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lonely-lesbian-dumbass · 2 years

Text

You are not a burden

pairing: matt murdock x f!reader

words: 2306

warnings: Hard of Hearing character (based on my own experiences as a HoH person), fluffy fluff, jokes about using the “disability” card, other lighthearted Blind and HoH jokes, this also comes from an AU my bestie and i made where Criminal Minds is lowkey in the same universe we’re interns with the BAU and she is with reid and im with matt oops maybe we’ll share more idk, vulnerability from the author (ew), matt being the absolute king he is

a/n: in which the author, me, finally writes a self indulgent piece. i had a really hard time deciding which perspective to write this in but i decided to keep it in first person because this is in fact something i wrote for myself. there’s no use of names so feel free to change the POV in your head. but i wrote this about my own experiences and it’s really a love letter to matt murdock. i fell in love with Daredevil because, for the first time, i saw a character who didn’t let their disability be a burden. it gave him his strength. that’s something i didn’t grow up with. so here is me being open about my own path and in a way, showing you just how i see matt. thanks DD for reminding me i’m not a burden and that you can joke and live with it instead of hiding it away and denying help. but also, sir you gotta listen to your own advice.

•-•

My morning routine was quite simple…

Roll out of bed at 7am, threatening to throw the phone at the wall for waking me up at such a god awful time

Make my way to the kitchen where the much needed caffeine found itself

Start the espresso machine. Usually, I chose one shot, but today, even three wouldn't be enough.

Eat whatever I can find in the pantry because I most likely haven't gotten groceries in over a week (praying I refilled the bagel assortment).

Make my coffee; two shots of espresso, half and half, vanilla flavoring and a pinch of cinnamon.

Get dressed for work; Business attire was required however the boss never minds the occasional jeans with a cardigan combo.

This routine lasted a good bit and always left me ready to leave for work by 8:15am. However mornings with Matt never let me be punctual. This altered my morning routine just a tad bit.

Roll out of bed at 7:25 after finally ripping myself out of Matt’s arms.

Make my way to the kitchen, leading the blind to where the caffeine is (it’s much needed with the fact that we didn't get much sleep).

Start my espresso machine. Prepare to make two cups.

Attempt to impress my boyfriend by making a nice breakfast with eggs, bacon and bagels (never ends up having two of those options so we decide on everything bagels).

Get tangled up in Matt’s arms as we drink the coffee I made us (little does Matt know he always drinks out of a mug I got him that says “Handsome Devil”. It’s my secret).

Get dressed for work; decide on wearing a nice silk blouse with the pencil skirt because it’s Matt’s favorite material and he always has the cutest reaction to it “Silk? Good choice, you should wear silk more often. It's as close to your soft skin as it gets” and usually ends with him embracing me once more so I can't escape.

This morning was no different in the sense that it was 8:15 and I still found myself in the embrace of my boyfriend. His head was nuzzled in the crease of my neck, his favorite place as it allowed him to feel and hear my heartbeat more clearly, arms wrapped lazily around my waist. I had one hand on his back and the other in his hair as we slightly swayed back and forth.

“I hate when you have to leave while I’m here.” He mumbled in my neck.

“I know. I’m sorry, love. But it’s the same when I’m at your place. I don’t want to leave either.”

“You don’t have to, you know?”

“Have you met my boss?” I questioned, ruffling his hair a bit as I pulled away, intending to grab my bag. He gets what I’m trying to do and pulls me back in, this time my head is against his chest.

“I have and he loves me. Just tell him you have a meeting with your lawyer and it's important because he's only in Quantico once a month.”

“Pfft, who also happens to be my boyfriend. I’m pretty sure there’s something called a Conflict of Interest? Technically Foggy is my lawyer and I don’t see him here.” I pulled back again, kissing him in reassurance.

“Fine, leave me then. What else is there for me, a sad blind man, to do while his girlfriend is gone?” He placed a hand over his chest and pouted his lips. The pity party was amusing.

“Not the blind card. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Tell them I needed assistance making my way around town. I’ll sue them for denying me accessibility.”

“Smart choice, sue the FBI.”

“I’m a lawyer, sweetheart. I can win.”

“You're also the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen and using the blind card will only get you so far. I work with profilers for a living, let’s not draw too much attention to that.”

“I’m not the only one who uses a disability card! What happened when you were in New York and you told Foggy I was too busy helping the Deaf to go in for work? I don’t think it’s fair.”

“Okay I didn’t say Deaf…”

“But you did say, “basically deaf when I don't wear my hearing aids'' which you were going to leave without them anyways.” He shrugs, a small bit of disappointment lingers in his voice and the tone changes in the room.

This back and forth was typical in our relationship. I lead the blind and he leads the Hard of Hearing. What a pair we make. I lost 40% of my hearing when I was a baby so I subconsciously adapted and made up for the sounds I couldn’t hear. The same way that when Matt became blind, he learned to use his other senses to make up for his sight so much that he can be more productive as a human being than someone with 20/20 vision. When I wear my hearing aids, it's almost as if I gained back 30% of my hearing. The problem however, I never used to wear them as a kid. I would take them out the second I got on the bus and would refuse any accommodations. I wanted to be normal. This created a horrible habit or lack of when it came to wearing them. It wasn’t until I met Matthew that I started embracing my impairment, but it didn’t mean old habits disappeared.

With a heavy sigh, I walked back to my room where my hearing aids sat. They were obviously charged as they haven't been taken off the charger in a month since the last time Matt was here. Taking them out of the charging pod, I placed them into my ears and tried to hide the grimace of discomfort shown on my face. The problem with not wearing your hearing aids often means when you do, the foreign object does nothing but give you discomfort.

When the speakers came to life, the world was louder. Now, I could hear the slight drone that layered over the city outside my walls. There were birds outside of the apartment that I didn’t notice normally. It was like the whole city was awake now that I finally mustered the courage to listen to it. It was almost too loud for me. It’s like if you lived your entire life on volume level 2 and all of the sudden it was level 8. It was almost too much to function sometimes because the sounds were overwhelming.

I could hear the wood creaking underneath Matt’s feet as he quietly entered the bedroom. Normally I wouldn’t hear him until he was right up behind me. It's a part of the vigilante boyfriend package. Coming up behind me, he put his hands around my arms and slightly caressed them. He knew what it was like to feel overwhelmed by the sounds around you. He just had more practice controlling it.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Just listen to my voice and take a few deep breaths. You just need to adjust.” It usually took a few minutes before this level of hearing would be comfortable. The discomfort would last about thirty minutes before you forgot they were in your ears.

“God, I hate this.”

“I know.”

“I try to act as if my hearing is not as bad as it really is. But wearing my hearing aids always reminds me just how shitty it is.” I laid my head back on his shoulders, a heavy sigh leaving my chest.

Denial was the easy route. I always took it. When I was younger, I’d refuse Close Captions and sit in the back of the classroom out of spite. I learned to ignore the bullying because theyre the stupid ones cause I’m not deaf, I hear perfectly fine. I hated getting called out of class for speech therapy. I always made sure I had straight A’s in class so teachers wouldn’t give me a second thought. If I wore my hearing aids, I’d style my hair down so they weren't seen. Denial was always the easiest route. Especially when you told yourself others have it worse.

“It’s shitty because it gives you a glimpse of what it could be normally. Sometimes I wish I was born blind so I never had a taste of what I miss now. Every morning when I open my eyes, part of me hopes I’d see the ceiling, or look over and see the sun glistening on your skin, maybe I’d even get to see your smile. It's easy to deny when you tell yourself you're fine. Sure my other senses help me see the world more clearly than most. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t stop me from praying to God I could see the sun rise one more time or see your face when you laugh. Man, I love hearing you laugh.” His arms wrapped around my shoulders and I held onto his forearm, trying to hold back tears. I failed. There it was again.

Others have it worse, who were you to complain.

“Okay well now I feel bad complaining to a blind man” you laughed, wiping a tear. Lighting up the conversation.

“You never have to feel bad. Your struggles are real struggles. It doesn’t need to be a certain level of extremity to be considered worse. Never compare yourself to anyone else. You always put everyone’s needs in front of yours and you are scared to ask for help or admit your struggling. Never be afraid to let me in and tell me what you're struggling with. I might not be able to take it away from you but I promise to always be there for you just like you always are for me.” I turned around and pulled him back into a hug. He happily accepted it, taking one of the curls from my hair into his hand and coiling it around his finger. An acknowledgement to the fact that he couldn't run his hands through my curly hair when it took me thirty minutes and a handful of gel to tame it for work.

“I love you, Matty.”

“I love you, too.” He kissed my temple and added some space between us. “What time is it?” My watch lit up saying it was 8:45.

“Shit, He is gonna kill me.”

“Again, we’re allowed to pull the disability card” He shrugged. I slightly punched his chest.

“Shut up, Murdock. You don’t have one. It was taken away from you when you became superhuman.”

“I’m not superhuman.”

“Sometimes you spook me out with the things you can do” I began walking back to the main living area.

“Like what?” Matt asked, following behind me.

“Like how you knew I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids without any physical proof.” I argued.

“I couldn't hear the feedback from the speakers when I hugged you earlier. They always make a really high pitch noise when I hug you if you’re wearing them. Your speech is less clear too when you don’t wear them. It’s not that noticeable to a normal ear, but you speak more clearly with them on.”

“Exactly! That’s spooky, that's a frequency only dogs and superhumans can hear.” I said, grabbing my bag once again and throwing it over my shoulders. I laughed off the comment about my speech as it was an insecurity of mine. I knew Matt meant well so it was a chance for me to not hold onto it. With a smirk that never seems to leave his face, Matt closed the space between us again.

“But you love me” he was almost singing the phrase to me. Swinging us back and forth.

“Yes I do, but I also love having a job. I will be back around six, okay? We can go to that Thai place you liked when I get back.” He kissed my forehead before giving me a peck on the lips.

“That sounds amazing. And hey… I don’t want to pressure you or feel like I'm getting onto you. I just know wearing them is a habit you need to create because it will help you not feel as stressed and burnt out all the time. It’s okay to depend on something that helps you feel better. I love you and I always want you to feel comfortable with yourself. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are kind. A disability is not a hindrance. You are not a burden okay? I’m a hypocrite I know. But you deserve the love you give me and everyone around you. I love you. Now go tell your boss about that meeting with your annoying lawyer, okay?”

Crying and laughing was not in my plan for this morning but here I was, wiping off my fresh mascara. I almost called right then and there and told my boss I wasn’t coming in. But tomorrow was my actual day off and i needed to go work and apply the words Matt told me.

“You always know what to say. You’re an angel, Matt.”

“Really? I’ve only heard the exact opposite lately.” His smile somehow got wider. The creases next to his eyes become visible. I didn’t see his eyes most of the time because he hid them behind his own shield.

“I love your eyes. Especially when you smile, Matt. I don't know why you always hide them.” Now his face was just as red as his glasses.

“Come here, sweetheart.” The kiss was so gentle yet so intense. A silent thank you.

“I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll hear you later.”

The time I had with Matt wasn’t much. Between the distance, my job, Matt’s job, Daredevil… We only saw each other once or twice a month. But when we are blessed with moments together, they never fail to make me want more. They remind us just how sacred the little things are. It’s so important to hold onto the people that care for you, don't judge you, and love you for who you really are. It’s those kinds of people that show you how to love yourself.

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