#NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

galaxymagitech · 4 months

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Don’t know if anyone still cares about spoilers for this, but…

SPOILERS FOR TEEN TITANS (2003)

So I finished TT03 season 2. And cried. I was NOT expecting a teenager to die. When Terra defeated Robin, I thought “this can only end in a last-minute heroic sacrifice.” But it still took me by surprise that she was actually just gone. They make her a gravestone and she never comes back as Terra. It was shocking.

I tend to see most characters in the most sympathetic way possible, and that applies to Terra too. She did terrible things and she knows it. She made really bad, perhaps irredeemable, mistakes. But she also didn’t deserve the way her story went. Doing bad things and experiencing bad things don’t cancel each other out. Being hurt doesn’t justify hurting people, although you can certainly experience empathy for someone like that. But also—just because someone, especially a 15/16-year-old teenager, hurts people doesn’t mean it isn’t sad when they get hurt too.

Looking back on Terra’s story, I don’t know what the Teen Titans could have done differently. Fixing one mistake would’ve just delayed the inevitable. Slade was cunning enough to manipulate Terra and unlike Robin she didn’t have an established support system—Slade got to her before she could build one and undermined all her successive efforts. Terra says she’s looking for control, but I don’t think she’s right about herself. If she wanted control then she would’ve left Slade as soon as she got control over her powers. I think she was looking for safety and she considered herself a threat. She wanted to feel protected and secure, after so long on her own, and Slade offered her the opportunity to take the storm inside of her and channel it outwards. He offered her a place she didn’t have to fight him for, and Terra had never had that before. The Teen Titans couldn’t give her what she needed—and neither would Slade, but you can see why she thought he would. And Terra keeps repeating that she’s in control, that she wants this, as if trying to convince herself, and it was honestly horrifying to me.

I don’t want to take away Terra’s agency here. She was manipulated, but she still chose to betray the Titans. She isn’t a good person. But I don’t think she’s a bad person either. It’s not a dichotomy, it’s a sliding scale. She was just a person and she was trying but it wasn’t enough.

And Terra was a kid. She was a teenager who was lost and confused and scared and made the choices that seemed best to her in the moment. She changed her mind again and again. She gave up the best thing she ever had. In another world, she could’ve been happy. She could’ve even been “good,” maybe not in the profoundly heroic person at heart way, but in the “doing good things” way. If Terra hadn’t had out of control superpowers, if Slade hadn’t noticed her, Terra wouldn’t have turned “bad.” If she’d gotten a normal life, she wouldn’t have been “bad.” Terra was just as deserving of a good life as a normal person.

So I found myself with literal tears in my eyes over an animated TV show, because it just sucked so much that Terra’s story ended up like this and this was way darker and more horrifying than I expected.

Some of this goes for the comics character too. I think she’s genuinely a bad person in the comics, and a lot less sympathetic. But also—without getting into the specifics—her life really sucked. She did bad things and bad things happened to her. Deathstroke manipulated her, and although it was clear that she’d kill people/be evil on her own, the way her story went was really sad. And of course she’s still responsible for her own evil actions, but…any time you’ve got a teenager whose life is like that, whose mind is so messed up that killing people seems like a good idea, it doesn’t matter where the blame is assigned—it’s a tragedy.

I can’t help but have sympathy for Terra, in both forms. Because no matter how awful she was or how many cruel things she did, she was a kid and her story was sad.

(Me: Terra is a kid! 15 or 16 years old! A kid!!

Also Me: I’m…practically an adult.)

#teen titans #teen titans (2003)#cartoons #terra #tara markov #slade wilson #meta #fan analysis #dcu #dc

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xxrainshadowsxx · 6 months

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Interpersonal Chapter 20

Here we are at the finale. Enjoy.

Despite your resolve to actually work something out with him, it was much easier said than done. It had been ten years of not seeing each other. What the hell were you even supposed to say?

And it wasn’t like this had just been a casual fling like any of your other past relationships. You’d been ready to marry him. That wasn’t something you’d taken lightly. He’d completely ruined any chance of you ever forming a romantic connection with anyone else, because you knew no one had a prayer of igniting your heart the way he did.

You glance at him out of the corner of your eye and he seems just as reluctant to actually start the conversation as you are. It was terribly reminiscent of when you were still working for him and had developed a crush you knew you shouldn’t have but for the life of you couldn’t get rid of. You’d driven yourself mad trying to figure out where his head was at in those days.

“Oh, for the love of all that’s holy, one of us needs to start talking,” you finally blurt out, unable to stand the silence any longer. “We’re both adults for God’s sake, not idiot teenagers. Having a conversation should not be this fucking difficult.” Try as you might, you were more trying to convince yourself than him.

He just gives you a sardonic smile. “And yet here we are,” he points out.

“Here we are,” you repeat. “We really are hopeless, aren’t we? We haven’t learned a damn thing.”

“Should I get a guitar and stand outside? Would that help? Seemed to work last time.” He’s clearly joking, but his attempts at humor work. You laugh and some of the tension in the air seems to evaporate. It’s not gone entirely, but it’s not nearly as suffocating anymore.

“If you play Jesse McCartney again, I’m kicking you out,” you threaten, but there’s no heat behind your words. He chuckles at your comment before you both sober up, finally able to look in each other’s eyes.

“I thought you hated me for ten years,” he whispers.

“I thought the same thing,” you admit. “I saw how much I hurt you when I turned you down. And it killed me to do that to you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But I hurt you first,” he sighs. “You did nothing that my own actions didn’t deserve. You were absolutely right. I wasn’t honest with you. I can give you all the reasons in the world, but in the end, it comes down to the fact that I chose to do it, and you were right to leave me for it.”

Slowly, you reach up and touch his face. He immediately, and almost subconsciously, leans into your hand. “I never hated you,” you tell him, just because he needs to hear you say it. “I was angry, but I never hated you.”

“I’m genuinely surprised,” he says. “I would’ve hated me if I were you.”

“That’s because you haven’t forgiven yourself yet,” you murmur. “And I forgave you a long time ago. You’ve owned up to it and apologized for it, which is literally all anyone could ask for at this point. We just have to work on getting you to forgive yourself. Hopefully planting the tree will help. By the way,” you add before you can forget, “Why didn’t you replant when you were still making the thneeds?”

“We were,” he winces. “Trufulla trees grow tufts before they seed. I ended up taking the tufts from trees that weren’t fully grown and eventually they weren’t able to stand up to the machines that were cutting everything down. There just weren’t enough seeds to keep replanting. It was idiocy.”

“And why did you never plant that last seed?” That question has been burning your mind since Jack had brought it home.

“One, I didn’t trust myself not to screw things up again,” he frowns. “And second, how could I? I was the one who destroyed everything. I don’t deserve to be the one to start bringing the trees back. I always knew that wasn’t my role to play.”

“No. Instead your son is going to do it,” you remind him with a small smile. “He’s completely determined. He doesn’t want to wait until the weekend, but I want him to have the whole day in case someone tries to stop him.”

“That, I have no problem getting involved in. I won’t let anyone stop him,” he promises with a hint of a growl behind his words. He needed to not do that because that growl made you want to make bad decisions. You shake your head a little to clear your mind.

“Don’t worry, Aurora and I are in complete agreement with you there,” you hear yourself say. You suppose that’s one thing that will have to be part of your relationship discussion: how you want to move forward with co-parenting Jack. That’s an easier topic than feelings, so you latch onto it.

“What do you want to do about our co-parenting situation?” you ask. “I know you don’t have a place here or anything, unless you were thinking about moving back to your old house, but once you do have somewhere we’ll have to decide how we want to go about raising Jack from this point forward because obviously it’s going to be a different dynamic–”

He says your name loudly, cutting you off. “You’re deflecting,” he accuses. He’s right, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to admit it, so you just stay silent. He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to only see Jack on weekends or every other week or something like that. I’ve missed so much time already. I don’t want to miss another day. I don’t know what you want to do about us, but I do know what I want to do as far as Jack’s concerned.”

Your breath catches in your throat before you bury your face in your hands with a groan. “Don’t do this to me,” you whimper, all sense of dignity lost. “You can’t be doing this to me. You can’t just walk back into my life and expect me to have all the answers. I don’t. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

He takes your wrists in his hands and gently pries them apart so he can look in your eyes. “You know I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” he soothes. “But I’m also not going to give up my chance to be a dad. We need to work something out, because I can’t be at war inside everyday–”

“Oh, you’re at war?” you screech, standing up. “You think I’m not? Do you think I got any sleep last night because I was so nervous about seeing you again? Do you know how many nights I sobbed, alone, wishing you were there with me? I didn’t just break your heart the day I left, alright? I broke my own heart too, and I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered. I wanted to say yes. And now you’re back and that’s literally all I’ve wanted for ten years… God, and it’s agonizing. How am I supposed to sit here and pretend everything is fine and see you everyday when I’m still so desperately in love with you?”

There’s silence after you’re done screaming, no sound at all except for your heavy pants as you try and catch your breath. Onceler looks like he’s just been hit over the head with a sledgehammer; eyes wide, head tilted, mouth agape. “You’re… you’re…” he stammers, but never quite manages to force the words out completely.

You sit back down next to him, the hysteria fleeing your body. “You know I love you,” you whisper. “I never stopped. Not for a single second.”

He looks at you with nothing less than sheer wonder in his expression. “I never dreamed I’d ever hear you say that,” he murmurs as he finds his voice again. “And I’m still so in love with you too. Always have been, always will be.”

“That doesn’t make this any easier,” you say quickly before he can move his face towards yours. You don’t like saying it, but you know you have to. “What do you want me to do, just take you back like nothing ever happened? You shattered me. I might have forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean I’ve ever forgotten just how much you hurt me…” Your voice cuts off into a sob, and before you know it, just like your son and his father before you, now it’s your turn to cry uncontrollably. All of the pain of the last ten years, as well as the unbridled joy of seeing him again, all comes bubbling to the surface as the emotions you tried so hard to suppress now turn the full force of their wrath upon you, and you’re reduced to this.

He’s ready for you as you dive into his chest. You clutch at him, terrified he’ll disappear if you let go. Somehow, he seems to understand this; he threads his fingers through your hair and whispers reassurances into your ear. “It’s alright darling. I’m never leaving you again.”

He never complains, giving you all the time that you need to fully cry yourself out. It’s not until you have it back that you realize just how much you missed what a pillar of strength he was for you when you were at your most vulnerable.

Eventually, after the sky grows dark, you extricate yourself from his arms, wiping the last vestiges of your tears from your eyes. “Don’t you dare say sorry,” he quickly warns. You close your mouth; that was the exact word that had been about to fall from your lips. Sometimes it was almost unsettling how well he knew you.

“I don’t know where to go from here,” you say instead, voice hoarse after all your crying. “I agree with you that I don’t want you to miss any more time with Jack; too much time has been stolen from you two already. And I know that realistically, the easiest way to make that happen would be to live together. And that’s going to be a hell that I’m not sure how to navigate. I’ll do it for Jack, I can get through anything for Jack, but it’s going to be really hard. I won’t sugarcoat that.”

His expression is unreadable as his eyes shut. “So is the door closed on us getting back together then?” His tone is mostly neutral, sounding more resigned than anything else, but you can detect the pain beneath it. It stabs another icy knife right through the center of your chest, making it hard to breathe.

Before you can say anything, he offers you a smile that looks more like a grimace than anything else. “It’s okay,” he says. “I don’t want to stand in the way of you finding happiness with someone else. You can move on from me.”

You’re completely taken aback by his words. Whatever you had been expecting him to say, it wasn’t that. “I don’t want to move on with anyone else,” you state bluntly. “Look, I know I said Jack was the reason I haven’t dated, but that was only part of the reason. I know nothing will ever be able to measure up to what we had. I don’t want to settle for mediocrity when I’ve already had something that was nothing short of magical.”

Onceler quirks an eyebrow. “Okay, you’re giving me mixed signals here,” he accuses, causing you to wince. Once again, he’s far from wrong. “I don’t want to do the wrong thing here or fuck this up, so do I have a chance or not?”

“Look, I know I’m not making sense, and I’m sorry,” you sigh. “You’re suffering the whiplash of what my emotions are going through. One second I want nothing more than to try this again, and then the next I second guess myself because I’m so scared of getting hurt again. I barely survived that once. I don’t think I can handle it a second time.”

His brow furrows like he’s deep in thought for a moment. “Do you want my input on this or is this something you want to work through with as few distractions as possible?” he asks with a glint in his eyes that’s making you feel things.

“Yeah, please, tell me what you’re thinking. The fewer decisions I have to make, the better,” you murmur.

He reaches out for a moment, pauses, then finishes his journey to cup your face in his hand. The electricity of his touch is almost too much for you to bear. “I can’t promise I’ll be perfect,” he says, looking straight into your eyes. “But I can promise that I won’t leave. And I’m never going to hurt you in that same way. I learned my lesson. From now on, I won’t hide anything from you, no matter how ugly the truth is.” Your breathing is totally erratic now, but he presses on, not granting you a reprieve. “And in the spirit of full transparency, yes, I do want to be with you. I love you so much, darling. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll let me.”

For the umpteenth time that night, your breath catches as he manages to steal it away. “How the hell am I supposed to say no to that?” you say.

He grins cheekily at you. “I’m hoping you won’t,” he smiles, causing you to roll your eyes at him. God, he was such a dork sometimes.

But as much as you might have tried to deny it, he also held your heart in the palm of his hand, and he always would. Technically, you could live without him. But you absolutely didn’t want to anymore, and you were tired of fighting with yourself. You trusted him when he said he wouldn’t hurt you in the same way. And now that he’d repaired the trust he’d once broken, there was only one answer that you could ever give him.

“Yes,” you whisper, and before you can even process the enormity of that decision, his arms are around you, one hand on your back and one of the back of your head, and he’s pressing his lips to yours like a desperate man dying of thirst. The electricity that all of his previous touches had been building now explodes, and before you’re aware of it you’re kissing him back, hands grabbing at his hair, needing to drink in the fact that he’s here, he still loves you, and whatever transgressions might have been committed are now firmly in the past where they belong.

“I love you, I love you so much,” he whispers huskily into your ear before his lips return to yours, his tongue impatiently swiping along your lower lip. You open your mouth for him, and he slides his tongue along yours and pulls sounds from the back of your throat that you didn’t know you were still capable of making.

He gently pushes you down on your back as he hovers over you, his lips never leaving yours. Even after all this time, it’s only too easy to find your rhythm again; your body melds into his just as easily as before.

Maybe because it’s been ten years coming, maybe it’s just recency bias, but this might be your favorite kiss with him. Your hands can’t find a permanent place; they travel from weaving through his hair, to framing his face, to running up and down his back. Similarly, his own hands dance over you, rediscovering you.

It’s only when one of his hands slips under your shirt and starts to slide the material up do you reluctantly pull back and push his hand away. “Ah, sorry. Too far, I know,” he winces.

“Oh, no, it’s not that,” you assure. “I wanted to too, trust me. It’s just that Jack and Aurora will be back soon, and I don’t have any condoms on me, and I doubt you do either.”

“Since when have we used those?” he scoffs.

“That fact that we didn’t is what resulted in a very unplanned pregnancy in the first place,” you remind him with an eye roll. “I don’t regret having Jack, obviously, but I’m not even on any sort of birth control at all right now. Are you trying to knock me up again?”

You mean for your words to be a joke. As soon as they leave your mouth, you can tell that he’s not taking them that way. “I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” he says as he sits upright, tugging your arm so you follow him. “I don’t want to call it a do-over, and I don’t want Jack to feel like we’re only having another because I messed up the first time, but I wouldn’t mind having one or two more, and actually being there from the beginning this time around.”

“We’ll talk about it someday,” you murmur. “I’m not ruling it out, but I am saying not yet. This is going to be a lot of change for Jack. I don’t want to add a sibling on top of that.” You look at Onceler and offer him a shy smile. “We should probably take some time for ourselves too before adding another kid into the mix,” you say lowly, your tone laden with meaning.

He pulls you into his chest, resting his chin on the top of your head. “How is it after all these years you still manage to drive me absolutely fucking insane?” he teases before leaning down to kiss you again. You indulge him for a moment before pulling back.

“Can I make a request?” you ask. He raises an eyebrow, prompting you to continue. You wave your hand over the direction of his facial hair. “Not a fan of that. At least not a fan of how much there is. You’re not opposed to shaving, are you?”

He looks at you, blinks once, then starts to laugh. “I thought you were going to drive a much harder bargain,” he snickers. “Yeah, I can get rid of it if you hate it that much. I might miss it though, I've had it for years now,” he teases, and you know he's getting an absolute thrill out of vexing you. His demeanor is so much different than it was from this morning; he's like a totally changed man. All the life has returned to him.

“You can keep the stubble? Maybe? I'll see how it looks,” you attempt to compromise. “Look, I tried to stay neutral about it, but I couldn't. I'm sorry.”

“You wouldn't be you if you didn't have an opinion about everything,” he grins. “Who knows, maybe I'll get rid of it and I'll decide I like being clean-shaven better again. Although if you can make a request, I think it's only fair that I be able to ask you a question as well.” His face and tone have both gotten much more serious, though you can't fathom why.

“Sure,” you agree easily, and he digs into his pocket for a moment before he pulls out a simple black box, one that's strangely familiar to you. Wait. No, that can't be…

But he's flicking it open and yes, your guess was correct. There in the case sits the same ring that he'd offered to you ten years ago. “You kept that this whole time?” you ask. You have no idea why that's the first thing that comes into your head, but he's making you short-circuit again, and you haven't found your ground yet.

“It wasn't mine to get rid of,” he explains. “It's never been mine. It was always meant for you. So… how about it? You think you want to do a round two?”

The words stick in your throat, and you can see the fear just behind those blue eyes you love so much. But your lack of an answer isn't coming from indecision this time. You just can't believe this is actually happening.

“That's the best proposal you can do?” you hear yourself say. “No getting down on one knee? No popping the actual question? I have to say, I expected something bigger.”

“You never liked it when I went big,” he counters. “If you want me to get down on one knee and do this properly, I can. I just thought you'd prefer something more casual. But if you want–” he starts to get off the couch, but you quickly stop him.

“You don't have to do this if you don't want to,” you try and assure, mostly because you're not sure if you want him to do it “right” or not. It's very on brand for the two of you to do things your own way, and yet…

“I don't mind. Do you want me to?” he asks gently.

“Yes,” you decide before you can think yourself out of it.

He gets off the couch, and this time you don't stop him. He slowly sinks to one knee in front of you, and this is insane, it's surreal, it's too good to be true. But no, it's real, he's actually here, and this is happening. He holds the ring up to you again. “Will you marry me?” he asks, words you never thought you'd hear, but had dreamed about ever since you fell in love with him.

“You really want to spend the rest of your life with me?” you choke out, just to get one last little bit of confirmation.

“Yeah. I do,” he says, not one bit of hesitation in his voice. He gives you his signature cheeky grin. “I mean, how bad could it be?”

You can't help but giggle, and that triggers your tears again, but they're happy, so happy this time. “Yes,” you tell him, because he deserves to hear it. You extend your hand, and he slips the ring onto your finger before grabbing your face in his hands and kissing you again.

And with his lips on yours, you finally feel complete and whole again, the misery inside you being swept away by light and love. The moment is pure bliss, and you allow yourself to fully indulge in the perfect beginning of your forever.

I hope you liked it. Thank you so much for sticking with me through this journey. Every heart and comment made me so unbelievably happy, you have no idea. And I do want to say, even though this story isn't over, I'm not done writing about these guys just yet. I'm going to be posting a series of one-shots, moments that didn't quite make it into this story. They might be into the future, they might be from the ten year gap, or whatever else I happen to think of (my best beloved and I brainstormed A LOT for this story because I have a Too Much Gene). And if there's anything you want me to write for one of these one-shots, let me know and I'll make it happen. So look for those soon (but I'm taking at least a week off because it's been twenty straight weeks of writing a chapter per week... I need a break). Again, thank you so much for the support, and I hope the ending was worth it for sticking out through the angst of the past few chapters.

#fanfiction #onceler fanfiction #onceler x reader #the lorax #the onceler #also on ao3 #onceler

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skullfacedog · 3 months

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I accidentally stumbled upon a text document of my old journal thread from a therian forum from when I was a teen and now I'm going thru it bc I'm really curious of the signs I had headmates or repressed memories back then

-so far, I've described myself as "being able to switch personalities easily" and wondering if I was half demon or had a demon headmate all along that I didn't know about because I had multiple sides of me that felt very contradictory. I am hellhoundkin but I feel like a lot of the demonic feels I had as a teen have worn off a lot, especially since my mental health has gotten better.

it's crazy reading these old posts bc I'm like a totally different person now lmao. I rlly said "I have violent urges and it's hard to hold back from hurting ppl just to hear them scream" YOU COULDN'T EVEN HURT A FLY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUTTTT

-another thing that's kinda weird is that I was really obsessed with outer space at some point and mentioned that in my journal and mentioned questioning being stardragonkin but now it's like ?? I mean space is cool but it's nowhere near one of my main interests. I'm more of a fantasy person than a scifi person. naturey shit is wayyyy cooler than stars sorry.

-post about feeling sick for no reason like not having a cold or anything and being unable to eat but I thought it was species dysphoria??

-post complaining that I "don't feel like myself lately". depression or headmate??

-previously talked about feeling hellhound shifts that feel different from normal and kind of having a weird change in mindset. then in this post I mention I have a hellhound headmate named xarashi. that's them!!! that's the hellhound I "shifted" into!! also happy bc I fully forgot their name and it's been killing me that I didn't remember their name and just referred to them as "the hellhound headmate I had as a teenager". I wonder if they're still around but I feel like if I ask I would get an answer just bc I asked, does that make sense?? like I'm afraid my brain is making shit up but also, they were 100% a headmate at one point so it's not crazy to think they could still be there somewhere.

-also mentioned eshari who was a little demon girl headmate I had for a short time who was weirdly malicious. I distinctly remember like having a fight or something triggering me really badly with my internet friend and I just started feeling entirely emotionless and dissociatey and responded to my friend in ways I would not normally. and later I realized that was a headmate and tried talking to her. I genuinely thought she was an evil demon or something but I'm pretty sure she was a persecutor?? girl I'm so sorry I was so fucking dumb. anyway the lore goes that xarashi chased off eshari and kind of replaced her.

-not related to the general post idea here ig I'm just giving a live reaction at this point but I got to the point where I posted about meeting my ex abuser irl when we were dating and I said "I've never been that nervous in my life" "he kept hugging and petting me, it made me a bit uncomfortable bc I'm not used to him, but I liked it!" BITCH YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF BECAUSE HE LOVEBOMBED YOU AND YOU SO DESPERATELY WANT TO BE LOVED AND FEEL USEFUL YOU WILL CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU'RE OKAY WITH UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS!!! STOP!!!!!!

literally the next post I made was the announcement of our breakup LMAO

also I still wonder if he reminded me of my CSA abuser bc I was literally IMMEDIATELY wildly uncomfortable when I saw him for the first time irl and I've always kinda been uncomfortable around men with his body type, like kinda big and masculine and with facial hair. I could not date someone who looks like that and I swear it has nothing to do with attractiveness like I'm demiro I do not give a fuck if someone isn't the standard of attraction but I can't date someone too big and masculine bc they scare me?? I'm so thankful my partner is the same height as me and skinny and always shaves. I mean he's cute with facial hair at least, not like overly masculine.

-mentioned always having been closed off to my parents, not telling them that I wished I was a dog (in an otherkin way before I found the community online) or that I "didn't want to go to heaven". why was I such a weird ass kid lmao I remember I wanted to go to hell purely so that I could fight the devil myself and bc "heaven seems boring" ?? why did 7 year old me have like a self sacrifice complex or smth idk like I was OBSESSED with the idea of me going thru pain for other ppl even as a very young child. I have nooo clue if that could be SA related but it is certainly Odd

-mentioned being able to do a really good impression of karkat from homestuck (according to my friends) and wanting to cosplay him. I sorta wondered at the time if I had a karkat headmate bc I could like Become him really easily it was weird. and he has like the complete opposite personality of me.

-mentioned dissociation like. many times throughout the entire journal

that's all but I may do similar posts with some other stuff I can find online from my past bc I need to psychoanalyze myself and search for every little sign that something was Wrong that I didn't notice at the time. the internet being forever is a good thing for me rn because I threw out every single physical journal I had which makes me so sad bc I would've lovedddd to read my old cringey journals, not just to search for trauma signs but also for entertainment purposes </3

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genderkoolaid · 2 years

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I don't even know where to begin with talking about my experiences so I guess I'll start where I started when I realized how much baeddel type rhetoric I'd internalized from years prior.

Firstly before I do, people have GOT to understand that saying the word baeddel and talking about the cults existence isn't inherently transmisogynistic. It CAN be if that's all someone talks about, or if they imply all trans fems are baeddels or something, yeah that would be disgusting. But people treat me like that's what I'm saying when all I'm trying to do is talk about an Actually Abusive Friendship I had that lasted several years. Years during which I was trained to be a pushover. They are a hate group and a cult, many of their own ex members and ex allies admit this. Hate groups aren't any less hateful and harmful if they're full of marginalized people. Saying "these trans fems in this group of specific people are abusive, bigoted, and downright violent" isn't saying so about all of that demographic.

If we say "trans meds are often disproportionately trans mascs, and they are a hate group" people agree, but when we do the same for other abusive groups of trans people that have mostly Other genders it doesn't seem to matter.

I had spent a lot of time around a baeddel type I once admired and considered a friend in an old server. She'd manipulate and hurt people constantly, spread separatism, harass others, suibait, but anyone who said anything about it "must be a transmisogynist" so I shut up and dealt with her for far longer than I should have out of fear she'd destroy my social circle, which she inevitably did upon poking at trans masc members in the discord server for seemingly nothing on a regular basis. She wanted infighting. She had Almost every lesbian in my server close ranks around her, harass me, harass my friends, and they left when she did. She killed the server by dragging multiple people out with her using her recruitment and radicalization tactics, some of the people were still teenagers following this grown woman into hate speech and abusive behavior, because she was the oldest member of the entire server and people respected her. (Again, I get called lesbophobic or transmisogynistic for talking about any of this when it's literally just a thing that happened to me and people I know.)

It's so frustrating that one can advocate for lesbians, or for trans women and fems, or for women and fems in general-- above oneself for years and then when you finally start to ask for help, everyone tells you to shut up and keep serving others bc they won't let go of "all men/mascs have it easier no matter what" bullshit.

The worst part is I WANT to help other trans people, of course I do, but why should I continue to focus on others while excluding MYSELF? Nobody's helped me with my trans journey so why have I been splitting my time and hurting myself when I don't have my OWN shit together? Nobody's helping me recover from sexual abuse or assaults I've survived. Nobodys ever offered to help me get anywhere for transition care, nothing. I'm tired. I'm tired of being convinced my purpose is to be a talking head for other people while I suffer and my "allies" tell me to get over myself.

I just wish one could hold trans fems accountable for abuse without people Immediately claiming you're just "trying to make them all look bad".

I wish our own people would stop making every bit of this about us "attacking trans fems" even if they're only mentioned very carefully. No matter how many disclaimers we put they'll always twist it in bad faith. Baeddel self victimization was one of their strongest tactics it seems, guess that's to be expected of radfems.

I want to live in a community where all wrongs can be held accountable regardless of one's identity. I had hoped we all wanted that. Guess I was wrong.

I spent years distancing myself from my trans man identity, both bc my mother could "handle" non-binary more than she'd listen to me being a man, and because of my time stuck with baeddels and TIRFs on discord, Facebook, here on Tumblr, etc.

The way this discourse has unfolded online for so long made me start to think I couldn't be a man, that it would make me "less than my peers", that it would "make me angrier and more aggressive", that being a man would get me rejected from the spaces I rely on and cause everyone to be disgusted with me for my "privilege". That I'd "become ugly", all of that Bullshit the anti trans masc rhetoric sells.

I pushed it away and stopped calling myself a man, started calling myself increasingly vague gender terms, and then realized with a devastating emotional hit several months ago that I had been lied to, and pushed to lie to myself.

Some ppl clearly just want to shove us back into the closet bc they hate men SO BAD.

I am non-binary, but these "peers" are why I ignored the "man" part of my "genderqueer man" identity for years.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

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bitey-baby-shark · 11 months

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30 Days of Agere: Day Twenty- Five

25.) Why do you regress?

This is gonna be long and kinda depressing so tw for talk of sexual/physical/ emotion abuse, bullying, suicide attempts, mental health in general, psychosis talk, and self harm under read more. I would not recommend reading this while regressed, it’s heavy and honestly more for my own catharsis than to be consumed by others.

Because I never got to be a kid. When I was born, I was the only kid of the two parents who are still married to this day. I was the one they banked all their hopes and dreams on and because they were cops they banked everything that I’d be the next super soldier cop or something. All throughout growing up I was told from a VERY young age that the world was an evil cruel place that if I wasn’t careful I’d become a victim to it and it would be all my fault for not being smart and doing things victims don’t do. I was raised on the idea that all kids were liars and manipulative, and that I should be doing everything in my power to make my existence as small as possible to not bother my parents. I’ve been slapped, hit with hairbrushes, slapped so hard with a wooden spoon it broke, and emotionally destroyed constantly. They constantly told me I was perfect. I was their perfect kid. Nevermind that my half brother was encouraging grown men to talk to me online, nevermind my father groping me from when I was a literal baby up until I ran from their house, nevermind my mother putting me on starvation diets at 7. I was perfect to them.

And I grew up believing this was normal, that it was normal that at five years old I came home sobbing to my parents that I thought if I wasn’t perfect they wouldn’t love me. That any time I got in trouble at school (which was RARE) I would get violently ill in fear of what my parents would do to me. That I never seemed to have energy or feel happy or connect with my peers in any way. It seemed when I was young I was missing these socializing lessons everyone else was getting. Everyone around me wasn’t terrified of talking at all, wasn’t afraid to be rambunctious and loud, they weren’t worried about taking up space. Meanwhile I spent all of elementary school being fed this belief by my parents that if I wasn’t perfect, I was worthless to them, and I HAD to be perfect. Or else.

And then I turned 13. This was the turning point for me. When everything changed. My mental health had already been poor. I showed symptoms of early onset childhood psychosis by the time I was 7. I wasn’t socializing with my peers, in fact at this point I was being so viciously bullied by them that my peers were encouraging me to kill myself. I started self harming at this point because I believed that my existence was something to be punished for. I started carrying around bleach in a water bottle in case someone pushed be over the edge and convinced me to take my own life. I ended up having a massive mental breakdown at school and the few friends I had at the time were worried I was actually going to end up killing myself so they reported me to the dean, and I got called in and it all came out. How I was seeing things others couldn’t, that I was thinking big fantastical things that disconnected with reality, that I hated going home every day because my parents made me hate myself but also that I hated coming to school because people wouldn’t leave me alone and kept assaulting me in the hallways. My parents got called, CPS got called, and I was supposed to get sent to a psych ward. Instead, my parents pulled the “We’re cops, we’re good guys!” card and they got to take me home. That evening did not go over well with them.

A lot more happened in my teenage years. My symptoms got worse and more aggressive, and by the time I graduated highschool I was barely even a person. I was just whatever my parents wanted me to be and the psychiatrist I had at the time was more than willing to give me the meds my parents wanted me to be on that turned me into a sedated zombie. When I left for college that’s finally when I started piecing together that there was something wrong with my family. I started dissociating a lot more. I discovered what being a system was, went to my own psychiatrist and immediately got diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type 1, and being away from my parents finally gave me the clarity that other people weren’t like this. Other people didn’t have parents who screamed at them, called them a failure and worthless, didn’t hit them so hard they’d wet themselves even in my older years, didn’t have a father that would grope them on the daily. They had families that loved them.

I didn’t end up escaping until I was twenty, a few months after I had dropped out of college. The months leading up to me leaving their abuse only worsened. I often woke up to them screaming at me for half an hour about some chore I left undone, something I messed up, some task I forgot. When I dropped out of college it’s like they held back all their previous restraints because my supposed perfection had been completely tarnished by dropping out. They let all their rage and anger out on me every single day. Finally, I ended up booking it to my now ex-partner’s house.

The rest of the story isn’t important all that much. I ended up trusting the wrong people. Lost half my stuff, ended up homeless, ended up in and out of hospitals for months. Now, after 22 years of hell, I’m finally somewhere safe and stable. I’m planning to return back to my REAL home in Chicago once I get some financial stuff settled. Unfortunately due to my disabilities, both physical and mental I can’t work so I scrape by with donations and the occasional money I bring in with commissions. But... to answer the question now with context. I never got to be a kid. To this day, the people in my life see me as some unstoppable force. A titan who can take on the worst the world has to offer and will take it with a smile. Someone who can go through anything and come out the other side like it was nothing. But that’s not how trauma works. Yeah most of the time, I come off as this cold, calculated bad ass, who almost functions like a scary guard dog to the people close to me. I’ll do anything and everything to keep them safe.

But where does that leave me? I regress to heal that small child in me that got their developmental years stolen from them. I regress to try and move on from the pain I faced for so long. I regress because it’s the only time my body lets me relax and relive that child like wonder I had lost so long ago. I regress because I never got to be a child. I was raised to be a super soldier not a human. When I’m big, it’s apparent with my demeanor and how I behave that I was raised to be indestructible. But I’m human. And humans a re soft and squishy, I’m not a super soldier. I’m a scared kid trapped in an adults body begging for that childhood we never got. And that’s what I’m giving myself now. That’s what my entire life is dedicated to now. Doing the things for ourselves that we should have done long ago. Taking care of myself now, because no one did when I was younger. Giving myself the space to be a kid. Because it’s what younger me deserves.

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miopet · 1 year

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TW csa, inc3st, long post, please be careful -> i keep getting triggered by that wwy tell your 13 yr old self post becaudr literally every. night. i dream im a child or teenager again, with the chance to tell an adult my f*ther is an offending pedophile and have somebody anybody save me. i try to say it to teachers and friends parents and anyone who will listen.

i desperately want to go back in time and tell my precious younger self thati I am RIGHT, i DO need help. I NEEDED HELP and i'd tell her to run to teachers to neighbors doctors to literally anybody anyone ANYONE other than my family, and scream until somebody does something because adults DO exist that care about children and don't want to hurt them, i just needed to scream and kick until they found me.

but i was convinced i'd only ever find adults like my abusers and it's horrible because i really could have. but still i wish... because my dad, and every single other man like him and my other abusers, is a complete and utter fucking coward. but i was so scared and brainwashed and dissociated and if i had that much lucidity at that time in my life, i wouldn't be here now. i'd be dead or in prison.

for so long i didn't believe anyone wanted anything for me other than what i'd been through. i still struggle to believe that... but *i* don't want myself to have gone through that. if i could go back and rescue myself i would in an instant. i'd still do literally anything to change what happened to me, including killing my abusers... but i can't change it. and no one could have. but someone could have helped me get out of it and make things better for myself and if i could be that person for myself, i would be. i need a time machine. sincerely i'd beat my d*d to death and dump his body at the elephant's foot so nobody touches it and it rots and decays forever, spit in my mom's eyes, then whisk me & my brothers away and raise us all myself. i'd be my own fucking momdad.

anyways i cant put any of this in the tags of a reblog so here it all is as a post. thanks for reading if you did <3

#talk tag #📖#csa tw #incest tw #also id need a shart and glob warning as a footnote or something 🙄#long post

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theskyexists · 2 years

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First kill (ep3 and ep 4)

THE ONE THING ABOUT THIS SHOW THAT IS REALLY GOOD IS

the teeth. the fangs. they’re SO well done. look really really good. like theyre natural, actually fit their mouths.

i said to myself - i am not gonna liveblog this show anymore! just watch it and enjoy the parts i enjoy

BUT THEN THEY GIVE ME A CGI GARDEN OF EDEN INCLUDING SNAKE AND THE GIRLS COVERED IN FAKE LEAVES LDFKJSDLFJ:DSFKJ

they’re mentally linked now? what is going ONNN

so last episode ends with Cal being like - eh i would have stabbed u to death, an jules being like, you lying! he he he he

and cal being like ugh

and them covering for each other.

but now Cal’s like - I feel things for you! and you’re not like the monsters!!

how

who what where

ok so jules is definitely not jules- right. its just a dream about temptations and evil

last ep - the fam was ready to go kill some vamps, now Cal’s in bed

‘you’re telegraphing theo’ - how was that at all relevant to getting fancily kicked in the face by a hugely telegraphing apollo lol

i really don’t give a FUCK about this guild lore shit which is just endless crappy fight scenes.

literally the soundtrack drowns out the dialogue. WHO WAS THE EDITOR

dont give a fuck about Talia and Jack drama about whether they should be exposing their kids to this shit. the answer is no anyway. if it’s true that no hunter has survived a legacy in ages then yeah Jack is simply an idiot. it’s so weird that he’s hung up on getting a promotion lol

the Burns have the weirdest modernist home

what the fuck. talia just argued she didn’t want Cal to do this shit and then one sexytime later Jack’s got his way WHAT

where’s THIS coming from? ‘maybe we’re the monsters in their story’- Cal truly is whatever the plot needs her to be. not like eve and lilith scene had us thinking - oh no poor juliette she’s besieged by a monsterous cal. could have done that. didn’t do that.

this is the WORST tack this could have taken. maybe WE are the monsters - CAL THEY REQUIRE EACH YOUNG VAMPIRE TO KILL TO LIVE ITS RITUAL AND EVERYTHING

hate this. Calliope should have been a cloud-haired confident teenager - hilariously trying to stake Juliette at school without getting caught - fighting her and being excited by it. speaking in the only language they know (hunt) and were taught (lethal violence) until they transcend it!. this aint enemies to lovers like it should be!!

‘they dont feel, they don’t love’YES THEY DO. THATS NOT RELEVANT. the RELEVANT PART IS THAT THEY KILL TO LIVE AND YOU KILL TO PROTECT.

YET. they don’t kill to live. the most important question has already been answered. they CAN drink without killing. so why require this one First Kill? why does Elinor have IDs in her drawer when she can drink without killing - and DOES. why the one first kill.

Elinor gets Juliette a snack. WHY. a young innocent woman? why not go to a hospital and pitch it to Juliette like a way to stop someone from suffering? Elinor is played like a manipulator but she’s dumb.

Juliette is already convinced she’s not a killer. How is that interesting? it’s rock solid. she’s not a killer. She’ll get shunned. Homophobia.

She was supposed to have gotten a TASTE, and remember: never let them get away, and try to drain Cal at school any chance she gets. but then not follow through - so they just drift around each other, tensions ridiculously high, be the one running, remember she’s the one hunting, back and forth, back and forth, get caught in hilarious and crazy situations by people around them, have to think up lies together to get out. They learn they enjoy the same things. Everybody thinks they’ve started dating. Fake double date with Ben and Alex. They enjoy it. And they dont tell their families. Because then they might get....hurt. Juliette gets the chance to bite (calliope is knocked unconscious/is sleeping) - doesn’t. Calliope realises this.

Calliope catches Juliette in very serious blood-cry migraine-thirst episode one time and could easily stake her but - she’s just like...what is wrong with you.

Juliette says, i guess im just a bad monster. Calliope says, i guess im also a bad hunter.

They learn that they share over-achieving older siblings that they can never measure up to.

Calliope is like - do you need to kill to feed?

Juliette is like - i need to kill to live. (The pills work less and less.)

and then you get to the interesting part. Calliope is watching her waste away. Jules’ family is pressuring her to drain a human already! Ben is deeply CONCERNED - like you need to go to the doctor! Jules is like - I’ve found the one, and it can only be her. it’s Calliope. which is her way of not biting Ben, not hulking out in class, not killing somebody. She’s scared of herself, but she can’t stay home either where her family will pick up on how sick she is. By now, she knows when she goes bloodthirsty, Calliope can fight her. she knows if it’s Calliope, she’d rather live with her than kill her. But the first is not possible without the latter.

I think this is the moment Calliope’s family learns she’s found Legacies, because she’s looking for a way to save Jules, asking questions, reading Guild books.

Well done Calliope! Oh wonderful! Now’s your chance!

I think the thing Julliette and Calliope will find out is that vampires’ bites, if not fatal, are healed. How? How do they find out when Juliette goes into total deadly bloodthirst at the drop of a hat by now? (and that’s how vampires simply ARE, not just the first time, but everytime, once they bite, its hard to stop, and why would they and their instinct compells them to finish the hunt of anyone theyve bit (and this does explain Jules’ crush multiplying in intensity) - but Juliette did it once, can she do it again? can she feed without killing? this is the PRIME appeal of a vampire my dudes. the power of love overrules the overwhelming need to kill).

anyway maybe Cal is hurt and Juliette gets very close and drools over the open wound (but a sexy one, like....idk...like....on the arm?) (and maybe Cal is paralysed and can’t stop her) (but Jules restrains herself) (she says: I’m getting better at resisting you. she thinks, Cal’s associated with comfort now) (Calliopes trust goes up) and the wound’s fine a half hour later. that would be pretty funny. this inspires Calliope’s her serious hypothesis that she could feed and live without killing.

Maybe all along vampires had assumed that they needed to kill when actually it’s not true.it’s just really really really hard not to.

--------

‘if you don’t want to be a blade for the rest of your life’ WHO THE FUCK CARES LOL. what’s with this obsession with getting a better job or whatever

UNCLE tells Cal this way that she can NOT trust her friend/ex because she’ll tell teh nearest authority figure who will publicy shame Cal!!! OH MY GOD. what a safe space!

‘yes or no’. ?????? if a 17-year-old hunter has doubts, she may not express them or work through them in a healthy way ever. Guild Rule number 1.

THE VENOM CAN ALTER THE MIND. WHAT THE FUCK. so Cal’s questioning everything. and now she’s forever mind controlled oh my god.

this would be great to introduce the moment Cal had decided to risk everything for Juliette - then it would be delicious. She uses Guild resources, risks her family’s exposure, all to save Juliette. And then it turns out that that one bite could have influenced her feelings??? (special guild person tells her this, the hunt on legacies, sometimes legacies have been known to bite and be able to control themselves, the victims are different forever....do what the monsters want, betray the cause - everything Cal’s been doing). DRAMA BOMB. Juliette like - I....didn’t know that. I didn’t mean to! I never wanted....! HUGE BREAKUP MOMENT

Then Juliette is put in danger, Calliope saves her anyway, Juliette thanks her, says sorry. You can leave me. But Juliette is actually dying. She’s dying anyway. They kiss. Juliette is like - leave me. Seriously just leave me in the forest. I haven’t got the guts to kill you. I haven’t even got the strength anymore. Im just not cut out for this like my sister. I dont want to hurt Ben. I dont want to hurt anyone like Ben. I dont want to hurt you. And this way, you can show your family you’re a hunter, you can bring them here and one of us can do what they’re meant to do, be what they’re meant to be. Puts the stake in Calliope’s hand that she’d left at the scene of passion the first time.

And Calliope finds herself like, crying, in deep pain, trying to keep Juliette awake as she slips in and out of consciousness. And she realises, it doesnt MATTER whether it was Juliettes bite or not, she feels this now, she loves her NOW. and for good reason.

So Calliope uses that silver knife she didn’t manage to kill the ghoul with to slice open her arm and drips blood past Juliette’s still painted lips. and Juliette comes awake with monstrous strength, bites fast and it seems like the roles have reversed, Calliiope is dying.

And when Juliette wakes up she thinks she’s killed her.

But she hasn’t.

----

ANYWAY

girlie drops the deets that a bite can mindcontrol you and cal understandably is like: i would never go against my family! and her brothers are like yeah! and nobody follows up on that piece of information as like: hey lets try and pin this down, make sure Cal’s ok.

Uncle Ben dropped this shit on everybody without even warning Cals parents his buds!!!

oh i forgot. THEY’VE SOMEHOW FIGURED OUT THAT ALL THE LEGACIES WILL BE THERE?????? AND!!!!! no backup from the guild. just 6 hunters or so going in.

wow.

How is Elinor not super freaked out right now. She should have offered up a fucking terminally ill grandma to Juliette. what the fuck!

somehow their mansion looks grubby in this low light

how is she resistant to drinking a glass of blood. but yeah - where does it come from. blood bank?

‘maybe it’ll be a stranger. maybe it’ll be Ben.’ yeaaaaaaaaa!!!!

that dress is horrific

HOW is Oliver related to these two lol

they leave Cal behind without even saying possibly goodbye forever!!!!

COOK - who has never even met Cal is the one who instantly identifies Jules as Cal’s vamp girlfriend. fascinating. oh and he tries to psych her out. wHY? is Cook a piece of shit suddenly?

How what how does her mother suddenly know she hasnt made her first kill?? so now she gets it. should have had a little talk beforehand so this wouldn’t have escalated

it’s like mom hasn’t had a hug in years, or hugged her in years

are vampires immortal???

why the fuck would juliette not be present for the spectacle her grandmother’s putting on

WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK LOL. Elinor first seems like a good older sister, helps Juliette calm down, tells her she’s got a plan, even taking into account her bullshit. THEN SHE KIDNAPS CAL FOR WHAT??? LIKE JULIETTE IS GONNA KILL HER???? you think you can tempt her???

was the thirst really a symptom of Elinor’s speaking. the moment Elinor is not focusing on Jules she goes back to trying to wake Cal up like no problem. I thought the taste of blood would have slightly more effect.

ah they’re gonna kill some random legacy family then

So Oliver is the nice brother. They split Elinor up to simplify the character. Oliver is literally her twin....

Ok so i guesss Oliver isn’t the nice brother. This was comign right? like - there’s no way these hunters didn’t think they might all die to this ??? my heart is fuckin bleeding for this girl losing her parents.

NICE on Apollo rekilling Oliver. honestly just keep rekilling him a couple of times

OH DAMN. SHE WENT FOR IT. SHE WENT FUCKING CRAZY WHEN BEN WAS IN DANGER. I LOVE THAT SHIT.

AND BOTH BEN AND CALLIOPE SEE HER DO IT. SEE HER MAKE HER FIRST KILL. I AM ALLLLLL WRONG. ALLLLLLLLL WRONG. THIS IS REALLY GOOD!!!!!!!!! THIS IS GREAT!!!!!

THAT BLOOD ON HER LIPS!!!!! tiny Juliette, revealed!!!! to the humans she loves most

cal is a terrible hunter. she did NOTHING to protect that guy lol

ok im starting to get into mother and father’s romance. im lovin it. she loves this guy to pieces, enough to defy her family and all of vamp high society. and now....she might be losing him. AND SHE LETS HIM DRINK HER BLOOD TO STRENGTHEN HIM DUDE THAT IS THE MOST DELICIOUS SHIT!!!!

finally we are getting to some actual ACTUAL vampire prime vampire emotions

THEY HUG WHILE HE DRINKS HER BLOOD (GOOD STUFF APPARENTLY) SHE KISSES HIS HAIR AND KISSES HIM WITH HER BLOOD STILL IN HIS MOUTH

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

VAMPIRE CENTRAL

ok that says they ARE immortal. good thing hunters are around or those vampires would quickly overpopulate and overpredate

why the fuck did the Guild think it would be a good idea to kidnap Cal. it seemed like a one-man action but it seems like the Guild was behind it.

Juliette seems totally chill having done the thing she was never gonna do

Cal’s just standing there. oh well i guess she knew what was up.

CAL IS STANDING UP for juliette to Ben after SHE MURDERED A GUILD GUY. WHAT HAHAHHAAHAHAAHA

THIS IS STUPID

OK i’ve figured it out in my imaginary version of events. Juliette doesn’t kill Cal but recovers. They start sharing blood to keep Jules alive. This weakens Cal, she cant keep up with training, and Juliette is alive, but just as weak. Cal’s family notices. more importantly, Elinor notices. She figures it out, maybe she stumbles across a Juliette supporting a very drained Calliope, and shes like oh my god what the fuck. She tells them: this will last a couple of years only, itll delay things, but it wont fix things. Jules needs that KILL. She needs that FIRST KILL or she’ll never unlock being a full vampire and she’ll die slowly.

things escalate, Cal’s family realises that something is up, they put her under house arrest. the guild gets involved, evil guild guy uses Cal as a lure for Juliette, he doesnt care one bit about Cal and fam, ruthless competing guild families out there. Juliette saves Cal, Ben does indeed get involved, Ben is attacked and JULIETTE GOES MAD, JUST SUCKS THE DUDE DRY. MAKES THE KILL. as she did in the show. Ben and Cal are RIGHT! THERE! Jules looks exactly like the adorable monster she is. Everybody is freaking out, not just Ben. Ben because hes like WTF YOU WHAT, Cal because Juliette did that ‘on her watch’ and wow she really is A MONSTER she knew that but WOW SHE KILLED HIM, A HUMAN, and she didn’t stop it!!! and Jules because she’d just made the romantic pact with Cal that they’d take the years theyd have together until Juliette died from blood-weakness and then she’d tragically die and Cal would move on. She’d sworn she’d never drink from anyone but Cal. and now she did it - she killed somebody, drained him all the way, and oh god. and it felt so good. she’s wrecked but she’s not felt so good in what feels like YEARS. YEARS!!!! she can feel it burning in her, that blood, and this time, she knows, its strength will never leave her.

MOVING ON

Cal looks so good with her hair up and in black

this arranged marriage stuff for Elinor vs. Grandmother is the first time im interested in the vampire lore. i like it. like it very much

the fic should definitely have that (i say the fic like im gonna write it). like juliette has first killed, she has first killed and grandmother is coming, and yes, cals family tries to kill everyone, and yes, dad gets hurt, and Elinor offers the deal.

THATS A REAL SNAKE. I LOVE THAT

wtf Talia is having a heart to heart with Oliver. that’s so contrived just to get Oliver to say his bit. ok thats bettter. screwdriverrrr

they really wander off

wtf. Cal invites Jules to talk about how it felt to rip a man’s throat out.okkkk?

‘how do you feel, seeing me do that’ ‘weird’ what. this writing is so damn cowardly for this relationship

‘but like i know you better now. i know what you’ll do for the people you care about’

THAT’s your takeaway??? you see your vamp gf kill somebody by draining them DRY and you’re like yah that was necessary absolutely

Cal is like: i dont know if what i feel for you is real bc you bit me

Juliette BRILLIANTLY counters this with: I KNOW MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE REAL!!!!

the writers for this show were like - we need makeouts in this guys. just most of all the makeouts should be in there.

oh they are having SEX - like actual SEX. ok. alright. that escalated quickly. honestly i forgot that that was a thing they could do that should go into the fanfic too. not this scenario. because this was the most tepid start to first-time impromptu forest sex ever. they should be having sex after the traumatic experience of breaking their promises. there’s a whole scene in which Juliette is upset and tries to reach for Cal but Cal backs away and Ben backs away and Juliette looks at her hands and they’re covered in blood. and Cal scrambles for a weapon and then...

anyway then in the storm of realising it’s not enough to part them they have sex

THE APPLES...ARE DROPPING. WHY DID THEY DO THIS FUCKIN APPLETREE THING OH MY GOD

the dialogue between Juliette and Cal is the worst in this.sad they declawed the whole hostage situation

#my stuff #personal #vidi #first kill

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venusmlp · 1 year

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so my best friend wanted to fuck my ex boyfriend aka the love of my life, the only boy that i ever loved. It's okay, I'm not mad at her anymore, I've dealt with it. But the feelings are still here.

To start this, diary. I have to update you on something. There's a huge possibility I'm autistic. And all my friends and peers think the same. Even my mom. I'm getting a proper diagnosis soon. I'm not gonna go in extent on how they pick on me over it or whatever, this entry is not about that. With that in mind, i have my noise canceling headphones, as one does, and i use it all the time. The problem is that people like to take advantage of me with it, telling me to put it on so they can talk shit without me listing. Sometimes about me! WITH ME AT THE TABLE! I'm not stupid of course, so I always debated rather i wanted ro hear the conversation or not. If it's none of my business, then I blast the music and let them talk in peace. But if the conversation is about me??? I'm gonna fucking hear it, my headphones aren't that good at canceling noise without music on. I'm not stupid. The day it happened i hear my friends talking shit like "i have a problem, i always take interest in the boys she [me] likes" "be with him, she doesn't need to know" "no. this boy? she would kill me". I immediately thought they were talking about my ex boyfriend and was in chock. But I have a hard time processing audio sensory information so I gaslighted myself thinking It wasn't what I thought.... it was.

Ok, I started to notice that he wasn't talking with me with the frequency he once did. At first I didn't mind, he has he's own life and i don't expect him to talk 24/7. I don't want to talk 24/7. But it got to a point that he wasn't even responding my tweets. That wasn't weird untill I realized that he was commenting on all her posts and her in his. She was talking about him frequently. AND THEY NEVER USED TO BE FRIENDS. that was suspicious of course but again. I pretend it was nothing... It was

In school for some reason, I don't remember why, the topic of "is it ok to date your best friend's ex" came up and they both said it's not a problem for them, they are cool with it. I said I wasn't and that i don't think it's a cool thing to do. Which is completely okay to think. People think that you know. Suddenly I was trapped in a 1 hour long hypothetical debate about how I was selfish for thinking like that, creating scenarios where it looked like i was preventing a beautiful love story from happening. (Spoiler, i wasn't. They were just horny teenagers) I explained that i love him (which they both always knew), i explained that he was not only my boyfriend at the time of the rape but also literally MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND (he didn't know what his friend did to me at the time, don't blame him) i explained how, because of so many reasons, he was a person very special to me, someone that is engraved in me and i can't help it. That he was off limits. Someone that i love. But still IT WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONVINCE. they called me a hypocrite for demanding this when I didn't do what they asked of me (which was something I recognize i was wrong, and once I finally understood it, i apologized sincerely). Still i was called selfish and i wasn't understanding why. Why were they calling me a hypocrite comparing something that actually happened with a hypothetical scenario? And then they said it wasn't hypothetical. That she was flirting with him and wanted my blessings. And of course I panicked. My fears were right, my best friend really did that.. it hurt so much and i cried like a baby in the middle of the classroom. she reassured me that nothing had happened yet and that she wanted to tell me the truth bf anything.

I of course said no. I said I wasn't okay with it. i cried. I said I loved him. The whole story brought back bad feelings and i was feeling bad again. really bad.

Okay couple of days passed and i did the Enem, had a shit performance in it. But fine whatever. Didn't talk with almost nobody after it. I watched tiktoks, sent it to my friends and went to sleep. The morning the first think I get after I wake up is a call from my ex boyfriend and my best friend.. fine whatever. We chat a bit, complain about the entrance exam and our grades and i say I don't want to go to the beach (my friend wanted to go) bc i hate the beach (everyone that knows me knows that i hate hate hate the beach) chat a bit more and we all said goodbye. we had gone to the beach like two weeks ago btw. It attacks my sensory issues i HATE the beach, i literally feel sick in it. last time I almost drowned. The last time I went to the Beach with my parents was like 5 years ago. The only reason I go today, is bc my friend likes it and i want to please her and make her happy. But I can't go often, i makes me have meltdowns. So I said no. But okay, some hours later I receive a text about how incentive i am. I didn't understand why but ok again. we resolved the situation. She needed me bc she was sad over the exam and wanted to go out, but I had not realized that with the vague information she had given me on the call. So I said no bc i hate the beach. I apologized. She also highlighted the fact I didn't ask my other friend how her exam went. i had actually forgotten to ask bc i was too stressed out, spent the day helping my mom and then went to the doctor. I wanted to apologize too but my friend said she was pissed at me and she had blocked me. I was also pissed at her bc of the whole ex boyfriend thing (she was committed to prove i was wrong for feeling the way I felt and let my best friend fuck my ex) but I wanted to resolve it so everything could be okay. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore bc she doesn't recognize my apology from the day of the hypotheticals, and apparently me being mad at her for the way she dealt with the ex boyfriend situation was unacceptable.

Summarizing it. Once again autism has ruined my relationships. Thank you, it's been my whole life. My difficults in understanding what normal people take from granted has again and again made people around me loose their patience and get mad at me. It's always "it's not bc you're autistic" but the reasons they use to why they're mad are almost ALL autistic treats. And I'm saying that about not only the reasons they used today but also almost EVERYTIME they had criticized me bf. They say how difficult if is.. imagine for me that has to live with it? don't they think I wish I could be just normal? that i would be if I COULD BUT I CAN'T? i always miss on social cues and have to hear they saying how wrong i am. for breathing. I know I'm not right all the time, i know. But Jesus i'm not perfect, i have a disability. i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be like this. I care for them SO MUCH but omg idk if someone needs me if they don't tell me they need me. I just don't know. I need them to tell so I can help. But I can't guess it.

I'm broken, a failure, a disgrace and I'm gonna end up alone some bc of this shit

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slowly-writing · 3 years

Text

Short

Natasha Romanoff x Daughter!Reader

Avengers x Romanoff!Reader

Word count: 1.4K

Requested by anon: Little widow is super short and all the avengers find it adorable.

A/N: as someone who is 5’11” (180cm) I did the best I could with this one. I apologize if it’s not very accurate

“Woah! Let me grab that, y/n,” Steve says as he wraps one arm around your waist, the other hand grabbing the box of granola bars you were climbing for.

“I almost had it,” you whine as he sets you down.

“Yeah sure. Almost had a concussion is more like it,” Tony teases and you glare.

“I had everything under control. I was almost tall enough to reach it,” you cross your arms over your chest and your mom coughs to cover a laugh.

“You were balancing on a stool that was teetering on one leg on your…” she pauses to pick up the book, “biology textbook. Great, glad you’re getting some use out of that.”

“Yeah well, it won’t tell me why I haven’t hit my growth spurt yet, so at least it’s good for something,” you shrug, grabbing it from her hands and shoving it in your bag.

“Kid, don’t you think you’re a little old-“

“Don’t!” You cut Tony off. “I am not too old for a growth spurt. I don’t care how old I am. I refuse to be 5’1 for the rest of my life.”

“Alright,” he raises his hands in surrender and you roll your eyes.

“Whatever. I’m gonna be late for school.”

“Have a good day,” your mom calls.

“Try not to get mistaken for a freshman again,” Clint’s words are acknowledged by way of you flipping him off as you make your way out the door.

xxxxx

“Here,” Peter appears behind you, grabbing the textbook you were jumping for.

“Thanks,” you grumble and he grins.

“Are you sure you don’t want to switch lockers? It’s killing my back to crouch down to the lower ones anyway. Jumping doesn’t seem like the most effective use of your locker,” he offers for the tenth time and you shake your head.

“I’m fine! I can reach it all!”

“Yeah when I use my powers for you,” Wanda’s voice calls and you turn, glaring.

“Whole lot of help you were this morning. Steve’s convinced I almost broke my neck climbing for my breakfast,” you whine and she chuckles, placing a kiss on the top of your head.

“My deepest apologies. I’ll just skip my morning training with Agent Hill. I’m sure that would go over just fine,” she teases and you roll your eyes, leaning into her nonetheless.

“You just gotta get on her good side. I get to do my training after school instead of before,” you smirk and she rolls her eyes.

“That’s because she’s known you since you were three and therefore treats you like family. Not an agent,” Wanda retorts and you just shrug.

“Ya know, it’s the 21st century,” Peter’s still stuck on the previous topic and you shake your head. “I don’t think scavenging for food is supposed to be a life threatening process anymore. Cause like, evolution and all that,”

“Well y/n’s evolution didn’t get the message,” Wanda responds and you smack both their shoulders.

“You guys suck,” you whine and Wanda laughs.

“We’re only teasing, love. You’re adorable. We have to tease you to compete for some attention. You’re too cute to look away from.” You eye Wanda for a few moments.

“I can’t tell if that was supposed to be patronizing or not, but it’s too early to analyze all that, so I’m gonna go with thank you as my response,” you tell her, standing up on your toes and pulling her down by the collar of her shirt to kiss her cheek.

“You can’t even reach your girlfriend's face to kiss her,” Peter chokes out through a laugh.

“At least I have a girlfriend,” you try to jab back but he brushes right over it.

“Say, have you ever been on a roller coaster before? Or do you not measure up yet?” He says and you lunge for him. He quickly places a hand on your forehead, holding you back where your arms can’t reach him. You can feel your cheeks heat up as Wanda tries her best to hide her laugh behind you. You hit his elbow, making his arm buckle, and pull it over your shoulder. You use his weight against him as he stumbles forward and throw him over your shoulder.

“Holy shit,” Wanda breaths out.

“How the hell did you do that?” Peter asks as he catches his breath and you shrug.

“Did you forget who my mom is? I learned how to do that when I was 8. We were literally talking about my training like 30 seconds ago,” you call over your shoulder as you take Wanda’s hand and pull her to class.

xxxxxx

What’s up losers?” Mj asks as she joins your group.

“We’re thinking about heading to the tower to study for the geometry test next week, wanna come?” Peter asks, unphased by MJ’s snarkiness. Loser is pretty much a term of endearment in her book.

“Plus it’s movie night if you guys wanna crash it. Fair warning though, it’s Steve’s turn to pick so it’ll probably be old as hell,” you add in and Ned nods.

“Sounds awesome! I’ll watch an old movie if it means hanging with the avengers!” His enthusiasm brings a smile to your face, though it’s quickly knocked off as MJ uses your head as an armrest.

“I’m in,” she says and you glare up at her, elbowing her in the ribs.

“Too bad, you’re not invited anymore,” you say angrily and she laughs.

“Anyone else feel like they’re being yelled at by a middle schooler when she’s mad?” She teases again and Wanda quickly wraps her arms around your shoulders, pulling your back into her chest.

“But she doesn’t fight like a middle schooler, Peter learned that the hard way this morning. So let’s lay off before someone ends up with a black eye, alright?” Wanda says calmly and you sink into her embrace. You grab one of her hands from where they’re laced together by your chest and start playing with the rings on her fingers.

“I don’t look like a kid,” you mumble and you feel Wanda place a kiss on the top of your head.

“Of course you don’t” she reasures you.

“Yeah, totally. The whining totally helps your case Romanoff,” Peter adds and you glare as you all make your way out of the school.

xxxxx

“Race to the movie room?” Peter suggests and Ned frowns.

“But y/n’s like, short as hell, no offense,” he says and you laugh at his innocent look, “how is that fair.”

“Don’t worry Ned. I’ll manage,” you say before Peter takes off everyone else following suit. THey weave around the furniture and you smirk, placing your hand on the back of the sofa and throwing yourself over it. One foot lands on the coffee table and you use it to push off of, grabbing the pull up bar in the doorway that Steve insisted needed to be in the common room (you still think it’s cause he likes to show off) and doing an elegant flip, laning in front of the door to the movie room with a bow.

“Seriously, how the hell do you do that kind of stuff?” MJ asks, slightly out of breath, but still smiling since she beat Peter.

“What part of ‘raised by an assassin’ isn’t clicking for you guys?” you ask and a voice behind them draws their attention.

“Hey, I stopped being an assassin long before I started raising you,” your mom argues and you just shrug.

“Doesn’t make you any less paranoid or scary. You’re the one who insisted I needed to know how to defend myself, so I’m simply reaping the benefits,” you say with a grin, leaning into Wanda who is rolling her eyes at your antics.

“I seem to remember you begging me to train you so you could go on missions,” your mom counters with a raised eyebrow. Before you can respond Tony’s voice comes from the room you just vacated.

“Why the hell is there a footprint on my table?” He yells and you all freeze.

“Maybe if we’re quiet he won’t know we’re here?” Ned whispers, but even he sounds unsure of the plan.

“I can see the pile of backpacks by the elevator. When I find out whose foot was on my table they’re grounded. I don’t care if you’re not my children,” Tony yells again.

“Race you to...anywhere but here!” you whisper-yell before taking off, the four teenagers hot on your trail as your mom rolls her eyes behind you.

tag list: @rvgrsbrns @rororo06 @prizmix-and-friends @worlds-in-words @im-salt-but-not-salty @5aftermidnightdaily-blog @riotmaximoff @xxxtwilightaxelxxx

#natasha romanoff x kid!reader #natasha romanoff x daughter!reader #natasha romanoff x teen!reader #black widow x daughter!reader #black widow x teen!reader #Black widow x kid!reader #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x romanoff!reader #avengers x reader #marvel x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #black widow imagine #wanda maximoff imagine #avengers imagine #marvel imagine #short

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cipheress-to-k-pop · 3 years

Text

Wally West with an Earth Bending S/O

emmacata said: Could you write some hcs for dating Wally West (YJ) as "earthbender-like powered meta" please?

Anonymous said: Hello. I hope you are doing well. I don’t know if you are accepting requests right now (I’m also slow so please do tell me if my dumb self missed it in your bio or something). I wanted to request something for Wally (dude I miss him. Writers bring him back!!). Do you have a favorite from YJ? Enjoy your day/night!

You met the Young Justice team at Mount Justice

You had sensed something wrong with the Mountain using your powers

So, one day you used your Earth Bending to create a path into their HQ

When you came inside

It was shocking

And you wanted to go inside and check the place out

But your gut told you to run and pretend this never happened

You immediately pulled your hood up and hid your face in case security cams were on

And you ran out

Just as you made it out of the passage way

You were about to close it but someone super sped right past you

You saw his face and you knew he saw yours

And even though you immediately tried to forget what he looked like

His face was flashing before your eyelids

Right when he was about to grab you, you shifted the ground to sink his feet into the sand

And taking off as fast as you could

When you got home you immediately hid underneath your covers

Trying to calm your racing heart

You didn’t know who that boy was

All you knew was that he had super powers and was a speedster

And that you were at a place you weren’t supposed to

You wondered whether he was a super hero

But there was also a chance he was a villain

In which case, he saw your face, he knows you saw their HQ and could possibly track you back to your house and kill you

Which is honestly kind of scary

So, you just try and lay low for the next few days

Not going to school and pretending to be sick

And so far, it seems like nothing is going to happen

So, you feel kind of relieved

Until one day you go out for pizza with your family

And lo and behold there is the exact same boy you saw at Mount Justice

Red hair and green eyes

Along with a few others

In the back of your head, you’re like just remain unnoticed

But just as you’re about to turn your head

He makes eye contact with you

And your heart drops

You look away anyway and pretend that you didn’t see him

But oh ho ho

He definitely saw you

And you’re like sinking in your seat tryna pretend you’re not here

And something in you expects him to just pick you up out of your seat while threatening you with a gun

But he just comes up to your table

“Hey, babe!”

Totally unexpected

Downright lunacy if you have ever seen it

“(Y/N) who is this?”

“Babe, I’m kinda offended you haven’t told your parents about your boyfriend.”

“(Y/N) (L/N), you have a boyfriend?”

And you’re just in shock

Like wtf is happening?

And you’re going to open your mouth and say he’s just a crazy

But before you can he speaks again

“Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. (L/N), I’m (Y/N)’s boyfriend.”

And you finally just get your voice back

“No, he isn’t! I’ve never met him in my entire life!”

“Well that obviously isn’t true, babe.”

And you’re just like sweating

Your parents are honestly concerned like “Everything okay?”

And this red-headed kid over there is just having a shit eating grin

You’ve just about had enough

So, you wipe the grin off his face and grab his ear

Pulling him out of the pizza place

Because you’re sure he can only super speed so your powers can put him in his place

Unless he’s gotten reinforcements

But something about him tells you that he hasn’t really thought this through

“What the hell was that?!”

His face turns dark and then out steps a few other teenagers

You assume must be on his side

Feeling a little threatened, you raise your hands to fight

“Who are you?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?”

“Well since you already snuck into our base, I would assume that you already know.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint but I really don’t.”

“We don’t particularly believe you.”

You scoffed

“Well, if you’re gonna kill me anyway, what difference does it make?”

And that kinda shocks him for a second

“Woah, kill you? We’re not gonna kill you, we’re the good guys.”

“Eh?”

And now all of you are confused

Fast forward to them explaining everything

You tell them that you didn’t mean to trespass

And about your powers

So, everything is good and well you think they’re gonna let you go

Just as you’re about to leave, Robin stops you

“We can’t just let her go; she knows the location of our HQ.”

“Look, birdboy, I have a curfew. My parents probably think I’m making out with said “boyfriend” in an alley somewhere.”

Wally blushes but still makes a flirtatious comment about doing what your parents say

“And I would like to save myself the experience of getting ‘the talk’ on the car ride back home. So, I bid you adieu.”

And walk away like a boss

You manage to convince your parents that you’re not dating him

You don’t know why you ever thought that you could get away with it

Because the next day in school

Guess who’s sitting in the desk beside yours

Yep, Wally Fucking West

“You’ve resorted to stalking me now?”

“I’m trying to make sure you don’t kiss and tell, babe.”

Ever met a headache in person?

That was exactly how you’d describe Wally

But he’s kind of lovable?

Which is honestly more irritating

But between Wally’s flirting and infuriating behaviour

You start to see a genuine and kind side to him

The way he always gives you a hand when you’re getting on the bus when it stops far away from the pavement

The way he always opens the doors for you

The way he stays back in school so he can walk you home

Sure, he could’ve been doing it to keep an eye on you

But you believed that he didn’t

You told yourself that one day if Wally sincerely asked you out

Then you would say yes

And you kinda just waited like a fool for him to genuinely ask instead of just implying it while flirting

But finally, you realized that you would do the job

Cuz clearly wally is also a coward

So, you technically ask him out first

Even though he tells everybody that he made the first move

Still flirts with you

Even though you’re dating

You’re not an official member of the group

But you still help out when you can

Worrying when Wally is on a mission

Bear hugs when he gets back because you were worried as hell

His holding you tight and telling you that he isn’t going anywhere

Robin third wheeling and suddenly feeling single af

Wally likes randomly grabbing you in his hands and running to wherever

Giving him leg massages cuz he’s sore

Him repaying the favour

He’s extremely warm

So, when you cuddle, you turn the AC way up and then just melt in his arms

Damn I’m getting sleepy writing this

He always steals your food

Showing up to your parents’ house with you and introducing himself to your parents

Again

Your parents just being like

“We knew it.”

Sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night after a mission because he just wants to hold you

Sneaking out of your bedroom in the morning because your parents would literally kill you

Inviting you over to Mount Justice sometimes

The others don’t like it but oh well you can bend through earth so shut up

You like to walk barefoot most of the times

So, Wally always brings you to the beach

Him eventually retiring from being Kid Flash so you could live peaceful lives together

NOT dying on the mission in Antarctica

Actually, living a long and happy life with him

Forever Taglist: @simonsbluee

DC Taglist: @emmacata

#Wally West #wally west imagine #wally west headcanon #wally west x reader #Kid Flash #kid flash headcanon #kid flash x reader #kid flash x you #Young Justice #young justice oneshot #young justice headcanons #young justice imagine #young justice x reader #Headcanon #dc x reader #dc x y/n #earth bending

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thestarrynightslover · 3 years

Text

So Many Times Before

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Word count: 3,190

Warnings: Discussion, yelling, some angst.

Summary: (y/n) and Jay used to be best friends who had always, secretly, wanted more. Now, after years of not seeing each other, what happened to all those feelings?

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the One Chicago shows, or its characters, also not associated with it in any way or know anyone involved with it.

A/N: So, this is my first actual fanfic and I’m quite unsure about it (especially since English isn’t my first language), but I really wanted/needed to give some use to my obsession with Jay Halstead, lol. Anyways, I hope it doesn’t suck too bad and, please, feel free to give me feedback, cause I’m also here to learn!!

(y/n) = (your name) (y/l/n) = (your last name) (y/n/n) = (your nickname)

| masterlist |

"So, honey, you are never gonna believe who I saw the other day at the district..." You remember your dad saying, in a conversation that made your heart skip a few beats, weeks ago.

"Oh yeah? Who?" You asked with a soft smile on your lips, not paying much attention at the moment.

"Jay Halstead." He said simply as if just waiting for you to freak out. God, your dad really knew how to make you drop your cool-girl act.

"Oh, that's nice... Wait. What??? Did you say Jay? What was he even doing there? Is he okay? Did he get into some sort of trouble? How can we help?" And there it was, you were totally losing it and your dad just stood there with that smug smirk of his, that says: I knew this was coming.

"Relax, (y/n/n), he’s okay. He was just there to get some files from a case my unit was handing over to them." That would've been a completely acceptable statement if Jay Halstead wasn't still in the army for all you knew.

"Sorry, handing a case over to them?"

"Yeah, sweetheart, apparently that scrawny kid — who's not so scrawny anymore — is, now, a detective working with CPD's Intelligence Unit."

"What? But when did he leave the army?" By then you were drifting off the conversation with your dad and he knew it, so he did you the favor of leaving you alone with your thoughts and memories.

Now, with the very same (well, not the same, he really wasn't scrawny anymore) Jay Halstead standing right in front of you, that moment with your dad inevitably came back to mind.

"Wow, (y/n) (y/l/n)!" He said with a huge bright smile that made you wanna go back to your high school days, yep the smile was that awesome.

"Jay Halstead. Wows are definitely in order." You said between giggles. "Oh my Gosh, it's been forever! How are you doing?"

"I'm- I'm- I'm good, thank you. How are you?" He looked absolutely shocked as he scanned you upside-down.

"I'm good too. You look great, by the way."

"Thanks," he smiled again. Wasn't he ever gonna stop doing that? "you look, hum, you look great too!" He said that, while looking at you in a way that was, for sure, making your cheeks heat up. "So hum-" Your phone just had to start ringing at that moment, didn't it?

"I'm so sorry, but I gotta take this. Work." You said, waving your phone in front of his face.

"Oh, okay, no problems, go ahead!" Jesus, he was acting like a teenager. After all these years how was it even possible that you still had so much effect on him? He started thinking, as he watched you take a few steps away and confidently boss someone around over the phone, was that really you? His high school best friend? Because who could tell? You were generally so quiet and shy with everyone. You would never lead any groups, almost choked on your words every time you had a presentation... Remembering that made Jay think of a moment in particular, when he first knew he loved you as more than just a friend.

You were 16 and he was 17, a year ahead of you in school too, as he was already a senior. But you guys never really minded that. How could you, anyway? Jay was your best friend in the world (okay, your only real friend after Will left for college).

The two of you were walking back home from school, as you always did, him dropping you off at your doorstep – even if that meant he had to go back a few blocks every day, all he cared about was making sure you got home safe.

That day was different, though. He stopped you at your house's fence and said he needed to tell you something important. God, your heart literally stopped, as you thought you knew exactly what he was gonna say. "Oh, jay-"

"No, please, (y/n/n). Just let me tell you, otherwise, I'll lose my courage." He stopped for a second, breathing hard and watching your expression attentively. "I, I, um, I need to tell you that… That I, um… That I enlisted the army." He said like he was ripping off a band-aid.

"What???" You were shocked, to say the least, "You did what, Jay?" You asked again, whilst trying to calm your nerves.

"Look, don't be mad at me, just let me explain, please." He pleaded with you. "I just need to get away from here and you know it, (y/n), you know why" You did know why, just, God, the army, seriously?

"Jay, you don't need to do that." You tried reasoning with him.

"Of course I need to, (y/n/n)!" He said and you could see him beginning to get upset. Or was it desperation? "I can't stand him any longer! I just can’t.” Geez, you didn’t want him to go. You definitely didn’t want him to go, but you could see the sadness in his eyes when he said that. Still, you tried a little more:

“But what about your mom? Your brother? What about me?” You felt yourself blush after that last part, but continued: “Jay you’re really important to me… my best friend, my… my… my only friend! I can’t lose you.”

“And you think that that doesn’t kill me? Will and my mom will be just fine, they’ll miss me, sure, but they’ll be fine. You on the other hand? I don’t wanna leave you! Especially knowing that you’ll have to go through the rest of high school alone…” He looked genuinely apologetic and concerned “That’s why I told you before anyone else.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand.” You stated simply.

“Tell me you don’t want me to go, and I won’t.”

“What? You’d… You’d really do that for me?”

“Of course, (y/n/n)! You mean the world to me and you’ve gotten me through so much already…” He sounded sincere, but you also knew what led him to make such a drastic move and you couldn’t just let him throw away what was probably his best shot at getting out of Chicago for you. You wouldn’t.

“Jay… I could never ask you something like that. You’re right. I know why you’re making this choice.” You said and tried to smile a little so that he’d stop worrying about you. Your life was better and easier, in many ways, because of him, so you couldn’t or wouldn’t make his any harder than it already was.

“Are you, are you sure? Because I came here ready to argue with you about this. To try hard to make you understand my decision, but now that I’m actually here, talking to you about it…” He looked so confused and you only wish you could pull him close to you and say that everything was gonna be okay as long as you two were together. Just like he did with you on the hard days, but you couldn’t. He deserved better from you.

“I’m sure! Look, I know what I said before, but… But I promise you I’ll survive this without you! It’s gonna be harder and a lot more boring… But I’ll be okay, you don’t need to worry.” At that moment you looked down to your feet, unsure if you really had it in you to let him go like that. But of course you did because you loved him. So you went on, “You said this is how you get outta Chicago, so you should do it. You’re my best friend and I love you. And I really just want you to do what’s best for you. What’ll make you happy.” You said with a small smile, even though the tears were already in your eyes.

And that was when he knew he loved you, for the first time, as more than just a friend. The way you supported him – like no one else had ever done –, even though it pained you… That really stuck with him. In Jay Halstead’s opinion, time and distance and other people all sucked. Because they had pushed you away from him. Well, he was to blame for that too, but now you were standing right there. At his District. That’s gotta count for something.

As you came back, he noticed you looked upset. “Everything okay?”

“What? Ah, yeah, sure. Just work stuff. Anyways it is a huge surprise to see you, Jay.” That made his heart drop, you were surprised to see him?

“Oh, yeah? I thought the reason you were here was that your dad told you this is where I work. I mean, because we ran into each other the other day…” Now it made sense. Of course your dad would wanna play matchmaker between you Jay! Even more, now that he was a cop.

“Oh, God, he did mention something about you the other day. But you’re telling me that he isn’t here?” At that, Jay just looked at you like you were crazy.

“Today? I haven’t seen him… He works at the 26, no?”

“Yeah, I know he does. It’s just... He told me to meet him here for lunch today. Something about a joint op. Anyways now I know why he said that.”

“What? He lied to you, then?” Jay asked, laughing his ass off at your cost. Unbelievable, you being played by your cupid father and Jay Halstead laughing at you. He stopped when he realized just how angry you were getting. But the stupid smile was still there.

“Forget it, this was a waste of time.”

“No! Wait, why don’t I take you to lunch instead?” He shot you such a charming smile that you could have said yes to marrying him at that moment. “C’mon, at least you don’t end up with an empty stomach.”

“I gue-” You almost said yes, but, thank God, your brain went back to working properly and you remembered how you promised to never let yourself fall for Jay’s “ways” another time. “Actually, I already spent most of my free hour here chatting with you, so now the only way I won’t be late is if I just grab something on the way back to the office.” You saw him opening his mouth and said: “And I can do that by myself.” You added so that he wouldn’t have a chance at convincing you.

How can Jay Halstead make you feel like this after all this time? It's absolutely ridiculous because the man hurt you the way he did, he left you behind (for a good reason, but still), and you just spent the rest of the day torturing yourself for being too rude with him?

You have no self-love. That has to be it, because, now that you left work, you're calling your dad just to embarrass yourself and make him feel like the achieved cupid. Oh, right. And to beg him for Jay's address. This was the wrong move in so many ways, but you just had to go there.

Or at least that’s what you’re telling yourself as you reach his building entrance. There it was: 3B - J. Halstead. You pressed the button hoping he would be home. He was; he answered. Okay, why did you do this again?

“Hello?” You hear him calling out.

“He- hey! Hum, hi it’s (y/n)...” He doesn’t even let you finish your rambling.

“(y/n/n)! I mean, hum, (y/n). Hey, let me buzz you up!” With that, the door opens and you get inside, you’re so unsure about this that the next thing you know you’re standing at his door about to knock, but being met with a grinny Jay instead. “Hey, I was pretty surprised when I heard your voice…” He states while running a hand through his perfect hair. “I honestly thought that I had somehow managed to order food and forget about it!” Gosh, he really wasn’t gonna stop smiling like that, was he? “Hey, you okay? What happened?”

“Hum, no, no, no! Everything is fine, really! Thank you for asking though, it’s very sweet of yours.” After hearing that, his concerned expression started softening until he started smiling again, damn Jay! “Actually, I’m here precisely because, hum, after I left the District, I ended up doing some thinking and got to the conclusion that I was a bit rude with you… Maybe even more than just a bit and I’m sorry. It’s no excuse, but I guess I just got upset because of how my dad played me and took it out on you! Anyway, it wasn’t right and I’m sorry.” Instead of just saying it was okay, or agreeing with you, he just gave you a funny look and silence. “So, huh, what do you think about that? Say something, please?” Still nothing, unbelievable. “Seriously? You’re giving me the silent treatment? What are we, ten?” Hearing that, he bursted into laughter, leaving you very confused, to say the least. Once he caught his breath, he finally started talking:

“Jesus, (y/n)! Of course, I’m not giving you a silent treatment!” He said while shaking his head and still laughing. “You say you were rude, but I was trying to remember exactly when, during our less than five minutes talk, that happened. I kinda asked you out and you declined, I’m not gonna think you’re a bad person because of that! Especially after all of our history…” That kinda surprised you, but, then again, Jay was never the kind of guy to get upset over some mild rudeness.

“Ah…” Was all you managed to say before he spoke again:

“But, since you’re already here, let me pry on your guilt a little and ask you to come inside for a beer, maybe?” You nodded your head giggling and followed him inside. “So, um, your dad mentioned you were moving back here…” He half asked, handing you a bottle.

“Thanks. Ah, yeah, the company I work for decided it was time for a transfer.” You answered with a shrug of shoulders.

“Oh I see, you’re an engineer, right?” The conversation was beginning to get awkward, and both of you could feel it.

“Yeah,” you said while calculating how fast you could make it to the door after standing up from the couch, “chemical engineer, listen, it’s getting late, and I have an early morning tomorrow, so-”

“Wait, please don’t leave just yet.” He breathed out, softly grabbing you by the arm. “Ever since our fight that day I’ve been hoping for a chance to make things right between us, (y/n/n)...” At that, you just close your eyes and rub your fingers against your temples. “I never meant to hurt you, I swear!” Really? That was what he was going with?

“You never meant to hurt me? I crossed the Atlantic just to be by your side, leaving a lot of important stuff behind, and you didn’t wait a single moment to trade me for the first cover girl you could find, but you didn’t mean to hurt me?” You always thought you’d start crying if you had to confront him like that, but instead, you were just angry.

“(y/n/n), I’m so sorry! It’s just that I couldn’t be with you at that moment... I-”

“You couldn’t be with me? Right, because I wasn’t half of what they were… It’s not like you’re telling me anything new, really.” You tried to make it sound like nothing but, damn, that hurt deep.

“What? No, of course, not! You got it all wrong, baby!” Baby. He used the pet name you two sometimes used with each other to mock all those popular couples in school… “I couldn’t be with you because I was so messed up! I’m not proud to say it, but none of those girls ever meant anything to me! They were just a distraction from everything that was happening, from everything that had happened… You, on the other hand… (y/n/n), you were there at my mom’s funeral when I wasn’t! Don’t think I forgot about it!” His eyes softened a little. “You were my best friend in the world!”

“Oh my God! You still don’t get it? I didn’t want to be just your best friend, Jay! I spent most of my high school days just wondering when you were gonna trade me, your mere friend, for one of those pretty girls, who would happily be more than that to you… But you never did… Until that time! I was expecting to find you messed up! Because I knew that I wasn’t gonna give up until you got better! But, that?” Now there was just no stopping the tears that were rolling down your cheeks. He was on the verge of crying as well, so the two of you just stayed there in silence until he decided to speak again:

“I’m a complete idiot. That’s all I can say for myself. I’m so sorry I never realized it, (y/n)!” He seemed sincerely sorry, but you weren’t sure you could forgive him just yet. “You know,” he started, while laughing bitterly, “I made a real fool of myself with you, cause I used to dream about having a shot with you, romantically, I mean.” After hearing that, your jaw literally dropped, while Jay just kept laughing lightly. “Will even used to bug me about it, he’d say that you were just as fallen for me as I was for you,” he said, chuckling, and shaking his head, “and I never believed him, I’d actually beg him to stop saying those things whenever you were around because I thought it could make you uncomfortable…” You didn’t even know how to respond to that.

“Jay, I…” You began, but he interrupted you:

“You, um, you don’t need to say anything, if you don’t want to. Now I see that I hurt you a lot more than I thought I did, and I am so sorry! I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t, so if you ever feel like you can give me another chance, even if just at our friendship, I’ll be so thankful! The happiest man! But if not, well, I’ll just stay out of your life,” you could see how hurt he was, “because I don’t ever wanna make you cry again.” He said that but it looked like he was the one about to break into tears, so you did the one thing you could think about doing; you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him. Just like you had thought about doing so many times before. It took him a while to correspond since he was sort of stunned, but when he did… Oh boy, it was everything that books always told you about, there were butterflies and fireworks, and you knew that your transfer back home couldn’t have come at a better time.

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saby-chan · 3 years

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Why the ATLA comics fail when it comes to Zuko and his family

To whom ever took their time to actually stop and read this post, thank you in advance for not skipping my post and willing to stay and read my humble opinion! I hope I won’t disappoint you!

As a relatively newcomer to the ATLA fanbase since 2020, I’ve come across a lot of interesting debates, comments and rants about the show, characters and fandom in general, but nothing has captivated me as much as the dumpster-on-fire that are the ATLA comics, more specifically: The Promise and The Search.

On one hand we have the hardcore fans who want them to be animated or serialized into the Netflix live action, praising the comics for the new views and subject matters they’ve brought into the show’s lore, while on the other hand we have the furious Azula fandom who is really angry for the fact that best girl didn’t get the redemption arc she rightfully deserved so much after the painful event that was the Last Agni Kai and the even more angry fans of the Urzai ship (yeah, the people who actually ship Zuko’s parents unironically) who hated the retconning of the show’s cannon since the comics basically took a huge fat dump on what was previously established as official cannon, when the Search entered the scene, but between these two sides, who has the more valid point? In the end, are the comics good cannon or bad written fanfiction?

Well... Here are my two cents on this matter since I myself happen to be an Azula and Zuko fan and had huge expectations from these comics (since I wanted more from my fave hot-headed fiery siblings duo) but ended up disappointed: the comics are indeed a huge mess and actually bad written fanfiction when it comes to Zuko and his family! Don’t click off yet, because I actually documented the reasons why exactly the comics fail in this area:

1. The author of these comics is not part of the BryKe duo

Yes, I would like to start with the fact that if you actually take a second to look up who in the heck took the time to write these two books, you won’t find Bryan, nor Mike, but a fellow man named Gene Yang. This is important because while the wiki of both The Promise and The Search state BryKe as the creators, that doesn’t mean that they were the actual minds behind these comics, but rather because ATLA is their “baby” and these comics involve their characters, over which they have copyright. Mr. Yang here is the actual brain behind the plot, as the main writer, which explains why we find huuuuge inconsistencies between the show lore and the comics, especially Zuko wise.

My main issue with Mr. Yang isn’t that he isn’t BryKe specifically, but because he did an unforgivable mistake in his writing process: He projected himself into Zuko’s character, based on the relationship Zuko had with his father. This is a documented fact from an interview in which he explains that he sees himself and his dad’s relationship into Zuko and Ozai and used that when writing their interactions and built Zuko’s character in the comics. And this is wrong because when you have an already very developed and complex character such as Zuko, you can’t just come in and be like “Oh, I was an angsty teen just like him in my teenage years, fighting with my dad and whatnot, so he must have the same thought process as me!”. NO! This is bad fanfiction writer behavior! Zuko has his own personality and philosophy, which he developed over the course of 3 seasons and is not defined by only 1 unfortunate aspect of his past, so you can’t just base his whole mindset and actions off of your own personal experience just because you had the same daddy issues he had!

2. The whole “Promise that you will kill me if I turn out like my dad!” nonsense in The Promise

Reason number 2 why these comics fail and go under the category of “bad fanfiction” is because they fail to convey the core essence of the source material. The whole point of Zuko’s redemption was that he realized the wrongdoings of his ancestors and his own mistakes. He outgrew his desire of gaining his father’s acknowledgement in favor of choosing his own destiny. Having him worry that he’ll turn into his father is utter nonsense and feels like poor angsty drama material for the sake of angst. At this point in time, Zuko has overcame that obstacle in his life a long time ago and should be at the level where he himself is the “Uncle Iroh” for other people and in no way someone concerned of becoming their own worst enemy!

Not only that, but the whole point of Aang’s journey and the story of the show as a whole was to teach us, the viewers, the importance of forgiveness, empathy and love in life. Aang didn’t spare Ozai, aka “the ultimate evil” just to flex in front of his pals or because he is a “ 12 y/o vegan pacifist monk kid”, but because he knew that killing someone, no matter of what they did or wanted to do, wouldn’t restore balance into the Universe, on the contrary, him killing the villain would have meant perpetuating the “endless cycle of hate” that plagued the world. So having Aang promise to kill his best friend in case “they turned into an evil maniac like their dad” contradicts Aang’s whole character and it’s a nonsense that throws into the trash what we’ve learnt throughout the entire TV series.

3. Azula deserved (and was supposed) to have a redemption ark

This might still be pure speculation, but I count it as a documented reason because I’ve heard quite a few people saying that there should’ve been a book 4 in the show, aka “Book 4: Air”, and no, it wasn’t The Search, but actually Zuko and Azula’s journey as Zuko helps his younger sister heal her broken mind by being her very own “Uncle Iroh”. Sure, they prolly were going to end up looking for Ursa, but the journey should’ve ended with them actually being happy and a family again and not the bs we got in The Search where a still very unstable Azula runs away and becomes the “Next Joker”! The only problem is that M. Night had to pop up and curse the world with his movie, which forced BryKe to delay the project (and eventually abandoned it in favor of Korra).

All in all, either if BryKe had this preplanned or not, it made sense for Azula to get a redemption ark, she deserved it because she was just a broken 14 y/o child! If Katara’s mom’s murderer deserved to be forgiven, so did this poor child who had no fault for what happened to her since she had a dysfunctional family! What Gene Yang did in his poorly written fanfiction was to just antagonize a broken child, turning her into a monster for the sake of friggin angst!

4. The Search is the worst of the two, being flat af character wise

And finally, getting to the point that I personally find the most annoying about these comics: The Search. This one... This one is a mess on a hella lot many levels, and just to list a few: characters are flat as fudge, being either black as vanta black (like Ozai and Azula) or pure white like Gene’s Gary Stue OC, Mr Ikem (or how I like to call him, IKEA man) and his ‘victim’ rendition of Ursa, Azula gets to suffer more for no reason (see reason number 3 to why I find this as a no no), Ursa’s whole character sucks ass (man, I could write a whole thesis on why Yang’s version of her is terrible and doesn’t match the strong woman we got in the show) and Zuko does morally wrong stuff (my man literally used his unstable sister to bribe their dad into spitting info about Ursa... Show Zuko would never do that!;-;)

Oh boy, as a person who’s seen a ton of anime and other media and read many books, I can’t begin on how much I despise this type of writing: flat characters are the worst!

ATLA characters in the show are nothing close to being flat! What I mean by that is that none of them fall perfectly into pure white (aka goodest of good characters with no imperfections) or vanta black (aka lowest and darkest twisted monsters out there), each of them are various shades of grey (like Aang who is a very light grey because despite being a very kind and nice character, he still isn’t a “perfect hero” since he ran away from his duties, practiced tax fraud with Toph, had insecurities and even threatened to kill people on ocassions like with the sand benders who took Appa) and this is a good choice because that prevents them from becoming what’s globally known as Mary Sues and Gary Stues (aka those either “perfect” characters with no flaws and/or unlimited power, or the twisted monsters full of flaws).

And the other reason why many other people hate The Search: it literally negates previously established cannon. And here comes my short essay on why this comic fails Zuko’s family (since we’ve already talked enough about Zuko himself).

In cannon and even interviews with BryKe, it was clearly stated that Zuko’s family was “once happy”. Where is this “once happy” family in The Search? All I see is pain, deception, lies and betrayal, nothing close to anything that resembles happiness. Okay, some of you might come in and say that “It’s because it was never the case! It was only lies and Zuko trying to convince himself that he didn’t live in hell forever!” and here is WHERE YOU WERE ALL WRONG! And why? Because, my dear fella, where were depicted the flashbacks of Zuko’s “happy family” in The Beach? Ember Island. And what do we know and had been even quoted in the show? "Like waves washing away the footprints on the sand, Ember Island gives everyone a clean slate. Ember Island reveals the true you." (direct quote from the show). Exactly, no matter who you are or how hard you try, you can’t hide your true self when you are on the Ember Island, best example being Azula, who’s impenetrable though shell cracked and revealed the true vulnerable child that was underneath. If Azula couldn’t resist the “spell of the island”, no one can. So this means that Zuko’s family was indeed happy once and yes, Ozai wasn’t always the douchebag we got to know in Season 3 (I have a whole nother essay on my theories regarding what could be his real past story and why he’s actually the “Zuko” of his generation, based on stuff I gathered from old wiki entries and character analyses I made, but that’s for another time, lemme know if ya’ll are interested).

And what I guess is the biggest proof why The Search did this family’s past trash is comics Ursa herself. My dude, if this woman were indeed the victim of years of endless abuse and never loved her husband, I guarantee you that she would’ve been closer to what we saw in Todoroki’s mom from BNHA and Zuko would’ve gotten that scar or even worse long before the Agni Kai, not from his “daddy dearest”, but from “mommy dearest” herself, because no sane woman would be soo affectionate and attached to a child that’s the perfect copy of their abuser, sepecially appearance wise (again see Todoroki’s mom’s case from BNHA because the stories are really similar) and in no way would’ve she been willing to sacrifice her life for said child’s sake. With this ocassion, I remind ya’ll folks that according to the ancient ATLA cannon wikis on Nick’s site, Ozai was designed with Zuko’s appearance in mind, being meant to be like a “grown up scarless version” of Zuko. So yeah, remember this with a grain of salt that whenever you simp over grown up Zuko, you involuntary simp for Ozai too.

So yeah, I guess this kinda concludes my “not so short” rant about why the comics fail and are bad fanfiction. Lemme hear your thoughts in the comments and if you agree, feel free to leave a like and even reblog.

Bye bye and remember that Momo is the true strongest character of the show!

Saby out.

#atla #avatar the last airbender #atla comics #zuko #azula #ozai #ursa #fire siblings #the promise #the search #atla rant

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theliterateape · 3 years

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We Killed Jason Todd

By Matt Markman

In 1988 my friends and I killed a kid.

He was just a boy really. We had help it wasn’t just me and my pals. there were adults involved, lots of them. I mean we were young we were just thirteen and really couldn’t comprehend the ramification of our actions, the adults knew what they were doing. I’m painting it to sound way more sinister than it was, and in today’s society, wouldn’t trend on Twitter but maybe in the ’80s, it was probably considered quite ominous.

To set your mind at ease, it was Jason Todd. You know, Batman's sidekick, The Boy Wonder, Robin—well, the second Robin anyways. And I helped kill him.

I was big into comic books but my favorite was, The Dark Knight, The Caped Crusader, The Batman… He donned the best costume, he had all the money and was the most intelligent of all the superheroes. That last trait right there, the fact that he was considered a superhero and he had no actual super powers made him cooler than the other side of the pillow. You know how The Big Bang Theory has convinced the world it’s an Emmy-winning sitcom worth watching? I think it’s the fact that Batman was someone any one of us could actually be. Sure we needed to start with a base coat of genius followed by a splash of handsome billionaire playboy then train overseas in martial arts for several years, but if you had those things you, too, could be a vigilante. You ask me today and I'd stand by the fact that Batman would beat Superman in a fight, say ten out of ten times. This is not debatable because super beings from another planet are not real.

My favorite thing about Batman, though, is his ability to balance out good and evil. He spawned one of the greatest comic book villains and fictional characters ever created, The Joker. They have tried and tried again but in my opinion never got close to the Clown Prince of Crime—maybe Negan from The Walking Dead, he's pretty ruthless. The Joker is what would happen if a stand-up comedian became a criminal mastermind, so basically the plot of the 2019 film Joker.

My love for Joker made sense because growing up I was always more into the bad guys than the good guys. Watching and playing with G.I.Joe, I was always on the side of Cobra Commander, the twins Tomax and Xamot, and Zartan because they were always more glamorous and eye-catching than the boring ass Joes. Just once, I’d like that “knowing is half the battle” part at the end of the cartoon to have been Storm Shadow giving us kids a tip on how to fuck up Shipwreck and his stupid Parrot. Megatron, Skeletor, Shredder, Mumm-ra…

The list goes on, but the antagonists always resonated with me. they had a much better and more intriguing agenda than the good guys did. I know that wasn't the purpose, we were supposed to cheer on the good guys, like the idea of saving the world and all, but the mayhem… It’s like Alfred Pennyworth said, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” It’s odd because the bad guys in my life were real, the bullies and I didn't like them at all. They tormented me daily unprovoked because I was short and had big ears. Perhaps my love for the dark side stemmed for my desire to be on that side because in real life there was no Superman swooping in to rescue me from the clutches of Lex Luthor.

There were two sides, and good had a lack of champions looking out for the weaker, smaller good guys. The bad guys in my neighborhood, well, they were real and never really foiled and more importantly, they always got the girl in the end. Fuck the good guys!

My admiration for evildoers achieving their agenda was tested in 1988, Batman was running a four-part series called A Death in the Family. It was your typical Batman arc. Somehow, The Joker was going to get the upper hand on The World’s Greatest Detective only to be bested in the end by Batman. But this time, the third comic decided to do something nobody had never seen in the industry. The writers were going to give the fans the opportunity to decide where they were going to go with the story, only it was an option between two different roads, one quite unconventional. Apparently a few years earlier, one of the writers, Dennis O'Neil, had seen a sketch they did on SNL where Eddie Murphy held up a Lobster—Larry the Lobster—and was asking viewers to decide whether Larry was boiled and eaten or was to be set free. The choices were offered in the form of two phone numbers both costing fifty cents a call. One number was a vote for him to be freed and the other number was a vote for Larry to be murdered, smothered in butter, and devoured by Axel Foley. Ultimately, after nearly 500,000 calls, the people voted for Larry the lovable lobster to be pardoned with a 12,000 call margin. The popularity of this bit intrigued O'Neil and A few years later he decided to implement it in his Death in The Family storyline.

In the third book, The Joker had taken Batman's sidekick, the Boy Wonder, hostage. He’d beaten him bloody with a crowbar leaving a cliffhanger to be wrapped up in the fourth book. The last page of the comic was full page and at the top read in true ’80s Do the Right Thing fashion: “Robin will die because The Joker wants revenge, but you can prevent it with a telephone call!” They even phrased it to steer you down the hero’s path, like you can literally be Batman with one phone call. Underneath the imploring verbiage were two numbers, dial one number; The Joker fails and Robin lives, Batman would once somehow saves the day. However, call this other number and The Joker succeeds and Robin dies. Gruesomely.

Wow! They were going to let the fans decide the fate of Robin, really this was one of my earliest introductions to a reality voting competition type show. In my opinion, it was a bad idea. Robin was always the worst. Go back and read through an adventure or two involving Jason Todd and tell me he wasn't always whiney and bellyaching. He was never going to be iconic or cool like Bruce Wayne or even his predecessor Dick Grayson—the first Robin. See, Dick got pissed off, decided he was tired of being in Batman's shadow, ditched the Robin costume, threw on a black blue and gold costume, moved to another city and became Nightwing. Dick was a go getter, ambitious. Grayson’s Robin was a winner, Todd's Robin was an irritating little bitch; he was not an innocent lobster.

I went to my mother and asked if I could make a call that was going to cost just fifty cents and I would pay her back or she could just take it out of my allowance. She wanted to know what it was for and mostly wanted to confirm it wasn't for an adult sex line, which costs more than fifty cents a minute, but that’s a different story. It was nothing as tawdry as phontercourse, I just wanted to help murder an annoying teenage sidekick. My mother response was “Oh, yeah, that’s fine.”

I think after it was exposed that it wasn't phone sex anything else I said went in one ear and out the other, surely she didn't think I was actually voting for a plucky comic book sidepiece to be murdered by The Joker. So that’s what I did. I cast my vote along with a majority of DC comic book fans that shared my detest for the boy wonder. Ten thousand votes were recorded with a narrow margin going to Robin dying. I think the writers never suspected that fans would go that route.

O’Neal himself voted for Robin’s stay of execution. A man of his word, Batman issue #429 was released and Robin was killed by The Joker in an explosion and we were to blame for it. Sad to say but you give a bunch of comic book nerds the power I think it would go bad every time. That day we were all proud to be The Joker's henchmen. I felt like a soldier at the end of Star Wars cheering madly while The Joker received his metal shouting, “I helped that happen!”

So many shows these days embrace our fascination with the anti-hero with the success of The Sopranos, The Shield, Breaking Bad, hell Narcos had me rooting for Pablo Escobar—Pablo fucking Escobar. I wouldn't say I was a bad person growing up. Quite the contrary, I was a shy nerd with no power to do anything but pick my books up after they were smacked to the ground. What I’m saying is don't give me the power to make important life or death decisions with your franchise because myself and the other dorks will have the bodies of Orko, Snarf, and Jimmy Olson lying in a shallow grave, just tell me what number to dial… or text.

Matt started performing standup comedy in 2004 in Las Vegas and is now a regular at every major comedy club on the Las Vegas strip. He released his first comedy album in 2016 titled Uncut available on iTunes. More about Matt and his upcoming appearances can be found on MattMarkman.com.

#Matt Markman #Matt Markman Comedian #Matt Markman Comedian Las Vegas #Las Vegas Comedians #G.I. Joe #Skeletor #Joker #Batman #Joker kills Robin #Jason Todd

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katnissmellarkkk · 3 years

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Andddd here’s my chappy three thoughts 🥳🥳🥳

Hmmm Katniss saying that her mother has a dress made of velvet is actually really interesting because it shows that Mrs. Everdeen Lily-Rose really was well-er off before she married Katniss’ father Hunter.

Or did she get the velvet dress from Maysilee? Oh well, who knows.

Aww, Katniss’ nervous habit of touching soft things repeatedly to soothe herself 🤧🤧.

“Crying is not an option. There will be more cameras at the train station.” — someone tell that to Peeta 🤣🤣🤣.

Okay I gotta stop picking on Primmers, I know but like. How small is she that she sits on Katniss’ lap like a toddler but then in the following year is the same height as her? Doesn’t matter I know but still I wonder.

Okay so Mrs. E is the doctor for the people of the Seam? Idk I never thought about this but who does people like Peeta or Madge or Delly go to if they’re sick or hurt? Is there a still running apothecary shop that Katniss never mentions? Are her grandparents still running the family biz?

Also okay, I gotta stop having so many thoughts on all the lil details I know but like. Katniss says here she’s familiar with the herbs her mother doesn’t grow on her own so like a). Katniss is more of a healer than she leads on because no average person knows what kind of plant is medicinal and b). Her mother is just growing herbs and Katniss never mentions it again in the whole series? Or I just missed it.

Okay imma move on from this one singular paragraph but Gale and her made a pact a year ago that they’ll supply each other’s family with game if they were to be reaped... I’m feeling like their close friendship is probably only one year old then? Idk. Just my interpretation.

Honestly I love Katniss getting mad at her mom here.

She’s sixteen, for God’s sake, of course she’s angry at what her mother’s illness put her through.

Also I lowkey like that her mother got mad back because that lady in the movies had zero personality.

“Boys who are two to three times my size.” She sounds so little, omg 🥺🥺🥺.

“I don’t care if we’re rich, I just really want you to come home” 🤧🤧🤧😩😩😩😩 okay Primmers, you got me here.

“the Peacekeeper is at the door, signaling our time is up, and we're all hugging one another so hard it hurts and all I'm saying is ‘I love you. I love you both.’ And they're saying it back...” this is so sad leave me be 😫😫😫😫

Katniss is burying her face in a pillow to block out her emotions this is too much for me 🥵🥵🥵

Omg I forgot Peeta’s father visits Katniss 😅

Why does he visit Katniss?

She describes Peeta’s father as a “big, broad-shouldered man.” And then describes Peeta as stocky. Idk the comparison of the two descriptions has always led me to think Peeta is gonna be a big dude when he grows up like his father. This made no sense and had zero correlation but I thought, so I said it, no regrets

Oh he brought her cookies 🤧

WAIT WAIT WAIT. I just had a new thought, y’all. What if instead of the baker bringing cookies being a thing he does for all tributes, what if he’s bringing the cookies because Peeta asked him to, because he made them and wants to give them to Katniss and knows she’ll never accept / trust them coming from her competition? What if that’s the real reason the baker visited her in the first place? Because Peeta asked him to? This was such a shipper comment but idc, no regrets, remember?

Omg Peeta’s father is just mute 🤣🤣🤣

Between an abusive, angry mother and a mute for a father, the Mellark brothers must have had a fairytale of a childhood 😅😅😅😅.

But seriously #PoorPeetaMyBaby

Aww Peeta’s father is gonna help keep Prim alive 😭

Omg I just remembered he’s her mother’s ex boyfriend. Haidon Mellark, as I named him in my fics.

That one fic where he was thought to be Prim’s real father is just playing now in my head, rent free.

But does Katniss not realize that he may be offering to help Prim as a favor to her? Like she claims Prim is just so wonderful people adore her but there’s like zero evidence in the text that make her endearing? Okay I need to turn this bus around, I need to find a love for Primmy Deen.

Madge is not one for preamble apparently. No “hi, how are you? I’m sorry you’re gonna die? What will your last meal be?” Just right to “here, wear this family heirloom of mine, k thanks.”

I like that Madge had to kiss her cheek for Katniss to realize they were friends 😅😅😅.

I remember always loving her and Gale’s hug here. I’ve always felt like it was platonic, but especially when I first read the books and had zero preference one way or another for Gale or Peeta, I really liked how she said even with nothing romantic between them, “when he opens his arms, I don’t hesitate to go to him” or something I’m paraphrasing ok I’m lazy

Also though, this is the first time they’ve ever hugged? Idk why that surprises me? It shouldn’t because where is a hug gonna fit into a hunting trip 😅🤣😂 “I just caught a deer!” “let’s celebrate with a hug!”

I like that Katniss remembers how her father even failed to make a good bow sometimes. Random, I know.

I like that the Capitol weren’t entertained by the people freezing to deaths because it wasn’t bloody enough 🤭🙃

“How different can it be [to kill a human vs an animal]?” She’s about to find out, Gale 🥺. And when she comes back you won’t understand 🙄😔

What did Gale want to say before the Peacekeepers dragged him away?

I used to think it was a confession of love but I’m actually sure it wasn’t now? Just the wording “remember I-“ doesn’t sound like it, considering he never confessed anything prior to her coming home.

I’m assuming now he was just gonna give her some more advice to stay alive 🤷🏼‍♀️. Clearly if it were relevant it would have made its way to the others books.

Aww, she’s never been inside a car before 😭😭. I didn’t even know they had cars in this universe but okay.

I notice though how she says “In the Seam, we travel on foot.” So is Peeta just riding his trolly down the street every day with the other merchants then? 🤣

Peeta just openly crying on camera 😅😢.

I like how Katniss is like “ooo is this an act to get sponsors?” when in reality Peeta’s like “no, I’m just a soft and genuine boy ™️”

Omg I just realized this totally goes along with Peeta’s thing later on “I want to die as myself”

He’s refusing to hold back his emotions because he thinks he’s doomed to die and he’s already refusing to pretend to be or feel something ingenious.

But a Johanna mention in book 1 chapter 3 woohoo 🥳🥳🥳 also Katniss comparing Jo and Peeta is kind of like foreshadowing of their shared torture in book 3.

Omg she just called Peeta broad-shouldered and strong. 🥰🥰🥰 my headcanon for his post-canon body is confirmed

Also why does Katniss keep allotting his strength to carrying bread trays around? Are they heavy? Why have I never once heard of people who carry bread trays being strong? I always thought Peeta was really strong because he learned to fight in order to defend himself against his mother but that’s probably wrong.

But if a mother is abusive, it can lead to one of the kids being physically violent as well and we know Peeta isn’t but he has two older brothers I’m gonna cut myself off now but I think we all smelled what I just stepped in.

Also I just find it so fascinating now how she regards herself vs Peeta here.

When talking about herself, she says, “The competition will be far beyond my abilities. [...] Oh, there'll be people like me, too. People to weed out before the real fun begins.” But when she talks about Peeta, she immediately says, “It would take an awful lot of weeping to convince anyone to overlook him.”

It’s just funny how she discounted herself right from the start but thought he was a real contender and then come to find out, Peeta believes it’s the exact opposite 😂🙃. They’re both so stupid I can’t even take it.

Wait did they actually give the location of the Capitol and the location of District Twelve in today’s world? And I just overlooked it? Brb I’m gonna go to google maps right quick.

Okay so basically what I gathered is the Capitol is probably in New Mexico and District Twelve is somewhere between Kentucky and Alabama. Irrelevant I know. But just a reminder now to everyone that Katniss and Peeta are literally speaking, crying and screaming in thick, backwoods southern accents.

It’s literally so sad how everything for Katniss is about food. Like every motive she has, every action she does is about preventing starvation ever again. 🤧🤧🤧

First mockingjay mention 🤭🤭.

“My father was particularly fond of mockingjays” 😭😭😭 I bet he was 😭😭😭😭

We always go on and on about how Katniss is a mockingjay or her children are mockingjays but Katniss herself here says mockingjays represent her father imma cry, y’all 😫😫😫😫

“It’s like having a piece of my father with me, protecting me” shut up shut up shut up shut up

Awww, Katniss has never had food like this before 😔😔😔

Neither has Peeta 🤧🤧

Katniss disliking the way Effie put the two kids from the year before down and so began to eat like a pig just to prove her point, is so her. And the beginning of her fighting for the underdog.

Omg the Rue introduction 🥺🥺🥺

Bahahahaha the commenters calling District Twelve backwards but charming 😅😅😅 they really are the hillbilly district

Peeta’s unexpected laugh 🥺🥺🥺 I love you, baby

“He was drunk. He’s drunk every year.” “Every day.” Katniss and Peeta are already finishing each other’s sentiments and teaming up to get on Effie’s nerves I love them so much 😍

Oh my God, Effie, you selfish jerk. They’re kids having fun for like one second, no need to throw in their faces they’re gonna die if the drunk won’t help them. I’d forgotten why I don’t really like the book version of her. I actually prefer her as comedic relief in the movies.

I actually just realized I really dislike Effie Trinket, I hope they never speak to her again Post-Mockingjay. Idc how you’re raised you don’t need to treat teenagers who are sentenced to a probable death badly just because they laughed at you 🙄🙄🙄😡😡😡😡. They didn’t even really laugh at her, she’s just annoying and awful, we don’t stan Effie in this household.

Okay, that’s all for my thoughts on chapter three! Until next time, y’all ! If anyone actually read this long mess of a post.

#thgagain #this is so long I’m sorry #also yes I’m gonna use a Jennifer gif again

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homeofhousechickens · 3 years

Text

Noticed an influx of terfs harassing fellow agriculture blogs. And i want to talk about something pretty heavy, if you are one of those “terf” people or maybe you have found yourself following those types of blogs while also following mine please give my words a read. I know some people look up to me but to be honest I am not the most eloquent person but maybe i can convince you to look more critically at your world view.

Tw: Transphobia, abuse, trauma, Aphobia, Terf rhetoric

I will be honest and say that I also once attacked people who were different from me to, i used to be what i think is called an asexual exclusionist due to some of my own trauma and because of that i took it out on the asexual community as an angry autistic teenager. I was frustrated at my hypersexuality which was a symptom of my sexual abuse being treated like a normal sexuality so i projected those feelings of hurt back out into the world when their was better coping methods. I was frustrated at the well off asexual kids in GSA that couldnt understand why their fellow member was having a panic attack due to being kicked out of the house for being a lesbian, when i could have been just as frustrated at the other LGBT kids that had decent parents, i was just targeting them because they were different from me and it felt safe to.

Obviously as an adult I educated myself and no longer hold those ideas. I read stuff from outside of my own point of view and stuff that directly challenged me over the years, I know not everyone has the privilege to be able to do that but i did and the reason is is that i was tired of hurting and i was tired of hurting other people, I never harassed anyone but it did influence how i treated people when i was younger and i am sorry for it.

I know alot of terf rhetoric centers around the concept of women (specifically white women usually) being victims of the “other sex” or being them being the “better sex”. (i know because aphobic rhetoric is very similar) Due to this they genuinely believe that other women want to come into their spaces and “steal” this ideal away from them. Thats why they get so furious about the idea of functional uterine transplants. To them, their uterus or vulva is what defines them as “better” or the reason they suffer trauma but when the science is moving so where typical reproduction may not be the only pathway to child bearing they become enraged because they are no longer “special” to themselves. Their is no longer a reason for their trauma and pain.

This fundamentally is the basis of the hate they put out into the world. This is also why they attack cis women who do not conform to typical femininity. This boiling down of their worth to chromosomes or anatomy is literally just a rehashed version of the own misogyny they were likely fed as a child and it makes me sad. They say the same stuff my shitty relatives did about women but now terfs are the ones saying it about whoever they decide is the “other” sometimes that other is transgender women sometimes its intersex women and sometimes its women who just dont conform to their ideals. When you picture yourself happy, is it when your standing with your heels dug in on top of the people you deem “other”? Or is when your helping out your fellow human? When you tear down another person does it really build you up? When you see others tear someone down because of their appearance do you not care how it may affect the people you care about and the people who care about you? How many terfs have i seen brag about “hate saving” transwomens photos so they can make fun of them later? How does that sound when you say that out loud? Imagine going to the person you care about the most someone you deeply respect and saying “in my free time i save/take pictures of people i dont know and then i make fun of them and show them to a bunch of strangers so we can make fun of them together” like really say that out loud.

I would be ashamed. I want to make people happy not hurt them. I want connection and i think thats a base need for most humans. I want to connect with people who are kind to me and kind to others, if someone told me they were doing that i would feel ashamed for even talking to that person. Sexual abuse and trauma are no joke and there isnt an argument to say that women suffer gendered violence that cis white men simply never really will ever understand. But true of the matter is our trans brothers and sisters are treated just like woman are and worse. I feel like so many of us end up holding hate for a group of people due to bad experiences with individuals so our dumb brains start shoving people into boxes of “bad” and “good”. But a trans person can fear rape, abuse, trauma just as much as you do and they suffer from very high levels of it and thats a fact. They are not your enemy, hateful individualistic thinking is! and its that very same way of thinking that is killing the planet. I want to iterate that every single person you have interacted with on this website is a living breathing person. They have their own emotions, their own thoughts, their own dreams, and their own world view. When you say something mean or harass them you are actively hurting another person. Me typing this out right now, i am a person with my own flaws and aspirations. I think sometimes people forget that people are people not just faceless emotional less words on a screen. Trans women are women and this blog will always support that. If that makes you upset think about why, on your own at first, no social media to help you.

Maybe see a therapist who is well versed in gender and the lgbt. Therapists arent just their for when your depressed or anxious they are here to talk to. There is people you can read about or talk to, the worst thing that can happen is that you could change like i did. There is nothing shameful about changing and admitting mistakes. Sorry if i said some things wrong i just wanted to get it off my chest

#vent #transphobia #aphobia #cw terfs #anti terf

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