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itsjunear · 2 months

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"Hidden Feelings" Part 3

Hello everyone! Here is the last and third part. I'm sorry for taking so long, this time there are no excuses, I just ask for forgiveness 😭😭Thanks to everyone for the reblogs and likes ❤❤❤ I really appreciate it. I hope you like it, sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language. I love you all ❤❤❤

Warnings: Mentions of violence, mention of misogyny, if you squint you'll see a slight mention of nudity

Psdt: I'll advance that it has a happy ending. I hate sad endings, sorry. There's a bit of anguish, but everything gets resolved.

Part 1 Part 2

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By the Cauldron, perhaps my foolishness had led me to this situation.

Maybe I should have let Cassian or Az accompany me, after all, they knew their people better, and that would have avoided the whole mess I found myself in, knee-deep in crap.

I gasped for air as I tried to make my limbs obey, too tired to achieve any result. The cold pierced my bones, and I was sure I would freeze if I couldn't manage to move even a little. But everything hurt, my arms felt limp, my legs too weak to stand, and I could even feel my face starting to swell, bruises becoming more pronounced with each passing moment, and a stabbing pain in my side with every breath.

Where was Rhys? He said he would come to take me home in our last communication.

I tried to move a bit, flexing my knees with great effort as I groaned in pain, almost crying out from the ache on my right side, but only managed to end up with my face buried in the snow. Gods, it didn't feel so bad, it burned a bit, but the cold would help reduce the swelling. Immortal blood should already be doing its job trying to heal the wounds, but the pain didn't diminish in any way.

I closed my eyes as I tried to gather strength in my arms to push myself up when I heard footsteps approaching me. Then, my brain started working to alert me, and I forced myself to lift my head a little, assessing the threat. A tall figure, filled with shadows and wings, was running towards me. I almost sighed in relief when I distinguished Az's figure, getting closer and closer.

"Y/N" he shouted.

He knelt beside me, looking worried and as beautiful as ever, with his nose and cheeks flushed from the cold.

"What happened? By the Mother" His eyes scanned me up and down, assessing all the damage. He touched my face gently, and I winced when he brushed against my right cheek and withdrew his hand automatically, throwing an apologetic glance before icy anger took over his face.

Did I look that bad?

"I'm… fine, Az" I replied haltingly, struggling to speak but trying to keep the fog out of my head.

"Rhys said you would be here, and when he felt…" he cut himself off halfway through the sentence, gently moving me so he could bear my weight. "I came as fast as I could, I'm sorry" his shadows swirled around us, restless.

"It's okay, Az. You're here" I repeated as I rested my head on his chest, allowing myself to savor the moment as I closed my eyes. He wrapped both arms around me, careful not to hurt me further, and enveloped us both with his wings.

"I'll take you home," he whispered lightly in my ear, and I nodded, unsure if he could see me or not. He gently carried me in his arms, and I buried my face in his neck, filling myself with his scent. However, I could feel his tense body, the anger he emitted was palpable even though he was trying to be as gentle as possible with me.

"I'm fine, Az, relax" I told him in a low tone. A little lie. Fatigue was killing me.

"You wouldn't say that if you saw the same thing I'm seeing" he grumbled.

If I could roll my eyes, I would have, but sleep began to invade me, and I no longer had the strength to argue with him. I was safe, and that was all that mattered. Az had come for me.

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I woke up with a terrible headache.

Damn. I slowly opened my eyes, aware of where I was. In my room at the House of Wind. Alive. I sighed and touched my face, pain-free. Good. I took a deep breath and sat up, feeling that slight twinge in my side again. I lowered my gaze and found bandages.

Great. I should have been healed by now. If they were just scratches, why was I still in bed?

"Because it weren't just scratches, you had two broken ribs and a contusion" Rhys leaned against the doorframe.

"Stop spying on me" I grumbled hoarsely.

He raised his hands in surrender and walked towards me, sitting beside me on the bed.

"How do you feel?" he asked with a concerned voice.

"Like I've been beaten up" I simply replied, sighing "Cassian will kick my ass for letting myself get beaten like this."

"I'd say he'll leave you alone until you're fully recovered and then drag you out of bed at dawn to train again," he replied with a gentle smile before returning to his distressed tone "You should have seen his face when he saw you unconscious in Az's arms. He was worried. We all were."

"I know, I'm sorry," I looked at my nails "I… I was ambushed and caught off guard, Rhys."

He took my hand, and I met his violet eyes "What happened?" he asked without pressure. I knew he wouldn't force me to tell anything, but I wanted to, so I squeezed his hand in response and opened my shields to let him in.

I showed him everything. How I had to pretend to be a female who only wanted to drink until unconsciousness and how I had to flirt with other equally drunk males to get them to tell me something, anything. I showed him how the night before I had obtained information from an Ilyrian soldier about those females, how they had been killed, and why. When I almost vomited because their only justification was: "They couldn't be tamed anymore. We had to root it out before it spread to the others" as if they were just simple animals. And even when, in the middle of the night, I was packing my things to get out of that dump and several Ilyrians surrounded me, realizing I had been discovered. Every blow they struck me with, in the stomach, the head, the face, the back, how I felt pain everywhere, they had beaten me almost into unconsciousness as a warning, so that I wouldn't snoop around again, they had said. And the moments before Az found me in the middle of the snow.

When we returned to reality, Rhys's body was so tense that I could feel all that contained rage, so I just touched his arm in a gesture to calm down. It worked, because he shot me a guilty look, and I raised my hand to stop him.

"Don't do that. This wasn't anyone's fault. You didn't send me there, I volunteered to go, and it just didn't turn out as we hoped." It seemed to calm him a bit, but not entirely, and I continued speaking. "Anyway, they didn't know who I was, maybe they suspected a bit, but they didn't have a chance to ask me."

Rhys shook his head.

"I haven't received any notification from the camp, you're probably right."

I nodded. "I'm fine, Rhys. This wasn't anyone's fault, it could have happened to anyone, even to you or Cassian and Az. Relax."

Rhys sighed before his gaze turned serious. "Azriel will definitely enjoy hunting them down."

I opened my mouth to respond when the shadow singer walked into the room with bandages in hand. A look of understanding passed between Rhys and he stood up from where he was.

"I'll leave you alone, rest," he said before getting up from my side. "Take a few days off, nothing will be deducted from your salary," he joked with a small smile, and I laughed.

However, the laughter turned into a groan when that twinge attacked again, and I had to bring my hand to that spot.

"Majda said that in a few days you should be good as new, just with rest and medication, but it'll hurt until it's fully healed," Az said with a raised eyebrow.

"Great" I groaned again.

He walked to the bed and sat down, taking Rhys's place as his shadows roamed the room, one wrapping around a loose strand of my hair. I smiled and felt Az's intense gaze on me.

"I need to change your bandage" was all he said.

I nodded as I took off the oversized shirt that wasn't mine, probably his from the scent of cedar infused in it, when I remembered I wasn't wearing any underwear to cover my breasts, but honestly… it didn't matter, after all, he had already seen me vulnerable, bleeding, and almost dead.

His intense gaze never wavered from its target, which seemed to be me. So I let him do his work and just covered my breasts with the shirt.

"Thank you" I said as his hands touched me gently, hands full of scars that I loved so much, and I felt my skin tingling in every place he caressed "For coming to find me."

He looked at me and stopped. Taking my face in his hands, his hazel eyes filled with gentleness "You have nothing to thank me for. I'm sorry I arrived too late."

"Azriel, I'll tell you the same thing I told Rhys, this isn't anyone's fault"

I shook my head, feeling my heart racing. It meant nothing more, Az was obviously worried, if the situation were reversed, I'd be the same. I had no reason to think this was something else, I wouldn't let my heart get carried away.

"I shouldn't have let you go alone, I had a bad feeling" he said as he leaned his forehead against mine, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

I shouldn't let him do this, how would I recover from this? How would I feel later, when I saw him with the beautiful and sweet Elain?

I blinked to clear my vision and pulled away from him. I couldn't… I just couldn't.

Az looked at me with hurt eyes, and his wings fluttered behind him the same way his shadows did, but he kept talking. "I'm sorry, truly. Seeing you there in the snow… By the Cauldron, I've never felt so much fear, and when you fell asleep…" He ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up a bit "I was so terrified you wouldn't wake up again that…"

"Stop, Az" I interrupted him as my throat trembled and my heart ached "Don't say those things, okay?"

I couldn't let him continue talking. No. Because it would make me give in and tell him I've loved him for centuries.

"No" he challenged me, determined. "Let me finish. I can't imagine… Seeing that I almost lost you made me panic because I couldn't imagine being immortal and living without you. And realizing that reality…"

"Az" I cut him off again as I grabbed one of his shoulders desperately and shook him slightly. "Stop, please" I let out a pained whisper.

I wanted to cry so badly, and I guessed his shadows sensed it because they ran over my arms as a form of comfort.

Azriel ignored me.

"I love you" he confessed then. "I have for a long time, so long that spending time with you was a sweet torture. However, you don't have to feel the same, I just wanted to tell you. I know we haven't been completely right for a few weeks, but we can fix it…"

"What?" my body trembled as I realized what he was saying, and the lump in my throat grew bigger.

He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead gently. "I love you, I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you."

My heart, my poor heart that had been so hurt, filled with hope… and maybe… Yes. Maybe all of this was true, but… What about Elain?

"What?" Az's face filled with confusion. Damn, had I thought out loud? I sighed and realized I had already opened that door I had been so afraid to explore before.

"Elain… I've seen you with her, you know? You look comfortable with her, Az, and I don't want to get in the way…" I said without any reproach.

"Haven't you heard anything I told you before?" he responded with desperation. "I love you, only you. I'm completely yours." He sighed, and his wings drooped a little. "Elain is nice, I think she's great as a friend, nothing more. If I've spent more time with her lately, it's because I thought you needed space from me, because I saw you distancing yourself from me and I thought… Damn, I've been an idiot."

By the Mother. This was real.

"Do you love me?" was all I could ask, completely forgetting about Elain.

"I do. My heart and my soul are yours," he replied.

"Az…" I said his name in a sigh "I love you too, I have for centuries, probably since that time you ate the carrot cake I tried to bake and no one else wanted to try."

Az chuckled softly before leaning in and capturing my lips in a slow kiss, filled with years of longing, and the shirt that barely covered me left my breasts exposed as I raised my hands to tangle them in his hair. His lips felt soft against mine, and I opened my mouth in an invitation he gladly accepted, sliding his tongue in. I wanted to move a little more to feel him, but I let out a moan when that damn rib hurt me again. Az laughed in the midst of the kiss and pulled away.

"You shouldn't move too much yet," he said as he stroked my hair.

"I know, it's very annoy…"

"You look pretty good, actually. Rhys told me you're still not ready to train, but I think I'll see you in the ring tomorrow," Cassian's voice made an appearance in the room, startling us and interrupting us, so Az quickly raised a wing to try to cover me.

I let out a laugh that made me ache, and Cassian followed suit with a laugh.

Az handed me the shirt, and I put it on as we shared a amused look. There were still things we needed to figure out, but we would do it later. Together.

@going-through-shit @isa1b2h3 @willowpains @mariahoedt @charlotteintumbleland @thebeautifulmysteriesoflife @otherworldly-creatures-blog @sirens-and-moonflowers @i-am-infinite @kalulakunundrum @jenniferpendragon @randomperson1234sblog @abysshaven @coolepowersthings @fxckmiup @boygeniuses10 @fightmedraco @prettylittlewrites

#acotar #azriel #azriel x reader #i dont know what im doing #bat boys

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itsjunear · 2 months

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I reappear to complain a bit, I should be writing the third part of Hidden Feelings, I know, I'm sorry (I love you all for your patience) 😭😭😭 but tomorrow I have to go to the university to solve some issues in the administration, and apparently I have to do it alone because nobody wants to go with me 😭😭😭😭 Please, I'm just a tired girl of adult life

#sorry #save me #acotar

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itsjunear · 2 months

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Thank you so much for tagging me! ❤❤

Last song: I Won't share you of The Smiths

Favorite Color: blue 💙

Currently Watching: Criminal Minds and Once Upon a Time (without judging, please)

Spicy/Savory/Sweet: Savory

Relationship status: Singleee 🤸‍♀️

Current Obsession: Spotify, watching TikToks, making desserts (don't always turn out well, but my family loves me enough to eat them), and Tumblr recently.

I would like to get to know everyone more and make friends 😭😭😭

Tags: @topaz125 @unlikelycupcakequeen @fairydustblossom @candypurplebutterfly

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot

#tag game

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itsjunear · 2 months

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"Hidden Feelings" Part 2

Note: Hi everyone! I apologize for the delay with this second part. I had some issues and I've just been able to finish it. Again, I appreciate the time you take to read me. English is not my first language, and I apologize if this is terrible. Love you! ❤❤❤

Psdt: I want to thank everyone for all the reblogs, likes, and comments on the previous post 😭😭😭 It really brightened my week, I adore you all.

The tags are located at the end. If you want me to tag you for the third and final part, let me know.

Part 1

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Demons, I had forgotten how much I struggled with getting up early.

Especially after staying up late after dinner. I was sure I had passed out on the couch, but I had woken up in one of the rooms I used when I stayed over. I had a slight suspicion of who had brought me there, but for my own good, I decided not to dwell on it.

I forced my body to wake up and get out of the comfortable sheets. I took a quick shower, and the house already had the Ilyrios leathers ready when I stepped out, so I left a grateful remark aloud before getting dressed.

I figured most people had stayed over, so I tried to make as little noise as possible as I sneaked into the kitchen to have some leftovers from the night before. It was really delicious, so if I was going to say goodbye to good food for the time I was away, I would make sure to enjoy these last bites. I couldn't stay at the Ilyrios camps; it would be very suspicious if I did after Rhys was asking what had happened to those females. And if I wanted to get answers, real answers, I'd have to make sure to be careful. They would guess my motives for being in the camp as soon as I set foot in it. So, ruled out.

However, there was a tavern a bit further away, nothing a few minutes' walk wouldn't solve, with rooms upstairs. The Ilyrios frequented it for drinks. Therefore, that would be my biggest advantage.

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to reality, and I let out a startled shriek before turning around.

"What the hell…"

Oh...

When I noticed the hazel eyes and the shadows in tendrils spreading around the room, I relaxed.

"You scared me to death," I whispered slowly. Az smiled slightly, and for a moment, I held my breath. "I made some noise so you'd hear me, but you were committed to the mission" he pointed at my half-eaten food. I shook my head while suppressing a smile and hurried to clean up what I had messed up.

"Leave it, I'll do it" his voice interrupted me again, as his scent enveloped me, and he gently took things out of my hands. I glanced for a moment at the action, at his scarred hands moving, beautiful as anything I had seen, yet I couldn't ignore the fact that he was making an effort not to touch me, as if consciously avoiding brushing against me. A pang of pain shot through my chest, and I raised my guard again.

How foolish I was being, a complete and damn fool.

"It's okay, Azriel. I can handle it" I tried to say firmly but quietly, unaware that he was looking at me, studying me, searching for something. His wings fluttered softly, and shadows roamed freely around the room, around us.

"Why do you call me that?" he asked slowly, and I looked at him slightly confused, while tendrils of shadows wrapped around my fingers, tickling me a little with their cold touch, but managing to make me smile affectionately at them.

"Call you what?" I replied back, distracted by his shadows.

"Azriel," he said flatly. "You stopped saying my full name shortly after we met, and you've gone back to that for several weeks now."

I didn't respond. Obviously, if there was anyone in the world who could notice those things, it would be him. But I couldn't answer him, not honestly, at least. I couldn't tell him that I couldn't call him Az without it hurting, because it made me think of him with love, and I couldn't allow myself to continue that, not when I saw him with the beautiful Archeron sister. So I continued playing with his shadows, avoiding answering, but I felt his attentive gaze on me until the tendrils returned to him, and I had no choice but to lift my head to find him a short distance away from me.

"Did you take me to bed last night?" I asked, changing the subject. Az simply nodded. "Thank you" I whispered, not knowing what else to say. I swallowed hard and stepped away, ready to leave once and for all, before I did or said something I would regret later.

"Y/N" he called, "Is everything okay?"

I tensed in my place, of course, he had also noticed that. "Yes" I lied without looking at him as I moved to put some snacks in the small backpack that, oh surprise, he had given me in a past solstice and I always carried with me.

"If it's about dinner, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, it's forgotten" I interrupted, because if he said anything more, my heart would warm completely, and I would end up lowering the walls. "No" he said firmly, "questioning you like that made it seem like I thought you weren't capable. It's not about that" he looked at me confidently, his hazel eyes fixed on me, almost making me shiver.

I didn't want to know what else it was about because that would hurt my already wounded heart more, so I sent the curiosity to the deepest place in my mind and gagged it with all my might.

"It's okay, Azriel" I smiled slightly, "Apologies accepted" I took my backpack, ready to leave this house once and for all and sink into self-pity while freezing to death in the Ilyrian mountains.

"I still think it's a bad idea for you to go alone" he blurted out once I had turned my back, causing me to freeze in place.

"We've talked about this, you know I can do it." I took one more step before his voice sounded again, "I'm not saying no, just maybe…"

"Azriel, I really don't want to have this discussion again, please" I interrupted quickly. I didn't want him to offer. I couldn't let him, because then I wouldn't know what my reaction would be, and it would give me away.

"You're being irrational, you know?" he shook his head in a resigned tone.

Well, thank Mother he didn't insist further. I released the breath I was holding, and I supposed he realized that I wouldn't give in this time. Not even for him, despite the fact that, in the last few centuries, the word 'no' was never in my vocabulary when it came to Az.

"Maybe" I waved my hand without turning, "See you later, shadow singer."

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That same afternoon, I was already settled in the rundown room of the tavern. I had to persuade the owner to give me the most decent place possible, and honestly, if this was the best he could offer, I'd take it. It was either this or sleeping on the outskirts of the camp freezing my butt off.

I wrinkled my nose as the smell of mold burned my nostrils. By the Cauldron, Rhys had made me too spoiled.

"Y/N" I heard a voice in my mind.

Speaking of being spoiled…

"I can hear that" the voice spoke again.

I smiled softly. "Of course. Oh mighty High Lord" I replied mockingly.

"I'm glad to see you're in better spirits, Y/N" he responded, also teasing, and my smile faltered. A hint of humor seeped into my mind, and I realized that's what he wanted: to mess with me.

"Don't you have a mate to attend to, Rhys? Instead of bothering me?" I retorted sharply.

"Feyre is very well taken care of by me, thank you for your concern. And to answer your other question, you promised a nightly report" he remarked in that tone of superiority.

Right. "Well, there's not much to update. I'll be staying in that tavern near the camp, a bit off the beaten path to avoid suspicion. And most people here don't know me, so everything should be fine. Tomorrow I'll inquire more about the deaths of those females. A curious outsider at first, and by nightfall, I'll have answers. It shouldn't take more than three days" a touch of approval filled my mind, and I smiled slowly.

"Let me know if you encounter any problems, Y/N" Rhys paused before asking, "Is everything okay?"

I knew what he meant, and I knew I could tell him because Rhys wouldn't say a word. But opening that little crack would make everything come to light, would make me collapse, and this wasn't the time or place. So I responded with a joke instead, "No, Rhys, this room smells terrible, and the food is tasteless."

His laughter filled my head. "I didn't know you had become so spoiled aside from lazy," he said in a soft tone, and I understood… I understood that Rhys knew I was lying, but he was letting it go to avoid pressuring me. He had noticed my mood at dinner the night before, my need for space, and yet, he had decided not to comment on it.

My heart warmed; I would give my life for him, for my entire family in general.

"Thank you, Rhys" I tried to pour all my gratitude into that simple phrase, but I knew it wouldn't be enough. "For everything" I paused. "Now, go to your neglected mate before I go kick your butt myself."

His laughter filled my head again before disappearing completely, leaving me alone with the thoughts swirling in my mind.

What was that earlier with Az? When I left, he seemed concerned. I understood his position; he didn't want me to come alone in case something went wrong, especially knowing how much I detested the Ilryos for their harsh customs.

Maybe that's all it is. What else could it be? After all, I was almost as well-trained as the three of them. However, Az was the one who had been most reluctant to let me go alone. And what if…

No. I forced myself not to consider any other possibility that gave me hope. Because I had seen it, I had seen how comfortable he was with Elain, and how today, before I left, he made an effort not to touch me even a single inch.

A familiar pain filled my chest, so strong that it forced me to hug myself tightly as I wrapped myself in the blankets of the bed.

Perhaps, this was how it was meant to be. Three brothers with three sisters. There was no place for me in that equation.

And yet, I couldn't help but think of the times his eyes softened at my poor attempts at baking, even though it tasted like crap and not even Cassian could stomach it, Az would eat the entire portion. Or when in training, my muscles were so stiff that I just wanted to drop to the ground, and he provoked me, knowing what to say to touch the competitive fibers within me, forcing me to get up because he wouldn't let my pride be trampled upon. Even the times he played dirty to make me lose a fight, he knew what to do to distract me.

But none of that mattered. Not when he was with Elain.

It hurt, of course it hurt. It's not like I had been displaced from my place beside him. It's just that seeing him with the Archeron sister made me realize that I wasn't indispensable, he could be fine without me. That's why I had distanced myself, for my own good, for the sake of my feelings, of the unrequited love, and for… their sake.

That I couldn't have Az didn't mean I wouldn't let him be happy with someone else.

And by distancing myself, I supposed I had unintentionally done the same with the others. That's why I had missed some training sessions, why I had stopped going to some family dinners, because it hurt to see him. I knew Cassian was worried, I had seen it in his eyes, and for Rhys, it would be as easy as delving into my mind to know, but he would never do that.

I knew they would let me deal with whatever was happening in my own way, that's why they didn't pressure me, none of them, not even Mor, until I was ready to talk.

And that thought made me realize that I wasn't trying hard enough. I had felt lonely because I had unjustly pushed them away. When I got back home, I would make sure to do my part, I would try to be happy for Az and Elain, I would stop skipping training sessions and dinners to avoid crossing paths with him.

I loved him, and seeing him with someone else hurt me, yet I wouldn't let that affect my relationship with my family. I would pay attention to conversations during meals, I would no longer be a ghost. I had finished with self-pity.

However, I still felt glad to have volunteered to participate in this mission; they deserved all the peace they had, and if I could provide them with more time of tranquility by doing these things, I would. I would postpone everything for as long as possible and offer to go anywhere. And with that last thought in mind, I let sleep take over me and slept peacefully for the first time in months.

@going-through-shit @isa1b2h3 @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @willowpains @mariahoedt @charlotteintumbleland

#acotar #azriel #azriel x reader #bat boys #i dont know what im doing

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itsjunear · 2 months

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✨🩷🌙 SEND THIS TO OTHER BLOGGERS YOU THINK ARE WONDERFUL. KEEP THE GAME GOING ✨🩷🌙

It really brightens my day 😭 Honestly, I'd forward it to you, but I'm still learning how to use Tumblr HAHAHA

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itsjunear · 3 months

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"Hidden feelings"

Az x reader

Warnings: None, mention of loneliness, death and a little anger.

Note: Hello again! Thank you for taking the time to read me. I'm sorry if this is a disaster again, English is not my first language but I do what I can. Maybe I'll do a second part, I don't know yet. Again, thanks for reading even though I may not be very good at this.

I was listening to this song while writing this and I really loved it.

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"Was it a good idea to come today?"

I shrunk a little in my seat and swallowed hard. Of course, it had been a good idea; I was with my family. With mine, I reminded myself.

However, I couldn't help but feel a little... alone.

Rhys was in front of me, laughing at the story Feyre was telling him about one of the children attending painting classes in her studio, and Amren watched her amusedly with a glass of wine in her hand.

Cassian was at one end of the room, engrossed in listening to Nesta's account of how the Valkyries' training had gone while she adjusted a lock of his hair.

And Az... the shadow singer was chatting with Elain, who smiled sweetly at him, and she talked to him about the new flowers she was planting in the front part of the house, in her lovely garden.

My heart squeezed a little, and I approached the window.

I gazed at the view; the lights twinkled cheerfully across the city, quite contrary to my mood. I sighed and took a sip of wine. Mor was visiting the Winter Court, so I had no one to get drunk with, even though I was very sure that anyone would have agreed to the request. They wouldn't have asked questions; they wouldn't have asked why I desperately needed to drown myself in drunkenness; they would have simply accompanied me.

But I didn't want to interrupt; I didn't want to ruin their states of... happiness.

They deserved it after all; each one deserved whatever moments of happiness they had, and I didn't want to take that away from them.

I discreetly turned my gaze back to the shadow singer, and a deep pain invaded my heart. There was no trace of Az's shadows, who was smiling at Elain in a way that felt very genuine. And she returned the gesture. Part of me could understand it, the sweet Elain, who could resist her? She was so delicate, so kind, and she had won everyone's heart.

She wasn't to blame for any of my feelings; she wasn't to blame for my secretly being in love with the shadow singer for over three hundred years and never having told him. That was my fault.

"Maybe you should stop looking at the window as if it were your enemy, or it will think you really hate it" Cassian joked beside me.

I turned my gaze to him and smiled slightly.

"I didn't see you at training today," said as he gently squeezed my arm as a show of affection. I shrugged, feigning indifference. "I wasn't feeling well."

Lie. I hadn't gone because it hurt to look at Az; I knew he would be there, and I... well, maybe it wasn't entirely a lie; I did feel a little unwell. Not physically, of course.

Cassian put an arm around my shoulder and looked at me with concern. "Is everything okay?"

No. Yes.

I forced a smile on my face, convincing enough not to ruin his evening. "Yes, Cass. It's nothing," I downplayed it. "A little food will cheer me up." Cassian smiled slightly, but the concern didn't vanish from his eyes.

I had never told anyone about my crush on Az. No one. And I supposed I had hidden it enough not to raise suspicions.

"Well, I'll tell them it's time to eat, or you'll get grumpy," he said. I laughed a little as I nudged Cassian lightly. Minutes later, we were all seated in the dining room.

Rhys had sat next to me, followed by Feyre. "May I know why you've become so lazy that we now need to schedule an appointment to see you?" a voice spoke in my mind. I smiled without looking at Rhys as I served myself some salad. "I have a very busy schedule, High Lord," I replied aloud. Rhys raised an eyebrow, but he didn't press further.

Grateful that he didn't ask more questions, I looked up only to meet Az's eyes staring at me intently. I smiled slightly as I watched his shadows swirl behind him and coil around one of his round ears.

Okay, maybe I had been avoiding everyone a little, it's just that I didn't want to infect them with my bad mood. And I didn't want to hurt myself more by seeing Az with Elain.

The shadow singer continued to look at me, and I furrowed my brow. "Do I have something?" I asked. "Aside from a bad mood, nothing," Cassian teased as I kicked him under the table before hissing. Nesta chuckled softly.

The conversation flowed slowly; everyone conversed with everyone, and I simply listened. I enjoyed the naturalness with which Feyre laughed at a bad joke from Cassian and the way Rhys howled when Amren teased him afterward. I even enjoyed the dessert Elain had prepared, complimenting her on how delicious it had been. But I never looked at the shadow singer. I didn't want to torture myself anymore; I didn't want to hurt my heart anymore when I thought about how much I longed to be close to him. So, for my own sake, I resisted sneaking glances at him.

Then something Rhys said caught my attention. "... happened on the outskirts of an Illyrian camp. It ended in the death of four females." Horrified, I looked at him. "I didn't get any coherent or hole-free answers about what might have actually happened," anger emanated from him, from the rage that tinged his voice, I could assume he was quite frustrated with the situation. Feyre put her hand on his, trying to reassure him.

My friends deserved peace; they deserved these moments of peace. So, I didn't think twice before offering myself. "I'll go, Rhys."

"No," Az said quickly, his voice firm.

Cassian looked at him but didn't say anything, apparently in agreement.

Maybe it was anger that surged through my spine and made me act like an idiot. "I wasn't asking for permission," I spat out each word slowly. The shadow singer tensed as he frowned, the shadows behind him stirring. "It's very dangerous."

This time it was definitely anger boiling under my skin; I wanted to go on this mission so they could continue to be at peace, but also to get away from him. I needed a break from thinking about his eyes, from thinking that every part of him seemed beautiful to me. Even the hands he hated. "I'm old enough to make that decision," I simply said.

"I'll go with you."

I felt my whole-body tense.

"No" Az gave me a hurt look, and I regretted behaving like this, but I needed to get away. To distance him. "I can do this alone; the others need you here," I added quickly.

"Rhys," I called. He looked at me a little indecisive, debating whether to side with his brother or mine. He looked at Feyre, and I guessed they had a conversation mind to mind as they usually did when they had to make a decision.

"Alright. But you'll report in every day," Feyre concluded. I smiled gratefully, and she returned the gesture, although concern also shone in her eyes.

The room filled with tension.

"She's not a spy," Az declared with a frosty look.

"Enough, Azriel," I said irritably.

Why did he insist so much on this? I was perfectly capable of doing it. I had gone on more dangerous missions and come out unscathed. This shouldn't be so complicated, and I felt that justice needed to be served for those four dead females. Cassian cleared his throat, bringing me back to reality in my seat, and I looked at Rhys with a polite smile. "I'll leave at dawn tomorrow. You'll get a report in the evening,"

Rhys nodded, and dinner ended without any further incident. However, I felt the intense gaze of the shadow singer on me for the rest of the night, until I fell asleep on the couch while some continued to drink.

In the midst of unconsciousness, I felt warm hands lift me up and a hard chest brush against my body. Drowsily, I buried my head in the crook of the neck of the one carrying me and relaxed when a familiar pine scent enveloped me. He gently laid me down on the large bed and took off my shoes almost reverently.

I might have imagined it, but I clearly felt how before leaving, he placed a kiss on my hair and closed the door, leaving me engulfed in darkness.

#acotar #azriel #azriel x reader #bat boys #i dont know what im doing #Spotify

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