#'killing is bad irl so in fiction i need to like the killers who feel bad about killing'

[pinkandpurple360]

https://www.tumblr.com/pinkandpurple360/734428651432591360/rewriting-the-i-like-tormenting-you-scene?source=share

Holy shit your writing of stella is amazing i would love to see more of your stella interpretation *picks your neurons in spoon like ice cream*

The "dragging me from one dollhouse to other" is just DAMN amazing and goes into my citation list. I see that Hellaverse isn't really egalitary and matriarchial so much (wtf where are moms that kills husbands why there are litterally so many characters who have dead moms...) as if it still have arranged marriages and i find it... Kinda... Stupid really idk... I want to see more punk and weirdness in hell, especially elite and hell culture. Btw they could just have random Orphan Child instead of their own lol. i think it would be fun since a lot of religious propagandist people i see are fixing about "making your own blood" on tv to convice people into making demography higher.

Like idk irl so much nonconfirmity and tradition repulsiveness considered terrible sin, i think they can have way more funnier culture and things than just plain anarchy. Or, like, monarchy and feodalism, but with more kill-counts. Idk what about instead of arranged marriage send your kids to marry who they want, have kids, but THEN make their kids forcefully friends-nemesis like in phineas in ferb lmao to express their wish to destroy other family and their plans, but not so much. So they can not only create one child, but multiple, so nemesis just try they best to have a bad effect on their younger siblings lol. Or try to make them into soblings. Or try their best to piss off them all. And parents may help both sides, or just laugh at them, and be proud. Now THAT'S the arranged shit i want to see rich elite characters in lol.

And also this ancient tradition help them to develop both social skills, manipulation skills, sarcastic remarks skill, and fighting skills, of course. That'll be funnier. I kinda just love seeing nonhuman characters acting nonhuman and managing their relationships nonhumanly, im very bored of seeing patriarchy in fictional species that can just not act in this way because why.

And your writing feels so much more natural than original, because... I like original stella because how comedical she is in her evilness (hiring killer right before victim right while dinner is a hella funny thing im ready to forgive all sins and oversimplyfying for it), but actually your version of writing is more relatable, and human-looking, and humane to her. And show her as not a pure evil i love it, since Stella in canon (and fanon because her poor writing) just made into a joke... And it honestly is the thing i don't like.

well... I lived with abusive family in a very weird situations. Basically horror irl, so it's indeed a shit story to be involved in as a kid. Amazing rewriting

Thank you!!!

Im so sorry you went through such a thing. Hope things are better now.

It felt soo cathartic just to write it and I’d recommend anyone who hates a scene to just rewrite it on your notepad or something because that genuinely helps. The inclusion of Octavia and how his gross sexual exhibitions affect her also felt very important to me. Because he refuses to ever accept it.

Thank youuu for picking my neurons hehe. Writing Stella is interesting because she’s such a blank slate, but there’s so much untouched subtleties. Her rage tendencies, her need to have money, an obsession with parties and stimulation, clearly the only source of excitement in her life.

Where are the moms who kill husbands? Stella is the only one, and this action makes her the next mom on the chopping block apparently. Crimson murders his wife and gets yaoi made of him despite the fact that he’s straight.

I too wish there was some semblance of a punk scene but everything gets labelled goth instead. Kindve a shame. And you’re right they don’t behave like birds at all, there’s no clever animal puns or character work being done. Swans peacocks parrots owls ravens? Why?

I wish Stella could be a character, while having her occasional moments of petty villainy and comedy. Stop trying to force a comic relief character to be this Uber serious abuser or whatever. Her story is just as sad as stolas in many ways and there’s no getting around it. The projection of amber heard hate onto her is so childish.

#helluva boss critical #Stella helluva boss #rewrite

[earthstellar]

it's been a rough few days to be in healthcare in England

I know it's made international news in some places, but for those unaware, a serial killer nurse just got busted for killing several infant patients after a ton of fuckery impeded the initial investigation

I'm not linking to any news articles about it because it's all anyone can talk about and we're all so fucking depressed about it

naturally it's a scandal and everyone's morale is in the shitter regardless of whatever anyone's role might be, clinical, non-clinical, or otherwise

it's not the first time something horrific like this has happened; Stafford Hospital, Wrightington Hospital, the Bristol heart scandal, the Alder Hey organs scandal, and a whole fuckload more

but still, understandably, everyone is feeling pretty horrendously bad over this current situation

just makes me wonder what Ratchet's initial reaction was to finding out just how many medics had sided with the Decepticons-- in four million years of war, plenty of moral injury to go around, many crimes committed, and much to think about

in at least one continuity (IDW 1) Ratchet very nearly joined the Decepticons himself, and he watched Pharma's decline from excellent, honourable Autobot medic to becoming a T-cog stealing, patient killing, staff endangering maniac (which I've talked about at length previously) -- the distress of which is painfully relevant at the moment, really

or what about finding out how many medics never picked a side and went neutral, fleeing to safe havens like Crystal City for as long as they could to avoid the war-- understandable, but also prevents them from treating any war wounded on either side and effectively removes them from alleviating strain on wartime medical staff, resulting in overall greater numbers of fatalities and poor outcomes

(not to mention additional wear and tear on staff; if some of these neutral medics had been around to assist Ratchet, would he have aged and worn out so severely?)

IDK this probably sounds fucked up to even talk about right now given the seriousness of the current IRL case, but fiction is how a lot of people deal with bad shit and I'm not an exception to that-- hopefully it doesn't come across as being in poor taste

I'm taking tomorrow off work, thank god, so hopefully I'll be able to take a break and finally get around to answering some things in my inbox-- thank you to everyone who's sent me messages especially about Cybertronian medicine because I love thinking about that and I really need stuff to keep my mind off this horrible IRL case at the moment <3

#medbay posting #cw medical abuse #tw medical abuse #tw serial killer #I have no idea what to tag this

[brandnewhuman]

As a person who used to be part of the True Crime community and unfortunately was thirsty for school shooters (was 13 at that time, now 18), looking back at it makes me ashamed of what I did. Obviously I was not aware of what I was doing and wasn’t mature enough to be like “Oh, this is disrespectful to the victims and their families. I should stop.”

Being thirsty for fictional slashers is better than actual serial killers because you know these slashers aren’t real and the harm they did on screen isn’t real too. Most people are attracted to slashers like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees because they’re big and scary, not because they kill people. Whereas young teens are attracted to *insert irl murderer’s name” only because they kill (from what I witnessed).

Maybe this will bite my ass later but don't feel bad. Unfortunately all of us have done shit we'll regret forever and you're absolutely right, you didn't had the mental capacity to understand cause you weren't mature enough but now you are and now you're making the right choices and that's what matters. When you choose to be better and acknowledge your faults it's sign that you're doing life the right way.

I want to say this to all of my followers cause its something sometimes makes me feel bad too. You are not your past mistakes, there's always room to change and to be better if you want to. The you from years ago it's not necessarily the same you now. Everyone does bad things and everyone can lose focus of what's right or wrong, the only thing that matters is not losing touch with reality and actually do better. Super proud of you bro

I used to be one of those that at 13 years old spend the time doing the same shit cause I had the "they're misunderstood " mentality.

What people don't understand is that while you can feel bad for them you can't absolutely try to justify them. You can understand but they're still bad people and at the end of the day, they didn't made the effort to change or do better.

Simping for slashers doesn't hurt anyone cause they're victims aren't real, they themselves aren't real. Maybe they can be inspired by someone real (which it's not that hard considering how many serial killers there are) but still they are not real life. Michael myers does not exist so if you like him there's nothing wrong but like ,say you like idk Ted bundy or Richard ramirez, that's a real problem.

Falling "in love" with real killers does not only hurt the memory of the victims but the families and everyone who was involved. Imagine seeing that the person that killed your family, boyfriend, girlfriend ecc gets praised for it and gets attention and love while the name of your loved one gets forgot.

We can't make THEM live forever, we true crime fans should focus more on the victims. It's okay to have an interest for true crime, to like to study the cases ecc but do not cross that line of treating them like they're helpless and sad people who didn't had a choice. The victims didn't had a choice, they did and they chose the wrong one.

All that thirsting for serial killers comes from being exposed to things you shouldn't be expose at that age. At 13 you're still just a kid, and kids don't need to fill their heads with that stuff. I learned that too late and now I regret it, mostly because the shame and guilt tugs on the "You're a bad person" voice in my head so

MINORS WHEN WE ADULTS SAY DO NOT INTERACT WITH US OR WITH CONTENT THAT YOU KNOW ITS NOT FOR YOU IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD OR BE DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS YOU. WE JUST WANT TO KEEP YOU FROM MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES WE DID.

#slasher fandom #slashers #slasher community #slasher fanfiction #horror movies #slasher x reader #slasher headcanons #slasher

[aqueeracademic]

morse being queer (and other commentary) pt 7:

season 2, episode 3, “Sway”:

- i know that morse is looking up to examine the cork board but i’m like 98% sure he’s looking up to examine jakes

- omg this episode is so fruity!

- i actually have no idea i’m just manifesting it

- you ever see a man in a tv show and immediately know he’s a douche even tho nothing has happened yet? that just happened!

- “housewife willingly opened door to killer!” how about you rephrase that so it doesn’t seem like it’s her fault?

- i already don’t think sex is real, so when people fuck in cars i am EXTRA skeptical

- needing a cigarette after seeing smth upsetting is relatable

- i do feel as though jakes always believes morse immediately, he just asks questions to make it make sense to himself

- like he doesn’t fully understand it but he would never say morse is wrong

- because he’s in love.

- i’m pretty sure the professor is a homosexual and that’s why he and his wife live apart and why he admits he doesn’t understand women BUT i also think almost every fictional character to ever exist is gay so whatever

- when men refer to women as “birds” i want to die

- how people with disabilities are treated in this show makes me violent to be QUITE frank

- morse immediately locking in on the case when he’s asked about being in a relationship is so real

- the question i must ask you is this (listen very carefully):

- IS morse watching the COUPLE or is he watching the MAN?

- ^this isn’t delusional because NOW LISTEN

- when the gay employee walks past and the other guys follow and say that homophobic shit

- morse reacts ALMOST like they’re talking to him

- he turns around immediately, IMMEDIATELY stops looking at the man he was looking at (who, after sitting down with his girl, is the only person in view, insinuating that morse was indeed only looking at the man), and looks offended as if they had spoken to him

- which, of course, they haven’t

- and if morse automatically assumes that they were talking to him, does that suggest that people have assumed he was queer in the past and bullied him for it?

- i just want to know why shaun evans chose to have morse react that way

- have i mentioned i’m obsessed with monica? because i’m obsessed

- i would also faint if i saw thursday irl tbh she’s not dramatic at all

- morse is down BAD for the owner of burridge’s and i cannot blame him

- jakes is SO FINE 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

- “who knows with women haters?”

- thursday is a feminist and an ally!

- italian woman + gay man = perfect pairing is all i’m learning this episode

- casual ableism is SO UGLY

- “you shouldn’t tease people” “you’re one to talk” NEWS FLASH BUCKO ur a fucking misogynist

- just because a woman is attractive does NOT mean she’s asking you to sleep with her ‼️‼️‼️

- morse going on a heterosexual date and then glaring at heterosexuals the whole time is killing me

- “should be strangled at birth” sir how r u still alive

- why on earth did thursday ring the bell and then walk that far away

- morse has UNLIMITED rizz

- it being revealed that this italian lady is not the italian lady thursday was in love w is the best plot twist of the century methinks

- it’s not even really a plot twist

- it’s just a relief to know he’s not gonna cheat on his wife rn

- it’s just this:

- LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!

- it’s the way that bright asks thursday how people can value passion over someone who is consistent and dependable and then thursday having to face that difference through the whole episode

- he had passion with the italian woman and is trying to find it again with miss armstrong

- but it doesn’t work because he has his wife

- and she’s DEPENDABLE

- and it’s shown when she gives him his sandwiches and tells him to come home safe and it’s IMPORTANT for him to have someone who is so consistent

- the gay man at burridges is my favorite character in the entire 9 seasons of this show and it’s not even close

- the way morse rolls his eyes when jakes says panty hose are more popular

- “as if you’d know” 🙄🙄🙄

- this episode actually makes the culprit as obvious as humanely possible at the 45:15 mark and it’s the only episode in the whole show where i knew who it was the entire time

- i’m fairly convinced that jakes being rude to morse is just him trying to make jokes and being bad at it

- “who are you going to believe?” and the answer being the super gay 12 year old detective is so real of the burridge’s owner tbh

- i’m lowkey confused because ms. armstrong told thursday “i’m not her” and “she died” but then in their next scene together they act like they WERE in a relationship so maybe i lack media literacy but idk wtf is going awn

- this gay man’s fashion taste is fucking elite

- the all teal look?????? the matching goddam eyeshadow???????

- werk.

- “proper pals we was. but i got careless. lost him somewhere. you’re young. you think love’s like buses. there will be another one along in a minute. that was ‘48… it’s funny. it’s never the one you never met, it’s the one you can’t forget.”

- i’ll vomit.

- IM SO CONFUSED ABOUT THURSDAYS RELATIONSHIP WITH MS ARMSTRONG BC SHES TALKING LIKE THEY WERE AN ITEM EVEN THO SHE SAID THE WOMEN HE WAS W IS DEAD ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

- norman did NOT deserve that shit i’m devastated

- why don’t people ever just listen to morse the first time around

- as if he has ever been wrong 🙄 (he is wrong almost every single time he speaks)

- so this girl insinuated that Blenheim Veil is for people “who aren’t quite right” so i’m rly confused as to why jakes would be out there

- the burridge’s owner is so obviously flirting with morse and morse is not reacting at all i hate him

- morse absolutely devouring everything that man had to say about being a pilot

- morse loves PEOPLE he just hates individuals and he’s right

- JAKES UNDERCOVER WIG IS SENDING ME TO THE MOON PLEASEEEEEE

- jakes staring morse down when he’s telling thursday what Pugh said is so legitimate

- “didnt you go to sunday school?” “you don’t want to know where i went.” AND WHEN I LOSE MY MIND? AND WHEN THAT IS MY FINAL STRAW??? WHAT THEN?

- like i fucking said before:

- morse interprets jakes’ jokes as jakes being rude and interprets jakes’ defensiveness as a joke and that is why they don’t understand each other and that is why they love each other and don’t know how to show it. in this essay i will-

- morse’s rizz is so crazy 😧

- ^ i would like to apologize for using the word rizz unironically but it’s 3am

- one more time for the people in the back: i do not understand thursday’s relationship with the italian women and i don’t think i ever will

- “i’m the law and you’re nicked!” strange, i will marry you

- morse all sleepy and bundled up?? i’ll scream

- jakes’ goddam cheekbones are something i’ll never recover from

- morse being happy for and proud of strange for being successful is so silly and adorable

- morse clearly also doesn’t understand what thursdays relationship with ms. armstrong is and i can respect that

- what kind of money do the thursdays have where they can rent this venue for this celebration

- also stfu fred and winnie are my parents

- i’ve seen this episode 2 or 3 times now and i only just now realized why the chalk was important

- like they explain it but my brain is so small idk how i couldn’t comprehend it at first

- but also my brain is huge because i knew from the 45 minute mark who the killer was so everyone stfu

- thursday and morse both holding the exact same disgusted expression while the guy confesses is why i love them

- the ending of this episode is so crazy to me

- and sort of feels unnecessary????

- maybe that’s just me

- like he’s celebrating his anniversary and clearly happy and content and i don’t feel like she needed to die to solidify that

- it just opens the wound back up for him tbh

- doesn’t feel fair

- gonna lose my mind over how beautiful oxford is

- morse burning the letter so no one will ever know except for him and thursday is-

- 8/10 slightly more gay this time and it had my fav character

#solid episode #jakes #owns me #and he’ll never not own me #endeavour #endeavour itv #endeavour morse #morse #itv endeavour

[kuiperblog]

Deathloop sure is a video game

Every October, there's pop-up entertainment venues like "haunted houses" (or other haunted attractions) that attempt to artificially recreate the motifs common in horror movies, complete with live actors who are dressed as vampires or zombies or serial killers or whatever who leap out and scare the guests who squeal in delight, if only because it gives them an excuse to tightly cling to their partner.  It's more exciting than going to a horror movie, because it's a more tactile experience, so you're mostly just there to experience the various horror motifs without being concerned about a plot.

The thing is, there are actual horror movies that are set in haunted attractions.  And while this does make for some fun early reveals (like when the teenagers laugh at the knife-wielding man who they assume is an actor and part of the attraction, only to realize that he's actually a homicidal madman), the very idea of a horror movie set in a haunted house kind of feels like cheating.  Haunted attractions are, in a way, a simulacrum of a horror movie, which I suppose is an odd thing to say considering that haunted attractions are real and the events in horror movies are not, but I think that is the main level on which most haunted attractions are designed: a haunted attraction is a "horror movie IRL," so to then make that the setting of your horror movie “horror movie IRL but in a movie” is like a simulacrum of a simulacrum.  It’s shortcutting past the part where you would ordinarily come up with some kind of lore-based explanation for why the teenagers are hanging out in a creepy house and why there’s a demented killer or vampires or whatever who are trying to kill them.

I sort of feel this way about one of the first levels I played in Deathloop, which is a video game both in medium and form. It's a bit like Dishonored (one of Arkane's earlier titles) in the sense that the core objectives boil down to identifying an assassination target, and hunting them down in their mansion or laboratory or whatever.  The first target I assassinated was a fellow by the name of Charlie Montague, who is obsessed with games, and has populated a section of the world where you can speed-run an obstacle course to be rewarded with a gun, because this is a first-person shooter video game that is set on murder island, where everyone's favorite hobby is killing each other because they’re in a timeloop where everyone will revive the next day.  However, when I found Charlie Montague, he was in the middle of a LARP session.  This is literally how the game describes it: Charlie is hosting a game where he invites guests to participate in a game somewhat akin to a murder mystery, or maybe more like Among Us. When I arrived, Charlie announced over the loudspeaker to all of his guests that the killer monster (me) had arrived, and the objective was now for them to hunt me down.  (I, for my part, did my best to avoid the guests, but I had to gun down the entire party before finally getting to Charlie at the top floor.)

So, this is a video game level that felt very much like a video game level.  Which I don't really mean as a knock against it -- it was a fun environment, I had fun hunting down the game designer Charlie Montague and murdering his LARPing buddies, and the environment was set up in a way that made the confrontation with Charlie himself interesting, since Charlie possesses the blink power that lets him teleport across gaps and between floors.  But it kind of feels like cheating to have a video game level where the setting premise is, as explained by the game's fiction, literally a game created by a game designer (as opposed to trying to sell you on the idea that the level you're traipsing through is just some rich dude's mansion, or a military base, or whatever).  It is the video game equivalent of setting your horror movie in a haunted house attraction.

As an Arkane Studios fan (who started with 2006's Dark Messiah of Might and Magic, and counts Dishonored among my personal top 10 games of all time), I quite enjoyed Deathloop.  But it is by far the most video game video game that they've ever released.

Games like Dishonored and Prey (2017) exist in what is sometimes described as the "immersive sim" genre, where there's a big emphasis on player choice and giving the players a bunch of tools to approach objectives without giving them a prescribed route through the game.  Dishonored pushes you in the direction of being stealthy and quiet (with a "chaos" system that causes the world to become more desolate if you kill too many enemies in each level), but there are many routes through the levels -- and sometimes, you'll find your way to an objective through what feels like it isn't a prescribed "route" at all. The objectives are often quite simple -- "infiltrate, kill a dude, exfiltrate" -- but a level that could be completed in just a few minutes might take an hour to complete the first time you play it as you spend time scoping out the target, gradually getting a feel for the environment and learning which parts of the level have lots of enemies and which parts are safe and easy to stealth your way through.

The immersive sim's emphasis on carving your own way through levels leads to a phenomenon where a lot of the progression that you make is "meta" progression that exists entirely outside of your avatar -- you might spend an hour prowling around a level, and your character hasn't gotten any stronger (apart from maybe finding a few optional collectibles), but you as a player have "leveled up" to the point that you now know the level like the back of your hand, which is how you have people who spend hours exploring a level in Hitman so that they can do a perfect 5-minute speedrun of that level.

Sometimes, this sense of "meta-progression" is further emphasized by making some of the collectibles information that you as a player can store.  I remember a part in Dishonored where I found a locked safe, and I had to root around the game environment and find the code to the safe before I could come back and get the goodie inside.  But if I wanted to, I could write that number down so that on any subsequent playthrough, I could just go right to the safe and open it right away -- which feels a bit like cheating, but it's no less cheating than sprinting through a specific route through a level because I know from previous playthroughs that the path I'm taking has no guards.

Deathloop isn't quite like that: the game is filled with combinations and whatnot (in one "puzzle" I had to insert specifically-labeled tapes into a machine in a specific order), but all of these are generated randomly: you can't take that information with you across playthroughs, and you can't look the number up in a walkthrough like some older immersive sims would let you do. But Deathloop takes this meta progression and makes it actual progression: it's a time-loop story, and your character (Colt) remembers everything that he encounters across playthrough, so when you find the combination to a door, Colt will make a mental note of it (no need to bust out your pen and paper), and the next time you come to a locked door that requires that combination, you don't even have to punch in the numbers: just hold the triangle button on your Playstation controller and Colt will automatically punch in the numbers that he learned during an earlier loop.

Deathloop is full of little things like this that, on first glance, almost just feel like QoL improvements.  But there's something that feels very different about how things are done in Deathloop: in gameplay terms, it basically boils down to, "Go to this place and press square to read the password, then go to this other place and unlock the door," which is really not that different from "go to this place and press square to pick up the key, then go to this other place to unlock the door."  The "passwords" that exist throughout this game are basically just keys that Colt can store in his brain and take with him whenever you advance to the next loop.

And to be clear, that's not necessarily a *bad* thing.  In fact, immersive sims are kind of a niche genre that don't have a very big audience, so anything that helps streamline and make it more like, well, what you'd expect from a "video game," is probably going to make the game accessible to a lot more people.  And they streamline a *lot* in this game.  The game is all about planning the "perfect loop" where you manage to kill the 8 big baddies in a single day, and everything before that point is just preparing for that final loop.  Even though that seems like an abstract thing that might require you to hold a bunch of disparate information in your head, the game is actually *really* good at making it so that Colt is already mentally mapping out the game plan as you go, to the point where you can just go into the quest book, select a thread, and then just follow the waypoints.  Colt is planning for the "perfect loop" and collecting all the information he needs (including passwords, and memorizing information about how to get certain bosses to go to certain areas where they'll be vulnerable), and Colt is so good at remembering these things that the player never has to: you can play the entire game from start to finish just by traveling from waypoint to waypoint and stealthing or shooting your way past anything that stands in your way.

That is, of course, incredibly reductive.  The process of getting from point A to point B in Deathloop is fun for the same reason that getting from point A to point B is fun in any other game.  The guns feel good to shoot, the levels are interesting to navigate, and the game lets you earn the ability to take certain pieces of gear with you between loops so it always feels like there's forward progression.  But I think that there's a critical thing that's missing:

Immersive sims aren't just about getting from point A to point B.  Before you can get to point B, you have to discover where point B is.  *Where* in this mansion is the assassination target?  Better spend some time skulking around and listening to his staff gossip about his daily habits so you know which parts of the mansion he's likely to appear in.  Oh wait, I don't want to just get in the same room with this guy, I want to get myself in the same room with him *when he's not surrounded by his guards*.  How do I do that?  Better do some more snooping.  And in a sense, Deathloop *sort* of does this.  Before you can follow the waypoint objective marker to your target, you have to find out where they are.  But the "find out where they are" is often, "follow this *other* waypoint objective marker to find the slip of paper that tells you where they're going to be, at which point you can follow the waypoint objective marker to their exact location!"

And to be fair to Deathloop, it's not *all* like that.  There are some times where the game sort of just points you in the right direction and leaves you to figure it out, like one dude who has hosted a masquerade party where he and his guests are all wearing the same masks, and so you have to figure out a way to ferret him out.  (Or you can just murder everyone at the party to figure it out by process of elimination -- which is actually much easier said than done, because this is murder island and everybody is packing heat, and this is an exclusive party so his guests are the type of people who carry around heavy weapons.)

Another way that Deathloop takes the "meta progression" inherent to immersive sims and makes it explicit in-game progression is by having a time loop where you can encounter and kill the same targets over and over again.  That's the kind of thing that tends to happen in immersive sims across multiple playthroughs -- Hitman doesn't *require* you to play each level multiple times, but you generally want to, because each level is filled with tons of different routes to explore and different ways to deal with each of the targets.  But that's all on the player: it's not as if in the fiction of the Hitman universe, Agent 47 is repeatedly murdering a bunch of people who magically revive so that he can kill them again, whereas in Deathloop, that is very explicitly what is happening.

The thing is, because Deathloop is kind of designed with the assumption that you'll kill each target multiple times, the first time you encounter them and blow their head off, it doesn't feel like the grand emotional climax.  In fact, in a way, it feels like the *start* of a relationship.  "Goodbye, Charlie Montague.  I hardly knew ye.  But I'm sure I'll know you better by the third time I'm leaving your LARPing session with that slab upgrade you're carrying."  I feel like that robs the kills of some of their impact, and maybe that's just inherent to what kind of game this is: in Dishonored, you feel as though over the course of a level, you get to know your target as you snoop through their quarters, overhear what their staff have to say about them, read the journals of their rivals while looking for possible weaknesses, and so on.  Because it's a stealth game, it makes sense to hide in the background and learn about their life.  Stalking a character through a level while waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike can actually feel incredibly intimate, because as  the eponymous Visible Man in Chuck Klosterman’s novel says, to truly know who someone is, you have to see them when they’re alone at home; their behavior anywhere else is just a performance.

But when I'm chasing down Charlie Montague with an SMG in one hand and a pistol in the other, the only thing I really know about him is what he's announcing over the loudspeaker.  (I don't really remember exactly what he said, but the subtext is that he's mentally unstable, and he's obsessed with games.)  And even though Charlie Montague was shouting at me what kind of person he said, I feel like I never really got to *know* him like I got to know some targets in Dishonored.  In fact, the moments when I got to know Charlie best weren't when he was yelling at my over the loudspeaker as I ran through his level as Shooty McFPS guy, but the moments when I got to read his notes or chat correspondence (which is *entirely optional*, because even if I don't learn the relevant facts from Charlie Montague's notes, Cole will -- and he'll verbally narrate the cliffsnotes version of them as I'm headed to the next objective)

Despite feeling like a clear descendant of Arkane’s earlier titles, Deathloop feels neither "immersive" nor "sim."  It's constantly doing things that remind me that I'm playing a video game -- which, to be clear, is not a bad thing!  It’s fun to be Shooty McFPS guy without worrying about hiding guards bodies or making noise. More than any other Arkane Studios game, it does everything it can to minimize player frustration, whether that means feeling lost, or feeling like you're not making forward progress, or feeling like your progress is being gated by a huge spike in difficulty.

Dishonored is a game that rewards patience.  This is one of my favorite things about it, but the fact that it rewards patience so generously means that it also *asks* patience of the player in order to get its best moments, which means that some players will never experience them.  Deathloop asks very little from the player.  Deathloop is a very "even" and "smooth" experience, but that's both for better and for worse.  The lows aren't as low, but the highs aren't nearly as high. Deathloop is a good game.  And it will probably be a "good game" to a greater number of people than Arkane's previous titles, but it didn’t have nearly the same impact on me.

Anyway, more than anything, my time with Deathloop has convinced that I should go back and play Prey (2017).

#deathloop #arkane studios #I apologize for such a long letter #dishonored #prey 2017 #immersive sim #video games

[hazelcephalopod]

The Eye of the World Ch 29-30

This is just whump at this point. I could give a more dignified description, but I think that both captures the plot and spirit of the chapters. But specifically it’s Perrin Egwene whump.

Disclaimer: this is my first read thru but I’ve watched all of the show this far and been spoiled on some book things. So… I’m going to lean into that. Enjoy figuring out what I know, and what I think I know, and what I just don’t. Also s/x I add commentary when I edit.

Spoilers for the first book and up to the most recent episode under the cut. Potential spoilers for latter books.

Ch 29

Perrin POV

And we are back running. And running as fast and stealthily as possible. Tho, stealth may indeed do nothing for them

Bud. Accept the gift of the wolves.

Taking off his hat. That’s really smart actually

Honestly? Rarely been more nervous about birds. (Possible before in fiction. Once irl with some seagulls)

“A misshapen lump of torn fur marked what had been the fox.” (Perrin) seeing a flock of ravens take down a fox.

Go Egwene!

That’s no mist (?) (it’s the birds)

“Think, if you want to stay alive. Fear will kill you if you don’t control it.” -Elyas to Egwene and Perrin as the hide from the ravens. (‘Fear is the mind killer…’)

Damn and it’s only now midday. That is grueling.

Ohhh. Ohh. Oh no. I’m not going to describe that but that’s pretty bad even if it’s just a rabbit. Mmm. That’s some Birds shit right there

Ok. Yup. Ravens bad. Got it.

Didn’t need that image in my head.

So this and new powers angst? All the angst. All of it

I mean the wolves did and you’re people. With axes. And slings. Mainly axes tho

How is this worse than the Trollocs…? I guess an Aes Sedai really makes a big difference huh?

Ohhh noooo. Just the worse decision right there

The plot? Do I hear mercy from the plot? (Mm not really. Life yes)

“I feel as if I lost something.” -Egwene after Perrin feels something odd and Elyas looks like he knows something good(?).

“The One Power won’t work here; they can’t touch the True Source. Can’t even feel the Source, like it vanished. Makes them itch inside, that does. Gives them the shakes like a seven day drunk.” -Elyas on why neither Ravens who spy for the Dark One, nor any Trollocs, Fades, nor Aes Sedai would follow them where he’s led them.

Ah. It’s a stedding.

Ogier! (I later learn there aren’t any here. Disappointment…)

Yup. Gotta eat.

Oh. Don’t linger on that. Don’t need to answer that now.

“Artur Hawkwing’s eye. The eye of the High King himself. This is what his power and glory came to in the end.” -Elyas on the stone that was a statue -or marker?- they’ve made their fire against for the night.

Lore time!

Highlights of the lore- High King Artur “Hawkwing” Paendrag Tanreal united most of the Westland’s and some lands beyond the Aiel wastes. Sent armies across the Aryth. Ruled enough of the world it might as well have been all of it for Westlanders. And under it the common folk had peace and justice. Paid for by the sword, and with no mercy for lawbreakers or enemies of the state. Enemies of the state included Aes Sedai of Tar Valon, whom he warred against:”; also putting a price on their heads, 1k gold each. But the people loved him for the peace.

“An Aes Sedai healer could have saved him when he took sick… Be wouldn’t let one near him…” -Elyas (paraphrased) on Artur Hawkwing and Aes Sedai. Sounds familiar. (Much like a story from a shadow in the shadows.)

So yea it’s a statue. The people raised money for it. Because he was going to build a city in that stedding. But the city was never built because he died the day the statue was raised and his empire descended into chaos.

“…the last of the Hawkwing’s blood vanished from the earth — except maybe for some of those who went over the Aryth Ocean.” -Elyas on the fall of Hawkwing’s empire.

Ah. So the War of the Hundred Years basically The Dark Ages. That’s when the statue was pulled down (allegedly)

Ah. Right. Teens, nuance is a learned thing usually I suppose. It can always be both Egwene.

And on the lovely (/s) note of comparing the stone eye to a ravens the chapter ends.

Ch 30: Children of the Shadow

A sun! Odd considering the chapter name. (I later learn why. Not good why. But apt)

Still Perrin POV

Hey dude. Maybe. Now that you have the time. Perhaps, ask her? Hmm?

“… as long as you hate using it, you will use it more wisely than most men would. Wait. If ever you don’t hate it any longer, then will be the time to throw it as far as you can and run the other way.” -Elyas advising Perrin on keeping his axe and when to put it down.

What the hell is happening? That’s what I call dissociating but there’s wolf magic so..??

Oh no. Separating always goes poorly. (I later learn I was right)

Oh it’s people.

“Dapple says they smell wrong. It’s sort of the way a rabid dog smells wrong.” -Elyas on those people. Don’t like that. Somehow doubt it’s rabies and also wish it was rabies instead. (Even wolves hate WCs)

Love, why does anyone bother you? Yup. It’s sucks. They suck that’s why.

I’m sry. Wolf brothers get night vision? That’s pretty damn cool!

“I felt the rock.” -Perrin lied. To Egwene.

Oh it’s fucking Whitecloaks? Ugh.

“I told you somebody could hide in that? Isn’t that a horse?” -some Whitecloak pointing to Bela while she and Egwene and Perrin hide in the hand of a statue. Hilarious.

/Lol at my brother saying Perrins powers have no downsides. I mean mostly true honestly? So far so good. He’s just scared of it. I assume some people might be asshole. But for sure he’s got the least downsides of the rest of the TR crew. Right?/

Oh no.

Oh Hopper lost an eye. And killed a dude, sorta with Perrin

Wait… did Hopper fucking die?!

Oh no

Oh crap the coin!

BS Byar. You killed one of three

Yup. Sure. Totally that’s over

Bornhold. Truly. You may be the smartest Whitecloak ever. It’s a pretty low bar. And you are still mostly wrong.

And fuck off plz

Still an utter asshole of course

Well this is going poorly. But… doubt it could ever go well

Shocking that the Whitecloaks suck at their own damn mission /s. Though I suppose when everyone is dead there won’t be anymore Darkfriends.

Oh shit. They’re gonna kill Perrin

Tbh Whitecloaks suck worse than basically any enemy so far. It’s the banality of evil thing. Like these dudes have just existed, so I hate them more.

#RJ really was his works first and fervent whump writer #many thoughts on twot teotw #< block or filter to stop seeing these posts #the wheel of time #wheel of time #wot #wot book spoilers #twot book spoilers #twot book #eotw spoilers #eye of the world #the eye of the world

[grellrot]

i know this blog is kinda dead but now ive been meaning to ask, what would grell think about the numerous trans women serial killers in modern time? would she feel a sort of connection?

[Er—thank you for the question, but what numerous trans women serial killers?

I hope you mean fictional, so I’ll answer that in a minute; but since it’s not what you said, and there are way too many people who really believe trans women are going to jump them in an alley (the UK has been awful about this recently), I’d be remiss not to address that first.

<soapbox>

If you do mean irl, then I think you’ve been misled. Crime-wise, the only thing trans women are more likely to do is be victims. The idea that there are hordes of trans women skulking around murdering people is a transphobic scaremongering myth, perpetuated by people trying to strip them of their rights and exclude them from society. It’s the exact same recycled rhetoric that's been levelled against marginalised minorities since forever. (See: black people, gay people, immigrants, etc.) When, inevitably, someone from one of those minority groups does a bad thing, they’re held up an example of the intrinsic evil nature of the whole group, while bad individuals in the majority group are seen as rare exceptions. If you feel like there have been a lot of bad trans women in the press recently, that is why.

As a general rule, if people are yelling about how a certain minority is coming for our wives and daughters, or killing people in the streets, or preying on the innocent... they are usually trying to weaponise your protective instincts and fear of the ‘other’ to whip up a lynch mob based on outrage, bypassing the need to prove their outrage is justified. If you question them, they’ll accuse you of not caring about women and children, but they haven’t proven that anyone is even in danger. Be very, very careful what you believe before you pick up a pitchfork, or you might become the one preying on the innocent.

</soapbox>

If you mean the numerous trans women serial killers in fiction: yes, you’re right, there are a lot of those. And tbh... Grelle would definitely relate to and love them. And when they contribute to trans women being seen as an awful murderous threat, she’d love them even more. She’s a bad take.

In her... defence?

1.) She gets off on feeling powerful, and being feared definitely counts. This girl intentionally presents herself as a monster. She wants to be your worst nightmare.

2.) She leans hard into being degraded and dehumanised, which seems like a contradiction to the power thing, but it isn’t. If she wants you to hurt her, then hurting her isn’t an expression of dominance over her; it’s playing right into her hands. You can’t really hurt her at all, and she has the power again.

So yeah, murderpsychos is exactly Grelle’s idea of good trans representation. Since I keep saying edgy things like this (e.g. ‘Grelle doesn’t support women’s rights lol’), I feel like I should reiterate that what she believes is often the exact opposite of what is good for her, because she’s taught herself to love being hated and to enjoy abuse. She’d call it empowerment; it’s just as much a form of self-harm.

Basically, she’s an outlier who should not be counted. Respect trans women, even if Grelle wants you to step on her.]

#[while I'm on the topic #I don't think grelle herself or any other one bad trans woman in fiction is necessarily the problem #I think the trend is the problem; and the historical lack of positive representation to balance out the murderpsychos #if ppl in the last 50 years or so had been exposed to trans ppl as anything other than murderpsychos on tv #then the current conversation about trans rights would probably be in a better place] #out of red #ask #anonymous #long post

[batjokesmessages]

Some people in Russian Batjokes fandom are SO weird that I don’t even know if I should laugh or kinda fear😂

Read this guys, because you may find that absurd situation pretty funny.

So, I have a russian blog about Batman, Joker and other DC-themed stuff. I’ve spend last week watching different videos and cartoons about Joker, who is my favorite villain, and I was so inspired that a couple of days ago I posted a text about how much I love Joker as a fictional character. I can feel a physical pain when I see him falling in chemicals or when Batman breaks his heart again and again, and at the same time I find it breathtaking the way the Joker acts in comics and makes everybody shake in fear — and I described all of it in that text. There was so much excitement there, that I also decided to mention somewhere in comments that I probably would’t feel the same about such murderer in real life, but Joker is something special for me. I also said I wouldn’t feel sorry for the real-life maniacs the way I feel sorry for Joker. So I wanted people to know that the fact I like Joker doesn’t mean I appreciate violence in a real life. It a pretty healthy thing right? So listen what kind of replies I got today.

One of my followers said that I CAN’T completely understand the character if I don’t support his ideas. Also she was like “Wtf you say you’re inspired by the maniac in comics but when it comes to life you say you don’t care about such maniacs’ personality and you wouldn’t feel sorry for them (I actually didn’t say anything about personality). Loving someone who’s life is a violence, but not appreciating violence. What a double standard!” That was written in a pretty toxic way, like the thing I said were something stupid and wrong. Another commentator supported her the same way.

Uhm... Is it just me or it sounds like “If you love the Joker you should be kinda maniac like him”?😂

I replied that understanding and supporting are different things. I said that I completely understand Joker’s view, and I love the way it all works in comics, but I don’t WANT to understand terrorists’ ideas in the real life, because YES THEY’RE MURDERERS! I made it clear I mean real serial killers, not those people who kill for some real reasons like self-protect or revenge. I was talking about maniacs, and yes, I don’t think they deserve support from you if you’re not a psychotherapist or an advocate. I said a very OBVIOUS thing: “Pop-culture and life have dividing borders. I never reflect something bad I love in comics to the reality. I look at the Joker as at the FICTIONAL character.” I gave an example: you can love watching beautifully acted fights in movies, but it doesn’t mean you would be excited if you saw people fighting right in front your eyes! More than that, I would definitely try to stop that fight! And I still loving to watch superheroes fight in comics, what a surprise. All of that is so obvious that I didn’t expect someone needs an explanation, but okay.

What she and some other persons said next was “Then you completely don’t understand Joker. For the real fan who’s actually obsessed with a character there’s no borders. If you’re far from violence how can you even feel the way the Joker feels? You judge your favorite character for the way he lives, you say you accept and understand him but you say violence is a shit”. While I never said I judge Joker! I told them a few times I’m taking him in completely different way I take people irl.

But they kept acting like all they hear from me is “I love Joker but I hate him for being a murderer”.

In the end they started saying that if I love the character I MUST accept him. They told me to “please learn the difference between loving the character and loving the character’s story”, also there was “you must me just one of those fan girls who care only about how he looks like” and “I stand for the correct understanding of loving a character. I would support mine even if everything was in real life (oh yeah sure you would team up with a psychotic serial killer tell me more about it girl)” and “It’s clear you don’t love the character himself, you just love his sad story” and etc. This is what they literally said. My minds were just like “What. Da. Hell.” This conversation started with the mention of my position about violence, and it ends with “You’re some sort of a wrong fan and you don’t have a right to love Joker”.

All of that made me mad. I tried to stop it with “Let me decide it myself, okay?” but they continued, and the smartest thing I could do was saying “Okay probably you know better about MY preferences” and left that stupid arguing.

So yep. Based on a couple of words I said, these people drew conclusions about the way I must love the Joker and the point I must have to love the Joker. I’m doing wrong, I’m thinking wrong, I live with double standards😊 And they must be some experts who decide if a person deserves to call herself somebody’s fan or not😂

The most frustrating thing is not that according to their words you must appreciate violence and support real-life maniacs if you want to love the Joker. This is too stupid to pay attention to, of course.

But the point is that they CAN NOT come to MY blog and tell ME how I MUST act to represent THEIR vision of the “real fan”. The can’t LITERALLY JUDGE me for the way I take this or that character. They CAN’T tell me I don’t love Joker if I DO. And there’s NO WAY they’re making me look for excuses why the hell I think the way I think.

And I remind that my “love confession” was written in absolutely friendly and optimistic tone. There was absolutely nothing that could work like a trigger. And one of those people who started that rude arguing was kinda my friend, ‘cause we used to support each other before and there was nothing wrong between us.

What da hell is wrong with people? And why the hell I never faced the same shit here in Tumblr?

P. S. There’s A LOT of super-nice, friendly and talented people in Russian fandom as well. Most of them support me a lot💜 And the girls I had to face today probably just feel jealous that surprisingly they’re not the onliest Joker’s fans here😂

#batjokes #joker #wtf

[rokhal]

Brains are so weird guys

So I just spent 14 hours in a research hole learning about tulpas. Not the spirit from that one Supernatural S1 episode, the Western adaptation of the Tibetan spiritual practice of growing a second consciousness in your own brain.

Because that’s what some people do. I guess if you ever feel like you have too much personal space, you can create a tulpa, and then you will never be alone for the rest of your life. Your tulpa can talk to you, and argue with you, and take over your body from you, and pursue its own hobbies and interests, and make its own online buddies, and take over your body from you...I mean, by most accounts, you have to actively step back and let the tulpa use your body, but. Um. Once they get to do it, they usually want to make it a regular thing.

Because, according to the tulpamancy community, tulpas are as real as you are. A brain is a machine that generates consciousness, and it generated your consciousness when you were a toddler; if you train your brain to generate a second consciousness, congratulations, you are now two people, usually permanently. And once you learn how, you can keep making more people. Who will each also have their own opinions and needs for social interaction and interest in using your body to do things.

So, mainly I was researching how to create a tulpa to make sure I don’t create one by accident Jesus God because that could be very bad, for the same reasons I will never reproduce.

Fortunately for me, imagining the speech, behaviors, and reactions of fictional characters is not enough; you have to do focused meditation for 1-3 months and actively invite these characters to comment on your life and external reality and treat them as real people before they start talking back and become permanent residents in your brain.

Except those rare cases where teenagers create tulpas by accident. But those are rare : )

So it all comes back to fandom, of course.

I write fanfic for All-New Ghost Rider, a comic whose protagonist Robbie Reyes is possessed by the ghost of a serial killer, Eli Morrow. Obviously, this is a bad situation that I do not want to replicate IRL. But researching tulpas, aside from learning DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO CREATE A TULPA, also was useful to gain more information on the techniques, communication, and experiences involved in real-world (?) body-sharing practiced by tulpamancers.

Robbie and Eli’s situation has many similarities to tulpamancy, enough that a supernatural skeptic trying to understand Robbie’s story might suggest that Eli is a tulpa created out of Robbie’s loneliness and rage rather than a real ghost.

Robbie would never create a tulpa; he doesn’t have the time or energy to spend three months meditating on an imaginary friend, nor, I think, would he create another person to share his somewhat-miserable life. Eli would be insulted to be called a tulpa.

But.

Eli might create a tulpa.

He’s a disembodied spirit who can only rarely get control of Robbie’s body and is incredibly bored and frustrated all the time; he’s also, I think, needy and lonely, but because he’s such an asshole, he never had any real friends except for his big brother, who eventually saw the light and turned against Eli too. He has nothing better to do than camp in a corner of Robbie’s brain and talk at it and feed it memories of his kills and call it “Shredder” and wait for it to start talking back.

So then Robbie has three months of headaches and random flashes of blood and gore and then one night when he’s trying to sleep he hears <Hi, Robbie> and he’s like What now, Eli? And the tulpa is like <I’m not Eli, I’m Shredder. I’m bored. Can we go cut up some bad people?> and Robbie’s like, Eli what the fuck? What the fuck did you do?

So now whenever Eli tries to talk Robbie into doing serial killer shit, there’s this innocent-but-sinister voice chiming along with him in the background, and yet another consciousness trying to get control of his body.

Inevitably Shredder abandons Eli because he’s such an asshole and starts looking to Robbie for friendship and guidance, and Robbie tries to be a good host and parent to Eli’s tulpa and gently but firmly correct their inbuilt preconceptions about what makes a fun family activity, because Shredder isn’t even a year old and didn’t ask to be created, doesn’t deserve to be killed, and isn’t (ever, ever) going away, but goddammit he does not need this.

#tulpa #all-new ghost rider #story idea #reference #my meta #robbie reyes #eli morrow

[problematic-nova]

I'm having a crisis and you're the Roy-person so I'm asking for your thoughts, though I'm not sure how active you are in fma anymore. Riza talks about Roy wanting to put the ishval war heroes on trial. Does this ever happen? Does Roy get executed? SHOULD Roy get executed?? Like, I love him to bits. He's my favourite character out of literally any character in anything. I want him to have a happy ending. But also...war crimes. Penny for your thoughts?

Oh, I'm the Roy person, that's so sweet, thank you! I'm not much in FMA these days (sadly- I'm always trying to get back into it, I have fics I REALLY want to finish) but I've always had opinions on this, so I can answer anyway! This is rather long-winded, because I've got many feelings on it, I'm a long-winded person, and it's been long enough that my thoughts aren't organized super coherently, so bear with me :D

My answer is no: I don't think they were executed. If you're asking purely what happened in canon, we never got an answer either way, but just for what my predictions/extrapolations would be, I don't think that they were. Or, at least, I don't think that they should be.

My answer is colored, of course, by Roy and Maes being my absolute favorites, and also by me being 100% against the death penalty irl. But I have two different reasons for this having always been my headcanon, and they also go hand in hand with another somewhat unpopular headcanon of mine, being that Roy /should/ have used the stone to restore his sight and /did/ get his sight back.

My first reason is asking - what good would this actually accomplish? Like I've said, I'm very much against the death penalty in real life, and firmly wish prison could be solely for rehabilitation and keeping the public safe, not punishment. It's a line of distinction that often simply isn't possible to do in real life, but as long as we're talking about a fictional ideal, here- looking at the Ishvallan genocide, the Amestrian soldiers that we know of who'd still probably be a danger to the Ishvallans, or who actually fully supported the genocide, are already dead. Basque Grand, Kimbley, Bradley, Envy. Killing or imprisoning Roy and Riza, rather than allowing them to continue rebuilding Ishval, accomplishes exactly nothing positive. It does, however, permanently remove two very important and politically powerful voices from any further restoration efforts, and stops them from continuing to work on rebuilding what they destroyed.

I like to parallel it with Scar. While we don't actually see Scar kill anyone innocent, I believe, we do see him try to with Ed and Al, so we can make the assumption that he did kill innocent people, not just soldiers from the genocide. The man was an actual serial killer, yet at the end of the series, we see him returned back to Ishval, smiling, healing, looking forward to helping to make the future a better place. Why? Because out of an imperfect situation, that's the best way forward that he has. He helped make the world a worse place, and while he can't take that back, the only thing he can do going forward is to actively try and make it a better place, instead. That's hard work. That's /work/, period, and you can't do that work if you're dead. Redemption by death is lazy and side-steps the actual redemption of working to right the wrongs that you caused. Roy and Riza both say they don't deserve to be redeemed? Okay. Redemption isn't about /you/, it's about the people that you hurt. And the people that get hurt if Roy and Riza are removed from the restoration of Ishval are the Ishvallans themselves.

(This isn't the same thing as saying they need to be /recognized/ for that redemption, in canon. The surviving families of Scar's victims are under no obligation whatsoever to forgive him, just as the surviving Ishvallans are under absolutely no obligation to forgive Roy, Riza, or Amestris. They're under no obligation to treat them kindly and would have every right to want them the hell out of their country, and Roy should respect those wishes wherever remotely possible.)

My second reason I like to think is more realistic, in that I just genuinely think, politically, it would be... a bad idea. There aren't many examples in history that I'm aware of, so it's mostly my own speculation. But Roy's plan is to spend decades endearing himself to the public eye, and transforming Amestris to a democracy, in what would probably make him the most popular fuhrer to prime minister imaginable in this fledgling, new, still unstable country - and then hold a very public trial where he and many other very important figures in the government are villainized and then executed.

This is a TERRIBLE idea. That is /begging/ for the country to be taken over again by a military dictatorship, because you can be damn sure there will be generals just waiting for the chance. It leaves a dangerous power vacuum at worst, and makes the new government horribly unstable and vulnerable at best. Back to my answer of what good would it accomplish? Well, I don't think it would accomplish much good at all, but I definitely can see many ways how it could lead to something potentially horrible.

I think that Roy spent decades working to accomplish his plan, because that is something that would take thirty, forty years: becoming Fuhrer, turning a very resistant military dictatorship into a democracy, working to restore rights to Ishval and start solid rebuilding efforts, overseeing those efforts to make sure they're more than just words on a page. That's the actual hard work it would take to even start to see real improvements that couldn't just as easily be taken back by a corrupt next president. There's no point where he's done "enough", where he's helped Ishval "enough" that it overwrites what he did wrong, it's okay, he can stop trying. But, by this point, he's probably in his sixties, seventies, after a very high-stress lifetime spent breathing in a lot of smoke. The life expectancy of men in 1950 in the US was 65.6 years. I really do think that he worked to restore Ishval until he died, and Riza with him.

#fma #roy mustang #riza hawkeye #ishvallan genocide #my opinions are also colored in that the perspective i'm least able to see things from #is the i want justice for these crimes that were done to me one #i've been a victim of a violent crime myself #and never wanted to see justice/prison result from it #so i struggle to see things from the point of view of an ishvallan #who just genuinely wants justice #which is a fair thing to want! #but anyway these are my two cents #i give you blanket permission to envision a happy ending for your favorite character anon

[kllsworn]

We've talked about it at length on discord (and I know it's a special interest of yours) so tell me what influences you see in Zack when compared to other killers, both fictional and irl ones. Are there any that particularly stand out to you in his character that you feel served to inspire it based on your research and etc? Anything that you really pull from in your portrayal?

Well for starters I personally see more influences from fictional killers than real life killers. Mainly considering the fact that most male RL Killers killed not only out of a sense of narcissism but also for sexual reasons. Zack displays none of that behavior. He’s neither interested in sexual assault, nor is he narcissistic. He actually lacks many standard tropes Sociopaths or Psychopaths have. I think this is what makes him so interesting. 

As to what influences I see in him, clearly 80′s and 90′s slashers like Ghost Face, Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees. His blood lust and incredibly physical strength paired with the fact that he’s extremely hard to kill are reoccurring traits in Slashers. As a matter of fact, most of the time they don’t even die at the end of their movies but return in a sequel. (We have 11 Halloween Movies with 2 more to come! And in the last 2018 movie, Michael was locked inside a burning building and shot multiple times, so yeah.. )  

Along with that, Zack is chatty and likes to taunt his victim or make his anger apparent through swearing. Traits you see in Slashers like Freddy Krueger or Chucky. Then we have his appearance. He’s not a good looking, charming killer hiding his true nature like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. He’s again, like the monstrous Slashers I mentioned. Terrifying in abilities and appearance alike. The bandages, the messy black hair paired with the hood and scythe gave him a rather unique design. He looks less human through small means like that but is clearly still somewhat humanoid. 

 Zack combines all these traits without simply copying these killers, instead they serve as the base for him to become his own Slasher. Yet his personality completely clashes with theirs. Where usually Slashers are the clear villains of the show who need little incentive to kill, Zack has morals, a clear trigger, standards and is not crazy for the sake of being crazy. The only crazy thing about him is the blood lust that occurs when he actually kills and how easily he can kill once he gets in the mood to do so. Aside from that he’s a man-child that was abandoned, hurt and became detached and bitter. He’s not a villain but rather an Anti-Hero build on villain norms. Obviously he’s unable to socialize normally but we see that it’s not impossible for him to do so. 

It’s a brilliant concept that’s incredibly complex - especially throwing his bond with Rachel in the mix. I’ve seen enough slasher movies in my life where the Slasher has become rather predictable. There is only so much you can do to make the villain as detached from your audience as possible while making him more scary. The less the audience can relate to the killer the scarier they become. So we learn as little as possible about them so that we cannot empathize. There are not many movies who dare to reveal more of the killer, in fear of making them too human (Basement Jack did that kinda well, explaining why the killer became a killer through more than ‘one bad thing that happened’ - despite it being a B-rated movie)

So when I rp Zack, I wholly build his personality on what I get from the game/show. However, his physical attributes are also taken from slasher movies I have seen. I take what I saw in the show and build on that with what I knew other slashers could do. Since his mindset is so different from most slashers I read about, I don’t take inspiration from anything but what the show already offered me and try to build on that based on my own knowledge. 

All in all, you can clearly tell the creator watched their fair share of slasher movies when creating the series - its almost like a pop culture reference at this point and I think that’s great! Including these traits without making a boring copycat killer. 

#ask #alexandriteobscura #[ B0 | OOC ] #[ K1 | Keeps ]

[cuddleslutloki]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

#anon #baylen chats

[ragnarssons]

You watch a show where a literal 12-year-old is raped by a much, much older man (Daenyries is 13 in the book, but you get the idea) and it's romanticised as a healthy relationship, but you're gonna object to a 12-year-old (Madi) shooting/killing someone? Grow up, it's badass. I'm guessing you had a fairly easy childhood based off of the both of those facts.

LMFAO. Okay, again a very brave “anon” sending assumptions about people they know nothing about. Yeah you can talk about bravery or badassery.First, it’s Daenerys* like, it’s not that hard to spell.Anyway. I watch GoT and I watch The 100, so idk why you’re arguing about “you watch that one sooo!” because I watch both. But just because I watch these show, doesn’t mean I condone every storyline happening on said shows. Guess what *shrugs* I also watched Shireen getting burnt alive by her own father! Again, doesn’t mean I like the storyline, just because I watch the show. The differences are:- GoT happens in a medieval settings, and I know people don’t like this argument, but there are some realistic elements to these storylines were very young girls are treated as women - expected to grow up fast - and are mistreated - raped and all. I knew what I was going into when I started watching GoT. - all these storylines are presented as BAD: Shireen is Stannis’ ultimate crime, Daenerys is on the verge of suicide because of Khal Drogo, and just because she’s learnt to adapt to survive, doesn’t mean it makes all the aspects of the relationship good or acceptable, nor does it wash over the fact that she was raped on their wedding night (on the show at least). - Emilia Clarke, despite playing a 15 yo on the show, was much older and tbh it helps making it easier to stomach. Lola is like 15 years old. The thing is, on The 100, it’s EXPECTED of the audience to cheer on that kid killing people. It’d be like GoT expecting us to cheer on Shireen getting murdered or Daenerys getting raped: it doesn’t! Seeing a child’s innocence getting butchered by life isn’t something I want to cheer to: whether it’s because that child is forced to become a killer, or is raped, or whatever else. I don’t need to “grow up” to find that badass: actually, anon, YOU should grow up and learn to cherrish the times of innocence in your life. I bet you’re some kind of “edgy teenager” thinking you know everything about life because you think a 12 yo holding a gun and shooting adults to survive is “badass”. Again, you’re bringing GoT into this: WEIRD, I had actually argued against GoT doing the same thing! As I said, I also don’t like Arya’s s4 storyline, BECAUSE the show is like “look at how badass she iiiis!!! Slowly killing a maaaan, BADASS!!!!” when NO I don’t think it is. On the show’s canon, at that point, Arya is like… 12 years old? Again, watching a 12 yo coldly murdering people and having no regard for human life is a NO to me. And guess what anon? You don’t get to tell people to “grow up” over anything they feel. You don’t get to make assumptions about people you know nothing about, just over tv shows and because you want to defend some shit writing that wants you to blindly be like “BLUUUUUUGH BADAAAAAAAS!!!” over kids killing people. Thing is, we literally have The 100 itself portraying the “duty” of killing other people, as a horrible thing happening to children: Lxa being forced into the “love is weakness” mentality and Luna having to FLEE her conclave in order to stay sane. So the show trying to make it all “badass” now because it’s Madi, NO THANK YOU. Madi was still forced into that position while there were 100 other possibilities of avoiding war WITHOUT putting a child on the front line, and forcing a piece of metal brainwashing her, into her skull! There are ACTUAL ADULTS who SHOULD take the responsability of leadership and not put it on children’s shoulders. That’s something that has made me progressively hate all the adult characters on this show: fuck Kane, Abby and Jaha, all cowards, letting kids to the dirty work for them. And fuck the Grounders for building their “culture” on the massacre of children and the idea of childhood. We know there are other options, from Madi’s family itself! Madi’s parents who hid her and protected her against this stupid culture! All for what? For the show to be like “?? what? It’s BADASS!” Uh, no.The show wanting us to be like “wow how crazy Clarke is for wanting to protect her child from a duty that got her ex-girlfriend MURDERED and that could ruin her entire childhood- not to mention, put her life in danger??” is just stupid. I’ll NEVER be okay with a bunch of adults, dropping responsability on a 12 years old, rather than DOING THINGS themselves. Like, actually being adults, and doing the hard choices themselves- something Clarke did last season- for her child’s sake, and if anything, I can at least admire her for that. The best stories are the ones where human emotions aren’t thrown into a void of inhumanity for the sake of “badass storytelling”. To me, THE BEST tv show and hero, by far, are ATLA and Aang. So many people call him selfish for wanting to hold on to “his values” while there’s a war. But it’s actually the bravest thing to do. Not being eaten and destroyed by war or conflict or people trying to destroy you. Aang’s journey (and I’d say, probably the Elric’s brothers journey, from FMAB) is top-notch because they show you how it’s possible to do good, badass, world-changing things WITHOUT getting corrupted by the world, or war. Everything hard in life shapes you, but it doesn’t have to destroy you or change you. It’s also what is so strong about Harry Potter, and what makes The Hunger Games so tragic. I can’t believe we live in a world today, where people would rather see children butchering other human beings, rather than children learning the value of life, or the value of everything that is good about their childhood. I can’t believe we live in a world where people can watch Aang’s journey and call it boring, or call him selfish, for wanting to remain what he feels like is himself with values that make him a human being, able to live with himself, despite war and everything horrible that’s happened to him. I can’t believe we live in a world so disensitized to violence and destruction (whether it’s in fiction or irl), to the point of being okay when it reaches children. I can’t believe we live in a world where fiction puts guns/swords in kids’ hands, has them murdering people, and viewers/readers are just like “!!!! this badass 9 years old butchering people!!!” (in Arya’s case) or “!!!!!! badass 12 years old madi who was once thinking about berries for her hair but loves to kill people now!!! bad-ass!!!!”. You’re allowed to be critical of the works of fiction you consume, you know that, right? You’re allowed to think “hey… that’s not right!” when an author or a director portrays something on screen, you know that, right? I know actual REAL nine years old. Would I ever want them to become like Arya, like Carl? I know 12 years old, would I ever want them to see become like Madi? NO. And even if it’s “just fiction” portraying these children doing these things, I’ll still say it’s WRONG to do so. I mean, yeah it’s easier to just want some badass fighting sequences, it’s easier to want to go the easy way where it’s bing bang boom!, everyone dies and there are badass explosions! It’s not what I want/like when I consume fiction. It’s not the characters I want to cheer for when I watch something. And guess what, shit-anon? I know that precisely because I had a tough childhood. A childhood where I wasn’t allowed to be a child because I had to “grow up” - as you say it so nicely - faster than any other of my friends because I had to deal with stuff. But HEYYY you know everything, right, anon?? Because you are out there, shaming people for not cheering for a child taking people’s lives on a tv show. Good for you, you’ve managed to make me waste like 10 minutes of my time answering to you, now go back crawling to your “anonymous” corner and go harrass someone else- or maybe, idk, if you think children being enrolled in wars is “badass”, go in some foreign countries and go cheer for these kids who are constantly thrown in the middle of conflicts they have nothing to do with? I mean? It’s “badass”, right, childhood being butchered by war and death? Yeh. So badass.

#anyway go fuck yourself #answered #anonymous #tw rape mention #when u go personal i get angry

[rivetgoth]

how do you reckon pavi's character would be different if geneco was less all encompassing? like, if geneco wasnt the de facto government so they couldnt just get away with Murder all of the time

OKAY THIS IS. Honestly such an interesting cool question anon I saw it right before I passed out last night and contemplated it before going to bed and it’s really interesting, can you believe I’ve never really considered an AU where Pavi doesn’t come from a family with the kind of power and influence the Largos canonically have?

Honestly, the optimistic part of me wants to say that if GeneCo and the Largo family didn’t have the power they did Pavi would have had a much better chance of becoming someone decent, or at the very least redeemable. Pavi’s behavior very much mimics “spoiled child who no one has ever said no to,” and he’s very clearly mega aware of the fact that he can get away with basically anything. I do think Pavi is conscious of PR and does the bare minimum to not ruin his reputation forever, but for the most part he knows that the absolute worst that could happen is a news source or two picking up some bad info and Rotti paying them off to release a follow-up article denouncing the accusations lol. Not that I care to compare Pavi to real life abusers because he’s fictional and I love him, but I think you can definitely compare his abuse of power to the five million IRL male celebrities who use their power to take advantage of everyone around them and it’s through their status and fame that it easily gets swept under the rug. Pavi is trapped in this cycle where he’s been mega fucked up via horrible treatment from his one parent and being surrounded by death and murder and stuff, finding only the most unhealthy of outlets to cope with and having no support system in his life to help him find alternatives, and then being told that it’s all okay because he’s rich and famous.

So I wonder, if Pavi didn’t have that, maybe he’d be a significantly better person? Maybe he’d realize he didn’t have the ability to do absolutely anything he wants and he’d have to be more self aware and learn from his mistakes and stuff. Plus, without the media watching everything he does, perhaps some of his self esteem issues would be fixed too. Like, maybe he wouldn’t feel like he has to speak in a fake accent and wear women’s faces and put on an act to cover up every insecurity and flaw he sees in himself. I think Pavi is a naturally very insecure person, not helped at all by the lack of care and affection in his life and having a father who constantly reminds him that he’s not good enough, but if he didn’t have the weight of being the youngest son of the richest and most powerful man on the planet perhaps he could have time to breathe and self reflect and like, go to fucking therapy or something. Basically, while I think a lot of Pavi’s issues stem deeper and are caused by a lot of factors beside his family’s fame and power, I think that his family’s fame and power is probably a huge contributor to his feeling like he can actually get away with everything he does. He might have had a chance at being a somewhat normal person, albeit with a good amount of trauma or otherwise mental health issues to work through that may still impair his functioning and still may lead to questionable activity, but not to the extent that we see in the film. Maybe his harming others would be flipped to something more self-destructive instead, since he can’t get away with hurting or killing or taking advantage of others, he might turn to self harming or drugs or something to deal with his problems.

Of course, a more cynical and evil part of me wants to say it’s more fun to imagine he’d be just as fucked up as before but now without any sort of moral chain because it doesn’t fucking matter. No one is watching him and he doesn’t have anything to gain from looking good to the world or his father. Maybe he’d end up more like Iggy, and just be, like, a reclusive brutal predatory murderer who comes out of hiding to fuck and kill for the thrill of it and doesn’t care at all about anyone. Maybe without the vague moral guidance that comes from needing to put on a decent act in front of the cameras he’d be entirely unrestrained and he’d just become the 21st century’s next serial killer before eventually being caught or killed or whatever. A futuristic Jack the Ripper-esque Pavi is kind of interesting, huh?

#I love this ask TY anon #pavi largo #tagging in case anyone is interested in weighing in honestly #ask #anonymous #soft hooting #pavi asks

[resmarted]

in the summer of 2015 i found you and fell in love or in lust or in lunacy, i mean call it what you want, i fell deep. tonight we are in another timeline though, specifically 2000 and i’m a regular girl with the same parents but they never left jersey. i was gonna be a dude but i know you’re gonna be feelin some type of way if i do, or i Feel like you are. my sister irl has a jersey accent when she gets mad or starts to yell, and she swears it’s yatty but i’m like you wish, you drank the water of tom’s river and heard nothing but those accents for the first three years of your life. that’s your secret identity, like she would make a killer jersey housewife if anyone famous from jersey wants to claim her and put her on tv. i’m not sure where i was going other than to say in real life my parents moved to arizona and then new orleans during the process of the pregnancy with me, which i’m sure either they drove through roswell and all these areas that had chemical explosions and caused a bunch of deformed people ala the hills have eyes. in this realm that never happened, they never moved and i grew up in jersey too, and we go to the same school, obvi. you have long hair and a middle part, and i sit behind you in science class and watch you draw in your notebook, write poetry in the margins, and sometimes you leave it out for me to peer closer because you know i’m looking. you’ve always known. we go back and forth like this for a long time, and i’ll do geeky stuff like play my walkman a little too loud so you can hear my super cool mixtape. people start burning cds around this point in time, but i could never commit to a discman, they were too bulky and even in an alternate dimension i just can’t see myself ever owning one. so i have loud headphones and this strange promenade between us lasts about three semesters until you ask if you can borrow my tape player before lunch. it’s right before summer break and it’s the only thing that keeps me from feeling violent in this world, but i like you so much and i’m so relieved for you to have something of mine just so i can have an excuse to attach myself back to you. when you return it the next day you leave a mixtape of your own in there on purpose and disappear onto the bus before i can be like hey you left something! you expose me to sleater-kinney and bikini kill and other bands i never actually listen to irl but all my friends do so it just Feels like i do also, the point is. i listen to your stupid mixtape over and over and over again. on the bus. in the car. in the park. mostly just in my bed, though. i want to learn who you are through these songs, like somehow that will guide me closer to your soul, when really your number is in the directory i could just call you. so i do. i tell you i like your tape and we talk on the phone for hours that night, and your mom says it’s okay for me to sleep over and my mom is a delinquent who doesn’t even know whether or not i’m in the house, so this is excellent all around. i start sleeping over regularly and we like the same things, the same magazines, the same artists. michél gondry made a new stop animation lego piece and we buy his portfolio dvd for each other during graduation, because duh, we think just alike. so we exchange one of them for chris cunningham’s collection and spend the summer on your mom’s couch in the ac obsessively watching aphex twin and bjork videos, and then something really fucked up happens. college starts and within the first week you have a new boyfriend and a whole new life. i’m working at a retail job i’ve hated since sophomore year, “taking a year off” and “working on my art” but really i’m just spending my days alone without you, not necessarily seething about it, but mostly filling the void with fiction and fantasy and getting high in my room alone a lot. i don’t know how to handle sharing you, so i’m never nice to him and it causes tension between all of us, and if i could just be my own person this wouldn’t be such a big deal but alas, here we are. when you break up, which happens on and off, i’m a little too happy and am ready for you to bitch away about how bad he sucks because i know, right! we laugh drunkenly, teenagers confused and ready to know everything just so we can say we have experienced xyz, and at some point it just happens. i just hold your waist closer and closer and start kissing you. and we make out for hours okay, it’s not like i’m a complete predator like we are the same age and i’m wearing sweatpants in this scenario, chill out. you let me cradle you to sleep that night and from there we turn into magic and mayhem. you tell me you don’t like some of my friends and i tell you i’m so sick of how you talk to me like a dog all the time, and we yell like neighborhood trashbags, getting drunker and louder. oh, this is when we are a little older, by the way. we have managed one of those seaside houses where a zillion kids live in it, basically the shore house and i mean, we are in jersey right now in this specific realm, so why not? we have dramatic talks and cry about how much we love each other at night, and we waste so much time letting our emotions wash out of our bodies like total dorks. we love each other, though. we are basically a lesbian version of sam and ron. i always talk about getting out of jersey one day and you always say you don’t want to, you like it here close to the family. i will go wherever you go, it doesn’t matter to me. i follow you like an obedient puppy and am always begging you to forgive me for the sins that most of the time i am not even aware i’ve committed, and you still let me cradle you at night even when you’re pissed and want to burn all my things in a roaring blaze just to let me know your particular mood with me. you still let me cradle you at night and you don’t pull away, even when my arm has fallen dead over your body in that way that you hate and i’m snoring into your neck, unable to move back into a better position. and i am so thankful that you still take me by your side at night no matter what, because i’m bound to screw up a ton more times and am going to need a lot of nights like this. your body is my haven of redemption and i need it constantly, i need you constantly.