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dianalolihikki · 6 hours

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Hey!💜🩷

Today can mostly be considered one of the successful days. Except that I still have this weird fear of writing. I keep wondering if I'm tired of writing a blog

Well, but enough of the negative thoughts!

Let's start with yesterday's issue, which is about the new photo featuring A and J

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As I said yesterday they were visited by a friend who still knew them from a previous job,yes from the camps where I met A and J.

In fact, he was sort of their second employer. He was the second-in-command of the camps. I can confidently say that without him these camps would have collapsed even faster. A and J were sincere friends with him. You could say that it was quite a strong friendship. They even spent Easter together, they have a joint account on Netflix,or at least they had, when it was still possible to have one. A. said that if he didn't have a family he would move in with them.

From what I saw on Facebook,they keep seeing each other even after they leave the camps.

A year ago,when I came back from my grandmother from the vacation I talked about in one of the previous posts I noticed their new photo together on Facebook. And it was a photo taken at the camp, meaning they had visited the former workplace. For a moment I hoped that they were returning to their former job. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one because in the comments someone asked about it. Unfortunatelyà J buried my (our ) hopes.

Although maybe he wanted to convince them to return?

I wonder if there was a camp going on at the time? I wonder if they saw any patients ? I wonder if they hugged them ?

There are certainly patients who miss them. Often under J or A's posts about physiotherapy, I see comments assuring me that the camp's patients miss A and J . I wonder how they feel about this? Are they feeling guilty for changing jobs? Do they feel embarrassed?

Yesterday I saw a new photo posted by this friend of A and J.

This time the meeting took place in the city where the current A and J live.

Everyone was dressed quite elegantly. Including J.

This surprised me,because J hates to dress elegantly when he doesn't have to. His ex-wife required him to dress that way,and the dumbass agreed. Could it be that A doesn't fully accept him at all, after all? No,these are silly thoughts caused by jealousy.

I wonder if this friend of theirs persuaded them to return to the camps? If so it would be wonderful if they agreed. They would work much less than they do now,and recently they have been complaining about being overworked. However, they probably don't want to leave the new boss, because they practically created this physiotherapy office with her. So they probably won't leave her. Or maybe? I wonder what's going on there.

Yesterday I was still sure that they were ignoring me, you know,the whole thing with irregular contact and misunderstanding me about the vacation in Albania.

That's why yesterday even though the photo has nothing to do with me it felt like a kick in my side. I felt that they hated me. I don't know for what reason. I guess it was just that I felt spurned in general.

Today I got over it, but more on that later. We'll definitely come back to the topic of A and J again.

One thing is certain, or almost certain: They have returned from Albania. ⭐🎀

I'd like to ask how the vacation was, but I'll wait with that.🦄

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Today the therapy with K was very enjoyable and it's not just the exercises that were good.

K definitely opened up to me. What I took for keeping a professional distance was plain shyness. Today he admitted he even keeps in touch with his former patients, that they text each other.

Today, although we were still chatting during the exercises about physiotherapy,but there was much more warmth and casualness in it. K said that the relationship with the patient is important. He said that attitude is the most important thing in the job of a physiotherapist. He added that he works in this profession,because it is his passion.

I also learned more about his private life - he has two older sisters,one lives quite far away and he is looking forward to seeing her during the long May weekend.

He admitted that he only reads books that will bring something to his life, namely those about psychology and physiotherapy. His hobbies include running and the gym. Until recently, he played soccer as a hobby, but a month ago he twisted his ankle and had to take a hiatus for now.

Well, and there is something that K and I have in common. We are both not fond of watching movies and TV series. I'll still occasionally watch something when it interests me, especially if it's a Japanese series or with a teacherxstudent theme. I don't know how it is with K.

In June, K will be looking for new employees for his company, which provides state physiotherapy.

K has said he doesn't know which field of physiotherapy he wants to pursue anymore.

Could it be that therapy with me and our conversations about neurology have changed his attitude? Or do I think too highly of myself?

One thing is for sure - K is enjoying the vision of the upcoming long weekend.

This means that I will see him only on Monday

I'm sure it will be fun, maybe someday we will become friends?⭐🎀

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Today the therapy with B looked different than usual, but that doesn't mean worse, maybe quite the opposite!⭐

Together with B and my mom, we went to my grandmother. My mother promised my grandmother that she would help her plant potatoes. B and I were supposed to walk around the yard, enjoying the beautiful weather.

At first we did, but soon we sat on a blanket laid out for us in a grassland near the field.

Compared to my grandmother's village, my village is almost a city.

At grandma's you can see the wildlife.

Me and B sat among beautiful yellow flowers ( I don't know how to translate their name into English). We were just not close to the flowers, as we were sitting in the shade of a large willow tree.

B wanted to help her mother with the potatoes, but there were not enough suitable tools for her.

So the two of us stayed on the blanket. At first we talked mostly about K,about how he opened up from me today. K asked me if he has a girlfriend. I replied that I didn't want to ask him that, at least not so soon. B mentioned again that she doesn't have a ring.

This gave me confidence that she still liked him, especially since he wasn't late today, so he practically didn't take up her therapy time.

B created a flower crown from the flowers growing next to us!🌼

We each took a photo shoot in a flower crown and it was accompanied by a lot of laughter, especially when I showed B how to take a selfie with the rear camera,since the front camera on the phone practically doesn't work.

We also stated that one of my photos in the flower crown would be my profile picture on Facebook. I will come back to this topic.

I didn't write that E finally wrote me back and said that the exercises with K according to her are great. I didn't expect such a reaction from her.

B and I made a bet about how tomorrow's exercises with E would go.

According to me, E won't want to go anywhere tomorrow,because she will probably want to test new methods.

According to B, E will want to go out for some shopping before the May weekend.

The loser buys chocolate, for the one who will be right.

So, that's how a fun day passed.🩷

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When I got home I put a profile picture with a flower crown on Facebook.

However, now I see I think B and I chose a different photo. I won't change it for now.

However, do you know what the most important thing is? A. under this photo gave me a heart! I just squealed with joy!🩷

It means that she likes me, that I do not ignore me! I guess I was taking that vacation in Albania too much to myself. Just because you don't inform your friends you're going on vacation doesn't prove anything!🩷 Especially since it could have been a birthday surprise for A!

Now I see how attitude can change the course of thinking!🩷

Today I was chatting with a guy, intelligent,but it was clear that he only cares about sex.

When he asked how old I looked he said my age. Somehow unconsciously I didn't believe him. He probably thought that would be the best answer.

On the contrary!

However, I don't believe him, because everyone who knows me says that I look younger than I am, and quite a lot younger!🩷

If I had a worse day I would probably believe him, but not today.

Just to be sure, I put a picture on the question portal,where I put pictures when I want to know how old I look.

Most said 13-14, even if some wavered between that and adult age

But today I didn't care about that.🩷

I'll probably post the photo again tomorrow to get some more opinions.

And the aforementioned guy probably freaked out on me when I confessed that I still feel like I'm 11-13 years old, even though he fought for contact himself earlier.⭐

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I end for today, tomorrow I have to get up earlier,because I start my therapy with E an hour earlier than usual.

And now I have a small stick of caramel-flavored white chocolate and a glass of cola waiting for me.🩷

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy #village #nature #flower crown #great day #long post

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dianalolihikki · 1 day

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Hey!💜🩷

Today something is blocking me from writing again and I totally don't know what,because I have at least one issue I want to discuss today.

I don't know where this feeling comes from.

Is it stress?

Or maybe I'm bored because I feel forced?

On the other hand, I love having a consistent routine for the day.

So what is it all about in the end?

The fact that I need a diary is clear as day.

After all, I constantly, for years, posted about my problems on Reddit,on forums. I think I was quite rightly taken for a troll there,because although I described my life it was often from the perspective of other people. Often with names or ages changed. In the end, even my web novels were more my diaries than anything else.

So I need a diary. Greatly, in fact.

Someone just gave me a Facebook like under an old post in a particular group. That post is probably a good six years old

I also used to make my diaries from such Facebook groups,which in retrospect I consider extreme stupidity, because I signed my own name. I also got a lot of hate speech. I still don't understand for what. While on the forums I may indeed have seemed like a troll,on the groups I posted fairly safe posts. Well, and of course, I didn't bring up the subject of J. But I still got a mass of negative comments laughing at me.

Nevertheless, I was still drawn to share myself on the Internet and it was like an addiction.

I guess I wanted people to give me advice.

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I'm worried about my mother. Today she drank a little again. Maybe not as much as yesterday, but still.

The TV is off in Mom's room, but even through the door of my room, I can see that the kitchen light is on.

Could it be that Mom is sitting right at the entrance to the basement, talking to her lover on the phone?

I just hope she didn't fall into the basement, because I can't help her.

On the other hand, I didn't hear any sounds to suggest falling down.

I hope nothing happened and they just talk for a long time,as usual.

I think the stress will eat me alive.

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Today, as usual, before leaving the toilet I wanted to look at myself in the mirror. Well, maybe not always, but often. I am often disturbed by various things standing on the shelf near the mirror, because I am quite short,I am less than 150 cm tall.

When my mother came to get me to the toilet,she helped me stand up so that I could see myself in the mirror. She immediately said that my face looked like a potato. After a while she seemingly corrected herself and completed my appearance. However, she then said that she didn't want to compliment me too much so that I wouldn't grow wings.

Why does she care about my low self-esteem? Maybe she believes that modesty and giving way to others is the best option and the best attitude in life.

I think all is well with my mother, because every now and then I hear her footsteps, and now even the door being closed.

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I don't know why I left this issue as the last one since it bothers me the most

I saw a picture on Facebook today of A and J. It was posted by a friend of theirs back in the days of the camps I went to.

In fact, he was something like their employer zbi was the deputy head of the camp. I can confidently say.

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Okay, I'm done for today,because every now and then I get distracted by something, and that's not what this is about.

I will finish the topic of the photo tomorrow.

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #teacher crush

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dianalolihikki · 2 days

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Hey!💜🩷

Today is Saturday and it's one of the worst ones because mother is heavily drunk. Father, too, by the way. Unfortunately, both of them are in a quarrelsome mood, which makes it too hard for me to enjoy writing today's post. Apparently, now mother has gone somewhere, probably chatting on the phone with her lover in another part of the house. She probably purposely turned off the lights so that my father wouldn't wake up. Once he wakes up, however, he always goes to my mother and argues with her. An hour ago, this was also the case. I guess in revenge my mother started picking on him for coming into my room without permission.

Now I'm afraid that my father will wake up again and go after my mother. I'm afraid it will end in some big argument with physical violence. Admittedly, physical violence rarely happens between them, most recently last June.

Nevertheless, I am always watchful. There is a great amount of stress in me now, I keep glancing at the door of the room. Probably like always I will turn off the music for a while to hear a potential argument.

A light has just come on in the toilet.

I hope it's just mom.

There's a good chance of that,because I didn't hear the sound of the heavy door of his room opening.

Although now I think it was him,because he turned on the light in the living room which is also mom's room.

Fortunately, there are no brawls, at least I don't hear them. Well, but I also have music on my headphones.

I hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE weekends with all my heart. I don't understand how people can love them.

I mean, I kind of understand it coldly, without emotion - most parents don't fuck up their children's childhood and on weekends they do normal things relax or just do nothing it's always better than drunkenness or alcohol

What I say. After all, alcohol and drunkenness are exactly the same thing.

People are surprised that I hate alcohol. I can still understand when they are people who do not know my family history. On the other hand, I don't understand when my own brothers don't understand my aversion to alcohol - after all, they grew up with the same parents as me.

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I don't want to write anymore today - I've been screwing myself hard lately about last year's school shooting in Serbia and I keep reading about it

Things seem to have calmed down at my house for the moment, too.

Today nothing was happening. I was practically online all day, mostly in the chat room

Well, and I have a chocolate egg to eat xD

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #adult children of alcoholics #alcoholism #happy house #school shooters

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dianalolihikki · 3 days

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Hey!💜🩷

Today I have the strength and desire to write a post again, so maybe it was a one-day writing crisis,if you can talk about a writing crisis when you write a diary on Tumblr xD

Here it is not necessary to write long posts. On the contrary, I feel that long posts like mine are definitely less read. Seemingly uncool, but on the other hand it provides me with more anonymity, so there is also less chance that someone from my social circle will end up here, so another advantage xD

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Today I'll start with what I was supposed to describe yesterday, but I was too lazy for that xD

Now, at least in my country it is Friday evening, which is the beginning of my most disliked days - the weekend.

Today, however, I'm in such a good mood that I think I'll get through it somehow, my mother is not so drunk yet, maybe she hasn't even been drinking at all. After all, tomorrow her new car will appear in our yard, so she will probably want to test it xD it will be a blue Alfa Romeo ⭐.

Back on topic,today I'm in such a good mood that I think I'll make it. But the worst will be the long May weekend, which in my country will last from the first to the sixth of May.

Do I write about negative things even in a good mood? I must be terribly toxic.

Nevertheless, the plan is that perhaps for the long weekend we will go with my mother to my once mentioned here aunt. Generally with my sensory hypersensitivity I don't know if I'll swallow anything there, but I broke through once,so maybe I'll be able to do it a second time.

A year ago when I was with my mother at my grandmother's house I broke through and ate dinner. It was bought with a huge brawl on my part which I am ashamed of, but somehow I managed. ⭐

My grandmother has been a Jehovah's Witness for several years. Every year she goes in the summer for a week-long convention,I think it's called a congress. My mother and I always go to her place then,in this wilderness with no internet and no showers. I then have the opportunity to overcome my sensory disorder which usually does not work out xD

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Now I try so hard to write about the positives that only negative things come to my mind,and I promised myself that I would write honestly and if I had a worse day I would already panic that I am not honest xD

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I'm surprised at myself that I have so much energy in me, since I was sitting with my phone in my hand until 1 a.m. and when I tried to go to sleep it was a combination of the full moon, emotions from the whole day, intrusive thoughts and a ghost stories that didn't let me sleep.

Intrusive thoughts are quite common in people born prematurely. And when my brain is at its limit it's even more so.

Today I was worried about whether I already want to be no longer childish, girly and want to be feminine and mature. It seems like nothing, but for me these first qualities are the definition of me, my aesthetics, and I don't want to lose it. Well, but as I said,it's probably just my intrusive thoughts that did not let me sleep. I don't even know what exactly made me have them,probably fatigue.

I set my alarm clock for nine in the morning,because I wanted to be ready for K's visit.

K was supposed to arrive to sign a declaration that I had state physiotherapy in April.

Immediately after breakfast I went out on the terrace with my phone. I decided to myself that I would leave the reading for even warmer days.

Then he texted me that I would, however, sign this declaration during our Monday therapy. And that's a very fine decision. Later, B and I came to the conclusion that it was simply not worth it for him to come to me in the countryside, so many kilometers just to get a few signatures.

Today my mother told me that maybe it's just that K has a girlfriend who might be jealous and therefore doesn't want her beloved to have other girls in his Facebook friends.

If this is the case then I sincerely feel sorry for him having such a toxic relationship. Anyway, I'm not even some girl,just his patient.

Although it seems to me more that K wants to keep a professional distance.

Yet this excessive jealousy reminded me not only of my younger brother's girlfriend, but also of A.

After all, at our last therapy she admitted that she is jealous of every female patient around J, even a patient who is three years old. She knows this is unhealthy and wants to control it.

On the one hand, it surprised me, because she herself used to encourage me in joking to hug J, but if it was already happening in front of her eyes she was strangely silent at that moment.

Once out of the corner of my eye I even noticed that right after the therapy at which he hugged me he hugged her, as if he was apologizing to her for something. Or maybe it seemed that way to me? But her words were evidence of something else.

Could it be that she wants to convey to me with this last conversation that she is jealous of me? It fits with her self-doubt.

On the other hand, after all, she herself knows very well that I am a neurodivergent (she is, too, by the way) and she knows that it is necessary to speak directly to me. But maybe her complexes won out over her sanity?

Or maybe she never genuinely liked me?

Or it's like D. said, she just trusted me enough to say it,and if she was jealous of me it was independently of her, and at the same time she liked me.

I would also add that I think even I sensed that she might not like my hugging J.

When they took me to their place,I somehow instinctively stayed away from J in the physical sense, I also tried not to stare at him and not to spend too much time with him during these meetings. I even was successful, although when these meetings took place at the exact camps where I didn't have therapy with J ( and these happened)I wasn't going to keep my emotional distance. He even told me once that my pupils widened when I looked at him. He said it was ok, but what if he meant something else? If it was a warning not to do it?

Because I doubt he would flirt with me, whether in the presence of his girlfriend or in general.

Or maybe? What if he did?

I think I'm crazy.

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Who is D? He is an online friend of mine, we met on an Internet chat room. I often tell him my life with details,and he doesn't expect anything from me in return.

Although sometimes I wonder if he is hitting on me. It is quite possible, although he remains a faithful companion.

Today I told him about the therapy with K. He stated that I don't need to be friends with K because I have him (xD)

Then I told him about A and J's vacation in Albania

He asked if they were sending me pictures.

I admitted that no, that I found out about everything from Facebook and Instagram.

Even D, the guy who claims that A and J adore me, said that this reflects poorly on their affection for me

I replied him back that I always knew that I liked them more than they liked me.

To this he that maybe it's just not as bad as I think.

I hope so too

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Today I went for a walk with B.

Let me start by saying that she brought me lilac again which smells in my room.💜

The walk passed quite nicely, without any distractions, despite the fact that we were accompanied by my doggie.`🦮

At the end of the day, a delicious apple pie was waiting for me.

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I am ending for today,because I feel tired,besides it is already late.

As a reward for writing so long, I will eat a Kinder chocolate and drink an soda.🩷

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dianalolihikki · 4 days

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Hey!💜🩷

I wonder if I will focus on writting a post today. First of all I don't feel like it,secondly I don't have anything to write about and thirdly my brother and his girlfriend are staying with us, so every now and then something happens and there is some kind of mess in the house.

Even now there's something going on, but they're not fighting, more fooling around.

I just hope they don't piss off the father, although he seems a bit more sober than yesterday. I hope these are not just my fond hopes.

I talked myself out here yesterday and it worked well for me. I think it even did me a lot of good. It feels very good that I have this blog and very useful that I am honest in writing here.

Thank you for being, blog.~🩷⭐

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However, the brother and his girlfriend went to her place for the night. However, before they went they felt some pus on them. No such thing happened. It's just that our cat had some kind of bubble ma tail that burst. Our cat, C-kun is doing well,his tail is already bandaged.🐱

I unnecessarily ate chips in bed, now I have crumbs.~.

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Tomorrow K will be at my place,but only to sign the documents proving that I had state physiotherapy this month. Although today he texted that I might be signing it on Monday, with therapy. All in all, that would be the easiest option .

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I told N in a brief way about the therapy with K. She said it was good that she keeps his distance. I described my whole relationship with K to her in a longer message. I wonder what she will reply.

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Therapy with B went fairly well. Except for the fact that I felt like I was going to get the flu.

Well, and my peeing problems returned. According to the nice gynecologist I have some not very dangerous bacteria in there,but I think from all the stress about my father in the last few days my spastic muscle tension may have increased,that's why it's worse again.

B went into a messenger link supposedly from U but I immediately saw that it was a virus, unfortunately she clicked on the link first and then I saw this message.

B is naive though.

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I don't want to write anymore today, on the one hand I don't want to force myself to do anything and on the other hand I don't want to get lazy in writing.

It's kind of sad that I don't have that urge to write on better days.

The most important thing is the cola! 🥤🩷

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy

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dianalolihikki · 5 days

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Hey!💜

Forgive me for not being around yesterday. Unfortunately I didn't have internet. Or rather, I had, except that it was in low speed.

Today my brother called our internet provider and it turned out that I didn't pay as much as two payments! (Because I am the one who pays for the internet from my disability benefits). I paid the April payment for internet on time, but apparently I had some unpaid payments before that.

Unfortunately, our Internet provider does not notify me either by phone or text message about overdue payments which I consider a very big minus.

Now I'm afraid I'll lose the habit of posting every day if I've had a day off,and I really don't want to, and I hope I'm panicking,just like when I thought I wouldn't post anything here honestly anymore which turned out to be unnecessary panic, although in a way I'm still afraid of it. May it still be just panic.

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My father is still very drunk. When he's drunk he has this stupid habit of wanting to occupy as much of B's time as possible. Yesterday it was the same.

He spoke so loudly that I could hear even through the closed door of my room,even though the conversation was supposed to be private.

My father complained that my younger brother wanted to kill him,all for my father's property,which is our house. He put things in my younger brother's mouth that he didn't say, supposedly that he wanted to take over the house. Yet the younger brother himself says that he does not want the house. The father also misrepresented the role of the younger brother's girlfriend in all this.

B is an assistant for people with disabilities. So (at least in my country) she is a social worker by that title. My father hoped that she would report it somewhere.

He can't do it himself,because mom took away his phone a few months ago, because he kept calling the police or the emergency room after he got drunk.

B, fortunately, is not a stupid person, as she has no intention of taking him seriously, and, of course, she told me about everything right after she came back to my room.

I guess my father sensed that B could tell me everything because he peeked in on us for a short period of time.

Sometimes I think my father envies me that I have so many people around me because of my disability. Recently he said that he also wants to have state physiotherapy. The only thing is that to get it you have to have a certificate of severe disability and inability to live independently. My father won't get it simply because he had cancer (actually, he still has it,only it's inactive) and orthopedic problems with his knees. Mother tried to explain it to him, but without success

I am simply sorry that my father envies me and does not support me in all this.

Fortunately, B and I laughed a little at him.

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As for today, my brother arrived this morning. Of course, they argued with my father,but only verbally already.

Even before K came, together with my mother and brother we sat in my room. Mom was browsing the local supermarket's apps on her phone and later also mine in search of interesting promotions. When she asked me if I wanted to buy a certain thing,I answered something like "as you prefer" because I was actually indifferent.

My brother got annoyed with me. He said that even his girlfriend is fed up with my indecisiveness. She supposedly added that if I refuse a certain thing then I shouldn't get it.

Only if I actually don't want something and am actually indifferent to it, what should I answer?

I also have to admit that I am a little disappointed with my brother's girlfriend. I always thought she is nice. She never told me directly that she had a problem with me, on the opposite. She often comes to my room to talk to me, often helps me get to the toilet, sometimes even brings me some food. It never occurred to me that she might not like something in my behavior. In the way I knew that she didn't like certain things about me, but that was before my relationship with her became friendlier. Don't get me wrong. I know that we won't be friends,because I never even had the intention to be, even though she is really alright.

However, I didn't sense that something about me irritated her. However, I am not good when it comes to social situations or reading between the lines.

Nevertheless, I still feel bad.

She cited as an example that on that unlucky Monday in which the incident occurred. Before arriving, they called me and firstly asked if they should buy my father a beer with my money and secondly if I wanted something from McDonald's. I replied that I didn't. Then the brother said we would be eating Korean ramen, namely buldak, after all. I could still hear her in the background asking me to think about whether I wanted something from McDonald's. Her tone of voice was pleasant, so I was surprised by her attitude.

Why is she nice to me and only to my brother does she say what she thinks?

And why are people often like this?

Because of people like her, I aka a neurodiverse person feel like I'm in a fucking maze in social situations.

Is she fake? Or maybe too insecure to say such things directly? I don't know how to judge her. I'm not even sure if I should judge her. Maybe such behavior is normal? After all, among neurotypical people I have often faced such things.

Yet she used the argument that I am an adult. I hate something like that.

J once said that I shouldn't be judged by the norm of my peers because my development is different from the norm. I mean both emotional and physical development,because both areas have suffered through my brain damage caused by extreme prematurity. I should add that I'm intellectually in the norm or even above the norm, so don't worry.

Although exactly for the reasons mentioned above I should not be judged by the norm of non-disabled and neurotypical people

It's just that my brother's girlfriend can't know this because I never told her about it

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I wonder what A and J do, do they read this blog? Because A doesn't post pictures or videos. I think I'm panicking though.

They are probably so happy that they don't have time for this.

Fucking luckiest people,they are happy and I have to live with my father under one roof.

I shouldn't be jealous, I know. But I think it's more a sense of injustice than jealousy. Although isn't that the same thing? Despite the fact that I adore them I think I envy them sometimes, especially A that she has J. I feel like a monster about it.

Sorry, I guess I'm a bad person, right ?

I love you, A and J, even though sometimes I'm mad at you. I don't know by what miracle it can be combined, but it is. I would really like to apologize to them for this. I'm sorry A,J. I really am. I'm a bad person. Or maybe I just miss you guys that much?

💮💮💮💮

Today in therapy with K I came to one conclusion,or rather two. He will definitely not be my friend. Either he is too shy for that or he wants to keep a professional distance. I rather put my money on the latter, given that he didn't want to accept me as a friend on Facebook. Today, with three questions I got out of him that his parents have two dogs. I felt that further investigation was pointless.

The therapy went well. There is nothing to compare it to the private, paid one, but for a state one it was really good.

E has so far not texted back to messages with descriptions of the therapy.

According to B, she might have been annoyed that the therapy with K is at a pretty good level. E is such a person that will NEVER admit that therapy with a physiotherapist other than her is alright, so this is quite a possible theory.

Admittedly, K was late again. B was furious about it again. However, I have to admit that she was way ahead of her therapy start time. She just thought she would start sooner, so she would finish sooner. She even stated that I could even have the therapies one after the other. She had previously stated that the most important thing for me was an hour break between therapies. As you can see, the most important thing for her too is her own time, not mine. Despite everything, I think this is normal,because everyone cares only about themselves which is perfectly natural.

An awful lot of sad conclusions today, but I guess I had to talk myself out.

💮💮💮💮

My brother came to my room today during therapy with B I started asking about K. She admitted that K is handsome and has a big mouth. That's enough for my brother to stock up on jokes for the rest of the year:D

He also joked that B is having an affair with K, which she denied:D

💮💮💮💮

I'm finishing up today because it's past midnight anyway.

Mom still hasn't turned off the TV,which pisses me off because usually by this time all the lights are already off.

There was a little argument with my father, but I think he's gone to bed now.

In my desk cabinet I have an energy drink, mojito flavor, and somehow for two days I can't get myself together to drink it.

Although I'm about to get myself a glass of Pepsi. ⭐🥤

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dianalolihikki · 7 days

Text

Hey!💜🩷

Today was a very intense day. Both in the positive and negative sense.

Let me start at the end.

My father was and probably still is very drunk.

My mother eventually texted my younger brother to buy father a beer when he got home.

My brother hates this with all his heart. He thinks, as do I and our oldest brother, that our father ruined our childhood.

The request for beer ruined my brother's date,in addition, he argued with his girlfriend because of it.

When he came over to the house a physical brawl immediately ensued between him and father. Mom had to separate them.

Mom also doesn't like such fights, because then father resents mom for the way younger brother behaves towards him.

I am also afraid of these quarrels.

The brother and his girlfriend are staying with us tonight to act if anything happens. On the other hand, I wonder if my brother's presence will only make the situation at home worse? Still, I prefer my brother to be there. It would be that my father might want to strangle my mother at night. In fact, I'm still scared.

On the other hand, however, father acts as if he is calm. Maybe he got frightened?

But I'm afraid that the topic of today's argument will still come back in my parents' arguments, and I'm afraid that something will happen to my mother. I hope my intuition is wrong as usual

💮💮💮💮

Now I will describe the therapy with K.

It turned out that he did not ignore my message at all. Due to the fact that he did not want to add me to friends on Facebook,the message went to the spam folder.

In the morning K texted me that he would be half an hour late,which did not surprise me, because it had already happened once. On the other hand, I was annoyed when he texted that he would be another half hour late. I was pissed off, because this meant that there was no break between therapy with K and therapy with B. Anyway, it turned out later that I was right. B had to wait for me in the living room,because I had therapy with K in my room.

However, I didn't make a fuss about it. And so he couldn't do anything when there were traffic jams on the roads I just replied "okay".

The therapy with K for state physiotherapy was quite good. There were a lot of strength resistance exercises, a lot of stretching exercises. Sometimes I think K is afraid to touch me. Maybe he is afraid I will fall in love with him? No,this place is occupied by J. Most likely.

Overall the therapy was ok for state physiotherapy. Comparing with the private, paid one, it is average. Only the basics of the basics. On the other hand, I believe that K will learn many things. He certainly has the desire to expand his knowledge,and I believe in him.

The only thing that annoys me is his always being late.

I described E's activities with K in a private message,as she asked. She did not read it, but she is probably absorbed in gaining new knowledge.

I will also add that K intends to open his own PT office,but he does not intend to have patients like me, i.e. with neurological disabilities, in it. He will focus, as he said himself, on orthopedic patients,because, as he said, there are more of them than patients like me. That is, he only cares about the cash.

Apparently, he said that he would not completely leave his job in state physiotherapy, and that he would educate himself in the knowledge of neurology. However, B and I both agreed that as soon as he smelled more money he would forget about his ideals.

Certainly not K won't be important to me like J is. This relationship can not be repeated.

💮💮💮💮

Now I think about J. Especially on days like today,where there are arguments in my house. I would like to shout J WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!? YOU SHOULD BE AND PROTECT ME IF I AM IMPORTANT TO YOU LIKE YOU SAID! WHY CAN'T I GIVE YOU A HUG!?

On the one hand I hate myself for these thoughts,because do I have the right to demand anything from him? And on the other hand I feel abandoned,and yet he told me that I am important to him, not in the sense of being in love, but as if I were his child. I don't think that means anything anymore.

On the other hand, I'm the one who screwed up. It was because of me that we didn't meet again.

Admittedly, I don't have suicidal thoughts, but sometimes, like today, I have imagined that I am standing in front of the bridge railing and J is talking to me about what hurts me and convinces me that he will help me and not to jump. And then I feel safe in his arms. What an idiot I am! I miss him so much! I miss him so much! I don't know how to do anything about it. I also don't know what to do to see him and have therapy with him. I WANT SO MUCH,AND TOTALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I am a longing idiot. In love? I don't know.

In addition, Spotify is playing me Japanese pop songs that I relate to J.

Well, and also the brother and his girlfriend don't spend the night with us, but at her place. My brother just hugged me and told me to call if something happens. I feel a little scary, but on the other hand my mother and father are already asleep, all the lights are off, so maybe it will be okay. So long as it's tomorrow. So long as we survive.

A didn't post anything from Albania. Maybe she actually knows about the blog? Or maybe J refused to share photos? A. probably does not want to upload photos only with herself,because she wants to show off her fiancé. Bleh.

Could it be jealousy?

The office where A and J work put a post on their Facebook page. The post is about a patient with cerebral palsy, who, true, walked without the help of aids for years,but was totally unable to do anything with his hands. Thanks to physiotherapy with J, the boy is already able to eat on his own. Such patients are worth thinking about, those who are fighting for their mobility, and not those like me who have not seen two years because of the stupidity of these patients, because I can't name it any other way.

💮💮💮💮

Finally, I will still describe the therapy with B.

Yes, she had to wait until I finished therapy with K. She was furious with him and I think all her fondness for him disappear. Anyway, she often complained today about his being late. In the end, she lost fifteen minutes of therapy because of him.

I also learned that I can't save therapy hours with her for January and February, unfortunately I will have to wait again until March to start next year's project. In my opinion, this is stupid. Maybe I will extend therapy with K so that I won't t sit all winter without moving,because it is unknown if I will get to therapy with E in winter.

Unfortunately, my drunk father slapped B on the butt. She seemingly accepted the apology (I wouldn't in her place) and was afraid to go to the restroom when he walked down the hall. Totally understand her.

I walked shorter today on the electric treadmill,because I was tired after therapy with K.

Nevertheless, it was a pleasantly spent time. I even had lunch with B.🎀🩷

💮💮💮💮

I am finished for today.

This evening had one huge benefit: I ate a delicious Korean ramen, buldak. I usually don't like spicy food, but this is an exception⭐.

I'm also about to have a cola.🥤

Let's hope tomorrow is better.🩷🎀

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dianalolihikki · 8 days

Text

Hey!💜🩷

I think I'm obsessed with this blog,because I was constantly thinking,or maybe rather worried about what I could write here. I used to write web novels and publish them online. I might add that I wrote them in my native language. Why do I say that? Because I wrote quite a lot about A and J. When I felt that someone from A and J's circle could find them I would panic and delete everything I wrote.

Now I don't even feel the need to delete posts, even though there is a lot more of me here than in those novels. So maybe I force myself into this panic about over-sharing A and J's lives here? Now I don't know myself. I literally felt at peace a while ago,and now I'm insecure again.

Sometimes I hate these neurodiverse mood swings of mine.

I know one thing for sure: I don't want to hide anything here or over-plan what I will write about. Then it will all lose its meaning a lot. If I do that then even now I can stop writing ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO, I DON'T!!!!

I hope I will stay here honest and true to the end. I don't want to stop being real. I don't want to stop writing. At the same time, I don't want anyone to feel bad that I'm writing about them. I don't want anyone to find out that I write about them,but on the other hand I don't want to hide anything. I want to write as before

I hope I won't stop.

And why did I stop writing novels? Because they were all practically about the same thing, which is me. I guess I'm either too uncreative or too self-centered. It is possible that both are true.

💮💮💮💮

Surprisingly, I finished writting my last novel, rather abruptly, even though there was probably the smallest amount of me there. Or maybe not so much the smallest amount of me, but rather a lot of my life was in there, but not directly. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll give an example. In previous novels, I wrote about J as my friend and physiotherapist whom I hadn't seen in a long time, which is how it really was. In the latest novel, I made him the brother of the main character. Why did I stop? Maybe there was just too little about me there? It also added a lot to the fact that I lost access to the blog where I was publishing this. My younger brother needed my google account for something and changed the password. Seemingly later I changed it again,but continued to have problems with logging in. Only that I did not even try to solve them. After all, I also published on other web sites,for example, on Wattpad. I didn't lose access to these websites, so if I wanted to I could keep writing. Apparently, I didn't want to.

Well, and I guess this diary satisfies my writing needs. After all, I'm writing about myself here. A sort of novel about my life. Well, and I'm typing it on my cell phone, so I can write anywhere and every day. Even when I will be at a physiotherapy camp,well unless I will be too tired to write.

Someday I'll have to write about the camp from September last year, or about my writing in the chat room. I have a "friend" there, to which I told him I am writing this diary. He asked me to type something in English about what I wrote here. I refused. I didn't want him to discover that I write this diary in an online translator and then just check that everything is correct.

Don't worry, it's not Google translator but something better. Anyway, I know English well enough to check if everything is ok.

I was never going to confess it here, but it's already done xD

I hope you guys won't be mad at me.

Although u so few people read this,which on the one hand is great,because I am safer,less people will find my blog xD

As for this friend it pisses me off that whenever I mention some man not related by blood to me he asks if I am flirting with him. This guy can't understand that I might not want to be in a relationship just because of the fear of loneliness. Loneliness is my friend. I don't care how pathetic it sounds.

💮💮💮💮

A. posted a video from Albania that shows her legs when she walks on the beach shore. Did she find out that I am posting here about her and J? No,that's impossible. I won't think about it anymore. I am posting here about this video to prove to myself that I will keep posting as before.

💮💮💮💮

I am pissed at K.

I don't know what time he will arrive tomorrow.

Theoretically K is supposed to be at my place at twelve o'clock.

However, he was supposed to confirm it,because on Friday he said that he doesn't know yet what his regular schedule will be.

Generally he has my mother's number, because for more than a year I have not had a SIM card in my phone, because I borrowed it to my brother.

I asked K on Friday if I could add him as a friend on Facebook or text him on messenger.

He agreed to text on messenger. Even then I noticed that he was not very enthusiastic about it, but I was and still am sure that I did not ask for anything wrong. I have every right to have any contact with him. I don't mean texting as with a friend but, for example, just asking about the time of therapy. I've already posted that I feel K would want to keep a professional distance, but I think he went too far. After all, it is his responsibility to inform me of the time of therapy if it is uncertain.

I texted him tonight about what time he will be at my place tomorrow. The last thing I would want is to be woken up in the morning by his coming too early. By the time I would get dressed it would be past halfway of the therapy

Supposedly on Friday he said he got my message, but I see the message marking implying that he didn't even get it. As if he didn't accept permission to text him.

With today's message, nothing has changed. He didn't even text my mother.

So I don't know anything.

This is just unprofessional behavior!

N says that K will probably send a message in the morning, but then it might be too late and I might oversleep.

Whatever the case, I set the alarm clock for nine in the morning.

💮💮💮💮

I'm finishing for today,because I'm getting tired already. 🎀

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy #writers and poets

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dianalolihikki · 9 days

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i think about him 24/7 ౨ৎ 𓂃࣪˖

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dianalolihikki · 9 days

Text

Hey!💜🩷

I think this is the first time I have a problem with what I want to post here.

And it's not about the severity of the topic covered.

It's just that I don't think I have anything to post about,because nothing was happening.

On the one hand, it's a good thing, because it means there are no quarrels and I hope it stays that way🩷🎀⭐.

Today I was mostly online. My mom went to visit a friend for a couple of hours, so there was also some peace and quiet, in the sense that there were no potential arguments.

The only thing that annoyed me so much was Spotify. Some songs would switch to the next song on their own. The player would turn on and off by itself. Also well it could be the fault of my phone. It is possible that the volume button was pressed too hard,that would explain why the sound often increases or decreases on its own.

I drank hot chocolate today, it was delicious.⭐

💮💮💮💮

A posted a photo from Albania today. Admittedly, they were standing with their backs to the photographer, but it was clear that A was kissing J on the cheek.

I wonder how J feels about all this? I mean the whole posting of pictures by A of them together. I know J doesn't like this kind of showing up on the Internet,or maybe not so much that he doesn't like it as he thinks it's something stupid. I wonder if he still feels that way? Or maybe it is like in his previous relationship: He sacrificed himself for his ex-wife. He pretended to be someone he is not for her. I like him a lot, but he's a retard when it comes to being overly altruistic.

I remember how A and I used to laugh at couples who put such photos online,and now she is doing the same thing.

Could it be that jealousy is speaking through me?

I don't think I should post about their private lives, even in such a small matter.

I remember my old online friend told me that when you post a diary online,you shouldn't post about other people in it,because they might take it as bitching about them.

I don't think I should post about J's former relationships.

Perhaps even about the photo.

But I will not delete anything.

The chance that they will find this blog is very low.

They certainly don't have time for it,besides, they don't even have accounts on Tiktok,much less on Tumblr.

Although maybe this is not a rule?

Maybe they have accounts here?

Now I'll be paranoid for the rest of my life and won't post anything honest here anymore.

I know J has a blog yet he never gave me the address, so it's probably not easy to find such things.

I tried to look for this blog, but did not find it.

Now I'm wondering if I went too far yesterday in accusing them of not liking me?

After all, when I was at the camps it was many times they assured me of their affection for me,because they saw that I doubted it.

They took me to their place, or out for sushi. They didn't do that with every patient.

They remembered to wish me a happy birthday at the camp, even when I was there three months after my birthday.

They gave me gifts, sometimes even without an occasion, and didn't expect anything in return.

I won't count the hours I spent talking with them, or the fact that they sometimes took me to extra therapy in the afternoon, often for free.

Now I feel bad about what I wrote about them yesterday, but that's how I felt, sometimes I still feel that way after all.

Sometimes I think that I actually have a lot of reasons to believe that they adore me, however, I also have a whole other lot of reasons to believe that I am indifferent to them.

I myself do not know when I am right.

Today I am convinced that they adore me. 🎀⭐🩷

Maybe it's better to leave this topic. I think I feel like posting more about it, but I don't know if it's a good idea for today. I often overthink a particular topic a lot and look for negatives in it by force.

Anyway, I don't even know what more to say about it except that I feel stupid and don't know when I'm right when I think about my relationship with them.

Nevertheless, I hope I will continue to be honest in this diary.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother and his girlfriend came for a short visit with his girlfriend's parents.

The brother's girlfriend told her mom about me having therapy with K. About how handsome he is,about me hitting on a younger guy.

Except that I'm not hitting on him.

That's also made me realize that I am already at that age where picking up younger guys is already seen as something cool,not immoral. I guess I really am getting old~.

I also wonder why everyone is asking how handsome K is, but don't ask what kind of physiotherapist he is?

I know I wasn't supposed to post about other people's lives, but today I heard from my brother that a few years ago B was caught with her lover, a married guy,the son of B's elderly patient.

I wonder if these rumors are true?

Do I really know B as well as I think I do?

💮💮💮💮

I am finishing for today.

This was supposed to be a short post, but it came out as usual.⭐

Malice Mizer is playing in my headphones, I have a Coke and blueberries on my desk. 🩷

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher crush #older men crush #physical therapist crush #physical therapist #physical disability #physical therapy #unrequited feelings #teacher attachment #unrequited affection #confused #delusional #delulu

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dianalolihikki · 10 days

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Hey!💜

Today I had my first physiotherapy session with K.

It brought up a lot of emotions for me. I, as usual, am feeling everything so much. Maybe even too much.

K was supposed to be at 12:00, however, it turned out that he was half an hour late. It took him that long to get there from the previous patient, so such situations can still happen.

First of all, I have to say that we no longer call each other Ms/Mr. We just call each other by our first names. Being very formal in our case doesn't make much sense, because we are of similar age - K is three years younger than me.

I was very positively surprised that K wants to do what I do with E,so as not to demolish the concept of therapy.

K checked the ranges of motion of my arms and legs today.

K values my opinion very much and wants me to tell him everything I don't like about the therapy. K even wants me to correct him.

He generally gives the impression of being a hard worker. He will bring his own physiotherapy equipment, which is very much on the plus side, I have never encountered this with home physiotherapy.

Overall he made a very positive impression.

I was full of energy after the session was over. I would love to talk about it all day long.

Unfortunately, I live in such a world where, when I am interested in any activity in which there is a man I immediately have to be in love with him, so I refrain from talking about K and his therapy.

In addition, I don't know why, but it seems to me that my mother is not fond of him and would like to end the cooperation as soon as possible. I don't want force her to anything. On the other hand, I also don't want to end therapy with K too soon.

I hope that my intuition, as usual, will not come true. I feel that I totally lack female intuition. After all, I am a premature baby. Once A herself said that I have a lot more premature traits than female ones in me, that means,I have many neurodiverse personality traits.

💮💮💮💮

B literally passed K at the door, which is like having two therapies in a row,as I walked with B on the electric treadmill. Again, I had a very nice conversation with her.

B is of the opinion that E tried to discourage me from state physiotherapy. According to B, E is afraid that she will lose me as a patient and make less money in the process. We both found E's behavior unprofessional. We would also both love to see E's face while reading the positive news about K :D

I really feel that I like B more and more

B also asked a lot about K. I think she seriously likes him. She even asked if he had a girlfriend.

I didn't ask that,because I thought that question was too private. I feel that K will want to keep distance in his relationship with me, even if our relationship is friendly.

B also brought a piece of cake that she baked herself, it was a yeast cake with plums. We sipped it with cola,because mom was temporarily not at home and did not make us tea. It was great. B's husband left again for work in Switzerland. B always enjoys such moments when he is not at home. It also gives B some peace of mind from U.

💮💮💮💮

E was pleased with the course of my therapy with K. At least that's what she told me when she texted me back.

I will end up having therapy with K twice a week - on Mondays and Wednesdays. I think that's a pretty reasonable schedule.

💮💮💮💮

Right after I sent a message to E, I also wanted to send a message to A. Fortunately, I saw that A had added a new photo on Facebook.

The photo showed her, J and an other couple at the airport. The caption suggested that they were going on vacation to Albania.

Again, I felt doubts about my relationship with A and J.

If I was important to them, would I find out such things from Facebook?

If I was important to them, would they still be so silent and never texted to me first? Well, almost never.

Seemingly I have always known and accepted that I am not as important to them as they are to me, but seeing in front of my own eyes photo with their friends is something else, such a painful kick of reality.

Anyway, during those two years their warm feelings for me might have disappear.

Then again, maybe they never were a such feelings. Maybe what J used to tell me about adult friendships was an excuse, or maybe it just became irrelevant over time I became indifferent to them? Or maybe they grew to hate me?

And what did J say? He said that adult friendship doesn't have to involve daily contact, texting or daily visits, you can be friends without that too.

J and A are practically everything to me,but who am I to them?

Or am I pathetic? What am I demanding? They used to see me four times a a each year,(for about five years)at camps,for two years they have not seen me at all.

I love them and hate them at the same time.

Did I text A? Yes,but I only wished them a nice vacation. I added that the state physiotherapy promises to be good, and I will tell her more when she returns from vacation.

Although now I think I unnecessarily added a mention of physiotherapy. I think I unnecessarily sent this message at all.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother,his girlfriend and I had a little laugh about K. Mostly about B liking K.

The brother is sure that B has many lovers and is a mistress, at least that's the rumor in our village.

The brother asked if K was handsome and wanted to see his picture. He stated that K is too handsome for my brother's girlfriend to be with him at the same time in our house :D

My brother also added that my grandmother agreed to renovate the house.

But if I move to my grandmother's it means the end of therapy with B and K? I don't want that!

💮💮💮💮

I hate weekends. That's when everyone in the house drinks alcohol except me. I think my mother and younger brother even had a minor argument

Have I said I hate weekends yet?

💮💮💮💮

Okay, I'm done for the day because it's after midnight and I haven't published the post yet.

The most important thing is Pepsi and lilac flowers. The rest MUST come together somehow.🩷

Does my and J's relationship look like this picture?

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dianalolihikki · 11 days

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Hey!💜

I don't know if I have the energy to post here anymore. I seemingly have been writing a lot, but yesterday I didn't even check the text before posting.

Yesterday I also forgot to complete my menstrual application,and I used to remember to do it every day.

Well, maybe it's because of the stress related to K?

Anyway, my period started today.

Well, and I guess I don't have much to post about. There's no need to force myself to post by force.

💮💮💮💮

Today I was at a physical therapy session with E.

Next week I will not have a session with E,because she is going to a physiotherapy course to gain new knowledge.

Apparently, on the one hand she encouraged me to have a session with K, but on the other hand she talked about another patient's poor experience with state physiotherapy And I'm starting to wonder if she wants to discourage me with white gloves. She often talks like this about physiotherapy camps, too. She never mentions the good experiences, only the bad ones.

According to B, this is a intrigue,because according to her, E is afraid that she will earn less. Well, according to me and B, E does not accept that someone can be a better physiotherapist than her.

E today also said that I certainly have more knowledge than K. Does she really want to discourage me?

Overall it was fun today. We even laughed a little at B's suggestion that I might be uncomfortable with the fact that K is a guy, and as a physiotherapist he has to have physical contact with me.

After all, I have worked with both male and female physiotherapists all my life.

For me, this physical contact is natural, even if the physiotherapist is a man.

I admit that I even sometimes get along better with male physiotherapists than female physiotherapists.

One time even J noticed this ⭐🩷.

It's generally easier for me to get along with guys, although still getting along with people,including guys is not easy for me.

I am constantly worried that K may not be familiar with physiotherapy for people with cerebral palsy. My mother says she probably mostly works with older people.

All will be revealed tomorrow.

E wants me to text her after my session with K to tell what I think of his therapy.

I will probably also text A.

I wonder if E really wishes me well

💮💮💮💮

Today my fear of being left alone in the car reached its peak,now I think it's because of my period. I always function poorly during my period,including physically.

I avoided filling up the car today,or rather waiting for my mother in the car on rough ground.

Unfortunately, I did not avoid waiting in front of the post office and then in front of the grocery store. I was on the verge of panic, all trembling, I had the urge to run away and scream. It's been a long time since I've been scared to this degree.

Fortunately, at home I relaxed. There was a TV series, cheap sushi and ice cream waiting for me.🩷

💮💮💮💮

I'm finishing up for today. I'm still surrounded by the beautiful smell of lilacs,and a can of Pepsi is cooling in my desk drawer. 🥤🩷

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy

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dianalolihikki · 12 days

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me if you even care

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dianalolihikki · 12 days

Text

Hey!💜

Today I saw K for the first time.

However, let me start with a different topic.

Today is A's 29th birthday. Yes,me and her are the same age.

In the past, I have been waiting for her birthday for a few days to wish her a happy birthday on messenger.

However, I didn't remember about this year's until yesterday, just after writing this post.

I felt really bad about it,as if I really forgot about her and J.

Although on the other hand I was really stressed about the whole situation with K

Every year I give both A and J long text wishes on messenger.

When I was still going to their camps it was somehow easier to come up with the content of birthday wishes,because I had something to thank them for on the fly. And now? Wishes are shorter, but still not laconic.

To the wishes for A, I always add as many unicorn emoticons as she turns a given year old. A loves unicorns almost as much as J. 🦄

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,DEAR A-CHAN.~🩷🎀🦄

💮💮💮💮

I will now move on to my first meeting with K. Although I don't know if there will be anything to tell,because the meeting was purely organizational and lasted maybe ten minutes.

I was very stressed and in the morning I woke up practically every hour,and finally got up at eight in the morning.

I set the alarm clock for ten o'clock, but I didn't have to use it. Even my mother came at nine in the morning to clean my room already.

The minutes went by terribly for me.

It also turned out that B would be at my place at the same time as K.

Eventually B showed up a few minutes before the arrival of K.

B has other patients besides me. From one of the patients B brought me lilac flowers. I love lilac flowers! B put them in a vase on my desk. Even now they smell beautiful to me

Mom persuaded B to accompany us during the meeting with K. In the end, her presence came out very positive, because it showed K that I am physically active in addition to physiotherapy.

Generally during the meeting I was very stressed. My muscles were spastically stiff almost all the time. I wasn't looking at K, I was mostly stroking the cat. I was also unable to look him in the eye, although if I'm honest I never look anyone in the eye.

Despite this, I answered all of K's questions about my functioning,and he wrote everything down in his notebook.

And so I am of the opinion that he will only see my functioning on Friday at the physiotherapy session.

K addresses me as miss,and I address him as mister. I wonder if it will stay that way or if we will shorten the distance. Physiotherapists approach this very differently,and I don't want to impose anything on him.

I know from K that he brings with him various items for physiotherapy, so he takes it rather seriously.

I was a little saddened that my mother said that she doesn't see any progress in my walking,when E, B see that it is better.

K countered that even small things can be progress. I think I will like him. I feel he will be a hard worker.

We will have a physiotherapy session twice a week, Mondays and Fridays, or Fridays and Wednesdays.

We'll work everything out in more detail at the first physiotherapy session on Friday. It will last an hour.

I'm still stressed, but a little less so.

K is probably B type,because she noticed that he doesn't have a ring.

💮💮💮💮

The two hours with B went by very quickly. I downloaded a streaming app on my TV similar to Netflix, only owned by the state TV in my country.

Now I'm watching a cool costume series there. I was attracted to the lead actress, who used to star in a series with a teacherxstudent theme.

💮💮💮💮

I'm ending for today,I won't write anything more specific because my brain is flooded with dreams of talking to J and A🎀🩷.

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #older men crush #diary #teacher crush

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dianalolihikki · 13 days

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me

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dianalolihikki · 13 days

Text

Hey!💜

I was right! (Or rather, I concluded correctly)

Tomorrow I will meet K for the first time in my life.

When I heard about this from my mom an hour ago it caused my inner objection.

On the one hand, after all, I asked about this progress on the paperwork , and on the other hand I feel that I do not want to see him, that I do not want a new person in my life,I do not want a new physical therapist.

Or maybe it's because by the lack of contact from his side today all day I was sure that we will start only from Monday?

My first visit with K is to be spent on organizational matters and checking my walking skills. I will also have many questions for him. Mostly about what methods he works with.

I also wonder if he will be like in my imaginations.

Of course, I'm still afraid that it will all turn out to be a failure. I have had a very bad experience with state physical therapy. Most people with cerebral palsy rather avoid the state one,because it does not give them much, and often even worsens the condition. Therefore, there is a belief among most of us that only private physical therapy makes sense.

I texted N about what will happen tomorrow.

I asked her why K might care so much about starting physiotherapy sessions as soon as possible.

As I once mentioned N has been using state physiotherapy for three years and is very happy with the results ,she is starting to walk. She probably also knows all the rules that state physiotherapists have to follow, so I asked about this rush on K's part.

I will try to approach everything positively, since even E and B approach all this very positively.

Anyway, the fact that he helped me get all the paperwork done speaks very well of him.

In fact, he handled everything for me.

B will probably ask if he is handsome. Especially if he is the same physiotherapist as the one we found one day on google.

I'm terribly scared.

The physiotherapy session will start at 11:30 in the daytime.

I'll set my alarm clock for ten in the morning so I don't fall asleep, although I doubt I'll fall asleep.

💮💮💮💮

As I was writing all this, I imagined that I would surprise J and come to visit him for a week of physiotherapy. In my imagination, A and I keep it a secret and after I come and hug J from behind🩷.

Probably keeping the fact that I am coming a secret would not work, especially if I had a physiotherapy session with him, but no one has killed anyone yet for a dream,right?

I miss J VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY much.

I would give anything to have physiotherapy with him and A instead of K

I even cried when I wrote this.

I will definitely text A about how the first physiotherapy session with K🎀 went (if there's anything to say).

I hope I will see J again someday and that he doesn't hate me.

💮💮💮💮

Today was such an ordinary day.

I was at a physiotherapy session with E

We stayed all in the office. I was also right about my muscles being all stiff. Today I didn't really want to exercise, but luckily I forced myself.

I even managed to walk the whole hallway without crutches,just on my own legs.

It was not easy, my back hurt a lot after that, but I managed.🎀

Unfortunately, on the way back I had to stay alone in the car for a few moments. At first, at the post office. There it was the worst,because it still seemed to me that the car was about to roll down the hill, although it stood on level straight ground.

Then in the parking lot at the store it was a little better, although it still seemed to me that something was wrong. The seat of the car seemed higher than usual to me,but this could just be my fears.

Today my fears were greater than last time,but maybe this is the result of fatigue after physical therapy.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother yelled at me because I refused to let his girlfriend take me to the toilet.

I don't mind her doing it, but my brain is working at odd speeds today and I thought I'd take advantage of her by doing so.

My brother was in a bad mood and was also easily upset. Now we talk normally.

Although at the time I refused to go to the toilet with my mother and held my urine for an hour. And it was stupidity on my part because somewhere since last November I have some harmless bacteria in my urine for which no antibiotic works.

💮💮💮💮

I am finishing for today.

I am terribly stressed.🎀

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher attachment #physical disability #premature baby #physical therapist #physical therapy #i miss him #longing #teacher crush #unrequited affection #unrequited crush #long post #long reads

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dianalolihikki · 14 days

Text

Hey!💜

I think I've caught some kind of allergy,because for the past few days I've had a red face,in addition, everything makes me itch,and my sensory hypersensitivity is probably at its peak. I wonder what could be behind my allergy. I just hope it's an allergy to some pollen,and not to the delicious Chinese chicken I ate on Thursday with E.

Even a peeling didn't help get rid of those red spots on my face.

I took an allergy pill, maybe it will help.

I should have had those allergy tests done long ago, but I always put it off.

💮💮💮💮

I was supposed to read that book I wrote about yesterday, but somehow I couldn't get myself to do it today. I don't know why, but usually when I'm at the end of a book it's harder for me to read.

Maybe I don't want to part with the book?

💮💮💮💮

My father lay in his room all day today and sobered up. I love days like this!🩷

💮💮💮💮

Today I did not go for a walk with B,because all day it was only 10 degrees Celsius outside, it was windy, raining and cloudy.

So I walked again on the electric treadmill in my room. We didn't talk about anything in particular, more about dummies like the opening of the village store, but it was still fun.🎀

I found out that U gave her the earrings that B was wearing today.

Could it be that U is trying to pretend to be B's good friend just to try to take away B's husband?

💮💮💮💮

At the time B was with me,my mom called the reception at the health center. She finally got the code and gave it to K. Then K asked for scans of the disability certificate and other personal information to enter the me into some system. I printed out a copy of my disability certificate to my mother, and she took a picture of the certificate and sent it by text message to K.

I haven't heard from him since. Maybe it takes a while to enter into the system? Or maybe he did it in the afternoon,after work?

I would already like to know when I will have my first physical therapy session with K.

I'm betting it will be Wednesday,but as you can read above I don't have a date yet.

Nevertheless, it is important that the case went forward.

💮💮💮💮

There was an option that I would go to E tomorrow together with my younger brother and his girlfriend. I didn't say it out loud, but I was a little scared. I have a rather strange fear of being left alone in a car. It started four years ago, when my mother parked the car on a small, steep hill u I was afraid that the car would go down.

Now I have somewhat mastered this fear, I no longer cry or panic, although when I am left alone in the car I prefer when the door on my side is open, I also prefer to sit sideways,so that my legs are outside the car

My brother does not have as much patience with my fears and drives a car quite fast.

Admittedly, at the end of the day, my trips with him are usually great,but the fear stayed somewhere in me.

There was also the possibility that mom was going to drink a beer, and my brother was going to drive us both anyway, because mom has a dentist appointment tomorrow.

Fortunately, mom didn't drink any beer and it's most likely that she will be the one to drive me to E tomorrow 🎀🩷.

💮💮💮💮

I haven't said it yet, but to raise money for physical therapy,my mother and I send letters to various companies, in which I describe my situation. Usually, we always include a certificate for a physical therapy camp on a particular date

Unfortunately, the physiotherapy camp I attended in September does not want to give us a certificate for the back up appointments( The closer the date of the camp,the more willing companies are to donate), where I am booked , so we attach a certificate for physiotherapy at E.

Mom came up with the idea for me to sign up for another camp, where her friend whom we know from camps where J and A worked is going.

I don't know how I will react to yet another change. Although maybe I don't care anyway since I can't go to J?

Now I wonder if the fact that I don't inform A and J first about K's physical therapy stuff is a sign that they are no longer important to me? I don't think I would survive that!!!

💮💮💮💮

Speaking of camps, I saw a live broadcast on Tiktok today where I saw a physiotherapist working with a child.

This physiotherapist is P.

P worked in the same physiotherapy camp where A and J worked.

P also no longer works there.

Although I don't like P and his physiotherapy methods, I couldn't stop watching this live broadcast.

💮💮💮💮

I am ending for today. I should go to sleep earlier,because due to mom's dentist I start my physiotherapy session with E an hour earlier than usual tomorrow.

Although I probably won't fall asleep anyway until all the lights in the house are out.

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #older men crush #teacher crush #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy #allergies #fears

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