samanthajane-uk
Me,Myself&Life
This is the open honest truth I think I needed in order to realise the sistuation I'd got myself in.
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Day Twenty Six
I awoke at eight with ever intention to getup and do something, but the next time I looked at the clock it was ten, must have fallen asleep again, typical. I didn’t do anything of any significance in the morning, just walked around the house aimlessly stressing about going back to work in seven days. The doctor reckons it will take up two years for me to recover from depression and that’s is a heavy weight on my mind at the moment. I managed to applied for a few new jobs in and about Oxford, the fact that I’ve barely eaten besides a small Chinese caused me to feel completely empty and hungry, three McDonalds later and end up curled up reading with a stomach ache, well done idiot! Never mind, again the evening follows the same usual pattern, dinner, clean, TV then bed although yet again sleep does not want to come very easily.
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Day Twenty Five
Did I really expect to do much today? I woke up at 12noon to get a cup of tea before heading back to bed to chill out watching more brain numbing Netflix drifting in and out of sleep, I was going to try and force myself to apply for a job but I’m far to tired to be writing cover letters and filling out online applications. I knew I told my parents I would cook tonight but I can’t be bothered in the slightest. Considering I was completely sober last night and in fact only had three cola’s and a glass of water I felt almost hung over! That’s not fair; I picked up my book a few times just to put it back down without even reading a page and sunk into the cosy-ness of my bed. Eventually my parents encouraged me to get up, mainly because they were hungry so I told them I’d compromise and get a Chinese takeaway instead, win-win, I cant be bothered to cook, everyone’s hungry and it only takes thirty minutes for the takeaway plus I’ve been craving Chinese for a few days. As per usual from the kitchen we end up in the front room watching TV before giving up and going to bed however I’ve technically only been fully awake for about roughly four(ish) hours so here comes some more brain numbing Netflix before I try to dozed off. I’m too over tired to read or concentrate on anything else but can’t seem to settle enough to sleep; I’m sure I’ll get there.
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Day Twenty Four
No plans set for today either so it took a while for me to get up and get going, when I did eventually get going I discovered I wasn’t actually home alone so I snuck off to apply for a few of the jobs I found yesterday before getting questioned on my ‘life choices’ as if I need reminder of how indecisive I am! I ended up losing a few hours watching mindless show on Netflix as per usual before marinating dinner and heading upstairs to try and relax in a warm comforting bath, in which I could get comfortable.
I spent most of the afternoon in my room cleaning up and tidying just to make it a mess again while getting ready to go out, I haven’t been out with a big group of friends since February so I guess this is a sign of progress, I’m taking it as a sign anyway. I cook dinner and eat with the family before grabbing the last few things and head off into Oxford to catch the bus to London, which I missed. Then rather then standing there for what I thought would be thirty minutes I headed to the many bus station only to miss the next one as well. My negative brain kicked in, telling me to just go home and give up, I quickly read the timetable and saw I had anther 30 minutes then looked around to discover there was only me, a handful of tourists and a few rough looking men so I walked again, this time to another bus stop in the centre of the High Street so that I could disappear into the crowd.
Eventually getting the bus I finally took my seat and read more pages of Purity, I gave up with the bus at Shepherd’s Bush; I was restless and itching for a smoke. I could have stayed on the tube and headed straight to the venue that I was meeting everyone at but didn’t feel like being the first person there so I headed to Leicester Square instead, part of me hoped I’d catch another glimpse of the actor I saw there last week but I got there at a different time and probably the wrong time, all the theatres were emptying and people lined every street and road. The next station I’d got to jump onto the tube was pack and we were queuing just to get on the platform. I’m such an idiot, should have head straight to the venue instead, when I did resurface from the underground I stopped my friend crossing the road ahead and caught up with her.
The night itself was a blur of people, friends and punk pop tunes and it seemed to take forever for my friend to get to her feet and leave her seat. She ended up head home with a friend of mine as another friend had arrived so I spent the rest of the night with a girl who I love being around, she’s so energetic and doesn’t care what others think whether she’s sober or been drinking, only thing is I can tell when she bored best she smokes every ten minutes but that didn’t happen this time. I noticed the crowd around thinning over the course of the night, most people going home in pairs knowing full well I’d be going home alone. The only guy I’m interested in had already found someone and seemed quite happy with her, which for the first time in a while I didn’t have a sinking or jealous feeling over, just shrugged it off, again that’s an improvement right?
Home time, people were spilling out of the venue saying their goodbyes and good nights rather than get caught up and start to get cold I headed straight to the tube hoping to catch the half three bus but as I emerged from the underground, there it went driving straight passed, great another hour before the next one. I sat at the bus stop for five minutes hoping I’d just seen a different bus or that maybe another bus would come only to see a shady guy cycling in circles opposite me and as I looked up he waved. I quickly rolled myself another cigarette and decided to head down to the next bus stop that would take about 30 minutes to walk maybe a bit longer in the unbroken in heels I’d decided to wear but at least my waiting time would seem to be cut in half somewhat. As if the guy on the bicycle was enough I then realised I’m been tailed by a moped. Great. The guy tried to speak to me, head down and carry on walking I thought to myself hoping that was that, but no I finally see the bus stop and as I approach a moped parks up on the pavement and the same guy offers me a lift home. Hell no. Of course I refuse him politely and walk behind an advert and stay there.
There was another girl near the bus stop younger than me perched outside a hotel on the phone to a friend, I eventually hear the sound of the moped started and check to see if the guy has gone before sitting down on the hotel wall. The girl approached me looking a little scared and worried and turned out she’d missed the bus too. We sat there talking waiting for the next bus with a boost of confidence asking people to continue on their way without bothering us too much, and that them lingering was rather uncomfortable for all parties. Normally I’d sit there with my headphones in or fake some Spanish or French sentence I think I’ve even pretended to be German once but I felt nice to be supporting as well as being supportive. This is how women should be with each other, strong and independent but strength and security within increased numbers.
The bus finally turned up after all adrenaline had gone and the heat I’d created from my walk had left me, I had no energy to make it up the stairs so opted for the last pair of empty seats on the lower deck. Just as I started to drift off the man in front of me began to snore quite loudly, the woman behind me mumbled something about it and the two men opposite me both dug out their headphones could this journey take any longer? Finally back in Oxford and my new bus stop friend knew the bus driver and convinced him to drop me off closer to my car than he should have, she followed me off the bus and we stood talking for a minute or two, I was starting to get cold and thank her for her company but I was ready to crash. As I finally got to my car I felt guilty for leaving her in the cold to get her bus but she lived in the opposite direction to me. I doubt I’ll ever see her again as Oxford’s quite a big place but she had done me a favour however as I walked through the door to see my parents wide awake drinking tea the guilt slowly disappeared as I finally manage to get my head onto my pillow at 6:30am.
#honesty#truth#depression#recovery#small steps#london#oxford#punk pop#friends#travelling#all nighter
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Day Twenty Three
Hourly slots worked yesterday because I had a plan whereas today I can’t think of a plan at all, I’ve spent the morning browsing for new jobs and research opportunities to go back into education, turns out that might not be possible as I have now way of raising the £27,000 needed and may not qualify for another student loan plus most of the deadlines for applications were over a month ago so that rules out anything for this year.
I wrote a few paragraphs in a story that I’ve created in my head and now decide to put it down, whether it just ends up being a stress relief excise or some else I don’t currently know but for now it acts as a buffer for me. Allows me to disappear for a short time to write down individual feelings into different characters that create a sense of harmony, so if I can do it on paper maybe I’ll be able to do it in my head.
As per usual I lost track of time and my parents had made it home, following a quick catch up of their day and how they’re getting on with work fills me with dread, I’m not sure how I’m going to face going back to work. I feel that people will react one of two ways way one, assume I’m a fraud and everything will go back to the way is was before causing me to lose my mind or way two, everyone tip toes around me and winds me up that way instead. I was hoping to phase back into work but every time I time about it I end up having anxiety and panic attacks. Great.
Luckily I manage to force my mind onto a different subject by cooking dinner, I’m enjoying having plans for dinner and making sure I force myself to do something very evening, however the usual always follows… TV, tonight is the return of The Big Bang Theory followed by Young Sheldon then a few chapters of Purity followed by sleep. I need to do something with the evening routine.
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Day Twenty Two
I’m going back to trying the hourly slots plan.
8am - 9am, get up, get breakfast, clean the kitchen and change the loads over.
9am – 10am, prepare dinner and cook lunch for tomorrow, clear up any mess
10am – 11am, put on The Greatest Showman for background noise, hoover house, fold clothes & clean front room
11am – 12noon, write something… anything!
12noon – 1pm, get some food and spend some time outside either clearing up the garden a little or reading outside if the weather is good
1pm – 2pm, put on Fantastic Beast 1 as background noise and start writing something.
To be honest the hour thing was working until about 2pm, I got so into writing that the next time I saw the clock it was 5:30pm, my parents would be home any second so I quickly cleared up my laptop and charger and started chopping the vegetable for the dinner I had planned. Obviously there were timing issues as the rice and vegetables were ready before the chicken but it all worked out in the end. It’s good to see a smile on my parent’s faces and nice to be doing something even if it is yet another chore added to the list of things I’m starting to do on a daily basis. I think it’s a way to tell whether I’m having a good day or bad day, has the carpet been hovered? Yes, she’s had a good day… No, damnit it’s another bad day. Strange how I’ve managed to notice these things but not acted upon it, I’m scared to go back to work, I don’t know how I’d fit back in and honesty I don’t want things to go back to the way they were. I love sorting things out for customers and helping them out but I can’t make everyone happy 100% of the time and that’s the part that killed me. Well, that and the consistent worry that I’ll get thrown under the bus for something didn’t do, I can imagine for the last month I’ve been getting the blame for everything because it’s the easy route for the people I work with and quite frankly I’m bored of working with people who think that, take ownership, take pride and use your skills to create the strongest working environment you can, don’t just shit on people!
The evening follows yet the same path of food, TV and heading upstairs to bed which actually means sit in bed, write something on the laptop then read a few chapters of the current book I’m on, meditate (I think I’m doing this wrong) then try to sleep. I’ve download a sleep tracker app that shows I have about 73% sleep quality as an average through last week, with an average of 7:21 sleep time, no matter how much I try to improve this there doesn’t seem like much I can do to improve this. Oh well another night of trying to sleep all night for eight hours before having no idea what to do tomorrow. Great.
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Day Twenty One
I managed to wake up about ten minutes before my alarm was due to go off thanks to the three dogs play fighting loudly in the morning, pretty sure they woke up the neighbours too. I wonder down stairs and automatically turn on Netflix with thinking, I finish the rest of the McCann documentary before decided to dye my hair while watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, then strip my bed sheets and throw them into the wash. For some reason I chose the worst bedding ever to wash but the soft fleece material is so comforting and warm so I’m sticking with it through the last few weeks of wintery weather.
Realisation kicks in… three weeks, its been three weeks and I’ve not manage to establish any sort of hobby other than reading and Netflix, now don’t get me wrong it’s wonderful to lose yourself into a fictional world and I get why people get so absorbed into fan fiction but honesty it doesn’t feel very productive for me. I wanted to learn an instrument or write something other than my feelings, create my own art through music, lyrics or writing. I’ve done nothing, although I did research and read about folklore and ‘supernatural’ beings for a few days last week and began to form an image in my head.
I managed to write two paragraphs before getting sucked back into Netflix, realising what I’d done then grab my car keys and decided to go shopping and get some lunch, I hadn’t left the house in a couple of days and need to get the last few items off my shopping list I wasn’t able to order online. I also haven’t had a subway in about a year, the menu was completely different but still as good as I remember, plus I had a dog’s nose at my elbow the whole time eating it so it must have smelt good too.
I went back to my laptop hoping to write more but ended watching TV again, waiting for my parents to get home so I could cook, which of course eventually they did and I cooked and I actually stick to the meal plan. I tend to try and find the easy recipes or quickest recipes rather than decent meals most of the time but today, today was different. I don’t think I’ve ever served up so many vegetables with a beautifully cooked piece of tuna steak. I’d really impressed myself on how healthy I’d managed to make dinner but obviously I was wrong, an hour after dinner I found myself eating again, non-stop. Never mind hopefully tomorrow yoghurt-coated chicken will fill me up better.
I watched the latest Fantastic Beast film with Johnny Depp and Jude Law but found that I’d probably have to watch it again as I struggled to follow the dialogue. Looks like I have a new ear infection coming, so much for trying to be physically health to help my mental health but never mind, still waiting for the shopping to be delivery well after the finish of the film I ended up digging out the first Fantastic Beasts only to discover it was still in it’s plastic wrapping that obviously meant that I hadn’t seen the film since it launch at the cinema. Half an hour in with mum falling asleep on the sofa bang goes the door. Finally, I get everything put away as quickly as possible so that I can head upstairs to bed. Shit, the bedding covers are still in the washing machine! No cosy covers for me tonight, after the struggle of falling asleep last night, I do not allow myself to turn on the TV instead opting for a book and slowing drifting off.
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Day Twenty
I woke up at eight planning what to do with the day then find myself looking at the clock at eleven, I didn’t plan on feeling back asleep but apparently I needed it. I got up and baked some cookies and some brownies before starting to do the washing before settling myself down in front of the TV watching the Madeleine McCann documentary on Netflix. I’ve seen non-stop post on Facebook about it, and feel for the parents, there is no significant evidence which points to them, its all hearsay and quite frankly I’m bored of it.
I spend most of the afternoon doing mundane dull chores: washing, ironing, hoover and dusting then watch more TV. Bored of not having any plans of decent food in the house I manage to plan some meals during my Dad watching Guardians of The Galaxy and place an order online through my mums work. Finally my brain has decided to plan something.
I take myself off to bed around ten but end up sat on the computer looking for more jobs, checking social media, then find myself watching more Netflix. It hits midnight and I try to sleep, guess the reading before bed had been helping me establish a routine, but its too late to get absorbed into a book so I toss and turn until I drift off.
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Day Nineteen
Only had four hours sleep but I’m awake and still buzzing from the night before, I never seen anyone famous in London other than musicians I actually gone out to see but there he was, my favourite actor, all smiles and happiness. He’s one of those actors that portrays the British culture exactly how it should be, welcoming, open, honest and genuine you’re happy to admit you’re British when people compare you the likes of him. I also seem to have people messaging me on making sure I got back okay, that’s a first, normally that’s me messaging that to someone else.
Not going to lie 15 drinks probably wasn’t a good idea, since waking up I’ve eaten what ever I can get my hands on, drank two really poorly made tea and watched Netflix. I casually browse through job sites without applying for anything before adverting my full attention back onto Netflix. Six hours pass, I lost six hours binging on a crappy Netflix series although I’m seriously in need of some more sleep, I managed to grab another two hours before getting back up and joining the family for dinner, more TV then head upstairs for a quick dip in the bath before following the usual bed night routine, book and bed.
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Day Eighteen
My mind hates me, my body’s so lethargic and bloated, I have plans to go out tonight with a friend, plans in which I thinking about bailing. I finished watching the rest of The Order on Netflix then focus on applying for more jobs as well as researching Universities for courses I think I should take. Eventually time ticks away and I should start getting ready to go out. Still massively hesitant, not sure I really want to drink either.
I finally start making my way into London, the two-hour bus journey is completely taken up by reading and I ended an hour earlier than I needed to be. Great. I do enjoy walking around London though and I did have tickets for a theatre production near Leicester Square that I’ve never been too so I walk the thirty minutes from Victoria to the theatre only to see the stage door and my favourite actor stood in front of it. I didn’t try to speak to him or go over to see him(there was quite a queue forming anyway) so stealing a few glances over and seeing that breath taking smile of his encourages me to smile, the short five minute walk from the theatre to the tube station felt amazing. I was so elevated and happy to have seen him even in the torrential rain getting soaked to the skin I could stop smiling.
I get to Camden and continue down to the venue I’m meeting my friend at and the feeling of dread starts seeping in, should I have been here? Should I have just gone home with the elevated mood and try to keep hold of it? Fuck, I’m terrified of being judged by my friend when he sees that state I’m in after that rain. I also end up see a few other friends and worry the same thing. I’m in dyer need of liquid confidence.
14 rum and cokes, a bottle of water and a JD and coke later and its been fun, really fun, I’ve learnt more about a few friends and in returned offered support as well as receiving it. I’ve had a smile on my face since maybe drink five, I’ve managed to hold a conversation with an old friend that I hardly speak to anymore and even had to press that horrid, scary play button on the DJ decks when everyone’s merrily dancing around. There’s nothing more awkward then the music fading to silence and you’re stood there behind a computer and desk not knowing what happen or what to do next, yes, I know that from experience.
I opted to walk for a bit afterwards, needed to sober up a little bit before the bus journey back so I made my way from Marble Arch down to Notting Hill Gate in the hour I had to wait for the bus, (literally watched it pull away as I came out of the tube station) I can’t say I remember the bus getting to the next stop, I was out like a light, by the time I woke up an hour had passed and I was back in Oxford, quick taxi home, quick cuddle with the dogs then bed.
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Day Seventeen
For the first time in weeks I woke up refreshed and ready to do something, whether that’s because I have a tattoo session booked in today or the online course I’m half way through I’m not sure but first a little bit of self care, a quick shower and breakfast, I cant remember the last time I had cereal. I allow myself an hour to watch Riverdale, before looking into new jobs or even going back to university, do I really want to add to my student loan debt?
I gave in to the call of Netflix and watched more episodes of The Order; I also look into more Greek mythology and this time Germanic folklore. I got so distracted by The Order that I’m thankful I’d set an alarm to remind me to call into work and go to the tattoo studio, my phone call to work lasts a few seconds before I rush out to get the my tattoo appointment, I didn’t really need to rush considering I got there fifteen minutes early but ended up getting in the studio straight away, I watched the artist tattoo the angel rune then ended up watching the film he’d got on in the background as background noise. It was a Liam Neeson film, I’m guessing some sort of action/horror film but I have no idea what it was.
I get home to see my mum’s car and settle into the front room with her looking at more job sites and applying for more jobs. I need something new, something away from rude builders and lazy managers. It makes my blood boil thinking about work, I guess that’s way the doctor now thinks I have anxiety issues towards going back. As per usual it’s dinner, brain-numbing TV, a few chapters of my book and then sleep. Great.
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Day Sixteen
Today I plan on doing everything in blocks, try and motivate myself to do something, I spend an hour planning what I want to achieve today with Thor playing in the background, I spend the next hour trying ‘self-care’ techniques, my next hour block consists of cleaning and hovering followed by an hour slot of ironing. Seriously how dull am I?! I spend the rest of the afternoon looking into Greek mythology and reading about folklore. I’ve always found ‘supernatural’ creatures fascinating, this lead me to watch the first few episodes of The Order on Netflix before starting an online course on creative writing.
I spent the whole evening reading and listening to the online course and managed to get 50% of the work done. Following this I spent half an hour looking through pinterest before heading upstairs to finish reading Eve of Man and begin reading Purity written by Jonathan Franzen then gave meditation a try before falling asleep.
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Day Sixteen
Slow start again; force out of bed by the puppy that’s obviously bored of being downstairs by himself. Quickly change over the loads and wash my shoes even though I can’t think of a reason why I did though considering I have no plans to go out, I had tried to organise a trip out with friends to the cinema but it urns out they went and did it without me. I watched the latest instalment of Shadowhuntes before numbingly pushing around the hoover trying to figure out my next step, which ends up watching TV. Dull day, boring life, I continue to watch TV after my Mum gets home, followed by laying aimlessly in bed trying to encourage the thought of sleep, a few chapters of my book, a few hours wasted, praying to feel different tomorrow.
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Day Fifteen
Slow start to the day, just like Sunday, two hours of rolling around before I eventually got up. Following the trip to the cinema on goes Iron Man while I try to decide what to do with myself today, I guess I’m having a Marvel day. I watched Iron Man and Hulk with the dogs curled up in the front room with me, ordered pizza so I don’t have to cook anything for lunch. I started watching Captain America only to pause it and decide to go out. I only need to go out and get milk but for some reason I find myself driving to the tattoo studio and book myself in for three small tattoos for Friday. Quickly pop into the shop grab the milk and by the time I get home my Dad’s back from work.
Perfect timing for a brew, as I reflect over how little I’ve achieved in two days I begin to remember why I was trying so hard to keep busy and kept ‘cleaning the slate’ so to speak. Honesty it’s because I’m actually quite dull and boring, I’ve fallen into this reality away from social media where I genuinely do nothing yet my Instagram and Facebook are full of ‘exciting’ memories or random happy pictures. Self-reflection is good on one hand but actually made me realise my loneliness on the other hand, which sucks, I’ve had three friends message me today wanting to know how I’m doing and what I’m doing and all I can do is reply with the British standard of ‘yer I’m okay how’s you?’ its almost as if I want to be alone! Socialising was 10 year ago me, it used to be so easy but now I see all the negatives in the world and am for some reason afraid. Worried about what someone might say about me or rejection from a social group, seems oddly pathetic but is some what of an animal instinct within me, I see it in the dogs, they are a pack of three which welcome in a number of different dogs including my brother’s terriers, my cousin’s husky yet reject the neighbours staffy.
I finish watching Captain America with my dad as we try and trace the Tesseract through the marvel films then quickly escape up into my room, my safe space where I can hide away and try to plan something. I was hoping to apply for jobs today but I didn’t have any confidence to fill out any application forms. I’ve also not submitted an online form for some temp jobs over the summer I usually do because I keep finding excuse after excuse not to do it! I’m really starting to get on my own nerves! However rather then sit here growing angry at myself before trying to get some sleep I guess its time to read some Eve of Man then try to drift off.
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Day Fourteen
For the first time in two weeks my alarm is set, I plan to get up at 7 (half 7 in reality) and take my mum’s car down to the local garage then walk back, next is to quickly clean up the house and take the rubbish down the local recycling centre, followed by a drive over to my old school to donate some old books to the library there and onto the doctors. A twenty-minute wait gives me some time to read more of Eve of Man, I wonder down the corridor to the doctors office where it takes a few minutes for her to remember me and then as if by magic manages to describe pretty much every feeling I’ve had over the last two weeks. She offers me medication and counselling but I’m still unsure on why I feel the way I do therefore I think I’d be wasting a counsellor’s time when they could be speaking to someone else. I’ve now have anxiety issues to add to my growing list of things I’m meant to be recovering from.
After the doctors I head back in to Oxford for a volunteering open day for the Oxford Museum, I quickly realise I’m the youngest and dumbest person there and look for my exit opportunity, I stayed anyway and actually impressed a few of those there with ideas and getting 8 out of 8 correct on the restoration game before finding my exit, I wonder back through Oxford and see an old college friend and reminisced the days when we would go to shitty little music venues to watch shitty little bands some of which you see playing stadiums and arenas now. I head back home, wash the car and start cooking dinner before heading back down to the garage to pick up my mum’s car before sitting down for dinner with the family then taking them out to the cinema to see Captain Marvel, which means I’ll be watching Marvel films all day tomorrow to work out how everything still fits together but for now Eve of Man and sleep.
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Day Thirteen
Bad start, laid in bed until about 11 before forcing myself up, today both my parents will be in the house so I’ll have to find somewhere to stow away and stay out of the way. The most productive thing I can think of it clearing my room, there were week’s worth of washed clothes piled in a washing basket in the corner of my room due to complete and utter lack of interest in anything. I start with Star Wars Episode 1 playing in the background as I start clearing. By the end of the film I’ve only managed to pick everything up and throw it onto the bed. In goes Episode 2, I manage to start clearing the flat surfaces and even begin to dust before rearranging and organising the storage of the far too many clothes I have but still manage to find some excuse to keep them. With the second film finished and dinner served seems like a good time to take a break.
Episode 3 on and I’m starting to feel productive and that progress has been made, I can physically see the carpet and rug as I walk into my room as well as sit comfortably on my empty and clean bed. I also managed to dig out and set up an old iMac that I left in a corner out of the way. I also found my old painting supplies and a blank canvas; look like I’ll be doing some painting at some point. As Episode 3 comes to an end it seems like the perfect time to settle down for bed, plan tomorrows days and read a few chapters of Eve of Man before falling asleep.
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Day Twelve
Why do I feel like I’m a burden to everyone? I thought I was doing okay, I thought I was improving but it took me two hours to get out of bed even when I did I sat straight on the sofa and cried my eyes out for a solid hour. I barely spoke to anyone today; I took the dogs for a walk with my dad but didn’t really say much the whole walk. At least I got out of the house though right? I spend an hour on the Wii before trying to do a cross stitch that I spent half an hour on before I’d realised I’d gone wrong and unpicked the whole thing. I’ll start it again in the week where distractions are limited. I haven’t felt myself at all today so I sat with my parents while the TV was on and looked for new jobs and even looked at going back to University although the though of that makes me feel quite ill, if I did go back I would Graduate until I was 30, I’d be that weird old person who’s trying to start their life over but just gets into debt instead. Unproductive day followed by bed. Great.
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Day Eleven
I could have very easily spent all day in bed today; I laid there for an hour or so feeling nothing. I forced myself to put on some My Chemical Romance to help motivate me to do something. First on the list head back into Oxford and exchange something from Primark which was a lot easier then I expected, I’ve never returned something before, it’s a cheap shop so I never saw the point but actually when I spend £10 on something then discover 50% of that item is missing I’ve kinda lost £5 for not reason. Of course being in Oxford means it’s gunna cost me £3 parking for an hour as well as the ten minutes I was in Primark, so of course I locate the closest book shop and waste the rest of my hour in there (ok half an hour) before conveniently wondering into a doughnut shop on the way back to the car. So three more books to read, three doughnuts to eat and a few new items from Primark and I’m home again. Lets not jump back into bed!
I gave in to Netflix and watched the last few editions to the series that I’ve been watching, the latest Shadowhunters, pointing out the difference between the books and the show. Then watch Riverdale with a tear in my eye when Luke Perry pops up on screen, I force myself to use the WiiFit again and spend an hour doing a mix of muscle workouts, yoga and boxing, feeling how weak my muscle have become after I stopped horse riding and dancing. I know I have things planned for the evening but part of me really couldn’t be bothered to try to get dressed but I did it anyway, I spent an hour with my best friend, her boyfriend and two of his mates realising that I’m so socially awkward now that I can’t even hold a conversation for more than a few minutes but I have an escape plan and left heading out on a drive to a music venue to see a tribute band from My Chemical Romance. I know three out of the five guys in the band and saw an old face from the first time I went to Slam Dunk, it was so easy for me to have conversations and make friends about 10 years ago but the thought terrifies me now. I left after their set, I tried to hang around and meet people but I just felt out of place. When I got home it took me ages to fall asleep which lead to me crying my eyes out, I must have drifted off at some point though.
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