#psychology like is helpful to people and that shouldn’t be taken away from them

[mundanememorize]

okay i will rant for like two seconds my once a month rant but i have recently realized fucking psychology or i guess like modern/pop psychology especially is destroyingggg art. so bad.

like as writer/artist for like the past 2-3 years i’ve found myself being like oh i need to be able to perfectly articulate how my stories deal with mental health and then i get in this awful loop bc i’m not writing anymore im dissecting.

and on the audience part too it’s also awful. i love metas and analysis etc etc but it’s all turned into this strange phenomenon of like “proving a theory” and so many of these metas (im just going to use that for the catchall) focus on the same dissection.

just lately when it comes to art and discussion old or new academic or twitter rants i feel like i constantly see people asking “what is wrong with the artist to make them make this” instead of understanding the emotion or subject present in the piece and dissecting that as it relates to you. it has ti be clinical and hard fact and true to the creators intent.

i hate this approach so much and the way i see it effects my writing has made me crazy so i’m glad i’ve realized. i do not like to see abstract concepts put into a box im sure no one else does but being in like online art culture it’s so so so bad for that because no one can discuss anything online it has to be a debate. and then you’re debating art instead of analyzing and sharing experience.

this is all very vague and that’s kind of the point. what i’m talking about applies to anyone from like brain rotted edge lord anime girl artists to characters in mainstream/high production projects. there is no separation of art from artist on the basis of how does it make you feel it seems like it’s everyone’s wondering what’s going on in the artists head and trying to use their art as tools to figure it out. i think that has terrified me in creating and it’s made me feel like i have to make it present in my art in the first place so i have “nothing to hide” but why does an audience need to be in your psyche???

this is not me saying exploring mental health and illness and symptoms of it in art is a bad thing, it is exactly the opposite. it’s when it turns into everyone fighting about how xyz proves their headcanon correct and then no one else is allowed to interpret a character another way when the point of most art from the people i know and/or admire want the exact opposite. every character should be a mirror to a large variety of people and experiences. the same shade of green should excite one person and disgust the next. i am just so tired and appalled and over the like compartmentalization of art to enjoy it as a monolith go fuck yourself!!!!!

and i kind of got off topic with the subject of psychology present in art but looking at art with a psychological lense can be fun but that’s the lens you should already be using in the sense of connecting emotionally to pieces. i’m seeing yourself in the art right in front of you. most people (especially people who don’t create art often) go into art immediately trying to “figure it out” which i understand but how to you make it clear to everyone that they already understand, they just need to listen to what is there in front of them.

to look at art through a clinical lens is the death of art is maybe a more accurate way of talking about it. to look at art and try to dissect it, not for yourself, but to say “i know exactly what the artist was thinking” you’ll never be right. it’s fun to joke about in the basis of relation to the art but then that’s just you relating. that’s your experience and perception. you will never know the artists intent.

this is more specific and a little more silly but i feel like that^ over laps with people freaking out about character and “good/bad” representation. saying gay characters can only act this way. that characters with plurality can only be portrayed like this. that characters with a disability or neurodivergence or this or that can only say this list of things or else you’ve made a “harmful character”. of course there is harmful stereotyping but i would hope everyone able to publish and produce stuff knows what to do and not to do. i know that’s not realistic but i hope majority of writers don’t need a strict do and does list to write all of their stories!

i really mean this more in the way of making a strict view of how exactly to portray a certain character especially when it comes to marginalized identity and psychology then makes a new box that pisses people off. people did not like autistic people being portrayed as emotionless genius robots who parade as people and that’s normal because that is fucked up. but why now does every autistic character need to be almost a joke about being “too weird”. why also does a character need to be confirmed by the creator to be anything. it’s definitely nice but to me if a character portrays your experience without being confirmed anything, why not just enjoy the character in the way you perceive them. i’m also just a really big fan of ambiguity and surrealism in art so that’s how i prefer to take it but i don’t understand why every single aspect of art needs to be labeled for enjoyment. it’s killing it.

i kind of got off track with this but i hope it’s clear how i feel like psychology effects art in the ways of when you confine symptoms to one box and you put people into those boxes and those people love art and make art. then the perception of art will be affected and it’s hurting it badly. it is okay to be uncertain but i think psychology is hurting people and art badly in tandem

#there’s also the issue of black and white thibking and absolutes thta have taken over the modern day #from both political extremism to your internal morality but that’s like. this will turn into an actual ten paper essay #and to be transparent on this. this id a lot of stuff i’ve only recently realized and started to unpack because i’ve stopped being obsessed #with these labels. so i am just kind of speaking from my heart and my perception of what was making me kind of crazy #psychology like is helpful to people and that shouldn’t be taken away from them #but i also just kind of wish it could quietly exist and be helpful. #because like ten years ago it was a fucking like social death sentence to be in therapy #and now it’s all you can hear or see be misconstrued on the internet but it’s hurting people more because they get out in a box #<again two very extremist points. we can never seem to find a middle ground #and it’s not bad for people to know terms or symtpms of what they have or think they have because then they can find tools to help #but the way people dissect individuals and lump them together in ‘avoidant type’ style boxes #when people have an array of experience and trauma and hardship under their belt that’s so unique to them it’s so harmful to lump them #in with so many others with that same individual experience. why do we have to mush people together to understand people #why can’t we just meet a person and let them tell us how they are and feel and came to be #sorry this is like my one million thoughts from the past couple months so i’m like. literal essay it has to stop now because i want a #peach red bull

[riseofamoonycake]

Thank you for the request! Hehe I really enjoyed writing it!

War Bringer

⚡ Pairing: Indra x Priestess!reader

⚡ Warnings: mention of death, usurpation, psychological abuse

⚡ 

Another night of heavy rain.

The portals of the temple, thrown open by gusts of wind and water, have no intention of closing even with the united force of ten priests; motionless, they do not make a creak, as if the hand of a god were holding them.

The cold enters in waves, his hands slimy and cruel that crawl under the high ceilings and between the columns encrusted with gems, slip under the clothes and squeeze the flesh without letting any breathe.

«Cover yourself, you’re almost naked! What are you thinking, Y/N? Find yourself a shelter, here it will be a disaster!»

You recover from your torpor only when a pair of hands shakes you with no delicacy, and you realize that you have been staring at the threshold for very long minutes. Beyond it, in the heart of the storm, shapes and creatures that belong to the world of dreams run and scream; you also see presences and shadows that make you shiver, but at the same time they tickle and ensnare your imagination. You struggle to escape their voice, it is like they are all singing a beautiful tune together and you can’t help but dance.

«Y/N? Y/N, are you listening to me? Are you with us?»

You sigh and slowly shake your head, confused and invaded by so many sensations. The rain has conquered the entrance by now and it is also reaching your hair, your face; in the darkness that is devouring the place it can be clearly seen, thanks to the lightning that has begun to lash the night. It’s not just a downpour, after all.

Your pupils dilate as the thunderbolts chase each other, falling from heaven to earth, and your mouth opens as if to speak: you know something is about to happen, you feel it, it is a sensation that snakes over your skin like a caress, a primal instinct. Something is going to happen, someone is coming.

«You won’t be afraid of a simple storm, will you? My dear children… what would you do without me?»

Everyone, including you, turns their heads towards the figure that has just appeared in the holiest area of ​​the temple, and immediately extends their hands in supplication and kneels in devotion.

With a fluid movement and a cheerful laugh, the god to whom you prostrate every day and every night closes the doors of his abode and chases away the cold, the rain and the thunder, lighting the thousand lamps that populate the structure, gathering around him his pupils and their prayers.

Out of the corner of your eye you see the latest bolt of lightning falling so close to the temple that it shakes the floor; but there is no place for it here.

Not today.

⚡ 

Few know that the temple in which you are now a priestess once belonged to one of the over a thousand deities far older than those who are now worshiped in the region; gods who dwelt on a high mountain and fought for supremacy, until they were all united under the rule of one of them, and found peace.

There are ancient legends that the people of this land kept repeating, all about these magnificent deities: stories that tell of great powers and fierce battles, of friendships that led to great achievements, of respect. The older ones continue to tell them, in a low voice and thinking that what has passed will never come back; however, every time you hear them from the mouths of your grandparents and parents, a voice inside you replies that what is not forgotten cannot die, and one day it can reappear.

You shouldn’t, you know it: your vows and duties bind you to a god who has nothing in common with these tales, a conqueror ― a usurper, you often hear; but even if you didn’t decide this fate and neither would your family ever wish it for you, you have taken an oath and you will continue to respect it. Either that, or the deaths of everyone you love.

The choice had been proposed to you since you were a child, a few years after the conquest of the region, and you immediately decided to bow to the new gods and serve them up to denying yourself; you could never bear the alternative, and that makes you all the more special in the eyes of the one who awaits your veneration every moment of your slow existence: a little mouse with a big heart is always a coveted prey. 

So far, however, nothing bad has ever happened to you: no one, not even those who would have the power to do it, has ever laid a finger on you or demanded what you would not give and do, and therefore you can say that you live quite calmly. You are allowed to visit your family quite often, and in their arms you seek and find all the reassurance you need, as well as a company of friends and acquaintances who are always ready to cuddle you.

For some time, then, one more figure has been added: a man of few words and with an even rarer smile, who keeps all his thoughts hidden or perhaps lets them slip away together with the smoke of the cigarettes that you always see him smoking.

This figure does not present particular features beyond the scarifications on his large chest, intricate labyrinths of light lines, an enormous height and the fact that it can barely see his beautiful eyes under the wavy pale hair; but when he enters your house or appears on the horizon, everyone lowers their voices and gives way to him, and, you noticed, they welcome him by bowing their heads too slowly to be a simple greeting and show him a deep kindness that soon becomes reverence.

Every time you look at him, trying not to appear rude, you frown as you realize that something keeps eluding you: not who he is or where he is from, or why he is here… something deep, still unclear. For some reason, you find yourself thinking that it is right that he is here, necessary; and the more you stare at him, the more you think of an old image that your grandparents keep in their humble home and in front of which they pray continuously: a drawing ruined by time, but which releases flashes of light at every slightest movement ― the same light that emanates from your new visitor’s chest marks.

To start clarifying doubts and feelings, you have to wait for another stormy night, this time even more violent than the others. You are not in the temple, but in your house and in your bed, where you jump as soon as the thunder comes and chases away your light sleep; unable to fall back asleep and filled with a sense of anticipation, you quickly get up and go to the entrance, to make sure no water enters. A sudden impulse prompts you to open the door to peer outside, and amidst the play of lightning and the mythological figures you see appearing every time the rain falls, you see him.

Your legs give out and you fall to your knees as your eyes widen in surprise, but now you realize: there is no one else who could so calmly stand among lightning nor be caressed by it and remain unharmed, because it is he who calls them to himself. The silence that follows each of his appearances, the respect that your family reserves for him, everything takes on its rightful meaning; and you can’t help but lean against the door, your heart pounding in your chest, then run to bed and curl up inside it with your body shaking, until the storm dies down and a new day rises from the horizon, a silent morning without clouds.

Wrapped in your black and white clothes, the austere priestly uniform that suffocates every color of the soul, you leave the house knowing where to go; the god is still there where you saw him, with his mind and thoughts fixed on a new thunderstorm, probably; but he hears you coming anyway, and calmly turns to look at you. «Very strange: it’s not the season of the swallows. It’s very early, little bird, you could sleep a little longer.»

You don’t know how you can speak, or where your courage comes from; but you do it anyway, kneeling and prostrating yourself on the ground, heedless of staining your clothes and hands with grass and watering them with your own tears. «You are the deity my family never stops praying to. You are the bearer of lightning, the maker of lightning... one of the Hindu gods who ruled the region, the protector of my ancestors.

You are... you are my real lord.»

He doesn’t answer for a long time; first he lets the early morning wind flow over you, then he takes a deep breath and lifts you off the ground with one hand, pulling you so close to him you can see the tangle of gleams in his eyes. «Remember, swallow: I am not one of the Hindu gods. My name is Indra, the God of Lightning; and I’m back.»

⚡ 

Pay attention to the God of Lightning, the fearsome Indra

He’ll come one day, one day he’ll come;

He will reduce the false to ashes,

He will raise the truth.

Indra loves to go back to his first home. He clearly remembers every corner of the region, every tree that populates it and every bend that twists the rivers, and sometimes nostalgia is felt with cruelty: unlike the other gods, he has never willingly accepted the conquest by the others. Of course, his faithful still live in this land and they know how to hide well and give him the right honors, and the song he is now hearing ― an ancient and martial rhythm that the wind cannot overcome, a great proof of faith and loyalty ― proves it; but he will never be able to forget the sight of the temples torn from his cult or destroyed, of his priests forced to choose whether to renounce their devotion to him or to die, of his name insulted and mocked.

Fury, fury!

There are decisions before which even the strongest gods must bow their heads and accept, but this exceeds his capacity to bear: and often in his silence envy and desire for revenge stir, ready to be fulfilled but kept dormant until the most appropriate.

The prayers of those who have not forgotten him and are brave enough to continue calling have not left the god indifferent, even urging him to return to the land where it all began: and the hour of blood is approaching fast. The time has come, because Indra is a very patient but rarely forgiving deity, because Indra lives on pride and strength ― and on jealousy.

Actually, it is the first time that the God of Lightning has this feeling: because it was born with you, as soon as you appeared in his existence. Y/N… a gust of spring, a ray of light. Young and devoted, kind and ready to sacrifice yourself for those you love, the shape of your soul filled the deity with desire; such great innocence and dedication, enclosed in the body of a wren with a sweet smile... which, however, is not addressed to him, because someone has already reached out to you and holds you tightly in his clutches.

You are the reason why your family desperately begged for Indra’s help and intervention; you are what set everything in motion and prompted him not to return but to stay, to become a guest of your family and the father of a burning, stinging and tormenting impulse every time he sees your gaze light up when you look at him or he watches you embrace your loved ones, and in the meantime he notices the shadow that hangs over your person.

That shadow knows the god well and for this very reason it grins, laughs at him, knows that there are rules that up to now have protected its actions, and pulls you back, away, every time you try, even unconsciously, to approach him. It is with you in every word, gesture and look you two exchange; you can hear it, but Indra also feels it inside and becomes a roar, furious and fearful at the same time: you are not far from danger with someone who doesn’t care about your life at all ― and at the same time, you are not allowed to get close to who, instead, of your existence would make it a treasure. This, this drives Indra mad with rage and terrible thoughts.

Deceptions are being plotted behind your back, false truths are waiting: what if you start believing them? Not only would your family’s prayers be in vain, but he would lose you forever. And he can’t accept this, neither for you nor for his pride. No, someone else will have to give in.

No, it will be someone else who will be silenced, who will lose everything.

«Lord Indra...»

Your hesitant and light voice, fresh as a raindrop, pushes him to close his eyes and also loosens the strength of the martial songs that invites the god to battle.

And you, war bringer, will you answer the voice of your own fear?

Your soft, warm body darts under his hands as he wraps his arms around you and tucks your face under his chin, cradling you gently.

Jealousy. How could he accept to see you in hands other than his? 

Jealousy. It will consume him, or he will bend reality to his will. 

«Do not fear for yourself or for your loved ones, everything will soon be over. Don’t you hear the songs? For too long I’ve ignored them... but now I can’t anymore.»

You squirm, release yourself from his grip and turn to look into his eyes, a pleading light in yours. «My lord… you are protecting me, but I am a nullity! Don’t go to war for me, I’m not worth it, I... I’m...»

Indra stares at you as if he were going to burn you to ashes, then he grabs you and lifts you up to his face, where only tranquility emerges. Inside, hell. «Then who do I go to battle for? I was wrong about you, are you a nullity? Or is that what they want you to believe?» Jealousy, jealousy.

You swallow, not controlling your tears. «I’m afraid…», you murmur, unable to hold back any longer, «I’m…»

The God of Lightning gently shakes and silences you, then hugs you again. Your hands rest on his chest and immediately move away, feeling the power of a terrible storm flowing under your fingers, the most devastating a man has ever seen.

«I promise you: anyone who dares to touch you will suffer the most horrible of deaths. Trust the words of your god: his wrath will be insatiable.»

Trembling, you hug his neck and bury your face in the space between it and his shoulder, letting out a long sob. «As my lord commands. I will wait for you.»

You feel him stroking your hair gently, then the deity repeatedly kisses your forehead and eyes, and finally the lips. You stiffen and let out a muffled scream as you feel a jolt go through you and one corner of your cheek starts to throb and burn as if it’s been slapped. It is none of that, but something deeper: victory starts here.

«I’ll break your cage, little swallow. Just wait for me, and take good care of your new mark.»

The caress with which he greets you is the most delicate you have ever received, and your fingers do everything to keep that contact. With your cheek radiating warmth and your vision clouded by tears that are so full of worry, but also of a promise of happiness, you watch your lord walk away towards the battle that the whole region invokes and you sit on the ground, waiting.

The scar that marks your face dances on the skin denoting that, whatever happens ― and inside you already know who will be the winner: his energy, his implacability, his jealousy will lead him to glory ―, now you are free: you don’t have to be afraid anymore.

#record of ragnarok #record of ragnarok x reader #shuumatsu no valkyrie #shuumatsu no valkyrie x reader #snv x reader #ror x reader #ror indra #Record of ragnarok indra #snv indra #Shuumatsu no valkyrie indra #record of ragnarok request

[bcdrawsandwrites]

[ID: A Psychonauts fanfic cover. Fred Bonaparte is in the center of the cover and directly facing the viewer, looking as he first appears in the game, though missing his sandals. His right sock has the heel worn off, and the left sock is only on half of his foot, and his heels are exposed and bleeding. He's being dragged backward down a darkened, impossibly-warped hallway in Thorney Towers by two shadowed figures, each of them looping one of their arms around his arms to drag him. Fred has a terrified expression on his face, and his heels are leaving bloody trails on the asylum floor. /end ID]

Fandom: Psychonauts

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Characters: Fred Bonaparte and the-real-imaginary Napoleon Bonaparte

Warnings: Blood, isolation, electroshock therapy, psychological and physical abuse

Description: The asylum is falling into shambles around him, but no one seems to notice. They're treating him like a patient, but he's not a patient. He's the chief orderly, and he needs to treat the patients here, direct the orderlies, and follow the orders of the nurses and doctors.He just wants to help people. That's what he's always done... isn't it?

Beta Readers: @jaywings​ and @of-science-and-stars

Notes: For @wulverarctos​ for the Midnight at Whispering Rock ( @midnightwhisperingrock ) gift exchange! Doing research for this was... definitely a thing. @__@ Writing Fred was cool though!!

---~~~---

The hallways are so long.

He's been dragged for forever, their arms looped around his bound elbows, his ankles rubbing raw against the dirty floors. They were supposed to be clean. Where are the janitors? The floors aren't clean. Why aren't the floors—

ZE ARMY MARCHES ONWARD! IT HAS NO TIME FOR MENIAL TASKS!

No, don't say that out loud. Had he said that out loud? He wasn't supposed to. Please, please be quiet, he's sorry, he has such a hard time staying quiet—are they listening?

An exposed piece of metal on the leg of a stretcher strikes against his heel as they haul him past it, and he yelps. The stretchers weren't supposed to be just left sitting in the hallway, that was a safety hazard, why was it left out? Please, someone has to fix this, this isn't—

ZEES IS NOT ZE JOB FOR A GENERAL! WE ARE IN ZE MIDDLE OF A WAR!

No, no, please, he knows there's no war right now but the other one doesn't—please, they have to listen!

He strains to turn his head, but he can't see their faces. They drag him onward down the never-ending hallways, so long and winding that he swears they're starting to spiral before his eyes. He shakes his head and looks around as he's dragged, trying to spot any other nurses or orderlies he can look to for help. But none of his coworkers look back at him, only the faces of the inmates. He's being dragged so fast he can't recognize each one, aside from the distinct characteristics of some, such as the massive, muscular form of the painter who cringes away from him as he's hauled past, or the glowing eyes of the dentist which seem to bore into his own. They shouldn't be afraid of him, though. He wants to help them, but he can't right now—no one will listen, please, someone has to listen, someone has to help—

I AM AN ESTEEMED GENERAL, AND I COMMAND YOU TO RELEASE ME!

No, no, that's not going to help! He does need to be released though, there's so many things that need taken care of, please—

Before he can speak another word he's no longer in the hallway, but instead thrown against the soft floor of a padded cell, the sound of the door slamming behind him practically an explosion for how loud it is in the quietness. The room is too bright, with rips in the padding visible like open wounds, disgusting stains marring other parts of it. Why hasn't it been cleaned? The room needs to be maintained. No one can possibly recover in this filth! He tries to pull himself away from a darkened saliva stain, only to spy a vibrant crimson spot inches from his feet. Frantically he pulls his legs away, and the blood smears with it, trailing from his bleeding ankles. No, no, he has to get the wounds bound and find a janitor to get this place clean, but he can't, he can't move his arms—who would put anyone in a place like this? Why was he—

WE SHALL WEAR OUR WOUNDS PROUDLY! THEY ARE ZE MARKS OF A WARRIOR!

Shut up, shut up, you're not supposed to say those things, why can't you behave? You have to pull yourself together and do your job, you're the chief orderly, you can't be an inmate, you have to help run the asylum, you have to—

When did it get so cold?

The hinges creak as the window shutters clatter from the force of the icy wind, so much more pronounced than normal. He tries to curl up, but his legs won't move. Looking down, he finds the cause being a blanket—no, multiple blankets, sopping wet with freezing water, wrapped around him as tightly as possible. It's so much colder than it ever looked, the water soaking through his clothing and chilling him to the core, his body trembling to the point that he can feel his very bones shaking, his teeth chattering so badly he fears they might break. But it was therapy, the nurses had told him. It's supposed to help, somehow. But he doesn't feel helped at all, especially not lying alone on muddy, broken tiles in an empty room, his body cocooned in icy numbness. It must've been done wrong. It shouldn't feel like this. This isn't helping—it's only miserable. Who would put someone through this...?

YOU C-C-CANNOT KEEP US HERE F-F-FOREVER! WE SHALL N-NEVER GIVE UP, AND W-W-WE SHALL REIGN VICTORIOUS!

He's too cold and too exhausted to berate him this time. It's hard to think past the inescapable chill, but in the back of his mind he can only wonder when he's going to be out of this, when they'll let him help so things can get better here. Because they're not—it feels like no one has taken his place, and things are being left to fall apart, to rot...

DO Y-YOU HEAR US?! WE SH-SHALL CONQUER ZEES LAND ONCE M-M-MORE!

Not conquer, he doesn't want to take over. He just wants to help. That was what he did. He always tries to help people, and direct the other orderlies, and help the nurses and doctors. Follow their orders. He always helped, always, always...

UNHAND ME AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

He's not sure when they moved him, but he's in the hallway now, being dragged once again. Who is doing this? He's an orderly, he shouldn't be treated like this—the patients really shouldn't either, but there's so many of them and they're always getting more and they're doing the best they can—they need to let him go!

YES, RELEASE ME, COWARDS! WE SHALL FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

No, no, he doesn't want to kill anyone—don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about! He's perfectly fine and he's not going to hurt anybody and—wait, wait, no, this isn't right. He remembers these halls. This isn't the way to the padded cells or the wards. This is...

Panic bolts through his body and he kicks out with his legs and twists and turns. No, it's not the best way to behave if he wants them to let him go, but they can't take him there, they can't, he's not depressed or catatonic, he doesn't need this, he's fine! He's fine!

YOU CANNOT MAKE ME TALK! I WILL YIELD TO NO TORTURE!

No, no, it's not torture, it's treatment, but he doesn't need it! He's fine! They can't do this to him, they can't—

The doors creak open, and he doesn't need to see the label on them to know what room this is. But he doesn't need to be here, he really doesn't—

Without a word they throw him onto the rickety bed—it's more uncomfortable than he'd ever thought, but that's not the part that makes his heart pound against his rib cage like a prisoner trying to break free. Multiple sets of hands hold him back as more strap him down, pinning his arms and legs, and he opens his mouth to scream—

NO TORTURE SHALL BREAK ME! DO YOUR WORST!

NO, DON'T!

His hat is removed—he couldn't even remember where he'd gotten that stupid hat—and they begin placing the electrodes on his head, even as he pleads for them to remove them. He doesn't need this, it's not necessary, he's not a patient! Why are they doing this?! Why—

Something is shoved into his mouth, muffling any further screams. But he tries anyway—he has to get through to someone, someone has to tell him why they're doing this. Who is doing this? Who is the one responsible for this?!

"I-I'm sorry," a voice whispers just to his side.

His head jerks, and then—

He sees himself in his orderly robes, crouching down toward his face, looking at him with a pained expression. "I'm so sorry. We have to do this."

And he sees himself straighten, towering over him but looking away as the nurses prepare the machine behind him. Even he has fallen silent as he stares up at himself—his eyes shut tight, his mouth pulled into a grimace as the device behind them whirs to life, louder and louder and—

His body seizes, his vision goes white, but even above the erratic buzzing in his brain and the muffled screams in his throat, he can still hear—

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...!"

 ---~~~---

Fred woke up with a jolt, bashing the back of his head against the brick wall he'd been using as a pillow.

It took only seconds for Napoleon to take advantage of his dazed state: "I will not have you sleeping on ze battlefield any longer, simpleton! Wake up! That is an order!"

Order...

While normally Fred would stumble to his feet at Napoleon's insistence, he found himself staring down at the floor of the ruined courtyard and seeing instead the blood-streaked padded cell, the sopping wet blankets, the straps holding him against the bed...

...and his own face staring down at him as he was put through all of it.

"O-orders," he stammered, his body trembling. The floor blurred beneath him, but the visions from the nightmare remained clear.

"Yes, orders! Are you not listening to me?"

Something splashed in front of him, and another tear rolled down his nose. "I-I was... I was f-following orders..."

For once Napoleon was rendered silent, and Fred curled up on himself, burying his face into his knees.

"I'm so sorry..."

#fred bonaparte #psychonauts #midnight at whispering rock #fanfic #my art #my writing #tw blood

[lorirwritesfanfic]

Worthy Of Love

Book: Desire & Decorum (modern day AU) Characters: Veronica Dantas (F!OC), Yusuf Konevi, Annabelle Parsons Pairing: Annabelle Parsons x F!OC (Veronica) Rating: M Word count: 1215 Reading time: ~5min Summary: A visit to a place Veronica has been avoiding for years will evoke memories and feelings she’d rather ignore. Based on the prompt: @choicespride Holiday Pride Event - Religious Trauma/Crisis

Author's note:

Veronica Dantas is a creation of this author. The others are owned by Pixelberry Studios;

@missameliep​‘s ask about the nice and naughty list got me thinking about Annabelle and Veronica too. This story isn’t as cute as I hoped it would be, but it still had to be written. Btw, Ann and Vee are totally on the nice list ❤

Warning: This piece contains subjects (mentions of homophobia and psychological trauma) may be disturbing for some people. Reader discretion is advised.

Veronica stopped before Saint Paul's Cathedral and shoved her hands into her coat pockets as she looked up at the Renaissant/Baroque church. Though some restorations were made on the building since the last time she had been here, to her it seemed like not a single thing had changed.

A chill coursed through her spine, but she chose to ignore it. "It's just cold weather," she told herself. Then, with quiet steps, she tentatively walked in, hoping the clacking of her boots didn't distract the children's choir rehearsal for Christmas services.

As she took a seat on the bench closest to the door, she looked at the altar to watch the rehearsal. A group of fifteen girls between six to eight years old giggled whilst the coach, a man that looked like a former member of a grunge band, made oddly funny gestures to explain how a specific part of the music should be sung.

By the piano, Annabelle calmly waited as the choir coach instructed the kids. With her shoulders back, hair tied on a low messy bun and hand placed over her legs, she looked absolutely stunning. Veronica loved that about her. Her posture, elegance, and gracefulness. Quite the opposite of herself.

At last, her eyes met her partner's and they shared a timid smile from afar. But before anyone noticed, both of them looked away and the rehearsal continued.

Mixed feelings rose within Veronica's chest as the choir began to sing Child Of The Poor. Memories of herself as a kid, also part of the choir in this same church flooded her thoughts. Raised in a Christian home, she always attended church services, Sunday school, and choir rehearsals. It was fun for a while.

When she grew older, however, things changed. People stared, shook their heads in disapproval. Good Christian girls can't do this, good Christian girls can't say that. But it got worse she moved to live next to her father's family. She did her best to do everything she was told. But it was hard to fit in when everyone told her she couldn't be herself and seek "professional help", otherwise the Lord would never approve of her. But wasn't that the same God described in the bible as Love itself? Why did others insist she wouldn't be worthy of love?

She looked down at her hands as her eyes welled up. Of all the places they could've chosen to meet up before joining their friends for drinks, did she really have to meet Annabelle at St. Paul's? After so many years of avoiding religious-related things and places like the plague, she shouldn't have agreed to be here just because someone she loves dearly wants it.

Veronica quickly brushed away the tears that threatened to roll down her cheeks. She was done with this bullshit years ago. She couldn't cry over this again.

"Is this seat taken?" A calm and deep voice she knew so well caught her attention.

"Yusuf?!"

"Hi," Yusuf answered with a broad smile and sat next to his friend.

"Hi... I thought you and Bart would meet everyone in the pub."

"That was the plan. When you said you'd meet Annabelle here, Hamid and I were a bit concerned.

"Was it that obvious it wouldn't end well?"

"No. But abi¹ and I know how much this could affect you. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know... Overwhelmed, I guess..." Averting her gaze, a rueful smile adorned her lips. "But hey, I just proved Dame Margot Aldridge wrong. I didn't burst into flames when I walked in here."

Yusuf shook his head, but couldn't suppress a chuckle.

As their smiles faded, both of them looked at the altar. The children beamed singing Oh, Come All Ye Faithful whilst Annabelle played the song with ease.

"I see why Annabelle always offers to play. These kids are quite talented," Yusuf commented.

"Yeah... Somehow, she only has fond memories of her time in church groups."

They continued to watch the rehearsal for a while before Veronica spoke up again.

"You didn't have the best experience during your time in halaqas either and you're still very Muslim. What's your secret?"

"Years of therapy."

She chuckled.

"I think it finally hit me when I learned Arab and could read the Quran myself. It doesn't say much about homosexuality, except for the Sodom and Gomorrah surahs. Which is also the only moment mentioned in the Bible. The hatred we endured and the bullying we suffered aren't encouraged by the Prophet or Jesus Christ. They tell us the very opposite. Allah created diversity. He wanted all of us to be different and still love each other."

"I wonder how bigots ever finish secondary school given how they often lack basic skills like reading and understanding a book," she grumbled.

"A very good question," he nodded in agreement. "But what really matters to us is knowing we are worthy of Allah's love. And we don't need other people's approval to do so."

A tear rolled down her cheek. Before she could wipe it, Yusuf moved closer and enveloped his friend in a warm embrace.

"You really came a long way from the days you weren't even sure if you'd ever come out," Veronica said with a small smile.

"I wouldn't have crossed to that long path if it wasn't for a psychologist/friend of mine who said I should try psychotherapy to handle all the baggage I couldn't carry on my own," he commented, nudging her with an elbow.

She pursed her lips but nodded. "Okay, okay... I got the message. I'll talk to my therapist about it in the next session."

"That's the spirit!"

As the choir ended the last Christmas carol, the small crowd watching the rehearsal applauded the girls. Veronica and Yusuf followed suit. Her eyes and Annabelle's met again.

"It'll be a good step for you, especially now that you two are planning the wedding ceremony," Yusuf commented.

"What if I don't heal fast enough to agree with this blessing thing she wants so much?"

"The important thing is that you'll finally talk about it with someone other than Hamid and me, V. Annabelle is a thoughtful person and she loves you. She will understand if you need more time."

Whilst the people began to leave the cathedral, Annabelle sauntered over to them.

"Hey! I didn't know you'd be here," Annabelle said, greeting Yusuf with a hug.

"I was driving nearby and remembered you two would be here. You made such a compelling speech about the children's choir, I had to see it for myself," Yusuf explained with a smile.

"Aren't they amazing?" Annabelle enthused.

"They are. Christmas services will be beautiful," Yusuf agreed.

"Did you like it too, darling?" Annabelle turned to her fiancee.

"Yeah..."

Veronica exchanged glances with her friend, who gave her an encouraging nod and a smile. She then moved closer to her partner.

"In fact, there's something I want to talk to you about. Can we go for a walk before joining everyone in the pub?"

"Sure."

"I'll see you two later," Yusuf declared.

As they bid farewell to Yusuf, Veronica walked out of the cathedral alongside her fiancee. This might not be the pleasant talk she hoped to have whenever she thought about their upcoming wedding ceremony. But it certainly was a necessary one.

_________

¹ Abi: older brother. Often used to refer to a friend a bit older than the person speaking.

² Halaqas: religious gathering to study the Islam or the Quran

#choices fanfic #desire and decorum fanfic #yusuf konevi #annabelle parsons #miss parsons x f!oc #choices pride #holiday pride event #desire & decorum modern day au #lorirwritesfanfic #lorircreates #tw religious trauma

[monster42069]

love love love you forever for your recent posts on criminals

*I’m not sure if this is sarcasm, but thank you if any sentence or word that I type makes you feel less alone, less misunderstood, creates a laugh, or anything else positive. 💞

I’m still trying to move on and recover from the psychological damage that violent and non-violent criminal activities have inflicted on me while figuring out how to understand and take proper responsibility(if there is any but it’s mostly a pers issue lol) for the criminal behavior I was/am an active participant in. But the whole subjects is 😟⁉️. It really fuckin’ gets ya when you have experiences with the med/psych systems and realize they’re all one system that’s rotten at the core and separated into nasty little abusive and controlling branches.

Anyone who doesn’t realize that my next response to being told “KILL ALL [X]” would probably be, “Can you take a moment to bite your tongue so your brain has a chance to catch up with it?” is mistaken about who I am and how I won’t compromise with mass homicide, mass torture, and mass surveillance.

This includes “don’t kill them but make it hard for them to be in society!”. Fuck off with all that if you’re being fr. Joking or saying it out of rage occasionally when losing it is one thing, but being fr about it or spreading the idea with a clear mind…. Stay 5000 miles away from me 😐 because that’s more scary and dangerous than any criminal I’ve met besides my neo nazi military nepotism RWDS cousins.

We’re all disgusting the moment we start to believe that those labels should be taken seriously enough to scratch out and over someone being human.

All I ask is that people are responsible and respectful when interacting with my blog in the present and future. Idgaf about your past unless you want me to, and my care won’t ever amount to agreeing with pro-eugenicist or pro-genocidal rhetoric nor excusing/justifying crimes nor denying that there are social and systemic problems at play that encourage everything and make harmful decisions seem like helpful ones at the time. You know. Etc. The nuances and all of that.

Anyway Ily2, sarcasm or not! Thought crime is fake, and thoughts shouldn’t always be allowed into action! Felons can be good people! People who have dangerous urges or confusion should be able to ask for help without fear of being labeled a criminal and treated like sub trash and losing their lifelong rights over it! People who didn’t have any damn excuse under the sun for their crimes can turn into amazing friends and elders! I know this because I was a child with 2 literal murderers coming in and out of my house like it was the break room for work. Lol

I’m tired + sick + high + losing blood. So, o7 good luck making sense of anything I say. Maybe. Maybe it’s sensical.

#… #🎭👸🏻 #💌 #***not assuming that you’re being ill-mannered nor saying your message is off at all. I’m just used to being told to stfu or that what I say #about society is extreme/offensive/harsh/immoral/immature/weird/‘interesting’/intense LOL🫡💞 #I can’t be annoyed or bothered by that besides ashamed because they’re right that I’m the issue. I don’t know how to change it though 🫠 #long post

[wooahaes]

cover, uncover

pairing: vocalracha & gn!reader

prompt: ghost [private fall prompt list]

word count: 3.2k~

warnings: big death tw both because reader is a ghost in this + depictions of their death are seen/primarily heard through video footage. arguments between two people, jealousy. supernatural occurrences.

daisy’s notes: admittedly the pacing is rushed in this since it’s meant to be part of the october fall-themed drabbles! if this were a proper fic, it’d definitely be a lot longer haha (i was hoping to hit more on like... an indie horror game feel).

All because of one lost bet, Jeongin was stuck going into the abandoned schoolhouse that everyone was pretty damn sure was haunted.

The others had been standing outside after hopping the fence with him, the doors having been broken into years ago and never fixed. With the news that the place would be demolished, no one ever came back to fix the doors. Yet Jeongin, just as everyone else in the area, knew the legends. That machinery would break down whenever demolition was supposed to be started, that there had been “accidents” (non-fatal every time, but accidents nonetheless) caused seemingly by nothing. The land was left alone, the damage costing more than it’d be worth to pursue work, and the school stayed standing.

Better him than someone like Felix, who was already clinging to Minho outside. He had tried to call off the bet, to say that Jeongin didn’t have to go inside. But Jisung had stuck to it, saying that the place wasn’t really haunted. All Jeongin had to do was take a series of pictures of himself with a few stupid things--the skeleton in one of the science rooms, an abandoned easel in the art studio. They’d even joked about finding a way up to the roof, which was securely locked for safety reasons. Stupid shit that was left standing and coated in a thick layer of dust, no doubt. All he had was the flashlight on his phone and a spare charger in his pocket, on the off chance that he’d need it.

It was stupid, and he was admittedly more unnerved than anything being in a building that was completely silent, but Jeongin didn’t believe in ghosts. The psychology classes he’d taken had taught him that the human mind was a powerful thing.

Yet he couldn’t help the scream he let out when someone grabbed at the back of his shirt, whipping around to face Seungmin--who had let go and thrown his hands up to show he wasn’t there to do any harm.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said. “This is stupid and Chan’s pretty sure it’s not actually safe.”

Jeongin, who had seen plenty of broken windows on his way inside, was inclined to agree. “They’re going to call me a coward--”

“They’re going to call you stupid if you get hurt in here,” Seungmin grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him back toward the entrance. “Come on.”

Jeongin sighed in relief. As much as he didn’t want to be called a coward for backing out, there were five pictures he’d need to get and he didn’t even know the full layout of the school--Hyunjin’s map (stolen from somewhere online, Jeongin was sure) was only so helpful. Seungmin started going off about how they shouldn’t have even let him go inside, that they could see broken windows--what if he didn’t notice the broken glass and got injured? And then they’d have to admit to trespassing, and--

Seungmin jostled the double doors leading into the school. “What?”

“They aren’t supposed to lock,” Jeongin reached past him, grabbing the handles and giving a firm tug.

Seungmin opted for banging his fist on the door. “This isn’t funny! Han Jisung!”

The slightest movement caught Jeongin’s eye, papers fluttering. Maybe once they were school announcements, but he drew closer, flashlight held up so he could read: find me. 0/6.

“This is stupid,” Seungmin frowned. “This place isn’t really haunted. What kind of stupid prank--” He jostled the doors again, banging a fist on them once more. “The number isn’t even right.”

Jeongin took slow steps away, staring ahead. If he focused just enough, he could vaguely see a figure standing in the moonlight. He reached back behind him, pawing through the air to get Seungmin’s attention. “There’s someone there--”

In the distance, you watched him for a moment before turning, fading into the moonlight as you walked away. Jeongin called out before he took off running, following after you. He could hear Seungmin yell at him to stop, to come back and try to flag down one of the others with him, but soon could hear his footsteps echoing down the hall as he followed after him. You disappeared through a closed door after looking back, catching Jeongin’s eyes for just a moment.

Jeongin didn’t think: he just pulled open the door, stepping into a classroom. Every desk was coated in a thick layer of dust, except for a few along the sides where he could see someone’s fingers having traced through them. He walked alongside it, pulling up Hyunjin’s map to realize this was one of the rooms. On the teacher’s desk was an assortment of papers, no one knew where from. He went to open his camera, flashlight going off and leaving him to stand there in the moonlight alone as Seungmin walked in. He turned the camera so that he could take a selfie standing in front of the desk.

And then he saw you standing there, rolling your eyes, and he yelped. His phone fell to the ground, Jeongin rushing to scoop it up.

... Had he meant to take a video? The recording button went off after a moment. He could have swore...

“Play it back,” Seungmin crouched next to him on the ground. He watched Jeongin stare at his phone for a second longer before he rolled his eyes, snatching it from his hands and pressing play.

The man in the video was most definitely not Jeongin, even though he had been the one to take the picture--or video, Seungmin couldn’t be sure if it was intentional or ghost-flavored bullshit fucking with the phone. The pair stared at the face of a man with messy hair and tired eyes, who--just as he did--yelped and dropped his phone. Your voice came out clearly from his phone, laughter light and airy. “It’s still just me. Do you really think this place is haunted, Donghyun?”

Donghyun looked nervous as he fumbled with his phone camera. “Ah--You’re so mean... I just got startled. Did you find it?”

“Yeah,” they could hear your footsteps. “Right on top. Just like the legends say. Do you think the ghost was waiting for us? Or--”

“Stop teasing me,” Donghyun groaned. “You aren’t funny--Shit, I’m recording--”

The video cut off there. Seungmin dropped the phone back into Jeongin’s lap as he stood up. “They’re guiding us,” he said. He could see dust being disturbed on a desk.

Smartie, with a heart drawn in right next to it.

He rolled his eyes. He’d heard stories of ghosts before, but usually they were more... malevolent from being wronged. Either you were biding your time before you started throwing shit around, or you weren’t wronged. Nonetheless, you stood at the classroom door, barely visible in the moonlight as you nodded for them to go before walking right out.

“Really? We can’t teleport around like you,” he called back after you. “At least wait for us--”

“You’re really going to follow them?” Jeongin said, rising to his feet. He looked down at his phone, at the video that just... appeared there. “I don’t know if we can help them. What if they’re involved in a crime? We can’t go to the police--”

Seungmin frowned at him, already pulling out his own phone and turning on the flashlight. “They’re not going to let us leave. If you want to go wait by the doors, then give me your charger in case I need it.”

Jeongin’s hand hovered over his pocket for a moment, yet... He shook his head, heading toward the doors. He saw the lost look in your eyes, so distant and hurt. He saw the life in your eyes in that video, heard the way you laughed. Whatever killed you must have hurt more than he’d like to know, but... He wanted to figure it out. If there was a way to help you move on, he would do it.

You stood at the end of the hallway, nothing but a vague outline of a person, but still waiting for him and Seungmin. He watched you clasp your hands together, turning on your heel and disappearing around the corner. Jeongin followed after you, steeling his nerves. You were the scariest thing in the building, truthfully (it probably came with the territory of being a ghost), and yet you hadn’t done him any harm yet. 

You had disappeared at the end of a hallway by a broken window, nodding toward it. You know what to do, your actions said.

So Jeongin pulled out his phone, Seungmin right behind him, and pressed record. This time he was greeted with the sight of Donghyun standing there, staring out the broken window. He furrowed his brows together, leaning forward.

“What?”

“Just thought I saw something.” Donghyun looked back at you. “Why are you recording now? There’s nothing here but me.”

“Exactly!” You giggled. “Which is why I wanted to record you. For the memories, Donghyun... Anyway... We’re supposed to hear back from the company tomorrow, right?”

Jeongin could see the disappointment on Donghyun’s face. “Right...”

“So? Lighten up! They’re going to accept both of us. Even if they don’t,” you extended a hand to Donghyun, pinkie out, “It doesn’t change anything between us. I believe in you, alright?”

Donghyun linked his pinkie with your own, a shy smile on his face. “Fine,” he said. “You’re so childish sometimes...”

“That’s why you love me!” You had laughed again, only to fumble with the camera. The recording cut off shortly after, the sound of you swearing being the last thing Jeongin heard.

Seungmin frowned from behind him, watching where you had once been standing just minutes ago. “It’s obvious, right?”

Jeongin nodded. “But it’s not enough, is it?” Jeongin looked ahead. “There’s more they want us to see.”

Following you was easy. Your ghost lingered around, always waiting to be within their line of sight before you moved on. Yet that next time, they followed you a while--up a set of stairs, deeper into the building. Seungmin reached out, grabbing Jeongin by the wrist to stare out the windows. The other six were just... standing in front of the building. Like they hadn’t heard them pounding on the doors, but it was clear enough that they were discussing something.

“We should hurry,” Seungmin said. “Chan’s probably trying to figure out if they should find a way in or not.”

Jeongin nodded, watching Seungmin make his way forward--to the end of the hall, where you had disappeared into a classroom. “Wait.”

Seungmin stopped, turning back. Behind him, Jeongin could see you peeking back out at the two of them.

“Why was the school shut down?”

He could see it on your face that you knew. The painful way your face contorted, wincing at the question. Jeongin had heard the legends--dramatic things of scorned lovers, or bullying that grew too severe--but... What made it close? It had to be something bigger, right? The building was still standing, and there hadn’t been reports of people going missing--just seeing a ghost. Seeing you, Jeongin suspected.

Seungmin frowned. “Why do you think I’d know? I only know the rumors.” He sighed, turning around. “There was a fight between the teachers that went wrong. That’s the one most people believe.”

“What about--”

“The others sounded fake,” he said, continuing forward. “They’re waiting for us. We should keep going.”

Jeongin hurried after him, watching Seungmin as he entered the classroom--the art room on the second floor. He walked ahead, pointing out the easel at one side of the room.

“That one. It has paint stains on it still.”

So Jeongin raised his phone and hit record, just like before.

“Hey. Donghyun?” You were recording again, this time with your phone held out enough to capture you in the shot. You made a dumb face at the camera, before turning back to face him. “Do you really think those teachers fought?”

He toyed with his sleeves--long enough that they almost hid his fingers entirely--as he looked back at you. “Yes.” He frowned, crossing his arms. “One was bitter and jealous of the other getting a higher position, you know. They say it was an accident. But... It still happened. It sounds too real to not believe.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in ghosts?”

“I don’t. I believe in facts, and there’s no proof that any of the other stuff happened.” Donghyun sighed. “People make up stupid stories all the time. “Scorned lovers” and bullshit... If anything else is real, it’s probably the bullying. You know how high school can be.”

“Right... But we haven’t seen anything else. No offerings for an angry ghost...” You had walked away, looking over the paint-stained easel. “Hey. Donghyun. Paint me like one of your--”

“Shut up.”

The video cut off there with your crackly laughter, and Jeongin looked to Seungmin. Seungmin reached out for his phone, taking it and replaying the video--volume lowered this time. Jeongin almost wanted to jab at the fact that Seungmin, the psychology major, was probably looking for tell-tale signs of what was to come. Like there was some hidden quirk in your face to explain it, or explain Donghyun’s attitude throughout.

“Do you really think he...?” Jeongin didn’t want to say it out loud. But... if you were a ghost, there had to be something keeping you tethered to the world. A sense of being wronged, or things that didn’t get resolved... the simplest one would be that you were murdered, wouldn’t it? That was why you wanted them to ‘find you’, right?

“The cause of most murders are robbery, jealousy, and vengeance. They both look like college students, so I doubt it would be robbery,” Seungmin looked up. Apparently, those criminal justice classes were coming in handy, too. He spoke so casually about it, though, that Jeongin couldn’t help but feel unnerved. He dropped Jeongin’s phone back into his hands, heading out into the hall. “The science room should be on this floor.”

Sure enough, it was: several rooms down, close to the staircase. Despite the chill that traveled down Jeongin’s spine, he followed after Seungmin--sticking as close as he could. You had been benevolent, sure, but now he was getting this feeling that they weren’t alone. The temperature felt like it had dropped, the cold nipping at his fingertips--and with a shaky exhale, Jeongin swore he could see his breath.

The sooner they found everything, the sooner they could get the fuck out.

They barely even opened the door to the science room, skeleton model visible, before Jeongin’s phone reacted again. Donghyun stood in front of you, looking at the model.

“I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me!” You were upset, and Donghyun refused to look at you. “I thought we were close, Donghyun. I wouldn’t have brought it up earlier if I knew--”

“That you’re better than me again? Do you know how many times I hear that from my family? That you’re always so smart and thoughtful and--and that you’re going to do great things?” He turned on his heel to face you, anger sparking in his eyes. “You would only pity me for failing while you went on to succeed again. Congrats on the position,” Donghyun shoved past you, heading down the hall.

“Donghyun?” You sounded hurt. “Lee Donghyun! Calm down and come talk to me--”

Seungmin was already headed down the hallway, toward the same staircase Donghyun was headed towards in the video. Jeongin looked down at his phone, realizing that the video never stopped. You had followed after him, still calling his name as you headed up the stairs--and so Jeongin did the only thing he could and followed your steps. He could see your ghost going through the motions just ahead of him, the rooftop door already open. Seungmin stood outside, looking around before he faced Jeongin.

Seungmin quickly hurried back to him, watching the video. Donghyun stood ahead of you, visibly disgruntled that you had followed him up.

“I didn’t tell you because I’m jealous of you!” He snapped at you. “We’re both equally qualified and yet you always get everything! The scholarship, the job--even our friends like you better than me.”

“Donghyun, that’s not true--”

“It is! You don’t have to keep lying--I know that you’re only around because you pity me.”

You reached out for him, circling round to face Donghyun. Jeongin couldn’t understand why you kept recording--maybe you didn’t realize it. It looked like your phone was stuck in your shirt pocket. You had laid both hands on his upper arms, Donghyun staring at the ground. “Donghyun, you know I love you because you’re sweet. You’re so talented. One job rejection isn’t going to ruin everything. You know that. Come on. Listen to me--Please?”

“Just get away from me!”

 Donghyun had shoved you back toward the railing, the footage glitching for just a second. Even though neither Jeongin or Seungmin could see what happened, they heard the sound of the railing snapping off followed by your scream filling the air. The sound of your impact hitting the ground, the broken gasps for air--Jeongin would never forget that sound.

The footage kept going, recording the clear night sky above. Soon enough, they could hear the doors slam shut as Donghyun approached.

“Oh... Oh shit...” His voice was shaking, eyes wide as he stared at you. He called your name, already sobbing as he dropped to his knees. “Nononono--You weren’t--This wasn’t--”

Jeongin thought his legs were going to give out on him, and Seungmin’s tight grip on his arm brought him back to reality. Donghyun had found his phone, already making a call.

“My--My friend fell off the building--I think they’re dying. Oh fuck--Oh god--”

It wasn’t intentional. You stood before both of them, that same sad look in your eyes. You knew it wasn’t intentional, but... Donghyun had killed you. That much was obvious.

Donghyun had grabbed your phone after he ended the call, realizing that you’d been recording everything. He swore underneath his breath, clearly pressing the button to end the recording--yet it kept going. He turned, throwing your phone as far as he could. Seungmin and Jeongin watched as it landed in the grass, the sound of sirens in the distance piercing the air.

You laid a hand over his phone, screen still visible through your outline. “Please,” you said, voice broken and raspy. And then you pointed out toward where your phone must have fallen. “Please?”

They didn’t know what you wanted, but the two could only nod. You weren’t angry, just... Hurt. Neither of them could blame you. Maybe all you wanted was for someone to know the truth--and maybe for Donghyun to accept responsibility for what he did. Accident or not, it was what killed you.

The two returned to the front doors soon enough, finding them unlocked. Despite the way that Chan started questioning why they stayed inside, the others wondering how they had locked the doors--and why they never answered the missed calls that were just now appearing on their phones, both boys were headed toward the fence. It’d be broken, they were sure, but you had pointed them in this direction.

Seungmin was the one who found your phone, screen cracked and the thing refusing to turn on. He almost wanted to call Donghyun stupid: what if someone had found it anyway? Then he’d still be in trouble.

Neither Seungmin or Jeongin tell the others what happened that night. But they walked away from that building knowing that they would set things right and let you rest.

#wooahaes.fic #skz imagines #skz x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #skz x you #stray kids imagine #skz fics #stray kids fics #vocalracha x reader

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

So I made a post a while back where I was saying sometimes deeply unpleasant, unlikeable, untrustworthy women are abused by men and it doesn’t make them any less victims or the men who abuse them any less monsters. In that same vein, stupid women too can be abused by men.

Some of those men will also be stupid because it doesn’t take much to fool a stupid person. Takes a fair bit more to fool a smart person, though there are a lot of personal factors involved too. Like an extremely intelligent man who seemed to be an extremely intelligent woman’s ideal in every way might not fool a stupid woman because, say, a stellar education, is not her ideal. And what’s more, a relatively intelligent person can still make some pretty stupid decisions.

The point is, “stupid” is used as such a pejorative that the knee-jerk reaction is to reject it. So a woman, with access to a wealth of information of men destroying the lives of their female partners decides to ignore it and go for a traditional-style marriage where she gives up on working independently and gives him complete financial control, only to later find herself as one of those women. That decision was stupid. She wasn’t acting with the best information she had, she chose to ignore it in favour of an ideal and with no safeguards other than those already put in place by feminists before her. It’s not smart. But it also doesn’t mean she deserved it or that she shouldn’t be shown compassion.

A man offering a traditional marriage worked on her because that’s what she wanted. A man offering that to me, I’d tell him to get fucked. But a man matching my ideal in every way? Yeah, I’d go for it. I’d have safeguards, sure. Separate bank accounts, wouldn’t move away to where I don’t know anyone. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be susceptible to psychological manipulation over time.

I’d say in general a woman partnering with a man is ill-advised. And I will die on the hill that it is just not a big deal for some women in one corner of the internet to tell OSA women to just not do it, and the defensiveness shown by some women in radblr towards this is completely unwarranted. I will agree that it’s not helpful to go “nyah nyah!” in response to a woman ending up abused by a male partner.

But then the knee-jerk response is that voluntarily giving up financial independence to a man is somehow not a stupid decision because she wanted an ideal that is often glorified. But is a stupid decision. This isn’t something where she grew up in a community where only those outsider women work but proper women within the community submit to their husbands (though there are plenty of those types of insular communities), this is “why did those silly feminists make us work when we could have just sat at home making crafts?” We know why. The information’s easily accessible. Choosing to give up independence to a man if there any viable options is never a smart decision.

Some victims of abuse are stupid. Because some people in general are stupid. And not all abusers are master manipulators. There’s this tendency to romanticize victims. They’re presented as smart, as kind, as hard-working, as selfless, etc. taken advantage of by a man almost any OSA woman would fall for, and that does describe some victims. It’s usually the ones we hear from. The “face”, if you will. The ones who are easy to sympathize with.

But in reality, there are cowardly victims, there are stupid victims, selfish, lazy, mean victims. Women you wouldn’t like. Women who, if they were in a position of authority, could themselves be abusive. See: women in abusive relationships who also abuse their own children. And there’s everything in between. Stupid women who are kind, selfless, hard-working, and brave. Smart women who are kind, selfless, and hard-working but cowardly. Hard-working women who are brave but mean and selfish, etc..

Abuse is about power. And there is no one personality trait that determines who has the power in a relationship. Men almost always have the physical power, and often have the financial and social power as well. Our society is set up for the latter two, the first is simply biology. It’s not men dying by the thousands each year due to intimate partner violence. There are more women under the poverty line than men as well.

I want you to think of the worst woman you know, and I want you to understand and accept that she could have been, could be, or could become a victim of a man’s abuse, and that it may not be the cause of her own toxic behaviour (though prolonged abuse can definitely cause personality changes in some people) but rather coincidental to it. Now I want you to think of a woman you love, the best woman you know. I want you to understand that if she has been, is currently, or becomes a victim of a man’s abuse, she is not more of a victim than the other woman.

Feminism is for both of them. Women are people--I’d argue better people than men, but still people, and incredibly varied. Patriarchy comes for us all. None of us deserve it. And so I think responding to “haha! dumbass should have known better!” with “she’s not stupid for falling for an ideal!” in spite having access to information that would have told her to have some safeguards is...well-meaning but missing the mark. “Ha ha, that’s what you get for being stupid!” and “No! She’s not stupid!” both rest on the idea that a real victim can’t be stupid or that she (at least somewhat) deserves it if she is.

#feminism #abuse #IPV #intimate partner violence #imperfect victims #stupid women #stupid victims #men's violence against women

[dropintomanga]

RuriDragon - Smashing Down Weird Walls

“Lookitthat. A real high school girl.”

High school is a trying time for many adolescents. While cliques and gossip are things in elementary and junior high school, they become super relevant in high school and more youth start to pay attention to various social cues around them. It’s one of the initial steps into the “real outside world.” Masaoki Shindo’s RuriDragon is a comedic take on high school life for an introverted girl with a very noticeable trait. It does provide some subtle commentary for youth who struggle to fit in or find friends.

The story is about a young girl named Ruri Aoki, who suddenly wakes up with dragon horns on her head. Her mother casually explains to Ruri that she’s half-human and half-dragon. Ruri does cause some attention and breathes fire onto a fellow student by accident. She becomes scared to go to school, but her mother and her classmates all try to encourage her to interact with people despite being a hybrid.

I think this series is a nice change of pace from the regular Shonen Jump titles. This is mostly because of Ruri’s perception of how other people would view her. It’s something that’s very human. We’re all afraid of how other people perceive us. We greatly underestimate how much other people like us. Even if you’re not in high school anymore, we somewhat judge ourselves harshly - re: relationships.

Ruri, like many of us, experiences a “liking gap.” In psychology terms, this means that we really under-value how our friends/partners feel about us. The more shy you were, the more you would feel that you seem awful to them. Another thing is that if we get too wrapped up in our heads about our likability, the more we don’t notice subtle signs from the other person that they don’t mind talking to us. There’s been many studies that explored the “liking gap” and how to shorten it. 

A big key that researchers note is conversation. It’s been noted that communicating with strangers can lead to benefits and may be just as rewarding as talking to friends. But we get so caught up with how to come across to someone and often, we shy away. Sometimes, there’s a good reason to, but I think people would welcome it as long as you’re respectful.

Ruri thinks about her own views of other people after realizing that her school doesn’t mind her being a half-dragon. She almost was willing to become a shut-in after her dragon traits hurt someone. After hanging out with new friends at a Starbucks and having proper conversations with them in Chapter 4, Ruri thinks to herself.

“They’re all so decent. Which I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t put myself out there.”

It helps that Ruri’s mother is an absolute saint who’s willing to get her daughter out there to make relationships. She doesn’t see Ruri as a tragic figure or some weapon waiting to be taken advantage of; she just empowers her any way she can. It’s nice parenting.

We definitely put up walls to protect us from emotional vulnerability. But sometimes, our brain does play tricks on us. They’re usually concerned with our safety to a detriment. Of course, there are people who judge harshly. And will tell you there’s people who are willing to become friendly rather than become enemies. What RuriDragon does say (this is nicely told in Chapter 4 by one of Ruri’s new friends, Kashiro, and also Ruri’s teacher in Chapter 3) is that we’re all stuck in uncertain circumstances despite our differences, so why not make the most of them and get along as best as possible because in the end, we may be all we got. 

And I think that message is a flame worth harnessing that melts down cold walls for a warmth we all could use.

Note: Unfortunately, the series is on indefinite hiatus as of Chapter 6. I still highly suggest to give RuriDragon a read because it feels more like a manga from a non-Jump magazine. I hope Shindo-sensei recovers and/or prioritizes their health because while this manga is great, I would not blame them if they quit They shouldn’t blame themselves for it. I already like Shindo-sensei for trying.

#RuriDragon #relationships #mental health #youth #manga #Shonen Jump #likability

[royallyquestionable]

There can’t be many people in the world who don’t know about Jeffrey Epstein and his friendship with Prince Andrew. There can’t be many people who don’t know about the accusations against Prince Andrew either.

Like many people, I find it infuriating that Andrew hasn’t faced any kind of real questioning. That he has been protected every single step of the way.

For any woman (or man for that matter), thinking about coming forward about sexual abuse, it’s just another situation which proves that it most likely isn’t worth the psychological trauma of being disbelieved and having your name dragged through the mud, while the perpetrator claims that you must have other motives or something wrong with you.

I’m not saying that abuse victims shouldn’t come forward. I’m simply saying that the system makes it feel like they shouldn’t bother. It makes it feel like a losing battle and that those who do find the strength and courage are incredibly brave and strong characters. Even if they don’t think they are, and probably don’t feel as though they are, they are an inspiration for many.

So, like many people, I already knew the story when I watched the Netflix show ‘Scoop’. I’d even watched the BBC interview when it first aired. Yet the show brought home something uncomfortable, which I’d seen the topic of several social media debates.

Why do Princess Beatrice & Eugenia still seem so close to their father? Why do they insist on standing by him?

It can be hard to put ourselves in their shoes but imagine for a moment, as uncomfortable as it might seem that this kind of accusation was lobbied against one of your own parents. A person who you loved and trusted. Someone you thought you knew inside out and felt like a source of strength and safety in your life.

No doubt it would cause hugely uncomfortable feelings of doubt. You wouldn’t be able to help yourself from wondering whether there was truth in it but to accept that there could be would blow apart everything you thought you knew about that person.

It would shake how you viewed everyone else around you if your view of that person had been so wrong. It would create so much self doubt. So perhaps, some people might disregard it and feel that there is no way it would be true.

Especially when you add in the next layer. Something which only somehow hit me while watching the Netflix show. Prince Andrew had taken Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein and Ghislaine Maxwell along to Princess Beatrice’s 18th birthday party. A party which was no doubt filled with lots of young women.

So many Andrew defenders will say “innocent until proven guilty” but even if (and that’s a very big IF) he is innocent, it seems highly unlikely that he didn’t know about his friends penchant for young girls. He took the wolves right into the centre of a field full of prey. Prey that was his daughters and their friends.

That is a huge amount for any young woman to reckon with. Someone who they probably viewed as their rock and their safety net had in fact used them in such a vile way.

They should be angry. They should be furious. They should probably want to get as far away from him as they possibly can. But life isn’t that simple. Feelings aren’t that simple. Before any of that can happen, first they’d have to accept it and like many victims, that takes a lot of time and soul searching.

How many victims of sexual abuse don’t come forward to begin with because they spend so much time hating themselves first? Blaming themselves in some way? Finding it too much to admit to? Some never get past that and never come forward.

My take away from this show is that Beatrice & Eugenie are victims too. Perhaps not ever having hands laid upon them, but victims nonetheless.

#opinions #princess beatrice #princess eugenie #prince andrew #netflix #british royal family

[goggles-mcgee]

FUCK FREUD CLUB SHENANIGANS because I didn't think people would enjoy my little idea so much and I have more to share!

• Harley who may have been drinking a bit: "I gotta admit Brucie babe, I, like many of our classmates, had a little crush on you!"

Jonathan who was getting more comfortable without wearing his Scarecrow hood, also who has been drinking too: "Confession, I also had a crush on you Wayne."

Bruce, now blushing and wondering if he made the Sangria too strong for this week's club meeting: "Well I'm flattered. If we're being honest here, I did have a crush on you Crane after you went off on Professor Kingsley when he said Freud was a genius."

Jonathan, now also slightly blushing: "Stop Mister Wayne or the media will somehow get wind of that and it'll be the new scandal."

Harley: "Speaking of scandal! Have you guys heard about the latest fight Pengy and Riddler had? I heard they legit got into a fight in front of the Bat!"

Sometimes their club meetings turns into gossip sharing.

• Harley bursting into Bruce's Study with Jonathan right behind her: "You're being played by George Clooney!?"

Jonathan: "You agreed to be the secret identity of Batman!?"

Bruce who was plotting Jason's second funeral and Tim's first: "My son's forged my signature on those papers. Then the other's heard about it and got so excited and I couldn't back out! Especially after Cass made me a card! She made me a card!"

Harley: "Pushover."

Jonathan: "People pleaser."

Bruce with his head in his hands: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze....Uma Thurman is Poison Ivy....Should I be worried that they'll attack me more after the movie?"

Harley now super excited: "They're in the movie!?"

• Jonathan standing next to a white board as he hosts this week's club meeting: "Today's club meeting will start off with our absolute favorite thing we hate about Freud. After that Harley has designed a Family Feud style game where Bruce, you and I will go against each other and guess Freud's stupidest idea's and studies based off Harley's questions. Winner takes home the homemade Fuck Freud Trophy which is a golden hand giving off the middle finger."

Bruce and Harley lifting up their hands in unison and solemnly flipping off a picture of Freud: "Fuck Freud."

• Bruce being held "hostage" by Two-Face before looking at the clock: "Oh shit. Harv? Can we like, reschedule this? I have a club meeting and I'm in charge of snacks this week."

Two-Face: "You...want to reschedule a hostage situation? For a club?"

Bruce, completely serious: "Yes."

• Harley got them Letterman jackets for the club, of course personalized. Jon even got them mugs for the club. Bruce caved and got them pens and pins made for the club.

His kids do not understand why he goes along with the club but they have also never seen their dad so normal and happy.

Clark gets jealous.

• Bruce walking in late to a club meeting with Starbucks for everybody: "You would not believe the nightmare I had last night."

Jonathan already pulling out a clipboard and pen: "Tell us all about it."

Harley coughing to hide her chuckles: "Yes tell the dream psychologist that has a nightmare kink all about your scary dream."

Jonathan who is blushing now, is it in anger? Is it in embarrassment? Who knows: "One class! One dream psychology class! And I do not have a fear kink!"

Bruce finally taking his seat: "Denial. Interesting. Now let's acknowledge the fact that Harley said you had a nightmare kink not fear kink. Do you want to discuss that further Mr. Crane?"

Jonathan throwing a pen at Bruce: "We were talking about you not me Rich Boy!"

Bruce and Harley cackling.

• Jonathan and Harley are still villains but they kind of start to edge into the anti-hero stage of things. Nobody knows why expect Bruce and he's so proud.

• They actually call each other on their bad days. Harley yelled at Bruce about being more open with his kids and he actually really took it to heart. Jon got collectively yelled at about his self esteem issues and taking better care of himself because no Jon, a human can't just survive off corn and sweet tea. Harley had a tough love session when Bruce and Jon had to tell her just how bad Joker was to her and yeah she realized that but she shouldn't be afraid to get into a relationship with someone just because of that past toxic relationship.

• Bruce's kids actually start to get comfortable with Harley and Jonathan being around the house from time to time. It's still weird to them but they see first hand the changes that all three are going through.

• Bruce babysits Lou and Bud for Harley whenever she needs him too or if she gets in trouble and is sent to Arkham. Damian loves helping out with them.

• Batman may or may not have taken the long way to the university when he heard Scarecrow took over the Psych 101 class because the teacher was obviously incompetent Bats. He was teaching young impressionable minds!

• Bruce admits to them that he hates the whole 'Playboy Billionaire' role he used to play and can't seem to escape from. Especially because he's a dad now, it's not like he can really afford to be a playboy.

• Harley insists on teaching Bruce how to fight because she can't believe how often he gets himself into bad situations.

Jonathan agrees about this and even gives Bruce some of his Fear Toxin in case he ever has to use it in defense to get away from anyone. He even put it in a pepper spray-like bottle so it would go unnoticed.

I have so much more headcanons but here are a few XD

Enjoy

#dc comics #batman rogues #batman comics #bruce wayne #harleen quinzel #harley bruce and john brotp #harley quinn #dc harley quinn #jonathan crane #scarecrow #dc scarecrow #med school brotp #gotham shenanigans #batman headcanon #the fuck freud club #official fuck freud club

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

Divide and Conquer

Ok, I'm clearly on some sort of mean boy streak here, between the Eddie fic I posted and this one. But come on, who's a better mean boy than Jay?

Pairing: Jay White x OFC

Word count: 2,700

Content advisory: graphic sexual content, behavior that some people might find disturbing

It shouldn’t surprise you at all but you’re still dumbfounded. Almost ten years. A Bullet Club founding father. The one bit of continuity in Japan as the group devoured leader after leader and yet there was Tama Tonga, laid out in the middle of the ring, an easy pin for the Good Brothers, laid out by the leader of his own group, the guy he had helped bring into the fold. Jay White, the consummate bastard. Everything the guy touched turned to shit. Why should Bullet Club be any different?

You’ve been trying to ignore him and his poisonous influence ever since it had ceased to play a part in your everyday life. When he’d arrived at Impact, looking for a fight with David Finlay, he’d needed someone to have his back and so he’d recruited your then-boyfriend, Chris Bey. Things had been going well with Chris, or so you thought. It had been chill. It had been fun. Things had progressed to the point where you’d exchanged apartment keys. But as soon as the Switchblade made his entrance, it was like Chris suddenly had no attention to spare for anyone else.

Sure, it must have been flattering for him to be chosen but any idiot could have seen that Jay had just made an appraisal of the available talent, seen that Chris was at the top of the pile, and that he was a little insecure about where he fit in Impact. Jay had wanted a warm body to shield him from his enemies, nothing more. Towards the end, when things had really gone to shit, you’d been stupid enough to say that to Chris’s face and that was how things had ended.

“You’re smarter than this! You’re better than this! This asshole is going to drop you the way he drops everybody and you’re too starstruck to see it!”

Nope, Chris had not been ready to hear any of that.

Which somehow makes it incredibly depressing as you watch him celebrate with Jay and the Good Brothers.

He’ll do the same thing to you, you complete idiot.

But even if you said it out loud, he wouldn’t hear you. Even if you shouted it into his face, he wouldn’t hear you. Such is the power of Jay White. His desperate need to be adored makes less self-centered people to adore him.

He’d moved on Chris like you were his rival, acting annoyed when you’d want to spend time alone, making sure to point out every time a beautiful woman gave Chris the eye, so he’d know he had options, implying that having a relationship was splitting his focus and limiting his potential. At first, you’d let it slide, figuring that Chris would see right through it. By the time you’d started to object, it was too late. Your boyfriend was gone, at least on the inside. He continued to half-ass the role for another month or two before you’d had your final blowup. You’d thrown his keys at his feet and stormed dramatically away and it had taken you two days to remember that you hadn’t gotten yours back from him. You’d tried texting him to get them back, then tried confronting him at work, until he finally just spat that he didn’t know where your keys were and that he wanted you to leave him alone.

Those were the last words that had passed between you. He didn’t even say hello if he passed you in the hall. Then again, he’s so far up Jay’s ass these days, you doubt he can see you.

It does occur to you to wait for him to come backstage. Your match for the night is done, you don’t need to worry about keeping yourself in good psychological shape. Maybe it would be worth one last, desperate appeal to his humanity, maybe you could reach out and retrieve something of the man you’d liked so much. But as he strolls up the ramp with his new gang, you catch a look at his dark eyes and it’s like you don’t even know who that is anymore. It breaks your heart but there’s nothing you can do.

So you retreat to catering and chat with Jordynne and Mickie for a while, taking some encouragement from the fact that Mickie keeps hinting that you should be next in line for a shot at her title. You’re not sure you’re that high up in the pecking order yet but it’s incredibly flattering to hear. It is possible to be really impressed with someone and humbled by their attention without falling under their spell like you’re in some sort of cult, you reassure yourself. You’re doing it right now and Mickie James has been proving herself for a hell of a lot longer than Jay White.

You hang around after the other women leave, playing with a napkin and ruminating over the fact that the son of a bitch has run through your life like a bus through a crowded intersection. You were collateral damage. You were a potential threat to his totally dominating Chris and he dispatched you like you were nothing. And on some level, that means you were nothing, because if Chris had had any deeper feelings for you, he would have fought to keep you, at least for a little while.

The worst part is that there is a little corner of your soul that is hurt that Jay never saw any use for you. He never saw any value in recruiting both of you to the Club. And that truly makes you feel like nothing.

It’s late by the time you drag yourself back to the hotel and although there are others gathered for a post-show party, you head straight to your room and crawl into bed. Everything hurts.

*

Getting home is more of a hassle than you’d anticipated because you’re bumped from your flight onto one that forces you to make a stopover that ends up being three and a half hours long. When you arrive, your luggage goes missing and although they’re eventually able to locate it, that takes another two hours, meaning that by the time you get to your apartment, it’s been a seven-hour day of discomfort and frustration. Never in your life have you been as aggravated that you live in a building without an elevator.

You trudge up the stairs and into your apartment, drop your bags and immediately scream.

There, sitting in your favorite comfy chair, looking like he owns the place, is Jay White.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you rage, kicking the door shut with force.

“I didn’t think it was good that Chris had your keys and could just go running back to you at any moment, so I pinched them a while back,” he smirks. “I’d totally forgotten but I figured I should return them.”

“Get the hell out.”

“You look tired. Guess you had to take the long route. Not me. Flew first class.”

“If you’re not gone in thirty seconds, I’m calling the police. I’m sure they’ll send only the best squad car to haul your creepy ass to jail.”

He laughs and rises to his feet, approaching you like he has some sort of malevolent plan.

“You sure were hanging close to the entrance on Saturday night. You must have had a great view of everything. Lucky the camera didn’t catch your sad little face staring at us so longingly. Did you wish you could have been part of the big moment of the night? It was all over social media after. I didn’t see anyone mentioning your match, though.”

He comes to a halt in front of you and gives you the unkindest smile you’ve ever seen.

“Guess I pushed you out of the spotlight again, didn’t I?”

Your hand flies at his face before you even realize what you’re doing, the impact making a satisfying crack and a red mark on his cheek. But it doesn’t faze him. He just laughs a little.

“You’ve had your fun,” you snarl, trying not to feel embarrassed at how your composure has broken down, “now go.”

“No, I don’t think I will.”

He looms over you, hovering like a static cloud that confuses all your systems. You can feel those piercing eyes bearing down on you but you can’t bring yourself to look into them. It’s like you’re suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of shame for no good reason.

“Come sit down, let’s have a talk,” he purrs, taking one of your hands loosely in his.

The prick is inviting you to come and sit down in your own apartment, on furniture that you paid for. But you don’t say anything, you just let him lead you over to the sofa and guide you where he wants you before he sits down next to you. He’s still holding on to your hand, turning it over and running his fingers over the inside of your wrist. With a cryptic little smile, he raises it to his lips, his grip tightening only when he feels you flinch.

“What are you doing?” you choke, your whole body going tense.

“Well, now that Chris is settled in where he needs to be, I don’t see any reason why the two of us shouldn’t enjoy each other’s company.”

“Chris left me because you basically made him choose between working with you and having a relationship.”

“Yes,” he chuckles, “I suppose I did. But I think the two of you are much more interesting separately than together. He can be the partner I need around the ring and you…”

He leans in, pressing his face close to your ear before he continues.

“There are lots of things I want to do with you that he was just going to make difficult.”

You twist your head but you don’t pull away, not like you should. He’s earned another slap but you don’t do that either. You just look down at the floor and try to keep from breathing too rapidly. He remains silent for a few minutes before taking your face firmly in one hand and forcing you to look at him.

“You said it yourself: he left you. You’re a single woman now and there’s no reason you shouldn’t move on. No reason you shouldn’t move up.”

“You can’t be serious. You destroyed my relationship and now you’re saying you want to fuck me?”

“One did necessitate the other.”

“Why would you even think that was remotely acceptable? Why didn’t you just leave things alone?”

“Because leaving things alone wouldn’t have gotten me what I want.”

There’s a sociopathic clarity to his voice and to what he’s saying. Why would he have let people be happy if their happiness was standing in the way of him having whatever he wanted?

He leans back a little and removes his shirt, tossing it aside like he belongs here, and crooks a finger at you. It’s not like you haven’t seen his body before, you’ve seen it on a weekly basis, but it still takes your breath away how perfectly chiseled everything is, like he’s some sort of ancient god brought to life.

“Kiss me,” he orders.

“No.”

You can feel something stirring in your core and you hope to god that he can’t pick up on it. The expression on his face makes you think he can but it’s also possible he’s just so used to being desired that he can’t envision any other reaction. He runs a hand between his legs and you can see the outline of his cock start to protrude from his pants.

He just stares at you, gently palming his cock and smiling in a knowing, infuriating way.

“I can wait as long as I need to. But I’m guessing that you haven’t had any since your breakup and that you’re feeling a lot more deprived than I am. I’ll bet you’re thinking right now about what I could do to you. And I’ll bet that if Chris walked in here right now and asked you to come back, it’s still my dick you’d end up sucking.”

“Be quiet you insufferable son of a bitch.”

He spreads his arms wide and thrusts his chin towards you. “Come get yourself something. No one has to know.”

You feel your strength ebbing. He’s right, you haven’t been with anyone since Chris and you have been getting edgier by the day. Worse, the temptation of that perfect body, attached though it is to the most arrogant man you’ve ever met in your life, is eating you alive. His expression turns knowing.

“The sooner you get over here, the longer we get to play tonight.”

It’s like your body moves and leaves your brain on the cushion behind you. Before you know it, you’re on his lap, lips passionately engaged with his while you grind against him, mewling in want as you feel him growing harder in response.

“Get your clothes off.”

You do as he tells you, feeling a little self-conscious, like you’re not nearly beautiful enough to be fucking someone like him. He slides his pants off, confirming that all of him is as beautiful as the parts you’ve seen. It makes you gasp and he smirks.

“Let’s have a quick one to start,” he whispers, pulling you back onto his lap.

His thumb immediately connects with your clit, moving in slow, delicious circles, making you moan and grind into his hand to increase the speed and friction. Within minutes, he has you so wet that it’s almost difficult for you to stay in place. His cock is slathered with your juices and the heat in you is still increasing.

So you raise your hips enough that you can settle onto him, the sensation of being stretched out again after a dry spell making you moan even louder.

“Oh god, Jay.”

“That’s it, say my name.”

He rubs you harder and you can feel the aura of your approaching orgasm, so close that you can’t help but beg him to finish you off. You scream as he does, the sensation of your body erupting from the inside out ripping through you. He doesn’t give you a second to recover, though, slamming his hips up into you, chasing his own pleasure.

“How does it feel,” he grunts, “riding the man you’ve been hating so much, knowing he’s going to come inside you?”

You grimace but you don’t stop moving. You can’t. As much of a soulless monster as he is, you want to feel him come, you want to please him.

You have to grab his shoulders tightly as he thrusts hard into you a final few times before you feel him release, his grip on your hips finally relaxing a little.

“Why don’t you get us some water while we recover for a few minutes?” he pants.

And once again, you do as you’re told, retrieving a couple of bottles from the refrigerator. He gives you a sly smile as he takes one of them, running it along the inside of your thighs. He laughs when the cold sensation on your heated skin makes you jump.

“Figured you needed some relief,” he smirks, pressing the bottle against your pussy, rocking it back and forth until you twist away, unable to handle any further stimulation. Then he grabs your wrist, opening the bottle with his mouth and downing half of it in one gulp.

“Take a seat.” He guides you back onto his lap and pours the rest of his water over your body, laughing as you scream and try to escape.

His tongue moves over your skin until he feels you relax again.

“What would people say if they knew you’d fucked me like a possessed woman? Or that you’re going to take me to your bedroom in a few minutes and let me do whatever else I want to you?”

“No one is going to find out about this,” you grumble, unable to look him in the eye.

He grabs a handful of your hair and forces you to face him.

“Not for now,” he hisses.

#wrestling fanfiction #njpw fanfic #njpw imagine #jay white imagine #jay white fanfic #wayward wrestle writing

[adamworu]

The Subtle Horror of Evangelion

What keeps us all hooked to Eva time and time again? You get through your initial, confused watch of either Evangelion endgame, probably sometime in your adolescence wondering what the hell it is you just watched. The original source material is suffused with unsettling imagery, and sometimes too-close-for-comfort shorts. It’s so much to process that one watch is never enough. The imagery isn’t enough, however, because the mid-to-late-90s series comes with things you’ll pick up the more you focus on certain characters’ struggles or the interesting world-building. They arise little by little with every re-watch, adding onto what interested you in Eva to begin with.

There’s always that little voice asking you “What it is that really draws me here?”

Oh. The horrors.

The tragedy of it all.  

These things never leave you the second you bear witness to them, whether you become aware of them or not. You’re disturbed over it, a tad worried, no doubt, but you’re strangely hooked.

Horror works better on limitation, it’s why found footage capturing pale, ghastly, monstrosities of the deep wood will always stand as exponentially terrifying. While most all of us have taken cracks at Eva’s budget at some point, that’s what really drives these terrors home. Its low budget nature made it work.

Evangelion has commentary which forces a viewer to reflect. Most no one enjoys that. It’s the fear, however, that has its audience come back. Evangelion’s reflection alone isn’t what gives Eva it’s charm decades after its run. It’s the little things, most everyone misses, the anxieties, the terrors, all of it. Most of those things, fly over a lot of fans’ heads.

Buckle up, there’s a lot to go through…. (warning for mentions of abuse, body horror, means of suicide, nudity, blood, and gore)

Table of Contents

I. Icebergs for Dummies

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji is the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XXI. Conclusion

I. Icebergs for Dummies

For those unaware, the iceberg image illustrates that things are much deeper than they appear, just like an actual iceberg. You’ve probably seen this selfsame iceberg--- separated by tiers--- a few times looking through late night internet rabbit holes (Putting it out in the open: I’m personally guilty of this!), fictional or non. It helps you understand why you’re so enticed to certain material, that you’d revisit them. The highest parts of the iceberg are the things in the material most everyone knows, the surface level stuff. The lower you go, however, the lesser known the parts of the material are. These are the things the person are aware of.

Eva has some iceberg illustrations if you look around, albeit they don’t go through the more saddening, sometimes graphic factors of Eva, only theories navigating through Eva’s universe. Evangelion is so deceptively packed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subtleties that if an iceberg were centered on that, the diagram would be packed. And I’m being generous as I write this.

A few ground rules, before we begin: The iceberg will deal with the more obscure and dark material as the tiers get higher rather than it only being relegated to obscure bits. The lower the tier, the higher the iceberg and the more subtler the anxieties which graduate into horrors the deeper you go.

Yes, Evangelion is occasionally horrifying. No, Evangelion is not lovecraftian. I think people use the term lovecraftian way too freely. It’s not enough to see something with (sometimes too many) limbs twisted in ungodly angles. Or legs where legs shouldn’t be. The same applies for creatures assuming forms we don’t entirely comprehend. Eva has never delved into the angels being incomprehensibly terrifying specifically because they come from a cosmic expanse.

Some of these actual horrors, big and small,  hit you after adolescence, something that makes you feel deeply for the characters’ dilemmas. It’s a feeling that grows and sometimes aches, rather than fades over time for many of us.

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji As the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

Evangelion has its hand in so many psychological and philosophical cookie jars, from Freud, to Maslow, Johari, as well as Dostoevsky. The very tip of the Subtle Horrors of Evangelion Iceberg is something viewers are introduced to in the fourth episode of the series. It is one of the many psychological concepts dotted throughout the original show. Out of all those psychological concepts, this is the most explicit and most recurring.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes the conundrum of two hedgehogs. The closer two hedgehogs become to one another, the more they harm each other with their spines. If you want to properly live, you need the closeness and intimacy of others. By allowing yourself to be close, however, you end up at great risk of being hurt. It’s the very reason what drives those who live to become guarded. Being perpetually apprehensive or building up walls isn’t a remedy for pains, however. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma isn’t just about why people become guarded after relationships ended on bad notes. It’s about the overall inevitability of pain.

Life is a continual push-pull of relationships, because we’re all creatures of comfort. We guard ourselves to varying degrees and sometimes even tell ourselves we won’t get close again, but personal comfort is one of our most ultimate drives.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma not only describes that harm happens to us anyway, but illustrates that because comfort is universal we seek companionship regardless.

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

The AT-Field is the most crucial rabbit hole in understanding the largest meta-narrative of Evangelion.

If Hedgehog’s Dilemma explains the what and the why people become more or less guarded, then AT-Fields explain the how. People build up walls around themselves all the time. You walk away from someone because they crack a smile at you... and it seems off.

Because you feel an anxious pang.

That’s an AT Field.

AT-Fields, or Absolute Terror Fields bear a few metaphors, one of which being boundaries. You see it as Shinji’s fear of becoming intimate, knowing the future implications or Asuka’s masculine protest (putting up a front). We can see an excellent example of the AT Field used by Asuka, her “Wall of Jericho” in episode 9.

You also see it manifested through the angels, the strange creatures in Eva who supposedly desire to merge with Adam, their mother. Seeing this in the angels makes you realize that the AT Field is actually a metaphor for boundaries which implicates us all. In episode 22, Arael, 15th angel, seeks to understand Asuka. The angel uses its AT-Field (a beam of light) no, its boundary, to breach Asuka’s boundaries. 

AT-Fields can be used to not only build up personal walls but to breach them as well. The irony of Arael’s action is that Arael’s AT-Field being erected while it floats just over Earth’s gravitational field makes it immensely similar to the Second Child; they’re both guarded.

The AT-Field is a funny sort of thing because it also sometimes explains how two people who are so alike can be guarded from one another. Sometimes you gain contempt for someone because they’re too much like your least favorable traits. You see this with Shinji and Asuka, both children without their mother desiring validation. Shinji calls Asuka a child midway into episode 9 and Asuka isn’t shy on voicing ideas of Shinji as dense or immature. They’re throwing stones in glass houses.

AT Fields are used to get the user out of dangers both physical and perceived. Sachiel, 3rd angel in the original series’ pilot episode, uses its AT-Field, in the form of flotation, to get itself from enemy fire. It never shows this until it is attacked first.

AT Fields are also responsible for one’s identity and physicality in Eva. Without the AT Field you don’t really exist. When Rei assumes the form of the person the character being cast into Instrumentality loved most in End of Evangelion, she’s causing the character to give up their AT Field. With that gone, they lose their physicality, turning into LCL (given the lovely term ‘tanged’ by fans). The ‘tanged’ individual suffers metaphorical death. Evangelion argues that in order for one to exist, others must perceive you and you must perceive you, a point best illustrated in episode 16. Since everyone is converted to LCL, no one really ‘exists.’ Rei describes this unnerving state as the inability of differentiating who you are and others, since everyone lacks a physical state without AT-Fields. Metaphorical death can be argued as worse than physical, since we all exist to make an impression of some sort. It’s what ties all the Eva cast together and the cause of their dilemmas. Validation. You can be living, yet very much forgotten or simply unknown.

There is living and there is “living.”

You can’t “die” unless someone knows you. You were never there. AT Fields are the thing that make us live, but as a drawback, prevents us from understanding each other fully. Kaworu states in episode 24 that AT Fields are the wall of the mind and the heart of the soul, an unapproachable piece of sanctuary. When all else is taken from us, all we have left is our place of respite.

I’d also like to pitch the saddening reality that the AT-Fields are what prevent us from understanding angels as a whole, our genetic siblings as scared of this world as we are. The psychological angels want to understand us, that much is true. The angels, however, use forms of communication at the expense of our boundaries. Because people greatly value boundaries it makes it hard for us to comprehend angels. The creatures are hardly malicious when you realize they wonder why we all do things that actually hurt us, as well as the fact that they do understand our minds. But, because they breach our boundaries, we become even more wary of the (mostly) unknown. Angels may be us, but the strange forms they take are something we aren’t familiar with. The feeling is mutual with angels, wondering why there are many of us, our forms and outward appearances so identical. It’s a truth as old as time that we all fear the unknown.

The anxiety of an AT Field means comprehending that there’s very little chance to 100% get others. Because we’re all wary in some degree, because we’re set in an idea or perception of someone, even if the someone in the past no longer applies. It’s not healthy for you to continue dwelling on relationships not meant to be, keeping yourself up at night asking why, because both of you have closed off each other for good. There’s always that chance the other can come back and if they do seek to understand despite past hardships, that’s good. If they don’t, all you can do is move on and accept it.

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

Kensuke is one of Shinji’s classmates, a supporting player in the series. He’s close with Toji Suzuhara, a boy who takes his anger on Shinji, after finding out that his sister has been injured during Shinji’s fight with 3rd angel Sachiel. As Suzuhara beats him down, Kensuke downplays the incident. Kensuke’s and Toji’s relationship is particularly interesting because the latter is affected to some degree by war (the war by humanity to prevent our destruction by angels). Kensuke glorifies the sentient, implicitly eldritch, multi-armored war-machines.

Kensuke can be best described as the ‘wow, cool robots’ drawing you’ve probably seen floating around. This is in relation to Gundam’s war commentary, but replace Gundam with Eva. Kensuke is enamored with the Evangelions and totally, willfully ignorant to the war horrors. Adolescents are forced to be the salvation of humanity, feeling every bit of damage to their own bodies whenever the Evangelion takes any hurt. Even after the war for humanity is long over, the pilots will be afflicted with traumas that will always hang over them.

Kensuke’s glorification is also what draws him to be Shinji’s friend. He uses Shinji’s status as a way of becoming a pilot himself by meeting up with Misato, putting himself at the cockpit of a strange creature magnificent machine.

When Toji becomes hospitalized after his battle in a hijacked Unit-03 vs. A Dummy System-controlled Unit-01, Kensuke expresses discontent at not being a pilot. He’s annoyed because “everyone” but him is a pilot.

Thing is, Kensuke isn’t heartless, just ignorant. Idealism is one of the uglier things that runs thick in the heart of Evangelion. His is one of many cases of unhealthy idealism in Eva, another example of making it difficult for those living to understand one another.

V. Shinji as the Audience Surrogate

Shinji as the audience surrogate isn’t always touched up on, but is sort of understood subconsciously by a lot of the viewers. Shinji’s character is specific, yet so generalized that him being a surrogate for the audience just… works. Don’t believe me? Shinji gets two psychological exploration-based episodes whereas Asuka and Rei each have one. Episodes 16 and 24 are both psychological angel episodes, albeit the latter is more in-series subversive. The 24th episode doesn’t involve a breach of subconscious boundary, but the pilot (Shinji) is in the hot-seat, being made aware of their issues. Leliel, 12th angel, contacts Shinji in the former of these. Both characters talk to one another, shown as a series of horizontal lines and vertical lines, sometimes intersecting. These lines are a strong reference to the Johari Window, a tool in psychology which helps someone become more aware of themselves. The Window’s quadrants are as follows

1. the part known to the self

2. the part known to others

3. the part known to the self and others

4. the part known to no one

Leliel also states that the self only exists of one perceives themselves as well as others. The angel also states that Shinji could better his reality, to which Shinji absolves himself of responsibility by arguing the horrible state of his reality. It’s a subtle pushing to Shinji and by extension the viewer into free will. Kaworu builds up on these concepts with Eva’s in-universe concept for boundaries. Free Will versus Determinism is brought up here, with the idea that AT-Fields are brought up because the living (again, not people – emotional complexities aren’t only human) will them into existence. By exercising free will, it means enduring pain, one of Shinji’s, and again the audience’s greatest fears. Any relationship has pains and conflicts. This is all a buildup of free will, determinism, self-awareness, and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. Understanding all of these means swallowing the “pain is inevitable” pill. The problem with much of us is that we like the idea of relationships rather than being in one. We want to feel validated but without the conflict, even if the conflict can be solved. We’re all Shinji because we’re all aware to life’s hellish catch-22s, so we run. There’s times in our lives where we run as far as possible from these woes, these truths, but there’s pain in running too. It’s why escapism seems like such a viable action for some of us.

Pain is inevitable, but pain can be mitigated.

More damning evidence to Shinji being a viewer stand-in lies in either endgame of Evangelion (pun intended). In EoE, after the Komm Susser Tod sequence of everyone on Earth being tanged, we’re treated to a shot of EoE’s live audience.

We hear Shinji’s voice about his reality while he talks to Rei toward EoE’s end. There are shots of the city, of people going about their daily lives cementing that this is about us. End of Evangelion shows us a less favorable side of Shinji, a departure from the lauded end series “Congratulations” scene, in which he does understand free will rather than perpetually dwell on negatives. Shinji reacts unfavorably toward Asuka in EoE after his mother’s speech to the audience that ‘anywhere can be paradise’ and Shinji stating he doesn’t know where his happiness resides. Shinji (We) still has a ways to go if he wants to be a better person.

It’s probably why many of us are either inclined to champion Shinji or harangue him, and either reaction is fair. Many of us are aware of audience surrogates, but never to this extent. Shinji isn’t his best person, but he can be. Being his best means self-reflection. Droves of people who first were exposed to Evangelion were teens, and again many of Shinji’s woes are specific yet so generalized, hence our feelings of defense and possibly disgust.

No one likes scathing, yet accurate call-outs on their person, but they’re paramount for us to understand ourselves and others.

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

One of the worst things recurring in all of original Evangelion is a bevvy of abuses.

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and it’s many characters’ realities. Abuse happens not because the universe ‘wills it’ (determinism aka, ‘that’s just how people are’). Abuse, be it conscious emotional absence, actual neglect, among other ungodly acts fly though the cast.

Abuse is cyclical and a lot of those doing it often get away with murder because they have power.

Much of Eva is comprised of children being forced to sort through adults’ emotional baggage. Those children become adults and the cycle continues.

We all know a Gendo. Or even perhaps a Misato. Hell, even a Ritsuko.

Anno states that Gendo’s character is of a societal meta-text, which explains many viewers’ ire in relation to the character.  He’s responsible for many of the seedy goings-on in Evangelion be it the financial (see: Jet Alone’s orchestrated out-of-control nature to give NERV more funding) or abuses (see: Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and, Naoko). It’s for this reason why Gendo’s actions are a sore spot for a lot of fans.

Anno: I’m not sure that it’s a real father [that Gendo represents]. Well, not a father in the sense of a parent with a blood relation to his child, but more, I think, [in the sense of being] a representative of society or the system. That’s why he has that expression.

Takekuma: So, he’s kind of amorphous.

Anno: The angels are the same. I made them appear amorphous in that way because, for me, society is unclear, the enemy is unclear.

Takekuma: Gendo is [a representation of] the boundries or the pressure of society itself.

Anno: That might be it. Perhaps Gendo is [a representation of] society itself.

http://wiki.evageeks.org/Statements_by_Evangelion_Staff

After many re-watches of certain Eva episodes, it just hit me, as I’m writing this why I’m sometimes apprehensive on an adult-exclusive lens of the show. This happens a lot in adolescence and our struggles are made trivial because of the mishandled baggage. As children, you’re meant to be subservient to parental whims. You have this sort of obligation to solve their problems. Give them closure. It doesn’t even need to be parental baggage, but just from adults in general. You see the way the adults act not just with the children but with each other. You see the way Gendo justifies neglecting Shinji, objectifying Naoko and Ritsuko or Naoko’s emotional absences as a mother to her daughter (also manifested through the MAGI). It’s these immature excuses as to why they can’t extend empathy to those around them.

It’s always excuses.

Eva’s original series has always been a show about children.

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

The Elevator Scene is a sequence that sometimes gets glossed over due to Evangelion’s fleeting budget.  It took me years to realize the true gravity of the awkward silence of both the 22nd episode and its Director’s Cut version. The Director’s Cut version has Asuka abruptly jerking in the silence,  but that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment speaks volumes. Understanding the scene means understanding why Asuka quietly stews in her anger. Understanding why Asuka stews means understanding Asuka from her debut to her emotional breakdown.

Asuka’s appearance in the 8th episode, Asuka Strikes!, is marked by a bold persona that carries on until the end. She isn’t shy on imparting her prowess to Shinji, stating that Units 00 as well as 01 were the prototype and the test type, respectively. Her Evangelion, Unit-02 is the finished product. She even states that she graduated from university. Despite these impressive feats so early in adolescence, the only time in which they’re noted is when Asuka talks of them. Misato takes in both Shinji and Asuka, but only ever “dotes” on Shinji. Gendo pays attention to Shinji because he pilots Unit-01, and 01 contains the soul of his late wife. Rei is the clone of Gendo’s late wife, hence Gendo’s attention and overall creepy, selfish obsession with her. Asuka and Shinji’s relationship, with Misato as their caretaker strongly mimics a Golden Child and the Second Fiddle. The only difference is, Shinji gains more attention due to Gendo’s and Misato’s respective baggage. Again, Eva is a series where children are forced to handle the baggage (with no break in the cycle) and when the child doesn’t have anything the adult particularly can clue in on, they become neglected.

That’s Asuka’s dilemma.

It’s why Asuka forces herself to grow up.

It’s why Asuka is driven to be competitive to Shinji and Rei, later growing contemptible at both.

Asuka suffers a few curses, one of which being the youngest, the inevitability of being consciously sidelined dawns on her, leading to her selfsame breakdown toward series’ end. She aligns youth with trivialization, so naturally, she’d front with the opposite. She never gets help in relation to her period. Misato and Ritsuko realize something is up with Asuka but they never really offer her the support.

There’s also the flashback to her trauma in episode 22’s beginning. She’s replaced by her mother post-Contact Experiment (which led to a deterioration of her mental health) via a doll that looks like her, red hair in pigtails. It’s the leading factor to her feigned boldness, her ego. The way in which she is marginalized in the series brings it all back.

Rei breaks the silence with a few words of compassion and all Asuka can do is express disbelief. She mistakes compassion for contempt.

For pity.

The idea that anyone would extend kindness, especially now of all times, is unbelievable.

Asuka also experiences a dilemma here, a dilemma those like her face. She already knows what it means to be vulnerable and deeply hurt, but she needs to make herself vulnerable because now, more than ever, she needs the support. Being vulnerable will cause past traumas to flood back in full force, but by stewing she deprives herself of any support. Rei offers that support, but a few words of support in a wave of trivialization can’t help but feel a bit too strange.

Asuka’s greatest anxiety is realized in the twenty second episode. It’s of being and staying second fiddle, that she’s always been set up to fail. Even 2 episodes after the fact,  in which she actually starves herself does she realize once more how she’s permanently ‘below’ others.

Asuka’s curse finds itself in real life, and it’s for that reason why I believe some find themselves resonating with her. Asuka’s gradual descent into bitterness is something I find myself waking up some nights thinking about after 7 years going through Eva; hers is a cautionary tale on being emotionally distant to cries of a damaged youth. Casually imparted knowledge of past achievements, and the competitive attitude mixed with embitterment, some of which from a genuine place but also a product of neglect. We were forced to play second fiddle, we forced ourselves to grow up to feel more legitimate, forced to carry an ire that stews because it seems no one listens.

VIII. Naoko+Casper

The late Naoko Akagi is a woman of multitudes. Those multitudes are compartmentalized into the 3 MAGI. They are Balthasar, Melchior, and Casper.

Casper shows itself to be the most prominent aspect of Naoko’s personality, her as a woman. Ritsuko states that, after the defeat of Iruel, 11th angel, that Casper is the part of her mother which remained that way to the end.

Balthasar and Melchior have been bested, be it by rival MAGI, or Iruel’s assault. This calls back to the fact that Naoko’s other facets aren’t anywhere near as prominent. Naoko has cited her own emotional negligence, of only showing emotions should it ever benefit her.

Casper on 3 occasions fights tooth and nail, Iruel’s assault, an attack by multiple MAGI in End of Evangelion or the defiance of Ritsuko activating the self-destruct sequence. Ritsuko does this to seek vengeance against Gendo for coming to the immense realization that he never genuinely cared for her. Gendo has always used Ritsuko for her body. This would destroy NERV, meaning killing herself and Gendo.

Then you realize why Casper overrides the sequence.

Casper’s stubborn behavior wasn’t actually to defend NERV but to protect Gendo. Casper’s defiance aka Naoko’s emotional absence toward her daughter allowed Gendo to kill a bewildered, rightfully angered Ritsuko.

The saddest part of Casper’s, no, Naoko’s choice is that Naoko got away with murder. Evangelion is a story about children dealing with the selfishness of adults and the adults never receiving justice for their wrongdoings. The relationship between Ritsuko and Naoko is an excellent example that this doesn’t just implicate the young pilots. Ritsuko dies in End of Evangelion with the truth that her mother, as a woman, in the end chose the man who manipulated both of them.

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Some spend their whole lives trying to make a mark. Others can’t help but be known.

People get smart sometimes to get themselves out of a current situation. Kaworu and Rei’s existences are such that they’re deadlocked from living. Their existences are the product of an experiment, to be later heavily watched and raised as the Last Messenger. The latter is the result of Gendo’s obsession with his late wife.

Kaworu and Rei’s existential crises are opposite from the rest of the cast; while others do their damndest to become known, they cannot be unknown. Rei’s character centering more around her identity than other characters is also initially and sneakily alluded in the opening.

The Johari Window is a tool encouraging self-awareness in the person, alluded to twice in the show, with the second time being in the sixteenth episode. Both usages of that illustration, for Rei, and Shinji drive home crucial aspects of the meta-text.

This would also tie Rei to Shinji in End of Evangelion forcing Shinji to reflect on his own awareness and will. Rei is an astute, young girl whose arc is about her personal relationship with identity, something she is all too familiar with due to her objectified nature. Rei’s arc is even more so entrenched in identity than other characters that she is one of the characters imparting personal and universal realities.

Ayanami Rei’s existence from start to finish is inundated with the issues of others, causing her to internalize being always expendable. In Rei’s Poem in episode 14, it becomes clear that she sees herself based on usage. She likens herself to a field of flowers, which slyly alludes to the Dummy System’s “parts” 9 episodes later, other Reis.

  Rei is seen as malleable vessel which houses thoughts rather than her own person and she can’t do anything about it. So she resigns to her reality. Even if she does tell off Gendo in End of Evangelion for his objectifying, she’s not even out of the woods. She never will be.

I used to think Rei’s “slap” to the face to the man with the (most) baggage was empowering. Then I learned about abuse during adolescence, how kids who lack a support system act while away from their abusers. Even saying an emphatic “fuck you” to your abusers isn’t enough to be a happy ending. Rei is a girl who lacks a support system and she suffers from it. Start to finish.

Kaworu’s crises are much trickier to pinpoint because there’s so little to work with. He doesn’t get an episode dealing with personal, subconscious explorations. Getting his character means first getting how Evangelion re-contextualizes what “Ode to Joy” symbolizes. It also means understanding the AT-Field and most people won’t pick that up on an initial foray. Or maybe even a second. Most people don’t pick up that the AT Field implicates anything living and physical or its metaphor for boundaries and identity. There’s the common misconception that Evangelion is a “human” show.

Kaworu marks off his appearance humming “Ode to Joy” while Shinji wonders who to turn to. It’s a song generally known for its jovial nature, but most importantly, Ode to Joy is:

known also as the “Choral” Symphony. Its finale is a musical setting of Friedrich von Schiller ’s “Ode to Joy,” a hymn to the unity and freedom of humanity.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ninth-symphony

The Choral Symphony assumes a more horrific context later on. Kaworu is the last messenger and what his action is would lead to the mass annihilation to lilin/human or angels. ‘Unity of man’ is changed in Eva’s context – it marks either unity of man or the death of man. It doesn’t matter who Kaworu allows unity to, because his hands would be stained with death anyway. Then you realize why Kaworu deploys his most powerful AT Field during his descent to Heaven’s Door.

This is his reality.

Kaworu’s status as the Angel of Free Will isn’t about him being the only complex angel, as a lot of people think. It’s about being the sole individual handing that freedom to others.

You realize his terrifying dilemma goes to the tune of being feared for his own existence as an angel (which he notes to Shinji) and not being able to properly live.

Sometimes you ”hurt” people by existing.

Sometimes people hate you for the simple act of existing.

Kaworu’s and Rei’s terror is the other end of existential horror, that you can’t help but forced to be known. Sometimes you have knowledge but aren’t allowed to do much with it.

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

Episode 18 is where anxieties graduate into horrors both implied and visceral. Unease hangs over the episode, with the mystery of Unit-04’s disappearance and tests being done on Unit-03. Misato tells Shinji that because tests would be done, there’d be a pilot there. Misato uneasily withholds this info from Shinji and Kensuke breaks the silence with his recurring desire of being a pilot, still ignorant of the war horrors. There’s a subtlety that Shinji picks up on with Toji but not enough to put two and two together: that the big-eater himself isn’t feeling so hot.

The continual chirp of cicadas and birds nor the peel of the school bell are enough to break the unease of the viewer or of Toji. Toji goes from indirectly being affected by war vs angels to being chosen, drafted even, a child at the first line of defense for the apocalypse. We get a flashback of him beating down Shinji, before it cuts back to present day Toji. He will be in Shinji’s shoes.

Toji balls a fist, a recurring theme in Eva, to the tune of “What is your hand for?” Toji is finally  about to take things into his own hands.

Asuka takes a few cracks at Shinji to Hikari that he hasn’t quite gotten the memo, but when Shinji asks her even she’s halted in words.

Then the day comes.

Tests are being done and suddenly Unit-03 goes  rogue with Toji in her (note the Evangelions have the souls of the pilots’ mothers, save for Rei). Unit-03’s’s strange behavior is revealed to be the work of the 13th angel, Bardiel. Shinji’s ignorance is made worse by Misato’s absence (with Misato telling Ritsuko she’d tell Shinji the pilot’s info after the tests). Units 00 through 02 are sent out for the new threat and Shinji sees this new threat. Anxiety rises.

The song “Marking Time Waiting for Death” accentuates the anxiety. Unit-03’s silhouette eerily contrasts with the sun, her body slightly hunched and approaching slowly.

Fear washes over Shinji when he deduces that with an Evangelion inside, there must be a pilot.

Yet he still doesn’t know.

The other pilots are aware, and show reluctance to the revelation. A hijacked Unit-03 sets herself on Asuka, Rei, and even strangling Shinji. Shinji allows the angel-hijacked-being to strangle him, because killing another human being is simply horrific.

 Eva has its hand in the war morals cookie jar here because Shinji stands at a conundrum, to other let this creature take his life or to murder flesh and blood. This dilemma goes double-time in war. Gendo asks why Shinji hasn’t dealt with the 13th yet, with a somewhat horrified Shinji pleading  about the pilot. Gendo commands for the unfinished Dummy System to override Shinji’s controls and then suddenly...silence….

The Dummy Controlled Unit-01 springs back and we’re treated to a close-up of Unit-03/Bardi3l being strangled. 

A nauseating crunch sounds and the unit goes limp. A controlled Unit-01 proceeds to raise hell on the incapacitated enemy, resulting in the unit’s blood and guts flowing through the streets. NERV’s personnel can’t do anything save for become fearful at the Dummy System’s capabilities. Terrible, visceral noises sound one by one as blows strike, as the unit’s severed limbs and blood splatters riddle the urban battlefield. Shinji hears every second, every squelch and splat.

Imagine the pain of 03’s pilot.

But the terrors don’t cease here. 

01 doesn’t stop at just raising hell on the incapacitated 03, and we’re treated to another close-up shot of 01 tightly holding onto 03’s entry plug, before crushing it.

Somewhere away, Misato receives news that Unit-03 has been dispatched as an angel. Shinji feels the weight of having actually killed someone, before Misato actually breaks the news that the pilot is not only alive but that the greatly injured pilot is his classmate.

It never really hit me until now how this scene holds another horrifying subtlety. Compare this to episode 3, where Toji’s first interaction with Shinji involved him punching him, the very scene playing at this episode’s beginning. The 18th episode ends now with ,Toji and Shinji are both joined in the same camp, of children emotionally and physically marred by war, not able to fully control their situations.

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Sequence

Shinji stands in a situation where he can no longer take the terrors aligned with the Evangelion. He’s gone from sustaining injuries great and small from combat with the eldritch angels, to indirectly harming a friend through it. He resigns from his position as a pilot, understandably running away even with the approach of the 14th angel.

After a talk with Kaji about how he can control his future and he only, Shinji once again puts himself at the forefront of further pains. He must once more thrust himself to the terrors that align with the war-machines whilst struggling with other traumas.

During his fight against Zeruel, his Evangelion dies out and it all floods back to him. Shinji once again finds himself at a position of no power, frantically pressing at his controls to no avail.

He can only hear blow after blow of the 14th’s onslaught. He and Unit-01 are at their most vulnerable.

Until Unit-01 springs back.

W hat follows is the famous Berserk sequence, a scene whose terror can be thanks to Evangelion’s low budget.

We see the Evangelion in all her terror and the sort of off-ness that carries in this scene.

Episode 19 has no problems on treating us to front-row tickets to terror.

Unit-01 snatches part of Zeruel’s appendage and adds it to her mass. A sickening squelch sounds and her new appendage contorts into place in an instant. 

She moves over to her incapacitated, angelic meal and doesn’t hesitate to chow down. The shots feel too personal yet nowhere near in the sense of the show’s meta-textual reflections. It’s almost like stumbling on a cryptid and when she shoots a look at the viewer, it feels as if she’s looking at us, like we’ve interrupted her dinner. Or perhaps she did finish the meal... and she’s in the mood for seconds? Perhaps even thirds?

The bizarre and eldritch nature of the Evangelions goes full force with this imagery. Episodes 2 and 16 laid the foundation of how off the Evangelion Unit-01 was with how she openly mutilates her targets. Or even the unsettling roar of Unit-01 that’s not entirely bestial. The sound is straddles a line between the blood-curdling bestial and the human. But here? Eva Unit-01’s position, from her hunched figure, to her more feral position as she feasts, feels far too organic...and far too human.

The Evas themselves aren’t human, but the souls housed within are. Eva’s souls are souls of the respective pilots’ mothers, an example of the mother and child symbolism omnipresent in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Shinji’s mother is Yui and as we go through the series, we realize the s2 engine appliance was intentional. An s2 engine offers infinite stores of energy and this is needed for Instrumentality. With the s2 engine within her grasp and the fact that Evas don’t subsist on anything, this would make the consumption of 14th completely recreational.

It’s super tempting to frame this scene as containing some abomination that now stands unchained and indiscriminate in its targets, but it isn’t. It’s sort of understandable because Units 00 and 02 don’t come close to exhibiting this sort of behavior nor were they in this circumstance. Neither Unit-00 nor 02  have any desires in regard to Instrumentality. In the end, we should look to Yui and her own endgame, because Yui’s running the show here.

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

Ritsuko states the Dummy Plugs are machines which imitate pilot’s thinking. There’s a bit more than the possibility of this being 100% AI due to the apparatus Rei is in.

This very likely implies the respective person’s thought processes added with AI programmed in a way which best “describes” the pilot (basically how they are perceived). In episode 17, Rei is situated in this apparatus strongly resembling the central nervous system, the brain and the spinal cord.

{The central nervous system CNS is responsible for integrating sensory information and responding accordingly. It consists of two main components:

1. The spinal cord serves as a conduit for signals between the brain and the rest of the body. It also controls simple musculoskeletal reflexes without input from the brain.

2. The brain is responsible for integrating most sensory information and coordinating body function, both consciously and unconsciously. Complex functions such as thinking and feeling as well as regulation of homeostasis are attributable to different parts of the brain.

https://mcb.berkeley.edu/courses/mcb135e/central.html

Ritsuko imparts the unsettling revelation about Rei and by extension the Dummy Plant itself (after Misato coerced her into learning about Rei). The Reis are the core of the Dummy Plugs (and the System used to brutalize a hijacked Unit-03 and its trapped pilot). This scene adds more to the extent of Rei’s objectification, of her being replaced. It adds on to Rei III’s comment of being ‘the third.’

Rei isn’t savage by any means but the sheer brutality of Dummy System’d Unit-01 5 episodes prior may hint at her straightforward nature.

I’d like to pitch that Ritsuko’s approach to Rei’s Dummy Data was also the product of her subtle animosity toward Rei. When she refers to the Dummy Plug as a machine which mimics human thinking, she’s talking about Rei. She also refers to her similarly in episode 23 by referring to Rei as spare parts, as if Rei herself is some soulless machine whose parts can be switched out if need be. This could also call back to Rei’s poem, in which she calls herself a vessel which holds human thoughts.

Another question remains: how does Kaworu play into this?

The MPEs (the Mass Production Evangelion series) use Kaworu’s Dummy data, meaning that there are cloned Kaworus stored off somewhere, perhaps floating with soulless smiles the same as Rei has.

Treated as spare parts.

This also implies that Kaworu is more or less reduced to an object.

What’s more disturbing is the nature of the MPEs gratuitous method of ravaging and mutilating Unit-02 and by extension Asuka.

Kaworu hasn’t ever demonstrated any degree of malice, so this can’t really insinuate a ‘Kaworu is secretly evil’ narrative. But this can tie back to a recurring theme of humans fearing and despising angels. It’s because of this that the revelation of our genetically identical nature or the fact that they can comprehend our psychology is framed in-show as kind of shocking. It is because we’re so disturbed at the angels’ existence (or anything else we don’t comprehend) that we view them as inherently savage in nature. Kaworu’s quick-to-perceive personality most likely translated itself along with the AI. This would also rule in the somewhat strategic way in which the MPEs act against Asuka, exploiting her attack patterns through surprise attacks.

Some of Kaworu’s as well as Rei’s Dummy Data are the product of universal (Kaworu) and personal (Rei) contempt by people. Let that sink in.

XIII. Kaworu’s + Adam’s True Power

The bottom of the fridge horror portion of this iceberg is something that has subtly plagued me for years. We’ve only ever caught glimpses of Kaworu’s abilities in his debut episode. I picked up on it little by little with each re-watch of the episode, with every other time his abilities dawning on me. If I wasn’t focusing on how his character fits in the greater framework of Evangelion, I was cluing in on his abilities.

One of his abilities is being able to block out light, magnetism, and subatomic particles. Some of the forces which make up the universe. This witnessed by the viewer when he realizes the whole of humanity’s welfare hangs by a thread, due to the coexistence of angels and Adam.

Adam.

Adam’s soul lies within Kaworu. Adam. Who utilized an Anti-AT Field which caused Second Impact. An Anti-AT Field, which killed off much of the Katsuragi Crew in Antarctica.

This makes Kaworu the most powerful angel in the original Evangelion series.

Eva has shown that ownership of an angel’s soul (or partially, if you’re onboard the Rei I is in Unit-00 theory) allows the person to inherit the angel’s abilities through Rei. Rei blocks off Kaworu’s immensely powerful field with one of her own, canceling out both as a result. As we know, AT Fields for people are a figurative affair. People lack the physiology to exhibit a physical AT Field because they don’t have cores like angels do. Angels’ souls when possessed by humans have a sort of ability to circumvent parts of human physiology (if you’re looking for the whole package, you should eat angel’s flesh too). Rei also shows the ability to float, implied in episode 24 and shown explicitly in End of Evangelion.

But this raises a few questions about the last messenger is the ability to block out some of the forces of the universe Adam’s powers or Kaworu’s? Another ability that continues to plague me the more I think about it is Kaworu’s AT-Field usage on Heaven’s Door to bypass its lock.

We haven’t actually seen Adam’s other powers (if the angel has any) because the it’s anti-AT Field was halted via Lance of Longinus. Other than its ethereal appearance in flashbacks, we only see an incapacitated Adam in embryonic form. That’s it. We don’t know if Adam exhibits any other powers due to this impediment. If Adam does have more powers, this would add onto both the fridge horror factor of Adam and Kaworu.

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

There’s something that implicates the whole cast. Something that goes beyond the meaning of the AT-Field, and the all-too-known Hedgehog’s Dilemma.

Eva is filled to the very brim with psychological concepts, but there’s one thing which ties this all together. It goes much larger than the desire to become validated or cycles of abuse and unresolved issues to a newer generation.

Free Will Vs. Determinism ties the entire cast together and is disturbing in its own right. It not only ties the cast together but also contributes to Eva’s meta-narrative.

Episode 16’s sequence with Leliel, Shinji, and the Johari Window gives little breadcrumbs to this psychological dilemma.  Leliel teaches Shinji about his own identity as well as slowly ushering him to a sense of self-awareness. Leliel also attempts to usher Shinji out of filtering reality with only convenient parts. Shinji argues that he can’t really be held culpable for his actions, because the one and only reality is that reality is awful, bar none. Not his reality, but reality as a whole. This deterministic stance becomes ever more blatant 8 episodes later with the appearance of Nagisa Kaworu.

Kaworu’s designation is the angel of free will. The irony of this stands in the fact that Kaworu isn’t the only angel who can exhibit free will (with some of the angels before him taking the time to try comprehending people). Kaworu’s status comes from his identity as the last messenger, bringing about freedom for one species (humans/lilin or angels) at the expense of the other. Kaworu knows his reality well and in the end, seeks to better the reality of those around him. Eva doesn’t romanticize the prospect of free will, however, because Kaworu is so aware of his own person and how he can hurt those around him that it greatly bothers him.

The metatext doesn’t just position Shinji as being in the wrong, but also the audience. Remember the point I made before about Shinji being the audience substitute? It’s further hammered home from the series’ tail end and into End of Evangelion.

“That’s just the way things are.” is a common response to things in life we feel resigned on changing, because we don’t know how to change them. This quote is a parallel to Shinji’s “humans aren’t made to float!” in episode 16.

Shinji does know how to change much of his reality, but by doing so he’d be pushed into free will. Free Will is the solution and it means holding yourself accountable rather than believe that it’s everyone else with the problem. With the idea that you can change your reality, it offers you the opportunity to love yourself.

If you love yourself, then it becomes much easier to love others.

Eva’s free will and determinism metatext hammers home the extension of empathy.

Shinji/the viewer’s greatest problem is that because we don’t love ourselves it makes it difficult to extend the love to everyone else. Shinji’s love translates as idealism. Because of his unhealthy idealism, he is hindered from understanding people.

By ascribing your beliefs from determinism to free will, it opens your mind to an entire world of possibilities, but therein lies the terror. It is because of these possibilities that Shinji and by extension, the viewer, likely fears free will. Shinji finds ways make himself validated, but with free will, the argument could be made that it doesn’t matter. There’s the anxiety-crippling likelihood that none of it actually matters, because your existence doesn’t matter. If we’re going on this bent, acts of making an adequate impression on others are acts of personal denial. In the end, these are what they are, possibilities.

The greatest terror of it all is that we don’t know.

User power-chords makes an excellent point about the inherent darkness of an internal locus of control.

User power-chords posits the idea of existential absurdity for Shinji not as a certainty but a possibility. There’s always a likelihood that our desires to comprehend the world around us, to find ultimate understanding are in vain.

Cheesy as it sounds, people fear ambiguity because we seek a satisfying end. We don’t just seek answers. We want outside closure and inner peace, but we won’t always get it. It’s why we rationalize relationships that end on bad notes. Sometimes you worry about your falling-outs...and it hurts. You never got the answers your wanted so this pain carries, for months, sometimes even for years. Dwelling on the issue serves no purpose other than to keep that hurt with you. The best thing to do sometimes is to find your own closure, your own meaning.

No, Evangelion isn’t actually pro-nihilism, but it presents us with that likelihood. That’s what makes this aspect of the narrative so terrifying: The consideration that we find meaning in the meaningless.

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

The nature of injuries and having them in adds onto the innate horror --be it war or otherwise-- and themes of the Evangelion. The severity of the injury is based on how high the pilot’s sync ratio is. An average rate while sustaining damage will bring hurt to the actual pilot in the respective spot. Some examples:

Sachiel makes multiple headblows to Unit-01 and Shinji in episode 2, causing head trauma.

Ramiel’s, (5th angel), particle beam attack in episode 6, an attack so severe that Shinji needed medical care.

Unit-00 and Rei being infected by a Bardiel hijacked Unit-03 in episode 18. Toji’s condition in episode 18 stands as a large example of the innately disturbing nature of sustained injuries.

Toji’s condition becomes all the more nauseating when you see Evangelion parts and blood flow through Tokyo-3.

Toji could feel every last second of strangulation, body blow, and feel the unspeakable pain of his arm being severed.  Let that sink in.

Asuka receives the worst of these considering the nature of her sync rate being high. The higher the rate the more kept the damage is. The circumstances behind Asuka getting the worst of it goes back to the AT-Field. Asuka understood the meaning of the AT-Field, that the more you open yourself up to others, the more hurt you become. The realization dawns on Asuka as her mother from within the Evangelion shields her from the onslaught of JSSDF troops.

It’s then that Asuka finally comprehends what the Absolute Terror Field is. Despite her emotional needs being neglected, realizing she’s set up to fail, and going comatose she still goes on.

Asuka, despite everything, takes a chance and opens her heart knowing the double-edged nature of the AT Field. What happens next?

Asuka took a chance.

She opened her heart...

...and she got hurt all because she opened herself.

XVI. Unit 01+MPE Gorging Sequences

The brutality of both Unit-01 and the Mass Production Evas holds three layers: of visual horror, implied horror, and thematic horror. Unit-01, after taking Zeruel’s s2 engine into herself, proceeds to then brutalize the 14th angel by way of still gorging on it. The feeding was entirely recreational considering Evangelions don’t subsist on food to function. This was more about the sheer act of brutality for brutality’ sake.

The Mass Production Evas also fall under this category, the way in which they deal with Asuka after incapacitating her with a replicated Lance of Longinus is also sadistic and gratuitous. They also proceed to gorge on Asuka, her fate made worse through the simple fact that her sync rate is heightened.

The MPEs don’t even swiftly finish her off.  She is in a state of tremendous and unimaginable pain. They fly above her slowly, circling above her mangled Eva.

They are almost mocking her as she can do nothing, save for writhe. Asuka’s seething, repeated “I’ll kill you...I’ll kill you….” is then silenced by the MPEs spearing her down.

The brutality doesn’t end there, as we see much darker implications of the damage sustained toward the end of the first half of End of Evangelion.

Shinji bears witness to the implications after seeing the decimated remains of Unit-02 being carried off by some of the Mass Production Units. The sickening reality of it all dawns on him and he is once more exposed to the woes of war and the nightmarish aspect tied of the Evangelions.

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arqa

We’re ending the pre-abyssal end of the iceberg with Evangelion’s original proposal.

Eva’s proposal, a far cry to the show today, had a more sci-fi angle to it. Psychological concepts weren’t exactly pitched nor was it self-aware. The angels weren’t even referred to as the angels, but as the Apostolos. Instead of the 18 we were presented with in the original show and the movies, there were 28 Apostolos.

The Apostolos designs stand as testament to how far of a departure the proposal was to the final cut. They look far more menacing than the more amorphous, much softer defined, beady-eyed angels we’re used to. To top it all off, the Apostolos were the de facto villains of Evangelion’s prototype pitch. The Apostolos in the Proposal, toward the end, proceed their onslaught as a group rather than the series’ one by one. Toward the series’ end, the 12 strongest Apostolos begin their assault on North America, annihilating the continent in its entirety.

Only 12 of the creatures laid waste to a singular continent.

Episode 24: "Now, the Promised Time"

Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.

Episode 25: "Arqa, the Promised Land"

The laboratory holds the ancient ruins of Arqa, which have become key. In order to stop the twelve Apostolos, the United Nations' head members annul the Human Instrumentality Project and resolve to destroy the Apostolos. Shinji's father objects. Shinji and the others stay at the laboratory for Rei. A drama of people conflicting over incongruous objectives.

https://wiki.evageeks.org/Resources:Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Proposal_(Translation)

The aforesaid creatures were so powerful in the original pitch that Human Instrumentality and the ancient ruins of Arqa would be the way of stopping the onslaught.

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

As the last and most explicit aspect of original Evangelion, it would only make sense that EoE specific content would take its place in Tier 5. End of Evangelion is a 90 + minute tour de force with disturbing imagery back-to-back. Split Second Misato Death refers to one of the most unsettling images sprinkled all throughout the movie. Here are a few of the many examples of EoE’s building up on Evangelion’s ugliest parts.

Everyone cites the infamous hospital scene not even 5 minutes into the film as the first proof, but user power-chords has pointed out, Shinji has actually attempted suicide (refer to the ‘Free Will v. Determinism’ part of the iceberg.)

After Misato is mortally wounded and sends Shinji off in an elevator not long after, the JSSDF blow up that part of NERV. A few people have pointed out the most disturbing facet of this scene: through freeze-framing that you can actually see Misato’s body during.

The JSSDF scene partway through End of Evangelion in which NERV personnel are summarily annihilated.

For those missing the small detail of Shinji’s attempted suicide ,Shinji’s depressed state is made more clear when the JSSDF locate him. When they do they attempt to kill him execution style. Shinji doesn’t move.

“I don’t want to die…!” during the JSSDF’s assault, Asuka is awoken from comatose state. She is protected by her mother via an AT-Field by Unit-02. She gains back her self-preservation after this realization, and multitude of images play. One of them is an extremely gruesome close-up of Asuka’s face. (extreme body horror warning, proceed with caution)

The Komm Susser Tod scene beginning with Shinji strangling Asuka in harsh coloring, Naoko’s same action toward Rei plays right after. A few disturbing child drawings follow after, predominantly featuring death. (seizure warning, body horror warning)

End of Evangelion’s flooring nature comes from the fact that it builds up on the subtly horrific and makes these terrors explicit. Whatever existed beyond closed doors becomes now available for us to see,

XVIII. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

At the penultimate point of the abyss lies a horror as old as much of time. Of the humane being more disgusting than the monsters.

That we can be monstrous.

This fact becomes known with the appearance of the JSSDF as dispatched by SEELE, methodically mowing down NERV personnel with little to no weaponry of their own. We’re treated to NERV’s personnel in their hallways, some forced with the moral dilemma of leaving their own to die while surviving or helping their own while both end up being gunned down. 

It becomes apparent that SEELE has been gradually, intentionally chipping away at NERV’s Defense Budget, getting rid of the (little) competition they have after the defeat of the Last Messenger.

There’s a degree of contempt and casual sadism that comes with how they kill the personnel. In one instance, a NERV worker surrenders to the JSSDF, before being killed off in execution style in the distance (one headshot plus two extra shots for good measure).

When you look back at it, this sort of sheer, unabashed brutality wasn’t felt about the angels. Human attitude about the angels is largely fearing, anxious. This attitude accentuated itself through a sometimes nervous soundscape. Of observing these weird, ghastly creatures as they creep and swim. And the feeling’s mutual. The problem is that we don’t know.

But here? We do know.

When the JSSDF move in, the anxiety of angels graduates to the full-force dread of creatures that have killed before. The greatest enemy to humanity has always been with them all along, forcing them to a catch-22. The dread falls on Maya because she understands this perfectly. NERV has only ever shot at targets rather than living flesh…

...and SEELE knows this.

SEELE’s slow, but sure suppression of NERV’s budget is kicking a man while he’s down, but the man in question is a child instead. The JSSDF have more than enough firepower, calling it overkill goes beyond an understatement.

The JSSDF demonstrate the lack of remorse further with the discovery of Third Child, Shinji Ikari. One of the members presses the barrel to Shinji’s head before Misato steps in and kills the members.

The JSSDF isn’t the only damning evidence of how ugly members of humanity can be, however.

Humanity’s on-occasion grossness shows itself in small ways throughout the series, in dislike and conscious emotional distance for individuals, or beliefs of the angels being unintelligent and/or savage. Other times it manifests fiscally, in orchestrating more ethical approaches to stopping certain destruction to go seemingly haywire in order for NERV to receive more funding. This all due to a rival company of NERV challenging the very idea for its usage of child soldiers.

The worst of this damning fact is that many of the morally repugnant members exist on a higher echelon of society. There are Gendos running around, doing as they so please and they’re the tip of their echelon iceberg.

XIX. The Ultimate Paradox of Evangelion

“Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.”

We’re treated to these words as Shinji finds himself on shores surrounded by an isolate hellscape, with Asuka next to him. The strange and altogether horrific nature of End of Evangelion has gotten fans  believing on End of Evangelion’s endgame was in certain, nihilistic. But Eva dipping its hand in the likelihood of meaning in the existentially meaningless isn’t even the ultimate terror of Eva’s self-aware universe, nor is it the tendency for man to become contemptible towards itself.

Evangelion greatest terror is the paradoxical nature of free will.

Yui’s words to her son as she drifts off into the ever-expanding cosmos, her status as a deity realized, is that paradise is universal. EoE assumes this unconventionally positive approach to a whole series worth of characters’ woes. The issue is: finding paradise is ultimately conditional.

Free Will’s paradoxical nature is what gives credence to the ongoing Free Will vs. Determinism dilemma. People can use their free will to take away yours entirely and this is most evident with Rei. Her existence is the result of a man’s unhealthy attachment to his wife, her lack of self-preservation the result of being conditioned as a multi-purpose vessel; her desire to merge with Lilith to become an omnipresent mother-figure was not hers. The nature of disallowing free will exists on a spectrum, as people can use their free will not to take away the whole of others’ freedoms, but to disallow them proper emotional growth. The adults around Asuka weren’t around for her during the series, leading to her eventual downfall.

Unit-01, throughout much of the second part of EoE holds the power to give or deny people’s physicality due to her status of having both Fruits of Life (the s2 engine held by angels) and Wisdom (from the Lance of Longinus merged with the Eva earlier on). This gives Unit-01 her deity status and while within Lilith-Rei, Shinji realizes that not everyone would be there in his life, that he can’t be in the center of others’ lives. It’s for that reason why he denies people’s physicality (“They can all just die.”), which turns people into LCL.

Shinji gives allows people the ability to come back from Instrumentality after realization arises that without other people, there’s no way to tell if Shinji, himself exists or not. Kaworu and Rei also give him the reality that with people back, pain will become an inevitability once more. With all the souls gathered by Lilith-Rei, they are released after her death.

With the souls of those cast into Instrumentality dispersed, those turned into LCL now hold the ability to come back from Instrumentality if they so choose.

While the idea of anywhere being paradise rings true, it’s not entirely satisfying to say that EoE is unconventional in its uplifting message to the viewer. Evangelion is at its core a cautionary tale. It warns the viewer into extensions of empathy and openness that others would properly live. This goes double for those with power. Without that compassion, we’ll have Asukas, Misatos, Ristukos, as well as Reis, those in the world whose downfalls come from emotional absences, neglect, objectification, and forced baggage. We would have Shinjis, those wanting to be at the nexus of others’ importance because they were deprived while young.

Kindness is a powerful thing and the lack of compassion present in all of Eva implicates most everyone. It leads to yet more abusive cycles, with the only thing breaking that cycle being a hand for those in need.

XX. Conclusion

What more can be said over this juggernaut which is a host to a bevvy of darkness? Evangelion is testament that anxieties and horror don’t need to start out as blatantly shocking or visceral to make an impact years down the line. They also don’t need to be out in the open to initially hook you either. You pick up on a few anxieties as well as horrors and you realize deep down, there must be more, which drives many of us to engage in this often times unabashedly dark source material.

Some of us are doing it later in the throes of adolescences, others are doing so well into their 20s, possibly dipping into their 30s. Point is, it draws in a lot of us and for a lot of us, it doesn’t ever let go.

Some of its charm could be chalked to the visceral ways in which characters interact. Even after years of re-watches, I’m still learning new things about the child soldiers, and I’m quite sure there’s others finding small details. There’s also the possibility of Eva’s approach to terror. I think Evangelion “humanized” its horror. It didn’t make horror a universally human feeling, but made it so that the true big bads looking to cause apocalypse weren’t actually the eldritch. Many of the angels are more or less lost kids looking for their mother (I still think Ramiel’s “singing” in episode 5 was it calling for its mother!).

With those newer details after 20+ years, there will be more added to the iceberg. Hell, there should be more added to the iceberg. This iceberg is the tip of an even greater iceberg. I’m still learning about their adults and their desires as well, how cyclical their actions are. For others, the draw-in factor lies in its low budget. Personally, it’s all of these for me: the low budget helped cement these darker aspects of the series due to horror and the genre’s overall relationship with limitation. It works best on limitation and had Eva worked with a much higher budget, I don’t think the content would be as effective, or perhaps it’d be much more difficult to make it so.

Evangelion is such a well-done, deceptively compact series that each lens a fan assumes has its own interesting rabbit hole. Your circumstance shapes the experience, and this too involves how you navigate the series’ menagerie of terrors.

I’d also like to thank the reader for getting through the largest rabbit hole in Evangelion. I’d also like to thank you for getting through the whole of this meta from a fan who slowly began to resonate with the characters as the years went on!

#neon genesis evangelion #shinji #kaworu #asuka #rei #seizure warning #body horror warning #suicide mention #correct me if im wrong #credit goes to twitter user decoratedboar for the iceberg picture help #and fixes

[bonky-n-steeb]

𝐵𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐸

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙾𝙽𝙴

𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙆!𝘽𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙔 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙎 𝙭 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 | 𝙈𝙊𝘽!𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Your life is as good as it gets. The perfect husband, the perfect daughter, the perfect job. But what you are unaware is that your husband is a deadly assassin and your long-lost friend, now a fearsome mob boss is hell bent on getting you back. But what you don’t know can't hurt you, right?

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: psychological disorder, PTSD, domestic abuse, yandere, obsession, violence, cursing. If you find any of this triggering please DNI. Also inform me if I left something out.

ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, sᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴍɪsᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ

Oh, lawd! i have to post everything again! Send me all your energy. If you wanna be tagged, just inform me!

Also, I’ll be changing the story by a little, (or by a lot, idk) from my previous version.

You were feeling like John Travolta from the music video of Stayin’ Alive. Vibing to your own rhythm, living your own freedom. Attending college miles away from your hometown, you were the captain of your ship. Though you loved your parents more than anything, you were glad for the freedom granted upon you.

Your Freshmen year had just begun and you had already made a few friends. But what you didn’t want to accept just yet was your crush on one of them, Bucky. With his steely blue eyes and boyish charm, even a goddess might fall for him, and you were just a mortal. You were simply happy with being friends as you believed he would never like you and well, a little crush never hurt nobody.  

Completing your shift in a local bookstore, just outside the campus, you were walking back, lost in your own thoughts. What caught your attention was a group of howling high schoolers; from the look of it, they were barely a year to two younger than you. A group of tall and popular kids were bullying a skinny, helpless dude; ufff the usual cliché you thought to yourself. What you failed to notice though was his bleeding nose.  

You were a kind soul, always helping others, but you were no fool. All alone in an unknown town, you weren't going to confront the burly teens who were twice your own size. After giggling and cracking some stupid jokes on the poor dude trying to impress a girl, they left him and that’s when you noticed all the blood. You quickly crossed the road and walked towards him. He seemed smaller than he was as he was crouching down and trying to rub all the blood.

“Hey! Pinch your nose, don’t disturb it by rubbing.” you said while bending down. “Uhh, okay... thanks!” he looked at you with big doe eyes and you were utterly mesmerized by the blue oceans he had for his eyes. “Do you.. Do you need something else kid? Where do you live?” you asked giving him a candy and your water bottle. “I’m no kid!” he exclaimed and you flinched.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are helping me and here I am shouting at you.” You could clearly see remorse in his eyes and you wondered why would someone hurt him? “yeah, yeah.. It's Okay... now have this candy, the sugar will help you feel better.” you said with a soft smile. “thank you so much... and by the way I live two streets across. I mean I can go by myself, I'm a grown-up.. But...” he trailed off and you helped him get up.

“I’m Steve” he tried his best to smile and you followed by sharing your own name. And with that his chatter train began, he explained that he was just trying to help another girl getting bullied, when the bullies decided to change their target and chase Steve instead.

“you should wear your own mask first and then help others wear theirs.” you quipped and instantly bit your tongue. “Hmm, what?” he asked genuinely curious. “what I meant is that you did what is correct and very brave, but sometimes you gotta think for yourself too. But these are just my thoughts.” you shrugged. “I’ll remember that.” he said with a genuine expression. And after a million thank yous he finally went in his house. By the size of his house, he seemed rich and you wondered maybe this wasn't that cliché.  

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

The next day, you were walking back the same road, when you thought of Steve. He really was a kind and sweet person. This world needed more of people like him. And just then you saw him smiling brightly and waving at you, his nose bandaged. He had a huge box in his hand.

“Heyyyyy! Thank you for helping me yesterday. So I just... kinda got this as a ... a token of appreciation. I considered you might like donuts, so I got you this.” He said rubbing his nape. His cheeks had become so red he looked like a ripe tomato. “well, if you haven’t already given me diabetes by saying so many thank yous, after eating sooo many donuts I’ll surely get it.” At that you both chuckled and the atmosphere became lighter. As you picked a donut, he looked at you with such admiration you thought you would melt then and there.

Suddenly with a stern expression you asked “what if it’s drugged?” His eyes widened and he stuttered, “I... I would never do that ...” he looked down and you thought he might cry. “hey waittt.. don’t get so sad.. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. I was just joking. I have this really bad habit of saying things when I shouldn’t. God I just ruined everything.” You just made a mental note not to joke around him, he seemed to be quite emotional. Though it was going to be difficult to tame your tongue. “don’t be. I just take things too literally.... anyway let’s have some donuts what say?” He said with such shine in his eyes you wondered whether he was sad just a moment before.

You both walked up to your university campus, munching on donuts. You both shared things about yourselves. You told him how you were passionate in becoming a doctor. He on the other hand talked about his struggles in studying. “will you help me? You are so smart and bright, will you help me study if I have a doubt or something?” he asked giving his big doe eyes.

You weren’t going to agree at first, you had just met him a day ago. But after looking in those calm blue pools of his eyes you agreed. Seeing the joy on his face, you wondered whether he just won an Oscar.

What you didn’t know was that Steve had already fallen in love with you, yes love, he was convinced that you were the one for him, his one true love. Not a moment had he been able to think of anything but you since he had met you. You were everything he needed and wanted and much more. He was simply desperate to spend more time with you.

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

It had been around six months since you met Steve. Over the time you two had turned out to be best friends. While Steve had fallen even more in love with you, you had fallen hopelessly in love with bucky. While you always told bucky about Steve and vice versa, you never confessed to Steve about your love for Bucky, thus furthermore increasing his hopes. You desperately wished to make Steve and Bucky meet. They were two important people in your life and you more than anything wished that they got together well.  

Today was the day when you decided to arrange a small meet and greet at the park where you and Steve met every day. You and Bucky walked together towards the tree where you usually sat with Steve waiting there for you. You knew both would like each other, but somewhere deep within your gut you were getting a not-so good feeling about this.  

Steve’s eyes lit up seeing you but as they turned to Bucky, it felt as if all the energy had been sucked out of him. You didn’t like that one bit. “Bucky!?” Steve exclaimed in half disappointment and half fear. “You both... you both know each other?” you ask bewildered. You tried chuckling to lighten the mood but by the looks of it they were sworn enemies, but you prayed that you were wrong. “yeah, we know each other a little too well... Uh... We were good friends once.” Steve quietly admitted.

All this time Bucky had his jaw clenched, dragging in a deep breath he began. “I knew it! I knew it would be you, you little fucker! You want to have everything don’t you? Goddammit! I had this feeling it was you but I thought it was too much of a coincidence, but no. fate had to be so cruel.” you were shocked to see Bucky's sudden outburst. You wondered what conspired between the two, as either hadn’t ever mentioned the other.  

You were snapped out of your thoughts with Bucky calling your name. “let’s go. I don’t want to see him even for a minute more and neither do you.” Bucky started pulling your hand but you stopped him “Bucky no. I guess you have some misunderstanding; Steve is a good person. And you don’t get to tell me who to talk to and who to not.”

Suddenly Bucky turned back to Steve, anger written all over his face. “You didn’t tell her, huh, did you? Don’t worry I'll tell her. Steve is the son of Joseph Rogers and he is the freaking Don Corleone of this area. Do you know how my father died? Steve’s father had him killed just because unknowingly he provided shelter to his father’s fugitive. Steve just pretends to be a caring, emotional person but he is a snake behind that mask, so is everyone in his family.” towards the end Bucky was in tears and you were in utter shock. Now that you tried to remember, Steve never really did tell you much about his family. And the fact that Steve wasn’t denying any single allegation made you want to puke your guts out.

“You have taken too much from me. But not this. Not her. Not the woman I love more than anything.” Bucky said it out loud in the heat of the moment. You were too dumbstruck to even blink. Did Bucky just confess that he loved you?  

Bucky turned to you and held your arm with such softness you wondered if he was just now screaming his lungs out at Steve. “I know I can't tell you who to be with, and I promise I never will in the future, but trust me you want to be caught up with him or his family. And still, if you choose him, well then, I can’t be with you.”

You knew you had to make a choice then and there, there was no going back, and you chose Bucky.

#chris evans #sebastian stan #mcu #marvel #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier x reader #the winter soldier #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #mob!steve #dark!bucky #mob!steve x reader #dark!bucky x reader

[aziraphales-library]

Do you have any good nightmare/comfort fics? I was reading one about words in a room and the fire but I cant remember it and camt find very many others.

Here are some nightmare fics...

(Probably Something That Shouldn't Be) Said Out Loud by infinitevariety (T)

Crowley hasn’t been sleeping well since the world didn’t end, but when he falls asleep on the bookshop sofa he’s not the only one who has to deal with his nightmare.

True Forms in the Stars by Aethelflaed (T)

Months after the Apocalypse, Aziraphale and Crowley are slowly working their way towards their happy ending. But a series of nightmares remind them of pains long buried, which can no longer be ignored. If there is to be any hope for a better future, they must first confront the scars of their past.

Only a Bad Dream by Bookwormgal (T)

Traumatic events are not something easily forgotten or brushed aside. It leaves traces behind. A few nightmares are bound to happen.

Inside, In the Dark by IneffableDoll (T)

Aziraphale’s nightmares about holy water are nothing new. After Armageddon, they feature a bathtub. OR Five times, Aziraphale watches Crowley die horribly in his dreams. One time, Crowley finds out about it.

The Quiet, Persistent, Gnawing Unease by LollipopCop (M)

Aziraphale looked away, and poured himself another drink. “In any case, that looked unpleasant and I’m sorry to hear that’s a regular occurrence for you.”

Crowley felt weird, like he wanted to yell and punch a wall and cry and hug Aziraphale all at once. He settled on being defensive. “Oh, save it. You probably think it’s what we demons deserve for our wickedness.”

Aziraphale’s gaze turned serious. “You don’t deserve that, Crowley,” he said, quietly but firmly. ~ An exploration of the serious toll Hell's physical and psychological grip has taken on Crowley since his Fall.

In Somnis Veritas by PinkPenguinParade (T)

Aziraphale put a hand on his shoulder. "Bad dreams," he said. It wasn't a question. He'd seen it before, but never quite this bad.

"Yeah. Just... happens. When I sleep, sometimes. Nothing to worry about."

"I, um... I get assignments, from time to time. To talk to people in their dreams. I know the bad ones. I didn't... I couldn't, I won't step into your dreams without your leave," Aziraphale continued. "But I could help. If you want."

- Mod D

#good omens #ineffable husbands #nightmares #emotional hurt/comfort #mod d

[apenitentialprayer]

I hit the breaking point as a parent a few years ago. It was the week of my extended family’s annual gathering in August, and we were struggling with assorted crises. My parents were aging; my wife and I were straining under the chaos of young children; my sister was bracing to prepare her preteens for bullying, sex and cyberstalking. Sure enough, one night all the tensions boiled over. At dinner, I noticed my nephew texting under the table. I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help myself and asked him to stop. Ka-boom! My sister snapped at me to not discipline her child. My dad pointed out that my girls were the ones balancing spoons on their noses. My mom said none of the grandchildren had manners. Within minutes, everyone had fled to separate corners. Later, my dad called me to his bedside. There was a palpable sense of fear I couldn’t remember hearing before. “Our family’s falling apart,” he said. “No it’s not,” I said instinctively. “It’s stronger than ever.” But lying in bed afterward, I began to wonder: Was he right? What is the secret sauce that holds a family together? What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy? It turns out to be an astonishingly good time to ask that question. The last few years have seen stunning breakthroughs in knowledge about how to make families, along with other groups, work more effectively. Myth-shattering research has reshaped our understanding of dinnertime, discipline and difficult conversations. Trendsetting programs from Silicon Valley and the military have introduced techniques for making teams function better. The only problem: most of that knowledge remains ghettoized in these subcultures, hidden from the parents who need it most. I spent the last few years trying to uncover that information, meeting families, scholars and experts ranging from peace negotiators to online game designers to Warren Buffett’s bankers. After a while, a surprising theme emerged. The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative. I first heard this idea from Marshall Duke, a colorful psychologist at Emory University. In the mid-1990s, Dr. Duke was asked to help explore myth and ritual in American families.“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family,” he told me at his home in suburban Atlanta. “But we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.” Around that time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children with learning disabilities, noticed something about her students.“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges,” she said. Her husband was intrigued, and along with a colleague, Robyn Fivush, set out to test her hypothesis. They developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children to answer 20 questions. Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth? Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness. “We were blown away,” Dr. Duke said. And then something unexpected happened. Two months later was Sept. 11. As citizens, Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush were horrified like everyone else, but as psychologists, they knew they had been given a rare opportunity: though the families they studied had not been directly affected by the events, all the children had experienced the same national trauma at the same time. The researchers went back and reassessed the children.“Once again,” Dr. Duke said, “the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.” Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack? “The answers have to do with a child’s sense of being part of a larger family,” Dr. Duke said. Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and those narratives take one of three shapes. First, the ascending family narrative: “Son, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you. ...” Second is the descending narrative: “Sweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost everything.” “The most healthful narrative,” Dr. Duke continued, “is the third one. It’s called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ” Dr. Duke said that children who have the most self-confidence have what he and Dr. Fivush call a strong “intergenerational self.” They know they belong to something bigger than themselves. Leaders in other fields have found similar results. Many groups use what sociologists call sense-making, the building of a narrative that explains what the group is about. Jim Collins, a management expert and author of “Good to Great,” told me that successful human enterprises of any kind, from companies to countries, go out of their way to capture their core identity. In Mr. Collins’s terms, they “preserve core, while stimulating progress.” The same applies to families, he said. Mr. Collins recommended that families create a mission statement similar to the ones companies and other organizations use to identify their core values. The military has also found that teaching recruits about the history of their service increases their camaraderie and ability to bond more closely with their unit.Cmdr. David G. Smith is the chairman of the department of leadership, ethics and law at the Naval Academy and an expert in unit cohesion, the Pentagon’s term for group morale. Until recently, the military taught unit cohesion by “dehumanizing” individuals, Commander Smith said. Think of the bullying drill sergeants in “Full Metal Jacket” or “An Officer and a Gentleman.” But these days the military spends more time building up identity through communal activities. At the Naval Academy, Commander Smith advises graduating seniors to take incoming freshmen (or plebes) on history-building exercises, like going to the cemetery to pay tribute to the first naval aviator or visiting the original B-1 aircraft on display on campus. Dr. Duke recommended that parents pursue similar activities with their children. Any number of occasions work to convey this sense of history: holidays, vacations, big family get-togethers, even a ride to the mall. The hokier the family’s tradition, he said, the more likely it is to be passed down. He mentioned his family’s custom of hiding frozen turkeys and canned pumpkin in the bushes during Thanksgiving so grandchildren would have to “hunt for their supper,” like the Pilgrims. “These traditions become part of your family,” Dr. Duke said. Decades of research have shown that most happy families communicate effectively. But talking doesn’t mean simply “talking through problems,” as important as that is. Talking also means telling a positive story about yourselves. When faced with a challenge, happy families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship. This skill is particularly important for children, whose identity tends to get locked in during adolescence. The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come.

- Bruce Feiler. Emphases added.

#family #historiography #genealogy #community #long post #parenting #storytelling

[sketching-shark]

LMK fandom: Oh, what do we do about this guy who has nothing but hurt Xiaotian, tried to replace Sun Wukong and his crew, hurt Tripitaka and ordered servants to cannibalize a monkey? Oh I know! We’ll turn him into our little meow meow~ he’s so innocent and Sun Wukong is obviously the villain!

What doesn’t help is this idea is perpetuated by multiple fan fic writers and artists for some reason. Especially some aus they make that turn SWK into a bastard for the sake of the story rather than considering cultural context and thinking they should be respectful.

And almost everyone lets them get away with it just because the art or fanfic is good and they get so popular that no one can point what is actually wrong without feeling like they’re going to get attacked.

I'm starting to feel like my blog is the one anons go to specifically to vent their frustrations about the Six Eared Macaque in his lego monkey show form & the associated fandom lmao. But I guess this makes sense, as I’ve had fun quasi-dragging him before & will in fact use this anon submission as an opportunity to have my own, to put it academically, bitch fest about not just this fandom's favorite protagonist-traumatizing meow meow, but about the way villains are often treated in not just fanon, but increasingly in canon works as well. But same policy as with the last anon; I'll post my opinions below the cut, and as fandoms love to say, don’t like don't read if you don't want to see me dunking on the six eared simian & common fandom tendencies towards villains.

Oh man I would say where would you even begin with this but anon you’ve pretty much started yourself with my main gripe with a lot of ways that the Six-Eared Macaque is portrayed in fandom; there seems to be this unspoken agreement that his acts of violence towards Sun Wukong, Qi Xioatian, and Qi Xioatian’s loved ones are either to be framed as somewhat or totally justified, to be immediately forgiven/excused, or to simply & completely be ignored. Like friends maybe this is just me not seeing the proper posts but while the fandom is inundated with art and fanfics of Macaque as a generally decent individual & a true member of team good guy, I have yet to see one person address the fact that this monkey literally kidnapped & mind-controlled Xiaotian’s best friend and father figures & forced them to brutalize Xiaotian while ol’ Six Ear looked on and laughed (X_X). Like this kind of fandom villain treatment is definitely not something that’s solely at work for Monkie Kid, but it is kind of nutty how fandoms will swing between yelling that people should be allowed to like villains without even mild critique, and then will just flat-out not address the villainous behavior, and will even bend over backwards to frame even characters who committed genocide as just poor innocent widdle victims who need a hug. At its worst, I’ve even seen tons of people in a fandom get really angry at other people who don’t like a villain, and will even start accusing those people of hating real-life mentally disabled or abused individuals all because they don’t like the fandom’s favorite literal war criminal. The Monkie Kid fandom is FAR more chill & better than a lot of other fandoms I’ve come across in that regard, but that is an exceedingly low bar, & the tendency to woobify certain kinds of villains-- as with Macaque and the extreme emphasis on his bad boy/sad boy thing--is very much at work.  

 I’ve also talked before about a kind of monoculturalization of certain character interpretations and story beats in fandoms, and one of the more popular ones that seems to be applied to Macaque a lot is the “hero actually bad, villain actually good” cliche, as observable from the general fandom assumption that Mr. Six-Ears he wasn’t even slightly lying or remembering things through a rose-tinted or skewed lens when he gave his version of his and Sun Wukong’s past. Like at this point it seems the possibility that people WILL NOT even consider is that Sun Wukong never did & still doesn't care that much about the Six Eared Macaque (in JTTW they weren’t sworn brothers & in Monkie Kid the only thing the monkey king really said to Macaque before attacking him was a pretty contemptuous "Aren't you ever going to get sick of living under my shadow?," & responds to his "beloved friend" getting blown up with "You did good, bud" to Qi Xiaotian, who did the exploding), or that their original fight may in fact have mostly been instigated by Macaque. After all, to repeat what this anon summarized & what I've said before about their original JTTW context (& in an example of the things that do feel like it's often lost in translation) is that the Six Ear Macaque was a villain not just because he beat up the Tang Monk, but because he wanted to take over Sun Wukong's entire life and identity so he could have all that glory, prestige, and power for himself. To quote the macaque himself from the Anthony C. Yu translation, "I struck the T'ang monk and I took the luggage...precisely because I want to go to the West all by myself to ask Buddha for the scriptures. When I deliver them to the Land of the East, it will be my success and no one else's. Those people of the South Jambudvipa Continent will honor me then as their patriarch and my fame will last for all posterity." And in order to do this, the Six Eared Macaque had apparently made Sun Wukong's "little ones," his monkey family, his captives through either trickery or force, and gotten a number of them to take on the appearance of Tang Sanzang and the other pilgrims. It's also made clear that in very direct contrast to Sun Wukong, he doesn't care about these monkeys beyond how they might serve him. In fact, after Sha Wujing kills the monkey posing as him the Six Eared Macaque not only all but immediately replaces him with another, but also "told his little ones to have the dead monkey skinned. Then his meat was taken to be fried and served as food along with coconut and grape wines." So this monkey is not only willing to risk the lives of a lot of other monkeys for his own personal benefit, but is also a literal cannibal. And yes yes, I know a lot of people have argued that Monkie Kid shouldn't be considered a direct sequel to JTTW & that's fair enough (for example, Sun Wukong probably shouldn't be smashing anyone into a meat patty in a children's cartoon lol). And of course, it needs to be noted that there are a buttload of really out there & really cursed pieces of media based on JTTW & that were created in China. Yet the above description is the oft-ignored in the west original facet of the Six Eared Macaque's character. And it is this selfishness, entitlement, and treatment of other individuals as tools for his own self-serving ends  that is, from where I’m standing, still very much present in Monkie Kid. Like besides repeatedly going out of his way to physically and psychologically traumatize Xioatian, with the last episode Macaque seemed to be going right back to his manipulative ways. I’ve seen people frame their last conversation as Macaque softening to Xioatian a little bit, but personally that read a lot more like that common tactic among abusers where even after they’ve hurt you they’ll dangle something you want or need over your head (in Macaque’s case, the promise of desperately needed training and information about a serious looming threat), with the implication that you’ll only get it if you do what they want you to, such as, in this case, Xioatian going back to Macaque as his student even after having been so terribly hurt by this monkey, which would give Macaque power over Xiaotian and probably Sun Wukong as a result. And it is this violence and manipulation that it seems the fandom at large has tacitly decided shouldn’t even be addressed, instead leaning more towards a (and this is an exaggeration) “Six-Eared Macaque my poor meow meow Sun Wukong has always been bad & has always been wrong about literally everything” reading. 

And while it is the case that I am not Chinese and feel that as such it would be best left to someone who actually comes from that background to provide more context into how common interpretations of the Six Eared Macaque from China may clash really badly with the stuff the western fandom creates, it also must be noted that, as much as we all want to have fun in fandom & in spite of all the out-there versions of JTTW from China, we westerners should recognize that there is a very long and very ugly history of western countries stripping other cultures’ important religious and literary works for parts & mashing them into their own thing while implying or even insisting that what they present provides a true understanding of the original piece. And while I trust most individuals in regards to Monkie Kid are able to step back and think “this is a lego cartoon and not a set guide for how I should understand JTTW” (especially given the insistence that JTTW and Monkie Kid should be considered there own separate works) there does nevertheless seem to be something of a tendency to take the conclusions people come to, for example, about Sun Wukong’s characteristic in his lego form & then assume that’s just reflective to Sun Wukong as a totality. I imagine a good portion of this is due to people not reading JTTW & especially to not having easy access to solid information or answers about JTTW’s many different facets (like geez awhile ago I was trying to get a clear answer on what is considered the most accurate translation of the names of Sun Wukong’s six sworn brothers & got like 5 different responses lmao), but that tendency to take a western fandom interpretation & run with it instead of doing any background research or questioning said interpretation is still very much at play. As such, & as made prominent in the way people have been interpreting the dynamic between Sun Wukong and the Six Eared Macaque in the lego monkey show, tbh it does seem kind of shitty for western creators & audience to sometimes go really out of their way to ignore all of this original cultural & narrative context for the sake of Angst (TM) in Macaque's favor, demonizing Sun Wukong, and shipping the monkey king with his evil twin (X_X).

And speaking of which, even beyond the potential inherent creepiness & revulsion that can be inspired by this specific ship given common interpretations of the og classic's original meaning (again, it's my understanding, given both summaries of translated Chinese academic texts I've been kindly provided with, my own reading of the Anthony C. Yu translation of JTTW, & vents from a number of Chinese people I've seen on this site, that the Six-Eared Macaque is commonly interpreted in China as having originated from Sun Wukong himself as a living embodiment of his worst traits, hence why only Buddha can tell the difference between them & why the monkey king is much more slow to violence after he kills the macaque), I'd argue that in the face of all the uwu poor widdle meow meow portrayals lego show Macaque is, especially if you include JTTW's events, still in the role of “Sun Wukong but worse” as he is very much a violent & selfish creep. Like he was basically running around in JTTW wearing a Sun Wukong fursuit, but there he had the sole reason of wanting to replace Sun Wukong wholesale so he could have all the good things in the monkey king's life without actually having to work as hard for them. But if you combine that with Macaque now claiming that he used to be best friend with Sun Wukong in his pre-journey days (something that's made funny from a JTTW context given that that status actually belongs to the Demon Bull King lol), his original violence has now blown into this centuries long and really unhealthy obsession with the monkey king. Like he's apparently gone from wanting to literally be Sun Wukong to being so obsessed with getting revenge on Sun Wukong that he's got basically nothing else going on in his life. Like he's only appeared in two episodes but...does he have any friends? Any family? A career or even a hobby that DOESN'T center the monkey king? Anything at all outside of his "get revenge on and/or kill Sun Wukong/use his successor as my personal punching bag” thing? Like dude! That is extremely creepy and extremely bad for everyone all around! As I’ve said before, this seeming refusal to see beyond the past or to do something that doesn’t involve Sun Wukong in some capacity is a trait that makes Macaque an interesting and somewhat tragic villain--he even seems to be working as Sun Wukong’s reflection in a mirror darkly, with lego show Sun Wukong pretty clearly not being able to heal from his own past which is hinted to be defined by one loss after another, and with Monkie Kid even kind of having these two characters somewhat follow their JTTW characterizations in that in the latter half of the journey Sun Wukong often gets sad & starts crying in the face of what seems insurmountable odds (& Monkie Kid Sun Wukong does seem to be hiding some serious depression behind a cheerful facade), whereas the Six-Eared Macaque retains a worse version of Sun Wukong’s pre-journey characteristic of getting pissed and lashing out if things don’t go his way--but it’s also what would make any current friendship or romantic relationship between these monkeys horrific. Although to be fair even the fandom seems to recognize this in an unconscious way, in that a lot of the art & fanfic seems to swing erratically between them kissing & screaming at each other in yet another example of bog-standard fandom adulation of romanticized toxic relationships lol.  

At the end of the day, of course, this is nothing new. You'll find versions of this dynamic across a ton of fandoms and now even canonical work. And as such, I can only look at this kind of popularized relationship dynamic with a kind of resigned weariness whenever it pops up, & my frustrated question with the popularity of this kind of pairing is the exact same one that I have for a multitude of blatantly toxic villain/hero ships, given common fandom discourse & the tendency to either ignore or justify the villain's actions & demonize the hero: if you're THAT convinced that everything is the hero's fault, if you believe THAT much that the hero is the one in the wrong for the villain's pain and their subsequent actions, then why are you so set on them not only becoming a romantic pair, but framing this get-together as a good thing? Like I know we contain multitudes but that's waaay too many contradictions for me to wrap my head around. And it definitely doesn’t help that one branch of underlying reasoning behind this kind of pairing seems to be the ever-present “you break it, you fix it” mentality, where the assumption is that if you’re in a failing, abusive, and/or generally toxic relationship (platonically or romantically), if you put in enough time and effort & attempts to compromise, you’ll be able to restore/have the relationship you dreamed of, even with someone who hurt you really badly. And this assumption isn’t limited to fandom: I’d even argue that it’s everywhere in the culture, hence why a lot of people feel like they “failed” if they have to get a divorce or make the choice to leave an unhealthy friendship. Personally, I feel like people could really benefit from more stories about how it is not only the case that the people you hurt don’t owe you their forgiveness & you can still become a better and happier person without the one you hurt in your life, & that while it can be really hard it can also be a good thing to leave a relationship, even if it’s one that once meant a lot to you. 

  But in all honestly, from my own perspective this kind of pairing is starting to read far less like enemies to lovers and far more like a horrible fantasy where you can pull whatever shit you want, even on the people you "love," & never be held accountable for your terrible behavior or even have to consider that maybe you were in the wrong. It's another facet that makes me larf every time I see people insist that fandom is an inherently "transformative" or "progressive" form of storytelling like friends you are literally just taking status quo toxic monogamy & rebranding it as somehow beneficial & romantic (X_X).

But as to anon’s last frustration, it is hard to know what is the appropriate response with this kind of thing...like for my own part I’m keeping my frustrations to my blog & now increasingly to posts that you would have to click on the “read more” button to see what I have to say, but I totally get the hesitation to give even a mild critique to big names in a fandom. Like I've now seen it happen repeatedly where someone who has a big name in a fandom will make something that's kind of shitty for one reason or another, someone will message them with some version of "hey, that's kind of shitty, you shouldn't do that," and the typical response is either to blatantly ignore the issue completely, or more popularly to make a giant crying circus that seems deliberately geared towards stoking emotions on both sides of the, for example, fiction does/doesn't affect reality issue so that something that didn't even have to be that big a deal gets blown out of all proportion, with the big name often framing what often started out as a very mild critique into a long crying jag about how the initial response to their kind of shitty thing was so mean/cruel and they're just a poor innocent & that YOU'RE the true racist/sexist/bigot etc. if you don't agree with their opinion. It must of course be noted that there have also been numerous instances of people taking it too far the other way & sending not just big names but smaller creators literal deaths threats over stuff like innocuous ships which like holy hell bells people that’s a horrible thing to do. But for the big names at least, the end result of all this fighting is usually that once the dust has settled they have more attention/fame/money/power in the fandom than before, and with anyone who might have a problem with their stuff feeling afraid to voice their opinion lest they be swarmed by that person's fans. In that way fandom does often seem to increasingly be geared towards presenting an “official” fandom perspective about various facets of a piece of media instead of allowing for a multitude of interpretations, and with criticism, no matter its shape or form or how genuinely warranted it may be, being hounded out of existence. I feel like a lot of this could be made less bad if there wasn’t this constant assumption & even drive to think that a different interpretation of or criticism of your favorite work of fiction or your fanwork isn’t a direct claim that you are a thoroughly loathsome individual (& maybe also if people cultivated an enjoyment of learning things about important works from a culture outside their own, even if what you learn clashes with your own initial understandings), but I guess we’ll see if that ever happens. 

So these are my general thinks about the Six Eared Macaque’s current fandom meow meow status & some of my bigger gripes with fandom tendencies as a whole. I stand by my idea that the most interesting & beneficial route for Macaque moving forward would be a kind of “redemption without forgiveness from the ones you hurt” arc--as I think was done pretty excellently with the character Grace in Infinity Train--and if for no other reason than gosh dern this monkey really needs to cultivate some sort of identity beyond his “Sun Wukong but worse” persona. 

#lmk macaque #monkie kid macaque #6 eared macaque #monkie kid #lmk sun wukong #qi xiaotian #lmk monkey king #sun wukong #monkey king #journey to the west #jttw #fandom criticism #lmk