#weight loss for me is a worrying symptom and not something to strive for. i wish it would stop being painted as a universal net positive. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

i-know-nothin · 2 years

Text

Some thoughts about weight-loss

This isn’t really what I do here but hey try new things and all...

Also my brain won’t shut up and writing always helps:)

Anyways so weight-loss is fucking weird. Let it be known that I’m referring to intentional weight-loss, which is what’s happening in my life right now. I’ve been fat my whole entire life and for literally all of it I’ve been trying to *not want to loose weight* and to not see my body as bad or worth less because of the way it looked. I also know that I’m incredibly priviledged to have a healthy and mostly normal-functioning body, and that fatness is not inherently negative or worthy of ridicule etc. I am losing weight for health reasons, because my PCOS Symptoms were out of control and because I know that in the long run it will be the best thing for my body, not primarily for aesthetic reasons.

At the same time, I know that society still expects me to be thin(ner) in order to be considered “pretty” or in some cases to be taken seriously. And it’s really hard for me not to resent this change in my life that has suddenly driven me to strive for a thinner body, because I shouldn’t want this, right? Except, I do. And sure, the main reason for me was not a desire for conventional attractiveness, or societal approval for that matter, but then again hasn’t that always been my goal? Haven’t I heard (and thought) time and time again “It will be easier for you to love yourself if you’re thinner and in turn other people will like you more (because you’re more confident)” and “I know you’re comfortable with who you are but wouldn’t you rather have an easier time?”

And the thing is, I really do. And that’s taking a lot of courage to admit. There are my core values, the things that I know to be true and will defend and support always, and then there are my own subconscious desires. My core value has always been and will continue to be that every single person is deserving of love and desirable regardless of their physical qualities or whether they fit society’s ideal. But my deepest desire has always been to be loved and valued, and why shouldn’t that be easier when I’m thinner?

I’ve never been the insivible girl, purely because of how big I am. And so over time, I started taking charge and demanding the attention I was already receiving, using this “presence” that I didn’t want to my advantage. I made a point of not caring about any “conventional” aspects of beauty, not caring what I ate or (more or less) how I looked in the eyes of others. And that was a lot of hard work if I’m honest.

And now, suddenly, I find myself thinking about calories, worrying about what I’m eating or feeling guilty when I’m eating something I’m not “supposed to”. And suddenly, I find myself desperately wishing for someone to notice that I’m losing weight and comment on it, even though those are the kind of comments I despised for so long. I do not think that one’s body should ever be a topic of conversation, much less that we should comment on the bodies of others. Yet whenever I look in the mirror and see a change, which then goes ignored in the real world, it somehow stings. And with that comes another fear: not just “Am I betraying myself?” but “What if it’s no use?”. What if my weight was never the “problem”? What if I reach my goal and nothing changes? All I will be left with are months of work and anxiety and sure, a healthier body, but noone will like me more than they do now? Is that an outcome I could be content with? Or is my most fundamental desire for this to be considered desirable by others? Could I ever be content being someone that cares so deeply about these things and seems to attach so much value to them?

And I find myself writing this, desparately wishing for people to read it while at the same time despising that side of me. Because the people in my life are wonderful and I have never felt more loved or understood by those around me. Or so intuitively content with where I am and where I’m going. So why can’t everything just work itself out that way?

Anyways there’s no natural conclusion to this post so I’ll just leave it at that.

Weight-loss is fucking with my brain.

#me #personal #just rambling at this point #this might be an anxiety attack in textual form

3 notes · View notes

12-99-30 · 4 years

Text

Unorganized Thoughts from April

*Warning: contains a lot of unnecessary quotes. It’s the 2012 Tumblr in me that can’t escape*

Each month I feel like I’m a different version of myself than I was before. I’m tracking progress where there are days that I’m excelling, and days where I feel like I’m exactly where I started. I don’t realize how fast time is moving, and how much I’m growing with each passing day until I find myself in a different spot with a different mindset than before.

April was the first full month of experiencing quarantine lock-down. Most mornings, I start off by listening to The Daily podcast and try to wrap my head around this new normal. We probably won’t get to experience “normalcy” until at least another year, and that’s generous. Even with the production of a vaccine, there’s the issue of mass-production and mass-distribution. We also need to consider priority to people who are most vulnerable. Even then, the virus will still be spreading. I’m mourning the lost luxuries of everyday life (*sighs*).

The first two weeks of April in lock-down were therapeutic. I’m privileged enough to look at this quarantine as a time to slow down, pause, and invest in things I’ve been putting off. I know many families in the world can’t experience that right now. This is a financially stressful time for most, and a period of prolonged anxiety and fear. I’m sorry if this post offends anyone.

Being inside protected me from the outside world. Somehow, the idea of the world stopping put a cap on how much of my worries could grow. I wake up with assurance that my mom will be sitting on her blue exercise ball, greeting me with a warm “Good morning, darling” as she does her work in the kitchen. My dad will be sitting in his dining room chair, on the phone yelling at his coworker who he refuses to acknowledge as a friend. If it’s past 10 AM, N-- will be playing Animal Crossing on the Switch or “working”. Y-- will be comfortably sleeping in bed after a night of playing Fortnite until 4 AM. There is always an aroma circulating around the house - baked banana bread, chocolate oatmeal cookies, brownies, or even dumplings. In quarantine, I’m able to control the things around me to maximize my time and well-being. I am grateful to have so many things to celebrate during this time.

But like all things of this earth, it leans towards corruption. As the weeks inside passed, my indulgence in anxiety-ridden, thoughts became overwhelming.

My 83 year old grandma got COVID-19. I was never close with her, so I had this guilt sensation that I should’ve been feeling more worried, scared, and saddened, when I didn’t. Instead I felt weighted by the sight of my dad feeling helpless. The “strongest” man of the family suddenly transformed into a man of anger, tears, and a man desperate to make up for lost years. It’s times like these where you learn to apply everything the church is teaching you; to not live in fear, to love thy neighbor, and to seek God fervently. I attest that it’s so much easier said than done.

As a person popped into my life for a passing moment, I felt like a girl ready to ditch her antibiotics just because the symptoms were being relieved. But J-- C-- (of course lol), sent me this piece of wisdom:

5 Better is open rebuke

than hidden love.

6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

As the cheesy, Tumblr, teenage, coming-of-age, film quote states: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Since tasting the love of God, I realize I deserve so much more. I deserve a friend who is honest, who values me, who won’t make me feel like I’m a choice out of convenience. A friend who comes clean of all things the first time. If this is him, trying to sweep the guilt for the pain he caused me under a rug, I don’t want it. If this is him trying to hold onto to two worlds, I withdraw from this game. I am slowly learning how to die to myself. To not let my emotions rule, and submit to the wisdom of Jesus. I’m working through forgiveness, but texted-apologies are empty unless there is action. Action has continuously proven to me that selfishness will continue to rule.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” - Maya Angelou

I believe what I saw. I believe what I continue to see. Until God takes hold, I refuse to fall into quicksand again.

But even understanding these truths, there were many days where I slipped. It felt like I was chained to the thought of them, weighing me down and disrupting my peace of mind. There continued to times where I got vivid memories of everything. How it felt to read those texts that they were in NOVA, to see the location and know she was there, to have to take an exam with a hole in my gut. I feel chained to this embarrassment and shame that I was so ~stupid~ to miss him while he was in Richmond, DC, and her apartment. To convince myself that I was somehow on his mind. To not feel like a failure in all of this. I’m reliving these things over and over and I just want to escape. But God is calling me to remember it all. To remind myself to not be foolish. To put up a guard and draw closer to Him.

I reread 2 Corinthians 4 many times this month, each time with a new reason (and sometimes the same).

“8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;”

“ 16 So we do not lose heart. Though our 17 outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Light and momentary compared to the eternal weight of glory.

The mourning of COVID-19 and my own heartbreak feels like forever. But in this life - it’s so short. It’s passing. There is a Forever with God to remind me that this pandemic, this grief, and this anxiety will pass. The spiritual transformation that God intends for us through our struggles is to make us more like Jesus. This is an invitation to let God do deep work in us. To strip us down of everything and turn us into something beautiful. Suffering is one of the few things that can turn us into the image of Jesus, but only if we let him. Only if we have the capability to be honest with ourselves to say that we want to surrender our whole life to Him. Live like God is among us, because He is.

“Aim at heaven, you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth, you get neither.” - C.S. Lewis

I get to ~proudly~ say that I’m not perfect by any standards. But I am working on the person I am becoming, and focusing less on the final product of my character. Pastor D.L. puts it plainly: “The secret to life is your life in secret”

Our public failure is always preceded by private failure. Success as a married person is your success as a single person. I am striving for success in all realms of my life. A heavenly mindset that everything in this life is temporary, but the person I am is the person that will meet the Father one day. I am working on patience and care within my family, the people I take most for granted. I want to be a person who everyone can rely on to be consistent. It starts within a home.

A Moment of Gratitude:

Despite being alone for most of quarantine, I’m thankful to never feel lonely. I’m thankful that despite church not meeting physically in-person, we’re able to continue to meet and cultivate faith in our own homes. I’m thankful for my friends who continue to hear me list the same problems time and time again, and reaffirm me that they are always walking beside me.

I’m thankful for this momentary affliction. It reminds me I’m human (lol), and I need God. People come out of suffering - in spite of the bitterness, devastation, and loss - as better people. They come out as the best of people. I’m starting to see resilience being built in my family and myself. A new definition of love. A holy mixture of patience and hope.

I’ll end this post with a snippet of quarantine life:

We gather around the family sofa, rewatching childhood videos. I could feel all our eyes glued to the screen; the room echoes with reminiscent laughter and immense warm gratitude fill our chests. The videos of raw scenes of sharing coco puffs in the morning seemed exciting. Walking around Georgetown was an adventure. To anyone else, these are poorly edited videos with no climax. But to us, it reminds me of where I’m rooted. That no matter what I’m doing, where I am, everyday is exciting when you’re surrounded by the people you love. Thank you, Dad for capturing the ordinary moments. I hope to share these videos with someone who finds beauty in these intimate videos. Who will feel what I felt and see what I see.

#posts

0 notes

mathewkingusa · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

Working in the field of nutrition and owning a catering business that focuses on whole, local foods, I couldn’t shake the feeling that pieces were missing. I spend my days talking about food and preparing food, but my clients seemed to need more. I met a woman who had just completed the training, and while she told me about it, goosebumps crept up my arms. The more I learned, the brighter the neon sign in my head flashed, “This is it!” People are more than the sum of their diet and exercise program. They are many-sided and in order to inspire real change, those various aspects need to be addressed. As an Eating Psychology Coach, I now have the tools to explore those areas and to help clients find the root of their challenges.

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

Each day, with each client, I am humbled by their willingness to share their stories with me. I live for the opportunity to connect with those around me and participate in their journey and growth. In my practice, I gain more than I give. At the end of the day, I feel full and satisfied. There are few professions that could leave me feeling that way. As an Eating Psychology Coach, I feel like I have answered a calling.

What does your practice look like?

I am blessed to work in a functional medicine clinic, Advantage Integrative Medicine, where Dr. Rollins strives to treat the whole person, not just their symptoms. In functional medicine, nutrition and gut health are the foundation of the practice. Patients are treated as individuals and encouraged to heal themselves through healthy eating, stress relief, supplementation and preventative measures. I specialize in working with patients of all ages to determine what their body needs in terms of diet, movement and relaxation. While not every patient is scheduled specifically for an “Eating Psychology Visit”, I treat each patient using the tools I learned in the course. For example, a patient will be referred to me for delayed food allergy testing, and as we review their results, I mention the importance of slow, relaxed eating for proper digestion. We meet in person and over the phone, depending on the patient’s schedule and location. I have chosen not to structure my visits into packages or programs, because I find that each patient needs something different. Instead, I meet with them and let them determine what amount of support they need. Some patients meet with me once a month, while others like the accountability that comes with weekly visits.

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

I couldn’t imagine a more comprehensive program in that we are taught the material, we immediately implement it in our lives and with our peers and are given a direct line of questioning to guide our clients into self-awareness. Nothing is left unanswered. When I began to see clients, my session was structured and I simply followed the guidelines laid out in the course. After I gained a level of comfort with the material, I pulled away from the structure in favor of a more fluid interpretation of the course. In this way, I make it my own.

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

At no point in my training did I find it lacking in any way. Working full-time and running a business on the side, I was worried that I wouldn’t have the time to commit to the course. I was pleasantly surprised when I began the program and realized the flexibility it allowed. I loved having the audio files so that I could download them and listen while I cooked. Having the video allowed me to cement the information visually and to take notes. That one-two punch implanted the material in my brain without requiring formal studying. However, the case studies offered me the most riches. Marc’s application of the principles with his clients provided real world examples of cause and effect, completing the picture for me.

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

Before taking this course, I was employed in the same way that I am now. Financially, my life hasn’t changed much—but I didn’t need it to. The training has impacted me more professionally. As I mentioned earlier, I feel content, complete in my position at the clinic. While I will always seek to know more, my knowledge is well-rounded and balanced. I finally have the words to express inklings and impressions that I have had with me for most of my life. I am a better practitioner, and my and my client’s lives are richer for it.

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

The gift in any accrued knowledge is the opportunity to grow from it. Like many counselors, I was drawn to this profession after struggling with my own eating issues. I have said to family and friends that the money I invested in this course would have been well spent if all I gained from it was my personal growth. Taking this course invited me to get real with myself. And while I am not completely free from the shackles of my challenges around food, I am equipped with the ability to love myself in spite of them, or maybe even because of them. As I turned up the volume on self-love, other areas of my life followed suit. I have experienced a deeper connection to my husband, family, friends and clients, because knowing myself better allows me to better know others. Loving myself more, increases my love for others. Being more compassionate with myself, makes me more compassionate to others.

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

The future has seemed less interesting to me since completing this course. I am so enraptured with the right now. For most of my adult life, I have been working toward the next big thing. Assuring myself that, once I reached whatever goal I laid out, I would be content. For the last six months, I have found that my yearning for change has ceased. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and in the life that I have created. I am completely open to whatever comes next, because I know whatever it is, it will be good.

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

This training offers more than just a new career; it offers you a relationship with yourself. The material applies to everybody, everywhere, which makes your potential for clientele infinite. Saying “yes” to this course means saying “yes” to a fuller life, not only for you, but for anyone who has the pleasure of knowing you.

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

BIO: As a graduate of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, the world’s leading school in nutritional psychology, Meredith is at the forefront of a powerful, new, holistic nutritional healing movement that’s changing the way we understand food, weight, body image, holistic nutrition, and health.

Teaching “mind-body nutrition” Meredith looks at the psychophysiology of how digestion, assimilation, calorie burning and all the nutritive functions of the body are impacted by stress, relaxation, thought, emotion, pleasure, our personal story, eating rhythm, eating speed, awareness, and so much more. WHAT we eat is half the story of good nutrition. The other half of the story is WHO we are as eaters.

Practicing “dynamic eating psychology” she encourages a positive approach that sees all of our eating concerns as an opportunity for growth and transformation, exploring how our food challenges are here to teach us, rather than enemies to be attacked, and looking to uncover the connections between our personal world and our unwanted eating habits.

Meredith is skilled in teaching nutrition principles for general health, weight loss, delayed food allergies, and disease specific diets such as for diabetes or kidney disease. She is an expert in treating intestinal disorders such as “leaky gut”, dysbiosis and even autoimmune conditions such as Crohn’s disease.

Meredith’s work at the IMC is complemented by her boutique catering company, Taproot, which focuses on providing healthy, locally sourced meals. She shares her passion for food through cooking classes, recipes, meal plans, grocery store tours and weekly meals for our patients.

P.S. – To learn more about the breakthrough body of work we teach here at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, please sign up for our free video training series at ipe.tips. You’ll learn about the cutting-edge principles of Dynamic Eating Psychology and Mind Body Nutrition that have helped millions forever transform their relationship with food, body, and health. Lastly, we want to make sure you’re aware of our two premier offerings. Our Eating Psychology Coach Certification Training is an 8 month distance learning program that you can take from anywhere in the world to launch a new career or to augment an already existing health practice. And Transform Your Relationship with Food is our 8 week online program for anyone looking to take a big leap forward with food and body.

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

valeriewrightca · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

lorrainescott8 · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

derrickappleus · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

franciecaudle · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

juliettespencerus · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

fayetporteraz · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Healthy Living https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

robertsmorgan · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

from Robert Morgan Blog https://psychologyofeating.com/my-life-as-an-eating-psychology-coach-meredith-newell/

0 notes

cynthiamwashington · 5 years

Text

My Life as an Eating Psychology Coach: Meredith Newell

What made you want to become an Eating Psychology Coach?

What do you love about being an Eating Psychology Coach?

What does your practice look like?

How did your education at the Institute prepare you to work successfully with clients?

What was your favorite aspect of the Training?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted your professional life/financial well-being?

How has being an Eating Psychology Coach impacted you personally?

What do you see for yourself in your future as an Eating Psychology Coach – where is your work evolving towards?

Why Would You Recommend the Training to Others?

NAME: Meredith Newell BUSINESS: Taproot

Article source here:Psychology of Eating

0 notes

disc-golf · 6 years

Text

How to Turn the Tide in the Battle Against Anxiety and Depression

Let’s talk about anxiety and depression.

On the surface, anxiety is the distant cousin to depression. They’re in the same family, but depression is almost always at the forefront of the mental health discussion. Anxiety, on the other hand, is a medical afterthought.

I think this is true because anxiety appears to be so easily curable. Google “anxiety” and it’ll turn up a wealth of random listicle articles detailing “15 different ways to overcome your anxiety.”

“Feeling anxious” is a common sensation that everyone experiences at one point or another. Here are a few scenarios that might ring a bell:

That job interview that leaves your stomach in knots the night before

Welcoming a new baby into the world and the weight of a thousand suns illuminating the reality of your new role as father to a human

Clenching your fists while hoping your favorite team’s quarterback can nail that touchdown pass with 2 minutes to go in the game

For many people, moments like these amount to little more than a temporary “bug in the brain.” Countless writers even suggest “in the moment” techniques for dealing with anxious moments—like intentional breathing and meditation.

I mean, they are all just in our heads anyway, right?

In reality, however, anxiety often serves as the precursor—or fellow ailment—of depression. They aren’t distant cousins after all. They’re more like siblings that play off of each other to render your mind a mess.

To help paint a real-life picture of anxiety-turned-depression, I want to share my personal story.

Many may relate to what I share here. But many more might have a totally different experience with anxiety and depression. My story is not THE story, but if it helps you understand your own struggles and fight your own battles more effectively, then it will be worth sharing.

Before I dive in, however, I want to be clear about something: This is not a broad-stroke cure nested in 11 easy-to-follow ways to cure what ails you. This is a serious look at a terrifying experience and how I’ve managed to deal with it in my own way.

My hope is that it encourages others who struggle in similar ways to seek out help and keep up the fight. Because if you do, you will win.

The hidden demons of an ideal life

For almost 10 years, I spent every waking minute of my life dedicated to one of the most “manly” careers you can imagine. I was a TV sports anchor.

For many, this is a dream job. I got paid to watch sports and then deliver my own viewpoint on the day’s action for thousands of viewers every single day.

One thing I got accustomed to watching was failure. Everybody lusts for success, and for some teams, it was just a never-ending crusade for greatness that always turned out badly.

That failure can seep into everyday life. It can infect your conversation, your relationships, your public and private image. The feeling of constant defeat wears on you, as it did for many athletes during my time as anchor.

The most talented athletes I had ever known became “lovable losers”—sometimes overnight—enduring the relentless onslaught of season after season of “Ls” on the scoreboard.

Still, most of us say, these are men and women who earn 7 figures in a year—an amount easily doubled with sponsorships and advertising deals. So they lose a few games. So what? They’ve still got it made.

Right?

Eventually, I left that life behind. But what stuck with me was the experience of losing—of failing so epically in a public forum that it’s hard to step back into a place of confidence. Nevermind 7 figures or a Nike sponsorship.

It wasn’t long before I, too, began to feel the ache of anxiety and depression.

But it wasn’t the result of some monumental loss in life. I didn’t go to war and lose a friend. I didn’t suffer an agonizing injury. I’m not on the streets.

In fact, my life is pretty amazing. I’m a successful entrepreneur by most standards. I’m a husband to a fantastic, beautiful, and loving wife. I’m the dad to a gorgeous daughter who fills my day with energy and joy.

I’m also living my dream in New York City and have little to agitate me outside of cliché #FirstWorldProblems.

But I have a confession to make: I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for years.

About one in eight men men is diagnosed with mental health disorders like depression and anxiety. I’d wager a good portion are under the stress of trying to be awesome dads and pretty terrific partners. Still others are playing up to the macho business man stereotype or rugged, work-with-your-hands paragons.

And sure, society tells us that to be an awesome dad, we really only have to strive to be better than a babbling moron in a sitcom. But for those of us who want to go above and beyond this narrative and actually become a meaningful person in the lives of our kids and families—not to mention the community—this can be an immense burden.

You see, there’s this thing about admitting to the emotional toll that comes from stress, anxiety, and depression: Men simply don’t do it.

We’ve been taught to suck it up and be men. The toxic culture of over-leveled testosterone and road-rage-like intensity of masculinity tells us that a man who seeks help and can’t battle his own demons is a coward. A crybaby. A failure.

That was my story.

So I “sucked it up.” I’d managed to live life long enough to overcome a multitude of problems, so surely I was equipped to handle a little bout of sadness.

I could handle the anxiety and depression, I vowed. I was stronger than it.

But then, it began to attack me when I least expected.

The battle begins

Imagine sitting alone in your living room late at night. Perhaps you’re enjoying a nonstop binge session on Netflix or reading for fun. Suddenly, you feel something. Your heart skips a beat. You inexplicably need to catch your breath. You start shaking.

And then, your mind goes wild. It must be the worst possible health crisis, you imagine—a heart attack, a ruptured ulcer, a stroke. You’re dying.

But it passes.

And then it returns—always when you least expect it.

You never tell anyone. Who would believe your crazy, illogical fear? But you don’t know where it comes from. You just want it to stop.

And yet, the more you focus on it, the worse it becomes. The rush of adrenaline, the heart palpitations, the irregular breathing.

Still, you manage to function. You work past it. And most of the time, you can hide your symptoms from prying eyes—even those that care.

Welcome to the endless battle of chronic anxiety attacks.

But that’s not all. This fear, this negative anticipation of the worst possible outcome, often tumbles into depression.

I remember when I realized this was happening to me.

I was sitting on the couch with my daughter, who was bouncing around doing her normal toddler-type activities, when the overwhelming emotion hit me like a linebacker shooting the gap and blowing up a play before it even starts.

The thoughts of the day were more like a montage of negativity playing in mind.

My failures rolled on steady repeat while flash-forwards of failure gripped every future moment I could imagine. I was stuck—right there in my beautiful Brooklyn home while my beautiful toddler was singing some song she picked up from “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood,” in the center of my beautiful life.

She was happy. I was terrified.

It was crushing. And I wanted nothing more than to be out of that internal chaos. We live 17 floors up in a downtown Brooklyn apartment building overlooking the rest of the borough. For a split second, I thought… “Jump?”

No. Jumping was never something I’d even consider, despite the release it promised.

But I so desperately wanted it to end, to have someone else end it for me, to have some else end me…

Owning the anxiety

As you might have guessed, I decided to do something about this plague of anxiety and depression.

I tested the waters a bit and reached out to others going through similar struggles. While I didn’t explain the extent of my pain, it was obvious to them that I was in a dark place.

John Romaniello, my business mentor and friend, who’s shared his own experiences with depression and attempted suicide, encouraged me to find a therapist immediately. He explained how it was incredibly helpful for his own journey and even offered to help me look for a professional.

Fellow dad blogger Doyin Richards said the same. His piece on experiencing the battle with depression resonated with me and I was moved to get his advice.

But I hesitated to do anything else.

I don’t think it was because of my manly manliness complex. Rather, I suspect my hesitation came from an internal guilt—a shame that I needed to ask for help. For the longest time, I honestly thought it was a great idea that everyone see a therapist at some point in their life.

But that meant sharing my struggles with my family. And when you’re consumed with being a great husband and father and cannot fathom resting until achieving perfection on all fronts, the thought of bringing a loved one into a web of mental anguish is a fantastic barrier to overcome.

I mean, why hurt the ones we love the most by sharing this incredible burden and making them worry?

Fortunately for those of us who suffer, this is flawed logic.

Our family and friends are here for this exact purpose—to hold each another up and catch us when we stumble and fall.

So I told my wife. She wasn’t oblivious to my suffering, of course; she knew for a while that I had been sliding into a dark place. But it wasn’t until she read this post for the first time that she knew how desperate I was for a solution.

So we started looking for a therapist together. But here’s the rub: Finding help is a part time job.

On top of my business, taking care of my daughter every day, and fighting to stay mentally afloat, the search for help was an enormous burden. That’s why I needed my wife. She was there to help me organize thoughts and research, and to help me make decisions that were difficult because of my fog of depression.

We worked hard to find someone. And we did, but it took time—and many visits to therapists. The truth is, the first professional you interact with may not be the right fit for you. Keep looking, keep talking, and keep the fight going. You will find the support you need.

The ongoing battle

It’s been over a year since I started therapy.

Every session I have with my therapist, we manage to talk about everything and anything. We talk about my failures in my personal and professional lives. We talk about my effort to become a fantastic husband and father. We talk about my relationship with my mother. And we talk about how uncomfortable I feel in my skin as a biracial man living in a climate of deep ethnic divisions and prejudices.

We also talk about the things that bring me joy and happiness. These color my mental state as much as any negativity—and give me a force to counteract the negative absurdity running rampant in my mind.

Some days, my sessions work. But my therapist has made it clear that conquering anxiety and depression is not a once-a-week affair. That’s why I write. And meditate. And journal. I make sense of the madness and seek out the good in the bad.

With all of this effort, you might be surprised to read that I’m not winning the battle today. But I’m still fighting. And I have support and methods to quell the growing fear of failure.

And tomorrow—well, tomorrow I might be back to my mostly perfect, beautiful life in New York City. Or I might not.

But as long as I keep fighting, keep working, I believe I will have more good days than bad. And on that journey, I will become exponentially more grateful for the good in my life that sustains me in the darker days.

How to get help

If you’re suffering from anxiety or depression, I strongly encourage you to seek out help from a professional. Knowing others in your walk of life who have done the same will give you courage to follow through, but if you know you’ll hesitate, then bring in a loved one to help you take the right steps.

Here’s what I recommend:

Check with your insurance provider for a potential list of mental health professionals covered by your plan.

If you don’t have mental health coverage, consider TalkSpace.com—an online solution for anyone who cannot afford in-person options for therapy. Licensed therapists are available by text message, which breaks that potential mental barrier of having to meet someone face-to-face.

And if you or someone you know is having thoughts about suicide or feel like you might harm yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

With help, you can unshackle your life from anxiety and depression. Commit to the work, and let go of ingrained fears of weakness and failure.

Please believe me: Not treating these illnesses will absolutely be the bigger failure.

The post How to Turn the Tide in the Battle Against Anxiety and Depression appeared first on Early To Rise.

0 notes

meanwhileinoz · 7 years

Text

10+ Misconceptions About Mental Illness Need To Be Cleared Up Right Now

Mental illness is a myriad of conditions that appear in different ways. Moreover, because of the constant misinterpretation of mental illness on social media. Mental illness is often misunderstood.

Therefore, to inspire a more positive discussion on mental illness, here are a few anecdotes to clarify the confusion:

Depression comes with a mask.

I have depression. People don’t believe me because I appear outgoing and gregarious in social situations, but it’s just a large coping mechanism and something I need to do in many cases for client meetings and gatherings and such.

It’s exhausting. I’m drained and many times feel horrible afterward. I wish people knew that just because you appear happy or content on the outside, you can still be the opposite on the inside. Many people with depression go to great lengths to disguise or mask it, which makes it all the more difficult for others to see that there’s something wrong.

– ldn6

The intricacies of Mental health.

Mental Health is a spectrum. It’s extremely unlikely that any one person is 100% Mentally Healthy, and it’s unlikely that they’re the opposite. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates only about 17% of adults are in a state of “optimal” mental health.

Just because you may have an issue though, doesn’t mean that you’re spiraling and unhealthy. Much like a physical health issue, a single episode isn’t the end of the world. – (Source)

Dispelling the ADHD myth.

ADHD; it DOES exist, and it’s not just about looking at squirrels outside the window.

And we’re not just seeking stimulants. Many of us hate taking medication because it makes us into zombies that can barely function and choose to deal with the symptoms of the condition rather than take Adderall or any other pills. – willflungpoo & Ketrel

Bipolar disorder needs to be understood better.

Usually when you say ‘I’m bipolar’, you get odd responses from either a) the people that think you are this rabid psycho bouncing off the walls one second and is dangerously suicidal literally the next second or b) the people who think “bipolar” is a normal, quirky personality trait. You know the kind: “you’re bipolar? me too! I’m so damn emotional all the time.”

I simply try to explain it to people as best as I can with a metaphor I came up with once: It’s not a balanced, steady rollercoaster of emotions, that most people experience and enjoy. It’s also not a rollercoaster that does 60 loops in a row, derails and explodes onto the ground below. it’s more of a rollercoaster that goes too high up with a bit too much energy and then gives everybody really bad whiplash when they drop to the bottom of the ride over and over until it’s too much.

The metaphor is kinda dumb at not completely accurate, but it just helps people understand better.

– zapsquad

Mental health and crime do not correlate.

Some people have an inherit fear of others who suffer from a Mental Illness. The media over-sensationalizes the effects of Mental Illness to a point where it seems that crimes are only committed by people who suffer from it.

This is completely untrue, as the American Psychological Association found that only 7.5% of crimes are directly related to Mental Illness.

– (Source)

Depression is not an illusion.

Depression.

“But you don’t have anything to be depressed about, sweetie.”

That’s like saying, ‘But you can’t have asthma! This room is full of air!’

– kernunnos77 & eeyore102

The importance of decreasing stigma.

Mental Health affects everyone. Research estimates that 1 in 5 people experience mental illness in their lives. So even if you aren’t suffering from it, someone you know might be suffering.

This is why it’s so important to decrease a stigma about Mental Health and open up a conversation about it. Everyone will experience the effects of it and the more we are able to understand and communicate about it, the more positive our relationships can be.

– (Source)

Psychologists are really trained professionals.

On the heels of that, it’s important to talk to a medical professional about your mental health instead of just your close family and friends.

Treating Mental Health takes more than just ‘Talking and Listening’ and the techniques that Psychologists use are developed through years of education and training to positively impact their patients.

– (Source)

I think you deserve that rest.

I have severe anxiety. So much so it’s developed into agoraphobia. I stay in my apartment most days, and only really go outside in public accompanied by my safe person. The common misconception is that I’m lazy. I don’t have a life. Because I stay inside all day, most days, and I’m content not leaving. But I do a lot. I draw, I’m learning how to sew, and I try to get out a little more every day but it’s baby steps.

People also think I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I have regular panic attacks. At least 3 times a day. It’s rather exhausting. My brain feels like it needs rest after having one.

– MetalMaiden420

Misconceptions about Anorexia.

I have anorexia. I think the most common misconception is that it is about being thin. I have honestly never met a person who developed an eating disorder because they wanted to look like some photoshopped model. For us, it’s about perfection and control, it just so happens that thinness is a trait that our society admires, which is why we strive to achieve it. At a certain point, you are intellectually aware that you are not attractive and dying, but this irrational little part of your brain won’t let you eat because you’re still too big. There is no such thing as “small enough”, once the disease takes hold no amount of weight loss can satisfy.

– purpleelephant77

Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness.

For some reason, even with this debilitating stigma that people dealing with Mental Illness face, it’s still seen as weak to look that in the face and say: “I’m going to go to a therapist anyways”. That doesn’t make sense at all.

But for people with Mental Health issues, opening up emotionally is a very trying experience. That’s exactly what happens in therapy, you open up your emotions and face your mind at its worst.

How could that be seen as weak? – (Source)

Yeah, just stop thinking like that.

OCD isn’t about being organized and anal. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing at it’s worst and telling us to “just not have those thoughts” isn’t helpful.

– mycatisawh***

Another great analogy for anxiety.

Anxiety is that unwelcome, creepy stranger at a party that won’t leave you alone.

One thing people don’t get is how debilitating mental illness can be. With anxiety, it isn’t simply just worrying too much about a deadline…that’s stress. Stress is good. Anxiety is bad. Anxiety starts with automatic thoughts that ruminate into something bigger. It’s worrying about things out of your control. I’ve been told more times than I can count to “just quit worrying so much.” I don’t think people realize how much effort I have to put in to getting myself into healthy thought patterns. It is a daily battle to fight off thoughts like “everyone hates me” and “you’ll never amount to anything”, and not let them ruminate to the point where I cancel my day and crawl back into bed. – frazzled_wumbologist

When people think your illness doesn’t even exist.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Easiest way to explain it is that I’m so good at compartmentalizing, the compartments can’t all access each other (work-me can’t access school-me can’t access home-me). And since people are kind of the sum of their experiences, my different ‘mes’ seem different from one another.

Did you know DID affects from 1-5% of the population? That’s the same as depression, schizophrenia, and a host of better know physical illnesses. Did you know that doctors trained in trauma only find the CATALYST for DID to be controversial? In other words, they know it exists, they just don’t know why only some child abuse survivors end up with it. Most people think the existence of DID is controversial when it really isn’t anymore.

And the really bad part is, abuse is always denied, always minimized. To come out from that scarred, with a mental disorder that was, in essence, thrust upon you by others when you were too young to resist, and to then be denied or minimized….there is a reason only my spouse and my therapist know I have this disorder.

– ThrowawayDIDhardenuf

Maybe people are actually sick?

People who really are suffering from a Mental Illness aren’t faking it for the medication. I can’t understand why this is such a permeating thought. Mental Illness is such a debilitating condition and the stigma is so overbearing that it would be completely undesirable to fake it.

These are real medical conditions that are treated by real medicine and real doctors. Ignoring a broken foot and continuing to walk on it won’t let it heal

– (Source)

Misconceptions about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline personality disorder does not mean I am an axe-wielding homicidal bunny boiling stalker. Never have been.

Therapy helped massively with my emotion regulation and crisis management skills. Also suffer from depression, so life is a constant juggling act and some days are better than others. I’ve been mean, manipulative and suicidal and I self-harmed. The guilt of the way I acted is what usually drives the depression. Many people make the assumption that all borderliners are evil, usually because of bad experiences.

There are bad people with BPD. But there are also good people who want to change their lives for the better.

– Welshgirlie2

Clearing up more misconceptions about OCD.

I have autism & OCD and as soon as people find out, they start making Sheldon Cooper jokes and asking if my pencils not being aligned perfectly on my desk makes me freak out. OCD does not universally equal being a neat-freak, and autism does not universally equal being a socially stunted outcast.

My desk is a disaster and I can function fine in most social settings, but I can’t drink out of a cup without rinsing it out first(even if it just came out of the dishwasher), I pick my bottom lip till it bleeds, I can’t look people in the eye, I add up number sequences(like totals on receipts) till I’m left with a single digit number and if the number isn’t “good” I get uneasy, and I have horrifying intrusive thoughts that replay in my head for sometimes weeks at a time.

The autism isn’t so bad, but the OCD is really bad. It sucks and I wish I didn’t have it.

– Lydious

No one is immune.

Children can suffer from Mental Health problems too. It’s also not just a product of a bad childhood experience or a bad parent. These things just happen to everyday people.

In the UK, 1 in 5 children have been diagnosed with a Mental Health problem, and 1 in 20 teenagers suffer from depression specifically.

– (Source)

A personal account of the stigma people face.

High Functioning schizophrenic. Being close to 40, I’ve lived with the stigma of not being able to be trusted, that it’s just an overactive imagination & that I have more than one person living inside of me since I was a teenager. But mostly it’s the overactive imagination one that really bothers me.

– iwsnvrhr

Stop saying this please.

Having suffered from both Anxiety and Depression, many times I’ve been told to just “snap out of it”, which obviously isn’t possible. I’m not sure people always realize how debilitating these illnesses can be for people.

– Anonymous

Maybe don’t judge people by their medical history?

People with Mental Health concerns can absolutely hold a job. Like we mentioned before, these people aren’t violent or constantly having manic episodes.

In fact, studies have shown that employees with Mental Health issues are just as punctual, motivated, and work at a level on par with or greater than other employees.

Misconceptions about Tourettes.

It really drives me nuts when I say I have Tourettes to someone and they immediately let out a string of swear words.

Yeah no. If you told me you had alcoholism, my immediate reaction wouldn’t be swaying back and forth and slurring my words. Thanks for belittling my issues.

I wish there was more awareness about Tourette’s outside of the Hollywood version of it. It sucks living with constantly twitching, but it sucks telling someone you have it and having them think you have a hilarious malady and making a joke about it. I’m easy going, but for some reason, that really gets under my skin.

– my_Favorite_post

Although, there are some terrible people out there.

PTSD is something that stole certain joys away from me (shooting guns, fireworks, etc.) And it really sucks. To see people fake it and use it to get notoriety and discounts makes me sick to my stomach. I can only trust therapists or doctors with my issues. Not complete strangers.

– nessn12

We’ve been talking a lot about the debilitating effects of Mental Illness, but the truth is it’s not a life sentence. People can recover completely from their Mental Illness with the right help and medication.

Some issues aren’t curable, but they are treatable. Again, with proper medication, it’s entirely possible to live a happy and positive life.

– (Source)

You may also like

http://ift.tt/2unpMpW

#ENTERTAINMENT

0 notes

sanguinesprout · 7 years

Text

Just write... don’t think too much... ugh... impossible... It hurts... (Bittersweet feelings of the past, some self- encouragement and general happenings)

It’s really difficult, especially difficult lately. I’m not sure whether these physical symptoms that have been plaguing me for some time have resurfaced on their own, or whether they’ve been exacerbated by the tremendous amount of stress I’ve been subjecting myself to, but it’s knocked me back quite a lot. Both physically and mentally, I’m so exhausted and so pained, it hurts so much. I feel like I can’t do anything again, there’s no joy or desire to do anything, my motivation is almost all shrivelled up, concentration span is -1000 and I’m still ever so frustrated with myself. I need to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up about things again.

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was thinking about it a few days even before that so I have completely forgotten what I wanted to write. Happens pretty much every time and I’m such an idiot but w/e, oh welp and never mind. Spontaneous is the way to go!

The past few days, or weeks I’ve been really in a sort of nostalgic-ish sentimental kind of mood. Mulling over the past isn’t something I want to keep doing because well it sucks demotivates and side tracks me usually, but in this case it was kinda unavoidable and sometimes reflecting is good too. I’ve been tidying a lot of the stuff in my room lately, trying to declutter and sort through some stuff that has gone untouched for years. Things like toys from childhood, books from school, even some old photos and things like that. Seeing them all again feels so bittersweet. So much has changed, the things I used to love and find big and amazing look so small and old now, it fills my mind with memories and also sadness. I’ve never been allowed pets so the stuffed animals I had were very dear to me and made me feel safe, seeing them again made me feel horrible for boxing them away for so long. The feeling of being replaced or thrown away is such a horrible thing, I feel really guilty about it, but it’s also something I feel like may have happened to me idk...

I am always worried about growing older and having not accomplished anything, being a burden... It’s one of the reasons I am scared to reconnect with past friends or put myself in view of relatives on places like Facebook. I imagine all those people are happy and successful unlike myself. I mean I’m only assuming this and I’ll never know how they’re doing really, but they were definitely much more functional than I, that’s for sure. I even dreamed about them a few times lately, made me remember some good things and bad things, it left me feeling pretty wistful and upset. I do miss them a lot and I wish I tried harder to stay connected but being there on FB was just such a bad experience for me and everything else at the time was already too much to handle, I had to run, I had to disappear... :< There’s so many more specific things, reasons, events which I could mention but I’m not ready to write about it, or I am too scared to or may have remembered wrongly. It pains me so much to think back about bad times, but it’s probably all my overthinking that was the real cause of the problem idk... ;;

I also went back and looked at every account I’ve had on the internet that I could remember. Some linked to more that I had forgotten even, but in general they all weren’t used for more than a year or two. Most of these were from like 7-8 years ago when I was most active and well... I’m sure I’ve written something like this before but I still write pretty similar now, though much less sort of goofy and hyper lol. I saw I wrote some things that I probably would never even think of writing now or feel would be much too personal in a way to disclose so freely. I would favourite and comment a lot more and just generally try reach out and message people much more easily. I was still anxious about things I posted and I mentioned my worries frequently, I remember still trying hard to fit in and only partly succeeding, and I openly wrote 'my life sucks’ in some of my profiles lol. I want to regain some of that confidence or carefree-ness I had before or to find some new ones. (Sounds like I’m talking about buying shoes or something, but I am too lazy to think up a fancy coherent sentence rn lol.)

There’s a lot of friends I talked to then and well disappeared from, but some of them also disappeared. Things happen and there’s a lot more important stuff that requires focus on for everyone. Maybe like these times I’ll be able to forget my most recent escapes and losses of friendship as time goes on. Though the last time was different... there was conflict while in previous ones I just faded out. The conflict really affected me a lot, much more that I could even comprehend, I feel it may have even sparked a lot of my current illness. I looked back on some things from before the conflict happened and it’s such a shame how something so happy and sweet can become so sour so easily. I miss the happier times I experienced and I wonder how all the people I’ve ever talked to online are doing. I hope they are well and I’m thankful that they were my friend, no matter how long or short that may have been, it still meant so much to me.

There is still one friend I occasionally message and a few still within reach now. I feel bad for staying away from them, but my priorities lie in improving my health. I keep feeling like I’m being selfish, but looking after yourself and your health is of the utmost importance. I was a little happy when the friend (and past friends) said they wanted to talk to me recently or times before when they’ve said before that they enjoyed messaging me, it made me feel... well, not worthless, which is very nice and touching and I hope my own words may have warmed their hearts just as much too :’>

Something I was also able to take away from my little nostalgia dig is that I was a good person and still am. Not to be bigging myself up or anything, but I just want to remind myself of this for all the times when I decide to hate on myself and bring myself down. I know I have a good heart (figuratively at least lol) and that I am someone worthy of friendship, even if at times I feel I don’t deserve it. I liked to help people and also admire people’s work with great enthusiasm, while being appreciative of their comments and it showed. I should cherish myself more and give myself credit for what I have been able to do instead of beating myself down with doubt and self-loathing.

When I looked the art I had posted before all those years ago, I felt pretty impressed by myself and kind of proud, which is very motivating. There were plenty of flaws, a lot that I worried about and even mentioned repeatedly, but there were people that genuinely liked my creations and the actual content, even if experimental was very good even in my own eyes ^^ Even if it sucked, I still continued and wanted to learn to get better. Now I am always afraid of trying things, always unaccepting of the flaws and instead striving for the unattainable but failing and ending up paralysed instead. Sometimes effort is not equal to a good result and sometimes it is, sometimes unintentional things can be great and intentional things can suck, sometimes... no, at all times I just need to go for it and praise myself even for just the act of trying, no matter the outcome. ‘Perfectly imperfect’ or ‘free and me’, maybe those are the styles I can strive for instead C:

Anyways, now I’ve had a look at the past, it’s time to get back to the present where everything matters most. I’ve been going shopping, to the park and stuff like that quite a bit again recently, it’s been nice even though I wasn’t feeling that good and the weather’s been pretty erratic as usual. I haven’t played Just Dance for probably over a month now lol, I actually got the newest one and haven’t even tried it, my focus has just been elsewhere or maybe just nowhere. Despite this, I think I am still feeling alright physically, besides the possibly stress/anxiety induced pains. I have lost a little weight, probably from my cleaner-ish diet, and it feels less tiring when I do go out and I feel a tiny bit more confident which is good, I hope lol >< My skin has been even awful-er lately and that knocked back my confidence though :c I kind of took the time to pamper myself yesterday, it was nice after such a long time and I’m glad I put the effort onto doing so even though it was hard :3

I started watching this Korean drama (’Heart to heart’) a while ago, which I had high hopes for, as it was centred around a girl with social phobia(or that’s what the summary said, but she actually has agoraphobia which is well, different) and a psychiatrist but I lost interest in it fairly quickly. It’s just a typical Korean romance drama dressed up a tiny bit differently, with the lead male (the psychologist) having the stereotypical rich, arrogant, selfish personality which is completely illogical and unrealistic for his occupation and some other hand wavy cliche things. Me and my sister were watching it while my parents were there. Before watching it I was thinking it could maybe give a slight insight into how I feel, but it was much too... too... idk it feels like the topics aren’t treated seriously or are exaggerated for maybe comedic effect. I feel I expected too much. Also the second lead guy is an actor I kinda like and his personality is the total opposite of the lead (kind hearted, heroic etc.), but knowing the lead girl will probably end up with the mean lead guy is just so annoying.

My dad was asking why the character is so weird and my mum just doesn’t watch it at all, she has something against Korean dramas in general and since the topic of therapy has been around with me lately, it probably put her off more... My sis even said to her that I specifically wanted her to watch it, which really freaked me out. Something I took away from it is that I don’t want to reach the point which the main character was in, I know that sounds really mean and that what she has is different but it scares me to think about it, the extent in which someone would go to avoid interaction and if that someone could end up being me (though I know very well how unlikely that’d be). She lives alone, can’t speak up to anyone, literally runs away from interaction and she does things like grow vegetables in her house so she wouldn’t have to go to the store etc. (That was one of the things my dad was commenting on amusedly and enquiring about). But she also knew how to cook and drive a scooter and she could go out with confidence when in disguise etc. which is so much more independent than I, though she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants to survive.

Uh I shouldn’t be comparing myself to a character lol... or anyone else for that matter... The drama is interesting in a way, but the typical rich snobby characters and cliches irk me. I actually don’t have the energy to watch anything at the moment in general most of the time anyways... it sucks... ><

Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.... I just feel like maybe knowing what’s wrong, or pushing myself in the direction of what I feel is wrong with me may turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy and I really wouldn’t want that at all. I need to wise up more and wait for official help, it’s really difficult to not want to self diagnose myself with avpd, though I kind of already have been doing so. I am still waiting for contact about an appointment, and well there’s been nothing so far, seems like it’ll probably be a while before I begin getting anywhere there. It’s disheartening but I can keep being patient and trying on my own still like I have been doing at least.

There’s lots of things I’ve been wanting to do and thinking about them is overwhelming, especially because of how I feel there isn’t enough time because I go about things so slowly. But I know I also waste a lot of time just worrying about it, wallowing is sadness or getting lost in other thoughts. There is enough time, I’m just not using it as much as I could, but it’s really hard with that mental block always being there. I’m thinking of that Confucius quote again, about being slow and it not mattering, it’s pretty nice and reassuring. I haven’t done totally nothing these days, I did quite a few things and maybe none of them are near finished, but if I just push a bit more maybe I’ll do just that. No more pushing myself down and instead let there be more action! I can do it! I can keep going! :D

Wow this post got long lol, but I did write it over quite a few days and w/e I can write whatever and however long I want, stop worrying silly me! This your blog to do with as you like after all! I may not be feeling good right now, but it won’t stop me from doing things. I wanna make awesome stuff and kick ass and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do hoohah! Alrighty, motivation up! Let’s go~~!! C:

0 notes

nicolelearnstorun · 7 years

Text

23 - 100 Days of Recovery

I usually like to sit down on Sunday evenings and see if there's reflecting to be had. But this week I didn't and I didn't on purpose. I knew I would tonight and I knew today was going to be a big day for me emotionally, so I put it off.

100 days ago I made a simple commitment.

It was personal and I kept it (mostly) to myself. I decided that no matter what happened from there (February 6, 2017) I would abstain from emotional and binge eating. I wrote myself what turns out to be quite an emotional letter, "Dear future Nicole" that I struggle to read today, mostly because the Nicole 100 days ago was scared, unsure of herself and craved self love more than anything else. Nicole 100 days ago didn't know what she was fully capable of and used phrases like "preparing for battle". She didn't know she was going to make it through one full day of what she would later learn to call recovery, let alone 100 days.

On a daily basis all of this seems easy now. "Easy" is a funny word to use, honestly. The practices I've put in place have become so routine for me that it has become second nature. I'm not naive, trust me, I understand what relapse means and I understand that it can happen to me. But I'm so deep in this fight now, I am committed to only going forward. I have plans in place if I need them, and I choose not to focus there, on the what happens ifs..., instead I choose to focus on each day, every day, one day at a time.

Some of the finer points that have helped get me through to day 100 include and probably aren't limited to:

"Fat is a symptom of our illness... But in order to get well we need to admit we are sick." (p.3). I gave it a shot and I gave in. It was easy because I was tired of living in such despair. The hardest part initially was admitting, without proper diagnosis, that I have an eating disorder (ED). I struggled with finding the proper vocabulary to describe what I was going through. But 100 days into the self-treatment of an ED it becomes very clear that with professional diagnosis or not, with the success that has come from treating an ED, that I clearly have an ED. These two points, I feel the need to mention, were on the first 3 pages of the first book I'd picked up on ED in years. Everything was starting to speak to me and it was written about the exact issues I was facing. FINALLY.

By page 12 I had already found my new mantra. "One step at a time; one day at a time". In all absolute seriousness, every single day I remind myself of this and this one simple phrase gets me through each and every day. It started on that first day, by just getting through day one, and the feeling of accomplishment that went along with finally getting through one day binge-free. I tried to repeat the next day when it came, was successful, and then woke up and moved on to day 3. Stringing 100 of those days together has brought about some serious changes. The fat, the symptom the this illness, is shrinking through the treatment of an ED. All because I take life one day at a time.

I learned that although I found the idea of the traditional Christian God to go against everything I believed in Science-wise, I realized that I did indeed believe in a force greater than myself that would "provide the strength" I needed to remain in recovery. I gave up on the idea that I really had any control and handed it over to the universe. I firmly believe that the universe has my back. It sounds silly, I understand this as I'm writing it out. But it's what's worked for me and that all that I really need to know. "One doesn't have to understand how electricity works in order to use it" (p. 23). I began to fully understand that even though "god" didn't exist for me, I wasn't actually alone with this struggle.

I learned to live solely in the present. That the past was something that was done and over and there was nothing I could do to change it. I stopped worrying about the future because I had shifted my focus onto today, one day at a time. The idea of remaining abstinent from emotional and BE for the rest of my life seemed rather daunting at first. But the idea of remaining abstinent for one day at a time really made a huge difference in my attitude. It really freed me. "The only way to be free is to go along with the Power that governs the universe... When my will is in harmony with the will of this Higher Power, I am free to be who I really am and do what I am supposed to do" (p. 31). And that is exactly what has happened.

There is far more work that I have done - far more readings and assignments and research but those few basic points are the sturdy foundation of my recovery. I decided to share my journey through this blog and one day finally found enough courage to put it out there for the world. Being honest with family and friends has been liberating - I hadn't known the weight of it until it had lifted. I'm still working on being honest with people - most days I have at least one conversation that begins with "Nicole, you've lost weight! What are you doing?" and I take a breath and smile and say "drinking a whole lotta water and tracking what I'm eating while being active" when all I really actually want to say is "Thanks, I'm in recovery from an ED". I strive for this blatant honesty. I will get there. Because it really is important to talk about eating disorders and mental health - even if it's going to make some people uncomfortable, because it's the truth. It's my truth. Yes, I'm tracking what I'm eating to be mindful about where my calories come from. Yes, I'm tracking how much water I drink in the run of a day because it's clear to me that that's one thing I can focus on day in and day out, and yes, I'm being more active because it resets my mind and makes me feel good. I'm not lying - but I am avoiding the full truth. It's a level of transparency I strive for.

I've lost weight. I've lost an incredible amount of weight. It has been a lovely side effect of treating BED. But I don't stress over it. I weight myself weekly because one of my programs asks for it. I know that when I plateau (I have, multiple times over the past 100 days) that there's really no need to worry or stress over it because weight loss isn't my primary goal. My primary goal each and every single day is abstinence. My secondary goal is 120oz of water daily. My tertiary goal is 4 of 7 days worth of whatever activity I like (yoga/walking). And that's it. I'm sure you'll hear about it when I hit100lbs of fat loss. But aside from that I'm probably never going to write about a number when it comes to my weight - and that's a very important thing for me because it shows me just how far I've really come. The important thing here is the abstinence, not the number on the scale.

I'm hopeful and excited and energetic. There's a bounce to my step that hasn't been there for a while. I learned that I used food to numb my emotions - the ones of shame, worthlessness and hopelessness. I learned that one cannot selectively numb emotions. You numb the sadness and you numb the joy. Life is now lived daily, in full gratitude for getting that joy back. For taking my life back.

Today’s a fantastic day.

0 notes