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seeingivy · 4 days

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sweet nothing

actor!eren x f!reader

**part of my method acting fic

previous part linked here

songs mentioned: minor mentions of slut by taylor swift, new year's day by taylor swift, end of beginning by djo, turning page by sleeping at last, sweet nothing by taylor swift, and must be love by laufey

It feels like every new piece of information that comes your way is overwhelming as the weeks fly by. And really, that sinking feeling that things are coming to an end only feels deeper, more final as the days dwindle down to the end.

Jean and Mikasa are getting married in two days. Your last day of filming together as a cast is in three. Lana and Sukuna are having another kid and you’re almost positive that Eren is in love with you.

You have two weeks together before you part ways.

Every second that the group of you spent together felt like the moments were only slipping out of your fingers, like you were hopelessly trying to hold onto a needle in a stack of hay. It was almost impulsive the way you were trying to linger around everyone – to memorize every last detail of the memories so that you can’t forget them when they leave.

Falco and Gabi eat cereal in the morning before they go to set, Levi has a mole near his left eye, Eren loses all of his guitar picks.

You shuffle through the stack of polaroids in your hand – an endless stack of pictures of Miaksa and Jean – and get more frustrated looking down at the empty page on your notebook. Eren’s handwriting is perfectly lined up at the top, light scribbles of lyrics and words he’s changed for the song you were gifting Jean.

I spy with my little tired eye Tiny as a firefly A pebble that we picked up last July Down deep inside your pocket We almost forgot it Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

Eren explained that Jean and Mikasa, after getting engaged (for the second time), took a two month trip where they just traveled together. Most of the pictures are from that time period actually – of Jean and Mikasa drunk in random bars, cheesing in front of billowing green hills, or napping on picnic blankets.

You look up at the two of them, clearly relieving some wedding stress by getting tipsy, and dancing with Falco and Gabi a few feet away. You can’t help but smile as Mikasa teaches Falco how to dance – and how he profusely apologizes every time he steps on her feet. It’s almost as sweet as Gabi and Jean who are trying to do the most aggressive slow dance known to man and that neither of them seem to be taking seriously in the slightest.

“Who’s getting injured first?”

You look to your right to find Eren hovering over your shoulder, his hair damp from the shower and the sweet smell of his soap still emanating off of his skin. He gives you a boyish grin before taking the seat next to you on the couch, leaning his chin on your shoulder as you watch the group of them.

“I’m sure Mikasa needs a bandaid already. Falco has stepped on her feet ten times already.”

“Poor guy. I’ve never seen him stress out over something so bad.” Eren states.

“What do you mean?”

Eren laughs.

“He’s freaking out about the wedding. He’s really worried that Gabi won’t enjoy it with him as her date – because he can’t dance and that sometimes he can’t think of things to talk about when he gets nervous.”

You frown.

“Baby.”

“Tell me about it. Last night he was in my room asking my opinions on pick up lines and how you even initiate dancing with someone.” Eren states.

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him that he should suggest getting matching tattoos. I know girls love that type of thing.”

You turn your head to glare at him.

“I know you didn’t encourage my sixteen year old brother to get a tattoo.”

Eren shrugs.

“What’s the difference between sixteen and eighteen? He’s a big kid.”

“He would get a tattoo of a cat jumping on a trampoline if he could. And that’s horrible advice.”

Eren grins.

“Worked on you, didn’t it?”

You shove him in the side, earning you a laugh from him, as he takes the opportunity to peek down at the page – mainly at the fact that you haven't been able to write anything. You sink back into the couch as he offers you a smile, before flipping through the rest of the pages.

“I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Are you ever going to release any of these songs? I really think some of them are great.”

You lean over his shoulder to follow his line of vision, to all of the songs that you had produced out of the requests that you had been given. You eye the song he’s fixated on – called Slut, that you wrote for Sasha – as you shrug.

“I do really like some of them.” you offer.

“I really love this one. I think it’s perfect. And a lot of them are.” Eren adds.

You lean back on the couch.

“I know that…things are ending. And I have to think seriously about what I want to do after I leave here but sometimes it gets complicated when I think about it. But I am sure that...that I'll do something. In some capacity.” you state.

Eren leans back to join you, leaning his damp locks against your shoulder. You mimic his motions, leaning your cheek against his hair and welcoming the cold touch.

“I like being here and…and being here makes the songs and the acting really easy. I feel like I have that support system, of people who care about me, who can kind of help me push through it. The thought of having to figure out things without people helping me when I leave here and…and not having that makes it seem impossible.” you state.

“You don’t need other people to –”

“I know I don’t need other people to do this, that I can write songs and act if I need to. But, I need them for me. I’ve spent a lot of time alone and I realized I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be here forever, I’ve…I feel like I barely appreciated the time I had here and now it’s almost over and I can’t do anything about it.”

It’s horrible timing. That the song in Connie’s playlist switches.

There's glitter on the floor after the party Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor You and me from the night before, but

You both sink deeper into the couch, cheeks pink as the song stops the conversation in full. You can feel that the group of them are all averting their eyes to where you and Eren are sitting, though none of them seem to comment on the fact that your love ballad is booming from the speakers. You turn to Eren and offer him a smile, one that he returns before nervously fiddling with his hair.

“You still have time left here. You can make the most of it. And even after we leave here, we’re all still backing you up. It might not be all of us all in the same place but…but we’re here when you need us.” Eren states.

“Yeah. I know that. But it’s just different.”

You pause, unable to put the garbled mess of feelings that’s rumbling in your chest into words.

Three days ago Levi told you that they were going to put the house up for sale when you were leaving – and the thought of never being able to come back here, that someone else would be sleeping in your room and you’d never be able to return to it made you sick to your stomach.

You had read the last bits of the script and it was perfect – except for the blank portions that Levi left in one of the sections. He had mentioned that he wanted you and Eren to do something similar to what you were going to do for the “what am I to you scene?” where he was going to ask you to improv whatever he had planned.

There was a sense of urgency when he mentioned it, because that was actually going to end up being the last scene that you ever filmed. Because Mikasa and Jean were going to get married on Friday, the last day of filming with the entire ensemble was Saturday, and they were all out of there by Sunday night.

And for the entire week that followed, you, Levi, Hange, and Eren were going to be in the house alone. Hange mentioned it as a sort of gift that Levi wanted to give you – that he wanted to grant the two of you time alone before you parted your separate ways.

(Apparently he was just sentimental. Or projecting, according to Hange. And part of it was just that he understood because when he had his last weekend of filming La La Land with Hange, he just wanted them all to himself before he had to let them go. That he wanted that for you and Eren or just for himself instead.)

The thought of being alone with Eren in the house, the way you were when you started filming all those years ago, made your stomach churn with anticipation. Only because you knew – that if something was going to blossom between you and Eren, if you were able to let go of whatever it was that was holding either of you back – it was going to be then.

Or at the wedding.

You had visited the venue with Eren a few days prior and the outdoor, woodsy venue that Jean and Mikasa had picked out was eerily similar to where Levi and Hange had their vow renewal. They were leaning into the same energy – of a backyard wedding, with all of their closest friends – and you were half convinced that the setting alone would have you word vomiting everything to Eren.

Don't read the last page But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

Eren reaches forward, placing his hand on top of your head, before he slightly rattles your head.

“Okay, that’s enough being emo for today. Quit being sad and focus on writing the song. Jean is expecting something really great, you know?”

You groan.

“Don’t tell me that. I hyped it up so much to him just because he was being annoying but I’m really scared that he won’t like it. Every lyric I write is so ridiculously idiotic that I end up wanting to throw my entire book away.”

“You’re trying too hard. Just do what feels natural.”

You’re not sure why the thought crosses your mind, but right after it does it fills you with a bout of embarrassment. Because if you did what was natural, you’d lean forward and close the space between the two of you, only because you couldn’t help but feel like you were getting intoxicated by how much you wanted him every time you were alone like this.

But that was just the thing. You weren’t alone. There were at least seven different people in the room. And the fact that it felt so intimate, so bare every time you talked to him like you were the only two people in the room made it impossible to be around him.

Levi walks into the room with Hange, the two of them juggling cardboard boxes in their hands. Levi nearly drops all of them when Gabi and Jean almost salsa dance straight into him, but luckily enough, Niccolo is able to steer them in a different direction before they can.

Hange and Levi set the boxes down at the center table, before gesturing for all of you to join them around the table. Eren holds a hand out to you – and it makes your stomach churn when he doesn’t let go as you both walk all the way to the table.

You can’t help but focus on it. That you’re all circled around the table, that Niccolo is handing Sasha his water bottle, that Falco and Gabi are out of breath, and that Eren has his hand tucked into yours as he intently waits for Levi and Hange to explain.

“As you guys all know, we’re going to be giving up the house in around a week. I know it feels a little early, but we need to start making preparations since things are going to start wrapping up really fast.” Levi states.

“And this part is only logical. You guys were the ones who put the polaroids up. It’s only fair that you’re the ones who are going to take them down.” Hange adds.

You feel your throat dry.

“What?” Armin asks.

“We can’t exactly leave them all up. Imagine how horrifying that would be for whoever moved in here after – just thousands of pictures of strangers that they didn’t know.” Levi states.

“They would be so lucky. We’re literally famous.” Connie huffs.

“Okay, Connie. Relax. Even then, I figured that you guys would want to keep some as you guys got ready to leave here. We can toss whatever it is you don’t want to keep.” Hange resopnds.

It just keeps getting worse. You can’t even stomach the fact that they would even consider throwing any of the pictures away, let alone being so ready to pull them all off of their respective spots on the wall.

“Are you insane? You can’t just throw our childhood away.” Reiner states.

“Well, you can keep all of the stragglers. Drown in the polaroids in your penthouse apartment, Reiner.” Levi deadpans.

“Oh, I plan on it.” Reiner responds, glaring at the two of them.

You can tell that Levi and Hange were well prepared for the pushback. And you understand the frustrations, or at least the panic, everyone seems to be expressing. Armin’s trying to delay whatever this is to the best of his abilities – saying that the wedding pictures would be perfect with all of the polaroids in the background. Reiner said that taking everything down was only fair when Eren got to be a part of the death wall, and Sasha and Mikasa are already fighting over how they’re supposed to divvy up polaroids that we’re all in.

And you get it, but all it does is fill you with the sinking pit of despair.

This was the start. Taking all of the pictures down, wrapping your childhood into a little cardboard box and never returning to it again – at least not in the same way.

The song from the playlist switches, finally mellowing out the ends of your voice, before changing to a different song.

Levi’s ears immediately perk up at the sound of his own voice, booming through the speakers.

Just one more tear to cry One teardrop from my eye You better save it for The middle of the night

When things aren't black and white Enter, Troubadour Remember twenty-four?

And when I'm back in Chicago, I feel it Another version of me, I was in it I wave goodbye to the end of beginning

“Who is playing this?” Levi asks.

“Connie.” Eren offers.

Levi shakes his head, almost like it’s thrown him a distraction, before he hands each of you the boxes and a marker. You all start begrudgingly inking your name into the cardboard, before halfheartedly clutching it to your chests. A few of them make the first move, until it’s just you and Armin left lingering in the kitchen, unable to move.

“Jesus fuck, Hange. Why would he play this song?” Levi whispers, stuck in a conversation under his breath with Hange.

“The timing is uncanny. Don’t go crying on them now.” Hange states.

The two of them shuffle out of the room as you turn to Armin, noting the warm tears that are filling his eyes, as you offer him one of your hands. He opts to link his hand through yours, as you both task yourself with walking over to the fridge first, as you stare at all six of the polaroids stuck under the magnet.

“I really don’t want to do this.” Armin whispers.

“Me neither.”

He snags the first polaroid off of the fridge, of Erwin wearing a sparkly pink apron with Kiss the Chef embroidered into the front pocket. You distinctly remember when Eren had gifted it to Erwin for his birthday – and how he refused to stand in the kitchen without wearing it, even if he wasn’t cooking anything.

“This picture doesn’t belong anywhere but here.” Armin states.

You snort. You can see that Armin hesitates, but he settles for putting it in the box.

“We’ll make a pile on the main table, of who is in each picture. Then…then people can fight it out for who gets to keep which one.”

“Good idea.”

It’s quiet, leave for Levi’s voice booming through the speakers, as you and Armin start yanking the pictures off of the wall. The wallpaper has been fading for years, but it’s only more obvious when you start ripping the pictures out to see the brighter color that was covered underneath.

Armin stops you every few seconds, only to pull on your arm to show you a picture. It’s quiet smiles that you give each other, when you find one of him and Annie, or he gives you one of Hange, and it makes it the slightest bit easier.

But some of the memories hit you like a bullet train, only because you can’t fathom how much of them you’ve actually forgotten. You only remembered that Falco and Colt had actually been to set before, years before they were even on the show, when Eren flew them out to surprise you for your birthday. Or that on that same day, Mikasa and Armin were the ones to gift you the first notebook that you had ever scribbled your lyrics in.

They were so deeply intertwined in the memories – every single one. You suppose that’s probably why it was the hardest to let go, to walk away from all of them and limit them to just being pictures in a box.

And when I'm back in Chicago, I feel it Another version of me, I was in it I wave goodbye to the end of beginning (Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye)

“Armin.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think about that night? In Seattle?” you ask.

He pauses, abandoning the polaroid fixed in his fingers – of you and Historia cheek to cheek – as he sinks against the wall and sits on the floor. You join him on the ground, looping in your arm through his, as you lean your head against his shoulder.

“Sometimes.”

“Me too.”

“I try to pinpoint moments where it feels like things changed. And there are lots of them, but I do find myself always going back to that one. Things felt so weird and out of line in the months before that, I felt like we were all moving in different directions, and that really solidified it.” Armin states.

You pause.

“Yeah, yeah I agree. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things. But I also don’t.”

“What do you mean?” Armin asks.

“My first instinct when Eren and I started fighting was to ask him to tell the truth, to come with us and that we’d fix everything. Knowing what I know now, I wish that I had fought harder – that I trusted my gut more because I could clearly feel that something was wrong. But I also don’t, because sometimes I think the way things played out is how it needed to be, for me to feel how I am right now.” you state.

“How do you feel now?”

You pause.

“I remember when we took Connie home with us and…and he started screaming at us. I felt really hopeless. I feel like watching him act like that, to be struggling so much, really sank me into that pit I was in. But I guess, I don’t know. Maybe I needed to see that and how he is now, to see how Sukuna was and how he is now, and Lana too to know that maybe there’s some way out of it for me too after I leave here.” you state.

Armin smiles.

“I’m really happy for Lana and Sukuna.”

You grin.

“I’m really happy for Connie too. And Eren and…and us too. So much has happened that I really can't even wrap my mind around everything that has happened, but sometimes all I’m left with is that I feel really grateful that we’re all here right now. Especially you and me. Sometimes I forget that you and I faced the worst of it together and…and that we’re here right now, the way that we are, just kind of…fixes it all in my mind.”

“I agree. I feel like we saw the worst of it together, maybe acted at our worst together too, but it makes me feel better that we both came out of it the way that we did. I feel like we never learn and even though we burn bridges, we still ended up doing what was right at the end of the day.” Armin adds.

Armin smiles, as he pushes up off the ground and holds out his hand to you. He pulls you up, averting his eyes to behind you, before you turn to find Annie and Eren standing behind. He gives you a knowing look before he switches places with Eren – and the two of them stalk off together.

Eren gives you a smile, before aggressively sticking a polaroid in your face. You’re caught off guard by the suddenness, before you focus on the picture. It’s of you and Eren on the last day of filming Season Three – your arms wrapped around his neck as you both smile in the camera.

“Yours or mine?” he asks.

“Mine.”

“Well, you should get a move on. I’ve already stolen whatever pictures there were on the wall near the bay window.”

“No debate? No negotiating?” you ask.

“Absolutely not. You snooze, you lose.”

You and Eren fall into a quiet pace, the same way you were with Armin. It seems like it’s something everyone was adapting, because the house felt quieter as usual as you all pulled the memories off of the walls.

He’d stop here and there and place a polaroid into the palm of your hand. It was getting almost overwhelmingly nostalgic, making that melancholy that seemed to reside in your chest almost impossible to breathe through.

It was like watching yourself fall in love with Eren all over again.

Because all you can think about is the fact that you had really liked Eren at that award’s show, that you went on a date before that press event, that filming that scene was really fun because you had spent the entire day together.

That you used to sleep in the same bed every night, that you made breakfast together every morning, that the safe confines of this little wooden house was the place that you and Eren got to be yourselves, where your love was saved from being touched and garbled by other people.

“Eren.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you going to do with the pictures?” you ask.

Eren pauses, eyeing the messy mess of pictures in his box, before he looks back up at you.

“I’m staying at this place by the sea, in Ireland, for a few months after the show ends. It’s my parent’s cabin, but I just want to go there and take a break before I jump into anything again. I’ll put some of the pictures up there.” he states.

You nod.

You’re not sure why you ask the question, and it’s almost instant embarrassment when it comes out, but you have to stick with it after you do.

“Will you tell other girls about who I am?”

“What?”

You bite your tongue.

“I just mean. If people point to the pictures and stuff, you’ll tell them about us, right? All the pretty girls you’re going to take to your fancy cabin?” you joke.

Eren seems to visibly relax when he figures that this has to be some weird idea of a joke that you’re making.

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Trust me, when I take my children to that cabin, I’ll make sure they know the entire story before they leave.”

You smile.

“And what’s that?”

“Oh, you know. That it was a moment in time, what you and I had. That people went crazy for it, that…that you and I did too.” Eren states.

“Who said I went crazy for it?”

Eren rolls his eyes.

“You have not one, but two matching tattoos with me. We’ve written so many songs about each other, that people still listen to.”

“I was just teasing. Relax.”

Eren hands you a polaroid – a solo picture that he had taken of you at Hange and Levi’s vow renewal – that you tuck into your box. The walls are bare and empty as you peek your head through the other rooms. And you all group back together in the main room, boxes filled on the ground as you find too many of them locking their limbs together and swaying together in the air.

You and Eren smile at each other as Reiner catches sight of you and makes a dramatic display of wrapping both of his arms around you. Jean and Mikasa follow next – somehow producing shots for everyone out of thin air.

The only notable thing that stands out is that Connie’s standing by the far wall, stuck staring at the wallpaper. Normally, you’d expect him to be at the center of this, making some extreme, dramatic speech on top of the table about how we were all going down in history.

You tangle out of Mikasa’s embrace to walk up next to him, only to feel your stomach churn when you find exactly what it is that Connie’s staring at. Because it’s not a blank patch of wallpaper – but instead, his shitty spelling marked into the wall, accompanied by the one polaroid you had seemingly forgotten all about.

Of Marco, his tub of ice cream, and his bright smile when you had all inducted him as the start of the death wall. You look to your left to find Connie crying, as you lean your head against his shoulder, unable to stop your own.

“I can’t take it down. He…he’s going to miss the wedding.” he whispers.

It makes your stomach ache. That Marco won’t be there to see Jean and Mikasa get married, that he won't be at the wrap party, and that someone will have to come over here and rip him off of the wall for good.

“I can’t do it either.”

Eren’s the next to join the two of you, his arms warm around your shoulders, before you feel him physically tense at your side when he realizes. The crowd only seems to get bigger, until the entire group of you are standing there, limbs tangled in together as you all stare at the picture of him.

Levi and Hange, who are the last to join, are the first to break the silence.

“No one can do it, can they?” Hange asks.

You all shake your heads. Levi makes his way to the front – and you can’t help but study him as you watch him observe the picture.

It was no secret to you that Levi had a soft spot for Marco, that it only intensified after he died, and that it was something that Levi was going to beat himself over forever.

You think about it often – that one time that Levi insinuated that what happened could be traced back to him, because Marco’s fame could be traced back to when Levi had cast him in the show. That if Levi didn't make Marco famous, the paparazzi would have called the ambulance instead of prioritizing the photo.

When he reaches for the picture, you realize that you can’t let him do it alone.

You walk up to his side and pull on his arm.

“Together.” you state.

Levi gives you wide eyes, heaving a deep sign out, before he nods. You turn back to the crowd of them standing, as you gesture for them to join.

You all place your hands on each other, making it literally impossible for you to all stand there as you try to jump and duck under each other to secure your hands on the picture. It’s all giggles because Connie asks Reiner not to touch his butt and they start bickering before you all pull.

But on the count of three, you all pull it off of the wallpaper, before letting go. It’s left in Levi’s hands at the end of it.

You all let him keep it. He shoots you a grateful smile for the assistance.

The air is palpable the morning of the wedding. You can feel it thrumming under your skin – the anticipation – the second you spring your eyes open. It reminded you of how you used to sleep the night before a field trip, unable to contain your excitement to the point where you were unable to quiet your mind before sleeping.

You nearly shoot up because of it, unable to stop staring at Mikasa at your side. Her hair is tousled around the pillow, the sleep mask that she put on last night sticking to the side of her face, and she’s snoring horrendously loud.

In your excitement, you lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead.

“Jean?”

You snort.

“No. Don’t insult me in the early hours of the morning.” you state.

Your voice is enough to wake Mikasa up, and similarly enough to you, she shoots up the second she’s regained consciousness. The green mask is falling off the right side of her face and her eyes are so horrendously wide that she almost looks like an alien.

“Holy shit. “

“What?”

“I’m getting married today.”

You can’t help but smile from ear to ear as you wrap your arms around her neck and squeeze hard. It’s a mix of giggles, of the two of you squealing like you were fifteen again, and of you and Mikasa tickling each other in your hug.

The morning goes by relatively slowly.

Whatever that feeling is, the warm, sweetness in the air – it’s hanging in the air. The group of you are all holed up in Mikasa’s room – Gabi, Falco, Connie, Historia, Armin, and Sasha. The rest of them were all stuck with Jean. You can already anticipate that there’s more panic and high energy in that room just from the sheer fact of Ymir being stuck with Reiner, Eren, and Jean in there alone.

You were all in charge of getting Mikasa ready, of getting dressed yourselves, and getting her to the venue. They had to do the same with Jean – but you and Eren had to be there before to pass out the corsages and pin the boutonnieres.

There was a slight panic in the background, but the calmness was making it taper into almost nothing. And really, the entire ordeal felt so homey, so ordinary that you couldn’t help but find yourself smiling as you all went about it, because you had been thinking – planning for it – for so long.

Connie and Sasha tasked themselves with making iced coffee, Falco and Gabi had spent twenty minutes tracking down the Doordash order with the breakfast, and you were left alone to do Mikasa’s hair.

It was just the two of you, humming in the bathroom to the quiet little playlist Jean had sent Mikasa as a gift this morning, as you quietly tasked yourself with doing her hair. It was relatively simple, just two braids at the front to tuck behind her ears, with little flowers intertwined in between. The veil was going to take up most of the space in the back, so you were just curling the ends for her.

It’s quiet until you can hear her sniffling, only to look up in the mirror to her trying to blot her tears away from her eyes. You try to focus on the song that’s playing – only to find that Jean had put invisible string in the playlist – and you can’t help but smile. You pause, placing your hands on her shoulders as you squeeze hard.

“Oh god. Are you getting cold feet because he’s ugly?” you joke.

She glares at you.

“Fuck off.”

You laugh before tucking wrapping your arms around her waist and leaning your chin on her shoulder. She gives you a smile in the mirror – one that you return – as she finishes wiping her tears away.

“Now really. What is it? You can’t be sad on your wedding day or else I’ve failed as a maid of honor.”

She shakes her head.

“Not sad. Just…I don’t know. I was reflecting. Feeling really introspective about a lot of things and I realized that there was a point that I thought this would never happen for me. And god, I’m so fucking happy it is.” Mikasa states.

“This meaning…?”

“You. Braiding my hair for my wedding. Jean. Actually marrying me after everything that happened. Getting to leave here with him.”

You swallow hard. She turns around, placing her hands on your shoulder. You distract yourself by messing with how the ends of her bangs were falling, brushing them into place before you give her a smile.

“Thanks for coming back. I would never want to do this without you.” she states.

“Thanks for letting me. It would be agonizing to watch this from the sidelines.”

She leans forward and hugs you, so hard that she’s leaning her entire weight on you. And every inclination that you made of letting go gets ignored, because Mikasa holds on to you for a long time.

“You’re my best friend.” she mumbles.

You can feel the tears accumulating in your own eyes, the sniffling coming from your nose this time, as you hear Mikasa spare a quiet laugh.

“Seriously?”

“I just started getting all fucking…introspective like you were. I’ve spent my entire life here, my entire childhood sleeping next to you and when I wasn’t, it was because Jean was in here. And now you’re getting married to him and I’m going to be right next to you when it happens, and I just…”

You pause.

“I don’t remember when we grew up. I’m glad I got to do it with the both of you.” you finish.

You try to etch it into your memory – this moment – so you can remember it forever. The two of you in your pajamas, barefoot on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, breathing in tandem as you held each other while crying.

She was hours away from being a wife. You were about to watch Jean and Mikasa get the perfect ending, that the nights that they spent together in your room all led to the two of them standing on that altar, exchanging vows. You would be two feet away from Eren, who was going to smile at you with his perfect green eyes and make your stomach do a somersault.

You were going to hold hands, he was going to dance with you, and that might be the end of it. Or the start, if you’re both able to muster and get over that block that was always stuck in your throats.

Connie and Sasha return with the coffee soon enough and Falco and Gabi with the food. You all sit in a circle, sharing bites and switching drinks, until Sasha locks herself and Mikasa in the bathroom to do her makeup and fit her into her dress.

You take the free second to sit at the vanity, using the sweet free time to style Falco’s hair for him before you do your own makeup. You can see Connie brushing Gabi’s hair through the mirror, intently focused as he holds the bobbi pins in between his lips, and gathers her hair together at the back of her neck. You can’t help but smile as you focus back on Falco, trying to tame the unruliness of his hair with the mousse.

“Be careful with Eren’s cufflinks today, Falco. He’s expecting those back.” you state.

“No, he isn’t. He gave them to me earlier and he actually said that he wants me to keep them.”

It makes your heart sink a little – only because you don’t know what it means. If he was giving it up to Falco out of good will because he was your little brother and he loved him or because he wanted to get them straight off of his hands since you two were going to be leaving and parting ways soon.

“Well, be careful. They’re very nice. And they’re special too, so just. Take care.” you state.

Falco frowns at you through the mirror, before turning back to look at you.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You seem sad.”

“No. I just feel really sentimental. My best friend is getting married and we…we’re all going to be leaving soon. I’m watching two people who have been in love forever seal the deal before I won’t ever live with them ever again.”

Falco frowns, before he reaches forward and wraps his arms around you. You can’t help but smile as you bury your nose into his shirt, breathing in the scent of his shampoo and laundry detergent mixed together.

“You’ll have a lot of fun today. You’ll have Eren with you. And you’re performing your song, which will be amazing. Levi also told me that you have to save a dance from him and Connie said he’s going to mix drinks after the reception, so you have a lot to look forward to.”

You glare at him.

“The only thing you’re mixing is soda, Falco.”

He gives you a grin.

“Right!”

“I’m going to tell mom.”

He glares.

“Don’t be a narc. I was trying to be nice to you.”

“You’re going to get liver disease, Falco.”

“Gabi and I have never tried it. We just wanted to do it together.”

You pinch your lips together, before shaking your head.

“I’ll just pretend like I didn’t hear that.”

You watch as Falco’s eyes light up, before he presses a wet kiss to your cheek. You push him off, as you finish the last touches on his hair, and lean down to press a kiss to the top of his head.

Falco runs off, mainly to Gabi’s side as he starts admiring her hair and she does the same to him. And as you quietly start smearing the makeup on your face, Connie takes the seat at your side at the vanity.

It’s quiet. Mainly because he’s messing with the ends of his own hair and you’re focused on smearing the glitter on your eyelids that you don’t really acknowledge each other. You only break the concentration – and start the conversation – as Connie watches you struggle with your necklace.

“Yikes. Want help?”

You smile.

“Yeah. Yeah, thanks.” you state.

You hand the necklace over to him – and watch the smile spread across his face as he eyes the little Saturn charm – before he signals for you to turn around. The necklace falls perfectly into place before you turn back to him and silently thank him.

“Eren’s wearing his pin too.” Connie states.

“He is?”

“Well, planning on it. I saw him walking around with it downstairs when we were making the coffee.”

You hum in response, as you place the blush on your cheeks.

“How did he seem? Is he stressed out?”

“No. He’s pretty zen, considering how batshit he was acting last night when you were running through the checklist.”

You smile.

“I just think he’s excited for the wedding. You know how much he loves Jean and Mikasa.” you state.

Connie smiles at you through the mirror, before leaning his cheek in the palm of his hand. It’s a weirdly antagonistic look that he gives you, that you ignore as you rummage through the colors of your lip glosses and lipsticks to find the perfect one.

“I know how much he loves you.”

You give him a weary look.

“You kissed three times. He smiled into the kiss. You used your tongue. We’re not about to play this shitty game.” Connie states.

“I didn’t say anything.” you state.

Connie smiles and really, the fact that he was rooting for the two of you so hard, that he approved, only made your excitement to see him later grow tenfold.

“So you know that he loves you?” Connie asks.

You swallow hard, before shaking the thought away.

“Well, of course he does. We’re good friends.”

Connie gives you a glare and it makes you fold.

“Just…don’t tell him, okay?”

“I won’t. But you…you do know, right?”

You sigh.

“Yeah. I’m just stuck on how to tell him, when the right time is, if…if he really wants to. I know that he loves me but that…that doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to give our relationship another try.”

Connie frowns.

“He doesn’t know that’s on the table.” Connie states.

“What do you mean?”

“You know he loves you. He has no idea that you love him too.”

“There’s no way. It’s…it’s obvious. I’ve given him so many signs.”

Connie shrugs.

“Yeah. But he’s insecure. His mind plays tricks on him…and he won’t believe it unless you tell him, explicitly. Some days he says that he thinks you reciprocate and in the next hour, he’s moping in my room about how he’s lost you forever.”

You deflate and give him a nod, as you secure your hands around one of your tubes of lipstick. Connie shakes his head, before taking it from you and digging through the little pouch himself.

“No, you can’t wear that.” Connie states.

“I didn’t realize you were so opinionated about the makeup I wore.”

“No. Well, yes. But no, no Eren likes it when you wear glossy stuff on your lips.”

“Why do you know that?”

“He’s down horrendous.” Connie affirms.

“I’m not picking my makeup look based off of Eren.”

Connie pauses and gives you a look. You sigh.

“Okay, fine. Give it.”

He gives you a bright smile, before handing it over to you. And you smear it over your lips, before taking the open room on the left so slip in your dress and meet Eren downstairs.

You slip into your dress before you meet Eren downstairs, to make sure that everyone gets tucked into the correct cars, with flowers pinned to their jackets and secured around their wrists. You carry the pair of shoes you had chosen – black kitten heels to save your feet from the walking – as you make your way down the stairs.

You can already see Eren standing in the kitchen, placing the boxes in a line, as you feel the nervousness prickle all over your skin. His hair is pushed back, tucked behind his ears. He’s not wearing his jacket yet, the sleeves of his white collared shirt pulled up to his forearms, and he looks perfect.

You nervously knock on the frame of the door, as you drop your heels to the ground and join him at his side.

“Hey. Want my help?” you mumble, feeling the shake in your voice.

Eren’s fumbling with the plastic box in his hands, his throat bobbing, as he doesn’t respond, until it’s awkwardly been too long. And it’s almost like he’s realized it – that he was staring full on, that he had ignored what you had said – as he shakes his head before looking up at you.

“Did-did you say something to me?”

You can’t help but laugh, as you nervously rub at the sides of your biceps.

“Yeah. I was asking if you wanted help.”

“Right. Yeah, yeah. I was just making sure that the boxes had everyone’s names on it.” Eren adds.

You hum in response, as you join him at his side, and eye the little list that he had set in the middle of the counter. You start to eye the little labels, leaving little star marks next to each one you found on the paper, as you try to distract yourself and the burning in the pit of your stomach.

“You look beautiful.”

You feel your eyes widen.

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re beautiful. You’re always beautiful, but you…”

Eren lifts his gaze from the plastic boxes, as he looks over at you, eyes striking and piercing. It sends a shiver down your spine. He places both of his hands on your elbows and you mimic the motion by resting yours against your forearms as you look up at him.

You watch as his eyes waver – first to your lips, before they drop down to your necklace. He reaches up, twisting the little Saturn charm in between his fingers, before he smiles up at you.

“Mine is on my jacket.”

You smile.

“He has to be there some way, right?”

He sighs.

“Yeah.”

“Speaking of…”

He looks around the little plastic boxes, before he reaches for one that has your name scribbled over the top. You reach for it, before he pulls back, giving you an offended look.

“Are you insane?” he asks.

“What? That’s literally mine.”

“What kind of guy do you think I am? You’re my date, I obviously have to put it on for you.” Eren states.

“Oh.”

Eren smiles.

“Yeah. Oh.”

Eren opens up the little plastic box, pulling out the little corsage, before fidgeting with the little flowers until they fall perfectly. You hold out your left hand to him and he slides the little ribbon across your wrist, until it’s set in place.

He lifts your hand and presses your knuckles against his lips, leaving a quiet kiss on your ring finger. It makes your chest burn.

“Perfect.” he whispers.

You swallow hard, trying to swallow the dryness in your throat, as you look up at him.

“Can I do yours?”

“I don’t have a corsage, sweetheart. Such a shame.”

You shove him.

“You know what I meant.”

He smiles, as he reaches for his coat hanging from the chair. You find the box with his name on it as he pulls his jacket on, adjusting it. You take the little silver pins and the boutonniere as you press it to the lapel. And it’s going well until you poke a little too hard, in the wrong direction.

“Ow.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Eren.”

You can feel your hands shaking as you try to pin it properly this time, which only gets worse when you can feel that Eren’s watching you – and that he’s amused by how hard you’re trying not to stab him with the pins.

“That didn’t actually hurt, Y/N.”

You place the last pin before you unclench and look back up at him. You take the second to admire the little purple flowers on his coat, before smiling up at him.

“Perfect!”

Eren smirks, before he leans forward. He’s so close that you can feel the breath tickling your nose when he talks and the mint in his breath.

“No kiss for me?”

“Huh? Did…did you want one?”

“It’s hardly satisfying when you have to ask for it. You have to offer it to me.” Eren states.

And you were about to, but that’s right when Jean and Niccolo come tumbling down the stairs, readjusting their collars. You can hear the cars pulling up against the gravel outdoors, as Eren hands both of them their boutonnieres, and they run out the door.

Everyone tumbles through like a stampede – as you get stuck handing all of them the boxes and get too distracted to hand them all out. You feel your heart burst when Historia realizes that she gets two corsages – since Reiner and Connie are both her dates – and the dramatic display that they both make of kissing her hand and her cheeks when they put them on her has you giggling.

Levi and Hange are the last ones to leave, until it’s just you and Eren standing in the kitchen, facing each other.

“Ready?”

“Yeah. Just have to put my shoes on.”

Eren gives you a nod, before grabbing them from the side and getting on his knees. His arms move around your leg, exposed from the slit in the side of your dress as he secures the buckles around your ankles.

“Too tight?”

You clear your throat.

He has to know what he’s doing to you. That he can’t just place his head in between your legs like that.

“No. That’s good.”

He mimics the motion with the other shoe, fingers featherlike around your ankle, before he looks back up at you. And he holds his hand out to you, circling it around yours as the two of you walk out onto the gravel towards the car.

The four of you are lined up inside, peeking out the window, at Jean standing alone at the altar. You can see groups of people running around the little makeshift aisles – Hange and Levi sharing a drink, Lana with a little baby bump and Teddy tangled around her knees, and Sofia and Ymir admiring the flowers around the aisle.

“Lana and Sukuna are here. I can’t believe she’s showing already.” you whisper to Eren.

You watch as Eren’s eyes scan the room, before he catches the sight of the three of them on the left and smiles.

“Look at Teddy’s suit. He’s fucking adorable.”

“Sofia and Ymir look fucking amazing.” Connie adds.

“And Niccolo!” Sasha adds.

The three of you turn your gaze to her, giving her a side eye, before you all burst out laughing. In the time that you have to wait for Mikasa, Connie somehow produces two popsicles from the little truck outside, one that he hands to you and Eren and the other that he shares with Sasha.

You consider yourself lucky that Connie chose the blue one for himself and gave you and Eren the lemon, which had a translucent color. Connie later realizes his mistake when his tongue turns blue.

You look up at Eren, whose eyes are still transfixed at the people lingering around outside.

“You don’t want any, Eren?”

He looks over at you, and down at the popsicle, before he wraps his arm around your wrists and uses it to lift the popsicle to his mouth. He takes one bite and gives you a smile, before dropping his featherlike touch from your hand and looking back outside.

You can’t help but use your other hand to rub the inside of your forearm, where his fingers had just touched yours.

And you watch everyone with him, the two of you silently standing at the window. Levi keeps getting Hange refills and Reiner and Historia go in the photo booth. Sukuna basically guards Lana like a dog – refusing to leave her side, leaning down every few minutes to whisper in her ear, with what you know is constant questioning of if she’s comfortable or not.

Connie and Sasha yank on your elbows. The two of you turn your heads only to fall silent at the sight of Mikasa, excitedly smiling at you in her pristine and perfect white dress.

“Ready to get me married, guys?” she whispers.

You feel your heart squelch in your chest as you reach forward at the same time as Sasha, the two of you stuck in each of her arms and the fresh scent of her bouquet filling your nose. You can’t help but admire her – the shimmering glitter on her skin, the sparkling accents on her dress, and the veil flowing behind her.

It’s perfect.

She lets the two of you go before she gives Connie and Eren a shy smile, and they both rise to the occasion. They make a dramatic display of clutching their chests and it makes your heart sing as you watch Mikasa smile at the praise, at the two of them making it evidently clear that she’s one of the most beautiful things she’s ever seen. Connie and Eren both lean down to press a kiss to Mikasa’s cheeks, before you all line up, standing side by side.

Connie and Sasha stand in front, followed by you and Eren, and then Mikasa alone. You turn to Eren and he offers you a wink, as you feel your nerves bubble as the entrance song stars.

You can see it from the window – Levi seated at the piano with the microphone in front of him. And on his cue, Sasha and Connie walk out first together.

I've waited a hundred years But I'd wait a million more for you Nothing prepared me for What the privilege of being yours would do

Eren extends his hand out to you and you wrap yours in with his, as you both walk out into the courtyard. The air is fresh, the sun is dipping into the sunset and making a perfect mix of purple and pink hues, as the little lights hanging from the trees start twinkling.

You can’t help but squeeze hard on the bouquet as you walk down, nerves tingling. It’s warm in the little courtyard, but only because of how the blood rushes to your cheeks – it nearly hurts to smile this hard.

You offer Sukuna a wink as you walk past, before you and Eren let each other go at the end of the aisle. You and Eren stop before Jean, before leaning forward to give him a hug. You press a kiss to his cheek, which he smiles brightly at, before you and Eren take your spots opposite to each other at his side.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch If I had only seen how you smile when you blush Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

I would have known what I was living for all along What I've been living for

Levi’s voice is piercing, so warm and full that it makes the tears spark to your eyes. And when everyone rises out of their chairs and Mikasa steps out into the light, you instantly turn your head to the left to look at Jean.

And surely enough, Jean’s hands are shaking at his sides as the tears start to sprout out of his eyes – as he looks at her glide down and doesn’t break his eye contact once. It’s full blown tears, from both of them, and Mikasa’s basically rushing down the aisle just to get there faster.

You look past Jean to find Eren watching the two of them, with the brightest smile on his face.

Your love is my turning page Where only the sweetest words remain Every kiss is a cursive line Every touch is a redefining phrase

When Mikasa makes it to the end, Jean reaches for her hand and pulls her up. You take the little bouquet from her hands, and she gives you a wink in response, before turning back to Jean and locking her hands in with his.

I surrender who I've been for who you are For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart If I had only felt how it feels to be yours Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along What I've been living for

Levi finishes the end of his song with a dancing melody on the piano, before everyone takes a seat and they start the ceremony.

You and Eren stare at each other the entire time.

The reception afterwards is cast in silver moonlight. There’s a live jazz band, a little dance floor, and obviously an open bar. It’s a rush to make sure that Mikasa and Jean aren’t entirely shit faced by the time you’re able to perform your song and keeping them away from the bar before that happens turns out to be a horrendous task.

But surely enough, you and Eren are standing by the piano as you wait for Levi to announce the first dance. You turn to Eren, looking up at him, as you watch Levi make his way over to the microphone.

“Nervous?”

Eren shakes his head.

“Have you with me. We’ll be fine.”

You give him a nod as you absentmindedly tangle your hand in with his at your sides, that he welcomes. And when Levi announces that it’s time for the first dance, Mikasa and Jean make their way to the center of the dance floor, the two of them blowing you a kiss as you take your seat at the piano.

The second they look away, too entranced with looking at each other, Eren slides into the bench at your side and the two of you start playing the piano together. It’s only when Eren starts singing the first verse that they look back, at the two of you sitting there together.

Eren: I spy with my little tired eye Tiny as a firefly A pebble that we picked up last July Down deep inside your pocket We almost forgot it Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

You look up from the piano keys to find Jean looking at you – smiling so brightly as the tears stream from his eyes – with Mikasa in his hands. You give him a wink, as you watch him turn his head away, his tears only increasing when he looks down at Mikasa.

Eren and Y/N: They said the end is coming Everyone's up to something I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

Y/N: On the way home I wrote a poem You say, "What a mind" This happens all the time

You can’t help but turn to your left to look at Eren, only to find that he’s already looking at you first. He tangles his foot in with yours under the piano as your fingers brush against each other and you can feel it – the softness enveloping you and Eren, that the feeling of being around him makes your skin tickle whenever he looks at you.

Y/N: Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more" To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it

You and Eren turn your heads back to the dance floor to watch as everyone joins Jean and Mikasa on the dance floor, hands locked together as they all smile at each other. Connie, Reiner, and Historia are trying some weird three way version of slow dance that has all of them laughing, and Hange and Levi are stuck in some deep conversation that they are whispering in each other’s ears.

Falco and Gabi are so tense that it almost looks painful, but the smiles on their faces don’t indicate that they’re aware of how rigid they’re both being. And Ymir presses a kiss to Sofia’s cheek, which makes her laugh.

Eren and Y/N: They said the end is coming (they said the end is coming) Everyone's up to something (everyone's up to something) I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving (outside, they're push and shoving) You're in the kitchen humming (you're in the kitchen humming) All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

You and Eren turn to your left to give the jazz band a thumbs up, as they take over on the music and start playing soft violin music so everyone can keep going. And you turn back to your right towards Eren and lean forward to wrap your arms around his neck.

And when you pull back, you secure one of his hands around his cheek and absentmindedly rub your thumb against his bottom lip.

“Think it went well?” Eren whispers.

You shrug. Eren smiles back, before mimicking your shrug in response.

You can feel the breath leave your lungs as you feel a pair of two arms around you, only to find Jean and Mikasa strangling you and Eren from behind the piano. The two of you stand up, to hug the two of them openly, as they smile down at you. Mikasa seems to break off to talk to Eren, because Jean pulls you to the side.

“Y/N.”

“Just to be clear, that was your gift. And if you hate it, that’s too bad because I –”

You’re cut off by Jean pressing a kiss to your cheek, before he envelopes you in a hug so hard that you can barely breathe. Jean lets go after a few minutes, his hand warm on your face as he smiles down at you.

“I loved it. That was the song of my dreams.”

You can’t help but grin at him.

“You deserve nothing less, Jean. I…I’m really happy for you. Just take care of my girl, okay?”

“That’s a promise.” he affirms.

You’re joined by Eren and Mikasa at your sides and you can tell from the pink mark on Eren’s cheek that Mikasa was feeling just as sappy as Jean was. You reach forward and wipe the mark away from his cheek, as you look at the two of them.

“I owe Mika a dance and then Gabi. I’m all yours after that, Y/N.” Eren says.

You smile, before you wave him off.

“Go ahead.”

You take your seat back at the piano bench, as you collect the sheet music and the lyrics and tuck them into the little cabinet of the piano. You sit there for some time – watching Eren and Mikasa giggle on the dance floor before he switches with Gabi who can’t stop blushing.

That’s until you’re joined by Levi at your side, who offers you a flute of champagne. You take it from him, as you tuck your arm into his, leaning your head against his shoulder.

“Your song was beautiful, Levi.” you murmur.

“Yours was too.” he responds.

You both watch the room in silence for some time, at how animated and lively it all was. Teddy was falling asleep against Sukuna’s shoulder, but him and Lana were caught in a deep conversation – soft smiles on both of their faces as they talked under their breaths at their table.

“I want to talk to you about something.” Levi states.

“Go ahead.”

Levi clears his throat.

“I…I hear that my vow renewal all those years ago meant a lot to you. Eren and I were talking about it.”

“Oh. Yeah, what about it?”

“I want to know what it meant.” Levi clarifies.

You lean back as you think about it – about the love in the room – and turn back to him.

“That night was the first time that Eren and I said we loved each other. That…that was the last time before things went so horribly wrong. Because we sat on the bench and talked about the love in the room, about how it was between us.”

You can feel your throat drying.

“After that, I got so busy. I started working too hard. He got stuck on Satellite Port, he…he was around people we hated and there were just so many things that came between us. I let go but then he did too. I had him for a second and then he was gone for good.”

You look back out at him, posing for a picture with Gabi encased in his arms.

“I saw you and Hange that day and all I could think about was how in love you guys were. About how I knew love was real, because you guys had it. That…that was what I was going to strive for, what I still do strive for at the end of the day. You guys are perfect, you’re THE love story for me and…you always have been.”

Levi sighs.

“Can I say one thing to you?” Levi asks.

“Yeah.”

“You have a tendency to not see things as they are sometimes. Like Danny and Sareen taking advantage, like Eren saying it was okay when you let him go, and believing him when he said what he did.”

You tilt your head to the side, in confusion.

“Hange and I are far from perfect. I’ll tell you now, very clearly. Hange and I did a vow renewal because we needed one. Not because it was romantic and we wanted to do it again.”

“What?”

“We wouldn’t be together if we didn’t do it. And our relationship reached that point, where…where we needed to affirm it again. That we loved each other, that we were committed, that we were what was most important.”

You sit back, dumbfounded.

Levi and Hange were in love. They had always been in love.

“I don’t get it.”

Levi smiles.

“What I mean by this is that…these things are normal in love. The initial attraction doesn’t keep you going. You have to pick each other, you have to be on the same side. It’s far more intentional, less cosmic as you think.” Levi states.

You follow his gaze to Jean and Mikasa, clearly obscenely drunk out of their minds, eating their wedding cake.

“They’re just as perfect as me and Hange are. It’s a fucking testament to them that they’re sitting here married after what happened with them. And it should be proof to you that what happened with you and Eren won’t hold you back, that…that it’ll really benefit you when it comes to it. You’ve already gotten past the hard part, you just need to leap now.”

You swallow hard.

“Are you shattering my entire worldview by telling me the truth about your vow renewal so I’ll date Eren?”

“Yeah.”

“Figures.”

Levi looks over at you, hands warm on your shoulders.

“Your mistake wasn’t picking him. His was not picking you when it came to it later, not in the way that mattered anyway. Now, fix it. Pick him now.”

Levi abruptly stops when Eren’s standing at your side, tie loosened around his neck as he gives you a cheesy smile.

“Ready for me?” Eren asks.

Levi gives you a narrowed look, which you ignore as you nod and stand up at his side. Eren leads you to the center of the dance floor, securing his hands around your waist as you tangle your own around his neck.

You and Eren sway to the violin in the background, the two of you quietly observing each other as you walk in step.

“I’m sorry I took so long. I danced with Mikasa and then Gabi. Lana and Sukuna stopped to talk to me and I just got side tracked.”

You shake your head.

“No, no. I…it’s okay. I was with Levi.”

Eren smiles.

“I…I’m glad you’re here with me now.” he whispers.

“Me too.” you whisper back.

The live singer, a small gift that Levi and Hange had planned for Mikasa and Jean, arrives right at the start of your little dance, and her voice so soft and melodic that you can’t help but pull yourself closer to Eren as she sings, until your ear is muffled against his coat, barely catching the ends of his heartbeat.

Time's moving so much slower lately It's like the world's playin' a joke Laughing at me for falling foolishly again But something's different with you

Traffic on Sunset doesn't phase me I'm just unusually composed That is until I touch you and I can't pretend I lose myself again, I do

I'm all in, I'm fallin' Can't get back up Can't think right, too tongue-tied It must be love

“Eren?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you thinking about?”

He pulls you apart a little, until you’re standing properly and looking up at him. The violin’s are sending goosebumps down your arms as he looks down at you, pointer finger hooked under your chin as he guides you to look up at him.

“That someone heard my prayers.”

You smile.

“Really?”

He nods.

“Armin and I used a whoopie cushion on Connie earlier. Gabi gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek and Teddy fell asleep in my lap earlier. Jean and Mikasa are getting married and I’m here with you. There was a point where thinking I’d ever end up here seemed unfathomable to me.”

“You and Armin are so immature.” you state.

Eren shrugs.

“It keeps me young,” he jokes.

Friends asking me where I've been hiding I'm losin' hours in your eyes Lost in your wonderland, I hope I'm never found There's no one else around, tonight

I'm not so used to being happy Now I just float down every street You made a sappy, stupid something out of me The kind I swore I'd never be I'm awake inside a dream

“I have…I have a lot I want to talk to you about, Eren. So…so much I want to say.”

Eren’s eyes widen.

“My time is always yours. What did you want to say?”

“It’s so many things. And I want to say it right. There’s…there’s so much going on and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way and I don’t want to scare you off because you and I are just doing good again and I don’t think that –”

Eren narrows his eyes.

“Why are you so tense? There’s nothing you could say that would hurt my feelings. It’s just me.”

You frown.

“That’s the problem. It’s just you.”

You feel a tapping on your shoulder, only to find Jean and Mikasa standing by your side, with two glasses in their hands.

“Are we interrupting something?” Jean asks.

You groan.

“No. What’s up?”

“We have one last request.” Mikasa states.

“What is it?” Eren asks.

The two of them give each other an excited smile – cheeks glazed pink – before they turn back to you.

“You have to let loose and drink.” they state, pushing the glasses into your hands.

You both give each other a pinched look, before turning back to them.

“We don’t drink. It makes me sleepy. And he doesn’t like the taste.” you state.

“We’re not going to force you. But really, you put so much time into the wedding. We just want you guys to have fun…loosen up a little bit.” Mikasa states.

The two of them giggle as they walk away, leaving the two of you in the center of the dance floor, nursing the glasses in your hands. You look up at him, entirely lost from your train of thought, as he eyes the liquid.

“Do you want to?” Eren asks.

“I don’t know. Do you want to?”

“It’s been a while since I’ve drank. And really, I only choose not to drink because I always seem to be around people that I’d feel uncomfortable losing my inhibitions around. But it’s just you and me and you’re basically one of the only people I could drink around. I don’t think a little wouldn’t hurt, I guess.”

You nod, following his lead. Your moment to say your piece had passed already.

“Okay. Okay, yeah.”

You both lift the glasses to your lips and sip.

Eren has to carry you back into the house. Because true to your previous statement, wine did make you really sleepy – and two bottles of it has you curled up into his lap in the back of the car.

Eren can feel his heart beating fast, the sensation blooming in his chest as he tries to steady his breaths. He absentmindedly runs his hands through your hair, running his finger over the sole braid tucked behind your ear.

He doesn’t think about it very well, but he leans forward and presses a kiss to the tip of your nose. Eren figures that he must have leaned too close because it has you rousing from your sleep, only nuzzling into his chest even more.

“Are we home yet, Eren?”

He can feel his chest tightening.

“No, sweetheart. Almost, okay?”

“Okay. Okay, just take me in with you, alright?” you mumble.

Eren saves his retort about how he’d never leave you behind for when you’re awake, just so he could make sure that you’d actually remember it. And five minutes later, he’s left standing on the gravel with you, as you lean almost all of your weight into his side.

Every move he makes has you losing your balance, almost toppling to the ground.

“Hey. Can you lock your arms around my neck?”

You give him a halfhearted mumble before following his instructions, only to feel him hook his arms underneath your legs and shakily walk you towards the door. You can tell that he’s stumbling a little bit – not walking straight as he almost backs up into the wall as he walks in.

The two of you must have had too much to drink. Because as Eren walks straight up the stairs, he aims so horribly that he smacks your head straight into the wall and curses after the fact.

“Eren.” you hiss.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see the wall.”

You groan in response.

“Look out for it next time.”

Eren scathes his way to the hallway to his room, which he kicks open before leading you in. You all but collapse on his bed face first as he leans against the wall – groaning from how dizzy he was getting. Luckily for him, he had thought ahead to lay out clothes for himself – and that he overthought so much that there was a second pair too.

Eren walks over to the bed, placing one of his hands on your shoulder as he shakes.

“Y/N.”

No response.

“Y/N. You can’t sleep in your pretty dress.” he whispers.

“Tired.” you respond, voice mumbled.

“Here. I’ll help you change, just work with me.”

Eren holds one of his hands out to you, which you take. He uses it to pull you up until you’re leaning against him, head lolled against his shoulder and his hands on your waist stabilizing you. Eren secures his hand around your face and you lean into the touch as he looks down at you, eyes side.

“Work with me here.” Eren whispers.

“Okay.”

“I’m going to help you with the zipper on your dress. Just slide the shirt that I left on the side, I-I’ll close my eyes.”

You shrug.

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to close your eyes.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Is that weird? It…it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. And…and I’m not…I don’t know what I’m saying.”

Eren gives you a nod before he guides you to turn around, fixing his shaking hands on the zipper as he starts pulling it down. Eren can feel his breath hitch in his throat as he turns his head away, trying to banish the thought of the fabric pooling at your legs on the floor, at the small dip in your back that he always seemed to think about.

He can feel you tugging at his arm and he turns back to find you drowning in one of his old t-shirts, as you look up at him.

“Are you cold? I have pants you can wear or…or an extra blanket and I –”

“No. No, it’s okay.”

Eren didn’t really ask for the help, maybe because he was a little bit more awake than you, but he doesn’t stop you when you reach forward and start unbuttoning his shirt. Eren can tell that it’s more difficult for you than it would have been for him, but he doesn’t have it in his heart to stop you.

Eren pulls the shirt off and discards it to the side, before turning around to unbutton his pants and switch into his boxers.

“You…you don’t have to wear a shirt. If you still don’t.” you state.

Eren can feel his cheeks burning.

“You sure?”

“I actually don't want you to. That’s why I mentioned that.”

You’re definitely drunk, Eren thinks.

“And why’s that?”

“I like feeling close to you. There’s nothing between my ear and your heart when I lean against you.” you mumble.

Eren can feel his heart constrict – even more than it was before – when you look up at him now, the glitter smeared around your eyes. And he’s not sure what it is, but there’s tears accumulating in your eyes, replacing the sweetness in his chest with concern.

“Eren.” you whimper.

“What? What is it?”

You swallow hard. You lean your hands against his chest, before pressing your cheek to his chest.

“I love you so much.”

Eren frowns, before leaning his chin against the top of your head.

“That’s nothing to cry about, princess. I love you too.”

You shake your head, bringing your hands up to your cheeks as you squeeze hard on the skin.

“No. No, I love you, Eren.” you whisper.

“Y/N. You…you’re drunk.”

You frown.

“You don’t believe me?”

“I do. But I…I don’t know if it’s because you’re drunk. You might change your mind in the morning.” Eren states.

You shake your head.

“Eren. Eren, you’re everything to me.”

You look up at him, reaching to tuck the ends of his hair behind his ear, as you feel your voice shake.

“I saw Mikasa and Jean and I just…I just knew more than I already did before that I want it to be me and you. I want us to write songs together, I want to wake up next to you, I want to give you haircuts in our bathtub.”

Eren smiles.

“Haircuts?”

“I love your hair short. Just a little bit shorter than it is now, because…because it looks like your hair when I fell in love with you. I’ve been falling since then and I just need you to crawl down into this hole and be here with me, Eren.” you mumble.

Eren sighs.

“I’d do anything you asked me to. But, but I need you to say it to me tomorrow, when…when you’re being serious.”

“I am serious. Eren, there’s no love in the room if you aren’t in it with me.”

Eren has no words. He has to stumble something out – something because you’re looking at him so expectantly with your doe eyes like you’re waiting for him to give in.

“Still.”

You nod, as you stand on the tips of your toes to tuck yourself into the neck.

“Can you give me one thing, Eren?”

“What?”

“Will you kiss me? Just once?” you ask.

Eren pulls back, eyes weary as he looks down at you.

“I don’t want to take advantage of you. You, you’re…”

“I want to kiss you. I messed up our second kiss while we were filming because I wanted to kiss you so bad I forgot we were working. I think about it all the time. I want it so bad and I just –”

Eren leans forward, pressing his lips to yours. You can still taste the remnants of the wine on his lips and he’s breathing shakily into your mouth as he cradles your face in his hands.

You can feel your heart somersault when he smiles into the kiss, when he presses two, three, and four more to the side of your face. You drop your hands from his neck to his back, the raised skin of the scars on his back underneath your fingers as he presses kisses down your neck.

“Eren.”

“Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry. Too much. We have to go to bed because you’re drunk and I…I can’t do this if you’re drunk and I am too and it…”

You nod.

“You’re right. Just…just let me sleep here with you?” you ask.

“Come on.”

Eren walks around to the other side of the bed, not without walking straight into the wall first, before he climbs under the sheets with you. And it’s the last thing he remembers before he goes to sleep – you wrapping your leg around him and pressing a kiss right on top of his heart before he goes to bed.

When you wake up in the morning, Eren’s spot in the bed is empty. And you only see him an hour later, when you’re able to reel from what happened last night and see him in the kitchen.

There’s ten different people milling around the kitchen. Erwin and Historia, Connie and Falco throwing a football, and Sasha taste testing Niccolo’s coffee. But all you see when you walk in is Eren, who just gives you a small wave.

You feel the rejection sting as you offer it back and take the spot next to him.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Happy last day of filming. Well, not for us, but…you..you know what I meant.” he states.

You feel your heart drop. He doesn’t remember last night.

“You too, Eren.”

an: oh ladies and gentleman are we ready. ARE WE READY BC CONFESSION NEXT CHAPTER AND IM SO FRRRR. not proofread maybe ill do it tomorrow if I feel strongly enough about it.

also taylor as gojo, bsfs older brother sukuna, and method acting in three days. aka. I CRY A LOT BUT I AM SO PRODUCTIVEEEE ITS AN ART (no I don't I just though this joke was funny)

alsOOOO as I wrap things up I remember someone mentioned wanting some MA chapters from eren's perspective but I can't for the life of me think about which one's would be good for that. the main one that comes to mind is when y/n gets stranded and eren comes to her rescue with ricky LOL. anyways im open to ideas.

taglist: @k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06 @bsenpai @sweetenertea @mykyoon @violetmatcha @rebeccawinters @cutiejg @bokutosthings @bookwrmm @mblrrr @wheredidmycrowngo @somethinginyoureyes7 @chilichopsticks @okaystopwhore @you-always-made-me-blush @itzmeme @firelordazulaaa @whoami-72 @g-ghostly @intimacywithceline @erensmoodygf @cocomellxn @princess-ackerman @jaegerfiles @cacapeepee @rui-0836 @moonmalice @invisible-mori @sofiasber @bbybeeb @timetobegone @tee4str @ttokki2 @leave-rae-alone @ec3lipsy @officialsimpp @gojojang @yookayyo @lordbugs @multiplefandomthings @iobeyfandoms @camilo-uwu @justanotherkpopstanlol l @mel-star636 @fvckingeetar @ttalgi @najaemism @ilovekimchi123 @youraggedybitch @xoyumiqls @leafguitar @spiidergirlsworld @luvs4kim @levin4nami i @florichun @hoonmyluv

#icymi <3

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seeingivy · 4 days

Text

love of my life

ryomen sukuna x f!reader

**part of my best friends (older brother) fic

previous part linked here

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of suicidal thoughts, parental abuse, please read at your own discretion. protect your peace!!!

sukuna realizes, only in the exact moment that your arms wrap around his waist and he feels you bury your cheek against the bare skin of his back, that he should have known you would have woken up if he left you in bed alone.

it’s a quiet panic first – to wipe the wetness away from his cheek, to swallow hard enough to make sure that his voice doesn’t waver when he speaks – to make sure that you don’t clock the fact that he was crying.

“i get why you complain all the time now, ryomen.” you murmur.

it’s enough to make his heart skip a beat – the soft muffled tone and the sleep still heavy in your voice – as he tries to muster a normal response.

“and why’s that, princess?”

“bed is cold without you. i can barely sleep.”

sukuna turns around, watching as you lazily hook your arms around his torso and lean your head against his shoulder, your eyes still pinched shut from the brightness of the light. he takes the quiet second to observe the bruise by your eye, swollen to its peak, and it nearly makes him cringe.

he knew all too well that it would puff up for all of today, that there would be a lingering headache for two days, before it started to fade to green and yellow before disappearing at the end of the week.

“should ice this, doll. does it hurt?” he whispers.

“it’s okay. lights are kind of bright, but –”

“take an advil. i’ll get you one.”

he quickly steadies you out of his embrace, before darting away to the cabinets, rummaging through as he produces a glass of water for you. and you lean against the counter, making the mistake of trying to rub your eyes, forgetting the sensitive spot on the left.

you hiss at the sensation, which has him turning around with wide eyes.

“sorry. i rubbed my eyes and i forgot.”

it’s a quiet laugh that comes out of sukuna, before he walks up to your side, placing the pill in the palm of your hand and the glass in the other. you shoot him a grateful smile – which is when you’re able to clock the rimmed pink around his eyes and the tear streaks on his face.

you immediately set the glass down, reaching forward and rubbing the side of his cheek, only to have it confirm your suspicions when the wetness transfers to your fingers.

“hey. what’s wrong?” you whisper.

he shakes his head as he lifts your left hand closer, insisting that you take the advil. you oblige, quickly swallowing it down with the water, before you hook your hands around his neck. you stand on the tips of your toes, trying to level yourself with his eyes, and insist for the answer again.

“allergies,” he responds.

you frown.

“sukuna.” you whine.

you lean forward, closing the distance between you, as you sag your weight onto his shoulder. you’re not sure what it does for him – rubbing circles into his back, pressing lazy kisses to his shoulder – but it only makes him pull you closer, almost suffocating the air out of you when he squeezes harder.

“you don’t have to tell me. i just want to know you can if you want to, because i’m ready to listen.”

“yesterday was a lot for you. we can talk about –” he starts.

“yesterday was more for you than it was for me. yuuji and i already have plans to go to coffee that he made last night, i have a feeling it’ll go well, and…my eye will heal. sammy and i kind of debriefed everything after on text and her rage weirdly made me feel better. but i know that was a lot for you and that you don’t have a sammy that fixed things for you or yuuji trying to resolve it with you. so i’m fine, i’m just worried about you.”

sukuna leans back, placing his hands around your waist before he lifts you onto the counter.

“did you want hot chocolate? i made some.”

you cringe at the deflection, but turn to the left to find the little saucepan boiling on the stove.

“just share with me.”

“okay baby, you say that but then you drink the entire thing.” sukuna deadpans.

“i won’t. it’s the middle of the night and i know i won’t sleep if i do.” you respond.

sukuna shrugs, as he tilts the saucepan to the left, and pours it into the mug. he slides it over to you, letting you take the first sip, before you hand it back to him and let him take the next.

you can’t help but stare at the tear marks.

it was a rare occasion to see sukuna cry, but not unheard of. it was only when things felt really hopeless in your opinion, that he’d let himself get far enough to cry. or really, when it only felt appropriate or safe for him too.

you remember in passing that yuuji used to think that sukuna was heartless, because he had never seen him cry before. and now that you think about it, it makes you think about sammy – about how you can’t really recall if she ever cried when you were younger.

it makes you feel guilty – that she never felt safe enough to. that maybe she felt the need to front like sukuna did for yuuji, that he was so responsible for him that he couldn't show that he was struggling either and maybe she felt that way too.

“i want to tell you…it’s just that…”

he pauses.

“i don’t want you to take it the wrong way. i’m really upset this happened to you, this…this makes me more furious and frustrated than you understand and i…”

you snort.

“i have an idea. we were barely two weeks into dating and you punched your boss for me, so..”

sukuna smiles, before pausing.

“do you want me to be mad? about yesterday?” he asks.

you pause.

“what?”

“like. like would it upset you if that wasn’t the main thing i was thinking about? like later, if we fought or something, you’d be like…oh i got punched in the face and he wasn’t mad enough about that because he was thinking about his own things? because…”

“no.”

sukuna raises his eyebrows, almost like he doesn’t believe you.

“no.” you confirm.

you reach for his hands, locking your fingers in with his free one.

“i know that this is all complicated. that this might bring up bad memories for you.” you whisper.

you can see the recognition clock on his face, that you know exactly what he’s talking about because you remember, as he gives you a mere nod. sukuna feels like you might know how to read his mind. or that he’s just given so much of himself to you at this point that it’s impossible for you not to.

“i don’t want you to be mad. i don’t need you to defend me or protect me. i want you to be whatever it is you’re feeling, i want you to talk to someone about this if you never have, and to know that i love you even though –”

he holds his hand up, pinching his eyes shut, as he starts to shake his head. you stop, leaving the silence hanging between the two of you before he talks again.

“i’m sorry. i love you but it’s…it’s…”

his voice starts to shake and the tears rise again in his eyes. and you can tell that he’s trying to swallow it down as hard as he can, trying to push it down, and it makes your chest twist in an unpleasant way.

“it’s too much to hear, right now. i’m thinking a lot of things and it’s just hard to…”

“okay. i’m sorry.”

he winces.

“fuck. please don’t think i’m turning down your affection or that i’m mad at you. i love you. i love all the sweet things you say to me. i’m just not used to this especially when i feel like this and i –”

you offer him a smile.

“i know.” you whisper.

sukuna pauses before his eyes soften. it’s the same lovesick look in his eyes that he gives you – the almost tangible sign to you that he loves you, in earnest.

“you know?” he asks, voice cracking.

you can’t help but frown as you reach forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“i know it can be a lot when you aren’t used to it. i know it’s not personal. i just hope you know that i will eventually make you reach a point where you…you can accept that from me. i’ll keep trying till i die if i have to.” you state.

sukuna smiles, before closing the space between the two of you, and placing a lingering kiss on your lips.

“i cut you off. you were saying something.” you state.

“yeah. yeah…i was just…”

sukuna pauses, before he turns around towards one of the back cabinets. it’s a little white package, with his name inscribed on the label that he hands to you. you give him a strange look, as you open up the box, only to find an insane amount of wrapping.

after ripping all of the tape and paper out, you pull out two little ceramic mugs, flowery designs of pink and green on them.

“mugs?”

“i realized all my mugs here are boring. i bought you some and they’re actually like…bridgerton special edition or something. that one is season one and that one is season two. i saw it and just figured you’d like them because –”

“oh shut up. you’re so cute!” you respond, holding the little mug close to your chest.

“you’re very easily impressed.” he states.

“you saw mugs and thought of me! and your mugs are so boring, it’s like you were reading my mind.”

the thought of you being a mind reader crosses sukuna’s mind again.

you give him a gleeful smile, which makes his face light up, before he takes them from you and places them to the sides.

“about the mugs. i just…i couldn’t sleep after you finally did because i was stuck thinking about everything. mainly of what i was going to do tomorrow morning, when you woke up. i texted sammy, she’s going to come for breakfast to check on your eye with her friend. and i was going to make french toast, surprise you with the mugs before you woke up, and…and make hot chocolate the way you like. i even already timed the doordash order because we don’t have marshmallows and i just…”

you place your hands on his cheeks and squeeze hard. it’s an eye roll that he gives you in response, but you can see the smallest whisper of a smile on his lips.

“have i ever told you that you’re the love of my life?”

“that’s a big statement. the love of your entire life? you’re only twenty-two, angel.”

“love. of. my. life.” you confirm.

he smiles, shaking his head.

“you’re so sweet. why would i ever get mad at you thinking that?” you ask.

sukuna pauses, before dropping his eyes to your hands. you offer him your free hand and nurse the filled mug of hot chocolate in your free one, as he fiddles with your hands in his, cracking each of the knuckles in your hand. you can tell that he’s trying to think of what it is, trying to word whatever it is that’s in his mind, and you only squeeze his hands in yours as a signal.

to take his time.

“the first time my dad hit me, i…”

you hear sniffling and look up only to find a steady stream of tears pouring out of his eyes. it makes your heart drop in your chest, as you push off of the counter, and wrap your arms around him. he buries his head into your neck, the wetness trickling down your shirt, as you quietly hum into his ears, running your free hand through his hair.

it takes him a few minutes to compose himself. but you can tell that his panic is tapering when his breaths start slowing down and he starts wiping the wetness on the back of his hand. he pulls back, giving you a shaky nod, as you lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek before he continues.

“the first time my dad hit me, i was seven.”

you feel your throat dry. the first time he had come to your house after the fact was when he was twelve. meaning there was five years you hadn’t even thought to consider, to inspect in your memories for signs of it all.

“no one was home. yuuji had piano and my mom was picking him up and he…he was going through some of my stuff without permission. they were just drawings but i…i can’t remember why i didn’t want him to see. why i was so upset. but i was just was and i started screaming at him and he…he backhand slapped me so hard i fell to the ground.” he murmurs.

you wince, thinking of sukuna at seven, with his always grumpy face and basketball jerseys getting crumpled onto the ground. you can feel the tears burning in the back of your eye, but try your best to swallow them down.

“i went to sleep that night and it was the first time i thought about dying.”

you can feel the air leave your chest. you curl your hand into a fist, your nails indenting the softness of your skin, as you give him a nod to continue. he looks down at your hands and frowns, before uncurling your hands and locking them in with his own.

“don’t clench your jaw. and don’t ball your hands like that, just…just squeeze my hands instead. i know it’s a lot.”

it’s a light demand that he gives you and you all but oblige.

“i am ready to listen, i just…” you start.

“i nearly broke my own hands listening to you talk about mazzy. it was hard on my heart to know any of that happened.”

he cups your cheek in his hand, before pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“i understand. you’re just so down horrendous for me that it hurts.” he states.

you glare at him.

“you’re not even far off by saying that.” you deadpan.

he smiles.

“i know.”

you give him a smile back, nearly shivering from the how bare it felt – the shared understanding that you’re seeming to get now – as he continues.

“every time it happened, i would think about dying. it was never really concrete, like how i was going to do it or making a plan, but…it would just come back to me. i would think about my own death all the time – how it would feel, how it would make other people feel.”

he pauses.

“made me feel guilty sometimes. thinking about it, because i know my mom and yuuji needed me, that it would make you and sammy sad and…and i don’t know. it felt wrong to think about, like…like i was committing a crime.”

he shrugs.

“sometimes i’d find something to take my mind off of it. my grades at first, winning all those awards. made me feel good until it was too easy. then…then it was girls. i liked the things they said to me – that i was smart, that i was hot.”

you snort. he gives you a joking glare, before he continues.

“but then it would get too far, i would get so disgustingly turned off whenever they tried to tell me they loved me because…because i knew they didn’t. and..”

he pauses, before his eyes go wide.

“i love it when you tell me you love me. please don’t ever stop.”

you smile, before stifling a laugh.

“i love you.”

he groans.

“god, why was that kind of hot?”

you snort.

“what?”

“i don’t know! that was really hot. made my skin fucking…burn or something i don’t know. shut up. i hate you.”

“i was just doing what you asked.” you clarify.

“and it turns me on when you’re so obedient. you know that.”

you shake your head, as he laughs.

“ew. you’re so gross, sukuna.”

you both laugh, as you watch sukuna visibly relax.

you can tell that the jokes, as misplaced as they seem in the conversation, make it easier for him to keep going – that they’re soothing his nerves.

you can’t lie that it doesn’t do the same for you. it’s overwhelming concern that he isn’t okay, that you need to call someone, but the tiniest shreds of this are small reminders that…that maybe he’s just recounting the memory. that maybe it’s just a considerably smaller part of him now, or that it lives in the past, and just informs who he is now.

he continues.

“it got worse. i started bleeding into other things too. i didn’t get basketball captain and that was the first thought that came to mind – that i wanted to die. a girl would stop talking to me because she thought i was a dick and that was the only thing i could think about for days after. it got so bad that…that one time i was at school and i didn’t get my locker combination right the first time. and all i thought about was that i was going to sit in my car, drive home, and forget to make the last turn and just go straight into the light pole.”

sukuna’s messing with the charms of your necklace, running his hand over the star as he talks. you can tell that…that it’s almost rambling now, that he needs it to keep himself tethered.

“then those got more vivid. thinking of concrete ways. in my dreams, while i was in class. falling down, falling asleep and never waking up. and whenever i’d fight with my dad, if…if i found out he hit my mom while i was gone, i just…”

he pauses, before he looks up at you.

“i only left for europe because i knew i was going to die if i didn’t.” you whisper.

you nod.

of course that’s why he left. the only time he physically had to put himself over the two of them. because the pain of him being gone entirely, as opposed to a few years, was the calculated choice he had to make.

you reach forward, placing your hand on the side of his cheek, as he leans into the touch.

“i’m glad you didn’t. we all need you here. like, indefinitely.” you whisper.

he smiles.

“it did get better after that. i liked being there, i…i met a lot of different people when i was studying there. visited random places just to see what it was like out there, maybe that things were different. i got a therapist after my third week and just, just had my own life. learned my own limits. what i like, what i don’t.”

you smile.

“heavy on learning what i did like. i will note that i missed you a lot when i was there.”

you scoff.

“liar. you’re just trying to romance me.”

he rolls his eyes.

“what’s your computer background?”

you squint your eyes at him.

“your computer locksreen. what has it been since you got your first computer?” he asks.

“monet. the waterlillies.”

“do you know where the waterlilies are in real life?”

you smile.

“let me guess. in europe?”

he smiles back, before lifting your hands to press a kiss to your knuckles.

“france. musée de l’orangerie. oval rooms, they were put up after monet died.”

it makes your heart flutter – the way the french falls out of his mouth perfectly.

“museum of orange?”

“haha. hilarious.” he responds.

you grin in response.

“but really. i heard they were in france. i thought of you and then i had to go see them. i found the exact one – the purple and blue that i had seen on your computer – and all i could think about for the entire week was how you were. how you were a soft spot, how my memories with yuuji were too, and at that basketball park near our house”

you can feel your chest burning – just from how much you love him.

“you’ll have to go again. to the waterlillies. but with me this time, okay?” you ask.

he’s smiling from ear to ear.

“that’s a promise.” he whispers.

you lean forward, closing the space between you two. it’s a long kiss – only because every time you try to pull away, he’s just leaning forward so it doesn’t stop.

“i love you.” he states.

“me too. more than you know.” you affirm.

“thanks…thanks for getting it. you…you really are fucking made for me because i don’t get how anyone else would take that.”

you tilt your head to the side.

“i don’t get how you think anyone wouldn’t. that’s…that’s normal to think about. to have it come up.”

sukuna shakes his head.

“i don’t know. i was just sitting there in bed thinking about it because…because i was planning all that stuff. like calling sammy and the breakfast. and really, if something like this happened years ago when i was here, i’d be thinking of how i wanted to die. and i was just…thinking about what i wanted to do instead. almost like i was looking forward to the next morning, to…to making you feel good and having a good day for us.”

you smile.

“i’ve felt that way a lot since i came back. i got nanami a really good birthday gift and i couldn’t wait to give it to him. or when some dumb pop culture thing happens and i see it in the news..it makes satoru so happy when i ask him to explain it that sometimes i find myself looking forward to it. just…reasons to wake up in the morning i guess?”

“i’m going to tell satoru.” you state.

“no, you’re not. i’m never talking to you again.”

you roll your eyes.

“i don’t know. i figured you’d want me to just think about you after yesterday. a lot of people do and…and most of the time it is just about you, i swear. but i think that…” he starts.

you shake your head.

“i don’t want you to just think about me. like…if you’re having a sex dream and someone else comes up, i will hate you forever. but it shouldn’t just be me. i want you to have your own life, i want me to have my own, and that we’re just parts of it for each other. and to me…what you told me just sounds like you were making sense of where i fit in with the rest of your life. i would never ever hate that. that’s where i want to be, in there with everything else.”

sukuna sighs, before leaning his forehead against yours. it’s a long pause before he talks again, but the silence is filled by warm kisses to the side of your face that make your skin singe.

“did you know that you’re the love of my life?” he whispers.

you roll your eyes.

“i said it first.”

he places his hands around your cheeks, before gently angling your face up so that you’re looking at him.

“you’re the love of my life. that’s really where you fit in.” sukuna states.

you can’t help but smile, biting down on the sides of your cheek from the sweetness.

“you were the first girl i ever liked. the only one i thought about when i was gone. the only one i could ever tell this to. and now i can’t be anywhere except if it’s with you. you’re the love of my life.”

you smile, before you shake your head.

“you’re the first guy i ever liked. the only person i ever thought about until you left. you’re the only person i can give myself to. and i…i’m tied to you – you…you can’t get away even if you tried. you’re the love of my life too.”

he smiles back.

“i’m not trying.”

“okay, well it’s a threat. you can’t try.” you joke.

“i’m not going to.” he whispers, full of sincerity.

he locks his hand in with yours, before pulling you back towards the bedroom, where you tangle your limbs again until it’s impossible to be closer.

“just one thing before you sleep.” sukuna states.

“what?”

“we’re having separate cups of hot chocolate in the morning. you drank the entire fucking cup.”

an: PHEW my heart hurts. my favorite chapter me thinks. the fluff is DISGUSTING!!! TOOTH ROTTING! anyways. lets all thank miss taylor alison swift for writing who's afraid of little old me? because that's what made me think of this chapter and how I wanted to come out. like the "I was tame I was gentle until the circus life made me mean" 😭

taglist: @porridgesblog @k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06 @sweetenertea @skzismyhome @mykyoon @violetmatcha @rebeccawinters @shotenvinsoot @itzmeme @gojoswifeyyys-world @cutiejg @chilichopsticks @ghostreadersthings @charlie-xo @whoami-72 @heijihattorisgf @megu-meow @complexivelovely @multiplefandomthings @hoebuns @lzaj19 @glossygreene @ramluvr @sureconfused @najaemism @manduse @imhorn1help @gamergirl5125 @r0ckst4rjk @invisible-mori @isaacdaknight @gyros-cum-sock @wishmemel @suftsunshine @i0099 @cowgirlikets @haitanibros0007 @stuffeddeer @yoontaedotin @ec3lipsy @armani78 @awkwardaardvarkforever @kereseth @leave-rae-alone @ruruvia @princess-ackerman @jjkwritingss @lilkiwikiara @opchara @telepathicheartss @starriesworlds @raechu11 @exprimidordefresas @nxxrxm @aalloochaat @strangehuman101 @tzutology

#icymi <3

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seeingivy · 4 days

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Hello! I am not a swiftie or anything but I do love some of Taylors songs.. anyway since I'm not a hardcore fan I don't want to listen to all 30 songs on ttpd but I do wanna try at least one or two? Do you have recommendations or which ones are your favorite? I'm sure id like some of them 🫂🫂

omg this is so cute thank you for asking me!!! i’ll try to vary the types of songs but these are my favorites right now: fortnight ft. post malone, who’s afraid of little old me, loml, the albatross, and i hate it here (this one was truly written for the fanfiction girlies)

#asks!

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seeingivy · 5 days

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PLEASE I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT TTPD SONGS YOU THINK ARE METHOD ACTING CODED

oh this is so important to me. had to give it it's own ask bc i can't wait for the asks to pile up to answer this.

fortnight is method acting coded, but for historia/ymir. I LOVEEEEE YOUUUUU ITS RUINING MY LIFE. hisu would write this after they literally just slept together in that bed once during marco's funeral chapter.

guilty as sin is y/n in the pining era before they ever started dating

WHO'S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME Y/N OH LORD. if you wanted me dead you should have just said (towards eren) 😭 AND AND AND I was tame I was gentle till the circus life made me mean dont you worry folks we took out all her teeth OH ITS SO HER

honestly. I take back my previous comment about loml that I made somewhere but eren would write loml after she broke up with him on that rooftop. OUR FIELD OF DREAMS, ENGULFED IN FIRE. YOUR ARSON'S MATCH, YOUR SOMBER EYES. AND ILL STILL SEE IT TILL I DIE YOU'RE THE LOSS OF MY LIFEEEEE

l can do it with a broken heart is historia.

the smallest man who ever lived but lana writes it about ricky... YOU DESERVE PRISON BUT YOU WON'T GET TIME!!!!

hange would either write clara bow about y/n or y/n would write it about gabi 😭 the future's bright and dazzling

eren would write the black dog.

lana writes the albatross but the girl describe in the song as the albatross is y/n bc y/n stays dogging ricky and she never got to

now idk why but I hate it here is so falco. like I feel like he writes more folksy songs in general but he would write something like that.

y/n would write thank you aimee about hyla. more like tHank You aLiyAh if you know what I mean. so sorry to the aliyah's of the world I couldn't think of another name.

eren would write the prophecy for the show. (if you've seen the prophecy edits to aot u know what I mean)

eren would write peter about. SAID YOU WERE GONNA GROW UP THEN YOU WERE GONNA COME FIND ME...and she never did

anyways. that was a lot.

#asks!#method acting

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seeingivy · 5 days

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OKAY.

Should I read method acting?

Bc I’ve only ever watched like 5 episodes of aot but I keep seeing so much abt your fic on here…

(If any other people see this HELP ME IN MY DECISION PRETTY PLEASE)

now me personally...i am biased. i quite literally think that method acting might be my magnum opus and that nothing i write will ever be as good as that (though the bsfs older brother sukuna is coming for its neck a little in my eyes)

tbh, the show they are acting in in the fic is aot and sometimes i include scenes from the show just for dramatic effect, but I don't think that it would take away from reading it

and there are tweets. which is always fun. IDK. it's your choice but i think it's fun. my method acting fans are also my most loyal readers LOLLLL they've been coming back consistently since july and seem (?) pretty pleased with it so maybe it could be a good time!

idk yall if you see this help this lovely person with your thoughts LOL

#asks!#method acting

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