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wherethehellisderrymaine · 2 years

Text

September Wrap Up

Books

vinculeando The OutsiderMusic my bod dysmorphic disorder music: catriel 5so5 jessie reyez silvestre y la naranja enhpyen noah cyrus black pink two sugars - tai verdes

Events:

01: sleepy and sick with a cold making croissants long day ahead - 9 hours of classes

bough lcho’s therm. not the color i wanted but it’s never on stock, damn it. 02: no classes bc of cristina’s muderder attempt - went to lucho’s when he left work - he talked to me about what i’ve done, he was so patient and adorable and sensible and sensitive; i know i messed up by reading something that was not meant for me and for not telling him about but I know I won’t do shit likethat againg and I’ll keep on working on letting myself be vulnerable. -- watched jolly’s videos together

03: made coffee, watched the qualy, had sex (god i love him) - had lunch together watching fargo, it’s amazing. - went to parque san martin and to little ofelia with cata and lari. it was tense bc i haven’t been a good friend AT ALL lately, but they love me and i loved them and I WILL get better at it.

had plans with lucho but i went back late to the baticueva, so we stayed and ordered food from asian ghetto. he was cleanning the banjo, i love watching him do things he loves - i sensed him a little tense or nervous but he said he was fine. after dinner he used the toys on me and he even tied me up to the bed... this man’s gonna be the death of me, i cannot love him more because that it literally impossible.

04: shower together, rushed bike ride to home with lucho to watch the race - 3rd place -. lovely ride back to the baticueva, finished fargo (LOVED IT), blow job (i live for that, i fucking love his moans and that he bites himself, i’m fucked up), made a pascualina together, watch the rings of power and feel asleep in the sofa.

05: bloated, feel ugly. neck hurts. tired sad day at work, juli cried bc of other kids being mean for no reason. i wanna kill them anxious, feel ugly, doubt myself,

06: had nightmares of lucho dating another woman and being happier with her than with me, uncertainty is scary sex books - i gotta get better at it feel ugly and anxious -- bad body dysmorphia -- had a lovely dinner with lucho, watched rick and morty, ate ice cream -- FEAR FOOD that triggers my worst thoughts, i’ve been working on it but it’s still something hard for me. lucho was patient and talked to me, which again is hard for me to do because i am ashamed of being like this.

07: tired -- ugly

08: really bad body dysmorphia day - anxious and cried - i feel nauseous - i weighted myself and I’ve gained weight. I hate that and I’m terrified of falling back into my old ED patterns

09: still feel bad. a little less anxious but i couldn’t sleep, i feel ugly AF. cancelled valeria’s session bc i can’t stop crying and it would be pointless i’m not breathing properly bc of the anxiety - i feel sad and my head hurts.

i took photos of myself and i don’t believe what i see. that’s my mental illness.

10: qualy at el grosellar with mum and dad -- rough night bc of anxiety and slight depression, and nightmares. -- woke up feeling a little better

better body image but tummy aches

luch with cati and lari at mitre’s park -- it was lovely -- we planned Ori’s birthday.

went to lucho’s - said hi to angie that was just leaving -- lucho was really affectionte which made me feel much better bc i needed him and his love -- we were about to leave to Pampa’s beer party but we had sex, which i also needed.

then we went to the party. i had lots of fun and beer but at the end of the night i felt sad bc i missed Foni and I couldn’t stop crying. Lucho and his friends supported me, made me feel comfortable and calmed me down. i adore them

11: tired, slept bad -- went home with lucho to watch monza’s race - leclerc ended up in second place, not bad

lucho made lunch, it was delicious. tender meat and creamy potatoes -- i made cinnamon rolls

went back to the baticueva, gave him his stanley’s therm and i think he liked it - took a nap bc we were both really tired -- hand job, i live to touch him, it’s my favorite thing

made terrarios - i loved that -- listenes to music -- he made empanadas and we watched how i met your mother, jolly and teloresumo’s videos. -- tried milka oreo’s alfajor

went to bed bc we were both feeling sick and my headache didn’t ease on me.

12: bloated and tummy aches. feel ugly but not boderline bipolar anymore. i still have that weird headache

tired, had nightmares and slept bad bc of coughing

13: akward, pain, lucho’s house, payday, plazo fijo, clases en la casa de lucho

14: PERIOD...makes sense just fucked up - better body image but still obsesing over it - lucho made me ramen, i loved it and i love him, we finished naruto, had s3x, it was great but i felt like i didn’t do it as good as i could have -- too self concious

15: better body image but really bad headache, ginecologa -everythign was ok- cleaned lcho’s house - lots of classes - tired and headache at night

16: same as yesterday, feel like crap - had therapy, talked about my mental disorders and how much i am body checking and counting calories... it scares me to admit that i am falling back into that and how good i feel when i think i’m skinnier. i’m the worst and i hate myself. -- lucho went to the nutricionist and i reacted badly, topics like weight gaining and losing trigger me so much, even more when the person talking about is already skinny. i know he is doing that to be healthier and feel more confident and be happier, which i totally support; it’s just i don’t know how to talk about it. i’ll have a talk with him to explain why i’m such a bitch.

---- i need to stop talking this bad to myself. valeria will kill me.

---i’m anxious about tonight :( and i’m ashamed of it

--- it wasn’t that bad but i was too into my own dark thoughts and I couldn’t enjoy the time. my head hurt and the music was super loud. i tried to focus on his cousins and on him bc they are great and funny but i was feeling like shit when we came back home, we talked about it and i felt a little better but i stil hated myself

17: my head still hurt - felt kinda tired mum and dad brough ori’s cake had lunch with lucho and watched how i met your mother -- had a long nap of 2 hours, i really needed it had sex again had sex, felt better. i need that when i feel ugly bc he makes me feel beautiful and wanted.

before taking a shower together and going to ori’s brithday party at my nonna’s apartment we had fun, lucho bought 2 wines and they were delicious, the girls met by gorgeous, it was important for me bc i love them all and wanted them to meet for a long time -- had pizzas, nachos, talked a lot, listened to music... it was great we went back home, watched how i met your mother and drank some water

18: slept in till late - we needed it had sex - loved it -- it get better and better and i don’t get it. i adore him went to the park for a walk and to do the groseries for dinner cleaned the frige - made lunch and watched ELVIS -- super sad but i liked it made eggplants and listened to music Ro and Angi came over for dinner. i really like them, they are fun and easy going. we made pizzas, drank beer, and talked a lot -- i love seeing my gorgeous with people he loves. i just want him to be happy we watched how i met your mother bc rick and morty’s wasn’t available still, and ate cake.

storm

21: spring day - lovely day at work with the kids and adults. celebrated 3 years of the baticueva at lucho’s - lovely night, had lots of fun and then talked with lucho. i love our chats

22: student’s day at cem -the kids loved the cake i made for them, and played games with me, i adore them

24: went to sierras’s with lucho. the day was amazing and I met his father. I felt good but nervous bc i didn’t want to make him feel inconfortable. then jime and santi came and we all had dinner together. collected paltas and moved the glasses for their remodeling project

25: bbq at el grosellar. lucho made it, he worked really hard the entire weekend but i think he had fun and that he liked going there. IAN hurracain in cuba and miami - strong winds where Foni’s at but they are out of danger.

28: lari’s birthday went to authorize the xray order - got the appointment for it visited lucho at work - i love visiting him bought wines for the party felt tired and had a headache - losing my voice the kids from first children liked the class went to lari’s house, had dinner, some wine and went back to lucho’s. he was playing videogames. i laid with him and then we went to bed and had s3x - i fucking love EVERYTHING about this man. i cannot stand how much i adore him

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