#I am depressed enough already

[wanderingmind867]

Captain Mar-Vell should never have been killed. It was unnecessary and I will never not be mad they did it. I don't even like the character that much, but hearing about his death makes me feel angry on his behalf. He didn't die. I refuse to acknowledge it. His death was the beginning of the end for Marvel, imo. George and Gwen Stacy dying was the end for Spiderman to me, Mar-Vell dying was the beginning of the end of me being able to care about marvel comics.

#I'm just very opposed to death in my fiction #I am depressed enough already #I don't like thinking of death in fiction #marvel #comics #marvel comics #captain marvel #mar vell #captain mar-vell #marvel universe #spiderman #george stacy #gwen stacy

[narwhalandchill]

btw if u equate childe and aventurines backstory in any fucking way please leave this blog and unfollow me <3 preferably block me while ur at it too uwu

#havent you people done enough to systematically destroy his characterization already? genuinely curious #turning him into generic YA sadboy with no narrative purpose according to yall than to be traumatize meow meow smolbean #who has no greater purpose no greater relevance whos just a victim with 868 made up mental illnessess #and actually the fact that he canonically displays no typical signs of mental illness or distress proves he has giga trauma #because we all know the writers intention is always the thing they give 0 time on screen 0 hints at in lore 0 presence in canon #because you people are so fucking boring and incapable of basic reading comprehension that 'fantasy isnt 1 to 1 with irl psychiatry' #and 'stories can ignore real life logic of human psychology in favor of a desired narrative' #are like completely fucking incomprehensible concepts #god i am so fucking mad #like now the fact that another character hoyo wrote from a different fucking game #has some surface level adjacent qualities to ajax. and turns out to have a sad backstory #THATS fucking proof to yall? imagine reaching this hard . #none of you people have ever genuinely liked childe as the character he is canonically established to be #leave him the fuck alone #i am so fucking exhausted #but NOOOOOO listen childe is female coded with prey instinct and actually showing 0 signs of trauma is proof you have SUPER trauma #and him being mentally well off and clearly at peace with who he is in all its contradictions is just him brainwashing himself to believe i #AND IVE SEEN WORSE. IVE SEEN WORSE #god i am so fucking mad and exhausted and depressed like NONE of the people in this fucking fandom actually care abt him #as the banger fucking character he is #because he just has to be the most boring fucking YA archetype bc you ppl cant comprehend nor handle anything interesting . #anyway woops. #delete later

[d0d0-b0i]

it’s weird how much lighter my life feels now. not that i don’t have any issues (because there are many in my life, as i am sure there are in yours), but they’re just so much more manageable than they were a year ago.

​what’s more; i love myself now. i may not be perfect. but i am trying my best, and i can tell that i am! i see myself in the mirror, and sometimes i just examine myself, and my features, and i smile. i feel so much more authentic when talking to people, not worrying about how they view me, because i don’t have to anymore. i wish i could’ve told 15-year old me just how good it’s gotten so far, i know that he would’ve loved hearing about the shitty sideburns we’re growing out right now :’)

#it gets better :) #i used to think that transitioning medically wouldn’t lessen the sadness and depression i felt #and to some degree it is still there since t isn’t a cure all #but by the gods it is so much fucking easier to deal with everything #when a major reason for my mental health being the way it was has been abated #it’s like the fog cleared enough for me to actually see the road i’m driving on #instead of assuming blindly that i won’t crash #once i get top surgery. #idk. i wonder if things will be even easier? #i’m almost a year in and already my life feels so much brighter. yeah there’s problems with keeping the house. and yeah #i don’t have an income yet and i don’t know if the internship will even be in the cards for me #but. i just feel that everything will work out. enough for me to enjoy the time i have here :) #sorry i am being sappy but god! i love and i love! so much now!! i feel so much and i enjoy nearly every day despite the Issues #the world is getting worse but still i find reasons to love and live #so maybe one day it will get better? maybe one day my love will have helped even #if you’re reading. i love you. even if you’re just a follower #even if we’re mutuals that haven’t talked before #i think about you often. i wonder where my oldest mutual went after they stopped posting years ago #i don’t think i can forget. and i love you. and i wish i. could give you a hug. we all need one from time to time #i love the friends i’ve made and the friends i’ve had. i love. and this past year has opened up my floodgates of emotion

[thisfairytalegonebad]

the problem with exclusively having hobbies that involve staring at a screen is that you can recognise that there is a problem and The Screens are probably making your mental health worse but when you decide to do something against that by not doing one of your screen hobbies your brain just starts fucking eating itself from the inside out and you end up feeling like absolute dogshit

#lads i am having a HORRIBLE day #a horrible two days really i was already feeling shit yesterday #because i'm not really playing any video game right now and ace attorney is too much visual novel not enough game to stimulate my brain #so i thought hey why not take advantage of that by simply trying not to play video games for a bit #but i didn't consider that the lack of OTHER hobbies means i just end up not doing anything at all #and good god i severely underestimated the absolute fucking depression pit i was gonna fall in by doing that #i'm not GLAD i'm going back to work tomorrow but i'm. hm. it'll be better than this i'm sure #anyway yikes i'm sorry for all the negativity this weekend #what a way to start the new year

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags

#vent #rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out #rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee -> #i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up #i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!! #maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh #i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it #takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck] #maybe ill open an etsy shop?? #i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits #ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone #but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely #i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop #scratches head #i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell #concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things #that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg #i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely #CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire* #working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no #safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it #feel like im just making excuses to not get a job #i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to. #actually sell to customers you know #ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my #best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make #AUHGHG #i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me. #i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably #probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this

[daz4i]

while I'm not one for romantic relationships or long term stuff i really do hope i meet someone who makes me feel big emotions again (spongebob getting a piano dropped on him meme. of the positive sort) somewhere. somehow. it's been so long. bc of shitty therapy i conditioned myself into stepping back and never letting myself feel and i just want to know someone who'd be able to make me break this conditioning and return that same amount of emotions too. one more time

#this is why I'm so hung up on it even months later ig. big emotions. MUTUAL big emotions. that felt good #while for me it was mildly euphoric bc it's rare i even *want* to feel this way #it was stressing them out to have those same emotions. so they cut it. but this made me deflate all at once #they made me want to at least try to live 😐 which. you probably already know is a tough thing to do #soooooo crashing this feeling all at once..... well...... didn't end up so well as you can guess #ig the fact i want to feel that way again is a good sign tho lol :/ just. not quite there yet #(wanting to find someone who will make me want to try finding a reason to want to live. that's. a lot of steps) #but it did confirm me one thing and that's that i need to be obsessed with someone to feel good akdkglg #not a good sign either!!!! but!!!! if it's the only way i may as well try it!!!!! #the problem is!!!! i am very bad at getting deeply attached enough to make it last more than like. a week. if i even can at all #i am very bad at love and i am very bad at getting attached or opening up etc etc #and it's hard for me to develop this steadily without an initial spark either which is probably the biggest problem :/ #I'm not good at slow burns. not even a matter of impatience i think i just never reach the result that way #man I'm just rambling now!!!! idk!!!! I'm letting out thoughts!!!!!!!! #do i need to tag this as #vent #???? is it??? idk it's not that depressing compared to my other shit

[vox-off]

brandon has started watching lrr lorcana gameplay videos on youtube and i'm side-eyeing him so hard

if he gets himself into yet another tcg i swear to god

#voxbox #the boy #on one hand i am thrilled his seasonal depression is lifting. it got Real Bad there for a few weeks #on the other hand we BARELY have enough space for our magic cards and i am already saving up to go hog fucking wild on bloomburrow #our apartment is small. we both love tcgs. please send help

[one4sorrow]

Charlotte come home

.

#where did you go are you ok? #they put you in the obituaries but you cant be dead they just dont give a shit #nobody there gives a shit they didnt care about me and now theyre not caring about you and fuck what if theyre the reason you dont come hom #they keep talking about oh she was depressed like no shit look at the world we live in nowadays but thats not whats going on here #and they seem like theyre ready to give up already and they cant do that they cant #we're supposed to ditch everyone and go move to salem together she cant just be Gone #charlotte is the thing holding us all together she cant go away shes still alive they just dont care enough to look too much work #shes just a nobody right charlotte lancaster is just a nobody this is bullshit #i thought my brother would be better but even he's not trying as hard as he could i know hes not #he cant be or he'd have found her by now #shes not dead shes not you arent dead charlotte come home please #fuck me i didnt wanna cry and now here i am crying i hate it here

[13eyond13]

.

#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw: #i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced' #or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought' #or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too' #sort of way... #it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

[symphorine]

.

#personal #i was like. already being gloomy lol thinking god i wish i could be a normal fucking person #talk to and message ppl and form and maintain friendships and know what to fucking say #and then i realized. even if i finally understood how it works and how to do thay. chronic fatigue means #i am literally unable to sustain the effort it would need. i cant do it. i cant reach the aspect of normalcy i desperately want #im already so close to my limit. i owe several people very overdue replies. and i want to talk to them! but. energy #and now im just sad. forget the autism the depression the chronic pain. the fatigue is what's worst for everything #i can never function to the level normal people can ever. i thought maybe the realisation would be a relief but #im just sad and frustrated and it sucks it just sucks #i want to make friends i want to fight that yawning pit of loneliness that i cant shake but i literally cannot #i dont understand what i have to do to matter enough to other ppl that they see me as a friend. idk how to interact with people naturally #its all learned its all painstakingly learned and built patterns and now i cant even try to learn more. im too fucking tired

[princeanxious]

this just in, my brain decided i was gonna hyperfixate on Detroit Become Human of all things for a short minute so like. If i post like, 1 art piece of it outta the blue dont be surprised

#i dont expect to stay on DBH for too long bc most of the visual remaining fancontent is depressing as hell #whoch is usually cathartic for me but i’m already struggling in like a depressive patch already and its not helping my heart ngl #and by my heart i mean literally i think smth might be wrong with it but i’ll never get it looked at bc its just another thing on the- #-lust of health concerns no one will take me seriously enough for to make any progress on #one day i am going to drop out of the blue and im not even gonna be surprused #surprised*

[theygender]

*checking the tracking information for my package from under a pile of overpriced teas and vitamins* this next herbal supplement will fix me

#g o d what is up with my brain thats been making everything so hard recently #like. im in a job that im MUCH happier with now and loving it. im no longer living a waking trauma nightmare as a call center sup #...why is my brain acting like im forcing it on a trek through fucking mordor just trying to get through a normal day at work #im on break from school. why am i not able to do any of the things that i wanted to do during the semester but was too busy for #why am i not able to do anything that i want to do and if i DO manage to do it why am i not able to enjoy it #why am i living like every moment of my life in fear that im wasting my time or doing something wrong or not good enough #and like i KNOW the answers are adhd and depression and anxiety #but my buddy. my pal. @ the wrinkly fleshy thing in my skull #im on 6 different psychiatric medications with a total of up to 11 individual pills per day. im actively in therapy and have been for years #and my life is currently much better than it maybe has ever been! WHY am i still struggling so hard 😭 #like i know recovery isnt a straight line and etc etc but like. it just feels like im doing everything im 'supposed' to do so what gives #so. gonna start drinking more plants i guess and see if that helps. im already on some that seem to help but i think i need more now #bc im having a bad time in my brain prison tbh :( #im not even like upset typing all this out either im just like. bewildered. incredulous. exhausted #lets hope this new overpriced tea fixes me i guess #rambling

[qumiiiquinnquin]

ill never be good enough at anything

#vent #events of today only proved it #im genuinely so close to giving up completely #i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing #I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im #the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did #i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships #i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long #i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math #i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive #hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough #i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi #i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i #know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out #i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on #just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height #the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly. #ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from #if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic #i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me #i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.

[glimpsesofeuterpe]

i am still sick but feeling better (had like 20 hours sleep time)

#blahblah #oversharing in tags #yeah i cant smell nor taste anything even as no its still just a dumb flu #finger crossed knocking on wood its not going to last longer than three+ days #otherwise i am kinda fucked #....... as if i already didn't have ages of struggles with eating enough (barely feel/dont at all hunger #at this point i dont even know if its due to autism or depression or both or whatever) #if tasteless becomes like a default glitch holy shit wont i become even skinnier #i see no sense in eating if i cant taste it and the lack of sense and meanings demotivates a lot #no need to be dramatic esfer shuttfup we all know you will force yourself to eat to survive anyway #gdfgdfgfdgdfgfdgdfgdfdfgdfg #i mean i had tasteless glitch before #but it never lasted for longer than a day #it's real weird #how others managed to deal with it for weeks+

[goldensunset]

as an underclassman early morning classes and boring classes were what i detested and feared most of all. now it’s difficult classes and evening classes. my evening class last semester actively made me want to become the joker with how disruptive it was to my schedule. i sure would have never wanted to switch into a 9am yawnnnn history lecture class but at this point that sounds like a dream compared to all the tons of active work outside of class with every single professor trying to scare us to death on the first day. i would rather wake up early every day than suffer the hell that i’m currently slated for. last semester brutalized me so badly it’s not even funny i can’t do the same workload again yet worse i need a relative mental break. i do not have that dog in me. i will be going to my advisor screaming and crying tomorrow asking her to make some changes

#like i will take almost anything i can get into at this point #if it fits into my schedule contributes to my actual credit requirements and does not actively make me upset #sounds perfect #and like i am a night owl. it is known i am a night owl #but i can suffer the pain of waking up early for the greater good #i cannot suffer the pain of multiple classes at once in which the professor acts like we don’t have other work to do #like genuinely the workload hasn’t even started yet this semester we’ve had one day of each class so far #and i am like already in absolute dread and depression. just from how they’re making me feel right off the bat #i need out #i need to fix this i thought it would be ok back in november but i don’t know if the pain of last semester really sunk in until afterwards #during winter break i was like oh yay break :] #now that i’m back at school i’m like Huh. so there’s something i never actually recovered from i guess #like now that i’m here i’m like you’re telling me .. i have to do it again. even worse. #and like i was off for 3.5 weeks. but now i understand no amount of time would have ever been enough to prepare me for this #i don’t care if it means i have more work later i’m ahead on credits #this course i wanna drop isn’t strictly required anyway so like. #why kill myself. especially now of all times #sounds like a problem for a future me who isn’t having a mental episode #peach rambles

[aeolids-zenith]

i hate posts that are supposed to be positivity for people who lack friends or that say that social connections are like unexpectedly inevitable/straightforward to make or something, but then like. don't elaborate on how that is possible. it always just makes me feel more hopeless

#space chirrup #idk. i suppose even if there was actually anything theoretically actionable in those posts i still might not feel like it'd work for me #i mean i've tried googling for actual advice but for some reason ''how to make friends as a chronically online socially stunted #possibly autistic barely-transitioned transgender young adult introvert with esoteric interests'' doesn't turn up anything useful #(idk if ''possibly autistic'' is accurate all the self-assessments i've done plus the psychologist i went to said i probably wasn't) #i suspect that i might be unnecessarily limiting myself with all of that #but i have absolutely no idea what is a reasonable amount to step outside of my comfort zone/interests #i don't even have anything that i want out of basic social interactions the thing that compels me is intimacy. #but i don't want that with someone i don't know already. #but how do i get to know people when there's nothing i want to do with them and i have trouble feeling like i want things in general #does that mean i'm depressed. i've had conflicting feedback on whether i am. what is the productive course of action if i am #bc i keep thinking that like medication wouldn't be worth it if i didn't have a plan to actually improve my life but that if i had a #plan i could just do it without medication #but idk maybe medication would allow me to identify an actually viable plan. ggggggg #ALSO does it make a difference that i only feel strongly about this when it's late at night #people always say not to trust how you feel at night but it's not like i feel GOOD about my life in the daytime it's just kinda neutral #like there's enough for me to survive without significant effort and i'm not completely joyless but idk what it's all for #and night is the only time i feel motivated to do anything about it. #though usually that thing is just writing a vent post on tumblr or something equivalently unproductive lolllll