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sometimes committed relationships are “boring”. they’re errands and chores and just sitting around together. that doesn’t mean the spark is gone. it doesn’t mean you have to have excitement all the time. you’ve just settled into comfort together.

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Needed to see this today...

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

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“I can’t change where I come from or what I’ve been through, so why should I be ashamed of what makes me, me?”

— Angie Thomas, The Hate U Give

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This the kind of relationship I pray to have 💕

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IT'S SPOOKY SEASON!!! TIME TO DO THE SPOOKY THINGS!

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How Life Has Been ...

I've been having a rough time - mentally and emotionally - since my brothers death. I now understand why this type of pain can become too much for some.. I'm BY NO MEANS $uic!dal or anything like that - but I understand it.

This past weekend I went to my mom's to stay with her Friday & Saturday night. I was a nervous, emotional train wreck. This was my first time seeing my brother in a box on a shelf. My Brother's Death has, surprisingly - even to me because I never thought I would take it as hard as I have or let it affect me like it has - made me physically feel I'll. I can't make you understand why I've let this affect so deeply and made me feel so miserable emotionally & mentally, I dont even understand it myself. I'm just letting myself feel whatever I need to feel, instead of holding everything in and bottling it all up, that way it doesn't come back to haunt me later in life and "f" me up.

I'm not all depressed though, I've had some good moments. The good times haven't lasted long though. I've been trying to keep myself busy so I'm not constantly thinking about it. Sleep has-been another issue, I can't sleep without taking sleep aid. My mind doesn't shut off, just keeps going. Some family says "well just stop thinking about things." I wish it were that easy.

No one really knows I have this Tumblr account, so venting and talking about it all on here helps me out a lot...it's like a diary no one knows about and no one can throw this all up in my face... so if me posting about this gets on your nerves I understand - but I'm not posting this for you, I'm doing it for ME. If you can relate - I'm sorry you're going through this... hopefully if someone else out there has the same feelings as me about whoever it was close to them they lost, it helps them feel not alone. Maybe we can heal together.

#life #my life #follow along #online diary #thoughts #grief/mourning #grief journal #death #healing #grief venting #venting

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Where I've Been :

Well, I know I was posting the gratitude posts there a few days. Just my luck though, as soon as things started to look a brighter for me, my world came crashing down. My brother passed away, he was 31. I don't want to go into detail. It's just been a very hard couple of weeks and has set me WAY back.

"Everyday may not be good, but there's something good in everyday."

-Alice Morse Earle

I'm believe in that quote whole heartedly, but I'm really struggling to figure out what could have possibly been good on the day my brother passed.. sure, he's at peace. Sure he's not struggling with his demons anymore. At the same time, where is my mother's peace? Where is my peace? I took it harder than everyone else, including my mother. I just don't understand it right now.. but I'm doing my best to find something good and trying to find some kind of way to be somewhat happy...

1.) I woke up today.

2.) I ate and drank something.

3.) I have a truck to make it to work.

4.) I have a job where I can make money everyday to be able to live life.

Right now that's what I'm grateful for. The lord woke me up, he provided me food, shelter, a job and a way to get and from. That's the best I can do right now..

#life #my life #follow along #online diary #thoughts #chill #follow #10 things to be gratful for #grateful #passed away #death #brother passed away #struggling #dont understand #heartbroken

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10 Things I'm Grateful For Prt 3 :

Waking up & being blessed with another day of life.

Roof over my head.

A way to and from wherever I need to go.

Food in my home. Being able to eat something whenever I want.

The job that I have.

My relationship I continue to work on daily. Not that it's a bad relationship, I just want to continue to put my all into it.

The person that I am. Very kind, forgiving, sweet, warm hearted, empathetic, open minded.. putting every one else's needs before my own.

My dog that's always happy & excited to see me any time he sees me. Even if he just saw me minutes before.

The family that I have that still continues to check on me and cares to chat with me.

My bed! Place to lay my head at the end of everyday/ take a nap/ just chill.

As I said in my post I made yesterday, some of these will continue to be the same because I know what it's like to feel/ be without those things, and how much of a privilege/ blessing it is to have them, especially after working hard for them.

This is just my 3rd post on this, but I can already tell how it's positively affected my mind and spirit by doing this daily. I've always been a very kind, optimistic person. I've always tried find something positive in every thing/ every one. Every once in a while I see where that has affected me negatively, and made me look stupid at times, and even in those times I've always tried to see the brighter side of things. For the most part, it's always been a positive in my life.

I'm ready to start working on me, and trying to get back to a happy place with myself. I'm ready to start loving myself because like RuPaul said "if you don't love yourself, how can you love anyone else?"

#life #my life #follow along #online diary #thoughts #chill #follow #happy #gratitude list #10 things to be gratful for #grateful #gratitude #journal #mind body spirit #stay postive #positivemindset

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10 Things I'm Grateful For Prt. 2:

Waking up this morning, feeling blessed with another day of life.

The family I have that still continues to check on me daily.

Having the job that I have.

My relationship and doing my best to keep working on it so it continues to be a good one.

Iced Coffee!!💕 Automatically puts in me in a great mood on that first sip.

My dog. He makes my day💕 Always happy to see me even on the worst days.

Having a way to and from where ever I need to go.

A roof over my head! I'll always be thankful and grateful for that.

Water at home to be able to take a shower.

Clothes on my back!

Some of them are the same as yesterday, and that's perfectly fine by me, because I know what it's like to not have the PRIVILEGE of having those things. So, because I know the feeling, I'm going to continue to be grateful and thankful for them💕💕💕

#life #my life #follow along #online diary #thoughts #follow #chill #happy #gratitude #gratitude list #10 things to be gratful for #road to happiness #happiness #doing my best #happyday #grateful

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10 Things I'm Gratful For Today :

I have a job where I get off at 4pm everyday, dental, vision & health insurance. Get paid every Friday. Get every holiday off and weekends off.

I have a roof over my head.

I have a way to and from where ever I need to go.

I woke up this morning - grateful for another day.

I have clothes to wear.

I got a dog that loves me and looks forward to seeing me every single day.

I got a phone I can use, that I pay for every month.

I got food to eat and drinks to drink whenever I want.

I got a bed to lay down on at the end of everyday.

The family I do have that cares about me and loves me.

Now, I'm not good at this. This is just something I'm trying out so that I can be happier. Truly happy. I'm already a positive person, but I can feel light dimming in me and it doesn't need to dim yet at 25.

By writing these things down, you are able to feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, and build strong relationships–a recipe for a much happier life! Researchers have found that people who write about gratitude are more optimistic and feel better about their lives in general.

I'm going to do this everyday and see what happens. I'm not expecting something to just happen automatically, but hopefully - with time - it will.

#life #my life #follow along #online diary #thoughts #chill #follow #happy #gratitude #grateful #journal #10 things to be gratful for #gratitude list #optimistic #hoping for the best

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#goth #gothic #metal #quotes #eye opening #relatable quotes #aestehtic #goth aesthetic

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“Never rush an emotion; everything in life has a rhythm, it is the pauses and silences that speak the truth.”

— Michael Jackson

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🤎🧡🖤

“I have survived. I am here. Confused and screwed up, but here.”

— Laurie Halse Anderson; Speak

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This🖤😍

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Yes! 🖤