secondhandnotion

[secondhandnotion]

Haven't touched this in two years. Hello again, to all the people not reading this. Enjoy my chats with the void.

The thing that's been on my mind the most recently is whether I'm gay or not. I've already committed to working with LGBTQ+ in the ministry I'm in, and I know damn well I'm doing it for myself more than I let on to others. Yeah, of course I want that acceptance, love, and freedom for others. But I'd be a bold-faced liar if I didn't admit that it's a sort of investment for my potential future well-being.

Boys are fine, but girls, man. Idk. They feel more exciting. The cute photos of straight couples are great and all, but lesbian couples? Amazing.

Maybe I just want that close companionship. But I don't know....being with a girl just sounds more fun. And if I pursue a guy, I feel like I'll always wonder what I could've had with a girl. With a girl, I feel like I'll wonder less.

Then again, I'm not sure how I'll ever trust somebody enough to do a real relationship. I don't know how to be with someone that much, or how to enjoy something that long. So why bother with the drama of coming out in a Christian work context?

I do have a sense that I'm going to end up with someone, but it could just be wishful thinking. But hope is just an uncertain prophecy. I think I'll stick with it.

[secondhandnotion]

7/11/18

Antidepressants are wonderful things. I started taking taking citalopram last fall, then switched because I had a real bad depressive/suicidal episode. Now I'm on the wellbutrin/zoloft combo. Overall, it's been very good for me. I feel more and have genuinely been happy and in a good mood - something that happens far too infrequently. There are more ups and downs, but that's natural, and I'm thankful for it.

The downside to my meds is that I am wayyyy angrier. I figure it's just because I was an unfeeling husk for like 3 years, so a little bit of anger feels overwhelming, but idk. I'm willing to tough that out, though.

Not feeling too great recently though. Another perk of knowing what feelings are nowadays is that I can now recognize when things are getting bad. Do I do anything different? No, not really. But it's nice to know.

My faith has been on a rollercoaster. I don't often spend time with God. I reluctantly blame this depressive episode I'm in. Cause, honestly, I try, ya know? It can't be all me - it can't just be laziness. At the end of the day, I turn to God. I want my life to serve God. But it's these details - these in between moments - that everything in me protests submission. I'm not really sure what to make of it. Hopefully, I'll make something of it someday.

[secondhandnotion]

Part 1

I didn't have many/any friends when I was younger. Just my half brothers (both older) to socialize with. This led to social awkwardness in elementary school and diffuculty making lasting friendships. This was the start. As I realized that I wasn't doing as well socially, I obviously tried to fit in. I did this by trying to be good at sports, doing what the cool kids were doing, etc. This was met with varying success. So I decided to observe instead. See what made cool kids cool. The way they talk, their posture, things like that. Essentially, I took account the little things, since the little things were usually easily achievable. Step two. This was helpful, to a certain extent. Helped me handle awkward situations a little better, usually through percieved apathy. Regardless, this led me to take in social cues constantly. Along with this, I overanalyzed just about every social encounter along with my response to it. I did this so I could impove next time, be more prepared. Three. As I grew, I started coming upon new situations that I didn't know how to respind to, so I resorted back to my awkward nature. And I hated it. I tried to think of ways to combat this. But how was I to fight something I'd never faced before? Solution: Imagine situations that I feel I might have to face. Which turned out to be anything from an awkward conversation to being held at gunpoint, defying the enemy for the sake of the people I love. Which is harmless, when in small doses. But I'm not one for moderation. It was a bit of an imaginitive obsession. An indulgence really. Taking myself on an emotional rollercoaster of my creation. It was lovely and heartbreaking. But it became numbing It would often play out into anxious thoughts (i.e. what if a school shooter walks in right now). Originally, I would imagine that I'd do something super heroic and save the day kind of thing. But as I rode the rollercoaster a few too many times, I wondered if I would react at all if they barged in and shoot someone right in front of me (I vividly remember the moment I thought that). Four. This wasn't entirely the reason I became messed up like I did. But this was a fundamental part in my depression (?). Maybe that is what anxiety is. That would make sense.

#depression #anxiety #thoughts #part 1 #tbc #idk tho

[secondhandnotion]

Future

I believe that your inner being consists of the entities: mind, heart, and soul. And my mind and heart have been a bit useless these past two years. Not completely, but they were crappy enough that now I rely on my soul, and hence why I am changing my direction for the future. Currently, my college transcript will tell you that I'm in Music Education, and even though my heart and brain kind of want that, I know that's not the direction I should head in. And it is pretty risky, but I feel a call to ministry. Now my relationship with God and the church isn't very strong, mind you. It's pretty weak. I've spent a lot of the past few years being mad at God for a lot of things that have happened to me. I've been suicidal, still am occasionally. But to be completely honest, if God's not real/good, I see no point in me living. Yeah I know, "make your own meaning", whatever, but eventually this earth will crumble and nothing will matter. Despite how much "good" I do, the sun will dry up or the earth will implode and my name along with every other name will be erased. And I am too emotionally dead to live in a world without any hope for my soul to heal. I feel so removed from everything, honestly the bet that there is a God out there is one of the only things keeping me here. And God is about the only thing to really touch soul. A couple of people have, but that might have to do with God too. I'm just following what I'm feeling I guess. Anyway, I'm following my soul now. Will I probably be playing music in the future? Most likely. But I think God's gonna keep me living. Not music alone. Sorry if this is incoherent. It's 1 am on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning during midterms.

#future #god #jesus #holyspirit #sad #ramble #I hope I'm right

[secondhandnotion]

I worry about you a lot.

For the time I’ve known you, I’ve accepted what you do as normalcy, because of my general lack of interaction with others. To put it better, you have more experience.

Yet....

I know the things you have to deal with, or an idea of it anyway. I feel like you’re a bit further away from everything than you’d like to be. I think that, because you tend to laugh or smile and say “It’s wasn’t really that bad” whenever you tell me about something that’s happened recently. Because sometime those things are worrisome, and God forbid you worry anyone ever. 

I mean I get it, but still. 

It’s one of two things: 

1. You’ve numbed yourself to it. I get it. I did it too. But it still isn’t good. I hope you’ve addressed it, if that’s the case. Also you’re much more diligent and better at pretending. Go you. 

2. That truly is your reality. Nothing feels wrong. The motions you’re moving through feel right. 

I don’t know. I just feel like you’re more aware then you let on. We should talk about it sometime. Let’s go get coffee downtown sometime. Talk about serious stuff. Maybe ask what I think about religion. My childhood. And I’ll ask you. It’ll be good, I promise. 

#we'll sit there and sip cold coffee til it is a good experience lol #miss you #i dropped enough hints #you should know im talking to you #if you ever find this #love you always

[secondhandnotion]

Love and me

I want to believe that love is the most important thing in the world. That it can break down any barrier in its way.

I still do believe this, in a way.

But the problem with that is I am some kind of mentally ill cocktail of depression/depersonalization and I don’t really feel much of anything unless it’s overwhelming.

Which often it is not. Usually it’s just small gestures, which I still appreciate the effort, but…. I only really respond the way I do for your sake. Even after all of this, I still put you in front of me everytime.

Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe that’s why I feel this way. Because I refuse to be in the front.

Yet, love is putting someone else before yourself, right?

Yet I can’t make any good and new connections while being at college. Because I can’t sense the vibes of others the way I used to. I don’t feel the empathy that I used to. I don’t feel the longing, and I can’t keep a conversation to save my life because it’s just empty up there. Trying to make small talk is a work out because I have to hunt for any scraps of conversation material in my wasteland of a brain.

It’s hard as hell. I’ll keep going though. It’s just miserable. I don’t want to live like this, with all this wasted time I’ve accumulated. I just wish love would come through for me.

#depression #depersonalization #sad #love #pondering #help #if y'all want to come in clutch for me and love me #that'd be swell

[secondhandnotion]

Hey, back again. I'm a freshman in college right now, and for the past few years of my life, I've felt very removed from it. Emotionally numb essentially. Call it depression, depersonalization/derealization, whatever. It started a bit slowly, and I decided that the lack of inhibitions that being emotionally numb allows was me finally getting over my anxious tendencies and being more confident. Which I was, to an extent, but it is a slippery slope. Once you start putting up walls and blocking out emotions you don't want to feel, you end up blocking all of them. You don't have the luxury of being selective. And you feel alone, hopeless. But I was 15 or so and sad and lonely and likely had some anxiety of some kind. I was miserable and the numbing was good, helpful eveb. At the time I thought that was the way everyone dealt with things (since my parents never bothered to teach me how). I still don't know how, truthfully. On a side note, I think it's ironically sad that people long to not get bothered by things like someone like me. Grass is always greener I suppose. So I'm rambling like this because I am sitting on my lofted bed in my dorm at 1 am, thinking about how I want to share my struggles with my friend from back home, but at the same time I don't. Why? Well: 1. What am I even supposed to say? "I'm emotionally numb and it's hard for me to keep relationships when I get no emotional satisfaction from anything? Sorry I'm a dick sometimes, I forget that I effect people and that I'm actually here and this isn't a video game I can press reset on?" 2. I don't like burdening her like that. I care alot about her and her well being as much as I can being the slightly sentient person that I am. 3. She's not going to know what to say. She's going to feel very uncomfortable. 4. Also I'm very stubborn and I don't share my struggles with anyone really. 5. I just worry for her. I don't even want her to think that this can be a reality. But the pros of telling her?: 1. I might feel a lot better. 2. Friendship and stuff. 3. She might say something helpful? 4. She might go out of her way to check up on me? (Yet I don't want to worry her too much though, ya know?) I've just felt like shit today. I'm sensing a dull feeling of impending doom (anxiety) because of schoolwork deadlines and the fact that it's been years and I haven't gotten myself out of it. Yet I'm not sure if I'll be any good being super anxious and emotional again. Maybe it's better that nothing phases me. Maybe not. I don't know. We'll see.

#depression #anxiety #depersonalization #derealization #ramblings

[secondhandnotion]

Vulnerability

I think that's what I'm lacking. Love is sacrifice. I know this. It's the simplest and most fundamental thing about love. But, vulnerability is part of that. Being vulnerable is giving no guarantee that you will get any positive emotional return from someone. That's what makes it special. You give all you want, you can buy them dinner or nice gifts or take them cool places but if you can't grow to be vulnerable with them, then it won't be satisfying. Not in the way that matters. That's what I've learned recently. I haven't done it yet but I'm going to try to head that way. It will be hard, because I am a very stubborn person who is deathly afraid of rejection, so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to pull through. I don't know. We will see.

#love #vulnerability #feeling #ugh #thoughts #emotions

[secondhandnotion]

Hi Like it says in my heading, I'm going to use this to work through things by putting it where someone can see it. I have a consistent problem (via social anxiety/depression) of not really talking to anyone, especially not about my issues. So I'll work through my thoughts of this as a way of healing. A sort of journal maybe. But I think putting my thoughts out in a more visible way will help me with it, concrete what I know is true and work through the muddy areas. So thanks for reading, following, etc.

#depression #anxiety #social anxiety #thoughts