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lunaflvms · 9 months

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omg guys idek if anyone cares but life update since i stopped writing 🤞 ok so the start of this year i came back from malaysia and then i went iceskating and posted about it and had this really weird talking stage with the guy he was kinda super ugly but he was like super nice to me until he wasnt and like he kept thinking he was in some mafia wattpad smut shit cuz like he kept asking me for fucking nudes and ofc i said no but dawg I TOLD HIM NO SO MANY TIMES and then he asked me out on valentine (he asked me out 6 times before) i was late to meeting him I CANT BELIEVE I WAS SO GULLIBLE CUZ HE SAID VALENTINES JUST AS FRIENDS but he got me like shit for vals and i felt bad cuz i was extremely late and i didnt get him a gift and said yes THAT LASTED 4 DAYS CUZ HE TREATED ME LIKE SHIT i ended it anyways i dropped him cuz he was so ass and he kept asking for nudes and MADE JOKES HE WOUKD SA ME IF I LEFT???????? anyways hes fycked up next i was kinda like in my hoe era like i was pulling bitches which was funny cuz i never did and then i started talking to this dude that was from a diff state big regret cuz u never know if theyre honest or not anyways i didnt really like him but then i woke up as his gf BRO DIDNT EVEN ASK and i felt bad if i said hey were not together but i shouldve said it and i dragged it out for two weeks and ended it with him anyways i decided to like stay away from the male specimen and like focus on my studies and go out with friends AND THEN this really cute guy came along who is now my bf 😇😇🤞🤞 and hes super sweet and cute and literally the best like weve been together for 3 months and he got me roses for that 😞😞 HES THE BEST anyways OMG I FORGOT TO SAY BUT AFTER I BROKE UP WITH bf that didnt ask to be my bf i went to the hospital cuz i was ill 💀 and then it was my birthday two days later and then a week or two weeks after my bday my grandpa sadly passed ☹️☹️ so like i had an 8 hour notice and then was rushed to malaysia for his funeral 💔💔 i miss him ANYWAYS thats all i think 👍

#HELP this makes my life sound interesting

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autumnbell32 · 6 months

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I've had bad depressive episodes- more than I count- since I was 12. The hypomanic episodes- I don't know how long I've had them. Sometimes, since my baseline is usually sadness and anxiety peppered with neutrality, it is hard for me to tell the difference between feeling happy and hypomania- Am I just feeling good? Am I scrambling to get everything done before the next depression hits or is this maniacal energy? The past few days...there has been NO question that I'm hypomanic, perhaps even experiencing full blown mania.

These are the worst symptoms I have ever had. I've heard things before...during a bad depressive episode and during times when I am overstimulated or sleep-deprived. They've always caught me by surprise- I hear them internally, of course, but imagine being completely alone and hearing a voice that isn't coming out of your own mouth or your phone. I've always paused after it happens, at least momentarily. Before this week, they had been nonsensical words and phrases that weren't contextual. Today, though. I woke up after few hours of sleep and immediately I was in eye-bulging, hand-trembling, panic city.

I couldn't stay in bed anymore. I got up, pulled my hair back, and went and got my usual iced coffee. LIKE AN IDIOT. Sure, lets add caffeine to this mix of heart palpitations and paranoia. Dum-dum. By the time I got back home I was sitting in my car, hearing a voice telling me I was "loveless." "It's just a voice...a biochemical issue...a brain glitch from new meds and genetics and lack of sleep." Yeah, I started bawling anyways. Loveless? Add into the fact that I have zero confidence right now and feel the most unmarketable I have ever felt and feel super attracted to someone I am talking to who, I'm pretty sure, thinks I'm a soft 4 (if that). And then someone on the Youtube replied to a non-inflammatory comment I made about Pete Davidson's fine self with insults of me being ugly and fat. I stared at the vegetarian breakfast sandwhich I had in the seat next too me, felt nauseated and it was waterworks. Fuck, I'm just trying my best. The psych meds have put weight on me.

I called my mom, asked her if I seem hypomanic. "Nope you seem happy." I called my brother, with his steady, calculated tone and told him my symptoms and told him I was scared. I mean, they aren't equipped to deal with this but I don't talk to many people. OH and I messaged the person I am talking to, who also deals with similar issues, and had a meltdown. I mean, things are great 👍. I went inside, called a nurse line and messaged my therapist, both advised ER. I can't. I can't miss any work. I'll go to this 6 hour short shift and drive myself to ER afterwards if I still feel like my brain is rolling out of my skull and down into a ditch. I have the next two days off. I called my insurance's helpline that is staffed with LCSWs, telling her I can't miss work, and we came up with a plan. Which I have written down on a notecard to keep in my pocket today. Listen, my aunt was late onset schizophrenic and her daughter was as well, I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared. But all I can do is try to support myself and handle it. And not panic.

I had plans to go to a haunted house/Halloween theme park tonight as well. I love love love horror, but I'm guessing that could be triggering for me right now so I canceled. I feel so badly, he got tickets. But I have to coddle this organ under my skullcap right now. It's the only one I have.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

#bipolar disorder #auditory hallucinations #mental illness stigma #mental health awareness #mental illness advocacy #disability advocacy #mental illness and relationships #please god let me hold onto this brain #i really do like it sometimes #things were getting better-ish #give me a fucking break #writer #writeblr #writing #creative writing

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nightcolorz · 5 months

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i’m late but for the ask game: armand 6, 8, 25

YIPPIE!! Thank u sm for sending this, I’ve been pretty severely injured lately and I woke up feeling so shit and sad, so getting this notif absolutely made my day. Armand !!! He is my favorite character in anything ever. I have literally never been so insane about a guy before. U picked some great questions so I’m super excited about this.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I identify strongly with Armand for a lot of weird little reasons. I think the root of it is transgender and autism stuff if I’m honest 😭 Im going to try not to get tooo personal 👍👍 but I will let’s be honest, I will get personal. I can relate to being fetishized and characterized for my sort of androgynous/pretty/boyish appearance while I feel like how I look doesn’t truly reflect who I am as a person. I definitely get the struggle of being demeaned and treated like a child bcus of the juvenile ish appearance transitioning can give you. I also can relate to being demeaned and treated like a child because of my social awkwardness (due to autism) that causes many ppl to assume I’m unintelligent or immature, need to be treated gently or talked to slowly, etc. I see these parts of myself reflected in Armand ofc in different more vampiric ways, and having a character who is infantilized and talked down to while also fetishized and sexually exploited for a perceived innocence that isn’t reflective of who he really is at all, a guy who is also very strange and awkward and doesn’t act right, who is also simultaneously very bad ass (imo lmao) in his shamelessness and his overtly violent and freak of nature attitude, is weirdly very validating and empowering for me, lmao. He is like the weak shameful parts of myself if the weak shameful parts of myself had teeth. 👍👍👍 Yeah 😁😁😁😁 Armand 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

lmfaooo, I’m so happy u picked this one bcus I love complaining and being a hater 😍 I am sorry in advance if I say anything that ruffles any bodies feathers, just bcus I don’t like these things ppl do doesn’t mean I don’t like the ppl who do them, y’all do u I’m not stopping u. Anyways.

I don’t enjoy how a handful of amc exclusive fans characterize Armand, because you can tell they rlly only understand him based on Wikipedia reads and his brief appearance in the show so far, which results in this sort of glaring simplification of his character in fan content. This wouldn’t rlly bother me if not for how prevalent it is 😭 like it’s genuinely difficult for me to find interesting and in character fanfic about Armand bcus so much of it is uniformed. The amc fandom sort of dominates the tvc fandom, it’s just so big. I don’t like when Armand is reduced to Louis’s new scary hot boyfriend/Lestat replacement/potential villain. It feels like he’s often perceived through this lens of a role in the story, like “hm this guy seems like a potential villain”, “no I think he’s a new love interest”, which is a conversation I find no appeal in at all considering you can’t fit the Armand I love into any of these narrative boxes. This isn’t rlly smth I have personal beef with bcus there’s no harm in fans of the show characterizing armand based on there limited knowledge while they wait for the next season, but for me it’s a pet peeve you know, as someone who rlly rlly likes armand a lot 😭.

(This is the exception to my no hate to u if u do this disclaimer btw, all the hate to u). on the subject of amc fans, I also often see this hostility towards fans of book Armand, where I’ll see amc fans talking about how perverse he is conceptually in the books and how gross ppl who like him are, which REALLY makes me very mad, because ok. Listen. Show armand is not a character yet, any and all things you enjoy about armand as of now as someone who hasn’t read the books are 1. How he looks. And 2. Things from the books that you apply to him in a new context. Assad’s performance, the people working on the show, the writers, everything that you base your enjoyment of armand in, is from the books 😭 But god forbid someone enjoy the source material over the hypothetical character who barely exists yet? God forbid someone do the same thing u do (take smth arguably morally dubious and interpret it in a way that u find interesting and compelling while acknowledging the morally dubious source material) just not in the context of an adaption. Ok. God forbid I enjoy and identify with an adult character trapped in the body of a child who is misperceived for his youth and sexually abused, it’s not like this is the same concept of beloved amc Claudia anyway. It’s also not like I am capable of enjoying something while criticizing it and disliking it’s flaws, and coming to conclusions based on critical thinking and analysis of concepts that may have been executed poorly, that I still admire and enjoy, bcus I am capable of complex thinking, and I don’t need to blindly enjoy every part of smth and perceive it as flawless to enjoy it. We all know that’s fake ! Anyways sorry for the angry rant 😭😭😭 moving on.

On a separate note, I also sometimes have beef with how fellow book armand fans portray him. This is small and sort of petty but it bothers me when Armand is drawn as like, very small and skinny. Maybe it’s bcus I head canon him as chubby and sort of cherub-built, maybe it’s bcus in TVA armand describes himself as strong in build and “not waif-ish”, but either or it does feel sort of wrong and off putting when I see Armand drawn as like, so small and petite that it’s emphasized. To me this reads as a missing of the point, if you will. An emphasis on physical qualities representative of innocence and youth that aren’t reflective of Armand’s character, only rlly how some other characters see him. I can often tell when an Armand fan enjoys him for the superficial qualities (eternally young, angelic looking, etc) over who he is, and it always encourages me to steer clear. I hope I’m making sense lol. This is also sometime present in fic but it’s more subtle and difficult to describe. Anyways

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I was thinking about this yesterday! I was first introduced to Armand when I was maybe 11 or 12, my dad put on 94 interview with the vampire for me and my twin sister while he did work around the house etc. he started watching it with us (he loves 94 iwtv) but by the time Armand showed up at the half way point he got up and started doing other things, so my sister and I were alone in front of the screen. For some reason lost to time my sister and I were very excited about seeing Antonio Banderas, maybe because we knew him from Zorro, so in the aftermath of the buffoon scene with Santiago that we found really funny, when Antonio Banderas appeared on screen we were hyped tf up. We were so enthralled in the moment of his cunty ass entrance we started cheering and clapping and screaming 😭 I think shrieking ARMANNNDDD!!!! At the screen (with no knowledge of who armand even was) Till I started laughing to tears is in my top ten formative moments. My first viewing of iwtv was just like that 😭 there was smth in the water that had my sister and I loosing our fucking minds with excitement over that movie. Anyways, I only immersed myself into the fandom and got rlly into tvc just last year, when I read interview with the vampire (smth that’s always been in the back of my mind since my first viewing, I really did love that movie) and then the rest of tvc. When I was reading interview with the vampire I had that subconscious excitement over Armand’s half way point appearance brewing from the get go (every time my sister and I have watched iwtv together since we were 12 we’ve done the same screaming at the screen ritual for armand) so when I was re introduced to him I was instantly attached to him. I very quickly discovered how much I was enthralled by this guy, like by his first appearance and description it went from a weird little nostalgic affection to a “omfg I feel many inexplicably strong feelings for this guy”. He was just so magnetic and weird, I was intrigued by every thing about him, like Louis lol. I started drawing him a bunch b4 I’d even finished the first book, and by the time I was introduced to him in tvl he was my favorite character. Tvl really solidified my armand obsession, and queen of the damned made me the person I am today 😭 insane. I think my impression of him now should be obvious at this point 😔 he is my silliest guy every morning I wake up and he is the first thought in my mind I cry about him daily I worship him like he’s my god sometimes I see a blender and I am so overwhelmed with emotion I want to scream if a professional looked into my brain and saw all the armand in there they’d diagnose me with super mega autism. I like him a lot. 🫶

Thank you sm for sending this ask once again! I’m sorry it’s so long lol, hope my responses were interesting. This is the ask game in question for anyone who may potentially want to send me more asks: https://www.tumblr.com/nightcolorz/734243514562510848?source=share I would cry with joy if so.

#tvc #the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #vc #armand #The vampire armand #interview with the vampire #Iwtv #anne rice #Armand iwtv #armand tvc #armand vc #ask game

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eldritch-araneae · 1 year

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I sincerely hope everyone defending image generation bs will have their houses robbed along with all their money and they'll get a taste of what it's like to live in poverty 👍 What do you mean it's terrifying and won't get out of this? Just pick up a better job, easy peasy!🙃

I have no compassion for those people. Why I should have any since they want us to starve to death, yet still "produce content" for THEIR convenience and entertainment. That's what happens when you sideline humanities from basic education - everyone wants to be the next rich guy.

Tbh lets make an algorithm making techbros obsolete! A program that writes code for you, see how they gonna like this bwahahaha!

UPD: Actually, now to think about, what is up with obsession to automate anything yet refusing to use technology aid the humanity? We don't live in the perfect world where ppl don't have to pay money to exist so imagine if all jobs go out like this, only control by few rich guys?

As if tech/bros really just want to get rid of poor and other undesirable ppl like this,making us stave to death or worse.Otherwise why they pour all resources into this shit instead of useful stuff like making prosthetic limbs fully available or solve energy and climate crisis?

That sounds very believable, considering how they treat artists rn... or even generally how creatives are treated lately and they will go after other people in different industries. They just boomers in millenial trenchcoat, traitors of humanity.

That why they even try to use "woke" language to trick ppl into thinking they are on the right side. Calling artists gatekeepers, classists and even ableists just to get the public to side with them. Even tho its known fact, you only need a pencil and paper to start drawing.

And a lot of ppl will fall for it bc of buzzwords and bc past few decades the entire population was forced fed with cyberpunk media, creating an illusion that everything is lost and this is the only outcome for us, where humanity lost all its soul and was reduced to simple computers.

Which is why its super important for us to make more of hopeful art, the art that will start mending the rift between humanity and the nature that the rich has created. That’s why Solarpunk is soooo PUNK right now, it’s a rebellion against those dystopic beliefs.

Its all starts with art, and I’m more than willing to do it! And already doing this in fact, ppl who saw my art and stories know~

I just hope others will join me as well, but I won’t alone.

#vent #i have no compassion for those fucks #and serisly what up with obsession to automate anything #we're living in the perfect world where we don't need money to exist #unless its a plot of rich guys to get rid of poor and other 'undesirable ppl'#which tbh sounds very belivable

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mentally-unstable-fangirl · 1 year

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hey im currently going to be acting on the urge to tell you about the dream i had in today afternoon (five in the evening 👍) <3

so backstory time i've always had this recurring dream where i (afraid of heights) go to a super heighted village/resort sort of place with very steep drops on the side but the setting atop it is 'normal' like the usual

so i was in this place and i was just chilling or studying (a bit blurry this part) and out of nowhere unannounced my cousin brother brings in two famous youtubers AND some old relatives into the house (more like mansion but whatever lol) and obviously my mental illnesses show in my dream as well (because of course they do) so my anxiety acted up and i wanted everything to be perfect for them oh and they had brought huge ass cameras as well :') i greeted them as you do and they just went off to a nearby restuarant (my dreams have weird cuts) then i went in there to eat with them but i didnt have a seat so i dipped but before that a reasonably gaint spider crawled on the wall and i think *i* was the one who swatted it away

anyway i went outside and as soon as i opened the door there were like two more gigantic spiders on the ground 😭👍 i just avoided them and with Another cut of 'the cameras' i walked out onto a barren soil ground with a couple tractors on the side and as i did so something grabbed my waist and leg at the same time (twas the ground in a way) it was something/a creature i can only describe as an underground snake-dragon hybrid and it started spinning me around in a circle it looked happy (it was smiling) tbh it was fun even though my heart was beating like crazy

and when it finally let me go i fell on the ground beside a tractor laughing (i have no idea why but oh well) and then i woke up because i was scared it was already night and dark outside and i didnt like waking up that late so that was my dream i had only slept for an hour (didnt feel like it lol) :)

sorry this was so long (my tendencies to overexplain stuff always kick in </3) i hope you liked it tho <333

No it’s okay I’m always so interested in people’s dreams!! Idk why but I always have been

That sounds so stressful 😭

I actually had a weird kinda disturbing dream but it would take so much context to explain

#bestiee w/ 2 'ee's #rue my beloved #<3

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hard-core-super-star · 7 months

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I thought you a rotten in some deep hole. Glad to see you post to again

what my friend said if i didn’t reply in 0.2sc

how are you today?

-🧞‍♀️

sorry for the very late reply, lovely anon, i usually post at night and then go to sleep so i don't have to overthink about what i just posted 👍

needless to say, i just woke up a little while ago so im doing pretty good! got some work to do for my classes which isn't super exciting 🫠

#rubix replies #🧞‍♀️

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queerna · 9 months

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08-08-23

| 10 : 54 AM |

— on the bus to my viewing :D super early but we move lolol like 1h 30m to wait 😾 listening to Disco by Surf Curse 👍 i got up alright had some toast my outfit today is a mix but i think it’ll add to the androgynous mood :P

| 11 : 20 AM |

— Ordered some food from shop waiting for my cheese toasty now ^_^ in the same spot that me and my gf had a date here a while ago February 26th 2022 :) wish she was here xx just realised it’s the same day i took the photos that’s in my phone case 😭💕💕.

— me hungry 🦧🦧🦧

| 05 : 17 PM |

— back home i got everything i needed ^_^ the viewing accommodations went goooooddd. super excited. had to do a lot of confusing shit alone which is annoying but we move xoxo

— gonna make tea and chill til i gotta make dinnerrrrr.

| 11 : 48 PM | rant incoming

— so had dinner spent time with my gf. but my brother who is super annoying and a pain IN THE ASS I MEAN MUM IS HIS ASSISTANT like me and my girlfriend shouldn’t have to deal with his shit and have to look after him. like we are treated like babysitters and cleaners it’s fucking irritating.

— it wouldn’t be so bad but he’s spoilt, loud, obnoxious, a windup merchant and needs assistance with everything. i want to start uni now and i want to be in LDR so i don’t have to deal with him😾😾😾😾

— typical she told us late like no warning she comes home in 24 hours and she asked about my accommodation viewing like 10 hrs late yk. she just cares soooo much. explaining that my mum is abroad and i’m here still is such depressing thing to admit like ;-; yes i am alone yes she doesn’t care enough to take me with her. ;-; i want out of this house so bad

— people ask oh you enjoying your mum being gone? how do i humbly say fuck yes i hate being her maid equal 24/7 :D without it being hard truth. like 😀 yes i am enjoying my freedom and happiness 😀 fuck my life.

i’m tried i need sleep but i cba rn. i can’t rant to my gf bc she’s asleep poor girl woke up at 2am and has gone bed at 10pm which that’s good yk.

— NINE DAYS TIL RESULTS DAY —

… that makes me want to puke cry shit and punch someone xox still can’t decide if i wanna go to college to get my results. bus fare is money. that’s it i’ll probs need lunch etc. that costs. when will my motherfucking money come in from trust fund. i’ll call them AGAIN tomorrow 😾

— i gotta remain positive. today is a good day to manifest i don’t wanna mess with the vibes 🫢🩷

#rant #lgbt #transpride #tumblr diary #digital diary #work in progress #uk student

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