#trying to not freak myself out lol

[pomfiores]

we don’t celebrate 4th of july. we celebrate my beloved mister binx because that’s his birthday.  write that down ty.

#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc ) #to delete * #chewy sent me a card for him wishing him happy birthday #though i was certain i sent info that he isnt here anymore but they still sent this kjfsha #i mean its appreciated. its a code for treats n stuff but ill just use it for something the boys need. #still a downer. i miss him so much #and leave it to lucifer to do some shit to bring me back but kasjfha #im still sad. and a little nervous bc i think lucifer sprained his tail? #i hope thats all it is... #im giving him 24 hours. maybe his tail will perk up by then but #trying to not freak myself out lol

[candyunicornsateme]

I sometimes imagine Tweek enjoys hearing Craig go on about cool space stuff and how many moons a planet has. It’s all chill and calming cuz Craig’s so low energy, but as soon as Craig gets into alien territory with anything like “and they think it could mean there’s life on-” Tweek’s like “NO NO NO NO” 

#rimble ramble #south park #creek #hi i also have super specific thoughts about creek too #i should make a full list of rlly specific thoughts that have nowhere to go #my headcanons #sp creek #I GUESS?? may as well tag for someone to see #anyways. sciencey shows sometimes freaked me out for similar reasons lol #tweek doesnt wanna know man #im down and just trying to distract myself lol #i have SO many things i wanna talk about :( #i just wanna talk

[opens-up-4-nobody]

OCD is pretty common among autistic people, and many of us who dont have full-on OCD may experience some things that can be kinda similar to some aspects of it. I'm on the spectrum myself and i also have this issue of basically getting stuck on some thoughts. It sucks, sometimes it's something that makes me angry but doesnt actually matter that much in the grand acheme of things and i just end up in a bad mood over something stupid and cant stop thinking abt it for a few days even though there are no new thoughts about it, i just keep going through old ones again and again and again. I dont know if there's a term for it, but hey, at least I'm not the only one, and neither are you. Generally i just look for distractions and wait until the thoughts get less obsessive and annoying

That makes sense, thanks!

#logically i kno theres a spectrum of experience from autistic restrictive and repetitive behavior to full on ocd and im an ecologists so i #kno natrue does not give a damn abt human boxes and labels but unfortunately if u give me a set of labels i will obsessively try to parse #out what fits into what best and it drives me nuts. which is probably part of why i fall into the 0cd side of things. all of my thoughts #tend to b looping a repetitive and it makes me freak the fuck out lol. im also supposed to ground myself and move on which is hard to do #rn i think abt ice floating down a channel. floating down the northwest passage bc im again an obsessional freak #but that seems to help a bit lowering my distress. i need to pull myself out of my own head and into the present. mindfulness as my #therapist would say. and im trying but its hard and i hate it lol. eventually itll get easier tho. one hopes at least #to b fair im way more chill abt this categorical debate than parsing whether or not im bip0lar lol bc that comes with meds #and im spectacular at talking myself out of medication and i kno that and the doctors kno that but they dont say it directly and im like bro #its fine i kno what ur thinking and ur right but also im insane in a way that makes me ridiculously well informed so im a disaster #i walk in like im colaborating on a research project which tbh is probably a good thing bc i hold all the info #unrelated

[cyanidas]

Hope yall are having a good holiday season!

I'm excited for the new year ;w; small update in tags

#ive been taking a mental break from things #i kinda freaked myself out about getting those designs out #could you tell? haha- /shot #anyway. i have a big piece im working on for the new year for cookie run #this year i wanna get back into yogs stuff #since they released that fun murder mystery gameshow im kinda eh about continuing midnight manor but. we will see #its different enough lol but i wanna re-focus in on reversion #it was my magnum opus at the time dlkfjgfk i was most excited for that and i got a lot of work done on it #and some new-yog work (as i promised kirsty kfjgfk >w<;; #probably not a comic #but i will be adding back onto my fanlore document on ao3 #so once i get my designs moving (hopefully by sometime within the next week or two. i know i said a week last time but i didnt expect #to be pushing myself so hard) #i will gladly start those projects back up #im trying to finish the things i started because im notorious for not completing things and its a demon of mine ive been working to conquer #for like. a decade gfkgjg #ive made incredible progress... but ive still a long way to go #thank u guys for following me and interacting #i hope you like what you see whenver you get to see it! #intercom

[butchcharliee]

☆

#i feel like there's something wrong with me like #i never know social cues and i talk about myself too much in conversations #and i never mean to do that #i literally have no idea how to get to know the other person without freaking out #and talk about myself bc thats all i know #also i feel like i end up saying weird stuff out of nowhere or i say it in a really weird way #then i make that other person uncomfortable #i have such trouble making friends #i always feel like im performing a facade and like if im being myself #im either boring or really weird #there's literally no in-between #it's been like this my whole life #i try hard to seem normal but im genuinely a weird person #not in a cute quirky way #just weird #could be a cute quirky way #but idk i used to freak people out when I'd be myself when i was young lol #do other people experience this? like is this normal or what ;-;

[shorlinesorrows]

Me: writes an intro blurb for the dnd campaign I'm going to be running and sends it to my players

Them: respond with a series of excited emojis

Me: they hate it. they think it's badly written and the intro isn't interesting enough. i am the worst dm in history and i haven't even started yet

#just me? #okay #i love anxiety lol #dungeon master woes #< my new tag for freaking out about this #there is 1 (one) person on tumblr who knows me irl and knows someone in the campaign so i'm going to beg you not to share anything I mentio #with them because spoilers and also anxiety #anyway all of them are new players and then one of them has been playing for a Long Time and is a DM #so if I embarrass myself at least only one person will really Know but i'll still die of shame #wish me luck yall lol #dungeons and dragons #dnd campaign #dnd #dnd5e #doesn't help i decided to homebrew first try lol #i had a Story and i wanted to Tell It and now I'm starting to regret it because of the sheer amount of work I've made for myself #but i'm also very excited! #now i just need to balance this with school and not hyperfixate (challenge level: impossible)

[non-un-topo]

I am having a blast cramming so much drama into my Yusuf & Nicolo childhood friends to enemies au hehehe

#that's a long title lol. #the yusuf-and-nicolo-canon-divergent-childhood-friends-to-enemies-au-where-they-still-kill-each-other-and-fall-in-love #fic: summerwind #that's easier #it's going to be so obvious that i was hyped up about house of the dragon + game of thrones when i got the idea #family drama family drama family dramaaaa #and i want a lot of violence!!! #i've put my entire pussy into the historical accuracy of this fic also and i'm genuinely proud of myself #ngl this is an extremely challenging project but i'm having so much fun #and accidentally getting really attached to y&n's sibling ocs #might draw chadiya because i've already drawn panfilo #i'm just trying to distract myself and not freak out because my interview is in an hour

[sailforvalinor]

.

#I just realized that I have not provided an update about the Boy recently #we’ve been talking pretty consistently since the date(?) and that’s been good? #he’s made no romantic overtures or anything which I suppose could be because he’s waiting until I’m not in another country #which is perfectly fine with me #I just don’t know if I like him or not or if he’s just easy to talk to or if I’m trying to delude myself into thinking I like him because I #want a boyfriend or if I’m being really really silly and just need to stop freaking out! #like I prayed about this boy and then he asked me out like I feel like that makes it pretty obvious I should at least see where this goes #but I’m scared 😅 #also did I mention that we became friends as kids because of professor Layton? no joke #I was playing unwound future and he came up and introduced himself and asked what I was playing and we played right up to the end of it #together—and then when I saw him again I didn’t figure he’d remember (I was nine and he was eight) but he ended up going ‘hey you remember #that game we played together as kids? professor Layton? did you hear it’s getting a sequel?’ #like not only did he remember that but he remembered the game BY NAME and even remembered one specific puzzle we were stuck on for ages #(it’s that one elevator puzzle near the end if any of you were curious) #anyway he’s trying to convince me to play hollow knight and I will attempt to oblige (although this is not my normal style of game lol)

[bmpmp3]

I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away

#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd #ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding. #i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way #when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee #but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo #and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards #not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony #my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like #marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there #i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my #parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL) #but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school #nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is #same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL #i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not. #i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds #but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice #i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring #that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases #and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason #you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident #im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like #i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS #i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3 #i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#gonna be depressing in the tags for a moment #pls excuse me #but whenevery i see a pair of friends that are like soulmates together #who laugh and scream about what they love and have so many things in common #i always become the personification of ''i want what they have'' #ever since i was a child i would pray (you heard that right lol) to get a best friend who shared my interests and passions #(and who was gay but that's included in interests and passions lol tho i didn't know it at the time) #i dream with the sitcom worthy friendships with the you get the key to my house and you can come in whenever #we just spend days sitting together and not even talking just being there #or the next best thing. find it online! #but that will never happen and i need to accept that #not even for lack of trying... i even went to a hobby class for a whole month trying to make friends irl #but it's impossible for the simplest reason... i don't enjoy it! #every time i try to do something new and out of my comfort zone i fail misserably because it's literal hell to me #how can i make a friend if i cannot talk to people? #online or whatever?! #i can't even talk to the people i know from school or whatever #i put in so much fucking effort and freak myself out! #and it's not working and it won't work and idk what to do about it! #so yeah i don't think i'm capable of having meaningful relationships actually #and i need to really accept that cause otherwise i will forever dream with it #like i need to stop trying to chase after it it's just not gonna happen #i guess people have these feelings about romantic partners? well not me lol #anyways... #angel talks #personal

[izzy-b-hands]

At what point do i stop bothering to differentiate between the panic and anxiety attacks when they just. meld into each other and seemingly feed off each other

#text post #i have been fighting my brain since i woke up bc like. I dont actually feel anxious?? abt work or anything else but #my brain has the WE ARE NOT SAFE DO NOT REST DO NOT BREATHE WRONG OR SO HELP YOU GOD neon sign flashing constantly today #All ive succeeded (lol) in doing is most of the dishes (couple need to soak) a failed filming and now #i would like a couple hours of Minecraft before work #but i am uncertain the brain will allow for it lmao #had to come back upstairs to my room after dishes bc brain just. freaking out. too open. too many windows. #anyway. apologies if im not as available as i intended to be today #good thing is thus far i don't work the upcoming week/weekend so i can catch up then #try and finish some drafts and talk to friends more and everything #im babbling in the tags willing myself to stop sweating and snap out of what i think is actually an anxiety attack but #no idea on what the trigger was since all i did was wake the fuck up #back to music to help and maybe Minecraft until work #thank u all for ur continued patience with me ❤️

[compacflt]

wow very cool. as a european i am learning a lot about the us navy and defense and everything from your blog haha! idk if you've answered this before but what made you wanna work in defense?

Russia invading ukraine on my birthday lol. though i was always interested in military history/military fiction even as a kid. that was just the watershed moment for me personally

i don’t want to work IN defense though. I want to write ABOUT defense. still not sure what that looks like exactly for me. move to DC definitely. maybe get a position at one of the twenty trillion trade publications there are around here. Or comms job, govt job, journalism job… not sure. hopefully i will figure it out ! would love to write fiction for a living but im realistic enough to know that’s an oxymoron

(Also, side note, i am very flattered, & i know i say this somewhat often but i feel the need to repeat it every once in a while… please don’t take anything i say on this blog / ESPECIALLY in my writing as fact. i misrepresent stuff and get stuff wrong all the time, sometimes on purpose for story reasons. I try my best but i simply lack experience & worldview and have spent functionally zero time being an Adult or having to deal with Adult topics [still do not know what a 401k is!]. for instance if you even mention the words “security clearance” or “congressional confirmation hearing” in the general vicinity of my fics, the plot, nay, the entire CONCEPT, goes up in flames, as i discuss in this post. i really appreciate this comment don’t get me wrong But there are definitely better/more accurate places to learn about these topics than a 20y.o. A&D intern who is only just beginning their career & is still confused about many of the basics of real life. I have a lot of growing up still left to do & you really don’t have to listen to me)

#saying this only bc I myself am trying to learn from those better sources #the whole concept of ‘Guy who is closeted even from himself’ doesn’t work when a core part of his job is specifically being asked #‘if an enemy government discovered your secret gay lover & threatened to expose it would you betray the US to keep it secret’ #no idea what ice as i have written him would respond tbh #and just that alone is enough to deny his clearance LOL he’s cooked #anyway—ugh don’t get me started on how conflicted i am about my career #as of posting this i have finished my first aerospace & defense internship/job #would do it again #freaking out about what that means for my own personal politics #w/e i have 2 years left of college. not gonna worry about this now. #I have a lot of growing up still left to do. #thanks for the ask anon i think i know who you are. <3 love you. #i could talk about my experience with the nyc ukrainian community for a week straight tbh #getting involved with them was genuinely life-altering stuff #compacflt has finally figured out how to internally link to previous posts on mobile: hallelujah

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[pinchinschlimbah]

Can’t believe I get to see her in real life in 2 days aaaaa

#I rarely ever get starstruck but I’m honestly freaking out a lil #beautiful human who I have seen only through my tv and computer screens for almost two decades of my life #and whose work has had a huge part in keeping me sane the past couple years #or yknow #a more tolerable type of insane than if I only had The Horrors of my personal life Situation to focus on #half of me is like ooh I should try to make a friendly or business connection or at least say hi and thank him for the above if I can #and the other half hopes he never perceives me ever #so that I can stay in my little parasocial bubble lol #anyway #I’m sewing myself a new outfit about it hahaha #12:43am send post #shouts into void

[pepprs]

mutuals i got myself into a situation so sticky i don’t even know how to describe it (edit: *describes it* lol). please send thoughts of successful escape my way lol

#purrs #delete later #i SONT understand anything about retirement or insurance whatever and basically imightve signed a contract for smth i didn’t understand #fully and im so scared lol. and i feel so bad bc im stupid and i don’t understand anything and no matter how much peopel #xolain it to me i don’t understand it. i feel like a stupid silly naive little girl rn LOLLLLL i feel so sick #it’s probably fine and not that bad and i didn’t do the wrong step but im freaking out. not just bc of the money situation but also bc they #have to do a. medical exam on me to see how much i would have to pay or whatever 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 wtf #im making it sound like a big bad scary freak thing isigned up for when really it’s not i don’t thin&. it’s just dividend lige insirance but #i don’t understand what any of it means and apparently other stuff is better. idk anything about retirement i only got into this stupid #situation because i had a mandatory retirement selection for work and ididnt understand anything so i scheduled a meeting with a retirement #counselor person to help me figure out which option would be the best for me and he was really nice and helped me a lot but then he started #saying he could help me w additional retirement stuff if i wanted to see what the options were and i was like sure and then he told me abt t #this thing and had me fill out / sign the application in that same meeting to ‘get the process started bc it takes. a long time’ even if i d #decided to pull out later it would be a good thing to get the ball rolling asap if i did end up wanting to do it. but i didn’t understand an #anythi ng and i went along with it anyway and now i might’ve fucked myself over so bad. except i probably didn’t but i feel so bad. bc he wa #was so nice and genuine but maybe he was just trying to sell me a product bc he gets a commission from the insurance company which i he told #me wheni asked him if im getting his help for free. i feel so stupid and guilty omg #and also i signed up for my first credit card but the interest rates are really high which i didn’t realize. and i can’t log into the bank a #account for some reason liek it says my acc doesn’t work. and hr fucked up my pay so i haven’t gotten a time sheet for like 2 pay periods an #and im getting retroactively paid in august but it’s just one more fucking thing and i haven’t gotten the chance to pick new benefits yet #and idk if i can / will bc of my stupid pay situation like i literaly don’t exist in the system rn apparently. i fucking hate all of this i #hate adulting i hate it i hate it i want to explode and hide forever and cry a lot. and my bank account isn’t even my own rn and i don’t und #understand anything about mony or insurance or benefits or credit cards or anything. im so overwhelmed FUCK

[mod2amaryllis]

my albino kribensis died tonight :( I'm still looking into it, I'll put like test details and stuff in the tags, I'm so at a loss....i found him probably minutes within death because i check on them so often. was going around saying goodnight to tanks before lights out and found him. super super bummed. it was barely more than a week but i really liked him...

#yeah I'm extremely sad #i think i have an ok understanding of pet death cuz of my job. like I'm able to focus at least and not get discouraged like- #-ok I'm extremely sad but let's get out the test kit and remember these things just happen #but this particular fish was so cool :( he was already personable #always came out to see me #that's how i knew something was wrong. he didn't come out so i looked behind stuff and found him covered in snails #i found him so quickly the snails hadn't even made a dent he's PERFECTLY intact. like weirdly intact. looked all over- #-and not a scratch. #the female seems freaked out too #analytical time: i tested and there was an ammonia spike. there's no way it would've spiked that fast from his dead body #could've been leftover food but i did a regular 25% water change yesterday and the food hasn't been in there long #it's out of nowhere i really don't know what happened or if i did something wrong #not trying to beat myself up at all just if i DID do something wrong i want to know so i don't do it again #animal death #m2a #uggghhhhh...... #just sad #Jose said something nice. i was saying how it's such a bummer that i only had him a week yet fell so in love during that short time #and he said well there you go he gave you a very happy week #lol it's exactly something i would say to a client..... like thanks honey