#Despite Raph being more violent canonically

[captainsweet]

My Twin is fr like a More Violent Casey Jones and I didn't even think that was possible until I actually listened to what they said for once.

Dude breaks a leg every other day and is super violent yet dies as soon as a roach is in the room, L on his part.

Anyway Wish him and the Other One Happy Birthday rn because they won't get it and it'll be super funny.

#No I am not joking #They WOULD become a Vigilante if they could #And if they would live #And there was crime #All in all they would totally do it and I think he would actually handle his own #People didn't get sent to the Hospital for nothing #Casey Jones #Wish him a Happy Birthday #Today is both of their birthdays so do it #This is in fact a threat #birthday #Happy Birthday #I find it real funny I'M the Raph in this situation #Despite Raph being more violent canonically #I think #The Other One is the Michelangelo #So please drone on about their coolness and how amazing the are at Chess #It doesn't have to make sesnse just do it #This is not an option #tmnt #Michelangelo

[lactoseintolerentswag]

Rise Characterizations Pt. 3!!!

Now that Leo and Raph are done, it's Donnie's turn for character analysis as a writing reference. So without further ado,

Donnie Character Notes

Language Habits:

Straight up talks like a redditor who hasn't touched enough grass (affectionate)

Oscillates between very scientific paper polished, sometimes adding a dazzle of shakespearean for dramatics, or abbreviations/a shorter version of a word with a more fun connotation (i.e. "brekkie" instead of breakfast)

Uses food as surprised exclamations or curses, "oh my peaches and cream", "banana pancakes!"

Emphasizes each syllable of a long word when he's excited or trying to make a point. Conquered becomes con-qu-ered

Either exaggerates his speech or speaks in deadpan

The science terms he uses as battle cries aren't chosen at random, but rather are related to the action/subject at hand, i.e. yelling "fibonacci" when throwing his spinning tech-bo

Will overly describe an item or a situation, and often gets caught up in these observations before processing what just happened

Will repeatedly yell "help!" when he's distressed and/or outnumbered

Refers to Mikey as "Michael"

Refers to his brothers as "brethren" or "gentlemen"

Refers to splinter as either "father", "papa", or "dad" depending on the weight of the situation

Refers to his tech as his "babies"

Answers the phone with, "You're conversing with Donatello"

Uses "gesundheit" instead of bless you

Personality:

The fixer, he supplies the family with tech and resources. He always has a trinket made for the situation at hand and/or offers his knowledge/data collected. He's always prepared to help. Even with outside resources, he likes to feel useful in solving their problems (i.e., building Todd that dog park)

The theater kid, in a similar vein to leo, Donnie has his own style of dramatics. He often uses shakespeare-like language, is mentioned to regularly recite the jupiter jim musical soundtrack, and has a music mode for his battle shell. He belongs on a stage, or at least thinks he does

Not good at lying, despite the glamour he can put on in the spotlight. This may be due to the side of himself that over explains his thoughts

An over-thinker, who really tends to over-complicate things. His first theory or idea will always be the most extreme buck-wild concept. After some filtering, he still word vomits

A dreamer/big idea guy. He does have big ideas and goals. A lot of these he's able to put into place, although some go a little haywire (see Albearto). He doesn't do things in halves, and puts everything into a project

Meticulous, someone who's very detail oriented. As mentioned before he tends to over-complicates things. This may be impacted by his love for data and collecting information (he does record Everything for a reason)

Always on the edge of violence, which is surprising. Donnie's not known as being the angry archetype of tmnt, but he can get a little violent in his fighting style and does often cite his desire to use lethal force

Low empathy, which is mainly due to his issues processing and recognizing emotions. He's been pegged as unemotional, but in canon he's rather emotional and expressionate, just lacking the skills to process such emotion (he's just like me fr)

Praise motivated, as seen with his interactions with Splinter. Also desires the praise of his brothers, who he doesn't feel understand him with all the teasing that's sent towards his direction. This also pushes him to seek validation and acceptance in other groups (i.e. the purple dragons), to feel a sense of security or belonging

Ignores his own mistakes, and will often pretend like they didn't exist or ever happen. This most likely has to do with his desire for praise, so he feels bad when he fails. If he never made a mistake, he never has to feel bad

Miscellaneous:

Fourth to unlock mystic powers

Uses "Bootyyyshaker9000" as most of his usernames and passwords, with his alt. username being "Alpha-Bootyyyshaker9000"

Has a fear of bees, spiders, and of course beach balls

Breaks the fourth wall the most

Loves the smell of pineapple, hates the texture

Has a hobby of rooting around in the junkyard and dumpster diving

Uses cheat codes in video games

Mikey's next of course :)

#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt donatello #character analysis #long post #fanfic #writing #critter talks

[cupcakeslushie]

Hey!! So my asks don't seem to be sending so I hope this one does

I am obsessed with you AU!! I have so many ideas

At one point you mentioned that Three/Donnie can't lie and is usually brutally blunt. But can he DECIEVE? I can imagine him at the beginning of his arrival trying tricking April to go with him to the lab (probably to disect her or such, stupid humans) with a facade that he's fine with humans and just wants to play, and were it not for Raph warning her beforehand about Donnie's hate for humans she would've bought it. Could this happen or am I reading too much into it?

Sorry guys, I’m so behind on asks so I’ll be doing a bunch in batches tonight!

Pretty much none of them are good at lying. Leo can ACT if it’s for a mission and fib about small things but hates lying in general. Raph can stammer his way through a poor excuse to Splinter’s face, and when it comes to flat out keeping secrets Mikey is just horrible….BUT Mikey is more the type to be the little devious emotional manipulator, just from learning from Big Mama how to work people. Thankfully he uses this particular talent to be helpful (for the most part—sometimes he uses it to get the last slice of pizza and claims little brother rights).

Now for Donnie, it just doesn’t even occur to him to do anything but tell it like it is. Also he doesn’t have much interest in April apart from getting into petty arguments—he mostly ignores her until they find enough common ground that they can carry on a convo without devolving into children. He will always ask if he wants to test something out on his brothers. This is one of the bigger differences between him and canon—Sometimes though, he will think that something is mild, but then judging by their horrified expressions he supposes it’s just one of those times where his baseline for what’s normal is effed up. His biggest issue is testing things on HIMSELF without a care to thinking it through. To be honest the idea of testing things on his brothers or even April, without their permission makes him pretty nauseous, despite one side of his brain telling him that it won’t do any harm just to try, and the other screaming that he doesn’t want to be anything like Draxum.

I’ll reveal more soon, about how Draxum has actually cut a deal with Big Mama. They’re both okay biding their time, so Draxum isn’t in too much of a rush to collect Mikey. In Draxum’s mind, the Battle Nexus is the perfect place for him to evolve his skills. Now that doesn’t mean he’s completely happy with leaving Four in Big Mama’s hands, so Draxum creates a way to remain informed, and Big Mama is fine to take him up on it—just another variable she’s hoping to eventually manipulate in her favor…

This doesn’t stop Draxum from hanging the threat of collecting Mikey over Three’s head if he doesn’t behave.

BUT if we’re talking hypotheticals and if he did end up collecting Mikey, I think Donnie would become the ultimate overprotective brother. Any time Draxum would need a test subject, Donnie would offer himself up, no more fighting, no more trying to get out of it—not if it meant Mikey would be spared. Meanwhile I think Mikey would be plotting their escape and would eventually manage to convince Donnie that running away and living on the streets would be better for them.

He does still love to dance and bounce around, especially while working in his lab with the music loud enough to make Draxum’s ears bleed—which I suppose would mean his password would still be the same!

@yesnervousdreamcollection Oh like you would believe! *Slaps the top of Donnie’s head* This turtle can fit so many personal space issues inside him! He’s very clingy and can lean in much too close when talking to someone, but as long as he’s the one doing it he’s fine. Hugging is one of the many ways he works through being overstimulated. But if he doesn’t see it coming or it happens without any type of warning he can panic or get violent, as it reminds him of how Draxum would use his vines to grab Donnie and haul him around or shove him away.

Splinter never told Mikey or Leo as they were pretty young, but when Raph turned 13–on the anniversary of their mutation day, Splinter tells Raph the full story behind their mutation, and he sadly recalls how he failed to save another turtle during their escape. It makes for a pretty somber mutation day, but from then on Raph will sometimes add a third figure when he’s imagining playing with his other two brothers, and when he’s a bit older and April gets him a book on turtles from the library, he pauses on the page about soft-shell turtles and reads some of the facts just to have that bit of knowledge tucked away.

The topic is only ever mentioned again in passing, during one of Splinter’s tentative talks with Leo and well…

Three is fluent in Yokai, Turtle (chirps and clicks and hisses, because I absolutely love this trope in fics), and will eventually learn ASL (from Leo).

Leo knows Japanese, ASL, enough Chinese to get by, and Spanish

Raph knows a bit of Japanese that Splinter taught him, and some French from April.

Mikey also knows Yokai, and is a master at reading body language.

Trying to keep things a little vague and not to spoil too much but Draxum does notice when Three disappears. He’s not happy that he’s gone, but is more pissed that all his test subjects have found their way to Lou Jitsu and are now actively working against him as a team.

I think tea is one of the very few things that Splinter has managed to find from a decent source—maybe not AS nice as what Saki could pull, but still nothing to scoff at. Probably one of the few times that Leo is comfortable sitting silently, alone with Splinter, is when they share a pot of tea. As they grow more comfortable, the silence gets filled more easily and it becomes their own bonding time.

@organisedchaosstuff

They’d probably panic the first time it happens. Donnie and Mikey would be completely lost on what to do, and Leo, who usually takes charge pretty fast would be so shocked from seeing the destruction, and be so worried about hurting Raph that he wouldn’t be able to think of a plan on the fly like usual. Mikey would probably be the first one to act, and chain Raph up with his nunchaku. Leo would try to reason with Raph, not really understanding that his big bro isn’t really hearing him, and probably get one or two fists in the face before his instincts override his worry about hurting Raph. Donnie would be in full on panic mode, and his brain would be stuck in a loop trying to figure out what in the world caused Raph to fall into such a state—only being pulled out of his thoughts when Leo orders him to tranq Raph.

After that first rough time, they get some answers from Raph and April on how to handle it better if it ever happens again, and the next time they’re able to pull Raph out of Savage mode with a little more finesse and a lot less panic.

#separated au #ask slushie #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt separated au #rise of the tmnt #sep!au infodump

[teetlesandnimjas]

What if in the explosion the brothers got separated?

This is a villain turtle au- if you don’t want to read it you can scroll past! I know it’s a cliche concept but it was fun! And I like doing my own spin on things.

(Note in this au when they’re mutated they are a little older, young kids, as this idea wouldn’t work if they weren’t SEMI competent. They’re still 13, 14, and 15 in modern times, but when they’re first mutated Mikey is 3, Leo and Donnie are 4, and Raph is 5)

Donnie: got scooped up by Draxum in the end, and works as his assistant first, son second. He has a similar position to Foot Recruit; despite being fully capable of actually being useful, he is treated with little respect and does mundane tasks like running errands and fixing random, broken objects. He is trained constantly but is told over and over again that he is “not good enough” yet. Despite this he puts his heart into everything he does. Broken clock? Sure he’ll fix it and it’s got LAZERS now! This causes him to accidentally make problems, and Draxum thinks that Donnie is “a complete and udder fool” which is further from the truth. Villain Donnie is a lot like canon Donnie personality wise but a bit more serious. He does not approve of Draxum’s use of mystic powers, and resents using them himself. He refuses the axe Draxum tries to give him. Draxum has little regard for what Donnie thinks and does, and therefore has an awful relationship with him. And yknow Donnie’s abandonment and self-worth issues? Yeah crank that up to 11. Basically Donnie hates Draxum and the Mystic City, and the Shredder going rouge is the last straw. “WATCH ME! ILL WIPE OUT THE HUMAN THREAT WITHOUT YOUR STUPID MAGIC! YOU HEAR ME BARON DRAXUM- I DEFY YOU!”

Leo: made his way to New York via Senior Hueso. Originally I was going to have him raised by Hueso but then realized it wouldn’t make a lot of sense- so Senior Hueso picks baby Leo up off the streets but ever the wanderer Leo walks right through the GIANT PORTAL IN THE WALL. From there Foot Brute, attempting and failing to find members for the clan, picks up this tiny, promising turtle off the street. “What is that thing?” “I dunno but he’s cute- and we’re in need of members” “That is an actual child” “so?” And then Leo is raised by his two dad- I mean sensei. I put raised lightly. He was treated better than Donnie but he was never given a lot of attention, and therefore turned to causing trouble to get attention. And not just from his dads, from anyone he can. Causing mischief in the city actually helped him in his training, as he became very skilled at sneaking, fighting, and stealing. He butts heads with Foot Recruit a lot because of his constant need for approval and attention. She finds him genuinely annoying while he just views it as “playful teasing.” That comes back to bite him the butt upon meeting Donnie, who comes along to help make form the Shredder armor, but he does not want to be there. Forced to work together, Donnie gets sick of Leo’s crap real fast but they don’t really hate each other, but in the moment they needed to play it off like they did and therefore gave the impression to the other that they DID hate them. Confusing, I know. Draxum tries and fails on multiple occasions to nab Leo but if he does he realizes it’ll put a major dent in his plans. So he forbids Donnie to speak to Leo. But no one stops Leo from talking to him. But Donnie’s coldness and Leo’s cruel banter really doesn’t help them get along. The moment Shredder goes rogue and the Foot Clan collapses, Leo flees in fear. “What if” this and “what if” that but mostly because he tried to take out Shredder and ruined his clan name. But even on the street, Leo remains the same annoying, much more cruel and dark humored mutant.

Mikey: Got scooped up by the Mud Dogs and taken to Big Mama, dragging only Lou’s glasses with him since even as a toddler he picked up anything shiny he saw. I plan to draw the interaction between tiny Mikey and the Dogs (and how Mikey got his name in this au) but that’s a surprise. Anyways pretty quickly he got entered in the Battle Nexus. Think about the appeal that fight would have! Just a couple years of training and then bam! “Introducing Hakka-gu! Our youngest fighter ever- only 8 years old!” And having natural talent and capabilities he was an instant hit. And he wasn’t treated horribly, after all Big Mama couldn’t risk one of her most profitable champions running away. But he is still treated as nothing but that- a profit, a marketable product. No one calls him his real name anymore, no one cares about him, just his capabilities. When he gets injured it isnt “are you okay?” It’s “is your body okay?” And sometimes he’s treated like an idiot- especially by Big Mama. He was never taught language and has very botched speaking patterns because “intelligence isnt important for a champion.” Well eventually he has enough of that, and through a bloodbath, he is able to escape to New York. Now he’ll get respect- he’ll make them respect him. But he gets quickly spotted by the Foot Clan and Draxum, as he’s in the way. Upon finding out about the plans to wipe out humans, he knows he has to stop them. Who can respect him if THESE GUYS wanna take over the world? He’s not getting mistreated again. But when the Shredder goes rogue he panics- he cant stop it but... he knows who can. He goes crawling back to Big Mama and strikes a deal. A better champion. Better than him. And she takes it, although in the end she makes some... alterations to the deal. But this doesn’t stop his quest for respect, and he ultimately heads back to New York.

Raph: Savage! He’s alone, a young child who doesn’t know where to go. He panics, and rampages all the way to New York. After a good, long, temper-tantrum, he finds himself in an alleyway, climbing into a sewer. And there he eats rats, he sets up a not-so-homely-home for himself. He flashes in and out of his anger, but he is almost always emotional and looking for some sort of control in his life. He gets that through rampages, causing destruction in any way he can. Usually he doesn’t make TOO much of a mess but he’s brought down a few buildings in his time. Eventually, upon seeing a rampaging demon-armor in the streets and seeing 2 figures trying to stop it (at this point Mikey is getting Big Mama) he realizes there are others out there like him. And then begins a struggle for control not over the world, but over himself too. There are times he gains control and although lonely, he knows he must learn. He learns English in flickers, and it isn’t perfect, but he can communicate. He can talk to them. Now he just needs to stop hurting them.

Extra notes:

In this au the only one with their weapon is Donnie. Mikey and Leo are skilled with the weapons they have in canon (the Ōdachi and Kusari-fundo) but they do not have mystic powers. Raph is... well... Raph. He can’t fight with weapons well but he can pack a punch.

Mikey is still a chef and artist, taking a liking to the ability to create, but just like with everything else he “needs to focus on his fights” so he can’t have interests. A kid like Mikey HATES this and any time he can he sneaks away to bake and draw. Usually this is at 2 am.

Leo has anxiety. The minute something not in the plan happens, or a loud noise, or having to talk to someone without a script, he goes into fight-or-flight mode. He often finds that the answer is to fight.

Raph is not necessarily evil- he is an antagonist but he is not evil. He simply has no control and lashes out at everything. That’s why he stays in the sewers. Nothing down there’s moves other than rats, bugs, and the water. But he has to get violent urges out some how.

April is a reporter-in-training in the au, as she never met the turtles until after the Shredder incident. She’s immediately interested in it, as she is everything “supernatural” and she gets dangerously close to some of their fights. I don’t know how they meet yet or if she becomes friends with any of them.

After the Shredder incident, the only thing stopping each turtle from destroying New York is each other. Seriously. They keep getting in each other’s ways because “I want to take over the world, not THEM!”

They all have certain villain stereotypes. Donnie is sort of a mad scientist, Leo is a teasing, monologging villain, Mikey acts like a nut case but has a certain intelligence to him, and Raph appears as a total destroyer.

In the end they get redeemed and find out they’re family, but it takes a while. Mikey is the one to hunt down Draxum, while Leo stalks him. Upon finding this out, having 3 out of 4 looking for each other, they find each other pretty fast. And there’s a big dramatic apology scene with all 3 of them, and at first Donnie thinks they’re conspiring against him and ambushes them but is only met with three harmless turtles who refuse to fight him. They tell him what the deal is and Donnie is shocked. And then he’s pissed. “WHY DIDNT DRAXUM TELL ME!? YOURE LYING! LIARS! NO!” In the end he realizes the truth, but it takes a little “talk” with Draxum. And then Donnie nearly commits murder. Don’t worry they stop him. But there’s no Draxum redemption arc because Donnie would continuously try to commit a felony. April is also somewhere in there and like gives the brothers goodness lessons but idk where that fits in I’m still working this out shajajajajaj

#rottmnt #rottmnt au #villain turtle au #i love theeeeese #also sorry theres no cut i couldnt figure it out on mobile #YOURE GETTING ART SOON! IVE ALREADY GOT MIKEY! #TaNTalks #im sorry

[crazedtmnt]

TMNT Kids Names

I’ve noticed a trend in the TMNT fandom where almost everybody gives the turtles’ children (especially Leo’s) Japanese names. Now, I’m not saying this is bad or wrong in anyway. It’s your headcanon--go wild. But for my personal tastes, I do find it a little awkward. 

Besides certain series like 2012, I don’t see any of the guys having a strong enough connection to Japanese culture to name their children in this way. They were “born” in America and don’t even have Japanese names themselves (excluding the last name Hamato, which is only canon in the 2012 series, hence why I singled that one out). Heck, I see this trend with the Bayverse turtles the most, but that Splinter isn’t even from Japan as Hamato Yoshi or his pet--he was just a lab rat with no memory before then.

Now, that is not to say they don’t have a connection to Japan (and obviously Splinter in most of the other series is from Japan, whether man or rat), but there is a difference between appreciating Japanese culture and using Japanese names for children with potentially no Japanese heritage. Most of their connection to the culture is solely them training as ninja. If their kids’ mother is Japanese in your headcanon (or you just prefer these names) then again, don’t listen to me. Do your thing. XD

But I feel we are missing out on another naming theme that has a much better connection with the turtles: Italian Renaissance painters. Because where do the guys’ names come from?

So, to cut this short, none of the guys have Japanese names, but they do have a naming scheme that they feel proud of... most likely. So instead of giving their kids names from Japan, why not give them names like their father?

I actually have a few suggestions that I like, so if you want, read more below. These are some really cool artists too!

Okay, so starting off with girl names, since female Renaissance artists are hard to find (to the point I included some Baroque artists too), I have a few ideas:

Artemisia - Let’s start with the technically Baroque artist, Artemisia Gentileschi. She was Italian, so at least that follows the name scheme, and had some of the harshest art at the time. Most of her art depicted women in non-traditional roles, often powerful and violent. Her art was shaped by a horrible tragedy in her past--being taken advantage of by one of her father’s partners--so she wanted to depict women as not subservient creatures, but people with their own minds and strength. Her art was specialized in women of myth who had suffered. Personally, I feel like Raph or Leo would like this name because of how powerful it sounds. It is derived from a masculine version of Artemis, after all. Name your daughter after a goddess! Example of her art (title - Jael and Sisera):

Marietta - Next, we have Marietta Robusti, another Italian painter from an artistic family. She is the eldest daughter of Tintoretto, another famous Italian painter. In fact, she earned the nickname la Tintoretta because of her father. She had such a close relationship with her father that she would even dress like a boy to go with him everywhere. In fact, she had offers to become the court painter for Emperor Maximilian and King Philip II of Spain, but her father refused them because he wanted to stay close to her. Sounds like the perfect name for a daddy’s girl. XD Marietta does not have much art attributed to her, due to being a woman, but it is said she assisted her father with his paintings. Her art was described to be very elegant and just as skilled as her father’s. For some reason, I feel like Mikey would really like this name. Example of her art (self-portrait): 

Last for the girls (this could go on forever, if you let me):

Lavinia - After the Italian painter, Lavinia Fontana, best known for doing portraits and being one of the first female career artists--her family actually relied on her income as a painter rather than her husband’s, who served as her agent and raised their eleven children. She was also one of the first women to paint female nudes, but that’s a bit controversial. XD At the time she became famous, there was a high demand for portraits, so Lavinia had many clients. She was especially good with female clients, many of whom became namesakes and godmothers to her children. In regard to her female nudes, it was actually socially unacceptable for women at the time to be exposed to nudity--to the point that if anyone found out she used live models her entire reputation would be tarnished. It is theorized that she used family members as models to get around this, as her art was extremely accurate at depicting disproportionate bodies like they naturally are. Example of her (clean) art (title - Portrait of a Lady with a Lap Dog): 

So now we move onto the guys, though these are much easier to find (and I’m getting tired =_=), so I’ll be a bit shorter here. Now, if I’m being honest, the guy names sound weirder than the girls’, but then again the turtles’ name would sound weird if we weren’t used to them too:

Lorenzo - Coming from Lorenzo Costa, Italian painter. Not much is known about him (or at least I couldn’t find much), but I like the name! Example of his art (title - Holy Family):

Antonello - I could see Donnie using this because it sounds like his name. Anyway, this is from the painter Antonello de Messina. He was known for his unison of Italian simplicity and Flemish attention to detail. He even influenced artists from northern Italy, despite being from southern Italy himself. Example of his art (title - The Virgin Annunciate): 

This is getting a bit long, so I’m gonna stop it here. I’m not even an art history buff, what am I doing writing so much? XD

Anyway, I hope anyone who actually read through this liked what I had to share. I found this name theme much more fun than just slapping Japanese names on the turtles’ kids. Though, if I’m being honest, I feel like only Leo and Donnie might go for this theme (Leo for family tradition and interest, and Donnie solely for interest). I see Raph and Mikey as the types to use more regular names for their kids.

Thank you for reading!

#tmnt #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2014 #tmnt 2016 #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2007 #tmnt leo #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #tmnt mikey #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt kids #just some ramblings

[ghost-chance]

A New Lease on Life Prologue

Amber O'Brien died with one regret: she never found love worth living for. Then she woke up in another world, on April's sofa, with a big fat purple dragon tattoo in her cleavage and a major 'dying' hangover. Stuck with PTSD and in a body not her own, she searches for answers and strength. Things are rarely what they seem, and love never comes easy. Slow burn, multipart, Donnie/OC-centric, NOT self-insert.

So...this has already been uploaded on FFnet and AO3 for quite some time now, but I haven’t uploaded much of it to Tumblr yet. Thinking I may need to fix that. Currently, the story’s nearing the end of Part III so you’ve got a ways to read before running out and having to wait for updates - sweet, right? I’ll be queuing the finished chapters for automatic posting, but please be patient with me while I work out the formatting differences for this site.

Just a quick note before beginning the chapter: Main pairings are Donatello/OC and Raphael/OC, and minor canon pairings are Leonardo/OC and Michelangelo/OC. The story starts off a bit slow but once you’ve gotten past the setup chapters - I believe the first five or so...? - it picks up steadily. If you enjoy this story, feel free to reblog, comment, whatever you want - it really makes my day.

Check out the official “A New Lease on Life, Part I” Playlist!

TRIGGER WARNING: Panic attacks.

Suggested Listening: The Rasmus "In the Shadows"

Begin PART I: Time to Burn

------------------------------

         Prologue  

------------------------------

New York City, January 27th, 2016

"Don't even think about it, Mikey." Right on cue, a loud splash sounded some distance down the tunnel, followed by Raphael sputtering angrily. Donatello smiled despite himself, certain water balloons had been involved. As the two troublemakers wrestled in the gravel and debris lining the empty rail bed, Leonardo approached the brother silently studying a map projected over his arm.

"Where does he hide those, anyway?" Leo joked as he fell into step beside him. "I could've sworn he used the last one up three tunnels back."

"Apparently not," Don replied, scanning the walls for telltale signs that they were on the right path. Familiar graffiti and discreet markings in the concrete were as useful as any map when you knew the tunnels like they did. "At least he's occupied, right? We're almost there anyway."

The night before had been interrupted by a sudden blaring alarm from the security system indicating that movement had been detected in an abandoned subway station about a mile from the lair. Though nothing was ever visible on the cameras, that alarm sounded several more times that night and throughout the morning. By the time noon rolled around everyone was quite fed up with it and Donatello, frustrated at what was likely a bug in the systems, packed up to lead the team out in search of the problem.

"This is it," he remarked as they neared their turnoff. The City Hall subway station had been long abandoned but was always a sight to see. As his brothers crept along silently behind him, he inched up the corridor, scouting for heat sources with his goggles. As he'd expected, it was completely vacant.

"So," Mikey asked brightly. "If the coast is clear, can we go home now? I don't wanna miss Glee." With a wary cringe, Raph edged away mumbling under his breath about something being contagious.

"Not yet, Mikey," Leo answered. "Not 'til Donnie figures out what set the systems off." With a mumbled 'Bummer,' Mikey slumped over to the breakerbox on a nearby wall and switched on the lights. Dim yellowed light flooded the once beautiful room, Green and ivory tile gleaming beneath years of filth. Don hastened to a bronze placard to inspect the hidden security camera he'd installed there years before. With a loose brick removed, the answer was clear.

"Mystery solved," he remarked dryly when a few wires fell out completely. Damaged, disconnected output wires couldn't transmit video. He deftly repaired the connection with practiced ease; if the camera picked up anything, he'd be able to see it when they returned.

"Uh...guys?" Leo ground out, backing away from a rubbish heap in the corner. "We've got company!" Three pairs of eyes snapped to the shifting garbage, and Donatello realized his heat sensors missed something. A body lay curled up in the rubbish pile shivering violently. The other three hung back nervously as he hurried to the person's side running health diagnostics on them the whole way. The woman was scantily clothed, only a few degrees from hypothermia, and from the looks of it, halfway unconscious...and strangely familiar, though he shoved that thought away.

"Not good," Donnie exclaimed as he dug through his pack for his medkit and the foiled emergency blanket. "She must've wandered in last night, setting off the alarms! With that little clothing on, she's lucky she didn't freeze to death!" The telltale rumble of a passing train sounded nearby as he wrapped her tightly in the foil-lined blanket, and everything went to Heck in a handbasket. Without warning her eyes flew wide open and terrified screams shattered the air; unseeing moss green eyes stared up at the intricately tiled ceiling as she scrambled out of the blanket and back to her corner. Still shrieking and sobbing she fell to her side in a fetal position, clutching her hands over her neck and shaking violently.

"Well, dere ya go, Donnie," Raph grumbled. "Junkie on a bad trip set off ya sensors." He cringed as yet another terrified wail ripped from her lungs. Donatello shook his head emphatically as he yanked his goggles back up.

"No, she's clean!" he protested at top speed as he dug through his bag again. "I'm not picking up even traces of anything—alcohol, heroin, marijuana, not even tobacco!—her heartrate's through the roof and her adrenaline levels are spiking rapidly! Leo, hold her down!" While Leo and Mikey restrained the thrashing woman screeching unintelligibly, Don injected a sedative into her bare arm. Bit by bit her cries turned to groans and sobs; bit by bit, she fell limp in their grip.

Finally, all was still. A quick scan told Don her vitals were returning to normal and the fit had raised her core temperature a little. If the sensors had been set off by fits like that one, he supposed, it explained how she'd survived the cold night. Despite himself he brushed a lock of bright red hair away from her closed eyes; it was dyed, of course, and he couldn't help wondering what the natural color was. Silently reminding himself of his task he wrapped her up again and hoisted her into his arms; across the chamber, Raph startled.

"Wait a sec," he muttered stalking over. "I seen'er before…she—"

"—needs help," Leo cut him off, retrieving her glasses from the rubbish heap. "Regardless of who or what she is, we can't just leave her down here. It's January—she'll freeze to death!" As the two butted heads, Don shifted her to his shoulder in a fireman's carry and dug out his phone. After all, April had never refused to help them, yet.

Prologue chapter is short. Rest of them? NOT short, averaging 7-12 pages apiece. Consider the short chap an appetizer.

UP NEXT: Amber or Kimber?

#TMNT #teenage mutant ninja turtles #Ninja Turtles #donatella versace #Raphael #Leonardo #Michelangelo #donnie/oc #Raph/OC #Leo/OC #Mikey/OC #Romantic Drama #Non-Sue OCs #A New Lease on Life #ANLoL #Here be plot twists

[spectrumscribe]

These Days

Inspired by both my utter salt for the current brother-brother dynamics in canon, and the song These Days by the Black Keys.

Previous part, first part, and AO3 version of the series.

Chapter summary:

The youngest child is always the last. The last to learn things, the last to grow up, and the last to find their place in life.

That should not include being the last to be respected, or heard, or loved.

——————————————————————

Part Four.

Mikey’s throat burns, itchy and hot. Or maybe that’s his head. Or maybe it’s just both of them at the same time.

His fingers tap restlessly against the wooden counter, his feet starting to jitter too. He’s supposed to be listening to someone else, but right now all he can hear are echoes and memories knocking around his head that just won’t stop.

He swallows thick and bitterly, and tastes his own anger. It’s like bile on his tongue and he hates it just as much as he hates the scenes playing through his head.

Raph’s hands, Leo’s words, vice versa and combined, and Donnie’s listlessness, the blank way he’s always opting out, always drifting away just when Mikey needs him most, and he hates those things so much, but he also hates how Donnie does that because he can’t handle what’s been said and done to him, and how Mikey’s sometimes the cause of him doing that he’s not blameless and how it all still hurts, all those things, and they’re both so fucked up and it’s not fair because they left they left and this shouldn’t be bothering Mikey anymore-

“Michelangelo?”

Leatherhead’s gravelly voice snaps Mikey out of his spiraling, infuriating thoughts, and he blinks back to where he’s supposed to be

They’re in Murakami’s shop. Leatherhead carefully squeezed into the room to lean halfway onto the counter, enjoying soup and sushi as he visits with a fellow old man and the rest of them. Mondo darting around behind the counter with Murakami, dressed in his apron and cooking clothes specially fitted for him, showing off what the old chef has been teaching him the last few months. Mikey sitting at the counter, spacing out and building up stupid, pointless anger that he should’ve just left ignored.

All of them are staring at him.

Mikey violently shoves away his anger, and gives them an innocent look. “Sorry! Yikes, I totally zonked out,” Mikey says, wincing comically as he rubs the back of his neck. “What’d I miss again?”

Leatherhead gives him a measured look, and replies, “We were just wondering if you would also like to try Mondo’s new dish.” He gestures one large hand at Mondo, who’s holding up a bowl of soup from the pot he and Murakami have been attending to this whole time. “I’ve had a sip, and it’s very good. I highly recommend it.”

“Is something troubling you, Michelangelo?” Murakami asks, turning his head towards Mikey, and it feels like the older human is staring at him despite having no sight. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight, most uncharacteristic of you.”

That’s right. Murakami is right; it is out of character for Mikey to be quiet around people. He just can’t shut up, ever, because he’ll run his stupid little mouth until his voice is hoarse or someone shuts him up by force. Raph had done that, usually. Whenever he got sick of Mikey’s words, sick of Mikey’s opinions, sick of Mikey-

“I’m a little tired, I guess,” Mikey says with a shrug, keeping his swells of anger well and hidden. No one needs to hear those things. They’re… not him, not okay to show to people.

Anger is gross. It hurts people and it hurts for Mikey to have. Better he just never show it at all.

Leatherhead’s hand on his shell is welcomed, because it gives Mikey something to focus on that’s not his own stupid, stupid emotions. “If you are too tired to stay out much later, we can leave,” Leatherhead offers with a rumble. “You are going through a very trying time, Michelangelo. We won’t ask you to push yourself unnecessarily.”

The obvious and warm comfort leatherhead is extending to Mikey gives him the strength to push down the anger, to shove it far far far down where it can’t touch him anymore or poison his thoughts. And he smiles for his friend. “Nah, I’m good,” Mikey says, normal and bright again. “It’s actually ‘cause I’m so craving some of that soup there, so gimme gimme, Mondo!”

Mondo beams, and brings over the bowl and platter to Mikey. “I’ve been workin’ on the recipe for weeks, bro,” Mondo says proudly, squaring his small shoulders and presenting the dish. His thick tail waves happily behind him as he does. “Mr. Murakami’s been great about it, too. I didn’t even know about half the ingredients he showed me!”

“That is because they are spices, and most Americans do not seem to know about those things,” Murakami says with a laugh.

Mikey grins, and takes the hot bowl of soup off the platter to sip from it. Spoons are kind of useless for him pretty often, because most ones are so teeny tiny in his hands and never manage to hold all the food he needs them to and hey, maybe there really was something  to his brothers always saying he has a big mouth.

The soup burns his tongue a bit. Mikey swallows it anyways, because it burns less than the resurging anger in him.

But if he doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t speak it, it’s not actually there. And he’s sticking to that.

“Delicious, more please!” Mikey exclaims, holding the empty bowl out to Mondo. He hadn’t even tasted it, really. He’s not tasting much of anything right now.

Mondo beams again with all his little white teeth, and rushes off to fill up Mikey’s bowl. At least Mikey’s friend is happy, even though he doesn’t have parents either. They’d tossed him out the moment he’d shown his mutated face, and Mikey… still feels kinda bad for the guy. Sure Mondo’s got the Mutanimals, and Leatherhead is an A++ old man to chill with, but… it ain’t anything close to having a mom or dad. Mikey doesn’t know how Mondo could lose that and keep going-

Oh wait.

Yeah he does.

For a moment, grief overtakes the anger, and Mikey swims in his rush of sheer loss.

His dad, tall and forever untouchable, always there always strong always watching- unbeatable. Except no he wasn’t. He got killed, same as anyone else could, and he wasn’t actually always there, wasn’t always watching, wasn’t always… his dad.

His dad had been more so his Sensei, and Mikey had never been his favorite student. Ever.

Well, there goes his grief, and in its place-

Hello, anger, Mikey thinks dark and bitterly, long time no see.

And he swallows it all back down again, and does his best to ignore and pretend and space out in the right way that’s expected of him. He plays at being the Mikey he’s supposed to be- bright, cheerful, silly, perfectly happy all the time- and doesn’t let slip again for the rest of the night.

He hates being angry, and he hates showing it even more. Especially to his friends. They don’t deserve that, not when they’ve stayed with him the whole while since he and Donnie broke up their family. Anger hurts people, and Mikey doesn’t want to hurt any of his friends. At all.

But maybe he doesn’t hide it as well as he thought- which is weird, because none of his brothers have ever noticed- and Leatherhead stops him as they part for the night.

“If you will not talk to me about what’s troubling you,” Leatherhead says, keeping his voice low enough the still talking Mondo and Murakami can’t hear. “Then please talk to Donatello, at least. Your brother will listen, Michelangelo. It’s what family is for.”

A momentary, and very inappropriate, bubble of laughter tries to escape Mikey. Yeah, right. When did any of his brothers listen to him?

Donnie does, has been, he’s trying, Mikey reminds himself forcefully. Donnie is trying, and it’s just Mikey’s who’s not speaking about some of his crappy thoughts.

Maybe he should try talking about the anger, just a little.

“I… guess,” Mikey says finally, awkwardly skirting having to outright admit he’s got something bothering him. “I dunno. If Donnie’s up for it? Maybe.”

Leatherhead gives him a great big hug, just for that, and Mikey tries to hold onto the affection of that gesture rather than the squirming emotions in his chest.

Mikey exchanges fist bumps with Mondo and Murakami before he goes, and he grins like he doesn’t have weird exhaustion and aches tugging at his body. He heads back to the station, following the new paths he’s been familiarizing himself with for quickest travel from their new home. It’s late in the night, nearing morning, and even though Mikey doesn’t really want to…

He’ll give talking a shot. He’s talked about other hard stuff, mostly with Leatherhead, so how much harder could this topic be? Never mind that he hates even thinking about it, right down into his bones, and never mind that he doesn’t think Donnie even knows how angry Mikey can get.

Never mind all that; they’re on a fresh start, a blank slate, a brand new adventure where it’s just them and they actually talk instead of poking and snapping all the time.

Mikey brings up his confidence with shaky force- it’s getting harder to do that lately and he has no idea why- and ducks into his new home to share something with his brother. Something he’s been ignoring and hiding and pretending doesn’t exist at all for a long, long time.

The smell of alcohol hits him immediately.

And then he finds his brother. And Casey.

And Mikey can’t compute the situation he’s seeing before him.

And then the anger comes back, bright and hateful, and Mikey barely, just barely bites it all down into submission again.

Donnie brought Casey into their home, without telling Mikey. He got drunk and then passed out with their friend, the one night Mikey was really going to talk to him. He trashed their living room that Mikey helped build with him, like it didn’t mean anything at all.

Donnie is well and truly asleep, and Mikey stands alone in the dark with bitter, bitter anger on his tongue. His brother won’t be listening to him at all tonight, obviously.

Mikey snarls without sound, and storms out of the living room. Leaving Donnie and Casey to the fun they’d gone and had without him, and carelessly slamming his door shut behind him.

He crawls into his bed without bothering to brush his teeth, or get Donnie and Casey into actual places to sleep, or even covering them up with blankets so they don’t freeze on the floor-

-and he ignores all those things he should be doing, and instead tries not to let the twisting, snarling knots in his chest keep him awake all day.

    Mikey wakes up the next evening, and feels like a dick.

It’s not Donnie’s fault Mikey was having a crappy night. He didn’t know Mikey was going to try talking about gross stuff he’s never even hinted about before. And heck, like anyone can keep Casey from doing what he wants, including worming his way into your home and starting a party.

Donnie and Casey are still passed out where Mikey left them last night, and he sighs at the both of them. There’s only a faint hint of his residual frustration, and it’s easily enough ignored. He starts by waking Donnie up, and from there he does his best to forget he’d ever been so mad at his brother.

Mikey starts poking at the mess Donnie and Casey made, while the two of them go have a private moment as Donnie sees Casey off, and he finds a mostly still full bottle of alcohol.

He stares at it, lying on the carpet with its cap on and most of its liquid safely inside. He considers it for a moment, wondering what he should do.

Then he picks it up, and puts it in his room before Donnie comes back. Why he does, he’s not really sure. It probably has to do with the dull buzz of hurt he’s still got; because even though he’s trying not to be, he’s frustrated Donnie called Casey over and had a party together without even bothering to text it was happening.

Mikey feels left out and more than a little ignored. He hasn’t felt that in a few weeks, and it’s not a fun thing to feel again.

It feels too much like how it felt at home, in the lair, with their brothers, with their father- and Mikey shoves the hurt anger deep, deep down into himself and forces his brain to forget about it.

Donnie didn’t do it on purpose. Probably. Casey tended to whip Donnie into all sorts of moods and frenzies, and who could focus on anything else when hurricane Jones was blowing through? Not Donnie, that’s for sure.

And then Casey calls Mikey, when he’s wandering the kitchen and looking for any other leftover alcohol, and Mikey suddenly feels like even more of a dick.

“He says it’s his fault your- fuck, that he’s the reason your dad is dead,” Casey says in a low, harsh voice; putting stones and glass in Mikey’s stomach. Gone is Casey’s vagueness from earlier, the maintained hungover humor that he and Donnie have been sharing. Maybe he hadn’t been as out of it as Mikey had thought. “He cried all over the place, Mike. All over me, and you know it’s bad if he’s done that. Did you know about any of that shit?”

Mikey’s head is kinda tilting a direction he doesn’t like, and he has to swallow around a lump in his throat. “No,” He says, somehow still steady. “I didn’t know that… at all.”

“Well. He spent like half the night talking about it, so I think it’d be a good idea you make ‘im talk about it again. Other stuff, too. Bad stuff.”

“What bad stuff?” Mikey asks, and a part of him doesn’t want to hear the answer. And he’s right, he doesn’t want to hear about how Donnie’s been keeping all these things in; blaming himself for their dad’s death, Leo’s coma, and countless other things Mikey is pretty sure he had no control over. And yet, Donnie had said it was all his fault, and slapped a claim over some of the worst shit that keeps Mikey awake most days.

Donnie hadn’t been having a party with Casey. He’d been having a vent session that should’ve happened months ago.

Mikey wonders why Donnie never told him the things he’d told Casey. He wonders that, while listening as Casey rambles on about things Donnie had said, about things he’s going to go yell at their brothers, and Mikey arrives to a conclusion.

Donnie still doesn’t trust him, doesn’t think Mikey could handle hearing those things.

An insidious whisper in his brain says it’s because Donnie thinks he’s too stupid to get it, too much the youngest brother to understand big things like self-blame and grief and shitty thoughts.

Mikey stomps on that thought and ignores it.

He takes Casey’s advice, after hearing what his friend swears is just the bare bones of what Donnie’s got all smushed up inside him, and corners his brother immediately. They are talking, and then they are hugging, and Mikey is going to show Donnie he’s perfectly capable of handling this.

Except.

He’s not sure he actually can.

Because when Mikey finally gets Donnie onto the couch, listening and waiting, and he actually hears what Donnie has to say… he falters.

Mikey hadn’t known about any of these things, hadn’t even thought they might exist. Hadn’t thought about how much pressure they’d been placing on Donnie, or how Leo’s words and their father’s words and all of their words had hurt him so much. He’d known it’d been hard, but…

He hadn’t known just how hard it really was. Not entirely.

Maybe Mikey played a part in those things- twitchy and ignorant and just doing whatever the hell he pleased because hey, he was always getting scolded anyways, what was one more brother yelling at him- but largely it’d been their brothers. Their father.

And Mikey’s anger burns.

Because Donnie, who is always tall, always unfaltering in his dedication and hard work, is just too wrung out to give much more. He says in a wavering voice that there’s just not enough of him left. And he’s hunching over his knees, words tumbling out fast and painful, and the way his voice cracks is breaking Mikey’s heart and nearly his control.

Donnie is missing his mask and has bags under his eyes and looks pale as they physically can be and is just so sad. And Mikey isn’t sure how to fix that. He isn’t sure how to respond to Donnie’s words, his stories about how long he’s been alone and hurting and feeling like no one loved him, and Mikey’s sadness and anger and whirling confusion fight each other in his head.

Regret makes its way out of the fight, and Mikey pulls Donnie into the tightest, most loving hug he can manage while he represses every other thought he’s been having. Donnie’s abrupt break down is the priority right now, not Mikey’s steadily growing anger issues.

Donnie actually sobs for a bit, and it’s the worst sound Mikey never ever wanted to hear. Donnie is just so broken sounding, the way he’s talking about always feeling tired, and always wishing things would just stop for a while so he could actually rest for once. He’s shaking and still crying and Mikey can’t do anything other than cling tighter to his brother and say he loves him, and he’s sorry.

It takes a while, and a lot of very tight clinging on Mikey’s (useless) part, and then Donnie drags himself back together enough to wipe away his tears. He manages a weak smile at the lame sounding reassurances from Mikey- “Don’t worry, Dee. If you’re really that tired, I swear I’ll do your half of the dishes tonight.”- and then, with Mikey’s encouragement, goes to make a phone call he really needs to.

They don’t talk about Mikey at all. Mikey doesn’t try to bring his own emotions into things, period.

Donnie can’t handle that, not right now. Mikey’s stupid feelings aren’t big enough to need talking about yet; and they are stupid, because why is he bothering with stuff that he’s already kind of talked about with Leatherhead, and then sworn he wouldn’t think about anymore.

Donnie’s got his own problems, and he’s the one in need of help right now. Not Mikey. Mikey won’t put yet another burden on Donnie’s shoulders, not after hearing about all the other ones that’ve been making him into atlas.

Mikey’s fine on his own, so he’ll keep to himself what he’d wanted to talk to Donnie about.

    Mikey gets more nightmares than he wants to admit.

He’s always had a super active imagination, and it shows in just how vivid and detailed his dreams can get. Sometimes it’s neat, and he enjoys being able to recount every step and turn his dream self takes while he sleeps.

But sometimes it sucks. Really, really sucks.

Like dreaming he’s back in that moment, on that night, and watching his dad fall off a building and not get back up.

Mikey can’t jolt himself awake, even though he knows he’s dreaming, he knows this is just a stupid memory, and he has to watch his dad fall and hit the ground with a horrible, horrible thud and he’s too slow, too slow to do anything, because his dad’s chest is already torn open and gushing blood and he’s not even breathing anymore he’s just gone and they’re too late too late and it was all pointless and he was just too slow-

And Mikey’s lungs falter as he falls out of the nightmare, and he can’t do anything other than cough and gasp for a solid minute.

He’s crying. He’s crying and everything hurts just as much as it did in that moment. The realization that his unbeatable father had been beaten, and that he wasn’t coming back this time. Splinter is gone, and they won’t be getting anymore miracles.

Mikey used to think everything would work itself out, no matter what happened. They’d always find a way, always beat the odds. Always go home together. Always have their dad.

In the end, they lost to the odds, broke their home, and buried their father.

Leo had said they’d won the battle, ended the war. In Mikey’s opinion, he thinks they lost it completely.

After all, what did the Shredder have left to lose at that point? Karai didn’t want him, the Foot had abandoned him, and it’d just been him and his hench-guys. Mikey and his family are the ones who lost everything, not the Shredder.

Mikey sniffles, and wipes his tears onto his pillow. Turning into the dull comfort he gets from having privacy to feel like shit, and sheets that still have a slight scent of his old room.

He considers for a moment, going to Donnie and asking to talk about their dad, about how he misses Splinter even though he’d been so absent in the last few years, but Mikey doesn’t move to get up.

Donnie is still recovering, and it’s just a stupid dream, just some stupid feelings.

Mikey’s nearly an adult now, he can handle some dumb nightmares on his own. He has for… years. Since the war had started to get bad. He hadn’t gone crying to his brothers for- mockery, scorn, dismissal- for comfort then, and he won’t now. Especially since Donnie is still precariously balanced with his own issues.

Mikey rolls over; smearing the last of his tears onto his pillow, and shuts his eyes to will himself back to sleep.

    Mikey keeps out of Donnie’s way for a while, but also circles his brother and does whatever Donnie needs him to.

Whether it’s taking a bit more of their shared chores, or being extra quiet that night, or just stepping out of the station for a bit to go burn off aggravating energy so he doesn’t bother Donnie- Mikey does it, and tries to be everything he hasn’t been over the years.

He wants to be a good brother, especially right now. He wants to mend the relationship he has with Donnie, and make it stronger than before. No more driving Donnie into break downs, please. Mikey’s seen enough of that for a lifetime and then some.

Sure, Mikey is still struggling with nightmares and frustrations and anger, but he’s got a handle on that. No sweat, he’s been doing this long enough now he’s an expert.

Except.

Text messages still come from their brothers, even though Mikey has noticed they’re slowing down. But it’s still enough. And with the weeks still pilling on- six, six weeks now and counting- they’re getting more desperate. More angry.

Raph is so mad at him, so scared for him; he wants them both back home and safe again. Where he and Leo can watch out for them.

Raph is also confused, and wants to know what the hell they’ve been telling their friends. Apparently, none of their friends want to talk to Mikey’s brothers anymore, and Raph and Leo just don’t get why.

Mikey reads a text that’s damn close to a plead, begging Mikey and Donnie to reply and at least call them- and Mikey has a horribly inappropriate moment of sharp laughter.

The laughter happens again when he finds a text from Leo, talking about how disappointed their father would have been, the two of them running away without explanation and turning all their friends against their brothers.

It happens a third time, when Raph leaves a breathlessly furious voicemail, about Casey and April turning on him and Leo and how Donnie and Mikey are still missing- and Mikey just can’t anymore.

He throws his phone across his room, not giving two shits about the sound of hitting the wall, and barks one more laugh before breaking into a muffled scream.

He’s just so angry at them all.

They don’t even see it, and its right in front of them, and they still don’t see it. They don’t get that they hurt Donnie, hurt Mikey, and that no, they’re not coming home no matter what their brothers plead and yell at them. That their dad was a neglectful asshole who only ever paid attention to them, and Mikey is having a hard time balancing that jealousy with his grief these days and it’s just turning into one big mess of anger.

He used to be so good about keeping his emotions under control. Only the happy ones were ever allowed out, or the sad ones in the right moments when it was okay to cry and whine a bit. Not anger. Never anger.

Raph gets to be angry, but not Mikey. Mikey has to be the happy one, the silly one, the stupid one-

Mikey bites his lips hard, and muffles his furious scream into his hands.

Why is it suddenly getting so hard to keep the anger out? Or rather, keep it in. Why is it suddenly such an issue to control a stupid, hurtful emotion he doesn’t even like having?

So his brothers still want them back. So they’re still looking for them. Great, good for them.

Mikey’s head is buzzing with anger, and he has nowhere to aim it, so it just keeps buzzing.

They don’t get what they did. Raph and Leo. Can’t tell or acknowledge it even with their whole friend group being pretty clear about things. Mikey doesn’t think they’d get it even if he screamed it in their faces.

They want them back home, ‘safe’ with them and under their watch again. The thought makes Mikey’s scales crawl and bile rise up in his throat. Because no. No more.

And maybe their father would’ve been disappointed- so what? He was always disappointed in Mikey anyways, getting distracted and unable to follow what was happening and just being a general nuisance that interrupted Splinter’s time with Raph and Leo. Mikey doesn’t care right now what their father would’ve thought- he’s dead and he can’t give Mikey infuriatingly distant looks of disappointment anymore.

Mikey misses his dad, misses his brothers, misses how things used to be-

-but right now, he’s more so angry about all those things, and tries to keep silent as the rancid emotions claw at him for release.

He doesn’t let them get that release.

He shoves his phone back under his bed, again, and has to ignore it for three days straight just to get his head back on right.

    “It wasn’t your fault, Donnie. You can’t keep blaming yourself for it.”

“Za’naron wasn’t your fault either, so you can’t blame yourself for that if I can’t blame myself for- for Splinter. Dying.”

“…that was different.”

“It wasn’t really you.”

“A part of it was, though. I’m the one who gave in.”

“Yeah. Well. I’m the one who didn’t listen when I should have. So guess we can both blame ourselves a bit.”

“Donnie…”

Mikey hovers out of sight, practicing his ability to not be, and listens to his brother and April have the same conversation they’ve been having over and over the last while.

He hears April sigh, and shift on the couch. “This isn’t healthy, Donnie,” April says gently. “You can’t keep holding onto those things, or… it’ll never get better.”

“I can and I will,” Donnie mutters stubbornly. “Because they’re true.”

“They’re not-”

“Yes they are! I’m the one-”

“You’re one kid, one person, and you had no control over what happened to master Splinter. It’s not your fault; it was never your fault.”

Donnie falls silent for a moment, and it’s a drawn out sort of silence.

“Then why…” Why do I feel like it is?

Donnie doesn’t actually say the last part, but Mikey hears it anyways. It kinda sucks how clear he can hear it, and Mikey doesn’t know what to do about it anymore than he has the last week of trying to get Donnie to feel okay again.

Donnie sighs, and it’s an exhausted sound. Mikey looks up at the ceiling of the hallway, and thinks quietly that Donnie doesn’t ever not sound exhausted.

“…I don’t have an answer, Donnie,” April says in a hushed voice. “But I know it wasn’t your fault.”

And there’s the sound Donnie’s been making on and off lately, soft and broken. Mikey shuts his eyes and tries not to hear it too well.

Donnie’s crying again, in quiet gasps as he tries to not, and Mikey opens his eyes as April starts to shush his brother. Whispered things about how they’ll get through this, it’s not Donnie’s fault, and they’ll work it out somehow, some way…

“It’s okay, Donnie. Just let it out. I got you. I got you…”

Mikey takes the moment to peek into the living room, still silent and invisible. April’s got Donnie in a hug, and Mikey’s brother is hiding his face in her shoulder. April’s words and hug already seem to be calming Donnie down, and…

She’s doing this so much better than Mikey had. April knows what she’s doing, and Mikey doesn’t. She knows what to say, what’ll calm down Donnie the quickest, and… just knows how to be a better support in general.

And Donnie seems to trust her more, too. Letting this out every time April asks him to, without complaint or protest. He’s always ready to talk to her, but not…

Not Mikey.

Mikey swallows something too close to jealousy for comfort, and turns away from his brother and friend.

They deserve some privacy. He’d just been listening in for a moment, checking in on how their latest talk was going.

But April’s clearly got this, so Mikey leaves them to it. He’ll go do some quiet exercises, maybe a run above ground for a few hours. He won’t be such an annoyance if he gets rid of his excess energy.

He takes his skateboard with him as he leaves, going through the second exit so he doesn’t disturb April or Donnie. Mikey’s got his standard equipment on him too, nunchucks, smoke bombs, etc., even though the paranoia of his brothers finding them has started to ease off.

April and Casey both know where they are now, and Mikey is seriously considering bringing Leatherhead around sometime soon; so unless someone actually shows his brothers, and Mikey doubts any of their friends will, Leo and Raph aren’t finding the station any time soon. If they could’ve, they already would have.

That comfort is a small one, though. Because eventually- and that eventually hangs heavy in the air sometimes- he and Donnie will have to talk to their brothers, if only to bring closure to the shit that drove them all apart.

Mikey doesn’t know how he’ll handle that. He doesn’t know how to approach the idea at all.

But him not knowing how to do stuff is normal enough, right?

Right.

    The station is occupied at the moment, so guess that means Mikey needs to shove off for a good while. Enough time for April and Donnie to wrap up their conversation and for Donnie to pull himself back together.

Mikey skates aimlessly for a while, not really thinking of anything in particular. He doesn’t really notice until he’s getting close, but he’d unconsciously drifted towards the Mutanimals’ hideout as he went. Mikey considers his options for a moment, and then starts heading towards Leatherhead and Mondo’s location in earnest. Spending time with the two of them should make it easy enough to shove his dumb mood aside; it’s always easier to do that for other people, instead of just himself.

He kicks his board up into his hand, and ducks in through the main entrance of the hideout. It’s not locked up, so that obviously means Mikey’s allowed to come in. His mood lifts the closer he gets to the inner rooms, and he manages to put a near spring in his step as he heads in.

Then-

He hears a voice that makes him freeze.

His heart stops and his fingers go numb, and he stands there like an idiot deer in the headlights; stuck in the last doorway into the center room of the Mutanimals’ base.

His skateboard slips from his hand. It clatters against the floor too loud to be ignored.

Raph turns around, following the sound and forgetting the conversation he’d been having with Slash.

Everything slows down, and Mikey can’t breathe.

“Mikey?” Raph says, eyes going wide. Then- “Mikey!”

And Mikey is already running by the time Raph even moves his feet.

He doesn’t even bother grabbing his skateboard, he just runs, and he doesn’t look back. Because he knows if he does-

He might listen to the things Raph is yelling after him. He might not be able to keep running away.

Raph’s voice echoes through the streets as Mikey runs, and neither of them are even trying to be stealthy anymore. There’s no reason to beyond ordinary humans maybe hearing them, and when isn’t there yelling in New York? It’s just normal, so normal no one even cares that there’s yelling outside their apartments- so why should Mikey?

With that hysterical thought in mind, Mikey pours on the speed and does his best to disappear. He blocks out Raph’s calls after him, and narrows everything down to his path ahead.

“Mikey! MIKEY! Just wait a second- where are you going?!”

Away from you! Mikey thinks, shrieks, inside his panicking mind, and then does.

He throws down a bunch of his smoke bombs, and disappears.

He leaves Raph coughing and cursing in the street below, while Mikey climbs into a boarded up building. They’re in one of the less attended to districts, so there are plenty of these buildings to find. Mikey replaces the boards across the window once he inside, and makes it look as though nothing has touched them since they went up.

He steps away from it when he’s done, tunnel vision draining away. He feels shaky in a way he hasn’t since he was fifteen and new to life or death situations. Like he’s a newbie all over again, just as inexperienced as the night he and his brothers first went out on their own.

Raph is still yelling outside. Hollering after Mikey and demanding he show himself.

Mikey takes a few more stumbling steps back from the window, and then recovers enough to become silent again.

The building he’s in looks like it used to be an apartment. Probably. All the rooms are stripped down and there’s no carpet on the rotting wooden floors.

Mikey doesn’t go farther than the back wall of the room he’s in- a kitchen, maybe- and ends up slumping against the far wall. Sinking to the floor and suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

Raph is still yelling. Still looking.

Mikey doesn’t think he’s got the concentration right now to sneak away, so he does the next best thing.

He goes quiet, and stops existing.

He stares at the window, boarded up but no sound proof, and waits for the yelling to get closer. He waits with his pulse thrumming in his ears, and lungs trying to take heaving breaths that he won’t give them.

Mikey should be standing, ready to flee, but he can’t get back up. He just sits there on the floor, and stares at the window. Terrified.

Oh god he’s so scared. And he’s such an idiot.

He should’ve checked in with the Mutanimals. He should’ve called ahead and said hey I’m dropping by, any chance the brothers I’m kind of hiding from right now are around? Yes? Thanks, I’ll make sure to avoid them. It would have been just that easy, and yet- Mikey hadn’t done it. One stupid little step, just to make sure he wouldn’t come face to face with his brother.

He’s an idiot. A complete and utter moron.

Raph’s yelling has stopped, finally.

Mikey stays where he is, curled up tightly around his knees and staring at the window as he internally berates himself.

Mikey’s not sure if he actually breathing anymore.

He isn’t sure if he wants to.

The minutes without Raph’s yelling tick by, and slowly, Mikey unwinds enough to think outside his fear and self-incrimination.

That was too close. Way too close.

He’s a fucking idiot, running around blindly like there aren’t still people looking for him. He’s always too careless, too thoughtless. Just like his brothers always told him he was.

Mikey’s made up of too much stupid and not enough caution, and he almost blew everything. If Raph had caught him, then everything he and Donnie have been building up would’ve been ruined.

Such. An idiot.

Mikey lets his head fall back against the wall that’s decades older than himself, and shuts his eyes. Listening to everything around him, and waiting.

He doesn’t manage to move again for a long while. His legs won’t respond until he’s thoroughly, thoroughly sure that his brother is gone. And then it’s just him and his shitty thoughts, all the way home.

    He doesn’t go looking for Donnie when he gets back. April is gone, he knows that much from the absence of talking in the station, but he’s not going to go to his brother. Not yet.

He’s got enough voices telling him off for his dumbass mistake already, all up in his head where he can’t escape them.

A lot of them sound like his brothers.

Mikey slams his bedroom door, because he can and he feels like it and Donnie isn’t the type to go looking for reasons behind slamming doors. It’s just a sign of which part of the house you should be avoiding right then.

And that curdles Mikey’s stomach. The thought that even though they’re working so hard to change, he’s still using the same tactics they did at home. Still acting like their siblings.

Well, too late to un-slam it now. He’s already gone and done it. Just like he went and nearly got caught. Just two more mistakes he can’t take back.

His t-phone has been pinging with texts nonstop, one or two calls going straight to voicemail. Mikey doesn’t bother looking at the messages, and turns the thing off completely. It goes under the mattress right after.

He sits in his room, by his bed and with only one lamp on, and isn’t sure what to do next.

He has to tell Donnie. And even if he doesn’t, Donnie’s probably already gotten a rush of texts from one or both of their brothers about it. Donnie probably already knows, and is probably already angry at Mikey.

Well fuck him; Mikey’s already angry at himself. He doesn’t need anyone else yelling at him, because he’s got plenty in his head as is.

The anger bubbling in the back of his throat makes his head hurt, and Mikey shuts his eyes. He puts his head between his hands, and pushes hard against the sides of his skull. The dull buzz in it keeps up, and he just ends up feeling like he’s got a headache.

He drops his hands, and stares at the wall across from him. Shame and frustration join the anger, and he starts to feel twitchy.

He’s such a fucking idiot. He knew it before this, and he knows it even better now. The whole experience is just a repeat of every other fuck up Mikey’s ever made, and hey, it’s even worse this time because he’d been actively trying to not fuck up the last while.

Before he didn’t care. Because that was normal and he couldn’t escape it no matter what he tried. He cares a lot more now, because he likes not being yelled at all the time; likes not getting smacked over the head or insulted every time he so much as breathes.

He likes spending time with a brother that’s not constantly angry, or disappointed, or annoyed at him. One that doesn’t treat him like he’s useless or a hang on or just the moronic youngest brother that no one wants around.

But it looks like that’s about to change.

And maybe he deserves that, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate it.

Mikey’s hand brushes something hard and cold underneath his bed, and he looks down. The bottle of tequila, which he’d previously wrapped up in a wad of towel he’d left in his room, is peeking out from under its hiding space.

Mikey looks at it, and considers what he should do.

On impulse- because that’s all he ever does, acts on stupid stupid stupid impulses- he pulls it out and uncaps it.

If Donnie can drink, then so can he. And if his brother doesn’t like it, then whatever. Mikey’s already going to be in shit, so might as well add one more thing for Donnie to yell at him about.

The first sip makes him choke, because it tastes like the stuff he uses to clean the kitchen.

It burns all the way down, and Mikey coughs for a solid few seconds as his eyes water.

He takes another sip anyways.

Mikey drinks most of what was left in the bottle- which was a fair amount, considering how much Donnie and Casey had seemed to have drunk- and then sits in his room feeling even shittier than before.

It’s not fair. Why is that he’s the fuck up? He’s not the one who was always shouting at people or ordering them around. He’s not the one who put all his attention into two sons and not the others. He’s not the one who gave unsubtle looks of disappointment or slipped barbs into his words every time he spoke about one specific person. He’s not the one who hits people.

Mikey’s not the one at fault for all that stuff. He’s not the one who did all that. And what did he do to deserve all that shit anyways? When had he fucked up so horribly that no one could even talk to him anymore without insulting him?

Why did his brothers hate him so much? Mikey didn’t do anything wrong, he just is how he is and he can’t change that. Couldn’t then and can’t now and won’t, because what’s wrong with wanting to think about nicer stuff? What’s wrong with wanting to lighten the situation when everything is a great big pile shit constantly, and none of them have had a night without fighting in years?

What the hell is so wrong with Mikey that everything he says has to get shut down or ignored? At what point did everything he said just become nonsense to everyone else? At what point did he get designated as everyone’s verbal and physical punching bag?

Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Mikey’s head aches with all the fury he’s channeling, and he’s not sure when he left his room.

It figures that Donnie comes out of his lab, for once, just in time to meet Mikey in the hallway.

Donnie has his phone in his hands, and he looks up at Mikey with wide eyes. Mikey knows what Donnie’s going to say before he does, and Mikey glowers at his brother.

“You- you almost got caught?” Donnie asks, and they both know there’s no need to give context to that statement. Donnie’s lips go thin, and he closes a hand around his phone. “Mikey, that was way too close. Are you-”

“Shut up,” Mikey bites out, cutting his brother off from almost definitely saying ‘are you stupid?’ “I know already, don’t bother telling me off for it.” His head feels wrong and soupy with anger and alcohol, and he just doesn’t have any filter left. “Just- just leave me alone! I know I fucked up!”

Donnie looks at him, rising out of a half hunch. He spots the bottle Mikey had forgotten he was still clutching. “You’re drinking the tequila” Donnie says, lips tugging downwards, and there’s the disappointment Mikey was expecting. “Mikey, you shouldn’t be doing that. It’s-”

“It’s what?” Mikey barks, because he doesn’t care, he’s already going to be in trouble and he doesn’t care if he gets in more for talking back. “It’s stupid? Thanks, I kind of already knew that, so piss off!”

Donnie is looking at him with apprehension now, and slowly crossing his arms. “No, I was I going to say that it’s a depressant, and it’s not a good thing to be drinking when you’re not emotionally balanced. Mikey, that wasn’t a good idea.”

Mikey’s laughter comes out of his throat in a way that hurts, and he does not care. “You always say that about- about whatever I decide to do,” Mikey says, biting and furious and so far beyond giving a shit. “All of you do! You all just shit on me for everything I sug- suggest doing, and then you call me stupid for even thinking the ideas! So fuck you, fuck you and your long- long stupid words, I don’t give a shit anymore!”

Donnie’s eyes are wide, and his mouth has dropped open. “Mikey, is that what you think I’m-”

“I don’t care what you’re on about, I don’t care!” Mikey cuts him off, swinging his arm through the air in a harsh gesture. “None of you ever cared what I was on about, so why should I give a shit about you?”

Donnie’s arms come uncrossed, and Mikey takes a quick step backwards to get out of range. Bad idea, because everything tilts as he does, and he stumbles. Mikey feels that Donnie is still looking at him, and he knows if he looks back he’ll see disappointment, maybe annoyance, maybe any of the other countless looks his brothers always give him when he’s acting particularly stupid.

“Mikey, we should sit down,” Donnie says, slow and careful like he’s trying to explain things to Mikey in a way he’ll get it. Like he’s an idiot. “If you need to… talk about this, we should.”

“You never listen, none of you do,” Mikey mutters, and he, acting on impulse for the umpteenth time tonight, tries to bring the tequila to his lips.

Donnie’s hand stops his rising arm.

Mikey snarls, and yanks his hand away. Or, tries to, but Donnie’s hand has formed a vicelike grip on his arm and won’t let go.

“Mikey- Mikey stop and think for a second, this isn’t helping, you’re just making it worse-”

Always worse, he’s always just making it worse and screwing things up because he’s an IDIOT, because he can’t get anything RIGHT-

-never thinks never plans never does anything except make stupid stupid stupid mistakes-

-no wonder none of them wanted him around, they all think he’s useless and a nuisance and just plain stupid-

“Shut up!” Mikey shouts, yanking against Donnie’s grip again. He hates being held in place, he hates being held against his will, he hates it when people grab him like this because it’s always followed by a- “Let me go! You don’t- you don’t even care-”

“Mikey, just let me talk to you, we’ll- we just need to sit down, you’re not making any sense-”

“You always say that!” Mikey screams, still unable to free his arm, still stuck in place and unable to escape- “All of you! You- you all think I’m an idiot! I’m not; I’m not an idiot so stop talking to me like I am-”

Donnie’s hands grip tighter around Mikey’s arm, and just get tighter even as Mikey tugs and tugs and tugs to get away, and-

“Mikey- just listen for two seconds-”

-Mikey’s other arm is still free-

“-I’m just trying to help you-”

-and Donnie still won’t let go, and he’s still yelling everyone’s yelling and Mikey can’t get away.

He gives one last yank on his arm-

-it doesn’t come free-

-and he raises his other arm, and-

-Donnie’s voice and hands and everything too much too much-

-Mikey’s fist makes contact with Donnie’s cheek.

The tequila falls out of both their hands, and hits the floor with a dull thud. Its open top spills what was left of it onto the throw carpet they’d laid out in the hallway.

Its making the spot by Donnie’s feet wet. The spot where Donnie’s feet are, which lead up to his legs, which lead up to his shell-

-which is on the floor, because Mikey hit Donnie hard enough he fell over.

Everything slows down, as Donnie stares up at Mikey. Eyes wide with shock, and confusion, and hurt.

Mikey can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. His hand hurts and he can’t breathe.

Donnie slowly raises a shaking hand to his cheek, and blinks at the pain of touching it.

And Mikey-

Mikey howls.

He fucked up.

He fucked up he fucked up he fucked up he fucked up he fucked up hefuckeduphefuckeduphefuckeduphe is the fuck up-

Donnie’s eyes go even wider, and he struggles to stand up fast enough. “Mikey, Mikey no-”

Mikey stumbles back- out of range out of reach- and his scream cuts off as he does- shut up shut up no one wants to hear- and he runs.

His door slams behind him, and he locks it with numb fingers. Shaking fingers. Fingers that can make a fist that he used to hit his brother.

It’s not the same as training. It’s not the same because he’d done it outside the dojo, outside a spar, outside of a battle, during a real fight between them and with intent to hurt.

Donnie’s own fists hit the door the second he’s locked it, and Mikey hears the knob shake as his brother tries to get inside. Donnie is yelling and Mikey can’t hear any of it, his heart and mind already too loud as he backs away from the shuddering frame.

“Mikey- Mikey please, open the door. Open the door- I know you didn’t mean it, so please-”

Mikey shakes his head at the door, and keeps backing away until his shell hits the wall. He slowly, agonizingly slowly, sinks to the floor, and sits. And stares.

His hands are shaking still. He can still feel the impact of punching Donnie.

Mikey inhales sharply, and feels like something is cracking.

Nothing changed. He left with Donnie and tried to do better and nothing changed. He’s still a fuck up, they’re both still broken, and he hit his brother.

He got angry, and let his anger out, and someone got hurt.

Someone always gets hurt when anger is let out. Usually it’s Mikey who gets hurt. Usually it’s Raph who lets it out.

Mikey let go of his control, and Donnie got hurt.

He’s just like his brother. He’s just like Raph, except worse, because Mikey was actually trying.

And Mikey feels sick.

“Mikey! MIKEY! Open the door! God damn it- OPEN THE DOOR-”

Mikey puts his hands over his mouth, and feels burning tears spill out of his eyes.

Donnie’s wide and hurt eyes play through his mind again, and a choked sob finds its way up his throat.

“Please, oh god, please open the door Mikey. Please, please open the door-”

Mikey can’t move and won’t let himself move.

He’s not opening that door. He’s not opening it or exposing Donnie to- to Mikey again.

Donnie’s stopped banging on the door, and there’s nothing making sound anymore except for Mikey’s hyperventilation.

He still can’t breathe. He’s sucking in air and he still can’t breathe.

There’s nothing except that for a long, long moment, and then Donnie’s cracking voice comes through the door again.

“Mikey, please. Open the door. I’m- I’m scared of what you’re thinking right now. Please… I know you di-didn’t mean it-”

Donnie’s voice breaks and Mikey feels something in him do the same.

“…oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing. Fuck- Mikey, I know you didn’t mean to. I’m so- I’m so sorry I held onto you like that, I-I-I was panicking, and you were upset and I… I didn’t know what else to do, Mikey…”

Mikey stifles a sob, and feels like he’s swimming in guilt. Drowning in it.

“You’re not an idiot, I nev- I wouldn’t- I’m sorry, Mikey. Oh god I’m so sorry. Please, please open the door. Please…”

Donnie is crying. He’s crying and it’s a sound Mikey never, ever wanted to hear again.

“...I’m sorry… Mikey, I’m so sorry… please open the door… I’m sorry…”

Mikey can’t take hearing that, can’t take hearing the hopeless desperation Donnie has in his voice. He just can’t.

He’s already done too much damage as it is.

Somehow, somehow, Mikey drags himself towards the door on numb legs, and fumbles with the lock.

He gets it open, and Donnie is there. Standing and staring, and blinking thick tears out of his eyes.

Mikey’s own tears respond in sympathy, and fall down to dampen his mask even more. “I’m sorry,” He says, hoarse and shaking and so, so sorry. His breathing hitches and he feels himself crumpling. “ ‘m sorry.”

Donnie takes a sharp inhale, and the sound conveys so many things all at once, emotions and thoughts and actions-

-and then he grabs Mikey in a hug.

Mikey’s arms, without his permission, grab Donnie back and don’t let go.

They take a few stumbling steps backwards, and somehow make it to the floor against the hallway wall. It’s just the two of them tangled together, stubbornly stupidly refusing to let go of each other. There’s no one else here to see anything, or make judgements, or be angry at anyone.

It’s just them, and Mikey’s big brother is still holding onto him like a lifeline that’ll disappear the moment he lets it.

And Mikey sobs.

 He mashes his face into Donnie’s neck and shoulder and sobs. Because he’s so sorry, he’s so so so sorry. He didn’t mean to, he didn’t want to, he’d never do that- except he did and he’s sorry-

“Shh, shh shh shh, it’s okay, Mikey its okay, I’m fine it’s fine-”

-he’s not him, he’s not him-

“You’re not, Mikey you’re not Raph, you’re just-”

-no he worse he’s a fuck up that none of them ever wanted, ever liked, ever loved-

“-you’re not, you’re not a fuck up. I- I love you and you’re not a- shh shh shh, you’re not, I swear you’re not. Mikey, Mikey look at me, look at me.”

Donnie’s hands turn Mikey’s face upwards, and for a moment Mikey’s instincts scream at the sudden touch, but it’s just Donnie. It’s Donnie. And his brother is looking at him with nothing but concern and grief and love.

“Mikey, you’re not- you’re not stupid, or a fuck up, or-” Donnie breaks off, blinking gloss out of his eyes. “-or unwanted. You’re my brother and I love you, I’ve always loved you. Every- every damn second of our lives, I’ve loved you and I never felt otherwise.”

Mikey stares at his brother, trying to process the words Donnie is saying. “Then why-” Mikey’s voice breaks and his eyes blur even worse. “-then why did you always- always call me an idiot, or- or stupid, or tell you didn’t want me- me anywhere n-near you-” He can’t see anything at all and everything hurts. “-why did all of you say that you didn’t want me-”

Mikey’s voice gives out, and he starts sobbing again. Thick and horrible tears rolling down into his mask that he shoves out of the way to mash at his eyes and wipe away his stupid, stupid weakness-

-and Donnie’s arms just pull him closer.

Mikey just sobs harder, words and thoughts tumbling out as he cries. And Donnie just keeps holding him.

His brother is making shushing sounds, running a hand up and down Mikey’s shell while he does. Mikey thinks his brother is saying things like “I always wanted you” and “I’m sorry” and “Mikey, I love you, I love you-” but Mikey’s head and heart are too loud to let anything real come through.

Mikey just keeps crying and crying and crying. Until he’s done.

Then they sit there, cramped in a desperate two way clutch. Mikey’s vision finally clears itself, and his head and eyes and pretty much everything else hurt.

He can see the spilled tequila, all the way at the end of the hall. And then he feels sick again.

Distantly, he feels Donnie’s arms tighten around him again as his breath hitches in a half sob.

Even more distantly, Mikey thinks about how none of his family has done this is years. He loves Leatherhead, downright adores his friend, but it’s not the same as getting a cuddle from his brothers. From his father.

Mikey doesn’t remember the last time his dad even hugged him.

That brings another fresh wave of grief and anger and sorrow up from his core, and Mikey shudders as he tries to shove it all back down. “Why didn’t- why didn’t dad- why didn’t he love me?” Mikey chokes out. “Why didn’t any of you love me? Al-always calling me stupid, or- or telling me to leave, or saying you didn’t want me around- and he never- he didn’t even expect me to do well at anything, he just- just waited all the time for me to fail-”

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Donnie says, low and fast, clutching Mikey closer. “But I’m sorry. Mikey, I’m so, so sorry. You’re great. You’re amazing. You’re smart and good and I love you, okay? Don’t think otherwise. Please, please don’t think otherwise. I can’t- I don’t- I don’t know what to do, Mikey. I’m- I’m just sorry and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Donnie presses a kiss to Mikey’s forehead, a gesture he barely feels, and his brother says “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Mikey-” in a hushed voice, like it’s a prayer. Donnie says it again and again, and Mikey just turns his head into his brother’s shoulder and lets himself be held.

They don’t leave the hallway for a long time.

    “…I had a handle on it,” Mikey says, hours later and with a voice that hurts. Shame is still running a throbbing tempo behind his eyes, in pulse with his headache. “I. I don’t like being angry. I don’t even like having anger; let alone… talking about it.”

Donnie’s quiet presence, on the other end of the couch, leaves the air open for Mikey to continue. And he does. “It’s… it’s nasty, and it makes me feel gross, and…” Mikey blinks away memories that rise up. Memories from before they’d left. “People get hurt when you- when you let it out. ‘s why I never do. And besides… Raph’s the angry one. I’m the… stupid one.”

“You’re not, though,” Donnie says, and that’s one of the few things he’s said while Mikey gets things out. “You’re just as smart as the rest of us, and Raph’s just an asshole.”

Mikey scoffs. “Not as smart as you.”

“That’s-” Donnie sighs, and shifts his position on the couch. “That’s different. We went over that already.”

Mikey ducks his head, and can’t look at his brother. Another thought rises up in him, and he speaks it. “How come you didn’t talk to me about…” Mikey waffles between how he should address their deceased parent. Splinter? Sensei? Whatever. “…our father. How come you talked to Casey and April, but not… me.”

Donnie is quiet for too long, and Mikey’s stomach twists. He knew it, he knew it- “It’s because you don’t think I’m smart enough to get it, right?”

“Wha- no!” Donnie exclaims, starting out of his silence. Mikey still won’t look at him, even as his brother moves closer. “Mikey, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about that. I- I just- Casey made me, okay? And April is… April. She asked, and he forced me to, and it’s just…” Donnie seems to search for the right words, for once, and it takes another beat before he does. “It’s just different with them, alright? And it’s nothing to do with you. It was just… easier, somehow. And… truthfully, I never wanted any of you to know what I thought about our father. Especially you, Mikey.”

“…why especially me?” Mikey asks warily. He’s not sure if he wants to hear the answer, or any of the following insults.

“Mikey, could you look at me?”

Mikey lifts his head slowly, and cautiously meets his brother’s eyes. Donnie looks tired, red eyed in a different way than normal. But he’s also giving a weakly encouraging smile.

“I didn’t want you to know especially… because you were the only brother I had left,” Donnie says, and his smile nearly slips for a moment, in turn with the flash of regret and grief in his eyes. “I didn’t want to- to tell you what I’d caused, if you hadn’t figured it out already, because I didn’t want to lose you too. I- I thought if I told you, you’d… stop wanting to be here with me.”

Mikey blinks, and finds himself shaking his head in jerky shakes. “No- no I’d- I wouldn’t leave you, Dee,” Mikey says, because he wouldn’t, not now not ever- “I wouldn’t do that.”

They’ve already lost so many people; he couldn’t turn his back on Donnie now.

“I know,” Donnie says, wincing in on himself. “But tell that to my anxiety.”

A part of Mikey knows he’s supposed to laugh a bit at that, maybe crack a joke of his own… but he’s all out of that stuff right now. He’s too tired.

He can do something else, though.

“I don’t blame you,” Mikey says, abruptly enough that Donnie seems confused for a second. He pushes on anyways. “I don’t blame you for Splinter dying, or what happened to our family. So don’t think I do, or ever would.”

Donnie just stares at him for a long breath, and then his shoulders slowly slump. In relief, not despair. It’s so much better than the slump he has when he’s given up.

“Okay,” Donnie says, and Mikey can hear the resounding relief in his brother’s voice. Donnie nods his head, and blinks away wetness in his eyes. “Okay. Thank- thank you, Mikey.”

The last part comes out as a whisper, and Mikey nods slowly. He thinks Donnie is also exhausted from all the emotional feelings talk, and Mikey is right there with him. No more of that tonight.

“Can we just make dinner and go to bed now?” Mikey asks, wondering vaguely if he’ll be told off for changing the subject to food. “I think I’m all talked out.”

“You? Talked out? I never thought I’d see the day,” Donnie says with a soft laugh, only for it cut off when he sees how Mikey is shrinking on himself.

“Yeah, ha, I never do shut up, do I?” Mikey mumbles. Always talking, always rambling, always going on and on about things no one even listens to him say…

“That’s not what I meant,” Donnie says, and his hand reaches out to grab at Mikey’s- only for it to stop just before touching. Hovering there. Donnie looks at Mikey, and Mikey hears the silent question.

Mikey opens his hand, and lifts it to meet Donnie’s. Their hands clasp together tightly, and Donnie says, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be mean. I won’t say it again.”

“…thanks,” Mikey says, swallowing down his tremulous thoughts and emotions.

Donnie’s hand tightens around his, and slowly pulls Mikey close enough for a hug. Mikey lets himself be pulled over, and wraps his arms around Donnie as his brother does the same to Mikey.

“I think that food idea is a good one,” Donnie says after a beat. “I’m pretty hungry, actually. I don’t think I ate tonight at all.”

Mikey scoffs quietly, and thumps his head against Donnie’s shoulder. “You suck at taking care of yourself, Dee. Gonna waste away one of these days.” Mikey knows that one is toeing the line, because they don’t need to actually say it to both know that if they’d stayed in the lair… there would’ve been a real chance of that happening.

Mikey hugs his brother a little tighter, and tries to push away that image.

“Mgh, don’t I know it,” Donnie mutters. He turns his head, and Mikey feels a soft kiss to his forehead. “Think instant noodles and easy vegetables would be good? I don’t have enough energy for real cooking.”

“Sounds good to me,” Mikey agrees, and he starts to pull away from their hug. Donnie stops him though, with a gentle grip on Mikey’s shoulders. Mikey glances up, and meets his brother’s eyes again.

“For the record, and from now on,” Donnie says, strong voiced and with certainty. “I don’t think you’re stupid, and I’m never calling you that again. Ever. As far as I’m concerned, the word is gone from my vocabulary now and forever.”

That startles a laugh out of Mikey. “Now that is just stupid,” Mikey says, disbelief and some kind of achy emotion running through him. “You can’t just delete that word; you use it on, like, half the problems we deal with.”

“I can and will and have,” Donnie says stubbornly. Then, tone shifting to something softer, “Mikey, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Particularly with how I treated you. I need to make up for it, and if giving up one word that’s done more damage than I ever thought it would is something that’ll help, then I’ll give it up and never say it again for the rest of my life.” He smiles, and there’s a hint of humor to the expression. “Besides, when have you ever known me to go halfway with anything? It’s all or nothing here, and I’m going to give my all.”

Oh.

Mikey can’t find a response to that. He can’t do anything other than nod shakily as something warm and painful and loving fills up his chest, and nearly makes him start crying again.

Scratch that, he already is.

“Oh, Mikey,” Donnie says gently, and wraps Mikey in another hug. “Shhhh, it’s okay. Just let it out, it’s okay.”

Mikey sniffles pathetically, and hides in his brother’s shoulder for a while longer. He stifles the last of his tears, and somehow pulls everything back together enough to push past the old pains and breaks in himself, to look at the new things taking their place. The warm things brought to life by having his brother say that he’s sorry, and that he’ll do anything to fix what’s happened to Mikey, and how Mikey now feels like he really matters. To Donnie. Like he’s not just the brother their family never wanted, or the screw up youngest no one ever listened to. He feels like he’s loved.

It’s not a feeling he ever wants to lose again, and he tries to say that, only for it to come out incoherent and rambly. Donnie just shushes him and says he knows, he knows and they won’t. Never again.

No more hurting and being hurt.

No more.

    The tequila bottle is smashed with vigor and vengeance. Mikey whoops as he hears the glass shatter against the wall of the tunnel. It’s a good sound.

“I am never letting Jones anywhere near us with that toxic liquid ever again,” Donnie says in a matter of fact tone, accompanied with a disgusted sniff. “It brings nothing but misery and tears to anyone who drinks it.”

“True that,” Mikey says, hands on his hips and feeling much better just for that small act of destruction. Sometimes, he supposes, anger is allowed out if you do it right.

As he has come to discover- and is no longer allowed to ignore- bottling it all up and not speaking about it all just makes things ten times worse than they need to be.

He and Donnie had a talk about that. A very long talk. A talk that took all night and well into the day, mixed in with all the nasty things Mikey has been keeping locked up inside and pretending didn’t exist.

It’d felt like pouring murky water out into the open, filled with all the rotting thoughts Mikey had inside him. All the emotions and memories he’s been ignoring for so long.

Donnie hadn’t had answers for some of them. The ones about their dad and why he never seemed to expect anything of Mikey at all, and the ones about Raph and Leo and why they always treated Mikey like a useless piece of junk no one wanted.

He’d had some though. Mostly for himself, and those answers were mostly apologies.

Mikey countered a lot of the apologies with his own, or insistences that that specific moment or interaction he had been an idiot, or annoying, or was just being a general fuck up-

But Donnie had very, very sternly told him to shut up when he tried that, and to stop saying those things.

“And that includes thinking those things, Mikey,” Donnie had said, still stern. “If I’m not allowed to think shitty things about myself, then neither are you.”

Mikey had tried to counter that, but hadn’t been able to.

Well, no harm in that. If they’re instating a ‘no shitty thoughts about yourself’ rule, then it’s a good one. Mikey even wrote it onto the fridge whiteboard, displayed with their other new rules.

Most of them are about minding each other’s spaces and needs, and some are about which subjects have to be talked about specifically. They’re both guilty of bottling things up, and whoops, looks like they’ll have to police one another about doing so.

Mikey doesn’t mind that rule too much, and Donnie doesn’t either.

It’s a good rule. It’s a rule that makes sure they communicate when they’re feeling particularly bad, and makes sure they go to one another for support for those moments.

Donnie hasn’t made fun of Mikey’s issues once the whole while. Even when Mikey started talking about the dumb nightmares he gets, Donnie had listened intently, and given nothing but reassurances afterwards. No mockery in sight.

Mikey still catches himself waiting for a verbal or physical blow sometimes, but that’s getting to be less and less. He kinda hopes it’ll be not at all sometime soon.

Everything else is great though! They’re both talking and spending time together, they’ve got awesome friends who are doing everything they can to support the two of them, and they’ve got a home all to themselves; one that’s full of plants that make everything smell great and furniture they picked out themselves and new memories they’re building together.

Now that Mikey has most of his anger out, (most, because he doesn’t think he’ll ever get it all out), and his skull isn’t buzzing with repressed emotions all the time, he thinks it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long, long time.

All good things! He’d like it if things would stay that way, at least for a while.

He’s tired of fighting. Tired of dealing with one crisis after another. They had a talk about that too, about being tired of things like that. And about why Mikey suddenly couldn’t control himself so well anymore. Why all the anger came crawling out, even though he’d put so much work into pushing it all down.

Funny thing about trauma, if you stand still long enough for it to catch up, it will. And then the whole game changes.

No more war means no more distractions, and that means they can’t ignore the things that happened over the years any longer. Kind of hard to do that when there’s nothing left to deal with, other than the pieces leftover.

Emotionally speaking, they’re both kind of really fucked up. Mentally speaking too. It’s going to be a long time before that’s not a thing anymore.

But whatever, they’ll get through it. They always do, so why would this be any different? Especially since they’re both going to do their absolute best to be the support they need.

It’s just them now. No dad, no big brothers. They’ve got friends but it’s just not the same.

They’ll figure this out, through talking and googling things and making a lot of tea and popcorn for movie marathons. All good ways of figuring out why something hurts so much, and then moving away from the hurt.

They’ve got this. They’re the B-team- and that’s their name now, not their brothers’ for them, they’re taking it back and making it their own- and they’ve totally got this.

They’ve got each other, and they’re not letting go of that.

Mikey skips back into the station, because he can and no one will make fun of him for doing so, and heads towards the kitchen to grab a couple sodas. Donnie’s setting up the TV for another movie night, because they don’t have training and don’t want to do training anymore. They can decide what they want to do and no one else gets a say in it.

It’s a pretty awesome feeling, that one. Sure they got all sorts of unresolved issues still hanging in the background, but freedom still tastes like freedom and Mikey loves it.

Mikey opens the fridge, grabbing the six-pack of mini-Sprites they nabbed from the grocers the other day. And of course, he pops open the freezer to get kitty from her home. No way could he forget the third member of their household on a movie night.

Ice cream kitty mrowrowrow’s at him as he takes her out, and it’s a bit of a challenge to balance her while she squirms in her newest bowl. He keeps her steady though, and heads back out through the drapes with the first round of snacks for him and Donnie.

“You ready? I’m so hyped to see this movie,” Mikey says as he sets kitty on the coffee table. Said coffee table has taken a couple beatings lately, and he pats a couple scuff marks on its surface. Good coffee table, great job keeping up with their emotional drama. He should get it a doily as reward.

Donnie isn’t answering him, intently focusing on his phone as he stands motionless by the TV. Mikey’s own phone has remained under his mattress since he put it there, so Donnie’s been the only one seeing the messages from their brothers.

“Donnie?” Mikey asks, standing up straighter. “Hey, something wrong?”

Donnie finally hears him, and looks up from his t-phone.

Mikey’s good cheer disappears when he sees the expression on Donnie’s face.

“Mikey,” Donnie says, breathless and quiet. “We have to go back. It’s Raph.”

Continuation.

#These Days tag #my writing #michelangelo #Donatello #b-team babes #with special guest april #plus leatherhead and his adopted child mondo #and also a side of mr murakami (who ive missed dearly) #also someone else but i won't mention him here #tmnt #TMNT 2012 #did you think i'd give donnie one huge chapter and leave mikey with only fifteen pages to his emotional problems? #nah son #i would never #they both deserve time to hash out their individual issues #and that includes these ones

[get-a-new-lease-on-life]

A New Lease on Life - Prologue

---------------

Prologue

---------------

Amber O'Brien died with one regret: she never found love worth living for. Then she woke up in another world, on April’s sofa, with a big fat purple dragon tattoo in her cleavage and a major ‘dying’ hangover. Stuck with PTSD and in a body not her own, she searches for answers and strength. Things are rarely what they seem, and love never comes easy. Slow burn, multipart, Donnie/OC-centric, NOT self-insert.

So…this has already been uploaded on FFnet and AO3 for quite some time now, but I haven’t uploaded much of it to Tumblr yet. Thinking I may need to fix that. Currently, the story’s nearing the end of Part III so you’ve got a ways to read before running out and having to wait for updates - sweet, right? I’ll be queuing the finished chapters for automatic posting, but please be patient with me while I work out the formatting differences for this site.

Just a quick note before beginning the chapter: Main pairings are Donatello/OC and Raphael/OC, and minor canon pairings are Leonardo/OC and Michelangelo/OC. The story starts off a bit slow but once you’ve gotten past the setup chapters - I believe the first five or so…? - it picks up steadily. If you enjoy this story, feel free to reblog, comment, whatever you want - it really makes my day.

TRIGGER WARNING: Panic attacks.

Check out the official “A New Lease on Life, Part I” Playlist!

Suggested Listening: The Rasmus “In the Shadows”

Begin PART I: Time to Burn

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        Prologue  

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        New York City, January 27th, 2016

“Don’t even think about it, Mikey.” Right on cue, a loud splash sounded some distance down the tunnel, followed by Raphael sputtering angrily. Donatello smiled despite himself, certain water balloons had been involved. As the two troublemakers wrestled in the gravel and debris lining the empty rail bed, Leonardo approached the brother silently studying a map projected over his arm.

“Where does he hide those, anyway?” Leo joked as he fell into step beside him. “I could’ve sworn he used the last one up three tunnels back.”

“Apparently not,” Don replied, scanning the walls for telltale signs that they were on the right path. Familiar graffiti and discreet markings in the concrete were as useful as any map when you knew the tunnels like they did. “At least he’s occupied, right? We’re almost there anyway.”

The night before had been interrupted by a sudden blaring alarm from the security system indicating that movement had been detected in an abandoned subway station about a mile from the lair. Though nothing was ever visible on the cameras, that alarm sounded several more times that night and throughout the morning. By the time noon rolled around everyone was quite fed up with it and Donatello, frustrated at what was likely a bug in the systems, packed up to lead the team out in search of the problem.

“This is it,” he remarked as they neared their turnoff. The City Hall subway station had been long abandoned but was always a sight to see. As his brothers crept along silently behind him, he inched up the corridor, scouting for heat sources with his goggles. As he’d expected, it was completely vacant.

“So,” Mikey asked brightly. “If the coast is clear, can we go home now? I don’t wanna miss Glee.” With a wary cringe, Raph edged away mumbling under his breath about something being contagious.

“Not yet, Mikey,” Leo answered. “Not 'til Donnie figures out what set the systems off.” With a mumbled 'Bummer,’ Mikey slumped over to the breakerbox on a nearby wall and switched on the lights. Dim yellowed light flooded the once beautiful room, Green and ivory tile gleaming beneath years of filth. Don hastened to a bronze placard to inspect the hidden security camera he’d installed there years before. With a loose brick removed, the answer was clear.

“Mystery solved,” he remarked dryly when a few wires fell out completely. Damaged, disconnected output wires couldn’t transmit video. He deftly repaired the connection with practiced ease; if the camera picked up anything, he’d be able to see it when they returned.

“Uh…guys?” Leo ground out, backing away from a rubbish heap in the corner. “We’ve got company!” Three pairs of eyes snapped to the shifting garbage, and Donatello realized his heat sensors missed something. A body lay curled up in the rubbish pile shivering violently. The other three hung back nervously as he hurried to the person’s side running health diagnostics on them the whole way. The woman was scantily clothed, only a few degrees from hypothermia, and from the looks of it, halfway unconscious…and strangely familiar, though he shoved that thought away.

“Not good,” Donnie exclaimed as he dug through his pack for his medkit and the foiled emergency blanket. “She must’ve wandered in last night, setting off the alarms! With that little clothing on, she’s lucky she didn’t freeze to death!” The telltale rumble of a passing train sounded nearby as he wrapped her tightly in the foil-lined blanket, and everything went to Heck in a handbasket. Without warning her eyes flew wide open and terrified screams shattered the air; unseeing moss green eyes stared up at the intricately tiled ceiling as she scrambled out of the blanket and back to her corner. Still shrieking and sobbing she fell to her side in a fetal position, clutching her hands over her neck and shaking violently.

“Well, dere ya go, Donnie,” Raph grumbled. “Junkie on a bad trip set off ya sensors.” He cringed as yet another terrified wail ripped from her lungs. Donatello shook his head emphatically as he yanked his goggles back up.

“No, she’s clean!” he protested at top speed as he dug through his bag again. “I’m not picking up even traces of anything—alcohol, heroin, marijuana, not even tobacco!—her heartrate’s through the roof and her adrenaline levels are spiking rapidly! Leo, hold her down!” While Leo and Mikey restrained the thrashing woman screeching unintelligibly, Don injected a sedative into her bare arm. Bit by bit her cries turned to groans and sobs; bit by bit, she fell limp in their grip.

Finally, all was still. A quick scan told Don her vitals were returning to normal and the fit had raised her core temperature a little. If the sensors had been set off by fits like that one, he supposed, it explained how she’d survived the cold night. Despite himself he brushed a lock of bright red hair away from her closed eyes; it was dyed, of course, and he couldn’t help wondering what the natural color was. Silently reminding himself of his task he wrapped her up again and hoisted her into his arms; across the chamber, Raph startled.

“Wait a sec,” he muttered stalking over. “I seen'er before…she—”

“—needs help,” Leo cut him off, retrieving her glasses from the rubbish heap. “Regardless of who or what she is, we can’t just leave her down here. It’s January—she’ll freeze to death!” As the two butted heads, Don shifted her to his shoulder in a fireman’s carry and dug out his phone. After all, April had never refused to help them, yet.

Prologue chapter is short. Rest of them? NOT short, averaging 7-12 pages apiece. Consider the short chap an appetizer.

UP NEXT: Amber or Kimber?

Chapter List

#Non-Sue OCs #fanfiction #ptsd #tmnt #Ninja Turtles #M-rated #teenage mutant ninja turtles #donatello #plot twists #hurt/comfort #mature fanfiction #Get-a-new-lease-on-life #drama with a happy ending #Raphael #leonardo #michelangelo #donnie/oc #raph/oc #Leo/OC #Mikey/OC #romance #Drama #A New Lease on Life #ANLoL #TMNT Fanfiction

[spectrumscribe]

... do you have an avengers/marvel au?

I sadly cannot reply that I don’t. will the AU’s ever stop? my intuition says no.

So I made this AU a while back, and only ever spoke to mypartner about it, but well-

Y’all are asking, so here we go.

Now I know you’re all expecting my to name each of the kidsoff as already canon characters in the Marvel universe, but what would thefun be in that?

Basically, I made a whole new branch of origins for thekids, relating to the weapon-X program. The four boys + April were made/raisedas subjects there until they were about thirteen, and April grew powerfulenough to bust them out. The five of them are all artificially created mutants,designed to be future super soldiers. The specific designs of the boys weremore so aimed at becoming black-ops/assassins, while April was designed formass destruction.

Of course, what sort of plan like that doesn’t goawry? Especially when you load up a bunch of severely abused kids with superpowers, and think you can keep them locked up forever.

I lost my notes I made for this AU, but essentially each kidwas given a specialty power, in addition to their base abilities of enhancedstrength/speed/endurance/etc.

And, because I love all my followers, I spent a bunch of time typing up everything I could remember, and then expanded on it to make a semi-coherent response to this ask.

(read more below, because this gets long.)

Leo had something akin to super speed, but itsince he was the prototype of the batch, so to speak, the speed came at aprice. His whole body speeds up when he uses the ability, (mind, heart, lungs,etc), and it’s really taxing to use for long periods of time.Using it too long results in him passing out, and he has the weakest immunesystem out of the five since he burns through calories/energy so quickly. 

If he pushed himself to hard, there’s a good chance he’dcrash from heart failure. Which is why they created more subjects, since thefirst one was a success only in some areas.

Raph was the next one, and he was givensomething close to super strength. He’s crazy strong, and pretty much nearindestructible to most attacks. Of course, draw back to messing so much withhis body chemistry to mesh the foreign DNA of some mutant, is that he’s got anuncontrollable rage mode.

 A super strong, nearly unstoppable ball of rage is nogood if you can’t control him; and once Raph gets past a certain point, noteven the shock collar/ingrained command codes from their handlers can getthrough to him, and he’ll keep going until he burns out. He’s nearindestructible, but not completely. Without the ability to control hisemotions, he’s an easy target if you know how to get past his defenses in afight. Another failure in a number of ways.

Donnie came into the project third, and wasgiven electrical powers. In this story, it’s not really testable to see if hisgenius is innate, or a side effect of his specialty powers, but it’s there andthe scientists use it to their advantage. Donnie has the most implants in himtoo, in his brain and body both, so he can mentally/physically hook himselfinto power grids and computers through his internally generated electricalfield. (He also has the ability to shoot ranged electricity attacks at people,but it has drawbacks that are listed below.)

It’s handy, but tricky to use, since it leaves his bodyunguarded while he goes into the system. Another trick to his powers is thatDonnie both generates his own electricity and draws in ambient energy, and whenhe doesn’t have an outlet to discharge at… well, there’s a lot of boom involved.When an overcharge happens, it knocks Donnie flat on his back until his bodyrecharges to the right levels, and leaves him completely useless until then. Itdoesn’t help either that the way they’ve messed with his brain futzes hischemical balances, plus the added abuse and all that, and has resulted in himbeing a sparky, highly anxious snarl of paranoia. He’s too unstable to beproperly used in the field, and thus, another failure.

Mikey is unfortunately the only one they gotright, out of the specific designs for him and his brothers. Instead of goingfor hyper specialisation, the scientists decided to give Mikey an even mix ofeverything they’d tried (and failed) to create in the other boys. Thus, he isthe perfect super soldier, created from trial and error. Strong, fast, andsmart. 

Best yet, he’s the only one with complete programming. Theysay jump, and he’ll already know exactly how high. It’s quite fucked up, andaround the time they escaped, Mikey was slated for a final procedure that wouldremove his access to his full personality; which would have left him thesoulless killer he’d been designed to be. Had Mikey’s procedure been completed,he would have likely become the most efficient, and terrifying, assassin thatmoney could buy. Very few people or heroes would have stood a chance ofstopping him. That world is very, very lucky they busted out when they did.

April was a different branch of experimentation,seeing as she was designed for widespread destruction and not killing specifictargets. Her abilities are basically of those in TMNT 2012, though with theaddition of telepathic abilities closer in nature to Jean Grey (Gray??) becauseshe may or may not be where they got the DNA from.

April is by far the most powerful mutant the programcreated, and thus the one with the most suppressants put on her. Not enoughsuppressants, it seems, or isolation from the other subjects; since she bondswith the four boys, plus another subject, and plots to escape with them. Whenthey do, it’s because April knocks out every guard and scientist in thefacility, and the boys plus the much older subject named Leatherhead bust outof their containment, and retrieve April as they go.

Now, Leatherheadin this AU was a grown man when he entered the program, following promises thatwere similar to what Deadpool was given. He’s former military too. He ends up asa crocodile mutant too in this AU; basically an advancement of the minormutation he had prior to the program, which had only made his skin tougher andhis teeth a little snaggly.

He’s hecka durable, and can take/deal more than a littledamage, and was basically used as a test dummy for how the five kids wouldreact to social-ish situations. Leatherhead is a kind soul, despite being avery violent person, and essentially tried to act as much of a parental figureas he could for these heavily damaged kids. In turn, Leatherhead is the onlyadult the five of them have ever trusted, and love him quite dearly. (I shouldwrite something for this AU, if only for papadile snuggles with his five kids.)

And from here on out Iproceed to babble a lot about my AU’s plotline, because I can and I feel likesharing it. Prepare for info dumping.

So following them attempting/succeeding to escape, shit goeswrong, and April + Leatherhead get separated from the boys. Since none of themcan risk hanging around, what with military crawling everywhere, they have tocut their losses and hope that they all make it out safely. Around that time,two individual plot lines form for the two groups. The boys end up strugglingto make their way to- somewhere, they don’t know where but anywhere but here- while Leatherhead and April do the same. April’spowers aren’t used to being unsuppressed, and she’s struggling to hold ittogether, and Leatherhead is a highly visible mutant. They go into hiding, andtry to lay low until they can figure things out.

Around that time, they end up picking a hiding place thathappens to be close to a certain plucky puck-head’s home, and because April can’tstay inside all day, she ends upmeeting Casey at a playground. April doesn’t look like a normal kid; dirty,pale, and has a shaved head, but Casey takes to her anyways, because she’s totally metal, and can levitate stuffall around the playground.

He convinces her to let him meet her ‘dad’ (which isbasically what Leatherhead is to her at this point) and it goes… interestingly.After a lot of headache on LH’s part, Casey is accepted into their small groupand makes himself as home. Better to be hanging in April’s sewer home than hisown, since the Jones’ household isn’t exactly a happy one in this AU.

It takes a bit, but once Leatherhead and April figure outwhy Casey has so many bruises all the time, they’re not exactly okay aboutletting him go home. In the end, when LH is anxious to move them again, sinceauthority in the area is getting suspicious of the grocery store break-ins,they offer to take Casey with them. Leatherhead knows he won’t be able toprovide exactly the best for Casey, but he doesn’t want to leave the kid withhis dad anymore.

(Casey’s little sister was born just before the divorce hisparents went through, and he lives alone with his dad. His mom doesn’t know howthings have degraded in the Jones home, and LH isn’t even sure how he’d tellher. He’s a giant crocodile, wanted by the government. There isn’t much he cando other than offer this.)

Casey is very close with LH and April by this point, andwith a choice between staying in an unloving, abusive home, or going with hisawesome mutant friends- it’s not even a hard decision. Casey joins their merryband, and because April has recovered/learned to control her abilities better, theystart heading towards the United States. Following the feeling that April has,saying that that’s where the boys are.

Back to the other half of the story line, the four boys wentthrough a long series of tumultuous adventures before they ended up in America.The smartest move they could make was to get out of the jurisdiction of the Canadiangovernment, and so off they went. It was hard, since they were A) completelynew to being outside, B) hyper paranoid, and rightly so, about someone findingthem as they hitchhiked along train lines, and C) really, really scared aboutwhat they were supposed to do now.

Also, because they have no immune system at all, and no cluehow to feed themselves properly, they got sick on and off as they went. EspeciallyLeo. By the time they reached New York City, Leo was pretty much incoherent andunresponsive; burning up and delirious as anything. It’s basically the scariestthing any of them have ever had to deal with, and none of them know what to do. Medical training wasn’t exactly apriority during their programming, and they can’t exactly go to a hospital; someonewill find them if they do, and they are nevergoing back to the program. It’s a unanimous decision that no matter whathappens, they’d rather die than go back to that.

Thankfully, as they’re fumbling their way through thestreets of New York with a very sick kid, a passing telepath hears the franticdesperation of their thoughts, and decides they should check things out. RachelSummers is with a group of older students from the Jean Grey School for higherlearning, and she and some of the other chaperones break off from the group tofollow the distressed thoughts of the young mutants she’s sensing.

It’s a big mess, trying to corral and convince the fourboys, but after a brief fight and some telepathic communicating, the X-men talkthe boys down, and get them to come back to the school with them. Leo is inneed of some serious medical attention, and it’s either let him possibly die ortrust these adults who have powers like them. (They liken the X-men toLeatherhead, who they miss very deeply, and figure if LH was safe… maybe thesepeople are too?)

After that, it’s a lot of them healing and trying to figureout how to function outside a lab. And, the adults of the school trying to helpthem do that, as bumpy as that journey ends up being. The boys have a lot oftriggers, a lot of trauma, and very little trust in anyone other than eachother. It’s a long, long time before they’re comfortable with anyone at theschool, but they get there slowly.

Sometime later, after trekking across a whole continent tofind them, Leatherhead and his two rambunctious kids (Casey helped draw out April’shumor and mischievousness) manage to arrive at the school, and it’s a verytouching reunion as the groups come together again. The boys were fairlycertain Leatherhead and April were dead, and it’s pretty much the most amazing revelationever to find out that they aren’t. Casey is treated with suspicion for a bit-and with jealousy, because April and Leatherhead were theirs first not Casey’s-but that’s resolved fairly quickly, and the group settles together again.

Somewhere in here, we have Yoshi, a martial arts instructorat the school, (yes he is a giant rat mutant), and Karai, his daughter, who isa bit older than the six kids. (She is a snake mutant, and stubbornly proud ofher early mutation.) As the boys + April become accustomed to the school, Karaibefriends them through steady effort and teasing, and joins their tightly knitsocial group. Somewhere in here as well is Shinigami, probably with the abilityto hypnotise people as well as shapeshift, and she is best friends with Karai.(This is one big found family/friends as family AU, if I’m honest.)

And then they all grow up, adjust to life outside of alaboratory, face all the fuckos who come looking to take them back there, andsomehow figure out how to live as people and not objects. The end and stuff.

….and that’s about it.

I should write one-shots on and off for this thing. I have alot more details to it, like the kids’ individual friendships with staff at theschool, and what their futures as X-men are like. But that is a lot of writingand I won’t do it here.

If anyone’s wondering why I went with the X-men instead ofthe Avengers- basically? While I love the Avengers to pieces, I love the X-menso, so much more. The amount of diversity in that part of the Marvel universeis stunning, and there’s a characterfor everyone. Man? Woman? Neither? Black? White? Asian? Bi-racial/multiracial? Physicallydisabled? Mentally disabled? Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Pan? Asexual? Trans? Religious? Atheist?PSTD? Traumatic background of any kind? Literally all of these things and moreare a part of the X-men comics, and the struggle they face as an unwanted, verysmall race is something I relate deeply with. Not to mention that the defactoleader in any disaster situation is the strongest woman in the room and I don’tmind admitting that I adore that partof things.

The whole of the X-men universe is amazing and so, so amazing,and the series of comics specifically about Wolverine’s school are definitelymy favorite ones. (I have the whole collection, organized and well cared for

Ask me more about this AU if you guys want, I’ve neveractually shared it before, and this was fun!

#my writing #ask the writer #Marvel/TMNT AU #holy shit i talked a lot here #TMNT 2012 #April O'neil #Donatello #leonardo #raphael #michelangelo #Casey Jones #Karai #Shinigami #Leatherhead #Splinter #tmnt au #aha ha ha ha #i have too many au's #please stop me #team as family #papadile is my favorite thing ever #even more than ratdad if i'm honest here