart and dreams, they both share one mood at all times.) It’s the most compelling and unsettling TV I’ve ever seen. I’ve been working on an unauthorized novel about being the Property Brother who “got out” of the family, but I had to put it on hold because I need to remember to call my representatives about either the newest needlessly cruel healthcare bill or insidious attempts at gerrymandering or whatever the fuck haunted puppet Jefferson Fucking Beauregard Fucking Sessions the Fucking Third is up to when I can’t see him — which is often, because he’s only allowed to come out when innocent people are asleep.

One time I showed Jeff Sessions a missing child’s picture on the back of a milk carton, and he said, “That doesn’t look like much of anything to me.” His favorite TV show is “the weather,” and his least-favorite cartoons are the ones where two different kinds of animals are friends. He eats applesauce for every meal, and every night before prayers, he doesn’t have sex with a glass of warm milk — he just puts his dick in it, leaves it there for a while, and hums a little song about bugs to himself.

One time I met Jeff Sessions at a party and said, “Why are you so racist and awful?” and he took one of his teeth out and put it in my palm and said “Shh,” and then winked like “I’ll never tell,” but legit he is the most dangerous person in America right now. Anyway, that tooth sprouted legs and sprinted to Charlottesville and Sessions is gunning for Nazi MVP and I hate that most of my time is spent tracking Sessions when I used to just do jokes about movies.

This is going to feel like an abrupt transition, but I promise it’s related. The new It is the biggest movie in the world right now, shattering records constantly, and I would love to talk about it. But do you want to know what my over-thought, Daniel O’Brien, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder-esque observations are?

1. This movie resonated with so many people because the concept of an overtly, undeniably evil force emerging in a hugely visible way after being hitherto concealed right beneath an allegedly safe town’s surface for so long is striking a chord with a lot of people who are just waking up to the fact that the systemic and institutionalized issues of real racism which we thought we conquered a hundred times are still here, still strong, and still evil. We thought Derry was safe, but no, the monster was waiting in the shadows for the right time to pop out. We had civil rights and elected a black president, so we thought everything was cool … until actual Nazis who lived next door suddenly stopped being too ashamed to admit they were Nazis the whole time.

2. Pennywise is such an effective monster for a lot of modern Americans who can relate to the idea of an evil clown who only exists because (and indeed, gets stronger when) we give it attention.

I used to talk about how Luke Skywalker was probably a virgin. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m incapable of not finding parallels to our current political situation. Show me an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants from 2001 today, and I guarantee you I’ll find a link between Steve Bannon and Plankton, and what’s weirder is that I will completely believe it because I see politics everywhere now.

I want to spend too much time over-analyzing the latest Spider-Man movie, because as Cracked’s Creative Director of Video with a Minor in Spider-Man and a Concentration in International Hot-Tubbing, people expect me to have an informed take on all things Spider-Man. Instead I’ve spent six months researching the fucking Mercer family, a clown car cabal of rich maniacs who can singlehandedly control the results of an election and make the Koch Brothers seem tame by comparison. Please get excited about my next book, I Used To Make Jokes Until I Realized The Corrupt And Insane Mercer Family Will Buy Our Next Four Presidential Elections, due sometime in 20-never, because I’ll be too sad to write it.

I can’t stay out of politics, because politics is everywhere. When the president yells about Saturday Night Live, the NFL, the NBA, the Emmy Awards, Facebook, and a dozen other things in the same 30-day period, my even mentioning those things means whatever I’m talking about is political in some way.

At Cracked, we come into work every day to brainstorm ideas for content, and consistently the most important thing that’s happening in the world at any given time has been related to our president. I mean, there was one day a few months ago when a five-star idiot was like, “I bravely love my fucking big fat wife so much, you guys should give me a medal,” and we all had some tremendous apolitical fun with that for about 24 hours, but otherwise it’s been the Trump show, all day, every day.

(God, I miss that golden idiot who thought grabbing a big ass should make him mayor.)

I can’t keep politics out of my work on Cracked because I can’t keep it out of my own private life. When I visit my family, we’ll catch up and talk about recent movies we’ve seen, and eventually the conversation will end up like, “Yeah, work’s going great, I’ve been golfing more, I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time, the New York Football Giants are fucking garbage, it’s a shame about Puerto Rico, and did you hear what outrageous thing the president said about [X]?” If you’re catching up with your family, how do you NOT mention the most recent thing our president did?

Or I’ll be on a first date with someone, exchanging totally normal basic, casual first date conversation stuff (“Do you think Big Boi should be considered an elite rapper?” or “When was the first time in your life you interacted with someone of a different race from you?”), and without fail, one person will bring up the latest antics of our president. These are the kinds of conversations I have on a date with a new person:

Person: So what do you do in your free time?

Daniel: I like to run, I hang out with my dog, I read a bunch. But I guess most of my time is spent staring at Axios, Twitter, and The Week to stay up to date on our increasingly warlike tensions with North Korea.

Person: We can’t listen to “Rocket Man” anymore!

Daniel: I KNOW, HE TOOK IT FROM US!

Or:

Daniel: So, you like your job?

Person: I do. I like the people I work with, the hours are good, it’s challenging, the benefits are decent.

Daniel: …

Person: Of course, all of our benefits may change if this new GOP healthcare bill gets rammed through.

Daniel: Without a proper CBO score.

Person: Right.

Daniel: Do we know where the votes stand now?

Person: Paul is definitely a ‘No,’ we’re still waiting on Murkowski and Collins because they haven’t officially declared yet.

Daniel: It’s still too close.

Person: Pack of bastards.

Daniel: Pack of halfwit bastards.

Daniel O’Brien, Cracked’s Creative Director of Video and Slam Dunk Czar.

I know I’m more informed today than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and that’s probably good, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m so fucking bummed about the amount of senators I know the names of. Seven years ago, if someone asked me to name ten senators, I’d say, “Like, government senators or the old baseball team the Senators? Either way, I don’t know, maybe two? At any rate, I’m not going to answer your question because the series finale of Lost is about to air and it’s gonna be perfect, babyyyyy, gonna answer all of Deany’s questions, babyyyyyy! ‘California Gurls’! Angry Birds! It’s still okay to like Louis C.K.! ‘Magic’ feat. Weezer! it is two thousand teeeeeeeeeeen!”

The president wants us to boycott the NFL, the Golden State Warriors, most news, Facebook, SNL, the Emmys, uh … Puerto Rico, I guess. I can’t keep politics out of Cracked because I can’t keep it out of anything, and I don’t know how anyone does. If I showed up in a town and the mayor was like, “Oh, we don’t talk about politics here, we don’t even pay attention to it,” I’d think “Wow, you’re going to miss some pretty intense shit. One time at work I went to the bathroom for a full 20 minutes, and when I got back to my desk, Reince Priebus had resigned and Scaramucci’s wife had filed for divorce and Eric Trump’s pubes turned see-thru and we probably loosely declared war on someone.”

And again, I also wish I could go back to doing dumb jokes. And I’m not weaving in political stuff because I feel some journalistic obligation; I’m doing it because I don’t think it’s possible to talk about anything without the framework of politics. Or I guess I can talk about football through the framework of how we should stop watching it because of CTE? Would that be better? Like, it’s a bummer that Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job while some barely sentient mannequin gets paid millions to throw for the Bears, but maybe it’s ultimately a good thing, because it lowers the chance that Kap will get the hot new murder brain damage that’s sweeping the sports nation? Is that … better?

Daniel O’Brien is Cracked’s Strongest Intern and the author of How to Fight Presidents and the children’s book adaptation, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, both of which you can buy wherever you want. He also wasn’t lying about that Property Brothers book. He will be releasing it for free one chapter at a time and you can get it if you subscribe to his newsletter right here.

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