#why do i always hyperfixate on the stuff no one's heard of lmao

[rainily-03]

ace attorney fans... if you are hungering for content... i have a recommendation for you

@tanukisamastudios

#why do i always hyperfixate on the stuff no one's heard of lmao #phoenix wright #ace attorney #narumitsu #wrightworth #maya fey #nina aquila: legal eagle #nina aquila #dylan merlo #chad hawke #skye draws

[on-leatheredwings]

i've found your account only a few days ago but ever since then I've been STUCK here rereading your fanfics, especially ones with damian. i wasn't even a dc fan (heard about some stuf, watched some films and cartoons, but that's it) but now im reading comics since im Obsessed and need more batboys in my life (rip my productivity😔)

Anyway, after Sleepover i'm curious what will Bruce (and maybe even Thalia) think of batboys strange behaviour towards reader. He's smart, so he definitely notices it early on, but how he'll react....

I can see him being weirded out (like he was by Jason's anger issues, before his death), but he also can be an enabler, since Robin (literaly any of them) had a hard life, so if those relationships can help him why not pretend that everything is normal? you'll be safer in a Wayne's Manor anyway

All in all, thanks for a new hyperfixation 💞💞

P.s. About games:

1. Boyfriend to death 1&2 - since you're into yanderes you might want to check this game out. I prefer the second game, but the first is also fun. But beware the trigger warnings!!

2. Long live the Queen - more of a raising sim than dating sim but you still can romance some guys and girls.

,3. Hatoful Boyfriend - mostly a comedy, but there is a yandere.

4. The Royal Trap - it's been a long time since i played it, but it used to be one of my favorites so i'll just mention it.

5. Higurashi - once again not really a romance sim, but its an interesting horror mixed with a slice of life

;A; AWWWW THANK YOU IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE MY STUFF.... THAT MAKES ONE OF US GIJSDOFAFGHFOJDSD

and yes yes get into DC!!! (girl who hasnt even read a full run since like. injustice)

damn now you got me thinking and excited. incoming spiel

i agree entirely about bruce just knowing how Bad things can get, so to make things simpler, he's like "yes, your darling(s) can stay in the manor, boys. 🙄"

mmm yes..... when it comes to bruce noticing the batboys are yandere, i think it's always sinfully delightful to just have him be reluctantly okay with it. 😈 it's also easier narratively ngl but i also like the idea that the batfam is all just corrupted.

bruce's thoughts are that they (his sons) fight for vengeance and justice but this is where they could use some leeway.... we all need our vice... they fight so hard for gotham, they deserve a little treat (getting rid of your human rights)... it's very "Dad who wants his sons to have happiness even if its not healthy" of him. in fics where bruce is a yandere, well, he's the exact same way so he can't judge. although if that's the case, i like the idea of bruce just being like "yes what we do isn't right. let's not talk about it. just don't kill <3"

still wondering what i like more. a yan!bruce who's self aware what he's doing is wrong but he just refuses to think about it. or a yan!bruce that justifies it all because of his paranoia, Tower of Babel style (if you don't know, that's when it's revealed batman has plans to subdue/kill the justice league just in case they go rogue.)

for the batboys depends on their personality... for damian, he's so resolute in things that i prefer when he just believes 100% what he's doing is okay, if not actually righteous. ^_^

hmmm talia.... I'M STILL UNSURE HOW I PREFER THAT AS WELL... i think talia being a you-arent-good-enough-for-my-son mom is a little cliche but also. she kinda would say that. you'd have to prove your worth somehow but idk how tf darling would do that LOL. in the end, i think talia is just relieved/comforted that her son indeed feels desire and wants love and will continue the family legacy (regardless if youre afab/can biologically have children.)

no THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!! AND THANKS FOR RECS!!!! heheh yeah ive checked out btd and im not averse to the warnings its more like im not that most of into the designs ngl. fox guy seems cute? AND LMAO FUNNY BC IM ON A HIGURASHI REWATCH (never played it tho)

#yandere batfam #ask

[fivewholeminutes]

Let's talk about the freakshow talk!

It will not be a lyrics' analysis. It's just my very personal connotation which has nothing to do with the lore or how i perceive this song as a whole.

I remember how this line struck me the first time i've heard it. For me, it represents things that are important to me that nobody else cares about or belittles me for. Hyperfixations, hobbies and activities that keep me sane. Everyone doesn't care, is dismissive, makes fun of me or straight up gets angry with me for mentioning them. It's been like this my whole fucking life and it has made me a very closed-off person.

There are people who listen from time to time, don't get me wrong, but eventually everyone gets tired with me and my ~silly~ interests or behaviours.

'Freakshow' is a good description for this, beause most of my interests are not your typical free time activities, alright. I need to keep the talks about myself to a careful minimum, otherwise i always end up getting one of the reactions mentioned above. And trust me, i am very self-aware and a people's pleaser (except at work lmao), so i really do have a filter when talking about stuff i'm passionate about. Except sometimes those things make me so happy i really want to share that joy with people i feel the most comfortable with and all i eventually get in return is apathy, mocking or anger. Even from people who have the same coping mechanisms as me.

I never tell others to shut up when they do the same, even if i do get tired of it or i am unable to fully follow what they mean. It's normal! But those people are happy when they talk about their things, so i am happy for them. I may be bad at matching their enthusiasm at times, but hey, quite often i am (willingly!) dragged into the same fandom/hobby as them.

So. I've been keeping my freakshow talks to a careful minimum my whole life and this is why this line hits me hard, even if it doesn't mean the same in the context of the whole song.

#oof that was not a fun post sorry guys #but i've been rotating this in my brain for months and i needed to get it out #also this has been sitting in my drafts forever #not putting that in the main tag tho

[my-name-is-bunnyfoxy]

For the TMNT Ships Ask Thing:

Caseynardo (Leo x Casey)

and/or

Aprilnardo/Leopril (Leo x April)

I love these 2 ships so much. I know they are kind of rarepairs (though, MM gave a lot of love to Leopril and there has been a lot more Leopril stuff. Which is great!), but I love them.

They are very dear to my heart. Personally.

Caseynardo 2012:

I've never heard of it until long time later

Now I'm just kicking my feet

YESSSSSSS

Silly goofball jock x serious and quiet nerd RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SCREW LEORAI

TO MAKE THIS BETTER LEO IS PRETTY MUCH BI IN THE SERIES (He's stated to have a man crush on Captain Ryan)

THE WAY THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER IN THAT ONE EPISODE

I'm aware they were kind of trash talking big foot in a foot too big but they were STILL bonding!!!

Please read Breaking the Ice by @fabuloustrash05 . I stopped studying for a few minutes to just read it and I'm proud. Disclaimer don't ditch your studies to just read fanfics that is not my message.

Anyways the fnafic solified my love for the ship.

Opposites attract

I can also see them as two friends who act gay but actually aren't or maybe they are.

Or two guys who seem gay but~ (inset bisexuality)

It's amazing. A solid 10/10.

2012 Aprilnardo:

We sadly don't get too much content with them but like-

I remember I was kind of introduced to this ship because I followed one of my idols who shipped it and made fanart of it and it was on DA. This was back before it got deactivated my account.

I LOVE 'Eyes of the chimera' episode. They were basically supporting each other all the way.

Ngl the transfem Leo lovers made me love it even more because I love me some lesbians. TMNT is already filled with some lesbians so why not add more!

I love how April is always by Leo's side and we see how much she cares for him.

I love the idea that April used to be into Space Heroes and then Leo got her back into it.

(For those who headcannon as both autistic) they would so totally talk and rant about their hyperfixation.

I wish though they had more moments together.

They are legit underrated.

The ship will get 9/10 for me.

I'll include rise and the mutant mayhem version cause why not.

Rise Leo x Cassandra:

Meh not bad

It's okay at best

I do feel like they could have become very close friends if Cass left junior under Leo's care in the bad future.

They are both reckless and over energetic and yet still have a lot of insecurities and issues that they have to cover it up.

Not a bad idea I suppose.

I guess 4.5/10. I don't know. We didn't get much of them so I mean.

Rise Leo x Junior:

ABSOLUTELY NOT

DNI IF YOU SHIP THEM

LEO WAS LITERALLY A FATHER FIGURE TO CASEY

"But I'm shipping the teen version of Leo with junior not adult-" NO. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

ALSO IMAGINE DATING YOUR FRIEND'S SON. THAT WOULD BE SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE.

AGAIN, LEAVE MY PAGE IF YOU SHIP THEM.

Negative 0/10. Get the f out.

Rise Leo x April:

I've seen and been bombared by a ton of art regarding this ship on YT.

Controversial opinion: It's cute.

They both have the same energy and another controversial opinion but, Leo has a way closer relationship with April then Donnie. I've kind of seen more scenes with them together then with her and Donnie.

Though just like last time I prefer her being an older sister figure to him that Leo looks up to.

They both care for each other and love each other no matter what.

April pretty much comforts the turtles about their insecurities so she would do the same with Leo.

Probably a 6/10 or something. Again, prefer them as siblings but don't hate it. I'll kind of indulge in it tbh-

Mutant Mayhem Leo x April:

Better then 2012 Donnie's lmao-

They do have sweet moments

It's sweet they went to prom together

Mah boi was simping real hard

I feel like they should have gotten more scenes

I do feel like maybe April and Leo won't really happen or be cannon though. I don't know man. I'll see how it goes in the Tales of TMNT that will happen in 2024.

I'm really hoping they don't make it into a toxic love triangle or make it creepy or toxic.

I'll take this ship anyway as one of the only few good Leo romances.

It took them after 1987 to finally give Leo a good love interest.

the way he looks at her AHHHHHHHHH

The fanart of them together is really cute and wholesome (that made me remember that I still had that art request from you just sitting in my files- I didn't draw it because I didn't see MM yet- I'll try and get to it at some point I swear-)

Hope we get more scenes of them together

I'm unsure where I sit with this ship just yet. Again I'll see how it goes in the show.

For now, 7/10. I feel like a bit too high but you know what, whatever. The ship is okay so far.

Now...

Is anyone interested in Caprilnardo~?

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2012 #tmnt fandom #rottmnt #tmnt 2k12 #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt leo #tmnt casey jones #tmnt april #april o'neil #tmnt april o'neil #rottmnt april #rottmnt april o'neil #rise april #rise cassandra #rottmnt cassandra #rise casey #aprilnardo #caseynardo #leopril #rottmnt aprilnardo #rottmnt casey jones #rottmnt casey jr #rottmnt leo #rise leo #rottmnt leonardo #rise leonardo #caprilnardo #tmnt ships

[jonathanbiers]

🎧🎵 when you get this, you have to put in 5 songs you actually listen to at the moment. Then tag 5-10 followers to do the same. 🎵🎧

tagged by @flashyysins <3

i'm just going to put my current hyperfixation songs, and a little explanation why i'm liking them rn

romanticist by yves tumor - this one's on my little stargyle playlist, i immediately thought of them when i heard it. it's like the exact mood i want to capture later on in the series i'm working on.

show me how by men i trust - from my fluff writing playlist, this one i've had on repeat while writing the back half of my christmas fic. it's got the soft and gentle vibes i really want to shine through, and is perfect for writing because the vocals are just far back enough in the mix that i'm not distracted by the words.

burnout by unitytx - aaaand this is where the soft stuff ends lmao. this band opened for loathe a couple weeks ago (my all-time fav) and they're so so good. i feel this song in my soul lmao. their music has hiphop influences as well, and there is always a need for more poc representation in metal

bleeding by varials - bassline is so fucking sexy

how long? by tallah - made me cry in my car first time i heard it. really hit me right in the transgender, though i'm fairly certain justin wrote it about being gay. a song for queer people to cry to in general, i think, in a full-of-rage, when can we just exist without fear kind of way. beautiful, beautiful song

as always sorry if you've been tagged already/don't like to do these! tagging: @himbohohoharringtxn @skeletoneddie @heroeddiemunson @bayouteche

#tag games

[krankittoeleven]

Rules: list eight shows for your followers to get to know you better.

Tagged by @ainulindaelynn. This took a minute cause I couldn't think of more than 3 shows. Most of the TV I "watch" is just on in the background while I'm doing almost anything else except reading or writing.

EDIT: after posting i realized I completely forgot about Start Trek TNG. Unforgivable on my part.

M*A*S*H - I've still never figured out why this resonated with me as much as it did (I mean, aside from the obvious), especially since the last episode aired when I was a year old. There were a lot of reruns, though, growing up, so I guess it just stuck at some point. I'm not sure if it still hold true now, but there was a time in the 90s/early 00s where there was an episode of M*A*S*H airing somewhere in the world every 30 minutes. Impressive that is resonated so clearly, everywhere.

True Detective (Season 1) - I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is the single best season of a tv show, ever. The other seasons are good, but they don't have anything to do with each other aside from a call back or two, so I feel fine about treating it as its own thing. If you like detective/procedural with a light supernatural bent, plus a cult inspired by your friendly neighborhood King in Yellow, well this is the show for you.

Vikings Valhalla - strangely I haven't even watched Vikings yet, and this is a great example of mutuals being great advertisers because one of mine was hyperfixating on King Canute and I was like 👀👀 who are you? So yeah, I'm watching this for the "wrong" reasons. LOL (SRSLY THOUGH ALL I SEE IS A LIVE ACTION UBBA *snickers*

4. Hannibal - I was hooked from the beginning, before they started throwing all that sexual tension around (not complaining tho lol). This was one of the few shows that my ex partner and I watched together all the time, our tastes and schedules often conflicted, but we were always around for the murder husbands. XD

5. The Haunting of Hill House - another one the X-misses and I used to watch together. I really enjoyed this one though it took us forever to get through it because we'd stop every few minutes to figure out if we'd spotted a ghost or not. LOL I quiet enjoyed it overall, and I also very much like how they changed things up over the original novella. I like Shirley Jackson, but I think some of her other stuff is better.

6. Any Dinosaur TV show - especially Walking With Dinosaurs and Dinosaur Planet and Prehistoric Planet.

7. Severance - This show knocked me out. I heard about it on Tumblr one day and I'd binged it all within the next couple days. LMAO What nonsense I love it.

8. Good Omens & Sandman - putting these two together because they fill the same space in my heart: respectable adaptations of things I grew up with and am very fond of and I'm glad to see getting a wider audience/more attention/more love. :D

I will tag @brasideios @macavitykitsune @theinkandthesea @vdk-hellscape and anyone else that wants to cuz I'm not sure who has or hasn't been hit by this one yet.

#tag game #tv

[thestobingirlie]

So much fic seems to miss how different things were in the 80s compared to now (also seem to forget how long ago stranger things is set... like season 1 is set 40 years ago this year.)

One thing I notice it a lot in is the talking about video/ the setting with Steve and Robin working at family video and just how home media worked.

First part of it, you can always tell when someone only grew up with dvd/ bluray/ video on demand. Because VHS did not have home menus, scene selection, or an additional features menu. You put the tape in and the only options were play, pause, fast forward or rewind. And when people write DVD instead of VHS for what family video offer. Like that format did not come out until the mid 90's and didn't overtake VHS until the early-mid 2000's, which lead to the monstrosities that were the combo DVD/VHS player. (I even saw one fic where Steve and Robin had to rewind returned DVD's. That is just not how it works.)

A lot of the time I think people don't understand is how new accessible home video/ home media was. Like when Steve and Robin start at family video, VHS was less than a decade old. Home video that was accessible and available to the masses only really came about with Betamax in 75 and VHS in 76. And because of that it was expensive, which is why rental stores were such a big thing. In the mid 80's a normal single-tape VHS could easily cost $80-$90, which is the equivalent of over $200. When Back To The Future was released on VHS in 86 it cost $80. So when its written that someone (often Eddie) has rented the same movie a few times, and they have Steve or Robin say that it would be cheaper to buy a copy, it just doesn't make sense.

Then its the time between theatrical release and home release. It could easily be a year between theatrical release and VHS release (Using BTTF again, theatrical release date was July 3rd 1985, VHS release was May 22nd 1986. So nearly 11 months.) And film companies didn't just release their entire back catalogue onto VHS right away. They looked at what was in demand. (Disney didn't finish releasing their "classics" onto VHS until well into the 90's). The one I see people getting wrong the most in fic is The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now I could see Robin and Eddie loving Rocky Horror, but they probably weren't all that aware of it. It was released in 75, but it wasn't available on VHS until 87 in the UK, and 1990 in the US, and it wasn't broadcast on TV until 93. Yes, there were midnight screenings in a lot of cities, but it was rated R, and they just might not have heard of it. (Sorry, but Rocky Horror is my other hyperfixation/ special interest and I could talk about it for hours on end). But, yeah, unless they'd managed to get hold of a bootleg copy, they probably hadn't seen it.

Sorry for the long ask, but this is just something that bugs me a little, because it would take just a few seconds to google it to find out if what they've written actually makes sense with the time it's set.

i read a fic that mentioned they were all watching a dvd and i literally stopped reading the fic. it just totally took me out of it.

obviously if you’re younger you won’t know as much about vhs, but it’s not that hard to find out (also, someone had to rewind dvds??? come on man, never having actually seen a vhs, sure. but have these people never watched a dvd??)

$80? that’s so expensive! i had no idea! i do love how you know so much about this tho lmao

people focus on the rocky horror picture show too much. i think it’s the only queer media they know from around the 80s, and while it’s fun, i really don’t think robin/steve/eddie would’ve known much about it, and if they did watch it, would probably be post st canon.

don’t worry about long asks! small things like that bug me too lol, especially because they’re so small it would take two seconds to look it up! but i guess if you’ve never really experienced 80s shit, you don’t even know you have to look stuff up.

#steve harrington #eddie munson #robin buckley #stranger things #asks #anon

[raspberrybluejeans]

given the birth of a second hyperfixation in this new era of mine i decided to try and think of all of the ones i’ve had before lol. long ass post under the cut

I don’t know the exact order of some of these things but roughly, and mostly categorized by what school I was in at the time because its easier to remember where I was spending my time thinking about these lol:

Robin Hood. (just elementary school I think) Just in general. Consumed anything I could find about him. Somehow believed I was his descendent 💀 I actually visited Sherwood forest and I can’t remember if this Started the madness or if I was already starting lol

Warriors (elementary and I think going into middle school a bit too) The king. the big one. It was my fucking lifestyle. Believed I was a cat in a human body. I had my dad preorder the books as they came out, they’d come in the mail and I’d read the whole thing in a day. I literally prayed to StarClan. I prosthelytized these books to anyone who would listen. I still proudly display the books in my room they are a part of my soul even if I barely remember particular events of them anymore lol

Fushigi Yugi (middle school I think) I don't know how tf I found this anime and I've never heard of anyone else talk about it before. I don't even remember what it was really about anymore. But I know I was making OCs and drawing fanart and had books of notes and little fanfiction things that I never shared with anyone lol. I vaguely remember that this show actually had a trans character, though its anime so of course it wasn't done particularly respectfully lmao. But I think its part of why it stuck with me so much at this time that my gender was starting to trans lmfao. (All i remember is the protagonist was going to get the ability to grant wishes at some point, and one character who was mostly seemingly male asked if she would use her wish to term him(?) into a woman)

His Dark Materials (middle school) I ate these books up and I liked The Golden Compass movie too, but definitely not as much as the books. I made myself a daemon and I am so sad to say I don't remember his name anymore. At the time I was still identifying as female so the daemon was a male lol. I think I had decided his settled form would be a Jaguarundi even though I was still a kid lmfao. I remember gently forcing my friends to make daemons for themselves too lol

Hetalia (middle school. pretty sure the hyperfixation was about done before starting high school) I don't know that I want to share much details about these dark times but I was so insane 💀

Star Trek (high school) I watched The Original Series when I was younger with my dad and I loved it but didnt particularly hyperfixate until high school, where I started also watching The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. Loved them all so much. Made OCs, fanart, etc. For some reason I never really got into shipping with Star Trek though. I've always said they feel like my family members so it feels wrong LOL. I do ship Spock and Kirk and stuff but it took me awhile to get into seeing actual ship fanart because it felt like seeing your parents kiss or something 😂 I remember I would draw little star trek things and look up lore and I'd talk about the different species and stuff to anyone who would listen lol

SuperWhoLock (high school) I sort of fixated on each of these more at random times, though I'm pretty sure that Doctor Who was the strongest interest of the three? I think I did cosplay stuff for all of them, fanart stuff for all of them. Read so much Sherlock fanfiction it makes me sick to think about now

Homestuck (high school) pain. OCs, fanart, cosplaying, everything. Parodies of real songs made to be about homestuck filled my song library. Madness

Marvel (high school and slowly tapered off into the medicated years lol) MCU, Xmen, comics, everything. I watched all the movies religiously and I had a subscription to the marvel comics app where you could read most of the comics or whatever. I LOVED The Young Avengers and I was sad that they never really made a movie or show for them, but I'm sorta glad they havent now. They would have fucked them up. I also loved the XMen First Class movie and was obsessed with Cherik. And I ate up all the MCU crap, I loved Thor and Jane. I just watched Thor: Love and Thunder which was my first MCU movie in quite awhile and the Thor and Jane stuff in it was kind of cathartic tbh

And then I was medicated 💀 The medication was good in some ways, but it seriously deadened all of my emotions. I just did not deeply care about anything or anyone and thought that was just part of maturing. The MCU movies getting worse and worse until they were unwatchable kind of crushed me and the urge to be interested in anything as well. The closest thing I had to big interests in this time was weirdly enough all games: Pokemon Go, Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, and Minecraft. Not full obsession but they took up most of my free time. But I sort of realized that most of my zest for life died around the time I started taking the medication. And the main reason that I stopped taking it was that when I forgot to take it the detox symptoms or whatever were so violent and it literally would make me sick for days just from forgetting ONE day. So I decided to stop taking them (I weaned off them slowly) and have mostly not regretted that decision. Now I get the thrill of hyperfixations again, which feel even more exciting after being numb for so long lmao

Our Flag Means Death. Obsessed obsessed obsessed. I think I may have read more fanfiction for these ten bitch ass little episodes than anything else before. I made the sideblog to allow myself to go full balls to the wall without flooding my main lmfao. I loved being a part of this fandom as it was born and it has been so much fun. I joined a discord server for this show and I love talking to them. Even though the hyperfixation has faded I still adore this show and I am SO happy there's going to be a season 2, I can't wait, and I hope the hyperfixation sparks up again when it comes out. I can't wait to tear apart every little detail again.

The Magnus Archives. This shit hit me out of left field. I was sad from my OFMD era being burned out and I was tired of all of my music and I decided to listen to this just for something to do. This shit grabbed me by the gooch and swung me around the room. I listened completely blind I had no idea what was going to happen at all and I am just fucking losing my shit. That ending literally has me eating drywall. And since it ended like over a year ago pretty much everyone else is over it now and I have no one to talk to and I'm losing my mind. Help. Help.

Notable shoutouts for things I really loved/love but they never fully manifested into like. obsession (at least they haven’t yet lol)

Animal Ark (elementary) I just ate up these books I read so many but didnt quite have enough lore to obsess over lmao

Animorphs (elementary/middle) not sure why this didnt really manifest into obsession. i own all of the books though, and still display them lol

Several random animes I no longer remember. (middle) There was some period where I'd watch any anime/read any manga I could get my hands on and have a brief little moment with that lol

Merlin (high school) loved it but alas. no insanity

Teen Wolf (high school) even closer to hyperfixation but not quite

In The Flesh (high school) I think this one almost could have been considered a hyperfixation but I got into it like. basically right when it got cancelled and it just SHATTERED my heart I did not recover for years I still live in terror from that

Welcome To Nightvale (high school) So I was MAINLY obsessed with the fact that the protagonist was gay and less so with the actual plot lol. I did cosplay for this though, I was even Cecil for Halloween one year. I want to restart listening to this soon, to give it another chance, since I have a new appreciation for spooky shit. Once my TMA era has faded lmfao.

Ice Planet Barbarians Series (I think I was reading these right around the time I stopped taking meds lol) I started reading the first one as a joke because it has a funny name and funny cover but I actually loved it. I loved the world and the lore and everything. It frustrated me in the end though because a) each book got too formulaic. Every book was a brand new couple. Girl I want to hear more about the established couples and their families and shit. and b) because gay stuff was almost impossible given the way things worked in this series lol. Anyways close but no cigar. I read at least 20 of those fuckin books tho

Howl's Moving Castle book series (Post Medication Modern Era) I fucking adored these books, they were so easy to read and the world was so delightful and funny. I wish there was more. But there was not enough lore or community for me to hyperfixate

The Hobbit & Lord of the Rings books (PMME) Fucking incredible even if they were very hard to read. I'm almost certain I would have had a full LOTR era if OFMD had not hit me like a train. So maybe this will happen eventually but I think I've been enjoying it The Normal Amount for a longer amount of time instead lol. I did also have sort of a mini era back in high school or something over The Hobbit movies but now that I've read the books those leave sort of a bad taste in my mouth lol

Black Sails (PMME) I was still too obsessed with OFMD when I watched this lol. This show was so good and had I seen it before OFMD I might have gone super crazy for it. I still think it was such a good story though.

Theres a good chance that I'm forgetting some stuff here but oh well lmfao. If you actually read all of this I give you a kiss on the lips

#ograt

[someoneimsure]

Hello.. I dunno where to start with this but I need some advice if you’re willing to give it. When I just joined the site around a year ago, I had nooo clue about internet safety or warning signs or even what an anti or a pro shipper was. I barely knew how tumblr worked basically. I had always identified as asexual after hearing its definition from a friend a few years ago, so I didn’t know that would be a problem on the internet, either (spoiler alert: it was) basically when I was very new to both tumblr and the whole fandom experience I kind of accidentally fell into a really, reallyyyy bad, toxic subsection of fans because those were the blogs recommended to me by tumblr 😭 none of them identified them as antis (didn’t know what that was) but said if you were proship not to follow them, which I also didn’t know what that was, so I just followed them anyway. When I had like ~35 followers some biggish account follows me back and starts acting veryyyy buddy-buddy. Sliding into messages, trying to pressure me for personal information like my name, age, and selfie. I said a fake name and my real age but refused a selfie because of internet safety and made me feel guilty for it.. they also reblogged a bunch of reblog bait CONSTANTLY like ‘what color are your eyes?’ ‘What hair texture are you?’ ‘What’s your skin color?’ And tagged me in it. I was dumb and participated in it but now I feel sick that they were manipulatively trying to figure out what I looked like. They also tagged me in several little ask games where you also tag your other mutuals at the end of it, that will be important later. Basically, they literally OUT OF THE BLUE went on several long, longggg, vitriolic rants about how much they absolutely despised asexual people, how we are single handedly oppressing gay people and trying to ban gay sex, how we want to be oppressed so badly, how straight we ‘basically’ are, how much asexual headcanons annoyed and disgusted them in fandom, etc. mind you, I had my sexuality in my bio at the time. I was very meek and naive (this was only a year ago lmao how times change) and decided to respond to the rants in the morning about how they made me feel. Went to bed, woke up, found out I had been softblocked on the false assumption that I was a dirty hidden proshipper because I had reblogged from someone with a username like antis solve nothing or something idk, again didn’t know what that was but actually was following them for their niche fandom meta, I learned later what the whole fandom shipping stuff was and don’t feel one way or another about it but am starting to think it was just an excuse to softblock me since she knew I was asexual lmao. Also how do I know she softblocked me for this? She made a post about it and called me a cockroach which… wow, where have I heard that one before… (I’m Jewish btw so if I’ve become accustomed to being compared to a bug) But this is all just backdrop. I blocked them and moved on with my life because tbh I don’t really give a fuck one way or another, but I started to receive death threats periodically from makeshift side blogs, occasionally from anonymous as well. They always say the same thing and I only get them once in a great while, so just going off that, there’s no way I’d be able to find out who actually sent them… except that the death threats also targeted my mutuals. Specifically, the mutuals who I tagged in the little ask games I was asked to participate in by the toxic mutual. So that’s why I think it’s them, and it’s honestly scary how far they’ve gone to circumvent my various blocks (I must’ve blocked them like 11 different times now) and ig. I dunno what to do. Or even if it is actually them. But I have a strong suspicion it is. What do you think?

I am so sorry you experienced that anon! I agree with your suspicion. This is very typical anti behavior. You’ve accidentally become their hyperfixation, and now they are stalking you.

There are ways to solve this problem without deleting your blog, but your friends might have to change their urls so they are no long being linked back to the ask game. (I assume the stalker in this scenario has reblogged the ask game already. Unfortunately, your solution is going to be complicated because changing your url will not prevent them from finding you.)

For all of your friends, I recommend blocking the stalker, changing your urls, and then all of you doing this:

Turn off anon. You can do this from the app and from the web browser. In the latter, it’s located under Edit Appearance.

Turn on invisibility. This is located in the web browser version under Edit Appearance at the way bottom.

Wait a month before switching back.

This is the bare minimum measure to prevent and avoid being harassed on tumblr. It is not foolproof, but it will force the cowards to think twice before harassing you. If they continue to harass you, they won’t be on anon when they do it and it will give you more credibility when you report them to tumblr for spam and harassment. (Though I don't believe I have ever seen the staff do anything about it... hellsite <3.)

There is a more complicated way to solve this problem, but it’s a headache. It involves deleting your blog.

If the above doesn't stop them from harassing you, or worse they come back to harassing you after a month, you may have to delete your blog. I would need to do a little more research before I can say how to do so without losing your url. Some sources say you can't use your url after 24 hours of changing or deleting a blog, but that has not been my experience with switching accounts. As far as I know, you will have to be very vigilant and fast to grab your url again. I am hoping to find some way to avoid that though.

Fortunately, tumblr has an export/import ability on the web browser so at least your posts can be saved and recovered. The same cannot be said for followers, following, and liked posts, so if you must take this option you will need to at least save the names of all your mutuals so you can follow them when your blog is up again.

#asks #anon #i am avoiding certain tags because i know the kind of people who lurk in them #i will also be disabling reblogs for this post for the same reason #if you need this information in the future please save a link or take a screenshot #thank you for the ask! and stay safe!

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze hide for fun

a lot of these are just stupid headcanons but a lot are also how i feel that’s just the way he is so

I know no one will read this it’s so very long but hello he’s my comfort character

(the words are under the cut bc THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS)

thoughts: It’s funny because most of the characters that I really love are just fucking idiots. So stupid. No thoughts head empty. And like at first glance you’d think the same with Hide, he’s got the look of a real dumbass, but he’s actually a really smart person? He just kind of, hides it. He did say he was like allergic to books once (it’s the adhd, king) but that doesn’t change the fact that he emotionally is actually a very intelligent person. It’s something he’s humble about because I don’t believe he really identifies with the intellectual crowd or sees himself as particularly above average, he just finds it easy to understand things. And he doesn’t ever use it for his own advantage even when it would be totally fine to do so, he pretty much always uses it to help other people and I think he believes if he used his strengths to help himself it would be, like, selfish. Which is a problem of his.

gemder n brand of gay: A lot of people in yonder Fandom like to see kaneki as bi and hide as gay but nah fam you’re off. Honestly I do not care about his Date With Rize in the slightest, that man is a homosexual. Hide is the bi one. (it’s not like this is a requirement or anything lmao i am just Saying also i’m bi and i’m projecting) I can also say with confidence that date with Rize was the only date Kaneki’s ever been on and he was definitely lying to himself. (i just, don’t know how you could look at Haise specifically and for one second think he has ever seen a boob) Hide’s the one who’s probably dated people before and he actually knows what’s attractive, he probably just doesn’t discuss that a lot with Kaneki since the bitch is Closeted and hide knows this. It’s funny because Hide canonically has two dads. Like I think that kind of explains him tbh. Bitch has good parents??? He’s the only one but we love him for it. U know Kaneki spent more of his life at Hide’s house than his own.

And as to gender, like obviously hide’s a guy, but i think he’s one of the few cisgenders who could like... tell you why. He’s well versed in those kinds of issues and has just thought about it a lot I guess? He’s comfortable in his skin and with a conventionally masculine appearance but he could tell you what Boy TM means other than yo macho man dude bro guy

personality type- ENFP-T: I took the fucking test for him and it was like... so easy. Took me ten minutes. 

basically what this means is it just calls him out as a fucken loud ass sunshine boy who has very many emotion and cares way too much about his friend

love how this part of the description describes kaneki and hide perfectly

biggest strength: he’s so good at helping people?? Like I can honestly say if some random person started rambling about their relationship issues to him I’d give him 10 minutes before he had a perfect solution, he had the person crying and being comforted in just the right way. He’s the perfect medium of confident and caring and he’s not just a fucking ray of sunshine on accident, he’s like, mob psycho 100 style actively working to be nice and compassionate. He’s very aware of how his actions affect people and he always knows just the right thing to say, what to do, when to just let things go or when to say them. And Hide will forgive, literally anything, even if someone does something really shitty to him he’ll realize it’s the product of like, unresolved mental issues or something and seek to fix it instead of cutting the person off. It’s... really good for everyone around him. But well,,, not great for him, see below.

biggest weakness: bitch does nOT leave room for himself. Although he is generally a confident person and isn’t very insecure, he knows he’s giving too much of himself and simply ‘pretend i do not see it but in reality i do’. He’s never put himself first and feels more worthy when he makes someone else happy, and it’s really not that visible but it can take a pretty big toll on him. He’ll feel anger and frustration for his problems but eventually he will end up blaming himself for anything that goes wrong and will just resolve to Try Harder. (which, mood) He does problem solve well and he tries to come up with the best solutions to issues but the fact is he just does not prioritize his own happiness within those solutions. He gives too much and it’s fucking killing him.

what he likes most about himself: Although he does have issues obviously, I don’t see Hide as someone who has particularly low esteem of himself. I think he pretty much thinks he has himself figured out and therefore other people’s problems come first. He generally does, think fondly of himself, because most of the time he can fix people’s problems so he’s yknow, a good person. I think he likes his ability to enjoy life and live in the moment, and he likes his connections and friendships with other people. He values emotional connection and he likes that he can easily create and enjoy good vibes. He loves being the one who everyone just... goes to for a good time.

favorite things: I think I heard somewhere that he enjoys dumb american bands without really understanding what they’re saying which seems very on brand for him, but I’m gonna perscribe him some other stuff too. Obviously he likes bright colors and comic books, and places where he can have fun with other people. He generally likes college, even though it’s like, school, and unlike kaneki he actually had a good childhood and he enjoys the places he spent time and formed good memories, he has Nostalgia TM (see unbelievable by owl city hmmm he vibes to that he was born in 1996 or something right i can’t google things) he also just really likes to just, fix other people’s problems but we’ve covered that. 

what he’s doing right and what he’s doing wrong: Hide is doing his best. He’s no less flawed than any of the other characters in tokyo ghoul, it’s just that his strategies tend to involve 100% less murder. Ok no, let me rephrase that, Hide is flawed, but i meant like emotionally, he’s not a war criminal like everyone else. He may seem at first glance like, just, perfect? Sorry for being a simp lmao but I feel like from the outside he’s just got it all together right? He knows what he’s doing and he’s super nice and helpful and smart and humble and just doesn’t have any visible flaws? He... tends to hide any evidence that he would ever be struggling. And that’s not very sexy of him. He feels it would be a burden on others to show pain or ever say he can’t take something on (if someone asked him to do something he’d do it even if he was already mentally at capacity etc) and that’s something he needs to work on. The good thing is that if they got to a point where after Kaneki’s Character Development they got to just... like, be happy and not be separated and everything Kaneki would be good for him because he compliments that. Hide helps him because he needs a lot of like, mental counseling lmao but now that Kaneki’s gone through a lot of that his eyes have been opened more to the fact that Hide hides his problems from Kaneki so if they could just bE HAPPY this is an issue that could be resolved

insecurities: I think Hide kind of believes he’s not allowed to be sad. Cause it’s like, not his job. He’s the source of happiness for everyone else, supposed to have everything together so he can fix everyone else’s problems. he’s not allowed to be in pain or feel bad for himself even though he knows “Boys Can Cry” it’s like, yes boys can cry, not me tho haha lmao it’s not about his masculinity it’s just he’s like “yeah but kaneki’s had it worse” so like if he finds himself in a bad place, he feels inadequate and like... fundametally broken. and it’s. Like. I felt that but also like king that’s not how it works

goal in life: I think he wouldn’t really be able to answer that question. What the truth would be is that he probably wants to do something grand and important that helps a lot of people and kind of changes the world. But he might not really think of it that way, since he’s usually focused more on smaller more isolated issues and he has no idea what he wants to do as a career. He admires activists and people who put themselves at risk but it probably makes him feel inferior that someone else is Doing Something About This Big Problem and he’s just sitting there riding around on his bisexual bike and being in college. (I’d like to say he’s probably changed majors at least a few times,,, that man was like “oh yeah lmao i’m gonna be a comic book artist” but someone said something about how he’s a good therapist and he’s like “brb kinshift i am now a psychology major” lmao.) (hello i am projecting but i’m right) He sees a tumblr post about some issue somewhere and he hyperfixates on it for days until he sees another post about something worse it’s an issue. But I think what he ended up doing was what he wanted to, even if he never recieved any recognition for it the internal sense that he was doing something Right TM in the eyes of history would probably make him cry

how he was raised: I can’t really say much to this because there’s barely any canon on this and the canon that does exist I have completely ignored other than the fact that he has two dads. Bro tbh? He didn’t need any tragic emo backstory I think he had a great childhood. Honestly he’s probably a rich kid. Not super rich but he’s not struggling man. Not gonna lie to you I think the only reason he went to Kamii was because he wanted to be at the same college as Kaneki who probably got a scholarship. Hide, didn’t. (it’s not like he’s not intelligent but I don’t really think that his grades are his biggest priority, the only time he ever pays attention in class is to give kaneki the answers when he’s gone) 

What irks me about the random lore drop in the last chapter about him having a CCG dad that died or whatever- it kind of ruins the whole point for me. Personally I choose to believe he had nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls or the ccg before all that happened to Kaneki. He probably had correct opinions on them, but only like, in theory, it’s like straight people that are like “yeah ofc gay ppl valid” but they’ve never really had any personal experience with any. So when he gets involved in that- the fact is that the only reason he was... was bc of kaneki. It was never more complicated than that to me. YKNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST, NICE, OK? 

And I think for me that the fact that he could actively choose to be nice and be aware of all these problems when he’s practically got every advantage in life is a lot more important. He didn’t have to be poor or have a dead parent or have a shitty childhood for him to be really genuinely good. I don’t think he’s ever been bullied or anything, but he can still be aware that it sucks to be bullied. I think he was just... raised right. I think his dads are probably pretty fucking baller for him to be such a bro. They taught him the right shit.

General philosophy: Hide is one of the only people in the series for whom the dynamics of right and wrong are not hard to understand. He’s never been required to pick up a weapon or actually truly fight in the CCG, he’s never been really mean to anyone. Of course I can say he’s probably decked a few ppl that made fun of Kaneki in middle school, but haven’t we all. The thing is that though he’s never suffered at the hands of others, everything that’s hurt him he’s gone in fully consenting to it- he can still understand and forgive what everyone else has done. Like bro he’s the literal only one around who’s not like a literal war criminal, but he’s not going to think he’s better because of it, because he understands that if he had been in their circumstances he couldn’t say how he would have turned out. 

That’s why I think it’s so important that he never really had a bad childhood- he’s not better than them for turning out without any blood on his hands, because he was never required to. And he knows that and he goes through every day with all these people who have and is conscious of it. He can’t ever say he’s incapable of hurting other people, because he would have said that about Kaneki before all of it happened. So he’s quite politically correct compared to Kaneki and the others but he doesn’t see things that way.

relationship bullshit: i mean bro i know this is a serious post about like psychological and emotional things but i felt the need to discuss whY does everyone write hide as a bottom I mean like sure he’d bottom if his partner was a top but this is simply not the case with kaneki look at him. Hide. Service top. I rest my case. The man’s the biggest switch ever but when he’s a top he’s a nice top. I think Kaneki needs that to be perfectly honest. He really likes to take care of people. Also kind of off topic but his love language is quality time he just wants to play video games wit da homies and he might fall in love a bit

I find it genuinely funny how much i cannot get away from the tentacle porn on the god forsaken archive of our own just looking at the tags i already know it’s so out of character haitoheoihesdsdsa and don’t get me started on the vore

how kaneki sees him vs how he actually is: One of the biggest problems in kaneki and hide’s relationship is how in the beginning, Kaneki didn’t really understand at all that Hide could be hiding anything from him. Kaneki’s not good at picking up clues like that in general, but the fact that he was hiding so much himself didn’t help at all. Hide gives off the vibe of someone who has no inhibitions and shows every side of himself without hesitation, and Kaneki really does idolize that. He didn’t realize that Hide could possibly be suffering or imperfect compared to his vision. He sees Hide as practically an angel, and that’s exactly how Hide wants Kaneki to see him, because he doesn’t want to burden Kaneki with his own problems since he believes they’re not as important and they would make Kaneki sad. Kaneki knew Hide wasn’t as oblivious as he seemed, but he didn’t really understand what that meant until too late. The good thing about Kaneki’s character development though is that it then helps Kaneki understand that Hide was suffering because of him and he didn’t want Hide to hide it anymore (lmao). If they’d only executed that point well that could have been really good but well that’s what fanfic is for

how he sees kaneki vs how kaneki actually is: This one’s a lot more difficult, because well. Hide’s very good at knowing exactly how people are in their hearts, compared to Kaneki. But there are definitely some things that he’s not super up on. He wasn’t around for a lot of Kaneki’s development, so most of the time I think he still believes Kaneki doesn’t want to see his pain, which is, simply incorrect, Kaneki would obviously not be happy to hear it but it would tear him up inside to realize he’s been oblivious to it the whole time. He’s grown a lot more mature since he spent most of his time with Hide, and I really think Hide could benefit from being able to open up to Kaneki the way he is now. And well. I think his biggest misconception has to be that Kaneki enjoyed women lmao

the most him thing i’ve ever done: listening to a happy upbeat song and visibly bopping while also uncontrollably sobbing

miscellaneous headcanons: 

-he’s a morning person lmao. Motherfucker gets up at 6 AM and Kaneki is like PL EA SE NO

-what he finds attractive is like. twinks and girls with hair in colors that don’t exist and ppl who don’t know what gender is

-He likes Imagine Dragons lmao you can see by the next point

-his coping mechanisms are mostly music and other people tbh he’s like “oh i am having emotions? disgusting” *goes to a party*

-he plays dnd and he mains a warlock i don’t make the rules

-he doesn’t look like someone who would do that shit but he probably knows how to use tarot cards

-idk how but that motherfucker is so neurodivergent i can smell the hyperempathy on him look at that man he has so much adhd

-he’s fully aware that his fashion sense is terrible and continues to wear more and more ridiculous clothes to piss kaneki off

-this man has tungle dot fuck. Look at him. His url is probably something along the lines of my ao3 username lmao

-he can see the forbidden shrimp colors smh

-this bitch likes mob psycho 100 and the promised neverland, kaneki keeps telling him to watch death note and he’s just like n   o hhsdfhhfdshdfshdfs he probably kins tpn emma

-he doesn’t know how to drive lmao he bikes everywhere and he lives in tokyo

-i am once again thinking about how he was in a play with kaneki and kaneki was the main character and he was the spicy side character that’s not a headcanon just. that

songs that are, him: 

-Stand By You (Rachel Platten)

-Luck (American Authors)

-Love (Imagine Dragons)

-If I Lose Myself (One Republic)

-Stardust (New Politics)

-Secrets (also one republic)

-Flaws (Bastille)

-100 Bad Days (AJR)

-I Lived (another one republic lmao)

-Battle Scars (Paradise Fears)

-Rise Up (Imagine Dragons)

yeah he definitely listens to this shit lmao

#tokyo ghoul #hideyoshi nagachika #hidekane #kanehide #jesus christ i am hyperfixated #rowan's hyperfixation essays

[petewentzisblack1312]

I feel like such a fake fan when I say this but idk I got into FOB during AB/AP era, and I was already of the mindset that their pre-hiatus stuff was better even though I was like, 7 back then lmao. But anyway I remember vividly watching the y&m video when it dropped and being like “wow I hate this” and I didn’t give mania a chance at all after that. I think it was the abrasive chorus and just feeling like they were selling out (which I realize now is NOT what they were doing)

Anyway I recently got back into FOB (not that I ever really stopped listening to them but I just got into a hyperfixation again) and idk a couple mania songs would come on Pandora that I liked, like HOLD ME TIGHT OR DONT and The Last of the Real Ones… but anyway I decided to listen to it in full and… it’s hands down the best album they’ve put out since they came back from hiatus. It’s the sharpest Pete’s lyrics have been since then, it sounds amazing… I wish I’d given it a chance when it came out.

I don’t think y&m was the best lead off single, IMO it should have been HOLD ME TIGHT but… y&m does get too much hate. And I’ve really grown to like it now. I think that for me now I also listen to Nine Inch Nails obsessively, like I listen to pretty much everything Trent Reznor touches nowadays bc he is another music brain I truly would love to understand - on the level of Patrick tbh. But NIN was always doing weird instrumental shit and while they never chopped up vocals like y&m, it reminds me of them tbh, like pushing envelopes and seeing what you can do with music if you bring programming and computer shit in that my brain cannot comprehend but listens to and goes “hmmmm very nice”. It took me three years to come back to y&m but I appreciate it much more now bc I have expanded my music taste in general over the years. Idk I think bc y&m was more like electro or whatever I assumed they were trying to cash in on trends? But that wasn’t even what was popular then? Like no one was doing what they did with the chorus of a song as far as I know. But I know it did turn me off from listening to the album and I’m mad at myself but at least I have given it a fair chance now and got to experience Church bc oml it tingles my lapsed Catholic nerve endings.

y&m very much is not a single at all. like i dont mean its a bad single i mean it literally isnt a single, its an artsy experimental song, and i do agree that there are better lead singles to hook people onto the album like hmtod or even stay frosty but releasing y&m first wasnt a mistake on their part, they literally expected that exact reaction. im not sure exactly why they wanted to get the weird stuff out there first for the album impression, maybe to establish this was a more serious album from ab/ap? but i respect the decision to put out the most polarizing and weird song first to get the whole "we like your older stuff better" deal over with. like it didnt do them any favours but i think that was the plan. people acted like them saying "this isnt a single" was just saving face but its literally not a single. they released it as one, but its not written like one. one criticism i heard was that the lyrics were too much like a rap song. selling out indeed smh.

also. boy do i relate to listening to church while being excatholic. i love perverting christian symbology so much. its like the opposite of conversion therapy.

#dils declares #once i wrote a good omens fanfic comparing sucking dick to communion. #because no one else was gonna smh

[shadow--link]

List of things that I don't get because Ganon sucked as a 'parent' and I hate humans but the list gets more concerning the more you read it

uh tw this is kinda a vent

1: People liking 'toe beans' What is so cool about an animal's feet grippers. and like, I saw them on a fersona and they had human hands..that is very imprracticall..just..why

2: Calling things cute. it fucking makes me sick. I hear it so much I wanna burn something. Like people calling a shirt cute and the shirt is one piece of a cloth that barly covers their breasts. No. It's not cute, it's gross.

3: Sticking your tongue out trying to be cute/sexy The amount of rage that boils inside me when I see someone stick out their tongue is insane. I feel so fucking pissed and I don't know why. I wanna punch them in the face and rip out their tongue then burn it.

4: People that I look up to liking something I know shit about I feel bad that I don't know this thing you really like and I wanna relate with you but if all you talk about is this thing I know nothing about I feel dumb and stupid like I wanna cry and why am I your friend when we have nothing in common..I just feel bad and I hate it and I don't know why.

5: Not knowing 100% of a hyperfixation Like I kinda enjoy the DreamSMP but there's things in it that I don't know..it took me weeks to figure out what o7 meant (it's a salute) and like EVERYONE knew what it was and I didn't and I felt like a fake fan cause I don't know what this thing is and it's CLEARLY IMPORTANT but I don't know what it is cause I joined the fandom late and now I'm the stupid one

6: any word that ends in 'isum' Like... "oh nooo the people that have more meletonin then me are evil" the fuck. Why is that even a thing. "Oh no, person have boobie and coochie. Person stupid. I have penis. I smart." why. Y'all are all Hylians. Just..fucking GAH stAHP with it. It makes no sense. What's so bad about someone being a different colour then you? IT'S A FUCKING COLOUR GUHHHHHH also "oh no man kissed another man the world is gonna end." Why. THey're just kissing. I don't..H

7: I can't remember shit for shit Why is forgetting things a thing. I hate it. SOmetimes I can't remember what my favorite "insert noun here" is! Like someone will ask me "Hey what's your favorite food??" And I don't fucking know! WHY DON'T I FUCKING KNOW?? IT'S mY FAVORITE FOOD! I SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS! But I don't.. like, I think it's sushi.. but now that I think about it, sushi is kinda gross. So it could be pizza.. but.. ok there's nothing bad about pizza, but..I sound like a dumb little kid saying that..

8: I'm close to being an adult Ganon forced me to grow up from a young age. I don't remember my childhood..probably because I didn't have one. Man, this thouht hurts the most.. I've been forced to mature far before I'm ready..I'm still 15..I'm still a kid...but no, I'm almost 16 and at 16 I HAVE to get a job or I'll just be sitting around the castle like a worthless sack of fleash... and well, I am in a batter situation now, I'm living in the castle with Link and his family.. no longer with abusive Ganon.. but Link's Dad is still scary when he yells...and he expects me to work when I'm 16 and to stop mooching off of him in my mid 20's...but... I don't feel like I'm ready.. I can't function on my own... I really can't...and..I finally worked up the courage to tell Zelda that.. but Link's Dad heard me say that, and he said "So I've failed you? It's my job to prepare you for the outside world!"..or something like that.. it made me feel so upset.. I ran out of the room and fled to my bed to cry, and wanting to die.. I'm not suicidal. I'm scared of death. But in that moment..I really wanted to die.

9: Talking about feelings I never vent. This is like the 3rd time I've vented. Besides in Among Us. hheh, sorry. I couldn't help myself..humor is how I cope with stuff. Guess I now understand why the 'funny friend' in memes is portrayed as sad when alone..cause at the end of the day, that's what I am. Alone. with no one to talk too. Guess that's why I went back to this blog to vent.. Link might see this and talk to me, though. And I know Vio will be talking through him. Just hope he doesn't scold me about putting this on Tumbler lol........what was I saying.. oh right.. talking about feelings is hard for me. When I was young, before Ganon stole me from my homeland, I was always an outcast. The one time I went to school, everyone hated me. Now that I look back, it's probaly cause I have autism and ADHD. Well, I might have them. Not diagnosed yet. But Me and Zelda have done the reasurch. A tone of it. And there's no way I'm nerotypical. But anyway. No one wanted to be my friend when I was a child. Probably why Ganon took me away. I wouldn't be missed. And I wasn't. Only a few remembered who I was when I returned to Lorole after breaking the mirror. I spelled that wrong but don't care. And the friends I made as a kid...I couldn't find them..and any friends I did make...man..I was such an asshole towards. I.. was transphobic towards this one friend...I feel so bad about it. I hate how I used to act. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much I just wanna- no. that's not me anymore. No more killing.

10: The medical system Why do ya gotta wait years to get diagnosed for mental disorders. WHy do you gotta be an adult to get trans uh helping surgery. Why do ya gotta wait till 16 to get on hormone blockers. THEY AIN'T GONNA BLOCK SHIT NO MORE, I ALREADY WENT THROUGH PUBORTY AND IT ENDED AT LIKE 14 FOR ME!... at least my chest is small. I am so greatful that my chest is small and can be hidden in a bif shirt. "bUt ShAdOw LiNk, YoU'rE a BoY" well I'm glad you think that, asshole. SOmetimes, when a Lohian/shadow/shade is born, they're the oppaside of Hylians, right? Well, sometimes the gender is reversed as well..so...Link is male, I was born a female. Hada stupid ass name that sounds like raw-vio lmao. But I didn't like that. So I changed..I.. wanted to be Link, but different.. so I called myself Lync, cause that looks cool. But Ganon was like "No, that sounds like Link, and he's an asshole. Don't call yourself Lync." So he called me Shadow Link.. and well, that's the only thing Ganon has done to me that I don't hate...but now that I think about it, I kinda relate to the Lohian god Loki and wanna call myself that instead. But anyway..when I failed at anything, Ganon would call me by my deadname. I hated it.. when I would win, he would call me Shadow Link. And I started to hate my deadname...now I hate it cause it's too girly. Reminds me of the old old me. I think I got off track. oh well.

this had been a list of shit that pisses me off. There might be more to add to this but I'm sad, it's late, and I don't want Link yelling at me. Goodnight.

#shadow link #tw #vent #tw vent #vent tw #yelling tw #tw suicide mention #no I'm not self projecting at all what do you mean #ok maybe I am #but like i never vent and shit has been building up inside me and i don't know any other way to let it out #so i let it out through shadow link #that's how i let out all my anger #by pretending to be someone im not #......guess i really am them #heh

[smiledog15578]

for the ask meme you recently reblogged, how about 📌🎥💕 and 🍀? IM SORRY IF IM OVERDOING THIS BTW you can only answer one of them if you don't feel like doing the others!!! idk i just like hearing people gush about their hyperfixations it makes me really happy :')

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

For the fnaf fandom: i found it through my mom! When it came out my mom was like "have you heard of this game" and i said no and she told me about it and at first i was a bit confused. I remember thinking that it was about a sleepover at a guy named freddys HDAJJDJS SO YEA I WAS HELLA CONFUSED but sooner or later i became hooked on it. It really got me into horror stuff (i was a huge scardy cat and still am kinda but not as much as i was back then).

For the markiplier universe: ok so lets get to a cringe moment here. I was a fan of him but i was even a more fan of him in like 2016? And lets just say i got more into it cause of well the septiplier thing which i hate bringing it up but i might as well be honest about it lol ( i hate septiplier now dont worry). But yea that got me more engaged with markiplier and jacksepticeye's content! I eventually grew out of jacks stuff and just stuck with marks content instead. Over time tho ive had an off and on relationship with the markiplier stuff cause i just,,, im slowly growing put of him but then i come back to his stuff its just a love hate relationship lol

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

For the fnaf fandom: omg hiw can i decide LMAO. I love almost every character on this story but my all time faves have to be michael or william afton. Michael just seems like a cool dude whos trying to make things right and i love that about a character! Plus he can draw and i wont shut up about that part HFJSJD just little things about character make me go "DKDJKDKD🥺💕💕💕" for no reason lol. And i love william as a character cause hes just so fascinating to me. Plus he feels like a real person whichbis even more terrifying in my opinion (other than the whole him come back to life thing but i hope you get what i mean). Hes not some "haha im edgy and i love knifes haha blood yes blood!!" Type killer (wow i just described my oc lol) but hes got real motives and reasons to killing. I also HDHDJD SORRY BUT i love his voice that PJ gave him. Its so trusting yet like- ew no thanks stranger danger

For the markiplier universe: ANOTHER TRICKY QUESTION LMAO. But my faved have to be wilford and dark as always. Wilford is my favorite cause hes so funny and sweet and just ugh i love that in a character. To me a good trope is cute yet a killer i guess lmao. And i love dark cause hes not a true villian but a villian? He has a villian lool but really he just wants to make things right and is overall a sweet heart as the santa ego said lol

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?

From the fnaf fandom: OH YES I DO. I dont kin (i dont think😳) but Michael is a huge comfort character for me! Oh and also vanny too. Them bitches help me alot when im sad or just need something to daydream about

For the markiplier fandom: hmm probably dark,wilford, and yan HDJEJ THE FAM THING IVE BEEN DOING FOR LIKE YEARS. something about that dynamic fills a hole in my heart that really makes me happy. Now i wouldnt say i have such a terrible family or anything! I love my family to bits but when things get difficult with my own family i kinda escape to that :)

#i wrote so much JFJEJFJY MY APOLOGIES

[kachinnate]

reblogn’t, there’s nothing too triggery about this it’s just semi personal re: how one of my ex-best friends ruined lgw from b//mc for me and also just like... in the same vein the Less Discussed portion of my spring of ‘19 Traumas bc this ex-best friend out of 3 caused the least damage and therefore in my mind he got away with a lot more

i’ve just been thinkin about it a lot, idk. i don’t think i’ve ever talked about this specific thing to anyone (explicitly or in detail) and it’s bothered me for so long and i know talking about it on here fixes nothing rlly but.. idk! some kayla lore if you wanted it, mayhaps this will get deleted in like ten minutes after being posted so get it hot while you can

just for context my junior year of high school (aka the Worst One) i drove my at-the-time best friend to school every day -- we lived like a street away from each other, and he didn’t like the Bus and he wasn’t always able to take his mom’s car because we both did theatre together and therefore would be at the school for a Long Ass Time, and like... he was my friend! so i drove him to school! and.. in times like that, it was a good incentive to get myself up, too, cuz shit was lowkey rough back then and i’d feel bad if i made both of us late. 

said best friend was super into musical theatre - like, he wanted to be a musical theatre major, so he’s super well versed on like Most Musicals all the classics w/e .. snob doesn’t feel like the right word bc sometimes he genuinely Did like stuff that was simply Silly/dumb for the sake of it being Silly/dumb but it’s the closest word i can think of. i was constantly embarrassed that my favorite musical was d//eh, and to this day he still barely knows anything about it because 1. he himself didn’t listen/pay much attention to it and 2. despite it literally being my hyperfixation since like my sophomore year, i didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it bc of what few criticisms he gave it. but he did know it was my fav, he knew that i had a Love for w/rol bc i talked abt him a lot. 

lgw was the first thing from b//mc broadway to get released - and i know like 3-4 different versions of it got released too lmao but this was like the Very First One, i’d never heard it before! i didn’t realize it’d been released until i was idling in front of his house so naturally i was like “oh bet let’s listen to it together” 

he didn’t really like b//mc either for the same reasons he didn’t like d//eh, but it was like... much less so, idk - he liked m//itb so like i figured it was indifference at best.. but regardless uh my fuckin car i’m gonna listen to it if i want to <3 also like if it was good i doubt he’d care abt what it was from 

anyway, he got in, and i played it. the drive to school isn’t that far, so it finished like, while we were in the busy lane waiting to turn into our high school

and like i was really “:DD” bc like it was good that w/rol note held out at the end was kinda Magical and also in context of the musical??? wow YES jeremy finally getting his Protagonist Song(tm) he deserves it and it makes me feel !!!

i hadn’t said anything yet, but literally the first words out of my friend’s mouth were some semblance of “wow, that was terrible” which like. yeah. killed the mood pretty quick skdjgnsdf

he like started digging Into it like making fun of the chorus and will’s voice and i was kinda just quiet like “oh,,, i guess,,” bc i didn’t know what else to do, like i felt bad immediately trying to defend it bc i’d only heard it that One time and also confrontation is hard and confrontation specifically w him was hard, especially bc he was like Genuinely ragging on the song, not in a jokey way

and like.... he eventually stopped because he could tell i was genuinely getting distressed and he kept going like “hey it’s nbd kayla it’s not like you wrote the song” which jsdkgsd to this day i’m not sure what that means or why he thought it’d be comforting but. whatever. the whole thing made me feel really bad and inferior 

in the coming weeks of the actual b//mc soundtrack getting released he also made fun of ilpr at one point, how st/ephanie h/su was “”too much”” or something - idk. those criticisms didn’t bug me as much bc at that point i’d already been resigned about the whole thing, and it’s not like i played that song for him and he said that, he’d listened to it on his own time and just thought for some reason to mention it to me. 

and it’s frustrating, because i can’t even be like “he just doesn’t like new musicals”, bc he really liked h//adestown and there’s usually a musical or two from the tony’s every year he gets into, it was just like... the ones i liked he didn’t [pensive] and i know i know it wasn’t personal, he’s just LIKE that, but .... aughhh it really bothered me when he’d dig into stuff i liked and was always just like “u didn’t write it u didn’t make it” like that was supposed to make my interest in this Thing despite his Distaste ok.... 

and like despite this he was still the person i was closest to - this was merely a blip in the whole grand scheme of things, just.. something that bugged me. it took me until after i graduated to realize he’d been a sociopath, that he was never choosing me, i was just.. around, which. sucks. i spent a lot of time sitting with him in my car in front of his house talking about musicals and life for more hours than i’d like to admit. when he broke down crying on his 18th birthday telling us that he didn’t know if he’d ever be enough, i thought that i’d actually started to understand him. 

he’d been my ‘best friend’ since elementary school. i dated him at one point before we both realized we were queer. we’d been the only two seniors who’d been in every show together. despite all the bullshit, he was always there. he assimilated to the personality of our friend group every year when we were around different people, but he was still around, i was still always there for him - he couldn’t assimilate to my personality because to him there were no traits to take, we’d known each other for too long. 

a couple weeks into senior year, i full on sobbed to him in my car telling him about how he and the friend group made me feel so bad last year, told him about how i stopped taking my meds during the musical. he told me that he had no idea that i was feeling like that, that he didn’t know. but i’d driven him to school every day.

the last time we’ve talked in person was march 14th, the last day school for the 2019-2020 year was in session. 

i haven’t taken it off, but i skip lgw whenever it comes on my musical playlist because it still makes my chest feel tight.

#i keep having dreams about him #because a couple of days ago my friend posted a picture of him #and it's been the first time i've seen his face since march 14th #in a sick kind of way i miss him #he never understood me intrinsically but i still talked to him as if he did #he knows so much about me but i feel like i know nothing about him #i added the //s everywhere bc i didn't want this popping up into any tags #but uh yeah i still haven't fully recovered from it i don't think :'D idk just a thought! #garbage.txt #irrelevant #longpost #long post #i didn't proofread this at all lol so if u actually read it looking for coherency i Apologize #the only exception for lgw is when i saw it live #but that's bc being in ny w someone i rlly care abt outweighed the unnecessary second hand embarrasment #also w/rol! in the flesh!!!

[frenchibi]

hey, so i thought maybe you could tell us a little what you're currently interested in? ♥ like, what have you been doing during quarantine, are there any new shows you watched that you enjoyed a lot, did you maybe take up a new hobby or something? :)

Hello!! I did not forget this lovely message, I was just in no state to answer (who’d have thought that recovery from surgery is, y’know, taxing) BUT I’M BACK NOW and ohhhh do you know what you’ve unlocked by asking me this question...?? I cannot give you a comprehensive list but I can tell you a couple of the things that I got into during quarantine, and the things I am currently super passionate about! My memory is, uh, not great but thankfully I do journal and write down things so I am confident I can answer this for you :D (plus I do always love recommending things so - aaa??? Thank you for this ask????)

Putting things under a cut because I physically cannot chill but if tl;dr I want you to take away one thing from this it’s that everyone should read Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. Thoughts below.

(Also. I would love to go off about my interests more on here but am not sure what... shape that should ideally take? Text posts? IDK pls give me suggestions, help me out?? dfhasjkldf)

Movies

I have not seen many, but I can and will scream about The Old Guard over and over because... it was everything I never knew I needed in an action movie?? I don’t reblog many things about it anymore but I love love LOVED it!!

Also, upon recommendation by one of my friends from India, I have been delving into the world of Bollywood movies and WOW Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara was so fucking good??? idk if it’s on Netflix in every country but it is in mine and I highly recommend it. It’s thoughtful, honest, emotional and shot absolutely gorgeously, and it also has that cheesiness that is just... so good... sometimes you just need the cheese y’know???

(Side note, 2020 was the year I saw Pride and Prejudice (2005) for the first time and I am a changed woman. It is now my ultimate comfort movie. Please see it if you have not, I cannot believe it took me this long. I saw it for the first time on an airplane (in january... a lifetime ago) and have seen it many, many times since.)

TV Shows

So, to everyone’s shock but especially my own, I have not really been into TV lately? I watched The Boys because my brother recommended it (it’s good, but gorey and pulls no punches, the R rating is deserved), and recently started watching Jujutsu Kaisen because my sister recommended it (I haven’t watched a new anime in like a year which is kinda wild to me? But I am enjoying this one - the opening SLAPS and what I’ve seen so far has been fun! Plus I’m watching it with my sister and I like sending her reactions xD),,, and that’s pretty much it for this category?? I am aware there is a LOT of good shit out there I just.. .don’t seem to have the attention span for multiple episodes of a Thing these days. Meh. I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually ^^

Musical Theater

One of the main reasons I think I haven’t been big into TV is because my Musical Passion is in FULL SWING (haha get it). Probably because the only thing that has remained for me during this quarantine is my singing lessons (and lemme tell you... over skype, that shit is ROUGH but still better than not singing at all) and I have been obsessing over learning new songs and finding shows through recommendations and compilation videos on youtube... So.

Shows I listen to a lot these days include Starry, Anastasia, The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals, Come From Away (I made a post recently specifically about musicals, you should be able to find it under #French speaks) - specific songs in my range that I am currently learning and obsessing over include “Bring on the men” from Jekyll and Hyde, “The Mad Hatter” from Wonderland, “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2 (I liked it ok I DID), and “Go Tonight” from The Mad Ones (this one makes me cry... I’m making my sister duet it with me bc I can’t stop thinking about it).

Also, if you’re interested in hearing me sing things, head over to my instagram where I post covers (and also art)!!

(Musical people, I am curious to hear opinions about Great Comet, and also The Count of Monte Cristo - two shows I’ve been meaning to check out!)

Video Games

Listen. Animal Crossing New Horizons is awesome and I’m glad I have it (...give me Brewster back, Nintendo, or I WILL RIOT), but I have been branching out into other games for the Switch (might as well make this purchase worth it amirite) - current faves include Celeste (which is SO HARD but also SO FUCKING FUN) and Spiritfarer which I specifically bought to play at the hospital bc I knew I was going to be there for a few days, and let me tell you - best decision of 2020. Please watch the trailer if you haven’t heard of it, it’s GORGEOUS and beautiful and emotional and I loved every second of it. Both of these can also be purchased for PC and I think they are definitely worth the investment!!

In other news I’m back on my Stardew Valley bullshit. It’s just so calming.I revisit it a lot lmao

Books

So... I have been reading. A LOT. I read over 70 books this year, which for me is... average tbh? I have had some less productive reading months but overall I have torn through stuff and BOY do I have recommendations if you want them?? For the sake of brevity I will only mention a few here:

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space”. That is all. This was my first five star fiction book of the year and I will never be done screaming about it. There is a dedicated but smallish fandom here on tumblr and it deserves SO MUCH MORE. Please, please please. Everyone should read this damn book. It’s confusing in the beginning but I promise it’s worth it IT’S SO GOOD!! And also the sequel is out and it’s also confusing and SO GOOD!!!

Educated by Tara Westover. This is an autobiography and it’s one of those books that like. Stick in your mind for months after you’ve read it. It’s about how this woman escaped an abusive household that was religiously oppressive and also like... survivalist (prepping for the apocalypse) and avidly believed in conspiracy theories - by educating herself, working her way up to going to Harvard. Nothing I say could do the emotional impact of this book justice - and also just, the perspective this book gave me?? Incredible. Education is the most powerful tool and this woman grabbed it by the hair and did not let go and I was FLOORED. Everyone should read this. I don’t even usually read biographies but DAMN.

The Winternight trilogy by Katherine Arden.(Book 1 is called The Bear and the Nightingale). This is a bit of a slow burn type deal - it’s a retelling of a Russian fairy tale (I think?? Or like a folk... story? Something like that) and it is just. So magical. It’s not fast paced but it works up to FANTASTIC moments, the focus is on family and magic and change and “making your own way” and all three of these books were wonderful. It reminded me of Naomi Novic’s Uprooted and Spinning Silver (both of which I also loved back in 2019 and would highly recommend) and they are PERFECT winter reads if you’re looking for something to get cozy with. I liked book 1 well enough but books 2 and 3 knocked it out of the park. Fantastic. Loved them.

I have many more recs but this will do for now hahah

Music

Gonna keep this brief too - my music taste is all over the place, but here are some songs I have been obsessed with recently!! Beware of genre whiplash though because these are Very Different from one another (and different from the musical theater stuff above)

Factories - Autoheart (that bridge gets me every time, idk why. This is one I could have on repeat for hours and not get tired of it either. Something about it just gets me!!)

History Read - The Altogether (The lyrics!! Tbh the entire Silo album is GREAT, but this one is my fave. Their music is so... mellow, in the best way??)

Weather Man - Valley of Wolves (ok this one is just a banger. I’m a sucker for a good sing-along-able hook (that’s not a word. you get me though right) and this fucking DELIVERS. I also just think “I make these dark skies blue, I make these mountains move, let the rain come down, I’m pushing through.... [pause] ... ‘cause I’m the weather man” is such good execution of a concept?? That PAUSE GETS ME it’s just SO FUN?!?! idk man I like a good upbeat banger and this is that.)

I believe (get over yourself) - Nico Vega (this one is just a callout at myself tbh?? “you’re a fool” I AM and I needed to hear it?? It’s also SO FUN to sing!!! We love a banger.)

Kiss me you animal - Burn the Ballroom (mentioning this mainly because it reminded me, lyrically, of Gideon the Ninth and I need someone to confirm this for me before I go insane?? “everybody knows that home is where your teeth sink, love” - I mean c’mon??? Also it’s a banger. I do like some rock from time to time... and this also has a killer driving bassline. This is super fun to drive to, too!!)

((If we have overlap and anyone wants to exchange playlists with me - I am SO here for it. Always looking for new music!!! I mean it!!))

Youtube

Last and certainly not least... meet my newest hyperfixation!!! I have always loved watching video essays, and booktube videos, and arttube videos - and my current niche of favorite creators is the Polygon video team!! They made videos about video games and board games and anything gaming-related and I just. I’m only peripherally a “gamer(TM)” but I love anything and everything they create. (Also you don’t have to know much about video games to enjoy all of their content!! A lot of it is still accessible to Non-Gamers(TM) or casual gamers!) BDG is my new favorite creator, the Unraveled series he does on the channel is a work of genius - but I have also started watching their streams and older series and I am enjoying myself SO MUCH! I love boardgames so their series on them, Overboard, is so fun and entertaining (and I already know a bunch of games I want to buy based on seeing the gameplay), and it also made me invested in the other creators - particularly Simone, I would die for Simone?? And Pat? And Jenna? They each have their niche and they work really well together too and their videos are my Main Serotonin Machine in these trying times(TM), thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Also. If you’re already following me here and you are familiar with Polygon things I BEG YOU TO COME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM because I am like, bursting, but I also don’t want to flood my dash with stuff that 99% of my followers are unfamiliar with y’know??

...I think I’m going to leave it at this - it’s already a lot!

But thank you once again for asking and for letting me Go Off about things I am interested in!! I just... I very often wish I could do this more, but I’m not sure how to go about it? Should I just do text posts about things?? Would that be interesting to anyone?? Or is that like, annoying? Should I start a review blog or something? dhfajkldhf I just want to talk about things that excite me, but whenever I’m here I often just stick to reblogging other people’s stuff... help?? What do y’all want to see??

#French speaks #rec #media recs #book rec #thank you so much for this seriously

[recordmcqueen]

when ppl ask me why im anxious

sorry i just have a lot going on n i kinda need to vent 

uhh trigger warning for a bunch of stuff? dont bother reading but if u are gonna click then just beware

this education system freaking sucks theres like 13h till school is supposed to start but i havent heard a peep from either of my teachers so uhhhh lmao what the heck wHAT IS GOING ON SOMEONE TELL ME SOMETHING PLS HHHHHH

ive been swinging between feeling bitter and spiteful and just plain sad cause heck i cant stop feeling lonely like ive basically limited myself to tumblr to avoid certain toxic individuals but even here its just so dead n lonely and i feel awful for underappreciating the people who are here for me on this hecksite but god a hyperfixation is a hyperfixation and ngl im kinda miserable :’)) not to be “not like other X” but fr theres a thousand ways i fail to relate from timezones to socmed platforms to talents and just hhhhhh yeah ive had way too much drama and bad experiences and i kinda wanna move but i also feel guilty again for underappreciating the ppl who Do support me and im just perpetually torn between wanting to feel accepted and wanting to just break away from All of Them and hhhhhh it just plagues my mind and wont go away :’))

the weight loss is so confusing and stressful cause i just end up feeling bloated and everything feels out of proportion and im so tiredddd all the time and just hhhh i want my body to look normal and my clothes to fit the way they used to :’))

university applications are coming up real soon and idfk what im doing like ye im pre sure im going into psych but god is it even worth it?? and then whereeeee do i apply like hhhhhhhhhh

cause like my dad is anxious as i am abt where to work hes got a job in bc which he loves but he just got an offer in ontario which is like TORONTO!!! but like uni there is so expensive and he really does like his bc job but the perks of being based in ontario like also cause all the social life is there?? hhhhhhhhh and hes constantly debating it and asking for our advice and man u know im indecisive hhhhhh

im always irritable and annoyed and ive been sleep-deprived for this past week and gosh look at school tomorrow :’))) it just gets so overwhelming ahahahaha

not to mention the depressive episode i had a few weeks ago we went to the doctor n talked abt it n the lab results should be in soon but oh gosh those episodes mess me up so bad like my train of thought is effed up and this time was even worse than the first cause this time i was at home and had access to a blade so ofc i just went for it but what iff next time (is there even gonna be a next time?? like i thought it was a one time thing but then it happened again and im???) and im scared ill be in an even riskier position hhhhhh i dont Want to hurt myself but,,,i also kinda wanna do?

i keep having thoughts of not deserving life and just how my presence isnt worth much to other ppl and how i end up hurting the ppl who Do care and just being hurt over and over but gaslit every time so ofc i end up feeling like every bad thing that happens to me is inherently my fault and god im so tired im so tired of having to reach out every time in attempts to communicate and make rationality of whatever mess my headspace is hhhh and im not a good enough student or friend or fan or Anything at least ill be good dead???

im not actively trying to hurt myself most of the time but its just that lingering feeling of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and every moment of happiness is so Fleeting and dont get me wrong im doing Better but Better is still Bad so :’))))

on top of that i feel god awful for neglecting people who care abt me all while continuing to complain about being lonely lotus i am so sorry i barely check whatsapp idk why i just dont have the energy but you deserve better than that :’))

and ofc being surrounded by hypocrisy gets real draining so ahahahahahaha

therapy is $$$ but venting to tumblr under a readmore?? free real estate binches

#allya squawks #allya vents #ignore me pls #im just trying to make sense of my braincells #:')) #im trying okay #god its hard