quarantinebreakup412081121

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

One Year

Lavender whisps lined the sky.  These sunsets were her favorite; the burning orange slowly disappearing into the trees as its soft glow illuminated the outline of the summer evening clouds. They looked lavender.  Her favorite color.  The contrast was sharp, but gorgeous- powerful somehow.  Seeing this just made the whole world feel beautiful- even if only for a moment.

 Bright yellow broke through into her peripheral vision, but not from the sunset.  She didn’t avert her gaze from the vibrant sky, not even to acknowledge the sunflowers begging for her attention.  Mere hours ago, they were one of her most beautiful memories.  Now, those memories were tainted with confusion and pain.  Pain she’d known before, but more intense now.  Pain that makes it difficult to breathe and weighs down one’s entire existence.

 She was sitting- barely upright.  The reclining lawn chair beneath her was the only thing separating her from the ground. She couldn’t stand, not right now, not on her own.  Her body wasn’t hers to control; in that moment, and probably many more to follow, her entirety belonged to her grief and she was at its mercy.

 Loss wasn’t something unfamiliar to her- and one might argue that she’d suffered the same type of loss mere months ago.  But this felt different.  That loss was empty and almost just a matter of going through the motions for the sake of it.  Now it felt real and her entire world was beginning to crumble around her as she sat there, still unable to comprehend the reality of the situation.  This time she lost a piece of herself and the uncertainty surrounding whether she’d ever be able to regain that part of her existence was growing with each passing moment.

 Every time she blinked, she risked reopening her eyes to find only a blur of purple and gold emerging from the fuzzy silhouette of the enormous sweetgum tree towering over her yard. The tears came on their own now, without warning.  Sometimes she didn’t even notice when they’d stop, because they’d surely return soon enough. And there was no correlation between the dryness of her eyes and how devastated she felt.  Whether she was actively crying or staring blankly into space, her insides were on fire, her soul torn in two, and her ability to feel anything but misery was diminished.

 How could one’s heart ache so much for someone it had only known a matter of months?  Her heart clearly couldn’t judge time and felt as though this was so much bigger than five months.  It felt the pain of the months they were supposed to spend getting to know each other better than either of them had known any of their other partners.  It felt the distress of the years they’d spend together growing and building a life they’d both love because they just got each other- right from the beginning.  Her heart and her soul were processing a lifetime of loss because that’s precisely what had been taken from her- a life- a happy life, a life that she had allowed herself to hope for and dream about, knowing that this time, it could actually come to fruition.

 He stole that from her and he did it without a second thought.  He just took it and disappeared without an explanation.  They had plans in a couple days.  They had other plans in a couple weeks.  How did this happen?  She tried to find reason in it.  That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?  If everything happens for a reason, then it has to be okay.  She attempted to discover any silver lining, but every effort she made was futile and only left her more hopeless.

 Time was what she needed- at least according to her loved ones and every piece of literature she could find on the topic.  She scoured dozens of write ups- hoping that she’d find one gem hidden amongst them- just one to indicate what it was that she needed to do to be okay.  Surely others had endured similar loss and could offer up a quick fix that she simply hadn’t thought of on her own.  It would be something simple, easy, fast.  It would take away all of this pain in an instant- and she’d bounce back as if the last five months never happened.

 She would be happy to go back to focusing on her previous loss- the loss that didn’t feel like it even mattered anymore.  The loss that felt like more of a gain, especially recently.  It had been the removal of a negative force in her life.  She had just been so afraid of change that even a positive one seemed terrifying to her.  And it was for a while.  But now she could understand that what happened back then really needed to happen, even if it was meant that she would be a bit broken for a while.

 But isn’t that the beauty of being broken?  You get to put your pieces back together- whether on your own, or with help- and in the end, the mosaic you create is almost always something stronger, more resilient, and more beautiful than before.

 She used to believe this. She had even written this before- but after she painstakingly struggled to gather up most of the jagged pieces of herself that had been left in the rubble of the last life shattering event- the man who aided in reassembling them had turned out to be the biggest threat to the stability of it all.  He was the one who mended her- if her soul could be represented visually, it would manifest as a patchwork quilt with some pieces uneven and not quite stitched together all the way.  Some ends frayed and still actively unraveling- but at a slower pace than they had been.  It would be noticeably worn and delicate but could be okay if taken care of and treated with love. He had woven her back together and she allowed herself to trust him to protect her and to make sure that she’d have a chance- a real chance- at becoming fully healed.

 She never for a moment considered that since he was the architect behind patching her quilt into some semblance of a whole, he was the one who’d know just which thread to tug in order to completely unravel her.

 She hadn’t the chance to heal enough to discover her new self- she was still in the process of doing that-with his help.  He was the key to most of the progress she had made.  Now she was ashamed and embarrassed that she’d so naively handed all of herself over to him, almost immediately tearing down the walls- the safeguards she'd put in place to protect herself.  Her quilt had fallen into a pile of mismatched, frayed pieces- she couldn’t make sense of where any of it as supposed to go or how to even begin putting it back together.

 What type of mosaic could be made from shattered pieces being almost immediately rebroken?  Only this time, shattered smaller- obliterated into what could only be described as dust, with just enough shards scattered throughout that you’d still cut yourself if you attempted to sort through them- forcing her to choose one of two options:  attempt to fix herself on her own and inevitably suffer, or sit there in the pain and allow it to consume her until it had nothing left to torture her.

 Both options were miserable, but sitting in these feelings, in this broken state, involved far less effort than the alternative- which didn’t even offer the promise of any positive outcome, so why bother?

 She didn’t know it then, but in one year’s time, she’d be on her own and happy again- arguably happier than she had been for the last decade.  This was a different type of happiness- one she hadn’t experienced in longer than she could remember.  A happiness where her contentment and joy were derived from within herself and the life she had built with the people who meant the most to her.  There were no external antagonists disguising themselves as the heroes to infiltrate her heart and shatter it, no, she didn’t need those.  She never really needed “another half” to complete herself as some say, but somehow, she had convinced herself that she did.  Her focus on finding purpose and happiness through another being had been her downfall too many times in the past.  There was the silver lining she had been looking for- it was in the lessons she’d learned and the growth she’d made and the strength she found.  It was in all of those things, but it was mostly in the love for herself- the discovery of it, the encouragement, and the vigilant care she took to ensure that she never diminished its true value.

 And now, the heart breaking, soul twisting agony that she went through for so long- all of that was a distant memory that she could barely even comprehend anymore.

#quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #love #loss #relationship #ex boyfriend #exboyfriend #heartache #heartbreak #shortstory

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Day 365:  One Year Single

I’ve officially been single for one year and I am still genuinely happy.  Every time I think about dating again, I wonder if it’s worth it-- will I come across more horrible, ignorant, racist, hateful people like J?  I’m not willing to invest my time in men like him who are, well, trash.

So one year later, I’m in a job that I’ve enjoyed so far and I have the most incredible work family; I’ve made such amazing new friends!  I just turned in my notice because I was offered a new job at another higher education institution in the field that I love and that position comes with more money- and the commute is virtually nothing!  I’m spending a week at home with my dogs and my brother’s dog- having a relaxing “me” week and I have a WDW trip planned in less than a month!

Things are going well-- much better than they ever were with J constantly tearing me down and neglecting me... and better than they were with R and his inability to commit.

Hard to believe what a bad place I was in one year ago and how much things have turned around since then.

#breakup #quarantine #quarantinebreakup #quarantine breakup #love #loss #relationships #single #singlehood #update #relationship #boyfriend #ex-boyfriends

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Day 291:  I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit

I genuinely, for the first time in years, can say that I am actually perfectly content being single.  My first long term boyfriend (J) did little more than tear me down and try to make me feel like I was worthless... and it took me years to realize that.  My second (R) is probably going to end up being the one that got away, but there were too many communication barriers (all on his end) and that would never have ended well for me either.  J has moved on and has a new girlfriend and kid (at least he did a year ago, or whenever we officially cut all ties) and I know that he’ll never be happy with that situation, so I’m not jealous or upset or feeling any type of way about being single while my ex isn’t.  It’s taken me a long time to work through all of the abuse and damage they caused, but I’m finally in a good place, a solid place, and the years I invested in J have been a huge life lesson that I’ve learned a tremendous amount from.

#quarantine #quarantine breakup #breakup #heartache #heartbreak #love #relationships #lost love #starting over #quarantinebreakup

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Day 221: Is it bad that I'm still not mad at R?

I just miss him. I've always missed him. At first, intensely, heart achingly, to he point of driving myself crazy every day. Now it's just a shallow feeling in the hollow place where he used to fill my heart. It's just there-- always there. Never really overwhelming, just existing calmly, quietly, occasionally reminding me that it's not worth it to try to meet someone new and that I'm better off alone- I'm safer alone; my heart is safer alone.

#Heartache #Heartbreak #Breakup #Quarantine #Quarantine Breakup #Quarantine breakup #Love #Loss

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Day 669 since J exited my life. I saw this today and realized that this perfectly describes our dynamic. But then you can't get human decency from someone who is not decent and who is barely human.

#Quarantine #Quarantine Breakup #breakup #love #heartbreak #heartache #quarantinebreakup #loss #relationships #quarantine #quarantine breakup #relationship

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Day 169: Forever Winter

I'll be summer sun for you forever Forever winter if you go...

Winter sucks.  Winter is when I met you.  When we went on a walk in the freezing dark and ended up going for 3 hours because we didn’t want to say goodnight.  When we snuggled on the couch during our first date, watching the Marvel movie you swore you never would watch because the lead actor was too annoying for you, only to realize you actually loved it.  When you took me to the beach and we were almost blown away by the icy wind, then huddled together for warmth while we waited in line for “the best donuts in the world”- our reason for going to the beach in the first place.  It was my first time feeling like I was really in love.  I felt like I’d found my other half; I’d never felt that before, and honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that again.

It’s winter again and to this day, I still haven’t been able to put on that oversized turquoise sweater I wore when I met you at the park in person for the first time.  The sweatshirt I wore on our first official date, when you made me dinner and told me we didn’t have to get dressed up... that’s still buried under a pile of clothes in my closet.  And the gingham dress I bought especially for one of our weekends together- our last happy weekend together... just a few weeks before you abruptly ended us... that’s tucked away and will not likely be making an appearance anytime soon.

It’s felt like winter in my heart since August and while it continues to hurt a bit less each day, I still think about you every day, and I still think about what we could have been.

#heartbreak #heartache #breakup #quarantine #quarantinebreakup #quarantine breakup #love #loss

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Day 154:  January

Just as I’m approaching the day where I’ve known life after you for as long as I knew life with you

Am I finally supposed to be completely past the whole situation, once this milestone passes?

Nobody heals the same way and each has to follow their own path to find peace, whether it’s immediate or lengthy

Under the circumstances, I’d say that my progress has been very slow, but steady nonetheless

And I can’t say that I wish it never happened, because it did bring me moments I treasure, moments I wouldn’t have known otherwise

Remembering our time together feels more happy than excruciating with each passing day

Yesterdays are all that we’ll ever have, but I think that one day, that will be enough for me

#january #relationships #breakup #love #loss #quarantine #quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #heartbreak #heartache #acrostic #acrosticpoem #freeversepoem #freeverse #free verse poem #free verse #poem

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Day 143:  New Year, Same Old Emotions

Happy New Year!

“There’s an ache in you, put there by the ache in me.”

But reverse “you” and “me.”

R- I have to believe that you only hurt me the way that you did because of all of the hurt you’ve been holding onto.  Hurt from your mother breaking up your family. Hurt from your family not being close and loving in general.  Hurt from your life choices.  Hurt from dropping out of school and leaving home as soon as you were old enough.  Hurt from your last relationship and your inability to commit.  Hurt from seeing how tight knit my family is and how supportive we all are of each other- when you don’t have anything like that in your life.  Hurt so badly that you couldn’t even talk to me about whatever was going on- instead you cut and run without any explanation.

I love you and I hate you all at the same time.  But in the end, all I want is to feel okay again, like my heart doesn’t have a gaping hole that seems like it will never be filled.  And I truly hope that you’re able to resolve your issues and find happiness in whatever form that takes.  With another woman, a man, without a partner-- whatever it is that you need.

I still can’t bring myself to wish anything good for J, because he was just a shitbag who knew he was hurting me and kept doing it... for fun?  I’m not sure why... But R was different and I know that R is capable of being a better man.  J will always just be trash.

#new year #newyear #quarantine #quarantine breakup #breakup #quarantinebreakup #love #loss #sorrow #sadness #heartache #heartbreak #letter to my ex

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Day 141: Merry Christmas

It was a merry one, indeed.  Family, music, movies, good food, too many presents to count, and lots of laughs.

I imagine that R probably had dinner with his dad because there would have been nothing else to do and he couldn’t run errands or grocery shop with everywhere closed.  I imagine that J probably made Christmas special for the new girl and her kid- based on all of the things I told him he needed to do to not be a shitty boyfriend.  And I imagine that J was miserable having to be festive and go through the motions of all off the things that he hates doing.  Good.  He’ll probably resent her for it later, but they both deserve whatever they get.  Poor quality humans at best, the lot of them.

#quarantinebreakup #quarantine breakup #quarantine #breakup #heartache #heartbreak #love #loss

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Day 118:  If you were here today

To R.

I’m not sure what the future would have held for us if you hadn’t broken my heart out of the blue.  But today I was thinking about what Christmastime would be like- with you.

I expect that I’d probably drive up to see you on the weekends like we were doing for the better part of 5 months...  We’d hang out in your apartment, which would look no different than it did the rest of the year.  No Christmas tree, no lights, nothing in sight to indicate that we were in the middle of the holiday season.  We’d just watch movies and whatever else you wanted to on Netflix, take the dog for walks, play Mario Party with your friends, and maybe go out to eat a couple times.  Nothing would feel special- nothing would feel Christmassy.  You wouldn’t go to a Christmas tree farm with me, or go around to see lights and decorations... we wouldn’t go Christmas shopping because you don’t do Christmas with your friends or family.  I imagine that it would have felt a lot like Christmas did my first year with J... he had just moved across the country and we Skyped a couple times then he shipped me a present that was cute, but not particularly sweet or thoughtful...  and that was it.

A lot has reminded me of you lately, and it hurts to think about how I thought the rest of the year was going to unfold for us before things ended, but at the end of the day, I know that as much as I miss you and miss the good things about us, our dynamic, the laughter, the fun... it was never going to be truly sustainable because you were never going to work for it.  You didn’t with any of your other partners and you didn’t with me... and you probably never will.  I know this, but I have to keep reminding myself of it because I can’t help but yearn for what “could have been.”  I’m still trying to get my perfect version of you out of my head because, as much as I wanted it to be our reality, it really wasn’t.

When I listen to Taylor Swift’s Better Man, I think of you.  How I wish you were a better man.

#better man #betterman #quarantinebreakup #quarantine #breakup #heartache #heartbreak #love #loss #ex

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Day 100: My 90th Post

100 days ago my heart was broken for the second time in two years. The first time was a heartbreak over losing a relationship that I'd become used to- and most of the stress was from so many changes happening all at once, mostly due to covid. I suffered the loss of normalcy that time.

This second heartbreak was soul crushing and spirit shattering; I experienced the loss of someone I actually loved. I suffered through the loss of a person I saw myself being with long term, the loss of new friends, experiences... It broke me. 100 days later, it still hurts, but I barely cry about it anymore. I've stopped actively trying to find someone to fill that hole in my heart because I know nobody can fill that gap R left. Not yet, anyway. I have to learn to be on my own and find myself, learn who I am without a romantic partner, then begin again.

#Quarantine #Breakup #Quarantinebreakup #Quarantine breakup #Love #Loss #Relationships #Heartache #Heartbreak

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Day 99:  I’m Sad

I'm sad. I don't even know if this is about R anymore... Or of all of that heartbreak flipped a switch in me that I've been unable to flip back. I just feel hopeless and unhappy and dejected. It's a constant feeling, eating away at me slowly every day. Most days I'm able to fool myself, and for brief, or sometimes not so brief, moments I feel like things might be okay... Like I might be okay. But at the end of the day and in those tiny or large moments of silence and reflection throughout the day, I can't trick myself any longer and I end up wallowing in my reality. My current escape has been Red, Taylor's Version. The music speaks to my heart and has offered a bit of an escape at times, but the lyrics cut me like a knife because so many speak truth of the situations I've been in one the last few years. This is so hard to move past... What do I do?

#Heartbreak #heartache #Quarantine #Quarantinebreakup #Quarantine breakup #love #Loss #Taylor swift #red #red taylor’s version #red taylor swift #all too well #Anxiety #Stress #Sadness

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Day 79:  Loving Him Was Red

Losing him was blue like I’d never known,

Missing him was dark gray all alone

Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody you’ve never met

But loving him was red.

*****

I love Taylor Swift, and Folklore was basically the soundtrack to my life last year, but lately, these lyrics from Red have really resonated with me.  I find myself missing R every day.  It hurts less now than it did in the beginning, but it still hurts.  I still think of him almost every day.  There are so many little things that remind me of him- even though our time together was relatively short (5 months) it still had a pretty major impact on me.  R has been in my dreams more times than I can count- but most of those dreams are rooted in my trying to get closure for what happened.  I don’t think I’ll ever have that.  I heard “The Lakes” today on my way home from picking up food for dinner and immediately flashed back to the last time I drove to visit him before he ended things.  I listened to it a few times on the drive and had really vibed with it.  Now it just makes me think of being with him-- and being without him.  Before I realized what was going on, I started crying and had to sit in the car on the driveway for a minute before opening the garage door.  I didn’t want my family to know that I’d been crying.  Lately, I just do that quietly.  I don’t bring it up anymore because it seems silly to still be so upset over this.  But in my heart, I still love him, in some way... I feel like the piece of my heart that loves R is slowly withering, so while love shrinks a bit, the pain grows.

I just looked it up, and we were together for 157 days.  As of today, we’ve officially been apart for half of the time we were together.  Why do I still feel like this?  I always get too attached to people in my life.  And I love so deeply... it’s a strength and a weakness, I think.  But I always end up being the one who gets burned when things go south because it’s so much harder for me to detach emotionally and move on.

I know that R wasn’t right for me because when we were together we had a discussion about “fighting for relationships.”  In my opinion, if someone you love and have been with for a long time, says that they’re not sure about the relationship anymore, but you love them- you should want to fight for them.  If it turns out it’s not working, okay, but at least you gave it a shot and showed that you cared.  R said that if someone told him they weren’t feeling things anymore, he’d basically just say okay and move on.  How can a person every have any type of real and meaningful connection if they’re always ready to leave and completely detach emotionally at the drop of a hat?  That means they never really truly care for the other person, right?

And, of course, I’m only remembering the best of our time together, I recognize that...  Still doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I hope that with Halloween fast approaching, and Christmas just around the corner, I’ll be able to pull myself out of this weird emotional limbo that I’ve been in for the last few months.

At least with J, I knew I’d get over him eventually because it was the idea of losing my first relationship that was breaking my heart.  J was a terrible partner, and he said that I made him sound abusive when I’d talk about the things he did (all true, and I now realize that he was emotionally abusive.)  I was never that upset about losing him.  With R, I really feel like he’s going to be my “one that got away.”

Maybe one day I’ll find someone who has even a tiny bit of emotional intelligence... and intelligence in general...

#love #loss #heartache #heartbreak #quarantine #breakup #quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup

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Day 58:  Disney has fixed me.

Sort of.  Long story short, my time in Disney did for me exactly what I needed it to.  I feel whole again.  I feel like I’m me again.  I feel like my mood isn’t controlled by immature boys (at least for right now.)  And I feel a sense of hope for the future.

I did have a moment yesterday that caught me off guard; I sobbed when something made me think of R.  But then I thought about the last week at Disney and how he’d never be able to do anything there with me, and how I’d never give up Disney for him.  And that’s even if you don’t take into consideration how selfish he was.

Anyway- thank goodness for Disney World, thank goodness for some normalcy, and thank goodness for being back on what feels like the right track.

#quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #love #loss #heartache #heartbreak

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Day 47: Disney World TOMORROW.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm okay. Okay with K letting our conversation taper off, I mean. I've done the same thing before, because sometimes it's kinder than outright rejecting someone to their face, and both parties move along and nobody ends up especially hurt by it. I had just gotten a little more excited because after the last two terrible years, I thought I hit the friendship/potential partner jackpot, but sometimes it just does t work out and that's okay. And what's really great about it is that right now, I actually believe it and feel alright about it. I am not upset, I don't have any negative feelings about the situation or about K. And I enjoyed a really lovely Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino with some wonderful conversation. Even the folks who are only in our lives for a short time (yes, even if it's just a couple days) can serve a positive purpose. Overall, I'm glad we met and chatted, I'm glad I got dressed up and went out for the "date," and I'm okay with no friendship actually forming from it. At the very least this is practice in getting back out there and interacting with people and getting back to some type of "normal" after the last couple years.

And now I get to focus on being at Disney for a week! I'm not missing R as much and he's actually hardly been on my mind for the last few days.

It's very tiny progress, but still progress, and you know what? That's okay!

#Acceptance #Love #Loss #Heartache #Heartbreak #New friends #Friends #Dating #Dates #Quarantine #Quarantine breakup #Quarantinebreakup #Breakup #Grief

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Day 46: Yesterday I went on a date with another guy

He just moved here a week ago and seemed like a nice guy who shared a lot of interests including theme parks, beach, concerts, seeing movies in the theatre...

He was eager to meet up the night we started chatting, but it was too late to do anything around here, so I suggested Sunday morning at Starbucks. Safe, public, chill, relaxed, low key.

We chatted some the next day, and Sunday morning, he texted to talk, but it was more like him checking to see if we were still on for Starbucks. Such a me thing to do-- I appreciated it!

I got there a few minutes late and he'd already ordered a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino for me because he remembered I said that was the drink I liked. Extra points for K!

We sat outside and talked for a couple hours, then headed out so he could get food and nap since he'd only slept a few hours the night before. The conversation was really good though, we joked, laughed, picked on each other. I thought, even if this doesn't turn into something romantic, I feel like we could be pretty good friends. And I can certainly use some more of those.

He'd mentioned going to the County Fair that evening if Starbucks went well, so after I finished some of my trip packing, I texted him to see what he was doing. The fair isn't anything spectacular, but it would have been something different to do and I was definitely down to hang out with him again.

He said he never ended up napping- so I didn't bother asking him to do anything.

I was the last person to text that night, no response from him- but it was late, so it didn't seem odd.

This morning, still no response, so I decided I'd text one more time and then decide on my course of action with him. No response for a couple hours. Was I being ghosted?

He replied about an hour after that- he said he was at the beach all night. Okay, so we had a response and it seemed alright. Later I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies in the evening. I told him what I was going to see and the time and asked if he'd like to join. No response for a couple hours. I was going regardless so it didn't change my plans, but he got back to me and said he was just on the way back from the beach. Okay, made sense. We exchanged a couple more texts about the movie because he'd already seen it and liked it (I had already seen it as well, this was my second time going to watch it and I was 90% going to eat some movie theatre nachos lol.)

Once again, I was the last to text in the conversation. Nothing else from him.

I logged into the dating app where we met to see if there were any new notifications, because I'm talking to a couple other people off and on there- and I had one notification from a new guy, but noticed that K has disappeared from my matches.

Either he's unmatched me (most likely- but why??) or he deleted his profile (he's only been on it a week, so that's probably not the case.)

It kind of hurt my feelings because that discovery cemented what I already knew-- that the guy I vibed with and thought could be someone I'd want to stick around and be a part of my life in some capacity... Well, he was just another guy who has no actual interest in me as a friend or otherwise.

At a certain point, a person can only go through so much of this before they begin to feel like there's something wrong with them. There's no way this many people can treat them like nothing or drop them without a second thought unless there's something wrong with them. This whole process is so fucking exhausting and dejecting and discouraging. I don't need people to fall in love with me instantly, but is a little respect and some grown up interaction or up front communication too much to ask for? On the bright side, I think I miss R a little bit less now. So hopefully that will continue to dwindle as more time passes. And maybe Disney World in a couple days will fix all of the bad I'm feeling right now. All in all, I enjoyed the date- it was the second best first date I've ever had- but for my own sanity, I'm stepping away from this and not pursuing K any longer because I refuse to chase after someone who wouldn't show the same interest in me.

I'm better than this and I deserve better than I'm getting, so now I just cut ties.

This really sucks and I can't keep putting myself through this to make new friends or pursue relationships because it will absolutely break me down into nothing by the time I'm able to find one or two quality people to bring into my circle.

#Love #Loss #Heartache #Heartbreak #Quarantine #Quarantinebreakup #Breakup #Quarantine breakup #Date #First date #Ghosted #Relationship #Dating #Disappointment

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 42: Summer is over, just like we are.

And I feel like my Spring and Summer were robbed from me by R. I guess at least I was able to have a fun summer romance while it lasted, but honestly at this point, I feel like I wish I had never met R and we'd never connected at all. It would have been less crushing if I had just been alone for the past 7 months. Instead, I got to experience what felt like 4 months of a perfect, surprising, sweet, happy relationship (and 1 month of feeling a little like I was with J again, and then 1+ month of heartbreaking agony) and now I keep thinking back to us and what we had and I feel so hopeless because with a few tiny exceptions, what we had was really great and I'm not sure I'll find that combination of things I need in a partner ever again. Why are men so callous and uncaring?

#Heartbreak #Heartache #Love #Loss #Breakup #Quarantine #Quarantine breakup #Quarantinebreakup #Goodbye summer