#im this close to embrace just accepting they are the fucking team who know nothing of each other

[andrewknightley]

these are the type of convers that made me think the party just talks with tav/durge and barely with each other... wyll and astarion as an example but most of them really.... what do you mean what were you doing all those years? this is act 3 please TOT

#i like to think the companions become friends but they really just feel as we have One Friend In Common (expect karlach and wyll) #(and a bit lae'zel/shadowheart) #im this close to embrace just accepting they are the fucking team who know nothing of each other #some convers feels like astarion only tells the main player about cazador properly idk idk #talking about the weather in act 3 type ass conversations #everyone is doing a frieren is this fucking game #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #astarion #wyll #astarion ancunin #wyll ravengard

[broadwayandnetflix]

OMG- BO FIC REQUEST

a fluffy fic where he takes you out to a fancy dinner. picks you up at your house & meets your parents, driving to the place, all that pizazz- and more if you decide to write! Im a big fucking sucker for the romantics as you can see LMFAO.

Meet The Parents - Bo Burnham x Reader

Warnings: Language

Theme: Fluff! Slight bit of Angst.

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: picture this as like his what tour cause it fits up with the college timeline hoes. also, I hope you like that I added an airport, cause rom-com shit amirite? I’ll stop. wooooooo this is so long. I hope y’all like essays cause fuck.

It had been too long since you had last seen your boyfriend, Bo. The two of you had met in college at NYU briefly before he dropped out to pursue his comedy career.

Of course, you have been supportive. Why wouldn’t you be? You just really missed him, especially when he went on long tours, you in school, and him touring the world.

The two of you kept in touch. Bo often taking the time to call you before or after a show to hear your voice and call himself down. You knew what they did to his anxiety, and not being able to hold each other was difficult for the both of you.

He’d do the same for you, without a shadow of a doubt. Especially when school was stressing you out, and exams and essays were becoming a pain in the ass to handle. Even if it was just little funny texts or messages, he helped you.

It’s what you did for each other. You were a team, even if it was states away from each other. Except, luckily for you, his tour was ending soon. Or it should be, judging by the tiny calendar of dates that he gave you.

It was nearing Thanksgiving Break, and it just didn’t seem applicable that you’d be able to meet up in time. Given the short week window and Bo riding down from nearly a year of touring.

So you didn’t say much, as you packed your bags for the week and left for your home state.

The airplane ride wasn’t that bad. You wished that you had Bo beside you, cracking jokes to calm the inevitable way that your heart would jolt when you went up in the air. Unlike Bo, you absolutely hated flying.

Earbuds in, you strolled into the airport a tad bit jet-lagged and went to grab a bite from a small coffee shop. Slipping the cashier a twenty, you walked the airport in search of your luggage.

Through a sea of people, you trudged, already feeling fatigued and just wanting a nap. You didn’t even realize that you were gonna run smack dab into someone. That is until their hand shot up and held you steady.

You laughed pathetically and cringed quickly, going to apologize, hoping that the person who caught you would just keep moving on. Except, they still stood in front of you, silent as ever.

“Hey man look I’m so sorry, I’m just so tired I didn’t even see where I was going.” you mumbled before realizing just who you were speaking to.

Bo.

You froze, staring at the man in pure confusion. How was he here when he was supposed to still be on tour? You rubbed your eyes, wondering if he’d still be there when you reopened them.

News flash, Bo was still there. Fuck.

“Holy shit,” you murmured, realizing your hands were still full with your bag, phone, and lunch.

God, you were gonna cry; this wasn’t happening. He looked so fucking good, the glasses, the hair.

He watched you quietly, a soft smile resting upon his lips. While you clumsily pull on his arm to get out of the ongoing traffic of people around you, preferably a spot with a place to put your stuff.

Your tall boyfriend lumbering after you unbeknownst to you, trying to compose himself. It had practically been months since he had seen you last, and you had never looked more beautiful.

Once you set them down gently, you practically ran into the man’s arms. His bags gently fall to the floor as his arms are securely wrapped around you. Nearly lifting you off the ground.

The two of you rocked gently in the embrace, completely lost in each other. Bo resting his head on top of yours, pressing soft kisses upon your head. Tears softly pour down your cheeks and onto his shirt. Giving him enough time to wipe them away and plant a soft kiss against your lips.

“Bo, what are you doing here? I thought you were still on tour.” you sniffled, still wrapped up in his arms.

“Managed to make things work, I wanted to see you. Or I was gonna try and surprise you at the gate, but you kinda…ran into me.” Bo smirked, looking down at you.

“Well you definitely surprised me, man I really missed you.” you said quietly.

“Honey, you don’t understand how long I’ve waited for this moment. I swear my agents are probably sick and tired of me talking about you.” he exclaimed, causing you to smile.

This long-distance was really starting to get to the two of you; of course, his tour was gonna be over soon. Except, especially two different states away from each other, it made your heart hurt.

Moments like these, you wanted to just pause the time and exist in them forever. It seemed like between the two of you, you were running out of time. Just how much time exactly?

It was almost as if he could sense the hesitation as he swept up his bags and yours in the process.

“Just realized, we’ve got places to be.” he chirped, and you eyed him curiously.

“Like where?” you said, grabbing your coffee and bag from the coffee shop.

“Patience is a virtue my dear.” he tuts and slips his hand between yours. “Now, where’s your luggage terminal?”

-

It was roughly a forty-minute drive from the airport to your place. Bo had rented a car for the next couple of days, so it was smooth sailing from that point on.

Bo behind the wheel, and you are sitting in the passenger trying to figure out what music to play.

It didn’t help that you were in the car with a comedian, as whatever song you picked, Bo would pretend to critique it. Only sending you into a fit of hysterics.

“Oh okay, well you pick the music then!” you cried, pretending to stare daggers at him.

“I’ve got something for you, it’s this brand new artist I found while on tour.” he grinned, looking over at you briefly before focusing back on the road.

“His name is….Bo Burnham I think? I could be wrong? He was good-“ he said nonchalantly before earning a quick swipe to his arm from you.

“God, you look cute when you’re angry. You’re missing out on that Bo Burnham guy, he’s got potential.” he said.

“I hate you.” you giggle before finding a more comfortable position in the car.

“Oh shit you know what I just realized?” Bo yelped, causing you to slightly jolt in your seat.

“What?”

“Isn’t this the first time I’m meeting your parents?” he asked, causing you to slightly stiffen in your seat.

Technically, yes. It wasn’t like your parents didn’t know, it’s more so that there was never really a good time for them to meet. You wondered what they’d think, dating someone who dropped out of college to pursue comedy.

Not that your parents were judgmental. They wanted you to be happy, as any parents would. You just were worried if they wouldn’t respect and love Bo as much as you did. It had been close to two years at this point; what else did you have to lose?

“You are right, oh dear god. I wonder how that’s gonna go, hopefully well, right?” you ask, more so to yourself than Bo.

“Oh please, I’m great with people’s parents. Plus, they raised you, I’m sure they are great people. Babe, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” he reassured before continuing on the route.

-

It wasn’t long before he pulled into your family driveway, pulling the car into park, quickly placing a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“You ready?” he says quietly, looking at you sweetly.

You eyed the front door before looking back and meeting his eyes, nodding, as he leaned in to give you a quick kiss.

God, you missed those.

“Here goes nothing.” you smirk before slipping out of the passenger side and gather your bags.

Bo now follows suit as you knock on the door, his taller frame towering over you. One hand pressed on the small of your back, holding you steady.

The front door opens with a swing, with your mother greeting you at the door. A firm grin upon her lips as she rushes out to hug you, your father appearing behind her.

“Oh I’m so glad you were able to come home! We missed you so much!” she exclaims, squeezing you tighter.

Before giving you a slight nudge and knowing look towards Bo, who had remained oblivious, while he shook hands with your father.

All of you gather inside your house, Bo taking control of the conversation when acceptable.

Sitting down at the kitchen table, your parents are engulfed in his stories and laughing at his jokes. All the while getting to know the man that you loved so much.

Bo was pretty much a natural when it came to impressing others, and you knew it wasn’t gonna be an issue with your parents.

The two of you answering almost any questions, Bo excitingly telling the story of how the two of you met.

-

“Oh I almost forgot, I need you to do me a favor.” Bo murmured when the two of you had a moment to be alone.

You looked up at him in confusion before he mentioned something about dressing up nice. A knowing look upon his lips before giving you a slight wink and walking off towards the guest room.

There you stood, gaping like a fish in wonderment at what he possibly could be planning. Slowly walking into your childhood bedroom, looking for anything that would meet his description of nice.

You settled for something that you wore to a formal gathering that still managed to fit you. Giving yourself a quick look in the mirror, you left your bedroom to find Bo standing there.

You had to hold back a gasp; the man looked rather handsome in a dress shirt and pants. His hair was nicely done, and his hand gestured out for you to take.

“Bo what is all this for?” you exclaim, as he only smirks and leads you towards the front door.

“Shut up, I’ve been wanting to take you out for months.” he says as he opens it and leads you towards his car.

The man practically doing the whole nine yards, all the while you looking at him in pure wonderment. Of course, the two of you had been on dates prior, but never like this.

You had to practically stop yourself from grinning as he suavely got into the driver’s side of the car., Giving a quick glance over at you unbeknownst to you, trying not to melt at how gorgeous you looked.

“Where are we going?” you ask as he starts the car slowly pulling out of the driveway.

“You ask a lot of questions my dear.” he says, keeping his eyes focused on the road.

“Oh shit is this my execution?” you smirk as he dramatically nods.

“Babe, how the hell did you find out? Who told you? Was it my manager? I knew she’d rat me out!” he exclaims.

“You know I had to be certain, you did make me dress up all nice and all.” you play along, grinning ear to ear.

“Oh well, I can’t give away the entire surprise so zip it with the questions sweetie.” he quips as he continues the drive.

-

It’s not long before he pulls into a fancy Italian restaurant, way out of your usual pay range. You could feel your stomach do somersaults, giving the man an incredulous look.

Bo simply grins as he gets out of the car, rushing over to open yours for you. Eyes wide, still staring at him like he was fucking insane. He shakes his head and carefully pulls you out of the car.

“Now no complaints. Or whatever you plan to do. I’m paying, I’ve been wanting to treat you like this for over a year now. I’m doing it, and I’m gonna enjoy doing it.” Bo huffs, all dignified.

You simply nod in disbelief before he slips his hand within yours. While he enters the restaurant, he mentions his reservations to the hostess, and they seat you at a table.

Once the butterflies subsided in your stomach, you took the attention of the man in front of you. Never had anyone done something like this for you. You were trying to not look like a genuine fool with the smile you wanted to express.

You knew he was the one for you, but the way that he had looked at you. The pure adoration in his eyes and how he had planned everything, you were practically melting.

“I love you.” you whisper, wondering if he could hear it.

He did.

Bo looked up from his menu, a blush now practically kissing his cheeks. He dimples, rising at the declaration before reaching across the table since he was large enough to kiss you gently.

He was quick enough as the waitress came over to take your order. That goofy lovesick grin still plastered across his face as he straightened up in his seat.

The two of you ordering whatever looked best on the menu, clinking glasses when they arrived and looking dreamily into each other’s eyes.

“Man, I missed you. Like I know I say it a lot, but I mean I did. Going on tour is….well it’s lonely. I know you’re still in school, but sweetie. When I’m done, you’ll be sick of me. I promise.” Bo said insistently.

“No I won’t, I’m sure it’s gonna be the other way around. I don’t know if I say it enough, but I really am proud of you. I am so proud to call you my boyfriend, to call you mine. I don’t mind waiting.” you say quietly.

“How did I get so lucky?” he paused, eyeing the plates of food that were coming your way.

“Thank NYU, they did all the work.” you joke, thanking the waitress before digging into the meals.

The food was excellent; it was incredibly worth the price. Even if it was steep, the dinner was lovely. Bo is cracking jokes and telling you his favorite fan encounters that have occurred since his tour began.

It was hard to believe that the man who was often so quiet and shy could be so loud and brave enough to yell at hecklers. Except you could believe it, you had obviously been to one of his shows.

It made your heart begin to flutter at the fact that he wasn’t afraid to be himself around you; it made you feel secure.

The way his stage presence dominated the scene, it was practically impossible to keep your eyes off of him. No matter the situation.

Even now, his eyes glimmer while he tells you whatever story he had dug up. This was his passion, and you reveled in it all.

The night went well as the two of you caught up, knowing it would be quite some time before he’d meet up with you again. As he too had Thanksgiving to celebrate with his family in Massachusetts.

You shared a nice dessert, and he left a rather hefty tip simply because he could. Bo never made it necessary to note that he had money, but you knew he was excited to spend it.

All the while, you spent the night in a dizzying smile. Not giving a shit whether anyone knew it or not, even in the parking lot. The two of you waltzing messily towards the car, giggling and sputtering like a bunch of fools.

He was your fool, and you were his, who knew how long you’d have with him for now. You were destined to make the most of it.

Even as the ride home dwindled and you knew he’d have to catch a flight soon. You weren’t surprised or shocked even; days with him tended to be like this.

As the two of you reached your front door, Bo carefully leaned down to a comfortable position and kissed you softly. Not desperately, just tenderly. As if by the time he’d kiss you again, you’d simply wouldn’t be there.

His lips grazing yours, hands pressed carefully against your cheeks. You reciprocating all the while leaning into him in a warm embrace.

When you finally pulled away to catch your breath, he gave you a look that you knew all too well.

“I’m not saying goodbye.” you whisper into his arms.

“I’ll be back soon don’t worry.” he murmurs into your embrace.

With one last kiss on the forehead, you watch as he walks back to his car. Judging by the way his schedule worked, you knew he’d be back sooner than he would in the past.

Yet, with the soft ‘I love you’ said between the two of you couldn’t help but shed a tear and just hope that the next time would last longer.

#broadwayandnetflix #2021 #bo burnham #bo burnham x you #bo burnham x reader #inside #what #make happy #words words words #fluff #fanfiction #fanfic request

[boyy-wonder-grayson]

Crush

Summary: Jason has a crush on the reader who happens to be Dick’s girlfriend.

Requested: yes

Parings: Dick Grayson x Reader. Jason Todd x Reader (kind of)

Warnings: angst, smut a little

A/N: just a lil imagine that my lovely frined @riseofnightwing requested. (not beta read cause im tired so sorry for mistakes)

The rain tapped against the windows of the tower, a quiet sort of night. The air around the tower was so tense that you could almost cut it with a knife. It's been almost three days since the last time Dr light attacked,and the team was frustrated without new leads to follow. Dick, Hank, Donna and Kory were trying to find something out in the streets,but it's been two hours since they've gone out and so far nothing.

Y/n sighed in frustration, she cracked her neck trying to release the tension from the last few days and went to the kitchen to get some coffee. She's been sitting at the computer for most of the day trying to find something, and waiting for something from the others but to no avail. 

"Hey Y/n" Jason greeted her from his spot on the kitchen. He was already drinking coffee and offered to make some to Y/n which she accepted gratefully. 

"Got anything on Dr douchebag?" He asked making her chuckle. 

"Nothing so far" she yawned covering her mouth with her hand. "And the other have nothing either. I hate this dude, can he like surrender or something in getting really tired of San Francisco's jail system." She complained 

"It's like they let the villains out whenever the city starts gains some peace" she finished drowning the remaining of her coffee. She really needed caffeine today.

Jason laughed at her outburst and placed a hand on her shoulder rubbing comforting circles near the skin of her neck. 

"We're gonna get him, that's what we do" he said looking at her with softness on his gaze.

Y/n smiled down at him, she was a few inches taller than him, and placed her hand on top of his "thanks jay I kinda needed that". Jason felt his heart hammered in his ribcage at their close proximity. It was now or never, he leaned in trying to kiss her, much to her oblivion, but the moment was cut short when her phone rang.

"Hey Dick what's up?" She answered the phone, throwing Jason an apologetic look, leaving the boy alone in his frustrated state. She left the room and went back to the computer and sat down.

"I was thinking maybe we could have some...alone time when I come back to the tower?" Dick asked her. She knew exactly what he meant by that and to be honest she was thrilled that Dick needed her as much as she needed him. She released a breathy laughed and told him that she couldn't wait for him to come back. 

It's been three months since they started dating and almost two years of mutual pining for each other. When she had enough of Dick's bullshit she decided to take the first step and kissed him after one successful mission. A victory kiss if you will, and Dick was happy that at least someone had the balls to make a move. 

Ever since then things went pretty great. What they didn't know was that Dick was not the only one with a massive crush on the female hero. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jason Todd was in love. Or so Rachel said. She was the only one who knew about her gigantic crush on Y/n and it was an honest mistake that she found that out. Sometimes her powers get out of control and casually that day, Jason was around. He made her swear  not to tell anything to anyone and Rachel assured him she wouldn't say a word.

Jason wasn't the type to pine after someone like Y/n. Not because he was some sort of asshat that believed that he was better than anyone,or that she wasn't enough. It was because y/n was the total opposite of him. While she has a happy-go-lucky attitude towards life, Jason was more of  when-life-doesn't-give-you-lemons-you-kick-down-the-tree. That was one of the main reasons; another one was how much everyone enjoyed having her around, he sure as hell did. She was so optimistic and full of life that at the beginning, that it surprised Jason so much that he thought she was faking it. In this type of life no one was that happy. But with time he realised that she was genuinely just a happy person; which made Jason feel things he didn't want to. He wasn't expecting to fall for someone like her, specially when she's a bit older than him. And specially when he saw his brother act the same way as him towards her more than once. 

It drove Jason insane to see him all over her, but he didn't want to give away his feelings for her.

He was supposed to go on patrol later that night, since the other were already out he would take their place, alongside Gar, Rachel, Conner and Dawn.  He didn't want to leave now that he could spend some time with her, but the job needed to be done. He suited up and just as he was going out Y/n walked past him, she smiled at him.

"Looking good Robin" she told him playfully. He winked at her and made a reverence which made her rolled her eyes at the boy.

"Be safe out there, okay?" She told him with softness. Jason's heart did a flip and he felt his face turn red. He only nodded and before he left she hugged him. He melt into her embrace that didn't last too long much to his chagrin.

He left for patrol not without promising that he would confess his feelings for her when he got back.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Y/n sighed when she felt Dick's lips on the inside of her tights. She grabbed a fistful of his hair to bring her closer to where she really needed him. The brown haired boy chuckled but obey without a fuss. Truth is she loved when he went down on her, and Dick was damn good at it. She bit the inside of her hand trying to tune down her moans but she failed miserably. She pulled Dick's hair harder than before making him grunt in response. She was so out of herself that at this point she didn't give a shit if someone heard them or not. When he was done she plopped down on her side laughing at her state. She was breathing heavily and sweat run through her forehead. Y/n looked at him and saw a smug smile graced her boyfriend's face.

"I guess you enjoyed that" he asked cuddling her.

"Mm what makes you said that?" She asked playfully.

Dick kissed her shoulder and pulled her closer to his chest.

"Oh I don't know, maybe the way were moaning my name when I put my-" he was cut short when she elbowed him in the stomach making the boy laughed. 

"Shut up and go to sleep" she said closing her eyes. She was exhausted and so was he. Whenever they had sex Dick usually leaves in the morning before everyone could catch them,but since they were so exhausted Dick just sleep right through his alarm until a certain black haired boy bursted into the room the next morning. 

The two heroes were soundly asleep when Jason entered her room. He was shocked when he saw them sleeping together and naked. Dick's hands were all around her and she was grabbing the former arm. Jason felt sick. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. His brother and his crush sleeping together. Naked. He got out of there fast and bumped into Hank in the hallway.

"Hey man watch it" the blonde said.

"Fuck off" he yelled not even bothering how much attention he drew to himself. He felt his eyes watered. It shouldn't be this bad, it shouldn't affect him this much. But it did, he felt his breath quicken. 

"What the fuck is your problem dude?" Hank questioned.

"You! And everyone in this fucking tower!" Jason yelled.

Y/n and Dick woke up when at the commotion and quickly got dressed. When they reached the living room they saw Jason and Hank fighting.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Dick asked walking towards Jason to calm him down. He tried to put a hand on his little brother's shoulder but Jason shook it off rather violently.

" don't fucking touch you. You fucking traitor" Jason said through gritted teeth. Dick was taken aback by his brothers rage.

"What are you talking about?" 

"You knew i liked her!" He pointed at Y/n who was quiet throughout this whole exchange. "And yet you still went and fucked her behind my back" he spewed the words.

Dick face felt. He cursed under his breath and tried to talk to Jason but the boy just shook his head and walked away. 

Y/n walked out of the living room feeling like shit. How could she not notice this? She asked herself. Jason's been spending so much time with her but she never really thought about this, she thought they were just friends. Just really good friends.

Dick found her crying in her bed. She truly felt like a shitty person.

"Hey stop that" Dick said wiping the tears from her face. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just" she took a shaky breath before she continued "how come we didn't realize this? He's your brother for fucks sake! And now he hate us for this" 

"Do you regret this? Us?" Dick asked with concern across his face.

"What?" She sniffed "no! Of course not. But I just can't help but feel like shit because I love Jason,like a brother and now I don't think there's coming back from this" she sighed.

"Look, I know Jason. He's hurt right now but he'll turn around and come back. He's a good kid he just needs time" dick reassured her.

Y/n nodded and looked at his boyfriend. She took his head on her hands and gave him a deep long kiss. Hopefully things will get better soon.

#dick grayson imagines #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson imagine #dick grayson #nightwing x reader #nightwing #jason todd #jason todd x reader #titans #netflix titans #titans imagines #fanfic

[oh-theatre]

Just A Remnant Now

A/n: lmao this is so bad im so sorry,,, lmaooo ITS SO BAD

TW: Death, spirit, spit, farting, destroy, pain, graphic descriptions, ANGST, no happy ending

“Im sorry Remus I cant talk to you right now, its been months and I cant figure out where this spirit energy is coming from” Logan huffs. “Tomorrow is my presentation and if i have nothing to show for it my entire funding, this project crumbles” He rambles. Remus follows him, his feet carry a sweet lightness as he listens.

“What will they do with the spirit or ghost?” Remus questions, sitting on one of the cold benches focusing hard as he fiddles with something in his hand. A cold breeze as Logan snatches the tool away from him. “Hmph” Remus pouts

“My guess? Ill get a whole team of scientists! A whole new lab with facilities and so much more! And ill tear it apart and study every aspect” Logan beams, the glint in his eye sickened Remus.

“So you'll kill it?” Remus scoffs “Seems kinda brutal”

“No ill just...take it apart to...examine its..origins and what it can do and...its a ghost what does it matter Remus?” Logan inquires, typing viciously away at his keyboard. 

“They still have feelings, their sensories are there!” Remus argues, feeling his face flush. “The way you plan to tear them apart is inhumane! Its against their will Logan, they are still forms of living. 

“They are, in every sense of the word, not Remus. They are dead, figments of what used to be. They cant feel pain, or emotion, they are a remnant” Logan explains

“They are more than that! Lo you're not listening!” Remus stands now, Logan could be intimidating but Remus towered over the scientist. 

“Im not listening because you don't know what youre talking about”  Logans cold glare would pierce anyone but not Remus. “You're just my engineer.” He spits

Though i wish we could be more, both think in unison through their frustration.

 “They have the memories of their old life, they have feelings, they have feelings of the world they must traverse through now as a spirit. They develop feelings, emotions, memories and more. They travel through to the middle ground between living and dead. If they accept it, they move on but some choose to stay!” Remus finishes, his breath cold as it spits on Logan. “Some don't have a choice! Some are tethered! But they aren't just ghosts Logan. They live in the now, through whatever means. Tearing them apart with my molecular design would kill them, and every ounce of pain felt would hurt just as much as it would to you.” Remus finishes, his body shakes, he tries his best to keep solid to the ground. 

“You've developed emotions for these things” Logan rolls his eyes. His judgment was not missed. “And if im not mistake, its your device Remus” Logan reminds

“You're right...it is” He turns to where the device sits immaculate, his design perfect. Such as the mad genius he was. He took his work in his hands, feeling every ounce of metal and wiring that was in it. Then, in the flash of an eye, the machine crashed. It fell to the ground with the force of anger, Logans shock and frozen state was unmissable as the pieces clattered around the ground. 

“What have you done” He whispers viciously. Remus stands triumphant feeling the pain inside. 

“What I should have done as soon as I made it” Remus sighs.

“Why do you care so deeply for these things! You have no idea what they are or what they do!” Logan yells, his voice echoes through the lab.

“For how smart you are.. youre so fucking dumb Logan!” Remus argues back. “For months the same spiritual energy has been popping up on your monitor! You couldn't put two and two together?” He smirks. “You really think after your failed convention last year they would send you an engineer?” 

“What are you saying” Logan breathes

“You're so dumb Logan!” Remus swipes an angered hand across the table, tools crash to the ground. 

“Stop calling me that” Remus’s accusations had cut deep.

“You call me that at least once every hour!”  The continue arguing, it hurts each of them more than can be described. Each new insult is a breach to the relationship they had built up over the past year.  Finally Remus couldn't keep it in anymore. “Im the spirit Logan!” 

the silence that fell through the lab was piercing. 

“I didn't want to move on because fuck closure, so i found you. I liked what you were doing...or at least what i thought you were doing. But once i had built the machine i could have left...but I liked you Logan. Plus you hadn't found a spirit! I thought hey maybe this will be the final piece of the puzzle...” Logans speechless breaths were terrifying. Remus cant help but reach out, he focuses allowing his hands to solidify. He takes Logans hands. “Watch” He instructs, after a quick thought Logans hands fall through Remus’s hold. 

“no no” He tries desperately to grasp to Remus, he wants to feel his hands. “No no lies lies all of it” He spirals, Remus just watches knowing this was inevitable. Remus feels a tug at his heart, he works quickly and the machine is one again. Logan remains at his desk, murmuring nonsense. 

“Lo?” Remus for all his chaos, had the softest voice. “Take me...to the demonstration tomorrow” he offers. Logan looks up finally, his eyes red from thoughts. “I was just another chess piece for your game, just use me...i don't think i wanna stay around much longer anyway” He sighs.

“No Remus. We have to stop this project.”

“what?” Remus barely breathes. 

“I was wrong...I was wrong and so misguided.” Logan admits, he has no idea if his next move would work but he takes Remus hands feeling a warmth as they stay solid in his hold. “You were never a piece...but I was wrong. Because they can feel, you feel...and I feel you” He moves a hand to Remus cheek. Logan had never seen this energetic bumble of ‘not safe for work’ jokes and buzzing laughter so...tired. And it was his fault. “You feel pain and joy and sadness and-”

“Love” Remus adds, Logan holds back his desperation. 

“I was truly an idiot, I was so focused on not looking like a failure I forgot my true goal. To discover and explore...not destroy” Logan sighs “I wanted to learn, but i let that go and became this”

“You dont wanna...destroy?” Remus cant quite wrap his head around it. 

“No god. I wanted to understand! But i let the success and money get to me. And i lost sight of who I was. You arent a danger...you are a miracle” He smiles ever so slightly. “SOmething I love so much is not worth destroying” He states

“Love?” Remus feels himself relax. 

“So..so much” Logan says

“Hah you're in love with a ghost” Remus teases, Logan sighs with a giggle and a playful eye roll. 

“I still have the machine remus” Logan threatens with a grin. Remus steps back and gasps his collar. 

“How dare thee!” He cries ever so mockingly. “I thought you cared”

“Woe is you” He laughs quickly pulling Remus into a kiss. 

Yeah its weird, but so intriguing. He expected a cold chill but received warmth in Remus’s embrace. 

They canceled the demonstration and gracefully stepped away. Years passed and Logan desperately tried to find a solution, he wanted Remus to stay, to be here in all his physical form. But on a quiet fall night, Remus was sprawled across the couch trying to dunk cheese balls into his mouth. Logan sat at his work bench concocting as he did. Logan had had his doubts over the years, Remus was a ghost. But Remus explained that the longer he was on earth he felt tethered a developed a physical form. He wasn't a human but he wasn't a ghost, almost a third party but he was real. 

But he was fading. 

And Logan worked tirelessly to find out what he could do. He had consulted with Virgil and Patton, two scientists who had done great strides for the world of science. He constantly worked alongside Janus but to no avail. Remus was fading, he would have to go soon. Remus didn't mind, all he tried to do was comfort his partner but Logan, for as smart as he was, was in deep denial. 

But this fall night, as a cheesy treat fell into Remus’s mouth his image flickered. This caught Logans eye from his work. 

“Remus?” He rushed over watching Remus sit up straight. The flickers were slow before they became full glitches and constantly. “No i need more time. Surely.” He could feel his tears coming. 

“Promise me youll find someone? Whos maybe not a farting ghost” Remus shrugs, Logan shakes his head, this wasnt the time for jokes. “Logan you knew this was coming. Also lets be honest, it was weird im a ghost”

“You're not though! You're a tethered!” He cries

“Guess my tether snapped” Remus sighs. He wanted to spend these last few moments in sweet bliss but instead, in true Logann fashion, he was arguing. “Come cuddle me you obnoxious man” He pouts

He knows its a joke but the sadness in Remus’s eyes finally catches up to the scientist. He obliges sitting with Remus. They do cuddle, and Remus finally lets go. His tears are soft and he doesnt think much but he doesnt know whats going to happen next. 

“You should get a dog” He sniffles, Logan laughs dryly stroking the messiest hair he had ever known. “Also Janus totally likes you” Remus wasnt oblivious to the way Janus looked at Logan. But he didn't mind, Logan was his...but he wanted his partner to be happy once he was gone. 

“Perhaps, but let me just...let me mourn alright?” Logan asks

“Fine, but promise me you wont mourn forever, please?” He holds up his pinky, Logan rolls his eyes but promises either way. Remus leans up a tad to kiss Logans cheek. “Lets just sit here ok?” He requests, Logan grants it. “I love you Logie” He knows that only he is allowed to call him such a name. They sit in silence, feeling the heartbeats and warmth. Every intimate move felt so careful. 

“I love you so much” He says after a moment of silence, he awaits a response but looks down to see Remus was no longer there. A small gasp as he takes to his chest. This is what it felt like, so much pain. They never conducted the experiments but as he clutched his heart and sobbed loudly he imagined this was close enough. 

#intrulogical #logan sanders #remus sanders #sanders sides #write #writing #youtube #angst #no happy ending #thomas sanders #fanfic #fic #fanfiction

[https-bkg]

Bakudeku fics to read during quarantine

I would appreciate if you reblogged/liked this if you used it! Please 🥺

Uncompleted:

The Way You Used To Do by edema_ruh

"We're really sorry," his father says, in a teary-eyed, wobbly way. "But your friend, Izuku, he's... He's gone, son."

Katsuki can do nothing but blink up at them for moments that feel like an eternity, eyes darting between both his parents in obvious confusion, disbelief, and, more than anything, indignation.

"What the fuck are you two talking about? The damn nerd is standing right beside you!

During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Stuck in a ghost-like state, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in this state is no one other than Kacchan.

Alternatively: Deku and Kacchan are soulbound.

This fic is my all time favorite bakudeku fic. updates are not too far in between, characterization is PERFECT, bakugou's development, and the LENGTH of this fic is genuinely supreme. I will 100000000% say with my whole heart that this fic is perfect.

Bad At Love by officiallytrash

(abandoned)

Class 1-A is put to the test in one of U.A.'s classes and tests where they face a faux-villain they can't seem to win against. During the two-day fighting, Bakugou noticeably becomes more and more shaken by the faux-villain.

Midoriya wants to help him and to become his good friend once again. Bakugou knows there is more than friendship in his own head but wants to keep Midoriya close, if only to keep him safe. But with jealousy, friendships, and their dreams on the line, they have to get even closer to help the other.

been awhile since I read this since it hasn't updated BUT this fic is amazing with it's characterization. It's realistic and a breath of fresh air.

The Art of Indifference by qye

Bakugou is used to being the center of attention- be it anger, confussion, or fear (mostly fear) everyone always gives him a reaction.

Until all the sudden, Deku doesn't.

What a fucking asshole.

FUNNY!! ANGSTY!! AMAZING. CUTE. IM IN LOVE, AND YOU WILL BE TOO.

The Space Between by Kanae_vR

Holding his expensive camera tightly between his hands, Midoriya Izuku looked up at the once-white letters displayed on the black storefront banner. “The Hard Luck Bar,” he murmured to himself, unsure if he was getting ready to enter or flee.

Amateur photographer Midoriya Izuku is stuck in a rut and desperate for a change of pace. Deep in his city's grimy underbelly, he finds exactly what he's looking for in the form of an underground punk sensation on the verge of their big break, fronted by a foul-mouthed firework of a human being.

Loud, brash and passionate, Izuku may have just found the creative spark he needed, as well as something new to set his soul ablaze.

Craving a rocker!Bakugou fic? Badabing, badaboom. This right here is perfect. In character and beautiful.

the baking prodigy in all-might pajamas by lucyheartfilia

College AU in where angry art major Bakugou Katsuki kind of, sort of falls in love with a cute, green-haired nerd that likes to bake in his all-might pjs at questionable hours of the night.

cutecutecutecutecutecuteCUTE.

Once Again From Better Days by limesicle

Katsuki wakes to find himself reset. It's a time when quirks are just starting, and he only remembers a bit about happened the first time. He remembers enough to know Deku is someone he hurt a lot. He remembers enough to know he had to watch Deku fall. He remembers enough to try to make things better this time.

Achingly beautiful,,, ANGSTY,, in character. Amazing.

Completed

Sink to Swim by cinnabee

“Kacchan, I think we’re supposed to--”

“Supposed to?” Katsuki whirled. “Supposed to? Will you fucking.. Listen to yourself? Shitty Deku, we just woke up in a dungeon and you want to play some villain’s game? Like it’s a goddamn puzzle we can just solve?”

~

As if there's any other choice.

WARNING: dark. very dark. ANGSTY. shit made me sweat. even tho it's dark the beauty of it cannot be missed

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You by Seeress

Stress-release sex was another one of their things. Friends with benefits, it was called. No strings attached. Just a bit (or a lot) of fun under the sheets.

By the time Katsuki noticed, it's been almost 3 months since he last heard from Izuku.

Or

Three years into their friends-with-benefits arrangement, Izuku begins to behave oddly. And Katsuki has difficulty dealing with it.

:/ too sad. heartbreaking. so beautiful.

Kacchan by KyuukaKoinu

Izuku always called Bakugou "Kacchan" growing up. But when peer pressure from others and society get in the way, the two boys grow distant and the nickname is buried. While Katsuki is running away from his emotions, Izuku is stuck trying to figure out how to cope with a broken heart. Kai Chisaki steps in to show the boy a new path. Will Katsuki figure out his own feelings in enough time to save him from the mysterious man?

[Izuku-centric / BakuDeku EndGame / Alt Overdeku ending is the very last chapter!]

Aight listen,, I ain't one for fics with a lot of smut.. but this plot was well-written and very interesting. It grabbed me and didn't let go.

Threads of Fate by hallyu1

It started with a dream—a dream about a prince. Izuku, future Chief of a remote tribe, is a dream-seer. And as he grows he will come to realize that his power is both a gift and a curse. When he meets the prince in his visions—The Dragon King, Bakugou—he must decide which path to follow. Change the future, or embrace the fate he had foreseen?

Will always hold this fic close to my heart. It's gorgeous.

2,645 Miles by mynameis152

Izuku wants so badly to get to the other side of the country without his parents realizing he's missing. He just wants to find out who he is.

Katsuki is desperate to make it to Los Angeles without being caught by the police, desperate to fix his mistakes.

Neither know what to expect, but on a roadtrip across the U.S. involving four fugitives, two oblivious runaways, a high risk crime ring, and a police taskforce, the two will discover that there's more in store for them than what they originally thought.

Who knew country bakugou and country kirishima were so powerful??? I did. I knew this bc of this fic. This fic is genuinely awesome. Definition of awesome.

Dream Sweet in Sea Major by showtiime

The day of the Hero Incident ends much more horribly than anyone could've imagined, but only Izuku knows that. He thinks as long as he forces himself to push through it that he can get over it, but of course, that's not how things go. His mom, friends, teachers, and even his childhood friend-turned-rival take note of his odd behavior and try to help, but he refuses to talk about what really happened. How long and how thin will Bakugou's patience go until Izuku finally confides and accepts the help he needs?

(in this fic, Shigaraki takes more from Izuku than he should've, Katsuki comes with the class that day at the mall, and there are still finals to be taken. Plenty can happen in only five to six weeks.)

Look at the WARNINGS! The way this story is written... I've never been in his situation but I felt it. Absolutely beautiful

Spider’s Web by infectedscrew

When a series of seemingly random attacks all over Musutafu leave civilians and heroes alike Quirkless, Inspector Midoriya is put on the case. Little does he know, he’ll be teaming up with the only person who has come out of an attack unscathed and Quirk intact—Katsuki Bakugo.

One of the first bkdk fics I've ever read and I haven't seen many people rec this so—here you go. It's SOOO good. It's like a movie and it's so well written. Absolute genius.

Leftovers by brichibi

When the rest of the class heads down the reality of the situation sets in — they’re both missing class at the best hero academy in the country, their classmates flat out calling their scuffle stupid.

Izuku still doesn’t feel like it was, though, especially when Uraraka asks the million dollar question:

“Did you two make up?”

That. That’s why that fight felt like it was worth it, even if, technically, Izuku can’t answer her. Have they made up? Is this making up?

He actually doesn’t know.

[Or: the house arrest fic where it is, somehow, more awkward to talk through feelings than it is to fight]

AMAZING AND SOSOSO CUTE. So glad I found this fic after thinking of it for so long. It's the perfectest oneshot ever.

#bakudeku #katsudeku #bakudeku fic #katsudeku fic #fic rec #bakudeku fic rec #katsudeku fic rec #bnha fic rec #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #mha #mha fic rec #my hero academia fanfic #quarantine #stay safe out there #bnha

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok uhhh claia, lukemaryse and malec superhero au headcanons

first of all, id just like to say that i love this new trend of u guys sending me really vague prompts and giving me complete creative freedom to do whatever i want with them. i think it really shows that u trust me to create good, interesting content, and that means a lot to me. second of all, that trust is entirely misplaced. why would you ever think that id make something good. have you met me. what im trying to say here is basically: this is your own fault

behold:

In a world where everyone has a superpower, the world is bound to work a little different. No one knows what determines people's superpowers; some are fairly common (like teleportation, which led to a lot of ppl working as cabs, taking ppl to and from wherever they need) and others are unique and particularly powerful (and also dangerous, which is why particularly powerful people are part of an elite squad dedicated to keep the world safe; our very own superheroes)

Alec's superpower is definitely unique: he can sense trash. That's it. Hes just going around, living his life, sensing trash. He knows when people are littering. He can sense it from a pretty far away distance. Everywhere he goes, he knows where all the trash cans are. His life is just. Him and the trash, everywhere, haunting him

No one's ever heard of this before. Alec's mom, maryse, can bend all four elements, and is part of the Elite Squad; so is his father, although he retired from action and works behind a desk now. His sister izzy has superspeed and was trained to perfect combat in the hopes she would follow their footsteps, but ultimately decided to give it up and become a biologist instead. And Alec. Can sense trash

This was the source of a lot of Family Drama, since alec's parents were pretty strict and held their position as elite superheroes with pride, expecting nothing less from their children. But after many years of trying and failing to somehow make up for it, Alec decided to say fuck them and fully embraced who he is, refusing to live in apology. Once he finally left their house to live on his own, maryse realised he meant wanting to cut them off his life for real, and came around. Robert's lack of understanding was one of the factors that led to their divorce

Alec became an architect and works to build better and efficient waste collection systems in the country. Due to his power, he knows which places need the most infrastructure investment, as well as the problems that lead to the littering. He also knows which companies are illegally discarding their waste and how, the exact effects of that on the environment, and a lot of stuff that would otherwise only be possible through extensive research. He is an activist for both a better public, free, universal waste removal system, and stricter regulations on companies that profit from environmental destruction.

And the thing is, he likes this life. He's passionate about it. Everyday at work he gets to do a little something to make the world better and fight against injustice and use his place of privilege that comes from his education and his so-called "useless" superpower for change. He wouldn't trade it for the world and he's really passionate about what he does, even if it does take up most of his time

So when his mom comes in one day saying that a new villain named Trash Man is going around and killing people and they need his help to track him, Alec is not. amused.

First of all: Trash Man? come on

But he kind of has no choice, since this is top priority at the moment and the very ministery of security is calling him or something - every citizen is required to register their powers so they know exactly when they're needed

So he goes, and for the first time, he meets the rest of his mom's Top Secret team; first of all, there's the leader, Luke: his power is persuasion and hes very good at de-escalating events to guarantee minimal damage and better solutions, making him the most valuable asset of the team. Then there's Maryse, and under them, a team of relatively young, but very powerful, heroes: maia, a shapeshifter; clary, who can summon weapons and is very good at Stabbing; and Magnus, who can bend time and space

Magnus is also kind of the Group Genius; his power also got him an special interest in physics and chemistry, meaning that he is not only able to use his power intelligently and creatively, but effectively enhance it; he's also very good with tech and responsible for a lot of their non-power-related assets. Honestly, he likes that part way better than the crime-fighting blah blah blah, but he kind of has no choice over what he does because he's an orphan and extremely powerful, meaning he's viewed as a threat by the government while simultaneously being dependant on them, and would pretty much have nowhere to turn to if he didnt start working for them

But really, he wants to be a scientist. He wants to do good things. He wants to create stuff that will make people's lives, and the world, better. He doesn't even believe in this whole "crime fighting" shit; he believes in a just world crime would be minimal and using their resources to fight bad guys instead of working on crime prevention is an absolute waste. But it's not like anybody asked for his opinion.

Alec and Magnus immediately hit it off; Alec was kind of tense at first because surely these guys would have the world's hugest chip on their shoulder, right? But instead everyone welcomes him, and Magnus kind of jokes that he envies him, which takes him by surprise

Because Maia and Clary are both Magnus' great friends as well, Alec also gets closer to them; Clary can be a little self-centered and annoying, but she's cool and Maia always calls her out on it. Maia is a fierce, amazing, smart girl and Alec can totally see why she and Magnus are so close, with their similar sense of humor, shared experiences (Maia is not an orphan but she ran away from home when she was pretty young), and gleaming, almost mischievous intelligence and talent. Alec can hold a conversation with them alright, since as an architect he needs quite some knowledge of physics and as an activist he can also hold pretty good and deep conversations with them about the system and its flawed, unjust logic; but there are some topics they get into that just kind of escalate and seem to get them in their own little world. Alec finds himself watching from the sidelines sometimes, and while he admires that - and doesnt miss the way clary will sometimes sit beside him and watch them as well, a small smile on her face that tells him everything he needs to know - he finds himself... a little upset by it, too

Not that he has a problem with them, but he finds himself wanting to feel like he belongs, and that's kind of- new. It's not like his life is a sad wet sock of loneliness or anything, he has his sister, he has some friends, but he's a private kind of guy and he finds himself more comfortable at the sidelines than the spotlight, except when it comes to his work, because hes good at that

It's just his luck, then, that Trash Man turns out to be really smart and hard to track due to [vague plot noises], giving him all the time he needs to, well, figure this out

So he spends more time with them, particularly Magnus. The both of them will sometimes sit talking for hours, and soon learn a lot about each other. Magnus listens, enraptured, whenever Alec goes on a passionate Trash Rant™ and Alec is always in awe by Magnus' smart solutions. They begin some sort of camraderie that's also laced with Magnus' oh-so-smooth flirting, which started strong and eventually died out as Magnus began to realize he really liked Alec and his usual confidence and devil-may-care attitude vanished. But Alec mistakes this as Magnus losing interest or him seeing things. Cue lots of mutual pining

At least once Alec gets thrown through a wall by some villain; but, little did he know, it wasnt just a normal wall that he broke; it was the fourth wall. Alec looks straight into the reader's eyes, and goes: "I can sense trash. That's why, in this AU, i was never friends with jace". Then Magnus comes in and takes him back to the other side of the wall, and Alec blinks, confused, not remembering what had just happened. This is never mentioned again

Idk theres some gay shit in here, Alec introduces Magnus to Izzy and Magnus is absolutely in awe with her work. Izzy specializes in pollinators and works trying to restore the bee population and guarantee a more sustainable environment. Her work crosses with Alec's a surprising amount of times, and Magnus, who loves both animals and the incredible amount of knowledge her research requires, and they become super good friends almost immediately, which makes Alec very pleased.

More gay shit, Alec and Magnus decide to team up to try and get Clary and Maia together, only to be knocked sideways when they find out they're already dating. Maryse is like "do the four of you ever work" and Alec is hit with the realisation that his mom, too, kind of lives in the sidelines when it comes to things that arent work; luke seems to be kind of the mediator between her and the rest of the team, which is kind of sad. She does seem to have a good relationship with Luke, tho

Eventually they defeat Trash Man and Alec is no longer required to work for them and can go back to his trash activism; and when he does, so does Magnus, who is invited to work with izzy's team, which he gladly accepts

Somehow Alec confesses? And Magnus is in awe because he of course never expected Alec to like him back but. It turns out Alec is the most confident out of the two of them despite their exterior telling most people otherwise. And Magnus just says that yes he likes him back and will go out with him and they kiss passionately in the middle of the lab surrounded by bees but there are also flowers so theres that. And then they get married. I mean not right after but some years later

Magnus leaving inspires the rest of them, in some ways; Maia, Luke and Maryse start actually fighting to change the crime fighting policies to investment in crime prevention because new supervillains will always keep coming. The romantic tension between them finally snaps and they start going out. Maryse seems like such a different person now, more open and happier. Alec is pleased

They save the bees and the trash and the impending environmental apocalypse that looms over us is avoided idk that's all Ive got

Again this is your fault

The end

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #sh crack #sorta #sh au #fic #alec lightwood #magnus bane #izzy lightwood #maryse lightwood #luke garroway #clary fray #clary fairchild #maia roberts #malec #lukemaryse #claia #lightwood siblings #overflowing trashcan #malec au #claia au #long post

[mvlcnes]

hey what’s good hunnies, i’m rollin up late but uh !!  my name’s maia, 25 y/o living it up it up in the ast part of the world and uh listen i don’t have discord bc i’m a literal grandma when it comes to keeping up with all the new means of being social lmao so if you would like to chat and/or plot?? just shoot me an im on here — i’m usually always mobile & i obviously love to talk a lot !  and i’m a heaux for dramatic / angst-fuelled plots .. just a little fyi … i’m excited !! so anyway !!!  onto the Idiot of the Hour you’re actually here to read about; my darling malone. i have a pinterest board for him  HERE  , a playlist for him  HERE  , his stats page set up  HERE  , and a connections page  HERE  which as you can see is bare as all hell so let’s plot !

i think i just saw  MALONE SINCLAIR  looking down at their phone in the middle of lecture hall . i wonder if they think that will help them get through their  BIOLOGY  major . i’m sure professor baker doesn’t mind , though , especially since  MAL  can be so  + BODACIOUS . then again ,  HE  can be a little  - EVASIVE , so maybe prof b will mind after all . what do you think is catching their attention all of a sudden ? surely it can’t be more pictures of  LUXURY CARS . hey , you know , sometimes they really remind me of  BOYISH CHARM AMPLIFIED BY A ROGUISH GRIN, SPARSELY SCARRED FINGERS CLAD IN GOLD RINGS, THE LINGERING SCENT OF CLIVE CHRISTIAN NO. 1 , but maybe that’s just me . oh well . i hope their  FOURTH  year is treating them well !

INSPIRATIONS

chad radwell ( scream queens ) 

chuck bass ( gossip girl )

reggie mantle ( riverdale / comics )

sebastian valmont ( cruel intentions )

BACKSTORY

okay so homeboy here has had it pretty easy his entire life. his dad works relentlessly as chief of neurosurgery in lower manhattan and his step-mom had worked as a prestigious legal practitioner; one of the most sought out lawyers in the state, and later, a socialite. like the infamous philosopher dr justin roberts once said: “six figures, i was only four”, malone was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. while most would assume he’s a straight up trust fund punk, though, he inherited his father’s impeccable work ethic to a fault.

as an only child and therefore sole heir to the sinclair estate, his parents have been on mal’s ass his entire life to give his absolute best in everything he does. health, school, sports, friendships, relationships, the whole shebang. his marks were always near the top of his class, he excelled at his two favourite sports; hockey during the winter, baseball during the summer. but it wasn’t until he hit his mid adolescent years, started developing an interest in girls ( whom he once thought were riddled with cooties ), that his focus faltered a wee bit and good lil o’malley boy started being a teenager.

embracing his lavish lifestyle and all the popularity / opportunities it handed him on a silver platter basically, mal was ho-ing himself around, partying it up with the elite crowd, earning himself a pretty risque rep among his peers. it wasn’t until he met his first actual serious girlfriend that he did his best to tone it tf down. and it worked, for awhile. but !! of course he fucked it all up and even though what’s done is done, he has big regrets. BIG regrets. mainly bc girl went absolutely wild and took a baseball bat to his ferrari yikes.

after graduating high school with exemplary marks, instead of taking the opportunity to potentially thrive in the big leagues of the sports world, malone opted to stick to his roots, following in his dad’s footsteps. he got accepted into powell as a pre-med student, studying all the biological sciences, and is finally finishing off his last year as a bonafide senior. his next big plan is to attend harvard to earn his medical degree and get the ball rollin.

FUN FACTS

pitcher for the university’s baseball team, his absolute favourite hobby

future doc in the works, he’s proudly maintaining a 4.0 gpa

distinguishing labels: the casanova, the playboy, the philanthropist

money is no object to him. will relentlessly spoil his current conquests

the second a girl tries to get serious, he ghosts & moves onto the next

fancy social events are his element but he also loves letting loose 

big partier. has gotten mixed up in cocaine & hard liquor many times

his family own several luxury cars, a yacht, have their own private jet

contributes to charitable causes 24/7 but he’s a lowkey narcissist oops 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

1) ok so uh he obviously needs his boy(s), 1 or 2 who he’s pretty close with. they travelled together, were each others’ wingmen at one time or another, always have each others’ backs through thick & thin. 

2) he need him some fwb / hook up type deals, whether they be a regular occurrence or a one time thing. if you’re bored with your man or need help getting back at an ex? that’s his specialty hit him up. 

3) while on that note, maybe a fella who’s shown interest in him & mal’s hit on them while drunk?? nothing too serious, just a lil harmless curiosity. maybe they kissed / made out on a dare or some shit at a wild frat party.

4) ex gfs!! i don’t see him having like… a fuckton of exes bc he tries to stay away from relationships but probably anywhere between 1-3?? whether they be on good terms, bad terms, lingering feelings, etc. i’m cool with whatever. 

5) maybe somebody he tutored?? bc while he gives off mad Big Dick energy and tends to think with that head lmao, mal is actually very intelligent. 

6) how about some enemies tho. like… idk man i’m SURE there are ppl he rubs the wrong way bc he’s kind of narcissistic lmao. or maybe they think he’s fake. or maybe there’s some sports rivalry or classic case of polar opposites or he broke ur bff’s heart?? the possibilities are endless.

#powellhqs.intro #drugs tw #pauly d vc: i love shit intros this time a yeAR!!!!!

[kwackdoctor]

Progress Note #2: How to love yourself

Today, for the nth time, I have googled “how to love myself”. It’s that time of the month, I think, that I get depressive thoughts, suicidical really, but I still try to fight for myself and try to save me. Just a little background, when I was in high school, I had suicidal notes – plans to kill myself, notes of goodbyes to my parents. To this day, I still remember the look of hurt of my mother when she read it. She was hurt, betrayed and scared at the same time. Right there I realized that my problems wont go away along with me, it will stay with the people left behind. So at that moment, I promised whenever these thoughts visit, and they often do, that I will fight for myself. A bit ironic, isn’t it? Negating the thoughts of killing myself. But it really happens, you really cant control these thoughts. I have thought about getting professional help, but I think im not ready to scare my parents again. So im doing a “self-help”. So while I was researching, I came about a website by marc and angel and they list down a few tips on how to love yourself. So today, I will try to do that.

“because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections”

it seem so easy. I mean, I love myself. But do I really KNOW myself for me to love it?

I was making plans with my best friend, telling him our plans of travelling together when this academic thing is over. I was telling him of not getting married early because I was scared of being alone. When his replied shocked me, he said, “Learn to love your company, be your own bestfriend”. GUYS. My own bestfriend, telling me to be my own bestfriend. Was he trying to break up with me? But it hit me hard. I SHOULD REALLY LOVE MYSELF. But how?

“We have to learn to be our own best friends beciase sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.”

Start telling yourself what you love about yourself.

Well, this is hard. You know what’s easy? Telling myself what I hate about myself. But let’s try this exercise. I have watched a series wherein they also did this but they only listed 5 things, so I will try that.

I love my height

I love my cheerful and optimistic side (even though it is tiring sometimes)

I love how I can make people laugh

I love my kilay

I love my dimples

Be one with what is

It says in the website, “ giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self”. Well, that’s easy. I am not perfect. I know that. Again, I can list all of my imperfections in 10 minutes unlike exercise 1 which took my 30 minutes to list 5 things. face palm

but being one with what is, it’s kind of difficult to understand. Being okay with yourself. Isn’t that settling? Isn’t that going below average? But maybe I am the average and being myself is okay. Well, we will update on this because I am also confused on the matter HAHA

Focus less on winning the approval of others

Okay, this is difficult. We live in a world where every aspect of your life is posted on social media. Every event in your daily, mundane life is recorded. How the hell do you stop trying to get approval of others? Whenever I post something, someone is always there to comment – be it bad or good. Maybe I should get a social media hiatus, right?

“Your time on this planet is precious:

“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it”

“Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live”

Sooooo, if I sleep all day, what does that make me? Still important. I think I shouldn’t be bothered by what people think about my itinerary. I will do whatever makes me happy. #sleepislife

Distance yourself from those who bring you down

Wait, what if I don’t know those people? Should I know them?

“Being in a relationship is better than being in a wrong one” – OH SNAP, that hit me. I have been with this guy for a long time now (hello 7 years), and I still don’t see any progress with our relationship. Should I see progress? But I still don’t have the guts to let him go. I still love him. But in most times, we just aren’t in sync. I don’t know what to do with it, though.

“Know your worth” – still trying, I am so sorry.

“Quality over quantity” – ah, this I have done right. I think. But sometimes, I still feel like I was choosen last. You know those scenes in the movie, where the captain chooses their team mate? I always feel like I was the last one choosen. Maybe because they have been together longest? Or maybe because I don’t speak the language? Or maybe because of who I am as a person. But I don’t really blame them, I guess it’s my fault.

Forgive your past self.

I’m not so sure about this. I don’t really have a past to forgive on. Or do i?

(I just realized how long this list is, so I will try to be more concise)

Start making the changes you know you need to make

WHAT CHANGES?

“Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever” – this is him again. I think. But but but, he still makes me happy. Sometimes. Yea, im stupid that way.

Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet

This looks fun. “Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all”

Well, the thing is, I keep making the wrong decisions.

Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now.

I am very grateful with what I have right now. I know there are a lot of people less fortunate that I am, and I am very much grateful for what I have. But sometimes, I really can’t control my jealous type. They have like this, they go to this, and whatever. But I keep telling myself that what I have now is more than enough and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s an everyday struggle, but I know what I have.

I have always thought that I could get anything I want as long as I put my mind to it. But there are things that I really can’t have. That makes me angry and want to throw a tantrum but I realize that I am too old for that sht. I have to learn to accept these things, however hard it seems.

“There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in conttol of the way you look at life.”

I will accept these things.

No matter how hard it is.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, so man up, self!

Do something every day that makes you happy

What if nothing makes me happy anymore?

“Life is short”

“Invest in the activities you deeply care about”

“You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others”

I really need to get a hobby. Any suggestions?

Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunites

But how?

Hobbies. Interests. What.

Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything

Now, this is what this blog is all about. Being honest with myself. You see, I haven’t been honest with a lot of people in my life. I told lies to be interesting. I had to keep up with it. But then I realized, I don’t really have to do that. Fuck what people say, this is me. If you don’t love me, then leave. (I hope I am this confident in real life).

“Confidence comes from knowing that what youre doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU”

Believe in your abilities.

Focus in writing your story, instead of reading, watching, and hearing about everyone else’s

I feel like I have been doing this at some point of my life. I guess, my life was so boring I had to make it a bit interesting by watching others. But I realized again, that this was wrong.

Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it

This is what I am also practicing. Being in the present. Maybe because of my work that I have missed a lot of stuff happening in my loved one’s lives, but now I will try to be there. To be present. I used to ask myself whenever someone invites me, “what will I do there”. Today, I will answer myself with “Just be there, be present.”

Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all

I guess what’s good about me is that I don’t take it all seriously. Most of my friends can attest that. But I guess there are certain aspect in life that you should take seriously. Differentiating them is the lesson life gives you.

“people with good sense of humor have a better sense of life” REALLY NOW

Lastly, (thank God), Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too

Heh, this is hard. I have been known to be maldita and judgemental. How do I stop?

“people who love themselves come across as very caring, generous, and kind to others too”

so today, I will try to be loving and caring. It is hard. But I will really try to go out of my way to do this. I hope everyone does, to make this life a better place.

Parting thoughts: Start looking at yourself more. Notice yourself more. Eventually, you’ll realize you love yourself more. You have nothing else, but yourself, so you really don’t have a choice. I know I will do the same. This will be my self-help blog for loving myself. I will keep you posted on my “progress”, if there’s any.

Cheerios.

#tldr #longpost #howtoloveyourself #love #yourself #selflove #medical #medicalstudent #blog #progress #progressnotes #learningtolove

[enricodandolo]

Amfortas! Die Wunde

Die Wunde sah ich bluten, nun blutet sie in mir! Hier - hier! Nein! Nein! Nicht die Wunde ist es. Fließe ihr Blut in Strömen dahin! Hier! Hier im Herzen der Brand! Das Sehnen, das furchtbare Sehnen, das alle Sinne mir fasst und zwingt! Oh! - Qual der Liebe! Wie alles schauert, bebt und zuckt in sündigem Verlangen!

 I saw the wound  bleeding: now it bleeds in me! Here – here! No, no! It is not the  wound. Flow in streams, my  blood, from it! Here! Here in my heart  is the flame! The longing, the terrible longing which seizes and grips  all my senses! O torment of love! How all trembles, quakes,  and quivers in sinful desire!

 (R. Wagner, Parsifal,  act II)

  Marian had always known she was broken.

The Beast had been there, burrowing inside her heart, as long as she could recall. Always there, hideous to behold, a demon of her very own. She could hear its whispers when her eyes slipped, soft and comforting to the drumroll of her heart. She could feel it tugging at her insides, dragging out her every organ until she was a hollow vessel for its awful desire. She could feel it burning away at her, searing sweet and hot inside her nethers whenever skin brushed innocently against skin.

It had always been there, a parasite bent on controlling her, on making her its creature, as vile and abhorrent as the Beast itself. And every day, she did battle with it.

She wasn’t winning the war. But she hadn’t lost a battle yet, and that was all that mattered.

When she first learned of the Beast, she’d been a kindergartener. She doesn’t remember how, exactly—she remembers autumn sunlight warm in her hair, colourful crayons. Just quietly drawing, humming to herself, for once giving the teacher some peace. She must have worked on that drawing a long time, she remembers that—remembers her pride when she showed it to the teacher, the two pretty brides in white gowns, smiling hand in hand.

The teacher had laughed, quietly to herself, and gone to her knee. Told her that it was a very sweet painting, but it wasn’t quite right, was it? Perhaps she’d like to add a nice groom for each of them, a handsome prince? She’d understand once she got older.

So by the time mother picked her up that day, little Marian had scrunched up the drawing and thrown it away.

  She doesn’t remember the names of her friends at elementary school, but she does remember the looks they gave her. She’s not sure how it started, or when—only knows that they, too, had noticed the Beast, and were afraid of it. She remembers the frowns, then the mocking comments, the snide jokes. You’re such a weirdo, Marian. She laughed it off, all of it, and made sure the comments stopped. There was no language ten-year-old boys understood as well as a sliver of a ten-year-old girl biting, scratching and kicking. What she lacked in size, she more than made up for in viciousness.

Sometimes, even years later, the teasing would return—some chance gesture, some overly intense look, some ill-considered choice of words, the Beast churning within her. This is so you, Marian. Part of her wanted to scream, no, no, it wasn’t, she was fine and normal. Instead, she smiled, and laughed it off, and changed the subject, while inside her the Beast chuckled.

  Her first boyfriend—Devan? Dennan? something like that—was a sweet kid. They were twelve, maybe thirteen, and they were on the school football team together. Marian barely remembers his face, but she does remember a shock of hair the colour of an overripe carrot. She’d caught him staring at her, turning red whenever she noticed, and one day he’d stammered out something about getting burgers to her boots.

She froze.

There was no word for the nausea that came over her in the long seconds that followed. The Beast roared. Every fibre of her being screamed for her to run, to fight.

She bit her tongue and said yes.

  After Dennan (Devan?) there was Maric, and Aydin, and Huon, and—she doesn’t remember. They pass by in a blur in her memories, none lasting longer than a couple months—her mother took to referring to them as “interchangeable Edwins” at some point. She could not give them what they want, try as she might.

She did get better, though, training herself to accept their affections. When they tried to kiss her, she no longer recoiled. One of them—she can’t quite recall his name—she let fuck her. A few minutes of staring up at the ceiling while he pumped away at her, hands here, mouth there, penis there again. I’m enjoying this, she told herself, a mantra to drown out the Beast.

She’d close her eyes, and the boys before or inside her would change, soften, sweeten, and every time the Beast would drive her closer towards the edge before she could tear open her eyes, gasp out, reassert herself. I’m enjoying this. This is normal. Then why did she hate herself so?

  She could not deny the effects the Beast had on her body, but she’d be damned (literally) if she didn’t fight them.

By the time she was sixteen, Marian had self-discipline down to a science. She played in three sports teams after school. In between training sessions, she ran, for hours at a time with no regard for storm or strain. The exertion numbed her senses, burnt away whatever energy she might otherwise have spent self-abusing, or worse. When that wasn’t enough, she drank, smoked, had sex—whatever it took to distract herself, to keep the Beast in check for another hour. She wasn’t quite flogging herself like a penitent Chantry sister, but she’d developed a habit of subtly digging her nails into her skin or scratching herself whenever she caught herself paying tribute to the Beast within her. The pain usually dispelled whatever foul notions it had implanted in her before long.

Besides, a little blood was a small price to pay.

  She had never believed in the Maker’s grace. What kind of benevolent god would make her like this, broken from the start, and make her live with these desires?

And yet, in the dark of night, when she sank her teeth into her pillow to keep from screaming out, she prayed. Prayed for strength to fight the Beast, prayed for release, prayed for death.

  She didn’t wait for the recruiting officer’s sales pitch before asking for the enlistment papers. It was her seventeenth birthday.

Explaining her decision was the hardest thing she’d ever done, and it took her weeks until she finally confessed what she had done. She knelt in the study, mumbling something unsatisfactory, watching the tears and trying not to break down herself. It was the eve of father’s funeral.

She tried to make excuses, but of course she couldn’t take this away from them. None of them deserved this, it wasn’t their fault she was broken. They accompanied her to the station. She was in tears, and Marian wanted nothing more than to give in to the Beast right there and then.

She had to get away from her, she reminded herself. That was all that mattered. She smiled, waved, and got on the train.

  Ostagar is madness, a conflagration of waking nightmares. The tastes of blood, vomit and mud, the smells of gore, decay and taint—all blend together in her memories. For the first time in her life, though, her dreams are, if not pleasant, at least free of the Beast’s illusions. She dreams of her still, she suspects she always will, but it is the darkspawn disease that now distorts her dream-image, not Marian’s own horrid hunger.

She tries to imagine her own fall, struck down by a tainted musket ball or blade. She doesn’t much care for king and country, but she can’t think of anything sweeter and more fitting than to die for her despite the Beast.

  She does not get her wish. When the line collapses, she flees north, possessed only by the atavistic urge to protect what is (not, never can be) hers. The moment she sees her again, the Beast she thought defeated is back, and when she embraces her, she can scarce tear herself away again. Templars and demons, soldiers and darkspawn—none of it matters for those few, blissful moments that would earn her hatred and revulsion on top of everlasting damnation if the Beast had its way.

She is warm, and firm. There is nothing they cannot do.

  Ringing in her ears.

Lead. Iron. Gun oil under her fingernails, mixing with blood.

Grey sky, grey land, grey ogre speckled red.

Her ears—

She stumbles over, like one who walks across a room in a shuttered house naked and unwatched. She kneels.

She stares blankly. Takes her hand. Cold. She wants to kiss her even now.

The Beast chuckles darkly. Tip of the hat, bow and curtain. It departs. She has won. She is free.

“… Bethany?”

  Nun banne das Bangen, holder Tod, sehnend verlangter Liebestod! In deinen Armen, dir geweiht, urheilig Erwarmen, von Erwachens Not befreit!

 Now banish dread, sweet death, yearned for, longed for death-in-love! In your arms, consecrated to you, sacred elemental quickening force, free from the peril of waking! 

(R. Wagner, Tristan und Isolde, act II)

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #da2 #f!Hawke #bethany hawke #richard wagner #parsifal #tristan und isolde #hawkecest #fanfic

[shxtteredmemories]

Control

Summary: In which Luciel loves Spark, Zapdos hates Luciel, and Spark isn't sure how to feel.

W: Zapdos being a piece of shit, Spark's dumb nicknames for his Pokemon, some mentions of violence and definite mentions of blood and wounds (not really in detail tho, but just in case).

Authors Note: i got an idea and im sorry i had it

"Spark! So good to see you again, I was hoping I'd run into you here!" Luciel called, grinning widely as he opened his arms.

After a moment of standing there like an idiot, he sighed, shaking his head, "no, that's too friendly. He knows I'm not that excited about things."

He paced, tapping his chin as he contemplated. Various forms of greetings entered his mind, but as the more he played them out, the worse they seemed.

"Hey, Spark, good to see you," he tried as he came to stand in front of the full-length mirror hanging on the back of his door. He smacked his head, "I have sound like I'm happy to see him."

Rubbing a hand over his face, he let out a frustrated groan. His shoulders slumped as he dropped his hands to his sides, meeting his own gaze in the mirror. "Spark! I'm so happy to see you! I love- no, i mean! I'd love to talk with- oh Arceus, I can't even get it right when I'm playing it out alone."

"Well, I guess if I can't get it right, then why should I bother meeting him?" Luciel flopped backward onto the beanbag chair in the corner beside his closet door, huffing childishly with arms crossed over his chest. He didn't get to pout for long before his phone rung. He hesitantly checked it, paling at the caller ID. Reluctantly, he accepted the call and was about to rattle out the normal greeting before he was interrupted.

"Did you know birds always go for prey smaller than them?"

Luciel paled, recognising the voice almost immediately, "... No? That's... uh... interesting."

"They typically strike them with a clenched foot, stunning or killing them on impact."

"I did not know that," Luciel almost dropped his phone while trying to wipe the sweat from his palms, deciding to hold it against his shoulder when he'd caught it.

"Then they turn to catch it in mid-air," the voice continued, seeming amused in how it spoke.

"Za-"

"Larger bird Pokemon may even feed on the chicks of other bird Pokemon."

"Zapdos."

"If the prey is too heavy, they will often-"

"Zapdos," Luciel emphasised, almost yelled into the phone, "please stop."

"I'm just saying, isn't that-"

"Interesting, yes," Luciel cut him off, earning a growl from the other side of the phone, "but nothing you will say can scare me enough to keep me away from Spark."

"If I wanted you scared you would-"

"Goodbye, Zapdos," Luciel pulled the phone away from his ear, hitting the end call button. He took a moment to relax in the bean bag he was sitting on, sinking further into its welcoming embrace. Panic ran through his mind, but he tried to keep himself calm and from having a panic attack. He couldn't begin to count how many times he'd had to deal with that stupid bird keeping Spark at an arm's length; five? Maybe even six or seven times? One or two was enough, but as much as that? What did Zapdos have against him, anyway?

"Stupid fucking bird," he swore, closing his eyes and dropping his arm over his face. He remained like that for awhile, almost dozing off before he was jolted awake by his phone ringing again. Thankfully, when it checked it, it was only a text message from one of his friends back in Alola, Moon.

[Text Received] - How's the friend thing going?

[Text Sent] - Good. Yep. Totally great.

[Text Received] - What happened?

[Text Sent] - His Pokemon hates my guts.

[Text Received] - Oh, shit. What are you gonna do?

[Text Sent] - Try not to get electrocuted.

[Text Received] - You're gonna die.

[Text Sent] - Thanks for your help in my time of need.

[Text Received] - 👍👍👍

Luciel groaned, discarding his phone onto the floor beside himself. Almost as soon as he sat the phone down, he realised something. Quickly snatching it back up, he didn't even bother checking the time before he hurried out of his apartment, grabbing his keys on the way out. The door slammed shut behind him, but he hardly heard it as he hurried down the stairs and out the front door. 'I'm so fucking laaateeee,' he thought frantically, sprinting down the street; maybe if he ran, he could make it before Spark even realised he never showed up.

"Oof!" He stumbled, closing his eyes and bracing himself for impact that... never really came.

"Whoa! You alright?" That voice...

"Spark!" Luciel opened his eyes immediately, beaming widely with a hint of red tinting his cheeks, "oh my Arceus, I'm sorry for being late."

"You're not that late," Spark laughed, helping him back to his feet, "I probably would've been late if that battle had kept me any longer."

Luciel took a moment to gather himself and keep himself upright, leaning on Spark's arm until he felt he could stand on his own. He blinked, having to take a moment to contemplate his response, which left an awkward silence to fill the gaps in their conversation.

"Oh, sorry I- My mind's really occupied," he apologised when he noticed, rubbing the back of his head, "so- you had a battle?"

"Yeah, it's my obligation as a team leader to take on challenges at the gyms every so often," Spark explained, gesturing for Luciel to follow him as he made his way inside the cafe they'd decided to meet at.

Luciel bounced along beside him as they walked to their table, seated by one of the waitresses who seemed all too friendly - in his opinion at least. If Spark noticed, then he didn't say anything about it. "Sounds fun," he said as he propped himself against the table using his elbow.

"Yeah! It's actually all sorts of fun," Spark smiled gleefully, picking up one of the menus to look it over, "all sorts of trainers of different skill levels come on in and decide they're ready for a battle; I'm not even ashamed to admit that some of them have beaten me before."

"You've actually lost to some of them?" Luciel blinked, a little bewildered at first. Eventually, he went to browse his own menu, mentally checking off some things he thought were interesting. After that conversation with Zapdos earlier, food didn't sound that appealing, so he avoided the sandwiches and salads section as much as humanly possible.

"Some are wickedly strong!" Spark exclaimed, nearly startling the people in the booth behind him. He muttered a quick apology before he turned back to Luciel, "yeah, some of them are just... way too skilled."

"Forgive me if I'm a little surprised," Luciel snorted, "I'm just not used to hearing you lose at anything. You used to always be good at everything when we were growing up."

"Guess I didn't get better with age, huh?" Spark teased, a placid smile on his features.

Luciel flushed a little, burying himself back in his menu, "if it makes you feel any better, I probably just got worse with age."

A look of disbelief crossed Spark's features as he reached over and snagged the menu out of Luciel's hands, "no way! I bet you got a lot better!"

Startled, Luciel sat back quickly against the booth, blinking a few times to get a grip on his bearings. He looked at Spark with a bewildered expression, then shrugged when he finally registered what he'd said, "I dunno. I haven't battled in forever; the best I've done is training, so... y'know, no real battle experience."

Spark set the menus down, leaning forward with his head tilted a little. He inspected Luciel for a bit before he sighed, "you've gotten better at lying... But!" He suddenly grinned, slamming his hands quietly against the table, "I can still read you like an open book!"

Luciel was about to protest before the waitress came by to collect their orders. Realising he didn't decide what he wanted, he simply ordered a cup of coffee; his order was almost... pathetic in comparison to what Spark ordered. When did he start liking coffee so much?

When the waitress left, Spark turned back to Luciel with the same stupid dumb calm smile on his face, "you know what we should do?"

"No?" Luciel raised a brow, confused at Spark's intentions as he leaned back against the table, only moving closer when Spark made a gesture for him to.

"We should battle," he whispered, like it was some kind of secret, "just to see who's better."  Maybe he noticed that the other patrons of the cafe were getting a little antsy due to him having so many outbursts at once?

Luciel laughed something sarcastic and pure at the same time - how is that even possible? - as he eyed Spark with a competitive glare, "only if you're up for it. From the sounds of it, that last battle really wore you out."

Spark's smile morphed into a grin, teeth showing as he met Luciel's glare with one of his own, "we'll see about that won't we?"

"Oh, it is on, Mr. 'I can totally take on anyone or anything'," Luciel snarked, grinning his own little grin when Spark pouted and huffed.

And that was how lunch ended up going. They sat and talked, occasionally joked around, and otherwise just enjoyed each other's company. Much to his surprise, too, Spark even came up with a time and place for their battle to happen, much to Luciel's relief; there was no way he would be able to think of a time where both of them were free. Of course, it ended up taking Spark several chances to figure out the right day, but he managed after the third or fourth.

As they were exiting the cafe, arm and arm and still laughing about a cheesy joke one of them said, Luciel noticed the air around them began to change. The air on his arms began to stand on end and he looked up to Spark to see if he had noticed it too, only to be met with not blue eyes that belonged to his friend, but brilliant, electric yellow that belonged to none other than...

"Zapdos."

"Human."

"What do you want?" Luciel asked as he pried himself away from the Pokemon controlling Spark, arms crossing over his chest.

"I'm making sure you don't get too close to my bonded. What made you think I wanted anything to do with you?" Zapdos mimicked Luciel's stance, almost as if he were mocking him.

"I was already close to your bonded before you came around," Luciel retaliated, his expression changing to match his words; he glared up at Zapdos with his lips drawn back, almost as if he were about to bite if provoked.

"And then you left him," Zapdos replied, looking disinterested in Luciel's non-threatening expression. If he were anything else, he might've felt something toward it, but being who he was, he felt next to nothing.

"That wasn't my fault!" Luciel shouted, dropping his arms to his sides, fists clenched. His jaw and shoulders tensed, hands shaking with how tightly he was clenching them.

"And you didn't come back for... what was it, seven years? Maybe more?"

Luciel inhaled, holding his breath. He closed his eyes, counting to ten in his mind before he exhaled a deep sigh. He stepped forward, much to Zapdos' surprise, jabbing a finger in his chest. "You have no idea what I had to do to get back here and I will not have some overgrown fearow get between me and the only friend I've kept since my childhood. Do you understand me?"

Zapdos was taken aback, shocked for a moment before he leaned forward to match Luciel's intense stance with one of his own, eyes narrowed and teeth bared. "You will not come anywhere near my bonded ever again or I will make sure that you learn the difference between me and a fearow."

Frustrated, Luciel relented, turning away and rubbing his hands over his face. In an attempt to prevent himself from crying, - angry crying at that - he simply marched off with his attention wandering to other things. Apparently, Zapdos was rather thankful as he let out a discontented noise of his own.

Several weeks later, Luciel was peering at his phone, waiting for text messages that wouldn't come and phone calls he couldn't make on his own. Instead of focusing them, he'd been putting more time into his battle studies; if he could strengthen his Pokemon as much as he could strengthen himself, then maybe Zapdos would see him as 'worthy' or whatever the equivalent would've been. However, during a much needed break, he decided to catch up on some messages from a few days ago that he didn't reply to. One in particular, Moon's, had caught his attention, but he was simply too emotional to reply to it earlier.

[Text Received] - You alright? Haven't heard from you in a few days.

[Text Sent] - No, not really. I'm having friend troubles

[Text Received] - His Pokemon still hates you?

[Text Sent] - Yeah, pretty much.

[Text Received] - Well. It could be worse, right?

[Text Sent] - No, not really. I don't think that's possible.

[Text Received] - You're always so pessimistic.

[Text Sent] - Someone has to be, right?

[Text Received] - Whatever. What's the plan?

[Text Sent] - Sulk and cry?

[Text Received] - I swear to Arceus if you don't get out there and get your friend back, I'll personally come over there and hook you too up.

[Text Sent] - Please don't.

[Text Received] - Then get going! You only live one life, so make it count.

[Text Sent] - There are some people who would disagree.

[Text Received] - Ugh. Just go and get your man.

[Text Sent] - I'm trying.

He left it at that, pocketing his phone and going to check on his Pokemon. The lot of them were all slumped in different areas of the clearing, enjoying varying degrees of shade. He chuckled, grabbing his backpack from beside his Lycanroc Midnight, beginning to dig around in it for the berries and other treats he'd brought along.

"Come on, you guys, treat time!" He called, immediately catching attention. Lycanroc and his Alolan Ninetales, Apath and Cyn, were the first in line due to being closest while the more sluggish Pokemon lazed around in the back until their turns came up.

As soon as everyone had gotten a couple treats, Luciel set his backpack back down and moved to sit near the small stream that flowed just at the edge of the clearing. He settled down on a rock beside it, dabbing his face with a towel he'd procured from his pack.

However, his Mightyena, Nihil, had made his way over and plopped down beside him, happily chewing on his Oran berry.

"Hey," Luciel greeted, reaching over to scratch behind his ears. He wasn't surprised when Nihil mostly ignored him, save for the thump of a tail that Luciel barely registered. He opened his mouth to say something else before a voice alerted him.

"Luciel!" Spark.

Luciel sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He petted along Nihil's back when his started to growl lowly, something of a warning. After taking a deep breath, Luciel put on a fake smile and turned to face Spark, looking over his shoulder, "Hey! Fancy seeing you out here."

"Yeah, I was about to say the same," Spark grinned, taking a seat beside Luciel. His Pikachu, who had taken up residence on his shoulder, peered curiously at Luciel, making Spark nudge him and comment in a teasing tone, "stop staring, it's rude!"

"Nah, he's fine," Luciel reached his hand out to the Pikachu, blinking when he took Luciel's hand in both of his paws and shook it. Marvelling at the Pokemon, he stared for a few silent, brief moments. "Oh my god, he's so cute," Luciel put the hand to his mouth in shock.

"Who? Updog?" Spark blinked, looking at the Pikachu from the corner of his eye. He frowned when he noticed the arrogant expression on his Pokemon's face.

Luciel snickered, holding his arms out for Updog to hop into, which he did so happily, curling up into a ball. "I love him, but... the name? Spark, please."

"What? It's a good name!" Spark protested, pouting. He watched as Updog made himself comfortable in Luciel's arms, sticking out his tongue in Spark's direction. Spark sent him a glare, muttering, "why are you like this?"

"I bet you only named him that to get people to play along with your stupid joke," Luciel teased, scratching lightly at Updog's stomach. He smiled at the pleased noises the Pikachu made, responding by cooing at him as if Updog were a baby.

"It's not a stupid joke and you know it," Spark rolled his eyes, throwing his arm around Luciel's shoulders, "so, what are you doing out here? Training for our battle that you missed out on?"

Luciel looked down, furrowing his brows and frowning. "Sorry about that," he muttered, "something turned up and I didn't get a chance to call you."

Not seeming to hear Luciel's response, Spark continued on, "I mean, you haven't talked to me for weeks! I thought you fell off the face of the Earth again."

"Yeah about that-"

"I really missed you, you know! Not as badly as when you left when were kids, but still! Were you busy or something? You know I would've understood."

"Spark."

"I'm just saying, I would've been okay with it. I wanted to call you, but I figured you would've said something if you wanted me to know."

"Spark."

"What were you doing, anyway? Did something happen? Or were you just training and lost track of time?"

"Spark."

"What?"

"I was just saying, something uh..." Luciel fidgeted slightly, messing with Updog's paws as he put them in Luciel's hands, "something came up and I didn't get a chance to call you."

"Oh. Well, you should've called me after! I would've understood," Spark said, looking a little disappointed.

"Sorry, I guess I just got too busy with training?" Luciel shrugged, smiling a little when Updog licked his cheek to cheer him up, "... so cute..."

"Maybe since we're both here, we can train together?" Spark looked excited about it even as he suggested it, beginning to bounce in his spot.

"Ah, actually," Luciel picked up the Pikachu in his arms, passing him back to Spark as he stood up, "I have something I need to get done today, so maybe another time." He explained, muttering an apology that was too quiet to be heard as he collected his things and Pokemon, returning them to their Pokeballs.

"Bye, Spark, talk to you soon!"

Spark blinked, bewildered, looking down at Updog, "what's with him?"

"You're Luciel, correct?" The man behind the desk asked, looking between his phone and Luciel.

"Yeah, that's me. Why?" He simply nodded, eyeing the stranger carefully.

"Spark talks about you a lot," the man shrugged, reaching his hand out, "I'm Go. Spark's... assistant, if you want to call it that."

"Oh! Yeah, Spark has mentioned you from time to time," Luciel hesitantly shook his hand, smiling a little at the corners of his lips. "Uh... is he in, actually?"

"He's in the middle of a battle, but you're welcome to watch it," Go replied, gesturing for Luciel to follow him as he headed down the right hallway, "follow me."

Luciel trailed after him, nervously fidgeting as they exited the quiet front room and entered the loud as all gets stadium. "This is where the battles are held?" He had to raise his voice to even hear himself over the noise the crowd was making.

"Yeah," Go said, "right now, Spark's facing a guy he's had trouble with in the past. Guy can't take that he keeps losing, so he just keeps coming back."

Luciel raised a brow, "how is that trouble?" He asked, taking a seat beside Go when he settled down; they'd managed to find some front row seats amongst the sea of spectators.

"The guy's always loud and brash about it, causes a scene every time," Go explained as he gestured to the guy, who looked rather peeved that he was losing.

"Oh, makes sense, I guess," Luciel muttered the last part, leaning forward to watch the battle closely. Even though they were in the front row, it was still hard to see and hear from where they were; even harder to focus due to an oncoming headache.

The battle seemed to be going in Spark's favour as he had yet to lose his fourth Pokemon, while his opponent was down to his fifth. Thanks to the scoreboard, it was easy to tell who was winning, who had won in the past hour or so, and how many wins, loses, and draws Spark had under his belt.

He wasn't lying when he said he lost to some of them... Luciel thought, resting his arms against the barrier as he stood up, trying to drown out the noise behind and around him in order to focus on the battle in front of him.

Updog seemed to be Spark's Pokemon of choice, easily dodging and weaving around attacks from the opponents Ninetales. Ninetales didn't look like it was a pushover, either, though, striking hard whenever it did land a hit and being able to take a few hits itself. Luciel was almost too scared to ask Go who he should've been rooting for.

"You're welcome to stay here and watch the battle, but I have a job to get to," Go said suddenly, heading toward the door they'd entered from.

"Alright. It was good meeting you!" Luciel called after him, barely taking his eyes off of the battle.

At some point during it, Updog and Spark's Jolteon, who he'd have to learn the name of later, had gotten severely injured. Spark was down to his fifth and the guy was barely hanging on with his sixth; Spark was still winning, but only by a small margin. With everyone around him cheering and booing whoever they thought deserved to win, Luciel didn't think he should've started cheering as well, but...

"Spark, kick his ass!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, "don't hold back on someone like this! You can battle a lot better and we both know that!"

Seeming to notice his screaming, - probably due to recognising his voice - Spark looked up to the stands to spot the source. He smiled when he noticed Luciel, waving his hand before he quickly turned his attention back to the battle.

Luciel grinned, proud of himself, as he continued to watch, enthralled in the battle. He wasn't even participating and he could feel adrenaline rushing in his veins.

By the end of the battle, he was more hyped than he'd ever been. As soon as he returned to the front room, he had a bounce in his step and must've looked like he'd gotten the best news ever based on Go's bewildered glance in his direction.

"I take it you had fun?" Go asked, grinning a little.

"Oh yeah! That was so. Fuckin'. Cool!" Luciel replied, talking a little louder than normal with an over-excited tone of voice.

"All of Spark's battles are a little over the top," Go chuckled, looking toward the door down the left hall as it opened. He glared at the guy who lost, getting the same expression in response.

Luciel blinked, watching the guy leave. He became a little confused when the guy glared at him as well. "Well, someone's not happy he lost," he grumbled, crossing his arms as he let out a huff. However, upon seeing Spark walk out not too long after, he grinned a little as he greeted him with a wave.

"Hey! Glad you could make it," Spark beamed, as he walked over to the both of them, moving over to peer at the phone in Go's hands from over his shoulder. "How many times is that?"

"Seven or eight, I lost count," Go replied, looking up from his phone, "guy just can't give it up."

"Some people are just too determined," Luciel chimed, letting out a dejected sigh, "but if someone like that can't even beat Spark, then what's that mean for people like me?"

Spark sent Go a look when he snorted, then turned to Luciel with a grin, throwing an arm around him, "you're a lot stronger than that guy and you know it!"

"I dunno, I've been pretty lacklustre lately," Luciel frowned.

"Spark's always told me that you could totally beat him," Go replied with a shrug.

"He's just saying that because I used to beat him all the time when we were kids," Luciel rolled his eyes, then cast Spark a look, raising a brow.

"What? It's true," Spark held his hands up in mock defence, "you always used to completely own me when we had battles back then."

"Yeah, but now?"

Go looked between the two of them, shaking his head, "why don't you two just battle and figure it out for yourselves?"

"Too busy," Luciel replied rubbing the back of his neck, "I actually shouldn't have even been here, but I decided my boss could deal without me for a day."

"Playing hooky are we?" Spark shot Luciel a disappointed look, "tsk, tsk, tsk."

"You play hooky from your leader duties from time to time," Go interjected, grinning a little at Spark's pout.

"You weren't supposed to tell him that!"

"Oops, it slipped," Go faked(?, it looked both too real and too fake to tell...) a shrug.

"How could you do this to me, Go?" Spark played along, fake crying with his hands covering his face. "Betrayal! Betrayal, I say!"

Luciel doubled over, holding back laughter while gripping his sides, "dear Arceus, you two!"

Soon enough, Spark joined in, laughing heartily, with Go finally joining last.

When they'd finished wiping the tears from their eyes, they all straightened out and looked amongst themselves. However, after getting a ping on his phone, Go held it up and smiled sadly, "sorry, gotta take this. You two have fun."

"Will do!" Luciel called after him, waving his goodbye. After Go was out of sight, he turned to Spark, "so uh... your battle, huh? That was... pretty good."

"Maybe I have gotten better with age?" Spark suggested, referencing his joke from a few weeks ago.

"Aged like fine cheese, Spark, fine cheese," Luciel shook his head, giving Spark a pat on the arm.

"Speaking of," Spark waggled his brows, "wanna go get some dinner? I know it's kinda late, but I'm sure there's some places still open.

"Are you thinking pizza?"

"Only if you are."

Luciel grinned, hooking his arm with Spark's when the offered presented itself, "lead the way."

"With pleasure," Spark returned the grin with one of his own, a playful expression that radiated happiness, heading out of the gym with his arm swinging, therefore causing Luciel's to swing with his.

"Any particular place we're going to? Or are we just gonna go to your place and order?" Luciel asked, peering up at Spark as they made their way down the sidewalk.

"I was thinking my place and order, I really don't wanna carry a pizza home," Spark whined a little, rubbing at his arm, "my arms hurt too much to carry anything."

"You're just lazy.~" Luciel teased, rolling his eyes at Spark's play acting.

"Am I? Or are you just too cynical to not care about my pain?" Spark retaliated, a teasing tone to his words.

Luciel didn't seem to notice it, however, too busy staring at something that caught his attention.

"Luciel? Hey, what is it?" Spark reached over, waving his hand in front of Luciel's face, blinking a few times.

"Huh?! Oh! Oh, no, it's... I just thought I saw something over there," Luciel made a vague gesture toward the alley adjacent to them.

"Have you been sleeping enough? You know you start to see things when you don't get enough sleep."

"I know, and yes, I have... Must've just been a Meowth or something," Luciel shrugged, pulling Spark along.

"Are you sure? We could investigate it if you're worried," Spark suggested, stumbling when he was suddenly yanked forward. He barely caught himself by leaning on Luciel for a bit before he was able to keep up.

"Nah, let's just keep going; I'm hungry anyway," Luciel replied, fidgeting slightly after pulling his arm away from Spark's, "besides, it's probably none of our business.

Spark tilted his head to the side, furrowing his brows. "If you're sure..." He replied, slipping his hands down into his pockets. In an attempt to change the subject, he brought up pizza again, "what kind do you want?"

"What?" A little bewildered, Luciel cast a confused glance up at him, "oh- pizza, right. Uh. Cheese. With extra cheese."

"As always," Spark teased, "you gotta branch out a little."

"I'll branch out when I'm dead, I'm too in love with cheese to do anything else while I'm alive.

"See! You're so bland and predictable it hurts!"

"Oh please, like you're so much better?"

"I'm instinctual," Spark grinned, waiting for Luciel to catch the joke. However, when he noticed he hadn't, Spark looked down, nudging him slightly. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."

"Spark," Luciel reached for his arm again, holding tightly to it with both hands.

"What? Seriously, are you that freaked out about what you saw? Like you said, it was probably a Poke-"

"Spark, please be serious for once."

"Why? What's wr-" He didn't even finish his sentence before a resounding CRASH caught him off guard. Spark turned quickly to face the source of the noise, already on edge as he gave Luciel a small push behind him.

They waited for a moment, the sound of the wind blowing around them and their breathing being the only thing to fill the void that would otherwise be silent. Much to their relief, out from the alleyway they just walked by was a Ninetales, looking more startled at them than they did at it.

"See, I told you it was nothing to worry about!"

"Spark," he swallowed nervously, "look at the bandanna around its neck," Luciel made a gesture to his own neck for emphasis.

"Whatcha mean..." Spark trailed off, recognising the bandanna almost immediately. Plastered on the black fabric was a bright red 'R', proudly displaying the team the Pokemon belonged to. For once, a serious expression displayed on his features, "stay behind me."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Luciel stepped back a little further, peering out from behind Spark with an anxious expression.

Another tense handful of seconds passed before the trainer finally showed himself and Luciel couldn't be any less surprised about who it was.

"I knew that guy was an asshole," he muttered, clinging to the back of Spark's jacket.

What happened next was so sudden he barely registered it. The trainer attacked and then... Luciel had never seen someone move so fast. He didn't recognise the speed at first, too caught off guard to even understand. But he did know that he suddenly went from point A, the ground, where the attack hit, to point b, the rooftop of a two story building not too far away.

"Spark?" He asked, his breathing beginning to level out from his previously almost hyperventilating state.

"I'd say 'guess again,' but then I'd have to hear my name come out of your mouth."

"... Zapdos," Luciel muttered, suddenly shoving himself out of arms he knew didn't belong to his friend.

"... And you say it anyway," Zapdos groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I save your life and you treat me like this?"

"If you're going to complain about it, why bother?" Luciel snarled, rising to his feet. He was caught off guard again when the second movement happened, helplessly clinging to Spark's jacket despite his irritation for the Titan having taken over.

"Because," Zapdos continued as soon as he had finally determined a safe spot to drop Luciel for good, "in human vernacular, I've grown accustomed to you presence."

Luciel blinked a few times, slow to understand Zapdos' words. But before he could say anything, the bird was off again, moving like lightning.

"Hey, wait! Should I be flattered or what?!" He called after, leaning over the ledge of the roof to watch Zapdos dart off.

Turned out, occupying oneself by stargazing wasn't exactly the most interesting thing in the world. By the time Zapdos had finally made his way back, Luciel had almost dozed off several times and was only keeping himself awake by messing around on his phone. Of course, he was worried, but he'd determined that there was simply nothing he could do until Zapdos returned. Then, he'd certainly be giving that stupid bird a lecture of a life time.

"I'm surprised you didn't try to jump off," Zapdos commented as he came to rest beside Luciel, peering over at him from the corner of his eyes.

"Why? If I jumped, I would've died," Luciel replied before realising what the Titan meant. He glared at Zapdos, frowning, "you hate me and yet you've grown accustomed to my presence. It's either one or the other, make up your mind.

Zapdos sighed heavily, leaning over to throw his arm over Luciel's shoulders, "I'll admit that I did not realise it before... but you are genuinely apologetic about leaving Spark alone all those years ago... And although I still despise you and all humans, if something were to happen to you, he would be devastated."

"So... you're saying that you're only keeping me around for Spark's sake."

"Something like that," Zapdos grinned a little, squeezing Luciel's shoulders in an awkward, one armed hug.

"Wow, gee. I've earned the favour of a Legendary Bird- Wait, what's that on my shoulder?"

"We should be going, right?"

"Zapdos I swear to Arceus if that's blood-"

"We're going."

Before Luciel could protest, Zapdos scooped him up once more, rounding his way back down the buildings until they landed on the ground.

"Wha- hey- Arceus, I'm gonna be sick..." Luciel groaned, slipping away from Zapdos when they finally settled on the ground.

"You'd better hurry, we're not quite out of the clear yet," Zapdos warned, looking over his shoulder to peer down the sidewalk.

"That's rather ominous," Luciel commented after getting a hold on his bearings, his eyesight no longer doubled.

"So is that," Zapdos made a gesture behind them, directing Luciel's attention to the trainer from before.

"Can't you, I dunno, do something?"

"Are you telling me to stop holding back?"

Luciel hesitated, biting his lip.

"If you're going to answer, do it fast."

"Yes," Luciel finally confirmed, confident in his answer, "if that'll get this to stop, then don't hold back." He wasn't going to lie when he thought that the look Zapdos made with Spark's face was genuinely terrifying. Nor was he going to when he realised just how Zapdos could fight when he was backed into a corner. Even though he had also taken over Spark's body, he seemed to be doing very well; maybe he was only doing it to protect Spark? But why would he? Spark had already fought the guy so, why bother?

Oh my Arceus.

Luciel scrambled backward when he came to a conclusion, nearly tumbling over his own feet in the process. Panic rushed through him, not unlike the adrenaline that had done the same earlier. He contemplated the answers swirling in his head, trying in vain to figure out what he was going to do. He realised that Zapdos was only fighting, because he didn't want Team Rocket to take him from Spark, he was only fighting because he knew what being apart from one another for too long for would do to both him and his bonded.

Zapdos didn't even seem to realise that he was going overboard. Or maybe he did and he was doing it intentionally? No, he wouldn't-

When Luciel caught sight of the glance that was shot in his direction, he froze.

And then all of a sudden, his legs were moving before he could process it; he was running as fast as he could, pushing himself further than he'd ever done before. And as soon as he finally came to a halt in front of... Spark? Zapdos? Was it both of them? Luciel grabbed his shoulders, his grip shaky. Of course Zapdos took notice easily, he wasn't blind. But his reaction...

He clung tightly to Luciel like he was going to lose him, claws digging past his clothes and into his skin, creating long, angry scratch marks that Luciel could feel were bleeding. His back must've looked like some kind of bird must've attacked him - and it wouldn't be totally wrong - by the time he'd finally gotten Spark to calm down.

Luciel wheezed, squeezing Spark tighter when he began to apologise, "I've got you, okay? It's okay..." He smoothed his hand through Spark's hair, trying to ignore the pain in his back.

"... I'm sorry," Spark muttered, hesitant to return the embrace that Luciel had him in.

"Don't. Don't apologise, okay? It's fine."

"You're too good to me..."

"Any other time I might agree with you," Luciel laughed a little, trying to ignore the burning from the marks on his back, "but... I can't do that now."

"Yeah..." Spark nosed his face against Luciel's shoulder, "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that..." Luciel smiled a little, wincing when he moved to curl against Spark.

"Someone has to," Spark replied tiredly, carefully picking Luciel up in his arms. He tried to steady himself when he swayed, biting back the throbbing pain in his head.

After he'd been able to brush off the feeling of weariness, he greeted Luciel to one of his signature smiles, "let's get you patched up."

Luciel simply hummed in response.

#Ship: Electrifying #fanfic #im really fucking sorry about this one #because its sad and also its so unbeta'd it hurts #self ship #selfshipping #selfship #this is my 495th post and im so fucking sorry #there's a continuation to this but im too chicken shit to post it #its really??? snorts #its really smutty im sorry guys

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.