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olddirtybadfic · 2 days

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You Got Played: Bandit Keith Howard Must Die Inside (Part Five of Five)

In which I turn a Yu-Gi-Oh fic into a cheesy teen movie (that most teens wouldn't even be allowed into without a fake ID).

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here. Part four is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC slut-shames Kaiba; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; artistic liberties taken with medical technology

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, Kyra had her own plan.

Kyra didn’t care that Keith had sex with Kaiba; hell, she had cheated a few times, too. But for Kaiba to just steal Keith from her like that—that was completely unacceptable by her standards. She wasn’t going to let any trenchcoat-wearing, Blue Eyes White Dragon-loving freak steal her man.

So that afternoon, when she spotted Kaiba walking down the street, little brother in tow, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into an area surrounded by bushes and trees. Mokuba saw her grab Kaiba and followed them.

“What the hell?!” Kaiba exclaimed. As Kyra stopped dragging him, he tripped and ended up on the ground. Kyra looked down at him as if she was an arrogant princess and he was a lowly peasant.

‘No matter what you do, He’ll never wanna be with you. He’s into what he’s got (and that’s me), He loves me, He loves you not.’ (author's note: He Loves You Not - Dream)

Kaiba got up, brushed his clothes off, and glared at Kyra.

Kyra had heard Kaiba’s outburst about Keith cheating. She didn’t appreciate Kaiba’s attempt to get his man back.

“What is your problem?!” Kaiba shouted.

“I don’t appreciate you moving in on my man,” Kyra said, evilly, yet seductively.

“What?! He cheated on me with you!” Kaiba retorted.

Kyra shook her head. “Kaiba, you’re so wrong, you’re right. Don’t you realize that Keith never thought of you as a boyfriend? He looks at you as a whore.”

“Don’t call me a prostitute.” Kaiba’s voice got low and threatening, which would be pretty freaking scary if he snuck up on you in a dark alley. “I don’t go sleeping around with everyone and I didn’t get paid for what I did.”

“Well, I’m not gonna let a whore like you steal my boyfriend just because your damn condom popped!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, maybe you should because I had him first!” Kaiba retorted.

“That’s a heaping pile of bullshit! I had him first! I’ve had him for a whole month!” Kyra shouted.

Kaiba’s eyes went wide. Kyra sensed weakness and went in for the kill.

“So, how long have you been dating Keith, Kaiba?” Kyra asked.

Kaiba said nothing.

“Come on, Kaiba, tell me how long you two dated!” Kyra pressed, still smiling evilly.

“That is none of your business, Kyra,” Kaiba growled.

“Why don’t I go ask Keith myself? I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell me how long you two dated. Or should I ask Noah? And he’ll surely want to hear what you did with Keith after he tells me, won’t he?” Kyra taunted.

Kaiba turned red. “Do not test me, Kyra.”

“Then tell me how long you and Keith dated, damn it!”

“We dated for two weeks. Then he started to ignore me.”

“I knew it! I knew he couldn’t have been with you for that long! He only stayed with you long enough to get in your pants, which, since you’re such a whore, obviously wasn’t long!” Kyra laughed evilly.

“Hold up!” Mokuba walked into the clearing. “I don’t know much about this whole situation, but it seems like you two are getting mad at each other for no reason. I mean, you didn’t know that Seto was dating Keith. And Seto didn’t know that you were dating Keith. It seems to me that the real bad guy here is Bandit Keith. He played both of you like Nintendo 64.”

Kaiba and Kyra looked at each other, in silence, for a moment. Finally Kaiba spoke. “What do you propose we do about it, Mokuba?”

“I propose that you play him back.”

-O-o-O-

A few minutes later, Keith was walking through the park when he saw the most repulsive thing ever (in his opinion).

Kaiba and Kyra were French-kissing on a bench.

“What the fuck is this?!” Keith shouted when he saw them.

Kaiba and Kyra looked up at Keith, then turned back to each other and continued kissing.

“Don’t you turn away from me!” Keith pulled Kyra off of Kaiba. “What the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend, Kaiba?!”

“We’re kissing. Couldn’t you tell?” Kaiba deadpanned.

“Kaiba, there are a million other girls in Domino. Why’d you have to choose my girlfriend?!”

“He chose me because we’re both tired of getting played by you,” Kyra answered.

“What?!” Keith tried to play dumb.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, Bandit Keith. You made both of us believe that we were the only one you were dating. You just wanted to get in both of our pants and feel like you were some kind of sex king for it,” Kaiba said.

“But why are you complaining, Kaiba? You know you liked it,” Keith said, trying to grab Kaiba’s butt again. Kaiba not only pulled away violently, but kicked Keith off of himself. Keith grabbed Kaiba and, before Kaiba could do anything about it, he began to kiss Kaiba on the lips. Kaiba pulled away and spat on the ground.

“You taste like shit!” Kaiba shouted.

Keith only laughed at this. “I love it when you’re nasty, Kaiba. You’re so sexy when you’re mad.”

“Then I must be really sexy now, because you’re really pissing me off!” Mokuba had to hold Kaiba back before Kaiba could cause any bodily harm to Keith.

Then Kyra turned to Keith. “Y’know, you’re a real pig. First, you cheated on me. Then, you tricked Kaiba into sleeping with you and you treat him like a cheap whore. Then you plan to dump him when he’s having your kid. Pardon my French, but you’re an asswipe!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, you shouldn’t be complaining either. You’re a whole lot hotter than Kaiba, so I’ll always come back to you,” Keith said smugly.

“Not this time, Keith! You know that little thing between you and me that’s called a relationship? Yeah, about that: it’s over!” Kyra shouted.

Keith’s jaw dropped at least two inches. Kaiba walked over to him.

“Bandit Keith, if you play with fire, you just might get burned,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

After Keith had walked off, stupefied by what Kaiba and Kyra did, Mokuba, Kaiba, and Kyra shared a victory high-five.

“That was so great! You two really put Keith in his place!” Mokuba cheered.

“We sure did,” Kaiba said.

“Kaiba, I’m sorry I called you a whore. I didn’t mean it, you’re really not a bad guy,” Kyra said.

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “And I’m sorry I almost stole your boyfriend.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know he was dating me.”

As Kyra turned to leave, she said, “And you’re not a bad kisser either.”

Kaiba blushed. “Thanks.”

Later that day, Kaiba was walking down the street, alone. He was happy that he had put Keith in his place, but he was sad that Keith wouldn’t ever want to be with him. A part of him hated Keith and wanted him to drop off the face of the earth, yet another part of him wanted Keith to come back and take responsibility for his actions.

“What am I supposed to do with his child? I can’t raise it all by myself,” Kaiba thought. “And why would Keith want to do what he did? Why would he just take my virginity, then dump me like that? How could I be so stupid?!”

‘How you gonna up and leave me now? How you gonna act like that? How you gonna change it up? We just finished making up. How you gonna act like that?’

Kaiba reached his home. He went up to his room and lay down.

‘How you gonna act like we don’t be making love? You know we be tearing it up, breaking stuff, and getting rough. How you gonna trip, How can you forget? How you gonna act like that?’ (author's note: How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese)

Mokuba went into Kaiba’s room. He found Kaiba lying on the bed, staring into space.

“I can’t believe Noah was right, Mokuba. I acted like such a pompous idiot. He kept trying to warn me and I wouldn’t listen,” Kaiba whispered.

“Seto, you’re not an idiot. You were just being protective of your boyfriend because you loved him. It’s not your fault that Keith was a low-down cheater. You deserve someone better than him, anyway, so forget about him,” Mokuba said.

“But how can I forget about him?! I’m having his kid!” Kaiba growled.

“Don’t worry, Seto, we’ll figure something out. Everything will be okay,” Mokuba said, hugging Kaiba.

Noah heard their conversation and entered the room. “Are you okay in here?”

“Noah, you were right. I should’ve listened to you when you said that Keith was cheating on me. I’m a jerk,” Kaiba said.

“No, you’re not a jerk. I didn’t want to be right. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. I only wanted you to be happy,” Noah said.

Kaiba’s exhaled heavily. “Thanks,” he said, starting to smile again.

“But you say you’re having Keith’s child. How can you break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

Noah took a second to recover from this shocking news, then he responded, “He can’t, Mokuba. I’m going to go to Bandit Keith and force him to take responsibility for what he did.”

“You can’t do that, Noah. He’ll only end up cheating again,” Kaiba said.

Then, Mokuba thought of something that changed everything. “What if it’s not Keith’s?” he mused to himself.

He didn’t realize that Noah had heard him. “What did you say?”

Mokuba realized that he had said it out loud. “Uh, nothing?”

“It’s okay, Mokuba, he’d find out sooner or later, and I’d rather it be sooner than later,” Kaiba said. “I did it with Yugi, too.”

Noah stared at Kaiba in shock. “Did it ever occur to you that it could be Yugi’s child?”

“No, it didn’t. Because I started getting the symptoms after I did it with Keith. It couldn’t be Yugi’s kid,” Kaiba stated.

“Well, just to be sure, I’m taking you to the doctor to find out,” Noah said.

Due to amazing advances in technology (and the fact that this is just a fictional story), a machine had been invented so an expectant mother could tell who the father of the child was. All they would need was a sample of Yugi’s DNA.

They had their sample; it was a few strands of Yugi’s hair, taken from Kaiba’s trenchcoat. They knew it was Yugi’s hair because it was tri-colored and they made sure it was Yugi’s and not Yami’s.

“I’m telling you, it’s not Yugi’s child. You’re wasting your time, Noah,” Kaiba said, as they went to the doctor.

“I just want to be sure, Seto,” Noah said.

After the test, the doctor showed them the results. “Seto Kaiba, I have determined that the father of your baby is Yugi.”

“I knew it,” Noah thought.

“I can’t believe it,” Kaiba thought.

That night, Kaiba reflected on the events of the day, as he lay in bed. He had put his cheating boyfriend in his place, successfully broken the news about his situation to Noah, and found out who the true father of his child was.

“But will Yugi even look at me after I ran off yesterday? I bet he’s already moved on. He thinks that it’s Keith’s child. He probably thinks I’m a freak. That Blue Eyes underwear was a little weird,” Kaiba thought.

As Kaiba drifted off to sleep, he thought, “Where do I go from here?”

-O-o-O-

The next evening, Yugi decided to go to the park to listen to music. It was a nice, quiet day. The setting sun painted the sky brilliant shades of red and violet. Yugi listened to his portable tape player, admiring the nature while running through the park.

Kaiba, who had decided to stop moping around the house and go outside, was walking through the park, too. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the sunset that much.

It was getting dark. Yugi was wearing black as he walked toward Kaiba. Kaiba didn’t see Yugi and Yugi wasn’t really watching where he was going. The two ran smack into each other, knocking them both over.

“Oh, crap! I’m so sorry, Kaiba!” Yugi exclaimed, running over to help Kaiba up.

“Yugi, we’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” Kaiba said, smiling as he got up.

“I keep knocking you off your feet,” Yugi commented.

“In more ways than one,” Kaiba thought silently. He said out loud, “Yugi, I have to tell you something.”

Yugi looked up with interest. “So do I.”

“I love you, Yugi,” Kaiba said quickly.

Yugi stared at Kaiba. “That’s certainly different.”

“If you don’t love me back, I’ll understand,” Kaiba said, turning away.

“No, I do. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, too,” Yugi said.

“Really?” Kaiba asked.

“Really,” Yugi answered.

Yugi and Kaiba hugged.

“Yugi, I have something else to tell you. I’m pregnant with your child,” Kaiba said.

“But, I thought it was Keith’s child,” Yugi said.

“No. I was wrong. It’s yours,” Kaiba said.

“Then, maybe we can get married,” Yugi said.

They sat down on a bench.

“Do you wanna listen to music?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Yugi took out the tape player, put a tape in, pressed play.

As they listened to the music, Yugi remembered something that had happened in PE class. “Remember in PE when we had to learn the tango?”

Kaiba chuckled. “It was disastrous. The teacher paired us up and I was too tall to dance with you properly.”

“And I kept stepping on your feet,” Yugi added.

They listened to the music for a while. Suddenly, a song came on that got their attention.

‘Watch the band, Through a bunch of dancers. Quickly, Follow the unknown.’

“Our song is playing,” Yugi joked. “Let’s dance.”

“You think our dancing will be any better?” Kaiba asked.

“Well, I’ve gotten taller and I’ll try not to step on your feet,” Yugi said. “Let’s try the tango.”

“You don’t wanna do such a dance with me. I can’t,” Kaiba said.

“You’ll be fine,” Yugi said.

They began to dance. Kaiba was surprisingly good at it.

“You’re really good at this,” Yugi said.

Kaiba smiled. “Thanks, Yugi.”

They continued to dance in the final twilight of the setting sun.

‘Courage, my word, didn’t come it doesn’t matter. Courage, couldn’t come at a worse time.’ (author's note: Courage - Sarah Polley (I heard it in an episode of Charmed))

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to two-time a guy, make sure he's not better at card games than you.

#yugioh fanfiction #ygo dm #mpreg #seto kaiba x yugi muto #rivalshipping #seto kaiba #mokuba kaiba #yugi muto #bandit keith #kaiba brothers #noah kaiba #eliteshipping #seto kaiba x bandit keith #old fic #songfic

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olddirtybadfic · 2 days

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Invasion: The Day After (Part two of three)

In which teen!me attempts to write the aftermath.

Part one is here.

Content Warning: Violence; rape/noncon aftermath; character assassination of Buzz Grunt; depiction of the Beaker household as not being a den of unethical experimentation; Loki and Nervous are apparently adoptive brothers in this; attempted revenge; Buzz is ableist towards Nervous; attempt at depicting trauma responses

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next morning, Circe woke up early, an amazing feat, considering that neither she nor Loki had gotten much sleep the night before.

It’d taken Loki a while to calm down, but that was more than understandable, considering the situation. He’d accepted that he couldn’t take a shower until they went to the hospital to check him out. He didn’t like it, but he also accepted the idea that Circe wouldn’t be the only doctor examining him.

Then they’d settled into bed, thought they didn’t go straight to sleep. Circe desperately wanted to snuggle up to Loki, but after he’d rejected her embraces, she wasn’t sure how to go about it. It didn’t help that Loki lay there, stiff as a board, as if she were going to try to hurt him.

Loki hadn’t wanted to reject Circe’s advances. In fact, he was looking forward to coming home to his wife after that encounter. But every time she grabbed for him, he relived Buzz knocking him over and tying him up. Every time she tried to touch him, he felt Buzz’s hands on his skin. And then there was the pain and debilitating feelings of helplessness that followed.

He didn’t even notice how tense he was in bed until he saw Circe roll over out of the corner of his eye. That was right about when tensing his muscles wore him out and he fell asleep.

It didn’t end there. Neither Loki nor Circe slept for very long. For oe, Circe tossed and turned, thoughts of revenge on Buzz running rampant in her mind. Many of her dreams involved torturing Buzz, mostly by throwing him off the Beaker house.

In her tossing about, Circe would occasionally grasp Loki’s wrist and hold on. This caused Loki to awaken, screaming for Buzz to get off of him, no doubt because of some horrid nightmare he was having. His screaming woke Circe, who managed to calm him down. Then they were both back to lying in bed, with Circe not knowing what to do and Loki experiencing the living version of rigor mortis.

It got progressively worse until, as usual, Circe grabbed Loki’s wrist. Loki bolted up, screaming, but Circe, not fully awake and thinking, tried to push him back down into bed. Loki, also not awake, struggled to get away, still screaming. Circe was woken up by the second round of screaming; Loki was woken up by his own tears.

The only reason the two were able to get any sleep was because Circe gave it up and decided to spoon with Loki. That way, she didn’t toss, turn, and grab Loki’s wrists and Loki didn’t bolt upright or become reminded of the rape.

Circe looked at the clock: eight-thirty. Their appointment wasn’t for another hour and a half and the alarm would go off soon. She might as well get dressed.

The alarm went off while Circe was getting dressed. Loki reached a hand out from under the covers (somehow he’d gotten buried underneath them) and turned it off. He slid himself out from under the bedclothes and went to the dresser to get dressed.

As Loki dressed, Circe noticed, he kept his back to her and seemed to be trying hard to be inconspicuous, almost as if he were ashamed of his body. He’d done this the first few nights they were married, but he’d eventually grown out of it.

“Buzz really did a number on you, didn’t he?” Circe thought, half sadly, half angrily.

Circe looked across the hallway. She hadn’t seen Nervous all night. Come to think of it, she hadn’t heard him all morning, and he usually got up early. Today was his day off as well, so he couldn’t have gone to work.

“I’m sure he’ll turn up later today,” Circe thought. “He’s heard what happened and he’ll want to offer his support.”

-O-o-O-

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill your disgusting ass.”

Nervous was stronger than he looked, Buzz observed. And fast. He’d seen the boy coming and he still couldn’t stop him from pinning him to the floor, then wrapping his hands around Buzz’s neck.

“Are you off your meds, boy?” Buzz spat out. The hands around his neck gave a squeeze.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. What the fuck were you thinking, violating Loki like that? What were you trying to prove?” Nervous never once raised his voice, and that made it all the more unsettling.

“Why is it any of your business?” Buzz spat back.

“It’s my business because it’s my brother. I don’t know how things are in your family, but I take care of my own.”

“Why would you bother? If you were younger, you’d probably just get taken by the Social Worker again.”

The smack was expected, but it still hurt. However, Buzz was able to break free from Nervous, which of course, resulted in Nervous diving at Buzz, trying to take him down again. Buzz was prepared this time. Soon, the two were lost in a cloud of dust.

Pascal Curious was taking a jog through the neighborhood. Today was an unusually nice day; it was usually too cold this time of year for a jog.

As he was preparing to sprint towards the Grunt house, he saw a huge cloud of upset dust. A few fists could be seen and occasionally a foot appeared. Pascal shook his head. No doubt Buzz was fighting with Loki, yet again. Pascal continued to sprint.

But when he saw a flash of blue-black hair, he paused. “It couldn’t be…”

As Pascal approached the cloud, he realized he was sorely mistaken.

In a flash, Pascal managed to separate the two men and hold them apart.

“You don’t know shit about my family!” Nervous shouted.

“I know enough to say they’re all a few tacos short of a combo meal!” Buzz yelled back.

“What has gotten into you two?” Pascal shouted.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Buzz retorted, then stomped off into his house.

Pascal gaped after him, then turned to Nervous. “Walk with me.”

Nervous obeyed.

“What the hell was that back there? You were hitting and clawing like you aimed to kill him! What did he do that was bad enough to warrant murder?”

Nervous said nothing.

“God, what were you thinking? He could’ve killed you—he may have been laid off, but he’s still a trained General! You’ve hardly even been in a fight! Nervous, are you listening?”

Nervous stopped and looked Pascal dead in the eye. “Pascal, he’s a trained General, but I’m the son of Death himself. I’d never use my powers to kill people, but if Buzz got too violent, I would not have hesitated to knock him on his ass. I’ve been trained to fight, by my father, and I’m pretty sure he trumps Buzz’s father. And murder would be letting him off easy after what he did.” Nervous then continued to walk away, forcing a dumbfounded Pascal to follow.

-O-o-O-

“Well, the rape kit results are positive, not that we doubted it,” Abhijeet Cho announced to Circe. He cast a glance at Loki in the adjoining examination room. The man was sitting silently, head down, legs pressed together, absently twirling the end of the white hospital gown he wore. “Poor guy.”

Circe smiled inwardly. Abhijeet and Loki fought like dogs most of the time, but at least they could feel compassion towards each one another.

After informing Loki of his options (which he knew very well), the Beakers set off for home.

Circe tried to make conversation on the drive home. “So, the good news is, you can take a shower now.”

Loki stared out the window, looking lost.

Circe tried again. “Should we pick up morning after pills at the store?”

Loki dragged his eyes to look at Circe and gave a weak shrug.

“We’re already home, you know,” Circe said.

Loki looked out the window. They were.

“Have you noticed the hospital gowns aren’t open in the back anymore?” Circe tried humor to get any kind of reaction from Loki. She got a twitch of the mouth that was meant to be a smile, but lacked joy.

This was good enough for Circe. She got out of the car and went inside, Loki trailing behind.

“Nervous! If you’re here, we’re home!” she announced.

“In here,” a voice from the study answered.

Circe walked into the study and gasped. Loki’s eyes widened. Nervous had various bruises and scrapes on his face, neck, and arms.

“What happened to you?” Circe asked. That many bruises and scrapes could only mean one thing. But Nervous never did that….

“It’s nothing. I just got into a fight with Buzz,” Nervous answered with a scowl.

Loki sat down on the couch next to Nervous. “Did he do anything to you?”

“Well, he hit me a few times—”

“No. I mean did he….”

Nervous stared at Loki, then shook his head. “No. But if he did, he would’ve needed to go to the doctor, too.” Nervous made a move to put a hand on Loki’s shoulder, but thought better of it. “I couldn’t let that bastard get away with what he did to you. I saw the condition you were in. I couldn’t let him get away with it.”

Loki sighed. “I understand. I just worry about you sometimes.”

The three were silent. Nothing more needed to be said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Don't piss off the Son of Death.

#ts2 #the sims 2 #sims 2 stories #dark fic #loki beaker #buzz grunt #circe beaker #nervous subject #pascal curious #abhijeet cho #tw ptsd #tw sa mention #tw violence #dead dove do not eat

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olddirtybadfic · 4 days

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Head canon about Pinky and the Brain

They're part of an experiment in society-building and civilization creation.

The scientists genetically altered mice to be more intelligent so they could study how intelligent animals build societies and civilizations. They had to use mice because it's illegal to run such an experiment with humans and rodents were the easiest for them to work with. There may be more genetically-altered mice (and other rodents), but Pinky and Brain aren't aware of most of them.

At some point in the future, the scientists planned to relocate all the intelligent mice into an area on lab grounds where they could figure out how to build villages and form some sort of rodent government.

#pinky and the brain #patb #headcanon

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olddirtybadfic · 4 days

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So if there's a merperson (maybe with a seahorse tail), can they be vored on Friday or are they not fishy enough? And is it wrong to vore an mpregged merman? Or is it only wrong to vore them once they've gotten to the trimester where they're displaying seahorse mannerisms?

Also, if you vore mpreg seahorse Jesus, does he burst out of you like an alien after three days?

Tumblr is trying so hard not to let me post the funniest lent picture I've ever seen but I don't give up easy

#reblog #not safe for life #i have so many questions #i'm not sure if i want the answers

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olddirtybadfic · 5 days

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#reblog #me but only with the most cursed stories #fanfic problems #i once wrote a dead goodfeathers animaniacs fic in this manner #i also once wrote a dead dove sims 2 fic like this too #they will both end up on this blog by the way #all of my dead dove fics are written in this manner #none of my “respectable” fic comes out like this

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olddirtybadfic · 5 days

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hey I have an idea

Jolene, but what if....

It's Julia

#crack post #crack fic idea #pinky and the brain #patb #jolene #brinky #julia i'm begging of you please don't take my brain #don't brainwash him narf zort poit the pain #doesn't fit the meter #but fuck it we ball

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olddirtybadfic · 11 days

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My first Dark Pinky Thursday and I post narfcest.

#pinky and the brain #patb fanart #dark pinky #dark pinky thursday #narfcest #crack post #crack art #my artz

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olddirtybadfic · 12 days

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I agree.

(possibly gross elaboration involving elephants below cut, just to be safe.)

My favorite animals like to stick their trunks up each other's butts and eat what they find up there. While I, a human socialized into human society with human norms, might find this a little gross (and also pretty funny), I don't think it is immoral (and if you know anything about the digestive system of elephants and their general society, you could even argue that this is a necessary ritual for them). I certainly don't want to outlaw or punish elephants having a bit of an anal spelunking session with their herdmates.

It doesn't even lessen my liking for elephants.

You have to be at peace with the fact that not everything you find disgusting is immoral. There's no secret way out of it.

#reblog #cursed elephant facts #there is video evidence of this #look it up #or don't #it's not for everyone

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olddirtybadfic · 14 days

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so I just watched a few videos of rodents in heat

they chased each other around.

they played "Chase me!"

tell me tumblr, what game is it that Pinky's parents play in that one episode that Pinky later tries to play with Brain

#the mice were trying to smash #crack post #pinky and the brain #animaniacs #brinky #someone get me in contact with #the please please please get a life foundation

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olddirtybadfic · 15 days

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You Got Played: This Wouldn't Have Happened if They'd Brought Their Duel Disks (Part Four of Five)

All the drama in this fic and not one card game. Did teen!me even understand this show?

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg; Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; Yugi and friends go all Office Space fax machine on Bandit Keith; the 2004 is strong with this one

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, Mokuba noticed that Kaiba didn’t seem to be “completely there.” It was as if Kaiba was under a trance of sorts. He barely spoke, slept or ate.

And he didn’t smile. Not even a trace of a smirk could be seen on his face.

Noah hadn’t noticed because he was out, trying to get rid of his anger toward Keith.

Mokuba entered Kaiba’s room. “Seto, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Kaiba said, coldly.

“Seto, I know something’s wrong and it has to do with Bandit Keith. I’m gonna find out sooner or later, so you might as well just tell me now.”

Kaiba sighed. “Noah was right. I couldn’t tell that Keith was cheating on me. But now I see how he did it. We only went out during the night, so he could cheat in the daytime. When we did go out, we went to places where there weren’t a lot of people, so no one would see him cheating. He also made me keep it a secret so no one would know and be able to tell his girlfriend.”

“So, when are you gonna break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

“That’s the problem. I can’t,” Kaiba answered.

“Why not?”

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I just can’t, Mokuba!”

“You have to dump him because he cheated on you, Seto! Why won’t you tell me why you can’t?!”

“I can’t because I’m pregnant with his child, Mokuba! I can’t dump him while I’m having his child!” To Mokuba’s surprise, Kaiba’s eyes started to tear up.

“Seto….You never cry,” Mokuba said, shocked, while Kaiba wiped his nose.

“Who says I’m crying?” Kaiba punched the wall and began wiping his eyes.

Mokuba started to hug Kaiba as Kaiba continued to cry. “Don’t worry, Big Brother. Everything’ll be all right, somehow.”

Meanwhile, Noah was taking a walk. He was still fuming about Keith’s actions.

“How could he do that to Seto?! He was the perfect boyfriend towards Keith. How could he hurt my little brother like that?!” Noah thought angrily.

It just so happened that Yugi, Joey, Yami, and Tristan were walking down the same street as Noah. Yugi and Joey had told Yami and Tristan about what Keith had done to Kaiba and they were just as pissed.

Noah met up with the four other boys.

“Keith is a sorry-assed cheater,” Yami declared.

“Yeah. He’s the lowest of the low for playing with Kaiba like that,” Tristan added.

“We should make him pay,” Yugi said in a low, ominous voice.

“Y’know, Yuge, you don’t sound so freaky sayin’ dat anymore,” Joey commented.

As they were walking down the street, Keith came along and practically pushed them all down, saying, “Outta my way, bitches!”

“Hey! You can’t just go around, knockin’ guys ova like dat!” Joey yelled. “And we’re not finished cussin’ you out ova Kaiba!”

Joey, Yami, Tristan, and Noah dragged Keith into a deserted alley while Yugi followed them slowly and eerily, like a stalker following his victim.

“I already said stay the fuck out my business! It’s none of your business whether I cheat on Kaiba or not!” Keith shouted.

“Actually, it became our business when Yugi and Joey told us how they caught you making out with that girl,” Yami said.

“It became my business when you decided to toy with my little brother’s heart!” Noah yelled.

Keith stepped into Yugi’s space. “What about you, little Yugi? When did this become your business?” he taunted.

“The minute you laid your disgusting hands on Kaiba.” Yugi’s voice was eerily calm.

“What does my touching Kaiba have anything to do with you? He was nothing but a whore to me. He was just someone to do when I got bored with Kyra,” Keith sneered.

Yugi was enraged.

“You hurt Kaiba. Now you must pay,” Yugi said.

Yugi, Yami, Noah, Joey, and Tristan descended upon Keith the way a flock of vultures descends upon a carcass and began to beat him like a rented mule. Both Joey and Tristan tackled Keith to the ground. As he tried to get up, Noah kicked him in the shins and knocked him down again. Both Joey and Tristan began to smack and backhand Keith upside his face. Noah started to punch Keith in one of his arms. Keith was now on all fours. Yami began to kick Keith’s butt—literally and repeatedly. Yugi began to kick Keith in his thighs, screaming.

“Seto Kaiba is NOT YOUR WHORE!! HE IS A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND YOU HURT THEM! I HATE YOUR STUPID ASS!! I HOPE YOU GO TO HELL!!” Yugi screamed, beginning to punch Keith in his other arm.

Kaiba had decided that he should take a walk to clear his mind. He was walking through the streets of Domino when he heard Keith shouting and Yugi screaming, along with the others.

He stealthily dashed into the alley, following the screaming. At the sight of the five boys beating Keith down, his blue eyes grew wide with horror.

The five boys (and Keith) stopped carrying on and looked up at Kaiba in pure shock. They didn’t expect him to come and find them like this.

Kaiba looked as if he was about to shout, but they couldn’t get a closer look because as swiftly and as quietly as a young deer, Kaiba ran out of there.

“Kaiba, wait! We’re sorry!” Yugi tried to call, but Kaiba only kept running, his long, white trenchcoat flowing behind him.

The other four boys only looked at each other, then continued to beat Keith down.

“WAIT!” Yugi cried out.

The boys looked up.

“This isn’t right! We shouldn’t be hurting Keith,” Yugi said.

“But, Yuge, he hurt Kaiba. We hafta get him back,” Joey said.

“And I have to avenge Seto,” Noah said.

“But two wrongs don’t make a right; we need to help Kaiba through this, but not stand here and fight,” Yugi said.

“That sounds vaguely like Dr. Seuss,” Yami commented.

“Guys, did you see the look on Kaiba’s face? We only upset him even more by doing this.”

They all looked at each other, reluctant to agree. But soon, they realized that Yugi was right.

“All right, Bandit Keith. You can go now. But if I ever see you lay your filthy hands on Seto again, we’re just gonna end up here again,” Noah warned.

Keith walked (or limped) out of there.

Meanwhile, Yugi had run off to catch up with Kaiba.

“If I had known this was wrong earlier, I wouldn’t have encouraged it,” Yugi thought. “Now all I wanna do is tell Kaiba how sorry I am.”

‘It’s like I missed a shot, It’s like I dropped the ball. Damn, I’m sorry. It’s like I’m on stage, And I forgot the words. Damn, I’m sorry.’

Yugi could see Kaiba’s tall, white-clad figure walking toward the rich neighborhood that he lived in.

‘But I’d apologize a million times before, I’d apologize a million more. So here it comes again, For all the wrong I’ve done. So get ready, babe, Here’s one million one.’ (author's note: Sorry 2004 - Ruben Studdard)

“Kaiba, wait up!” Yugi called.

Kaiba slowed down, but he didn’t stop.

“Kaiba,” Yugi said, catching up, “I really need to talk to you.”

“I can’t talk right now, Yugi.” Kaiba continued to walk.

“But, Kaiba, I need to talk to you about what I did.”

“I saw what you did.”

“Kaiba, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for it. I got mad about what Bandit Keith did to you. I let my anger control me and…and that’s it.”

“I can’t talk about it right now, Yugi. I have to go home.” Kaiba almost sounded tearful.

“But, Kaiba, Keith called you a whore!” Yugi didn’t even realize that he said this until it was too late. “Now I’ve done it,” he thought.

At this point, Kaiba could no longer stand it. He broke into a run. Yugi couldn’t catch up to him.

“Kaiba!” Yugi called, but to no avail. “Great, just great. Now I’ve done it.”

At the mansion, Mokuba was sitting around, doing nothing until he heard the door slam. He went into the foyer, just in time to see Kaiba stomp up the stairs.

“Damn…what happened to him?” Mokuba thought.

In his room, Kaiba sat, feeling confused and angry.

“Why would Keith say such a thing? I don’t go around sleeping with everyone…I hate this whole situation..I wish I had never seen Keith cheating..”

‘I don’t wanna know. If you’re playing me, keep it on the low. `Cause my heart can’t take it any mo’. And if you’re playing games, please don’t let it show. Oh, baby, I don’t wanna know….’ (author's note: I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans feat. Enya and P. Diddy (wow what terrible timing))

-O-o-O-

The next day, Kaiba woke up with a new goal: Get Keith back.

“I’m not going to take this lying down. I’m going to get my man back,” Kaiba said as he put on his trenchcoat. Noah was standing just outside his door and he heard Kaiba’s plan.

As Kaiba was walking past the door, Noah said, “You really shouldn’t, Seto.”

Kaiba turned around. “Nobody, not even you, can stop me, Noah.” Then he walked out the door.

He found Keith hanging out in a deserted alley. He snuck up on Keith and cornered him.

From the look in his eyes, Keith could tell that this was not the same Kaiba he had slept with and deflowered. “More Agreeable Kaiba” had reverted back to “Creepy, Cold-Ass Kaibitch” in the few minutes it took him to find Keith. He almost completely reverted back to the way he had been before he made friends with Yugi and company—cold, irritable, and just downright unpleasant.

“So, Keith, how’s your girlfriend? And when did you plan on telling me about her?” Kaiba said in a low, threatening voice. He had Keith pinned to the wall. Keith could feel Kaiba’s fingernails digging into his shoulders.

Keith tried to charm his way out of it. “You’re really feisty today. Did mean, nasty Yugi piss in your cornflakes?” Keith grabbed Kaiba’s ENORMOUS buttcheeks.

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ASS!!” Kaiba hollered in Keith’s face. Keith grabbed Kaiba’s shoulders and flung him onto the ground.

Mokuba had followed Kaiba into the alley because Noah had sent him to make sure that Kaiba didn’t get hurt. He ran out from where he had been hiding and yelled, “Hey! You can’t handle Seto like that! He’s-”

“Stay out of this, Mokuba!” Kaiba interrupted. He got to his feet and turned back to Keith. “So why’d you lie to me, Keith?! Why’d you cheat on me after what I’ve done for you?! Do you know that I’m carrying your child?! I know you don’t because you’ve been ignoring me ever since we did it! How could you cheat on me after we had sex?!”

“Listen, Kaiba, it’s nothing personal, but Kyra’s a lot more experienced than you. She’s also a hell of a lot more satisfying,” Keith said.

“So, you’re just going to dump me because I used to be a virgin and because I’m no good in bed. You disgust me. I can’t believe I ever let you lay your filthy hands on me!” Kaiba shouted.

“Will you stop fucking shouting?! Your voice grates on my nerves like sandpaper!” Keith shouted.

Kaiba hauled off and slapped Keith across the face. “That’s for swearing in front of my little brother!” he shouted.

Then he slapped Keith again.

“And that was for getting me knocked up,” Kaiba said quietly. “Come on, let’s go, Mokuba.”

Mokuba followed Kaiba and his long white trenchcoat (and huge butt) out of the alley.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Instead of violence, solve all your problems with card games.

#yugioh #yugioh fanfiction #mpreg #seto kaiba #mokuba kaiba #yugi muto #noah kaiba #kaiba brothers #rivalshipping #yami yugi #seto kaiba x yugi muto #seto kaiba x bandit keith #bandit keith #eliteshipping #songfic #old fic #tw violence

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