#well even if i did i dont think i have any thoughts........

[angsthology]

no need for warmth when you wanna be cold with me

a/n; idk this was from daydreaming. could be read as any driver. prob the shortest thing ive ever written and i dont rlly like this so. not proofread

“It’s raining.”

“Shit. I didn’t bring an umbrella.”

“Yeah.”

“I guess we should wait it out.”

You paused, prompting him to turn towards you in question of your lack of response.

“Well… yes—” you briefly stood on your tippy toes before planting your feet on the surface again, face facing forward, “—or…”

He tilted their head looking at you, “Or?”

You finally turn to them with a bright smile—too bright to match the conditions you were faced with.

Instead of saying anything, you grab ahold of their hand, smile still gracing your face. “We could…” your head tilted towards the wet pavement under the drops of rain.

A smile couldn’t help but appear on his face, “Yes?”

You clicked your tongue, “Oh, come on, don’t make me say it out loud. Even suggesting it is making me regret it a bit, I think saying it out loud would kill me.” Your face cringed.

He chuckled, “Well it’s your suggestion. Why are you embarrassed?”

“Fine. We’ll wait it out like boring, normal, no sense of whim people.” You rolled your eyes sarcastically.

He too, mirrored your actions, only more lovingly than you did.

Brushing off your sarcasm, he humored the thought, “I have the next two weeks off and you want me to spend it… what? Sick in bed sniffling?”

You pressed your lips together, thoughts processing over about you wanted to say. It was only your first date after all, this could be stupid. A stretch. But after some (not so) careful consideration, you bumped your shoulder with his, eyes looking away from his face.

“With me.”

That prompted him to tilt his head in question once more.

You saw it, with your careful eyes sneaking a glance towards him after the hint you dropped.

You exhaled through your mouth to remove the excess shyness you had within you before carefully look towards his way again.

“You’d be sick… with me.”

He quirked an eyebrow at your suggestion, a similar smile creeping up his lips.

That was the last thing you remembered before a full night of splashing around in the rain together while coated with warm laughs despite the chill you both felt.

Fast forward to few days later, you find yourself with sore throats and hoarse laughs on the same couch under a large blanket together.

#f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #formula one x reader #formula one x you #formula one x y/n #f2 x reader #formula 2 x reader #formula 2 x you #paul aron x reader #oscar piastri x reader #logan sargeant x reader #ollie bearman x reader #charles leclerc x reader #alex albon x reader #george russell x reader #max verstappen x reader #pepe marti x reader #arthur leclerc x reader #george russel x reader

[gffa]

Im having tons of fun crawling all over your dick grayson tag and checking out the comics you've commented on. Batman year one:scarecrow has to be my favorite bbydick and bruce dynamic lol, but also if my dad nerve pinched ME to keep me out of the fight idve gone ballistic immediately upon waking. Betcha dick made *very sure* bruce could never keep him out of a fight that way again (though i didn't quite understand what dick meant when he said he feared batman in a godfearing way? Like its a raw as hell line but i dont quite get what he meant)

Excellentttttt, there's a lot of really fun Dick Grayson comics out there, and that one is just an absolute joy. (I would also recommend One Bad Day: Mr. Freeze, because I think it captures the same feral gremlin angel baby energy of Year One: Batman/Scarecrow! But also Robin & Batman. And Batman: Dark Victory.) The art combined with the dynamic is just so top-tier:

Dick just REFUSING to be serious about Bruce's cranky moods!

Dick casually flinging himself upside down on the couch while talking to Bruce! Refusing to let Bruce snipe at him, he's serious about this, too, you know! What's making you such a pill tonight?

Dick scooting under Bruce's arm to get a better look at some evidence in their case, like he's so little! And he just WRIGGLES RIGHT IN THERE, absolutely no thought for personal space! Or leans his head right on Batman's arm to get a closer look! And that's something that will continue even when he's big as an adult, he has never met personal space of a loved one that he would not casually violate!

Hopping up on the table to curl up with his arms around his knees, like he's not a tiny baby child, and going, "Bruce, seriously, something's wrong, talk to me." as if he's the adult in this situation while sitting there like a TINY BABY CHILD.

Leaving money for a guy they just beat up!

Bruce PICKING HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK like he weighs nothing, like he's just a pet cat to haul out of harm's way!

Dick trying to flirt with the receptionist and Bruce LOOMING with a cracking knuckles gesture, like if you even THINK about taking this tiny baby child seriously about how he's offering a date, it will not end well.

THEN MOVING DICK OUT OF THE WAY BY PUTTING ONE HAND ON HIS FACE AND SHOVING, I love Bruce, he's awful and the best.

Dick noticing details and asking really good questions, like that kid may not be as trained as Bruce is yet, but it definitely shows he had a natural affinity for detective work, that he's probably genuinely one of the best detectives out there after Bruce himself!

But also the "god-fearing way" and the nerve pinch lend it some nice crunch, because those moments (for all that this is a genre where these things should NOT be taking totally seriously, this is comics) are really kind of fucked up. I think, while Dick doesn't fear Bruce as a person, he can see the person Bruce is underneath the persona, there's part of him that understands Bruce is not always in control of himself and he does things he later regrets because of it. The whole mini is undercurrented with Bruce being in a bad mood, being surly and snapping, beating up people with more force than needed, slamming tables in his frustration, not talking things out. Dick sees how that plays out, it's why he keeps needling Bruce to talk to him--and Dick's not going to let any of that hold him back, he clearly feels safe enough to tease Bruce, to wriggle in under his arm, to lean on him, to snap back at him. But he also knows that Bruce can do things that are terrifying. He fears that Bruce is going to shut him out. He fears for the people in Batman's way. He knows Bruce will regret those things, but when Batman swoops down on someone he sees as being in his way, that's terrifying, like a wrathful, vengeful god. He's not really bothered by the nerve pinch, he gets why Bruce did it, and it hardly slowed him down that much. He understands that it was Bruce's way of protecting him, because he didn't want Dick to get hurt, but also I think Dick probably sees it as a challenge--to avoid it or overcome it again in the future, it's good training! Like, what a beautiful, wonderful, sweet, fucked up dynamic those two have! What a hilarious feral gremlin child he is, what an incredible "the child has to be just as mature as the adult, sometimes more mature" deliciously awful dynamic that is! Anyway, if any of you others enjoy Batman comics, please read Year One: Batman/Scarecrow, it is so funny and delightful and fucked up in a way I'm not sure it meant to be but sure is tasty as hell!

#lumi.txt #dc #batfam #dick grayson #bruce wayne #year one: batman/scarecrow

[flovverworks]

that part in pt2 ch5 that talks about trust,,,,,,,,,,,,i,,,,,wanna talk about that...

#stardust speaking ! #'do u wanna talk about anything else from there' absolutely not #well even if i did i dont think i have any thoughts........ #its jsut that the akiras thoughts about trust aligns so much about things i otherwise like/think/talk about that i @_@ #relations.......love..........mending........what are things you can forgive....what are things you cant forgive.......... #if u say this or do that what are the consequences....how does those consequences affect the people around u....... #building trust....losing trust............. #if i make a mistake what happens then.....if you make a mistake what happens then........... #its the. complicated parts of relations #thinks about suis even in gbf for the billionth time #am i allowed to love you? are you allowed to love me? #what is love? how do people love? what are ways of love? #you & kou fighting so hard for sui even when she revealed her true form. because the sui they love is the one they got to know #not the being shes apart of #ggg its just....those kind of themes..................trust....love........... #building them up breaking them down........ #aimers butterfly knot song too..... #is it bump of chicken? that also has a similar metaphor...........radwimps wrote aimers i think. unless im confuwsing it all again #but comparing building relations to tying knots...dont pull too fast...not too hard....not uneveningly................. #both has to put in effort.... #man.......

[lecliss]

I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.

#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it #like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago #so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows #but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown #AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS #1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject #and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS #or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's #AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way #okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there. #also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that #well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there #ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE #also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines #IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT #AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS #i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen. #its VITAL that that did not happen!!!! #its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan #and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died #SO. logically it must have been like #fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?) #and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist? #like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote? #that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro #god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke. #NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW #in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw) #does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab???? #oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute

[commander-gloryforge]

.

#damn . if i like. ever did something wrong i wonder why they dont just talk to me about it #like idk i thought when they like. vagued about *someone* i had to convince myself that it wasnt me #like i literally went through our messages to make sure i didnt say anything wrong #but apparently it was me after all? i just wish they wouldve. idk. talked to me about it #it feels so hypocritical? why are you allowed to say what you think and im not #unless i actually did what you claimed but i cant remember this happening nor can i find messages where it happens #and even then instead of vaguing about me when you know im not doing well you can just approach me #or is there a whole different reason? do you avoid me because of something else? am i just not on your level after all? #if it was any other person i wouldnt have cared so much but they were one of the first friends i made there #we worked out so well in the beginning and now you realised im not who you thought i was and instantly replaced me #why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me? is there something wrong with me or is it everyone around me? #this is why i dont approach people. this is why im so intimidated by others. it doesnt work. ill always end up being less. #everyone always ends up being better and more and i am the replacable one. idk. just sucks

[vitamin-zeeth]

For my English course this year I wrote an essay on the debate of fine art vs contemporary art and I haven't reread it since I sent it in I wanna see if I can find this shit cause I have no clue what I ended up stating as my opinion

#it was crazy how many people i mentioned it to immediately started shitting on contemporary art #like id explain what i meant by fine and contemporary art and the majority of people would instantly talk about how ridiculous #they thought contemporary art was and how it wasnt real art and shit #my english teacher told me i actually changed his mind about the subject and like ultimately all i did was fairly compare the two #i didnt favour either one i gave them both pretty much equal time i think lots of people just havent actually considered contemporary art #at any length before yk they just go well this is art cause its pretty and theyve painted a thing and i know what it is #and this is pretentious bullshit because i dont think its pretty and i cant tell what its supposed to be by looking at it #i went to a modern art museum recently with my family and there wasthis one exhibition that was an indoor garden thing #and they all kinda went whats the point of that its just plants it doesnt even make a picture and moved on pretty fast #but all the plants had little signs next to them explaining what they were and why they were significant and oh my god #it had a kind of motif of the hanging gardens of babylon but it was mostly about war specifically palestine and the effects the war has had #fuck man. i spent a solid hour in there that shit really fucked me up. i love art. #there was another room filled with traditional south american stuff i think it was? #there was this fascinating film and all these coolpaintings and models but there was also a tiny little boom you could read #and it was of mayan love charms and holy shit Tumblr wouldve loved those i think i have a picture of my favourite page #it was like 'i want to join myself to him. i want this man to be my other half' #mmmm. anyway #tag essay #i love love love talking about art i could sit and talk about art for literally hours #wet floor sign

[mitamicah]

.

#I have thoughts about the new tour yet I am not sure if I should share (given why I do so in tags) #I am not surprised to see denmark is absent #I am a bit surprised to see no scandinavian country AT ALL #not surprised to see germany and the uk have most dates (that's sadly something I've seen a lot from bands/artists I like) #a little befundled with the route he has scheduled for both germany and the uk dates #glad to see other countries like switzerland france and the netherlands get their debut #not surprised it is in october since that seems to be around the same time for his europe antics last year as well #all this said I am a bit conflicted what to do myself #I'd like to go to gigs on this tour #yet I've already run out of the country four times these past upcoming five months (three times to finland) #since it is quite expensive and maybe not something I will have time for given I hopefully get an internship in august #with that in mind I feel like I should probably go for only a few dates #and yet last time I felt very much like I was missing out and overlooked because I didn't go to “more than two shows” #and here is where I feel like my thoughts are probably not great #i was thinking about maybe going for hamburg as first priority since it is the closest (4 hours in train) #then have frankfurt and munich as second priorities making it a little mini tour #I am not sure if I'd physically and mentally be able to do more than three gigs in a row #yet if I am I sort of want to go to zurich too because I've never been there #two days to decide is not very long #I feel very stressed tbh #and I hope noone will take this in any wrong way #please I really dont want to feel shit again #I know my last concert related take was on the fence #(even though as it turned out the venue did worse than me in that regard) #but this one is really just me thinking about what would be the smartest plan #other possible options would be to go for zurich since it is in a weekend (sunday) and then - depending on whether or not I have work #either go home or follow jere to amsterdam (then maybe paris and brussels) #another option is berlin then hamburg and then to home from there (so two shows) #or london and bristol since its the weekend (maybe manchester as well if it is not far - so up to three shows) #the latter I am a bit concerned about since being trans in the uk is not great atm

[krotiation]

damn i miss mid-2010 fandom culture

it feels like we went from “like whatever you want and have fun” to “like whatever you want but if you like this specific thing you will be publicly judged and made fun of”. like obviously we had a couple nuts making fun of others back then too but it wasnt as accepted as it is nowadays. seriously, take a fandom that has been declared cringy today and think about how it would be treated 10 years ago

#IK THIS IS LIKE THE SECOND TIME I MAKE A POST LIKE THIS but this isnt anything thats based on my own interests and experiences #more so just things ive seen lately specially after s4 of stran/ger things came out and people on tiktok had a meltdown over fans cosplaying #WHICH I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HAD THE SAME THOUGHT cause ive definitely seen some people defending said cosplayers #also. really weird. but ive seen some asshats criticizing people making crossovers as well #meanwhile we had rise of the guardians #the secret trio #and oh my god BAD END FRIENDS #we're not even gonna get into crossover ships man those were the days #like ngl ive had moments where ive seen a crossover of sorts and thought wtf this doesnt make any sense why did you do this #but i dont have the right to judge considering i thrived off of crossovers when i was in middle school #ffs i made an h/tf and oso/san crossover as a joke i REALLY dont have the right to judge #i have no idea where i was going with this post i just miss how we viewed fandoms back then #i rewatched gra/vity falls and ive just been slapped with nostalgia from being into it while it was still ongoing and i mISS IT #i swear i can make an essay on how tumblr banning po/rn was the beginning of the end for fandom culture #oh and theres also purity culture but thats a whole other issue to get into #txt

[perilegs]

i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans

#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was #a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha'' #yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans #i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that #but it's still a bit. hmmm. #also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute #i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way #but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my #wavy hair and slight babyface and round features #which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man #as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this #though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c #well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow #also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which #once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans #the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy #oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute #face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man #and i love that #but also one of these ppl is not cis #if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people #but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans #but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im #living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow #but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl. #anyways i dont want to ruin our broship #i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared #agh idk #leevi talks

[thats-a-lot-of-cortisol]

My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.

I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃

#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag #trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened #and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents #but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO #they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her #but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers #and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming #(a conversation SHE started btw) #and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back #and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary??? #that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you #like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive) #but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but. #if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that #i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions? #and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️' #(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent) #hate it. thanks #apostake #jay rambles #ok to interact #im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged #gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully #they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face #haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc #it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace #my sister's 17 ffs #it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void #religion #mormonism

[deus-and-the-machina]

ffxiv garlemald discourse is so funny because people will go "ugh people just cant stand it when things aren't black and white" and then you look at how the empire are portrayed in stormblood and shadowbringers and its like hm. that seems like a pretty intense and accurate display of violent imperialism to me! Wow I wonder why people in this day and age may find it hard to feel sympathy for them or even hate them on principal. god its such a mystery.

the games like 50/50 to me on how it tackles these themes because I actually like the garlemald arc in EW, I think it has a lot of horrific and powerful scenes depicting how self destructive fascist propaganda and beliefs are, but I also think it doesn't go far enough on some fronts. the garleans' xenophobia is most notably and obstacle to getting them to accept the contingent's help, which is what they're there to do,

but there's never an admission of harm from any garleans on the uuuuuuuuh massive amount of war crimes the nations around them are still suffering from they're just kind of like "we misjudged you...but you actually wanted to help us all along" like yeah thats great now can we get you all some deprogramming because you keep talking about returning to your prime and glory days and I think we need to unpack some stuff you really SHOULDNT return to. im not even really talking about EW proper but the patches where things are a bit more chilled out and people are recovering.

It feels like they wanted to have their critique of imperialism and also have things end with the beauty of human connection and reaching out and these things just don't mesh well because hey a lot of your modern day audience is not gonna like having to treat people yelling xenophobic things at the cast and your character with kid gloves after you showed them hours and hours of the awful things these people's beliefs have done. especially in the present day hoo boy.

#im kind of torn between 'no characters dont need to be 'punished' to be redeemed but also the characters just being so lenient with the #colonizers after we see far too many people being lenient if not supportive of the colonizers irl. well. it really blows afslkjfalkf and #yeah you can argue if they'd gone through with the garlemald expansion they would've had more time to go into this but the fact is that its #absent from what they did do and I especially think the patches when we go to garlemald and the EW role quests going 'hey maybe the #provinces can help us rebuild' as if they'd have any goddamn right to ask that just make me feel like they didnt stick the landing #seeing all the characters who have suffering time and time again bc of the garleans or seen the results of their actions having to clamp #their mouths shut every time someone said something xenophobic in EW isnt satisfying and it leaves so much unsaid! #also some people feel like the narrative didnt blame emet enough but ngl I think thats reductive even with his micromanaging scheming littl #ass and the intention of garlemald turning out a shitshow that doesnt make anyone else less complicit. most governments like this exaggerat #and lie and spread propaganda but I dont think most people here excuse the actions of a bigot because 'they were raised that way' #this is also my issue with gaius' writing. hes primarily upset that ascians were behind what he thought was his good old fashioned natural #conquering ideology :( and doesnt it suck so much he killed people for it. like yeah he seems pretty aware what he did was wrong but his #ideology remains bizarrely intact and unchallenged by the characters around him. no dude it wasnt just the ascians the system is a lot more #complex than that by this point aaaaaugh #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #siren says #I hope people are nice to me about this I dont think I said anything particularly controversial to the Tumblr crowd (twt maybe but fuck em) #ig my main point with this post is that the game isnt perfect at writing this and also that look. I actually liked the main arc in EW and I #like quite a few garlean characters but I completely understand why others didnt like it or any garleans esp if they have their own persona #experiences with colonialism and I dont get to tell them they're invalid for that. too many people get judgmental about this understandably #upsetting topic and you just gotta accept that this is a big line for many people

[lordiavolo]

to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.

when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.

but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.

#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL #ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as #possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch #i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my #peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts #i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont #even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix. #i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a #part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase. #i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know #there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem #for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes #im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times #anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better #than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know? #being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be #that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends) #hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a #good person it is within ur hands i promise u #ok love u goodnight #personal

[sad--tree]

kinda assumed ppl were overstating the drums or w/e being Like That on st anger but. oh my god no they. they really are very very much Like That

#idk Music WordsTM but this does not sound. right. help. its so intrusive. #i dont even think the songs are bad! is this what ppl mean when they talk about bad production on an album??? #watching some kind of monster did not prepare me for how these songs actually sound..... #i thought the snippets u hear in the doc sounded fine..... #whats up yall month number two (2) of my mental metallica lockdown :( finally branching in2 some other albums.... #incidentally i enjoyed 72 seasons actually #like. theres nothing really uhh groundbreaking? in it but it was enjoyable! i like it! esp you must burn! and inamorata #my friend said he thought it sounded 'overproduced' and tbh i have ZERO idea what that means when ppl use that as a descriptor for any music #like ive heard plenty of stuff id maybe call UNDERproduced but over?? some1 explain #same friend said he thought james hetfield 'hasnt aged well' and good god if he saw the old men i wanna fuck..... #this friend is Older tho so i dont like. make those kinda comments with him lol it would maybe. be Weird. #anyways i should look up live versions of the st anger songs i wonder if they sound different/better ?

[kaeyapilled]

. (tw heterosexuality)

#i am having the worst sexuality crisis of my life. i was so sure i was a lesbian but there is this One Guy.. #he makes me feel things. i think. but i cant categorize them #relationships w men sound.. unappealing.. if i think about it generally #like a random man? sounds weird. or maybe not. i dont know. i havent even had a first kiss lmao i dont really know stuff #but him............oh...........hes so funny and cool and nice to everyone. his hands are pretty (weird thing to notice but ok) #he explains math to me and i cant focus because he's too close. thats so MORTIFYING I THOUGHT I WAS A DYKE #but at the same time 12 year old me was having heart palpitations around my first girl crush and shit #and he hasnt made me feel anything that strong so far. so. idk. but also i was 12. so idk #well okay generally speaking women make me feel much more doing way less #there was this occasion where this girl who i always had a mild thing for but never did anything about it just came up to me #at school #and just. haha lol i had a dream about you last night ;) #i am not joking when i say i felt weak in the knees. she was smiling in a like playful way so i was gonna make a joke but i could not #because i was going to pass out from being too gay #this guy (or any other guy for that matter) doesn't seem to have the power to make me feel like that #..........am i bisexual with a female lean or whatever people say. or am i experiencinf the worst case of comphet of my life #this is awful. not because i don't wanna like men (its just sexuality idc) but because i don't want to prove my mom right #😭what if it WAS a phase #but who knows. mentioning the girl who dreamt about me kind of replaced the thoughts i was having of him for a bit there #i miss her she was nice. well sort of. but i was never involved in the drama so who cares fr. she graduated last year #anyways sorry for breaking character. tumblr user kaeyapilled is lore dropping

[rosecreates]

Raven and Astarion are basically just "Charlatan to Charlatan communication" without either realizing it because neither of them are very open about their pasts at first and in the scenario where Astarion enacts his simple plan on Raven he has no idea he is breaking Rule 0: Don't try to con another conman (or conwoman in this case).

Raven knows exactly what he's doing but she just doesn't tell him she knows until later because the game is fun.

Both of them thought this would stay a game but then they both catch feelings lmao. Absolute losers (affectionate).

#{oc ramblings} #{oc: raven} #ive been thinking more about raven with astarion because like i have major astarion brainrot ofc but like #they're real similar in several ways and i initially thought that would be their downfall as a couple but like whilst it still could be #they both are very capable of immense character development that can have it not end badly #raven already has all kinds of seeds for becoming better and i can imagine astarion would like...not intentionally push her toward that but #see he would encourage her to continue being her chaotic neutral self but i dont think he'd stay silent when he realizes shes being abused #like she keeps her past close to her chest and constantly is like 'oh drow society is just like this its fine' but everyone around her def- #is like '...you know that doesnt mean its ok you got treated the way you were treated right???' #raven wasnt sexually abused like astarion. but she did have to claw her way from the bottom to where she is. she knows extremely well she- #got lucky. and shes continued getting lucky. she's had several attempts on her life and she knows her fate is in her adoptive mom's hands #her adoptive mom could throw her out at any time. kill her even. she acts arrogant and full of herself but she knows the fragile- #foundation she stands on as part of house mizzrym. she already has dealt with lots of judgement from others. jealousy from others #her position is unstable and its also why shes real desperate to cling onto it because if she fucks up she's screwed no matter how talented #she may be. and that sort of thing isnt good for her. the constant worry about losing everything she has if she screws up. #she worked her butt off and still works her butt off to stay where she is but it can all not matter if her adoptive mother decides she's- #not worth shit anymore. even if she's killed countless of her adoptive siblings. even if she passed a test of lolth. #though she's also probably looking for a more stable position in drow society which i think her companion quest will feature her- #being offered the chance for a more stable position. im not sure what position. i originally considered the chosen of lolth but eh #maybe lolth tasked her with murdering her adoptive mother (akordia is her name) to overtake her position? #akordia possibly being the like right-hand woman of the current matron mother (her sister). i dunno. #god i wish drow lore was more centralized NBJFGNKBGF #maybe i'll rewrite the position that raven is in again to make it where she just serves house mizzrym #just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[heyitslapis]

Walked out of work today bc long story short a guest decided that she was gonna lecture me/use me & my "abhorrent, disrespectful attitude" as an example of a lesson for one of her student & I decided that standing there & being belittled wasn't worth it

#i only gave her back the disrespect she was giving me. not even as bad as she was dishing either #granted i couldve kept my composure but also she was up at the desk for 45 minutes making a mountain out of a molehill #& among other things in her ''lecture'' she told me that if any of her students or employees acted the way i did they'd be dismissed & fire #she said ''post covid there are PLENTY of people who would be lucky & LOVE to have any work right now'' & i thought #yknow. i love my job. but i dont deserve this. this isnt worth it #so i turned to the food & beverage manager who was the only MOD & said ''actually i think i will go home'' #i called my AGM after i left & let her know the whole situation. even told her i understand if im fired or written up bc of this but its no #worth standing there & being lectured & having this lady lie to my face about things i said/did. i dont deserve to be treated like that #the woman really told me ''this couldve been a teachable moment for you'' LMAO lady i will let a LOT of shit slide #but i refuse to be the subject of your lesson & i certainly dont get paid enough to have anyone who isnt management lecture me #it just feels weird though. ive never walked out before. never spotainiously taken the night off. never had a situation like this before #it feels weird having left & it feels weird sitting in my bed trying to enjoy my night when my brain knows im supposed to be at work rn #oh well #my AMG said im definetly not fired & she'll talk to the lady in the morning. i couldnt care less if i was though. theres always other jobs #and to preface i even apologized to the woman both for my behavior & the disrespect. yet she still felt like making an example of me #what a week its been #emma rambles #emma vents #2023 tag