#turkeys don't like math

[felixcloud6288]

Let me tell you about the time I let a turkey interrupt a math exam.

This was summer 2020. Covid lockdowns had just started and we had to use Zoom for classes. I was taking Calculus III that semester. The Professor's policy for exams was we didn't need a lockdown browser, but we needed to be on Zoom with cameras and mics on.

Enter The Problem.

I was raising a baby turkey at the time. I had to have him by my side at all times because he had imprinted on me and he would scream and cry if I wasn't around. Sometimes, he'd scream and cry even if I was around.

I reached out to the professor about that and asked if I could be muted. His response was "No. It will be fine." And so I decided "Okay, whatever happens is your fault now" and I washed my hands of any responsibility.

Day of the exam, I have my camera and mic on. The Problem is perched next to me. As soon as the exam opens, The Problem screams. Now you might think turkeys are all "gobble gobble". I wish that was the case. This is a baby turkey. They scream with the intensity and frequency of a car alarm.

So now everyone is trying to take an exam with what might as well be a car alarm blaring at them. And they know it's me. At one point, I pick up The Problem, put him to the camera and just say "He won't stop." with the most dead expression in my face.

And I didn't care. I did everything I could to stop that, and I was just following the Professor's rules. I was not trapped with them. They were trapped with me. Everyone in that meeting got to experience what my life had been like for the last 3 months. And as far as I care, it was the Professor's fault. And you know what, I would have muted myself if the professor asked, but he never did.

The Problem only stopped when the exam ended. For the next exam, the policy was we had to have the cameras on, but we could mute ourselves.

So yeah, turkeys don't like calculus.

#turkeys #personal stories #funny #turkeys don't like math #university life #covid lockdowns #original post

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

If you are a movie fan and haven't read the book yet, here are some irrelevant details from the book

Henry owns a cardigan

Arthur and Catherine meet on a Henry V play (which they named Henry after), which Catherine went to see and saw Arthur playing. She "shook off her security to disappear into London and dance all night".

Pez listens to kpop, and he got Alex into it

Nora watches drag race and got Henry into it

Henry is an Elton John fan (actually relevant in the book)

Alex is a Hall & Oates fan

Alex wears glasses (actually relevant in the book)

Henry is described by Alex as having lots of moles

Bea is the rockstar girlfriend, at the end of the book she plays on a concert and everything. She plays the guitar and is always wearing a leather jacket. She also has a fat cat called Mr Wobbles. And the queen wanted her to learn violin “since it was more proper” instead of guitar. “Bea was allowed to learn both, but she went to uni for classical violin.”

During the turkey phonecall, Henry is wearing a peely face mask

Amy is trans and has a pansexual wife

(Actually relevant) Catherine was not off in another country the whole story, just battling intense grief for her husband's death, so she wasn't present in her children's life, so they felt as if they lost both parents.

There's no king, she's actually a queen, her name is Mary and she should die (she's so so much worse on the book than the king is on the movie)

David is a service dog

(Actually relevant in the book) June bought a teen magazine at 15 and 13 year old Alex would sneak into her room to stare at the magazine (and the picture of a blonde 14 year old British prince on it).

Bea is the middle kid, Henry is the youngest

Henry is canonically on therapy and on antidepressants (since the start of the book)

I don't remember if they mentioned it on the movie but Arthur was James Bond and died of pancreatic cancer.

Alex’s favorite Olympic sport is rhythmic gymnastics

Bea had an addiction problem when Henry was about 17 (as a way to cope after their father's death) and only got herself into rehab after Henry went to her and started crying about dad was dead and he was gay and scared so she couldn't kill herself. That's how he came out to her

Alex doesn't wanna be president at the end of the book, he starts law school

Henry favourite star wars is Jedi, Alex's is Empire

June is allergic to peanuts

Alex runs and runs to cope and clear his head

He did not know he was bi until after Henry kissed him. Yes, he had a friend with benefits relationship with his high school friend Liam, but he genuinely thought it was perfectly platonic and straight

Also he doesn't keep on touch with Liam after high school (their friendship just slowly fades away, with living so far and Alex being suddenly famous) but they reconnect at the end

Alex and Henry move in together on a brownstone on Brooklyn, eventually they marry (after Henry abdicates) on the lake house, they move to a farmhouse on Austin, they spend their honeymoon unpacking

Pez is lactose intolerant

Bluebonnet is June’s code name, Barracuda is Alex’s

Henry is a big Austen fan, and makes references to her books through the story

Amy knits

Zahra has a sister who recently had a baby

June forced Alex into dresses as a kid

Henry’s favorite food is a cheap falafel stand ten minutes from the palace

Henry really likes sailing

Shaan has a motorbike

Alex is allergic to dust

Henry keeps a copy of Le Monde, the newspaper from the day they were in Paris, on his room

Alex and Nora dated when Alex was 17 and Nora 18 but realized they were definitely better off as friends. When they are bored, they like to create rumors about their relationship

Alex makes tons of lists to organize

Alex wears chinos, and claims kakhis are for white people

Nora is very good at math

Alex grew up catholic

At the end of their e-mails, Alex and Henry quoted historical lgbt love letters

Nora’s one-bedroom is “full of books and plants she tends to with complex spreadsheets of watering schedules.”

Nora is bisexual and on the aro spectrum (not canon on the book than she’s aro, but Casey did mention it somewhere)

Arthur gifted Henry a telescope for his seventh birthday

The karaoke scene happens not while on Texas but in some club full of queer people. The whole group is there, Pez got them matching kimonos. Alex’s says Hoe Dameron, Henry’s says Prince Buttercup. Aside from Henry singing Don’t Stop Me Now, Bea sings Call Me by Blondie, and Pez sings So Emotional by Whitney Houston in a “shockingly flawless falsetto”.

The lakehouse confessions happens while at night

The Kensington fight (after the lakehouse confession) is much more dramatic, they don’t go to the v&a that night, but the next night. That morning Henry got up early, and brought Alex coffee when he woke up. They made up.

Also Alex takes his coffee with cinnamon

Alex, Nora and Henry are gen z, while June is a millennial

#this has lots of things about Alex but we just know so so much about him #rwrb #casey mcquiston #red white and royal blue #firstprince #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #red white & royal blue #rwrb movie #rwrb film #nora holleran #june claremont diaz #bea fox mountchristen windsor #shaan srivastava #zahra bankston #amy chen #pez okonjo #rwrb alex #rwrb on prime #red white and royal blue movie

[joandarxh]

Look all im saying is Price would be happy to be a stud horse for you if you asked. Like ur both in ur late 30s with no kids and ur panicking about your biological clock.

Like ur crying about ivf and how nothing will take and dating is so hard bc you are transparent about wanting to be a mom and that sends them running.

And he'll just...offer to help. He wants to be a father, you want to be a mom. The math is mathing.

And ofc he'll scoff at ivf and turkey baster method and judt say we can do it the old fashioned way bc we don't need to reinvent the wheel here

#john price x reader #price x reader #cod men #i need him in my eggs

[olderthannetfic]

Seeing my fandom fight with each other regarding if a Turkish character described as "dark, rich bronze-brown" in skintone is or is not a POC kind of shows how flawed fandom's understanding of race is. He's discriminated against within the story in a way that his coworker, a white Muslim, is not, so it's plainly obvious to me that he is being impacted by racism and is not intended by the text to solely be impacted by Islamophobia, as some people in fandom have claimed. Regardless of whether or not people online think he's white or not, think Turkey is a white or nonwhite nation, etc., in reality, people don't stop and ask you about your ethnicity, nationality, etc. before they decide how to treat you. A man with dark bronze skin is not going to be treated as white by the world. Racists do not pause and ask themselves if he might be X, Y or Z. They see his skin and react.

Fandom doesn't understand that race is a construct and racists will rearrange the construct. You can argue Turkey is in Europe all you want, they'll just change the construct's rules from 'European' to 'European and not brown'. In a discord I'm in right now, I had to explain to some well-meaning and otherwise not unintelligent Gen Z kids about how segregation worked. One of them asked, quite earnestly, what would happen to him, someone who is mixed race, and I had to explain that it very much boiled down to if you were light skinned and capable of passing for white or not. Multiple people brought up blood quantums because USAmericans love us some fractions, but no bus driver, I explained, had ever asked for a person's stats before making a decision. The decision was made purely on a visual basis, usually coming down to skin color. (Although even if you were light enough that you could bullshit your way into saying "I'm Italian!" like my dad's boyfriend managed to do growing up, that only worked when my dad's boyfriend had his hair chemically relaxed and treated to make it the texture of a white person's hair, and it worked best when he was nicely dressed. It was still visuals based. Being 3/4ths white by the math meant nothing.)

Honestly the issue we have underneath it all isn't the terms POC, BIPOC, non-white, etc. The problem we have is that people don't understand what race is. Race is not math and race is not determined by where you're from on a map. It's a social construct. It's not real geographically, biologically or mathematically. To look at it from this very detached psuedo-science POV is to not understand the reality that social constructs are enforced by society via individual experiences.

If a brown man is experiencing bigotry from racists due to his skin color, he isn't white. It doesn't matter where he's from.

--

This is tumblr, so you know what I'm going to reply:

[messier51]

In reference to your tags on the food that makes life worth living post - what are chicken squares???

They're kind of like chicken salad sandwiches but wrapped up and baked in crescent roll dough.

They are very delicious.

[image description: four baked chicken squares still on the pan. they aren't very square but the crescent roll dough is nicely browned and they're covered in browned stuffing bits]

At the risk of sounding like a food blogger, these are the food that I'd ask for when given a choice for my birthday. These are kind of an ultimate comfort food nostalgia thing for me. I use an altered version of my grandma's recipe (I measure with my heart, I am so sorry gramma but it turns out just fine this way, and no extra mushrooms) which is below vvvv. There IS a recipe online, on the Official Pillsbury Website (https://www.pillsbury.com/recipes/savory-crescent-chicken-squares/) from one of their contests. The name on the recipe is not my grandma, but the location is not far from where she lived. My grandma's recipe is better (obviously) but they're very similar and the version at the link is half the size if you want to try it but don't want to do math or something.

Part of the reason for making the full 8-sandwich version from my grandma's recipe is that it uses a full modern 8oz package of cream cheese (instead of the 3oz version that used to be common I guess?), and then you do not put the other half back in your fridge and forget about it until it gets moldy. If that's too much food, the chicken squares freeze really well! Just bake them for slightly shorter (I do it about 20 minutes) and then stick them in a freezer bag in the freezer until you want to eat them. They just need to be re-baked!

Chicken Squares Recipe (from aj's grandma)

Filling:

1 8oz package of softened cream cheese

1/2 stick butter (that's 1/4 cup) (recipe says "or margarine" lol) melted (you use the other half of it below)

4 cups cooked cubed chicken (this can be approximate. One rotisserie chicken or so. Leftover turkey works great! Canned chicken would probably be good too. My sister does hers with mushrooms for vegetarian reasons but I have no clue how to do that. You can adjust this though! It's super forgiving.)

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

4 Tbsp milk (that's 1/4 cup)

4 Tbsp lemon juice

3 Tbsp chopped chives or onion. (Or like, as much as you want. If you like onion, more onion is really good in this. I have used half a large onion, a whole bundle of green onions, whatever looks good. 3 Tbsp is not enough imo, but if you're not into onions, then maybe ignore me)

2 8oz cans of refrigerated crescent rolls.

Sauce:

1 can chicken broth

2 cans cream of mushroom and/or cream of chicken soup

1 pint cream, half and half, or milk

sauteed fresh or canned mushrooms

Topping:

Pepperidge Farm Herb Seasoned Dressing (not the cubed kind) (you can use whatever breadcrumbs you have but the seasonings are really good! Sage, thyme, rosemary, poultry seasonings, whatever.)

The other half of your stick of butter

Instructions:

Cream the cream cheese (a stand mixer is helpful for this) and beat in 1/2 stick of melted butter. Beat until smooth.

Add chicken, onion, salt, pepper, milk, lemon juice. (Order doesn't really matter.) Mix well.

Separate 1 package of crescent dough into 4 rectangles. Firmly press perforations to seal 2 triangles together. Pat out dough to make thinner and larger (make it sorta square if you cant). (See alternate options below*)

Place about 1/2 cup filling into the center of each dough rectangle. Pull the 4 corners to the center. Twist slightly and pinch together, and pinch the sides that came together to seal. (It's totally ok if they're not perfect. They filling isn't gonna go anywhere.)

[4 unbaked chicken squares on a cookie sheet with a silicone baking mat. Three of them are sealed and kind of lumpy, the fourth is still laying out as a square-ish shape of dough with a scoop of filling in the middle. It's got a lot of green onions in it.]

Repeat with your second roll of rolls.

Melt other 1/2 stick of butter in a shallow bowl or pie plate and fill a 2nd shallow bowl with the stuffing/dressing/herbed seasoned bread crumbs.

Set out a cookie pan (I like to line them with parchment paper but it's fine if you don't, they won't stick).

Carefully lift one sandwich packet. Dip both sides(!) in butter and then in the stuffing. Place on the cookie sheet. (Sometimes I wear gloves for this step, your fingers WILL get gooey. You want the bread crumbs sticking out all over, it'll be delicious.)

Repeat for the rest of them.

[four unbaked chicken squares coated in butter and stuffing bread crumbs on a cookie sheet, ready to go into the oven]

Bake at 350°F for 20-25 minutes (or at 375 for about half an hour if you live on top of a mountain like me). They should be golden brown when they're done (see photos at top and bottom of the post).

You can partially bake and freeze or refrigerate for later!

Prepare sauce:

(I'm going to be honest I don't bother. Sometimes I make a can of cream of mushroom soup in the microwave and pour it on top. It's good! But it's way too much for just a me, and it doesn't freeze as well.)

Sauté mushrooms in about 1/4 cup of butter (sorry that's another half stick of butter, that wasn't in the list above)

Heat chicken broth and cans of soup.

Mix in mushrooms

Simmer until thick and bubbly. Reduce heat and add cream right before use. DO NOT boil after adding cream.

To serve, ladle mushroom sauce over each chicken square on plate.

[a baked chicken square in a shallow bowl swimming in cream of mushroom soup]

*Alternatives to trying to make squares out of crescent dough:

Supposedly it works with dinner roll dough too but I don't remember ever doing that.

Buy the sheets of crescent dough, which makes it a little less likely to split along the diagonal where you tried to smoosh them together.

Make little roll ups! Spoon filling onto large side of the crescent roll triangle and roll up just like you would if you were making it without filling (this is also really good with jam or nutella js). You can still dip them in the butter and dressing, they turn out great! You get a bigger bread to filling ratio, so you might need more rolls for the same amount of filling. Bake time is a little shorter though, keep an eye on them. They're cute though!

[three chicken roll ups(?) on a plate]

[baked chicken squares and roll ups on parchment paper-covered cookie sheets sitting on the stove]

So, go forth and eat chicken squares. I've got some in my freezer that I made after thanksgiving with my leftover turkey, I'm going to eat some on Monday for my birthday meal, as is traditional.

#replying to asks #chicken squares #recipe #idk if i would call these specifically a midwestern food but they have that vibe to them #cream cheese is so delicious #the filling is safe to eat too so you're just baking the crescent roll dough and heating up the insides #i took pics one of the more recent times i made them bc every time i mention these people go 'what' #lmao #now i have a whole post i can just link to in the future #random personal stuff #sorta

[kasaron]

Do you have the apple wine recipe? Thank you!

Sure thing! I'll do you one better, I'll give you my recipe for ANY KIND of fruit wine.

Please note, this will make approx 5 gallons of rather strong, dry wine. It will be about 15% ABV, and I encourage you to BE CAREFUL when drinking it, as it can be stronger than you expect.

Full instructions Below;

Supplies; (These are reusable items or materials which you use to make the wine).

(2) 5 gallon brewing buckets (or a 6 gallon food grade bucket. Regular 5 gallon ones are too small; you can use practically any kind of food grade container, as long as it's glass, stainless steel, or HMPE/UHMPE plastic). you can TECHNICALLY use 1 brewing bucket and 1 regular 5 gallon, cause of lees and other loss, but ehhh. Make sure the bucket lid has a hole to accept your airlock, and is waterproof otherwise.

(1) large plastic tub or container. I like big HDX totes for this.

(1) siphon (get the 24" one. just do it.)

(1) brewing airlock

(1) StarSan (sanitizer)

(1) hydroemeter and matchjing graduated cylinder (this is to measure the potential strength).

(1) waterproof baking scale

(1) pair of nitrile gloves

(1) 24" long stainless steel mixing spoon (ALUMINUM IS BAD DO NOT USE)

(1) Turkey Baster (New, Clean, Unused. Label it for brewing only)

(1) Large stainless steel, glass, or ceramic bowl

Theory (I promise to be brief here).

Alcohol is made when yeast eats sugar and oxygen, the byproduct is more yeast, carbon dioxide, alcohol, and what are called esters (complex aromatic chemicals). Not all yeast are made equal, and many thrive in specific environments, or make specific byproducts.

Some universal rules;

No Vitamin C, Citric Acid, or Citrus Juices. (Kills the yeast.)

No Juices w/ Preservatives. (You can use from concentrate, as long as there's nothing else in it).

No Artifical, or Non-Sugar Sweeteners (It doesn't work).

Nothing With a High Protein Content (Milk, nuts, etc. It will rot. Don't.)

Nothing with a lot of salt. (Also kills the yeast.)

Between 100-70F, for most yeasts.

Ingredients

5 gallons of fruit juice (any blend, any brand, any kind, follow the universal rules.)

Sugar/Sweeteners (I like dark brown sugar and unsulphured molasses, expect to use 4-6 pounds)

Spices, mixins, whatnot (see below).

Process.

Sanitize; You will need to make a batch of StarSan (read the instructions!) with warm water in your large plastic container. This is your sanitary solution. This will kill unwanted microorganisms. It is 100% food safe. Do NOT rinse or wipe sanitized items, if a sanitized item touches ANYTHING that isn't sanitized, it is no longer sanitized. You will have to sanitize everything except your ingredients, and that includes your hands, repeatedly, any time they touch anything that is not explicitly sanitized. To sanitize something, immerse it it for approx five seconds, and pour/let drip any remaining star san on or in the object. The residual star san is FINE. Don't worry about it.

Must; Pour your fruit juice into your brewing bucket (AFTER SANITIZING THE BUCKET). This will mix all the fruit juices you may use, this is vital. Meanwhile, put your yeast packet (UNOPENED) into your pocket. Trust me.

Measure; Use your turkey baster to fill your graduated cylinder, and hydrometer. Note (WRITE DOWN) the brix, and specific gravity. Use this calculator: https://www.brewersfriend.com/brix-converter/ to get the current potential ABV. Now, work out what ABV you want, by gradually increasing the brix, until it hits a point you'd like. Take those Brix, and plug them into this calculator: https://www.brewersfriend.com/chaptalization-calculator/ to get how many pounds of sugar to add. Measure that amount of sugar by weight, into your bowl. If you are using liquid sweeteners, you will have to work out how much sugar they have, by weight; that can take some math, but there are ways to find it online. Add that sugar/sweetener to the brewing bucket, and mix until dissolved. Take a second measurement, to confirm that the Brix has gotten to the correct levels.

Mixins; add any spices, or mixins you want. I am very partial to a half or whole cup of coldbrew concentrate, 2 ounces of vanilla extract, and a small bit of cinnamon (very small). You can add black tea, cloves, nutmeg, even citrus zest; just follow the universal rules, and if feasible, sanitize the material. If you can't sanitize it, it should be ok, generally, as long as it's visibly clean and free of gunk.

Mix! Add your yeast. You do NOT need to prep your yeast, save for to get it up to body temperature SLOWLY (put it in your pocket while you work). Put your sanitized lid on your brewing bucket/vessel, and shake vigorously. If this is not feasible, or you are not very physically strong, instead vigorously mix the mixture. Your goal is to aerate the mixture, to add oxygen, which the yeast needs for it's initial growth spurt.

Airlock; Add the airlock, write the Brix, and starting date on the bucket or on a small bit of painter's tape, and store in a room with a stable temperature, away from sunlight. 70-90F is ideal for most yeast.

Wait; Check on the airlock, it it's making bloop noises, it's fermenting. When it stops making bloop noises, or they seriously slow down, the fermentation is done. this will take approx 1-2 months, in my experience.

Check; Make your star san again, sanitize your gear. Open your brewing bucket. If you see mold, when you open the brewing bucket, you failed. Try again. If you see brown/crusty stuff on the sides, thats OK; that's Kroysen, it's normal. Use your baster as before, to check the Brix/SPG. It should now read near zero. If so, it's done, if not, maybe add a bit more yeast, close it up and wait a little longer. If there are any off flavors, make a note of them. that's not unusual, and it's NOT impossible to fix. Google the specific flavor smell or whatever, and you'll find suggestions. If it's rotten eggs/feet smell, see next step.

Rack; When it's ready as above step, use your siphon to siphon the wine from it's current bucket, to a second one. Do your best to not disturb the bucket before or during this step, as a lot of dead yeast has settled to the bottom, and we want it to stay there. This second bucket can be a regular, food-grade 5-gallon bucket; since you will be leaving some stuff behind, and fermentation is done. If the wine smells like rotten eggs, you need to "air rack" it, that means, when you siphon it, let the wine pass through a strainer or collander on the way out, or let it fall from a height, so knock out the sulphur dioxide. APPLE WINE WILL ALWAYS NEED TO BE AIR RACKED.

Enjoy! You can bottle it at this point, or do what I do, which is have a bucket with a spigot that I can grab a glass from whenever I feel like it, in a cool dark place in my basement.

For my apple wine,

5 gal apple wine

4 lbs of brown sugar

12oz mollasses

K1V-1116 yeast

And if you do choose to make your own wine, I implore you to share it with others, and also let me know how it goes!

#brewing #homebrewing #home brewing #cooking #crafting

[kwyw]

Was there a moment recently when you actually became certain K and T are together or did you always had the feeling they've never broken up for good?

It was many things for me. They all go together to make one ginormous proof that shows they’re still in each other’s lives.

For me, I think the two biggest things that sealed it for me when I joined this fandom was the turkey baster/proud of your buns posts (plus many others in that first link) days apart from each other around the exact same time Karlie would have found out she was pregnant, and the rose dresses.

#kaylor #rose dresses #buns #turkey baster

[maybeimamuppet]

picking teams- chapter 14: cady

hello everyone!! boo surprise sunday post!! because!! TODAY IS MY THIRD WRITING BIRTHDAY WOOOOOO!

today three years ago i posted my first ever oneshot (i think technically it was on the 4 bc it was late at night but the intention was to be today so i’m sticking with the 3). i can honestly say i was expecting NOBODY to read anything of mine and that this would be something i did for maybe a few months and then dropped like all my other hobbies.

and here we are three years later! so i’d just like to say a huge thank you to everyone who’s supported me through this little journey over the last three years. i feel like i really have a community and a little family here. i appreciate every single pair of eyeballs that has ever laid eyes on a fic of mine, whether you comment and i get to know who you are or you’re just a lurker. whether you’re new or you’ve been here the whole time. thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for and with me <3

anyhoo! mushy stuff over for now lol please enjoy this chapter :)

tw for

broken bones

and as always if i missed something please let me know so i can add it in!

——————

Cady goes back to school that Wednesday.

Her parents let her have one more day off to recover and finish the homework she had been putting off. Cady's still not feeling 100% after her episode, as Janis put it, but she can't afford to miss any more school. Or cheer practice. She's gotten more than a few threatening texts from Regina.

She runs into Janis briefly going into homeroom, since it's in the same classroom as Janis' first period. She smiles, mostly at the ground, and Janis surreptitiously brushes her hand against Cady's and gently links their fingers together before walking off like nothing happened.

Cady blushes furiously and heads to her seat. She hunches in on herself to scribble something on a piece of notebook paper she rips off and folds up. She's so focused on making sure nobody sees what she's writing that she almost misses Ms. Norbury trying to take attendance.

"Cady. Caaaady. Heron. Hello."

"Wh- oh, uh, here," she stutters. Ms. Norbury arches an eyebrow and ticks her off on her computer. Cady trills her lips and tucks the paper into her pocket.

"Glad to have you back, Cady," she says once the bell rings.

"Thanks! Uh, see you this afternoon!" Cady says, rushing out the door. They already don't have much time to get from class to class, and she has a stop to make this time.

She tries to act like she's just leaning casually against the wall and she doesn't have to be across the building in two minutes. Once she looks around to double check nobody is watching, she carefully slips the note between the slats in Janis' locker and rushes off to her class.

Hopefully she gets it.

—-

Cady looks up from her phone in fright when she hears a murmured, "Hey, sweet thing."

Janis is peeking around the corner of the bleachers, lunch in hand and a confused look on her face. Cady spotted this during a rainy-day indoor practice last week. The bleachers are completely solid, so nobody can see in. "Did anyone follow you? See you?"

"Nobody important," Janis shrugs as she puts her food down. "Whatcha doing?"

Cady sighs in relief upon hearing confirmation that nobody will see them together. She leans in for a kiss and gets a sweet little peck. "I want to have lunch with you! It's like our own little place!"

"That it is," Janis agrees with a chuckle. "How's your day been?"

"Good! I got a hundred on my math test," Cady says happily.

"Of course you did," Janis laughs. "What'd you tell Regina?"

"About what?"

"Where you are," Janis says as she takes a bite of her... probably turkey sandwich. Cady's eyes widen. Shit.

"I... didn't tell her anything," she says quietly.

Janis quirks an eyebrow. "Better come up with something quick."

"Why?"

"She's gonna grill you like a war interrogator," Janis snorts.

Shit. She's right. "Uh... um..."

"Just tell her you skipped lunch," Janis shrugs.

"Skipped it?" Cady asks.

Janis shrugs again. "I dunno. That'd probably work."

"I'll think of something," Cady hums, pursing her lips and taking an exasperated bite out of her celery stick. Janis smiles at her like she's some cute little animal.

"So... any particular reason you're slipping notes into my locker and sneaking around with me behind the bleachers?" Janis says with a smirk as she scoots a little closer to Cady.

Cady groans as she's suddenly reminded why she had done this. "I have to go to Regina's after school. We're having a costume fitting for the holiday parade."

Janis looks at her oddly. "You're in the parade?"

Cady nods eagerly. "Mmhmm! I get to be an acro elf!"

"A what?" Janis giggles.

"I get to dress as an elf and do tumbling and acrobatic stuff next to Santa's float!"

"Oh," Janis says. "Stevie loves that one. I didn't know it was us."

"They choose the best cheer team in the region to do it. Apparently this is the first time in, like, ten years that it's been North Shore," Cady explains.

Janis snorts. "That makes more sense."

"I'm really excited. But I have to spend a lot of time with the Plastics, I won't have as much time free after school," Cady says apologetically.

Janis shrugs. "It's just a parade. Once it's done your schedule will calm down a bit and we can spend more time together again. Not like we're breaking up."

Cady giggles. "I still have my knight in shining armor to come save me from the Plastics if I beckon her."

"Damn right you do," Janis smirks, leaning in for a kiss.

Cady happily leans in too, smiling to herself as their lips touch. She's suddenly very glad she totally ate it at their last practice and spied this hideout behind the bleachers from the ground.

"Might need to save you already," Janis hums as they pull apart, looking Cady up and down with a small grimace.

Cady sheepishly looks down at her bright pink crop top she'd decided to wear today. She tugs at her collar, suddenly self-conscious. "You don't like it?"

"No, no, you look cute," Janis says. Something in her tone tells Cady it's a half-truth at best. Oh well.

“Thanks," she says. Janis takes another bite of her sandwich and sprawls on the hard floor of the gym with her head on Cady's lap.

"Oh, get this- my math class this morning," she says. Cady tunes out almost immediately, stroking some stray hairs away from Janis' forehead and just watching her mouth move. It's probably nothing important. God, she's gorgeous.

What is she going to tell Regina?

I got sick- ew, no.

I had to talk to a teacher- too easy to mess up if she comes from the wrong direction. They'd get suspicious too easily.

I- oh, fuck it, I'll think of something.

She continues munching on her lunch and half-listening to Janis speak. Janis doesn't seem to notice or care one way or the other. Cady smiles and pulls out her phone to check her messages. She thinks of something then.

"And then-"

"Have you... told anyone about us?"

Janis pauses mid-sentence. "No."

"Not even Damian?" Cady asks shyly.

Janis shakes her head. "I kinda still don't believe it myself. I wanted to keep it to myself for a while."

"You don't wanna tell people?" Cady asks with a frown.

"No! No, I do. Some people," Janis says. "I just wanted it to stay between us for a little bit. And I figured I should check with you before I told anyone. But I'd be fine telling a few people now."

"Oh," Cady says.

"Do you want to?" Janis asks, sitting up and brushing her hair out of her face. Cady thinks for a moment before she nods.

"We should probably tell Damian, at least. He'll find out sooner or later anyway."

Janis sighs. "True."

"You don't want to?"

"No, I'm just preparing myself," Janis says, looking at Cady out of the corner of her eye with a small grin. "Might as well get it over with, I guess. C'mere."

Cady frowns in confusion and scoots closer. Janis pulls out her phone, opens the camera, and leans in. Cady catches on and gently rests a hand on Janis' cheek, smiling into a sweet kiss. She can feel Janis smiling too as she hears the camera shutter snap and they break apart. Janis sneaks a quick peck to Cady's nose, making her blink in shock and giggle quietly.

Janis opens her text conversation with Damian and types out a message. Cady hugs her arm and leans in over her shoulder to read it.

snarkisian: hey babe

cupboard: whaaaaaat do you want

snarkisian: Sent a photo: things have developed

Janis' phone starts ringing almost immediately. Janis frowns at it as Damian's contact photo fills the screen and it buzzes in her hand, but she hits the green button and the speaker so they can both hear.

As soon as she does, a piercing shriek rings out from the speakers. It's loud enough that Cady practically feels her brain dislodge and start rattling around in her head. She thinks she might've heard him all the way from the cafeteria, too.

As soon as that happens, he hangs up. Janis and Cady both blink at the screen for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter.

"I don't know what I was expecting," Janis sighs affectionately as she slips her phone back into her pocket. Cady feels her own buzz against her leg and pulls it out to see several incoming texts from Damian that mainly consist of ABSKEOWIWHWJWJABDHWOWOA.

She clocks the time, then, and jumps. "Oh, shit!"

Janis startles. "What?"

"I have to go, lunch is almost over," Cady says, frantically packing up her things. "Bye babe. See you later."

Janis blinks in surprise, but returns the quick kiss Cady gives her before Cady goes rushing off. She has to find Regina before the bell rings. Not that Regina has ever felt much urge to listen to the bell.

She tries to think of an excuse as she hurries through the halls towards the cafeteria. Nothing really comes to her. She skids to a halt next to some sort of booth when she sees Regina and Aaron standing close to it.

"Hey!" she greets brightly after smoothing down her hair and adjusting her shirt. They both look at her. Aaron quirks his head when he sees what she's wearing, but he gets a faint smile.

Regina checks her nails and says, "Hey. Where have you been?"

"Oh, um..." Cady says. Shit. She wracks her brain trying to think of something. What did Janis say? "I skipped lunch."

Regina cocks an eyebrow. "Why?"

Cady smiles as she puts the pieces together. "I'm... trying to lose weight. So I look more like you guys. I just had one of these diet bars."

"Diet bars?" Regina questions. "Let me see."

Cady happily hands over the whole box of Kälteens. Regina holds it between her hands to try to read. Aaron peeks over her shoulder to try to see too.

"It's all in Norwegian or something," Regina says, looking at Cady in confusion.

"Swedish," Cady corrects before she can stop herself. "There's... um... this ingredient in them that you can't get here yet. My mom used to use them to lose weight in Kenya."

"Hm," Regina nods. "Can I keep these?"

"Sure!" Cady says brightly. She has a feeling Regina would've kept them even if she said no. Works for me.

"Now, are you getting me my candy cane?" Regina hums. Cady frowns in confusion before she realizes she's talking to Aaron.

"What happened to losing weight, those things are pure sugar," Aaron chuckles. Regina brushes his hair off his forehead and runs her fingers through it so it stays out of his face.

"But it's such a nice thing to do for your girlfriend," she pouts. "And stop pulling your hair down, you look so hot with it pushed back. Don't you think so, Cady?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, way hotter," Cady says. Two months ago that would've made Cady want to go for the jugular. Now? She couldn't care less.

Aaron sighs and begrudgingly leaves his hair the way Regina sort of styled it. "Alright, move over, since you so desperately need this candy cane."

He leans over the booth selling them to fill out one of the paper slips that'll eventually get tied to a candy cane and passed out in class. Cady giggles into her hand when she realizes Damian is the one in the budget Santa Claus costume behind the booth.

"Cady, remember, student parking lot after school," Regina says as she laces her pink-taloned fingers through Aaron's and leads him off to... wherever they're going. Most definitely not class.

"Got it! Bye," she says. She can feel her face relax as soon as they're turned around and can't see her anymore. Cady goes to the booth and leans across it. "Hi Dame."

"Ho ho ho, happy holidays! Would you like a candy cane?" 'Santa' replies. Cady laughs again.

"Hey, does Regina ever send any of these things?" she asks.

"Nah, she only gets them," Damian replies in his normal voice. "You want any?"

"One please," Cady replies, taking a pen with a smirk on her face.

—————

Cady sighs a little to herself as she follows Regina and the others into her house. Gretchen and Karen chat with Regina's mom. Regina huffs and rolls her eyes, straight off to her bedroom. Cady says a quick and polite hello and takes a handful of the offered snacks. She nibbles on the sunflower seeds while she mulls over what to do next.

Regina took the bars. As long as nobody recognizes them, she should be in the clear there. How can she make them work faster? Kälteens do work quickly, but Cady wants results as soon as possible. For Janis.

What makes you gain weight quickly? Cholesterol, but Cady doesn't want to do anything permanent. This is just to teach Regina a lesson, then she can lose the weight again. Sugar? Yeah. Carbs.

Cady smiles to herself as she puts a plan in place.

"Alright, you girls go find Regina. You'll do great," Mrs. George says after however long. Cady jumps when she remembers where she is.

"Thank you, Mrs. George," she calls as she goes running after Gretchen and Karen up to Regina's room.

"You're welcome!" the woman calls after them.

Regina tosses a hanger at her as soon as Cady walks into the room. "Here. I know, the costumes are fugly."

"I think they're kinda cute," Cady says, holding the outfit out so she can see it all.

"The hat has fucking jingle bells on the top, Cady," Regina huffs, handing Cady hers. She shakes it a little bit, and sure enough, there's a quiet jingling. "Go make sure it fits, but we really just need to work on making sure the hat doesn't hit the ground or fall off while you tumble."

"Okay," Cady says. Gretchen and Karen just changed in front of each other, but Cady sneaks off to the en-suite and locks the door behind her. She looks at herself in the mirror and takes a deep breath.

Janis was right, I do look Plastic, she thinks. Cute, though. Her loss.

She carefully takes off her clothes and tugs on the red-and-white striped tights. She has to jump to get the super stretchy material all the way up, but she manages with only one faceplant. Then comes the green dress, with gold buttons down the bodice, short sleeves with puffed shoulders, a belt at her waist, and red and gold trim around the hem with a collar to match.

It's not a great fit. Hesitantly, she unlocks the door and steps back into Regina's room with an, "Um."

Regina looks at her and laughs. "I kinda thought that would happen, these costumes are all huge. I swear they think we're all fat cows or something. My mom will tailor it for you."

Cady looks down at the very strangely fitting dress. There's a lot of space in between her belly and the dress, and not a lot in between it and her boobs. The skirt hits about mid-thigh, which is entirely too long, if Gretchen and Karen's are anything to go by. The sleeves are both uncomfortably tight in her armpits and loose everywhere else.

Other than that, it's great. At least the tights fit.

"Go change again, she'll get your measurements before you leave."

Cady nods and slips gratefully back into the restroom. She snaps a quick picture before she changes and sends it to Janis.

She's stuck with the dress over her head when she hears her phone go off, presumably with Janis' answer. She wriggles more in a ditch attempt to free herself, which gets her nowhere even faster.

Eventually, she escapes, heaving for breath and her hair all frizzy. She peels off the tights and puts on her non-elf clothes. Regina takes the hanger as she passes her on her way into her bathroom while Cady is occupied checking her phone.

jayjay: cutie

cadygirl: You like it?

jayjay: ofc i do

jayjay: my dorky little elf

cadygirl: Hey!

jayjay: do u get ears and shit

cadygirl: Yeah

cadygirl: Regina's really mad about it

jayjay: holy shit that's amazing

jayjay: reginald in elf ears

cadygirl: I don't get it I think they're cute

jayjay: i think ur cute

"Who are you texting?" Karen asks. Cady leaps a solid foot in the air as she materializes over her shoulder. "Not enough emojis."

"Um..." Cady stutters. Her immediate instinct was to blush and press her phone to her chest so they can't see. Now Gretchen and Karen are both looking at her suspiciously. "Uh... my... g- boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?!" Gretchen squeals sharply. "You can't get a boyfriend without telling us!"

"I can't?"

"Not without your best friends' approval! You wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends if it looks good on you," Gretchen hums.

"I wouldn't?" Cady replies in confusion.

"Exactly!"

Cady just blinks.

"So who is it?" Karen asks eagerly.

"Oh, you don't know him," Cady says immediately. Because it's not a him. It's not technically a lie. Right?

"He's not, like, thirty, right?" Gretchen asks in concern, the furrow in her brow deepening the longer Cady goes without answering.

"No! No, ew," Cady replies with a grimace. "Uh... he... goes to another school."

"Which one?"

"Um... do you remember that school we played right before Thanksgiving break? The away game when we stayed at the hotel?"

"Roosevelt?" Gretchen asks. Sure.

"Yeah. He goes there," Cady replies. "His name is... Jasin. With... an I."

"Ooh, unique!" Gretchen coos. "Is he cute? You have to introduce us soon!"

"Well, I don't think he's... everyone's type, but I think he's cute," Cady replies sheepishly.

"Aww, you're blushing!" Karen says. Cady blushes harder.

"Shut up," she scoffs. Karen's face falls. "No, wait, I didn't mean it like that-"

"It's okay," Karen says quietly.

"I'm really sorry, Kare," Cady says. Karen gives her a look Cady can't read. Not that Karen is ever easy to read.

"Don't worry about it."

Cady gently squeezes her arm. Karen smiles faintly at her.

"Do you have pictures of him?" Gretchen asks eagerly.

"No," Cady says immediately. "Uh... he's really shy, we don't, like, send pictures of ourselves much. We just like to see each other in person and text and stuff."

"Aww," they both coo. Gretchen continues, "Well, get one soon! We gotta make sure he's hot enough for you."

"I'll try," Cady giggles. "Oh, could we like... not tell Regina right away? It's all new, still, I don't want her to freak out about our image if we break up or whatever. We've only been together for, like, two weeks."

"Our lips are sealed," Gretchen replies immediately.

"But I'm not using SuperGlue as Chapstick again," Karen adds.

"No, that's okay, K, don't do that," Cady says immediately. "Thanks guys."

"Alright sluts, put on these... eugh. I can't even call them hats," Regina says as she parades back into the room. She chucks one at each of them rather aggressively. Cady's ends up hitting her full force in the face when she's too slow to react.

Regina watches as the three of them carefully push all her very expensive furniture out of the way so they have enough room to flip without fear of crashing into anything. Cady asks why they're not just practicing outside, and Regina goes on a solid ten minute rant about being seen in those costumes more than they have to. Cady doesn't speak for the rest of the evening.

—————

"Did Regina's boobs get bigger?" Cady hears the boy behind her in chemistry class ask about two weeks later, apparently as a conversation opener with his equally-jock-douchebag lab partner.

"Dude, totally," jock-douchebag replies. "Aaron's a lucky guy."

"Isn't she still dogging Shane?" bro number one asks. Cady tries to hide a shudder at the mention of his name.

Bro the second shrugs. "Probably."

Dammit, we made her hotter, Cady huffs to herself as she slides her goggles down over her eyes and turns on the bunsen burner. She looks over and sees Janis with a similarly disgruntled look on her face.

She gestures subtly for Cady to focus. Cady snaps back into the real world, this time before she can set herself on fire. She risks one glance back and sees Janis chuckle to herself, biting her lips to stop before anyone can see and ask what she's laughing about. Cady smiles to herself and buckles down to set some Doritos on fire. Not myself, thank you very much.

—————

Cady is laser focused in calculus another two weeks later. Not on calculus, but... she's there, it's fine.

She jumps and bangs her knee against her desk when Santa Claus slams the door open with a bellowed, "HHHHHOOOOO!"

"Jesus Christ," Ms. Norbury sighs, picking up her shattered chalk bits after she dropped it in shock. "Make it quick."

"One candy cane gram for Shane Oman," Damian says, adjusting his very poor quality fake beard as he hands Shane his candy cane.

He holds it between his first and index fingers like a pair of dirty underpants and leaves Shane to snatch it. Damian wipes his hand on his red velvet Santa coat like Shane has some sort of hetero cooties he might catch.

"Four for Glenn Coco!" Damian continues. "Hohoho, you go, Glenn Coco. Two for Caddy Heron!"

Cady frowns in confusion. Two? She only bought one. She takes them with a smile as Damian wiggles his way between the rows to deliver them. "Thanks, D."

Damian winks at her and moves on to deliver the next few candy canes to the lucky recipients.

Cady checks the tags on hers. There's the fake one, the one she wrote herself. She smiles to herself as she reads the little red slip of paper on the second one.

Merry Christmas my little elf

<3, J

ps ur short lolololol

She rolls her eyes as she reads the very loving message from her girlfriend and unwraps the end of the candy cane. She sucks on it as she continues pretending to pay attention when Damian leaves and Ms. Norbury can resume her lesson.

——

"Sorry I'm late!" she pretend-puffs as she stumbles her way into the gym. Regina just glares at her from across the room, but Gretchen comes scrambling over to join her as she plops her still-open bag on the ground. "God, I was in the middle of a problem when the bell rang, I didn't even have time to get packed up-"

"You got a candy cane?" Gretchen asks softly. She picks it up and unfolds the tag to read.

"Oh, yeah, Regina sent me one! Isn't she just the best friend?"

"R-Regina?" Gretchen squeaks. "Thanks for being such a great best friend. ...Cute."

"She didn't give you one?" Cady asks with faux-sympathy. She's heard it from the mouth of the lioness herself. There's no way Gretchen got any.

Gretchen shakes her head frantically. "She never sends them."

"Oh. Weird," Cady replies. "Well, you can have that one if you want. I had another one."

"I have to go," Gretchen chokes around floods of tears. Shit. Maybe Gretchen is a little more fragile than she thought.

"Gretchen," she says pleadingly, running after her friend to the bathroom.

"Well, i-if you and Regina are best friends now... then you can be in charge of keeping all her secrets," Gretchen says as soon as the door closes behind Cady.

Cady just nods. She can tell Gretchen is about to ramble, she doesn't dare interrupt her.

"Like, for example, she bought you those shoes just to make fun of you! Be-because she knew you wouldn't be able to walk in them. And she's not really blonde!"

Cady's eyes widen. She's not? Her eyes flick to the door as she hears a shocked gasp come from the other side. Was that... Damian?

"Her natural color is dark blonde. Also she totally cheats on Aaron!"

Cady almost chokes.

"Every Thursday she says she has a cheer intensive but she totally just stays behind to hook up with Shane Oman in the lion costume!"

"She makes him wear the costume?" Cady asks in disgusted horror.

"No! They're both in the costume!" Gretchen bellows, snapping the candy cane in half and dropping the pieces to the floor. Cady's jaw drops.

"Oh my god."

"And I never told anyone because I am such a good friend! I-I'm gonna go fill up my water bottle. Cover for me?" Gretchen sniffles. Cady nods.

Gretchen ducks out of the room. Damian enters before the door even closes, and Janis slams her way out of the stall. Damian hysterically whimpers, "I wear that costume!"

"Cads, that was amazing! What did you do?!" Janis says with an adorably delighted smile on her face. She rushes up and grabs Cady by the arms, spinning her around before she leans in for a kiss.

"Just a little Christmas magic," Cady responds with a grin of her own as soon as they break apart. "I sent myself a candy cane but I signed it as being from Regina."

"Clever girl," Janis coos in a horrible accent. Cady giggles.

"Okay, I gotta go! Love you guys." Janis gets another kiss and Damian gets a quick hug before Cady runs back to the gym to start their last parade practice.

————-

Cady grumbles as she wakes up the next morning. It's barely morning, the sun hasn't even risen yet. She has to be in the city, an hour away, two hours before the parade starts at 8:00. And she has to be there with her hair and makeup already done.

She does consider herself a morning person, but four in the morning is a bit much for anyone.

She grumbles as she hauls herself out of bed and stumbles to the restroom. She turns on the light and resists the urge to wince and close her eyes. How am I meant to be a jolly elf on five hours of sleep?

Cady opens her eyes extra wide, looking a little past unhinged when she sees herself in the mirror, to let the light in and hopefully wake her up.

By the time she's done brushing her teeth, she doesn't squint in the light anymore. She still grumbles sleepily as she washes her face, though.

She brings up the photo Regina sent (accompanied by many profanities) of what her makeup should look like so she can copy it. It's honestly not very different from her usual cheer makeup. Foundation, lots of gold eyeshadow, black mascara, red lipstick. Pretty much the only difference is the bright pink blush that she leaves in neat little circles on the apples of her cheeks instead of blending it up her cheekbones to look more natural. It's a little more rag doll than elf, but maybe it'll work better with the costume on.

She does her hair in two french braids, parted as close to even as she can get down the middle of her head and twisted intricately so they won't fall out after a morning of being mostly upside-down. She gives up on each braid a bit before the end, and ties the bands around halfway down instead of at the ends. Kind of a cute look, she thinks, as she fluffs out her curls at the end of each braid.

"You ready, binti? Have a Kälteen bar," her mother says when she trudges her way downstairs. Cady grabs the bar and takes a disgruntled bite out of it. She nods.

"You're sure this Regina friend can bring you home? We have to leave right from-"

"Right from the parade, I know, Dad," Cady says. "I quadruple checked, I'll make it home fine. Have fun at the vet conference."

"Oh, we will," her mother promises. "There's a keynote speaker on upgrades in euthanasia technology."

"...Cool," Cady replies.

"Right?! Alright, go get in the car. You sure you have everything?"

"Yeah. Regina has my outfit, I'll get changed there," Cady says. She looks down and brushes some wrinkles out of her Christmas jammies that Janis bought her. She smiles at the memory. My little dork.

"Time to hit the road, then!" her dad says. Cady shrieks as he hoists her off the ground and marches out towards the car.

"Dad!"

Her dad just starts bellowing the chorus to I Love a Parade, probably really irritating their poor neighbors. Cady gets affectionately tossed in the backseat, and her dad continues singing as her parents get into their spots up front and start the drive to Chicago.

————-

"Binti, we're here," her mother says. Cady jumps and snorts, bashing her head against the window she had fallen asleep against. "Ooh, be careful."

"Shit," Cady hisses under her breath, rubbing her new sore spot.

"Language," her dad chides, only half-serious.

"Sorry daddy. Have fun in Peoria. I love you," Cady says, bending at a weird angle to hug her parents goodbye. They can only stay long enough to see the beginning of the parade, so she has to get her goodbyes in now.

"We will. Be safe, have fun. No boys," her mother says, gently patting her back.

"I know, I know. You don't have to worry about that," Cady chuckles. Really. You have no idea.

"Atta girl. Go get em, tiger," her dad says, opening the door for her and sending her out. "Love you!"

"Yeah, love you too," Cady says, briefly walking backwards to talk to them. She gives them a final wave before she turns around and starts running to her team's meeting spot. "Yeesh. I'm sixteen."

Regina, once again, chucks her costume at her as soon as she's within sight. Cady manages to catch it this time, and looks around for somewhere private to change. The only place is behind some trees, so she heads that way.

Regina's mom is a talented seamstress and tailored Cady's costume to fit her perfectly. Almost too perfectly. It's so tight against her chest and her belly that she can barely breathe, and the skirt juuuuust barely passes her bum. The candy cane-esque tights are all she has left to protect her modesty.

The shoes with pointy toes and jingle bells are a recent addition, and she jangles her way back over to her friends. "Hey."

"Hey!" Karen greets, too brightly for six in the morning.

"Are your costumes, like, really tight?" Regina huffs, shifting her arms around to try to stretch the fabric a little. "They were huge, my mom can't have fucked up the tailoring this bad."

"Mine's okay," Cady shrugs. Her hat jingles for emphasis.

"Ugh, I'm gonna go see if she has any safety pins," Regina grumbles. Cady's phone pings as she stomps off through the frost-covered grass.

jayjay: good mornin buttercup

cadygirl: >:|

jayjay: what ?

jayjay: not a good morning??

cadygirl: Sent a picture: It's 6 in the morning and I look like this

cadygirl: And I'm cold >:|

jayjay: aww

jayjay: someone's grumpy

cadygirl: Yeah >:||||

jayjay: steve and i will be there to see you

cadygirl: Yaaaaay 🥰🥰

jayjay: that easy to cheer you up huh

cadygirl: It'd be even easier if you bring me food

jayjay: little conwoman

cadygirl: Whaaaat nooooo

jayjay: i'll take you to breakfast after

jayjay: hobbit

cadygirl: Hey!!

jayjay: not because you're short

jayjay: this time

jayjay: bc they're hungry all the time

cadygirl: Oh

cadygirl: Still v rude of you

jayjay: if i take you to get a happy meal will that make up for it

cadygirl: Yes <333

jayjay: done

jayjay: see you soon peanut

cadygirl: See you soon gorgeous 😘

Cady suddenly feels much warmer as she puts her phone back into her bag. She and Gretchen glue each other's ears on and the whole team does a warmup and stretch routine together. Cady rolls out her wrists and finally smiles as she gets into her spot.

——

The parade is more fun than she was expecting. It's less intense than what she has to do at games, more walkovers and limbers than tucks and punches. She gets a little dizzy, and it's hard not to get run over by the float on the rare occasions she fumbles a landing, but it's still fun. For once, the smile on her face is genuine the whole time.

She waves dorkily when she passes her parents. They both have their phones held up to film and proud smiles beaming across their faces. They wave back just as dorkily before they duck out and are off to their seminar.

Cady doesn't get to do much in the way of the more limber skills anymore. It's fun. She kind of misses doing skills just for fun, for herself. As long as she stays in her spot she can do whatever she wants to. She does all sorts of front walkovers, back walkovers, aerials, the occasional handspring. It's refreshing.

Whenever they come to a stop is when things get interesting. Nobody wants to see a parade stuck in place, so they practiced lots of choreography for that. One of the floats ahead of them gets stuck on a corner, and Cady does a vaulted flip off of Regina's crouched form like a really, really elaborate game of leapfrog. Regina acts like she's dancing with her and whirls her back around so they're in their right spots before they get going again.

Towards the end of the parade, Cady hears a, "Hi Cady!"

She's not supposed to, but she looks over. Stevie is waving eagerly to her, her arm linked with one of her friends. Janis is behind her with a cute grin on her face as she sees Cady in all her elvish glory. Cady wiggles her fingers back in greeting, and kisses the tips of her fingers twice before blowing the kisses in their direction. Janis smiles wider and sneakily blows one back. Stevie just squeals and dances around with her friend. Cady adds a little more flair to her skills than she needs to just for them.

Things stop and start a lot more as the first floats get to the end of the parade route and have to navigate pulling off to the sides of the road or getting where they need to be. Cady and Regina do their series of tricks at least six times. They start adding little bits of flourish to it when it begins to feel boring and repetitive.

Apparently a little too much flourish. Regina does a dramatic turn before she crouches to be Cady's vault.

Cady's already running.

She has no time to stop as Regina's safety pin breaks.

And her costume comes off.

Regina screams and bends down to try to grab it. Cady slips on the fabric and goes head over heels the wrong way. Cameras are already out, pictures and videos being recorded. Apparently more people from North Shore make the trip out to see the parade than they thought.

But Cady can't hear the shutters clicking or the agitated murmuring over the pop her ankle makes as she lands, and the roaring of blood in her ears as a horrific pain radiates up her leg. No, no, no no no nononono.

One of the coaches was walking alongside the float in between them and the crowd to make sure it all went smoothly. She rushes up and helps Regina get herself situated. "You alright, Heron?"

Cady can only sob. My ankle is broken. My ankle is broken and it really hurts. My ankle is broken and I may never be able to tumble again. My ankle-

"Whoa, kid, hey," her coach says. "Can ya walk? Right flank, fall in! You're down a man!"

Cady hops and hobbles her way to the end of the route and sits down on the curb, cradling her ankle and sobbing.

"Are your folks around?"

Cady shakes her head. "Re-Regina's take-taking me home."

Her coach hums and nods. "She ran off. Hope she's okay, too. Dang, kid, that looks gnarly."

That only makes Cady cry harder. What if I just did my last flip?

"I'll uh... go keep an eye out for George," her coach says. She does have the decency to bring Cady her bag. Cady debates texting her parents to let them know, but they're probably already halfway to Peoria. And they were so excited about the keynote, she can't drag them away from that. She'll just have to suck it up.

The pain is... almost bearable. It's not, but she doesn't exactly have much choice. Her sobs slow, and before too long she's just sniffling on the side of the road and holding her sore leg.

She about jumps out of her skin when she hears a, "Caddy!"

"Jesus Christ, Janis! There's people around here!" Cady hisses. Janis' face falls a little.

"Sorry."

"What are you doing here?" Cady asks more gently.

"There's already like, seventy different people sharing videos of you and Regina falling, what the hell happened?"

"I think the Kälteen bars backfired," Cady sniffs, shutting one eye as a wave of pain radiates from her ankle.

Janis frowns. "What do you mean?"

"She's gained so much weight her costume didn't fit," Cady explains through half-grit teeth.

Janis snorts. Cady glares at her. "Sorry."

"She safety pinned it on and it broke and I slipped on the costume," Cady continues. "And I fucked up my landing and I think my ankle is broken."

"Yikes," Janis says in concern.

"She was supposed to take me home," Cady says, trying to stretch out her leg and wincing in pain. Janis winces too.

"Damian and I will take you to the hospital, don't worry about it," Janis says immediately.

"Don't- ow- don't you have Stevie with you?" Cady asks in concern.

"Nah, she wanted to go to her friend's house, I'm free of the child until tonight," Janis replies. "Can I see?"

Cady looks at her hesitantly. Janis looks back. She doesn't push. There are a lot of people around. But Cady needs the comfort of her girlfriend right now. She nods.

Janis carefully eases her stupid jingly boot off her foot, pausing whenever Cady makes a pained noise. By the end Cady has her bottom lip so firmly between her teeth she can taste blood and her eyes screwed shut. It's still not enough to stop a few pained tears slipping out and down her face.

It becomes quickly apparent that Janis has absolutely no idea what she's doing. She gives Cady's foot a gentle, inquisitive poke and pulls back like she's been burned when Cady squeaks in pain. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Cady says, looking at her through squinted eyes and trying to remember how to breathe.

"It's pretty swollen," Janis says in concern. "And bruising already."

Cady sniffs again, looking down at her stupid candy-cane patterned lap. Janis gently tips her chin up.

"It'll be okay, Cads," she murmurs.

"But what if it's not?" Cady hiccups. "What if I never walk on it again? What if I can never do another flip?"

"And what if it's totally fine? What if it turns out to just be a bad sprain and you're back on your feet in a week?" Janis retaliates.

Cady feels her lip tremble. Janis might be right.

But they both know she's not.

"They're coming, hide," Cady says when she hears the cheers coming down the road. Thank god Damian's almost here.

Janis looks at her oddly, sadly, but she obediently ducks behind the tree line to wait for the crowd of people they actually know to clear out.

"Cads! Hey, coach told me you fell, what the hell, babe?!" Damian says as soon as he sees her, sprinting full tilt over to her. "Oh, yikes."

"Is it bad?" Cady asks, feeling tears brimming behind her eyes yet again.

"It's not... great," Damian replies hesitantly. "Can you move it?"

Cady sniffles. "I don't know, I haven't tried."

"Can I?"

Cady nods. Damian carefully braces her ankle with his large, warm hand and gives her foot a gentle wiggle. Several people look in their direction at the noise Cady makes in response.

"Alright, well," Damian says in a voice a solid three octaves higher than normal.

"I'm sorry," Cady sobs.

"Babe, shh," Damian soothes. "I will donate you one of my feet if I have to. We'll go get you patched up and all that, don't worry about it."

"But how will you be a big Broadway star someday if you only have one foot?" Cady giggles wetly.

"I'll manage. Is that Janis peeping at me through the bushes over there?"

"Probably," Cady replies with another giggle. She turns around and sees a familiar pair of blue eyes poked out from behind a gnarled old tree trunk. Janis ducks back behind it when she sees she's been spotted, and Cady smiles. "Yeah. Dork."

Damian smiles too. "She really loves you. Let me text her so she doesn't get picked up for stalking or some shit."

"She does?" Cady sniffles.

"Girl, are you kidding? We haven't had a conversation where you haven't come up at least once since September," Damian says absently as he taps out a message to Janis.

Janis is close enough that they hear her phone ping and her muffled, "Shit!" Cady can't help but laugh.

"Alright, she'll meet us at the car and we'll take you to the hospital."

"Thanks, papa elf," Cady grins. Damian laughs and tosses Cady onto his back to carry her the half-mile back to the parking lot. "These bells are infuriating."

"I think they're fun," Damian replies, a hand over his heart. He wiggles his head to make his hat jingle for emphasis. Cady giggles.

"Thanks for taking me home. I dunno what happened to Regina," Cady says quietly.

"Nobody does, she disappeared after the... incident," Damian replies. Cady frowns.

"Weird."

"I took over on your side so it was still balanced, but apparently she just ran off naked through the woods. Guess you can cross that off your list," Damian says. Cady laughs.

"You make a great elf," she replies. "Your ear keeps poking me, though."

"Sorry," Damian chuckles. "Alright, madam, we have arrived at your chariot."

"'Sup nerds," Janis greets, pushing herself off Damian's mom's car with a small salute.

"Caddy gets front seat privileges, she's broken."

"Ugh!" Janis groans sarcastically. Cady giggles.

"Um, actually... can I sit in the back with you?" she mumbles shyly.

Janis smirks. "We gonna make out?"

Cady rolls her eyes. "Corndog."

"What?!" Damian giggles.

"Is that not right?" Cady replies shyly.

"Did you just call me a corndog?!" Janis cackles.

"Someone tell me what I meant to say!" Cady insists.

Damian barely manages to put her down safely before he almost collapses to the ground in laughter. "Did-did you mean horndog?"

"Yes!" Cady says. "Stop laughing, it's not funny!"

"Yes it is!" Janis chokes through her laughter.

"People are staring, shut up!" Cady hisses. "Stop laughing!"

"Okay, okay," Damian says, wiping tears from his eyes. "Get in, sluts and slurs."

As soon as the doors close, Janis and Damian burst into laughter again. Damian can barely turn the key to start the car, he's laughing so hard. "I didn't mean to say corndog, stop laughing."

"You're so cute," Janis hums, still giggling to herself. "How's the ankle doing?"

"Hurts," Cady sighs.

Janis pouts and pulls Cady into a cuddle. Cady leans into her shoulder with a wince as another burst of pain radiates up her leg. "Poor baby."

—-

After an interesting drive to the nearest urgent care, Janis scoops Cady out and carries her baby-style into the waiting room. The pain is starting to get to Cady again, and she winces and cries quietly as Janis cradles her in her lap.

Luckily, people are so focused on their own injuries or other ailments that two Christmas elves and their art freak barely catch their eye. There's a mother there with a clearly sick little boy snuffling into her shoulder, a duo of frat bros who are clearly drunk and each cradling one arm close to their chest, and an old man in the corner filling out a crossword puzzle from 2011.

"How did your hat survive that whole thing?" Janis asks as Damian plops into the seat next to them with Cady's paperwork.

"I glued it to my head," Cady sniffs. Damian drops his pen in shock.

"You what?!"

"Only in the front, I used clips in the back," Cady replies. Damian sighs and rests his hand on his chest.

"Do not scare me like that," he replies. "Cads, when's your birthday?"

"July thirtieth," Cady says softly.

"Hey, my birthday's in July too!" Damian says. "Twinsies."

Cady can't help but giggle at his desperate attempt to cheer her up. "When's yours?"

"The thirteenth," Damian says.

"Man, I'm still the baby!" Cady huffs. "Miss January over here."

"Not my fault my parents know how to celebrate Easter," Janis shrugs. Cady gasps.

"Janis Sarkisian, we are in public!"

"Whatcha gonna do about it, tiny?" Janis retaliates. "Since we are in public."

"Hmph," Cady grumbles. She cuddles closer into her girlfriend's warm neck.

"You okay?" Janis whispers against her forehead.

"Hurts," Cady whispers back. "Are they gonna see us soon?"

"Probably not," Janis sighs.

Damian goes to hand in her paperwork at the front desk. Beyond that, all they can do is wait.

-

And wait they do. But, eventually, a nurse calls Cady's name and Janis stands to carry her back. Damian follows quickly, running after them through the winding halls.

"Alright, what seems to be the problem?" the nurse says. She does a double take when she sees the elf with one shoe on sitting on the exam table. She snorts a quick laugh but bites her lip to stop herself.

"I think I broke my ankle," Cady says softly. The doctor looks down at her one exposed foot and winces.

"It looks like that might be the case, hon. What happened?" the nurse asks, taking Cady's vitals. "Cross your arm over your chest."

Cady does when she fastens a blood pressure cuff around her wrist. "Um, I was in the parade this morning and I slipped on... something. I fumbled a flip and landed on it weird."

"Did you hear a pop when you landed or was it just a feeling?"

"I heard something pop, and I can't put any weight on it," Cady says anxiously. "And it's a little numb, and kinda... tingly, I guess."

"Mm," the nurse hums. "I'm gonna try and move it a bit, you let me know if anything hurts, alright?" Cady nods and braces as the mere brush of her fingertips against her ankle sends more waves of pain flooding up her whole leg and out her toes. "That hurt?"

"Mmhmm," Cady squeaks.

"Hm," the nurse hums again. "I'm gonna get the doctor to get you an x-ray, alright?

"Thank you," Cady says. She looks down at her lap with a quiet sniffle. She shakes her other foot and humphs at the jingle she gets in response.

"You okay, Peanut?" Janis asks quietly.

"What if it is actually broken?" Cady asks desperately. "I'm the head flyer, broken bones take so long to heal! It'll be weeks before I'm back in, what are they gonna-"

"We have protocols for this kinda thing, Cads, it'll be okay," Damian says. "We get injured all the time. I broke my wrist cheering in middle school and everything was fine. You just gotta take your time to heal."

"But-"

"If it is broken and you try to do anything you could hurt yourself permanently," Janis says. "Repetitive fractures? You have to rest. And we don't know for sure that it's broken yet, it might just be a bad sprain."

Cady sighs and nods. "Thanks for coming with me."

"Anytime, babe," Damian says, gently wrapping an arm around her shoulders and resting his head against hers. Cady blinks as his elf ear almost pokes her in the eye. Janis joins in too, and gets a jingle bell up the nose.

Her little crew gets left behind as Cady hops after the doctor towards the x-ray room. She holds as still as she can on the uncomfortable table and listens to the deafening clunks of the machine as it whirls around her foot. It's so loud she's a little worried it'll explode, but the doctor eventually returns from behind the lead partition and leads her back to her room to wait for the results.

It's a very quick wait.

"Your ankle is broken," the doctor says as soon as she walks into the room.

Cady feels her face crumple, and Janis wraps her in a tight hug as Cady lets out a quiet sob. "It's okay, Peanut, shh."

"It'll heal fine, no surgery needed. We call it a nondisplaced fracture, so none of your bones have actually moved out of where they're meant to be. You just need a cast for a little bit and you should be back to normal."

"So-so I'll still-still be able to-to cheer?"

"Not for six to eight weeks, but yes," the doctor replies with a smile. Janis squeezes her tighter as Cady releases a sob of relief.

"I told you," she murmurs, kissing Cady's cheek. Cady sniffles and leans into her shoulder. She needs Janis right now.

"Technically you broke your leg, the bottom part of your fibula here, and there's a hairline fracture in part of your tibia. But they're not displaced enough for you to need surgery, just a cast and no weight bearing for a good while."

"O-okay," Cady sniffs.

"You might wanna... de-elf yourself before we get the cast on, though. Unless you want to keep those tights for a few weeks."

Cady takes the wheel of possible cast colors and the pajamas Damian hands her from her bag. "These are cute! Where'd they come from?"

"Janis got them for me," Cady says with a sniffle as the doctor leaves and Janis and Damian both turn around to give her some privacy to change.

"Oh, did she now? How very soft of her," Damian hums. Janis shoves him. Damian sticks his tongue out in her general direction, unable to tell quite where she is with his hands firmly over his eyes.

"Shut up," Janis responds.

"Stop fighting, you can turn around now," Cady says once she's back in her comfy pajamas. "Which color cast should I get?"

"What's your favorite color?" Damian asks.

"Yellow," Cady replies.

"The purple is cool too," Janis says, tapping the little swatch of it. Cady nods.

Damian leans in close to see all the options. "I like the green."

"I like green," Cady acknowledges. "The Plastics will kill me if I get anything except pink, though."

"Pfft, who cares about them? Regina did this to you," Janis scoffs.

"Because we made her gain weight," Cady retaliates. "This light pink is cute."

"Do whatever you want, Cupcake."

"Cupcake?" Damian responds immediately, accompanied with a gag.

"Look at this little faaaaace," Janis coos, leaning harder into it and squishing Cady's cheeks rather than trying to fend off her friend. Cady goes along with it too, batting her eyelashes coquettishly at him. "Isn't she just the cutest widdle thing?"

"You two are gonna ruin my life together, aren't you?"

“Mm-hmm!" Cady hums happily, her cheeks still smushed in her girlfriend's hand. Damian rolls his eyes. Janis gives Cady's squished-out lips a kiss before she lets her go and smirks at her friend.

"You're the one who was literally speechless for four hours after we told you we were dating," she responds.

"I was in shock, shut up."

"Because your matchmaking never works?"

Damian huffs. "Whatever, it does."

"Name one time."

"This!" Damian insists, gesturing frantically between the two of them. Janis rolls her eyes.

"Whatever you say, Princess," she replies. Damian smiles.

"Thank you."

The doctor returns towards the tail end of that argument and shoots Cady a confused look. Cady just shrugs a little. She hands back all the cast swatches and goes with the light pink she had liked. She does really like it, and the Plastics won't crucify her for it. Well, they might anyway for what happened at the parade, and for needing a clunky, bulky cast in the first place. But at least this'll show she has decent taste and the ability to match.

Janis and Damian each take and squeeze one of her hands as her bones are painfully squished back where they need to be and wrapped in layers upon layers of fabric. The pink shell finishes the job, and Janis asks the doctor for a Sharpie so she and Damian can be the first to sign it.

"Do it small," Cady insists. Damian shoots her a strange look, but they both sign their names in the smallest letters they can right by her toes. Janis adds a little heart by hers for good measure. "Thanks, guys."

Cady gets fit for a set of crutches. It takes a while and she ends up with kids size ones, but eventually she's clicking slowly across the parking lot and finally on her way home.

"Jan, you wanna come over?" Damian asks. Cady pouts a little. She knows he and Janis are best friends, and that they definitely hang out without her sometimes, but it's not like Damian to ask with Cady right there.

"Nah, I gotta go get Stevie," Janis replies. Damian nods. Cady is confused when they pull into Janis' driveway. She should've been dropped off first. Her house is much further out of the way. "Bye Peanut."

Cady returns the kiss she gives. "Bye, baby."

Damian gags in the front seat. "Bye, dumbass."

"Bye, slut," Janis replies, blowing him a kiss as she climbs out of the car in the most complicated way she can and runs into her house.

Damian puts the car back in gear and keeps driving. Cady is more confused when they pull into his driveway. He turns the car off and gets out, leaving Cady alone in the backseat.

"You coming?" he asks, knocking on her window upon noticing she hasn't moved. Cady jumps.

“You're not taking me home?"

"I am not leaving you alone to navigate that house with one foot. But I'll take you home if you'd rather be there," Damian responds.

Cady shakes her head. "No. No, uh... thanks."

"Of course," Damian replies. "Now come on, cripple, my mom'll make us milkshakes."

"Your mom?" Cady asks with a smile.

"Oh, shit, you haven't met her yet! Uh, be ready for like, a lot of hugs. And she might cry. She's a big empath."

"Okay," Cady giggles. "She sounds great."

"She is," Damian says with a small smile. He unlocks the door and drops their stuff in the small area for shoes and coats and bags. "Ma, I'm home! And I brought Cady!"

Stanley comes running down the hall as soon as she hears the door. Damian protectively stands in front of Cady so the excited pup doesn't knock her over, but Cady smiles and rests her crutches against the wall so she can give the sweet little thing some scritches. "Hi, Stanley! How are you, baby girl?! Oh, yes, hi! I missed you too!"

"Stanley, gentle, Caddy's broken," Damian says. Stanley actually does calm a little bit, sniffing curiously at Cady and wagging her entire rear end instead of jumping on her like she did last time.

"Hey, baby girl!" Damian's mother greets, coming down the hallway in such a blaze of glory that it's immediately apparent where Damian gets his showmanship from. Cady looks up and smiles as she wraps him in a hug.

"Hi Ma," Damian responds, hugging his mom back and handing Cady her crutches again.

"How was the parade?" his mom asks, leading the two of them down the hall. She clocks Cady hobbling after them, then. "Ah."

"Yeah, she broke her ankle," Damian responds.

"At the parade?! Oh, honey!" his mom says immediately, wrapping Cady in such a tight hug she thinks she hears a few of her ribs pop. "You poor thing! Oh, come in, come in, sit down. Damian, help her to the living room, come on now."

"Can we go to my room instead?" Damian asks. His mom rolls her eyes.

"Yes, go ahead. It's on this floor, Cady, don't worry baby."

"Thanks, Ms. Hubbard," Cady replies with a smile. She gets another tight hug and actually has to cough a little when she's released to get her breathing back in a normal rhythm.

"Of course, baby! What kind of milkshakes do y'all want?"

"Oreo?" Damian suggests. Ms. Hubbard looks to Cady, and she nods eagerly. "Please."

"Coming right up."

"Thank you," Cady says as she's off back to the kitchen.

"Don't mention it, baby!" she calls back.

"Your mom is great," Cady says. Damian nods. Cady squeaks in surprise as he hauls her onto his back and starts carrying her down the hall towards his bedroom next to the garage.

"She is."

"She's very comforting," Cady continues. Damian nods again. "I see where you get it from."

"D'aww, thanks," Damian coos. He's actually blushing a little bit, and Cady smiles as he rests her down on his cushy bed. He fusses over her like a worried mother, helping her take her makeup and ears off as Cady looks around his bedroom for the first time. She's been here before for movie nights, but only ever in the basement.

None of the actual drywall is visible; completely plastered over with posters of drag queens and black-and-white photos of old Broadway stars. Cady can barely breathe for Judy Garland and Cher and RuPaul. There's fairy lights of all colors hanging from the crown molding, illuminating and twinkling over a full wall of Playbills in protective clear plastic sleeves. The furniture is a bit plain by comparison, but it all just feels like Damian's spirit has exploded into the room. It's amazing.

"Your room is so cool," Cady says.

"Thanks!"

"You have a lot of Playbills," Cady continues. "Have you actually seen that many shows?"

"God, no," Damian chuckles. "The top row there are the only ones I've seen in person, the rest are from eBay."

"Cool," Cady replies.

"Has Janis taught you about musicals yet?"

Cady shakes her head with a smile. "She said she wouldn't be able to do it justice."

Damian snorts. "Yeah, right. She just doesn't want to sit through them."

"She doesn't like them?"

"She only watches them once a year on my birthday and if I sing a lyric that could even approach being from a musical she'll punch me in the jugular."

"Really?"

Damian nods, fiddling with the mouse to wake up the computer and typing in his pin. "You've brought a lot of her walls down. So... thanks for that."

"I'm glad," Cady replies softly. "She deserves it."

"She does," Damian agrees. He shrugs suddenly. "Anyway, what do you want to watch?"

"You pick. I don't know anything," Cady giggles. Damian nods and opens a folder full of bootlegs. He murmurs the titles under his breath until he lands on a good first musical for her.

"Ooh! Okay, here, you'll love this one. The movie is good too, but the stage production is amazing."

Cady cuddles into his arm and peeks at the file name. She squeals, "Lions?!"

"Lions is an understatement for The Lion King," Damian says. Cady wiggles excitedly as he opens it and makes it full screen. "Can you see?"

"Mmhmm. Thanks, D."

"Anytime, Little Slice."

His mom pops in with their milkshakes a few minutes in and seems completely unphased seeing her son cuddled up with a girl she's known for fifteen minutes. Apparently this is normal for him. "Thank you, Ms. Hubbard."

"You're welcome, sweet girl. Y'all just holler if you need anything, alright? Ooh, Lion King. That's a good one," she replies as she leaves again.

"Cady's from Kenya," Damian explains.

"No shit?" his mom replies, making Cady choke on her milkshake in shock.

"Um, yeah, I just moved here this summer," she says.

"Ain't that something. Alright, have fun, you two."

"Thanks, Ma," Damian says as she shuts the door behind her.

They sip at their tasty milkshakes while they watch. Cady might be in love. She's immediately bopping along to all the musical numbers and oohing and aahing over the special effects.

Damian looks at her expectantly when the curtain call is over.

"That was so cool!" she squeals. "Can we watch it again?"

Damian laughs. "I'm glad you liked it. You like musicals now?"

Cady nods eagerly. "Yeah."

"Good," Damian says with a victorious smirk. He takes a picture of them cuddled up together and sends it to Janis with a caption reading, I win Caddy likes musicals. He gets an eye roll emoji in response and clicks off his phone with a smug grin. "Let's try something else, but we'll come back if you want to after."

"Okaaaaay," Cady huffs jokingly.

They watch about four more, occasionally shifting positions to keep comfy on Damian's plush bed. The milkshakes are long gone, but neither of them care.

"Thanks for taking care of me," Cady murmurs after the last one. Damian gently bumps into her.

"Anytime. Sorry Janis was busy, I know she wanted to be the one to kidnap you."

"No, it's okay," Cady says immediately. "I love her, but she'd be so worried she'd barely let me move. Not that that's bad, she's just... a lot, sometimes."

"You love her, eh?" Damian teases. Cady blushes. "Oh, shit, do you?"

"I mean... we've only been dating for a month," Cady begins hesitantly. "But... I might... already love her, like, a lot."

"D'aaawww, my little gaybies," Damian squeals.

"Shut up," Cady scoffs.

"She loves you too," Damian says matter-of-factly.

Cady looks at him. "She does?"

"I told you earlier. This bitch will not shut up about you. I've never seen her like this. It's kind of freaky," Damian chuckles. "Always, have you seen Caddy's eyes up close? They're such a pretty green. And she's sooooo tiiiiny, she just fits in my arms like a puzzle."

"She did not say that."

"On RuPaul she did."

Cady blinks. "Did I break her?"

"Honestly? Maybe. But I like it. She's annoying sometimes, but this Janis seems... healthier."

"Good," Cady replies.

"You, on the other hand," Damian replies, looking pointedly at her left foot. Cady giggles.

"It's fixed, I'll be okay," she replies.

"You got lucky there, kid. I really thought you were gonna need surgery," Damian says.

"I did too, honestly," Cady admits.

"...And now I think about it, Regina is a little chubbier."

"Right? It totally worked!" Cady squeals. Damian laughs. "Now we just have to get people to stop treating her like the queen bee and get Aaron out of her clutches."

"Godspeed, soldier. Doing the lord's work," Damian says with a salute. Cady giggles. "Do you, like, wanna go home?"

Cady sighs. "I should."

"Bitch, is that what I asked? Do you want to or not?" Damian insists.

"I mean... it's always weird there without my parents," Cady mumbles, fidgeting with her fingers. "But I don't wanna impose."

"Hold on," Damian says. Cady jumps when he turns his head to the side and hollers, "Ma!"

"What?!" his mother yells back.

"Can Cady sleep over?!"

"Her folks okay with it?!"

"Your folks okay with it?" Damian asks Cady in a much, much softer tone. Cady nods in confusion. Damian yells back, "Yeah!"

"Then she's always welcome! Dinner's in half an hour!" his mom replies.

"Thank you!" Cady yells.

"You're welcome, baby!"

"See? Problem solved," Damian says. Cady giggles.

"You're the best, D."

"And don't you forget it."

————-

thank you for reading!!

i have a oneshot coming for y'all on wednesday that i'm very (cautiously) excited about and am working myself to the bone trying to get the next chapter of this and another oneshot done per my usual "schedule" if you can call it that lol.

i apologize for not being more prepared but i spent most of february auditioning for the tour!! so that took a lot of my focus but it's done now and i am back in as full of a swing as i can get lol.

so fingers crossed! and if i don't get it done in time you'll just get three of each with my next round of fics :)

thank you all so much again for being here. i love every little one of you muppets so dearly.

lots of love,

ezzy

#mean girls #mean girls 2004 #mean girls musical #mean girls the musical #mean girls broadway #mean girls on broadway #mean girls 2024 #cadnis #paint by numbers #space safari #cady heron x janis sarkisian #cady x janis #cady heron #janis sarkisian #janis ian #janis ‘imi’ike #picking teams

[exy-is-sexy]

I was tagged by lovely @ca-van and I want to thank them for the opportunity ❣️❣️

Are you named after anyone?

Yes, I'm named after my father's mother who I hate. And I dreaded it my whole life. So Neil my boy I feel you :p

When was the last time you cried?

Well that's embarrassing.... I had a nasty break up on this Thursday and yesterday I really realized what happened and I broke down and cried.

Do you have kids?

I don't and I don't want to have biological kids like ever. I want to adopt in the future when I have a stable life and a better mental health.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

With people I'm close to hellss yeah. But I try not to overdo it with strangers.

What sports do you play/ have you played?

Believe it or not I used to be an athletic person! That was before my highschool years. I decided to focus on my studies and had a few problems so I took a long break. I used to play tennis, soccer, volleyball, bocce (I know it's not really a sport but I have a medal on bocce :p) , swimming. I played tennis professionally and have two medals. But if I pick up a racket now I would suck so bad :p

What's the first thing you notice about people?

Their face and especially their eyes. Believe it or not I can determine their personality and their general intentions by looking into their eyes.

Any special talents?

I am an ok writer. And I'm good with music. I can sing, play the guitar and piano (just a bit tho). I am like a human Shazam, what I mean is I can hear a song and say which artist it belongs to (if I know the artist). Other than those useless ones :p I think I'm good with languages. I currently know four languages and I want to pick up a few more.

Where were you born?

Turkey. No not the bird, the country :p

What are your hobbies?

Arguing about philosophy, history or politics with my friends. Learning new stuff about those things. Listening to music, reading fanfictions, reading books, singing and engaging with our lovely fandom :))

Do you have pets?

I used to have fish and a bird. Now I don't have any pets. But in the future I want multiple cats that I will name Gender Slayer the First, the Second and so on and I will just call them Gen, Slay or some other abbreviations.

How tall are you?

162 cm. I'm not gonna look up the ft system sorry :p

Favorite subject in school?

Science and math. But in highschool my favorite was physics and philosophy. I really love things that force me to think. I'm not boring I swear :')

Dream job?

Journalist, singer, archeologist, historian, Professor of mathematics or something I think. The first four are impossible for me because in my family they are considered "unsuccessful" so I'll probably be a computer engineer or even a professor of computer engineering some day.

I'm tagging @stabbyfoxandrew , @deadeyesthickthighs and @dianblch . ❣️❣️❣️

[violetfoxviolarose]

Even More N.E.R.D.S. Incorrect Quotes.

Definitely stealing some of these for my NERDS side project I'm working on (*cough* it's on ao3 *cough*) in between my main fic. Enjoy friends!

Heathcliff: I have issues.

Jackson: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

Heathcliff: With you.

~~~~~

Julio: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.

Matilda: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.

Julio: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn’t eat.

~~~~~

Any of them, tbh: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

~~~~~

Heathcliff: Oh man, you have any shaving cream?

Julio: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.

Heathcliff: Wait… you eat shaving cream?

Julio: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste.

~~~~~

Julio, to Jackson: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Jackson: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.

Julio: You just told me you're pregnant.

Matilda: Congratulations Jackson, you're glowing!

~~~~~~~

Jackson: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Julio: Apparently, we're not.

~~~~~~~

Julio: What happened to your nose?

Matilda: I used it to break some guy's fist.

~~~~~

Ruby: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.

Jackson: Hot dog costumes!

Ruby: I’m sorry, what?

Jackson: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Julio, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Julio hates hot dogs, so he probably won’t eat us.

Ruby: Are you saying that Julio would rather eat us than hot dogs?

Julio: I do hate hot dogs.

~~~~~

Jackson: Why are your tongues purple?

Duncan: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Matilda: I had a red one.

Jackson: oh.

Jackson:

Jackson: OH.

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff: You drank each other's slushies?

~~~~~

Ruby: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Julio: I know what I saw.

~~~~~

Jackson: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.

~~~~~

Julio: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh…

Heathcliff, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?

Julio, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

~~~~~

Matilda: I need to dye my hair.

Ruby: …

Matilda: Or get another tattoo.

Ruby: …

Matilda: Or a new piercing.

Ruby: Why?

Matilda: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

~~~~~

Julio: Is the pink panther a lion?

Jackson: Say that again but slower.

Julio: I don’t get it.

Jackson: He’s a PANTHER.

Julio: Is that a type of lion?

Jackson: No, it’s a fucking panther.

Julio: *googles panther* They aren’t pink?

Jackson: AND LIONS ARE?!

~~~~~

Ruby: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Duncan, Jackson, Heathcliff, and Julio: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

~~~~~

Duncan: I told Julio to grab snacks for everyone.

Ruby, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes fruit snacks?

*Duncan, Heathcliff, and Julio raise their hands*

~~~~~

Julio: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?

Ruby: Bleach.

Jackson: Sewage.

Julio: …Please calm down, edgelords.

~~~~~

Jackson: Which country has the most birds?

Jackson: Portu-geese!

Ruby: That's a language.

Jackson: Portu-gull?

Ruby: Good recovery.

Matilda: I think you mean good re-dovery.

Julio: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?

~~~~~

Ruby: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.

Heathcliff: Ruby, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.

Ruby: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.

Heathcliff: Well, I mean yeah.

Ruby: So come downstairs while they’re still hot.

Heathcliff: Wait, you just made them?

Ruby: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.

Heathcliff: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Ruby.

~~~~~

Ruby: We should normalize not loving family members.

Heathcliff: You can just say: “I hate my dumb fuck uncle” or whatever. Talk like a normal person!

~~~~~

Jackson: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.

Duncan: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?

Ruby: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.

Matilda: Guys.

~~~~~

Julio: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Matilda: Sleeping is nice.

Julio: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

~~~~~

Julio: Blue M&Ms are the best.

Matilda: whAT IS THIS SLANDER?

Julio: What about it? They are.

Matilda: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!

Matilda: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST!

Julio: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO!

Heathcliff: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything.

Jackson: I like the yellow ones.

Julio and Matilda: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH!

~~~~~

Jackson: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Jackson: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.

Heathcliff: Socks are Feetie Heaties.

Duncan: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.

Matilda: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.

Julio: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.

Ruby: I hate you guys so much.

~~~~~

Heathcliff: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

Jackson: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

~~~~~

Ruby: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.

Matilda: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

~~~~~

Matilda: I'm not that stupid!

Heathcliff: Matilda, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.

Matilda: JACKSON TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

~~~~~

Julio: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this group.

Matilda: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine?

Julio: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar.

~~~~~

Duncan: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Julio: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back…

Heathcliff: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Ruby: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Jackson: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Matilda: Mental stability, my old friend!

Duncan: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?

#N.E.R.D.S #n.e.r.d.s #headcanon #duncan dewey #julio escala #ruby peet #heathcliff hodges #jackson jones #matilda choi #headcanons #high school headcanons #nerds headcanons #incorrect quotes #headcanon: jackson is bad at math #headcanon: julio hates hot dogs

[carcrash429]

Asking all the things: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23?

wow this really made me dig through and look at literally everything I've written this year XD

19. Share your favorite opening line- from Tear Through the Night and Raise Some Hell:

The clouds hung heavy over Gotham’s boneyard, no more or less threatening than any other part of the city.

20. Share your favorite ending line- from The Ocean:

The Winter Soldier was a force of nature. But Bucky Barnes is a person. And if he disappears, Clint will go looking for him.

21. Share your favorite piece of dialogue- okay this is from Deep-Fried, which is a silly, dialogue-only Thanksgiving coda to my Clint/Bobbi + Clint/Bucky fic that I wrote out specifically because this exchange is so funny to me:

"Deep frying -" "You're going to blow yourself up." "Deep frying is -" "Seriously you love grilling, just grill the damn thing." "Deep frying a turkey in the backyard is a time-honored Thanksgiving tradition and -" "We don't even have a backyard! It's a roof! The grill is so much safer!" "It’s a part of my heritage!" "Look there's gonna be a ton of people and some of us eat a lot so why not make one turkey on the grill and another one in the deep fryer?" "...Don't bring logic into this, James."

22. Share an excerpt from your favorite scene- from my very first fic Still Breathing, one of the two pieces I built the fic around and started actually writing because of:

"Look," he started over, "Clint's in his mid 30’s, right? 34, 35 thereabouts?" Encouraged by the general mumble of agreement, he kept going. "He's been an Avenger for the past three years, and he was a SHIELD agent for about a decade before that? So he was 21 years old when he was recruited to SHIELD."  Based on the startled looks he got, Bucky was pretty sure none of them had ever done that math before. "SHIELD doesn't recruit just anybody," he explained further. "Clint got recruited at 21 years old because at 21 years old he was already one of the world's best assassins. Not just a marksman with great aim. A master assassin who had enough high quality confirmed kills to make him worth SHIELD's time. Twenty. One. Years. Old." Bucky took a deep breath.  "It takes years of training to become an assassin. And no one trains a child to be a killer out of love," he finished flatly. Silence fell. 

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out? omg the entire second half of Star-Crossed Brothers pretty much. The Barney - Natasha fight in particular got like a bajillion rewrites:

“Better off without me? Without me he’d be dead,” Barney spat back, temper flaring quick as a struck match. “Who the hell are you to judge me when you clearly don’t know shit about what I’ve done for him.” “I know you shot him.” “So did you,” he countered quickly, ignoring the shock from the rest of the room. “But when he needs your help, you’ve got his back. And when he needs my help, I’ve got his back. Always.”

#ask games #thanks for asking!! #2023 year in review #carcrash writing

[linusbenjamin]

thank you so much for tagging me @justafanbutcurious <3

1. are u named after anyone? no 2. when was the last time you cried? today because of family issues 3. do u have kids/want anyone? i don't have kids and i don't want to. like never. 4. what sports do/have u played? badminton when i was a kid. i still want to but i don't have any friends :( 5. do u use sarcasm? all the time. i just can't help myself at some point. 6. what do u notice first about people? i can figure out if they're rude or kind just by looking at their faces and their voice tone. 7. eye colour? brown 8. scary movies or happy endings? happy endings. 9. any talents? does gifmaking count as a talent? lol 10. where were u born? turkey 11. what are your hobbies? definitely gifmaking first. big fan of collecting stuff. then watching movies and series. i like walking a lot and i play guitar sometimes. 12. do u have any pets? i had. his name was metin and he's unfortunately gone... 13. how tall are u? 5'1 :) 14. favourite subject in school? physics and math (i was never good at it but i like science) 15. dream job? two of the things i probably would passionately do would be to be an actress or a musician.

tagging whoever wants to participate!

#asked

[khodorkovskaya]

21.03.23

i remember this time around last year my friend from maths told me that she has "reverse" seasonal depression as in she gets depressed when it's spring/summer, instead of autumn/winter how it usually goes for most people. and i was baffled! how can you get depressed when days get longer, the sun gets warmer, trees start blooming, birds start singing, etc? in winter everything is dark and cold and gloomy, it makes sense to be a little depressed. but spring..?!

but this year i really feel her... ive been dreading the arrival of spring. because spring means warm weather and warm weather means going on walks and going on walks means going on walks with B. but this year there is no B. there's just me and my loneliness and my shitty nostalgia. and every time the sun shines a little too brightly or the birds sing a little too happily, i want to burst into tears. so all i want to do is stay inside and pretend it's still winter and im still in my comfortable warm cocoon because hey it's normal to stay inside and be alone when it's winter, right? but fuck. i go outside and want to kms.

this "reverse" seasonal depression thing has turned into paranoia. whenever im out and about in town, im constantly looking around myself, staring into the face of every passing stranger, convinced that i am going to bump into B. i can't sit still, i can't walk straight, no no no... i have to constantly be looking left and right, turning my head, always checking... and when i get a glimpse of some tall guy with dark hair or, worse, someone crouched on a bike, i get a manic adrenalin rush like oh my god it's him! but it's never him, of course.

what's worse is that that one lana song has gotten quite popular on instagram and it seems like every reel i watch has it. and that song takes me back to one particular moment with B.

every time i discover a new song i like, i listen to it on repeat until i get sick of it. and in spring of 2018 that song was "say yes to heaven". it already made me all teary eyed when i first heard it. there's something about it idk, it really touched me.

so it was the beginning of spring and B and i went for our usual walk in the countryside by the bridge. and we were talking about love and he started telling me about his ex. in a very neutral manner, nothing extraordinary, just like "this is how my first relationship went". and, sure, to him it felt like a story from the past. he was like what, 16 when it happened? and he was 29 when he was telling me about it. it was a typical first love story that everyone has, really nothing special. but to my teenage self it was the most heartbreaking thing i had ever experienced. i couldn't fathom the fact that B was my first love, but his first love was someone else.

i listened to his story, of course, and i was curious about it. her name was antoinette and they met at scouts. he seduced her by playing guitar. i don't know why but i had always imagined her with bright red hair. not as in ginger, but as in dyed cartoonish red hair. and a striped shirt with black skinny jeans. maybe it was because her name sounded so damn french that she absolutely had to have a stiped shirt in my imagination. but yeah, dyed red hair and bright red freckles. that was B's first love for me. when i came home that day, i listened to "say yes to heaven" and cried, imagining B being as innocently in love with her as i was with him, mourning the fact that he would never love me this way and how i could never be his first. and now whenever i hear that song, i think about 19 year old me crying and i want to cry again.

i later learned about B's other ex, meriç. this was a whole different story and at first i thought that it would be easier for me to digest. after all, they hadn't parted on good terms and B would often use her as a bad example. they were toxic, he said. but the more i thought about meriç, the worse i felt about myself. i couldn't get over the fact that B moved to turkey for her! and for me, well... i once mentioned the fact that i was thinking about going to another city for uni and B threw a tantrum. he would never sacrifice anything for me, i thought, he would never move to a different country for me. that meriç girl must've had something i didn't.

after giving it some thought, id made up my mind about meriç and drew a clear picture of her in my mind just like i had done with antoinette. my imaginary meriç was sexy. that's why he moved to turkey for her, i explained to myself. and toxic relationships are always extremely sexual, right? the whole fighting and making up and fucking thing. there's always a thrill, always a chase... men love that shit, right? meriç was exciting, feisty, sexually liberated. and when B would whine about me not wanting to do anal or being shy while giving him blowjobs, the thought of meriç would occupy my mind. she probably said yes to anal, i thought. she probably looked into his eyes while sucking his dick and im too fucking sexually useless to do any of this shit. that's why he moved to turkey for her and wouldn't want to move to a city that's 3 hours away for me.

and so there i was, the most boring and forgettable girlfriend. antoinette had the infatuation, the romance, the rush of first love. meriç had the thrill, the lust, the toxic passion. and me? well... no matter how many times B would tell me that i was the best he'd ever had, it would never get through to me. it frustrated me that we weren't on the same page. to me our relationship was exciting and firey and felt like destiny and i would get the strongest butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling while looking at him to the point of feeling intoxicated. and at the same time i would feel devastated and suicidal even when something would go wrong. it was full of ups and downs and crazy hormonal rushes. and to him it was his third serious relationship, calm and calculated, no hard feelings. "i feel so calm when im with you," he would tell me. and it felt like defeat.

i saw a picture of meriç once. i had to stalk her on facebook, of course i had! she looked quite similar to me actually, with a wave in her hair and full cheeks. at least that's what my bestie had pointed out because, of fucking course, i showed her the picture. it was only years later that B had told me that him and meriç had no sexual chemistry and it was quite frustrating. and maybe he lied, but i wish 19 year old me would've known that. she's married now. and so is antoinette. she has a daughter i think? or two. i don't know. but they've moved on. and i will move on from B. and he'll probably tell his next girlfriend about me. or not. who knows what he would say. and what she will think. will she imagine me with red hair and freckles? who knows.

#march

[anubisthe1]

Saw a girl on tik tok, say itach gives Turkish vibes, and boyyyyyyyy they are so right So I will explain my reasons why I think so:

1. Turkey, just like most Arab countries, loves cats so much its probably flooded with them.

2. The tea. Sure, they're got coffee too, but in every Turkish series, you will see this on the table all the time.

3. Historically speaking, the sons of the sulltan have to kill each other in order to get the throne. The daughters are fine and unaffected, but the sons do some brother killing. ( coming from someone that has seen both sulejman and kosem and let me tell you for the longest time, it was advised to kill your brother. Otherwise, the other option was to get killed. We know which option itachi would choose in that situation )

There's probably more, but I had to get these 3 off my chest. Ahh, and another thing, turkish people will call complete strangers "abi- brother or ablla- sister".

Don't know how these fit itachi, but in my head, the math is mathing.

#this is coming from someone whose country was considered part of the ottoman empyrie for 500 years untill we fought for liberty #also as someone who has seen minimum 50 long turkish series with my family #again my points are “ itachi from the cat clan” #“itachi loves tea” #and the bond between brothers turkish people have #alsooooo his Japanese va has that deep voice that makes me think that itachi could speak fluent turkish #its fitting to me #anyways #itachi #itachi uchiha

[quarantinescarpet]

My quotes list from over the years

FRESHMAN

-“‘tis I the frenchiest fry.”

-“Someone’s stabbing me in the leg with a spork.”

-“I A DEMOCRAT OOPS”

-Spill the pony tea.

-How many geese would it take to bring down a full grown man?

-Point is, I love you both and I would 10/10 ride a motorbike

-“Apparently someone in Mr. Hopkins G block got scared of turkey noises.”

-“It’s like... it’s like a stupid game of Russian roulette Tetris with giant death machines”

-“I feel like you'd have a shrine to remember Spider-man, complete with candles and every single ‘mr stark I don't feel so good’ meme printed out.”

-“don’t ask me, I don’t know anything about the sex”

-“I WILL RIP YOUR DICK OFF”

-“What’s the difference between gay silence and regular silence?”

-“what yields a focus pencil? A patience tree?”

-“I might boogie on the desk so hard that the gum keeping it together gets unchewed and yeets back into the dimension it belongs in”

-“You smell like my fencing teacher”

-“sponsor a sponsor! Become a child”

-“Woof woof bitch, im a furry.”

-“yo to the hoe”

-“does my emoji still smell?”

SOPHOMORE

-“peter doesn't have a detachable head”

-“two thirds of me is wearing glasses”

-“You look like you have autism. Are you vaccinated?”

-“When did Haydar become friends with Emily?” “In hell”

-“I know you have something to do with Filbert”

-“Ayo beans check”

-“Who cares about beating the game‽ I’m a goose.”

-“You can’t make contact lenses out of cranberries”

-“cannabalism is for beans”

-“You know the party is lit when the epileptic kid starts doing the worm”

-“Imagine getting stabbed to the beastie boys”

-“I CANT TORTILLA MY CHOCOLATE MILK”

-“Pure drip”

-“The All Mighty King Tuggle Wuggle the Original... The 5th”

-“It’s a drink.” “Coal?” “I’m sorry who the heck is drinking coal??” “It’s heroin.”

-“Is climate change good or bad?”

-“I’ve had to keep her from stealing my toes for so long”

-“Apples are delicious, babies are not.”

-“It’s like I’m exfoliating my knuckle”

-“We are literally just birds.”

-“I’m slowly transitioning to emo. Today I’m wearing navy blue, tomorrow it will be black.”

-“Omg Aimee why are you such a try hard” “Oh my god Ava why are you orange?”

-“Wait what the fuck does crashing a funeral have to do with driving?”

-“Why are blonde people driving???”

-“That house looks like stephen king” “its super thicc?”

-“If you don’t do your homework, they are legally allowed to steal your cells”

-“Why would digging up graves be a problem we have to cover during a spa day??”

-“I would commit neck rape”

-“he looked at me and I looked at him and I was like ‘genocide’”

-“like Klaus, from Klaus”

-“SANKADANKA”

-“facism is also gender neutral”

-“I mean we all knew that the birds just wanted the body to be gone!”

JUNIOR

-“you know what they say in chemistry”

-“I got it from bed bath and behind you”

-“A two line poem. I see a frog. My heart: 💕❤️💓💗💕”

-“who needs a straw when you can suck it out the hole?”

-“I wish I could get neutered”

-“eggs are so well named”

-“You’re not a fandon? We don’t standon.”

-“If you’re horny just walk it off”

-“potatoes and molasses, there is inequality between the classes!”

-“save the tiddies”

-“I think I could explain socialism” “okay do it” *doesnt do it*

-“what part of no interruptions does Trump not get?” “The english part”

-“my knees how they crackle like rice crispies”

-“the planet is dying you fucking walnut”

-“do you think I’d be able to avoid conversion therapy?” ”no you look dumb as shit have fun at camp.”

-“the US military uses 738 billion dollars per year, and we can’t dunk the moon into the pacific ocean? Where are our priorities? Disgusting.”

-“I hope he dies on my birthday”

-“the doctor’s sewing you up and you’re like ‘harder daddy’ and they just leave you to bleed out on the floor.”

-“I don’t know what your parents do for a living” “I’d have to kill you if you found out” “oh he’s a conversion therapist?”

-“Peaning, pregnancy, protection.”

-“Being railed and math are two totally different things”

-“Aren’t all white people just german strokes?“

-“the pickles are tasty tonight, don’t you think?”

-"Gay people have feelings too! I mean those feelings aren't valid, but they have them!"

-“Grapefruit is the Wild Kratts of roblox”

-“My lungs are rejecting christianity”

-“Lettuce cereal”

-“get zooted”

-“why are they doin that to my boi Eric Snowblower???” “... do you mean Elric Stormbringer??” “Yes OMG hi futon”

-“Milk towel (sent with gentle effect)“

-“nose haemorrhoids”

-“my favourite colour is bitches”

-“THE LESBIAN FISH WHATS HER NAME”

-“You’ll have time to pull moose daddy”

-“The more you beat it the bigger it gets”

-“Were you wa today??”

-“oh uh slaves are now horses”

-“tarnsgender is a lifestyle”

-“not me misgendering my dishwasher”

-“Kiss! Kiss Kiss!”

-“its a regular human but you can open it up and take a shit inside of it” “like a kangaroo”

-“kiss kill marry, good piss boy, eric snowblower, michael”

-“if you don’t wanna strike the set, strike yourself.”

-“did you listen to waterparks in middle school or have you had sex?”

-“he said his pullout game is strong and he’s only used a condom six times” “tell him he needs the practice”

-“its a didney movie”

-“I already have a dick so I’m good with the foot sucking, thanks!”

-“I don’t misgender you cause you changed your pronouns I just misgender you cause you have pronouns”

-“made a joke and nobody laughed”

-“You’re a socialist gray shut up”

-“dont straddle my dog shes a child!”

-“chloe, kim, kendall, kourtney,,, the genders”

-“which constellation looks most like a dick”

-“I’m being intimate with my pudding. Only my pudding loves me.” “Yeah but it feels a little violated”

-“vending machine, easy bake oven, and ramen are the four food groups?”

-“mom I found your tinder”

-“doesnt this baby look like it would grow up to be hitler?”

-“anti smack”

-“I said no farting”

-“I’m at the point in this trip where I want to make out a little with every dog I see.”

-“I’m worried about your mom right now” “I’m worried about the dogs”

-“I’m going to start streaming” “awesome I’ll watch you! I’ll download Tinder”

-“jesus is coming are you clenching?” “Did you mean swallowing???”

-“Today when I said I had an image to show you and you came to look at my phone I wasn’t on Instagram yet and I was worried you were going to see that my last google search was what is a craisin”

-“My username is deep_seated_fear_of_geese”

-“Savour the flavour, uncle”

-“potential energy this, kinetic energy that, when will anyone start paying attention to the most important energy. dumb bitch energy”

-“Happy easter i guess i don’t know why the heck jesus likes eggs so much” “Jesus has an egg obsession” “And he has a bunny fursona””

-“Cause I’m kinky for color coding”

-“I’m going to name my child Brad. With a silent gh. Braghd”

-“Headcanon that Prince Philip died because he saw unsolicited feet pics“

-“I kin prince philip”

-“theres three genders: kailer, gay tyler, and regular tyler”

-“I swear to god they spent half of their budget making those titans asses so scrumptious”

-“Everything is terrible, can’t magnum dong, repressing my emotions”

-“Master has given dobby plan b. Dobby no longer needs the hanger”

-“I want someone to be just as obsessed with me as my social worker is”

-“You wanted to end the conversation so you decided to be homophobic.”

-“It is commonly thought that there are two types of people in this world, communists and pessimists.”

-“Glass half full glass half empty everyone shares the glass”

-“I thought it was about to be something sexual about slushees and I was like: 😃?“

-“Piss on, I know how to have sex.”

-“Sarah we’re making milf jokes wake up”

-“Its like im having a panic attack but I cant stop making kink jokes”

-“good old fashioned jesus?” “I said gay sex”

-“the straggot and the slurs”

-“grandpa has had way too much time without his meds”

-“You’re gonna find ur special someone bro ❤️ or someone to raw you idk what you’re into”

-“Do you wanna represent conversion therapy?”

-“Don’t punch me! I’ll get a boner”

-“I’m known to frequent elementary schools at night”

-“ever since I found out there were ants in baked beans” “WHY ARE THEY THERE? JUST BAKE THE BEANS!”

-"aaron burr shot hamilton which is kinda kinky and im not into that" "i guess he forgot to give him his safe word then huh"

-“we can’t make these jokes tomorrow people will think we’re fucking crazy” “nah man people will just think we’re FUCKING”

-“this 14 year old just looked me straight in the eyes and said drill me daddy-o”

-“they piss on you when they’re comfortable with you. Thats how it works”

-“are penguins fish or mammals?”

-“car washes are traumatising”

-“it’s okay gray has a 22 year old sugar daddy”

-“I get vored easily and yeehaw”

-“You get really stinky when jade honks for bill”

-“Jade needs a shit sleeve when she honks for bill can we go dunky now”

-“not the llama,,, the liQuid”

-“I’m allergic to jesus”

-“if you cant see stuff in your head how come you can vacuum?”

-“dont be a whore drink instead”

-“pain is temporary, existence is temporary, we’re all temporary”

-“I did not know veggie tales was religious”

-“you’re a sussy baka yes sorry now can we watch the video”

-“I assumed everyone in tech is gray”

-“skyrim wasn’t bad I just wanted fussy”

-“im not gonna get a shrodinger kink”

-“those crocs are bitchin”

-“you seem so put together” “it’s just the shoes”

-“capitalism is my sugar daddy”

-“when aang is riding someone do you think he says yip yip

-“Capitalism breeds innovation? How bout you breed this bussy”

Senior

-“Ollie: Can Jewish people eat the Lorax?

Jillian: Yeah. He is canonically a Nazi you know

Ollie: …Are you implying that nazis are kosher?

Jillian: Yeah how do you think we won the war dumbass”

-“I wanna get manhandled”

-“chryssy is SO thicc. Thats why benson loves her.”

-“are we still meeting autism?”

-“so what im hearing is you stole my prostate??”

-"Benson doesnt have a liver? What about her alcoholism problems!”

-“do [squirrels] have beaks or are they flat?”

-“ I feel like I’d fall into a pond.”

-“I didn’t come”

-“Cis piss”

-“YOU GRABBED HIS JICK?”

-“Everytime I come out as ace people send me all their ace stuff” “omg thats what I do for my italian friends”

-“I wanna be someones thyroid problem”

-“Yeah you could go to bobby about your skin cancer”

-“I feel really pregnant right now”

-“stomachs love diluted slim jims”

-“benson is a milf”

-“aj just gave birth to me” “how?” “teamwork”

-“the universe is nothing but a collection of corpses”

-“tight shaggy”

-“the moonwalking bear will come back to haunt you”

-“You forgot your jizz in the shop”

-“Please be a monster fucker”

-“Wipe the milk moustache off your face because I can’t talk to you”

-“the moonwalking bear will come back to haunt you”

-“You forgot your jizz in the shop”

-“Please be a monster fucker”

-“Wipe the milk mustache off your face because I can’t talk to you”

-“Mr. Hands is my safe-word”

Freshman pt 2

-“nah this isn’t true love this is smash or pass man”

-“the more swords the more smash”

-“virgin??? Like VIRGINIA??”

-“He’s really going ham on him”

[perianfrost]

Join the Chorus

A Macdonald Hall advent fic, posted daily through Dec.25 Boots likes the holidays. Bruno does not. Boots has to stay at the Hall through Christmas. Bruno does not. Boots absolutely is not crushing on his best friend. Bruno... 

December 1

“--and it's an outrage!”

Wilbur casually pushed Bruno’s indignant finger down so he could get to the orange juice. “It’s just Christmas decorations, Bruno.”

Bruno banged his clenched fists on the table top. Elmer, Mark, and Chris lifted their plates just in time to avoid the reverberations. “It’s not just Christmas, Wilbur! It’s not Christmas yet! Thanksgiving turkey leftovers are still in the fridge! There were red satin bows before breakfast this morning! Red satin bows! It’s a capitalist’s wet dream!”

Boots ignored Bruno with the ease of long practice. Seven years of enduring howling tirades over every injustice known to man had made him both completely inoculated and partially deaf. “You don't even get up for breakfast. And Thanksgiving is in October, Bruno.”

“The Americans are losing key ground in the battle! They’re letting Christmas win.”

Boots rolled his eyes. “I like Christmas. It looks nice in here.” He tossed a thumb at the holly boughs along the buffet tables, the icicle tinsel glimmering in the windows. The entire hall was in the process of getting its yearly holiday makeover, and Boots had no complaints. This time of year always made him a little homesick, but the Hall looked great. 

“It looks like Santa’s elf tried to win an eating contest against Wilbur,” Bruno countered. “Red and green don’t even go together. It’s basic color theory. I slept through that class and I know that! Chris, tell ‘em!”

Chris shoveled another slice of ham into his mouth. “Mmmph mooulm.”

“Look at it. Just look at it.” Bruno pointed in great disgust across the room to the red bows dancing along the walnut wainscoting. “Sickening.”

Boots hid the sigh. Bruno had complained about the Christmas decorations since their very first year. It was something of a Christmas tradition itself. 

It shouldn’t have made him smile. 

Unfortunately, it did. 

He cleared his throat and went back to lunch. At his elbow, Bruno went back to rabble-rousing. 

Everything was as it should be. 

~*~

“It’s just not natural. Every time I turn around, I trip over some trailing ribbon. Sidney did after math, so he’s in the infirmary. If  we start now, we can–” Bruno shut the door and kicked off his shoes. “What’s with the face?”

Boots picked up his textbook from his chest and began reading again. “It’s my face. What about it?”

Melvin dear, this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and there were only two tickets in the prize package. Don’t lots of boys stay the holidays at the Hall? Edward seemed happy enough. Anyway, you boys never want to come home in the summer. Spend some extra time with your friends. It’ll be wonderful, and next year we’ll all do something together.

Bruno eyed him. Boots stared harder at the page. They stewed in silence for a moment, Bruno just inside the door and Boots propped up against both his own pillows and the ones he’d stolen from Bruno’s bed. 

Bruno broke just as Boots started to sweat. He hucked his sweater over his head–Boots pretended very much not to see the way Bruno’s thin undershirt ride up– and cannonballed onto his bed. “So I was thinking. All this Christmas bunk. It’s already basically put Rampulsky in the hospital. What if we formed a group–”

“--No–”

“--to take it all down and–”

“--Bruno, no–”

Bruno rattled on, Boots caught up in his wake just as always, and even if his parents had won some fancy vacation package and were ditching him and Edward at the Hall for Christmas, at least he had Bruno for another few days.

Boots O’Neil would do a lot for a little more Bruno Walton.

(This fic follows MacDonald Hall shenanigans through the month of December. I'll post daily here, then compile every five days into a chapter on Ao3. Enjoy!)

#bruno and boots #macdonald hall #fic advent 2022 #fanfic #fanfic advent #join the chorus fic