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aloneandunreal · 4 years

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october 8, 20

oh wow, i haven’t posted in here in AWHILE. i know i said i’d post after i started school or whatever, but i forgot and got busy and i guess didn’t have the time to really write anything. but i think i want to kind of... talk about something now i guess? just to get it out. obviously i could talk to my friends or rant on the internet, but i don’t know, i just feel like i’m probably being dramatic and annoying. plus all of this took place in the past, so why am i still so pressed about it? but before i get into that, i guess i’ll speak a bit about how school is going and my insecurities (as usual).

welp, school started and it’s interesting to say the least, especially considering it’s online. i’ve gotten used to it, but getting called on in class is always really awkward and so are the damn breakout rooms... god, my heart sinks when i have to do that stuff. the other day in my english class i had to present a video i made about myself to the class and man, that was so nervewracking. in my head it felt like a life or death situation. speaking of english, it’s been kind of... tough i guess? i mean, not really, i just don’t know how to feel about the teacher. honestly none of my teachers have stuck out and i haven’t stuck out to them (i never do). i’m taking my first AP class, AP psych which has made me insecure. i’ve wanted to major in this since last year but had never taken classes because i had decided too late. anyway, i just found it interesting. so, i decided to take the classes this year, to see if this is really what i wanted to major in for college. it is interesting, yes, but i also feel kind of dumb in the class. it’s a big fast-paced (as expected for AP) but i just feel like i’m not retaining any of the information. my teacher teaches us like 50 new vocab words every day and it’s just... ugh. especially when he gives out quizzes (that i get mixed scores on... usually B’s or C’s). whenever i get a “bad” grade, i get really upset about it because this is what i want to major in! how the hell am i going to major in this subject if i can’t even have a good grade in the class or on assignments? sometimes i think i know what’s going on, but then the quizzes come along and it’s just...ugh. it makes me feel real bad, that’s all. i feel too dumb for this major. i wish i hadn’t decided so late what i wanted to do. and i had such high hopes for it, i wanted to get my phd and everything... yet have a B in a high school psych class. most of it is memorization, okay, but i’m TERRIBLE at memorization type things. i’m trying really hard in this class and i don’t know if it’s paying off or not. i still find it interesting and am still going to pick it as my major, but this AP class is just making me wonder, what if i’m not good at this at all? but at the same time i don’t want to pick something else to major in.... first of all i don’t even KNOW what i’d major in! there’s no second option! anyway, yeah, i’m just really insecure and sad about it. my grade in the class fluctuates a lot, but normally it’s a high B. which isn’t a bad grade per-se, but at the same time, how am i gonna major in this if i have a B? that means i’m not that good at it, right? i don’t even know. sometimes i wonder if it’s because of this situation (online learning) and/or my teacher’s style of teaching but honestly i’m just going to blame it on myself. i don’t know if i’m smart enough for it. but after all of this talk about majoring in psych, getting a phd, etc, i don’t want to throw that all away now. as i said, i still want to major in it, and of course find it interesting. the only question is: am i good enough??

other than that, my classes have been fine. i’m taking french 3 honors which has been... ok. it’s a little nerve-wracking because she makes us talk in french a lot and the class is kinda confusing but i think i’ll be ok. she’s a new-ish teacher, replacing my old french teacher who moved a couple years ago, and she seems nice but i don’t know if she’s the best teacher. everyone else in the class seems confused too so... i definitely don’t think it’s just me. then i’m taking sociology which is really interesting and i like the teacher - probably one of my favorites - though i kind of have something against her now because she’s forcing us to speak in class now FOR A GRADE. hopefully she changes her mind. then i have probability and statistics which has been ok so far. my teacher is really nice and the stuff we’ve been doing has been alright so far. a bit hard, but not insanely hard.

anyway, that’s how my senior year is going. not the worst, but not the best either. i wonder what things would be like if everything was normal... it’d be way different. it’s weird how i’m starting to forget how things used to be. this quarantine stuff used to be weird, but now it’s turning into the norm, whereas my “old” life before all of this is starting to become distant. i don’t know how to feel about that. i’ve talked about this in previous entries but i still want to live that indie-film teen dream... it’s not happening, though, even after all of these years i’ve been in HS. definitely won’t happen this year with all that’s gone on. but aside from that, i’ve been definitely stressed about college and all of that stuff. i’m really anxious to go and don’t know what to expect. well, first of all i need to get INTO schools which is a whole other thing. i’m working on it, but it’s really overwhelming (the common app). i really wish i could have finished my junior year and things were normal, because then all this college stuff would be done (or at least most of it). i still need to do my SAT - which first of all i probably won’t even include in my application to schools because it’s optional, but my mom still wants me to take it. other than all of this crazy “applying to schools” stuff, i also am of course insanely nervous about college. i’ve probably talked about this in previous entries, but i guess i’ll mention it again. i’m not AS worried about the academic stuff (well, still am) but not as much as the SOCIAL stuff. i’m HORRIBLE at socializing, and it makes me SO anxious. i can’t do normal people things, so how the hell am i going to go to college? let alone if i will even be GOING.. who knows what corona will be like around this time next september. ugh. it’s just really stressful all of this college stuff..... i don’t know if i’m ready, but at the same time i WANT to go. i don’t even know.

anyway, that’s all that’s going on with school right now. i’ve had some really, really bad days the past couple of weeks which hasn’t happened in AWHILE. obviously i have bad thoughts, but lately it’s just been real bad. i’m okay now, though.

this is already long enough, but now i’m going to finally talk about what i originally came onto tumblr for. as i’ve said, there’s likely no one reading this, and this is just for ME to read in the future. ok, anyway, yadda yadda, here we go on another big rant (what’s new).

i became friends with this girl... we’ll call her angel, in 6th grade i guess. we didn’t really become “friends” until 7th grade but 6th grade was when we met. she was a bit of a weirdo, and was particularly obsessed with this one girl who obviously found this creepy. angel would always obsess over this girl, calling her so pretty, always wanting to be with her etc etc. angel and i were kind-of friends i guess, as well as with my best friend at the time. an average friendship.

seventh grade was where things really picked up, i guess. i don’t exactly remember when; but it was probably because we had a lot of classes together. i don’t exactly remember when we started talking, but we did. she was a bit weird but i was just happy to have a friend at the time, i was feeling very lonely and unwanted. she had been dealing with mental health issues a lot and it was obvious because she told me. even in 6th grade i remember she’d wear a huge hoodie on the hottest of days to hide her self-harm. anyway, she was really not doing well. i remember one day she said she saw this post online that said to draw different colors on your wrist to show what you struggled with or whatever (eating disorder, depression, etc) and she put the colors for almost all of them. she glorified mental illness a lot and it was obvious. we were in 7th grade, though, so i don’t really hold that against her because i likely was doing the same thing. what i don’t condone (at least now) is the other things she did.

first, it started off a little creepy but nothing that totally freaked me out. she’d call me pretty all the time, tell me she wanted to look like me, be as thin as me (keep in mind i thought i was fat and definitely was on the verge of an ED as well, if i didn’t already have one), have the same hair as me, etc. it was nice getting that attention since i was so insecure, but then all of a sudden she’d begin to insult me. “your nose is big”, “your chin is long” and she’d also roughly touch me; pinch my cheeks hard and would touch the “fat” on my body to i guess make me feel bad? to make herself feel better? it was of course a jealousy thing. anyway, this made me feel real bad about myself since i already was dealing with insecurities. but then she’d go right back and start complimenting me again. it depended on the day i suppose. i don’t know if this really happened since i blocked this out of my mind, but i remember she pinched me so hard she left marks. she’d play it off as a joke and i’d just let her.

angel joined me and my best friend at the time at recess sometimes, and she’d also call my friend “skinny” and “so pretty” and how she could be a model. basically the same stuff she told me. my friend wasn’t as bothered by it. anywho, angel and i became better “friends”. she’d text me literally 24/7, and sometimes i’d have to lie to her to get her off my back. she’d force me to go on facetime with her for hours even if i didn’t feel like it, etc etc. i stayed friends with her because i was lonely and “she wasn’t always bad!” i’d think to myself. my parents didn’t really like her and when they found out she self-harmed, they really did not want me being friends with her. my dad called her a “slicer”. i know he didn’t mean any harm, and was only looking out for me, hoping i didn’t do the same thing, but it still made me angry. angel was my friend. still, i listened to my parents and began ignoring angel; it was the only way i could get her to stay away. or at least that’s what i thought. she would harrass me all the time, begging me to talk to her again. i would just not answer, or if we were at school, look at the floor and not say a word. it made me feel awful. and then something happened that truly was a disgusting thing to do. she came over to me one day, and begged me to be her friend again. i kept my head down. then when nobody was looking, she raised her sleeves to show her scars, and said “if you keep ignoring me, i’ll cut myself”. i didn’t know what to do, so i didn’t do anything. i was terrified. i didn’t want her to do that. but she wouldn’t, right? it was just a tactic to get me back. well, i was wrong. i remember she came back the next day and showed me her fresh wounds and i felt awful. it was all my fault that she did that. so, i began talking to her again. i guess because i didn’t want her to do that again. looking back, that’s horrendous and disgusting. but i was naive. always was.

so angel and i were friends again i guess. she hogged me from my other friends, but thankfully i’d push back a little bit and hang with my other friends. there were other smaller instances, but things that still impact me, such as when she told me i had a big nose and a long chin. yep, now those two things are huge insecurities of mine. not blaming it on her, of course not, but it was definitely a factor.

as i mentioned, i was really not happy with my body and myself. i hated my body. thought i was so fat, at 108 pounds. so i’d starve myself at lunch. it was the only time i could successfully do it. angel saw me doing this one day, and got really upset with me for whatever reason (even though she had an eating disorder as well). i never understood why she did/said this, but she told me that if i kept on doing this, she was going to tell the guidance counselor (that i was starving myself). this freaked me out, because i didn’t want my parents to know. i kept doing it, praying that she’d forget, which she did.

there was another time when we were walking in the hall one time, and i mentioned that i was in an enriched english class. now, keep in mind, i’ve been called dumb and looked down upon my whole life. so this wasn’t anything new. still hurt, though. anyway, basically i told her i was in an enriched class and she looked at me like i was crazy, “no you’re not” she said and laughed, “prove it” i got really flustered, because i WASN’T lying. so i proved it to her by asking the teacher if i was in her enriched class to which she confusingly said yes to. angel was surprised i guess. these small instances still make me feel bad about myself to this day. something so small can truly impact you.

other than that, i can’t remember much. i blocked a lot of it out except for those things. i shoved it in the back of mind, telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. for years. after seventh grade we drifted apart but were still mutuals. and still are to this day. i don’t have anything against her.. i guess not. but she truly was a terrible person, and i pray to god she’s changed. of course she wasn’t in the right mindset, but that doesn’t excuse her doing those god awful things to me (and other people as well). i never realized in 6th grade that, like the girl she was obsessed with then, i would be the new obsession. a lot of it adds up now, the way she’d compliment me and then put me down. all jealous, manipualtive things. she was of course a weirdo to everyone, but i was friends with her because i was naive and nice and alone. i think she has friends now, and nobody thinks she’s as weird as they used to. i don’t really know what’s up with her now. i don’t hold anything against her... but should i? i don’t even know. anyway, the only reason i’m speaking about this is because i needed to get it out for once. but i felt too uncomfortable telling a friend. plus, i feel like i’d just be dramatic and should just get over it - this was five years ago. i don’t know if i ever will, though. i just can’t help but think about the things she did and how i would STILL so easily fall for something like that again. which is sad after all of the toxic friendships i’ve had throughout the years.

either way, that’s the end of angel. there’s probably things i could speak about concerning her, but i either forget or just don’t think it’s worth mentioning. we were twelve and thirteen, and i still wonder if i’m just being dramatic. we were just kids. she didn’t know what she was doing. but did she? either way, angel was sick in the head. she probably forgets all of this, or blocks it out of her mind, maybe even makes it seem like she’s the victim. i don’t know. i just wanted to get that out.

of course throughout the years there’s been a bunch of toxic friendships i’ve been apart of, or just people who have taken advantage of me. but that would make this terribly long. and it already IS terribly long.

but, i am now thinking, why do i glorify seventh grade so much? i always miss it so much, but once i truly think about it, it was an awful year. my anxiety was insanely bad, i was starving myself, i hardly had friends, my “best friend” was toxic (and of course i stayed with her), was getting groomed that summer (before & during 8th grade), was s*xually harrassed by a boy at my school (which is a whole other thing), angel was obsessed with me, etc. so i don’t know why i make it seem better than it actually was. but i still miss it, god i hate myself for that. why? why do i miss all of the terrible times in my life? i’ll never understand why. i know i sound like i’m overexaggerating, but i’m not. all of these things have happened. why would i lie? it’s not like there’s anyone else reading this. i just need to let it out somewhere, which is why i’m doing it here. some day i want to speak about the boy in 7th grade who s*xually harrassed me, but it definitely makes me very uncomfortable and ashamed. i’m going to need to let it out some day, though. i’ve never told anyone except for my mother, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. boys will be boys, right? it was five years ago, anyway. but i’ll speak of that in another entry (perhaps). i know nobody is reading this but i hope, if anyone does, they don’t think this is an attention thing. everything i write here is true. it’s for me, but of course i’m posting it online in public so anyone can see it.

so, anyway, i suppose i’ll end it here. that’s all about angel and about what’s going on currently in my life. i don’t know when i’ll write next, but goodbye for now. i hope things get a bit better; with the world, with myself. so, future ava, if you’re reading this, are things better now?

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stephicness · 6 years

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A long rant in case you want to read, because I quit my job today! C:

So I think some of you guys may have known this before, but I had started this job in around July. Applied, got recommended by a worker there who had gone to high school with me, and boom, the job was mine as soon as I met the boss. It’s not a particularly hard job, to be honest. We get the overstocked/returned items from Costco, process and check them to see if they’re quality enough to resell, and then sell it online or at our store base. Simple enough!

Upon being hired, I was promised some pretty basic things as apart of the job: $10/hr fulltime, a really good raise and a manager position as I worked with the company, my own office space, and at the most basic of it all, respect for being a college graduate and a great worker. It was simple demands,

I specialized in inventory oversight and listings for online products for sale on Amazon and Ebay, but I was hired mostly to just help out the manager and assistant manager at the time. Grunt work like picking inventory to help with shipping, cleaning and folding clothing, and eventually listing products for online sales. It was an easy job to do, and fun at first.

But then little things added that just made it worse as momentum picked up.

First off, despite being promised fulltime hours, I was docked immediately to parttime. Not by much, as instead of 8-5, I’d work 8-4. But when I eventually lose 50$ a week, which I could be dedicating to my student loans, it definitely adds up as time passes. So she compromised with me for 8-4:30, but nothing over 40 hours. If I work any more, I’d get in trouble. If I work any less, I’d also get in trouble. So to compensate, it was hour-long lunches to remedy my lack of break at this job.

So then time rolls around, and within the three months that I worked there, a grand total of five people were fired or left the business. One because of differences in management, one because of better opportunities (and a dispute over her time to spend with her newborn child), one because she was stealing from the business, one because of work ethic being shoddy, and another because she received no benefits after two years of working there (and because college was a more important calling. Good for her!). Already that seemed to be alot of warning signs. One person in a few months is understandable. But five? And one of them being fired the day I got hired? Well then!

So then amongst the five people, the assistant manager and manager left/got fired, leaving me and my co-worker of a month less than me, to take on the duties of managing the inventory, listing products, doing online customer service, shipping assistantship, and alot more. I figured because the manager was gone and my boss was often busy that maybe I could help a bit more. Check-in with people during the morning to see what needs to be done, what I need to get done, and if anyone needed help throughout the day. General things that a good worker would do, I hope?

But no. Instead, I gave off the vibe that I was trying to become the boss in place of my boss. For showing leadership traits and for wanting to know what my co-workers needed in the warehouse. Instead, that came off as too boss and as if I was superior than everyone else. And I’ll admit that I’m slightly guilty of it because I know for a fact that I work hard and do my best to be an optimal worker. Take it into perspective too VIA these scenarios:

1) In the time it takes me to take inventory out of our system for shipping -- through three - five aisles (depending on help that day) and a hundred products -- it takes my co-worker that same time to get through one aisle picking the same things.

2) I can list up to 300 products (AKA 15-20 boxes worth of products) in a day with the right focus. This includes having helped with shipping and tending to other tasks for the day. My co-workers before could only do somewhere between 5-10 boxes a day.

3) I am one of the only people who knows how to navigate the new system products and locate them under their skews and tags. I am also one of the only people (sans the boss) to recognize a product’s look with you just telling me the name of it.

4) When receiving inventory and inspecting it for listing, a palette containing 40-50 apple boxes can be processed by me in just a single day -- if it’s a good day. On average, it takes the rest of our team two days to do such if I’m not helping.

It’s little things in the warehouse, but all tasks that you can be good at if you’re efficient at your job and you work hard.

But instead, it felt like the work that I put in was only demeaned each day. Mundane issues were blown out of proportion, and I wouldn’t even have been there to make the mistake. But alas, it was often blamed on me. It was the whole ‘You’re not the manager, but you should assume more responsibilities like one.’

All while my co-worker, the one whom worked less time than me, was revered as the one who could do no wrong. Given tasks and radiating an air of superiority because his tasks were ‘harder’ in comparison to me. Work is gauged differently, and his work was no less hard or easier than mine. And yet, it felt as if he could tell me what to do when I couldn’t. As if he could brag about his successes in the warehouse and be praised, as I state mine and be told that I could do better.

Perhaps the sad tragedy of showing too much work ethic and being expected to show more than that.

But what really irked me wasn’t that I was forced into a position without benefits of cushion time, or that I was scolded for trying to be a good worker and leader -- it was the lack of respect that I got as not only just a worker, but a human being as well.

The least a person can do is keep their promises once they made them. But she took away my hours, she denied me any opportunity for this ‘management’ position that she eagerly encouraged, she took away my office because she viewed my isolation as something that made it harder for her to peek over and see what I’m doing (micromanaging, but she just calls it ‘being in the loop’). And worst of all, if I try to object to it and voice my concerns of the matter, I’m seen as ungrateful. Someone with attitude.

Oh, I’m not even going to deny that I have an atrocious attitude. When you see my in real life and I’m having a bad day, boy howdy do you know I’m having a bad day. But when you wake up every morning and go to a job that you know doesn’t treat you well, that doesn’t pay you enough, that causes you so much mental exhaustion to where you can’t even bring yourself to smile anymore -- even the kindest or fakest of people can’t keep that facade up for long. The flat-out favoritism of my co-worker over me is exasperating, the petty things I get in trouble for, the potential of ‘doing better’ even though you’re trying to hardest. It really wears you down. Especially when you consider that your boss only views you as a slave, unwilling to help you if you need help, and hell -- unwilling to pay their employees on a national holiday out of courtesy.

Not to mention, as my added little salt, I worked there for almost six months now. Out of those six months, I only requested one day off. One. Unpaid time off on a Friday after completing the rest of my tasks for the week and helping my co-worker set-up for his workday in my absence. And during that single day off, according to another co-worker who tells me the juicy gossip, I was...

Accused of wrongly listing products on purpose.

Accused of doing my job wrong, again, on purpose.

Accused of misplacing items that should have been found VIA the new system with ease.

Complained about for not being there a total of 5 times throughout the day.

Dissed for having such an easy job at listing products with UPC codes over my co-worker, who specializes with products without one.

And then the days coming back, I was then complained to for not being there a total of 3 more times and then accused of ‘not asking for the day off properly,’ after having given my boss a week and a half-worth’s notice before ultimately taking the day off.

And this is one day out of the five months there. In comparison to my co-worker, whom has taken at least two every month.

Perhaps it’s petty of me to complain about a bad boss, because ultimately, it’s not the last job I’ll ever have. But it’s nice to be able to get it off my chest and finally quit this job. Now it’ll let me find a new job in a field that I hopefully can do well in. If not that, perhaps I can focus back on my artwork and make a profit from that once more. Because one thing I noticed while working for this company is that I lost my creative drive... Have you noticed it too? I don’t make as much content, I’m so unmotivated and unhappy that I just can’t bring myself to write, or draw, or make graphics -- and it’s detrimental to a person who strove to make a career out of being able to do all of this.

But now, I’m free from this job and able to get my footing once again and focus on finding a job that I will enjoy and pursue my intended career goals for the future. Who knows? Perhaps now I can focus on my commissions and working on those stories/games once more!

I have high hopes for the future ahead now. But one step at a time until then, right?

#stephic thoughts #stephic rants #personal

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