mutilationeer

[mutilationeer]

an Italian wife wakes up in a cold sweat to her Italian husband

the husband in a cold sweat asks her what's wrong

"I dreamt our son was a professional pasta breaker"

#shitpost #idk lmao #random

[mutilationeer]

My cats have this meow that means "please come with me to fix this" after which they'll lead me to the problem in question, usually a empty (or 'empty') food bowl or a closed door they want open. They look at the 'problem', they look back at me, clear message.

What fascinates me is how this illustrates what they percieve as being in the realm of my 'power.' I control the food, I control the door, sure, but my cats love to sit on the balcony in the sun, and it has happened plenty of times that on a rainy day they come get me, go to the balcony and show me... the rain. "Please fix this" they say. "Please get rid of the wet"

"Silly kitty," I say, "I can't control the rain." I then walk into the shower and turn on the rain.

[mutilationeer]

Why

Why do I cry so unbelievably loud,

Why do I cry at all,

Why do I cry so much,

I don't think my parents would be proud.

Why do I wish for the sweet release of death,

and then think I'd rather live instead,

just a few tears from my eyes,

are enough to make me question why.

Why keep on living if life is this way,

Why live if we're going to die anyway,

my life isn't the worst, it's nowhere near it,

I'm just a spoiled piece of shit,

I've had enough.

I just want it to stop.

#bpd #poetry #mypoetry #poem #actually bpd #poems #my poems #depression poetry #self h@te #tw sui ideation #actually mentally ill #original poems

[mutilationeer]

Monochromatic

Everytime this happens, I feel the same way again,

like being pulled back to my past self,

I enclose myself in my den.

Feelings going rushing in my head,

I feel the heat of the situation,

I know I'm long dead,

I've felt it before a million times,

My brain already locked in it's intentions.

An episode in a show that I can't stop watching,

if I could I'd just leave,

I wouldn't even watch it for the movie,

but that sweet peace is but a dream.

I'm spouting whatever nonsense flows through my brain,

whatever ideas I can comprehend,

I'm just finding something with the little time I can spend,

I already know how this'll end.

The switch has been flipped, another me has been seen,

The world's colours once white now black,

oh how long it has been,

and once more I will return to the white pristine.

but not today.

#actually bpd #bpd #bpd poetry #depression poetry #depression #my poems #poetry #original poems #mypoetry #actually mentally ill

[mutilationeer]

[mutilationeer]

is that a cigarette in you pocket or is yr penis narrow and full of nicotine and in my mouth ten times a day more if I've been drinking

[mutilationeer]

you can’t hear it but my brain is constantly yelling at me telling me i’m a bad person

[mutilationeer]

Confusion (giving up)

I don't know what life is anymore,

personally I'm on the verge of forgetting,

forgetting the past,

forgetting the future

forgetting all the happiness,

and all my heart's sutures.

when the hatred turns to love,

and love to hatred,

such a confusing life,

I've come to hate it.

at the press of a button,

at the flick of a switch,

everyone and their dad,

becomes the world's biggest bitch.

(I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT, WHY IS HE ACTING NICE TO ME, WHY DOES ANYONE ACT NICE TO ME, I DONT IT, GET EVERYONE AWAY FROM ME, I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS, I DONT DESERVE ANYTHING, PLEASE YELL AT ME, SCREAM AT ME, SHOUT AT ME)

(this is not promoting self harm, if you are suffering with self harm or any related issues please seek professional help)

#bpd #poetry #poem #mypoetry #poems #actually bpd #my poems #self h@te #tw self destruction #self h@rm #depression poetry #bpd thoughts #bpd vent

[mutilationeer]

Loop

The days have no meaning,

they just keep on repeating,

screaming,

I cry out while I smile,

I'm weeping but not for a while.

Every moment feels so temporary,

every feeling so short,

one moment I bear the weight of my entire life,

the next it feels like I haven't spent a moment in strife.

The moment I leave the room it feels so empty,

like my heart is going to explode,

but whenever enter back in,

I feel trapped,

encased in a dome,

with the air spilling out my lungs,

and none to breathe from around me.

I feel trapped,

encased in my own home.

You're a God,

you're my God,

and you're the reason for my suffering,

you've given me mercy,

and then you've hurt me,

all the pain I've gotten,

all the pain forgotten.

(wish I were dead <3)

#bpd #poetry #poem #mypoetry #poems #actually bpd #my poems #poems on tumblr #original poems #depression poetry #depression #actually mentally ill

[mutilationeer]

[mutilationeer]

enjoyment is dead all hail sleeping 12 hours a day

#depression

[mutilationeer]

he’s probably thinking of other girls

hes thinking of the ANULET 🧭

[mutilationeer]

Rant #01

Hopefully I won't have to do more of these or at least not too often, it's kinda bright out so I have to type this awkwardly because I fucking hate looking at my own reflection on my phone screen.

it feels like I have no friends even though I actually do, I can talk to them about whatever the hell I want but still I just keep wanting more.

I hate interpersonal relationships so much, I don't feel like talking to anyone and yet I want to talk to someone right now, I don't even know what I want tbh.

I want to do something because my subconscious says so, there's just nothing I want to do, if I do something then I'll probably get happier, become blissfully unaware because of the stupid fucking drug that happiness is, even if my future self reads this and finds it cringe, I hope he'll at least know that thing were different back then.

I can't do anything on my computer, if I play games I feel like I'll waste time, if I do coding I'll feel drained and fake, if I study I'll probably also feel fake or maybe even happy (fucking gross, I know right?) if I try learning guitar again I'll probably have to trim my nails, making me not like another part of my body, and on top of that I'll probably feel like I'm achieving something again, if I sleep I'll be wasting time, the only thing I can do is scroll my phone, cut myself, masturbate, and pray that a meteor somehow instantly appears and ends me.

#bpd #bpd vent #actually bpd #depression #tw sui ideation

[mutilationeer]

Olympics Of Suffering

I have but one thing in life,

only one thing that makes me feel whole,

the only thing in my life,

the thing that makes my heart feel like a hole.

Olympics Of Suffering,

if suffering is my only purpose,

I must be the greatest at it,

the jealousy you feel towards others,

like a bronze finalist to a gold,

but an odd variation,

or so I've been told.

My heart tightens at seeing someone suffer,

wishing I was worse off,

hating myself for not being so,

I can never get enough,

not until my heart is nil

no matter how much I suffer,

I just can't get my perfect fill.

I must be at the lowest of the low,

I must suffer more than I can hold,

I must cry until on my own tears I choke,

Olympics Of Suffering gold medal,

lo and behold.

#poem #poetry #bpd #mypoetry #poems #self h@te #depression #depression poetry #actually bpd

[mutilationeer]

Knife

There's this stabbing piercing pain in my chest,

even with thousands of cuts on my wrist,

and many more on my legs,

the knife stabbing my heart is the one that hurts the best.

The pain suffocates me,

I can't breathe nor think,

but the pain also gives me purpose,

a life without pain is one lived in vain.

"Despair is the only thing that makes me happy,

happiness from being sad,

though ironic,

is the happiness that I want to have."

The fool says, gashing out chunks of skin,

from his arms and legs,

tearing out chunks from within,

a bloody corpse on the floor,

a sight many would abhor,

is all he wants to be,

in his dreams, it's all he sees.

The idiot with legs that stumble like a newborn fawn,

the idiot whom to despair he is drawn,

destroying his body makes him happy,

leaving this world he would do gladly.

The cuts bring him joy,

as he draws a smile with his blade,

the grin covered in blood,

but outside of everyone's gaze.

He himself has no idea why he stays,

why he laughs to jokes of others,

why he enjoys spending time,

why he has respect for his mother and father,

"they treated me so nicely, I have a place to stay,

I have no hardships, they gave me no pain"

they yell at him yet another day.

two sides of the same coin,

one black and one white.

I am deserving of all the pain I feel,

all the anguish and suffering,

the overwhelming despair forcing me to kneel,

I don't deserve to be joyful, or to be happy in the slightest,

every bit of happiness only brings me pain,

like a drug I abuse knowing it's wrong,

the addiction just like the neverending monsoon rain.

I hate it every moment so I stay indoors,

hating myself instead.

#poetry #mypoetry #poems #my poems #bpd #actually bpd #parent problems #self h@te #depression poetry #depression

[mutilationeer]

Rant about current life

I just want to cut myself, tear my arms off, break my knuckles on the wall, cry until my throat feels as dry as coal, I want to bleed on the floor in despair, I want to suffer, but life just won't let me, with everything on my fucking ass I just want to return back to when I could do all of these without needing to hide them like smoking cigarettes in secret at the balcony late at night, I'm tired of having to sneak in a knife every single time, I'm tired of not being able to sharpen it without suspicion, I'm tired of school and not being able to accomplish anything, I'm tired of not doing anything with my life, I'm tired of letting my parents down even if they say I haven't, even if I really haven't let them down in reality, I'm tired of failing and being this useless piece of shit, but the moment I get out of here I want to go back, I want my despair to stay, but I want the people to leave, I want to start a new life, without all these people, without having to care about interacting with them in the future, I just want someone to love and then everything else I want to be the same, even while I say this right now, is it really what I want? is it what I fucking want or am I just impulsive, am I just useless, am I just lonely? am I just spoiled? am I just young? I don't know anymore, all these things coupled with all of life

I'm just tired, I want more pain

#tw self destruction #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd #depression #bpd thoughts #vent #tw sui ideation #confused

[mutilationeer]

Retribution

I will cleanse this world,

of all that is wrong,

all its trash and useless people,

all its hatred and its evil.

Purge the sinner,

purge the saint,

purge all those,

who even slightly taint.

perfection is God's design,

we all must follow it,

line by line.

and to start with the grandest threat of all,

purge the lowest life scum of this world,

to purge myself,

this world will finally be whole

#poem #poetry #poems #mypoetry #bpd #depression #my poems