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elvensorceress · 11 months

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WIP Wednesday

tagged by my loves @alyxmastershipper @hippolotamus @spotsandsocks @rewritetheending @messyhairdiaz @buddiearemydads @shortsighted-owl @heartbeatdiaz @prettyboybuckley @the-likesofus

tagging @bekkachaos @ebdaydreamer @wildlife4life @rose-buddie @eddiescowboy @911onabc @spaceprincessem @thekristen999 @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @monsterrae1 @thisyearsloveisnow @this-is-moony-lovegood @bigassdiaz @comaboybuck @babytrapperdiaz and @lovecolibri @littlerosetrove 💕💕

Could not decide what to share, and fixing and connecting s6 plot threads is an ordeal, let me tell you. So have the boys in their divorce era while we try to tackle all the nonsense. This is just after the firefam firetruck scene where we’re roasting Buck...

Buck says in a confident tone that loses confidence with every word, “I thought it would make me feel better. I thought it would help. Dating her. You know? Someone to have— f-fun with. I thought it would be good.”

At least they’ve switched focus but is he for fucking real. “You thought it would make you feel better?”

It’s Buck’s turn to roll his eyes as if those weren’t the words that just came out of his mouth. “You know what I mean. Like— it would be a happy, positive, good thing in my life. And I could focus on that. And not worry about feeling weird or different or— or having to act a certain way because people are expecting it. She only knows this me. She likes this me. She thinks I’m more than what I am. She sees potential a-and someone worth coming back for. I like having someone around who accepts me as I am so I don’t have to tiptoe around people or— or pretend to be something I’m not. And we can just— be together and have fun.”

And he can focus on dating instead of coping and processing? Because she sees potential for something he isn’t now but could be later? Is that not the opposite of acceptance? She sees him as someone not worth staying for but worth coming back for? At least the first time around that is. Who the fuck knows about the second. How does that imply she’d stick around when shit hits the fan?

Eddie rubs his forehead and his temples with both hands, and where does he even start? This even worse than he thought. “And you can put aside whatever feels like it’s fucked up and wrong, and just not deal with it?”

“There’s nothing to deal with. I dealt. I’m better. I’m not going to be who I was before. I’m different. And it would be nice if my best friend could actually be supportive of my new girlfriend. For once.”

Oh, he can not be fucking serious. Also, given the circumstances, Eddie’s medal for gallantry in action really should have been for putting up with Taylor Kelly in his life for more than a year rather than anything he did in combat. “I don’t have a problem with your new girlfriend. My problem is with you. What happened to, I don’t want to pick wrong again? Or finding contentment and happiness within yourself, for yourself, before you look for another relationship so that you don’t end up dependent on something that makes you miserable? Can you honestly tell me you feel like you’re standing on solid ground right now? Because you keep saying you feel different, you’re not who you were, but none of this is different for you. One fucking thing happens, and you go right back to ‘being hurt gets me love and affection’ and clinging to someone you think will fix what you’re feeling.”

At least this brings something of fire through Eddie’s chest, but it’s sharp, raging, far too hot to touch without shields and turnout gear. And he doesn’t give Buck a chance to even attempt a rebuttal. “Sex has always been your coping mechanism. You spent a whole year with Taylor because everyone else was fucked up, but any one of us could have told you after you first met her how wrong she was for you and that it would never work. Hell, you knew it as soon as she was going to run the story on Bobby. And you hooked up with her and dated her anyway.”

Buff huffs, long aggrieved and annoyed. “Natalia isn’t Taylor.”

Thank fuck for that at least. “No, but you just told me you thought dating would help you feel better. Do you feel better? Has it worked? Can you tell me you’re perfectly happy and content with everything? Or are you still trying to make a relationship the solution to everything? Or is it a distraction so you don’t have to work through the things that are difficult and painful?”

Buck opens his mouth and lifts his hands like he wants to communicate, but only another aggravated sigh comes out.

So, Eddie waits.

“I don’t know,” Buck finally says, flat, deadpan, with nothing to give it life. “She’s fun and beautiful and insightful. She helps people. She’s a really good person.”

And how is this different from what Buck was mocking him for earlier? “Okay. And?”

“And she’s into death and thought me being struck by lightning was interesting. She thought it was interesting and then it wasn’t a bad thing. It wasn’t this horrible thing that happened. It was something we could bond over and it wasn’t serious or depressing or tragic. And I delivered a baby and she thought that was also cool and I don’t know what else you want from me. No one is perfectly happy and content with everything all the time.”

Jesus Christ. This is absolutely worse than Taylor fucking Kelly because at least then Buck wasn’t in such fucking denial. Eddie tries to breathe, tries to take a deep breath, deep and steady, and he might want to rip his hair out or punch the wall, he might want to, but he’s not going to. He’s not going to.

“She’s nice, she’s a good person, fine, you’re moving up in the world with that at least. But what makes her actually good for you? How the hell do you know she would want to stick around when something goes wrong? How do you know she wouldn’t be exactly like Ali and leave you when she got overwhelmed and couldn’t deal anymore? She came back once but how easily was she scared off? Why did you spend most of our dinner talking about all the times you nearly died, like you were disappointed that wasn’t the result? Are you trying to impress her with your almost-deaths? Are you trying to show off how little you care about your own life? Is that the kind of love you want to have? Do you actually feel anything for her? If every day is a gift and it’s just icing on the cake because you survived when you feel like you shouldn’t have, do you think you should be dead right now? Is that was you’re feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Buck snaps this time. “Okay? I don’t know. I don’t have any more answers. I’m out of answers. I lost all my superpowers. The kryptonite got me and I’m just some guy in glasses who can’t do anything. I can’t fix anything. I don’t know what to do or be or think. I don’t know what’s wrong. Nothing should be wrong. It’s fine. It’s not bad. We hang out. We go on dates. We— never mind. I figure, it has to be me. Right? I’m the one who died. I’m the one who was stuck somewhere with nightmares and horrible, warped fears that became real. I don’t even believe them. I don’t think I saved Bobby. I didn’t actually help you. You were already the best dad. Maddie saved herself and I was the one who left her when she needed help because I didn’t know how bad it was. I was too focused on myself and my own pathetic life. And now I can’t be around anyone I love because it’s all different and weird, and I have to be something that doesn’t feel like me anymore. Or something where I’m pretending I’m okay because if I don’t, everyone looks at me like I’m going to die right in front of them.”

The problem is. Buck did die right in front of them. And it changed all of them, too. It’s not something they can erase or forget.

“Buck,” he says and tries to make it gentle, but strong, unbreakable, unconditional. “There’s not a single person who loves you— who truly loves you— who would want you to be anyone but who you want to be and who you feel like you are. Not a single one of us. The only reason anyone might treat you differently is because they realize how important you are and how much they love you and want you around. Yes, it can be overwhelming and terrifying and even annoying when you feel like you’re being smothered and babied. But it won’t last. Believe me, it doesn’t. People process and work through it and it gets better. Everyone moves on. It won’t always be like this.”

“And what if I don’t? What if I can’t move on? What if I’m just like this forever because I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do?”

“Then be different. Be whatever you want. Reinvent yourself completely. None of us would be unsupportive if that is honestly what you need. You don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to have answers. You don’t need to pretend. You don’t need to be superman. We don’t love you for any of those reasons. We love you because you’re you.”

The words are too much. They’re too real, too jagged, too much like lost sour desperation in his mouth. Eddie exhales heavily like even the air is too heavy for his chest.

Buck sighs the same heaviness and sags where he’s sitting. His shoulders droop and his eyes turn glassy, and everything about him radiates defeat. “I know that. It just…” he trails off, looks somewhere into the distance like he’s lost all his words.

Eddie finishes the words for him. “You don’t feel it.” How could he? How could either of them?

Eddie’s heart died. How do either of them feel anything after that?

#buddie #buddie wip #jenwyn wip #fic: catching lightning #idk guys my brain is melting still #I feel like the whole season was just #let's throw logic out the window and not actually resolve anything or only sort of resolve it off screen #doesn't that sound like a great plan 👍👍#🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

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