#what the fuck brain let me live

[cherryb0om]

Arospec people that somehow get romanic attraction violently rip open their chest write the most poetic bullshit istg.

My proof? My brain shat this out whilst on the bus listening to fish in a birdcage:

#arospec #aromantic love???? #what the fuck brain let me live #poetry #shitty poetry

[inkskinned]

it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.

yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.

it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.

how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.

chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?

how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.

"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.

i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.

#writeblr #warm up #i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books #(just started book 4) #and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!! #(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. ) #anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild #but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild??? #so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning #and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go #anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct #i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers #i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page. #here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once #it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because #when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area. #i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that #a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN #who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends #i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!

[okkennymay]

It's been a very interesting year to say the least- those months still weren't 100% healthy but it was such a difference it was like living a different life, one not filled with constant dread and fear of the next monthly health episode.

It was unreal and I wish I'd made more use of of that time online while I had the chance, instead of being nervous of setting my body off and ruining a good thing going- but having past a new month my body completely imploding (only partially, which still sucks eggs), I can start to pick myself back up and keep going, hopeful once more! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

To all of you who have watched fade in and out of existence since my return online, Thank you for always being so patient 💖 my god was my previous username ghost-chicky ironic as hell, s2g it would be more appropriate these days than anything 0w0"

#okkennymay #comic #I still can't believe it's been ten years since by conditions first reared their head #thinking back through what i've been through #honestly it is a fucking miracle and a half i'm still alive-there certainly were a few way way way too close calls but man what the fuck #As hard as life still is these days it's still a vast improvement to what it used to be- I only survived through sheer determination #and the love and care of my family-I'm extremely lucky in that regard and I don't take it for granted for a single second #which is why I never stop trying to be a successful artist online-they've always believed in me and I refuse to let them down #I want to earn enough to give them a easier lives-to be there to help them as they helped me-my mum especially #I don't care that I sound like a repeating record in my tags- Blame the brain damage destroying my memory #they're my tags i'll belt out my heartfelt feelings if I want to dang it

[diathadevil]

Do you ever think about how Fakir, after him and Ahiru finally broke everything that kept the town of Goldkröne in the ghostly hands of its writer, after they finally have some air of peace over the town finally being able to live in its intended early 2000s environment, that Fakir still feels at times like it's not real and that for a while he fears that if he closes his eyes it'll be back in Drosselmeyer's control. Like it just doesn't feel real to him during that first year of calm, until he feels the dull pain on his recovering hand injury and Ahiru who follows him without a pendant anywhere to be found.

He doesn't feel it's real, the calm finality of this town, but he makes sure to feel the scar on his hand. And he makes sure to hold the little duck and realize that she is who she has always been. Him and the town are finally living peacefully.

#dia talks #princess tutu #He probably starts planning on writing Ahiru into the world mayyybe like 3-4 months into his recovery #he doesn't know what a cell phone is yet but he sure as hell can look at a bookstore and ask for a notebook and pens #i bet that first year in Goldenkröne must be hell because trading deals bring all sorts of new things into the town #Just Fakir going “what the fuck is a scooter?? Wait what's a CAR---” #he ends up having to read a bunch of newspaper articles about “Goldenkröne booming in German tourism!” #Actually does he even know his country's name... Did they all even know they lived in Germany and not JUST a city???? #Drosselmeyer would've really pulled one on them for only talking about the city and its outskirts and NOT the country it resided in #But let's assume they did know. Fakir would have to figure out so much has changed in 2002 Germany compared to whatever time they were in #My god just thinking about the thought of Fakir learning what a television is... or a radio for that matter has me howling internally #local amateur writer is put into a coma after hearing for the very first time german rapper Sido #alternatively: local amateur writer's brain explodes after hearing german Happycore artist Blümchen and dance pop group No Angels #ptutu spoiler #i know its a +20 old show but just in case people wanna watch it i love it enough to tag the post show headcanon #ptutu analysis #ptutu headcanon #ptutu post canon #Also sorry i keep jumbling between Goldkröne and Goldenkröne in the writing its 4 AM and the german part of my brain is a mess lmao #(its supposed to be Goldkröne but for some reason I keep making it into the attribute word Golden so dont mind the mistake) #(if you do i will sob please be gentle towards my polyglot self)

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

#WHAT AM I DOING!!!! #i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch #too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun #no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point #trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this #WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!! #there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time #my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me #my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job #i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time #i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again #and WHAT DO I WANT! #THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! #I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!! #anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed #delete later #i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious) #versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected) #i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want #ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you #i miss that i want that back #whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go

[unlikely-gravestones]

I wonder if Hob's ever been buried alive.

I don't know how his immortality works- do his wounds miraculously heal within minutes? Hours? Has he sometimes had to pretend to be injured, because no one heals from a stab wound to the gut over night?

Or does it take him just as long as any other person? Does he spend weeks bed-bound while recovering, slowly but surely knitting himself together? And if that's the case...has he been buried?

Has Hob woken up, weeks after being 'laid to rest', starving and in pain because fuck does his head and chest hurt and- why can't he move. Why is it so silent. Has Hob ever trailed his fingers, shaking from the effort, across wood grain 5 inches from his face? Has he, head pounding with pain and confusion, frantically mapped the limited space of his chamber because why are the walls so close to him why is he lying down why does-

Has Hob ever realised he was buried six feet underground.

Has he ever clawed at what he realises now is his coffin, hands scrabbling and nails catching? Pounded at the lid of it and screamed? Has Hob ever had to climb his way out of the ground

Anyway :)

#I was reading a fic that mentioned the air in Hob's dream being stuffy and hot and idk why but my brain was like #Oh a nightmare?? #Maybe bc I live in Australia and the heat is my no 1 nightmare but #My brain was like ooohh warm air STUFFY air must be contained somewhere what about a room no a BOX no a COFFIN #And then I thought of Hob having a nightmare about being buried alive #And then I thought....what if he has been #And now we're here besties #Forgive me comic people I don't know how his immortality is handled in the comics please let me have my fun #And by fun I mean putting my blorbos well being in a blender and wrecking that shit #the sandman #hob gadling #sandman #dreamling #Cw buried alive #cw claustrophobia #I mean he's def gonna be fucked up about that for a while

[moghedien]

i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking

#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful #if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu' #I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL #ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS #PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER #i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair #its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted' #and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you #and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu #NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE #figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life #and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES #but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me) #knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me #and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily #like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them #and telling them they don't is beyond cruel

[anurarana]

My frustration with Jason Peter Todd is that there is a universe out there where he was given a decades-long character arc; one where he could learn from his mistakes, and make amends where necessary, all the while still acknowledging the pain both caused by himself, his actions, his decisions, as well as the flipside, the harm he has personally lived through intentional or not.

This is a character that will always have his motives and ideology shaped by the trauma he lived through and died for, but the way it feels like current comics interact with that trauma is just one big bad event that everyone else has gotten over and yet he is never allowed to move on from. All he is ever allowed to be is the self-proclaimed black sheep, the one who died, but he's not able to deconstruct what all that meant for him, his morals and foundational beliefs as a character, because we had to shove it all aside way to quickly to make room for big happy bat family.

His entire existence feels like it is there to either serve as a punchline or surface level angst when needed. No one knows what to do with Jason anymore because they never gave him the space for real character growth when it was necessary.

I feel like I'm always like haha yeah Jason Todd, I wish he was worse. I wish he was in more pain. I wish he was alone, and he hated everyone again and vise versa. But it's more that I find his personal morals and ethics fascinating, I just wish they were properly fleshed out and given the time and consideration to evolve and expand along with his growth as a person. I want him to be wrong. I want him to fuck up, and fuck up again. His passion is what makes him interesting!!

I also want him to learn and grow into his skin without throwing away everything he stands for. That he could actually become a solid argument to the status quo that mainline comics can find themselves falling into, one that you get the sense he was originally brought back to be. But instead, he's the angry one that is insane and kills people, or swing way too hard in the opposite end, and all of his claws have been filed off— he's just a sad boy with no real poignant internal dilemmas anymore.

Idk, maybe I like the idea of a guy being able to heal over time. Maybe the idea that you are doomed to relive the mistakes of the past forever is exhausting. But what we have right now is so boring and lame that I'm out here advocating for them to just kill him off again.

#idk how to fix what we have now I think we just gotta throw the whole man away #it feels like he's just there to whine and be edgy and stand for nothing #I love jason 😭 I just want him to mean something can we let him not suck please and thanks ughh #anyways lets to back to me not caring about comics for a few months again #jason todd #batman #I wrote way too much here it is 3am if this is illegible oh well #this isn't just a jason problem too I'm the number 1 batfam hater I feel like it fucked them all up #I just unfortunately got diagnosed with jtodd brain rot when I was 10 and now I am forced to live like this

[beckiboos]

Me when I start act 3

“Well I guess I better design my next character”

And this is why I have never finished the game

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate iii #ok so my first playthrough I got it here big brain battle in the sky right #so I guess I nearly won #ahh the game down I’ll finish this tomorrow #patch 1 drops and breaks the save #not joking I must have had like… 15 minutes left of the game if that #and I wasn’t that thrilled tbh cuz I became a mindflayer and astarion dumped me #so I was pretty upset this was my good ending and was hoping there was a suicide ending tbh because what was the ping of my character living #they now have no soul and been dumped and became the one thing you tried not to become #yey the city wins but I just lose I guess #and karlach offered to become a mindflayer but only if she eats Orpheus brain #??? #girl why is that your stipulation #if you don’t sacrifice Orpheus she just like nah I only wanted to eat his brain #and don’t get me started on the emperor part just not making any fucking sense #so what I know of the ending I’m not thrilled with #might just let Gale blow up tbh

[8rujaa]

i swear i have the worst nightmares when i feel my best mentally. what the fuck is up with that

#let me be happy u stupid fucking brain #i had so many weird dreams last night #one was kinda cool although the plot was weird and stressful #my mom lived in this weird old house which funny enough i’ve dreamt about this specific house before and it always belongs to my mom #she had filled up her shower all the way and i went to use the bathroom and she had two giant PINK koi fish swimming in there #like what the fuck 🤣 #she said they had gotten so big she needed a new aquarium for them #and then it got scary and traumatic and the rest of the dream had nothing to do with the fish #but it made me want an aquarium so so bad like ughhh i wish i could have a huge aquarium with pretty fish #it just makes me sad for the fish idk if they live happy lives in a box i hope they do maybe they don’t notice?? lmao idk nothing abt fish #brain vomit

[betelgeusing]

marty hart's cyclical return to praising family as THE thing that keeps a man grounded, stable, and happy (specifically in pointing out that rust DOESN'T have a family) even as flashbacks show him spiraling into jealous macho violence as he lies to, mistreats, and destroys his family over the course of multiple affairs (by which he deliberately steps outside of and away from his family despite his wife's best efforts to get him to reconnect and step up to be the family man he sees himself as)

vs

rust cohle's repeated excoriations of the idea of individuality and personhood and the stupid self-centeredness and entitlement that comes with saying "I, a human being, matter to the universe, and the things I do matter", an ideology he carries for years and waxes poetic on for his interviewers as late as 2012, even as he obsessively works himself to the bone to get justice and resolution for the victims he's assigned and ultimately to protect children from the powerful and dangerous people who want to brutalize them

#true detective #so what if it all goes back to Melville and Milch. every great character spins against the way he drives #I know this is the point of their characters I know other people have said it before and better #but I go through it every time and this time Marty is hitting me extra hard. bc with Rust it's basically screaming in your face #Rust says humanity (without exception) is stupid selfish and vain and we're fools to convince ourself our actions matter #he then proceeds to take a job where everything he does matters SO MUCH. and to CARE about that job deeply and obsessively #but Marty... I've really noticed this time how Maggie calls him a coward multiple times in her efforts to pull him back to his family #and she's right because he's too much of a coward to face that gaining the sainted ''family'' hasn't fixed him! #it hasn't made him stop wanting to fuck other women #it hasn't made him the household hero the perfect father and husband the savior of the women in his life #he thought it would and when it doesn't live up to the fantasy he checks out completely #and even in 2012 when his marriage has fallen apart! he still lauds marriage and family as the thing that makes a man good! #despite all the evidence in front of him that he became WORSE after becoming a husband and father. he can't let the ideal go #he has good intentions at his core but he's obsessed with the idea of being a good ol boy and a family man #he shits on Rust for being isolated because he's scared to face the idea that he-- Marty-- would have done less damage on his own #sorry for the tag novel they make me want to bite. and knock their stupid empty heads together really hard #btw this show would be 75% less effective if they had not filmed on location. big brain move thank God for the TD S1 location scouts

[hajihiko]

you read homestuck?? u seem like the type to have Opinions on dirk and/or dave /lh

Dirk was done fucking dirty by the narrative post-epilogue and I'm never gonna stop being angry about it

#You have a guy who is destined to be an awful abusive person. And he thinks hes the worst he already hates himself so much #So he tries to hard to compensate for it that it looks back into being a jackass #But hes not actually evil. No one is. The fact that he wants to be good means he already beat his past/alternate self #Just trying to be your best means you're already not a bad person. And he tries. #He tries SO HARD that he let's himself disappear if he fails his friends and his soul lives in his boyfriends brain so hard hat it manifest #Hes a control freak hes so competent that he almost forgets to be human #But he learns. Especially by meeting the brother he abused in a sort of past life #And by dating his friend first badly and then getting better #AND THEN THE NARRATIVE SAID. OH NAH THAT JOURNEY OF LEARNING THAT YOURE NOT DESTINED TO BE EVIL #THAT NO ONE IS IRREVOCABLY EVIL AND THAT CHOOSING TO BE GOOD IS ALWAYS AN OPTION #YEAH NO WE THREW THAT AWAY ACTUALLY. HES EVIL AGAIN #WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CHOICE IS THAT. #I HATE IT VICIOUSLY and therefore the meat and candy shit never happened. Do you hear me. #It ended with the snapchat. #Not an art #Imagine if Fuyuhiko had his entire arc and then suddenly decided nah I dont give a shit about you guys and I will actually kill you- #-bc I'm a bad person and I always was. Nobody ca change

[s0fter-sin]

AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOT ITS TEETH IN ME BUT I’M ABOUT TO BITE BACK IN ANGER

#take me back to eden is so ghost coded it kills me #like im shit at lyric interpretation ill fully admit that but it Screams ghost #‘i spit blood when i wake up sink porcelain stained choking up brain matter and makeup’ #‘room feels like a meat freezer i dangle in it like cold cuts’ SCREAMING BITING BITING BITING #its the butcher hanging from a meat hook imagery for me lads i Cant #and my god the soapghost of it all #just ghost lashing out bc he cant understand soaps attention #rejecting his affection and his care bc hes never felt a kind touch without it becoming cruel #and i know we dont acknowledge mw3 but #‘i guess it goes to show does it not? that we've no idea what we've got until we lose it #and no amount of love will keep it around if we don't choose it’ #losing johnny being the only thing that snaps him out of it and makes him realise that hes in love with him #‘no amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence’ that realisation turning his love inward and fracturing into hate #he couldve been with johnny they couldve been happy together #so he cracks and destroys every enemy he comes across as he hunts down makarov #leaving price and gaz behind as he lets vengeance consume himself #‘i have travelled far beyond the path of reason take me back to eden take me back to eden’ #but bc fuck mw3 soap lives and ghost finds him and they live happily ever after #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #ghoap #soapghost #ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap cod #take me back to eden #we’re a team. ghost team

[bylertruther]

when will said it was "strange knowing who it was this whole time" and "he's hurt, he's hurting, but he's still alive" was he not talking about henry? am i insane? did i misinterpret that scene? why are we acting like will is connected to anyone other than henry bro what is Happening 😭

that was henry that shaped the mind flayer into that spider-like form and it was henry that used it to possess will and it was henry's thoughts that will was experiencing against his will and it's henry that he's still feeling because the connection/"vecna's curse" hasn't been broken. they physically extracted the mind flayer from will's body, yes, but his connection to henry was never broken. henry can't exercise complete and total control over people without the mind flayer's power, which is why will has free will over his body but his mind remains connected to henry.

the characters, and by extension the viewers, thought it was the mind flayer behind everything, because they didn't know what season four revealed to us.

henry wanted to control will's mind and body—a complete and entire violation of everything will is. that was Not the mind flayer, and they tell us that more than once. with all love and respect what are some of you on about because you're starting to make me feel like my memory is genuinely broken or something lmao like i thought.... the big reveal was that it's always been henry? they literally say that? eleven, henry, and will all confirm it? the mind flayer was not a separate entity acting alone... thus will has beef with henry most of all because henry's violation of his mind and body is still ongoing... Where Are You Guys Getting Your Information From 😭 hELP

will's rape—because that's what possession is, he never consented to having his mind and body controlled by anyone else—is an important part of stranger things; both to the general plot and will's character. to say that will only has beef with the mind flayer and not henry is reducing what henry did to him and reassigning blame that very much falls on henry's shoulders. henry was controlling the mind flayer and henry is the one still in will's mind. henry used the mind flayer to have control over will. henry and will are connected. the show literally tells us that over and over again. when you decide to needlessly reassign blame, not only are you misunderstanding and misconstruing the plot, but you're also... not understanding what happened to will at all. like, what really happened to him and how that's used in the show.

henry very likely was the one that kidnapped will. henry is the one that will has a psychic connection to. henry is the one that raped will / possessed him if you prefer that term instead and used the mind flayer to do it. henry is the one that will still knows like the back of his hand, because henry is the one that's still in his head. it's not the mind flayer. it's henry. please stop saying that will doesn't have more than enough reason to want to kill his ass. please!!!

#rape tw #rape mention #triggering myself on main like a fucking dumbass but the worms in my brain are holding on to this one n gnawing at it #am i insane am i genuinely having memory problems am i the weird one #eleven and will can both kill his ass but don't act like henry isn't the one that ruined his life i'm— #i feel very strongly abt this bc i just feel like you Can't reassign blame in rape cases u have to see it for what it is #they're literally fake but. please don't try to absolve bad people like that #they're characters not people i know but. please don't do that lol. henry is a bad guy for many reasons and eleven and will BOTH have #reasons to merc his ass. we can say that it's okay we're not taking anything away from eleven by acknowledging the plot and the #actions that the characters have made like i promise u no one is forgetting eleven who is literally the biggest character on the show #it doesn't matter but also it Does matter to me bc we don't always see rape victims on tv shows or movies that are treated like will #and it just makes me sad when like. stuff that happens in real life (abusers getting off scot free) happens in fiction. bc its like ok cool #not even in the fictional world can there be justice huh lmao cool cool cool very cool and awesome and great love it #actually no im gonna say it bro yes henry tried to kill eleven twice but like. he literally raped will. so yeah i think will deserves the #final blow bro idc. idc idc idc will has to live with that for the rest of his life he has to remember what it felt like and what all he #did under henry's control like. he deserves it. let him maul his ass let him fireball him to the pits of hell idc idc everyone else go home

[jonny-b-meowborn]

As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.

#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism #like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled #cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need #but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced #i wanna throw up just thinking about it #i cant do anything without my moms help #i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't #i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop. #i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone #i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me #i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything. #my brain refuses to let me work on anything #and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything. #im built to live like a parasite baby and die #my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself #i dont know what to do #bee buzz

[ipatrichor]

actually i think one of the things in outsiders that really fucked me up was one of owen's turns of phrase

when magic tricks him and goes into the maze alone, only surviving because he figures out what happened quick enough to follow & rescue her, he tells her that he's never going to stop coming after her (to make sure she's safe, to protect her)

and then after owen's gotten his memories back, he tells apo that he's never going to stop coming after him (to hunt him down, to kill him)

#i am never going to be normal about phrases being repeated with a different meaning #and i think this one especially fucks me up because it really hammers home the difference between owen at his core #(wanting to keep people safe. living to protect. loving his friends so so much hed do anything to keep them alive & happy) #and the person he became as a result of the trauma he experienced and the actions he took and life he led because if it #i think the real tragedy of this character lies in that we see who he couldve been!!! he was Good and he loved so much & tried so hard #but he lost his support system (mostly apo but also rasbi + graecie) and just. never quite learned to trust/rely on the others #because he believed what angel said- he can't show them weakness. theyre counting on him so he has to stay strong for them no matter what #i fully believe that if things had been different he could have overcome his past after remembering. if that support system had been built #i think he wouldve had a chance at least. #and thats the tragedy. he was so caught up in being their rock that they didnt know how to love him and he didnt know how to let them #after apo and angel he didnt let anyone in enough that they couldve changed his mind #so of course no one could save him. he would never have let them #anyway this smp fucked me up real bad. i think it did something to my brain pathways i think theyre realigned #pat.txt