cryingrobin

[cryingrobin]

realizing someone fucked with your psyche is . so incredibly painful . if I had stuck around I would have never ever found happiness. I would rot. it's just. when I'm thinking abt this person some part of me wants to run back to them. say sorry to them (they are the ones who should be saying that). tell them im here to be their slave again. I need therapy. my first paycheck out of college will go to: paying for therapy, ceramics class, japanese class and rent.

#neurodivergent #toxic relationship

[cryingrobin]

i feel out of place. weird. in a good sense

i didnt take my meds yestarday (in order to study dont do that.) so all my feelings are raw and unscripted. saw a couple on the metro. cried. saw a family. cried. then i listened to chappel roan so naturally i cried again. happy tears.

im glad i stuck out to see world around me change. and im glad i didnt rush.

it turns out i can be adored. as me. i dont have to change. lose a 100 pounds. cut my hair. i can be just loved. cause i deserve to.

#wlw post #gay #autistic

[cryingrobin]

this post is for the demispec people (and for the demispec people who tried to fit in)

for those who don't know, demiromantic/demisexual mean that you only experience romantic/sexual attraction to someone after forming an emotional bond with them.

this is for the demi people who never understood the idea of celebrity crushes. (and for the demi people who picked a randomly celebrity to "like" to fit in.)

this is for the demi people who felt bad for not reciprocating feelings for a person who liked them. (and for the demi people who were known for "having high standards" for never dating anyone.)

this is for the demi people who always sat out spin the bottle or 7 minutes in heaven at parties. (and for the demi people who participated in those games to fit in.)

this is for the demi people who take years to develop feelings for someone. (and for the demi people who take even longer.)

this is for the demi people who worry about making friends because they fear eventually developing feelings for them. (and for the demi people who have or have had feelings for their friends.)

this is for the demi people who are told "everyone needs to know someone before liking them, you're not special" by society.

this is for the demi lesbians, the demi gays, the demi bi people, the demi pan people, the demi trans people, the demi enbies, and all demi people who use the demi label along with other sexualities and genders. (and for the demi people who don't, and are just demi.)

if you are demiromantic, demisexual, or both, you are valid.

[Image ID: The demisexual and demiromantic flags, respectively. /.End ID]

[cryingrobin]

falling in love (again) - being demiromantic and demisexual

recently conan gray said he was glad he fell in love (regardless of how it ended) cause he thought he has incapable of it. that captures my feelings so accurately.

it came to a point in my life where I thought I will never have romantic feelings for someone (again). 3 years have passed since the last time. I looked at many faces, tried to form connections but it was always forced. even though i knew I needed to form a friendship first and then feelings will follow, I rejected the idea of being vulnerable.

I ended two friendships recently. and after I did that I had let go of massive weight. I have finally seen that is had been wearing me down in various aspects of my life.

I didn't think about it but as I am writing this post I see that I had to fulfill my emotional needs (let go of relationships where I was giving 99%) to move forward in other areas.

I don't know if the crush I have will go past a crush - in a sense the other person will want a romantic partner-partner relationship. I kinda feel that this can be THE moment in my life where we both feel the same. But even if it isnt. I'm grateful to experience romance again. Maybe I have grasped flirting now. I dont know. Valentine's day is in two days and I may have been preparing a card. But also.

This time the person made a first move. I felt like a princess even though it was a small thing in a grand scheme of things. But it made me smile and have butterflies in my stomach. So it counts :)<3

#demiromantic #demisexual #autistic women #autistic adult #neurodivergent #im lovable #conan gray #conffesion #valentine's day #autistic things #autism

[cryingrobin]

I feel like a chore to you, something you have to put effort into but really don't want to, an obligation

[cryingrobin]

burn

#poetry #female rage #feminine rage #rage #strangers to friends #friends to lovers #to stargers again #dark moodboard #in the kitchen

[cryingrobin]

capitalism begins when we look down on others

[cryingrobin]

people watching

how did he cope. how. im seeing him again an again happy. content. just how.

and im seeing her. she has. everything. how did she move from. from something im not typing here. im just jealous. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair.

i just want to be loved. i dont think it's coming. i'm crying about it everyday.

all of my closer and further friends are in relationships. and im here. stuck. they are all miles away from me. and im miles behind me. without experiences. feeling loved. what did i do wrong. why am i so so cursed. what did i do. i hate myself and the fact that noone likes my makes my hate myself even more.

hearing 'your time will come' is an equivalent of getting stabbed. 'you have to wait'. you're cutting my veins. stop. stop. stop.

'i cant imagine you in a relationship'. oh. so you're seeing me as unlovable. stop cutting me. stop.

#people watching #no romantic relationships #unlovable #neurodivergent

[cryingrobin]

privilege

i was walking home one day and it struck me how im living a life a 10 year old me would do everything for. im living in my dream city. i have a scolarship which pays for most of my needs. i was walking with an iced matcha, in a cool outfit. wow. i might have an incurable mental illness but c'mon. despite it ive managed to do a lot.

[cryingrobin]

all I ever wanted was everything

[cryingrobin]

moving on, along and over

why am i even telling you this? well as i said it's more abt the situation and maybe i could have just told you that i knew a person a and a person b maybe even a person c. and i didnt even know those ppl personally or maybe i did or maybe it's all made up [it isn't]

it was a few years ago a solid 10 years ago. and a person A was with a person B. but the whole thing is nobody new that besides a few ppl in the closest circle. and yeah they were together and in love well it was more of a person B loving A and not so much the other way, person A just needed love and person B was there for them always. they broke up. but they did have to work with each other well sometimes today they even do. so my source person one day told me this story. it is even a story in a story how i met them. i might (i will) tell you abt it one day.

and person B still loved person A for a long time. as my source person told me it was really painful to look at them. it was like a dagger through your heart over and over. and for me at that time and my understanding, it was over for person B. it was a pain they would live with for forever. and it might just seem as a silly story for you cause these things happen over and over but. person B was in pain so so much but they still understood the importance of being a friend first even before the whole relationship. and they stayed.

well person B got a rebound. well it's not fair to call them a rebound from a 2023 perspective but those years ago they were a rebound. that's how we perceived it.

i forgot abt all of this up until yesterday. cause i saw the person b happily in love with that rebound. and. i thought if they went through sth so painful and drenching and they still found peace. theres a light in this world. maybe we can all turn around okay.

and yeah im telling you this cause seeing person B happy and so so cheerful brought me back to life a little. and yeah stories like that happen a lot as i said but it doesnt happen a lot when a person B was at the verge of ending everything and when your source person tells you how they cried and it was the worst thing they saw [one-sided person B loving A].

you may not even see a point and why i told you this i just needed to. cause i just started to learning to move on.

#love #moving on #break up #you will be okay

[cryingrobin]

being ghosted

in one of my first posts i went on a rant how a person i used to consider as my best friend slowly stopped being my best friend. and I used to be furious, extremely sad and angry about it. and i couldn't understand how a person that told you so many things and was beside you no matter what could behave like that.

it takes me a long time to consider someone a best friend, well first there is a time requirement of minimum two years and then I have to be completely comfortable to say to you everything I have on my mind.

notice how I used 'used to' in the first paragraph. well. last week i muted them all over my socials. and then I noticed how I just don't care if they tweet or post a photo or whatever. I even started avoiding the last social I didn't mute them on.

I'm free of this guilt of being ghosted. I don't care what they do. They texted me once and I was like. I don't care. I used to get my hopes up when they texted cause 'maybe now I'll resurrect our relationship'. but I didn't feel that last time. I'm truly free.

[cryingrobin]

I guess I thought I was okay. But then I took a bus to my university's campus and went into a dining hall. And at that point I felt something come into me. I truly hate myself cause each time I think I have bipolar under control it just comes crashing into me. All I want to do is cry, go to sleep and be hugged. However I have to go to my stupid lab and pretend I'm okay. And talk to ppl and pretend Im okay. And seem talkative and friendly but I'm not okay

[cryingrobin]

it's so weird to listen to the same song I would listen to on my way back home from high school but I'm older know and I've been through so much since those moments

#music

[cryingrobin]

why 'love yourself before you love somebody else' is the worst advice i have ever heard

i wouldn't even call it advice. it's a statement. and as an autistic plus size person constantly struggling with mental health, ed and my low self-esteem it's one of many statements that shakes me to my core. do you mean I'm not deserving of love? because I don't love myself? so what? I'm supposed to suffer alone for the rest of my life?

I see my worth in my work and I'm sure of everything I do in academics. I'm a go-getter in everything besides love. If I want something I just go for it. And lately I've been thinking why I'm so afraid of beginning confident in love.

I know that they are probably ppl out there who are really into my body or my personality. But. I just don't believe someone would choose me voluntary when there are so many options out there.

I want to experience planning a life together and being each other's favorite ppl. I don't know how to find that person. And. Everyone seems so experienced at 21. I'm afraid telling someone 'yeah I'm a virgin and I only kissed two ppl in my life' is putting me behind. Like they would laugh at me. And I hate dating apps and I hate that awkward phase when we are getting to know each other and I can't be 100% myself and I struggle to make coherent sentences cause I'm shy.

Yeah I'm gonna say it. I don't think ppl my type would be with a person like me. As I said I'm a plus sized, autistic, awkward at first, hot only if I put on make-up person. And yeah I know there's a stereotype of a skinny white gamer boy who's conventionally attractive being with a big person like me but. Lately ive been talking to boys any boys really and when they ignored me at first I went in my head to some other statement I've heard which is 'men will ignore you if they don't find you attractive' and yeah it's not right to label them as fuck machines only existing out there to be in a relationship but. I'm the worst as I said.

#neurodivergent #autism #autistic women #bad at feelings #bad at love #unlovable

[cryingrobin]

what if I'm truly unlovable and unfuckable. what if I'm the monster that nobody wants. all my friends seem to be always in a relationship or taking to someone or someone has a crush on them. and im. just a piece of trash.

#unlovable

[cryingrobin]

Experiencing neurotypical girl friendships

It was always hard for me to experience friendship with neurotypical girls. Everytime I sort of befriended one I had the same questions. Why does she like me? What does she want from me? Did she adopt me into her group cause I have some sort of pretty privilege? I've made a friend recently (a true friend not a fake one, it's so hard for me to have friendships that are fake or based on the idea that we're in a class together and we're both girls so let's form a friendship) and I caught myself thinking - what does she want from me? And then I had to stop myself. She wants to be my friend. It doesn't have to be based on a idea that she wants something from me.

For the first time I experienced being a part of a girl group that accepts me even though I'm new to them. They included me in a conversation!! And asked questions. It was so nice.

In my dorms there's this other girl and. She wanted to lend me her nail polish when I complimented it or said my rings are cute.

Its so new to me - being treated as a girl by neurotypical girls. Cause my middle school, high school years were hard. And yes I'm so so thankful for the friends I made BUT being treated as a girl by neurotypical girls made me whole. My whole life I was treated as some sort of second category, not enough for that secret club. And now. I'm whole.

#neurodivergencies #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurotypical #autism #autistic problems #autistic adult #late diagnosed autistic #autistic women