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speakfreely000 · 2 years

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Today's Topic: Responsibility & Accountability

Today's topic comes from something we talked about in my group yesterday, and it really spoke to me. I wasn't sure if these 2 things were the same things, but my boyfriend did point out: "When you do something or anything, and it messes up, you are "Responsible" for the outcomes that unfold (in some instances, you are not. Just wanted to add that). When you are wanting to do something or not, you will hold yourself "Accountable".

Some of us are responsible for a lot, and others so little. Either way, you are showing yourself you're capable of taking care of something. This is precisely why I like having cats and I have 4, (Yes, please pray for me) because I am showing actions of responsibility every day when I feed them or clean their litter box. They depend on me and my boyfriend for that, so we have to maintain responsibility and hold each other accountable to do that for them.

When I was in active use, I was not responsible AT ALL. I would go days without cleaning my house or anything in it. This went on for YEARS. I didn't have a good system for myself in place because, drugs and alcohol were consuming every bit of my time. I wasn't responsible for myself as far as, my health, my bills, or my relationships.

I've gotten a DUI, missed a court date because I was on percocets, ran my car into a wall causing me to get the DUI. I've not taken care of my bills which has had me get 3 evictions and to lose my car not once but THREE times. I've OD'ed on many drugs before I stopped completely. I basically ruined A LOT just for some stupid bullshit drugs. Like I mentioned in a previous blog, God took it all from me because I couldn't take care of my shit, or maybe that I didn't want to.

Sometimes we see responsibility as a chore or an obligation that we don't want. I was in the mindset that I would never grow up, and that was hurting me more than I knew because you DO have to grow up and be an adult and do adult things. Some of us are bestowed with great responsibility, and some wish they could have the list lessened. God doesn't give us something we can't handle. That's our mental saying we can't do it. We have to strengthen it like a muscle.

As far as holding yourself accountable, a lot of us missed that memo time and time again. I know I am guilty of it 100x over. When in my active use, I NEVER held myself accountable. I became the poster child for "Victim Mentality". I would blame others or God for my problems, and that I will always be sick and never get better. At some point, I had to hold myself accountable and look into the mirror. It's never fun or easy, but it has to be done in order to grow and flourish. In my past, at a "church" I used to attend, we had something called "Accountability Partners". This could be a couple, friends, co-workers or siblings. Regardless, we had to keep that person to their word of whatever they said they were going to do.

We have to be that for ourselves sometimes. We forget to. It helps to have someone though, because sometimes you can't do everything all at once by yourself. I have my boyfriend, who has been keeping me in check the last few days regarding my sobriety. If it weren't for him and God I would probably be dead or in jail right now. And even though my boyfriend started being accountable with me first, I have learned to do that myself. So when he's gone at work, I won't have a cow.

The lesson for this is to be responsible and accountable for your own actions and thoughts. People can do these for you, but watch how tiring it gets and at some point you would have to stand on your own 2 feet with that. Don't get complacent in yourself. Push yourself to do the things you know you need to do, you will feel better from it, and thank yourself later. We have to maintain the positive, productive way that we live because one time of slacking off can turn into a nasty habit that you don't want.

Exercise/Homework for this topic:

Think of all that you're responsible for. Stick some post it notes as reminders so you won't forget to maintain the productivity. Get a whiteboard calendar, like I have, so you can visualize all that needs to be done. Put reminders in your phone or alarms if it works better for you.

Find an accountability partner, whether that be: a girlfriend/boyfriend, sibling, co-worker or church friend. Come up with things that you guys can hold each other accountable for that you are wanting to do or not do. You can meet up with this person however many days a week to go over what you guys have, or phone calls work too. I'd like to see us engaged and involved with our fellow human beings and start healthy habits like having accountability partners! Who knows? You might meet a new friend at church, work or school and this is the invitation to have for them become a new friend who can work with you on accountability, you guys can strengthen each other AND maybe come to find God, who gives us all of this through his word and his vessels (His people).

*I know for my exercises some people are not able to write down their lists or homework I give on the topic. I have since switched to typing my affirmations on my laptop. You could do this on your phone, whiteboard, or anything where you're able to input these great exercises/homework. I want this to work the best for my readers because this is all for you and some for me, I can't lie.*

Thank you again my fellow readers, I love doing this every day it gives my brain time to let all the thoughts out. Please feel free to DM me with any requests for topics you want covered. Or email me directly at [email protected]

Have a great day today and let's be responsible and accountable for ourselves and others if they're willing!

-Mariah

#writing #blog #blogger #blogging #tumblr poets #freewriting #selflove #mentalhealth

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tiaramaki · 3 years

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Is it always God's will for Christians to be healed?

I've seen all three sides of this issue from various people and denominations, and there's some arguments that can make sense from two of them. It is pretty difficult to word the short answer, since if I say it wrong, I risk either sounding like one of the "everything is good and rainbows" preachers, or a heretic that believes that healing is unbiblical and we sin if we wish for good health at all.

Ultimately, from some interpretations of scripture and testimonies from other ministers and people and myself, I would have to say "Like many prayers, whether we receive healing or not depends on circumstances and certain factors; however, even though healing isn't always obtained, He will never place a sickness on Christians Himself". Let me explain.

When we do see Christ healing the people in the New Testament, He: a) does express His will for healing in Matthew 8:3 with the leper (and touching him to heal, to boot), b) expresses that some people had gained the healing they wished through their faith (the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9:20-22/Mark 5:27-34; the centurion with the servant in Matthew 8:8-10,13; the blind beggar in Luke 18:40-42; the blind men in Matthew 9:27-30), c) although interestingly, He also does this for the people in Nazareth in Mark 6:4-6 despite their lack of faith in Him (although healing is not mentioned in Matthew 13:58's account of that moment).

We also have had healings in the New Testament after Christ's ascension, such as with Paul in Acts 28:8 and Peter in Acts 3:6. We also see instructions such as James 5:14-16 for those who are sick.

1 Peter 2:24 is one verse I've seen and heard many times that's used for the argument of healing being His will for us. Some people have put forth arguments of it meaning a physical healing, others a spiritual kind of healing in relation to our salvation. The older Greek word that's translated as "you were/are/have been healed" (depending on your translation), ἰαθῆτε, also is used in James 5:16. The root word of this Greek verb, which is ἰάομαι, which has two definitions according to the Strong's lexicon. One is "to make whole; to free from errors and sins, to bring about (one's) Salvation"; the other is "to cure, heal", thus both. And all variations of this word in the older Greek appears in the various verses I've already provided where physical healings have occurred (in fact, it seems more like the majority of variations are in relation to physical healing, 26 compared to the spiritual's 2 in the KJV according to Blue Letter Bible).

So from the looks of things, it seems that healing is something that God would see as good for us to have, since He has done it quite a bit in the New Testament. But not every prayer for supernatural healing is answered with that healing (I can count myself for two examples). So what would the circumstances and factors be for not receiving healing if we've asked for it?

One possible factor can be a level of faith. That's not to say that you don't have any faith whatsoever if your healing doesn't come, but different people have different levels of faith; some people need to build their faith to higher points to get a certain level of healing, like how one may do exercises to strengthen certain muscles. It's more of how we think about "big" vs "little" healings: diabetes we consider bigger than just a bad scrape on our knee in our natural minds (just to give an example) so to us, a higher level of faith could be needed. Jude 1:20 comes to mind for the instruction of building one's faith up. As for the level of faith, Matthew 17:19-21 is one example (the sickness came from a demon possessing the boy, and the healing came after it was driven out; the disciples could not drive it out themselves because, in Christ's own words, their lack of faith). For my circumstances with my health, I would say I have some need to build my faith a little further, especially considering my own fears I have because of them. I may say to myself that I have a strong enough faith, but sometimes even the words that I say regarding them make me realize I have some way to go before I get to that mustard seed level.

A second possible reason is the motive for your wish for healing. I'm going to be optimistic and say that the vast majority of prayers for healing are for good reasons and quality of life for us. But there are some reasons that can be sinful--say that someone with eyesight problems wants healing for "staring at cute girls/boys" (unironically), or to have stomach problems go away just to eat outside of moderation, or to take revenge or hurt someone. Having been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes three years ago (with it developing sometime before that), it's brought on a lot of worries and sadness and fear for me, but it also has taught me the importance of eating in moderation through a less-than-ideal circumstance; my one uncertainty is, am I disciplined enough that when/if my healing comes, will I continue eating well on my own?

Another possibility is that the physical or mental condition one has could be used to help lead another to salvation, or to help oneself be or staying strong in the faith. Say that one has an illness that requires going to a place where many people are. There are opportunities to help bring the others to Christ, or to even build up another's faith through discussion, and no one else would be a better candidate for that. Or for another example, even though Asperger's Syndrome is something that's hindered me socially in many many ways (and I do gripe about it quite a bit), it's likely been why I've been so adamant about my beliefs and my faith (even though I'm sure it's been a headache to some people).

A mighty work can be done even without healing taking place or it being done when the ailment has progressed, which could lead others into salvation that way. Take, for example, Lazarus, who did not receive healing while living. Instead, Christ brought him back from the dead, and that miracle would surely bring people to believe in Him as Messiah, if not glorify God.

It could also be an exercise in patience on His timing as well. A lot of us nowadays could be reasonably considered as impatient because of how our cultures are and how we want things to happen as soon as we want them to. Luke 11:10 comes to mind; keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking even if it doesn't come to you in the timeframe you've set for it to be there.

This factor I've only known about through one minister's secondhand testimony (which is why I've listed it as last), but it's something that I think needs to be added to the list: if, after healing is obtained, the Christian may turn away from the faith for good, in which case God would see it better for that one to leave the world while still being saved. But this is a very rare circumstance, so certainly don't panic and immediately think this may be your reasons for not having received healing.

I'm sure there are other factors that may come into play, but these are all that I can think of so far. But don't lose faith if healing hasn't arrived; just because a package hasn't come in yet doesn't mean you'll never get it. He can also use your circumstances for good, whether for yourself or for others.

However, I will say one thing, and this relates to the last point of the short answer: whatever your physical or mental ailment may be, God did not put it on you. We live in a fallen world, where sickness and disease had come in by way of Original Sin. Even Christ said, "'What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead...? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?'" (Luke 11:11-12). God did not force my body to develop type 2 diabetes (that was my fault) or for me to be Aspergic (that was the fault of the natural world being as broken as it is). He does not give you or your family members cancer, or force unborn children to be miscarried, or made me get Covid to "help save someone from someplace far away through my suffering". But people who do say stuff like that (that one post about healing came to mind, and it drove me into a rage because of that one person saying stuff to that effect), we're making Him to be the thing that many, many unbelievers assume Him to be, a God that puts suffering onto us despite living our lives to Him. There's a difference between "what was done for evil, God will use for good" and "God gave this evil to you for the sake of good."

Sorry this took so long. Like I said before, I might not have covered everything (I've been working on this so long I'm starting to get hungry, oops), so I apologize if I missed anything.

#asks #tiara talks #tiara's christian theology longpost tiem

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whentherewerebicycles · 3 years

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some thoughts that might seem unrelated but aren’t, i promise:

— in that atomic habits book I read a couple weeks back the author talks about using a specific, action-oriented question repeated throughout the day to help you build or break habits (like “what would a physically fit person do?” or “what would a sober person do?”).

— the aging books i was reading last month noted that people who score high in conscientiousness (on the Big Five personality traits) tend to age most successfully ie enjoy the longest stretch of active years. to quote this article, conscientiousness is “a fundamental personality trait—one of the Big Five—that reflects the tendency to be responsible, organized, hard-working, goal-directed, and to adhere to norms and rules...Conscientiousness comprises self-control, industriousness, responsibility, and reliability. A conscientious person is good at self-regulation and impulse control. This trait influences whether you will set and keep long-range goals, deliberate over choices, behave cautiously or impulsively, and take obligations to others seriously.” I tend to score very high in openness but very, very low in conscientiousness. more on this in a bit...

— my sister and i were talking recently about different kinds of intelligence, and also about core values. one of hers is efficiency, a word that i have all kinds of negative associations with lol but that she explained in ways i found really intriguing. for her efficiency isn’t about, like, Maximizing Productivity for Capitalism but is about methodically searching for the most effective, least confusing or redundant, most easily-communicable-to-others way to solve complex problems. when she encounters a system that has all kinds of weird bottlenecks or inefficient, time-consuming ways of completing a task (esp if the rationale for those methods is just “well.. that’s how we’ve always done it”), she starts immediately examining the larger structures and workflows around those bottlenecks to see if the established ways of doing things can be rerouted or simplified, and then she constructs new protocols or tools for people to use instead of the old inefficient way of working. efficiency will never be a core value of mine, in part because i think my humanities-oriented brain accords more value than her STEM/medicine-oriented brain does to wandering, daydreaming, slowed-down thinking, doubling-back or retracing one’s steps, and other “inefficient” modes of thinking that slow down the process but can lead you in unexpected directions or spark unanticipated epiphanies that illuminate the larger structures differently. i think we both share a keen interest in systems-level thinking and in examining whether established ways of doing things are the most effective ways of doing things, but we prioritize different modes of thinking and problem-solving in figuring out how to alter or redesign those larger systems (which is probably a result of temperament differences + our field-specific training).

THAT SAID, i have been thinking a lot about how one area of my own intelligence i would like to sharpen/hone in both my professional and personal life is like... a mode of intelligence that is linked to rigor, a more methodical approach to problem-solving, and the ability to construct & more methodically test detailed mental schemas. not quite sure how to articulate that but i feel like my thinking has gotten a little fuzzier than i want it to. and I think maybe this sensed fuzziness in thinking is linked to some of my ongoing feelings of restless discontent re: work. I also just in general want to be more conscientious in how I approach and solve problems, or in how I tackle big and small projects.

— this is more tangentially connected but: i feel like one thing i’ve noticed this year is that a lot of the people i admire professionally are really good at seeking out & taking on lots and lots of additional challenges or commitments, and they can do this in part because they tend to be very conscientious people, ie people who have big-picture vision but are also very detail-oriented and good at managing their time effectively & doing things efficiently so they can take on multiple projects without feeling overwhelmed. i feel like my own low-conscientiousness means that i can’t take full advantage of my high-openness—often i want to take on new projects or challenges but i worry that i’ll overextend myself or that the project will become more time-consuming than i anticipate. i think is linked to a different sort of fuzziness, ie a lack of clarity about how long things take or how much time i have — all combined with a deeply ingrained sense of myself as someone with executive dysfunction issues (poor time management, poor planning skills, poor organizational abilities, etc.). i think of myself as a very inefficient and extraordinarily disorganized person, whether this is 100% accurate or not, and that can sometimes lead to me taking myself out of the running for opportunities or limiting the number of projects i take on out of a fear that i won’t be disciplined enough to see them through.

— another thing my sister and i were talking about recently is how within large families, siblings tend to get assigned a “role” or a personality within the family dynamic very early on, and then they get sort of locked into that over time. everyone in the family expects them to always behave in that way, and there’s often a lot of unconscious resistance to letting your family members change or grow or develop in ways that contradict the clearly defined family role that’s been assigned to them, or the family “story” that everyone else in the family tells about them. you can get locked into both positive and negative roles—or like, often the positive role has a negative flipside. we were talking about how within our family, i’ve been “assigned” to be the “deep thinker” ie the introspective one who spends my life writing and thinking and daydreaming, whereas my sister has been assigned the role of being most like my father, ie very methodical, analytical, unemotional, and action-oriented (and therefore not introspective or inward-looking). and we were talking about how both of these have a negative flipside: my sister feels like she doesn’t get to be a “deep thinker,” or an introspective, emotionally intelligent person; whereas i feel like in my family’s story for me i am forever in “lalaland,” as my mom always says—head in the clouds, an ineffectual dreamer, the absentminded professor who has lots of big thoughts and feelings but is incapable of bringing any of my fantastical ideas to fruition because i have very little practical knowledge or stick-to-itiveness.

— as i’ve said many times before, i feel like i can’t solve the big-picture issues with my job right now, since so many of them are linked to shitty pandemic realities. but i was thinking that maybe one way to begin laying the groundwork for this final year in my job might be to work on strengthening my conscientiousness at the micro-level, ie in small everyday habits and interactions. my hope is that maybe by practicing conscientiousness in lots of small, low-stakes situations, i can start strengthening those muscles and building trust in myself as “the kind of person who does ____” (which i feel like is necessary for me to begin challenging the family story i’ve internalized what i am like). i mean, there is a lot of truth to that family story! but i bet that those aspects of my personality are nowhere near as inflexible or as like, divinely preordained as i have often assumed they are. like, i bet that through practice & through building better habits i can actually become significantly more conscientiousness (reliable, responsible, hardworking, efficient, good at follow-through, self-disciplined, etc) than i am now. and while efficiency may never be as central a value for me as it is for my sister, i think there is probably a way for me to see efficiency and conscientiousness as linked to my own core values, if only because those qualities or traits will allow me to better enact/embody my core values. so i think i can see it not as working against the grain of my personality, but as working to build out less-developed parts of my personality to strengthen the parts of my character that i value most.

— anyway this is all to say that for the last week i’ve been asking myself aloud “what would a conscientious person do?” multiple times a day, really any time i find myself at a small crossroads where i have to make a small decision. do i pick up that piece of cardboard and put it in the recycling bin now or leave it till later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i return that call from the plumber now or put it off until later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i take two minutes to pay that $4 toll bill now or put it on the giant stack of “tasks i will definitely deal with when i’m in the mood to deal with them,” where it will inevitably become a $25 and then $50 bill because i forgot about it and now have to pay late fees? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i comment on that student’s draft now when i’d rather be on the couch scrolling through social media? (i could probably do it tomorrow, when i have another block of free time, but what would a conscientious person do?) i have no idea if it will work in the long term!! but it’s been an intriguing experiment so far, mostly because i think it is teaching me that many of the tasks i build up in my head as incredibly time-consuming are actually quite quick, and once you finish them you also free up all the mental energy you were putting into procrastinating on them, and are better able to move onto the next thing. i also feel like it is teaching me that uhh maybe a conscientious person is not like, a completely different species of human being, but just a person who has different habits or patterns of response to daily choices than i do. that feels important too: if we are what we repeatedly or habitually do, then changing what i habitually do can probably change the kind of person i am! i’m finding that there’s something very useful about the simplicity of the question, too. deliberately posing the question to myself interrupts my habitual, unconscious response (which is always some version of “i don’t have the energy to deal with that / don’t want to expend that energy right now -- i’ll put it off till later”) -- it requires me to stop and focus my attention on the present situation instead of sliding right past it without thinking about it. and there’s also something quite satisfying about framing it as a choice or a decision: i get to choose what to do, ie i get to exercise agency, and exercising agency makes your brain feel happy (we like to feel in control! we like making choices!). so throughout the day i get to experience lots of little bursts of whatever gets released in the brain when you make a decision and immediately follow through with it, and i think/hope that this kind of positive reinforcement is helping to strengthen those circuits and lay down the groundwork for new patterns of habitual response.

those are some thoughts this morning!! now i am going to allow myself a few minutes of sloth lol and then i’ll get up and exercise.

#mw #thinking aloud #long post

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anxietysroomsupport · 3 years

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i found out pushing doesn't work. that's what my sister does when she thinks something's wrong, she pushes that she wants to go to the doctor. eventually our parents give in. i think i mentioned it because i sent an ask here recently, but my joints have been giving me grief lately. several months ago my knees kept feeling like my bones were grinding when i put weight on them for a few days. more recently, in january i think, after spending an hour or two outside, my hips did the (1/?)

(2/?) the same, that night and for the next few days. sometimes it was fine, usually better mid morning, but other times i couldn't put wait on them. it felt like they were grinding, or going to give up on me. it's been happening longer where i feel like if i move the wrong way, something will pop out. i try to sit up and swing my legs and my hips yell at me with slight pain, so even though they would probably just pop, i wait till it stops, just in case. because i don't want to see (2/?)

(3/?) what would happen if they didn't. but recently, a week or two after i started these new exercises (my mom thinks it's related to that, which it may be slightly, but i don't think so completely), modified push ups so i could get better core strength and stuff, my joints have started popping. started feeling like they'll go out more often. and i mean popping loudly. i kneeled earlier in the process of sitting up, and my sister, who was talking and a few feet away, asked me if i (3/?)

(4/?) okay. it only hurt a little, it's more just the sensation of the popping, tiny pain. but my right knee sort of buzzed, like my elbow did yesterday. except yesterday, my elbow hurt. it felt, just from a random movement, like it actually popped out for a moment, or tried to, and my elbows are usually fine. if it's the exercises, i don't want to just give up my hopes. i want to be able to one day walk on my hands. i know i'd never get back into it after this, even if it's not the (4/?)

(5/?) problem. anyways, sorry, there's a lot to say, i'll try to hurry this up. recently after reading something they flared, when it started happening nearly every time i move, then went down a little, and have stayed that way for about a week. the exercises have been making me feel a little stronger, and i just don't think they're doing this. but, i kept mentioning it. my pain. asking if people could hear it. only my sister cares to listen. she always cares. always listens. (5/?)

(6/?) mental or physical health she's there for me. she keeps saying that i really should go to the doctor, so i keep asking. i mentioned the knee thing to my mom. she said she kept researching but couldn't find anything narrow enough to be diagnosable. that i should just wear the shoes that i can't stand, stop the exercises, start up again with walking when my body calms down, as if it will. i can't stop now. but i don't think she'll take me. i think i have to wait till something bad (6/?)

(7/?) especially after the thing i read, i don't want to wait. i don't want to ignore the signs. if i could save myself so much pain, why can't i try? just two or three days ago i was getting into school when my hip started to hurt. the hallways are one way, so i have to walk around nearly the entire school to get to my class, and i only had a few minutes to get there. i just told myself to keep walking. ignore the fact that i could barely put weight on my right leg. i had to get to (7/8)

(8/?) class. but pushing doesn't work. i pushed to go to the doctor. i got in an argument. i had stuff to do and i was starting to cry, so i just said i wouldn't bring it up anymore. i'd stop. my sister's an adult. i just realized i can ask her to take me. if another bad thing happens, i will. if they flare up again, i will tell my parents that i need to go to the doctor. if they won't, i'll ask my sister. i don't want to. i know my mom tries. she said normally she would, but covid. (8/?)

(9/?) but i have to go. maybe it's nothing, or maybe i will have to stop doing the exercises, and break my heart a little bit more as i give up on another goal. but i have to. i have to. i can't cripple myself for life because i wouldn't go. i have no idea what could happen to me one day or some day soon even if i don't. maybe i'm just overreacting and i'm fine and it's growing pains but i haven't grown in 1 1/2 years and it hurts. and i'm so so tired. been reading, sorry it's like prose (9/9).

I sent an ask about my joints recently? Yeah, well, this. yesterday I was hesitantly diagnosed with Hypermobility Syndrome, pretty wide across my body but mainly in my lower body. basically the doctor said, that since it's the best guess, I need to go to Physical Therapy and try to strengthen my tendons and joints. so obviously I'm so glad to have a solution, maybe not be in so much pain anymore, but at the same time, I like being a little bendy. I'm not stretchy, not good at gymnastics (1/2)

(2/2) or whatever, but I do like feeling a little different. so I guess it's just like, what if PT makes it so I'm not bendy anymore? is it like those metaphors where you break a stick, then put a bunch together and can't break it? or am I folding the stick in half, forsaking mobility for strength? and I don't think that a diagnosis for an actual chronic illness has hit me yet, I know I'll be more nervous when my first PT comes in 3 days, but I still feel normal.

Hypermobile anon here, I believe I said I wished it was something a little more for some reason? Yeah, well, good news, I don't anymore. My pain is like, I'm in so much pain, but not actually that much, and I know that I both am and aren't, and it doesn't actually feel like that much, but it is? My point is, tonight's been really bad and I'm starting to think it's good the friend I tend to go outside on walks and stuff with was busy. Also, my mom, in complimenting my drive, (1/2)

(2/2) said that while my sibling was told to do physical therapy to keep their hand working and didn't do it as much as they should, I was doing physical therapy regularly and faithfully to stop my joints from aching. I know my family, mostly my parents, has lots of issues and then just powers through, but you'd think that my mom, who has a bunch going on (allergies, diabetes, random undiagnosable stuff), would understand chronic illness. To her, my joints ache. Sorry, it's not actually too bad.

Hi Anon,

First thing, so so sorry for the delay on this one. And it’s great that you have continued writing in with updates!

Thank goodness you did keep pushing and get your diagnosis (even if it may be a hesitant one)! You really could have ended up struggling for a long time. Arthritis would have been another guess if your doctor hadn’t come to Hypermobility Syndrome.

Hopefully your doctor is treating this seriously, but remember that if any doctor is trying to ignore your concerns, you can very clearly say to them, “If you’re not going to do tests I want it noted in my chart.”

From the advice of a lot of chronically ill folks, it is also strongly recommended to get your vitamin levels checked, especially b12, iron, and vitamin d. These can actually cause joint symptoms if they’re low enough and lots of things can affect your absorption of them.

It is definitely still possible to build muscle and continue to be flexible. It takes quite a lot of bulk to start limiting your range of movement, and physical therapy will probably be gradual enough that you can assess your flexibility as you go.

As far as feeling “normal”, having chronic illness actually is really common! In 2012, the National Health Council stated that roughly 133 million people in the U.S. were dealing with some kind of chronic condition.

It is awful that you’re in so much pain. Your doctor should also be helping you manage that, since strengthening your muscles isn’t going to be an immediate solution. That takes time, but you’re in a lot of pain right now. Anti-inflammatory painkillers can help with joint pain, and heat treatments like warm baths, hot water bottles, and heat-rub creams can be useful too. Beyond that, you might need prescription treatments.

Your mom is probably just trying to encourage you, but it’s small comfort compared to the level of pain you’re dealing with. People will often deal with chronic illness in different ways, especially different generations. It might help to find groups online that are dealing with similar issues, or chronic conditions in general. Places like reddit, facebook, etc will have groups or subreddits dedicated to creating a community, so you can share your experiences and find other people dealing with the same issues. You might ask your physical therapist if there are any in-person or online support groups locally.

You’ll have to find a way to manage your chronic illness, your way. If your mom doesn’t understand it, don’t worry about her. You got this. And your sister’s got your back.

-Kai, bun

#chronic illness #pain #diagnosis #doctors #family #sister #parents #mom #joint pain #hypermobility syndrome #treatment #physical therapy #medicine #long post

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startledstars · 3 years

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It's really sad that you've convinced yourself to accept evil because God will better you for it. You can believe in God and believe that he wouldn't want evil to happen to you or anyone else. That's a problem with Christianity though. A lot of religious, cult peoples have a "by all means, even evil, necessary for the greater good" mentality and that's not okay. I'm so sorry you believe your god is abusing you and that you're okay with it. Life or the universe is both good and bad, not god. The trials in life aren't there to benefit you, it's there so when you get through it, you'll grow and learn and prevent it from happening to someone else, not be blessed as an individual. A supreme being of love doesn't dole out pain or evil. Someone who loves you wouldn't hurt you with such abuse that you call it evil. You need to believe this in your life, not in just some spiritual way. Please don't ever justify evil for a cause for good. Please. No one deserves that.

Hi anon,

First of all, thank you for this question. I can honestly see how my previous post can make me sound like a battered, self-deluded housewife trying to justify a miserable situation. Just a few months ago, if someone said what I said today, I would sincerely pity them too.

I actually agree with 90% of your message, and the 10% is a misunderstanding: I’m not being abused by anyone right now, least of all God. I don’t think anyone deserves to be abused. I do not accept evil. I despise it. And while I don’t think God wants people to suffer evil, if you look at the world, you see that He allows just that.

You can’t believe in an all-powerful God who can change or prevent or reverse any situation instantly, and pretend that he doesn’t have absolute power over evil too. God has power over evil, but there are times when He lets evil run its course. The question is, why?

You also said:

“The trials in life aren’t there to benefit you . They’re there so you can help other once you get through them.”

I agree with the second part of the statement, but disagree with the first. The trials in life, even the most horrible suffering, are used by God to benefit you, too. I’ve experienced these benefits firsthand.

(If there is a single thing that God doesn’t use to benefit you personally in the long run, as in eternity, can you say he’s 100% good? Even one exception means He falls short of that 100%. This sounds really extreme, but it’s a great thought exercise.)

And you’re right in saying that God does not ‘will’ evil. That’s why I said that he ‘allowed’ me to be abused by evil people. In other words, he gave me to other people with free will and wicked intentions. He allowed their will, instead of imposing his own, because this is one way God gives freedom to his creations.

I have been abused over and over again, for years on end. These evil people were actually the ones closest to me; my parents, one grandparent, and a parade of so-called ‘friends’ who never really treated me like a human being. The abuse started when I was under 4 years old. Every single one of my abusers have tried to convince me that their abuse was actually an expression of love, and I believed them, even while they relentlessly tried to snuff out my will to live.

(Anyone who’s been abused and is coming out of it will understand how the abuser does this and what effect it has on you. It is a horrible thing.)

While the abuse was taking place, I didn’t know it was evil, and I did not know they were evil. This world teaches us to not believe that evil exists, or that evil is somehow exclusive to genocidal dictators. The world teaches us that abusers aren’t evil; they’re victims of their own twisted psychology, and can be ‘fixed’ with the correct treatment.

This may be true, but the reason evil people become evil is because even if they are aware of their shortcomings, they’d rather project their dysfunction than take any responsibility for fixing themselves. Evil people actively refuse to change for the better, and are only interested in dragging other people down. They are incapable of love, though they can imitate it well enough.

So, how can God give a child into the hands of people like this, and still be considered ‘good?’

I can only speak to my experience, but due to the length and extent of my entanglement with evil people, I can:

Say with confidence that evil exists, and if there’s such great evil in this world, there must be a greater good.

Recognize potentially problematic individuals and avoid them

Recognize the potential for evil within myself, and work to prevent myself from becoming abusive. (Even as a ‘victim’ I had developed abusive tendencies. I am not innocent. This is Another Fucking Pill.)

Cut off toxic relationships without a single glance backwards; I have not been abused by anyone for months now, on any level, and if someone tries to cross a line, I assert myself firmly and confidently. Most victims of abuse either become abusers, or fall prey to other abusers. I avoided both these traps.

Strengthen my faith and relationship. When there’s an abusive/controlling person trying to ‘get me’ (anyone with a job will understand) I pray to God to remove this person from my life. He does, every. Single. Time. Because He also doesn’t want me to fall prey to anyone ever again; He’s already let me see what happens if I trust the wrong people.

Recognize ‘good’ people too and build relationships with them. Because many people are good, have the right intentions, and don’t need you to make excuses for their shitty behavior because they behave just fine on their own.

Appreciate the healing power of God. If God allows you to suffer, he will use that suffering to make you wiser and more powerful, then carry you out of the fire and make you brand new; better for the pain, but also like the pain never touched you in the first place. If you met me irl, you would never guess that I’d ever struggled as much as I did. This goes for appearance too; stress should age people rapidly, but I actually look much younger than I should, untouched by the burden of all these years. He did that.

Ok this answer has gotten so long and there’s so much more to say even though I mostly agree with you anyways lol. Also thanks for the comment on ‘cult mentality,’ because once again, you’re right, and that deserves it’s own post. I believe that all cults are Satanic, and Satan tries to imitate God. To imitate God, you need to really, really understand how God works. So Satan knows that only God uses evil for good, which is why cults employ this mentality; it’s another way the devil mocks the creator. It’s another lie, but to lie, you have to know the truth first. Hope that makes sense; cults can’t use evil the same way God can.

Tl:dr evil is never justified, but if God allows evil, it is because that evil is a ‘channel’ for greater good, like the labor pains to bring a child into the world. I do not condone evil, and people should never knowingly hurt others or let themselves be hurt. But if it happened, God allowed it. And if God allowed it, it’s for a good reason.

Thanks again for the message and for sharing your perspective. I hope this gives some food for thought, because that’s what you’ve done for me. Merry (late) Christmas and hope you have a great 2021 :)

#spiritual awakening #spiritual awareness #spirituality #I have so many thoughts on everything and want to be concise without losing any finer points #so here we are #hopefully anon can at least skim this #listen to deepen your relationship with god you do have to question him constantly #faith is never blind #and he’s the ultimate intelligence and ultimate goodness so he WILL answer any sincere inquiry #including “how can you do this to me? it makes me want to hate you.#because above all else God wants you to be honest with him and youself #and that means really grilling him about evil #you can’t skirt the issue just because it’s painful

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the-courage-to-heal · 4 years

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Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.

If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of connection. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.

Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break free from this type of stronghold:

Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.

Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.

Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else”; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.

Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.

Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, “I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____.” This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.

Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.

Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: “(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.).” Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.

#emotional abuse #abuse #healing #trauma bonding #ptsd #ptsd recovery #stockholm syndrome

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runfast-runfar · 3 years

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Quarantine Days

5.5.21

✨ I hope you’re all doing well! Things have been going pretty well for me compared to the last few months! I’m feeling better mentally, still have my days but they are fewer and farther in between! And I’m really working on recovery from the ed which is going well so far.

✨ I know I haven’t done a daily post in a while and today was a nice day so I figured I’d do one today :)

✨ i splurged and got myself an Apple Watch yesterday and I am in love with it!! I love my Garmin forerunner but the running watches are all so big and chunky and I didn’t realize it until I tried on a friends Apple Watch recently and it felt SO much nicer! And I actually wore both my running watch and Apple Watch to compare running and climbing stats and they were literally identical so the Apple Watch accuracy is spot on which was the only thing that worried me! The only thing left is to set up the cellular feature on my watch! :)

✨ anyways back to today, I woke up to a text from my boss at 6:45am asking if I could swing by the store at some point today and I was low key worried I was in trouble. But I got there and she had bought vegan cookies from Sprinkles as a celebratory “you passed your bar certification and our now a barista” gift! (It happens for everyone when they do!) and she was so cute to be like “I made sure the woman making them knew they had to be vegan! I think she was annoyed with me by the end bc I repeated it so many times bc I know you’re vegan!” 🥺😭♥️

Yeah, so starting next week I’ll be on bar instead of on register now making tasty (hopefully) coffees for folks!

✨ I got these new pants that I’m obsessed with bc they’re cute but also comfy as fuck!!! It legit feels like I’m not wearing any pants haha

✨ I recently decided to really focus on strengthening my faith and honestly it’s been a huge comfort for me. I didn’t grow up religious, but when finley died I really began questioning a lot of things and some things happened that made me realize I do believe there is more out there and a higher being and since her death that curiosity has been sort of unwavering. Its been an exciting thing to explore and I feel that relationship with God is helping me with a loooottt of things I have struggled with for a while.

I totally understand religion and this type of faith isn’t what everyone believes, which is totally cool! You do you my friends! No judgement here! :) But it has been a huge life change for me.

And I personally feel that the people in my life right now are ones who God has had us cross paths for a reason, and those reasons are becoming more and more clear as I connect with those around me more.

✨ after journaling and bible journaling for a few hours I went on a run which was amazing!! I haven’t run in about 3 weeks, I’ve just been on long hikes, and it felt SO good!! I ran 3 miles and managed sub 9 min miles which wasn’t too bad for the first day back! And then went on a 4 mile walk!

✨ I open tomorrow morning at work (4am 🥴) so I’ll be making dinner, showering, watching an episode or two of Friends, then going to bed!!

✨ I hope you’re all doing well! ♥️

#me #life #personal #runner #running #vegan #recovery #mental health #climbing #climber #college #student #fitness #religion #faith #journaling

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dprdabin · 4 years

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DPR Live Breaks Down His First Full-Length Album 'Is Anybody Out There?'

DPR Live's first mini album, Coming To You (2017), made headlines for featuring famous artists such as Dean, Crush, Loco, and Jay Park, all while strengthening the artist's presence as a hip-hop frontrunner in Korea.

Since then, he has been in the spotlight with a number of popular songs, such as “Jasmine” and “Martini Blue.” For his 21-city world tour in 2018, 16 cities were sold out, with the Seoul tickets selling out just one minute after the ticket sales began. It proved DPR Live's global popularity -- and then it took two years to see his face again.

Now, DPR Live, born Hong Da-bin, is back with his first studio album, Is Anybody Out There? He breaks it down for us below.

How did you celebrate the album's release on March 3?

I popped a champagne bottle with DPR members. I listened to everything -- from the first track to the last track -- wearing earphones while drinking soju at [a] Korean barbecue restaurant.

This is your first full-length album. How did you feel once it was out in the world?

I felt very relieved. A lot of things happened to me in the past two years and I didn't really show myself to my fans, except through performances. And my emotions were complicated, too. After I released this album, I felt like I was free from the heavy burden. It's cool, but it's sad, it's empty, and it feels good. There are so many emotions.

I had a hard time in the process, but I am satisfied because it seems that I put everything I wanted in the end.

Two years is a long gap. Is there a reason why it took so long?

This album contains the process of me getting out of a slump. Actually, I think it took longer to overcome the slump than to make music. Tracks 1-4 (“Here Goes Nothing,” “Geronimo!” “To Whoever” and “Out Of Control”) were made during the world tour. It took a year to make track five, “Disconnect.” I didn't make music for a year, but I focused on having my own time. I think it was a time when I was thinking about, "What are the problems inside of me? What kind of burden do I have that is hindering me?”

After overcoming that time, I wanted to reach out to my fans again. That's what “Disconnect” is all about. Also, I'm not the type to make songs quickly. I'm the type to put in effort slowly. I think the album is a gift for the fans. Like when I put a lot of thought into picking a color or a ribbon, I cared about the details with affection. Two years is not a long time, if you put these together.

Did you feel pressure to live up to fans' expectations for what a full-length album by DPR Live should sound like?

I think a full-length album is a white canvas. I didn't want to capture what others wanted, but I wanted to instinctively draw what I wanted to capture -- what I felt, with colors that I wanted to use.

Did you want to make changes to your style, such as using synth or switching beats?

I didn't mean to. It was natural. I think the color changed because I used the sound that I needed to express my emotions as much as I could.

The album concept is space. Is there any reason to liken the journey out of a slump to that?

I think I really like metaphors. One day, I saw DPR members, and they all had different mental worlds and different colors. It looked like one planet after another. I also thought that I was experiencing slumps, performing, and working on music on earth and the universe was a place that gave me liberation. The universe is an infinite space. As these thoughts that I usually had were put together like puzzles, I naturally likened them to the universe.

What does the album title [Is Anybody Out There?] mean?

DPR Rem, the creator of DPR, came up with the idea. There was something I wanted to hear when I was having a really hard time. “You don't have to do music. You don't have to manage your schedule right away. You don't have to rip the stage apart. You did a great job. You are special as you are and I love you. You can go slowly, or you can go fast. We just care about you.”

I think I was hungry for those words. At that time, I was wondering if there was anybody who could tell me these things. I think Is Anybody Out There? implicitly expresses it. Actually, I used that sentence a lot before this album. It was at the end of "Color Drive" by DPR Cream, and my song’s lyrics has that kind of nuance too.

Previous songs featured artists like Crush, Dean, Jay Park, and so on. This album only features the members of DPR. Why did you insist on this?

There are many artists who want to make great pictures together. I have a golden list of those I admire. I really want to do it when the opportunity comes, but this album wasn't the right time. It's weird to suddenly have another artist in the middle of my own story. I wasn't even in the mood to meet people and pretend to be happy. I think we naturally got together with DPR members and just worked on it.

Can you tell me who's on the golden list?

GD and Beenzino. Dean and Crush never leave the list. When I see artists who have their own distinct color and are not ashamed of their color, I feel empathy and attraction. I like Honne and Jaden Smith in terms of international artists. But it is not necessarily my goal to release a song with these artists -- I just want to interact with people I'm attracted to. I want to talk comfortably and empathize with each other. It would be good if something comes out in the process. I think time is very valuable even if there is no outcome.

At the end of the third track on the album, “To Whoever,” the voices of fans at a concert hall can be heard. What's the message there?

Fans who shared that time together will be very happy. First of all, I put it in thinking it's a feature for the fans and I wanted to bring up the feeling of nostalgia. Even though I was passing through a long tunnel at that time, it still remains a very pleasant memory.

You said you were cut off from the people around you until track five was released. How did you spend your time?

At that time, even though I had a good-sized studio, I spent time in a tiny [10 meter by 10 meter] one. I used to go back to Guam where I grew up and sit in the hallway of the school I went to. I had time to look back on my difficult childhood. I tried to fix my habits one by one. For example, I was constantly on social media. When you are constantly on social media, you unconsciously compare yourself to other people's lives. I tried not to look at social media except when communicating with the fans.

Also, when I hang out with people with new ideas, I get a new perspective. I tried to meet a friend who was living a better life than me or a friend working in a field that I wanted to venture into. As I immerse myself in their world and talk with them, I can feel my consciousness. Naturally, new ideas and new solutions arise.

Starting with “S.O.S,” the mood of the album turns bright. Is that what you felt after exiting the slump?

Right. As I said before, I've had my own time for a while, and I think I developed a way to love myself. Once I was full of self-love, I wanted to reach out to my fans, family and friends. Maybe my friends thought it was weird because after suddenly going out of contact with them I came back to see them again.

Anyway, I put the feelings of that period into this song. It was expressed with lyrics like, "I want to enjoy the flow with you, I want to feel the flow with you," and hopeful lyrics like, "Let’s go beyond," are also there. When I started to love myself, that love poured out to the people around me.

Now, I want to deliver a lot of frequencies of hope to others. There is a saying that looking at artwork completed with hope makes people feel better. I believe in the energy delivered through the work. I wanted to put positive energy into this album, too. This album is not to make people sink, but to bring them up. Although I had a dark time, I wanted to show hope through the process of overcoming it.

You released the videos for “Legacy” and “Kiss Me+Neon” in a series. It seems like you put a lot of effort into them.

DPR Ian directed the album, and we've been talking since the beginning of the album and we've developed ideas. He picked a source and showed me one by one. Then I added my ideas and he added more. We kept repeating this process constantly. Usually it's embarrassing to tell incomplete ideas to someone, but we both communicate without hesitation. It seems to inspire each other and create synergy. And eventually, one painting was completed.

What do you want fans to take away from Is Anybody Out There? How do you recommend enjoying it?

First of all, I think it's good to understand and listen to the story of overcoming a slump with love. It would be nice to interpret and listen to English lyrics, right? Personally, I also recommend drinking and listening. If you just turn off the lights and lie down without thinking about anything with your earphones on, you'll feel like you're in a different world.

#dpr live #dabin #hong dabin #dpr #article #200422 #billboard

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 4 years

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health rambling

because it occurred to me that i post when there are Serious Problems but haven’t updated in a while, for those following my adventures from afar:

so my ankle fracture appears to be healing well :) for the past five days that i was home alone, i watched a lot of tv, but i also did basic household maintenance chores and fed kinnie and the outdoor cats--and i succeeded at my top priority, which was just feeding myself and taking all my meds every day. while i could barely walk on my ankle, i relied on a LOT of delivery food, so the past five days of making toast and frying potatoes and slicing apples without terrible pain felt joyful in a ‘normal everyday life’ way. i iced my ankle at least once a day, too, to help with being on it so much. but i was able to pull the trash can out to the curb (necessary as the only one home on trash day), also for the first time since i broke my ankle, and it went okay, so i should be able to take that chore back onto my usual list.

i lost muscle strength so quickly once i had to stay off my feet for a few weeks! getting back to chores this week and doing some overall cleaning yesterday, as well as having my first good shower since last month, was very soothing. but i could also feel my muscles, such as they are, strengthening up a little bit, and i’m really happy about that. i’ve still got a lot of fatigue going on, which makes it hard to stand at a counter and prep food for any length of time, but 1) i think that might be a return of my vitamin b deficiency unrelated to my convalescence and 2) when i push through the fatigue to cook, it feels healthy and like my body’s remembering how to do stuff--rather than like a straining, painful ankle sensation i was getting whenever i did things in the early weeks of recovery. i have to hope that’s a good sign for my monday ankle appt. if that appt goes well in terms of how an expert thinks my ankle looks, then i’m going to assume i can resume things like the occasional grocery trip, all regular chores, and even light walking soon.

i’ve had basically the worst year ever, in my whole life, in terms of basic physical condition, from last fall to this one: after spending a summer getting in better shape and enjoying the benefits of that during my week in north carolina, i crashed into a surprise vitamin b deficiency so bad that i lost the ability to stand and walk. that didn’t get figured out until january, and took a couple of months of supplements to get fixed--at which point we were in a pandemic, and the lockdown followed soon after, and i was scared to leave the house, let alone walk my neighborhood to get back in shape. i finally felt like people here were following more of the safety guidelines and like i understood how to minimize risk as summer turned to fall...and then i broke my ankle. so at this point i’m really eager to move more and strengthen back up, and before the ankle i even made sure to buy some clothes so i won’t have to do all my outdoor exercise in jean shorts (better than long pants, in california, but still not very comfy!)

so that’ll be my main goal if my ankle is looking okay on xrays and keeps feeling stronger this month--as much as possible, to get back to the shape i was in last summer, when i could walk to the nearest grocery store and back, when walking a mile was possible on a regular basis. when i’m at my worst, just getting to the mailbox and back feels like a major accomplishment, and it’s wild how large the range is, of what i’m physically capable of. last year it took an awful manic phase to get me in shape...i wasn’t walking more because i enjoy it (i hate exercising here, it’s deeply boring, i miss living in a city where going places on foot was routine and fun) but because if i sat still at home i felt like a danger to myself. i had to move, so i did. convincing myself to go for walks will be a lot harder this time (i’ve been unsuccessfully trying to do so all year during the pandemic tbh) but actually losing the ability to walk (for a SECOND time! in one year!) is a great motivator to appreciate what i have and to make better use of it.

mental health wise, i’m still in a bad way. it’s hard for me to stay in touch with anybody i care about, i’m barely posting on my blog cuz i’m drifting in my head too much to have words like i normally do...the pandemic has made all of my mental disorders worse, while simultaneously making it harder to get care for them. on top of the treatment i get for my adhd and bipolar disorder (that stopped being effective during the pandemic), i’m finally ready to try something for the anxiety, and i only learned this year that my food issues are an actual eating disorder with a name...but while my previous problems aren’t being successfully treated right now, i don’t feel i can also take on trying to fight the other stuff too. i’m still here though, pressing onward, and i’ve found the headspace to not be upset at myself for getting little done, being unable to write and focus, etc. for now, that’s a win. and having the household return to normal for a while, after all the chaos of september, is letting my brain settle down too, at least a little. so that part does feel better. just like putting the house to rights makes me feel a little better--more stable.

i don’t have a grand conclusion for this post like i normally would? i’m not posting for a reason, other than thinking somebody who’s followed my personal posts for years now might wonder what’s going on lately, when i don’t post about it and am barely speaking to people. especially since i’m way behind on my asks as well, so i can’t just say ‘if you ever wonder how i’m doing, feel free to ask!’ so...this is how i’m doing. :) i’ve got 4 episodes of black sails left and i plan to start 12 monkeys next, so that should be fun. having house time to myself was fun but i’m thrilled to not be the only one home anymore. i like my normal.

#when i'm having a bad mental health time i get so disengaged #and it occurs to me that friends might on occasion wonder what happened to things i stopped talking about #randomness #life stuff #health

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gogomadu · 4 years

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Chloe DeVito for Myshuno Rules Season 2 @plumbobtv

Chloe DeVito/27/Politician Career: Community Organizer

Education: Distinguished Degree in Economics from Foxbury

Best Friend: Dasan Soto

Traits: Art Lover, Snob, Outgoing, Responsible, Natural Speaker, Role Model, Career-Minded Good Manners, Argumentative

Hiii~ My name’s Chloe and I am the future of the Arts Quarter. The queen of bold colors and clashing patterns. Take a picture now, or you’ll miss me~ I’m 27 and I’ve been in San Myshuno for the last 4 years. It’s been a wild ride. I’d always wanted to be some sort of artist, I wanted to paint, act, sing, dance, something! But my parents… they were your typical “over my dead body”, “get a real job”, “stop trying to be a starving artist, it’s not cute” type. I respect them and their opinions because I know how much they want me to succeed in life, so I followed their advice and instead of going to the University of Britechester for a Degree in Art History (unfortunately, I am not especially talented in any of the arts), I settled for a Distinguished Degree in Economics at Foxbury. Honestly, mathematics and science come easy to me so it wasn’t all that bad, but it was mind-numbingly boring. I always found myself going to art shows, and dance recitals. However, I wouldn’t take back my decision to go to Foxbury, it was there that I met my little nugget. As a senior, I volunteered to be a Big Sister to one of the Freshman at my uni, and found my best friend, basically my son, Dasan. We’ve been inseparable ever since, and it was actually due to him that I acquired my dream job. You see I spent the first few years out of college at a desk job crunching numbers to fatten the pockets of some CEO I’d never meet. Dasan, reached out to me and connected me to a job in the Arts Quarter. I would be using my Economics Degree to help the community draw out its earning potential. The Arts Quarter was on a financial decline, interest in the Arts was at an all time high, but desire to spend money on creative events had stalled. I was hired to at first aid in redistributing the budget to promote longevity, but over the years I’ve moved up in the ranks to be the Community Organizer, organizing and hosting fundraising events to increase our revenue and strengthen the Arts Community in the City.

As you can probably tell, my job is my passion. But my life? Even more colorful~ Currently? …I’m single? Soooo, I just got out of a long-term relationship. Do you know… Wisdom Joseph? Who am I kidding, of course you know him! Hall of Fame Professional Baseball Player, 3-year MVP of the Plummets? Yeah, him. Well, he was my boyfriend, really I should say partner. We met back when I was in college and I attended a game of his and waited around to get his autograph. He’s so old (37) so when I hit him up on Simstagram, he actually wrote back. We surprisingly hit it off really well, and I thought we were a golden pair. He supported me when I left my office job in Magnolia Promenade for the City, and 3 years ago we found out that we were expecting. I gave birth to my darling baby boy Ramsey and I thought that we would get married and officially become a family. But two years passed and when I asked him when he was going to propose, can you believe what he said? *mocking* “You know, I think we should call this off. I was looking for a more unconventional girl, you know a bit more interesting and exciting. We’re over.” 🙄 Can you believe the audacity of this… well anyways. Yeah, no. He really tried to walk out on me and our son, he wanted to go off and find some other screaming fan to date. Well this “conventional” girl was ready to show him my unconventional side. I took him to court, not to sue him, not for child support, not for custody. The complete opposite! I should have won the Starlight Accolades for my performance in that Court Room, I scrounged up my Charisma and Research and Debate skills and convinced the Judge that Wisdom was in a much better financial and mental state to have full custody of our son. I just wasn’t in the best position to give our son what he deserved and of course Wisdom wouldn’t want to deprive his own son of the best, right? And bada-bing-bada-boom, Wisdom has our son. I know some people might think I’m crazy for that, but I don’t care. Wisdom would have abandoned us without a second thought, and I won’t give him that satisfaction. I love my son, so I know I’ll visit him all the time and smother him with love, but that…Wisdom isn’t that smart or humane. So here we are, it sucks to suck.

In the meantime, I’m ready to get back out there and live my life. I want my youth back; I’ve already chopped my locs for a new start. I’m so young and I’ve already wasted too much time on a trash bag. I’m ready to meet some people and live it up in San My. Hugs and kisses babe~

“Life’s a movie, and I’m the main character~”

Private DL if chosen

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #ts4 storytelling #my sims

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courage-a-word-of-justice · 3 years

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Maou-jou 9 - 12 (FINAL) | Idolish7 s2 10 - 15 (FINAL) | SLS 2

I’ve been holding off new seasonals because of other things, but after I post this I’ll have enough time to get around to them. That’s why I can’t guarantee winter 2021 seasonal tags on this post...maybe the next one will have them...

Maou-jou 9

…it seems shopping channels even are the same in the demon world.

Now even the demons have quests! (The frame is different to the princess’s, though.)

Oh! The quest failed.

Neo Alraune: in flower language, “the 2nd coming of happiness”. The worry from a little while ago was, “I’m worried about my brother.” The worry from recently: “I didn’t think about being happy that the princess didn’t kill my brother.”

The penguin demons are pretty cute!

Don’t you know how parents forbid children from sleeping until they finish all their homework? Must be something like that.

Yoku ganbarimashita! – Syalis worked hard!

LOL, mental age: 3. Poseidon likes cute things…I can’t read a lot of this…the hardsubs cover the JPN text.

They…both succeeded! (…LOL?)

Maou-jou 10

Owarinocity = Endopolis. It’s a good equivalent, if I do say so myself.

…oh yeah. What happened to Alraune? Update: There she is!

Also, that blonde guy in the infomercials doesn’t look too bad…*makes chef’s kiss gesture with one hand* Nice.

I wonder, was Twilight once human…?

LOL, there’s a goat symbol on the cleric’s pyjamas. Also “first time”, LOL.

I think they were playing shiritori at one point.

Hanamaru saikou yoku dekimashita!

Maou-jou 11

…How does one “sleep cheerfully”, anyway?

I think I saw Twilight drop something…some kind of paper…

Aw, Twilight blushing is kinda cute!

LOL, 70s shoujo style. Also, “It cannot be!”

Whoa, she cancelled it?!

I read up on this series on TV Tropes…and apparently the Demon King captured the Princess in her sleep.

Kagemusha? Like a ninja or something?

Apparently the Demon Cleric is much older than he looks.

Ooh! Hypnos is back!

A-whatsit really is abysmal levels of stupid!!! (LOL)

Maou-jou 12 (FINAL)

Who’s that one tiny guy occupying one of the Ten Kings’ seats?

*watching after Christmas, about a week after the anime finished* This is not seasonally appropriate!

…*thinks for a second, then spits* That’s the 2nd Nemu in the fall 2020 season!!!

Ooh, the head paladin doesn’t look that bad, either.

“…is it good to be…”

“…has seized the princess!”

“…that demon king is rather cute.” – See? Someone agrees with me.

Anyways, that was a fun series. See you soon!

Idolish7 s2 10

…Back at it after so long…(I can’t help it though – Crunchyroll, per month, is about double the local Funimation sublicensor’s fees, and for much less content that’s worth my money to boot!)

I’ve always thought Momo was like Sasara (HypMic), so seeing him anguished hurts me in the kokoro too…

I know Banri was involved with Re:vale somehow…this must be it.

…Male idols are also popular among men? Is this why there are 8 (!!!) idol anime in winter 2021 alone…? (Also, that’s why HypMic became popular? Multidemographic appeal crossed over with obvious merchandising opportunities?)

It’s kind of scary how Momo stepped the formality towards Yuki like that (to -san).

I guess in his heart Momo still reveres Yuki, some way or another.

The rakugo curtain really sold the moment that they (current Re:vale) were acting like an old married couple.

Yay! Silver Sky is such a cool song! Of course I recognised the intro when it came on.

…I see. The elder Kujo is entrusting his dream to Tenn, so that’s why he banned Aya from seeing Tamaki. However, it’s hard to know what to feel when Aya speaks in the vaguest terms possible.

I think that was a special ending for only this episode. I don’t know what its name is, but I guess I might recognise it on Spotify one day.

Idolish7 s2 11

LOL, Nagi’s reaction.

Considering the ‘rona is getting worse outside our very windows as we speak (type?), I think it’s correct to be concerned about your future right now.

Looking at these narrow streets reminds me of going to eat hotpot at the end of my Japan trip…only Japanese streets look like that, I think. Hong Kong’s streets are more crowded than that and America likes their suburbia.

Of course, when you say hajimemashite (nice to meet you), someone’s gotta say it back, hence the reply.

Considering there are people all over the world watching the Idolish7 anime, I would say you are telling the world about I7, Riku.

Oh! Restart Pointer! There was an MV for that one…I think it was around the time Idolish7’s MVs started getting better.

So this is the context around the new outfits! Cool!

There have been way too many puns about “idol” being…y’know, “ai (love) doll” and stuff like that…

I have one Twitter person who I follow (DejiNyucu, part of the creative team for Autumn’s Journey) because I don’t get much I7 content and they keep mentioning this “Haruki” person…and suddenly a “Haruki the Betrayer” showed up in the graffiti…they might be the same person, I think. Not Deji, but Haruki. Update: Sakura Haruki, perhaps…?

Sougo’s such a bad liar…

Sometimes, the best way to deal with things is to be direct…(I’m not very good at that, I naturally talk in a very roundabout sort of way.)

Sougo with long hair like Yuki would be really pretty… (<- has an obvious thing for guys with long hair)

Idolish7 s2 12

Nagi’s stupid accent is generally what he’s best remembered for (for me), so seeing him speak normally, and do a press conference on top of that, is…impressive.

A kabedon on top of all this! Whoa!

Shibuya 109 parody…? (I’ve seen that once or twice – parodying that means people know their stuff about Shibuya.)

I think the “it’s overflowing!” is referring to the hype in the “room”.

…this dejected Momo is worrying…(well, he is worrying and I am worrying about him.)

Oh, I see. The person responsible typed the letter so that they couldn’t be traced back. Kind of like those old movies where the culprit would cut letters out of newspapers to make threat mail, but…with even less traces than that, because cutting letters out leaves evidence.

…wow, it took a while for this ep. to have an intro…

…LOL, I just spotted Kenjiro Tsuda cited as the “fake Zero”, meaning the real one might never show up this season.

There’s something really stupid and infectious about these managers’ enthusiasm for drinking energy drinks. It puts a goofy smile on my face.

Is Musubi Tsumugi’s mother…? Update: Yes, she is.

…Wait, so the Chiba Shizuo guy is actually important?!

Idolish7 s2 13

Whenever someone says “by the way”, it means they’re changing the subject. I hate to state to obvious, but Sougo is clearly deflecting the topic of conversation from being about him.

I wonder if this guy (Haw9) is the actual Zero graffiti vandal…?

Hmph, I didn’t realise Tenn doesn’t refer to Kujo-san as his father, but…like that (“Kujo-san”) instead.

Oh hey! These are shots from Vibrato!

Most dramas can be solved with the power of Good Communication. That includes this one.

I feel like “he has a dark side” describes both Tenn and Kujo-san.

“Everyone, remember to wash your hands and gargle thoroughly.” – This is always a good thing to remember in the time of ‘rona. Reminds me of Jakurai’s line in ARB (<- this game started just after the ‘rona came down).

What did Sougo go to uni for (what specialisation)?

Idolish7 s2 14

I just realised Banri calls Momo -kun. Hmm…

Denki = electricity, LOL.

I feel like Tenn is basically Ramuda, give or take actual pink hair…guys in musical groups with pre-existing angst that they become the “centre” of. The fact Fling Posse have Saito Soma and so do Trigger strengthens the connection.

I would watch the heck out of a musical like that! Make it come true, Idolish7! (Also, today is I7 day! I’m not much of an I7 fan outside the anime, but…that’s cool!)

That shot of them jumping! I remember seeing it on the official site before!

Idolish7 s2 15 (FINAL)

There you go! I was wondering where Banri’s injury was – that was the only bit that didn’t add up for him to be Yuki’s old partner.

Hmm…Momo is 4 years younger than Yuki but 2 years younger than Banri…

This episode has a real concert vibe to it, to the point where I got startled by how loud the yell was at one point. (Even if it is mostly stills.)

LOL, lookit Okazaki!

Apparently, if you’re a hako oshi, you like all the members of a group. Someone with a green light and a pink light likes both members of Re:vale.

LOL, Usagi for Asahi beer.

…I forgot Nagi is 19.

…Ooh, I think that’s the kid from ZOOL. No wonder they needed a season 3!

That’s all. See you next time!

SLS 2

“fine and upstanding person” – That’s…hard to believe, Hayato.

I wonder how many bois Toboso designed for SLS…?

…The episode title is actually “Blank”. Not “Break”.

One of the guys’ shirts says moteki on it. That’s a period in one’s life where one enjoys more romantic attention than usual, literally “popularity season”.

The subs missed an I, so initially I knew Kiriyama’s name as “Kiryama”.

There are meant to be 2 wings, right…?

“He who controls information controls everything, right?” – For once, I’m surprised Hayato is right (and not just in that smug way of his).

“…I’m being treated like a manager.” – But Hayato is a manager! (In a sense.)

The plait guy jumps to nicknames really fast…also, why do I get the feeling Maeshima will lose the key?

I hate to say this Maeshima, but I side with your childhood friend (Kiriyama) here. As much as the anime wants me to back you, I’m watching for everyone else at this point.

That blocky building looks pretty cool. I think Zel (Archi-Anime) would like it.

Sasugai’s setup looks pretty cool, including his chair.

…hmm, Maeshima’s like me in a sense. I learn best by copying others, but memory is my best asset. If I don’t regularly train the fundamentals, I suck at everything. That said, I don’t have an eidetic memory. Also, I didn’t quite figure out Ken = Ken(sei Maeshima) until I watched long enough to connect the dots.

LOL, Derry’s. (<- reminded of a word for “butt” <- derriere)

Well, the guy’s (Souta…?) shirt does say moteki…

Kiriyama kinda looks like Jyuto (HypMic), come to think of it…Right down to his angry streak (although Jyuto has a reputation to keep as a “cool dude”, while Kiriyama is more of a Manza (Boueibu HK) and he’s more angry than he looks).

…This ED is nothing special.

…Hmm? Is that a small Terauchi and Maeshima…?

I think I’m sold for now, but I’m rooting for the other team, not Maeshima’s…not yet, anyways.

#simulcast commentary #skate-leading☆stars #idolish7 #Idolish7 Second Beat!#Maou-jou de Oyasumi #sleepy princess in the demon castle #Chesarka watches I7 #Chesarka watches Maou-jou

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lastcrystalwitch · 3 years

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Feeling Guilty Taking Time for Myself

When there are many things that need to get done, sometimes it seems like I am looking at a to-do list that is never going to end. I attempt to run around the house, studious and determined, to meet the day with expectations that I will have a cleaner house vs. the mess that it was previously in. I just need to remind myself that doing a little bit every day will get me to the cleanliness level that I am so desperately searching for.

I grew up middle-upper class. My mother was a house wife, and took great pride in keeping the house clean. Even if I go over there now it is spotless.

This means I grew up with a discipline system that when you made a mess, you were criticized, punished, or scrutinized. Needless to say, it is ingrained in me that success comes from being clean, neat and tidy. When dishes aren't piled in the sink, there will be no excuse for bugs to take up residence. When I lived in Arizona in with an ex who liked to have parties and friends over who never picked up after themselves, forced me to deal with infestations of cockroaches. Much to my horror and the irreverence of my ex-husband and his roommate who left pizza boxes half way piled to the ceiling. Not only was I unappreciated, but I was busy. I worked two jobs and went to school full time, paying most of the rent and paying for my college and his. I put him through school. I wonder if he ever got off his entitled ass and put in the hard work and got his degree? I was not respected, appreciated, and my needs were never put first unless I put them first.

2012 was a horror show.

I have lived in filth, much to my dismay and been completely out of my control from people moving in animals who had fleas, and possibly parvo, and have payed over a grand fixing my mom's house infested with fleas because of other people who brought their pets over my house and infected my pets. I have been the one, time and time again, to self sacrifice myself to help others, fix others problems, clean up their messes. Now that I am older, and wiser, I am learning what it is that makes me tick. And for me its unacceptable for others not to help out.

But I have to change. I have to be able to tell others that they have to help instead of just expecting them to pick up a broom and get to work. I just don't want to sound like a nagging person. But I realize that others simply don't have the same priorities that I do. And this is a difficult pill to swallow, kind of. Never assume that someone knows how you feel. How can they? People can't read minds. You can read a room. You can read someone's body language. But unless you let them tell you what the hell is going on inside their head, you can only assume. And circular thoughts of assumptions lead to misunderstandings. Lack of communication period will break up a relationship.

I need to get better at saying what I want. What I need, and what I expect. That is what has made trouble in the past with roommates. I just have such an ungodly fear of hurting other people's feelings. A real fear that is as real for me as a natural disaster is real to the residences of that area. This debilitating fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing others can no longer be an excuse for me not to move forward with growing as an individual. And self reflection takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of work. But if we never strive to get better ... we never will.

But I've had only 25% control of the cleanliness of my house so far. With myself usually being the only person who cleans out of the 4 people who used to be there, its easy to feel out of control, hopeless, constantly stepping on wires, dirt, dust, and trash and dirt absolutely out of control. I was the only person cleaning routinely for the past 2 years basically. No one else seems to put cleanliness as a priority except for me. It simply felt like no one cared. And I thought no one cared on purpose. That they didn't care about me. I thought that since the house was never cleaned, it was all up to me.

But at what cost?

Its possible to keep a spotless home, or at the very least a tidy home, but everyone has to be on board.

Oh. And did I mention? My house has been a construction zone for the past two years with people constantly moving in and out of it. I helped purchase the house, but I have had zero control over the residents.

I grew up with a manipulative narrsacistic mother, a misunderstood dad who was never there because he was always at work, and a single brother who turned to bullying as a way to deal with what he was going through growing up. There were always feelings of I am not good enough. I am not a good enough student. I am not a good enough daughter. I was always trying to please others, and dealt with more mental abuse than you can shake a stick at. Its enough that I wrote journal after journal so I'd never forget about the unfairness exacted on me, horrific stories that would make you want to put your fist through the wall.

The bullying and constantly being told that my emotions and thoughts were wrong, and then told how I should be thinking, forced me into thoughts that self harm and mutilation is acceptable. Its really not okay to be treated that way. Because if I'm not doing something right I should be punished. I have since identified this as an irrational thought. But this was just a dip into my past reality. No one can ever scream at me and abuse me the way that I have done to myself. Because I expect it now. Before, I was okay with that. That was normal for me.

When I GTFO of my moms house in 2007, she called the cops on me because she thought, correctly, that I was running away. For me, it always takes someone else who cares about me, to tell me, no. The way that your mom treated you was wrong. My friends have told me, previous boyfriends, and even their entire families have told me what an abusive dysfunctional family I have suffered through as I was raised.

You know what makes me laugh? My mom is so caught up in herself that she cannot see how she's hurt me. She tells me that my previous boyfriends manipulated me and brainwashed me into thinking that she was the bad guy. Which wasn't true. I ran because I needed to get the hell out of toxicity at any cost or I was going to cut too deep one day and that would have been the end of it. Had I stayed in that situation. There was so much injustice that I was suffering, that when my chance came to not only get a college degree and move forward with my own life, I took it. Moving out in the middle of the night, not telling my mom where I was going. Getting married so that I could put myself through college, which I did. Taking my favorites with me and gaining guardianship of my best friend who was 16, and moving her out of a toxic situation as well. I picked everyone up that I cared about, and with the three grand that I had saved from working Monday-Friday since I was 15, I took others with me. I helped others start their life over. I helped give myself and others, that second chance that they were so desperately in need of. I saved a life. And I will never take that back or change my mind that leaving the best decision that I ever made in my life.

With one roommate out the door for new beginnings, and the second one about to venture off on great adventures, I will have only two weeks to have the house to myself for the first time since I bought it two years ago. My life partner and I will be alone in the house with just our pets, and dreams. I am greatly looking forward to it.

I plan to clean the house spotless before his family moves back in with us, two weeks after everyone has left. Honestly though I am very excited to have his family stay with us. His sister is super smart, retired Navy, and has a brilliant mind that is second to none. Her husband is a happy go lucky go getter that doesn't mind sacrificing a day to help me go run errands. He is able to keep most of the things on my list in his head, and its amazing because this means that I'm not forgetting a butt ton at the store. Their daughter is a cunning little angel. She's super smart. 4? I think?

I'd really like to take them to a park once it warms up and do some professional photos for them. They have a beautiful family! And some of the kindest coolest people I've ever met.

His sister is interesting to talk to. She has a mindset that is very different than mine, and very logical based, where I have a very intuition based mindset. She illuminates points of view, that are refreshing, feministic, and not selfish, but thinking of yourself first, which is what I am trying to work on.

My brother in law once told me I needed to stop being passive aggressive. I'm working on that.

I think his sister is a very good role model for me, and I look up to her because my brain is always flooded with how I can take care of everyone else, and while she has a kind heart and good morals, she always looks out for herself and family first. This is different than what I do, which I'd like to change. Because It is difficult for me to think of myself first at all. Except the bare minimum.

For people like me, I have heard, it can be difficult to relax. It can be easy to get overwhelmed because I flood my brain with a list of tasks half a mile long, and think of others worries more so than my own. My old way of thinking was, if I make them happy, and help solve their issues, they'll be happy and that will make me happy. But this is a flawed way of thinking I am realizing.

Don't judge me. We all learn life lessons at different times in our lives. I have had a lifetime of poor inner thought process that I finally feel like I have the tools I need for self recovery, and reprogramming my brain.

It has been a hard past year. Many, many dramatic changes, heart break, and suffering. Many many tears have been shed, bonds have been strengthened, people have been pushed to learn lessons they haven't learned yet either. Not just me. We've all changed. We've all grown. The difference between me and everyone else is, I'm ready to become a better version of myself through self reflection, not succumbing to negative self talk, but shaping my mind to be more positive instead of me just mentally putting myself down. I'm using tools like, meditation, exercise, positive self talk, gratitude, routine, spending time with myself for myself, music, writing out thoughts, and getting enough sleep, which I aim for 7 hours a night. Sometimes I make it sometimes I don't.

But these are the tools that anyone can use to help them feel better and improve themselves. I highly recommend using these tools which when you realize that if you take care of yourself and listen to your inner voice, and take control of your feelings ... it's the recipe for happiness.

#Dear Diary #journal #writing #personal journal #mental health #self love #consciousness #self care #self healing #motivation #healing #quotes

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 3 years

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My top 5 albums for 2020

I typically make this list at the end of December each year, but to be honest, none of the remaining albums that are scheduled to be released this year are ones I’m interested in listening to so I really couldn’t see them taking any of these spots anyway.

Anyway, before I start, I just want to say that I think that 2020 was a pretty strong year for albums. Genuinely, off the top of my head, there was probably another five albums and five extended plays that could have made this list had it been a weaker year. Likewise, even most of the albums that did make the list feel too low down and would have absolutely hit my number one spot in other, weaker years. But end of the day, it was thankfully not a weaker year and so without further ado, here are my top five albums for the year.

5. Chromatica - Lady Gaga.

I feel like every year I do this, I have that one album I was concerned about before it came out because I loved its predecessor so much and didn’t know how it would stack up. This year it was Chromatica. Being a massive Joanne fan and generally more inclined to listen to that sound, I didn’t see myself getting into Chromatica when Stupid Love first dropped. Even after that, it was a grower. Truth be told, I was battling whether to put Chromatica or Future Nostalgia in this slot due to that. As a whole, I listen to the songs on Future Nostalgia more and feel like they are an easier listen in day to day life and on their own. But what ultimately gave Chromatica its place here is the environment and feeling it sets up as a whole album, especially with its relationship to mental illness and recovery. Despite dance/pop songs dealing with mental illness/recovery typically not being my thing, Gaga really makes it work, particularly when listening to the album as a whole as opposed to select songs. This is one of the albums on this list that feels like it’s far too low down, but I couldn’t see myself pushing down any of the other albums. All up, it’s just a versatile album that can be used in a general pop/dance scene if you don’t want to think too deeply about the meaning behind it all or as a mental health moment in your day which in itself is impressive and makes it all the more enjoyable

Favourite Song: Sine From Above (featuring Elton John)

4. Folklore - Taylor Swift.

Remember in April when I said that I thought the postponement of Loverfest meant that we weren’t going to get a new Taylor album until 2022 and that she’d focus on her rerecordings in the meanwhile? Haha yeah me too.... But of course, Taylor had other plans. Honestly if you ever told me that miss Taylor “I fucking love the slow buildup to new albums” Swift would release a surprise album, I would have told you to stop being mean because it’s all I have wanted for years. So the fact we actually got that still blows my mind. I know a lot of people will say that I’ve ranked this album too low, and in many ways it definitely feels like I have. But quite honestly, for me personally, Folklore is an album that is objectively better than it is subjectively. Like realistically I know her writing and production choices on this album could easily rival RED and Reputation, the albums I would claim as Taylor’s best. But honestly, while the songs in Folklore are obviously connected, for me it just misses the level of connectivity and environment that I get from RED and Reputation. And obviously that’s not the case for everyone, I know a lot of people who have called this their pandemic album and feel the environment was just right for this year, that just wasn’t the case for me. Despite this however, the songs individually are incredible. Outside of Epiphany which I just personally find boring, it is a no skip album. Most of the songs have also really helped me in identifying and describing my trauma relating to my family which means the world to me. I have also decided that I would die for an organ version of My Tears Ricochet and a pop/punk version of August, though I doubt we will ever get them. Much like Taylor’s other work, I imagine it’s an album I will continue to listen to for years and even decades to come.

Favourite Song: August (but The 1 and Exile featuring Bon Iver are close seconds)

3. After Hours - The Weeknd.

This is another album I feel is too lowly ranked. Realistically this could have been my second place choice, but ultimately a lack of personal connection to the songs placed it here. I don’t really know what else I want to say about this album if I’m honest. It’s just really good. Like each song sounds unique enough to be distinguishable while still sounding alike enough to compliment each other throughout the album. I also feel like even though I don’t personally relate to these songs, there’s a sense of personalism and vulnerability on this album that I’ve only really felt on My Dear Melancholy (an extended play I heavily related to at the time). Also, it doesn’t need to be said, but despite having believed the Grammys was a political game for years, I am still beyond shocked that this album didn’t even get a nomination despite its success. Ultimately, I think this is my favourite The Weeknd album ever at this point.

Favourite Song: Heartless.

2. Manic - Halsey.

Like I said, I struggled on whether to make this my second or third choice for this list. Ultimately, what placed it as my second spot, and what I think is this album’s greatest strength, is that for me it perfectly encapsulated the highs and lows of being in your early 20s. Having turned 25 this year, listening to this album still feels like revisiting my early 20s with a new, more comforting and less lonely perspective. Genuinely, it feels as if I could assign each song a year of my early 20s in which I predominately felt those emotions and it just works. In my opinion, this is further strengthened with Ashley being my age and seemingly having similar musical taste, making the production choices feel all the more personalised to those moments as they are ones that I’d probably also make. All up, this album is amazing and feels like it’s going to be a nostalgia piece for a very long time for me personally. While I can’t say I’m surprised at the Grammys snubbing it given their record with Halsey, I still will forever feel like it’s disappointing because this album deserved so much more than it got.

Favourite Song: 929.

1. Child In Reverse - Kate Miller-Heidke.

Before I start talking about this album, I am once again going to note how bitter I am that Kate is so underrated. Perhaps I am too much of a stan, but genuinely Kate has been making top tier music for years now that barely anyone knows despite her being lyrically quite similar to big names such as Taylor, and Child In Reverse is no different. To be honest, upon my first listen to this album, I finally understood what everyone was on about when they said that Folklore was their pandemic/perfect 2020 mood album because that’s what Child In Reverse is for me. Much like Folklore and Manic, Child In Reverse feels a lot like I’m looking back over my past traumas and finding new ways to explain and process them and feeling less alone throughout the process. I will also say that while Kate has always made amazing music, this is the first album I personally connect to which just elevates my love for it all the more and has made it overtake Curiouser as my favourite album from her; something I never thought could be done. Further, I feel like this is Kate’s best album in terms of experience. While I would place Kate’s lyrical (and production in differing ways) ability on par with Taylor, I’ve always felt as if Taylor’s albums had more of an focus on the albums as a whole and how they work together to tell an overarching story, whereas Kate’s work tended to focus on the songs individually. Neither of these are better or worse than the other, but as I’ve mentioned, the environment and overall feeling of an album is just something that draws me in and makes me fall in love with albums faster and deeper than I otherwise would. So the fact that I feel Kate has achieved this for me with Child In Reverse just makes me so happy. All up, I feel that this was not only the most underrated album I heard this year, but the best and I truly hope that one day it gets the recognition it deserves.

Favourite Song: Child Of Divorce.

#kate miller heidke #halsey #the weeknd #taylor swift #lady gaga #child in reverse #manic album #after hours album #folklore #chromatica #kate miller-heidke

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fallstreakfeathers · 4 years

Text

Don’t Look Down

[Ch 1 ] [Ch Rating: T ) [Word count: 4898 ) (Also posted under ‘Arkhelios’ on Ao3. https://archiveofourown.org/works/23956846/chapters/57618382 Do not repost to other sites. ) Update 9/21- grammar/etc has been edited and corrected. Should flow much better and clearer

[ If you had told Kita as she lay herself against her old pillow and pulled the scratchy wool blanket over her head that the next time she opened her eyes, she’d be trapped in a room full of attractive men who claimed to be demons, she would’ve offered to drive you to the nearest mental ward. And yet, here she was.]

Kita sighed, shifting her arms into a more comfortable position as she shoved her face deeper in her own warmth. The room’s cool air sent a light shiver up her spine. She slowly became aware of the soft buzzing of voices, muffled by the pressure of her ears against her forearms. “... -eird way to sleep,” one said. She shifted in an attempt to hear better. “Looks like the spell is wearing off,” another muttered. Where...am I? She must’ve fallen asleep at the desk again. Go figure.

She could feel the soft cotton of her pajamas, a t-shirt and sweatpants, and the small granola bar that she always kept hidden in its pockets pressed loosely against her leg.

I was sleeping… Did I leave the television on? “Welcome to the Devildom! As a human, it may take some time for you to adjust here.” What kind of name was ‘Devildom’? What the hell was playing? Some dumb new show, probably. Oh well. She could turn the television off later. For now, it would stay on and mask the sounds of vehicles and people in the streets. It was doing this remarkably well, Kita thought. “...Kita?” That was strange. Television shows rarely said her name. She blinked, raising her head from the hard surface below her and wiping at her bleary eyes before blinking as she tried to focus. She immediately sat straight, eyes wide with alarm as the fog in her mind finally cleared. In front of her was a group of men, eyeing her expectantly or with mild annoyance as she slowly glanced around the rest of the room. With a quick look down, she thanked every deity and spirit she knew of that she’d been too lazy to remove her sports bra that day. How long had she been asleep? No light fixtures hung from the ceiling. Instead, the lighting came from the moon that hovered brightly in the night skies beyond the windows of the room, and the candelabra scattered around the tables. Only a few were lit.

A large banner dangled above each of the cushioned chairs. Each had been decorated in gold, and the black silhouette of an animal stood ominously against the violet material. From left to right the emblems bore a peacock, crow, serpent, a unicorn, a scorpion, a fly, and the last held something she couldn’t quite identify. A bull, maybe? The banners could’ve used some better composition, in her opinion. The red-headed man in the center had paused for a moment for Kita to respond, frowning a bit when she watched him with wary eyes. “...Oh, pardon me. Feeling a bit shocked, are we?” Kita remained silent in her confusion, shifting slightly under the man’s golden eyes. She blinked once, and then again, before finally comprehending her small discovery with a sudden clarity. Gold, not brown or green or blue like most people. Contacts? They looked real. She took a quick look across the line of men seated in front of her. She was met with four sets of irises just as oddly colored. Black eyes watched her from under the peacock banner. She wasn’t sure if the red glow was natural or an effect from the fire. Next was a blond man with bright green-blue irises that looked not the least bit interested in her but had an intelligence she knew was far beyond her own. Beside him sat another male. He bore eyes like the colors of the rising sun and he regarded her with what seemed, to Kita, to be too much interest. The last held a grumpy expression and his violet irises stood out against his fiery orange hair. The seats that corresponded to the crow, snake, and bull were empty.

“I think the human might be broken,” the second to last murmured before the one beside him threw a warning glance.

“I suppose I should start by introducing myself.” It would appear… they kidnapped me? Kita resisted the urge to squint at the warm tone of his words. If this was real, then surely nobody who’d gone through the trouble of stealing someone from their bed...desk… home in the middle of the night would have their captives’ best interest in mind? No. She’d have to escape as soon as possible. She swallowed, her mouth dry and muscles tense, and she shook uncomfortably under the sudden hot flashes and lightheadedness traveling through her like fire. This must all be a strange dream, Kita decided. But it couldn’t be. Her anxiety was too real. The nauseating dizziness, like a ship on rough seas, was too visceral and she could feel every muscle as they cramped.

“My name is Diavolo.” So, when am I going to wake up? She considered making a break for the door, but quickly pushed the idea aside. She didn’t know what this building’s layout was, and there was sure to be people in the hallways. She’d never make it. Besides, the door was enormous and looked solid. It would take too much time and energy to open. Better to wait. “I am the ruler of all demons, and all here know me. Someday soon, I’ll be crowned the king of the Devildom.” He was the prince? Should she bow?… Maybe not. She stilled and blanched, sitting somewhat straighter in her alarm when the next word of the sentence finally registered. Demons? That was... that’s impossible. Demons weren’t any more real than werewolves or unicorns or dragons. Interesting and fun to read about or study in fiction, but completely imaginary. Why can’t I wake up?

“This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo. We just call it RAD.” Kita nearly snorted. She supposed having to go to school in Hell would make sense. She took a breath to calm herself and quiet her trembling. If these men really were demons, the last thing she wanted was to appear weak in their presence. Many monsters, she knew, fed off fear and other such negative emotions. “Why am I here?”

I’m still tired. What time is it? She clenched her jaw before she had the chance to voice the offhand thoughts.

“I will explain everything to you,” the man in front of the peacock banner stated.

“Kita, this is Lucifer,” Kita opened her mouth as if to speak but closed it just as quickly, eyeing them both with a guarded expression as her discomfort, again, rose, “He’s a demon and the Avatar of Pride.” You’ve got to be shitting me. Of course his name is Lucifer.

“He’s the vice president of the student council and my right-hand man...aside from that, he’s also my most trusted friend.” Diavolo’s laughter was loud, joyous, and startling. She gripped her thigh painfully tight to hide her flinch. She was very much awake now, and she struggled to control her breathing again, cursing herself as the severity of her situation began to set in. She was kidnapped from her small and lonely home, in her sleep, and now she was sitting in what apparently was Hell itself, in a room with not only the Prince of the realm but Lucifer himself and what was likely 4 other demons of the same strength and cruelty. “Flattery gets you nowhere, Diavolo,” Lucifer muttered. “Why am I here?” Kita couldn’t hide the fear and irritation in her voice this time, and she chastised herself. “I’m not dead yet, am I?” She earned herself a slight chuckle from the prince. “You aren’t.” “This one’s really different from Solomon.” Why did that name sound vaguely familiar, Kita wondered. Probably some book she read. It wasn’t uncommon for names to be repeated. “Diavolo believes that we demons should start strengthening our relationship with both the mortal world and Celestial Realm,” Lucifer explained. Celestial Realm? Ah...If the Devildom was Hell, then that must be Heaven. “As the first step towards this goal, we’ve instituted an exchange program. We’ve sent two of our students to the human world, and two to the Celestial Realm. I take it you’ve figured it out at this point?” Kita frowned at the barely hidden smirk on the black-haired demon’s face. There had to be an ulterior motive to this ‘exchange program’. She doubted demons would want to play nice with everyone out of the blue. “I don’t remember agreeing to this.”

She shuddered at the thought of returning to school. She’d never done well in any class back in her own world. She drew, so she took Art, but failed that (somehow drawing was less fun when you were told what to do. Who wants to spend an hour painting fruit when there’s a hundred worlds to be seen instead?). She latched on to some bits of history, but it was always the parts that were glossed over. She hardly passed math (only because the instructor had taken pity on her final exam). Why bother learning some math theorem when the whole of space held a thousand and one secrets? How could she focus on English when the ocean’s depths remained unseen? “Irregardless, you’re here now. Your period of stay is a single year. You will work on the tasks assigned to you from RAD.”

Kita grumbled to herself. What was there that she could do that would prevent this? She turned to the prince in front of her. “I am the worst possible choice for this,” she reasoned, “did you even look at my previous school grades before... selecting me?” “You truly are quite different from Solomon!” he laughed. “After one year,” Lucifer continued, “you will compose a report about your exchange here in the Devildom.” “You mean kidnapping?” She couldn’t stop herself. I could just... not write the paper. They know that, right? “If you must view it that way.” Kita bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to distract herself from the fear still pooling in her stomach, her expression dark.

“Don’t glare like that,” Lucifer smiled, condescending and borderline cruel, “you won’t be abandoned all by yourself here.” Gee, what a relief.

“You’ll need someone to look after you. I think that person should be my brother, Mammon.” Kita wasn’t sure what it was about his remark that made her think the demon in front of her was up to no good, but she quickly concluding that she did not like him in the slightest. “He’s the Avatar of Greed and... how should I put it…?” he shrugged, “well, you’ll understand soon enough.” She hadn’t thought it was possible to admire someone any less as he handed her a small device.

“This is yours for as long as you’re here. Call Mammon.” She looked between Lucifer and the phone with distaste. “Can’t I just text him?” “I believe a call would be more appropriate.” “Texts are easier, and more practical,” she countered. “Call him.” Kita sighed, thumbing through the contacts and pressing Mammon’s name. It rang twice before a raucous voice erupted from the phone. “Yoooooo.” “Uh… hey?” “Eh? Who the hell are ya? You ain’t Lucifer!” he sounded as confused as he was relieved.

“Kita. I’m a human.” “Huuh? A human?” Was he always this obnoxiously loud? Kita held the phone off her ear, wincing. “Geez, I was gettin’ all chilly here thinkin’ it was Lucifer again. So, what business does a weak little human got with THE Mammon.” She nearly rolled her eyes. Who refers to themselves like that? “Apparently you’re in charge of me from now on.” She did not try to hide the distaste in her voice. Mammon snorted. “Hell no! There’s nothin’ in it for me. Whaddya even mean by ‘be in charge of you’?” The phone fell silent and then exploded in noise again as he yelled excitedly. “AAH! I get it now! You’re the other human exchange student! Yeah, g’luck with that. I ain’t got time to play babysitter. See ya!” “Listen here, jackass,” Kita snapped. She was tired. She was stressed, and she sure as hell didn’t need this. “I’m not happy about it either. You think I want some asshole demon telling me what to do? Lucifer called for you.” Mammon laughed. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ya think the Mammon would listen to your bull just ‘cause you’re tryin’ to scare me with that name? I ain’t stupid.” She was abruptly aware of the demon behind her as he turned her shoulder towards himself so he could speak into the phone. She jerked herself out of his grip with a grunt, but allowed him close enough that Mammon could hear him. “You’ve got ten seconds… nine… eight…” Kita held back a laugh at the sharp yelp that squeaked through the phone. “YESSIR!” The call disconnected, and Kita shut off the screen. This is who was supposed to keep her safe here? Are they joking? “Sounds like you had a pleasant chat,” Lucifer said, a patronizing smile adorning his face. She had the sudden urge to throw the device across the room. Or at him. Throwing it at him would be much more satisfying. “Yeah, he seems about as trustworthy as the rest of you.” She smiled as sweetly as she could, hoping the insult would fly past him. It didn’t, and she didn’t miss the brief laughter from the green-eyed man. “You should show us more respect, human,” Lucifer growled. Kita glared back at him, hands clenched tightly as she stood and stared at him. She was silent a moment before she spoke, imparting as much hate and rage into her words as she could. “I will never respect any of you,” her voice left her with a hiss and the shadows in the room seemed to lengthen as Lucifer tensed angrily. “Well, if you were suddenly brought to an unfamiliar place and told that a stranger would take care of you, I’m sure you’d be anxious,” Diavolo interrupted softly. The room returned to normal, although Lucifer continued to glare at her. Kita nodded once at the prince, appreciating his understanding, and recognizing how easily he diffused the situation. “Mammon won’t be the only one helping you out,” he turned to Lucifer, “we still need to introduce our new friend to your brothers. It’s probably better that you do that, wouldn’t you say?” He must mean the others sitting here.

“Yes… As much as I dread the idea of doing so, you’re right.” Kita raised her eyebrow at his words. He didn’t like his own family? Well… there was one matter they shared in common then. Not that it was an excellent thing to bond over. “Come now,” the man in front of the scorpion banner said, his hair bouncing slightly, “you should be honored that you get to introduce a sweet and charming little brother like me!” Lucifer ignored his words. “This one here is Asmodeus. He’s the fifth eldest, and the Avatar of Lust.” Kita nearly cringed. So, what? He’s horny all the time? Gross. “Wh… I can’t believe you just totally ignored what I said,” Asmodeus frowned, “And not only that, you referred to me as ‘this one’. How rude!” The demon in front of the unicorn spoke next, eyebrows pinched together, “Hmph. At least he didn’t ignore you altogether. How do you think I feel?”

“That one there is Satan,” he watched the blond with an unreadable expression, “He’s the fourth eldest of us. At first glance he may seem like a responsible demon with a good head on his shoulders, but looks can be deceiving.” Of course there’s a ‘Satan’ too. “So is insulting each other a thing with you all, or is it just you?” Satan smirked, but Lucifer let her go unanswered. “I am the Avatar of Wrath. Nice to meet you, Kita.” “Likewise.” I guess. “So what’s Avatar of Wrath even mean?” “It sums up what he’s about,” Lucifer explained,” he may flash you a pretty smile like that, but it’s all an act.” Wow, he really does like dragging his brothers.

“If you continue making claims like those, you’ll just scare her.” Satan smiled. Kita wrinkled her nose. It honestly did look forced, and she leaned back in her seat, anxiety rising, as the surrounding atmosphere grew dark again. Angry. Kita didn’t like anger. It reminded her too much of memories she’d much rather forget. She mentally shook her head to clear it. “Don’t take him seriously, Kita. Lucifer enjoys speaking ill of his brothers. He’s the Avatar of Pride, after all.” “I’ve noticed,” she said shortly. “Are you done?” the black-haired demon sighed.

“Now, the one there with the grumpy look on his face is Beelzebub. He’s the sixth oldest.” It didn’t take Kita more than a second glance to realize the size of the demon. This guy was absolutely enormous and would’ve dwarfed her had they been sitting next to each other.

“Lucifer, I’m hungry,” the orange haired man frowned. He held his stomach with one hand as it erupted in a monstrous noise loud enough to echo through the room. “That’s too bad. Behave yourself.” Beelzebub turned his head, a crestfallen look on his face as he muttered, “I’m Beelzebub, Avatar of Gluttony.” “There are seven of us siblings in all. I am the eldest.” Lucifer said. “Mammon is the second. My other brothers aren’t here at the moment.” Diavolo chuckled lightly. “They will lend you their strength during your stay in the Devildom. To keep you safe, you’re to remain with them at the House of Lamentation.” Sounds inviting. Lucifer nodded before turning to Kita. “Most agree with Diavolo, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t vulgar demons out there who would harm you,” Lucifer told her, “if anything were to happen to you, it’d be our responsibility.” His expression turned dark and Kita could feel the warning behind his words when he spoke, “I won’t betray Diavolo’s expectations.” ‘Don’t make yourself any more trouble than you already have’, was the unspoken message. His face lightened a bit. “Although we will live together, you should still have the means to reach us at any moment. All our phone numbers are already on your D.D.D, along with a messaging app.” “I’ll send you a message!” Diavolo’s cheery tone cut in. “Isn’t that nice, Kita? Now you’ll be friends with the future king of the Devildom!” Satan grinned. “Texting doesn’t make anyone friends,” Kita muttered as she looked at the screen. Diavolo: This is my account. Diavolo: Feel free to send me a text at any time.

The emoji he sent next was an odd, three footed bird creature. It was obviously angry, and oddly adorable. Have I irritated him already? She shoved the thought away when a glance at the prince revealed a face slightly twisted in concentration. Diavolo: Oh, sorry. Diavolo: I haven’t gotten used to this yet. Diavolo: You see, Lucifer is the only demon who sends me messages…

Kita supposed it would be intimidating for anyone to knowingly speak to the prince, but for Lucifer to be the only one who would text him? It made her almost feel bad for the guy. She replied with an emoji of a shivering shiba inu, confused at the random human world animal amid a hundred demonic creatures. Diavolo: Hahaha, that’s a cute dog! It took Kita a second to realize that he hadn’t laughed out loud, but he grinned at her before putting his phone away at the exact moment she heard muffled shouting from outside the room. “It seems the idiot has arrived.” A door slammed open behind her, crashing into the wall as a white-haired man stormed inside. “Hey!” Oh, God, his voice was even louder in person, “just who do the hell do you think ya are, human? You’ve got a whole lot a’ nerve summoning the Great Mammon.” “I wasn’t aware I could summon demons with a phone,” she smirked, against her better judgement, “thought all that needed a blood ritual or something? Maybe it was a goat.” Mammon glared at her. “Listen up, because I’m only gonna say this once,” he growled, “if you want to continue your pathetic existence, then hand over all your money. And anything else of value, too!” This sounds like a corny mugging. She should just keep her mouth shut. Every fibre of her being screamed at her to stay quiet. Unfortunately, she was never very good at listening to herself when she was frightened. “Do I look like I have money to you?” “Hey! I’ll wipe that stupid, happy-go-lucky look right off your face...by eatin’ you,” he barked. It was hard to take him seriously with the way he spoke, even as he leaned close to her. “Not if I eat you first,” Kita snarled, earning her another amused chuckle from Satan. “Like a weak human could ever do that.” “On second thought, I wouldn’t want to anyway,” she mused, “you look like you’d be tasteless and gristly.” “Why you-” He gripped the edge of her shirt. “Mammon, knock it off or I’ll punch you!” Lucifer snapped. Kita turned her sight to the prince in front of her as Lucifer wasted no time hitting Mammon and drawing a loud yelp from the younger demon. “This is what I’m going to have to deal with for the next year?” “Kita, Mammon here is the Avatar of Greed,” Satan interrupted from his seat, “he oversees all forms of it. Whenever he takes a liking to someone, they suddenly find themselves awash in money. From what I hear, if he breaks it off with someone, that wealth evaporates.” “He’s also a masochist,” Asmodeus snickered, “that part’s important.” Kita eyed him, no longer trying to keep her irritation and disgust hidden. There was no possible reason she could think of that she would ever need to know that.

“Indeed,” Lucifer said, “and it just so happens that I have a job for my masochist of a brother.” “Y’all, stop telling lies!” Mammon groaned, “I ain’t asked for that punch, and I ain’t a masochist!” “Mammon, you will be in charge of seeing to this human’s needs during the entire exchange. I expect your full cooperation.” “What?! Why me?!” Kita tried not to wince at the volume of his indignant shout. It really wasn’t as if she wanted the white-haired demon to tag along with her, and he was obviously about as fond of the idea as she was. That is to say, not at all. “You’re lucky, Mammon... I’m so jealous,” Asmodeus whined. “Then why don’t you do it?” Kita froze. Somehow, she trusted and liked Asmodeus even less than her current assigned sitter. Besides, Kita and flirting went together as well as oil and water. “Hell no, too lazy.” Thank my lucky stars. “Just give up, Mammon,” Satan sighed, “there’s no getting out of this. You cannot refuse a direct command from Lucifer.” “But why does it have to be me?!” Mammon grumbled, “what about Beel? Why can’t he do it?” “We might as well ask him to eat this human,” Asmodeus said. “Mm. Yeah, I can’t promise I wouldn’t.” Kita wasn’t sure if it was the nonchalant way the man spoke that amused her, but it took all her concentration not to laugh. Maybe it was the absurdity of it all. At least he was honest? “You’re useless, you know that?” “Mammon?” Lucifer spoke softly, his eyes darkened and dangerous. “..Wh-What?” “Surely you’re not telling me you object to this arrangement?” The room darkened again as the flames of the candelabras flickered, and Kita shivered as a sudden chill ran up her spine. Mammon was silent for a moment. The room was quiet enough that Kita was certain she could hear a pin dropping from the hallway. “Ugh… I hate you guys, every last one of ya!” he growled, “fine... Fine, I’ll do it, okay?” Drama queens. She was going to have to spend a year dealing with the seven demons who quickly were becoming the biggest drama queens she knew. Great. Perfect. She placed her index and thumb between her eyes, rubbing in an attempt to quell her growing headache. This was all just too much. Her exhaustion had long since quelled the anxiety and fear she’d felt, and even her anger was slowly slithering back to the confines of her unconscious thoughts. Now, she simply wanted to go back to bed and pretend this hadn’t happened. “All right, human,” he spat the word like it disgusted him, “listen up. As much as I don’t want to look after your worthless ass, I’ve got no choice. It’s an enormous pain, and I’m too important for this kind of thing, but Lucifer told me to do it, so I will. You better make sure you don’t cause me any trouble, got it?” Kita crossed her arms, frowning. “...” “Man, there really is something wrong with this one…”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

It had taken another two hours to wrap up Lucifer’s basic explanation of what was expected of her and by the time it he finished, after countless insults and complaints thrown by her new ‘guardian’, Kita wanted nothing more than to scream and disappear into the void. Her anxiety was back with a vengeance and seemed hellbent on making her suffer. She couldn’t concentrate on anything but the tremoring of her leg as she bounced it off the floor to keep herself awake. “To sum it up for you, you will be an exchange student here at RAD for one year and you must do your tasks,” Lucifer said, “your tasks consist mainly of dance battles, and as you have no magic power, we will lend you a hand.” Ah. Right. Dance battles. These demons are fighting over my soul… by shitty dance competitions, apparently. “Why?” she had asked Diavolo. “Ordinarily, many demons would settle disputes via physical or psychological battles. I believe this is a much more peaceful solution that puts us in a better light,” he had grinned at her, “we aren’t savages.” They could’ve fooled her. She shifted against the intense heat wave that clutched her spine like a vice, tightening and choking her until she could hardly breathe against the lump in her throat and her burning eyes. She was so, so incredibly close to breaking.

Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry. Don’t you dare show any more weakness in front of these things.

“I wanna make one thing clear right now: don’t blame me if someone gets eaten,” Mammon spoke, as if she wasn’t in the room, “‘cause it ain’t my fault.” “Lucifer, I’m hungry…” Beelzebub grumbled. So I am... “That’s too bad. Now behave yourself.”

Beelzebub, again, turned his head away and his frown deepened. It was at least the third time the demon had mentioned his empty stomach, and he seemed increasingly upset each time. Oh, Kita’s shoulders relaxed in sudden amusement and understanding. Do demons get hangry? Poor guy. Kita rummaged through her pajamas pocket, pulling out the granola bar she’d forgotten about in the midst of all the chaos. “H-Hey… I don’t know if you’ll like this, but you can have it if you want?” Kita offered the large demon. She nearly snorted at how quickly his face lit up as he nodded. She pulled her arm back to toss the small bar to him and, despite missing her mark by at least two feet, he caught it effortlessly. “Thanks!” His smile seemed to brighten the room as he tore open the wrapper. Oh… it should not be legal for a demon to look that sweet. He looks sorta like a puppy, smiling like that. An enormous, really dangerous puppy… What am I doing thinking about him like that? Kita shook her head to clear her thoughts. Thank God it didn’t seem like they could read minds.

Diavolo seemed enthralled with her actions and she avoided his intense look by awkwardly staring at the ceiling, and then the table. “I have no more food, so don’t ask,” she told the prince, only partly joking.

Kita yawned, eyes beginning to droop in her exhaustion. It had been well past midnight when she’d gone to bed, and she wanted nothing more than to return to one, soon. “Are we done here yet?” she asked, trying to mask her irritation behind yet another yawn. “Yes!” Diavolo said,” as stated earlier, you’ll be staying in the House of Lamentation with Lucifer and his six younger brothers. They’ll escort you there now.” Wonderful.

“Humans, angels, and demons… I imagine a universe where each accepts the other. Where we are brought together as friends.” Kita rose from her chair as the others did, slowly trailing after the group as they moved through the hallway. So much for escaping as soon as possible. They surrounded her on all sides, and she was ready to collapse, anyway. “One year,” Diavolo called after them, “that’s all I ask of you. Good luck, Kita.”

#obey me #obey me fanfic #obey me mammon #obey me beelzebub #obey me lucifer #arkwrites #Dont Look Down #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me diavolo #obey me shall we date #im very excited about this fic LMAO #q #what do you do when a demon threatens to eat you? threaten to eat them first

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