#wear whatever you want tbh but just saying it’s hot to see a fat guy with confidence like that

[cheeseburgersinparadise]

I think fat boys really need help with finding clothes that are fashionable and fit them (not a criticism, it is hard to find quality plus size clothes).

HOWEVER I also think that men should consider wearing things that aren’t just oversized shirts to hide their belly. Just like with women’s clothes, they’re taught to try and hide their body. However, seeing a fat man in something that fits them and maybe hugs their form but FITS them, is much more attractive (in my opinion).

It’s difficult because y’all are subject to the same social constructs women are, and as a cis man, it can be hard to defy the norm because they’ve never had to before.

Just something to consider. Maybe I’ll try to find some good plus size male clothes and make a post, but I’ll also tag @giantffa because I wanna say she might’ve already made one.

#anyway just some thoughts for today #wear whatever you want tbh but just saying it’s hot to see a fat guy with confidence like that #also this is mainly directed at cis men bc I think they need the most help lol (not in a mean way!)

[matchamabs]

I know you didn’t ask for it but- BOTW MONSTERS: RANKED BY HOW HOT THEY ARE,,,,

i do fuck all in the days lemme tell ya

ill admit i havent done EVERY enemy but like. i do enjoy making these posts so who knows, i might actually rank everything sooner or later 🤷‍♀️

,,,,, and if u want a specific ranking of botw/aoc stuff lmk 👀

ahh the ol reliable. the classic bokoblin. he is just a little lad! unfortunately they’re genuinely kind of ugly??? and the idk the singular horn in the middle aint a good look. i see cute comics abt these guys being domestic and thats adorable but also giving them so much leeway bc they’re really Not that cute. not sure what the loincloth is hiding and im not sure i wanna know anyway. 3/10 really kind of. not good. 

slightly bigger loincloth only means slightly bigger things to hide :( i rlly hate these guys noses and whatever the fuck toenails they have why do they have toenails?????? s’bad. the thing is tho they have the proportions of a potentially attractive gerudo which is probably what takes the edge off the general vibes of... u know... being an abomination. its also only JUST occured to me as im writing that these guys r just evolved bokoblins so. glow up i guess. 6/10 what that tongue do

ok bypassing whatever the fuck rule 34 has done to these guys, i actually dig them. i find the huge fat ones way cuter than the lil bug eyed ones. in their case theres rlly no, like... hotness about them. its just cute. i think they’re cute. any monster that is cute and also doubles up as a bed gets my vote 7/10 get urself a fella as flexible as these guys 

u know what, im gonna say it, these guys r actually kinda hot. proportions arent super bad, the face aint bad and generally they have good vibes. aside from, u know, when they’re tryna shank u. id say one of the most bearable monsters to have to look at. 8/10 im not a scalie

??????????? idk what to say. u could tie these little shits to like swingball poles and beat them with rackets thatd b good. aside from that these guys have like no redeeming qualities. they’re a pain in the ass and not in a good way. 3/10 cute but like. is it worth it?

i mean,,,,,,,, someones probably into it. i dont like these guys for a lot of reason and surprisingly the thing that gets me is the fucking hair why does it have that hair its like he-man just went straight over the top with an electric razor its not a good look!!! stop trying to make it work! it wont! and again with the loincloth??? im not into it. the only thing i like abt these guys is the lil waistcoats. they have some amount of decency (but the implications it makes are Not Good). uh. 2/10. barely.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

,,,,,9/10. but if you see a lynel up close like that chances are you died about half a minute ago

again. ??? i dont rlly like. i mean. im digging the top heavy proportions? its got the same body type as kass so like. 4/10. bit plain around the features but what can u do. i dont understand how but the igneo taluses are like. sexier 

UGHGHHH I FUCKING HATE THESE THINGS okay okay okay like these motherfuckers lure u in by being quite cute and dancin around and then u get a look at their faces and its like fucking JESUS and its even WORSE when you see under their cloak and they have no necks????? and like????? they do that gay little fucking dance that pisses me off???? they’re wearing hoods that give the ILLUSION that they have necks and im im fumin ok i HATE it i hate it i have been betrayed and i will NEVER FORGET ABOUT IT UGHGHGHG I HATE THESE CUNTS -10000000000000000000000000000000000/10 die

hhhhh i just dont like em. theyre too annoying to be cute now. and whats gonna happen if i squeeze one? is like. water gonna come out? r they just gonna deflate? 4/10 tentacles are not hyrules forte it seems ://

trust kohga to send the twinks out on the front line. seriously. they’re not bad tho? kinda small and underwhelming :((( tho i give extra points for the good crazy laugh we love a good manic cackle 6/10 they dont really count as monsters but ah well where else am i gonna put em

now THATS what im talkin about babeyyyyy we love the muscles,,,,, the posture,,, the stride,,, we love it when u fuck up stealth and a torrential downpour of these motherfuckers come down to beat ur ass,,,,, 9/10 its raining men 😎

u know. u dont rlly like. get a good view of these guys when ur balls deep in a battle with them, but the more i get like closer looks at them the more i go ???? like idk. everything about them looks backwards and wrong. but as far as backwards and wrong goes its not a bad look and the boss theme is a banger so 4/10 maybe dont jump on my ass every time i step one foot onto the desert :/

i just. i dont dig it. idk why. aside from the fact they’re a monumental pain in my ass, and now everytime i hear a beep even slightly resembling a guardian i shit my pants, but. idk??? as far as robots go its not like. terrible. they’re like the milfs of robots. the milves, if u will. a rilf. except i wouldnt. so its more like riwlf. but even that leaves too much up to interpretation so im just gonna call em a cunt and go. 4/10 leg game strong

here we are,,, the big boys,,,, waterblight isnt too bad i will admit, but the spear hand is both annoying and mildly inconvenient. its got a rlly big chest but rlly thin arms?? also not sure how i feel abt the strap on beard but oh well its not like ganons got taste. 5/10 kind of average for a blight i think

a hefty motherfucker. a chunk of a lad. big large. the fact this is like one of the easiest blights makes it more forgiveable to me but like whatever its got going on with the 80s hair needs 2 be sorted out. i like its moves but it doesnt hang upside down like waterblight :((( 5/10 calm down kate bush

ok who doesnt like gun arms. and a gun back. this things like fuckin megatron. the whole face plate thing doesnt look bad either. honestly its kind of a look? but its dickheadery in aoc makes me wanna set shit on fire so :// 6/10 hot but will not leave u alone 😔

ok this one is by FAR the sexiest of all the blights. i just cant explain it. i like guys with bad posture. i had an easy time beating it but apparently its given other people a lot of grief and that makes it 10x more sexy to me lmaooo. also it can clone itself which is like. thats a win. 8/10 ganon spilt all the sexy juice into this one

ok i didnt realise how many arms this motherfucker has and the whole hairline behind the ears thing is not a great look. especially w the beard. in fact the longer i look at it the less sexy it becomes tbh. 3/10 they tried to make arachnophobia sexy and it didnt work

10/10 i will be taking questions in my inbox but i wont be taking constructive criticism and you cant make me 

#botw #breath of the wild #aoc #age of calamity #calamity ganon #ganon #loz #legend of zelda #hyrule warriors age of calamity #hyrule warriors aoc #windblight #thunderblight #waterblight #fireblight #yiga #i ran out of ppl to rank and then i went wait-- #;)

[heyligaya]

How to respond when someone calls you UGLY? *dundunduuunn

Yesterday, I encountered a pretty funny incident. Someone thought it’s fun to teach someone to call me ugly. *queue in slow music*  No offense taken at all. As a matter of fact, I didn’t really see my self as the opposite of it anyway. Never really had the desire for “beauty” or engaged in trying to be one for a simple reason of “nakakatamad mag-ayos” and I only have liptint as my weapon to at least look decent. So... baka nga medyo “ugly” ako when it was addressed to me. :P  The question lingered to me when I asked myself, “Paano kaya kung hindi katulad ko yung sinabihan ng ganun? What if may issues siya? What if someone told someone that they’re ugly in their bad day? What if she decided to harm herself because of that comment?”

**

I remember asking JB when we started dating “So, what is your first impression of me physically in a stranger’s lenses?” (Okay side note, we really don’t have the hots for each other....at first. Tbh, we sort of not like each other that much so his answer came from pure and honest intentions) and so he replied “Sa totoo lang, di kita type” (in my defense lang ha, JB, kung nababasa mo to, di rin kita type, pero labyu)

So what I did after is I consulted this with Jesus. I had a quiet time with Him and asked him “Lord, what is beauty in your eyes? What do you want me to see when I look in the mirror?” And I quickly had a glimpse of one of my bible journal devos. 1 Peter 3 and it says there :

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

How reassuring is that?? HAAAY JESUS I LOVE YOU! Thank you for reminding me that even if mortal mouths cuss you with your physical flaws or people point out what they think is wrong with you, or just because people don’t like how you look, let it be said that Jesus adore His children who has A BEAUTIFUL HEART. 😌 People will remember you and see you for your God like faith and how you radiate that energy to people.

I remember asking JB, WHY ME? WHY AND HOW? In a span of weeks, you knew already you will pursue me. Ahh.. and he said “Clinaim na kita. Hiningi ko na kay Lord na “Sana ibigay niyo na sakin ‘to, Lord. Ako na bahala dito sa batang to” Aww shucks man! The heart of this guy! And then I asked him “Why? Why me? I don’t even fit your standards.”. He just held my hand and said “Kasi hindi ko inakalang may babaeng katulad mo. How you handle yourself and your relationship with me.” (Honestly may kasunod pa to but I stopped listening after he said, hindi ko inaakalang may babaeng tulad mo 😂. Sorry bubs!) but that’s how people will perceive you. How secured you are in His identity. 

They say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” but I believe that beauty is in the eyes of God. We are all WONDERFULLY made. We are all privileged to be in His likeness. 

It’s so easy to judge by how you look base firmly and let me emphasize on the word FIRMLY on likes, comments and followers. Today, people reclaim their status based on how many people will like you or wants to be like you. As much as it is easy to release admiration, it is also so easy to release hate and bitterness.

Let me give this verse to you : 

Matthew 5:40-43 

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

So for someone reading this, who has been said or think that you are ugly, fat, too dark, too white, too old, too young, pango, pandak, mukang anime or whatever. I declare freedom for you. Freedom from such low scrutiny. In Genesis 1, it says God created man in His own image. We are all beautiful in His eyes. And there is no eyes that is more important. And if God sees you as beautiful, why doubt yourself? The right man, woman, friends, family even strangers along the way will see you and stay with you because of your heart. 

So, if someone calls you ugly, smile. Look up and declare “But my God says I am beautiful” and let it go my dear. Mortal mouths got nothing. Don’t let other’s bitter heart sway you from God’s promises. As what one of my favorite verses says in Matthew 12– For out of the abundance of heart, the mouth speaks. So let it not trouble your weary heart. Always look for what God sees in you before what others sees.

You are loved

You are chosen

You are blessed

You are favored

YOU ARE PRECIOUS

and God delights in your heart 🥰

-Ligaya

[purplesurveys]

572

Where was the last place you drove to? Other than home, I drove to Bonifacio Global City with Gab for a day out. I also drove to her dorm to drop her off after. What is your favorite move franchise? The Twilight Saga or Toy Story. What was the last fast food you ate? We had Wendy’s earlier. I was honestly kinda relieved to just have fast food for lunch because I just needed something greasy as fuck to shed off the hangover from last night, and something quick because I was so tired and was in no mood to even go out to begin with. What is your zodiac sign? Taurus. Do you think you're a good dancer? When I’m drunk enough and when it’s dark, yeah. Hahaha

What is the saddest book you've ever read? I don’t know if I’ve read any sad fiction; AJ’s memoir was sad enough though. I remember having to take breaks every so often because some of the content was just too heavy to take in one go. How old will you be this time next year? I will be 22. What subject do you think you are best at? History. I have a number of relatives who have worked/are working as researchers and historians, so I’m not surprised I got bitten by the bug too. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Heroes, unless the villain’s story is endearing or if the role is played good enough. That’s the case with a number of heels (wrestling talk for bad guys) who are AMAZING at being assholes, like CM Punk or Triple H. What is something you think is overrated? I love milk tea, but it’s definitely hyped up way too much in the Philippines. A lot of people like to brag how they skip water in favor of milk tea and it’s just? what? How are you genuinely proud of that? I mean whatever floats your boat and all, but still????? What political cause are you most passionate about? The SOGIE/anti-discrimination bill that for some reason is being debated on to begin with. How anti-discrimination is still a cause of conflict is the most Filipino thing I’ve ever seen and it’s shameful. What country would you most like to visit? Morocco, Turkey, or India. What is the worst job you've ever had? I haven’t had any so there’s nothing to rank. Who was your best friend as a child? We would change sections every year so my best friends used to change often. There was Kaye, Jaynie, Raegan...but it was Angela for most of my childhood. What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do? Having to keep going when my grandfather died mere days before the UPCAT. That, or seeing Nacho in his coffin. His slight smirk made it easier to deal with, but I still had a good cry about it. Have you ever considered having children? Yeah, I’ve thought about it more and more as I got older - a far cry from my hatred of kids when I was a frustrated 13 year old lmao. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? I’ve always been a museum lover so our field trip to Intramuros/various Manila museums in 5th grade, and our field trip to Ayala Museum/The Mind Museum in freshman year were amazing. Do you have any weird family traditions? Not really. I will say that my mom’s side has a very weird, very distinct humor that takes some getting used to (but once you do you’ll realize they’re all funny as fuuuuuuck on that side) but it doesn’t really count as tradition, so idk. Have you ever considered acting? Not at all. I never liked having to do it. Who was the last person you slept next to? Gab. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? That’s messed up, dude. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? I have a Netflix and Spotify but other people pay for them. Do you consider yourself a crafty person? That’s a big fat nope for me. What is your ideal weather? Cold enough that I don’t need to turn on the electric fan. If there’s a thunderstorm, even better. Have you ever been in a physical fight? With my cousins when we were kids, yes.  What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? Angela has questionable footage of me when I got too drunk at Gabie’s party last year; she’s tried showing it to me but I’ve always refused to know what she caught on video lmao. She can keep it if she wants; I just don’t ever want to see it hahaha. Gab also took a video and photos of me all hunched at the toilet and throwing up after drinking too much from earlier this year.

I’m clearly not the best drunk; in the same way, my best friends clearly know their priorities lol. Did you ever get lost as a child? No. If I got ‘lost’ it was only because my parents would intentionally hide from me at malls to see what I would do when I realized I was lost/to mess with me. What is your favorite condiment? Mayonnaaaaaaise. On a scale of 1-10, how attractive do you think you are? I’d give myself an 8 tbh. Minus two points for my two crooked teeth and frizzy hair. Do you prefer horror or romance movies? When it comes down to it, romance. I feel like they have more leeway since romantic comedies (which if you still don’t know by now, is my favorite genre) is under that genre, whereas horror can be just right or way too corny or cheap for my liking. What was the last film you saw in theaters? Hello, Love, Goodbye last August(?). But I think that’ll change soon because I plan to see Charlie’s Angels this month - and can I just say, only for Kristen lol.

Have you ever been to a concert? Sure, I’ve been to several, but I keep my ticket purchases to artists I have REALLY been wanting to see, like One Direction and Paramore. There’s a bunch of acts who’ve gone to Manila but I wasn’t religiously obsessed enough to want to see them, like Troye Sivan, The 1975, The Japanese House, etc. Have you ever had an existential crisis? No. I try not to think about that stuff. Where is the farthest from home you've traveled? Bali. Do you like country music? Ugh, no. Can you play any instruments? Other than the basic recorder, which I don’t really count, no. What color are your eyes? Black. What color are the eyes of the person you love? The same. What is your favorite kind of flower? Idk I don’t have one. Baby’s breaths are cute though. Have you ever had your heart broken before? For various reasons, yes. What town were you born in? I was born in, if I’m not mistaken, the district of Sta. Mesa in Manila. Do you believe you had a good childhood? I know my elders tried to shield me from harsher realities, and I’ll give them credit for that. I had the latest toys and gadgets and we had cable TV, so I had access to the cool shows of the time, to give a few examples. I’m grateful for all of those, but nothing could ever protect us from acknowledging the reality that I had alcoholic relatives who also happened to wake me up everyday with the smell of their cigarette smoke; and relatives who would resort to physical fights and screaming whenever they got too drunk, which always made our house a hot topic within the small neighborhood and a source of embarrassment for me, my siblings, and cousins. What was the last dream you had? I’m not sure. I think I was just hanging out with Gab in it. Do you know how to play any card games? Other than solitaire, no. Have you ever taken a taxi before? Yep but I can count those times on one hand. I’d rather use a ride-sharing app to get a driver than hail a Filipino taxi driver. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Half-days in school. What are you currently most looking forward to? Sleeping tonight, tbh. I want to stay up for a bit but I can’t wait to sleep too. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? I had, very briefly. It was never a big trend in the Philippines so I didn’t see the big deal. I was more attached to Friendster (which I never got to have because of the 16-year-old signup requirement, which my parents made sure I followed) and Multiply. What is the best television show you've ever watched? Breaking Bad. Are there any songs you can't listen to because they bring back memories? I can’t listen to O by Coldplay anymore because it was the song I kept on repeat when I repeatedly harmed, starved, and tried to kill myself a couple of years ago. Have you ever saved someone's life? I hope I have in some form or another. I know I failed with Nach, though. Do you tend to sleep well at night? Sure, unless I had reason not to. What do you believe is your weirdest habit? I lock my car doors three times before I feel comfortable. When was the last time you were sick? This question is on almost every survey, along with the what-instruments-do-you-play one. Uhhhhhh 2017. What color are your parents' eyes? Black. Do you have any credit cards? I don’t. Have you ever broken any major bones? Nope, thank goodness. Have you ever had a surgery before? ^ Same. Are you ever afraid people will just stop talking to you one day? I never thought about that, no. Can you tell me the last deep thought you had? Meh, it’s too triggering to go back to at the moment. Are there any websites you've used for over 10 years? Twitter, Wikipedia, and YouTube, for sure. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? Yeah, they’re 19 and 16. What is the best movie you've seen this year? Liway. Did you ever make straight a's in school? Sure. What color is the shirt you are currently wearing? White, with maroon text.

#survey #surveys

[pr0sciutt0]

just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3 

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY. 

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

#nat.txt #fatphobia for ts/// #i promise this is (probably) the last post!

[casnovakisded]

I’m back.

03/03/18 | 04:14am

So... life’s a bit shitty at the moment, and I just remembered that Tumblr exists.

I don’t really talk to anyone anymore and I think it would be good for me to vent to you guys. I had a meeting with a super sweet manager at work today and it gave me a little bit of hope. We touched on talking to people and just venting and how that can help, so i’m going to give it a go. Honestly, I think going through work to try and rebuild my mental health is my only viable option at the moment, which kind of sucks because I can’t often mentally deal with being at work right now. I’m getting ahead of myself - more on that later.

So, to those who may be reading this that don’t know me (If anyone’s reading this), i’ve been juggling anxiety, depression, (undiagnosed) bipolar, eating disorders and (undiagnosed) schizophrenia since I was around 14 (I’m 20, nearly 21 now), and i’ve only just started to try and get help.

I was forced to go to the doctors when I was younger by my mum when I opened up to her about harming. She told me that I was to stop, and if I didn’t, ‘they’ would come and take me away and lock me in a room until I was ‘better’. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my mum at all for saying that. She panicked, and as far as i’m aware she’s never suffered with any mental health issues, so I don’t imagine there’s too much of an understanding there. She was trying to scare me out of it, but it just made me feel like I couldn’t talk about it. It kind of became a grey area that we just didn’t really discuss so I just got on with it and mostly just learned how to be secretive. 

From that point on i’ve always told everyone of importance that i’m fine, because that’s better than being locked in a room until i’m better, y’know? Don’t get me wrong, I knew then and I know now that that’s not going to happen, and that I just need help, but I can’t say it doesn’t make me feel anxious every time I go to the doctors. It’s a feeling I don’t quite understand, but then again, I don’t really understand any of my feelings. Woo. 

So from the beginning... 

I started harming when I was around 14. I don’t really know why I did it - probably a mixture of being bored, sad and exposed to a lot of triggering material. Like I mentioned earlier, I opened up to my mum about it because we had a super good relationship, and I felt like I was lying to her in some way by not telling her that i’d done it. What was said was said, and that was that. I was made to go to a doctor’s appointment at 7.30am the next morning (Which was actually before the practice even opened so I think that was just a bit overboard tbh). I couldn’t understand a word of what the doctor was saying (that wasn’t meant in any kind of negative racial way, I just simply couldn’t understand what he was saying because of his heavy accent), I could just tell from his tone of voice that he was being patronising as fuck. By the end of the super drawn out and generally painful doctors appointment, I was referred to CAMHS. So off I went to this appointment with this top dog guy at CAMHS (We’d recently had a fair amount of young suicides in our area so they were pretty onit). It was an odd session. My mum was there and she was obviously going off on one about how terrible it was and how I had to stop, and then this doctor guy is trying to convince her to not take away my blades because at the end of the day, i’m only going to find something bigger and sharper.. oh it got interesting. I sat silent more or less the whole way through, but I smiled and I nodded and I said I felt fine when I needed to.

After this appointment, the doctor concluded that I had symptoms of anxiety and depression due to previous emotional trauma and that I could totally be fixed with counselling sessions from my school counsellor. I played along and I remember speaking to the woman once. Again - I smiled, and I nodded and I said I felt fine when I needed to. 

I didn’t go again. 

Having anxiety, depression and being bipolar all at the same time is just fucking exhausting. 

First of all: depression. My depression makes me feel lazy, and menial tasks just seem like an awful lot of effort. I showered yesterday, for the first time in around a week and a half. My house hasn’t been cleaned in a loooong time. Talking? That’s becoming an effort (which is really annoying because my job requires me to talk to people all day. I’m still brushing my teeth every day though, so that’s good. 

Anxiety. This makes me feel like nobody cares, that i’m a burden to everybody, everyone would be better off without me, people would prefer it if I wasn’t there, people are talking about me, people are making fun of me, people are looking at me and judging me. Anxiety also makes me bite my nails, a lot. I don’t even know how I bite my nails so far down, but it sometimes gets to the point where I just don’t have a nail at all - like literally at all. Anxiety also makes me feel nauseous, and sometimes it feels like the world is literally going to end. If you’ve ever had a near death experience and felt the sense of impending doom, that’s probably the best thing I can relate it to. 

Lastly, bipolar. Oh the joys. So i’ve not been diagnosed with bipolar (As i’ve said, i’ve not really pursued help for my issues up until now), but one moment I will be on the highest high, nothing can defeat me, and i’m totally ready to face the world and whatever it wants to throw at me, and then the next moment everything’s gone grey and dull and the light at the end of my tunnel is actually a train that’s plummeting towards me, and I don’t want to move out of it’s way. 

So. Fucking. Exhausting. 

As you can imagine, having all of these all at once is just a big ol’ mess. It’s so draining (both mentally and physically), and it’s just proper difficult to try and balance all of the conflicting emotions.

Now imagine all of that, with an added voice in your head. Again, I’m not diagnosed with schizophrenia. It’s not something that was effecting me when I was younger, but it’s not something that i’ve managed to talk to anyone about yet either. There are very few people that do know this about me. It brings me back to my earlier point - if there’s one thing that’s going to get me locked in a room until i’m better, it’s hearing voices in my head that aren’t real - surely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all the time - It’s mostly when i’m tired. I don’t even know if it’s schizophrenia, but what I do know is that when i’m in a bad way and i’ve had little sleep, I can hear a voice clear as day in my head. Mostly it just repeats things, usually what i’m thinking, usually not very nice things. It’s almost like your own inner voice, but it’s loud, as if i’m listening to it through headphones. It’s funny actually, i’m as good as deaf in my left ear, but I swear to god I can hear that voice in surround sound. I’ve been tired quite a lot lately, so y’know, that kind of sucks.

Eating disorders are just shit. There’s no other way to describe them. Whether you: restrict yourself, purge, fast, over eat, binge, or like myself, just don’t eat until someone forces you to, it’s all just really shit. It’s a mixture of an addiction, and extreme emotion. It’s a mixture of wanting to be as pretty and as perfect as you can be, and feeling like this is the only way you can make yourself worth something, whilst also feeling like you have to keep going, you owe it to yourself, you feel like you have no control if you slip up and eat. Obviously i’m aware that not eating is not healthy. I know that. You need to eat to stay alive and you can’t expect your body to function correctly if you don’t look after it, I know. I only have myself to blame for the fact that i’m dizzy all the time, and I always need to wee because the only thing I ever consume is tea, and that every time I stand up everything goes black for a short while - like when you get head rush from standing up to quick. As much as I know that all of this can just be solved by eating, what’s to say that’s going to be the better alternative? When I start putting on a fuck ton of weight because I feel too depressed and fed up to actually exercise and I inevitably start taking that out on myself, what position does that leave me in? I’d rather be sad and skinny than sad and fat. I guess my point is that eating disorders suck - they manipulate the way you see yourself and convince you that you’re never going to be good enough, for anyone. 

I’ve always hated the way I look. I lost all of my hair (head, eyebrows, most of my eyelashes) when I was around 13 and this opened a whole new world to me. A whole world of bullies, unnecessary comments, staring, and laughing. My school made the situation a million times worse. Apparently it was too much of a distraction for me to sit in class with my bald head on show, so I was forced to wear a wig through school. I was given £500 from the school to spend on wigs, so I bought 2 of the exact same style. 

They were horrible.

Wigs are uncomfortable. They’re hot and itchy, and they’re basically a massive flashy sign that says ‘bully me’ - great when you’re in a room full of other 13/14 year old kids that simply do not give a fuck about how you feel or how their comments may affect you.

Recent events over the last, let’s say, 4 years of my life have really fucked me up. I think i’m going to write a post for each event in the hopes that maybe writing down what happened will help me process it and eventually get over it, but I quite simply can not be bothered to do that right now after typing this essay.

In the last 4/5 months, i’ve been actively trying to work on my mental health through my GP/seeking help through work and friends. Well what a task it has been. 

Originally, I was advised by a manager at work to go to my GP. I can’t quite remember whether I went to my GP or to the EAP line (Employee Assistance Programme - provided through work) first, but either way that was 4/5 months ago, and i’m still awaiting some kind of solution or action plan. I just feel defeated most of the time. It seems that every avenue I go down just gets blocked off - every turn is just a dead end and I can’t for the life of me figure it out. When I went to the doctors, they told me I had a ‘mood disorder’ and an ‘eating disorder’. I was signed off work for 2 weeks, and then instructed to make another appointment to go back to the GP (the first date they could see me was around 4 weeks after my return date to work from being signed off, so that was super good). When I went back to the GP, I was referred to IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) and SYEDA (South Yorkshire Eating Disorder Association). I was given a date, a time, and a name of a person that would be calling me from IAPT, and I was instructed to self refer myself to SYEDA. I was also given a fit note stating that amended/shorter hours could be beneficial. The date came for the IAPT phone call, but the phone never rang. I tried to chase them up, but apparently they weren’t allowed to discuss the account with me because it was booked through my GP. When I tried to get through to my GP, their line was just constantly engaged. When I had a look into SYEDA, the first thing that popped up in a banner across the top of the page was a message saying “Our waiting list is currently closed to all new referrals other than those referring from Barnsley”. 

Well i’m not from Barnsley so that’s really great, thank you.

I went back to the doctors to let them know of my super successes with IAPT and SYEDA. To my surprise, apparently it was my fault that I had ‘missed my appointment’ with IAPT, even though I never actually received the call. All they could say about SYEDA was, ‘oh’.

When I finally had an assessment with IAPT, they said I had scored too high on their risk assessment and that someone would be in contact super quickly to talk to me about what we can do next, but i’m still awaiting that phone call. 

I don’t even know how many phone calls and doctors appointments i’ve had. I just want someone to help. I feel absolutely drained and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just sat waiting. I’m not living because all I can focus on is trying to get through the day without breaking down into a big emotional mess.

I’m not actively suicidal all of the time, it’s more like.. if I was being held at gun point, I’d probably piss him/her off on purpose. Or, if a car was speeding towards me and I could probably jump out of the way in time, I think i’d just let it hit me. 

I don’t know.

I’m lost.

I don’t really know what i’m doing on a day-to-day basis, and i’m currently just scraping by.

I guess i’ll keep you updated.

#depression #ana #help #mental health #eating disorder #recovery #anxiety #i'm sad

[comments-on-kai]

[NAVER] EXO KAI "Only Ate Chicken During Promotions...Maintains Body Weight of 63kg"

[T/N: a lot of guys commented on this article than the usual lmao)

[+1235,-65] KAI is really impressive [+1101,-47] KAI's abs are really splendid [+1080,-46] KAI is handsome he really looked amazing at Ralph Lauren event today    ->  Re: KAI was totally like a Model...Daebak [+1032,-46] KAI's body is beautiful [+925,-40] So cool!  Let's walk on the Superstar path only *_* [+228,-9] Heol..he's quite tall and his weight is 63kg..that's really slim..he must've worked hard on his self-management [+220,-9] His body doesn't look skinny and instead looked solid so I thought he must've weighted more..as expected Idol is Idol [+179,-7] Isn't EXO KAI the God of Self-Managementㅠㅠ that's so cool and impresive - wow he's really good at self-management he's a tall guy but he's 63kg only through his musclesㄷㄷ - seriously incredibleㅠㅠ the abs that he showed as a result of working out is very cool too ㅠㅠ KAI's body and face seriously has no realism - so he's dilligent on his self-management - KAI really has a good body...of course he was born with the propotions and it's already good but because he's dilligent with self-management it's really cool - Our Jongin who would always give his best if it's for his fans  ㅠㅠㅠㅠ seriously the best - Kim KAI created a havoc today..so fcking handsomeㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ - I saw KAI's photos from the Ralph Lauren event today and he looked like the Youngest Master of a Chaebol family attending a Society event or something - KAI is really impressive his acting was good in drama Andante seems like he works hard at everything he does and that's amazing - KAI is an absolute pro..gaining or losing weight for fans..amazing - the way KAI talked today was so fcking fluttering..guess half-formal speech is his everyday life does he speak the same way to his Hyungs - KAI's body is seriously not a joke - his is a totally muscled body..wow... he really worked hard at self-management huh - KAI please eat a lot during Chuseok holiday...and thank you for today's v-app! - KAI interacting with fans is such a beautiful sight to seeㅠㅠ♥ - I think it will be hard to copy KAI's body his shoulders are broad and his legs are SUPER long - KAI-ya why are you so handsome...noona's heart almost burst - he's a handsome modest man - muscles weigh more so if you consider KAI with his height and his muscled body it basically means he have a body with zero fats. It means KAI is really dilligent with his self-management. It's to the level that I have a lot of respect for him. - At first I was so shocked. When I didn't know Jongin, just based on his stages I though he was this sexy,aloof guy but the more I get to know him he's pure,speaks very prettily, gets shy easily and has the prettiest smile. When I first heard his hobby was reading I thought that was so opposite of his image but after knowing his introvert sides I felt the hobby really suited him. His reversal appeal really made him even more attractiveㅜㅠ  Kim Jongin who is a boxful of sexy on stage but during v-app is a melting honeypot of purenessㅜㅠ - Ah the whole time I was watching he was cute, tender and fluttering...it was like doing a video call with him!! I love you EXO KAI❤ - KAI is not only handsome but seems like his love for fans is overflowing too~~ I anticipate your good image in the future! - He's always working hard and giving efforts.. there's a reason why he is succesful - At the Ralph Lauren event today he was seriously too handsomeㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ - the feeling of KAI onstage and when he is with his fans is SO different..I was so shocked when I watched the V-app today - KAI's beauty is crazy for real - through V-app broadcast today the love and care he has for fans was beautifully revealed it was so good♡  EXO are fools for their fans..we're so thankful ♡♡ - saw the pics from the Event today..he looked amazing - so this is why people keep saying KAI this,KAI that.. the way he speaks and his half-formal speeches are so gentleㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ to the level I feel like dying I was so fluttered - If you're dancing the amount of enerygy consumption would be high..but he only ate chicken..that's incredible - so that Hot Body didn't happen just like thatㅠㅠit's so good to see the side of you giving your efforts KAI fighting! - KAI why are you so cool..a Male God - KAI. Jongin you're getting even more cooler. I'm a 30's Mom fan..although you're are the top you're always humble and alwas giving the best effort, and I really love EXO who always show an improving image.I will make sure to watch the next concert with my daughter~ - tbh his face is already that handsome, but the fact that he keeps giving effort to look good for fans, how can you not fall for him EXO KAI is really the best! - height of 182 weighing in at 63,this is the reason why he always look good whatever he wears - KAI is so cool and fcking handsome watched the V-live it was so fluttering I loved it so much thought I was going crazy ㅠㅠㅠ he does cute and sexy and everything  ㅠㅠㅠ he's seriously a flower boy I want to watch again ㅠㅠㅠ - KAI's body is pretty..he’s got muscles but still slim - if you see KAI in real life he's f*cking handsome - KAI's body is extraordinary...he's just standing there but it looked like a photoshoot - I think he's the sexiest among Male Idols - saw the video from today's Event wow he's handsome - KAI was so handsome in today's V-app.. super handsome yet so very sweet...ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I fell for him - so KAI's six-packs..he worked really hard - a handsome kid who manages himself well..of course he would shine - KAI at the event was crazy handsome it's daebak..he's a real mannequin - he's getting handsomer as he grows older - no wonder when I saw him in real life his legs was so long and he moved really lightly..so pretty & handsome

#kai #jongin #kim jongin #exo #naver #v-app #v-live #exotranslations #commentsonKAI

[jugsdead-blog]

Veronica, on the other hand, has a bad habit of repressing her own negative emotions (she prefers helping literally anyone else with their problems). Usually something trivial sets her off, like Kevin bemoaning having to hide his relationship with Joaquin from his dad, or Archie briefly wondering if his dad would like it if he built a gazebo (Betty tries desperately to talk him out of it until Jughead says plainly, “You would literally die if you tried to build something by yourself, Archie” and that’s that, really). But it has Veronica thinking about her own father; how it’s been over a year since he’s held her in his arms, how when he calls her “Princess” over the phone, his voice is strained and tired. On days like those, she asks Jughead if he wants to watch Paper Moon and he keeps her close as she cries through it.

8. Who sleeps in their underwear (or naked)/ Who sleeps in their pajamas? Jughead usually sleeps in a pair of his dad’s (or Archie’s) old sweatpants and a t-shirt. He’s surprised when he sees Veronica in a simple–not sexy, not chic–if anything, it’s too large to be truly flattering–t-shirt for the first time. He laughs when she tells him how she wears pearls and designer nightgowns to Cheryl’s sleepovers to annoy Penelope Blossom, and she laughs with him.

9. Who makes the coffee (or tea)? Veronica is not shocked when she finds out Jughead has been drinking coffee black for most of his life (”Since I was eight,” he says it like he’s proud and Veronica rolls her eyes so hard she gives nearly herself a headache). Eventually she thinks she is able to convince him that, yes, herbal tea can soothe nerves. He never says so outright, but he always appears appreciative when Veronica has some extra tea with her (Veronica had initially not enjoyed having to semi-permanently trade her favorite Prada handbag for a clunky Marc Jacobs shoulder bag on the off-chance Jughead was feeling anxious that day and she needed two thermoses instead of one, but when she pulls it out and he looks at her like she may well have hung the moon, she finds she doesn’t really care).

10. Who likes sweet/ Who likes sour? Jughead likes every kind of candy, but he leans toward sweet. Veronica, as a rule, doesn’t eat candy, but sometimes Jughead hands her a piece of whatever he’s enjoying that day and she can never find it in herself to say no.

11. Who likes horror movies/ Who likes romance movies? They both really love bad horror movies. Not movies that are meant to be bad, but movies that are actually trying to be good and just end up bad. By the end of most movies, it sounds like they’re just trying to out-scoff each other, Jughead saying things like “Wow, that transition was atrocious” over Veronica’s insistence that, surely, they could have found a better looking male lead considering they didn’t even bother to find a good actor.

When the mood strikes her Veronica will turn on a Nicholas Sparks movie, much to Jughead’s vocal dismay. She smirks when he asks her to pause the movie he supposedly hates while he goes to the bathroom, but doesn’t push the issue.

NOTE: i’m skipping 12 bc it turned into an honest to god FIC which i will finish later :-)

13. Who is considered the scaredy cat? + 14. Who kills the spiders Veronica considers herself pretty fearless…but her resolve is broken the second she sees a creepy-crawly in the ridiculous amount of space she refers to as her “personal area.” Usually, she asks someone else (Jughead) to “get it away” but also insists that they do it without actually killingthe thing, which Jughead finds both impossibly annoying and incredibly endearing.

16. Who is scared of thunderstorms? Neither of them tbh. I think Jughead enjoys them while Veronica only laments what the humidity is going to do to her hair.

18. Who is a cat person/ Who is a dog person? Jughead has only ever had a dog, and thus considers himself a Dog Person™, but he doesn’t hate cats with a fiery passion like Archie does.

19. Who loves to call the other one cute names? Veronica, but only because it annoys the ever loving fuck out of Jughead. The only thing he is ok with is ‘Juggie’ but Veronica has come up with several nauseating variations (Juggie-poo, Juggie-pie, Dollface???, Sugar lips????), much to the delight of one Kevin Keller.

20. Who is dominant/ Who is submissive?
In their day-to-day lives, Veronica is dominant. And though Jughead puts on a show of battling her at every turn, he usually ends up doing what she wants (sometimes he realizes it doesn’t bother him as much as it should, but then he tucks the thought away because it makes his stomach flutter and, honestly? fuck that)

21. Who has an obsession (over anything)? Jughead is obsessed with Tarantino, as everyone knows. He makes Veronica watch the movies she has seen with director commentary. Veronica smiles when Jughead finds it in himself to talk over even the great Tarantino in order to make a point about the film.

22. Who goes all out for Valentine’s Day? Veronica takes it to a level that Jughead can’t even imagine. Chocolate, flowers, at some point there is a barbershop quartet? The entire day was honestly a blur, ending with Veronica renting out the local cinema and playing what was essentially a chronological marathon of the best Film Noir to ever grace the silver screen.

(The look of happy surprise on her face when Jughead gives her a simple necklace is not one he’ll forget)

24. Who is the talker/ Who is the listener? Jughead rants a lot, but sometimes Veronica will get a little gossip-y…and though Jughead sees himself as “above” that sort of thing, he listens and responds as if she were telling him a very important life event.

25. Who wears the other ones clothes? Veronica Lodge is nothing if not a master at accessorizing. She’ll take a shirt Jughead has grown too tall to wear comfortably and somehow look better in it than he, or anyone, could even hope to.

One time Jughead wore one of Veronica’s bags to Pop’s instead of his usual sack, but that’s a different story entirely

27. Who takes a long shower/ Who sings in the shower? Veronica does both. Jughead listens.

29. Who is the better cook? Jughead can cook simple things. He’s learned to take care of himself since his dad was away a lot. Veronica, on the other hand, is appalled if you ask her to toast a piece of bread.

31. Who is more affectionate? Veronica is more affectionate in public, but you’d have to be watching to notice the little things she does (rest her hand on his leg, fix his hat, slide her unfinished food over to him at Pop’s). In private, Veronica is surprised at how affectionate Jug can be. He has a weird fixation with her hair (“it’s really soft,” he says plainly) and is constantly plays with it when they’re alone.

32. Who likes to have really long (deep) conversation? Jughead loves him some deep conversation. He especially loves it when Veronica disagrees with what he’s saying, because their debates are spirited and sometimes she makes some points that he finds really hard to argue (he does anyway, but).

33. Who would wear “not guilty” t-shirt/ Who would wear “sin” t-shirt? Kevin got a matching set for them (AND INSISTED ON Veronica being “Not Guilty” and Jughead being “Sin”) as a joke (and taking pictures) while Veronica complained about the quality of the fabric and Jughead just complained.

38. Who likes to star gaze? They both enjoy a quiet night together looking up at the stars. Sometimes Jughead will point out the few constellations that he actually remembers from Astronomy, and Veronica will hum and listen while she traces them with her fingers.

Sometimes, Veronica will talk about what her horoscope sai that morning. Jughead can go on for hours about how astrology is bullshit but he doesn’t argue when Veronica tells him their signs are “like, freakishly compatible.”

39. Who buys cereal for the prize inside? Jughead has a private (very private) collection of cracker jack prizes that he knows Archie would lose or break. He flushes when Veronica comes across them while she’s browsing through his wardrobe (as she is prone to do to anyone who will let her), but she doesn’t laugh. Instead she smiles and asks about each one, about when he started collecting them, about how he managed to keep track of them (and it feels like something private between them).

47. Who has the more complex coffee order? Veronica used to pride herself on her complex orders, but apparently she’s spoiled Jughead with her Rich People Coffee™ because he visibly grimaced every time he has to drink something that isn’t a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots (1 ½ shots decaf, 2 ½ shots regular), no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon.

50. Who is the hopeless romantic Veronica, 100%. She honestly believes that everyone has a soul mate. Jughead is infinitely more jaded and openly disagrees with her, but every time they argue, Veronica says something stupid like, “Soulmates argue, too. So we’ll be fine.” and Jughead’s resolve is gone.

#jeronica #jughead x veronica #riverdalefic #alex writes #otp prompt #otp: a pencil and a prada bag #the tense in this is a MESS #and i'm sorry to the people i kept and continue to keep waiting i am just hella busy rn

[roroslatenightthoughts]

Sin City

Spent the weekend blissfully lost in a group of beautiful ABGs. Nobody knew me, really. Other than my name, it was the perfect solution to the “my name precedes me” thing that I had been encountering after moving back home.

There was a blur of little moments, living so in the moment that not much was committing to memory. 

But I can feel the memories already blurring away. I just have to let this out somewhere, so here we go.

Friday, June 21st (the first day of summer, my period, and the summer solstice).

Jody’s flight got delayed by 4 hour (at least) and I found myself drowning in intimidation. These girls knew exactly how to do their hair and makeup, what to wear, etc. Found myself regaining some confidence as I successfully put on lashes (really well too, tbh) for the first time since I was 18yo about to perform at recital and was empowered to ditch my Spanx.

While we were waiting in line for Wynn’s XS Nightclub someone raised his voice at me, “Hey, I know you.” I subtly rolled my eyes, assuming he was the first creep of the trip. But then, “It’s Rochelle, right?” I passed along the velvet rope to get a closer look at him. “Arsenio,” he said. The name didn’t ring a bell. 

“I’m Annie’s cousin.” 

“Annie, who?” 

“Luspo!”

“Ohhh, Christy?!”

“Yeah, we met when I was staying at her house in Houston. I think we’re friends on Facebook.”

I quickly looked him up. He was right. Our mutual friends shook the cobwebs from the old connection. It had been TEN YEARS since he last saw me, completely crazy. We tried meeting up for shots in the club, but it didn’t work out. He said he was living in the Bay area now. I looked up his profile, he has a 3-year-old kid now. 

We spent the majority of our Friday evening tediously scouring XS for a table, waiting for Jody, and denying the inevitable fact that a group of 13 young women were not about to ALL get drinks at the same table let alone maneuver a dark nightclub without getting separated. 

We hunted for tables big enough for the majority of us, got half-assed efforts from promoters, and eventually some guy rounded us all up to his table for [free] drinks. It was there that we meet the “thirty-something” Miami guy. We danced, he twirled me, someone later told me they thought he was gay, it definitely didn’t feel like it (but then again, I literally have the world’s worst gay-dar). He even gave me a lap dance -- what an odd feeling to have someone’s nuts rub on your leg... blegh.

We eventually left their table and stopped like ten feet away (the crowd was thick enough to be out of obvious vision). My feet were screaming and I asked if I could sit. He had a sleeve of tattoos -- hello, talking points! At this point I could have talked for hours as long as it meant that I could sit. I don’t really remember his face, but it felt like I had him wrapped around my finger. At one point I was sneaking ice cubes out of their bucket because I was that desperate for some hydration. He said something about being warm, and I don’t know what came over me but  I instinctively leaned in and asked “Did you say you’re getting hot? Come here.” Our faces were close enough and just said “kiss me” before passing an ice cube into his mouth. It was the smoothest and sexiest I’ve ever felt in my life. 

I nonchalantly pull away and feel completely detached from the romantic gesture. He boyishly blurts out, “Thanks for making me look cool in front of my friends.” I’m glad it was dark so I could hide my chuckle. Finally, we head home and we recap the night over Chex Mix and Gardetto’s. Night ended around 2-3am.

Saturday:

Woke up around 8am (I think) and continued recapping the night. Realized my feet were insanely dirty from walking around the hotels and drop-offs sans shoes. We started getting ready for day club and I accept 

omg i’m tired of writing. here comes the word/phrase vomit.

AB&G smoothie, morton’s neuroma, small boob insecurity, “thicc” girl empowerment, big boob empowerment. lowkey strutting and hopping around the suite proud of the muscle on my legs, jiggle on my chest, and less fat at my abdomen than 7 months ago. looking like bougie bruno mars as a woman. fhearing those first beats at day club. USC med alumni. “what job would you have?” “I would enjoy being a PT,” ��I’d be humans of new york,” “I’m just now starting to pay off my loans,” his name was Patrick, he’s a urologist either “operating or in clinic.” the exotic Mediterranean guy “She just like a fun, nice girl.” Billy was just one of the cute guys, idk i naturally kept tabs on him i think. Felt like I was successfully flirting with and then getting subtly rejected by Nikolai - with the twin friends (ft. dance move guy), he is an electrical engineer graduated from UCSB who would get a 2x4 lego tattoo if anything and taught me a few phrases in French - because I assumed he’d rather get with one of the girls in the group (Later on Payne would convince me otherwise - that he kept looking around for me and was just talking to everyone because I kept leaving, classic Rochelle scenario, no?). The support I felt when they all encouraged me to go after him. One of the doctors didn’t pick up on my sarcasm when I said he was the oldest (obviously the youngest), it was sweet to see all his friends play along and to have his thirsty ass wanna make me his girl hahah. Some guy named Ty who was turning 21, filipino with great tats - ended up asking for his insta bc i kept running into him. OMG the handsome, potentially gay Black man who stopped me as I got out of the pool and lowkey-strutted towards the bathroom with a “girl you are naturally gorgeous - and you know it!” ugh idk why but it was the most believable comment I’ve ever gotten from a passerby (along with the random ladies that would compliment me omg i cry).

For a while I thought everybody bailed on me and left me with Nickolai just as things were fizzling out. But thankfully we found Kim, Payne, and Mary. We weaved through the crowd, over velvet ropes, and just danced our asses off to Marshmallo’s set. As we were gathering our things at the locker, Jody happened to be walking by (I swear, technology is the biggest cockblock for serendipity). I hadn’t had enough of Day Club at that point so I stayed and saw Jody and Kathleen in action with these guys at their lounge area. Man they really committed to fishing. Finally the delirium of Day Club became a bit overwhelming and we made our way back to the hotel. At this point I felt natural and confident enough to shower naked in front of an also naked Kim. It’s amazing how much confidence I had on reserve strictly from a fresh bikini wax and the knowledge that I’ve been consistently active.

Freshly showered and freshly napped, we started getting ready for Night Swim. (Seriously, the partying never really stopped - just paused for attempts at nourishment/rest.) There was something even more heightening about this round. I played up my freshly-fallen bun-curls and took a FIRE selfie on snapchat (although it didn’t get that much feedback, whatevs bc who was i even hoping for feedback FROM?) 

Donning Kathleen’s kimono and my “naked” swimsuit... (man, looking back where did this person come from?) 

Started talking to this Filipino-Black guy in line and his friend in all white came back and asked if we wanted to join them in their cabana. None of the girls wanted to go, but I figured why not? (the guy was so tall, I think this was my subconscious, amateur attempt at jersey chasing LOL) Also they were from Brooklyn, and I’m a sucker for a good nyc story. Bopped back and forth with drinks form their cabana to our lily pad. 

In classic form, I eventually said goodbye to the cabana boys, grabbed someone from the lily pad, and headed off to do laps. This naive, potentially-gay gentleman at the dance floor tried teaching me how to salsa, as I kept reiterating, “honeyyyy, I’m from Houston! I know how to dance!” We met this Brazilian sounding guy literally because he was standing there an just put his hands up -- got us drinks and saw a poor attempt at line dancing in Vegas, encountered a PTA named Jery (classically shocked that I finished school already hehe). Kept encountering this older gentleman who was charming but creepy, gave Katy a lesson in public strutting, and finally circled back to lounge at the lily pad. 

Eventually Katy came over and whisked me away to a table in the pool. About six girls were already there. There were only two guys so of course I assumed my role as a poolside, go-go dancer. I looked down and realized that I recognized this guy’s dance moves from day club!! And sure enough Nikolai was there! I called him over asking why he wasn’t backstage at the Zedd show. Got in the pool and of course dealt with the same ambiguous vibe as earlier that day. 

(At some point during this, Kathleen came over and dropped off my things - holy shit i just looked it up, it was around 1am - and I asked her to take my phone and wallet back to the hotel at the risk of getting it in the water) Kathy had just offered me some WatEr and I ended up just chillin’, enjoying the vibes and visuals by the side of the pool. I vaguely remember seeing Nikolai leave and honestly just dgaf about it. Kathy explained that it was ok to want to feel physical touch so I just leaned the fuck in to the virgin experience and let everyone and their mother scratch my head, massage my back, and just love on each other hahaha we ended up closing the club at like 3:30am or something.

As we were leaving, one of the two guys (the half-Jap-half-Russian who I was initially told was gay - found out his name at like 5am, and then ended up not being gay) bluntly says, “you’re really pretty and I’d like to make out with you” - looking back, it was almost perfect... I was already comfortable with him because he had been [orgasmically] pulling my hair all night and massaging my neck. He said later that he thought he was being obvious in making a move, but i’m pretty sure he was doing that with everyone, esp considering Kathy was deadass wrapped around his back like a monkey lolol he later said he was only pulling my hair, my rolling ass had no fucking clue ahahah

Anyway, I hadn’t had someone suggest making out in so long and had been recently longing for that exactly, so after several minutes of inner turmoil (at this point i was still getting used to him not being gay, but also i was on my period, freshly waxed, and headfirst in my first Experience). I stayed back with Kim and James (literally a total ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ vibe with his british accent and her stunninnnggggggg looks), Kathy, and Mr. Makeout. There was a cool breeze accompanying us on the late night streets of the Strip and we just let ourselves walk and blow away with Mr. Makeout’s EPB/APL. We ended up at their room at the Palazzo and sure enough, when Kathy and Kim went to talk in the bathroom, he point-blank says, “are we gonna make out now?” 

He was odd in his own way -  a balance of nonchalant, poignancy, and just enough flirtation. Stolen smiles and glances had become our forte at this point, I was really wishing that Kathy could see what was happening, and that I hadn’t given my phone away. The three of us decided to leave to give Kim and James some privacy. Kathy lagged behind to talk to Kim and we continued to make out in the hallway. Kissing him was somehow so erotic yet so professional/respectful. 

The sun was beginning to come up as we headed to the guys’r extra room at Caesar’s and awkwardly laid in bed, in our swim suits, unable to sleep, just waiting for Kim to need us since we had a key card. Let me just say that damn Kathy is such a good friend. She had her phone out the whole time even though battery was draining fast, making sure that Kim felt safe and that she wasn’t ubering alone or anything.

There was a moment that Kathy was going to leave and I was going to stay back with Daniel (I now knew his name), I decided against it and as I got out of the bed he beautifully clung to my waist with his previously whispered “I’d like to make love to you” twirling through my head. I playfully tried getting away, knowing full well that he had me locked down (If I was smart at all, I would have remembered James’ subtle mention that Daniel brought a NCAA National Judo Title back to Harvard, i.e. their ALMA MATER, which I barely cared about at this point because I was so out of it haha). We convinced him to come back to the Venetian/Palazzo with us (and he paid for the taxi, bless).

We kept stealing a few kisses in various lobbies as Kathy essentially babysat all of us lmao. Before heading up to our room, I threw my number onto his phone internally plotting how I can sneak away to him. After all, it was only 6am at this point and everyone was deadass asleep. 

Immediately I realized how not sleepy I was in comparison to everyone sprawled out on their air mattresses. I updated Katy and Jody and replied to his immediate texts:

“Hello

OK come now.

Can we make out a little more?”

I trotted out of the room in a sun dress, no bra, and my bikini bottoms. I told you, it was the start of Cancer season. Walked through the adjoining hotels (seriously, how convenient) and eventually he found me. 

“You changed”

“Well I didn’t really want to walk around in a sheer kimono at 7am,” then alluding to the lack of bra underneath. 

He was surprisingly disciplined in the elevator, undoubtedly catching me smiling in anticipation for his lips to be back on mine. Thankfully, he deviated towards a corner wall to kiss for a bit before heading down a very long hallway. It was the most seamless a makeout has felt in a long time. We were eye to eye whenever I’d rise up onto the balls of my feet. I grabbed at his jet black hair and his hands ran all over me with an energy I’d never felt before - I had gotten used to greedy hands on me... his were appreciative, almost even respectful. I could feel him near the hem of my dress and he’d lightly lift it up, but never yanked at it or slid it up too high... we continued down the long hallway with the same style of kissing, even getting caught by a couple, oops hehe. 

We got to the room and decided to continue in the [pleasantly spacious and conveniently mirrored] full bathroom. Knowing fully well that we only had time to makeout, we started slow, just weaving back and forth. We took our time, taking turns unbuttoning each others tops, one by one, kissing to celebrate the each exposure of new skin (forgetting the fact that we were already half naked when we met or that we had already laid next to one another in our underwear). 

Eventually the clothes were off and he didn’t question when I said that underwear has to stay on. It was 45 minutes of bliss. He leaned against the counter for the majority of the time and our hands ran free, up and down each other’s bodies. His musculature perfectly balanced - I seriously don’t think I’ve ever been so dumbfounded, I literally had no critiques. But I couldn’t properly articulate myself because I was so shocked by his whispers and praises.

“You’re so pretty... You’re so cute... You’re so hot... You have the most incredible body,” as he appeared to blink in what looked like disbelief. For once, I actually believed a man’s compliments on my body...

 “I was trying to talk to you all night,” he said as I stared back in disbelief reminding him that his hands were on all the other girls as well. “You have so many dang friends, I didn’t know how to get alone... and then you disappeared, I couldn’t find you.” We continued kissing through all this recapping and sure enough, he blessed me with that same, firm hair pull.

We ended up laying on the floor towards the end, him teasing me with the words, “I really want to eat you out” - BUT OF COURSE, I was on my period at a time when I’d never been more willing to do it. His lips were so luscious and our tongues had already become well-acquainted at this point. He told me to lay on the floor and his hands just explored my lower abdomen and superficial pelvis... it felt beautifully similar to the scene in “Pretty Woman” where Richard Gere goes from playing the piano to playing Julia Roberts’ body....  it was just pure bliss, I’d never been so happy to be in a hotel bathroom at 7am. And as we ached over the fleeting minutes, eventually we heard James fumbling for the bathroom knob, I doubled over in giggles as I fumbled for clothes to cover my mostly naked self. “I’m not done exploring you yet...” he said with a tone of sadness as we departed, again not realizing that I was plotting to return to him. I wasn’t done either.

I’m going to stop writing soon, but I ended up going back to his room (sans James) after Jody left. We had about an hour, “You just always leave me. I booked my flight for 11:30 after you left. I didn’t think I’d get to see you again.”

We kissed slowly, obviously running on depleted energy reserves, and eventually ramping up to the same enthusiasm as earlier that morning.

“I wish I had a video of you doing that,” alluding to my practically-rehearsed minx crawl over his supine body. To which he countered with the masculine version when it was his time to be on top. However, I think I reached a completely new capacity of physical attraction as I laid on the bed with him standing, holding my hips. Every time his hips thrusted forward, his chest and delts contracted with each pulse.... I’d never been with a physique like that, ever. I don’t know what came over me but eventually I was going down with an enthusiasm I hadn’t felt in years, genuinely wanting to kiss him just everywhere. I was lasting a lot longer than usual. I could feel him squirming and just when I thought he was going to finish - he blurted “I just want to fuck you” as he simultaneously tossed me to the head of the bed and held himself over me - it was performed so swiftly and smoothly that I officially have a newfound sexual respect for guys who do Judo. It almost felt like a couples tango... I just laid there, sprawled out in complete disbelief, realizing that I reallyyyy wanted him back in me. We wrestled with the idea but there were no condoms left and I wasn’t on birth control - I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from discussing the significantly decreased likelihood of getting pregnant when on your period, but luckily he reminded me that we’re a couple of strangers, a couple of mature adults. Eventually time caught up with us  and with rosy-cheeks we left his room. I lamely asked if we could hold hands to which he said, “of course.” I could feel his smile next to me in the elevator and gave each other a quick kiss before he headed to the lobby and I sped off to the Venetian to clean up my things before check out.

 At one point we were just laying there and he said those perfect words, “this is all I really wanted.” I didn’t fully believe him, but I nodded in agreement because it truly felt wonderful.

(Sidenote: I initially started this post because I was resisting texting Mr. Makeout. I caved and started drafting a message, but I kept backspacing because I didn’t actually know what I wanted to say. Finally got frustrated and gave up on keeping contact, phew glad that period of desperation is over with) 

[cheerstocrazy]

Vegas Weekend Recap

Jenny hit me up to go to Vegas bc she got left behind, but I was supposed to have an interview on Friday. It ended up getting cancelled, so I started to pack frantically. I was freaking out bc I was SO FAT and felt so rushed. We finally got on our merry way, made it to Vegas after a truly pain-inducing car ride, getting lost, not being able to find a parking garage. It sucked, but I kept my cool the entire time. We parked so far and had to walk for what felt like a mile to the hotel. When we got there, no one even opened the door bc they were all passed out from the pool party. I thought 2 of the guys were gay bc their eyebrows were done lolol. FF a bit and we all got dressed to go to Marquee. We took quite a few shots. All in all, it was a bust of a night bc I wasn’t feeling buzzed, and the girls wanted to go home. Oh well, at least I got 6 hours of sleep. I was exhausted, but I could’ve gone ham too. Drank a crap ton for the pool party the next day, but felt drunk off 6 shots bc I only have falafels in the morning!! Made it to the pool party, and Jas forgot her ID UGH. Jen and I weren’t abt to wait on her, so we grabbed our 2 free drinks and just sat and wait around. Also Jen was kinna a buzzkill bc she was sick and couldn’t drink and was sober. Anyway, pool party was fun, I didn’t even finish my drinks and was feeling so drunk. I think I danced with Knox and had to take care of him too, bc he wasn’t a functional human anymore. Saw Kevin which was kinna cool. Oliver Heldens was the DJ, and the music was really good. We got a really cool Ethiopian driver with whom I enjoyed conversing, but turns out he only did it to get a large tip, so FUCK YA, YA DOUCHE. Jenny was so done once she got home, she couldn’t get up anymore. We walked everywhere to find food, and she wasn’t feeling it/hungry at all, so she didn’t go out at night. I also matched with a Welsh dude from Tinder and I told him we were going out to Omnia. We got dressed and pregamed pretty hard. I drink too much. I ended up wearing Susy’s pretty friggin revealing black cropped/tie top with no bra, and I felt so naked, but looked hot so whatever. We had such an annoying taxi incident again after when a fucking driver kept going when we said wait, we’ll get out. We ended up running over to Omnia bc Susy’s guy was so close to the front of the line and there was so much miscommunication. That killed our vibes and my buzz so much. We were sweating, hot, and annoyed. Finally found the 3 guys, so I asked the bouncer from behind if we could go to the front to meet them. Then we go up, and this fucking LATINO BOUNCER ON A POWER TRIP tries to start something with us and telling us either the guys enter only or everyone goes back. You just cut. The guys were helping us and making up valid excuses. Then the bouncer is like you should have asked if you could cut. I was like BRUHHHH, I FUCKING ASKED THE BLACK ONE BACK THERE. JUST FUCKING HOLD UP A SECOND, ILL GET HIM PINCHE PENDEJO. Wtf, why is everyone trying to start a fight with us. NO ONE HAS GOOD VIBES!! We went in and it turns out they didn’t even have a table FUCK. We’re like well shit, we ain’t paying, so we ended up having to get the guest list pass after all, and it worked out thank god. They ditched the guys which was kinna sad, but not my problem. Anyway, we made it up 3 flights of stairs and he bought us a round of tequila shots. I downed it like a champ and didn’t cringe while the girls made the sour face. I was shocked myself. Jas and I left her bc Jas was like ok, I’m abt to show you a good time, I love Omnia. We took a lap around the tables and didn’t see anyone that looked like they were offering a spot. We made it to the bar and were like we don’t even have our IDs or cards to buy anything. I see this super slim and drunk hairy Italian eyeing Jas. She talks to him, he’s saying oh, you are so beautiful, are you from the heavens? Then I cut to the chase and say if you think she’s so beautiful, buy her a drink! He’s like sure, so I called out 3 TEQUILA SHOTS PLEASE. lmao. He was dressed super shitty, but I guess after that shot, I was feeling loose, so he started hitting on me and who am I to resist? We just danced with each other and we hooked up (fml). He’s not a bad kisser by any means, and we spent a lot of time with each other. I gave him a HJ on the dance floor, and he fingered me a little too heh. I took a couple of photos and he kept kissing me along the neck, which I really liked. I just like to be held/touched when I’m drunk, which he was doing. Also, my philosophy is you gotta find a guy to do shit with to pass the time with. Jas was with a creepy guy and wanted to go, so I was like whenever you want to peace, just lmk. We left to find Susy, and Jas swore she was on the terrace, when I was like SHE IS ON THE BOTTOM DANCE FLOOR!!! GIRL, U IS DRUNK. Anyway, we finally find her and yay happy times! Also, I think the Italian found me again, so I was like shit how??? Jas bounced bc she didn’t have a guy and wanted to get more drinks. Danced with the Italian all the while the Welsh guy is texting me asking where I am. I’m drunk, I’m dancing with a guy, and texting Welsh all at once. Idk where I was or how I got there, so it’s just a lot of back and forth (read Whatsapp, kinna funny). I had no clue where I was, only described the music. Finally, he said he was at the Hearts Club, and I looked around and was like wait I’m here too!!! I told him to wait in an obvious place, and I’d go find him. It’s 3 am. I walked to the bar and passed this guy along the rail, Idk what came over me, but when I passed the end of the rail, I turned back and shouted Tom??? He turned around, and I was so elated! I remember thinking, “Oh, he’s cute!” I think I hugged him. I’m not sure if I grabbed his hand, but we went to dance with Susy. Everything is super fuzzy here. I think we were just dancing casually when we were with Susy, and he was still holding his beer. He ended up taking me to the bar and we took a love shot together. It was by far one of hte worst shots ever. After I took it, I was gagging and screaming at the bartender can I get a lime????? Then after he saw my reaction, he gave me a cup of water and a glass of pineapple juice. SWEET ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, TYSM. You know nothing in Vegas is free, but he gave me all of that!! After this, Idk where he lead me, but I’m guessing it was the main stage. He grabbed my face to kiss me, and his lips were really similar to the Italian’s, almost same kissing style too, but he used significantly less tongue which I appreciated. The one thing abt his kissing is that he was a tease, so he pulled away after a while, when I just wanted to keep kissing. I left my phone in his shirt pocket so I could dance hands free. Idr when, but I heard Disarm You play, so I opened my eyes and looked up, and we were 10 feet away from Kaskade, which was a total moment for me!! I was having a freakout bc I love that song!! Kaskade was there!!! Wtf how???? He played Atmosphere and Eyes too, I was gonna cry!! I would turn around so we were back to front, so I could dance, but he just turned me around. Then I look at my phone and start seeing texts from an unknown number so I assumed it was Susy. She’s like where the fuck are you???? I texted her and told her to leave me. I was gonna leave with him tonight. I just needed them to open the door later. We clearly weren’t on the same schedules bc I meant open the door later as in the morning (possibly at night, idk I was drunk. Idk the time) She thought I wanted to leave immediately. She also thought I was already at the hotel, and I was like no wtf I’m still in Omnia where you left us. So I decided to regorup, I took him outside, and we found them (with other guys milking them for drinks JFC they’re good). They were so relieved haha. Jas also met him and she’s like so you’re from Wales? Do you speak Wale-ish? He said no, I speak Welsh, and she proceeded to ask him that 3x more SMFH. I think after talking, I said ok we’re gonna go use the RR. Went to use it and I just remember (all night tbh) me holding out my right hand, so he’d hold it and come with me. We come back and Susy is like NATALIE YOU NEED TO STOP DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT!! I was like what??? I told you I was gonna use the RR wtf. Anyway, we sat to the way right of them, and Idk what took over my brain, but after he sat down, I was like I’m going to sit on you, then I proceeded to wrap my arm around him. Clearly, wasn’t thinking Idk (?????) Some convo topics we had that I vaguely remember: I think I began with so you’re Welsh? He replied, How do you know that? I said well, you went to Cardiff...He’s like right. me: I know my geography, I’m not an idiot.  I asked for 2 cups of ice and was like how would you address a bartender in British? Mate?? He’s like mate or pal. I was like uhh, I would never say pal pero ok weirdo. I also was feeding him the pieces of ice, and some of them didn’t even make it in. lol Then he brought up the word randy, but Idr the context, probably talking abt himself. He’s like it means sexually aroused. I was like uh, def never heard that before.  I asked him to speak Welsh, and he’s like do you want to hear one of the hardest phrases? Sure. He said it and I couldn’t even tell where the syllables began and ended. I repeated it to him horrifically, and he just laughed. I couldn’t hear either and ofc I was drunk, so I was prolly slurring.  I asked him what his last name was (expecting a cool Welsh name): Jones. Your name is Tom Jones? You’re fucking kidding, right? That’s so classic British jfc. I couldn’t believe it. I probably laughed. He was 5′10-6′. He was muscular and fit like an American, which surprised me. He was wearing a t-shirt, Idk how he got into Omnia. He had really nice arms, which I kept feeling. He also smelled really nice, both of which I’m sure I told him. He’s super sweet, nice, relaxed, fun to be with, and supe gentlemanly. Didn’t go up my skirt at all on the dance floor. He went through my top sleeves a few times, and that’s it. I was surprised. I was like you can grab my boobs dude (in my head). It’s 5 am at this point, and everyone decides to leave. We also finally took our full length photos looking hella trashed. I grab Tom and we start walking to our hotel across the street, and I was like Tom I can’t walk anymore, can you give me a piggyback ride? He’s like ya sure, so he did, but she said your skirt’s gonna show. I was like Idc, I literally cannot walk anymore, so he tried to cover me. He would always be on the lookout behind and sideways, and whenever he saw someone he would spin so that my butt wasn’t facing them. His watch was also cutting into my left leg, so I was like ow, what is that? It’s hurting me. He put me down, took it off, then carried me again. That’s when I tried recording him, and he’s like if you record me, I’m putting you down. *hence the video. They got pizza, and I wasn’t even hungry. I was just so tired!! They all sat down to talk and we found Justin!!! Wtf!!!!! The feeling of being reunited is second to none haha! I sat next to Tom and was so tired, so I just wrapped my arm around his left and arm fell asleep on his shoulder. I really like to be held and hold people when I’m drunk -- something I’ve discovered. Susy was telling me to be careful with my top bc it was showing, but I could not care less. It was 5:35 ish at this point and I have no recollection abt getting back to the hotel, but I was still with Tom and we didn’t talk abt spending the night, but I guess it was expected. Jas was with her guy still, so I was like I guess I’m ok *shrugs* Jenny’s passed out on the bed, so I was like Jenny, go to the main bed. I told her a few times, and she was mumbling something back to me, but I didn’t hear. Then finally I was like, Jenny, there’s a guy! So she grabbed the blanket and hauled ass over there. I changed super quickly bc I was so uncomfortable and tired. I just gave him a HJ under the covers, and he was moaning so much, so I kept telling him Shhh. Sidenote: Jenny said she thought he was snoring so much, which is why I shushed him. LMAO. I also remember him adjusting the sheets and kissing me and I saw him smiling. So sweet. Anyway, after a bit of the HJ, my head met his dick, so I just gave him a BJ. It was super lite and before I saw it, I was like it doesn’t look that bad tbh. It also tasted really good and felt good too. I was trying to be so quiet, so I hardly did anything good. Then I told him to go down on me but either he was ignoring me or didn’t hear me. I asked him if he had a condom, and he didn’t. I think this is the point where I rolled over from exhaustion and bc we weren’t gonna have sex (!!! no condom!!!) Next thing I know, Im wakened up by this motion in my butthole/vagina area?? I was like is he fingering me...but it was really consistent, and I could start to feel the pressure. Then I thought omg is this anal? Then realized it was sex, and he was fucking me from behind. Then I was like but wait, he doesn’t even have a condom. It felt kinna good (idek, I was so sleepy) I was surprised he even got it in by himself. I could hear him moaning too, but I was in and out of slumber at this point. He was starting to go harder, so I could hear and feel the slaps really quickly. He repositioned himself and I think it fell out and he wasn’t getting a good angle anymore. He took it out, and I felt my vagina was a little wet, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I came or not. I don’t think he finished though. I fell asleep shortly after. Then I hear loud knocks on the door, and I was like who the fuck is that?? I was gonna open the door, looked under the blanket, and was like wtf I’m butt-naked, where are my shorts??? I just stayed under the sheets, but I also needed to pee, so I grabbed my green throw and wrapped it around me. I found my shorts and undies on the floor so I grabbed it and went into the RR right as Knox was leaving. He’s like, so who is that guy?? Why is his dick so small?? *makes the hook gesture with index finger* Can’t believe you settled for that, Natalie. Kept talking to me, ALL IN FRONT OF TOM (I just realized this rn, omg I’m mortified lololol) I was so embarassed bc he was not the first I wanted to talk to abt this, and I just met him a day ago. It was like a brother scolding sister talk. So funny but so awkward. I was putting on my undies and struggling so much. Tom was super cuddly. When I was cuddling him, he had one arm underneath me, and the other was one was holding my hand (not wrapped around him) on his chest. I remember being super tired, but liked the sensation of his hand and wanted to see if we were actually holding hands, so I moved it a bit. Whenever I turned around, he would always turn with me and cuddle me. He would slip his arm under my right arm and into my shirt. He just really liked the touch of skin. I also remember telling Knox to close the blinds, and he’s like OMG THERE ARE BUTTONS?? smfh. Anyway with the darkness, I think I gave him another HJ, but he didn’t finish. We fell back asleep.He tapped me ever so softly on my shoulder, and he said he was gonna go. I got up too and couldn’t find my sandals, so I went barefoot. He grabbed his shoes and we both left barefoot. He thought I was gonna leave him at the door, but I walked him all the way to the elevator. I asked him for the time while we were walking, but his phone was dead. When he left, Idk how he felt, but he grabbed my face to give me a peck. I am not a one peck girl, so I went back to kiss him twice more.  When everyone woke up in the morn, they were like NATALIE, WHAT HAPPENED GIRL????? Knox asked me for more details in the morn, and when I told him, he fist pounded me and said I like you!  It took me all morning to piece together what happened and looking through time stamps of convos bc I hardly remember anything. I don’t think I browned out, but I def don’t have full recollection. FML I didn’t mean/expect the night to turn out like this!! Omg, I’m a nice and normal person!! Also, I slept only 80 minutes that morning and I was suicidal all Sunday and I’m still freaking recovering from it. That was wild and ugh too much for my body to handle. 

[kyandice]

CANDICE EDIT THIS UGLY SHIT WHEN U HAVE THE FUCKING TIME

this is an ugly unedited one it has been in my drafts for like 2 months already. so whatever i just posting it. ill edit it if i have the time. thins is is i actually edited half way and MY FUCKING COMPUTER FUCKING CRASHED SO I GAVE UP  and yeahhh ill just post this ugly unedited one and ill edit it again WITH PROPER ENGLISH WHEN I HAVE THE TIME. idk i just cqnt see stuff in my drafts i just havre to post it and yewah wtf.

this unedu=ited stuff is just me writing key poiunts about my day and not like urghhhhhhh i hate this commmmmm. normally i would describe more but i dont want it in my drafts anymore so ill edit it when im free OKAYYYY.

1/3 

Hahahahahah lmao this was the date when i got tgt with K 3 years ago.(omg i still rmb, but tbh its nth special i just rmb useless stuff pretty well)  Never wanted to date a guy again even i with crushes back in sec sch. but anyways, today i went to Sentosa w/ B and he seemed to really like the artificial fiels alot but it was like in the afternoon so it was still kinda hot and yeahhhh. Like it would be much nicer at night. There will be like alot of stars and fireworks too and it will be more windy and cooling idk but it will be nicer at night and i want to spend the night w/ B there again. Oh yeah anyways ystd B bought me the batgirl lego keychain and B told me that batgirl had sex with batman and im shoooked.

2/3 and like today we planned to go to his house anddd then go to parkway parade to some lego secret chambers shop. i went out early cuz my junior wanted to pass me her lego characs but she couldnt make it so i was alr at bishan so i just went to tpy and wait for bryan o wake and meet me so i called him at 11am but he woke up and shouted at me so i just like nvmmmm so i went to the library and went window shopping around tpy and i also went popular 1pm i didnt want to call him up but i was like ugh nvm and called him.. and yay he finaally woke up wna read tuesday with morrie, all the fifty shades of grey and in grey's pov n miss peregrine's home for peculiar children but we still went to parkway parade anyays and he asked me to watch letters from iwo jima so i watched it at night and bryan wanted to watch the breakup list on toggle but it kept playing ads and it just wouldnt play the video so b got alittle pissed 3/3 logan, training (our 8th movie)

4/3 finishing crocheting my first thinggg the bear thing shoud i give it to bryan would he want it so today b was vvvv kinda excited this video thing with ck and cez and im like vvv happy for him cuz he can do smthing he rlly likes with cool n funny ffriends. also he said that he didnt want us to go public at first cuz he was afraid that ppl might tease us he said he was afraid i might be ffrustrated but tbh i was hella frustaratred i dont see the point of hiding our rship but im glad werre like opene now and so at night i went to ikea and b messaged me but i was busyt walking and i didnt recieve his msg but i didnt like lock my phone so it was read. but like it was in my pockets and like my mom doesnt allow me to play my phine whenever im walking but yeah anyways b was angry hat i didnt reply him. we sorta quarreled awhile but we were kinda okay after that i guess. wtf sia today midnight i have to distribute stuff to the homeless ppl in bugis and i was wearing a short paanyts and my mom tied this weird looking scarf i swear i look like some carzy hobo youngster wtf.

5&6/3 sneaked out of house, slept over at his house and after that i went to tpy first while he showers, ate and went home early to pack for camp stuff wna stay over at his house again it was fun we tried to watch moanna but was kinda sleepy

7/3 day 1 of camp. slept with b outised tgt

8/3 day 2 of camp (-met javier and sihui -every camps i go i get very angry -shoulder, water balloon) larn cpr and aed the skit thing worst grp ever

9/3 day 3 of camp water activities we won

10/3 tkd training

11/3

-wtf nxt week go msia (wanted to go work) -quarreled with bteh. cuz i cant go out but he wants me to go out -yyour suffering defines you without it yore a void -japan and korea with bryan -my parents -i want more lego charac -money - i cant wait for tmr for ilighhtsss i want to take like alooot pictures tgt with bryannnn styled hair -nicole choo idk why im still so insecure like i know pretty clearly that im decent looking. decent looking enough to make friends, have a job and not get ostracised in society. and well if you arent good looking enough you'll be made fun off/ostracised in society and thats how humans work. and now everywhere you see are pretty girls and how can any girls feel not insecure. Okay, i have a flat and fat nose. i want to have a sharper and thinner nose like michelle. i have pretty small boobs and i want boobs like naomi. my shoulders are too wide from playing softball, i want a smaller width shoulders like grace. my tummy isnt flat i want a flat tummy. and thing is those are pretty famous girls in like sg and im not even talking abt kim kard or emma wats or like jennifer lawr. omg i dont even know where im going with this im just literally typing all my thoughts down. okay and the boys here???? they all follow those people and im pretty sure they compare them over the normal girls in sch. omg what am i even talking abt. i feel silly even typing this out. but okay if your beauty standards doesnt reach like the norm in society you srsly wouldnt have friends. unless youre realllll rich or your sense of humor is rlly rlly great.

12/3 didnt quarrel but we  were obv upset with each other it was a fun day tho when to see i lights took alot pictures ate llaollao no money

20/3 best s ever went home after it bteh gg aunts house today

his flight will be tmr 21/22 job interview got the job bryaan in flight abt cosplay how i dont have frinds

25/03 bryan found my private twitter accnt                                    bteh tole me abt a girl he liked when he was in korea idk if anyone realised but ive got a really really really bad habit. its weird really. but its a thing ive been doing since young and i never talked to anyone about it before. so actually, when im nervous, or stressed out, or just couldnt take my mind off smthing, i would like start peeling or plucking my nails. okay many people do this but, i ahve a weirder one andddd omg i think i will regret saying this. So actually, i pluck i my hair when im nervous, stressed out or just thinking abt smthing i cant ignore. so back in primary 4 i was doing this math practice paper and i couldnt do any those 6marks big problem sums and i was fking stressed out. and well my habit of plucking my own hair started really really young. and at P4 my mom saw me crying

26 toc competition firdst fight win second fight lose how i dont wna fight nationals cuz my weight cat all got national player lose my chance to win gold cant even get silver r came today

29/ power rangers

30 wanted to go coney island with rapheal and jill and bryan but it rained so we went to lan and gamed without jill bryan pushed me and i banged into someone in the end see museums some forest thing the ligths vvv pretyy

28/hotel

31/ hotel went to work after that talk about work made bryan that key chain clp diner and dance

1/4 learn bst bts for club crawl played boomberang didnt workkk aot is out!!!!!!

2/4 today i need to go mountbatten cc to practice my poomsae my poomsae lousy i dont think i can pass at first try anyways president of stf is milan quey idk if i spelt his name properly but yeah. before that ate yellow sub with B will nvr eat there again portion is small yet expensive and food isint so nice at all but since i get to eat with b im vvvv gladdd

3/4 today i went early to B's house. after that met up with madeline and shirlyn to watch boss baby and the movie was quite nice i thought i wouldnt like it and then we ate pepper lunch and omg osaka is a vvv small place like shirlyn went evrywhere i visited like a a year ago

4/4 AND I WOKE UP WITH BTEH lose his doibok and he couldnt find it my maid threathened to take a mail for my mom cuz she lazy walk and she wants me to do it but i was late

5/4 there was demo training we played table tennis for awhile and bteh is good at it, ok maybe its just that i suck at it but yea theres was fmo so we slacked at tg until demo tng started so at night he said hes tired but idk that he wanted to sleep soon and he was like stop it and i was like stop wat but he ttly just shut me off and then i got pissed cuz i would nvr do that to him

6/4 i had to meet herman but like after meeting him timetable i realised i forget to bring my wallet somethimes im torn in beteen like just not gg out with bteh cuz i have no money to eat or spend his money again he keeps saying its okay but its really not okay im just not comfortable like someone spending so much on me i owe money so he told me his specs broke ttly

One of the things dreams do for us is prepare us for worse case scenario. The dream that is closest to reality about a loved one leaving us prepares the mind for the pain that can be inflicted upon us. It creates a probability. That means it could happen, it means it’s a fear you have, and being such your mind protects your psyche in a way to allow you to feel the emotions of the event, even though the event never occurred.

13 reasons why felt like  th main charac like back in sec sch all i wanted was just to finish my olevels and go to poly so i can be a whole new person. someone who i wanted to be withouht anyone laughing at me

1au away from sol 1au measurement unit like light or smthing sol is latin from sun porbbaly it