#ITS THE GUILT. THE SHAME. THE FEELING THAT WE DONT DESERVE BETTER AND WE DESERVE ALL THE BAD BITS OF OUR CURRENT LIVES | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wisdominfumbling · 2 months

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Taking accountability over actions.

My parents have always told me life is all about making desitions and hopefully making the right ones.. Now my dad specifically tells me that more importantly life is about making the wrong ones and learning from that. Learning from the pain, the suffering, the shame, the loneliness, the anxiety and so much more. At frist I didn´t understand when he would say that

¿Why would my own father want me experiencing those feelings?

Later on in life I have found the answer, cause he loves me and he wants me to be happy and life a full life, be a complete woman and in order for me to be that I have to have awful days and weeks, hopefully not months and years but you never know. Now I thought I knew what heartache felt like, a breakup, love related feelings but the truth is I have never been in love, never felt true relationship like love, out of my mind Romeo and Juliet love. I know guys have I´ve been with have felt that for me but I have never been able to reciprocate. ¿Why? I have a short (but still important) list of reasons:

Im immature, somehow I still believe in the perfect guy. tall, handsome (not pretty), smart, loyal, funny, pro family, respectful, athelic, good in bed, manly. And I blame my dad for that, he has always shown me that I deserve the world and the best and that everyone is replaceable and when someone doesn´t fit into one of those requirements I should leave. now the problem is that it really shouldn´t be like that. Im not telling you to settle for something lower but I am saying that some things can be fixed and you should focus on the core of the person. most important is that they have to be loyal, tall, pro family, have a job and respectful. the rest can be altered, I can style him better, cut his hair different, send him to the gym, show him tricks in bed. not so important things but the core should be top requirements for a boyfriend.

I only know how to obsess with guys, dont know how to love them.

Im scared of commitment, Im terrified of telling them everything and then im this vulnerable person and they´ll maybe do the same to me.

Im insecure, physically. im always gonna be comparing to other women specially the cute, thin, blonde ones. I always find them more feminine, prettier.

If there are more reasons.. i forgot them.

The point is, due to those reasons im not able to be in a relationship only situationships work until they start getting serious and i dip or do something to fuck everything up. And thats exactly what i did, if i can give you good and simple advice.. DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIENDS FRIENDS.. EVER. yes it can go really well but it also can go REALLY bad. and you dont want to go there, im telling you.

I was going out with my boy bestfriend´s friend, all good, he had more interest in me than i had in him, he asked me out we went out a couple times on dates, i stayed over at his house, all good (kinda, im not gonna get into the werid stuff that pulled me away) but even after i posted him on my story and people saw us out and about, i still got some dms of guys i used to talk to (and fuck) wanting to see me and stuff. This specific guy im kinda obsessing with dmed me and we talked. my situationship saw and yeah. so basically im a cheater, i fucked up and its been like a month and a half and i still cant get over it. i have so much guilt evenm tho my friends forgave me ? and told me i had nothing to worry about i still worry. i feel bad. i saw this great guy that cared for me, crying in his bed, asking me again and again why did i do it and i just didnt have a good honest answer to give him cause honestly i would end up causing more damage.

A month and a half and already fucked another person, I have been on a couple dates but i just cant seem to replace him yet. which is funny cause when we were a thing it seemed pretty easy to replace him. im also lazy cause if i wanted to be with the guy im obsessing with i could just take the metro and be there in a hour. maybe i feel guilty about seeing him too. fuck i feel guilty about seeing my friends too. i have only told three friends, my bestie that i called him the same day it happened and he helped me out a little but hes a guy so he didnt get it as much, my other guy friend and he was sweeter and told me to not worry and that everyone fucks up at a certain time but as long as i knew that it was wrong it was okay and that he had done much worse, and my other friend shes a girl so she understood better and was very sweet about it, i think they´re being sweet with me is because im the youngest and they can see the shame and the regret in my face everytime they see me.

I know that i shouldve been more straightforward and direct and just told him that i could not give him a relationship at the moment but i just didnt wanna lose on any side. i wanted to have him while having another other and not having any kind of limitation or whatever. I understand thats not how life works but sometimes i fool myself into believing that the universe loves me so mcuh that i get this "im gonna look the other way" treatment. i hope i can feel better now and start moving on with my life, i cannot be stuck on this for any longer. i know he is not stuck and i also know that we will see each other eventually and i want him to see me normal, even if i was the one that fucked up i dont want him to see me that affected.

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menalez · 2 years

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helppp, my mom is christian and we fight a lot bc she says that when i get married i have to be submissive to my husband and obey him and be a mom and be a housewife etc etc and i just tell her “that’s not fair, that’s not okay, if took my husband’s freedom and made him obey me you would say that’s wrong and unfair, i dont want to obey another person and be inferior to him, etc etc” and we keep fighting bc she doesn’t want to listen to me. i keep thinking “i’m only scared of God and your religion bc i dont want to go to hell. But i DO NOT want to marry another person who is going to tell me what to do just bc YOU mom believe I’m inferior to him bc i was born a fucking female.” and rn im feeling depressed and angry and i wished i could have been born in an atheist family bc now im indoctrinated and im fucking scared of hell. And well sometimes i think “God i could go back to church but just dont make me marry another person” and my mom’s friend -another Christian- told me “what if God wanted you to marry and now you want to disobey him?? You will go to hell!!!” And UGH I fucking hate that disgusting idea of hell. I also hate that my mom is sooo indoctrinated and she keeps saying im the one who has lost it. Like, mom, wake tf up, MAKING ME THINK IM INFERIOR BC IM A WOMAN ITS FUCKING IMMORAL AND WRONG, and making me marry and be a submissive wife should be a SIN. Its not bc of “feminism” or the “world’s twisted ideology”, its bc i have common sense and i dont think i should be forced to be submissive. If another woman wants to be submissive then thats cool for her, but we should be able to choose, the church shouldn’t tell us how to make a marriage work when they keep cheating on their partners… i dont know who to talk about this bc my mom is a christian misogynist and my dad is too (but he isnt christian which makes it worst) and my brother is a jerk who makes jokes about “feminazis” 😭 i seriously dont know what to do bc i do want to be spiritual and i dont want to go to hell but i dont want to be a submissive wife. being forced to be one is just immoral and unethical and wrong and again, it should be a sin.

that’s terrible im so sorry ur family is like this!! and there’s definitely ways to be spiritual outside of christianity or otherwise following & believing misogynistic & manipulative doctrines (like the constant threatening of hell is seriously manipulative fr). what you feel is very normal for someone who grew up indoctrinated heavily into a guilt-heavy abrahamic religion. my best friend was born into an evangelical fundamentalist family and she felt similarly too, the anxiety and shame and fear of hell is very common esp when u are raised in a religious family. unfortunately i can’t advise much on that as i don’t have personal experience with it but distancing yourself from that stuff is a good first step and getting away from doctrine-heavy groups is also probably helpful. beyond that im not sure… but i hope things get better for u anon 💕 ur not inferior for being a woman and u deserve to decide whether u want to marry or not.

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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year

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This is probably going to sound rly messed up I'm sorry but am I the only one who actually sort of enjoyed being molested. I know it was wrong and it all leaves me feeling gross and off when I think about it but I can't help but miss it at times, which just makes me feel more gross. I hate to admit it but I did technically want it at times and I don't know how to deal with that. I feel like it's my fault because I may as well have been asking for it.

uhm, no. I don't think so. i think it's just a taboo within an already taboo and uncomfortable subject which we rarely speak about. nah, you're not alone in that. its just hard to admit, and a lot of times its a more pleasant prospect to dig yourself into the dirt and dissapear or just die than admit it.... i reckon more ppl have felt or feel that way than are willing to open up abt it. that's something thats always fucked me up too. as if it all wasn't bad enough you know and as if it all didnt leave me feeling fucked up and abormal enough, it just adds this extra layer of confusion and shame and skin crawling feeling and guilt on top of it all

... i think. idk. there's no use or reason to blame yourself for that or to beat yourself up over it. which is really hard. but bodies react in whichever way they will and,,,i dont think theres one particularly correct way to react to abuse. it is what it is. like idk. its obviously not okay that it happened in the first place, but its ok that you liked it. its okay that you miss it. it just is what it is. i dont think it makes you gross or wrong or some rarity among those whove been molested, and i dont think theres only one way to feel abt this shit. i think a lot of us know that confusing mix of repulsion and natural adversion mixed w the opposite of it, and a lot of us sure as hell end up hypersexual or masochistic or both, and its really hard to try to work through any of those feelings...you just reacted however you did and didnt rly know better anyway, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. but at the end of the day, no, its not your fault. even if you were literally asking for it, even if it wasnt "that bad" even if you catch yourself missing it, regardless of anything its still not your fault. it v much was the sole responsability of the adult in that situation to deal w it in a normal manner and behave appropriately, not yours. regardless of anything,.,, you were still taken advantage of and mistreated, and its still not okay, and im sorry you went through any of this anon <3 you deserved better but do know youre not alone w.. all the bullshit.. just... b gentle and understanding w urself about it, i dont think adding more shame and self hatred on top of it all rly helps. you were just a kid

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forestryfae · 9 months

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heres another problem tho. if i do manage to get rid of the house, im probably gonna try to sell or give away some furniture i dont want anymore. but i also wanna keep some stuff? how much do i actually bother keeping. what is in the long run worth saving and is there literally any alternative way for me to keep it when i either cant fit it in my new whatever im living in or i just get bored of it or want a change? how much am i willing to keep just because its a sentimental item or because specifically i bought it for myself because i wanted it or i thought id like it for a long time. what should i keep because its useful in case i need it and why shouldnt i just get rid of it when i barely use it and its main function is Just In Case and it looks neat enough or id feel bad getting rid of it. why do i need to keep furniture we had when i was a kid when i dont even want to think about my childhood. is 'i had this nightstand and bookshelf when i was a kid therefore its literally a part of me and my personality' just some weird as fuck ocd thing. im not a nightstand or a bookshelf. i didnt even miss any of it when i didnt have it so shouldnt it be better if i just move on and find new things i like, especially when my childhood was pretty fucking loney and sucked and that stuff just sort of reminds me a bit of it but getting rid of stuff makes me feel guilty cus what if i regret getting rid of it.

if i get a new house or apartment or whatever shouldnt i be putting just stuff i like in there instead of stuff out of obligation to some made up bullshit rules for what im allowed and not allowed to do and what im allowed to want and not want. i can do whatever i want forever so if i want new stuff that i feel better about having in my house that would make more sense to prioritize. or is that selfish and egoistical and morally fucked up and i shouldnt want things and i shouldnt want things when i already have things and i shouldnt want different things from what i have just because i like other stuff better and shouldnt i be just content with being given stuff and having little choice in what i want, not even related to my wallet and how much money i have, but related to my self worth and what other people might have as an opinion and also based on what mom and dad are more or less have treated me like. am i really worth enough to be allowed to have a choice in what i want or should i just shut up and accept that i dont get anything else and i certainly dont get more.

i know that money is money and you can only do so much with it and you shouldnt waste it but is it a waste to buy a slightly more expensive couch you want instead of settling for a cheaper one because you need a couch and thats a couch so it counts. a mattress with feet and no headboard or frame is still a bed so do i really need to waste money on that just because itd look a little nicer. do i really need a new mattress when ive had the one i have today since i was 12. can i live with the crippling guilt and shame of having bought a new mattress just because the old one was old and i wanted a change when it wasnt stictly neccessary because the old mattress was falling apart. its my own faul my beds fucked up in one corner too since i got cats and they scratch their claws on my bed and really i dont deserve a new bed because of that.

and then all that just sort of cumilates into this horrible brain thing where i cant decide whether i want to get rid of stuff of not because "what if i get guests" and what if i regret it and what if i only get rid of a few of my plates and bowl instead of all of them except i should keep all of them in case of guests except i have to get rid of all of them because i never use them except id rather keep just two, but again theres the guests and keeping none of them and the guilt of getting rid of stuff because it makes me a horrible person since i spent money on it and what if i get guests. what are they gonna eat off of? even though i dont get guests and i dont need 5 dinner plates if i only want to keep 2 and i dont even use dinner plates since i prefer bowls and the 2 times a year i get guests they dont even use them. they dont use any of my stuff. and its so dumb. and i dont even have a new place to live yet that isnt my current house so im just planning for In Case i find somewhere new and nice and its all so dumb and convoluted

i just dont wanna live in the house. i wanna pack my stuff down in a few boxes and condense my entire life in a few boxes and be done with it and then itll be safe and clean and i never have to worry about anything again and i can move and never worry again. and i dont know how that works or if thats even whats gonna happen. and just that on its own makes everything so much harder. like i just wanna not have to worry 24/7 and i dont wanna feel like everythings a mess all the time, i just wanna know what i actually want and not feel guilty for wanting stuff, like physical stuff like furniture and mugs and plates, and hobby stuff like art supplies and video games i like, and clothes i know ill wear for a long time, and for wanting stuff that isnt physical in the same way, like knowing whether i wanna try going back to school or what kind of job i want and if i want an education related to that job or if i just want any job thats easy and gives me a litte extra money or if i want something i enjoy and can dedicate a lot of time to the same way i dedicate myself to hobbies so ill atleast come home and not feel like i never get to do anything besides work, and the same way i dont know what kind of house or apartment i want to live in because i feel like my standards are constantly changing and everything is both out of my budget and not good enough because the layouts shit or its missing a few things id have prefered to have or because its nice but theres stuff i dont want or just becaue i dont deserve to live there or because the location is some random ass city ive never been to so id have to start over but i also cant live anywhere where i know people because what if they dont want me there and im actually super annoying. like not even annoying in a fun way or annoying occasionally but literally all the time whenever i speak when not spoken to.

#talkies #i feel like this is something. a psychlogist or therapist. might have some Opinions on lol

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danagoestorehab · 1 year

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100 reasons to go to rehab

because i actually really do want to be better not bitter.

because all i have wanted for so long is to have a sense of community.

for my mental health to improve and it is tragic and awful and i can't deal with it.

for my physical health to improve which is also tragic and awful but to a lesser to degree.

to address the millions of past traumas that i have always buried away.

to sort out familial ties which i also always ruin.

to sort out my eating. that's very difficult.

so that i do not have to carry on feeling this way continuously

because the seaside is nice

because i want a sense of belonging

because i am emotionally unstable and its hard

because i want to have an actual life

to stop funding war in columbia with my personal choices

to stop rotting a hole in my nose

so i don't have any nightmares anymore

so that i can have a bad day without feeling like the worlds ending

so that i can stop disappointing people

so that i can do better things for other people

so that my internal organs do not fail

so that i can attempt to karma balance the bad things that i have done if thats even possible

so that i can run a marathon with rob

so that i can stop being a covert narcissist

so that i can wake up in situations that i do not want to run away from

so that i do not feel constantly drenched in guilt and shame

so that i can do volunteer work

so that i can make friends with new people

so that i can learn to form healthy relationships

so that i can learn to live not survive

so that i no longer feel the need to lie

because i forget that drugs are actually illegal and therefore a crime

because i want to be a person that others can depend on

because i do actually just believe in the goodness of others

because i want to be able to make nice memories

because i want to be good for people

because this country is probably sick of me

because then i can keep up with appointments

so that i can do things based on rationale and reason instead of fear

so that landlords in cardiff dont have to hate me

so that i can get out of this vicious cycle

so that i can actually use my bike

so that i can learn more from other people

so that i can teach others things so that they don't have to learn the hard way

so i can stop writing apology letters

so that i can make people proud of me

so that i can find a reason to be proud of myself

so that maybe one change i make inspires others to change also

so that my drug dealers can find healthier means of maintaining an income

so that there is more free space in nhs hospitals

so that i stop being sick all of the time

apple will have less data to use for marketing because i will not be permanently attached to my phone

because this is all i have thought about for the past decade or so

because even very terrible people deserve second chances

because listening to the same three songs on repeat whilst catastrophising my life endlessly is not an existence

because i contribute an ungodly amount of disposable vapes which is funneling climate change and i reckon given the chance i could stop being so self obsessed and dedicate myself to a reusable or other coping mechanisms.

because i feel like the stray cat that we feed will be disappointed in me

because russian roulette is not a fun game

because other people are constantly being hurt through my actions and inactions

because other people believe in me as well

because i have a believed to be cursed painting i found by a road in my room that i found in which i jokingly refer to as my 'dorian gray' and i don't really want to look at it any longer

because lloyds can only issue so many new debit cards

because even at a minuscule level, the straws and baggies used are probably responsible for trapped fish in the sea

because i haven't been to the beach in a year

because i really want to live long enough to see another year

because its tiring being tired

because my skin is not very good

because if everybody got clean there would be minimal crime

because the shop i work at are really really reallly sick and tired of me

because i don't sleep very well at all nowadays

because this really is my only option

because i definitely have a vitamin d deficiency and going outside more would help

because i genuinely want to be more selfless

because the priory gets a drunk dial at least once a year and that needs to stop

because i still havent replaced my flatmates toothpaste

because people can be good and kind and dependable when given the chance even if they seem like cowardly cowardly custard

because lorna is lovely and i have put her through a lot

because i am sick of setting other people on fire to keep myself warm

because i am sick of using bad metaphors

because there is more to life than my own four walls and i am literally trapped

because its pathetic playing the victim card any longer

because keeping up a pretense is exceptionally hard

because i'm almost at 100 reasons and i haven't had to pause for longer than a second to think of another reason why

because i don't want to doom myself to a fate never destined for me

because i am sick of being a repeat customer at medically assisted detox

because even the bad characters in books are felt empathy for sometimes

because i had written this on my calender

because this was a new years resolution for many years

because relocating to spain and changing my identity is excessive and also unlikely to succeed

because my fish deserve to be rehomed somewhere nicer

because i want to be able to take care of a plant without it dying

because sweet dee is lovely and probably sick of me and she shouldn't be

because my actions affect others and the fact that it does replays continuously on my mind

because i keep on doing things when i get anxious and, like my other issues, denying it

because i originally am from england and it seems destined to address my trauma where it started

because i hate whichever sad awful terrible version of me is presented to other people

because i am a waste of a masters degree

because people don't just deserve second chances but third chances and fourths and people really can be good and true and kind and better when they need to be

because i would love to find out more about other people

because writing 98 issues was way both too easy and way too difficult for me to write

because my daily horoscope app has been insanely accurate and i have the screenshots to prove it

because i so desperately believe broken people can get better if they really try to be

#drug recovery #drug rehab #100 reasons to go to rehab

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maschotch · 2 years

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more thoughts on jj really not liking to take responsibility for things & spencer and his mom please! i love ur rants

alkshdfjkjsfd anon ur gonna get me in so much trouble

putting this all under a readmore bc it got… a lot longer than i expected

honestly i think it has a lot to do with how she grew up. we do get to meet her mom a couple times and see their very tense relationship. so a lot of this is me just basing her home life on the very few interactions we get.

her family didn't talk about things. they didn't talk about mental health, they didn't talk about her sister's suicide, they didn't really talk much about anything. and i think that in itself is pushing aside responsibility. wrapping up any potential conversation with a quick "oh well she was troubled i guess" and moving on without ever addressing how they could've helped. they still feel guilty obviously, but i dont think they really let that show in front of jj, or even each other. because talking about things and being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. and this is where i think a lot of jj's flaws stem from.

i dont think she likes her mom. i dont think she respects her mom. but i still think there's a lot of unintentional similarities, like not wanting to talk about complicated situations with your child. like not wanting to openly take the blame for something. whats that one end quote at the end of an episode? “children dont always listen to their parents but they never fail to imitate them”? obviously that isn’t applicable to everyone, but it certainly lines up with jj and her family, which is why i think she’s so flippant about throwing that sentiment around casually in front of people who’ve been abused by fathers/father figures

i think thats where it starts. but we see it come up in a few places: in that episode we were talking about where reid’s talking about how much she hurt him and she says it must be because he couldn’t read their microexpressions to know they were lying; in ‘the forever people’ when she doesn’t want to address her trauma at all without snapping at reid for trying to bring it up; in ‘the itch’ when she was pissy that the girl wasn’t thankful that she forced her to self harm; when she finds out she’s pregnant for the first time and just doesn’t want to talk about it—w hotch or anyone. there are more examples that aren’t as significant, but she doesn’t like addressing problems or failures at all.

and she recognizes it. in ‘in heat’ when she admits to running away from responsibility. in ‘revelations’ when she wants derek to be mad at her for her, not wanting to feel that guilt herself, but knowing she deserves it so seeks it out from someone else. in ‘the forever people’ when she can’t even apologize or thank reid directly but still gives him that look of understanding. to an extent she realizes that this is a flaw she has, even if she doesn’t really get any better at it.

i just think verbalizing guilt is difficult for her. she’s been brought up with this idea that talking about things like that is shameful. and she never quite manages to break away from that. she projects that into other areas too, like how she views hotch as this emotionless, unyielding wall of stone, even when that’s not who he is. she respects him, she sees how he stays strong in front of others, and she doesn’t let herself see the parts of him that she would consider weak. which is why she tries so hard to be as detached and unfeeling as she imagines him, even when he’s looking her in the eye and telling her it’s okay to lose it once and a while. because the way she grew up? it wasn’t.

as for reid?

i don’t think reid has ever had the healthiest perspective on his mother’s mental health. he’s always viewed her schizophrenia as something he could fix, something he should try to undo so she can return to “normal”. which is problematic first of all akjsdhgl but whatever. in his case tho i think its just… childish? its naive to think you can “fix” someone, and part of growing up is accepting and appreciating life for what it is. and reid never got there. even in the early seasons when he’s around 25 he still wishes that he could “cure her schizophrenia”

this kind of fades over time just because we don’t see it brought up again, but when his mother is diagnosed with dementia its the same shit all over again. that mindset never went away. instead of focusing his time and energy on enjoying the time he has left with her (what literally everyone is telling him to do) he flies her all over the country to put her in facilities with experimental medication/therapy. now im sure reid did his proper research or whatever and made sure it was safe and all that. but it isn’t what diana wanted.

just annoyed in general ab the whole reid-prison arc thing lmao like that was Not Done Well At All. but especially bc they tried to make him this poor uwu baby about the whole thing and how tragic it is that this innocent angel is trapped with all these meanies >:( but honestly?? reid fucking had it coming kasjhdla. talk about a fucking wake up call. this is what you get for not just accepting the situation and making the best of it—now you cant see your mom at all.

AND HE STILL DOESNT LEARN i think thats whats the worst part of this whole thing. he still wants his mom to go through more studies and medications and whatever else to try to change her. and she doesn’t want it! and gets mad at him for continuing to push her to go through all that! this is one of the last seasons and the most important lesson for reid to learn still hasn’t sunk in yet. and im sorry but thats just really fucking childish of him.

#asks #jennifer jareau #spencer reid #endgame spoilers #like... at least with jj its interesting and makes for a good character flaw #but for reid its just annoying #anyway #long story short:#people with mommy issues are fucking insane

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papers4me · 3 years

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Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances. (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good” Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased, then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right? If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #GREAT EPISODE #satisfied paper #final season #Part 1

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wygolvillage · 3 years

Text

ok fuck it here we go

worst belmont: leon- i just dont care about lament of innocence lol. if my wife was turning into a vampire i would simply not kill her to power up a weapon

seventh best: juste- this pains me to put him this low bc i do like him and i absolutely love hod. i like his silly furniture collection its a very humanizing element. i just dont think hes all that interesting Narratively. hod is moreso maxims story imo

sixth best: trevor- hmm i find myself appreciating him a lot more than i used to lately? the cv3 gang as a whole is really good imo and i like the idea of him and sypha as a t4t couple... also bonding over how they were both kinda treated like shit until their skills were deemed useful... like trevor being exiled and then Asked To Come Back once he had a "use" has to feel somewhat dissonant to him. mostly i think hes made more interesting via the characters he allies with but i admit theres something there... i am a trevor enjoyer i would say, but there are just a lot of other belmonts i like more. he wouldbe way higher if i categorized him with the other cv3 protagonists though

fifth best: simon- in original cv he is a pretty standard action hero of sorts. HOWEVER most of my enjoyment is from his other game... cv2 is neat and has It Could Be That Deep vibes i think... i like how its kinda flipped with a belmont intending to resurrect drac for a sort of personal gain (curing himself of the curse) but its executed extremely differently from how richters arc was- richter is more of a tragedy whereas simon is a guy having to go to immense measures just to save himself in a kinda understandable way. he passes from town to town, always distant and never staying long, trying to outpace the quickly approaching death that awaits him. idk its just neat

fourth best: christopher (and also soleiyu)- its a shared position bc christopher is mostly interesting via his relationship to his son, but i think about them a lot... belmonts revenge has story potential. It Could Be That Deep. i think it's interesting that dracula was able to reappear so soon because christopher failed to kill him entirely the first time around, so i actually hc that christopher feels guilt that his son was probably targetted as a result of his mistake. soleiyu himself i think would feel a lot of Shame And Angst over the whole debacle since hes the first belmont to rlly bring shame to his family name and also hes 15 and rlly emotional lol. i have this whole narrative in my head about christopher and soleiyus relationship being really distant and fraught after belmonts revenge since theyre both so haunted and them eventually reconciling in the middle of a rainstorm or smth CHhfssfh. this is all headcanons and exists in my mind only but i think about belmonts revenge fairly often

third best belmont: julius- i was debating whether i liked him or christopher more but julius won me over by virtue of having actual dialogue lol and im sure if we ever got the 1999 game id like him even more... i like how his amnesia results in him realizing his role in the eternal struggle at the same time as soma realizing things about his past life as dracula its a cool parallel i posted about recently. he has a cool boss fight and is also rlly fun to play as in aria and he has cool gay uncle vibes

second best belmont: sonia- i just like her!! i think her backstory in the manuals is kinda interesting and i think she would be a good mom to trevor. i like her dialogue in legends a lot, and she deserved better than what she got. getting a game cancelled and being booted off of the canon timeline sucks man

number 1 best belmont: richter- i like how his whole character is like... you know that honorable family legacy this whole series has been building up? time to tear that shit down and show how it can absolutely destroy a guy. i like how in sotn he seeks to "make the battle last for eternity" because thats all this has ever been!! an eternal battle!! over the course of centuries!! hes like, the essence of Being a belmont turned up to 11 by shafts influences, and i could go on about The Greater Themes Of Cycles In Castlevania but i will not, but its very relevant to my reading of him... richters decision to give up the whip and take the belmonts into hiding after sotn (thus ending the cycle... and the belmonts we see in ooe right after this lead normal happy lives seperated from this idea of Being A Belmont its so interesting...) are smth i think about a lot... freeing his descendants from the same expectations that corrupted him... its Deep. and the post-sotn part of the timeline that ensues as a result of him staining the family name is my favorite era in the series. richter is awesome 😎

#this whole post is incomprehensible

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outro-tearist · 3 years

Text

paws of paradise - chapter 3 {bangtan ot7 x reader}

hi!!!!!!!! it's been a little longer than i thought to update this, but here it is! it's also summer so updates hopefully will be more frequent as i dont have school to worry about!

as per usual, i'd appreciate comments, thoughts, suggests, anons, anything! have a great day!

~silver🤍🌙

chap 1 chap 2 chap 3

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Thinking.

That was what (Y/N) was doing, and had been doing for the past- How long had it been? The coldness that crept up onto Jimin had only happened yesterday, but the guilt overwhelmed her the more that she had thought about it. It felt like the incident had happened days ago when all she could think about was the crestfallen look Jimin had given her before he raced out of her shop.

It wasn’t his fault that he looked at Taehyung like he hung the stars in the sky. He was a gorgeous man, not to mention the genuine kindness he had shown any person he came across. It was hard to admit, but she had been very obviously jealous. Not only did that embarrass her, but it also made her feel worse for thinking those awful things about a dog owner just wanting to get his precious baby’s hair cut.

She decided to close the shop for today, officially saying she “needed more supplies”, but privately she knew she would not be able to focus.

Oh my god, Yoongi definitely saw her acting like a fool too! The blood that had flooded her cheeks seemed to swirl restlessly even more, just begging to be noticed and called out. He luckily hadn’t mentioned anything, probably to spare the shame she would feel in the moment.

Poor Jimin… He hadn’t done anything.... (Y/N) was being selfish and she recognized it as soon as they made eye contact. His appearance had startled her.

“Jimin! Hey..” (Y/N) started nervously as she saw the man enter through the back door like he usually did. He seemed shocked that he had been found so quickly, but awkwardly smiled back at his coworker.

“Oh. Yeah, hey.” Jimin said shortly. His curt tone had honestly hurt (Y/N) a little bit, but she took in a small breath and persevered.

‘It’s your fault he’s being distant,’ a horrible voice whispered in the back of her head. ‘He deserves more than you, someone better… someone more like Taehyung.’ It whispered again.

“I am so sorry about yesterday… I didn’t mean to dismiss you like that, I just- well, I got some bad news?” her last sentence sounded more like a question than an excuse, but Jimin had obviously softened after hearing her jittery voice.

“(Y/N), it’s not a problem. It did hurt my feelings, but I’m glad you’re telling me this now. I wish you would’ve told me earlier, but I won’t force you to tell me anything you don’t want to,” his smooth voice had felt like honey to her ears, slowly melting all her fears and anxieties that she had about not being forgiven.

Unfortunately, they quickly appeared again when rethinking her shitty excuse.

How was she supposed to explain that the “bad news” she had received was watching the man in front of her look so happy with someone else? It was an awful excuse and Jimin might be worried about her. (Y/N) would have to tell Jimin more about it later, she figured. All she had cared about at this point was just to get on speaking terms with her crush-- no. Her coworker.

“Thank you so much. Seriously. I don’t know what I would do without you, Jiminie.” (Y/N) tried to express her sincerity, but she was never the best with words anyways. It was all that she could muster up even with her head clogged with the image of Taehyung and Jimin practically glowing as they stared at each other.

Still, Jimin could seemingly read into her soul, knowing that she was as genuine as she could be through her words. She could not take her eyes off his kind eyes and perfectly shaped eyebrows and structured face and plump lips and...

“You know I’d do anything to help you, honey. All you need to do is to say the words.”

Pulse quickening and face warming, (Y/N) knocked herself out of her trance once the word “honey” had left Jimin’s lips. Maybe this little work crush was turning out to be a little bigger than she thought…

She giggled like an airhead in response, and if Jimin had seen the bright flush that had spread across her face and neck, he didn’t show any signs other than a slight smirk.

“This is kinda sudden, but um… Can I hug you?” (Y/N) shyly asked. If Jimin’s excited face said anything, the warm hug that had enveloped her completely confirmed everything she thought she saw.

He gently cradled her head in one hand as his other arm pulled her into his surprisingly built chest from the shoulders. He smelled of vanilla and another gentle sweet scent that (Y/N) couldn't put her finger on. It didn’t matter now. What did matter, though, was the feeling of Jimin’s head digging into the top of her head and how he deeply inhaled. Letting out a content hum, (Y/N) wrapped both her arms around his waist and snuggled into the crook of his neck.

“Out of curiosity… where did you have to go yesterday?” (Y/N) asked into Jimin’s neck. He shivered for a split second, before responding:

“Oh, Taehyung asked me if I wanted to spend the day together. That’s why I popped in yesterday, he told me we could meet up in the shop then grab some food or someth- is everything okay?” Jimin’s perplexed and concerned voice inquired above her.

As soon as he said Taehyung, (Y/N) froze up. He skipped work, where he would be with her and the cute dogs and be getting paid, just to see Taehyung.

‘It doesn’t mean that much,’ she tries to reassure herself. ‘He’s just wanting to see possibly the most gorgeous man you have ever seen in your life. It means nothing.’

‘Liar. He doesn’t want to hang out with you.’ The mean voice in her head spat back.

“(Y/N)?” Jimin tried to pull away and bent down to see her face. “Was it something I said?”

“NO! I mean, no. I’m just. Glad you got to get out for the day. How was it?” (Y/N) forced herself to smile and look back into Jimin’s furrowed eyebrows.

“I guess it was good, but I was still pretty worried about you. Are you sure you’re okay…?” Jimin tried again, but (Y/N) shook her head defiantly.

“Yes, I’m sure I’m good right now. Give me the juicy deets about you and Tae yesterday!” (Y/N) once again forced herself into the supportive best friend role. Jimin deserves a great person to be with him, and if that person is Kim Taehyung before it’s her, she will help her coworker in any way she could.

(Why did it hurt so much when she referred to Jimin as her coworker?)

A blush formed its way across his cheeks as he thought about the patience his TaeTae showed him after he was swamped with thoughts of (Y/N) and if she was ok.

“It was really nice… he’s a great guy and I really like being with him. He just- he gets me in ways I feel like nobody else does, y’know?” Jimin softly admits as he finds a seat next to one of the grooming stations.

(Y/N) feels faint. She basically crumbles onto the ground right in front of Jimin. She looks up at him expectantly, waiting for more information that would completely destroy her heart.

‘That was you. You were the person who got me as nobody else has.’ She thought somberly, wishing she could voice out her feelings to Jimin. ‘Was I not enough?’

“He’s so patient and understanding and… I could talk about him all day,” Jimin sighs dreamily as he rests his beautiful cheek into his palm, “It might be a little soon, but I think he might be my soulmate.”

(Y/N) physically recoiled. This was the slap in her face that she had been expecting, but him voicing his feelings was like a horrible moment of finality. She tried to play her flinch off as getting dog hair off her clothes, and Jimin hadn’t even thought twice about it.

Fuck. That cut way too deep, way more than she had prepared for. She keeps her head low so Jimin can’t try to make any eye contact.

“I’m really happy for you Jiminie.” (Y/N) says dully, but with some sincerity. “You seem to be so much happier when he’s around. You deserve this.”

Jimin’s adorable teeth flashed at her as a full smile graced his already perfect face. “You really think so? Wait, is it that obvious?!”

“You look at each other like you’re meant to be. You two must be soulmates!” (Y/N) grits out despite the tears wanting to well. “You have to tell him and let me know what happens!!”

“I’m gonna call him and see if he wants to hang out again tonight! You’re the best, honey, I love you!” he shouts as he runs out of the back.

She can’t even manage a response as she walks to the back door, shuts it, and locks it.

(Y/N) can’t see straight. She can’t think straight either, as she whips out her cell phone and dials the first contact she sees on her phone. She hadn’t even meant to call anyone, truly, but it was too late to stop her sluggish mind from pressing onto a name.

“Hello?” Min Yoongi answers the phone. A response doesn’t come, except for a loud sniffle and another sob. “(Y/N)-ssi? What’s wrong?”

The dog groomer barely knows this man, how he even got into her contacts was beyond her, but all she wanted was somebody next to her.

“Can you- can- come here please? The shop?” (Y/N) barely got the words out of her sore throat but Yoongi seems to understand them.

“I- Ok, I’ll be there in about 10 minutes. Do you want to stay on the line with me?” he asks the sobbing girl gently. His soft voice was soothing and nice, but it didn’t matter much.

She couldn’t respond. Her head was filled with three words. Three words that meant so much that hurt so much just because of the context.

I love you.

Taunting and repeating in her head for seemingly hours, until the front door jingled. She saw Yoongi burst into the store quickly and that was the last thing she saw before she closed her puffy and swollen eyes.

#bts #bts x reader #ot7 x reader #bangtan x reader #bangtan #bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts taehyung #bts namjoon #bts seokjin #bts yoongi #bts hoseok #bts rm #bts jhope #bts suga #bts jin #bts v #bangtan boys

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

Note

hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead.

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it.

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise.

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives.

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope.

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think.

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

#writing advice #writing

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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year

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just in case i don’t want to talk abt this any more tw incest u could just delete this

horrific n downright wrong. i wanna say u n everyone else includin that anon did not deserve this n the collective u deserves so much more but i am so grateful seein people talk abt this. i was raised w the extreme pressure that my gen was goin to break the cycle of that type of abuse n i have to come to terms that we didn’t n that’s ok at least to me. it’s so hard to admit to n so impactful to say out loud but it’s what has to b done. it a type of trauma that’s been in my fam for many many yrs n i gaslight myself into believin that we broke it. i stayed in denial n tbh still am in denial bcuz it’s so hard to blame a fam member. esp for me a girl n a teenage girl at that. this isn’t always the universal reaction so there is no guilt if this isn’t the case or if it is but u still luv them no matter what they did it’s so hard to blame them. but sexual abuse is sexual abuse. i hope to god every day that when i have children that will b when the cycle is broken n it all stops but i will never put the verbal pressure on them the way my parents did. one of them was a victim of smthn v extreme so i do not blame them (there it is again) but it’s torture to feel like u let them down when u did nothin wrong. admitting is always the first step to healin. i’m so proud of u for talkin abt this n that anon n everyone else.

ya! i think even though its uncomfortable as hell and disturbing its important that we talk about it. thank you <3 im proud of everyone who pitched in too, and of you, thank u for sharing; its really not easy. i dont think this is the sort of thing we can heal from individually, you know? especially when its a cultural thing. theres so much shame and fear and repression surrounding this kind of stuff, and the only way were gonna heal from it is if, like u said, well start accepting it and talking about it

and yea youre right it is really hard. like my father crossed any possible line with what he did and he abuses his wife too and. i really just want him dead like i dont give a damn, i have to try to calm myself bc i get too focused sometimes on how much i actually want him to suffer. but even with him at times im like,,,, ,, eh but i still care abt him? i went through a whole phase where i felt like it was my responsabilites to help him or like heal him from how deranged he is lmao. but it doesnt last long. but with everyone else its different. (?) like. i realized like idk a year ago that uh yea my grandma did lowkey molest me and it actually made me feel fucking insane. i had no idea what do with it and i still dont?? and its fucked and definitely not ok but like...,,, we all pretend like its fine or just didnt happen i guess bc its,, normal? acceptable??? its weird as all hell, most of the time i just kinda try to not think abt it because i have no idea how to even feel abt the woman when i do. if anything as much as it definitely kinda fucked me up, im frankly way more pissed abt the physical abuse/beatings and endless insults and yelling and shit - like that actually probably did more damage to me. but still like idk yea i .. idk if i excuse it but i definitely explain it like oh she didnt know better etc etc etc. but that doesnt.. ugh it doesnt excuse it?? but i still love her and care for her?? its a fucking nightmare to try to detangle all that. and the shit w my mom too and other family members like uh yea it grosses me out and definitely got to me, this combination of being raised as property + controlling parents + sexualized + actually being whored out by father has k.o.d whatever mental sanity i could have had and it took me many years to.... idk. even start remotely working through all that. but. i still care abt them...?? i think the fact that its no longer happening and dont rly consider it on the same level as the shit w my dad makes it kinda different in my head but its still not fucking ok

and yea. definitely one of the hardest parts of it is being blamed for being uncomfortable/grossed out or even punished for being so when rly thats such a normal reaction to have to this shit. it is psychologically torturous and it is gaslighting and it rly fucks u up in the head..... and its really hard to get to the point where u dont feel like u did anything wrong or you werent to blame. i do presume that w this particular kind of shit tho a lot of it is that they probably went through similar stuff, internalized and repressed it, never dealt w it, and then just proceed to do the same

i hope to god too ill be different. i want to believe in both of us and this new generation that we'll do a better job. i think the fact that were even talking abt it shows some progress u kno. my mother and grandmother told me for many years that i wont do a better job than them and its just normal for kids to be raised w beatings and yelling and insults and controlling behavior and all that shit,,,, but. ive always been terrified of that. since i was little i knew if i ever had a kid i wouldnt want to put them through any of this. if i cant break the cycle id rather not raise a kid at all. at least for the past like year or two my mother has actually accepted that some of the shit she did wasnt okay and that she was abused by my grandmother too and..... apologized??? which was insane. so. idk. its been a long and weird fucking process. but. i dont think its hopeless

#lmao speaking of mommy issues #god so many of us are so fucked up huh

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shippinglover · 3 years

Text

Favorite Supernatural Characters

Just my fav supernatural characters because I felt like it

10. Ruby

Her ‘I am awesome’ speech is amazing (Honestly one of the best villian speeches) but I liked her character and her little relationships built with the boys. I wish she stayed good as it would have been amazing development and proved that not all monsters are bad to Dean-Which is why shes so low. Still really liked her though.

9. Bela

I dont know how popular she is in the show-But I really, really enjoyed her. It might be my bias towords Loren Cohan but I thought she was an interesting mix for the boys. She was sexually dominate, clever, and a strong fighter. I think its a shame she never came back after her first few episodes-But it was understandable that her actress found a new gig.

8. Lucifer

Lucifer was somehow all equal parts funny, terrifying, and heartbreaking. He has this kinda cold air around him-That even when he’s smiling or joking it seems as if hes ready to just jump at your throat. But he also has nuance-He feels as if hes right and that hes not a monster-And he actually loves his fellow angels. Especially Micheal and Gabrial as well as his father. And his arc with Jack was also just very sad for my soul. I feel bad for him-But I also love to see him kick butt so. Bad guy Lucifer is just as good as Dad Lucifer.

7. Claire

Ahh, Claire. My Dean coded little bby. Shes fragile, strong, and childish all in one. Shes a kid who never got to be a full kid-Angels having taken that away from her. Her abandonment issues are very prevalent and I can relate to them. Also have the rebel character be a girl is something new to me-It usually is a guy. Shes rude, sarcastic and doesnt hold back-Also her little storyline with Kaia is just. so cute and tragic.

6. Sam

Sam is a really cool character because hes either a chaotic mess or a lawful booknerd. Theres literally no in between and I love it. His arc revolving around his rage issues in the first couple of seasons and that devloping into a blood addiction-It was really cool. As well as how his relationship with Dean gets tested time and time again-And right when you think he’ll let go of Dean or that he doesnt love him as much he proves you wrong. I really enjoy him.

5. Meg

People just really dislike Meg in the fandom-But I really liked her a lot. I thought her enterance was badass, I liked that we had a tough female villian who wasnt afraid to have a real fight and I also liked that she was shown to get softer towords the end of her run. Her and Cas were adorable and I wish they expanded on her relationships with not only him but Sam. I think Meg deserved better honestly. I also enjoyed the way she spoke-Not just her tone, which is all kinds of hot for my gay heart-But her words. I think she was really funny.

4. Rowena

Rowena is just really great. A powerful witch who is the mother of the King of Hell-Then eventually becomes the queen of hell? What an icon. Shes adorable too with her accent. And I love her flair for the dramatics-Honestly shes just so great. Her relationship with Sam was wonderful as well-I absolutely adored it. I also liked the little soft spot she seemed to have developed for Jack-I just really liked her as a whole.

3. Dean

Dean is one of the most talked about characters so I probably dont have to go off on him. Hes complex with all kinds of trauma in him from survivals guilt to internalized homophobia to himself, to childhood abuse and so much more-Hes riddled with it all. But looking past his issues hes a parental (And Maternal) family man who just wants to goof off and help people. He’d do anything for the people he loves-To a unhealthy degree. I just really love him.

2. Jack

L o o k a t m y s o n. Hes so adorable I CANT. He just wants to help people and have his dads love him okay? He’s a pure bean who has way to much on his toddler shoulders. And who else do you know that just casually becomes god after stealing his powers therefore rendering him a helpless mortal? Not a soul thats who. What a absolute king. We love to see it.

1. Cas

Listen, I’m a unashamed cas girl. I just love this dorky but badass angel. He’s loyal and can kill you with a snap of his fingers but he doesnt understand pop culture referenced much. I just really love him okay? And his struggled with faith and choosing between being a human or a ‘real’ angel and doing the most human thing by loving his found family and just. I could go on and on with him because dont even get me STARTED on this boys devlopment-

Honerable Mentions-

Kelly

Anael

Bobby

Charlie

Hannah

Kevin

Anna

#supernatural #castiel #jack kline #dean winchester #meg masters #claire novak #sam winchester #rowena macleod #ruby #bela talbot #lucifer #bobby singer #kevin tran #charlie bradbury #anna milton #hannah #kelly kline #anael

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tac-confessions · 3 years

Text

K lemme clear some stuff up since some of you cant read, and yes im gunna be aggressive as hell in this because none of you listen

First few things, i am not suicidal, i did not say i was going to off myself, i do not know who that anon was but because of everyone saying that anon was me, that anon is not getting the help they deserve from you people so maybe instead of looking for another petty reason to justify your actions against me, think for a second how ignorant your actions are to someone who is legitimately struggling with life right now. How do you think that anon feels? To have posted that as an attempt to seek help or something or to vent, and then see everyone going “omg vlixxie did this to guilt trip deku!!1!” Yeah, please use your brains thank you

To clarify, what i said was that i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendancies in the past, im getting help and im getting better, but i still struggle with heavy depression, i did not intend for this to be a guit trip, i realized how aggressive i was towards deku and i attempted to explain why i got so angry at them, receiving vivid violence threats like that really can trigger memories of when i was struggling with life, it can trigger a lot of dissociation and anger and hard shit to deal with, please do not take my words out of context if your going to go off on me for that, no one likes a hypocrite

K second thing, can you FUCK OFF with the ableist autism comments what the actual fuck is wrong with you anons. Seriously? You think people are defending me because im uwu autistic cant do shit? Yeah i have autism, yeah its a disorder thats hard af to deal with, but you know what? I fucking deal with it because life doesnt go soft on you because yoy have more trouble navigating it. I know how to control myself, i know how to form words, i can function as a human being and implying that i cant and that thats the only reason people are defending me is sickening and dehumanizing. Stop minimalizing me and the autistic community as a fucking whole just because you want reasons for me to be at fault

Next point, the slurs, oh the slurs, deku used the R slur against me. Deku did not know i was autistic, i did not ever expect them to have known that as i didnt tell them so i’d appreciate it if you dropped that whole “how could deku know!!” Im not mad because deku used a specific slur against autistic people against me. Im mad because deku used a slur as an insult. As i have been informed, deku also has some kind of disorder, but thats none of my business so i wont ask. The point is, deku has a disorder so in technicality he is likely eligable to reclaim the R slur. The issue with how deku used the slur was they used it as an insult, thats not how reclaiming works, reclaiming a slur is a process used by the minority to slowly take the edge away, to take away its power, so it cant be used against them anymore. When you “reclaim” a slur by using it as an insult, your giving it more power, your using it to descriminate, your doing literally the oposite of reclaiming. So dont come at me with the “deku can use the slur” because while thats true, using a slur to belittle or insult someone takes away any rights you might have and makes you just as discriminatory as anyone else using a slur as an insult

My triggers, so as i gave mentioned in this and as i have mentioned in notes and past posts, violence indicators and threats in general are pretty triggering for me, i dont know why ya’ll started saying “how could deku know??” Because i never said i expected them to know, newsflash, i really dont. Im not open about most of my triggers because most are centered around trauma or are embarrassing to talk about, ya’ll think i wanna be out here talking about how i used to wanna off myself? Ya’ll think im enjoying that? Nah not one bit i’d rather shut my damn mouth on that but it’d just give you people yet another reason to come at me so here we are. Deku did not know those two things would especially set me off, but the fact of the matter is that deku used a slur against me, and deku threatened me. Wether those two things are triggers for me or not they’re disgusting behavior and sick. The reason i brought up the triggers was like i said earlier, to try and explain why i got so aggressive at deku in addition to the original nature of the threats and insults

I legitimately dont know what “evidence” ya’ll have against me but your claiming you got screenshots of me doing/saying something that apparently warrants you to attack me, before ya’ll start sending those screens out like u claim your gunna do, maybe you should dm me and ask for my side, instead of furthering the one sided nature of this shitshow. I do have beef with endo rn, i have had beef with endo for a while now, but i kept it all in private, i didnt say anyting, i vented to my friends a few times because it was stressful as fuck and it was eating me up inside, i gave them screenshots when they asked but i literally never took this public. So before you try to attack me for “publicly” shaming endo, maybe consider that you are literally the people who made this a public affair and literally publicly shamed *me* for nothing

You had no reason to make this public, you had no reason to attack me, you’re grasping at straws trying to find a way to justify your actions, your trying to use me as a scape goat to take the blame off you, but you know what? I own up to my actions, i apologize when necessary, i genuinely want to better myself when i fuck up. And i dont use my mental health or my disorders as a sheild, i explain them when it’s necessary to the situation so dont twist that against me because it’ll only make you more of an asshole

Finally, people arent defending me because i have autism, people arent defending me because im “helpless” people are not defending me because i cant control myself or for any reason your describing, people are defending me because someone blatantly publicly threatened me with no basis and continued to harrass me and bully me into submission. To keep saying people are defending me because i have autism is not only offensive to me as a person with autism, its offensive to the whole ass community, we can take care of ourselves, just because we’re different doesnt mean you can pick our strengths and weaknesses apart and force an identity upon us

So before you make another post trying to further pin everything on me and make more shitty comments against me to justify yourself, consider that maybe you actually fucked up

And for the record, you keep saying i fucked up and im deflecting and i got called out, no one has told me how i fucked up, no one has told me why i apparently deserve this, so how the fuck do you expect me to apologize for actions i did that you wont tell me about. I cant apologize for things i didnt know offended or hurt you, not unless you downright tell me that it hurt you, im not a mind reader, and publicly shaming me isnt going to change that

Thank you.

#TW #submission #suicide ment #trauma ment

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chlodani · 4 years

Text

This is a brand new smau that I'm writing. Its actually my first. It's a Zuko x F!Reader pairing.

Trigger warning! If you're sensitive to things like car accidents and hospitals I'm warning you ahead of time. Read at your own risk. . .

Zuko is getting tired of his relationship with Mai. He feels it's not exactly enough, and he wants more. Though he doesn't know what. He seems to have a certain attraction to his best friend Y/N, but is too stubborn and grumpy to tell her or really talk about it at all. She likes him, but is too afraid to say anything because of his relationship with Mai. Though could things take an unexpected turn for Zuko and Y/N when something happens to her and he's afraid of losing her. . .

Beginning Part 15. . .

Special Edition. . .

Y/N'S P.O.V.

The Night Before. . .

I sat on the couch drinking what's left of my can of diet pepsi. The ones I only have like five left of, because Sokka stole most of them when he was here. I love picking on him. Zuko volunteered to come over and stay the night again tonight. He says he doesn't like leaving me alone, but I think the truth is he's the one that doesn't like to be left alone. Either that or he just loves being here with me. We were watching tv together. Though we were mainly just ignoring the tv, and talking. Zuko walked back over to the couch, sitting back down next to me. I knew he could tell I wasn't feeling the greatest. He turned off the tv looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" Zuko asked me in a concerned loving voice.

I turned myself more to face him. I sighed as I looked at the pattern on my couch.

"Zuko, what if I never remember who I really am? -"

He sighed softly as he looked at me. I looked at him.

"What if I never remember who you guys really are?" I asked him saddened.

"You will -"

Zuko moved himself closer to me.

"This isn't going to last forever, - I promise," Zuko said to me reassuringly.

"How can you be so sure? - I have a sister who I don't remember, best friends who are the most amazing people in the world who I don't remember, - and a man I think I'm in love with who I barely remember,"

"You think?"

"Feelings don't lie Zuko, - and that's how I've been feeling lately,"

Zuko softly moved his hand over, taking mine in his.

"You have me, - that's how I know you're going to remember us - and me,"

I softly smiled as I looked at him.

"Thanks Zuko,"

He moved even closer to me.

"So, you really think you're in love with me?"

I pressed my lips together.

"I dont know – I might be,"

"Would a kiss help you determine the truth?"

A shy smile passed me as a blush formed on my cheeks.

"A kiss - possibly more,"

Zuko smiled placing a hand on my neck, pressing our lips together. As he formed a passionate kiss, I had a strange suspicion that it would lead to more. And that to me was more than okay.

The Next Day. . .

I stood in a ready to fight stance waiting for Aang to throw his first rock at me. I could tell he was nervous.

"I still dont think this is a good idea," Zuko stated as he stood next to Katara.

"Shut up Zuko, this is our last option!" Toph said to Zuko infuriated.

"Y/n, are you sure you want to do this?" Aang asked me.

"Yes, I'm sure, - Toph, is right, - this might be my only option left," I responded.

"Y/n, there are other options," Zuko said to me.

He sounded concerned. A slight frustrated look crossed me.

"Like what?! Waiting to see if my memories will just come back on their own?! Its been weeks Zuko, I'm tired of waiting around. I hate not being able to remember you guys! Or what we used to do together, – I want to remember, - I'm desperate Zuko," I said to him.

"Are you ready Y/n?" Aang asked me still seeming nervous.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I replied.

"Remember to keep your stance steady Y/n," Katara reminded me.

I nodded.

"You're really sure about this?" Aang asked me again.

"Aang just do it," I told him a little infuriated.

He sighed, "Okay," he spoke.

He stood in his stance. I took in a deep breath before returning to mine. There was a fountain right beside me, so I had the water. I was just afraid, I didnt have the skill. Aang nodded to me as he looked directly at me. I nodded back to him. He chucked the rock at me with Earthbending. I tried to Waterbend an ice wall in front of me, but my waterbending wasn't strong enough. The rock Aang chucked at me threw me back into the wall. As I hit the wall, the back of my head bounced off of it almost as hard as it could.

"AANG!!!!!" Zuko, Sokka, and Sapphire exclaimed together as they ran over to me.

My vision was blurry and my head was fuzzy. I could still hear what was going on around me. In my blurry vision I could see the shapes of my friends around me.

"What happened?!" Toph asked in a worried concern, while also the hint of freaking out in her voice.

"Aang, three Y/n, back into a wall," Zuko responded slightly angry.

I could feel his hands touch my shoulder and my arm. I had my hand on my head, from the pain. Things were still blurry.

"It - it was an accident," Aang exclaimed with shame and guilt crossing his voice.

I tried to speak but I had a massive headache.

"Y/n, are you okay?" Katara asked me in worry.

"I - I -"

I grunted as I still held my head.

"Katara do something!" Zuko ordered her.

"I'll try," Katara spoke.

She used her waterbending, placing her hands on my head. Zuko had moved my hands, taking them in his. Katara concentrated and suddenly I felt so much better. I blinked my eyes a few times, before looking around at my friends. They were all just staring at me with concern in their eyes.

"Thanks Katara," I said to her softly.

"You're welcome Y/n," She said to me softly.

I sighed softly as I looked at Sokka. A thought just occured to me.

"And Sokka I've got a bone to pick with you," I said to him as Zuko helped me stand up.

"What did I do?" Sokka asked seeming offended.

"You stole my beef sticks! And my last three diet pepsi's!" I said to him slightly infuriated.

Sokka looked a little shocked that I found out.

"How did you find out about that?" Sokka asked me.

"The last time I was in that drawer where I hid them, I had almost an entire package left, and yesterday when I looked in the drawer they were gone," I explained to him.

"Then why didnt you say something yesterday?" He asked me.

A confused look crossed me.

"I - dont know," I answered.

A hopeful excited look crossed Toph.

"Wait, Y/n, did you remember that?" Toph asked me hopeful.

"I - I'm not sure," I responded clueless.

"Okay, Y/n, tell me one thing - last year during the summer, Sokka accidentally knocked down your sandcastle you worked really hard on, what did you tell him you'd do to him?" Toph asked me with hope filling her voice.

"I told him I was going to kick his a*s. And I did it, by using my waterbending to throw him back into the water and then freeze him in a ball of water. I loved the look on his face, - Though he got me back later that night, when you guys spent the night at my house. He stole my last fudgy bar I had in the freezer," I answered in the most casual tone.

"SHE REMEMBERS!!!!!" They all exclaimed as they attacked me with hugs.

I laughed as I hugged them. Though Zuko was right beside me, I did feel a little awkward. I have forgiven him for what he did to me, but after last night and now that I remember everything, this us just a tad bit awkward.

"I can't believe it! You really remember!" Sokka exclaimed as he held me tighter.

As everyone leaned back, I turned to look at Sokka.

"I'm still gonna kick your a*s Sokka, for stealing my beef sticks," I told him sternly.

He just sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. I laughed softly. I turned to Aang.

"Oh, and Aang -"

"Yeah?" He asked me with a smile.

Without another word I used waterbending to blast him back a few feet. I laughed as I walked closer to him. Toph laughed.

"Ha! Good one sis!" Toph said to me with a smile.

Toph used to call me sis. I was like her big sister, and she felt comfortable with me. I wrapped my arms around her in a hug.

"I missed you Y/n," Toph said to me happily.

"I know," I told her.

Aang coughed slightly as he stood up. I walked closer to him.

"Sorry about that Aang," I said to him casually.

"That's okay, I deserved it, -"

Aang wrapped his arms around me.

"Its good to have you back Y/n," he said to me happily.

"What about me? -"

Zuko walked closer to me. Aang and Toph stepped away from me as Zuko stepped closer. I cleared my throat slightly. Zuko wrapped me in a hug. I still felt kind of awkward, but I'm glad things are okay for us. I'd say they were more than okay, - in so many words. Zuko looked into my eyes with a soft smile. He started to lean over to kiss me. I let his lips touch mine for a few seconds before moving back. I cleared my throat again.

"Its good to be back," I spoke before walking away from him.

Taglist:

@cece-lives-here

@sokkas--boomerang

@la-lay

@cuddlykoala101

@zukochi

@mochminnie

@theblueslytherin

@coldlilheart

@coconutsaiyan

@rosestyles69

@juniperwoodwell

@crazylokonugget

@fanficflaneuse

@dailytrashypanda

If you want to be apart of the taglist message me or reply. I'd be happy to add you

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