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honeyhhearted · 9 months

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Sweet Dreams

Read on AO3

Warnings: Health Anxiety, Depression, Mentions of Illness (No one is sick, reader just suffers from severe anxiety)

Relationship: Loki/Reader

Summary:

You can't sleep (again).

You're afraid of burdening Loki, so you try to face it alone, when he catches you on one of your sleepless nights.

A/N:

Another fluff short for you <3

I personally really struggle with health anxiety/mild hypochondria, so this one is partially for me too.

You couldn’t sleep again.

When you got out of bed, eyes stinging, neck aching, you sighed to yourself. You hadn’t been able to get any sleep for the last few weeks. Nights spent staring into your phone until 3AM, watching the sun rise and dragging yourself out of bed every day were starting to wear you down. You were sluggish, shoulders drooping, dark circles beneath your eyes.

The sounds of the night kept you company.

You padded quietly down the hallway, doing your best not to wake Loki. You didn’t want to worry him. Part of you knew that you should tell him. He could probably help you, you thought. But something in you tightened at the thought of inconveniencing him. He had a difficult enough time sleeping as it is, without you waking him in the dead of night. You didn’t want to become a burden more than you already were.

Night time was when anxiety plagued you the worst. Its spindly tendrils wrapped themselves around your chest, squeezing every time you dared to close your eyes. What if someone broke in, and you couldn’t stop them? What if they hurt you? What if they hurt him?

Every ache and pain in your body scared you. Sometimes it felt like you were afraid of yourself. You couldn’t let yourself sleep out of fear that you just…wouldn’t wake up. You couldn’t sleep beside Loki without worrying that the usually comforting sound of his even breaths would stop in the middle of the night.

During the day, he would catch you staring too long at a bruise, a scratch. Logically you knew where it would come from. You were incredibly clumsy, prone to bumping into things constantly. But when you could see it, when you stared at the lumps and bumps on your body long enough, you could convince yourself otherwise. Those were the moments he would comfort you, waving a hand over you before telling you, for the eighth time that day, that you were fine.

“Sweetling,” He would say, gently every time, “I promise that you are in good health. What is worrying you so much?”

You always felt a rush of shame. He was so patient, so kind to you, even on the days where he’d have to tell you ten, twelve, times, and his brow would furrow and lips would purse at your fear.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered back. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

So, you stayed awake. Tossing and turning in bed until he drifted off to sleep beside you, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling until your eyes burned and your battery drained. Then you’d get up at 3AM, like clockwork. You’d walk through your home, listening to the soft sounds of crickets outside. You’d sit in the kitchen, coffee prepared in the fridge in advance so the sounds of you rustling around wouldn’t wake Loki.

You sighed. Your head throbbed constantly from exhaustion, and your hands shook. As you sat, sipping your coffee, you felt your eyes begin to water. You were so tired.

It was beginning to take a mental toll on you, the lack of sleep. You were more irritable, snapping at Loki over what you used to laugh about. You knew he deserved better, and you hated yourself when you saw the confusion in his eyes at your poor moods. You just felt so terrible, all the time, and you didn’t know what to do anymore.

Some days, you considered just leaving. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, and you didn’t want to keep dragging him down with you. But the thought of doing so made your stomach clench. So, selfishly, you stayed.

Thor had recommended you see someone. You knew you should. But you just…couldn’t. He approached you hesitantly, some weeks ago, the way someone would a feral animal. He looked so uncomfortable it almost made you laugh to think about, as it was such an out of place look on him.

“I don’t mean to overstep,” he said, awkwardly, “But, sister, are you well? You have been looking…I apologize for my bluntness, overtired. You do not seem physically ill. Has something happened?”

You smiled at him, heart warming at his care for you. The two of you had always been close, but had grown even closer when you started dating his brother. He treated you like a sister, protective and sweet. Your smile faded quickly, though, at his question. You didn’t want to get into it, not when you knew he’d likely tell Loki. You didn’t want to make either of them worry about you - at least not more than they clearly already were.

“I’m okay, Thor, it’s just…I’m just in my own head, I think. That’s all.” Was what you came up with.

He didn’t seem to believe you, but didn’t push it. You were thankful for that. “If you say so. Might I recommend those Midgardian mind healers? Jane regularly attends one.” He looked sheepish. “Don’t tell her I told you. But, I believe it is for moments when you are ‘in your own head’, as you put it.”

You sighed. “I know. I’ll think about it.”

That was weeks ago. You had a tab open to Google, the search “therapists near me” opened on it. It taunted you, most nights. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

“Darling?” A raspy, sleep-filled voice came from behind you. You whipped around, trying to blink away your tears. Loki stood in the entryway to the kitchen, eyes bleary as he looked at you. He was paler than normal, a frown firmly pasted on his face. Your heart thumped. Even half awake, you still found him so beautiful.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” You asked, making your way over to him.

He wrapped his arms around you, breathing you in. You felt your shoulders relax. He always made you feel better, the familiar scent of spice and pine surrounding you as you listened to the strong sound of his heart.

“I woke, and you were not there.” He said. “I dreamt you were gone, and when I woke, you were.”

Guilt squeezed your stomach. Loki’s nightmares were not frequent, but when he had them they would typically revolve around you. You hurt, missing, dead…those nights were the ones he woke, a horrified noise ripping its way out of his throat, his hands shaking, skin pale. He always reached for you, hugging you to him like a lifeline. You felt terrible that you were not there for him.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” You said, your voice muffled into his chest.

“Why are you out here? It is late.” He pressed a kiss to your head before leaning back to look at you.

You hesitated. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I…didn’t want to bother you.” You bit your lip, looking down.

“My love.” His voice was stern, yet gentle. “You are never bothering me. Do you hear me? If you need me, I am here. Always.” He paused, taking in your haggard appearance. “How long has this been happening?”

Tears welled in your eyes. Guilt and shame stabbed through your throat as a sob burst out of you. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” You sobbed, fisting his shirt in your hands. “I didn’t want to worry you, or burden you, or make you take care of me-” You inhaled sharply, the pain in your head worsening as you cried. “I just don’t feel good and I’m scared, please don’t be mad at me I’m sorry I didn’t mean to lie to you -” Loki shushed you, cradling your head to his chest as your whole body quivered.

“My love, my love,” He said to you, rocking slightly. “I am so sorry you have dealt with this alone. I am sorry I did not notice sooner. I am not mad, I could never be mad at you for doing what you thought was a good thing. You are not a burden, darling, you never have been a burden. It is an honor and a privilege to take care of you every day. Every day I spend making you happy is the greatest thing I can do.”

You sobbed harder, squeezing him. “I just - I didn’t want to become a chore, I didn’t want you to resent me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just so tired.”

He shushed you again, softly, before lifting you in his arms. He pressed a kiss to your forehead as he walked you both back to your bedroom.

He laid you in bed gently before summoning a glass of water for you, placing it on your bedside table, and crawling under the covers. He held you as you calmed yourself, pressing kisses all over your face and whispering gentle affirmations to you. He wiped your tears with a sweet softness, massaged your scalp in a way you’d always found comforting, kissed your fingertips. When you caught your breath, you looked up at him through wet eyelashes.

“I think I need to talk to someone.” You said.

He smiled sadly at you. “Thor told me that he recommended a mind healer for you. They are called therapists on Midgard, yes?”

You nodded. “I was too scared to go.”

He kissed the tip of your nose. “I will be with you every step of the way, my sweet love. There is nothing to be afraid of, and if there is, I will be with you.”

You pressed yourself close to him, burying your head into his cool neck as his arms circled you.

“I love you, Loki,” you said quietly.

“And I love you, so much,” He replied.

He began to sing to you, an Asgardian lullaby you had heard many times, but never deciphered. The rhythmic motion of his hands running up and down your back soothed you, as your eyes drooped and you finally drifted off to sleep.

It was the sweetest sleep you’d had in weeks.

#fanfiction #Loki Laufeyson #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki x reader #loki/reader #loki fluff #emotional hurt/comfort #tw health anxiety #health anxiety #hypochondria #tw anxiety #tw depression #nightmares #one shot #angsty fluff

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artemis-pendragon · 2 years

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I am a creature of habits and none of them are very good

#chewing my nails and checking the oven at 3am and feeling my pulse every ten seconds and locking the doors and #ocd #depression #anxiety #mental illness #tw mental illness #bipolar #health anxiety #hypochondria

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nocturnowlette · 1 month

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This is not the regular vibe of my blog, but I found this funny, so I'm just gonna post it.

So I, for a long series of reasons, have health anxiety, and it can get very severe at times. I had a day today that had several different things that raised my anxiety levels up, where the classic triggers from childhood could get a visceral reaction from me before calming down. One of them is smelling something unfamiliar, which my brain thinks is poison gas or an incoming stroke or something.

So I went to the bathroom kinda half-focused since I had been working between the bits of panic, and then a smell I've never smelled before hits my nose. This goes beyond just the immediate spike of anxiety, because I had genuinely never smelled this before. Seconds pass by slowly, I start running through the millions of ways I could and definitely will die because of this smell, and then I realize

I ate asparagus. My pee smells like asparagus. I nearly pissed myself into a panic attack.

The humor of the realization hit me so hard that most of my anxiety disappeared instantly.

#owlette #hypochondria #writing #anxiety #mental health #cooking #health

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ice-block · 1 year

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Reminder for those who need it. Don’t google that symptom, AHT. I see you! Stop it. Put the google down.

#health anxiety #hypochondria

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whimsicallywiddershins · 1 year

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Something people should talk about: Health Anxiety. AKA, being a hypochondriac.

Hypochondriacs are jokes. We are viewed as annoying, silly and nonsensical. Every medical drama will always have a patient who is a hypochondriac, who is the comic relief, the irrational man or woman who badgers the doctor and freaks out over nothing. In real life, people are annoyed and exasperated with hypochondriacs.

But it's a form of anxiety, like all of the others that are finally getting attention and acceptance on social media and in doctors' offices. And, considering that health care is not a sure thing in America, thay getting sick means you can't work, can't pay rent, can't buy food, that's a terrifying and real fear. Having a chronic illness or disability can cause a lot of problems. So its not an entirely irrational fear.

Anxiety can cause a lot of weird symptoms to your body. Random pain, especially in the chest, heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, extreme fatigue, numbness or pins and neeldes in legs, blurred vision, ect. And all of these can be symptoms to some big problems, like heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, brain problems, ect. Which is not reassuring when you are constantly afraid of getting sick.

Health anxiety is terrifying. Its the constant fear that your body will fail you, it's experiencing symptoms that scare you. It's the fear combined with the knowledge that it's in your head, but what if it's not? What if there is a problem, and not going to the doctor now will ruin your life? Can you even trust the doctor to know what they are doing? You've heard horror stories of misdiagnosis and dismissal. What if they think I'm crazy and stop actually checking? Those are the thoughts that run through your head.

So please stop treating health anxiety as a joke. It took me a long time to even realize what was wrong with me, why I was reacting this way. All because I had this bias in my mind that hypochondriacs are silly, useless, and irrational people.

#health anxiety #hypochondria #hypochondriac #anxiety #health #medical #mental health #mental issues #important #disability

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heavenhillgirl · 8 months

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I sure say “I want to die” a lot for someone with crippling health anxiety

#through the roof at the moment #health anxiety #hypochondria #text

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writingtheuniverse · 1 year

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to all my hypochondriacs/people with health anxiety the smartest thing I’ve ever done for my hypochondria is use a period tracker to keep track of my “symptoms” and mood

like genuinely helpful to be able to look back during an episode when I’m afraid my heart is going to give out or I’m going to faint or I have brain cancer or something, look at the same symptoms I felt several weeks ago and see that I was fine/nothing happened (the knowledge that it’s just repeated obsessions on sensations in my body seriously helps)

#hypochondria #health anxiety #personal #when i say this shit is nearly debilitating sometimes it is DEBILITATING #we finding ways to cope

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northernexposuregifs · 1 month

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Yeah, yeah, sure. Tell him about the hat disease.

#northern exposure #nx #90s television #90s tv shows #hypochondria #adam arkin #valerie mahaffey #adam #eve #3x01 the bumpy road to love

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healingwgabs · 7 months

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I've always been pro self-diagnosis... unless you're a hypochondriac, in which case DO NOT self-diagnose, u DO NOT have that thing!!!

#health anxiety #hypochondria #self-diagnosis #lol #anti-oppression #anti-capitalism #accessibility #classism #social justice #psychotic depression symptoms #intersectionality #biopsychosocial #symptoms focus #diagnosis is a privilege

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wrenramblings · 3 months

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Troubled Kids

a poem

TW for references to self-harm and suicide

When I was young for some reason I think for comfort I used to read terrible stories about children doing terrible things to themselves.

Like comparing two blackberries for creep of mold I would dissect the psyches of these children and rummage for neural fragments resembling my own—

look, here, a boy fifteen years old drowned in his bathtub of his own volition and I, too, fourteen at the time occasionally sat in the bath dissolving in acid by my own hand

or a young girl thirteen years old fancied the silver in her household the safety pins and, god forbid, the knives like a rag-doll she tore through her clumsy stitches again and again just to persuade the night: look, believe me, I am red.

Back home where every morning I crept through cobwebs to the bathroom, I dashed the curtain over to hide the tub from view; you see, the boy must have drowned in my bathtub I read all about it, my tub is haunted by him.

Downstairs in the tremor of terror I walked swiftly past the kitchen knives (general use items there was nothing I could do to cover them up) and although the girl certainly ripped at her seams with the old kitchen steel, the knives weren’t haunted yet— even then I knew.

I was not a troubled kid I knew lightning and her subsequent bellow as April knew rain

I was not afraid of the dark I did not understand its purpose but I knew its place.

Then girlhood like forbidden fruit and now the world is made of transactions and forewarnings— thunder means hole up dark means strike flint

yes there will be wonder first you must pay in whatever you can bear to part with, pray it is not yourself.

And that is the story, that is how all of us become troubled kids, that is how I picked up a blade and used it and did not reroute my fury kindly like a wayward traveler but beckoned it into the maw—

and deep in the blue briars and thickets of night, that is why we slice ourselves open from belly to throat: just to hear ourselves do it.

Just to convince the troubled kids of the forest:

look, believe me, I am red.

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