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olivish · 3 years

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Some thoughts about Melanie Cavill and her beautiful mind.

I agree with others that Mel is neurodivergent/ autistic. I think this helps explain her passion and focus, and also why, in S1, she was so adept at “putting on a mask” and pretending to be someone else. Basically, I think she had been masking in some way or another her entire life, so when the time came to create the “Hospitality Melanie” persona, it was already second nature.

I think this also explains why it took Melanie so long to see Wilford for the monster he is, and why he was able to control/ manipulate her for most of her life, despite her superior intelligence. On that note, here are some of my MC HCs (I hope it goes without saying, I don’t mean to imply that anything described below is necessarily an “autistic” trait. This is simply how I imagine Melanie the person, who also happens to have autism.)

1. Before meeting Wilford, Melanie struggled to find her place in the world. She dropped out of high school because she was bored with the lessons and couldn’t be bothered to complete assignments. She had no friends, and most adults wrote her off as a trouble-maker.

Her family was poor, so she “borrowed” things they needed for the farm (some of them rather LARGE things), which earned her a juvenile record for theft.

2. Because of this, Melanie believed she’d never go to college. That was fine, she thought, she wouldn’t fit in there. She didn’t fit in anywhere. The only person who didn’t make her feel like a misfit was her father, John Cavill, who was a patient man who loved farming, and who taught his daughter everything he knew about the trade.

It wasn’t long, however, before John ran out of knowledge to share. Melanie was 8 when her father took her to the local library. “So,” he said. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

From that moment on, John watched his daughter surpass him in every subject, every field of study. It was hard, not because he was prideful, but because it felt like he was losing her. But not completely. At least, not yet.

Because for years after that, Melanie would seek her father out, and she’d talk at length about the topics that interested her, and he listened, enjoying her company, even after he ceased to understand a single word that came out of her mouth.

I mean that literally.

“Certains nématodes posent problème en agriculture parce qu'ils parasites des plantes ou des animaux d'élevage, mais la plupart stimulent la croissance en améliorant le cycle des nutriments.” “Mellie.” “Oui, papa?” “You’re speaking French again.” “Oh. Sorry.”

3. Melanie’s mother was a different story. Shanon Cavill, nee Shanon O’Connell, was stern, intelligent and, due to an undiagnosed mood disorder, emotionally unstable. She’d lose her temper at the drop of a hat, and although she loved her daughter, she didn’t understand her. Shanon didn’t understand why someone so brilliant was throwing her life away. Dropping out of school, getting arrested, fooling around with boys, and girls, who didn’t care about her, and who only got her into trouble.

Shanon said many words in the heat of many moments that she could never take back. Foolish. Reckless. Lazy. Quitter.

The day Joseph Wilford showed up at the farm looking for Melanie, Shanon peered at him through the porch screen door. “Did she steal something from you?” she asked. “Because whatever it is, we can’t pay you back, so you’d best just leave before I let the dogs out.”

Looking back, Wilford deeply regrets not heeding the lady Cavill’s advice.

4. Melanie saw Wilford as her missing piece. Melanie always knew she was “bad with people”. To her, human beings were confounding black boxes. INPUT > [???] > UNEXPECTED RESULT, USUALLY BAD.

But Wilford. Joseph Wilford was a social magician! She watched in awe. Everyone adored him. He’d tell a joke and everyone laughed. Anything they needed for their work - funding, IP rights, permits, materials, labor - he procured through sheer force of charisma.

He was just like her, except he had that one missing piece.

It was the apparent gap in their interpersonal skills that led Melanie to conclude that she could never be a leader like him. That’s why she allowed Wilford to take credit for her work, why she believed him when he said it was better for all involved if she remained a ‘silent partner.’

That’s also why she never tried to run Snowpiercer as herself. Despite having all the skills, Melanie couldn’t imagine anyone would follow her leadership.

(I think she was wrong about that...)

5. It was Wilford who sent Melanie to college, and it was Wilford who coached her on how to “mask.” As a sociopath, nearly all of Wilford’s social interactions are theatre. They have to be. So when he met Melanie, he immediately saw what her problem was - the silly girl wasn’t acting!

So he sat her down one day and gave her a gift. “A chess game?” she said.

“Not a game. This box contains the secret to the universe.”

She smiled, but he was serious. As Wilford set up the pieces he explained, “This is the whole world. Every type of person you’ll ever meet is here. Pawns, knights, bishops. They all have their rules, their own little scripts. The trick is, figure them out, while revealing nothing about yourself.”

She didn’t understand, but in time, she would. Wilford taught her how to survive, but not as herself. He taught her to hide, to blend in, and to trust nobody but him.

And it worked, to a certain extent. Melanie earned degrees from MIT and Yale, graduating with the highest honors, lauded as a prodigy. A recruiter from NASA asked if she’d be interested in applying for the astronaut program. Elon Musk asked the same thing, but he offered more money.

Melanie could have worked anywhere. Done anything. But she went back to Wilford, partly out of loyalty, and partly because she believed he was the only person in the world who truly knew her, and saw her, and valued her for who she was.

They weren’t lovers, but Melanie considered him just as close. For many years, he was her one partner and closest friend.

6. When Melanie got pregnant with Alex, she was afraid she’d be a bad mother. She worried that she wouldn’t have that mysterious ‘maternal instinct’ that seemed to come naturally to other women. She thought maybe she was “broken” in a very particular way and shouldn’t be a parent.

Those worries disappeared once Alex was born. More than that, Melanie’s deep connection with Alex made her consider that maybe she’d underestimated herself. In motherhood, Melanie found courage. She built stronger friendships with Ben & Jinju, and she began to interact with Wilford on a more equal footing.

She started speaking up about things she never dared interfere with before. She didn’t like the company’s environmental practices. Their anti-union stances. Their parental leave policies were atrocious. Wilford was beside himself. He didn’t recognize her. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what happened.

At a loss, Wilford blamed his catch-all word for human behavior that fell outside his bounds of understanding.

“Sentimentality.”

7. When Melanie lost Alex, she lost faith in herself. It wasn’t just the grief, or the guilt, though those were enormous. Melanie understood now: Alex was her missing piece. Alex was the one thing that made Melanie feel like she could do anything.

It cannot be overstated what a colossal blunder it was for Wilford to return Melanie’s superpower to her. He thought he was being clever in saving Alex, but from the moment Melanie blew up Big Alice’s connector and Alex gave her that grudging look of respect, all bets were off.

Melanie remembered who she was. The awakening started with Layton, but it ended with Alex.

Final thoughts: Melanie’s particular neurology has been a hot-button issue in the past, so I’m a little nervous posting this. Please reach out to me with any comments or concerns. Everything here is written with an open heart in good faith, and while I’m allergic to argument, I am addicted to discussion. <3

#Snowpiercer #fanfiction #hc

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tarysande · 3 years

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Hi I’m sure you’ve probably been asked this quite a lot so you can simply add a link to save yourself the trouble if you’ve written about this before, but I’d very much like to become an editor some day but I’m not sure what steps to take to get me there. Could you help explain the best ways to get started in the industry?

Okay, so, um, another Anon asked me a similar question back in ... October. And I started a response, saved it to drafts, and then proceeded to work myself into burnout. So, I’m going to C&P the response I started (and their question), and then flesh it out a bit. (Sorry Anon.)

A couple of posts I wrote about this in 2018:

Here.

And here.

Anonymous asked:

Hi Tara! I was wondering if you had any advice for someone who spent their life reading and writing for fun and wanted to try to get into editing professionally? What would you say is a good starting point career-wise? Are there any particular hurdles to be aware of?

I’ve been quasi-mentoring a friend who’s thinking of transitioning into editing. Like you, she’s a lifetime reader and writer. She has an English degree (maybe combined History/English?). And when she really started digging into what an editor does, she said, “I have learnt that I know a lot less about basic editing than I thought I did.” (Her personal style guide prefers ‘learnt’ over ‘learned’ ;D)

Ironically, even though editing is all about clarity, there’s no one clear path to the profession. The truth is, there’s no official regulatory board of any kind*. Anyone can set out their shingle as an editor**.

* Various editing societies offer certification and/or professional designations that do count for something because they require editors to put their money (and experience) where their mouths are.

** Unfortunately, this means there are a lot of untrained “editors” out there. These people usually undercharge (dragging down the average pay rate industry-wide). Many do subpar work (dragging down the average reputation of editors industry-wide).

Education is important. But what constitutes “education” in this field is a matter of debate—and oh, does it get debated.

Some editors insist you need to have an editing degree (even though most editing-specific programs are fairly young). I can see the appeal. Usually, these programs are short (1–2 years), and you’ll learn a ton in a structured environment with lots of feedback. If you can afford it, this is a great way to go. Many programs offer online options.

It’s not the only way to go.

My path was completely different. Honestly, I fell sideways into editing. Recently, I had to write up a comprehensive explanation of my experience, and much like writing, I started editing so young that it’s hard for me to pinpoint when it began or how I learned (or where the heck my youthful confidence—“Of course I can do this!”—sprang from). I did start an entire school-wide magazine in the fifth grade, though. That was probably it. :D

However, I can say that I’ve spent the last five or six years really concentrating on knowledge, including learning the reasons behind my instincts. I’ve done this by reading a lot of books, participating in some good Facebook groups (even though I hate Facebook), and taking some great courses. (If you’re on Facebook, the Editors’ Association of Earth is an amazing resource. You’ll learn a ton even if you’re just lurking.)

Back in 2017, I applied for a position at Scribendi. It involved a pretty grueling editing test, which I passed. I gained a ton of experience there with a ton of different projects and types of editing. I still pick up work there when the need arises, but I’ve been pretty solidly booked through my own business in the past couple of years. I joined Editors Canada and have a listing in their directory. I was also accepted as a Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders. A lot of professional organizations have Beginner or Student memberships that give you access to training, forums, mentoring, webinars, professional development, etc. They are worth looking into. My Editors Canada membership has paid for itself many, many times over.

I do have a post-secondary degree: A BFA in Theatre, Film, and Creative Writing. I took a lot of Honors level English classes. But editors come from ALL backgrounds. Without the degree, I wouldn’t have been hired at Scribendi. A lot of editorial training does NOT require a post-secondary degree.

This post is already long, but it’s also important to really delve into the kind of editing you want to do. Because there are many types. The word “editing” is a catch-all for many, many different jobs. That’s probably a whole post of its own.

Blogging on my professional site (and I can always cross-post here) is on my to-do list this year, so if you have any burning questions about editing, writing, business, etc. please do send them my way. <3

#asks and answers #on editing #tara talks editing #Anonymous #cauldron-chatter #long text post

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morsking · 4 years

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And so we have concluded Lostbelt 2! Now that I’ve experienced it for myself, I have a much clearer picture about how I feel about this chapter. As I progressed one thing became very clear to me, and that was that Hazuki Minase likely did NOT have any influence with this chapter, and its weakest points can be attributed to its main writer, Hikaru Sakurai, once we more closely scrutinize her work.

For starters, I would like to apologize to the people who kept trying to tell me Minase had nothing to do with the writing of Losbelt 2. You were correct, I simply acted stubbornly because I was terrified that one of the writers I loathe the most had returned to haunt and corrupt the franchise I hold very dear to me. I insisted on blaming him for any flaws because he was an easy scapegoat and a bogeyman, and while we all agree he is a pervert and a hack who should be fired, it is simply not fair to point fingers at imaginary criminals. A person should always be held accountable only for the misdeeds they have actually committed. Indeed, we may now explore Lostbelt 2 and the integrity of its writing with a more objective perspective, or rather as objective as I can manage to be.

The overall theme of the Lostbelt is “acknowledging one’s emotions as a vehicle for personal growth”. The issue persistent in the setting of Lostbelt Scandinavia was that it was a place where only young humans were allowed to survive. These humans would be oblivious to what real growth and prosperity were really like. They were innocent, and emotionally and intellectually stunted groups of people who only knew to live for the truth of their eventual demise. They lived short, rushed lives where they would stay ignorant of basic human experiences, such as love, grudges, aging, vice, hate, competition, and companionship because they devoted themselves to living how Scathach-Skadi ordered them to. They were unable to think or decide what to do for themselves, and were thus incapable of not just taking the reins to decide their own evolution as we do in Proper Human History, but also of fathoming doing such a thing in the first place.

This is a mirror to Ophelia Phamrsolone. Ophelia was conditioned to only listen to others for purpose and direction. Ophelia doesn’t actually know how to listen to her own feelings or even what those feelings even are because she was never allowed to connect not just with herself but with anyone. Ophelia, like Surtr points out, is still very much a little girl terrified by everything around her because she has no balance, no capacity for finding her center as a healthy and normal human being would. Unbeknownst to herself, all her interactions with others are a plea for help. Her very first interaction with Mash in 2017 was asking her if she’d like to have lunch with her and Pepe because Ophelia is terrified by male strangers and wishes to connect with other women as well. Ophelia’s conversations with Kirschtaria are also her not knowing how to proceed with challenges and therefore appealing to authority both for comfort and advice. Finally, her monologues with the Alien Priestess are Ophelia venting about how she feels, as if she were unaware of what to really think of herself as her helplessness and indecision drown her in a lake of self-loathing.

These cries for help extend to the way she summons her Servants. Ophelia is noted to be incredibly proficient at evocation. Some might even call her a genius. In fact, she is such a genius she unknowingly managed to contract not just with one, nor two, but three different Servants all at once. The first Servant to answer her summon was Sigurd, the King of Warriors from Nordic mythology. The second Servant was Surtr the King of Giants and Scourge of Ragnarok (titled by yours truly), who hijacked the summoning and took over Sigurd. The third, and most pivotal, was Napoleon Bonaparte, the French Emperor whose Spirit Origin was modified to embody the “ideal Good Fellow who could make dreams come true” rather than the actual historical Napoleon.

What these three Servants have in common is that Ophelia wished for all of them from the darkest depths of her heart. Ophelia desired capable Servants who could give her some form of direction and stability.

Sigurd, for example, is a hero renown for rescuing Brynhild and giving brand new meaning to her life by showering her with love and devotion. Love and devotion are things that Ophelia not just desires to be shown but actively struggles to adequately express to others because she has never known what it’s like to experience those things. To Ophelia, Sigurd represents “being given that which you have never known and finding fulfillment”.

Surtr, on the other hand, embodies a darker type of direction: the terror stagnation, conformity, monotony, inaction, and eternal suffering. Surtr exercises control over Ophelia by threatening to destroy the world if he is released, prompting Ophelia to flash to her childhood locked away by her abusive parents every dreaded Sunday. Surtr locks Ophelia into a state of helplessness and indecision where she has to carefully consider how she will proceed with dealing with Surtr. Ophelia has decided to lock herself in with him as a way to prevent him from breaking out of both Sigurd’s body and the physical prison inside the Lostbelt’s sun. This is a situation where Ophelia is in a constant state of stress and fear, since as a Crypter the last thing she could ever want to see is the destruction of yet another world by her hands. More personally, the death of the Lostbelt would also mean death for Ophelia, as she has failed her purpose once again and thus would have no worth as a person. However, what Ophelia cannot understand, because Surtr himself does not, is that Surtr’s destructive impulses are how he wants to show love and devotion towards her. Surtr has reasoned that since their worlds abandoned them after they failed to perform their ordained tasks, the only thing left is to annihilate them completely as retribution for their suffering. Surtr does not wish to hurt Ophelia, but because he is a being defined only by his overwhelming desire to burn everything, he cannot help her heal or grow in any way that matters. All he can offer is annihilation. To Ophelia, Surtr represents “self-destruction through a static state of being”.

Finally, there is Napoleon. Napoleon represents a pronounced antithesis to Ophelia’s entire personality. He is an upbeat, improvising, confident man who chooses to not stress over things because what he is seeing is only what lies ahead, not what lies in front of him.He also breaks her defenses by asking something so ridiculous and unexpected as her hand in marriage when they have only just met. Napoleon refuses to give in to any negative outcome regardless of how much the odds are stacked against him, as he demonstrated in Scathach-Skadi’s throne room where he refused to let Sigurd kill his Master despite being restrained by Skadi’s paralyzing rune. He demonstrates this once again when he blows his final shot at Surtr during the final battle, sacrificing his own life to give Chaldea the opportunity to regroup and bombard Surtr to bring him down. He is called the Man of Infinite Possibilities precisely because he faces the unknown head on and finds the best path to walk for his comrades to advance. He does not let fear take over his heart and judgement, he creates a rainbow as a bridge connecting the present to the bright, shining future. He is precisely the hero Ophelia needs, because he embodies “the bravery to grasp your own future and find your own direction”.

But analyzing these characters further is a post for another time. What I want to get into are the gripes I have with this Lostbelt.

Now, I could lead you on through a couple more paragraphs before I wham you with what this all means in a much higher metatextual level, but I don’t have the time nor the creativity to do that so I’m just gonna give it to you straight. This square between Ophelia, Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon is the storyline that matters most in Lostbelt 2. Scathach-Skadi matters little despite her own parallels with Ophelia and being the Lostbelt King, and the situation with the Lostbelt’s inhabitants matters even less. Why?

Because Lostbelt 2 is Sakurai coming full circle and writing an otome game like Fate/Prototype was meant to be before Fate/stay night became a thing.

SHOCKER!! SOUND EFFECTS OF SURPRISE!! DRAMATIC KAZOOS GALORE!!

Now, that’s exaggerating a little. Or maybe not that much, actually.

What Sakurai was doing was applying conventional otome game tropes into the setting not just what she’s familiar writing for, but because Lostbelt 2 is inherently an incredibly self-indulgent project.

There is a classic trademark otome fantasy at play here: the fantasy of multiple men being devoted to a female main character a player can relate to. There is no denying there is a certain appeal to the idea that there are several handsome men all willing to devore their entire lives to a person. Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon all embody certain otome game love interest archetypes. Sigurd is the cold, composed, intellectual man who is actually earnest, just, affectionate, and wise. Surtr is the dark-hearted troubled man with fiery disposition struggling with expressing love. Napoleon is the strong, confident, borderline pixie manic dream boy with almost zero brains but plenty of empathy and... *ahem*, physique to make up for his seeming lack of tact and intelligence (he’s a himbo is what I’m saying but that comes as no surprise). The problems arise with Napoleon himself, however. Napoleon hounds Ophelia with marriage proposals she refuses time and time and again. When he proposes to her in front of Chaldea for the first time, the narrative has Mash take Napoleon’s side and urges you to do the same because Sakurai believed the reader would’ve caught on to what’s actually going on between Ophelia and Napoleon.

The issue here is that Sakurai’s clues up to that point had been far too hidden for the player to make a proper connection, and it’s not until AFTER the proposal that the player discovers Napoleon is predisposed to fall in love with whoever summons him because that’s what Ophelia wanted out of an ideal Servant. Because of the poor execution in presenting all these factors that completely recontextualize the relationship between Napoleon and Ophelia, when Sakurai has Napoleon say “You did not reject me therefore you DID agree,” we jump to the conclusion that Napoleon is engaging in extremely reprehensible behavior and ideology reminiscent of dangerous and abusive men IRL rather than take it as harmless flirtation from a well-meaning oaf of a man as he tries to break the shell of his beloved. Sakurai invokes a very dangerous trope that does more to excuse misogynistic behavior when done incorrectly rather than successfully appear as a romantic gesture of attempting to liberate a loved one from the clutches of isolation and victimhood.

On a larger scale, the application of these tropes is where Lostbelt 2 starts to suffer, and that’s where Sakurai’s writing further begins to resemble Minase’s. Sakurai spent so much time building these interpersonal dynamics that she spent the least amount of effort actually building upon the situation of the Lostbelt and Scathach-Skadi’s character and motivations for keeping the Scandinavia the way it is.

Upon scrutiny, it’s not very difficult to pick apart the setting and make a mark out of the glaring logistical inconsistencies of maintaining a population of only 10,000 humans for a span of 3,000 years by having them reproduce at 15 years old at the latest to execute them at 25. Anyone with a passing understanding of biology would know that forcing children to carry babies to term can lead to terrible health and psychological complications that would certainly end up in a lot more miscarriages, stillbirths, and failed attempts at impregnation than actual successful births. The problem here then is rather evident. Sakurai wanted to use the fact that all these children are young, innocent, naive, gullible, and ignorant to draw a connection to Ophelia’s own psychological and emotional circumstance. However, she realized that because she was writing a setting that obligated her to work around a 3000-year gap between Ragnarok and the present day. She needed something that would compromise the need for a realistic system that would ensure the reproductive viability of a human population through such a long period of time and the thematic vehicle of childhood and repression of growth as a way to connect Ophelia to her environment. This compromise ended up working for the absolute worse because she chose the worst possible system she was aware was the worst possible system she could’ve come up with and therefore decided to forsake that part of the plot without going through the implications of it and leaving the specifics to the reader’s imagination so they could sort it out in her stead.

This unwillingness to properly explore the problematic implications of Scathach-Skadi’s system not only deprived the player of a possible engaging storyline where child endangerment, a common theme in the Nasuverse, is explored and criticized through a different angle, but also actively hurts Scathach-Skadi’s connection to the player because we never get the opportunity to debate with her about her ideology and the state of the Lostbelt. We never hold her accountable for enforcing such a brutally predatory and dehumanizing system that targets children, instead Sakurai opts to build her up as a flawed, self-absorbed mother figure desperately trying to combat the extinction of the remnant of her world who also never really learned how to deal with the revelation there is an entire life she did not get to have in this universe that we MUST sympathize because she occasionally sees through the characters and acts kind towards them until the time comes for us to fight her in earnest as a matter of principle completely divorced from the question of how she’s managed her Lostbelt. The fact Scathach-Skadi’s model of sustainability does not work is made obvious by the fact it takes place in a Lostbelt, what we are trying to get at here is that it does not work from a writing standpoint because of all the different holes you can poke on it before you’ve punched through the paper screen entirely and revealed the superfluousness of it all.

There is nothing inherently bad about self-indulgent storylines. If I’m being honest, if Sakurai wanted to use Ophelia and Musashi as self-inserts to fantasize about romancing the different kinds of characters she finds attractive, more power to her. But the problem surrounding Lostbelt 2, which is the same problem that plagued Septem and Fate/Extella, is a veritable lack of restraint from her part as a professional writer in charge of a multi-billion dollar mobile game. What the writing room over at Type-Moon has to realize is that they are no longer a small doujin writing circle that can get away with whatever they want because they operate under obscurity. They are visible to the entire world and will be held accountable and criticized as professionals by consumers and their peers in the industry. A little bit of self-fulfillment in a published work never hurt anyone, you can cater to yourself most of all with your professional work (I mean, just look at She-Ra), but you must be sure that in your pursuit of indulgence your work does not suffer for it and ends up alienating and disappointing your fanbase and giving them the wrong impression of what you stand for.

Anyway we’re popping the biggest bottles when GudaMoth becomes canon this December.

#fate series #fate grand order #fgo #fate/grand order #fate go #homecooked meta #WOW THIS WAS LONG #for some reason sakurai ends up bringing the best in me even at her worst #IF I MISSED SOME THINGS IT'S WHATEVER IT'S 4:20 AM

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mysticalmusicwhispers · 4 years

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APH College AU: Hong Kong

AU Intro here, AU headcanons are tagged #college au musings.

- Music major. However, he took quite a lot of computer engineering and business classes in high school because China insisted (in classic Asian parent fashion), and he still takes them because he sees them as useful for later life (freelance musician or managing a songwriter or something).

- His reasoning for going into music was that it was a relatively cool and not boring job; he wouldn’t have to always be tied to a computer or an indoor office and had more freedom. I think HK kinda hates getting a job in general because he’s got to Do Very Specific Work and doesn’t have time to do side projects/fool around, but he could deal with being a freelance musician or someone who creates background tracks for other artists, game music, etc. Also chose music to spite Yao, because he was expected to do either business or computer science/engineering (but he’s still pretty thankful for taking a lot of business and engineering classes because he legitimately needs them now)

- Soundcloud artist, and has quite a lot of followers. He does a lot of electronic instrumental mixes (idk how to describe it), but also sings sometimes, with lyrics about taking what you’ve got and running with it, carpe diem, breaking away from norms imposed by elders and parents; a mix of hopeful and rebellious. Never writes love songs, because he thinks it’s rather sappy and would rather express love in other (chill) ways. Doesn’t really write sad songs, but there are occasionally ones about rejection and estrangement.

- Re: soundcloud; he really wants to get in their direct monetization program, but doesn’t want to pay for a pro membership. Complains about it a lot to anyone who’ll listen.

- Memes memes memes memes memes

- Trendy™. He knows all the latest fashions and cool things, often tries to brand himself as the one to go to for fashion advice. He gives good advice most of the time (will tell you if your outfit sucks), but also makes questionable decisions (he stripped in the manga because he said Jackie Chen would do it too). Moral of the story, take some things he says with a grain of salt.

- Internet guy (knows all the hacks). He WILL find a free WiFi network anywhere he goes to avoid paying cellular, and knows way more hotspot passwords than he should via word of mouth and eavesdropping.

- Also, his phone is his lifeline. HK: “What do you mean, you’re taking it away from me?” CHN: “You’re using your phone too much; it’s bad for your eyes!!” HK: “No it isn’t! My eyes are fine; you’re the only one who has contacts in this family!! Give it back Yao!!!”

- Routinely called by other students to fix their computers and stuff, charges 25-75 dollars on average per fix. He is such a stickler with prices and absolutely refuses to go lower than a certain price. When Netherlands comes to him for a repair, they’ll haggle for hours and it’s not fun; Leon will postpone literally anything to keep on bargaining and not give up on his offer/price bar

- Avoids 8 AM classes as much as possible, but has never missed the ones he has to attend

- Learned Cantonese to spite Yao. I think Yao would’ve taught all his siblings (the East Asian squad) Mandarin, but they all picked up another language (or dialect of one) somewhere. Leon learned Cantonese specifically because he was lazy and it uses the same Mandarin characters (traditional vs simplified characters but similar enough) but is pronounced different enough that his brother can’t understand most of what he’s saying.

- Gets really whiney when he’s tired, or when he’s frustrated. Complains a lot.

- When he gets really angry, he becomes really cold. He’ll stop talking as much, but other than that he acts almost the same as usual, and it’s hard for people to pick up that he’s mad. However, everything he says kinda sounds passive aggressive, and he won’t laugh at anything. You have to be the first one to acknowledge something’s wrong, and then he’ll talk.

- Re: anger, it’s really awkward if he won’t talk to you because he’s usually really lighthearted, and seeing him serious is rather unsettling. Plus he can end any conversation when he wants to if he wants to make someone uncomfortable

- Is asked to be the DJ for a lot of college parties. He’s the type of person a lot of people vaguely know about because of just one “thing”, the “thing” being that he’s really good at mixing music and has good taste

- He makes sure everyone who even says hi to him knows about his music and his hobby, so he can get popular. Shouts about his Soundcloud profile (it’s not really bragging, but more like advertising himself)

- Types up all his notes onto his computer, but he uses so much slang that his notes read like weird text messages. His history notes read like a giant reality tv drama, because he tends to put things into modern terms and create his own way of remembering things, if that makes sense.

- Hasn’t touched a pencil in forever; he’s so comfortable in the digital world it’s insane

- Buys luxury brands to show off but is also really cheap, and judges certain products hard because they don’t live up to his very finicky standards (read my last post, it’s my take on his consumerism and is more in depth)

- Rather picky with his food, because he has really high standards. He will complain on and on about a restaurant’s noodle’s being too stale or too salty or something, finds flaws in everything when he wants to.

- B to A range grades, doesn’t stress too much over school. He doesn’t mind missing a couple of assignments (as long as they’re not big projects) and makes up for it with his other work

- Delays stuff until the last minute, but doesn’t panic or anything. It’s basically a habit by now; HK doesn’t mind it because it’s efficient and works for him. He can chill for the evening and then get all his work done between 3-7 am

- His relationship with his professors is okay; they all know his name and that he’s the “music dude” but he’s not too close with any of them; he prefers his friends’ company more. He’d get along with fun or young professors better, since they’re more in touch with “the youth” and he doesn’t see them as boomers

- Average at math, kinda bad at science, it’s just not his thing. He does better in the humanities, although he doesn’t exactly enjoy English and history classes. He’s very good at debating though, so his essays and thesis statements are very strong

- He’s pretty functional on 3 hours of sleep, but loves to sleep in when he can

- Proud of his Asian heritage and shows it!! He sometimes shows up at Asian American Culture Club but isn’t very dedicated, because he thinks some of the meetings are a little cringey

- He’d love to have a last name that isn’t Wang (such as any X starting Chinese surname) because he’d love to watch people struggle to pronounce it and he’d love to correct them (in a polite but simultaneously obnoxious way)

Thanks for reading! sksks these were much more general headcanons that probably could apply to nationverse too, but anyways... Next’ll be Taiwan probably!

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toycarousel · 4 years

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some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time. If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender. Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that. I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender. For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender. Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo. You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!)

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons. But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level. I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought. For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc). And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general. Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist!

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above. These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist. Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to). https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia. Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future. The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was. In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist. Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you. Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it. And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel. So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh). But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!)

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself. There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are. I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you. People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong. You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either. Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are. “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours. No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you.

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

#advice asks #race #gender #dysmorphia #dysphoria #therapy talk tw #dbt resources #gender resources #ask to tag #Anonymous

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lydah · 4 years

Text

hey everyone, I am approaching my tenth year of retail service because i am old, and i have noticed that a lot of my friends and followers are applying for their first jobs (i am so sorry) so i just wanted to share some Retail Survival Knowledge and advice for everyone who is joining the retail side of work (i am so sorry)

This is all just things I had to learn myself, that I wish somebody had told me 10 years ago.

1. Everything you read about interviews doesn’t apply to retail. The first 8 months of trying to get a job were held back by me trying to call back or walk in to ask about the job, giving bullshit answers to questions like “what is your greatest weakness” (EVEN THOUGH being a perfectionist IS my greatest weakness, i was able to repaint it to sound like it by saying “i am such a nervous wreck I can get very upset about trivial things and that’s something I’m working on etc explain explain explain” to make it sound real.)

2. Just bring a resume, even if its shitty. Put anything on there you can, Just 4 months ago I applied for 3 jobs and every single one said the same thing, “you have a resume, you’re already 2 steps ahead of everyone else who’s come in here.”

3. Retail interviewers are looking for warm bodies, not professionals. Most of my coworkers aren’t seasoned retail workers, but just teenagers looking for their first job. Go there, be a human, chatter, have fun, they’re just a human too, often a human who isn’t making much more than you will be.

I know it’s hard, especially if you’re a fellow anxious wreck, but think about it this way. When you walk into that interview, look at it like “i am here to provide you with a service, what can you do for me?” rather than “i need money please please hire me.” This helps a ton with confidence levels, and I think saying things the right way means more than what you say.

The past 3 jobs I applied for, I got job offers on, not because I was treating the interviewer like a saint who may give me a sweet, sweet paycheck that can’t pay my bills, but because I talked to them from one human being to another. Being real in the interview is refreshing. The more I talked to them as an equal peer, the better the interviews were received.

Remember, you ARE providing them with a service. Nobody wants these jobs, they don’t pay well, the retail customer culture has become a literal hellscape with weekly horror stories, and most jobs are understaffed. It’s easy to get a job in retail, because retail NEEDS people. Every hiring manager I’ve talked to has said it, whenever I’ve brought up the problem with understaffing and hours. “Trust me, we are looking, we are campaigning, we stand at the front of the store giving out flyers to find hirees. The problem is nobody wants to work here.”

4. All Retail jobs are the same. From Walmart to Target, from Winco to Kroger, from Petsmart to Best Buy, they all offer basically the same nearly pointless benefits, they all offer basically the same pay, and regardless of anything, they all offer basically the same work experience. Just apply to whatever is close by.

Winco gets so much positive press for being progressive and paying well, but you won’t see those benefits til you’ve been there for a decade, and who wants to stick around for 10 years, especially after the company got bought by Albertsons. Walmart gets a lot of shit for being a bad company when they’re literally doing the same thing everyone else does, but they’re more blatant about it. I worked at one Walmart when I started transitioning and it was possibly my favorite job, while Winco was probably one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in my life, full of OSHA violations and daily cuts and bruises. It’s the workers that make the job, not the company. Remember that.

5. I cannot, stress this one enough, Loyalty doesn’t get you anywhere. If you don’t like your job, look for a new one. The raises you’ll get every 6 months to a year will not give you any difference in your paychecks. Oftentimes, the raises are so low you’ll end up eventually getting paid less than people who are just getting hired on, because the companies minimum wage climbs faster than the 6-10 cent raises you’ll get on a yearly basis. I gave walmart 4 years of my time with impeccable full time work, and by the end I was getting paid 80 cents less than a kid who was just hired and had no work experience. Experience doesn’t matter, seniority doesn’t matter, you’re a number to them, they don’t care.

6. Be friendly with your managers, but don’t forget that managers are not your friends. Anything you say to them can and will be used against you. As a Chronic Oversharer, this is probably one of the hardest things for me. Give them as little information as possible, don’t add them on social networking until after you’ve quit, be careful what you say. Their job is to manipulate. They get friendly so you stick around, so you share information you shouldn’t, and so you keep working hard for them even if they don’t pay you for your work.

7. Ask Questions. Ask So Many Questions. This was something it took me a while to get used to. I was scared of annoying my peers, so instead of doing things right, I took guesses to stay out of everyone’s hair. This isn’t good for you, it’ll make your coworkers hate you because when you make mistakes, we have to fix them. As the Local Retail Know-It-All, I will always love a coworker who doesn’t guess infinitely more than one who tries to keep a low profile by acting like they know what they’re doing. If you ever have a question, Ask It. Ask your coworker, ask your manager, ask the resources on the computer if the company has them posted online, if you’re not sure about something, ask until you’re sure. I’ve never had somebody get annoyed by it.

Asking shows you care, even if you don’t. It provides you with knowledge that will help you with this company, or help you with future companies. Every job I’ve had has had nearly the same premise with slightly different layouts and interfaces. I’ve gotten to the point where any retail store I walk into, I know how to do everything. Getting that knowledge makes you more hireable, which also makes you harder to pin down, because you won’t feel stuck somewhere if you hate it.

8. Finally, the minute that you might have an OUT to get away from retail and into any field you’re EVEN SLIGHTLY interested in, TAKE IT. GET OUT. If somebody says they want to teach you to be a dog trainer, TAKE IT. If somebody says you’d be good in an office because of how fast you type, TAKE IT. If somebody acknowledges that you’re super good with this piece of technology and that you’d be good working for this company that pays 5 dollars more per hour, TAKE IT.

OF COURSE this doesn’t mean you should be gullible, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Be skeptical of people who seem shady, people you don’t know, and weird signs you find on the street. Scammers do exist, don’t put yourself in danger because somebody is offering something unrealistic. But if its a friend, a coworker, anyone who can give you a contact, it is ALWAYS worth looking into. I gave up too many opportunities because of my fruitless and unnecessary comfort and loyalty with where I was. I’ve been offered jobs that were clearly fake, too. Look into things, but don’t be brash about it. Look things up online, follow your gut, but don’t give up opportunities for a company that doesn’t care about you.

I know that looking for work can be scary, and I believe you’ll find something. If you’re not good at interviews, THATS OKAY, there will always be some manager who is so desperate for help theyll hire anyone who walks in. That might be the first job you get, and it might suck, but it’ll give you something to put on your resume. Just keep looking! I believe in you!

Also, I know that this is painting it all with a very negative lense, but don’t be intimidated by it, it gives you a place to start in life, and in this climate, that’s what is important. Retail has helped me a lot with my social skills and anxiety, and has made me a lot of memorable friends, and turned me into the person I am today. 10 years ago I thought I was going to do retail for the rest of my life, but after all of this shit, I have the confidence to pursue greater things.

My point is, don’t sacrifice your health, your safety, and your comfort for a shit job. ITS JUST RETAIL. Its your fellow coworkers who will make the retail life tolerable, it’ll be people like me who will teach you the ropes, and you should listen to them. The Cynical Coworker Who Has Been Doing This Shit Too Long has always been my best friend. You’ll be able to spot them a mile away. Hold onto them while you can, they always leave before you know it.

Good luck to everyone who might find this info useful, remember I believe in you, and I think you’re going to do just fine, it’s not as scary as it seems. Life will take you places, and you’ll get where you want to be, even if it takes you longer than your peers. Just keep moving forward, and know that YOU GOT THIS.

#okay to reblog

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kittyit · 5 years

Text

on lying

introduction

i need to write an essay about compulsive liars. the main reason is because i am a recovered one.

first, let me establish a few things. this essay is about and for female people, my feelings are simple about male compulsive liars - run, and don’t look back. but this isn’t to say the same advice can’t apply to female liars. i will be expressing a sympathetic view towards female liars in this essay because my own feelings toward female liars are partially sympathetic, but certainly not without exception. i just want to be clear that if your life has been fucked up by, or if you’ve been controlled and abused by a liar, you are under no obligation to feel any sympathy towards liars. the same for if it hasn’t been and you just dislike liars for any reason! i know i hold these views for a specific reason and my analysis comes through a specific lens. please don’t think i am excusing the damage liars do by talking about some of the inner workings that result in the lies. there will be a section of how to spot liars that may be helpful if you want to just skip the rest.

so with that groundwork laid, the first complication is that i separate liars into two types of categories. the first is the kind of liar i am recovered from being, the kind i call a compulsive/habitual liar and exaggerator. the second is a sociopath or narcissist. this is tricky because i believe that lying all the time results in a certain loss of empathy for what it means to be lied to. the lack of empathy that would normally separate sociopaths/narcissists from non-sociopaths/narcissists is blurred. there are two categories i name within compulsive/habitual liars & exaggerators, and there is more on this in the section how to spot a liar.

this is a very difficult and intimate essay to write and i hope it helps at least a few women. if you have clarifying questions or want to discuss this further, feel free to message me. what it was like to be a liar

"the liar fears the void." adrienne rich, on lies, secrets and silence (read here)

i’m completely sure of the first time i lied or why, but i think it was this: as a child, i witnessed another child being struck by a car and killed. i believe this witness of traumatic death and the response i got for sharing about it is the root of my lying. i remember being at a children’s church event where the event had been discussed, most likely to ask for prayer for me, and i was cornered by two older boys and grilled about the experience. they wanted to know the details, but above all, they wanted to know if it was cool to see someone die. it hadn’t been, and they weren’t impressed by the details. they recounted for me more gory examples they’d seen on tv and left me sitting on the ground, stunned. there was no big decision from a little girl to stop being vulnerable by telling the truth, but that’s exactly what happened. i had gotten the message that what happened to me was not a good enough story, and i would carry that into adulthood.

i tell this intimate story to present one of the core concepts of my understanding of compulsive/habitual liars & exaggerators: they lie because they believe the truth is not worth telling - “nobody would care about me if i told the truth.”

i started telling exaggerated, gory versions of the story to other kids. the reactions were much more intense. this resulted in intense, conflicting emotions; it was much more satisfying to have a reaction that mirrored the intensity of what i felt, but it was also compounded by the pain of feeling like what i went through wasn’t good enough and the knowledge that i was lying. this is another core concept - liars are unable to feel/receive the genuine empathy/sympathy they are being given because it is being given to a false, constructed personality & a falsified trauma history. this compounds the feeling that “nobody would care about the truth if i told it.” this results in someone who cannot move forward in their trauma healing even with support, even with the appearance of moving forward, because not only are the actual wounds not being addressed, the liar is stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of minimizing their own actual experiences by presenting exaggerated narratives with the same core.

so, with these seeds of becoming a liar planted, i discovered the internet, and that’s where things started to well and truly get out of control. at a very early age i had grasped the basics of catfishing and encountered (although i didn’t realize it then) different online communities that were full of liars. it was like a battlefield of who was having the worst life. i spent a lot of my preteen and teen years on livejournal in toxic communities, trying to keep up with all the lies. i believe this is when lying transformed from a defensive mechanism into both a compulsion and a method of control.

by lying, i could control two things one conscious, one unconscious. it was obvious to me i could control how people thought of me, but i didn’t understand i was also controlling how i thought of my own life and trauma. things had extended well past the root trauma of witnessing vehicular manslaughter and had extended to varied childhood sexual trauma and physical and emotional abuse. the false narratives i threw up around the actual experiences and the reactions they got made me believe “a lie is better than the truth”.

things grew from there and began flavoring my relationships with people i wanted a friendship with in earnest, not just brief or shallow encounters with strangers online. it became more and more compulsive and habitual to lie and exaggerate. i started using the lying to avoid accountability in situations where i’d done something wrong - for example, in fleeing a situation, i left a room a friend had let me stay in for free during a period of homelessness incredibly filthy and damaged, but in the retelling it became that he’d kicked me out because of my “bad mental health” and i became the blameless victim. while there were instances of him being cruel to me about mental health struggles during this time, the fact remained that i did not hold up my end of the deal he offered (cleaning in exchange for staying there) and fucked up his home before running away from the situation. to avoid dealing with the shame of my responsibility, i simply lied it away.

many liars become functionally addicted to avoiding accountability, blame and shame. when the process of rewriting a narrative has already been established, it’s a pretty easy & natural leap from making your trauma seem more “worthwhile” to making your SELF seem more “worthwhile”, all the time while having the internal experience of your experiences and self being seen as utterly worthless without the lies. one pattern that was the most difficult to shake was the habit of exaggerating. i think of exaggerating in this context as the process of intensifying a real experience. i'll share an example i find particularly shameful - i had a pattern of being given upsetting looks or being laughed at in public and, when reporting those incidents, exaggerating them into outright, blatant street harassment, being pointed at, or approached. never mind that i HAD sometimes experienced outright and blatant street harassment, being pointed at, or approached, it needed to be every time something happened for me to feel comfortable reporting how fucked up it made me feel.

the longer you lie, the more distorted your thinking about the truth is. by the time i got around to recovery, i genuinely believed that the things i had gone through were insignificant because of how they looked in comparison to the lies. i also believed no one could love me knowing that i’d lied. i was also totally incapable of trusting anyone else because of my untrustworthiness. i'd also begun lying about insignificant things in a compulsive way. the habit of controlling the narrative had gotten so far out of hand that i was unable to reliably report something as simple as how many pieces of toast i had that morning or what color a cat i saw was. the positioning of lying as safety and telling the truth as vulnerability was completely in control of my life and my ability to communicate with other people.

i did not start recovering from a lifetime of lying until about 4 years ago, about a year into my current relationship, and a year before i joined the gender critical & radical feminist community. how to spot a liar

i said in the introduction that i believe this is an essential discussion in our community of women, and i hold that belief whole-heartedly. within the category of compulsive/habitual liar & exaggerator, i think of there being two more subcategories: controlling liars & passive liars. i think that my names for these categories are not ideal but i'm not sure what else to call them. i know that one category named as "controlling" seems to imply that there is a way you can lie about that is not wrong, hurtful and harmful, but that is not my belief. the difference between the two is how the lies are used.

passive liars lie when asked about or offering stories about their life, whether on a larger scale (life stories) or a day to day basis. they lie in conversation. the control they exert is over the narrative. controlling liars do all the same things, but extend to using the controlled narrative to control other people. i understand that some people consider and categorize lying itself as an inherently abusive act, and i would never deny the trauma that can come from finding out you've been lied to. the difference between a controlling liar and a passive liar is an active process of abuse and control instead of the more "passive" effects of lying that come with all lies.

i am mainly writing this section of the essay to try to raise awareness on the tactics and processes used by controlling liars so that potential victims of them can spot them. controlling liars wreak havoc in communities and many abusers are controlling liars. they are frequent and often skilled utilizers of emotionally controlling a situation, gaslighting, and many forms of manipulation. however, by saying that they're skilled, i don't want to imply that any given controlling liar could successfully con and control any person. controlling liars thrive in communities of traumatized, hurting, loving women. women who have been hurt and believe other women about being hurt are perfect targets for controlling liars. controlling liars are discerning in who they select to groom and eventually control, abuse and target women who are naive, compassionate, and/or generous.

one of the first things a liar (controlling or passive) often does when entering a relationship is testing their possible victim. this generally involves dropping a very intense, painful story of trauma in the lap of the person they're lying to and seeing how they react. i find that many passive liars do this in a much more subtle way, but controlling liars will lead with it. they are looking for big responses, an outpouring of sympathy. if they get it, they will often share several more traumatic events in succession, sometimes slowly increasing the severity or unlikeliness of these events. they are counting on empathy, compassion, and guilt (of doubting a woman's trauma) to keep your skepticism and analytical mind in check. it's very difficult to talk about this part of the process because it is undeniable that many super traumatized women do not have well-made boundaries of where and when and how much it is appropriate to share trauma - just because someone dumps a ton of trauma on you with very little warning doesn't necessarily mean they're a liar. and as i tried to establish in the first section, it also doesn't mean she's not traumatized even if she is lying.

if someone is doing this trauma dump on you and you suspect she's lying or exaggerating, there is no need to tell her that. i recommend strongly against it because of the damage that could to do to a woman who isn't lying. one thing i would suggest for handling this type of situation is setting a boundary within it. controlling liars (and really, any kind of abuser), hate boundaries. saying something like, i really feel for you but i don't want to talk about this right now, or other boundary-setting and then watching her reaction both in the short and long term can be very helpful. controlling liars will often react to boundaries with anger and hurt that lingers throughout the whole relationship, attacking you for setting the boundary (how dare you, you don't know what i've been through, etc.), by threatening suicide or other extreme declarations of worthlessness (i guess i'll just kill myself, nobody can help me, i'm beyond saving) or by guilting you in other ways (i thought you were actually going to care about me but you're just like everyone else, etc.)

controlling liars can be extremely sympathetic and kind at first. if you are mutually talking about your traumas, they will often share very comparable situations to your own. it can feel amazing to meet someone who you feel like understands you so well and has such parallel experiences (meeting someone like this for real is a life-changing experience!). there is often an outpouring of details and information on both sides. this is extremely dangerous for the woman who is talking to the controlling liar. the liar's victim doesn't realize that the authentic connection is one way and that the information they have shared is now a liability.

one very important thing to understand about controlling liars is that they are often very easily able to display emotion that reads as authentic or even IS authentic. as i said in the introduction of this essay, the kind of liars i'm talking about have a traumatic core to their lies. there is genuine pain inside a liar, but i can't stress enough how THIS IS NOT YOUR CONCERN when dealing with any liar, controlling or passive. liars choose to lie, and controlling liars choose to use those lies to control and abuse people. but i point this out because especially in real life, it is very hard to keep up an analytical or critical lens when someone is sobbing in front of you or displaying other distressing behaviors. the presence of genuine emotion does not mean the absence of lies.

controlling liars escalate their behavior within the relationships, beginning to use their false trauma narratives to justify cruel and abusive behavior. of course, people also use TRUE trauma narratives to justify their abusive and cruel behavior, but the unique and flexible nature of being a compulsive liar adds specific control tactics. there are a few red flags for these controlling behaviors. one is if someone's trauma (or illness) constantly one-ups yours. this constant one-upping can be subtle or extreme. many liars (from both categories) like to position themselves as the most hurt/damaged/suffering of all, as this gets them the maximum amount of pity, allows them to feel generous by assuring you that your lesser trauma is "still bad" and/or always having a leg up on you if it comes down to a pissing contests.

when you have upset or hurt a controlling liar or you are trying to confront them about something they've done to hurt you, they will immediately begin constructing a narrative to you in which they are absolved and you are not being properly respectful of their illness/trauma. this is often when the sharing that you've participated in earlier will come into play. controlling liars have no qualms about using the things you've shared against you in a variety of ways. they may express a previous abuser was right about you being an awful person (etc.), compare the details of your trauma and their trauma narrative, and just generally do everything they can to gain control in the situation and get you feeling guilty and apologetic.

another red flag of controlling liars is using new, undisclosed details of their trauma as a control tactic, whether it's derailing a situation to put the focus back on them, generating hype and sympathy if they feel like your interest is waning, or just further testing the limits of your loyalty and what they can make you believe. their stories get bigger and bigger, bit by bit. this is also part of how a controlling liar can slow boil you, starting with more reasonable stories but revealing more and more as time goes on and you're acclimated, so a story that would raise eyebrows if given at first just becomes natural, because you love this person and believe her incredible story of suffering and pain.

the last thing that controlling liars are very prone to is isolating (like most abusers) but also triangulating. triangulating is used for a few different things within the language of psychology (here's a writeup on its use in trauma informed therapy and two about its use in discussing narcissistic abuse) so i'm just going to explain what i am specifically using it for here. triangulating is a manipulation process used by controlling liars (and many other kinds of abusers) in which 3 people are involved. sometimes the controlling liar goes back and forth between two people, telling each that the other is mistreating the liar. this way they gain double sympathy and always have one of the people to fall back on if the other one gets out of the cycle. this can be used as a grooming tactic from leaping from one relationship to the next - a controlling liar says they are being abused and positions the person they're grooming as a savior, making it possible to begin abusing the savior as soon as the time/sympathy/support in their current relationship has run out.

i cannot emphasize enough that controlling liars prey on loving, compassionate, traumatized women. it's so horrible to me that having a kind and believing heart can be such a liability in a group full of women who are hurting and isolated by patriarchy, but i have watched controlling liars burn down the lives around them several times within this community, and countless times in other close-knit communities i've been in. once a controlling liar has you, it is incredibly difficult to extricate yourself from the situation, so i'm hoping this guide provides a framework for staying thoughtful and critical even in very emotionally intense situations with other women who are sick and/or hurting.

for more information on big name controlling liars, i would highly suggest these two documentaries: The Woman Who Wasn’t There and TalhotBlond. it's hard to find examples of controlling liars because the lines between them and sociopaths/narcissists are blurred. i think all sociopaths/narcissists are controlling liars, but i don't know if all controlling liars are sociopaths/narcissists, even if their actions are sociopath and/or narcissistic. i think that maybe the distinction isn't all that meaningful except within the context of addressing compulsive lying as a whole. how to stop being a liar

while the last section was addressing the tactics and details of dealing with controlling liars, this section is addressing passive liars directly. it is a very good sign if you read this far that you can, and should, stop lying. here are some of the steps i took.

the very, very first thing i had to do was face the harm of lying, both the harm to myself but especially the harm to other people. for a long time i didn’t really think about my lying and exaggerating that much. i just did it. i felt permanently, inescapably alone. no one except another liar knows how alone you are with your lies, and i’m telling you, i know. i was in a prison completely of my own making telling people who genuinely cared about me a bunch of fake shit to selfishly try to protect myself. it is selfish to burden people with false stories. it turns something that can be intimate, healing, and beautiful into a farce. on the side of it being harmful to myself, there was a reason i felt alone - because i was. if nobody knows the real you and what you've actually been through, the real you is incapable of accepting love, understanding your own experiences, and ultimately moving forward in the long, hard process of healing trauma.

it comforted me that i wasn't a controlling liar, and for a long time i'd felt superior about not using my lies to control people in the ways i've described above. this was a bullshit thing to feel superior about. facing that my lies still had the ability to control and hurt was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life. i was lucky enough to have a loving, supportive partner and supportive and understanding friends. once i'd told the people i was closest with that i was a liar and had misrepresented a lot of things from my past, the processing of stopping lying and untangling lies from truth began.

one thing i didn't expect to deal with was a surprising amount of confusion about what was false and what was fact. the combination of lying from an extremely early age with the distorted, cracked, and gapped memories of a traumatized child and young adult who often abused drugs that affected memories meant that this process was painstaking and confusing. the shame was intense - to admit the reality of situations in which i'd lied about to disguise the actions i'd taken and the blame i'd shared was so difficult. to be vulnerable about the things that had actually happened to me instead of the narratives i'd hidden them behind was terrifying on a level i can't describe. the worst was realizing some things i'd told myself were lies weren't lies at all.

i feel frustrated because writing these few short lines can't tell you, my fellow liar, what it would be like if you decided to confess you're a liar and try to stop lying today, right now. it feels fucked up. you will have to face not only the breaking down of the internal walls that have kept your secrets safe for all these years but also the reality that you are not a trustworthy person and that people may not respond to you as a trustworthy person after you tell them that you're a liar. when i was lying, i was found to be extremely trustworthy, and giving that up hurt so badly, but i'm both pleading with you and challenging you to do it.

i can't describe to you how incredible it feels to tell the truth. the truth will genuinely set you free. knowing that what you're saying is true and that you fought hard to say it is one of the most fulfilling feelings i know of. working hard to speak and act with integrity and regaining trust from some people feels amazing too. i have made more progress in these few years that i've been recovering from compulsive lying than i did during the rest of my life. i have friendships in which i've never lied now. there are people who only know true things about me. when i feel the compulsion to lie, i've gotten to a point where 99% of the time i can simply say, "i feel like lying about this but, (telling the truth)." when i do tell a lie, i try to admit to it as quickly as possible, within the day, and apologize and explain why, and 99% of these lies are strange, inconsequential lies that might be categorized as "harmless" by some people. i don't know if i can categorize them as harmless, because of what they mean for the way i've acted in my own life.

it's hard to tell you how to stop lying in a list of steps or bullet points but i'll try to sum it up

- face the harm you've done and decide that it matters - tell the people you've lied to that you've done so - understand and accept that people may be angry with you, not want to speak to you, or hate you - do the internal work of facing the truths behind your lies - take responsibility for the things you're responsible for - call yourself out when you want to lie - stop lying & start telling the truth

if you didn't read that adrienne rich essay before, read it now. i was lucky enough to be recommended it pretty early on in my radical feminist journey. i'll leave you with this excerpt

"Truthfulness, honor, is not something which springs ablaze of itself; it has to be created between people.

The possibilities that exist between two people, or among a group of people, are a kind of alchemy. They are the most interesting thing in life. The liar is someone who keeps losing sight of these possibilities... The possibility of life between us."

the indescribable joys of genuine connection, integrity, and honesty await you. thanks for reading.

#compulsive lying #radfem #abuse

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bigthighsandstupidguys · 5 years

Text

Hunger

A Greta Van Fleet Fic: Momma Kiszka enlist the help of a young professional to keep her boys healthy on the next leg of their world tour. The recent college grad is excited, but has she bitten off more than she can chew?

Chapter One

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 1784

You had just put your phone down when you saw the new email notification blink. The screen lit up with the email of your college advisor. That was unexpected. You had graduated almost two months ago, what could Debbie be reaching out about? You quickly unlocked your phone to open the email. After a quick greeting and well wishes on a post grad life Debbie began to describe a new position that would fit perfectly with your degree in nutritional sciences and your love of traveling. The employer was a childhood friend of Debbie’s, Karen, who was looking for a nutritionist with the ability to travel and keep odd hours. Karen wanted the nutritionist to be personally recommended by Debbie.

“I immediately thought of you for the position, Y\N,” read the email, “You were top of your class and had glowing evaluations from all of your internships during undergrad. Plus, I know you were hoping to do some traveling in the years following graduation. I think this would a stellar opportunity. I know Karen’s family, they are good people. Please let me know if you are interested and I’ll go ahead and recommend you to Karen and put you two in contact.”

The email ended with more well wishes. You mulled it over for a bit. From what you understood, Karen had some young sons who would need help with staying healthy while away from home during constant travel. It wasn’t a very detailed description, but your curiosity was piqued.

You currently didn’t have a solid plan for the future. Your paid internship at a local fitness club was about to end in two weeks along with the lease on your apartment. The club had let you know that even though they loved your work, they unfortunately didn’t have the funds to add you as a full-time employee. The most sensible thing to do would be to move back home with your parents at the end of the month and start applying around for a new job. The prospect of moving back to your hometown two hours from the city was not ideal. But the city was expensive and with no steady income lined up, your choice was pretty much made. But this email provided an alluring option.

You quickly replied to Debbie expressing your interest in the job. You wanted to explore the option before you. You had already surrendered to returning to your old room, but now out of the blue an exciting opportunity fell into your lap. Fate? Maybe.

You were nervous on the Uber ride over to Karen’s home office. A week ago, Debbie had put you and Karen in contact for what seemed like a promising job opportunity. The first phone call came two days later and was easy enough to get through because Karen had been very kind and asked questions about your experience, your rates, and willingness to make last minute changes in schedules. It was a pleasant and relatively short call. You didn’t get to ask any more questions about the position, but you figured it was mostly an opportunity for Karen to get a feel for you. You felt pretty confident and hoped she’d consider you.

Two days after that you got a phone call from Karen, she was really interested in you for the position, but wanted to clear up a few details before making an offer.

“My kids, they’re technically not kids anymore and one of them is a family friend. The youngest is 19, one is 20 and the other two are 22. They’re basically your age,” Karen spoke into the phone. “Which I’m weighing right now as a pro and a con. The pro is that your young and can keep up with them and you can relate to them, the similarity in age makes you more approachable, I think. However, the con, I’m afraid they won’t respect your expert advice, with you being so young. I’d like to think my boys would act accordingly and follow through with your professional recommendations. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because you look great on paper and Debbie can’t exalt your skills enough.”

“Wow, I’m flatered, thank you, Karen.” You beamed on the other side of the phone.

“Now, the other thing. The boys are part of a band called Greta Van Fleet, I’m not sure if your familiar with it?”

Holy fucking shit. Holy crap. Was this real life? Hell yeah I knew who they were! Local Michigan legends, they had just won a freakin Grammy!

“Errm, i—am, I do know. I know who they are, who the band is.” Holy shit you were starstruck through the damn phone. This was probably the final test and you were failing it with your stunned blubbering. It clicked together at that moment—the job required constant travel with four “kids”—you were going to tour with Greta Van Fleet as their nutritionist. Well if you could secure the job that is.

Karen gave a knowing chuckle. “I knew it was highly likely that you would know them. I kept the details under wraps while I filtered out candidates. Essentially, you would be working for me “being the mom,” if you will, while they are out touring. I can’t be there with them, but I want someone there to make sure they’re eating right, sleeping and all that. They came home a mess from their last tour, especially Josh,” you could hear the worry in her voice, “and I just can’t stay home in peace knowing they are risking their health like that.”

“I understand. I understand your concern as a mother. It would be an incredible honor to be trusted with your boys’ health while they go rock out in the world.”

Another chuckle. “I want to offer you the position, Y\N. If you accept, I’d like to meet you in person to read through the contract.”

“I do, I accept! When would you want to meet?”

That had been a few days ago and now you were on your way to read and sign the contract with Karen. Holy shit. You were going on tour with Josh, Jake, Sam, and Danny. Definitely better than moving back home!

The car came to a stop in front of a lovely suburban home. You made your way to the door and rang the doorbell. The door opened suddenly, “Y/N! Welcome, I’m so glad to finally meet you in person.” Karen waved you in and took your hand to shake it. “Please follow me.” You were in the Kiszka’s childhood home, oh my GOD!

You followed her through a living room full of family pictures. You tried not to stare because you wanted to seem as professional as possible. But dammit you were going on tour with rock stars! Karen closed the door to her office and asked you to sit opposite from her at her desk.

“I think you are going to be a great addition to the tour troupe. I know I’ll feel better knowing your there. I want you to read the contract and let me know if you have any questions.” She bit her bottom lip as she slid the document across to you. It reminded you of Josh and you smiled. You took the papers in your hands and began to read. It was all pretty standard. Ethical practice stuff, non-disclosure clause so I wouldn’t go blabbing to TMZ or something. But then, there was a special clause. Your cheeks began to burn and you wished Karen wasn’t watching you as you read. Basically, it prohibited you from forming romantic relationships with any of the band members…which was basically covered by the ethical portion—you wouldn’t do that with any client, it was a conflict of interests. But this went further to detail that absolutely no sexual contact must happen between anyone in the band and me or it would result in immediate termination of my contract. Holy god this was beyond embarrassing. This kind of stuff usually went without saying, I wouldn’t do that! Why did Karen make this so explicit? Momma bear instinct?

You placed the papers on the desk. “I agree to the terms stated.” You tried your best to keep your voice steady and your face open and relaxed.

Karen stared into your eyes for an extra beat. “I know it isn’t typical to be so…detailed about some aspects. I won’t bullshit with you, I know what kinds of experiences come with the “Rockstar lifestyle”. You seem like a professional and responsible young lady, but I want to make sure you, or anyone that we work with, don’t try and take advantage of the privileged position in the boys’ lives. I hope you don’t take that personally.”

Your first reaction was hurt. It hurt to be considered a type of vulture that would try and get something out of the situation. But then you realized it must be so hard to find people with genuine intentions when money, power, and fame are on the line.

You nodded, “I understand. I hope to carry out my duties in a professional and respectful way. This is an incredible opportunity and I feel very grateful that you trust me. I don’t want that to ever be tarnished.” You really meant it.

“It’s reassuring to hear you say that, Y/N. The boys should be getting here soon, you all need to meet now. I’m also going to be telling them about your role in the crew for the first time. I hope that goes over well.”

Your face dropped. Did she mean that the guys didn’t know about having a personal nutritionist for their upcoming tour? You began to worry. “Karen, do the guys not know about me? Like about this position?” You tried to keep the concern out of your voice, but your wide eyes betrayed you.

Karen looked guilty and her face sank. “I have not told them yet that a professional will be joining the crew, no. I don’t want them brushing it off as me being overprotective. I’m hoping if I present you as a signed on done deal, they wont protest. I realize it puts you in a bit of an uncomfortable position. But I’m certain I’m just overthinking it. I think, yes.” She finished saying the last part more to herself than you.

Fuck. You hoped all the boys would be on board and not hate you for essentially being their mom’s stand in. You had been nervous about meeting the band before. But now, you were downright panicked. You mentally crossed your fingers as you sat and waited.

#greta van fleet #reader fic #josh kiszka #sam kiskza #jake kiszka #danny wagner #hunger

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