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the-entertaining-spacemans-club · 3 years

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Insulting Romance

A/N: Let’s kick this blog revival off with a holiday appropriate shitfic eh? It’s an old one from the depths of my google doc hell, and it’s involving a mixed up ship mess from a very old dead multi-fandom roleplay forum. Characters involved: Dean (SPN Canon), Sam (SPN Canon), Maebh (SPN OC), Deadpool (Marvel Canon), Fives (Star Wars Canon), SD-630 (Star Wars OC). Warnings: none, there’s mild threats of bodily harm and sexual jokes but nothing actually happens.

“Hey, you ready to go yet? Sam is freaking out being alone with Maebh.” His voice echoed up the stairs with mild annoyance etching his words.

“I don't get it, isn't this weird earth holiday all about couples? Shouldn't he not want you there? Why am I being dragged along?” Her questions barely preceded her down the stairs as she asked them in rapid succession.

“It is, it’s a dumb ‘earth holiday’ but Sam likes her and I'm just in it for the free lunch and to keep him from being… Well, Sammy.” Shrugging he leaned against the lobby wall and occupied himself with his obsolete car keys oblivious to being watched from the stairwell.

“Doesn't explain why I'm going… I don't want to be stuck in some pink plastered café surrounded by grotesque displays of adoration and happy couples.” She made a fake puking sound as she came into view to emphasize her point.

“You jealous? That's cute coming from little miss ‘let me introduce your face to my fist’. C’mon, we’ll cash in on a free lunch, make fun of all the happy couples, and then go drown our loneliness at the bar. It’ll be fun.” Alerted by the proximity of her voice he looked up in time to provide a lop sided convincing grin before ducking to avoid the boot thrown at his face.

“I'm not jealous!” Closing the distance between them she grabbed her boot and stepped back to sit on the steps to put it back on. “I just like to keep my food in my stomach where it belongs. Republic Clones and Jedi are bad enough on their own, Republic Clones and Jedi in love, out in public, on a romantic holiday? Throw me to a sarlacc please.” She couldn’t have rolled her eyes any harder as she let her thoughts stray to the blonde Jedi that had stepped in and shoved her out of the picture with a certain clone captain that she had since been avoiding.

“Uh huh… Either way, let’s go, I'm starving.” With that he opened the door and stepped out of the apartment complex into the sunny streets of the island's main town.

“Still never answered me. Don't you have any other friends you could drag along to this torture?” Catching up to him she nudged him playfully.

“None that are single, and I'm sure Jett would just love if I invited Teal along.” Rolling his eyes and dragging out Jett’s name unfavorably he continued, “Which leaves Maebh, who’s already there, and, oh look, you. So can you lighten up just a little and have fun for a change? Or are you programmed to not have fun?”

“I'm a stormtrooper not a droid, I am perfectly capable of having fun.” With an almost growl like reply she nearly shoved him into a wall as they walked.

“Right, prove it then short stack.” Stopping at a door covered in hearts he grinned and opened it to a cacophony of slow soulful music, giggling chatter, and a familiar red masked mercenary singing along to Frank Sinatra’s The Way You Look Tonight.

“Damn, Wade outdid himself this time…” Ignoring the jab at her height, or lack there of standing next to the 6’ giant beside her, she scanned the crowded diner until she spotted the date they were crashing. “Look, there’s Sam and Maebh, so glad they took the corner booth, no one has to see me here with you on this puke worthy holiday.”

“See you with me? I’m the embarrassing one? Didn’t you wreck your chances with a certain clone by being the embarrassing one?” Swaggering along beside her he nodded and grinned at each person that looked up at the pair of them with expressions of confusion or shock.

“I did not! He was a pushover and that saber wielding witch used her damn dirty jedi mind tricks on him I know it.” She hissed as she slid into the booth seat opposite Sam and Maebh before narrowing her eyes at him for additional confirmation that he was being an idiot in her opinion. “You really know how to treat a lady don’t you?”

“A lady? Where?” He slid into the booth seat and immediately doubled over to rub his shin under the table. “Dude, ow.” His previous grin was replaced by a look of shocked indignation as he glared at his brother sitting across from, ignoring the muffled chuckling coming from both women at the table.

“That's not a very clever pick up line, no wonder you're single.” The blonde managed between her stifled laughs.

“I'm single. You're single. Coincidence? I think not.” he leaned over closer to her smiling broadly with a wink.

“Ok, if you are going to start that right now, you two are going to have to find your own table.” Sam coughed drawing their attention back to the collective group.

“Hey, you asked me to be here, I wasn't going to suffer alone. Besides, I figured maybe you could tell me, you ever danced with her?” His usual cocky grin secured in place as he asked.

“No… Why?” Sam, as well as Maebh and SD, stared at him with mixed looks of confusion and worry.

“I just figured someone that’s hot as hell, had to have danced with the devil a time or two.” The trio of groans were accompanied by howling laughter from the next table over, garnering their attention to see who was listening in on their conversation.

“Oi, Fives, unless you want to eat blaster bolts and leave your date with the check, act like this entire table doesn’t exist. Got it?” SD glared between Sam and Maebh at the clone trooper sitting behind them.

“Don't be like that SD, I'm sure your date wouldn't enjoy you taking time away from him to kick my ass today. I think it’s kinda sweet you found someone to share this earth holiday with.” Fives smiled while draping his arm over his own dates shoulder smirking back at her.

“My date?!” the rest of his words fell on deaf ears as her eye twitched in aggravation. “Move your ass Dean, I'm going to make him eat those words.”

“Ouch, shot down by the droid captain herself. Knew you didn't have a heart SD.” With a wink he turned back to his table and continued to focus on his date.

“I really hope you got health insurance Fives, cause you're going to need an entire hospital to help you when I'm done with you!” Trying to physically push Dean out of the way she was determined to at the very least punch the clone in the face a few times if not outright stab him.

“Hey, if you were a droid, at least you'd be a HOT-obot. Can I just call you Optimus Fine?” Wiggling his eyebrows in a jesting manner he tried to defuse the situation before SD really did get up to start a fight with Fives.

“Wow Dean, and I thought we would be the ‘gross cute couple’ present. That was just, wow man.” Sam shook his head as Deadpool sauntered over with a tray of drinks in hand to take their order.

“So what can I get the barbershop quartet of murder and mayhem today?” Setting down the tray, he handed a beer to Dean, a glass of water to Sam, and a soda to either SD and Maebh. Tucking the now empty tray under his arm he smoothed out his apron. It was a baby pink thing with red hearts printed across that worked better than Dean's latest pick up line as both women at the table started laughing, even Sam and Dean couldn't help but chuckle.

“We all know you don't do menus, so what's the special today?” Maebh asked after composing herself.

“I'm glad you asked! Today we've got every assortment of pasta you could imagine, I highly recommend the spaghetti to share,” even with his hood on, his eyebrows raising suggestively did not go unnoticed, “as well as all the usual dishes. I focused more on the desserts than the entrees. Sundaes, giant brownies, cheesecakes, basically anything you can imagine is being whipped up!”

“I don't know what ‘the usual dishes’ are… I'm assuming Earth food?” SD asked with one brow quirked displaying her obvious confusion at everything being said.

“Do you have Alfredo in that ‘every assortment’ of pastas? Been awhile since I had a good Alfredo. You'd probably like it SD, it’s just noodles and sauce.” Maebh gave her order and offered her suggestion to SD.

“Actually that sounds pretty good, make that two please.” Sam chimed in before Deadpool had a chance to answer. Without bothering to verbally confirm their order, he pulled a notepad from his apron pocket and jotted down before looking at Dean and SD.

“I don't even know what pasta is in the first place…”

“You wouldn't like Alfredo, it’s basically vegetarian. You’ll want something with red sauce, more meat.” Dean interjected knowing that someone with a love for carnage like the captain sitting beside him would not be a fan of anything even remotely vegetarian.

“So the spaghetti to share for the killer couple, got it!” Deadpool didn't give them time to reject his choice for them before he skirted away from their table shouting towards the kitchen “I NEED TWO GREENS PEACE PLATES AND ONE LADY AND THE TRAMP!”

“Oh hell, he better bring that out on separate plates I swear.” Dean sighed as he took a drink of his beer, grateful the mercenary always magically knew what everyone wanted to drink at least.

“Don't count on it.” Sam chuckled from his side of the table.

“While we're waiting, I got another question for you.” The second the words were out of Dean's mouth Maebh hung her head knowing no good was going to come from his statement.

“Uh, what?” Already not looking forward to whatever stupid thing he was about to say.

“Is that a mirror in your pocket?” With one brow raised and his shit eating grin back in place he waited for her answer.

“No?” Looking down at her pants oblivious to the punch line she wondered why he would have asked that.

“Because I can practically see myself in them.” His other brow raised as he mimicked Deadpool earlier suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

“You'd have better luck seducing her blaster man!” Fives chimed in between laughs.

“Both of you can shut your mouths right now!” She hissed as it dawned on her what he said. “I only came along because you sounded so pathetic and desperate when you asked. This isn't a date, we are not involved romantically or casually, cut it out Dean.”

“Oh come on, lighten up!” Playfully nudging her shoulder trying to get her out of the sour mood she was in he added, “I just like to stay on top of things. Want to be one of them?”

“You're going to get stabbed-” Sam started up before Maebh interjected.

“Or shot.”

“Yes, or shot, and ruin the day for everyone here. I'm sorry he's like this SD. He's never had a woman actually say yes to spending Valentine's Day with him and it's clearly gotten to his head.” Sam explained trying to justify his brother's behavior and lower the tension.

“How sad, makes sense though.” She didn't elaborate and even looked out the window when she caught the confused look on Dean's face.

“How the hell?” He asked looking from SD to Sam and Maebh completely bewildered.

“Because on a scale from one to ten, you're a one, and I'm the nine you need.” A slight smirk crept across her face as she refrained from looking back at him in a poor attempt to keep from laughing. Maebh cracked up though at her retaliation and in turn she couldn't help but start laughing as well.

“Oh! The stormtrooper thinks she's got jokes! That's pretty cute coming from someone who must've sat in a pile of sugar.” He almost started laughing when she scooted over in the seat to see if he was being serious or not. “Because you've got a pretty sweet ass.”

“Tell me something I didn't know Darth Obvious.” With an amused snort she picked up her soda before noticing Deadpool coming back towards them with a tray of food. “Oh good, at least if your mouth is full you can't make anymore dumb jokes.”

“I got something that could fill your mouth.” He muttered quietly as he watched her start choking on her drink.

“What the kark!” Having nearly snorted out her drink through her nose she had to take a moment to get her breath back as Deadpool set out their plates.

“Alfredo for you, Alfredo for you, and please wait until you're back at your own place before you start choking on things that are hard to swallow SD, my other patrons don't need to see that.” Setting down their large shared plate of spaghetti he made a quick exit away from their table to go check on other lunch dates before SD could retaliate amidst the rest of their table laughing heartily.

Still coughing on her drink she could only glare at him as he walked off before she could reply or at least throw a knife at him. She knew it wouldn't have done any real damage to him, but it would have made her feel better that even he had gotten a jab in at her expense.

“Hey, calm down, you'll want to save your energy for tonight after all.” Dean grinned as Sam and Maebh groaned.

“Can you at least keep it clean so I can keep my food down?” Sam pleaded as he took a bite of his food and mumbled about how good it was, to which Maebh mumbled back around a bite herself.

“I make no promises, it's hard to keep it clean when you've got a health hazard sitting next to you.”

“Hey Dean?” The almost innocent nature of her question was concerning all on its own.

“Yeah?” Watching her nervously he had a nagging thought in the back of his mind to get out of the way but he stayed sitting anyways.

“You dropped something.” Looking past him at the floor beside their booth she kept up the casual tone and calm façade.

“What?” Following her gaze he didn't see anything and became confused. “No I didn't?”

“Yeah, you did…” taking advantage of him leaning towards the floor, she shoved him out of the seat before adding “your standards.” While he flailed futility to try and keep himself from falling, she took a bite of the weird mess of food sitting before her and grinned. “At least your taste in food isn't terrible.”

“You just called yourself low standard, you know that right?” He asked as he got back into his seat.

“I never said mine were great either.” She muttered as they continued to eat their meals with minimal conversation.

When their plates were mostly empty, and after a short battle for the last meatball, Deadpool came back around with drink refills. “And what can I get you all to satisfy your sweet tooth? Brownies? Ice cream? Both? Cake? Pie? -”

Almost simultaneously SD and Dean's faces lit up at the mention of pie as they perked up and asked “Pie?” Gaining them a chuckle from Sam and Maebh who both knew Dean loved pie more than any other food except maybe burgers. Looking from Deadpool to one another skeptically they spoke up at the same time again.

“You actually know what pie is?!”

“Pie is an Earth food?!”

“If I hadn't already met God, I'd think he was real now. A woman after my own heart.” He wiped away a fake tear as Deadpool took the moment to throw a handful of candy hearts in the air above them bringing both out of their shock to glare up at him in annoyance as the hard candies pelted them mercilessly.

“What the kark Deadpool! What are these things?” SD hissed as she picked one up and saw that it had words on it. “Cutie Pie? Is this some kind of joke?”

“The only joke here is that you might have actually found someone SD.” Fives piped up after being silent for too long. “Ouch! Those things hurt!” He ducked down before she could throw another one at the back of his head.

“So I think it's obvious they want pie, but can we get a Sunday please?” Maebh interjected before SD and Fives started up again.

“Of course! All the toppings?” He asked, looking at Sam and Maebh ignoring SD and Dean shaking candy hearts out of their shirts.

“Yeah? Sam?” She asked not sure if he had any allergies she should be considerate of.

“Anything you want, I'm not a big dessert person anyways.” Seeing the slightly dejected look at his words he quickly added “I'll still have a few bites though.”

“HEY SLADE I NEED A BANANA BOAT AND A COUPLE SLICES OF YOUR GRANDMA'S BLUE RIBBON!” He shouted as he started down the row of booths to take other dessert orders and shower more unknowing patrons with hard sugary treats.

“Seriously though, what are these things?” SD asked the rest of the table as she picked a few more up to read them. Pulling a disgusted face at one that read 'soul mates’ before flicking it away from her.

“They're candy with silly messages printed on them,” Maebh answered as she picked a few up to read as well. “Though there's some X-rated ones mixed in… not surprising coming from Deadpool though.”

“Hey, SD…” Dean held out a heart that clearly Deadpool had somehow managed to make and mix into the regular cutesy ones that read ‘nice ass’.

With a grin she picked through the ones on the table and held one up in reply 'eat me’. Of course she had meant it in a 'go fuck yourself’ kind if way not knowing it was intentionally one of the dirty ones mixed in.

“If you insist, we'll need that pie to go though.” Leaning closer to her he held out another ‘lets bang!’.

“I may not have a heart, but know a few other ways to get blood pumping.” She grinned as she spoke up enough for Fives to hear. The resounding sputtering of a drink was all the response she needed to start laughing her ass off. For additional effect, added for Sam and Maebh's benefit, while pushing Dean out of the booth she tacked on a “Sorry to have to bail on you guys early, but I can think of better places to enjoy a slice of pie among other things.”

“Wait, seriously?” Stunned by what was going on he didn't really have the mental capacity to object or question her as she flagged down Deadpool and dragged him along.

“What just happened?” Maebh asked Sam, equally confused.

“Dean just met his match is what just happened.” He chuckled as he leaned back into the booth seat to relax.

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