#which are the names i gave them due to already being extremely mentally ill about zach and jess characters named clark and brian

[gaybearwedding]

so clark and bryce were definitely flirting with each other at every single cornhole competition they went to right

#and bryce was SUPER normal about it #i feel like they both absolutely knew their feelings were requited it’s just that they’re a fucking mess #anyway first pibe drawing :] #i am Not particularly good at art but i did my best and i think it’s cute #yes the proportions are weird we don’t need to talk about it #i’m not 100% satisfied with it but i’m tired of looking at it so it’s fine #also it physically pains me to use their canon names instead of cole (clark) and graham (bryce) #which are the names i gave them due to already being extremely mentally ill about zach and jess characters named clark and brian #but obviously that would not make any sense to anyone but me and my girlfriend #anyway. i luv them #play it by ear #pibe #cornhole in one #zach reino #ross bryant #dropout #mine #art #my art

[yes0another0outsiders0blog]

Hey, I'm infodumping about my oc, hope y'all don't mind...

When I was in middle school and was first made to read The Outsiders, I was REALLY going through some shit and I was a HARDCORE fandom girlie (gender neutral) for escapism reasons. I don't even remember this OCs old name or 90% of their story, but I've decided recently that I wanted to completely revamp them because I'm in a weird mental state lately and I'm into the book again, so I might as well.

This is gonna be a long post, I'm GETTING INTO IT with how my mental state and age affected how I made this OC and how I, as a more media literate and experienced adult, redid the same character to better reflect how I am/see things now. I don't expect people to read this. Again, I just wanted to infodump about a VERY old OC. So, let's get into it!!

WARNING : this post includes heavy talk of depression, undiagnosed autism, and home issues, and light mention of personality disorders, eating disorders, and sexual abuse

[divider by v6que]

The Origins :

In middle school, I was already pretty deeply into the extreme burnout and severe depression that would follow me on and off until now. Maybe for the rest of my life. Around the time that my class read The Outsiders, it was not really early on into me having mental illness but it probably was the first time that it got really bad. Something that's frequent enough to deal with now, but back then I didn't know how to cope. One of the only ways that I really could was through escapism and maladaptive daydreaming (something I still struggle with, albeit in a far healthier manner than I did back then), so when the teacher brought out those books I latched on STRONG. It became a quick special interest, far before I knew what a special interest even was. So, of course I threw myself into the story INTENSELY.

I think this oc was partially self insert and partially pure Mary Sue. I was probably about 12 and I just so desperately wanted to have perfection. I was also starting to exhibit the very first signs of NPD at that time, though personality disorders like that are tricky to accurately see in anyone that young. My delusions of grandiose and need to see myself in positions of success and power were strong, even for someone at that age, so I tended to imagine myself as characters that could achieve that perfection and control.

All I remember about this OC for certain is that they were 18, from New York, had a SUPER tragic backstory but was also SUPER rich (like, I think I actually looked up the richest person in the 60s and gave this OC an extra .2 mil if I'm remembering correctly), and that they bought an abandoned mansion that they were rebuilding basically all by themself. Yes, this tragic millionaire did have insane DIY skills and know how to build houses. Don't ask why.

On top of that, I can assume a lot about how the original OC was based on how I know I was at the time. I'm pretty sure I very intentionally made them 18 so that they could be in some weird poly relationship (not saying poly people are weird, I'm poly, I'm saying that I made it weird and none of these people would be in the same polycule) with basically everyone, because the age gaps didn't seem much to a child. I wanted to be loved, due to fandom and shipping culture and being at the age that you start to explore romantic relationships I only saw value in romantic love at the time, I didn't feel loved in any way back then so I wanted this version of me to have it all. They were probably some flavor of nonbinary, but I don't quite remember which one. This was around the time that I had just started questioning my gender, so I probably played with that a lot with this character. Their tragic backstory almost certainly included SA, a lot of my stuff does to this day if I'm writing specifically to cope because it's a part of my life that I think about a lot. Super short-lived (which I will forever be thankful for), but something that I wonder about the long-term issues of a lot, so I do play with it when I create characters a lot. Also, I was emo as FUCK and thought I was SO edgy, so they honestly might have been an assassin. They probably killed at least a few people, but I'm really assuming I made them an assassin because I thought it'd be super badass. Could be wrong, I don't remember well enough, but I really wouldn't doubt it. Most of my OCs were assassins back then. I still make a lot of assassins, but I at least try to make it make sense in the media I'm making things for, lol.

Cherry Picking :

When I got back into The Outsiders, and the nostalgia that goes with it, I was reminded of them. And I knew I wanted to play around with them again in some way, but I didn't really know how because they were just... so poorly made, tbh. I didn't remember anything, but everything that I did remember was TRASH. But if I was going to revamp this old OC, I wanted enough of them that I could really connect the two instead of just making a new character completely. So, what did I want to keep? I'll be honest, this character is *mostly* a just-for-me OC. I'm not writing fic or roleplaying with them, so I did keep a little cringe in for the nostalgia. If this was a character that I made with posting them frequently in mind I'd have made them properly well written, I just fixed them enough that I can personally stomach them as a more experienced writer and person.

The biggest part of this OC was the abandoned/run-down house that they bought and fixed up. This was a not-so-subtle symbol for me taking care of and fixing my personal broken state of mind. I felt empty and hollow and like I was falling apart, I felt personally connected to things that were empty and hollow and falling apart (still do), this house is me. It is still my biggest dream to buy a completely unlivable old house and make it into a home. This is especially important, I feel, when the book has such an emphasis on community and the bonds between the characters. If I'm making my OC the center of this story I've made for myself, then it makes sense for the house to be the center of it all. A house that they can invite these people into to help build up (to help build up their life, to invite people into their life... yay symbolism!!), it's a solid theme that is super important to the character, so I think it is completely necessary to carry over into this new version.

I also kept them being super rich but troubled. I turned the heat down on that a LOT, but it's still there. I just like the idea of it, and it also makes sense for how they could buy this house after just arriving into a new place after freshly turning 18. Instead of making them literally the richest person in the world, I made them grow up solidly upper class. Like, they could probably make fun of a Soc for being a broke bitch, their father was hanging out with huge CEOs and such, etc. but there's still SA (because I still use this OC for coping and escapism and power-fantasies, don't worry about it), there are a lot of mommy issues (because I have mommy issues), there is other trauma there. Their parents die when they're in their early teens (older than it use to be, but "edgy rich orphan" use to be my favorite trope and I really went hard with it so I can't really untangle it from this character without changing everything), they mainly delt with really questionable relatives after that (I was also into aSoUE back then, can you tell?), but when they got their inheritance at 18 they pretty instantly went "you know what, screw you all, I don't need this!! I can make it just fine on my own, I don't need ANY 'help'!!" (*cough* while using daddy's money *coughcough*) and dipped, which is how they ended up in Tulsa. When I was little, I gave it to them without issue, but now that mentality fucks them HARD.

I also took them out of that weird "everyone is in love with and dates them" situation, but I did pair them with Dallas. I think I could have not paired them at all or went with someone else and it would be more realistic maybe, but this was a little treat to young me, lol. I was obsessed with this man (still am, but in a different way), so I think it would be a good little call-back to the time when I made this OC that I so desperately wanted to be. This is weird past wish fulfillment, nothing more.

The Changes :

Obviously, I made an ass-ton of changes.

First of all, the house isn't a mansion anymore, it's a 3-bedroom. And she doesn't magically fix it all on her own. She is really stubborn on wanting to do things herself, a LOT of it is done with friends, it is mostly DIY. Again, the house stands for community and letting people in and fixing yourself and letting loved ones help fix you and asking for help. But sometimes you need a professional, yeah? She doesn't know how to do everything, she's so determined to learn and *CRAVES* a level of independence, being sheltered and not knowing things is a sore subject for her and she wants to know how to do... EVERYTHING. But she doesn't, especially at the start.

I really wanted to give her a sense of confusion with this new world she's in. She's absolutely a little spoiled rich girl, and sometimes she acts like it. She just doesn't *understand* the world. She comes from such a wildly *different* world, and frankly she didn't even understand that one. The original OC could adapt to anything, this one is alien in every situation. For the same reason, honestly, I'm autistic. And I grew up feeling so alien and not understanding any situation I was put it. When I was younger, I felt power in making characters that didn't have my shortcomings. Now, I want a character that IS alien and confused and doesn't understand the world around her AT ALL and I want her to have a support system and people who will tell her when she's being naieve and people who will love her anyway. I think she still adapts REALLY well, she's autistic-coded as well, and she masks a lot. She's good at mimicking people, she can get over the initial shock of things and empathize decently and learn really fast when she puts her mind to it (at risk of burnout, though), she asks questions and wants to get better with things. But she's human.

Also, as you can probably tell by the change of pronouns in this section, I made her more fem. It makes sense in the setting. Not saying that nonbinary people weren't around in the 60s AT ALL, but it was less of a known thing and I feel like she would be content enough with being read as a woman (though might see gender roles a bit different, again, just due to having atypical world views that can come with autism). It was important that my OC was nonbinary at the time because I was just coming into questioning my own gender, but now I'm more confident and don't have as much of a need for all of my characters to be tools in that.

Wren :

So, I named her Wren. And she's still my dear little trauma buddy.

Her home, specifically.

This is what I base it off of, btw!

The porch is a sunroom, and I absolutely did no research on if this would be appropriate to shove in Slightly Outside of 1960s Tulsa, Oklahoma. It's my dream home, the home is literal symbolism for my soul in my little coping fantasy, so whatever.

Wren is 19 (18 when she ran away, 19 by the time that I'm usually daydreaming about her story), and it takes place about 8 months(ish?) after The Outsiders takes place but in an AU where none of the events from the story actually happens.

She has the kind of attitude of "I'm going to make it on my own" but also uses her fat inheritance to do so. She does get a job waitressing at a local diner the second she gets to Tulsa and lives out of a cheap motel until she can get the house to a livable state. Her thought process is mostly "I can use my inheritance/savings on investments (like the house), but I want to prove that I can live off of my own earnings day-to-day" and it is a STRUGGLE. Totally slips up, but it's a HUGE learning curve to learn to live within your means. Also, considers buying things for her friends an investment in their relationships, she will spoil any of her buddies in a SECOND, super generous to those she loves even if it blows through her entire inheritance, she wants the people she loves to know that they are loved and cared for. She meets a few members of the gang at the diner, basically becomes obsessed with them (anyone else with autism and/or a personality disorder just get REALLY into the most random people ever for no reason?), and the friendships and relationships evolve from there.

A huge thing about her is that she's super nice but, like, by choice. Was raised to be hateful, was bullied and verbally/mentally abused enough to be bitter, was sheltered to the point of ignorant harm, constantly fighting against her first thought when met with something new. But she so desperately wants to be kind and understanding, so she genuinely puts EVERYTHING into learning how. She's not a good person sometimes, but by god is she TRYING. Because, uh, me. I'm just low-empathy, though, not super wealthy. Lol.

It's a ton of unlikely friends, seeing different parts of the world, growing up type shit in her story.

There's also comfort because I have disordered eating and I want comfort. I have depression and angry, violent meltdowns and really bad memories and I want comfort. Fight me, the purpose of this OC is the same after all these years.

This a doodle of her!!

Again, long ass post that I only made for myself. I only made her for myself period. She's a therapeutic tool for me, mostly. She's just taken up a lot of my mind lately because, uh, I've been using that tool. I'll be okay eventually, I'm just not right at this second and I wanted to share MY GIRL while I was thinking about her.

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

#juno steel #benzaiten steel #meta #the penumbra podcast #benten steel #sarah steel #psychology #enmeshment #bad parenting #iimpavid writes #chatter #the monster's reflection #the case of the murderous mask

[zuffer-weird-girl]

The Asylum

Synopsis: The U.A was a known Asylum. Known of being the current house for the most dangerous persons with the most tragocs backstorys and trauma. An universe where quirls dont exist, but heroes take the places of doctors, students are trainers and of course; villains are the pacients.

I am planning to do for all the boys I write and Shigaraki version of it (surprise shiggy stans!) Let me know if you would be interested.

Kai Chisaki:

You are currently a new doctor that the Asylum recide to take under their wing. Obviously not to good intentions. Since there is a pacient no one seems to even dare to croos his dorm room... so will you be able to tame the beast?

The limo you were in along with Nezu and the famous doctor Toshinori Yagi along with his aprendice Izuku Midoriya was sorta of glamorous... too much to your own point of view. But how could you point that out? Espevially to the ones whose kindly offered a job as soon as you got your graduation.

You were viewed as the "too kind and sensitive" to be a doctor or a psychologist, yet you still remained your ground and got your degree! And was now facing the kind hearted doctor Toshinoru himself! He was the most respected and talented doctora of all Japan, who just couldn't admire him?

The car came to an stop and Nezu gaze a hearted chickle after finsihing his cup of tea, which didn't even dropped a drop of the drink, before smilling at you as Toshinori and Midoriya helped you out.

"You two are too kind!" You spoke as the boy blushed crinsom red and laughed nervously as Nezu caught your attention.

"(L/n)-san, uou must know that despite us having the best of security measures, evil persons live on here and they can and some even will hurt you. Poor Midoriya-kun had to deal with a teenage girl around his age last week and almost got stabbed."

You widened your eyes as you saw by thhe corner of your eye the poor boy shivering at the memory as Yagi patted him by the head with a nervous chuckle.

You followed Nezu when he entered the building and found the place surprisingly intact even if hearing some shouts, psyotic laughter here and there..

"Im so sorry to not introduce the place for you (L/n)-san, but I have not only young Midoriya here but also another "student" to take care of." The man laughed as you smiled up at the man.

"I understand. Having onterns at such a young age must give some work." The blonde chuckled as he waved while Midoriya wished you a good first day at work before Nezu called you to stand beside him on a elevator and pressing the button to go down.

The number of the monitor, indicating the floors, were lowering as you arched an eyebrows until you jumped at hearing nezu giggling.

"We have floors that indicate which state our pacients mental health is... the lower the floor, the more these expecific pacients of oura need desperately for help."

"I see..." you picked your bag and took out the paste that only had the name and doccuments of your future pacient... Chisaki Kai.

A man around 20 and 25 years old that was a surgeon once, raised by a mafia boss. After being catched of by police for trying to make an unknown and forbided drug he was arrested. His adopted father had gotten ill and eventually put into a coma... in desperate to gain some blood for the elder the only with the compatible blood type of his father was his nephew... it seems that he had almost taken the blood of the girl by force due to desperation after he got out of prison...

Not even succeding on helping the old man, he got send to the Asylum after the acussation of his poor mental state. He got into a physical and heavy fight coincidentally with another pacient of here, and lost both of his arms.

He seemed also to have some sorta of OCD. His mysophobia being so advantege that not even if he comes to contact with dirty places, but even if he felt nervous or angry, hives would appear on his skin... also suffered from PTSD attacks and was paranoid, seing figures of assasinans and monster of four arms after the loss of his father and own members...

This patient is considerated one of the mosy dangerous around here even if missing both arms, now aparently substitute by prosthetics..

NOW you knew why anyone hasn't been very fond of him... the man had beaten up three of his previous doctors and almost send one to heaven.

The sound of your gulp got mixed with the ones of the doors of the elevator opening and Nezu menyioning for you to follow him on the hall.

The entire hall was super and almost shinning clean as you walked through it.

"As you saw on his file. Chisaki has a serious matter with dirt, even going as far as to almost beat our janitor after finding a piece of fry lying on the cafeteria. After that, he reveives his meal only on his room in hopes je doesn't cause such a tragity like before..."

"I see he is pretty... demanding." You muttered as Nezu stopped by a door made of Iron as he searched for a key.

"Surely, not even one of his doctors got the chance to knowing kore than his files, so I wish you to be the lucky one." The man smiled at you before pushing the door.

"... who is it?" The voice came from the darkest part of the room and you saw a hunched over form after squinting your eyes hard enough. The voice was deep and low kinda sexy even

"Chisaki. I have the honor to present you the doctor (L/n) (Y/n)-"

"Ah, another doctor I see." It came as a scratchy sigh, his head lifting up to reveal a man with gorgeous golden dull eyes and brow hair similiar to the woods of a pine, his skin pale amd the prosthetics arms shine the light of the halls back into your eyes.

This was against your own code.... but damn this man was hot.

"Is.. a pleasure to meet-"

"Lets see how much long will you last..." he said with a empty smirk before falling back to his stoic and empty expression, staring at the wall and demanding for you both to get out.

Nezu sighed as he accompanied you to outside and looked at you expectedly.

"... I think I can deal with him. He doesn't sound too bad as his files give away." You smiled at Nezu as he gave a rather relieved sigh and shook your hand in glee.

"Great! Your consulta will hlbe in his room witha bodyguard waiting outside to provide you security as he will be handcuffed for extra care."

You frowned at that as the man handed you the key and accompanied you for an tour around the whole building... Handcuffed? This was a bit extreme...

Wasn't it?

.

.

.

You breathed in and out as the guard was already set on post to watch over. Turning the key to open and quickly close it as instricted by other doctors and collegues.

"Hello." You greeted softly while closing the door as he stared at the table he was handcuffed with "I believe we didn't had a much pleasurable start due to Nezu there..." you seated on ths chair in front of him as he gritted his jaw.

It was silence for a bit as you sighed in sympathy.

"Listen, I have nothing here. Neither to hurt or touch you. I also took at least three showers before coming here to talk with you. I was rather excited to be honest." You smiled at him as he only arched an eyebrow up, still stoic expression.

"Foolish." He gritted through teeth as you tilted your head in confusion "You heard of me getting three people at least to the verge of death... Tell me, how cam you defend yourself from me?" His voice lowered dangerously but you still remained grounded. Surprisingly not even feeling scared.

"You mean also from the... monsters?" You saw how his muscles tightened as his eyes widened at you before narrowing them deep into your soul.

"Dont play like that. I know no one can see them... is just me."

"Well, that is true..." you leaned a bit towards him "But that doesn't mean I cant just try to understand you."

"Is that supposed to make me laugh? I dont need this stupid shit." He hissed while glaring at you.

"I suppose... but when was the last time you talked with someone though?"

It was silent... then he just sighed a bit shakily before starting to scratch the upper part of his arm...

"Get out. Now." You hummed, eviting to giggle at the shocked face he tried to hide at sieng you actually was leaving after he demanded.

"I will be back by tommorow then. Have a nice day Chisaki." You left the room and was inspected by the guard for any form of bruises or injuries and yhey were impressed.

"You're the first one that didn't got injured with that guy over there..."

"I think i just might be getting somewhere with him if I try hard enough."

.

.

.

Slowly but surely you got to talk with Chisaki. He still remained reserved most of the time, but as soon as you brought up the topic of a mess on the first floor was enough to make him complain about the quality of this place.

It wasn't exactly a start... but you did needed to get some sorta of trust of him on you.

One day you were about to enter the room and saw the episode everyone warned you about. His hallucinations.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" you dodged the table he threw with all the force he had near the door as you closed immediatly when you heard the bodyguard calling for others to help put Chisaki on a straightjacket.

"Get out! Get OUT! GET OUT OF HERE!" he shouted at the top of his lungs as he lunched the air and walls as you watched in wary and worry in your eyes as you tried to aproach safetly from behind.

"Chisaki-" you gasped when he almost punched you if it wasn't for your good reflexes "Chisaki listen to me!"

Ee only let out a bloody scream as he tried with all his forces to attack you before he caged you by the wall as you gagged at the metal hand on your throat.

"Chisaki.. im not here to hurt you-!" You tried to push more air into your lungs as he growled.

You tapped his shoulder out of desperation and immediatly gasped for air as he jerked away from your touch, blinking as if he had just woken up as you coughed.

When you opwned your eyes and saw him standing up, looking at you in shock you sighed in relief while getting up.

"H.. How? How did you make him to..?" He whispered while looking around the room in desperation "H-He was just... here-! He was HERE!" He shouted, his anger coming back as you walked towards him.

"Chisaki.." his amber and wrathful eyes looked into yours as you asked softly "What was in here?"

"It was.." he looked at the ground comflicted before grasping his hair with a groan "No no.. cant be... CANT BE! HE ISN'T HERE!"

"Who isn't here? Chisaki?"

"MY IDIOT FATHER!" he shouted "HAPPY NOW DOCTOR?!"

You widened your eyes as he breathed in shakily before dropping on the ground and crossing his arms to support his head.

"But... why would your-"

"Not the one in my files..." he groaned before looking at the wall numbily "My biological shitty one... an abuser. Use that to get a promotoon or whatever brat.. just leave me alone."

You furrowed your eyebrows down at him. Your heart speaking louder than your mind as you gently aproached him and seated next to him, maintaning enough distance to mantain him on a comfortable state.

"... I thought you didn't remember your biological parents." You commented as he linched the bridge of his nose.

"How could you forget someone that made your childhood a living hell?" He breathed out "I dont even know why I am even telling you this..."

"... let me guess.. abusive?" You spoke with sadness as he chuckled darkly.

"Pitying a sociopath and murder now doctor?" He brushed his fangs away "Don't. Is pathetic."

"Abusive." You confirmed as you stared at the wall he was facing at "Instrict father and negletful mother..?"

"... the man was an arrogant bastard... always beating and just taking away any sorta of ways of basic needs.. while my mother was a selfish women whose always called me a failure. A burden. A mistake... my father on one day was about to beat me up for grabbing something to eat..when I grabbed his gun to defend myself and accidentally shot him... the woman called the police on her own 5 years old child can you imagine that?" You stared at him in sadness.

No one knew his backstory. No one knew anything about him when he was under 12 years old. His archive compeltely erased... and there he was.

"The visions you have... is of him?"

"... a more like fusion or something." He groaned whipe scrwching his face "Has his face but has the arms of a beast... and four arms... other times is that Shigaraki that took my arms... others are my mother just trying to stab me or hold me down while she yells for me to... to behave..." he sighed shakily "Is the session over yet?"

You frowned before slowly aproaching him and taking his metal hand on yours as he widened your eyes.

"Is over.. but if you want i can stay here... to make sure those assholes wont be back." You smiled up at him as he stared at you like you grew three heads.

"I... I believe you have other places to be...?"

".. I enjoy having your company." You smiled again "After all, you dont deserve to be left caged alone.. You're still human after all.."

He stared at you before looking at the wall as you giggled a bit at the tips of his ears getting red as he thought over and over again.

Was he... was he really worth of being called a human?

.

.

.

"This new medication here might give some colateral effects, so after taking them i need you to tell me. But asides from that they will releave a but if that itchy feeling of your hives and the other will help a bit with your-"

"Hallucinations" the man completed as he analyzed the bottle only to sigh and open it later "I saw them once in the hospital I worked for."

"Oh I see!" You replied cheerfully at seing an opportunity to talk with him "I know you were an explendid surgeon."

"... kind of. Had almost a heart attack when blood was spilled on my skin now at then. Sicks.." He looked at you snorting before the hint of a smirk started to form only to dissapear as he took the two piles onto his hand.

"Uh.. You need to eat first to take your meds." You warned before he could plop the pills on his mouth... he stared deep into your eyes as he lowered them on a napkin and leaned on his chair while crossing hsi metalic arms.

"Then I guess I wont be taking it. The food of this place is horrible and disgusting. Not as much as my room." You arched an eyebrow at him before furrowing them in worry.

"What? Dont they clean your room? The halls are even shining. And what about the food?"

"Not quite." He sighed "A precary job, and some guards like to come by and dirt the place just to give me a headache... the food is just the same."

You hummed before getting up.

"Well then, I guess I have to grab somethings and demands some changes..."

"Oh, how adorable. You getting my food? Make me laugh some more doctor, Im dying to see it." He spoke on a nonchantly tone as you only poked your tongue out at him before muttering that you would be right back.

To him it seemed like hours you had gotten out and even dared to scold on how slow you must be.

"I brought you what seems to be your favorite! Not the food from the cafeteria, I swear!"

He watched in amusement and accidentaly smiled at seing you there with what was once his favorite food until he flinched at your gasp.

"I see a smile thereeeee!!!!" You pointed at his face repeatedly as he surprisingly gently slapped your hand away while taking the bag.

"You're such a nuisance." He sighed, hating how his mouth drooled.

"I washed the fork."

"But I didn't even-"

"I know you Kai." You giggled before widening your eyes and slapping your hands over your mouth in shock.

His eyes were also wide open as you felt your face heat up.

"Im so sorry! It was so unproffesional this oh my Go-"

"Is..." he interrupted you while looking at the opposite direction of yours "Alright... surprisingly my name doesn't sound... so bad when you speak... doctor."

Your eyes softened a bit as a flustered and quite a happy smile graced over your features that made him blush even more.

.

.

.

"Is impressive!" Toshinori and Nezu exclaimed together as they saw the progress yoh had made with Chisaki only in a matter of months as you giggled. "You're a god send (L/n)-san!"

"Please!" You waved them off in embarrassment.

"No no, none of that young one!" Yagi snorted "We decides to give you a week of vacation after such an amazing progress like that! Starting today!"

"T-Today?!"

"Yeah! Dont worry about your pacient, we will get him a substitute just to make him take the meds."

You didn't had much of a choice since they already send the poor guy over his way.

.

.

Two days... two days and you simply wasn't here. Just seing a trembling hand almost throwing the pills at him as he sighed in dissapointment. Two days and he hadn't see the face of his beautiful and pretty doctor of his... he couldn't believe it...but he was so desperately craving them. To hear her voice, to.. even feel his hand brush against hers...

He jerked up when he heard the sound of the door opening, narrowing hus eyes at seing that the doctor whose entered his room, wasn't his doctor.

"U-Uh... I-I'm here to-"

"You're." He standed up from his bed "Not." He walked close to the shivering doctor "my (Y/n)."

Before he knew it, he saw visions of you being handed and taken away by one of these monster as he shouted and beaten up the man, the security guard allerting all of the bodyguards about the pacient 14 leaving his cell and attacking others.

The alarms set off and all securities were called as he toom them down ome by one as he shouted with all the forces of his lungs:

"WHERE IS MY DOCTOR?! GIVE HER BACK!" he shouted as he took each one of them down and even managing to stab one of the doctors and one of the security guards witha freacking pen that was in the pocket of one of the pacients that was nearby.

“GET THE SEDATIVE AND THE STRAIGHTJACKET! QUICK BEFORE HE-” the poor guard had his head locked on Chisaki metal hand as he slammed him into the wall into the point it bleed.

He shouted in pain when he felt the syring on his neck, his body starting to get drownsy as he was threw down on the ground, still trying to fight until the end as he kept calling for you...

“Help me... PLEASE! I WILL BE GOOD! IM SORRY!” He shouted and cried at the same time “WHERE’S MY DOCTOR?! (Y/N)!”

He shouted your name until he had no voice or force t do so as his body gave out....

.

.

.

You ran after scoldng every one that tred to stop you as you searched for the key of Kai’s room.

You had received an emergency call after three weeks of your vacation and to say you were both terrified and worried was a understandement. You needed to see Kai. Just thinking about him prisioned on his room and on a jacket made you feel horrible... you even heard the possibilty of the U>A taking away his prosthetics arms due to “security measures”.

You opened the door and loghten up the lights to see Chisaki laying on his bed. A numb look towards the ceiling as you whimpered his name and went to stand close to him.

“... did you come to kill me..?” you widened your eyes as you thought the urge to tear up as you looked for the key of the straightjacket that Nezu gave it to you after your begging.

“Kai im so so sorry...” You whimpered while freeing him... HIm blinking as if he just notices your presence and moving his arms before sitting up.... looking at his metal fingers move, one by one..

“..Are you another hallucination...?” he flinched at your hand coming in contact with his cheeks ashe looked at you as if he was about to kill you right there.

“No... Kai, feel me.. I’m here. Aren’t the meds helping you anymore:”

He stared at you for a what seemed like a decade before he brushed his fingers on your cheek before choosing to bring you close on what seemed like a hug, since he coulnd’t feel with his prosthetics...

A shaky sigh leaved him as he clinged onto you.

“I... You weren’t taken away... I dont feel sick with your touch...” you hugged him back with a shaky inhale before breathing out.

“I wont be taken away... Im your doctor after all...” you buried your face on the crook of his neck and inhaled his clean scent. getting drunk by him.

You didn’t know when your lips came in contact, but they did... and you didn’t even cared about your carrer anymore, you only carried about him... you knew this man could and would get better. You just could feel it.

“You want to know something?” he whispered after the kiss as you hummed “You sound more like an angell to me. My angel.”

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #kai chisaki x reader #bnha villains x reader #kai chisaki #overhaul #bnha au asylum #pacient number 14 Chisaki Kai #bnha writings #bnha fanfiction #bnha fanfics #bnha villains #zuffer writings

[butwhatifidothis]

3H and Bleach: Where the Fuck am I

So, I’m finally hunkering down and trying to write out this post lmao. I’ve mentioned here and there how my personal experience with the 3H’s fandom is similar to my experience with the Bleach fandom’s in more than one way, and - look. Like, I get there’s definitely a semi-universal thing that goes on across all fandoms. I don’t mean for this to say that this only happens within these two fandoms, because duh, of course they don’t. But!! This post is partly me wanting to air years long annoyance towards the Bleach fandom that just so happens to coincide with my feelings towards the 3H fandom, sooo... yeah lmao

I’ll probably be skimming over some bits about 3H, since most people who come across this will already be familiar with what I’d be talking about in that regard vs Bleach, so just a heads up

Note: This is gonna talk about Bleach which will spoiler territory (writing this off the cuff so not sure where this is goin’ yet lmao but I know that much), so if you don’t wanna see that then don’t read this post lol, I know for sure I’ll be spoiling something ahhhh... noticeable, lol

Ableism against the mentally ill

Now, most people reading this post will be familiar with the blog and how this very, very much applies to 3H, but for the sake of this post I’ll lay it out anyway with a brief summary

Dimitri and Rhea are both characters within 3H that suffer from severe trauma that heavily impacts their mental state. Both are the sole survivors of a horrific slaughter, with that slaughter redefining who they are and leaving a permanent marker within their minds in some way (Dimitri with having auditory and visual hallucinations, Rhea with having obsessive tendencies towards bringing her mother back from the dead). Specifically in CF, both characters are set up in the plot as antagonists, with both characters having to relive their trauma in some way due to the actions Byleth and Edelgard take against them (for Dimitri, having his home be razed to the ground and everyone he cares for dying around him, for Rhea having someone use her mother’s mutilated remains be used to end her and her race) and express extreme anger towards Byleth and Edelgard before they are killed to progress/end the story

Now, uh, sad shit right? Not exactly fuckin’ happy sunshine rainbows. These two characters are put through the wringer and are then murdered. They are rightfully not the fuckin’ happiest because of what happened to them before and what happens to them within the present story. But we’ve heard it all before: “They were crazy!” “They couldn’t be reasoned with!” “They had to be put down out of mercy because they were too ~far gone~ to live happily!” “They needed to be killed for the good of everyone!” It’s an extremely ableist rhetoric that gets passed around the fandom as though it’s totally fine to directly state that mentally ill people should be put down if they’re deemed a “lost cause.” Especially worrying because. You know. If they are a “”””lost cause”””” then it’s directly and specifically because of actions Byleth and Edelgard take against them. 

But how does this remind me of Bleach? What kind of similar extreme, worrying ableism exists there? Well, let me introduce to best girl a certain character with... a reputation, to say the least:

Meet Momo Hinamori.

Holy shit it’s so weird writing this out because I’ve been wanting to for years but have never worked up the nerve to do it lol

It should be noted, in the Bleach verse there’s two worlds out of three - Soul Society and Hueco Mundo, though I’ll only be talking of the former - that deal with “souls” (the essence within a living human). Souls age far more slowly than human bodies do in terms of body, not necessarily the mind (so a teenage soul will likely behave as such for a long while) so keep in mind that I’m going to be using numbers that may seem weird to someone who hasn’t seen Bleach lol.  With that out of the way, here’s a similar, if longer for context to those who haven’t seen Bleach, summary for Momo’s character as it relevant to this post:

Momo is a character in Bleach that grows a deep admiration towards Sosuke Aizen, a respected captain of the military force called the Gotei 13. She comes to views him as the most important person in her world due to him both noticing and paying direct attention to her as well as saving her and her friends’ lives during a training mission gone wrong while she was younger. Note that “younger” here means 40 years ago from the start of the story. Aizen would praise her all the time, allow her to sleep over in his quarters, would drape his cloaks over her when she looked cold, and would overall treat Momo as though he was his daughter for most of the time we see them interact in the beginning portions of the show. Note that none of this is sexual in nature, nor is it ever implied to be seen as such. That’ll be important later in this post

To make a long story short, Aizen comes to betray her. He stabs her through the chest and shows and tells her that she never meant anything to him, throughout the 40 years they’ve known each other (which, mind, for a soul Momo’s approximate age 40 years is still a noticeable amount of time), and he was only using her to help bolster his image as a loveable captain so that he can hide his plan from everybody that much easier. He did horrible things to Momo - from setting her alarm clock back to a later time so that she would more likely come across his pinned, bloody fake corpse. to framing her childhood friend for the apparent murder and tricking her into fighting that friend, to far later in the series tricking that friend into stabbing her (hypnosis shit, to sum that up) for literally no stated reason - that ended up mentally breaking her. She couldn’t believe that the last four decades were all nothing but lies and she fell into a deep denial about Aizen’s true nature - someone else made him do everything he did, she must have missed something that would have warned her about Captain Aizen’s unfortunate situation that forced Captain Aizen to hurt her and everyone else. This denial would take the majority of Bleach’s entire runtime for her to get over completely, with her having hiccups in her recovery even as she works up the nerve to fight him.

Now, uh, also not the fuckin’ funnest of times to be had here. The deep, long-running mental and psychological manipulation of what approximates as a teenage girl from a trusted older figure is something that is very clearly horrific and bad of the older figure, right? Like, we’re on the same page here on that?

This wouldn’t be in this post if that was the case. No, Momo was the one constantly on fire for what happened to her. She was one of the most hated characters in the western audience, and there were endless jokes about “lol look at Momo, the pincushion!” “Crazy bitch Momo, better watch out!” making fun of her and her trauma relentlessly. If you managed to find a Momo fan in the early 2000′s you should have also bought a lotto ticket because holy fuck, everyone hated her. She acted in a startlingly real if deeply uncomfortable way in regards to years long manipulation and she was lambasted for it. She didn’t immediately get over decades long psychological abuse and she was called useless, weak, a horrible representation of female characters, stupid - you name it, she was likely called it. To this day I still tense up when I hear that someone likes Bleach and they mention Momo at all because I’m always thinking “does this person think this abuse victim is dumb for being abused?”

Dimitri, Rhea, and Momo are all victim-blamed to a disgusting degree in the 3H and Bleach fandoms. Dimitri and Rhea are always hit with “well if Dimitri hadn’t have fought back against Edelgard/Rhea caused the “”tyranical systems” in the first place, nothing would have happened to them!” and Momo was constantly hit with” well, it’s not Aizen’s fault Momo was so clingy to him, what could he have done!” and I get so fuckin’ mad dude.

But for Dimitri and Momo specifically, there’s one thing in particular that caught my attention:

The “Rejection Theories”

This had my head spinnin’ a bit when I first heard it, cuz I had managed to avoid the theory for a while in the 3H’s fandom, but apparently a sizeable amount of people seem to believe that Dimitri wasn’t just mad at Edelgard in the Holy Tomb because of... you know *waves hand* fuckin’ everything, but that the primary reason for his anger was that Edelgard... rejected his advances to her? And that the dagger he gave to her when they were 13 was a phallic symbol of baby Mitri’s want to have sex with Edelgard? And. Like. What in the fuck are you talking about. 

But like?? Bleach did this shit too with Momo?? It was also a sizeable amount of people - not everyone, but a noticeable amount - that believed that Momo was just mad that Aizen wouldn’t sleep with her? You’d see it pop up in fics so often, that Momo would want Aizen to fuck her and she’d “go crazy” when he denied her and Momo was actually just this shallow bitch who wanted a good fuck like... what.

Like, when I first heard the Phallic Dagger take the first thing that came to mind is “wait Momo was also accused of just wanting to have sex with the person who traumatized her wtf” 

“Actually it was the perpetrators that should be forgiven because lonely and also some shit about ruling better”

Those in the 3H fandom know how often the “Edelgard was lonely!” line gets thrown by just about every one of her stans. Edelgard was lonely and couldn’t trust anyone, so of course she did what she did! If she had someone near her she could trust she wouldn’t have acted like she does in the rest of the game! Nevermind that she “gets” this in CF in the form of Byleth and still acts just as shittily as she does in the other routes, or how being a little lonely doesn’t fuckin’ mean you get to start war. But anyway, we also hear that Edelgard was justified in doing what she did because her ruling Fodlan would have lead to more peace in the end, once she got rid of the power structures in place now (except that doesn’t happen but whatev I guess lmao)

Aizen? He was lonely too! He was far too strong for anyone to truly be able to understand him, and so he tragically fell down a dark path. If he had known someone who could be considered an equal to him he would have never done all the horrible things he did. And the Soul Society is unjust! It needs to be reformed! So him slaughtering hundreds of thousands of souls at the minimum to harvest all of their power to use as his own is justified because it’ll be used to create a more just society under his rule!

Like. Y’all. Lowkey? I’m so fuckin’ glad Edelgard proved herself to be just as fuckin’ awful with Byleth as without because this shit drove me up the fuckin’ wall back in the day. There was 0 ways to prove that Aizen would damn sure be just as fuckin’ bad if he had an “”equal”” to stand by him than if he didn’t, and I get to kinda be right because without fundamentally changing these characters’ backstories they would not give two flying shits about whether or not they had someone “equal to them” (which is still kinda degrading to think about anyway).

Now, this is where I move away to a different topic lol

A split in the narrative cause divides in the fandom

With 3H houses this is really fuckin’ easy to point at: there’s 4 routes, three consistent stories and one radically different story, and that difference in story causes heavy contention within the fandom. It’s very obvious so I won’t go over it much.

But how in the fuck is there a divide in Bleach? It’s not a fuckin’ Choose Your Own Adventure manga, it’s an anime and manga showing off the characters of Bleach’s stories and interactions (with, you know, plot and shit thrown in).

Well. It’s more accurate to say the anime told a story about the characters, and the manga told... the story about the characters.

In terms of plot, the anime didn’t change much from the manga, but hoo fuckin’ boy, did they change shit about some of the characters. Specifically, they changed a shit ton about three characters: the two main protagonists, Ichigo and Rukia, and another main character, Orihime.

Orihime. Got. Fucked.

The anime would make her far more ditzy and clumsy, her crush (turned growing love later on in the story) for Ichigo during more deeper moments that showcases her feelings for him were downplayed if not removed entirely in exchange for talking or thinking about food, key moments she has with Ichigo early in the manga were cut or deadass changed to something else in the anime, some key moments with her relationship with Rukia were cut, her backstory was watered down - so much of Orihime was fucked with in the anime (her fuckin’ introduction was changed drastically). Meanwhile Ichigo and Rukia were given moments that didn’t exist in the manga, they have filler arcs (remember those lmao) that would be stuffed with shit ton of moments for them that have no basis in the manga, other characters would change their behavior from the manga to reflect a sort of “thing” going on between Ichigo and Rukia.

Look, guys, the anime fucked up so bad the fucking mangaka, Tite Kubo, has said he gets stomach aches watching the early anime because it was that awful. And this divide between the anime and manga’s portrayal of these three character helped spawn the ship war of Bleach: Ichiruki vs Ichihime (oh but more on that in a bit). It tanked Orihime’s popularity because people thought she was the stupid dumbass that would stumble ass first into situations when that wasn’t her character at all. And because the majority of anime watchers only watch the anime... yeah, you can see where this went. So just like in 3H in Bleach you have these radically different tellings of the same characters that drove a big-ass wedge in the fandom

Marketing

Imma be transparent, like I’ve said before I managed to avoid nearly every marketing tactic for 3H so it’s a tad hard for me to speak personally, but from what I’ve been told Edelgard was heavily marketed towards the player base pre-release. She was the poster child of 3H, she got the figma, she was in the spotlight - unless you cleansed your board of 3H content you knew exactly who she was. On top of that, it doesn’t stop in-game - loading screen messages would assume you picked BE, Adrestia is the first option to pick when you want to impress one of the lords in the prologue, the BE class is the first option to pick in choosing which route to play, every character has some moment in the game post ts where they express sympathy with the woman who waged war on them for five years (even characters with no business doing so, like Seteth entertaining the idea that maybe Edelgard isn’t that bad during Myrddin). With all of that good PR for Edelgard in and out of the game it heavily impacted how people saw her, and much of it is used by stans to justify her being a good guy (mostly in the game marketing) despite everything else in the game clearly showing that Edelgard is the bad guy

With Bleach in that regard... you have Ichiruki

holy shit it’s so weird talking about Ichiruki i’m still lowkey nervous about talking about them lmao

With Ichiruki stans, they would cling onto outside material that promoted Ichigo and Rukia together as proof that their ship was going to be canon. Spreadsheets, calendars, poems (some of which didn’t even apply to Ichigo and Rukia’s relationship but they insisted they did anyway), novels - outside material that either wasn’t canon or didn’t pertain to Ichigo and Rukia’s relationship. They would shove it in the face of Ichihime shippers that “see, we have all this stuff for us! We ain’t starving tonight!” when the canon (note: in the manga particularly) would clearly show Ichigo and Orihime’s relationship being the one that leans romantic in multiple significant ways. They would latch onto irrelevant shit that ain’t had nothin’ to do with anything and wave around as a paragon of romance when it literally wasn’t even canon

Just fuckin’ ignoring the creators deadass

Creators and developers of 3H: Edelgard is the typical Red Emperor the only difference is Girl

Stans: that’s just a headcanon

Kubo: Ichigo and Rukia have a platonic relationship and I’ve publicly said this since 2008

Stans, now, to this day: Ichigo and Rukia were robbed

Making people reject what they’re stanning for

I’ve seen a few people express that the more they interact with the fandom and see what her stans are doing, the more they grow to dislike Edelgard despite (some) initially liking or even loving her. To put it simply, the same thing happened with Ichiruki - hell, this happened with me with Ichiruki. I can’t fuckin’ stand the ship anymore because every time I think about it I’m reminded of the absolutely rancid, disgusting things Ichiruki stans have to done to others in the fandom, and even after nearly five years after Bleach has ended I still tense up when someone says they like Ichiruki over Ichihime precisely because of the behavior of the stans, just like I side-eye people who say Edelgard is the best lord. Do they like them because they simply prefer them over the other(s) and they’re not totally fuckin’ bonkers, or are they totally fuckin’ bonkers. 

And, like, that’s not fair! I know that! But I can’t help but think that when such a loud amount of people act in such deplorable ways just because someone didn’t like a bunch of lines on paper/pixels on a screen.

To all the nice Ichiruki and Edelgard fans, hope y’all are havin’ a nice day.

Long, crazy ass explanations as to why X =/= X (and if anything actually means Y)

Teacher theory for 3H. How Edelgard totally didn’t hire Kostas to kill Dimitri and Claude and was only thwarted because Claude booked it, but how she definitely actually meant to simply scare away the teacher that was with them so that Jeritza could be pulled from his already existing position in Garreg Mach to teach one class so that Edelgard can kinda keep a sorta closer eye on exactly one of the other classes (and just do shit all about the other one I guess), because Jertiza’d be able to gleam so much from teaching a class for a few hours a day I promise 

But for Bleach, you also have one particularly infamous theory positing shit that don’t real, with enough renown to be known by a specific name, and that’s the Lust Arc = Fail essay

To explain what the essay is about, I have to set the scene up a bit. Imagine, you, with your tiny little monkey brain, are watching Bleach, and you get to the part where Main Boyo is fighting against Villain to save Girly. Other Guy is there too - this is important. Main Boyo tries his hardest to fight Villain, but is ultimately shot through the fucking chest with a laser from Villain and dies. Like, for bit actually dies. Girly breaks down, has a straight up mental breakdown because she always “knew” that Main Boyo could do anything, and now he’s been killed and is dead in front of her. She screams out Main Boyo’s name, hysterically begging him to save her and protect her because holy shit the love of her life has been brutally murdered in front of her what the fuck. But Main Boyo, from literally beyond the line of death, hears her pleas and snaps back to life as a monster, with the sentence “I MUST PROTECT” repeatedly running through his head and being the only sentence he ever says while in this form, with him fucking destroying Villain and even going so far as to directly hurt Other Guy when Other Guy tries to stop Main Boyo from utterly stomping on Villain. Girly is the only person Main Boyo does not directly hurt, and when Villain is damn sure gonna fuckin’ kick the bucket that is when Main Boyo reverts back human. Everyone is more than a little shocked at what happened, but it’s clear from how relieved Girly is when Main Boyo comes back safe and sound that while this event fundamentally will change their relationship (and it does), it is still one that is extremely strong and they won’t let it get between them (and they don’t).

Now, when looking at the summary, you, with your absolutely miniscule peanut of a brain, might come away thinking, “Hm, Main Boyo might kinda care for Girly given that he literally rose from the dead to protect her and only her and went back to normal once she was safe” and you poor fool would be oh so wrong, because actually, this is all proof that Mian Boyo doesn’t care for Girly and that Villain actually cared more for Girly than Main Boyo ever could.

Without diving too deeply into the absolute lunacy of the Lust Arc = Fail essay, that was its main premise. That Ichigo, after rising from the literal dead directly after Orihime begged and pleaded that he protect and save her and then going on to protect and save specifically her (as Uryu - Other Guy - is also a friend of Ichigo’s and got his fucking arm cut off by Monster!Ichigo), is proof against Ichihime being romantic in any way and was not, in fact, a fuckin’ giant neon flashing sign that read THESE TWO ARE GONNA GET TOGETHER. It was the dumbest shit ever, but Ichiruki stans, much like Edelstans with Teacher Theory, clung to it like white on rice. It didn’t matter how much it was utterly debunked, it didn’t matter how the base premise was stupid as fuck, they point to it as the pinnacle of meta for their respective fandoms in their respective spaces.

And all of this leads me to um... the one I’m kinda the most worried about?

Stan Behavior

Edelstans are their own unique brand of awful in that that the shit they spew is particularly... worrying (”genocide isn’t bad if they aren’t human and also they kinda deserved it” “imperialism isn’t that bad really” the mentally ill should be put down if they’re deemed ~too far gone~” among other... wonderful takes...), and their behavior is also quite shitty, harassing content creators that go against the Approved Opinions (Ghast) or forcing people to take down fanart and in general infecting nearly every Rhea space with all kinds of disparaging comments no one asked for. They actively make the fandom a worse space, and when they flare up it’s almost always noticeable (again, Ghast)

Bleach?

Oh boy.

Guys. If you weren’t there for the Canonization of Ichihime (2016). You dodged a fucking bullet.

The outrage was out-fuckin’-rageous. Their behavior was some of the worst reactions anyone has ever seen come from the canonization of a ship in a shounen. This includes, but is not limited to:

Someone tearing apart all 70+ volumes of Bleach and burning it in their bathroom

In fact, multiple people tearing up Bleach and burning it, while keeping the Ichiruki moments and taping it to their walls

A Rukia cosplayer, in Rukia cosplay, printing out the final color spread of the end-game couples and their friends lounging about - with colored ink and all - and burning it, while filming herself doing so

Ichiruki porn being sent to Tite Kubo

Tite Kubo being accused of grooming a 15 Orihime cosplayer with no proof

Tite Kubo being accused of lying about his various health issues

Ichigo and Rukia being drawn cheating on their spouses with each other - and some of that also being sent to Tite Kubo

Tite Kubo being chased off Twitter by Ichiruki stans... again

Ichihime shippers getting sent death threats

Ichihime shippers getting called delusional for thinking their ship had a chance before the endgame couples were revealed, and then being called delusional for thinking their ship had any real basis and wasn’t pulled “out of nowhere”

Tite Kubo being accused of hating women because of Orihime being shown in an apron in the last chapter and Ichiruki stans jumping to the conclusion she became a housewife, and then Tite Kubo being accused of hating women because when it was revealed that Orihime has a job in a bakery to pay for college later they insisted what Kubo should have done was have Uryu, who’s a doctor at that point, pay for Orihime’s college instead of having Orihime pay for it with her own money 

And mind you, this is only the stuff I’ve personally seen and experienced

I am hoping and praying that Edelstans never get as bad as Ichiruki stans did in 2016, but with how otherwise similar they are my hopes are dwindling more and more. I guess I can take solace in the fact that they aren’t quite... that bad yet? In terms of actions, at least? Their sentiments though are infinitely worse, so like... cool

#what the hell do I even tag this #i guess like #fandom observations #fandom critical #fandom criticism #yeah shit got BAD in the Bleach fandom in 2016 #and I fear what the return of the anime is gonna have in store #things already don't look good in the 3H fandom so like... yeah #wanted to get the Bleach rant off my chest for a long ass while now lol so glad I could do that #again wanna reiterate that this isn't exclusive to Bleach and 3H this is just my experience with them

[reallifesultanas]

Portrait of Ibrahim I / I. Ibrahim portréja

Birth and childhood

Ibrahim was born in October or November 1615 as the fourth son of Sultan Ahmed I and his favorite concubine, Mahpeyker Kösem Sultan. At his birth a total of seven (or eight) princes were before him in the line of succession to the throne: Ahmed I's younger brother, Prince Mustafa; Ibrahim's brothers: Osman, Mehmed, Murad, Bayezid, Hüseyin, Kasim, and there was a prince named Suleiman who was born about the same time. With such a background, it seemed almost impossible that Ibrahim could ever ascend the throne.

Ibrahim’s childhood was very difficult, as his father Ahmed I died in 1617 and for many years there were fights over the throne and a kind of hereditary chaos plagued the empire. The people were fed up with the fratricide, but Ahmed did not write a legal decree about who would follow him on the throne, his brother, Mustafa, or his eldest son, Osman. Eventually, with the accession of Mustafa, the inheritance officially changed, the throne no longer passed from father to son but was taken over by the oldest male. The following years were quite confusing, Mustafa was soon dethroned because of his mental illness, and Ibrahim's half-brother, Osman, ascended the throne. Osman was a very unpopular, bad ruler.

During the chaotic years, the child Ibrahim was torn from his mother, his sisters, and kept locked up with his brothers. Then, in 1621, his brother, Prince Mehmed, was executed by the then reigning sultan, Osman II. The death of his brother must have filled little Ibrahim and his brothers with terror. Not surprisingly, soon it became visible that Ibrahim was not completely mentally stable. The traumatic years made the young prince paranoid and unstable.

The reign of his full-brother, Murad IV, may have brought him some peace from 1623, as for about ten years their mother, Kösem Sultan, ruled the empire as regent and protected her sons with all her strength. It is important to mention, however, that Ibrahim practically had barely met his mother for six years from the age of two, so the reunion was less satisfying for him than to his older brothers, who could at least remember their mother.

The dread

We don’t know much about the daily life of Ibrahim and his brothers. Based on the surviving information, it is probable that while Kösem ruled as regent, although the princes lived locked up, they were not in complete isolation and could receive an education. However, the relative calm period ended soon, along with the regency of Kösem Sultan. In 1632, a Sipahi rebellion broke out, during which the rebels executed several loyal men of Sultan Murad. To make matters worse, the soldiers publicly demanded that Murad should show them his younger brothers. Murad was forced to give in to the demands and introduced his younger brothers. Ibrahim and his brothers could then face up that as long as they exist, they would always be dangerous to Murad, and this threatened their own lives.

Murad was also traumatized by their difficult childhood, which made him a tough and tyrant ruler. Unsurprisingly, he considered Selim I as his role model and tried to follow him in everything. This is why he wanted to bring back the old order of succession so that after his death his son would follow him on the throne, and not one of his younger brothers. In addition, Murad was deteriorating mentally and physically, so he began to become paranoid and saw conspiracy against him in everything. After the victory of Revan in 1635, while the people celebrated he ordered the execution of his two half-brothers, Prince Bayezid and Suleiman. The already unstable Ibrahim was certainly pushed further down the slope by this tragedy.

One of the last things that ruined Ibrahim’s common sense came in 1638, when after the victorious campaign in Baghdad, Murad executed his full-brother, Kasim, who was said to be the closest to him among his brothers. According to some sources, Ibrahim was also present in the Revan Pavilion, where the execution took place and his life was saved only by the supplication of Kösem Sultan due to his mental illness. Others said Murad did not even try to execute Ibrahim at that time. Either way, it must have been hard for Ibrahim that his brothers died next to him in a row, and his only brother, Murad, was more unpredictable.

His accession to the throne

After the execution of Kasim, Murad's health deteriorated for months. He had a chronic illness, but we don’t know much about it. Some said he may have had epilepsy, others said he may have had similar digestive problems as his father (Ahmed I) and grandmother (Handan Sultan). These were further aggravated by combat injuries, as Murad himself fought in his campaigns; and cirrhosis due to alcoholism. Murad was able to recover from his combat injuries, as in early 1640 he celebrated Ramadan without any problems, met his vezirs, and took part in events. In fact, to further tire his sick body, he regularly rode and alcoholized with his friends. On one such occasion, Murad lost consciousness and was taken back to Topkapi Palace by his bodyguards. According to some, on his deathbed, Murad ordered the execution of Ibrahim, but there is no evidence of this.

As Murad passed away, the throne passed to the oldest (and in this case the only) heir, Ibrahim. Grand Vizier Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasha went to Ibrahim's apartment, telling him that Murad was dead, so he had the throne. However, Ibrahim did not believe him. The mourning Kösem Sultan then tried to talk to her son, but Ibrahim did not trust anyone after the tragedies of recent years, so he refused to leave his apartment and ascend the throne. He thought the whole thing was just Murad’s intrigue, and if he left his apartment he would be executed immediately. Ibrahim wanted to present himself as a faithful and humble brother, so he refused to come out on any request or order. Finally, Kösem Sultan ordered that the dead body of Murad should be taken to Ibrahim. Even then, Ibrahim did not believe, he examined the body thoroughly to make sure Murad was dead. Eventually, Ibrahim realized that he was the new ruler and ascended the throne.

The accession of Ibrahim to the throne in 1640 did not solve the greatest problem of the dynasty, the question of the heir. After Murad systematically murdered his brothers and his sons died of natural causes, Ibrahim was the only heir. New princes were needed as soon as possible, but Ibrahim showed no interest in women and sexuality. Some said he was afraid of having a child because he was afraid Murad would execute him then, others said he simply didn’t care. They tried in every way possible to arouse the sultan's sexual desire, made pornographic depictions for him, and offered him aphrodisiacs. The persistent endeavor eventually became successful, with his first son (and presumably his first or second child), Mehmed, born in January 1642. Legend has it that the aphrodisiacs had such a strong effect on the Sultan that he organized arranged orgies for himself, and there were several reports of various perversions.

The birth of Prince Mehmed was followed in turn by the other children, Gevherhan (1642?), Suleiman (1642), Fatma (1642?), Ahmed (1643), Murad (1643), Atike (?), Selim (1644), Osman (1644) , Beyhan (1645?), Ayşe (1646?), Kaya (?), Ümmügülsüm (?) and at least two anonymous sultanas. It can be seen, that Ibrahim’s initial dread of women soon dissipated as in a short time he produced an extremely large number of children. Ibrahim was not a very good father to his children. He was often unpredictable due to his unstable mental state. This is well exemplified by an event around 1645 when he quarreled with Prince Mehmed's mother, Turhan Hatice. Turhan Hatice complained that the sultan did not care for Mehmed, but instead played a lot with the son of the wet-nurse, whom he raised and cherished as his own. The couple's quarrel escalated to the point where Ibrahim, in his rage, threw away Prince Mehmed, who had suffered a serious head injury in the cistern and wore its mark on his forehead for the rest of his life.

Ibrahim and women

The foregoing events already suggest that Ibrahim did not have a nice relationship with his firstborn son's mother. According to some, after the abuse of Mehmed, the relationship between Turhan and Ibrahim was completely severed. It nuances the picture somewhat that it seems that in addition to Mehmed, Turhan gave birth to at least one other child to Ibrahim, Atike Sultan. The date of birth for Atike is unknown, so it is difficult to determine whether she was born before or after the incident.

In addition to Turhan, Ibrahim had seven other Hasekis, with which he practically destroyed the power of Haseki title, since the mother of all his children had this title. Two of the Hasekis stand out, Şivekar was an Armenian concubine who was able to gain serious political influence by being able to influence Ibrahim anytime, anywhere. Şivekar is also an interesting concubine because her existence proves one of Ibrahim's perversions. For the sultan, having once seen a cow from behind he decided that he wanted to acquire the fattest woman in the empire, as it might best resemble a cow. In the end, it was Şivekar who met the parameters, so she got into the sultan's harem. The other special Haseki was Telli Hümaşah, who twisted Ibrahim around her finger so much that the sultan married her. Hümaşah’s prominent position is well illustrated by the fact that Ibrahim assigned his own full-sisters and niece to serve Hümaşah.

It is a well-known legend that Ibrahim took away one of his deceased brothers, Murad IV's concubine. There is no clear evidence to support or refute this. Some say this concubine was none other than Ayşe Haseki, Murad’s favorite, who asked for the sultan’s favor in the matter of marrying off her daughter and then the sultan tried to rape her in exchange for the favor. Others say it happened to an insignificant concubine, but there are also those who say the rape case did not happen because when Ibrahim asked Sultan Murad's former concubine the woman refused the order and turned to the harem leader who, along with Kösem Sultan, forbade the sultan to touch the concubine of his deceased brother.

In addition to the former story, however, it is certain that Ibrahim kidnapped or forced Hazerpare Ahmed Pasha’s wife to be his favorite. Some say the woman received the orphaned Beyhan Sultan to raise her. Another time, Ibrahim wanted to take the daughter of Seyhülislam Muid Ahmed Efendi to his harem. When Seyhülislam did not allow this, Ibrahim abducted the girl from a public bath. Some said he raped her, others said the sultan was stopped just in time. In any case in the end Ibrahim sent the girl back to his father soon after.

In addition to his concubines, harem servants also successfully influenced the sultan, such as Şekerpare, who, with his sweet manner, was able to persuade the sultan to do anything and who gained immense wealth and influence. Not surprisingly, Ibrahim’s tragic end was ultimately caused by his influenceability. His concubines only influenced the Sultan in relatively harmless things, but soon he came under the influence of a much more dangerous person.

The ruler

We cannot really talk about Ibrahim as a ruler. Because of his mental condition, his mother, Kösem Sultan, and Murad IV's last Grand Vezier, Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasha, ruled in his place. Although Kösem Sultan and Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasha were not in a good relationship and even constantly rivaled each other, they still worked excellently together for the sake of the empire. Ibrahim, although was not capable to rule alone, tried to live up to expectations in the first few years of his reign. He constantly followed the events, regularly negotiating with the Grand Vizier, for which his handwritten letters also serve as a good example. These letters from Ibrahim are significant because it shows that Ibrahim was properly educated, was not weak-minded, so he was actually only struggling with mental illnesses caused by trauma.

Ibrahim's early reign was therefore hopeful in relation to his condition. He did not replace his brother's former leaders, his pashas, ​​so in fact, the change of sultan took place very simply and everything could go as before, which was very positive for the empire. Over time, however, he came under the influence of a certain Cinci Hoca and rebelled against his mother. Cinci Hoca was an occult science charlatan who considered himself a religious leader. Cinci Hoca convinced the sultan in various ways that he could cure his headaches and mental problems. Instead, he took advantage of Ibrahim’s credulity and amassed a huge fortune for himself and his supporters. Events eventually deteriorated to the point where, without any experience or aptitude, Cinci Hoca was appointed by the Sultan as Chief Kadi; Cinci Hoca's faithful companion, Silahdar Yusuf Aga, became the Grand Admiral. Cinci Hoca's greatest opponent was Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasha, the Grand Vizier, so he constantly spoke against him, as a result of which the Sultan executed Kemankeş Pasha in 1644. Kemankeş Pasha was replaced by another supporter of Cinci Hoca, Sultanzade Mehmed Pasha. Sultanzade Mehmed Pasha was, by the way, the son of Ayşe Hanimsultnasa, thus the grandson of Ayşe Hümaşah Sultan and the great-grandson of the Mihrimah Sultan and Rüstem Pasha.

By getting under the spell of unfit persons, Ibrahim started to destroy the state, which formerly was great, led by Murad’s pashas. Over time, Ibrahim replaced all of Murad’s previous pashas and replaced them with his own confidants who were unable to manage properly. Similarly, people’s displeasure was triggered by the launch of another costly campaign. In 1644, Maltese pirates attacked an Ottoman ship on which, in addition to the chief black eunuch, the son of Prince Mehmed's wet-nurse, whom Ibrahim loved and cherished more than his own son, was present. Under the pretext of attack, the Fifth Venetian-Ottoman War broke out in 1645 and lasted for 24 years.

Shortly after Kemankeş was executed, Ibrahim also exiled his mother, Kösem Sultan. He originally intended to send his mother to the island of Rhodes, but eventually, his concubines persuaded him to send her only to another palace. Over time, dissatisfaction grew, and more and more people turned to Kösem Sultan in exile for help. Kösem Sultan's well-known letter to Hezarpare Ahmed Pasha - whose wife had previously been abducted by the Sultan - was written this period. The letter says "In the end he will leave neither you nor me alive. We will lose control of the government. The whole society is in ruins. Have him removed from the throne immediately." The letter is a good indication that Ibrahim’s insane rule threatened more and more people. The sultan executed people for almost no reason and gave high positions to those who were completely unfit. More and more people turned against Ibrahim and it was increasingly likely that he would not be able to stay on the throne for long.

The end

The situation deteriorated to the point that in 1647 Kösem Sultan and the new Grand Vizier, Salih Pasha and Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi, tried to dethrone Ibrahim but failed. Salih Pasha was executed and Kösem Sultan remained in exile. The following year, both the Janissaries and the Ulema joined the rebellion, and on August 8, 1648, the mad sultan was easily dethroned and imprisoned. Then due to the evidence, Kösem Sultan returned to the palace. She there received a letter from the leading statesmen, asking her to give them Prince Mehmed so they can make him sultan in the Janissary Mosque. Kösem Sultan rejected the request and asking the leaders to go to the palace and let's discuss the situation. Kösem Sultan personally welcomed them at the second gate - without any kind of paravane, just veiled - and argued at length for them why they should leave Ibrahim in his position. She told them that the sultan had only followed the advice of bad people, so it was enough to get rid of these advisors. It is doubtful that Kösem Sultan really thought so or simply felt that this was expected of her as Ibrahim’s mother. The latter can be inferred from her earlier letter in which she clearly stated that Ibrahim should be dethroned; and that, after two hours of discourse, Kösem Sultan agreed to the ascension of Mehmedm, barely six and a half years old. It is important to note, however, that based on the recorded speech of Kösem Sultan, she only agreed to Ibrahim’s dethronement due to compulsion. Kösem Sultan for concluding the discourse with the following sentence: "All are united in the opinion that the Sultan must be deposed; it is impossible to do otherwise. You tell me that if I don't hand over the Prince, they will enter the palace and take him by force." So whatever she felt or thought, Kösem showed outwardly that she was trying to protect her son as a mother.

Ibrahim's followers were removed from their positions at the same time as the sultan's dethronement happened, and most of them were executed. Then they had to decide the fate of Sultan Ibrahim soon, but it was not easy. There used to be a mad sultan who was simply closed up after his dethronement, so this could have been possible in the case of Ibrahim. However, Ibrahim caused too much pain to the people, executed too many, and simply had too many supporters to keep him alive. Eventually, the new Grand Vizier, Sofu Mehmed Pasha, asked the Seyhülislam Efendi to allow the execution of Ibrahim. Seyhülislam allowed it. Some say Kösem Sultan also agreed to the execution, others said was not notified until the last minute so she could not prevent it. Finally, Ibrahim was strangled on August 18, 1648. According to the descriptions, when the execution squad entered the sultan's room, he, clutching the Qur’an, asked to be shown which line of the Qur’an suggests his execution. He said that if they show it to him, he would surrender. Of course, this was not possible, one of the executioners threw the noose around the neck of the sultan from behind. Like his dethroned mad predecessor, Mustafa I, he was also buried in Aya Sofya.

Used sources: A. D. Alderson - The Structure of the Ottoman Dynasty; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; M. Ç. Uluçay - Padişahların Kadınları ve Kızları; C. Finkel - Osman's Dream: The Story of the Ottoman Empire; G. Börekçi - Factions and favourites at the courts of Sultan Ahmed I (r. 1603-17) and his immediate predecessors; S. Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; G. Piterberg - An Ottoman Tragedy, History and Historiography at Play; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Howard - A History of the Ottoman Empire; Öztuna - Devletler ve Hanedanlar; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Y. Öztuna - Genç Osman ve IV. Murad; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire; R. Dankoff - An Ottoman Mentality: The World of Evliya Çelebi; R. Murphey - ‘The Functioning of the Ottoman Army under Murad IV (1623–1639/1032–1049):Key to Understanding of the Relationship Between Center and Periphery

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Születése és gyermekkora

Ibrahim 1615 októberében vagy novemberében született I. Ahmed szultán és kedvenc ágyasa, Mahpeyker Köszem szultána negyedik közös fiaként. Születésekor összesen hét (vagy nyolc) herceg állt előtte a trónöröklési sorban: I. Ahmed öccse, Musztafa herceg; Ibrahim bátyjai: Oszmán, Mehmed, Murad, Bayezid, Hüseyin, Kasim és Ibrahimmal nagyjából egyszerre született egy Szulejmán nevű herceg is. Ilyen háttérrel szinte kizártnak tűnt, hogy Ibrahim valaha is trónra kerülhet.

Ibrahim gyermekkora igen hányatott volt, hiszen 1617-ben édesapja I. Ahmed elhunyt és hosszú éveken át trónviszályok dúltak és egyfajta örökösödési káosz sújtotta a birodalmat. Az embereknek elege volt a testvérgyilkosságból, azonban Ahmed nem rendelkezett arról, hogy ki kövesse őt a trónon, öccse, Musztafa vagy legidősebb fia, Oszmán. Végül Musztafa trónralépésével hivatalosan is megváltozott az örökösödés, többé nem apáról fiúra szállt a trón, hanem a legidősebb férfi foglalta el azt. A következő évek meglehetősen zavarosak voltak, Musztafát mentális betegsége miatt hamarosan trónfosztották és Ibrahim féltestvére, Oszmán került a trónra. Oszmán nagyon népszerűtlen, rossz uralkodó volt.

A kaotikus évekből a gyermek Ibrahim minden bizonnyal annyit érzékelt, hogy elszakították édesanyjától, lánytestvéreitől és elzárva tartották fiú testvéreivel együtt. 1621-ben aztán édesbátyját, Mehmed herceget kivégeztette az akkor regnáló II. Oszmán. Bátyja halála bizonyára rettegéssel töltötte el a kis Ibrahimot és testvéreit. Nem meglepő hát, hogy Ibrahimról hamarosan kiderült, mentálisan nem teljesen ép. A traumatikus évek paranioássá és instabillá tették a fiatal herceget.

Némi nyugalmat hozhatott neki bátyja, IV. Murad 1623-as trónralépése, hiszen innentől nagyjából tíz évig édesanyjuk, Köszem szultána uralta a birodalmat régensként és minden erejével fiait védelmezte. Fontos azonban megemlíteni, hogy Ibrahim gyakorlatilag két éves korától kezdve hat éven át szinte alig találkozott édesanyjával, így bizonyára nem töltötte el akkora nyugalommal és megkönnyebbüléssel az újraegyesülés, mint idősebb testvéreit, akik legalább emlékezhettek anyjukra.

A rettegés

Nem sokat tudunk Ibrahim és testvérei mindennapjairól. A fennmaradt információk alapján valószínűsíthető, hogy míg Köszem régensként uralkodott a hercegek bár elzárva éltek, nem teljes izolációban voltak és oktatásban is részesülhettek. A relatív nyugalom azonban hamarosan, Köszem régensségével együtt végleg a múlté lett. 1632-ben szpáhi lázadás tört ki, melynek során a lázadók kivégezték a nagyvezírt és Murad szultán több hűséges emberét. Hogy a helyzet tovább bonyolódjon a katonák nyilvánosan követelték, hogy Murad mutassa meg nekik öccseit. Ezzel jelezni akarták neki, hogy ha akarnák le tudnák cserélni valamelyik öccsére; másrészt pedig keringtek olyan alaptalan pletykák, hogy Murad és Köszem megszabadultak a hercegektől. Murad kénytelen volt engedni a követeléseknek és bemutatta öccseit, akiket a katonák ekkor éltetni kezdtek. Ibrahim és testvérei ekkor szembesülhettek azzal testközelből, hogy amíg csak léteznek, mindig veszélyesek lesznek Muradra, ez pedig saját testiépségüketis fenyegette.

Muradot szintén megviselte nehéz gyermekkoruk, ami miatt kemény kézzel uralkodott. Nem meglepő, ha példaképének I. Szelimet tartotta és őt próbálta követni mindenben, így a régi öröklési rendet is vissza akarta hozni, hogy halála után fia kövesse a trónon, ne pedig öccsei közül valaki. Emellett Murad mentálisan és fizikailag is egyre rosszabb állapotban volt, így kezdett paranoiddá válni és mindenben konspirációt látott személye ellen. Ezek együttesen okozták azt, hogy 1635-ben a győztes revani hadjárata után, míg az emberek ünnepeltek ő elrendelte két féltestvére, Bayezid és Szulejmán hercegek kivégzését. Az egyébként is labilis Ibrahimot minden bizonnyal továb taszította ez a tragédia a lejtőn.

Az Ibrahim józaneszét tönkretévő egyik utolsó dolog 1638-ban következett be, mikor a győztes bagdadi hadjárata után Murad kivégeztette édestestvérét, Kasimot is, aki állítólag testvérei közül legközelebb állt hozzá. Egyes források szerint Ibrahim is jelen volt a Revan Pavilonban, ahol a kivégzés történt és az ő életét csak Köszem szultána könyörgése és elborult mentális állapota mentette meg. Mások szerint Murad meg sem próbálta kivégeztetni Ibrahimot ekkor. Akárhogyan is, minden bizonnyal megviselte Ibrahimot, hogy testvérei sorra fogytak el mellőle, egyetlen bátyja, Murad pedig egyre rosszabb állapotba került és egyre kiszámíthatatlanabb lett.

Trónralépése

IV. Murad Kasim halálát követően egyre rosszabb egészségi állapotban volt, hónapokon keresztül nyomta az ágyat. Több alapbetegsége is volt, azonban ezekről nem tudunk sokat. Egyesek szerint epilepsziás lehetett, mások szerint neki is hasonló emésztőrendszeri problémái lehettek, mint apjának (I. Ahmed) és nagyanyjának (Handan szultána). Ezeket tovább súlyosbították a harci sérülések, hiszen Murad maga is harcolt a hadjáratain; valamint az alkoholizmusa miatt kialakuló májzsugor. Murad harci sérüléseiből képes volt felépülni, ugyanis 1640 elején a Ramadánt minden gond nélkül ünnepelte, találkozott a vezíreivel, rendezvényeken vett részt. Sőt, hogy tovább fárassza beteg testét rendszeresen járt lovagolni és alkoholizálni barátaihoz. Egyik ilyen alkalommal Murad elvesztette az eszméletét és testőrei vitték vissza a Topkapi Palotába. Egyesek szerint halálos ágyán Murad kiadta a parancsot Ibrahim kivégzésére is, ám erre nincs bizonyíték.

Ahogy Murad elhunyt, a trón a legidősebb (és jelen esetben egyetlen) örökösre szállt, Ibrahimra. A nagyvezír Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasa ment Ibrahim lezárt lakrészébe, elmondta neki, hogy Murad meghalt, így övé a trón. Ibrahim azonban nem hitt neki. Ezekután a gyászoló Köszem szultána próbált meg beszélni fiával, de Ibrahim az elmúlt évek tragédiái után senkiben sem bízott, így megtagadta, hogy elhagyja lakrészét és elfoglalja a trónt. Úgy vélte az egész csak Murad cselszövése, és ha elhagyja lakrészét azonnal kivégzik. Ibrahim hűséges és alázatos testvérnek akarta mutatni magát, így semmilyen kérlelésre és parancsra nem volt hajlandó kijönni lakrészéből. Végül Köszem szultána úgy rendelkezett, hogy Murad holttestét vigyék be Ibrahimhoz. Ibrahim még ekkor sem nyugodott meg, alaposan megvizsgálta a testet, hogy biztos legyen benne, Murad elhunyt. Végül Ibrahim felfogta, hogy ő az új uralkodó és elfoglalta a trónt.

Ibrahim 1640-es trónralépésével nem oldódott meg a dinasztia legnagyobb problémája, az örökös kérdése. Miután Murad szisztematikusan kiírtotta testvéreit, fiai pedig természetes okból hunytak el, Ibrahim volt az egyetlen örökös. Mielőbb szükség volt új hercegekre, Ibrahim azonban semmilyen érdeklődést nem mutatott a nők és a szexualitás iránt. Egyesek szerint rettegett attól, hogy gyermeket nemzzen, mert félt, hogy akkor Murad kivégezteti őt, mások szerint egyszerűen nem érdekelte a dolog. Minden létező módon igyekeztek felkelteni a szultán szexuális vágyát, pornográf ábrázolásokat készítettek számára, afrodiziákumokat szolgáltak fel neki. A kitartó próbálkozás végül eredményes lett, 1642 januárjában megszületett első fia (és feltehetőleg első vagy második gyermeke), Mehmed. A legendák úgy vélik, hogy a vágyserkentők olyan erősen hatottak a szultánra, hogy előfordult, orgiákat rendezett magának és több beszámoló szerint is különböző perverzió voltak.

Mehmed herceg születését sorra követte a többi gyermek, Gevherhan (1642?), Szulejmán (1642), Fatma (1642?), Ahmed (1643), Murad (1643), Atike (?), Selim (1644), Osman (1644), Beyhan(1645?), Ayşe (1646?), Kaya (?), Ümmügülsüm (?) és legalább két névtelen szultána. Látható tehát, hogy Ibrahim kezdeti rettegése a nőktől hamarosan feloldódott és rövid időn belül extrém sok gyermeket nemzett. A gyerekekkel szemben Ibrahim nem volt túl jó apa. Instabil mentális állapota miatt gyakran volt kiszámíthatatlan. Ezt jól példázza egy 1645 körüli esemény is, mikor összevitatkozott Mehmed herceg édesanyjával Turhan Haticével. Turhan Hatice nehezményezte, hogy a szultán nem törődik Mehmeddel, ellenben sokat játszik a szoptatósdajka fiával, akit sajátjaként nevel és dédelget. A pár veszekedése odáig fajult, hogy Ibrahim dühében elhajította Mehmed herceget, aki a ciszternába esve komoly fejsérülést szenvedett és élete végéig viselte nyomát a homlokán.

Ibrahim és a nők

Arra már az előbbi események is utalnak, hogy Ibrahimnak nem volt felhőtlen a viszonya elsőszülött fia anyjával. Egyesek szerint a Mehmedet ért bántalmazás után Turhan és Ibrahim kapcsolata teljesen megszakadt. Némileg árnyalja a képet, hogy olybá tűnik Turhan Mehmed mellett még legalább egy gyermeket szült Ibrahimnak, Atike szultánát. Atike szultána születési ideje nem ismert, így nehéz megállapítani, hogy még az incidens előtt vagy már az után született.

Ibrahimnak Turhan mellett hét másik Haszekije is volt, mellyel gyakorlatilag elvette a Haszeki rang súlyát, hiszen minden gyermekének anyja megkapta ezt a titulust. A Haszekik közül ketten emelkednek ki, Şivekar egy örmény ágyas, aki komoly politikai befolyást tudott magának szerezni azzal, hogy bármikor, bármiben képes volt befolyásolni Ibrahimot. Şivekar azért is érdekes ágyas, mert létezése bizonyítja Ibrahim egyik perverzióját. A szultán ugyanis miután egyszer látott egy tehenet hátulról úgy döntött, hogy a birodalom legkövérebb nőjét akarja megszerezni magának, hiszen az hasonlíthat legjobban a tehénhez. Végül Şivekar volt az, aki megfelelt a paramétereknek, így került a szultán háremébe. A másik különleges Haszeki Telli Hümaşah volt, aki olyannyira az ujjaköré csavarta Ibrahimot, hogy a szultán feleségül is vette. Telli Hümaşah kiemelt pozícióját jól mutatja, hogy Ibrahim saját édestestvéreit és unokahúgát osztotta be Telli Hümaşah mellé szolgálónak.

Jól ismert legenda, miszerint Ibrahim megerőszakolta elhunyt bátyja, IV. Murad egyik ágyasát. Nincsenek egyértelmű bizonyítékok, amik alátámasztanák vagy cáfolnák ezt. Egyesek szerint ez az ágyas nem volt más, mint Ayşe Haszeki, Murad kedvence, aki a szultán szívességét kérte lánya kiházasításának ügyében, majd a szultán megpróbálta őt megerőszakolni a szívességért cserébe. Mások szerint egy jelentéktelen ágyassal történt mindez, de olyanok is vannak, akik szerint az erőszakra nem került sor, mert mikor Ibrahim kérette Murad szultán egykori ágyasát a nő megtagadta a parancsot és a hárem vezetőhöz fordult segítségül, aki Köszem szultánával együtt megtiltotta a szultánnak, hogy elhunyt tesvtére ágyasához érjen.

Előbbi történet mellett azonban az bizonyos, hogy Ibrahim elrabolta vagy kényszerítette Hazerpare Ahmed Pasa feleségét, hogy legyen a kegyeltje. Egyesek szerint az asszony megkapta az elárvult Beyhan szultánát, hogy nevelje. Máskor pedig Ibrahim, a Seyhülislam Muid Ahmed Efendi lányát akarta háremébe vitetni. Mikor a Seyhülislam ezt nem engedte, Ibrahim egy fürdőből elraboltatta a lányt. Egyesek szerint megbecstelenítette, mások szerint még időben jobb belátásra bírták a szultánt, aki kétségkívül visszaküldte a lányt apjához nemsokkal később.

Ágyasai mellett hárem szolgálók is sikerrel befolyásolták a szultánt, így Şekerpare, aki negédes modorával bármire rá tudta venni a szultánt és aki hatalmas vagyonra és befolyásra tett szert. Nem meglepő, hogy Ibrahim vesztét is végül befolyásolhatósága okozta. Ágyasai viszonylag ártalmatlan dolgokban befolyásolták csak a szultánt, amit a legtöbben még elnéztek neki. Hamarosan azonban egy sokkal veszedelmesebb ember befolyása alá került.

Az uralkodó

Ibrahimról, mint uralkodóról nem igazán beszélhetünk. Mentális állapota miatt édesanyja, Köszem szultána és IV. Murad utolsó nagyvezíre, Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasa uralkodott helyette. Bár Köszem és Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasa nem voltak jóban, sőt állandóan rivalizáltak egymással, a birodalom érdekében mégis kiválóan dolgoztak együtt. Ibrahim, bár maga nem volt alkalmas az uralkodásra, trónralépése utáni pár évben igyekezett megfelelni az elvárásoknak. Állandóan követte az eseményeket, rendszeresen tárgyalt a nagyvezírrel, melyre kézzel írt levelei is jó példaként szolgálnak. Ibrahim ezen levelei azért jelentősek, mert kitűnik belőle, hogy Ibrahim megfelelő oktatásban részesült, nem volt gyengeelméjű, tehát ténylegesen csak a traumák okozta mentális betegségekkel küzdött.

Ibrahim korai uralma tehát állapotához képest reménykeltő volt. Nem cserélte le bátyja korábbi vezíreit, pasáit, így tulajdonképpen nagyon egyszerűen zajlott le a szultánváltás és minden mehetett a korábbiak szerint, ami a birodalom szempontjából igen pozitív volt. Idővel azonban egy bizonyos Cinci Hoca befolyása alá került és fellázadt anyja uralma ellen. Cinci Hoca okkult tudományokkal foglalkozó sarlatán volt, aki magát vallási vezetőnek tekintette. Cinci Hoca különböző módszerekkel meggyőzte a szultánt arról, hogy képes gyógyítani fejfájását és mentális problémáit. Helyette kihasználta Ibrahim hiszékenységét és hatalmas vagyont halmozott fel magának és támogatóinak. Az események végül odáig fajultak, hogy minden tapasztalat és alkalmasság nélkül Cinci Hocát nevezte ki a szultán a főkádinak; Cinci Hoca hű társát, Silahdar Yusuf Agát pedig a főtengernaggyá tette meg. Cinci Hoca legnagyobb ellenfelének Kemankeş Kara Mustafa Pasát, a nagyvezírt tekintette és állandóan ellene beszélt, minek eredményeképpen a szultán 1644-ben a kivégeztette Kemankeş Pasát. Kemankeş Pasa helyére Cinci Hoca egy másik támogatóját Sultanzade Mehmed Pasát nevezte ki Ibrahim. Sultanzade Mehmed Pasa egyébként Ayşe Hanimszultána fia volt, tehát Ayşe Hümaşah szultána unokája és Mihrimah szultána dédunokája.

Azzal, hogy Ibrahim alkalmatlan személyek bűvkörébe került azt történt, hogy a korábban Murad pasái által nagyszerűen vezetett állam az összeomláshoz közeledett. Ibrahim idővel leváltotta Murad összes korábbi pasáját és saját bizalmasaival helyettesítette őket, akik nem voltak képesek megfelelően irányítani. Hasonlóan az emberek nemtetszését váltotta ki egy újabb költséges hadjárat indítása. 1644-ben máltai kalózok támadtak egy oszmán hajóra, melyen a fő fekete eunuch mellett jelen volt Mehmed herceg szoptatósdajkájának fia is, akit Ibrahim a saját fiánál, Mehmednél jobban szeretett és dédelgetett. A támadás ürügyén 1645-ben kirobbant az ötödik velencei-oszmán háború, mely 24 évig tartott.

Ibrahim nemsokkal Kemankeş kivégzése után édesanyját is száműzte. Eredetileg Rodosz szigetére szándékozta küldeni anyját, de végül ágyasai meggyőzték, hogy csak egy másik palotába küldje. Idővel egyre nőtt az elégedetlenség, egyre többen fordultak a száműzetésben lévő Köszem szultánához, hogy segítségét kérjék. Köszem valószínűleg széműzetésében írta meg jól ismert levelét is Hezarpare Ahmed Pasának - akinek feleségét a szultán korábban elrabolta -, mely így szólt: "Végül sem titeket, sem engem nem hagyna életben és újra elveszítenénk az uralmat az állam felett, ezzel pedig lerombolnánk társadalmunkat." A levél jól jelzi, hogy Ibrahim őrült uralma egyre többeket veszélyeztett. A szultán szinte minden ok nélkül végeztetett ki embereket, és teljesen alkalmatlanoknak adott magas beosztást. Egyre többen fordultak Ibrahim ellen és egyre valószínűbb volt, hogy nem maradhat sokáig a trónon.

A vég

Odáig fajult a helyzet, hogy 1647-ben Köszem szultána és az új nagyvezír, Salih Pasa és a Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi megpróbálták trónfosztani Ibrahimot, azonban lebuktak. Salih Pasát kivégeztették, Köszem pedig száműzetésben maradt. A következő évben aztán a janicsárok és az ulema is csatlakozott a lázadáshoz és 1648. augusztus 8-án könnyűszerrel trónfosztották és bebörtönözték az őrült szultánt. Ekkor Köszem a bizonyítékok alapján visszatért a palotába, hiszen ott kapta meg a vezető államférfiak levelét, miszerint adja ki nekik Mehmed herceget, hogy a janicsár mecsetben szultánukká tegyék őt. Köszem elutasította a kérést és arra kérte a vezetőket, hogy menjenek a palotába, hogy megvitassák a helyzetet. Köszem személyesen fogadta a második kapunál az odasereglőket - minden fajta paraván nélkül, csupán elfátyolozva - és hosszasan érvelt nekik arról, hogy miért kellene meghagyniuk Ibrahimot a pozíciójában. Elmondta nekik, hogy a szultán csak rossz emberek tanácsát követte, így elég azoktól megszabadulni. Kétséges, hogy Köszem valóban így gondolta vagy egyszerűen úgy érezte, hogy Ibrahim anyjaként ezt várják tőle. Utóbbira enged következtetni korábbi levele és hogy két órányi diskurzus után Köszem beleegyezett az alig hat és fél éves Mehmed trónra ületetésébe. Fontos azonban megjegyezni, hogy Köszem rögzített beszéde alapján Köszem csak kényszer miatt ment bele Ibrahim trónfosztásába. Köszem a következő mondattal zárta le a diskurzust: "Mind egyetértetek tehát, hogy a szultánt trónfosztani kell, lehetetlen bármi más megoldás. Azt kéritek tőle, adjam át nektek Mehmed herceget és ha nem teszem erőszakkal viszitek ki a palotából." Így bármit érzett is vagy gondolt is Köszem, kifelé azt mutatta, hogy édesanyaként próbálja védeni fiát.

Ibrahim követőit a szultán trónfosztásával egy időben eltávoltották a pozícióikból, majd legtöbbüket ki is végezték. Ibrahim szultán sorsáról is hamarosan dönteniük kellett, azonban ez nem volt egyszerű. Korábban már volt egy őrült szultán, akit trónfosztása után egyszerűen csak elzártak, erre Ibrahim esetében is lehetett volna tehát lehetőség. Ibrahim azonban túl sokaknak okozott fájdalmat, túl sokakat végeztetett ki és egyszerűen túl sok támogatója volt ahhoz, hogy életben hagyják. Végül az új nagyvezír, Sofu Mehmed Pasa kérvényezte a Seyhülislam Efenditől, hogy engedélyezze Ibrahim kivégzését. A Seyhülislam engedélyezte. Egyesek szerint Köszem szultána is beleegyezett a kivégzésbe, mások szerint az utolsó pillanatig nem értesítették, nehogy megakadályozhassa azt. Végül Ibrahimot 1648. augusztus 18-án megfojtották. A leírások szerint amikor a kivégzőosztag belépett a szultánhoz, az a Koránt szorongatva azt kérte, mutassák meg neki, hogy a Korán mely sorára hivatkozva akarják kivégezni és ha megteszik megadja magát. Erre természetesen nem volt mód, az egyik kivégző hátulról rádobta a hurkot a szultán nyakára. Hasonlóan trónfosztott őrült elődjéhez, őt is az Aya Sofyában temették el, mint I. Musztafát.

Felhasznált források: A. D. Alderson - The Structure of the Ottoman Dynasty; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; M. Ç. Uluçay - Padişahların Kadınları ve Kızları; C. Finkel - Osman's Dream: The Story of the Ottoman Empire; G. Börekçi - Factions and favourites at the courts of Sultan Ahmed I (r. 1603-17) and his immediate predecessors; S. Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; G. Piterberg - An Ottoman Tragedy, History and Historiography at Play; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Howard - A History of the Ottoman Empire; Öztuna - Devletler ve Hanedanlar; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Y. Öztuna - Genç Osman ve IV. Murad; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire; R. Dankoff - An Ottoman Mentality: The World of Evliya Çelebi; R. Murphey - ‘The Functioning of the Ottoman Army under Murad IV (1623–1639/1032–1049):Key to Understanding of the Relationship Between Center and Periphery

#ibrahim I #deli ibrahim #ibrahim the mad #mahpeyker kösem #Kösem sultan #Turhan Hatice Sultan #turhan hatice #Murad IV #Osman II #sehzade bayezid #Sehzade mehmed #sehzade kasim #Mustafa I #Ahmed I

[succulentsunrise]

Where the Fire Lilies Grow

Content: SFW, contains mentions of nightmare and chronic illness.

Hey, it’s my series on Tani and Mereleona, inspired by @thoughtfullyrainynightmare‘s Embers of Sun and Flame! It will tell the tale of Tani meeting and falling in love with Mereleona...but we’ll see if she feels the same 😉

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Chapter 1: Tani, the Verdant Knight

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” James Baldwin

The morning had begun rather peacefully. There had been no reason to get up early, but Tani was used to waking up before the sun rose. Back at Kikka - her hometown - she had worked hard since the dawn. Now, as a Magic Knight of the Azure Deer, not having to wake up and go at it for the whole day made her feel almost like she was slacking. She had prepared for the day without much of a plan. Still, her planless plans had been ruined by her teammate and friend, Icree. Tani had been calmly treating her small garden of plants, when the red-haired Knight had popped out of nowhere and pushed a new recruit to her shoulders. There they stood now, staring at each other in an uncomfortable silence. The recruit looked young and extremely frail, as if a wind could knock her over. It was a rather direct opposite to Tani’s muscled bearing. The girl’s purple hair was tied into a long ponytail, which could almost reach the end of her long, dark dress. Her eyes were soft and heavy, lending her a youthful and sorrowful appearance.

“I’m Kliodna--Kliodna Sheeban,” the girl said with a hoarse voice. “Pleased to meet you.”

It sounded as if she had smoked all her life, if not more. The smile that she offered was weak at best. Tani nodded uncertainly, recognizing that she belonged to a noble house by her family name.

“My name is Tani Chartreuse,” she answered. “Is your--are you alright?”

“Yes, please, do not worry,” Kliodna quickly rasped. “I was very sick recently, which has left my voice damaged. I will be better soon.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t talk as much, then.”

“I have a lot of questions.”

Tani narrowed her eyes at the innocent smile the girl flashed at her. Straining one’s voice like that would lead to no good. She brushed parts of her short, brown hair behind her ears.

“I will take care of my garden first,” she commented, turning back to her collection of plants. “Then we’ll get you a quill and some paper.”

“This is yours?”

“Yes. Not everything here, but some of these. That,” Tani pointed at a larger, hanging fern a little further away. “And these here.”

The plants she pointed out last were small, potted succulent plants - her favourites. She took care of them with gentle passion, always making sure they had what they needed.

“You have plant magic, correct?” Kliodna asked, clearing her throat a little.

Tani gave her a surprised glance, stopping for a brief moment to evaluate where she got her knowledge.

“Yes. Did Icree tell you that?”

“Icree?”

“The red-head that dropped you here.”

“Ah! Yes. She said your plant magic was impressive,” the girl answered happily.

Tani eased into a small smile.

“It is still far from what I’d like it to be,” she commented, starting to look for her watering can. “The attack on the capital showed there is still much to do.”

Though it had been a couple of weeks since the terrorist organization Eye of the Midnight Sun had flooded the streets with undead, Tani had not been able to think much else since. She possessed great powers in healing and reinforcing magic, as great as any self-trained commoner could have, but no skill in offensive magic. No matter how she tried, she could not learn a spell to harm. To mend this flaw, she had taught herself how to use a sword. Even now it hung around her waist in its scabbard, attached to her belt. The undead, however, had not cared about a few meager stabs to their already dead flesh. Though Tani had not admitted it to anyone, she still saw occasional nightmares about that flaming street, surrounded by zombies and with no friends nearby to help. The dead citizens laid at her feet - those that she had been unable to defend. It had been sheer luck that Icree and Luka had found her in time back then. With Icree weakening the strange magic’s hold on the bodies and Luka’s sculpted jackals tearing them apart, the remaining citizens - and herself - had been saved. Still, the outcome of the overall attack had not been good. There were hundreds of victims, and a captain of another Magic Knight squad, Fuegoleon Vermillion of the Crimson Lion Kings, had fallen into a deep coma due to his injuries.

Tani looked at the moving lips of Kliodna and realized that she had fallen too deep into her own thoughts. She had not listened properly to the girl’s raspy speech nor had she found her watering can. She concentrated in time to at least hear the question.

“--unable to move. You were present then, protecting the capital?”

“Yes. It’s our duty as Magic Knights. Your duty too, now,” she answered, hoping that Kliodna had not realized that she had not listened.

“I hope to make our squad proud,” the girl said cheerfully.

If Tani had not been caught in distressing thoughts, she might have joined the cheerfulness of the girl. Another member of Azure Deer, Fragil, had told her not to dwell too long in memories of the past. She and Fragil were not very close, but it seemed like the other had sensed her unease. Still, she found it hard to forget how helpless she had felt that day.

“I should introduce you to the other members,” Tani stated a little flatly, the thought of Fragil sparking the idea. “Why did Icree leave you here in the first place?”

“She said she was quite busy - don’t get me wrong, she was very sweet to me! - but that you could show me around.”

Kliodna seemed to have sensed that something was a little off. Her gravelly voice was laced with a little bit more forced cheerfulness. Tani gathered herself mentally. She would have to do better than this.

“That is likely true to an extent,” she commented, pushing a smile on her face. “We are all a bit shaken by the attack. Icree spends her days and nights hunched over books, trying to figure out how to cancel the kind of magic we saw on the battlefield.”

“You--we expect them to return still, then?” Kliodna asked, the forced cheerfulness turning into wariness.

“We don’t know. We need to be prepared,” Tani answered. “However, do not dwell on it now. You have used your voice more than is good for it, so let me use mine. I will show you the place and introduce you to the others.”

The young girl nodded, this time obediently saving her voice. She waited kindly as Tani took care of her plants, and then they left together. The tour was short, but sweet. It took Tani’s mind off of the previous topic of conversation. Though many members of the squad were on missions, she was able to introduce Kliodna to a few of them. The first one they met was a dark-haired and lithe woman in the dining hall, Fragil Tormenta. Tani met her dark blue gaze with slight apprehension, remembering how sharp she was with reading others’ emotions. At least she did not comment anything, but instead welcomed Kliodna warmly to the squad. Fragil was a gentle and caring person by nature, though a little introverted. She and Kliodna got along well, especially after they found out that they were of the same age. Tani made a mental note of being right about Kliodna being young - she was 20 years old, making her six years younger than Tani. Two other members passed them by as they were talking with Fragil, only briefly introducing themselves to the newcomer. Tani had never talked to them much. Francis was a tall, black-haired man with a rather cold air to him. Cesc, instead, was a boyish red-head with a bit of a cocky attitude. They were nice people, but not someone you easily got to know better. The last two members they were able to find that particular day were Tani’s friends: Icree Papillo and Luka Diffidus. Icree they found in her room. What once had been a spacious and clean area was now littered with books and notes, and one tired red-head. Still, her greeting of them was as bubbly as always. Icree was a people’s person. She was a short woman in her 20s, with bright red hair crowning her head. Parts of it she had dyed white for fun. There was always a distinct scent of flowers and fun around her - the latter part being a little exhausting for Tani, who enjoyed calm time spent alone much more than fun time. Nonetheless, Icree was a reliable friend, who adjusted her attitude according to the people she was hanging out with. Later, they found Luka in his small studio. It had once been a normal room, but ever since the green-haired noble had come there, it had turned into his studio. Finished sculptures and designs were neatly put into their respective places, and the floor covered with protective canvas. Luka himself was a rather quiet and shy person, who rarely interacted with others. He was handsomely melancholic, as if a sculpture himself - though the illusion was easily broken if he got embarrassed. He could most often be found right here, in his studio, working tirelessly on details of the most beautiful stone or wood sculptures. He and Kliodna only spoke very briefly. The most that Kliodna could get out of him was Luka explaining what he was working on. He spoke of it with quite the passion - but receded back to his silent self as soon as he realized it.

The tour of the place ended at Kliodna’s new room: a simple, spacious place for resting and her hobbies. Her unopened bag was neatly placed on the floor. Tani concluded that Icree must have snatched her right as she had arrived.

“May I ask something?” Tani asked carefully.

It was something that had bothered her for a while: it was not time for the entrance exam. Yet the girl was noble, so perhaps she was allowed to join a little later. Or perhaps she had been scouted beforehand.

“Of course,” Kliodna said cheerfully, though her gaze was inside her room.

It was likely she was tired from meeting all the new people and seeing all the new things - or at least, Tani would be.

“Why are you joining only now? The entrance exam was a long time ago.”

“Oh. I have been sick for a very long time,” Kliodna answered with a bit of hesitation, her raspy voice breaking a little. “I qualified this year to join, but unfortunately it set me back a little. I’m fine now.”

Tani nodded, uneasily looking to the room as well. Either she had hit an uncomfortable subject, or she was causing the girl to strain her already unstable voice even more. Neither was a good thing.

“Well,” she started cheerfully, searching for comforting words. “We are here for you now. If you feel unwell, come to any of us, and we’ll help you in any way we can.”

Kliodna smiled, and with one hand on her throat, nodded.

“I’ll need to rest now, but thank you for everything,” she said silently. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything warm for your throat? I could bring you a cup of tea.”

Tani only got a nod as a reply. She smiled at the young girl and left for the kitchen. She understood perhaps a little now why Icree had brought Kliodna to her. Icree was a person that wanted others to talk, so she could listen to them. With this girl, Icree probably had to worry a lot about where the line between talking and asking questions was. With a small sigh, Tani navigated the corridors to the common kitchen. It was not as if she had done any better job. They’d have to come up with some easier way to communicate. Writing on paper would take a significant time and be a slight waste of resources. It wasn’t the same as talking. Yet Kliodna should not be made feel unwelcome either. Icree would have to be pulled into this. Tani set decidedly three mugs in front of her: one for Kliodna, one for Icree, and one for herself. Icree had worked the whole day, probably. A small pause and a little bit of gossip would do her good. A warm cup of tea would be just the thing. Tani prepared the three mugs of tea and placed them on a wooden serving tray. After a brief consideration, she added the teapot on the tray as well, and made her way back to Kliodna. The new recruit received her tea and the filled teapot with gratitude, having clearly started unpacking her things. Tani did not speak with her long, but instead headed back to Icree’s room. Supporting the serving tray with her left arm and leaning it against her waist, Tani knocked on the door.

Icree’s voice was faint through the door, and clearly tired.

“Come in.”

Tani pushed the door open dexterously. Icree smiled upon seeing her.

“Drinks? Anything hard?” the red-head asked with no small amount of hope in her voice.

“Just tea this time,” Tani laughed. “We’ll get better stuff at the festival.”

“I don’t think there will be a festival, Tani,” Icree responded, beginning to make space on her messy desk for the tray.

“Not true. They are holding it.”

“Really?” Icree sounded very surprised. She gave a slightly distrusting glance to her brunette friend.

“I heard the Captain talk about it earlier,” Tani revealed. “The Star Festival will be held despite the concerns. We’ll get to play festival games and eat well. We are in dire need of it, aren’t we?”

Icree smiled tiredly at her.

“We’ll get to watch the scoreboard tell a sorry tale of the prowess of Azure Deer. I talked recently with my friends in the other squads. The Green Mantis’ have sixty-nine stars for all their efforts. The only one we have hope catching up on are the Purple Orcas, and they have fifty-one. Do you have a way of conjuring two more stars out of nowhere?”

Tani put down the tray onto Icree’s desk. The most popular part of the festival was indeed the ranking of the squads. While their squad, Azure Deer, had never had any hope of catching up with the royal squads, they had managed somewhat to stay in the lower middle of the list. Now it seemed like they’d be second last, if Icree’s information was correct.

“Well, at least we can trust the Black Bulls to be last, right?” she said reassuringly, but it didn’t seem to have the wanted effect.

“Black Bulls have one hundred and one stars,” Icree answered bluntly. “I talked with Vanessa yesterday.”

Tani stared at Icree for a moment in surprise. The Black Bulls were a group of misfits, who completed their missions by the means of destruction. As far as she could remember, they had been near negative amounts in stars. However, Icree’s source was reliable. Vanessa Enoteca was a member of the Black Bulls, and not one to boast without something to back it up.

“So we are likely last?” she asked with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“Hooray for us,” Icree confirmed, rising her tea mug in a sarcastic celebratory manner.

“Have you told the Captain?”

“Would he care?”

The question hung quietly in the air. They both knew that Rill, their Captain, would likely care, but most often he was rather carefree about running the squad. He was the youngest of the Captains - and younger than both Icree and Tani - and it showed in the way he led. His talent was easy to respect, but his personality was all over the place. Well, that was Tani’s opinion. She would trust him with her life on a battlefield, but on a day-to-day basis of running the squad and making sure everyone had missions? No.

“You know he does,” Tani answered quietly, taking her mug of tea and sitting down on the bed near the desk. “If you don’t tell him, he is going to freak out.”

“He’ll freak out in any case. Better let him enjoy the festival first,” Icree shrugged. “Either way, want to help me with something?”

Tani nodded, having a pretty good guess on what it would entail. Icree always wanted to test out her new theories after a long day of reading and theorizing.

“A new thing you want to try out?” she questioned.

“Yeah. Can you make one of those plants - it can be anything - and just--don’t resist,” Icree requested with a slightly cheered up tone.

It was rather clear she was excited to test out her new theory. Tani closed her fist and concentrated, pushing from between her fingers a pink flower with small petals, large leaves and a long stem: a kalanchoe.

「Molting Larvae」, Icree spoke, creating a striped caterpillar on the plant. Tani had witnessed Icree’s magic many times before: it created butterflies that could hinder and harm enemies. She had never seen her teammate create a caterpillar before. In the most determined manner that she had ever seen a caterpillar eat, this one set out to eat her magical flower. No, it attempted to eat her magic itself. It was a rather slow process, but both Icree and Tani looked at it with wonder.

“I don’t sense you receiving the magic you are taking,” Tani noted after a while.

“As far as I’ve understood my own spell - the caterpillar gets it,” Icree answered, slightly flustered.

“It’s not complete yet. Something is missing. It’s terribly slow and not something I could use in a battle very easily, unless I was able to hide the caterpillar somewhere on the person. Plus, the more magic it eats, the more noticeable it becomes.”

“I could try to reinforce your mana flow?” Tani suggested with uncertainty.

She wasn’t quite sure this was a problem that could be solved with better control of mana, though it was Tani’s specialty. She could help others withstand harder hits and move quicker by reinforcing them and speeding them up, as well as help them regulate the flow of their magic.

“No, it’s not about that,” Icree confirmed her suspicions. “I might just have to keep working with the spell.”

“Well, while the caterpillar feasts - you’ll come with me to the festival? Even if we might be last, we can still enjoy the thing.”

“Of course. I think we’ll all be there, except for Luka. We should drag him out as well.”

“Maybe he’ll find inspiration from the festival,” Tani teased, though neither of them believed in it.

“Maybe he’ll find a muse!” Icree joked a little, her worries melting away for a little while.

They stayed chatting together for a while, leaving behind the worries of attacks and achievements. It was more relaxing to get excited about the Star Festival like everyone else and ponder what to do about Kliodna’s condition.

#Tani Chartreuse #Where the Fire Lilies Grow #black clover #black clover fanfiction

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 2: Twisted (Part 5)

Warnings: murder, rape, violence

Author notes: warnings are back and action as well! Enjoy!

I finished buttoning my shirt before quickly putting the requested black blazer on. My guns were loaded, placed in my shoulder holsters, and the badge attesting I was a security guard of the auction was pinned on my chest. I had successfully entered the staff as a henchman in charge of making sure there would be no trouble during the upcoming evening, and no one had even checked my background. For a business which saw countless of stolen paintings, valuable jewels and hardly captured slaves being sold every week, their security was quite loose. I had also made sure the business we were targeting would be present during the sell and, already, cages containing the girls they owned were stored among other goods. I could not help thinking I had been lucky to be sold, not by a brand, but by a small, worthless trafficker. At the very least, I did not bear the indelible mark of these loathsome companies on my skin.

"Fuyuko! There you are..." The chief of the security guards came toward me "I was looking for you. The guests are making themselves comfortable in the room, so the auction should start in no time. You'll be in charge of keeping an eye on the storage room, is that alright for you?"

"No problem." I nodded.

Without knowing it, this man had just made things easier for me. I listened to his encouragement with a polite smile, then pulled out a communication device out of my pocket as soon as he was gone. I put it on my ear and turned it on.

"I'm in. The auction will begin soon, stand by." I ordered my men.

"Roger, Ogawa-san...!"

"Taneda-kun..." I recognised his voice "You aren't supposed to answer... From this point on, quiet."

"Understood, Ogawa-san...!"

I sighed imperceptibly. Would he even be ready for my orders? Newbies, especially young ones, barely in their twenties, tended to believe the underworld was a world similar to what was described in novels or movies. The hero was dark, yet incredibly charismatic and surprisingly righteous, although he killed and was involved in all kinds of sordid businesses. Little did they know our world was highly idealised for the sake of entertainment, and very few of them remained in the organisation for more than a month. After witnessing horrors neither novelists nor producers would imagine, they usually quit, disillusioned, and I believed it was for the best. People who were not ready to face violence could not belong to the Port Mafia, as willing as they were. Sometimes, it amused me to notice I was more mature about committing crimes than people older than me, although it did make me question my sanity. Alas, having joined the organisation out of free will and after having committed murder, I could not state for sure I was not mentally ill. Somewhere, deep inside my heart, slept a dangerous monster. Merciless, cruel, which could ravage the world around itself in a blink, that creature was quite different from the ones hiding under children's beds to scare them. It was that thing that led me to kill, to shed blood and to survive in the Port Mafia without an ounce of regret. It was that thing that I strived to control, not to become a mad beast needing to be held down by a leash. If it were to ever wake up, the monster would not calm down until its bloodlust was satisfied.

Quietly, I kneeled next to one of the cages and started my preparations. It was impossible for our men to enter the warehouse used by the slave trading company as their headquarters due to its location. Our only option was thus to attack them from the inside. However, any application to join their organisation would result in a troublesome background investigation, which would quickly reveal the newcomer was an infiltrated man from the Port Mafia. The young girls stared at me in absolute fright as I implanted a discreet yet extremely powerful explosive device inside the cage. When they would take these back, they would destroy their business by themselves. The electronic bomb was under the control of a remote I owned. Once the cage would be inside the warehouse, I would blow it up.

"... Why...?" One of the girls muttered, shaking from cold and fear.

"I have nothing against you all..." I assured "But the ones selling you... They deceived powerful people whom I work for. That's all there is to it. I advise you to keep quiet if you desire to keep living for now. The auctions have just begun, perhaps will you be lucky and find an owner?"

"Are you heartless...?" She held onto the bars of the cage, desperate "How could you ask me to choose between giving up my life and dying...?"

"Those are the only choices you have..." I sighed slightly "I may seem cruel, but I am only doing my job... I didn't have much choice either..."

"... Can't you at least free us...?" She murmured.

"If I do so, I will fail my mission. I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do." I shook my head.

"I see... You're a monster..." She cursed softly "Go to hell...! Monster..."

I did not try to defend myself. After all, she was right. I was no better than a merciless monster obeying the orders of its master. I had no empathy, no compassion, and despite having been in the same situation as the girl, I could not feel an ounce of sympathy towards her. I was absolutely unfazed in front of her pain.

"I am, indeed." I agreed with her "I think it's about time your sellers come to get you. I count on your silence."

With a slight smirk, I put a finger onto my lips to make her understand my point, before I walked farther from the cage. I had barely turned around that the door toward the stage opened onto two strong built men, who, effortlessly, pushed the jail out of the storage room. One of them smiled at me, waving.

"Good work, Fuyuko-san!"

I answered his smile with a nod before getting back to my patrol. I waited for them to be out to turn on my earphone.

"Make sure the cages do go back to the warehouse." I ordered before cutting communication.

My job there was over. If no one discovered the bomb, and if everything went according to my plan, the slave trading company would just be a distant memory in the morning. To perfectly complete my cover, I would have to finish the job and keep patrolling along the goods for another hour while waiting for the signal to push the button and make the bomb explode. The only thing left would be writing the report, then the case would be closed. I hoped it would go as smoothly as predicted. Maybe then would I be gifted some sleep, when Dazai-san would come back.

A distinct beeping sound echoed in my ear, indicating someone was trying to contact me. I answered.

"Ogawa-san, the vehicle departed. We are following them from afar." Taneda-kun informed me.

"Good." I hummed "Don't get too close, or they'll find you. Leave the car, then sneak closer when you arrive at the harbour."

"Yes, Ogawa-san."

I decided to leave my earplug on, so I could intervene to give orders if anything happened to them. The following minutes were incredibly tense as I heard one of them getting out of the car to tail our enemies.

"The cage is inside." I was told.

"Get away." I said simply.

Discreetly, I grabbed the remote in my pocket, and pressed the button to turn the bomb on. Once. Twice. I could not hear the peculiar sound of explosive.

"There is a problem." I clicked my tongue.

"Nothing happened... What do we do...?" The newbie panicked.

"For now, just —"

His scream pierced my eardrum, cutting my sentence and making me freeze on the spot. We had been discovered... How? As I thought about a potential mistake, I did not hear anyone approaching me from behind. I was grabbed harshly and thrown toward the ground. On my back, a foot made sure I would not escape.

"So here is the mastermind behind this clumsy attack. Fuyuko, is that right?"

I gritted my teeth and moved my head to give a positive answer. It was not my real name, but exposing my identity could reveal my belonging to the Port Mafia, and I was more afraid to be punished for spilling out information about the organisation than I was about dying.

"I really wonder what kind of grudge you could hold against our mighty organisation... But you were careless. When you put a bomb on a cage full of slaves, you should expect one of them could talk...~" He pressed harder, making me gasp in pain.

In front of me, the girl I had talked to earlier kneeled in front of me, a contemptuous smile on her face. She who earlier had been so frightened stood in front of me, confident and superior.

"You see, Fuyuko-san... I followed your advice." She giggled "I chose life, and offered myself to that member of the company... I gave him information, and, in exchange, he freed me. Isn't that wonderful~?"

I glanced at her.

"You are a fool." I articulated "Do you think that brute would free you...? How naive you are... You only sold yourself... Pitiful..."

"You're the one who's pitiful, right now." She defended "Besides, I did that out of my own volition. I am a free being, don't you understand?"

"You are not free when you willingly put yourself under someone else's orders... I know what I am saying..." I mumbled.

"Whatever~" The man suddenly yanked me up to slam me against an empty cage nearby "Let's lock you up for now, we'll discuss your fate after...~"

I found myself behind the bars, unable to do anything to get out of the situation. Helpless, I let myself slump down and brought my knees to my chest. I had failed. My men had died. I would perhaps even be killed. Dazai-san would never congratulate me for completing that mission... I was such a disappointment...

"W-What are you doing...?" I heard the girl yelp, making me raise my eyes slowly.

"You gave yourself to me~" Her new partner groped her chest shamelessly "So I'll take you now~"

"N-No...! Wait —"

Maybe luck had not completely left my side, after all. The lock of the cage was not really elaborate, and, unless the man appeared to be impotent, I could easily pick it up while they were engaged in whatever heated activities they were going to start. I detached my pin from my sleeve, where I hid it, and waited. He pushed her down. I waited. He sucked at her skin. I waited. He removed her clothes. I waited still. Finally, he violated her, and I could start escaping. The sound made by the lock was covered by her moans and cries — either of pain or pleasure, they were hard to differentiate — and I made my way out. Quietly, I sneaked toward the bag I had brought with me to reach for my silencer. Without it, I could not use my guns without the possibility of someone witnessing me, but now... I approached the man from behind. Too engrossed by his blissful experience, he did not hear me, and I could point the barrel to his head. Under him, the poor girl's eyes widened in fear, but she did not have time to warn him. With a smirk, I pulled the trigger, ending his life.

"H-How...?" She sobbed, covering herself in shame.

"It is a chance that this man was dumb... In fact, thank you for offering yourself to him. You made a pretty good distraction~" I chuckled.

"It was a mistake...!" She recognised "I didn't think... I thought..."

"I have been in your stead." I revealed "But I can't say I empathise with you. You were stupid enough to put yourself in that situation, so you can only blame yourself."

"What are you going to do to me...?"

"Isn't it obvious....?" I hummed, pointing my gun toward her.

She screamed, and tried to run away, but she was stuck under the man's corpse and could not move an inch. Mercilessly, I shot a bullet into her skull, stopping her definitely. Although I had warned her, she had still chosen such a useless path... I sighed and headed out of the basement where the illegal auction was held. In my bag, there was still an inactivated bomb I could use to blow their warehouse. I could not fail anymore. If I were to, it would be better to throw myself off of a building before morning came.

When I arrived at the harbour, I clenched my fists in front of the sight I was given to see. My men had all been shot. We had been ambushed, all because of that slave girl who had not been capable of keeping quiet. None of them had been spared... Taneda-kun... Anger boiled inside my chest, and I desired only to break into the room and kill them, one by one, with the sole power of my guns, but it was impossible. I would end up meaninglessly losing my life. I sighed, deeply, and pulled out a teddy bear I had bought on the way. Swiftly, I opened a sewing on its back and shoved the small bomb inside, before closing it again. That would have to do. From what I had seen, there was a chance most of them were dimwits, and the surprise effect from the plush animal would perhaps last long enough for me to press the cursed button of my remote. I took a self-made sling to throw the explosive through the opened door of the warehouse, and waited. Inside, I had added a communication device as well, which I had picked from Taneda-kun's corpse. I would be able to hear their every word...

"What the f*ck is this...?" One grumbled, getting closer.

"A teddy? What the goddamn heck?"

Soon enough, they all gathered around the strange plush. No one even had the idea of tossing it away. Alone, I laughed at their misfortune and triggered the bomb. As the first rays of sun appeared behind the horizon, the warehouse exploded and collapsed in the water of the port, nothing to be left behind. I had been warned that the bomb was extremely powerful, but that was beyond my expectation.

"It is a shame you can't see it, Taneda-kun..." I whispered, patting his lifeless shoulder next to me "It worked out, in the end... Thank you..."

I could not stay there too much, or I would be caught by the police, alerted by the noise. At the very least, my subordinates had been avenged.

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#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu

[miscalex]

     ‹  jeon jungkook, cis male, he/him  ›  →  oh ? excuse me, but isn’t that alexander kang ? they look nothing like they did before … i think they're twenty-four now ? yeah, last time i heard about them, they were an professional boxer and were really struggling to come by. but who isn’t nowadays, right ? and them being a capricorn ? that’s like … even worse for them. hopefully this trip can change their perspective to things, because they sure need it.

     good  morning  or  evening  or  wherever  you  are  !  i  wanna  thank  for  the  patience  because  like  ..  twenty  things  wen  wrong  since  last  night  at  8pm  gmt+1  and  i’ve  been  going  with  the  flow  (  or  tryin’ ...  i’m  tryin’  ).  either  way,  reaches  me  at  𝒏𝒐𝒄𝒉𝒖 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ♡#6348  for  plots  or  here  on  tumblr.  on  with  the  intro  !

     FULL  NAME  ALEXANDER ZEUS KANG     NICKNAMES  ALEX, LEX, AZK, ZEUS      AGE  TWENTY - FOUR     DATE  OF  BIRTH  DECEMBER 27TH 1996     ZODIAC  SIGN  CAPRICORN     PERSONALITY  TYPE  ESTP-A ( ENTREPERNEUR )     ALIGNMENT  CHAOTIC NEUTRAL    PIERCINGS  EAR PIERCINGS ( TWO IN ONE + THREE ON THE OTHER )     TATTOOS  ARM SLEEVE, HAND TATTOOS, 2 BACK TATTOOS AND TWO CHEST TATTOOS     DRINKER  YES     DRUGS  OCCASIONALLY     NARCOTICS  OCCASIONALLY     ALLERGIES  COCONUT,  CAT FUR     ILLNESS  UNDIAGNOSED MULTIPLE BIPOLAR DISORDER

┈ STEP ONE  .  A  SCOOP  OF  UNFILTERED  DRAMA  (  tw  ALCOHOL  ABUSE,  NEGLECT,  CHILDHOOD  TRAUMA,  DEPRESSION  )

     i.  alexander  zeus  kang  was  named  as  such  with  big  visuals  of  grandness  and  power.  his  father,  CEO  of  Kang  SF  Industries,  wanted  nothing  more  than  a  child  to  have  perfect  picture  family  in  his  aid.  his  mother,  on  the  other  hand,  was  nothing  but  a  trophy  wife  with  narcissistic  tendencies,  alcoholic  and  a  string  of  affairs.  to  say  alexander  was  born  and  raised  in  a  home  without  love  is  an  understatement,  but  to  the  public,  he  was  the  happiest,  luckiest  baby  boy  to  step  this  world

     ii.  trapped  between  nannies,  lecturers  and  his  own  solitude,  alexander  grew  unable  to  develop  emotional  connections  until  he  was  seven.  often,  his  father  would  yell  and  degrade  him  when  he  didn’t  smile  for  pictures  or  seemed  a  little  bit  ill  and  his  mother,  to  lack  of  another  word,  simply  ignored  his  existence  for  the  remaining  time.  the  small  moments  of  affection  were  shared  in  events  and  in  front  of  cameras  and  the  small boy  lived  for  it.  it  was  only  when  the  family  doctor  diagnosed  him  with  depression  and  retarded  social  skills  that  his  parents  finally  put  him  in  school,  in  order  to  give  a  chance  to  the  boy  to  grow  up

     iii.  the  first  years  ?  weren’t  easy  for  him.  his  tutors  had  taught  him  things  that  simply  weren’t  given  in  school  or  were  overly  developed,  which  meant  he  was  ahead  of  his  class.  this  caused  him  to  show  erratic  behavior  and  disobedience.  as  he  got  home  to  notes  from  the  teachers  and  warnings,  the  same  behavior  was  shown:  his  mother  ignored  him  and  his  father  yelled,  destroyed  everything  around  him.  the  school  therapist,  however,  saw  beyond  this  behavior,  he  saw  that  the  child  was  most  likely  bored.  more  notes  were  sent  to  his  home,  this  time  requesting  the  boy  to  be  signed  up  for  sports,  music,  and  things  to  develop  his  skills

     iv.  the  two  activities  he  loves  most  were  kick - boxing  and  music.  the  aggression  the  sport  brought  him  made  him  feel  more  confident  and,  obviously,  feel  powerful  against  a  figure  like  his  father.  music  forced  him  to  open  up  and  face  his  emotions,  realizing  he  had  some.  as  followed  by  the  therapist,  he  showed  improvement  not  only  in  emotional  and  mental  stability,  but  his  social  skills  started  improving  as  well.  this  was  a  gold  mine,  a  good  case  of  success  that,  unfortunately,  couldn’t  be  shared

┈ STEP  TWO  .   IT’S  NOT  JUST  A  PHASE,  MOM  (  HOMOPHOBIA,  PRESSURE,  ALCOHOL  AND  DRUG  MENTION  )

     v.  his  parents  couldn’t  care  less.  they  didn’t  notice  how  the  boy  spent  more  time  away,  as  long  as  he  was  there  for  show.  they  only  really  started  paying  attention  when  they  were  forced  to  attend  a  kick - boxing  school  match  and  even  then,  you  could  see  the  lingering  disinterest.  things  changed,  however.  his  mother  was  starting  to  give  him  two  seconds  of  her  attention  and  his  father  went  out  of  his  way  to  provide  for  his  passion.  instead  of  despising  the  sport  for  being  barbaric,  they  supported  his  decision,  his  father  even  going  out  to  pay  for  a  personal  trainer  for  him.  as  long  as  he  kept  fighting  ?  he  had  their  attention

     vi.  their  attention  started  to  become  smothering,  his  schedules  extending  and  leaving  him  in  a  corner.  his  mother  had  especial  aggressive  pressure,  waking  him  up  at  ungodly  hours,  making  him  train  for  too  many  hours  in  a  row,  tiring  him  out.  but  being  the  first  time  alexander  had  his  parent’s  “love”,  he  tried  his  very  best  to  endure  it

     vii.  around  this  time,  alex  did  started  to  question  some  things  about  himself.  and  in  his  own  way,  confused  about  the  world  and  about  his  own  sexuality,  he  had  became  extremely  close  with  a  boy,  daejung.  despite  the  pushed  schedules  and  bad  trips,  that  boy  was  the  shine  in  alex’s  days,  tending  to  him  when  he  could,  making  it  easy  to  endure  the  pressure  he  was  being  put  through.  however,  his  parents  started  to  notice  his  pattern  and  when  they  found  out  it  was  a  boy  of  everything,  the  were  quick  to  try  and  shut  it  down.  that  was  the  first  real  time  alex  shut  down.  after  fighting  with  his  parents  for  hours,  being  told  he  was  only  a  gift  of  god  due  to  his  talent  but  spawn  of  satan  due  to  everything  else,  alex  just  caved.  after  all,  if  he  was  just  that,  why  not  act  like  it  ?

     viii.  this  wild,  unfiltered  behavior  only  got  worse  when  daejung  left  town  unannouced,  breaking  his  heart  even  further.  the  only  thing  that  gave  him  peace  of  mind  was  his  career  and  music,  falling  into  the  self-destructive  pattern  even  quicker.  late  nights,  alcohol,  men  and  women  at  his  display,  alex  didn’t  have  boundaries  anymore.  when  his  father  finally  put  his  foot  down,  alex  already  had  the  monotary  freedom  to  move  out  and  so  he  did,  between  screams  and  destruction,  cutting  his  parents  completely  from  his  his  career  by  hiring  a  new  accountant  and  manager.  that  was  the  last  time  he  spoke  to  his  parents

┈ STEP  THREE  .   TIPBITS  &.  SILLY  INFORMATION

     a)  capricorn  sun,  gemini  moon,  aries  rising  &  libra  venus

     b)  allergic  to  coconut  and  cat  fur,  but  he  will  still  love  and  appreciate  cats,  and  might  want  to  add  to  his  mini  zoo

     c)  by  mini  zoo,  he  has  four  dogs  and  two  sugar  gliders.  dogs:  davinci,  yeo,  chanel  and  princess;  sugar  gliders:  loki  and  thor

     d)  can’t  sleep  with  socks  to  save  his  life.  hates  wearing  shoes  indoors.  will disown  you  if  sees  you  sleeping  with  socks

#trip4us: intro #i am ... so sorry for this #njdkfdjkd me n not knowing how to write intros #i'm sorry

[somegremlin-archive3]

—   ✕ 『 ★ HEADCANON - The Entity The Goddess  ★ 』 ✕ 

—   LORE.

          The following headcanon contains triggers including blood, death, maternal death during childbirth, child abuse, human ( child ) experimentation, religion, drugs ( in the human experimentation sense ), and cults. The premise of the following headcanon involves the cult and the Goddess it worshipped, Izanami no Mikoto or Izanami for short. The headcanon also discusses the entity possessing the Dogra Magra doll.

—   THE BEGINNING.

          There were two deities, Izanami no Mikoto and her husband, Izanagi no Kami, charged with the creation of the world. The two deities performed their RIGHTFUL duties, forging plentiful land and beautiful seas through their own two hands. And as the two deities were united through marriage, they created several more islands across the ocean’s waves. However, as Izanami gave birth to one more child, she passed in childbirth. Blinded by rage, Izanagi KILLED that child and began a quest to the underworld in the hopes of cheating death and returning his beloved to the living.

          However, it was already too late for Izanami as she had consumed food of the dead and with those actions, lost both her ETHEREAL BEAUTY and any chance of being able to RETURN to the living. 

          Humiliated by her grotesque appearance, Izanagi decided to flee … but embarrassed by HIS arrival and his betrayal of their love, Izanami attempted to chase him down. And for the last time, she promised him 

          ‘ I will strangle and kill one thousand men of your land in one day ! ‘

          But that was not enough.

—   DESCENT INTO MADNESS.

          The circles of life and death still spun and in time, while Izanami could not return to the living as the Goddess she once was, she was reborn and reincarnated for centuries. And in every life, her goal was the same; to take away the lives of others purely out of spite and hatred borne from the betrayal at the world’s creation. 

          And in one life, she was truly a GODDESS. 

          Izanami was born as a woman with a truly HORRIFIC ability; a curse based ability she herself dubbed ‘ Dogra Magra ‘. The ability itself was a FRIGHTENING ONE; able to induce madness and death unto those that drew her blood and sparked her fury

          The goddess arose in a Japanese shrine; full of listless, sullen people who had lost their faith in other Gods. These people had long since lost hope; having placed their praise in other Gods; only to have suffered many tragedies; including the untimely deaths of their Miko and Kannushi and the slaughter of members from other, more corrupt cults and power struggles within the cult. And thus, they cried out in sorrow; speaking out things like ‘ Why are we met with cruelty when we have devoted our lives to God ? ‘. As she heard these cries, she CURSED her past husband that forced them into lives they never once asked for and took charge of the shrine. 

          She formed a new religion; one based off BLOODSHED and MURDER. Her followers; driven by despair and agony, began to KILL all those that dared to enter; even make eye contact with one of their own.  Those she even deemed ‘ worthy ‘ willingly subject themselves to a HORRIFIC ritual that allowed her to share her cursed ability with others. Many people SUFFERED … but it was all in the name of the new Miko and how she allowed, even ENCOURAGED people to lash out at the atrocious world she and her former husband created.

But another tragedy struck.

—   THE BIRTH OF HER CHILD.

          Despite the mistakes of her past life, she eventually falls in love with one of her most devoted followers and promotes him to Kannushi. For years, their marriage flourished … until one day, the Kannushi proposed to have a CHILD. There’s hesitation at the very idea; the PAIN her body endured before her body soon succumbed to the blood loss. And all of that agony was for NOTHING as her past husband murdered her own flesh and blood. But she agrees.

          Soon, a child was conceived and for months, the pregnancy seemed fine. Until the day came when she was to give birth.

          What should have been a smooth delivery was HELL for the woman. In the end, her husband had to sever her stomach and pull the child out as she passed.

          So traumatic was the event, Izanami’s spirit refused to move on or wait until her next reincarnation. She feared what her husband would do to the child as her past lover DESTROYED her flesh and blood. Rather than move on, she manages to merge herself with the child; granting them her cursed ability without the bloody ritual.

          That child would eventually be known as the Port Mafia’s greatest weapon, Yumeno Kyusaku.

—   LIFE UNDER THE CULT.

          Many of the cult members had mixed opinions about the newborn child. There were certain members that detested the child; having believed the child would bring RUINATION unto the cult as their birth had robbed them of their beloved Miko that taught them the truth of the world. Other members sensed something DIVINE of the child and believed that they would lead the cult down a bloody path into salvation. Their father was of the latter.

          Believing that their child should be the one to replace the lost Miko, their father showed them no love, only teaching them of the darkness of the world and how everything ended in chaos and pain. And when the child was barely two, their father would put them through those same DARK, BLOODY RITUALS that the chosen ones had to go through to proclaim the Miko’s ability … even when those should have stopped with her death.

          And for little reason did the child suffer, for they already HAD her powers. They already HAD her ability. The only problem was that they were a young child that couldn’t control the powers of a vengeful deity when the ADULTS could.

          That act alone ENRAGED Izanami … but for once, she held back. Surely, the cult was only doing this for the sake of the beliefs SHE had instilled in them ! Surely, this was all out of undying devotion to her, even after her demise. And surely, their child would make a good replacement for her in her passing

          Wrong.

          With her death, the child was the only person left in their cult with this horrific ability, the child was subjected to the GRUESOME task of killing and torturing anyone the cult deemed fit. The child suffered relentless abuse and the only thing the child had left was a DOLL their mother left behind.

Normally, these bloodied acts would have pleased the Goddess … but seeing her child suffer in agony when they were forced to kill or seeing them be violently tortured for even hesitating or failing to kill only sparked her anger MORE.

          And her anger influenced the child’s thoughts. The child still had their OWN firm beliefs; despair over what had befallen them and a constant questioning of WHY they were always met with cruelty. And yet with those thoughts came more VIOLENT thoughts. What if everyone just DIED ? Wouldn’t that be better ? DIDN’T THEY ALL DESERVE TO BE CURSED ?

          Izanami realized she was right all along. She was a fool to create this cycle. Cult or not, all life that was created on this hellscape she herself made deserved nothing less than a BLOODY, PAINFUL DEATH.

          Eventually, the child completely loses control and their own curse takes over; ravaging the ENTIRE CULT and destroying the damned religion that their mother created.

          But that was only the beginning.

—   GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER.

          Eventually, the government finds the lost child wandering through the woods and KIDNAPS them, placing them in a government assigned orphanage to be researched on. Through records left behind from the cult, the government was able to get a good idea of just WHAT the child was.

          The government tried to use the child for their own gain, employing a certain researcher to experiment on the child to find a way to manipulate the ability WITHOUT having the child around. That fails (more on this will be written in a separate HC) and the researcher only manages to partially separate the deity from the child and place it into the doll they carried; resulting in a less stable control over the ability and dooming them to never have full control; even if they grow up. Eventually, the government gives up and dumps them at the Port Mafia grounds. But of course, not without telling Mori what they DO know about them.

—   THE PRESENT

          Due to the meddling of the government, the child struggles to keep their ability under control. Even if they had not had morals, they still struggle to CURSE people on command sometimes. Yet on the other end of the spectrum, there are also times they just lose control altogether and black out; letting the curse take COMPLETE control of them and their actions to cause bloodshed; such as the incident in which they cursed Mori along with some of his other men or the incident in which they cursed the entirety of Yokohama. 

          Izanami herself, although partially bound to the doll, can still greatly influence their emotions and spike them to dangerous extremes. She cannot be a constant voice in their head; although sometimes, she can get through intrusive thoughts or nightmares.

          Their more surreal, horrific nightmares that they CANNOT explain although somewhat a product of the sheer amount of drugs that are often used on them in the mafia and their own mental illness creating awful things, are also visions of Izanami’s first life and death. Often times, they see a strange woman dwelling in the world of the Dead. However, if asked, they’d have NO IDEA what they’re looking at.

          Izanami herself has devolved into an entity of PURE CHAOS and BLOODSHED; any sense of creation and life she once had in her initial life lost. The only being upon the earth she actually holds in any regard is her own child, Yumeno. However, her own sense and trauma are so twisted and so far beyond repair; she’s hellbent on destroying indiscriminately the one thing stopping her the lack of control the child actually has over the ability. 

          Yumeno is only vaguely aware of just WHO the entity is. Save for the mentions of something called ‘ Izanami ‘ around them by researchers and by Mori, they only know that there is something bad in them and their doll. Around other ability users that they already know but aren’t comfortable with, they call their doll ‘ Dogra Magra ‘ or ‘ Dogra ‘ for short. However, due to these names plus a strange … feeling they have, they call their doll ‘ Nami ‘ when alone or around random people asking about their ugly doll.

#blood tw #gore tw #child abuse tw #abuse tw #religion tw #cults tw #pregnancy tw #death tw #drugs tw #human experimentation tw #ask to tag #╰ (✪∀<) ~ *:･ﾟ✧ It hurts to be forced to feel the heart’s break. ✧ 𝐇𝐂. #// I KNOW I CHANGED THE LORE 32098490234 TIMES #// AND WHAT THE DOLL IS NAMED #// BUT I THINK THIS IS THE ACTUAL FINAL TIME #// but this didnt actually change what i had already written too much? #// just that its parent and not parents since yumeno's mom died

[thelostandforgottenangel]

Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

 I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe. 

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second. 

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience 

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion 

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named) 

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art 

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system 

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

#scheduled #mun will be on later #been up all night with sick kids

[katsukiboom]

Ok, so I just read part 1 and 2 of your Cheating! Bakugou fanfic where Reader ends up marrying Izuku, I was wondering if you’d do a part 3 where it’s 16 years later after the wedding and Katsuki runs into s/o and Izuku’s son while he’s working at UA? Katsuki still being single, a smoker and alcoholic? Love your work❤️

ok so ???? i’m sorry it took me so long to get this done but i literally couldn’t nOT stop writing and this reached 3.4k words and i’m like ????????? why ??? but i hope you like it my dude! i left out some things like the alcoholic part since i don’t think u.a would hire someone like that but after that it’s all good (ノ^∇^)

PART 1 || PART 2

———————————————————————————————————–

16 years.

For some, it seems like a life – for you itwas as if only one had passed, your happiness preventing you from noticing timepassing faster than anything else.

You had everything you always wanted on thepalm of your hand: a loving husband with a great heart, a nice house, yourpersonal economy was stable and the cherry on top of the cake was the amazingson you had been blessed with and that had made it into Yuuei with perfectscores. Truly, what could be better? Nothing was missing from your life as faras you could tell, and everything that came before Izuku seemed to be blurry inyour memory, like some bright light covered most of it to protect you fromthings.

The only clear thing you could always seewas his face, and the only clearmemory that gave you strength was remembering the night you left Bakugou. Theempowerment it gave you to storm out of the house that one night so many yearsago still rushed through your veins and even made you feel lucky at times,given the fact that many new doors opened after that that made your life turnupside down in a good way. You harboured no ill feelings towards Katsukithough; it was only life you told yourself, and to be completely honest you hadnever been completely sure about the compatibility you shared.

That, of course, was only in your mind now,and you were sure you’d never dare to tell anyone about it – after all thattime you understood your happiness wasn’t with him, and you hoped he understoodthe same about his own. The only glimpses you caught of him were in Yuuei’sannual class reunions, where he just stood far from everyone next to the wineand avoided every attempt of small talk his old classmates tried on him. Youwanted to ask about his work and what had happened to the great Ground Zerothat was supposed to take over the hero world, but you never truly had thechance to do it.

But it didn’t matter anymore, as every timeyou turned to look at the one you decided to share your life with your heartgrew three times its size and beat with the strength of a hundred horses… or soit felt like. Izuku was all you could’ve dreamed in a partner – sweet,faithful, loyal, helpful, gentle, smart, protective (without gettingoverbearing), he made you feel whole, and many more things you could say abouthim but that would take too long to even put into words. You felt like he wasthe one destined for you, your soulmate to give it a name, and when you bothwelcomed the fruit of your love into the world about a year after the weddingit was the realization that nothing could go better.

Toshiro was nothing short of an amazingchild: well-behaved, always willing to lend a hand in the house, and respectfulto everyone around him. He took after his father, with green short curls andbig eyes, freckles spread all over his little face and even for his fifteenyears of age he seemed to have an amazing understanding of what he wanted to becomein life – ever since he made his desire of becoming a great hero like hisfather known to you two, Izuku had taught him early on to analyse every littlething he could about heroes, villains and Quirks, lending him his variousnotebooks in the process to encourage him to make his own. Sometimes he seemedmore excited than his own child and you found it adorable, hoping for the bestto come to your son.

When he came home with a beaming smile totell you the news that he had finally been accepted into Yuuei, 1-A to be morespecific, Izuku and you could not contain the happiness that filled yourhearts, and you granted Toshiro’s wish of going wherever he wanted to both as acongratulatory and parting gift, since it would only be a few weeks until hemoved to the dorms you knew well. Your child told you how everyone in theschool knew who his father was and how proud he was that ‘Deku’ had become suchan icon between the youth, as well as how one of the guys in his class wasMonoma’s son, something that made you laugh a bit.

Every day Toshiro called you at night tolet you know how his day had been and you were truly happy until a week passedand one night his voice through the phone sounded sad and angry, something youfound extremely confusing since he never really got upset about anything andtried to learn from everything around him.

“We have a substitute for homeroom until MrAizawa comes back from overseas,” he explained with a little sniff; whoever hadmade your little boy feel like that would have hell to pay for. “It’s thisbitter guy who’s always bringing up the fact that we need to be better versionsof the ones who came before us, and he’s always bringing up dad and claiminghe’s not worthy of being number one – I’m starting to feel that he doesn’t likeme because of him. He’s always making me overwork and today in training classhe completely ignored my scores even if I tried my best.”

“Have you tried talking to other teachersor even the principal?”

You were worried that you’d show signs ofanger or anything else that could affect Toshiro even more, but if that wasthere he didn’t give away anything. “I spoke with the counsellor who told mehe’s known him since he was a student and that he’d talk with him tomorrow, sonow I’m just waiting to see what happens.”

You told him to keep you updated on thesituation and quickly diverted the topic to something else to avoid him gettingmore and more upset, but you doubted it would get the thoughts out of his mind.After another ten minutes of talking he started yawning quietly, so you smiledas you said your goodbyes, wishing him a good night and ending the call. Izukuwas already sleeping due to his hectic schedule, and you made a mental note totalk with him the next day to let him know what was going on – you were a bitafraid he’d try to go and do something at the school, but a little voice inyour head reminded you that it was Deku you were talking about, the gentle andkind being who wouldn’t even hurt a fly.

But when Toshiro called the next night tolet you know that the substitute had tried to shame him in front of hisclassmates, you knew it was time for you to get involved; the kid had never hadany problems at school, and this being a first bothered you to say the least.

“I’ll be going to Yuuei tomorrow morning,”you announced during the very quiet dinner, Izuku eyeing you carefully from theother side of the table as if trying to read through you. “There’s something Ineed to take care of, I’ve already talked with Toshiro.”

“Did something happen to him?” he askedfast and he looked at you with a mix of sudden emotions, but you raised a handto calm him down.

“He’s been having trouble with a teacherfor a few days so I want to go and have a small talk to see if there’ssomething our boy’s not telling us or if it’s just an Aizawa copycat,” you explainedbefore taking a sip of water, purposefully leaving out some details you knewwould rile him up. “I know you can’t make it this week so I’ll take it on myown hands to fix this. I’ll keep you updated so you don’t worry or anything,”you said as you reached over the table to put your hand over his, giving it alittle squeeze in reassurance. You knew he’d worry despite what you told himthough, so you went back to your plate as he started telling you about his daywith a smile.

You woke up at 6am sharp in the cold bedand with a slight headache, something you took as a bad omen of what was tocome but you brushed it off thinking it was only your imagination. Taking a bitlonger to get ready, you looked at yourself in the mirror to fix the lastdetails before heading out to the kitchen, where you got a glass of water whichyou drank almost all in one sip – it was a bit stressing to think about whatyou would say or even do given that it was the first time you ever had to getinvolved, but at least you were thankful no teachers had called you for ameeting yet which meant Toshiro was keeping it together the best he could.

The drive was surprisingly fast for aThursday morning and before you knew it you were parking in front of the maingates, the enormous spread of land occupied by the school now even bettersecured due to the incidents that happened while you studied there. You took adeep breath and exited the car, walking the steps until you were right in frontof the metal automatic doors. They opened a few moments later, a tallindividual dressed in a fur vest and brown pants waiting behind them; he haddog-like appearance, with blond hair and a muzzle that covered half his face.He was very intimidating and scared you a bit but you remembered him fromplenty of times you had also sought his help – it was the pro-hero Hound Dog. “MrsMidoriya now, huh? Good to see you again,” he said lowly, almost like a growlbut you could see the slight trace of a smile on his snout, and you just noddedand greeted him with a little bow. “Your son told us you’d be coming today.Right this way, please.”

Despite his mildly aggressive tone he waskind enough to walk you through the all-too-familiar hallways for what feltlike twenty whole minutes until you reached his office. It was spacious andthere were little changes to it you could recognize, and after sitting acrossfrom his on his desk you glanced around to get used to your surroundings again.“I’m not sure if Toshiro talked with you about what’s been going on, but Iheard from him that there’s a substitute that’s been giving him some trouble,”you started as you turned back to him, “and I was wondering if there’ssomething you can tell me about this issue that maybe he’s not telling me.”

“Has he told you who the substitute is?”Hound Dog asked, his tone a bit sombre or so it sounded to you. You shook yourhead, and he sighed. “I’m sure you know him, he’s been a classmate of yours andas far as I’m aware your husband didn’t exactly get along with him. Bakugou,does it ring a bell?”

The world stopped for a solid minute aroundyou.

“Katsuki is the substitute teacher?”

“He has only a week left,” the hero explainedas he leaned back in his chair, “we called him for help with covering Aizawaduring one of his work trips. We must say that it’s not been the best choice,but Principal Nezu is still hoping to bring out the potential that’s stillthere… or the one he thinks he has.” His words planted on your head as youlistened carefully, and you realized you were gripping onto the armrests astightly as your hands could, immediately letting go as you saw your knucklesturning white. “We have already talked about this with him – it is considered a situation of abuse ofone’s power over someone else, especially when it comes from a teacher.” Hecrossed his arms and closed his eyes for a moment, seemingly thinking aboutsomething when he looked at you again, curiosity filling his gaze. “I can’tguarantee anything, but if it continues like this he’ll lose the job,” the heroadded and then just looked at you, an eyebrow raised as if waiting for you tosay what was going through your mind.

“If you’re expecting my son to go throughthis whole ordeal for one more week then I’m sorry to say the school’sresponsible if anything happens to him,” you spoke clearly and trying not toshow your disappointment. Looking back at the door, you asked, “Is Kats- Bakugou here now? I’d like to have aword with him,” but just when Hound Dog seemed willing enough to answer thedoor opened suddenly, making you jump on your seat but even you didn’t turnaround to see who it was the voice gave it away almost instantly, your gazeinstantly fixing on your lap as if that could hide your identity from him.

“Hound Dog, Vlad has a few things he needsyou to look over for the next fest- oh, I’m sorry,” he said from behind you, obviously not realizing who you were. “Ididn’t think you’d have visits this early,” there was a brief silence as thepro-hero in front of you growled lowly and got up, clearly fully annoyed butwaiting until he walked outside the room to let out some strong words. Youheard he whispered something on the low to Bakugou before grabbing some papersfrom his hands and making his way to wherever he was needed and with a few moresteps the door closed, Bakugou walking to the chair that was now empty. “So,what were you here for then?”

His arrogant tone seemed to return whentalking with someone who wasn’t in a superior position to him, and as he satdown dread filled you as you didn’t expect to go through this on your own. Youlooked up slowly and soon enough your gazes locked, his red eyes widening as itsunk down on him who you were and why you were there. “Hi,” was all you couldsay, but he didn’t reply. You wondered what was going on in his mind and if hewas going through the same array of emotions you were feeling, anger, pity andeven a bit of disappointment mixing together as you scanned over the newfeatures on his face – the scars, the little wrinkles on the corners of hiseyes, the way some white hairs were hidden on his trimmed beard and overall theway he looked at you, like you were a strange creature from another planet.

“Are you here because of your son?” heasked softly yet with a pinch of roughness, letting out a little coughafterwards. He reeked of cinder.

“I’d like to know if there’s anything he’sdoing wrong,” you replied, your eyes never leaving his as he rested his elbows onthe table. “Toshiro’s been telling me some… questionable things about the wayyou teach, and I would like to ask what the problem is. No teacher ever hadproblems with him and it’s been troubling us.”

There was no answer for a moment as hesighed and scratched his nape, and truly you wanted to get out of there as thetension grew by the second. “It’s… the kid’s good, he’s smart and strong,” hestarted, looking away to the opposite wall, and perhaps he knew fully well thenext part was something he should’ve kept private. “I don’t mean any harm tohim, I want him to grow great, I really do – but it’s the personal shit behindit that’s messing me up. I know it’s wrong though, so I want to st-”

“You’re putting personal issues over yourown students’ growth?” you asked, rage invading you as soon as the wordsslipped out of his mouth and sipped into your ears. You couldn’t even begin tounderstand how he had become so careless and even idiotic, letting his owntroubles get in the way of his teaching – you even wondered how he had landedthe job like this. “You know I willtalk with Nezu about this, right?”

He only nodded and turned his gaze back toyou as your scolding made his cheeks turn pink; he looked like a child in painand that made you turn the tone down, even if just a little bit. “You haveevery damn right to do so. I deserve it; I’m pretty sure they were going tofire me anyways,” he muttered almost absentmindedly, as if you couldn’t hearhim. “Look, I don’t want this to turn into a bigger thing than it needs to beand I planned on stopping for these last few days. He doesn’t need this kind oftreatment and I want him to know that he’s better than he thinks. Just like…his father, he tends to put himself down and I don’t like that. Just like I hatedit with Deku,” he explained, but you noticed how hard it was for him to talkabout Toshiro as Izuku’s son or how weird it felt to hear that dumb nicknamecoming from him once more. It felt like he had gotten stuck in a certain place,and you could tell how difficult it had become for him to truly get out.

“I don’t want this to turn any biggereither,” you said as you scratched your nape lightly not knowing what to dowith your hands anymore – you didn’t want to drag the conversation longer thanit needed to be either. Being in his presence made you feel like you’d soon getsucked into the void that had become Bakugou in your life again even if it wasn’texactly like before, and you couldn’t afford that kind of thing. You knewyourself well and you would’ve liked to help him had you known about hisproblems too, but you didn’t have the time or the will to do it. “Just… I don’twant to hear from Toshiro that you’ve been bothering him. If you leave himalone I won’t talk with anyone and this will just be over, and you can move onwith your life.”

He gave you the saddest look you’d everseen him pull off and for a moment it made your heart sink, but you remainedstrong, no matter how many things were running through your head now. He wasonly your past. Nodding, he made no attempt to keep on talking and you took itas a sign you could already leave, but as you got up and turned around to walktowards the door you stopped on your tracks as he spoke again softly. “Do you…”he started, his voice starting to crack a little bit. “Do you think we would’veever ended up like that too? Like you and… Izuku; I’ve always wondered aboutthat, if we would’ve been able to grow from things and be more together, have a family and all that.”

Turning around, you saw him with his face buriedon his hands and you recognized that the habit of hiding when doing something thatwas even the least embarrassing to him was still very present. With a sigh anda small smile on your lips, you couldn’t help but being honest. “I’ve neverwondered about that, because I knew that we would’ve never lasted togetherafter what happened. I wasn’t going to trust you again – it was bittersweet,yes, but it was what we needed and I’ve grown from it, and I think you shoulddo the same. The old Katsuki wouldn’t take kindly to what you’ve done toyourself, especially the cigarettes.”

Katsuki lifted his head to look at you fora split second before looking away again and closing his eyes, and before youleft for good you thought you’d seen the smallest tear falling from the cornerof his eye. You waited until you were back in your car to let go of your own, fallingsilently down your cheeks as ghosts of the past haunted you and opened doorsyou long ago thought had closed already, but your heart was unable to look backand welcome those feelings again. A nauseated feeling invaded you and, withlittle remorse for finally leaving the memories of Katsuki aside once and forall, you started the car and slowly revised the activities you had planned forthe day.

You were sure the routine would keep yourmind busy until you could fill it again with the happiness your new life hadgiven you for so long.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha scenarios #bnha imagines #boku no hero scenarios #boku no hero imagines #mha #my hero academia #mha scenarios #mha imagines #my hero academia scenarios #my hero academia imagines #daily bnha #mine #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #deku #darkseptigirl

[crescentmoon223]

When This is Over

As promised, my Stella/Scully quarantine fic. Heads up, it’s SUPER SMUTTY - you’ve been warned lol.

Tensions run high when Stella and Scully are forced to self-isolate together at home during a global pandemic. How far will Scully go to convince Stella to take her on a belated honeymoon once this is over? (Hint: bedroom hijinks!)

Read it on AO3 Note: This is set in present day (spring 2020), post Two Worlds Collide and after their wedding. When I write the sequel to TWC, it will be set during the summer and fall of 2019, directly after the epilogue (and yes, it will include their wedding!) Sorry if this is confusing, but it’s the only way the timeline made sense in my head lol. Obviously, I would rather write the TWC sequel first (and I do hope to write it next month!) but the idea for this quarantine fic hit last weekend, and I decided to go for it while it was relevant. I hope you enjoy! xx

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There were certain sounds that Scully associated with this new chapter in their lives. The clatter of fingers on a keyboard. The murmur of newscasters from the television in the kitchen. The flute music Stella listened to while she did yoga. And currently, the bump and clatter of her obsessively cleaning their flat. Scully looked up from her laptop with a smile as Stella entered her line of vision. She wore gray yoga pants with a black tank top, her hair tied back with a red polka-dot bandana. She wiped down their already sparkling countertops, spraying and scrubbing at spots only she could see. Everyday Stella was a neat freak and a bit of a germophobe. Stella during a viral pandemic was next level. “Nice ass,” Scully called as Stella bent to wipe down the front of one of the cabinets. Stella shot her an exasperated look, but she turned, leaning over the sink to rinse her cleaning cloth in a way that pressed her breasts together, emphasizing her cleavage beneath the snug-fitting tank top, and it certainly wasn’t accidental.

Read the rest on AO3

Scully closed out of the software the university was using for its virtual classroom. She’d been teaching forensics online for a week now, and it had gone relatively smoothly, although she missed the face-to-face interaction with her students. Setting her laptop on the table, she returned her attention to her wife. “Planning to stop cleaning anytime soon?” Another sharp look from Stella. “I’ll stop when it’s clean.” Scully knew better than to argue with her. She fought a smile as she remembered the abject horror on Stella’s face after she’d been told that as Detective Chief Superintendent, a position which required little to no field work, she was one of the non-essential Met personnel who would be expected to work from home until the self-isolation period had passed. In the days since, she had quickly demonstrated why she was not a good candidate to work from home. Unable to go to the office—or the pool—she’d covered the living room table with Met paperwork, file folders and notebooks filled with her ingenious musings. When she wasn’t working, she alternated between cleaning fits, ill-fated yoga sessions that tended to end in a lot of swearing and whiskey drinking, and watching entirely too much news BBC coverage on COVID-19. In short, she was driving Scully crazy. For her part, Scully had a more pragmatic approach. She’d suffered through many less pleasant quarantine situations than this one during her time on the X Files, and she’d already faced the potential end of the world as she knew it…more than once. She was perfectly content now to teach from her home office, run her own data on the progression of the virus, and spend plenty of time with her wife. If only she could get Stella to settle. “I need to check on my mom, and then we should start thinking about dinner,” Scully told her. “There are steaks in the freezer,” Stella said. “I’ll put them in the sink to thaw.” “Perfect.” Scully picked up her laptop and opened FaceTime to dial her mom. Maggie’s face appeared on the screen, and Scully felt something deep inside her relax. Probably the hardest part of this mandatory self-isolation was being trapped an ocean away from her mom, who was in a high-risk category due to her age. Thankfully, Maggie had lots of people checking on her. “Dana, I was just thinking about you,” she said with a smile. “How are you today, Mom?” “Oh, I’m just fine. Fox dropped by earlier. He brought me groceries, that sweet man.” Scully’s heart clenched. Mulder was a sweet man to check on her mom for her, not that she’d ever doubted this about him. They were family, in every way that mattered. She made a mental note to call him in the morning to thank him, and to make sure he was taking care of himself too. “He didn’t come in, did he?” “No. He left the groceries on the porch and then sat and talked with me for a while through the window.” Scully smiled. “That was nice of him.” “He talked a lot about increased UFO sightings, particularly in areas with the highest rate of infection.” Maggie’s eyes widened. “Mom.” Scully shook her head in exasperation. “It’s not an alien virus. In fact, it originated from bats.” “Well, he was very convincing, is all I’m saying,” Maggie told her. “He always is,” Scully agreed. “You’re still feeling fine? No symptoms?” “I’m as healthy as a seventy-six-year-old woman could expect to be,” Maggie said. “I even went for a walk around the neighborhood earlier, and before you ask, yes, I kept my distance from everyone else.” “Good,” Scully said, wishing more than anything that she could reach through the screen and give her mom a hug. “Remember, there’s no reason to panic if you do develop symptoms, but it’s extremely important that you get tested right away. Tests are hard to come by in the US, but I know people who can pull strings for you.” “I know, I know,” Maggie said, waving her hands impatiently. “How are you and Stella?” “We’re fine,” Scully told her, glancing toward the kitchen, but Stella was nowhere in sight. “Just a bit stir crazy, but who isn’t?” “I imagine this is very difficult for Stella,” Maggie said with a knowing smile. Scully grinned. “You got that right.” “Did I hear my name?” Stella emerged from the hallway, having changed into a white T-shirt and drawstring pants, her hair loose over her shoulders. She sat on the couch beside Scully, waving politely at Maggie. “Hi, Stella,” Maggie said warmly. “How are you?” “I’m fine, despite what Dana may be telling you,” she said, giving Scully a look. “And how are you, Maggie?” “The very same,” Maggie said with a laugh. Stella joined the conversation for a few minutes before excusing herself to the kitchen to check on the steaks. “I’ll talk to you again tomorrow, Mom,” Scully said. “And call me anytime, for any reason, no matter the hour. Promise?” “Will do,” Maggie said. “Good night, Dana. I love you.” “Love you too, Mom.” She ended the call and closed her laptop. Her gaze caught on the gold band glinting on her left ring finger. She was thankful for it for so many reasons, but right now, it symbolized a vitally important connection between her and Stella. If the worst were to happen and one of them became sick, they would have spousal privileges at the hospital. Stella was her next of kin, with visitation rights and the power to make any difficult decisions that might need to be made. And Scully would do the same for Stella. Both of them had living wills and all their wishes already clearly defined, but it gave her an extra sense of peace knowing they had each other. She touched the ring with a smile. “What do you want to do until dinner?” Stella asked, rejoining her on the couch. “Oh, I’m sure we can think of something.” She smiled as Stella’s fingers traced the seam of Scully’s jeans from her knee slowly up her thigh. They’d always enjoyed an active sex life, but being stuck at home together had made them even more insatiable than usual. She reached for Stella, sliding one hand into her hair as she pulled her in for a kiss. Stella smelled like lemons and soap, her lips soft and pliant against Scully’s. She stared into the azure depths of Stella’s eyes as her mind flipped all the way back to their first kiss against the side of Stella’s car over twenty years ago. They’d shared a lifetime of kisses since, two continents worth, from London to Maryland to Wyoming. Lately, she’d been wanting to add someplace new to that list. She pressed her lips against a sensitive spot on Stella’s jaw, feeling the shudder that ran through her. “You still owe me a honeymoon, you know.” “This isn’t enough for you?” Stella quipped, hands roaming beneath Scully’s shirt. “Endless weeks trapped here at home, fucking each other senseless?” She shook her head, gasping as Stella sucked at the spot beneath her ear that had always been her undoing. “I’m serious. If we survive this pandemic—” “If?” Stella interrupted, her tone sharp. “When,” Scully corrected. “When this is over, we owe it to ourselves to take a real vacation, one that has nothing to do with work or family. Just you and me, celebrating our marriage somewhere special.” Stella said nothing, instead swirling her tongue over Scully’s neck while she teased her through her jeans. But despite her already-wet panties, Scully persisted, because seduction as a form of distraction was the oldest rule in Stella’s book. “Paris,” she said, sliding into Stella’s lap. “There are so many museums we could explore, so much art. The Mona Lisa…” Stella arched her hips so Scully could move against her, friction building through their clothes. “I’ve seen the Mona Lisa.” “But I haven’t.” She slipped a hand between them, touching Stella through her pants, pleased as Stella’s breath hitched, nipples hardening beneath her T-shirt. “Take me, Stel.” “Yes,” Stella said throatily. “Take me to Paris,” she clarified, fingers moving over the soft cotton of Stella’s pants, already damp with her arousal. “We’ll see,” Stella hedged. She thought vacations were a waste of time and money, an extravagance that could be better indulged in fine liquors, fabrics, and other luxuries right here at home. Scully was generally inclined to agree with her. They both worked hard and traveled often enough for work or to visit family that a separate vacation just for the two of them sometimes felt like too much effort. But this was different. She’d already lost too many years to unpredictable viruses and quarantine protocols. She deserved a trip to Paris, at the very least. They both did. But if sex was Stella’s preferred means of communication at the moment, maybe she could use that to her advantage. Scully bent her head and kissed Stella, hands sliding behind her back to hold her close. Her tongue slid into the welcome heat of Stella’s mouth, tasting whiskey. “Picture it, Stella,” she murmured against her lips. “Sidewalk cafés, wine and cheese and melt-in-your-mouth pastries on our balcony.” “Mm,” Stella said noncommittally, hands gripping Scully’s ass. “Versailles,” Scully whispered against the pulse point on Stella’s neck, watching as goose bumps rose on her skin. “Gardens. Flowers. So many beautiful churches.” “I hate church,” Stella said breathlessly. “I’m not asking you to sit through a service with me, just admire the architecture and the stained glass.” She swirled her tongue over Stella’s collarbone, rewarded by a sharp inhale. “Let’s go, when this is over.” “Dana…” Stella’s body stilled beneath Scully’s. “We don’t know when that will be or what the world will look like.” “I know that.” She sat up, taking Stella’s chin in her hand to force her to meet her eyes. “I know that better than almost anyone.” “Then why are you pushing me for a trip right now of all times?” There was a fragility to the fierceness in Stella’s gaze. She was afraid. Scully softened at the realization. “The world will look different when this is over, and it will be a while before we can go to Paris, but it’s good for morale to have something to look forward to, and I would imagine the economy will need a boost from tourism when all is said and done.” “I can find you plenty of architecture and stained glass right here in London.” Stella popped the button on Scully’s jeans, pushing down the zipper with a soft metallic hiss. Scully pressed closer. “Not the point.” “Agree to disagree?” Stella’s fingers dove down the front of Scully’s underwear. Her hips rolled against Stella’s hand as a soft whimper escaped her throat, and a wicked idea took hold in her mind. “I’ll play you for it.” “What?” An adorable wrinkle appeared in Stella’s brow. Scully sat up straighter, grinning. “Sex games are your specialty, are they not?” Stella’s eyebrows lifted. “What kind of game?” “If I can make you come first, we go to Paris. If you make me come first, we stay home.” She dangled the bait, knowing Stella would be unable to refuse, even as she also knew her chances of winning were slim. Stella’s self-control was legendary, after all. But it would be fun to try, and it might even distract Stella from the reality of their situation for a little while. Sure enough, the flame in Stella’s eyes lit. “You’re on.” * * * Stella pushed Scully onto the bed and climbed on top of her, both of them still fully clothed. Now that Scully had made this a game with their honeymoon as the prize, they were both eager to take things slow. Frankly, Stella couldn’t imagine a better way to spend what remained of the afternoon than to slowly and relentlessly tease Scully right over the edge…repeatedly. “You smell good,” Scully murmured, shifting beneath her so that Stella’s right thigh slid between her own. “I took a quick shower while you were talking to your mother.” Stella pressed her thigh more firmly against Scully, rewarded by a little moan. She liked this position, being on top, in control, a feeling that had been in short supply since she’d been sent home from work. Stella hated laying low, waiting the threat to pass. Her every instinct screamed for her to get out there on the frontlines and fight this thing. She’d fearlessly stared down every kind of evil imaginable over the years, but this one was different. There was no bravery in going outside now, nothing but her own stupidity to blame if she allowed the virus to catch her. There was a helplessness to being trapped at home that was slowly eating her alive. She’d cleaned everything she could get her hands on, the only way she knew to fight this faceless threat. She’d checked on Fran nearly as often as Scully called her mother. She’d watched while Scully analyzed articles and data, showing her graphs that scared the fuck out of her, while Scully herself faced their uncertain future with a kind of serenity that made Stella want to scream. Distantly, she wondered if Scully knew all of this, if she’d manufactured this sex game to get Stella out of her head for a little while, to give her a sense of power here that she couldn’t find elsewhere right now. It wouldn’t surprise her, but she wasn’t going to let it ruin this moment either. She slid a hand beneath Scully’s top—a crisp black button-down she’d worn for her online teaching earlier that day—and cupped her over her bra. She brushed her thumb back and forth, feeling Scully’s nipples harden beneath her touch. Scully deftly untied the drawstring on Stella’s pants, slipping a hand inside. “Stella,” she said in a scandalized tone. “Did you FaceTime my mother without underwear?” “Easier to get undressed afterward.” She swallowed a whimper as Scully’s fingers slid over her bare skin before retreating to palm her equally bare breasts. “I’ll say.” Scully pushed Stella’s shirt up, helping her slide it over her head. Stella straightened, tits bouncing as she rocked her hips against Scully’s. The coronavirus was outside her control, but this—her body, her pleasure—this she controlled. That she would win was already a forgone conclusion. She could hardly believe Scully had even offered the challenge. “This might be a better view than anything I would find in the Louvre,” Scully said, gaze locked on Stella’s tits. “All the more reason not to go.” Stella began unbuttoning Scully’s blouse, pausing after each button to kiss the newly exposed skin, leaving a wet trail down the center of her chest and over the clasp of her bra. She continued all the way to the waistband of Scully’s jeans, her shirt now hanging open at her sides. Scully looked down at her, chest heaving, bottom lip pinched between her teeth. “Well, don’t stop there.” “Wasn’t planning to.” Stella eased the shirt down Scully’s left arm and then the right before tossing it to the floor. She helped Scully wiggle out of her jeans, dipping her head to kiss her through her underwear before she stripped those away too, followed by her own pants. Once they were both naked, Stella turned her attention to worshipping every inch of Scully’s bare skin. She kissed her breasts, teasing Scully’s nipples until they had tightened into tight rosy buds, which she flicked with her tongue until Scully moaned. Stella looked up and caught her gaze as she began to kiss her way down Scully’s stomach, making sure to pay special attention to all of her most sensitive spots, like that little patch of skin just below her left hipbone, the one that made her whimper and squirm as Stella’s tongue swirled over it. “God, Stella,” Scully groaned, hands fisted in the sheet. “Mm,” she murmured as she flicked her tongue against Scully’s clit, causing her hips to buck upward with a gasp of surprise. Stella was torn between the desire to drive Scully straight over the edge or to hold herself back a bit and at least give Scully a fighting chance. In the end, she wanted this to last as long as possible. Power games in bed were a huge fucking turn on. Just thinking about what was to come had her throbbing in anticipation. She teased Scully with her tongue, licking and sucking but never giving her as much pressure as she knew Scully preferred. She pushed a single finger inside her, thrusting in time with her tongue, toying with her. Scully’s gasping breaths became increasingly labored, her hips shifting restlessly, her arousal fueling Stella’s. She reached between her own thighs, pressing two fingers against her aching clit. She stroked herself once, twice, just enough to give herself momentary relief from the tension building there before returning her hand to Scully’s body, letting her own need drive her as she focused on her wife. She nipped Scully’s clit, drawing a strangled cry from her lips, before trailing a string of wet, open-mouthed kisses down her inner thighs until Scully was writhing beneath her. “Stop,” she mumbled, pushing at Stella’s shoulders. Stella smiled as she complied, sliding up Scully’s body to kiss her on the mouth, tongues tangling, bodies pressed together from head to toe, spreading heat with every movement. They kissed for what felt like hours, and Stella was lost in the sensations, the warmth of Scully’s breath on her cheeks, the weight of Scully’s breasts against her own, the teasing rub of her skin against the parts of Stella that ached for release. And then Scully was moving, shimmying down to position herself between Stella’s thighs. She inhaled sharply, everything inside her tensing in anticipation. Scully was talented in too many ways to name, but the wicked pleasure of her mouth was something that still overwhelmed Stella in the best possible way. She began with one long, slow lick, and Stella felt herself arching off the bed, her body instinctively seeking more. Scully centered the heat of her mouth over Stella’s clit, swirling there until Stella was dizzy with desire, unaware of anything but the hot press of Scully’s tongue and the powerful need coiling inside her. She moved her hips, rocking against Scully’s mouth, allowing herself this moment of surrender before she slid sideways, rolling to face Scully. Need pulsed wickedly inside her, invigorating her, burning away the ugly things that had built in her chest during the day. “Touch yourself,” she demanded, feeling a shiver of excitement as she watched Scully push a hand between her thighs in response. Scully stroked herself, slowly at first, gradually picking up speed. Her lips parted in silent pleasure, and Stella watched, entranced. Scully stared straight into her eyes as she moved, pleasure apparent in the flush on her cheeks and the slightly dazed expression on her face. “You too,” Scully said breathlessly. “Touch yourself.” Stella did, bringing a hand between her thighs, which were already slick with a combination of her own arousal and Scully’s recent attention. She kept her touch light, careful not to give herself too much stimulation, not when Scully had already brought her so close to the edge. She skimmed her fingers over herself as her core clenched, seeking the release she so relentlessly denied herself. “How close are you?” Scully asked, gaze dropping to Stella’s hand, watching as she touched herself. “Not very,” Stella told her, which was technically true, although she could get herself there quickly enough if she allowed it. “On a scale of one to ten,” Scully persisted, her own fingers still moving, stroking. “One being barely aroused, and ten being the point of no return.” Stella smirked. “Six.” “Oh.” Scully slowed her fingers, looking pained to do so. “And you?” Stella couldn’t help asking. “Eight.” She whimpered slightly. “Maybe a nine.” “Interesting.” Stella reached for her, drawing her close. She pushed Scully’s hand aside, replacing it with her own, and fuck, Scully was so wet. It sent a hot thrill through Stella’s body, shooting straight to her clit. Swiftly, she rolled, sliding a thigh between Scully’s in a move streamlined by years of practice, intimate knowledge of exactly how to position herself so that their pussies pressed together for optimal pleasure. Immediately, Scully began to move, grinding vigorously against Stella. “Nine,” Scully gasped. “Definitely a nine.” Stella was headed there pretty quickly herself, her clit thrumming with need beneath the hot, wet slide of Scully’s body. She watched as Scully surrendered, shuddering in her arms, her pussy pulsing against Stella’s as she came, whimpering, hips jerking, and it was so powerful, she nearly took Stella over the edge with her. She began to move against Scully in earnest now, chasing her own release. She arched her hips so that her clit rubbed against Scully’s pelvic bone with each thrust, and yes, this was it. This was perfect. So fucking perfect. Need coiled hot and tight in her core. Scully rolled away with a wicked grin. “I demand a rematch.” “Well, that’s hardly fair,” Stella said, attempting to steady her voice as her thighs pressed together uncomfortably. “Not exactly a level playing field now, is it?” “It’s perfectly fair,” Scully told her. “You deserved to start with a handicap.” And well, she had a point. Even in her current state, Stella could probably still win their bet. She blew out a long, slow breath. Strike that. She could definitely still win their bet. She could win it three times over if she had to. The game was all part of the thrill for her, and as long as it lasted, she didn’t have to think about what was happening outside their flat, the invisible threat she didn’t know how to fight. “All right.” Scully gave her a smug smile, but Stella kissed it right off her face as she moved in, getting right down to business this time. She fucked Scully hard and fast with her fingers, not letting up until Scully was writhing against her all over again. Once she had her sufficiently worked up, Stella withdrew her hand, trailing her glistening fingers over Scully’s stomach, thrilled with the way she trembled beneath Stella’s touch. “And now?” she asked. “Where are you on your little scale?” “At least a seven.” She pressed a thigh between Stella’s legs, angling her hips to give them both some much-needed friction. “You?” “Same.” Stella pressed herself firmly against Scully’s thigh, attempting to hold still, but Scully stymied her with her own movements, causing her thigh to rub rhythmically against Stella’s already hyper-sensitive clit. She gripped tighter with her thighs, allowing it…for now. “You’re so gorgeous when you’re this turned on,” Scully said reverently, tracing a hand over the contour of Stella’s face. “Makes me want to tease you like this forever.” Stella exhaled, hearing the hitch in her breath. Her thighs, still clamped around Scully’s, began to shake. Scully’s hips stilled, bringing them both to a gasping halt. Stella unthreaded their legs, channeling the energy inside her into a blistering kiss, her lips devouring Scully’s, tongues thrusting in an imitation of the act their bodies craved. This kiss was deep and ravenous, feeding a hunger that only grew with each passing moment. Stella could lose herself here, every cell in her body achingly, breathtakingly alive, adrenaline coursing through her veins, all centered in the pulsing ache between her thighs. They moved together, never quite allowing their bodies to touch the way they needed, instead letting the whisper soft brush of skin against skin stoke the fire blazing between them. “Stella,” Scully gasped, fingernails biting into Stella’s back, causing her to exhale sharply in pleasure. “Do that again,” Stella demanded, her voice low and hoarse. Scully’s nails bit into her skin, dragging slowly down her back to dig into her ass, hauling her up against the welcome heat of Scully’s body. Their hips pressed together more firmly now, and Stella couldn’t help but gasp as Scully thrust against her. “Fuck,” Scully mumbled, and Stella grinned against her lips. Despite her best intentions, Scully had very little willpower when it came to postponing her pleasure. “Nine again, hm?” Stella asked. “Yes.” Scully’s movements became increasingly frantic. Stella arched her back, separating their hips, causing Scully to swear. But Stella wasn’t quite ready for this to be over. Not to mention, Scully was also incredibly, impossibly beautiful when she was this turned on. Her blue eyes gleamed with desire, cheeks flushed, breath coming in irregular gasps. Stella slid down to lavish her breasts, licking and sucking as Scully writhed beneath her. And then, Scully rose, flipping Stella beneath her and pinning her to the bed before she’d realized what was happening. “Time to get you to a nine,” Scully panted, and Stella shifted restlessly against the bed. Truthfully, she’d already been there a few times, and it wouldn’t take much to bring her back…or to carry her over the edge. She held herself still as Scully crawled down her body, giving her a heated look before she closed her mouth directly over Stella’s clit, sucking hard. Stella’s hips bucked, and she held her breath against the urge to beg for more. Scully was on a mission, her tongue licking, flicking, swirling with such an intensity that for several long moments, Stella completely lost her wits, grinding shamelessly against Scully’s mouth. Scully pushed two fingers inside her, expertly stroking her upper wall, and just like that… “Nine,” Stella gasped, pushing Scully away as her core clenched desperately against the emptiness left behind. “Oh, I definitely like you like this,” Scully said, eyes burning hot as they raked over Stella’s body, scorching her everywhere they touched. It was all she could do not to bring her hand between her thighs and let Scully watch as she fucked herself right over the edge. Instead, she pounced, hands gripping Scully’s hips as she evened the score. She held nothing back, nipping and sucking at Scully’s clit as she pushed two fingers inside her, followed quickly by a third. She showed no mercy, working Scully hard and fast, dimly aware that she wasn’t even trying to slow Stella down this time. Scully came in a wet rush, her pussy clenching around Stella’s fingers as her body shook and her hips bucked, followed by a long, low cry of relief. Stella rolled to the side, one hand already between her legs, fucking herself as hard as she’d just fucked Scully. “Wait,” Scully gasped, rising unsteadily as a smile stretched her cheeks. “No,” Stella protested, even as her hand stilled. She could wait. She could keep this up as long as Scully wanted to play. But she was ready to come. Her body shook with the effort not to. “I won fair and square. Twice.” “Yes, you did.” Scully planted a hot kiss against her lips. “And you deserve to be rewarded properly for your efforts.” “Do I?” she asked, one hand still pressed firmly between her legs but not moving, holding herself on the brink of release. “Yes,” Scully said with a brisk nod. “Hands off.” Stella complied, desperately curious as to what Scully had in mind. She steadied her breathing, trying to relax, pushing back her need so that she’d last long enough to properly enjoy her reward, whatever it was. Scully scooted to the edge of the bed and opened the drawer where they kept their toys. A fresh wave of arousal rushed through Stella, and she pressed her thighs together. As she watched, Scully took out the hot pink strap-on that was possibly Stella’s favorite possession. Scully slipped into the harness before turning to face Stella, pink cock jutting in her direction, and she couldn’t help it. She moaned. If it was possible to come from anticipation alone, this would be the moment. Scully squirted lube onto one palm and slicked it over the cock, warming it beneath her palms with long, sweeping strokes while Stella clenched her fists in the sheet to keep from touching herself. She ached to be filled, desperation making her weak. “Ready?” Scully asked as she crawled onto the bed, and Stella nodded, thighs parting in anticipation. “You’re so wet for me, Stella,” Scully said as she allowed the head of the cock to brush against Stella’s entrance. “Mm,” she agreed, gripping Scully’s ass, pulling her closer. “Impatient, are we?” Scully quipped, rocking her hips so that the head of the cock slipped inside Stella. She whimpered, too far gone to argue. Scully pressed forward, testing Stella as her body adjusted to the toy before she drew back and slid home, filling Stella completely. She moaned in relief, falling back against the mattress as Scully straddled her, thrusting into her hard and fast, just the way Stella liked. Scully reached between them, stroking Stella’s clit in time with the movement of her hips, and Stella was done for. Her eyes fell shut as she rocked up to meet Scully, barely able to breathe past the need rising inside her, throbbing in her core, building hotter and stronger with each thrust until she thought she might burst from the power of it. “More,” she gasped. Scully picked up the pace, pounding into her as her fingers circled Stella’s clit, harder, faster, and then she was coming, arching off the bed with a moan as the orgasm rushed through her, leaving her hot and tingly in its wake. She lay there, gasping for breath, still impossibly aroused by the feel of the cock inside her and the woman on top of her. Scully paused, allowing Stella a moment to catch her breath before she resumed her movements, this time tilting her hips so that the head of the cock rubbed against Stella’s G-spot on every stroke. She swore as need rose inside her again, impossible stronger and more urgent than before, so intense she could only writhe and swear beneath Scully as she carried Stella swiftly toward a second orgasm. “Come for me,” Scully whispered, and Stella did. Her core ignited with release, pulsing through her with such an intensity, she almost thought she was having an out of body experience. A high, keening cry tore from her throat as wave after wave of pleasure rolled through her. It kept coming, she kept coming, as her body released all the tension she’d built up during their game. When she regained her senses, she was limp and shaky, her body covered in sweat, her pussy still tingling with aftershocks of pleasure. “Wow,” Scully whispered. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you come that hard.” Rather than answering, Stella pulled her in for a deep, drunken kiss. She wasn’t entirely sure she could form words just yet, let alone move, so she just lay there, panting for breath, as Scully climbed off the bed and went into the bathroom to clean their toy. She returned a few minutes later and tucked the dildo back into its drawer before sliding into bed, a pink cloth in her hands. She pressed it against Stella’s flushed face. The cloth was warm and damp, and it felt so good as Scully gently wiped the sweat from her skin. She worked her way down Stella’s body, washing away sweat and sex. When she’d finished, she tossed the cloth toward the bathroom and crawled in beside Stella, one arm thrown over her stomach. They lay like that for a while, both of them calm and sated. Scully’s fingers traced lazy patterns on Stella’s skin. “We’ll have a lovely honeymoon here in London when this is over,” she said softly without a trace of disappointment in her tone, true to her word. Stella looked down at the gold band on her finger. She tightened her arms protectively around Scully as teared pooled in her eyes. Despite their self-isolation, what if the virus managed to penetrate their home? What if something happened to Scully? Stella couldn’t bear the thought. Scully closed her eyes, resting peacefully in Stella’s arms. Was she daydreaming about their honeymoon? Stella tried to imagine it, but she found herself picturing Scully sipping champagne on the Eiffel Tower, eating pastries at a sidewalk café, spouting scientific details as Stella showed her magnificent stained glass in Saint Chappelle and Notre Dame, so much stained glass it would take her breath away. If they survived this—when they survived this—how could Stella possibly deny her the honeymoon of her dreams? How could she deny either of them that chance? She held Scully tightly, burying her face in the floral-scented depths of Scully’s hair. “But not as lovely as Paris.” Scully pulled back to give her a baffled look. “You were right,” Stella whispered. “We should go to Paris.” Scully beamed at her with a joy so pure, it warmed even the darkest, most fearful parts of Stella’s heart. “Really?” “Really.” She drew in a breath. “But it will be a while before we can go, Dana, and I don’t—” “I know.” Scully brought their lips together for a gentle kiss. “It took us twenty years to get married. However long we have to wait for our honeymoon, it will be worth it.” Stella nodded as a tear slipped over her cheek, knowing in her heart that it was true.

#fanfic #Two Worlds Collide #scullyxstella #stella and scully #scully/stella #Stella Gibson #Dana Scully #quarantine #quarantine fic

[breakingbadfics]

Death of the author

CW: Light discussion of politics, mentions of the Alt-Right, and White Supremacists. 

Consider this a “Change of Pace” entry. I’m trying to figure out what the next essay is to be about as well as the eventual long term for this blog. 

I wrote this essay back in mid 2019, long before the idea of this blog would come to mind, it’s been lightly edited prior to posting and added to. and I think this essay shows some of my influences much more heavily than my other writings.

What does My Little Pony and The Matrix have in common?  Death of the Author. 

Death of the Author is not to be confused with “Separating the Artist from the Art,” a self explanatory concept to distance a work from a creator who’s beliefs are more than a little unpleasant, easiest example is acknowledging that, yes,  H.P. Lovecraft was a Mega-racist, however, his contributions to the horror genre have created a base that is nearly ubiquitous with the genre to this day, like wise with Orson Scott Card. this concept in itself is an especially controversial subject, but is not the focus of this piece.

Death of the Author is what allowed The Matrix, a movie with a collection of metaphors about being an lgbt person, and an activist for the rights of yourself and your allies to be grossly misinterpreted as a way to justify being a bigot, the most egregious misinterpretation being that of “The Red Pill Scene.”

In the context of the film, The Red Pill Scene is the part of the traditional heroes story where the hero “accepts the call”, Neo is quite literally making the choice to leave the safe world he’s been living in behind and embark on his adventure that will result in a death and rebirth into being The One who will save humanity. In the now very much understood to be the direct metaphor, it’s a scene in which Neo, the stand-in for a lgbt person, specifically a trans person, is being told by a much older lgbt person “You are trans, you have the choice to embrace it, but regardless of what choice you make from here on out the road ahead is going to be bumpy and rough on you, because the system around you is designed to make sure people like us aren’t able to prosper, and if you join us, you won’t be able to opt out.” 

That is the very understood metaphor that most people accept with the modern understanding after The Wachowski’s came out as Lily and Lana in the “post-matrix trilogy” reality of the real world.

However due to the Moral Neutrality of Death of the Author in other circles the Red Pill(and all the other metaphors in the film) takes on an alternative meaning. And I can be “polite” in my explaing the bad take on how this scene plays out, but just to hammer the point home we’ll get dirty so you can know where the take is coming from, The Red Pill Scene for White supremeacists, and The alt-right (but I repeat myself) is such.  Neo, a disgruntled white person is being told that the world is controlled by soulless machines. Jews, people of color, etx. Everyone around him is mind controlled and can and will attempt to stop him from saving the people smart enough to also realise they’re being held captive by non-whites and save them all. This of course, all being told to him by Morpheus, a black man. So have fun working your head around that. 

This of course the most extreme example being the most ubiquitous, poke around on chan sites and sooner or later you’ll see the phrase “red pill” having been memetically adjusted to mean “hey tell me about this thing” or even more specifically “I already had an opinion about this but either way I want you to confirm my choice.” But I digress. 

These two interpretations are so wildly on the opposite ends of the spectrum that the only commonalities between them is “You will likely need to be violent at some point” 

I’m naturally only covering the two interpretations, the matrix itself has been picked apart by an untold number of people and people interpret it in as many ways as possible in terms of philosophical meaning. That is the nature of Death of The Author. 

Death of the Author also covers in a round-a-bout fashion, selective canon, a subjective acknowledgement of canon elements throughout a long lived franchise- see; Star Wars, Star Trek, the belief that there was never any sequels to The Matrix. This variant of the philosophy allows one to be able to continue interactions with a text, specifically a text that consists of multiple volumes (or contributions, each one made by an individual author) but also deny interactions with parts that they personally dislike. 

More often than not, you can attribute the death of the author to a bad take in a case of fiction, another primary example being Fight Club, often missed for the scathing critique of unhealthy male behaviour and propped up as some sort of moral guideline for how to live your life. Which is again, not to say this is the fault of Death of The Author as a philosophy, it is morally neutral, these bad takes can more often be attribued to the simple fact that unless directly stating it most attempts at satire or parody will have a contingent of people who agree with what is said, not what is meant, and death of the author unfortunately does make that..very easy, for good, or ill. 

Where does My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fit in with all this?  Well there are certainly alt-right members of the brony fandom who are painfully missing the point, but we’ve already dwelled on the negative enough, so let’s get happy. 

In Episode 1 of Season 1, the first part of a two part pilot, in the background of a shot during a party scene; a pony with a grey coat and blonde mane and tail is seen in the background. This particular pony stood out the most amongst other background characters due to a mistake caused by the animation staff. According to the supervising director at the time, this particular error was spotted after hasbro greenlit the episode for air, and because it amused him he chose not to order a correction so it was left in as a nice little easter egg. 

The nameless background pony would eventually be caught by 4chan among other places and very rapidly developed a following of fans and given a nickname, Derpy Hooves. This particular following and new nickname would echo back to shows staff becoming the name internally referred to by the show’s staff. 

Friendship is magic creator Lauren Faust, who also enjoyed the popularity of the character when asked in an interview would state that a character named Ditzy Doo existed in an unaired episode, that would be implied to be this particular background pony, So naturally now depending on the fan this particular character would be reffered to as either Derpy Hooves, or Ditzy Doo.  

Ditzy Doo would go on to become a recurring easter egg with in the show, something similar to that of “where’s waldo” but with horses. This practice would continue until episode 14 of season 2  where the character would have a set of spoken lines and would be addressed by name. This however resulted in a degree of controversy in which some people expressed concern that the presentation of the character was an offensive attempt at portraying people with mental or physical disabilities. This event resulted in the episode being altered in future airings and the character disappearing from the show for the vast majority of Season 3. Beyond Season 3 the character would continue to appear until season 5 where they would finally have a voiced role in the 100th episode of the show, and then eventually having another speaking role in the christmas special “The best gift ever.”  It is also worth noting that Hasbro never gave her an “official name” with almost all of Ditzy’s merchandise either having no name present, or more often than not a singular image of a muffin in place of a name, even going so far as to have “Muffins” be the credited name she was given in all voiced instances of the show. 

Muffins, Ditzy Doo, or Derpy Hooves isn’t the only case of background characters growing a large following of fans with in the show; a variety of characters have been swept up by the fans, given names and personalities built entirely out of bit gags. Lyra, Bon Bon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia Melody, and who knows how many more have all been seen in background moments which would be built on by fans and then echo back into the staff to be integrated into the show further. One would say this is fanon but at the end of the day, the writers and show staff had very little more intent with the characters beyond “does this background character look good?” and “Does this bit part character stand out enough to automatically be recognizable for the bit they need to be doing” it is still what I believe to be an example of Death of The Author, an act of choosing to ignore the intended meaning,and giving what amounts to window dressings a full life as fleshed out characters in fan content and in small instances of the show; an interpretation separate from the writers original intent. 

Now the question is does someone need to actively defy the author to participate in The Death There-of? No. I don’t believe so.  In much the same fashion no one need actually be a clan member to inadvertently say or do something that's passive aggressively racist(yes a bit of an extreme, I know) one need not actively defy the author, merely ascribe to an alternate interpretation of a work of fiction. Refer to Fight Club, the film does everything it can with out directly stating “most of the people in Fight Club and later Project Mayhem are bad people, because they were already doing the things Tyler Durden was ascribing to” and almost unilaterally all the bad takes are built around this idea that they’ve achieved the perfect ideal masculine because they’re the “living in the moment, violent psychopath” nihilist the movie is actively condemning. 

The simple fact is that death of the author ultimately, in a grand scale amounts to this; did a writers intent show through hard enough for their intent to be heard? And Subjectively, how much does a person believe in the meaning that they, or the writer themself have imparted into the story? 

#change of pace

[sparklyjojos]

CARNIVAL recaps [1/13] These will be full recaps of Carnival, the JDC book between Carnival Eve (recapped here) and Carnival Day (will be recapped as soon as this one is done). It's necessary to know the events of Cosmic, Joker and Carnival Eve before tackling this one. (The Saimon Family Case isn't ultra necessary, but it certainly helps.)

Carnival on its own has 26 episodes, each one spanning a week. They’re told completely out of chronological order. A note at the beginning encourages the reader to either experience them in this weird sequence (“the reader method”), or use the list provided to read them in chronological order (“the writer method”). The recap follows the reader’s way.

This and the next book are intentionally written to be VERY confusing and will constantly jump between places, times and characters. There are dates at the beginning of chapters, but they won't necessary mean a chapter happens exactly in that timeframe. There are tons and tons of characters. GOOD LUCK.

As for content warnings, there will be suicide, a lot of death and grieving in general, mental illness, a global virus pandemic, poorly handled Nazis, and also the author can’t write gay people.

Today’s recap: Christmas on Easter, S-detectives galore, broken gaydars, and the author letting you know early that he won’t hesitate to kill major characters.

--

[PART 1 — CARNIVAL ACT]

--

ONE

23 Nov 1996 — 29 Nov 1996

EASTER ISLAND

--

Now that it's been over three months since the Crime Olympics began on August 10th, the estimated death toll has reached over four hundred million.

Each Saturday a great tragic incident happens somewhere in the world at exactly 1 PM local time. A mysterious terrorist organization RISE announced that it’s the doing of the Billion Killer, an omnipotent being with no tangible form.

While the Billion Killer is fearsome, most of the deaths happen due to other causes. RISE’s “Invisible Soldiers” (IS for short) are stealthily killing people, and the global crime rate is on the rise. Some call it an Invisible War. There’s also a new disease called Alive [or Arrive? can be either word] spreading around and killing people in droves with its extremely low survival chance.

--

Christmas Mizuno has recently been staying on Easter Island. While there, he makes friends with a blind girl called Joyeeta, the daughter of the owner of the inn that Christmas is staying at.

Before he came here, Christmas had assisted Ryuuguu Jounosuke in investigating one of the Billion Killer’s cases in Peru. While they were there, Ryuuguu suddenly collapsed in fever brought on by the Alive disease, but had the extreme luck to recover after a short period of coma. But after he woke up, he seemed… different, and in an unusually brash way told Christmas to basically fuck off and try to find any clues on the Easter Island.

Christmas was confused by the sudden change in Ryuuguu, but at least glad about him surviving. So much has already been lost in the Crime Olympics. The JDC building’s explosion in August killed close to 300 out of 350 members of the organization. Christmas’s beloved Kasumi Fuyuka was dead, and they couldn’t even find Ajiro Souji’s body in the rubble.

--

When Christmas and Joyeeta are riding around the island, she suddenly says in her poor English that “a giant bird is falling”, and immediately afterwards they hear a rumbling sound and feel vibrations like that of an earthquake. Christmas assumes a plane has crashed and they speed up towards the beach.

It turns out the Moai statues have suddenly fallen over and killed a lot of tourists. Between the bodies lies the sixteenth skull of the Billion Killer; these are strangely glistening skulls made out of yet unidentified material, that so far are suspected to be symbolic “medals” of the Crime Olympics, one skull being left on each crime scene of the Billion Killer.

One of the dead tourists managed to draw a dying message in the sand: a simple image of a flying bird (?) and the letters NAS next to it.

When they return to town, they discover Joyeeta’s father had died around the same time the statues fell, stabbed with a yet unknown weapon in a pool full of other people. Christmas thinks a lot about how the impact of this one death is lost next to the more flashy Billion Killer case.

Joyeeta believes that “the bird” may have been brought here by her dead older sister Tierra as revenge, and that it killed their father. Tierra had been once attacked by a guest, pushed him in self-defense and accidentally killed him, which made the enraged father beat her and kick her out. Tierra was found dead on the beach later.

Despite being fed this entire sob story, Christmas already suspects that it was Joyeeta who killed her father, but leaves that be.

He can't guess the trick behind the Moai case. What did the bird and NAS mean? The Nazca bird drawing? Or maybe a NASA space shuttle crashed near the island? Unable to figure out much, Christmas eventually goes back to Peru to reunite with Ryuuguu and investigate the Nazca lines just in case.

After he leaves, we the readers learn that the blind girl named Joyeeta was the one who had died, and Tierra was just pretending to be her. After Joyeeta’s death, Tierra had found a dagger on the beach and prayed to the Moai asking for her father to die somehow. When she checked the beach later, the dagger wasn’t there—and now it seems like the Moai heard her wish.

--

Thinking again on how Joyeeta's father could have been killed, Christmas reasons out that he was stabbed when everyone’s attention was focused on the rumbling and noise. It’s like that saying about “the magician's left hand”—an illusionist distracts the audience with his right hand while really performing the trick with his left.

If something had enough force to topple the Moai statues, maybe it would also be able to fling a knife into the victim somehow. Or maybe Christmas is just rambling again, but hey, wandering around in confusion until he bumps into a solution is his reasoning method after all.

--

TWO

30 Nov 1996 — 06 Dec 1996

NAZCA LINES

--

When Christmas arrives in Peru a week after the Moai case, another weird incident has already happened: the terrain inside the eye of the Condor of the Nazca lines was burned in a pattern resembling a crop circle, yet another skull of the Billion Killer found in the center. There were no victims of the incident.

Christmas, Ryuuguu, Jouka (dressed completely in white which complements Ryuuguu’s black nicely) and the local guide investigate the scene.

Ryuuguu really changed after going through Alive. While he still has all his quirky mannerisms, he acts colder and Christmas gets the unsettling feeling that his usually friendly colleague now hates his guts. What’s more, Ryuuguu recently proposed to Jouka, which came completely out of the blue for someone seemingly as uninterested in relationships. Almost like he’s a whole other person.

Ryuuguu eventually leaves them to board a Cessna with the guide so they can examine the Nazca lines from above. Christmas talks with Jouka. She also noticed the change in their fellow detective, but accepts that nobody stays the same forever.

--

The Cessna crashes.

The guide survives for long enough to explain the accident. Something weird happened to the engine and made them crash. Up until the last moments Ryuuguu encouraged the guide to escape while staying calmly in his seat. His last words were:

“So this is fate… nothing can save you from it… Ryuuguu Jounosuke dies here...”

Detectives aren’t exempt from death. Four million people die every day in the Crime Olympics, Ryuuguu and the guide being just a tiny fraction of that number. Accidents happen. Christmas knows this, but the shocking news are still too much to handle. Jouka starts wearing black.

Christmas thinks that maybe it wasn’t a complete accident. Maybe Ryuuguu was aware of how much the disease changed him and gave up on life. It’s been confirmed that he showed up at the plane’s checkup that day, which someone with his talent for breaking machines would never do to avoid touching something important by accident.

Jouka believes it could have been murder, but can’t guess the details. She says cryptically that she’s certain that “Jounosuke died, but Ryuuguu is still alive”. Christmas desperately wants to believe this means there were TWO Ryuuguus present, one of them a disguised stranger. The real Ryuuguu caught on and sabotaged the engine, thus killing the imposter.

But no matter how hard they hope and investigate, they have to accept that the person who was at the checkup and who died in the crash was the same original Ryuuguu Jounosuke, and he will never come back again.

The only thing they may do is to turn away from the unchangeable past and focus on the future.

--

THREE

24 Aug 1996 — 30 Aug 1996

STONEHENGE

--

Hikimiya Yuuya was lucky enough not to be in the JDC building when it exploded, but it still had a giant emotional impact on him. So many people died, Ajiro Souji went missing, and some like Kirika Mai are still fighting for their life in the hospital.

The Billion Killer struck once again on August 24th, this time causing pieces of the famous Stonehenge to fall over and kill some tourists, the mandatory glistening skull found at the scene. On the same day a similar case happened in France: over a hundred people were killed when the famous Carnac Stones somehow fell on their heads, as if they had been teleported high into the air.

Hikimiya is staying at the Paris headquarters of the international detective organization DOLL, which occupies a large building complex surrounding the Place des Vosges. He’s tasked with assisting one of only seven S-rank detectives in the world. Seven may seem like very few, but it’s actually a lot; often there was just a single S-detective in existence for years, and having more than four at once was unheard of until the last few decades. In comparison, there are over five thousand registered A-detectives.

JDC isn't looking too good in the rankings. They do have two S-ranks (Ajiro and Juku) and one A-rank (Yaiba), but Kirika is C-rank, Jounosuke and Nemu are both D, and poor, poor Hikimiya never rose above an F.

The book gives us a handy list of S detectives, all of which will be highly relevant later. (In order: name — official DOLL title — less official DOLL nickname)

Zerofini Roi — Armchair Leader — Madame Alpha (from France)

Lemuria Sullivan — Knight in Night — Herr Omega (from Spain)

Desert Colosseum — Deus Ex Machina — Frau D (from Germany)

Ronely Queen — Whodunnit Magician — Mistress Queen (from USA)

Souji Ajiro — Philo Sphere — Mister Dick (from Japan)

Firannu Meiruneshia — Locked Empress — E-Mail (from Italy)

Juku Tsukumo — God of Detectives — Jukebox (from Japan)

[I still can’t believe it’s spelt Ronely Queen, and I have long given up on trying to find the correct way to romanize Meiruneshia's name. And I know that Ajiro’s nickname probably comes from “detective” just like Dick Gumshoe, but. MISTER DICK. Who’s responsible for this.]

A person chosen to be an S-detective stays listed as one until their death is confirmed. They will still be considered S-detectives even if they’re kicked out of DOLL (Lemuria Sullivan apparently was, but that's a story for another time).

Strangely enough, all of the S-detectives (aside from Lemuria) can speak fluid Japanese, the official explanation being that Firannu is a giant nerd interested in Japan and infected everyone with enthusiasm towards learning the language.

--

Hikimiya and Desert Colosseum / Frau D are both experts in data analysis. Their work room aside from the traditional shelves full of files also hosts a giant supercomputer, which is affectionately called Egg Mac because of its egg-shaped dome that the operator enters to access the interface.

Despite the nickname, Frau D is a guy. He’s a heavy corpulent man with a charming round face and a weird hairstyle that makes Hikimiya think of a plant (cut short in the back and sides, the rest grown into a slightly green tuft). He has a fastidiously kept thin moustache and skin that’s way too nice for a dude in his early thirties. He’s strangely fashionable too. Really likes chewing gum and popcorn.

Hikimiya has several problems with the man. One, Frau always calls him the equivalent of “boy”, which feels condescending, even though Hikimiya really is like a decade younger and pretty naive. Two, Frau loves stupid pranks like pretending he’s dead, and it’s hard to tell whether he says something seriously or in jest. Three, he changes the number lock to their work room all the time, so Hikimiya has to sit outside and painstakingly figure out the new code.

Frau states that Hikimiya is the one who should mature, learn how to keep cool, and examine the situation carefully instead of relying on preconceptions (and so falling for something like that death prank). He thinks Hikimiya may already be an E-rank detective, maybe even a D-rank, and Frau just wants to help polish his skills.

It’s true that Hikimiya now needs barely an hour to break the number lock instead of half a day… but it’s still insufferable.

--

Hikimiya also meets DOLL’s leader and the single best detective in the world, Madame Alpha. At first sight she seems to be a pretty normal friendly lady. She looks a lot like Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote and has that particular calming mom energy.

Hikimiya is a little awkward with introductions, which makes Frau poke fun at him, to which Madame just advises Hikimiya to never take anything Frau says too seriously. (“But I’m always serious~”, Frau responds.)

Madame states that she already found the culprit of the Carnac Stones case, talked with him, and he promised to go to the police station and turn himself in. (Frau criticizes her naivety, to which she responds like “it’s my case, I do what I want”.) But Madame already knows that it's not the case that Hikimiya wanted to ask about—rather, he wants to know if Ajiro Souji really died in the explosion. As expected from the greatest detective in the world, it's like she's reading his thoughts.

Madame’s unique and for now unexplained Zero Reasoning tells her that Ajiro Souji is still alive.

--

Later Hikimiya admits to Frau that he was surprised about Madame actually being a woman, considering that Frau is a man despite his nickname.

Frau explains that the nickname comes from the fact that in a way, he’s the actual Desert Colosseum's "wife" (Frau D = Frau Desert Colosseum). You see, Frau on his own is simply a talented A-detective. The one called Desert Colosseum is actually the advanced AI of the Egg Mac, and when Frau uses it for data analysis, together they reach the power equivalent to that of an S-rank detective.

--

FOUR

31 Aug 1996 — 06 Sept 1996

CAPPADOCIA

--

Hikimiya meets up in a cafe with two of his colleagues who have just arrived in France to investigate the Carnac Stones case (Madame found the culprit, but the trick itself has yet to be explained). It’s Tsukumo Nemu and Ryuuguu Jounosuke, who have been investigating as a great duo lately.

Jounosuke and Nemu had been lucky enough that they were leaving the JDC building at the time of the explosion, so they came out pretty much unscathed. Nemu still worries about Kirika, but Jounosuke as always is good at putting others at ease with his words. Perhaps it’s because he treats words and languages as dear friends, and always takes great care using them. ...but then he also has all those mannerisms like talking about himself in third person, or calling everyone with a gendered suffix -shi or -jou instead of the expected -san.

Jounosuke gets persuaded to try the local sweet apple tea instead of his usual coffee. The waiter still accidentally brings coffee, and Jounosuke even dumps a bunch of sugar into it on reflex before they have it taken back. Hikimiya says that the tea is already sweet and doesn't need sugar, but Jounosuke's sweet tooth is a hard enemy to defeat. They exchange friendly banter, then Jounosuke out of nowhere tells Hikimiya a riddle, and when surprised Hikimiya can’t find the right answer, Jounosuke triumphantly adds just a tiny amount of sugar into the tea, because hey, he won, he deserves it.

Hikimiya enjoys the stupid banter, but still can’t fully relax because of something that happened the previous day...

--

When he and Frau were at work yesterday, they got news about a new case, this one in Cappadocia. The Billion Killer had somehow managed to instantly burn down the entire rock monastery together with a movie crew, so that only the rock base and yet another skull remained. Frau asked Hikimiya to gather data about the place in the library.

Cappadocia is a quite popular and mysterious tourist spot. There are even wacky theories about the underground city having been an ancient nuclear shelter. Apparently, naturally formed ancient layers with glass have been found in many deserts, and some theorize they had been created by the heat of ancient nuclear explosions. Hikimiya thinks this ancient nuclear war theory is as interesting as it is depressing. Maybe humans really don’t change.

Hikimiya was pretty upset with his day and with Frau, but at least he was looking forward to meeting Nemu and Jounosuke again.

As expected from a detective said to know even tomorrow's news, Frau D already knew about his protégé's future meeting and asked if Nemu was Hikimiya’s girlfriend. When Hikimiya said she wasn't, Frau casually asked if Jounosuke was his boyfriend, then, because from what Frau could see, Hikimiya’s utterly happy expression probably meant he was about to meet with a loved one. Hikimiya sputtered and insisted they’re all just good friends. [Oh Hikimiya, if only you knew what your pixiv tag looks like...]

Frau was still looking at him seriously, so Hikimiya just tried to give him the data on Cappadocia that he had asked for. But Frau then stated he didn't need it, because he had already investigated the topic by himself in full—he just wanted Hikimiya to learn how to use sources instead of blindly accepting information from another person.

Hikimiya’s frustration with his own helplessness and the world hit a peak at this moment, and before he could blink, he was already rambling out completely irrational angry nonsense, like “then why are you keeping me here if I'm so useless, oh I get it, you’re gay and only chose me as an assistant from the DOLL database because of my looks rather than my skills”.

Hikimiya himself wasn’t sure where the hell this line came from. Maybe because he was often perceived as gay despite not swinging that way at all [here described as “being normal”, fuck off], so he was just subconsciously directing any self-doubt away from himself. Or maybe he was afraid of people targeting him for his body or something.

...and also because Frau had once taken him to a place widely known for its gay clientele. That happened too. [Hikimiya, honey, I'm sorry to say this, but if it took you this long to realize a guy who invited you to THE Club Banana Café on a go-go night was gay, then I question your detective skills.]

Frau was at first shocked at this outburst, but then calmed down and asked, “How did you know that I’m gay?” [What do you mean how, you literally took him to- you know what, let's just settle on both these guys being absolute dumbasses.]

--

...so even now when he’s with his friends in a cafeteria Hikimiya can’t fully relax, because he’s still dreading the possibility that oh god, what if the man he’s currently stuck working under really just wants him for his body? Frau told him not to worry, sexual harassment was not at all his thing and he wouldn’t force anyone into a relationship, BUT WHAT IF. [Are we really doing the predatory gay trope? Are we really? Sigh.]

Anyway… they talk about the Crime Olympics some more, and Hikimiya and Jounosuke continue to banter like brothers.

Suddenly there’s a commotion. The waiter that served the detectives’ table stumbles over towards Jounosuke and vomits blood before falling dead.

Jounosuke takes it upon himself to investigate the death. He talks to the chef to learn what happened, then comes back to his friends with a weird expression.

He discovered that the spoon in the sugar bowl at their table didn’t have any fingerprints on it. Of course neither Hikimiya nor Nemu used it (the sweet tea didn't need sugar) and Jounosuke as always had his gloves on, but it’s weird that other patrons who had been sitting there earlier didn’t leave fingerprints.

The only explanation is that any fingerprints were wiped away by the murderer while he was adding poison to the sugar. The waiter probably accidentally poisoned himself with the sweetened coffee he took back to the kitchen. The incident likely wasn’t even a murder attempt directed specifically at the detectives, but just another one of the thousands of everyday chaotic crimes of the Crime Olympics. Jounosuke was incredibly lucky to have used only a little bit of the sugar for his tea. Hikimiya unwittingly saved his life.

Jounosuke can't stop blaming himself for the waiter’s death. Hikimiya knows that this feeling of guilt is partially born from the memory of that time in Geneijo when he couldn’t protect Souya. Hikimiya wasn’t even there at the time, so he has no idea what to say to Jounosuke to cheer him up. Just like every day in the Crime Olympics, he’s just left cursing his own helplessness.

--

[>>>NEXT PART>>>]

#sparkly reads carnival #maijo and jdc stuff

[technicolordeams]

June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” -  Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD 

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten. 

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while. 

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it. 

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell. 

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky). 

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

#trauma #ptsd #depression #suicide #triggers #surgery #puppy