#I can’t find my mom

[dozydawn]

19 Magazine, September 1978.

Photographed by Mike Berkofsky.

Model: Jemma.

#jemma #same model who was on the cover of meat loaf’s bad attitude album. i can’t find her surname #i know it’s jemma because she was credited as that in a photo that was auctioned at christie’s #there was a tweet from a rando account like ‘the cover model’s my mom!’ but it was from 2012 & the insta link didn’t work so i came close #mike berkofsky #suit #1978 #1970s

[sunshine-zenith]

Understandable reservations (AKA when you aren’t even dating and you already have in-law issues)

#wanderlust jd #Sara jd #wanderrose #jacklust #just dance #jack rose just dance #in which Sara is trying to be supportive and encouraging and Wander is trying to NOT get possess by his crush’s mom again #cy art #cy fanart #follow up to that Valentine’s Day post the official twitter made. you know the one #side note I can’t find my sketchbook so I’m currently stuck drawing on the back of old manuals and paperwork from my last job

[honorthysalad]

I'm too tired for a proper introduction. I don't like yoshiki's dad and how he's being portrayed in the manga.

Before ch25, the most we see of yoshiki's dad is from the hgsn light novel’s bonus chapter, wherein we get a lot of focus on the disparity between parental roles and how mothers are expected to care solely for the children while fathers are expected to work for the family. Like that's the problem with their relationship: Yoshiki’s mom wants her husband to *care* about their kids and Yoshiki’s father thinks that solely because he’s their father that the amount of care he’s showing (almost none) is acceptable. She goes up to him, asks if he thinks it's okay that Kaoru isn't going to school, and he just further pushes the responsibility onto her by telling her that surely as Kaoru’s mother she knows best. She presses more for his opinion, and he continues to refuse to think about it, becoming frustrated when she pushes back to the point that when the argument is done he’s hitting tables and slamming doors like a child because talking to his wife 'annoys' him so much.

And the thing is that Yoshiki's mom still currently works. She has a job and is expected to do all the housework and decision making for the kids on top of that, and Yoshiki's dad is the one who is stubbornly clinging to these typical roles because it's upsetting for him when it's pointed out that he's failing as a parent. His wife is practically begging him to care, and he just refuses.

(And it makes sense the disparity gets focused on here because Len didn’t write it.)

ANYWAY, looking at this, it makes perfect sense why Yoshiki doesn't want to talk to his dad. His dad doesn't want to talk to him, slams doors when he gets confronted with the idea he may have to *think* about his kids, and so, if Yoshiki's dad wants to be absent from Yoshiki's life, Yoshiki wants him to be absent too- in all forms. From the moles he's inherited to the supposed similarities between them, Yoshiki wants nothing to do with him.

(There's a misconception going around that Yoshiki's dad beats him. This is from a mistranslation of the light novel; Yoshiki's dad only hits objects. Feel free to write him however you want tho, I know I hardly stick to canon lol. I just wanted to preemptively avoid ppl informing me of that)

But if you’ve only read the manga, then why doesn’t Yoshiki like his father? He… knocked over a glass once maybe? Looked real pathetic getting yelled at? Grabbed Yoshiki’s arm and said some vague stuff about the unuki. In the past people told Yoshiki he was like him. That's what we got of Yoshiki's dad before ch25.

Then in ch25, Yoshiki's dad is some like... idfk? Pathetic little guy who wants to spend time with his family but he doesn't feel like he has a place to belong in the house :( I mean sure he's clearly in the house at a normal time when everyone else is in the house so it's not like he's working insane hours and can never see them, but didn't you know he's so scared of his wife :(((( and look he's actually not a bad parent cuz one time he read Yoshiki a book, and he's got an artistic side cuz he wanted to be a novelist, and he's such a funny little clumsy guy :) also he's got himself a little family tree with daddy issues of his own :))

I'd almost entertain that this is him putting up an act around yoshiki like yoshiki's mom says, but it's pretty unlikely from what we see of him in extras. Len wants us to see him as a person who just struggles to assert himself and that's what causing the breakdown of the family, not what the light novel presents where he asserts himself with his actions, and what he's saying he doesn't care about the family.

It's just kind of frustrating because I liked the examination in the light novel, highlighting the flaws in what’s assumed as a normal family dynamic in Japan, and I think it perfectly fits the themes HGSN explores with maintaining flawed traditions that only work on the surface. In turn what we’ve got in the manga is just… muddled and weird.

#I just really don’t feel that these two different versions line up #like I feel like light novel dad would’ve refused to answer Yoshiki and walked out of the room to avoid the conversation #Prompting Yoshiki to go around him to try and find information #Also how Len can give endless little details on Yoshiki’s dad but can’t even write the words #Grandmother and grandfather above the mom’s head #Hikaru ga Shinda natsu #hgsn #the summer hikaru died #HGSN spoilers #my HGSN shit

[shorthaltsjester]

begging twitter to stop showing me tweets of people with no reading comprehension misrepresenting things I said but since i was going to make this more in-depth post Anyway .

when i say imogen is better read as a metaphor for generational trauma than she is a metaphor for queerness or chronic pain, i’m not talking about legitimate traits she has as a character. obviously she is queer. obviously she experiences some form of chronic pain (though i would argue her magic better suits chronic illness not pain because she states that it’s Not always painful, but it does always influence how she lives her life).

when i talk about how well she’s understood as a metaphor, i’m talking about when i’m looking at her as a part of a story, as an arc that i am witnessing rather than in the more typical fandom way of this is a fictional person who interacts with exandria as real people do. and that is a fun way to interact with characters, i enjoy it a lot! but when i say imogen (to me, as i for some reason have to clarify on my own blog which implies that these are my own opinions and not absolute fact that needs to be accepted by people on the internet with different experience and opinions than me) is best read as a metaphor for generational trauma, it isn’t a dismissal of her queerness or her illness, it’s just me thinking looking at her from that angle is more compelling.

imogen has been one of my favourite characters and least favourite characters in campaign 3 because i tend to analyse her through a lens of generational trauma and she ends up looking extremely familiar to me as someone with a family that carries their’s heavily which is as comforting as it is frustrating.

for me the main thing that looking at imogen through a queer lens of literary analysis fails to account for is harm. on the one hand - the harm that imogen experiences, not because of how people treat her for who she is, but that exists simply as a factor of her being ruidusborn. on the other hand a the harm that imogen causes. not to say that she is some malicious villain waiting for her chance to harm others, but that there are things about being ruidusborn that very much do incline her towards violence in a way that she might not otherwise be - i think about the conversation after she went nuclear and chet brought up people being scared of her connecting that to her father keeping distance. the only harm that queerness provides comes from society, and that isn’t the case in exandria. even metaphorically, the thing that society fears in ruidusborn people (while it has certainly been exacerbated by centuries of superstition and practices like we saw in zephrah) is a tangible threat. imogen’s magic when not controlled can wipe out a city block, but queerness poses no threat.

that’s why i’m not compelled by imogen’s backstory as a queer metaphor. not because i’m some imodna anti (i very emphatically am not but this fandom kinda makes me wish i was sometimes) or because i think exandria’s lack of homophobia/transphobia means that characters can’t be viewed through a queer lens or that critical role doesn’t contain some of the most compelling queer metaphor i’ve encountered. imogen just isn’t one of those characters, not because she isn’t queer, or because i think her story shouldn’t resonate with queer people, just because i find the generational trauma angle more consistent.

it’s similar with the chronic illness angle, which i will refer to as illness but you’re welcome to emphasise pain, we all have different vocabularies for the experiences we face. but just to give context i’m running off laura’s comparison of imogen’s powers to her own sensory issues and anxiety which while often Lead to pain, fall more into chronic illness in imogen’s context to me. and i do think there’s substantial comparison for imogen’s story as a metaphor for chronic illness, but i think that was much more true earlier in the campaign than it is looking at her from the current context. her beginning motivation being her search for knowledge about her powers really resonated with me as similar to someone experiencing symptoms of chronic illness but who could neither figure out how to treat them or what they were caused by.

but then imogen got more information, specifically about her mother, and her priority became not understanding her powers but understanding her current state as a person - how had she become the person she is, inclusive of her powers but very much emphasising her lack of a mother who became more and more present in the unweaving web of ruidusborn lore. that’s when i was less compelled by the chronic illness reading and more compelled by viewing her as a metaphor for generational trauma. had that not been enough on its own, imogen’s visit to relvin and her recent thoughts on her mother would be enough to convince me.

the part that makes me hesitant about this post is that generational trauma is so intensely linked to the contexts under which it is created and perpetuated. so i can’t really point to specific scenes as evidence of specific things that prove generational trauma is the most compelling and i don’t really want to unload that much of my own experience to clarify my thoughts on a character. but vaguely, i will say that imogen’s relationship with her parents is obviously the clearest source for my reading her as a metaphor for generational trauma. the fact that relvin, the only person in her family without the thing that draws society’s ire, is also the person that she has the most willing anger at is also indicative of this to me. in general, imogen’s rage that so easily transitions into sadness and vice versa comes out a lot in conversations about parents. most recently, i think about ashton’s lovely speech about found family and his distrust about parents and how as they were speaking, laura seemed to be playing imogen as sadly in thought versus months ago when fearnes parents showed up with striking similarities to liliana and imogen’s words of wisdom were let’s hurt them all.

and like. to me that angersadnessvengeancegrief is particularly evocative of the feelings that arise when you are in a family with generational trauma, especially when you are aware of it. because imogen can and has followed the logical steps that have led her and her family to where they are. early on when recounting her relationship with her dad she seemed wistful but understanding of the distance between them. in nearly every encountered with a parental figure imogen seems to be some level of distrusting for the most part, but she’s still holding out hope that her mother will see the good side. and further, there’s the complication of how dire her losing her powers seems to be, and how inextricable her powers are from every aspect of her life. she’s also southern and from a blue collar family. this means nothing except it also means a whole lot.

this is messy and not well organised but if you want a good essay you’re gonna have to pay me money for it but tldr: i say things i believe on my This Is My Opinion Blog and i don’t think i need to explain my thoughts to strangers on the internet but this was already half written in my drafts and if people are gonna shit on my opinions please at least do it in good faith and shit on my actual opinions not the ones you’ve decided i have.

#it’s just the. your mother leaves and you know nothing you don’t even know that she Chose to leave you just know she’s gone #and your father is there in every way he can be which isn’t Enough #and then. you do the same thing your mom did and you find the answers she found but. you’re finding a way out of it . not Completely . #and not Perfectly. but enough that you’re angry that the world wasn’t kind enough to her to give her a way out #and you’re angry that she probably wouldn’t have taken a way out if she found it #and you’re just. getting hurt by her over and over and you’re putting your life and friends at risk over and over in the thin Hope #that this time when she hears you out she’ll actually Hear you #also . just in general. i do not worship the ground of the mn campaign for anyone to accuse me of thinking cr characters can’t be queercoded #i’m stronger than you . i see the queerness of fjorester which only people with real reading comprehension understand . #anyway this is all light hearted if i was actually like . Mad this would be like. one sentence long #imogen temult #cr3 #critical role #the temults #cr meta #listen man. imogen is personal to me i hate her i love her i want to hit her i want to hug her i can’t look at her i wanna study her #my posts

[ewtoxic]

The stay-at-home-mom!Alicent agenda or whatever in modern rhaenicent fics is so interesting because in the show only one of them was a sahm…and it wasn’t Alicent.

#rhaenicent #I think it’s just that Alicent is portrayed as more traditionally femme #plus Emma being non-binary #no hate just find it interesting how y’all’s minds work #and that sounded bitchy but im being genuine #because rhaenyra literally disappeared to dragon stone for years just to raise her sons #and Alicent stayed in the red keep to rule #like the whole show? #I think a lot of people fall in the trap of making seeing alicent as traditionally feminine in every aspect #for a lot of reasons #but mostly because of her feminine appearance and the appearance of her actress #whereas despite not being traditionally feminine rhaenyra definitely loves being a mom #so in modern aus where they have a choice I can’t see alicent being a sahm and rhaenyra being a working mom #but that’s just me #also thinking about gender roles within queer relationships in one of my pastimes so #and how society has pushed them upon queer people #as someone that looks very femme I get pushed into roles a lot that make me truly uncomfortable

[worm-in-a-trenchcoat]

Has anyone else heard about the Monster High celebration event happening at St. Pete’s Comic-con in January??

Garret Sander wil be there doing free doll signings, and him and a couple voice actors from the OG show are going to be there doing guest panels!!

And the Con itself is having a MH event with a cosplay competition/fashion show, doll sales, a MH scavenger hunt and there’s going to be makeup artists doing MH character/cosplay makeovers!

I found out about it a week ago and it’s all I’ve been thinking about since 😭

I’m trying my best to save up so I can go, the only real issue is I’ll most likely be going by myself and that’s absolutely terrifying as an autistic person with anxiety who’s never been out of the city with out someone I know- let alone out of the state 😅.

But this is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for me (or at least a rare one) and I’ve already prepared a cosplay and taken time off work for it sooo I think I’m kinda obligated to go at this point lol.

-

If anyone is going and wants to maybe meet up, let me know! It’s always fun meeting mutuals in person!

#monster high #monster high dolls #actually autistic #I live in Virginia so it’s not like a HUGE distance away #but it’s still another state and that’s scary enough #but I also think it’ll be a good experience if I do end up having to go alone #one of my biggest worries is getting lost. bc I have a terrible sense of direction #i can see myself calling my mom in another state crying abt how I can’t find my hotel lmao 😭 #but I’m planning ahead and getting myself prepared now. so I think I’ll be alright

[compacflt]

what are bradley’s earliest memories of ice and mav? the bits of his perspective on them that you’ve written are so fascinating

fairly unsurprising answer but: ice: when he came to see Carole to apologize for killing goose in ch 2 of wwgattai (sets the tone of their relationship)

mav: something very benign like mav doing magic tricks for him as a little little kid. you know how your earliest memories are always a little fuzzy and always afternoon sunshine? imagine a desaturated maverick sitting crosslegged in the grass in pale afternoon southern california sunshine showing Bradley how he can detach his thumb from his hand and then put it back again. no blood, no bone, no pain, and he’s got this daredevil grin like he’s enjoying separating his thumb from his hand. can’t see his eyes behind his aviators. the best magicians are the ones who can make even their pain disappear. or, playing “got your nose,” holding Bradley’s nose up so he can see it right in front of his very eyes, NO PAIN!, and then making it disappear. “where’d your nose go, Gosling? oh, my gosh, I lost your nose!! how’re you gonna smell? i bet you’re gonna smell bad. get it? get it? —here it is, i found it, don’t worry, it’s all good!” and putting his nose back so everything’s ok. that’s Bradley’s earliest memory of mav.

#Bradley’s nose (mavs thumb) is a foreshadowing metaphor for the academy here obviously #this is just my conjecture as a californian kid who was many times duped by the thumb trick myself. #You know where they screw it off and it really looks convincing #im closer to 10 years old than i am to 31 😞 ten years ago today i was at my little baseball summer camp :) in third grade #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #bradley rooster bradshaw #top gun #asks #also ive had this little scene where he drives to their house in his moms car after some late high school event #only to find ice & mav passed out on the couch together at 9:30 at night with the tv still playing #because mav had made a home between ices arms and (tired fighter pilot after long day of drills) fell asleep there and what #was ice supposed to do; wake up an exhausted American hero & push him away? no. this isn’t so bad. —and then accidentally fell asleep too. #and bradleys just standing there in his homecoming tux going ‘oh this is real. oh they really are. oh. ok i will let them sleep.’ #and sneaking back into his moms car to go to his own house for once. #i can’t find anywhere to put that scene so you’re getting it in the tags of this post

[aroace-polyshow]

i really need to keep better track of my mutuals birthdays so i can do FINISHED stuff and not rush something the day of….

#mono’s stuff #see idk where to put them though. cause #i can’t add it to my calendar. if i get a notif thats suspicious. i can’t write it down cause if my mom finds it/looks through stuff again #without me knowing thats bad. i can’t add something in my drafts bc it will get lost in there and i will forget. #aughhh

[rowanisawriter]

i just need to write about finding and killing god i need to write an odyssey about finding him on top of a mountain or under the ocean and killing him with my hands that’s it and I’ll be fine I’ll be fine

#sorry im going through something today #once my mom took me to a witch doctor in the desert because she thought i was possessed by the devil #maybe that witch cursed me #cos I can’t stop thinking about how im disappointing god but also how much I want to find him and wring his neck

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

You knew my mother was here | Moth Work

Lonan has stopped paddling. The canoe sits in the middle of the lake, lifeless like a bone in the water. He’s turned so Harrison sees him in profile and can’t tell if it’s relieving or worrying to see his face. Lonan’s jaw is taut, like there are words he wants to say but can’t. Filling up the hollow bone. He blinks slowly, like he’s trying to re-centre himself, his chest quivering with breaths meant to steady him. The water laps at the base of the canoe, whirling like his head. Dark hair tangles down his cheeks like the fingers of a poltergeist.

“You knew my mother was here,” Lonan says.

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Research.”

LONAN PORTRAIT TO GRACE (HAUNT?) YOUR DASH!! <3

Excerpt circa 2019.

#this was sooo fun hehee #I meant to draw HB Lonan but it looked more like MW Lonan which is dumb because they are literally the Same Guy only a month apart but #BUT I HAD MY LOGICCCC #anyway <3 #he’s wearing Harrison’s jacket <333 like he does for most of the book lol #lonan ‘I’m not gay’ clark #there are probably things abt this I’ll change but I didn’t want to spend too long making it perfect !!! #but I mean he’s pretty perfect in himself hehe <3 #THIS scene is why moth work was called boys on a boat for a long time #THE OGs KNOW LOL #personally if I saw this man the only words coming out of my mouth would be okay babygirl but maybe that’s just me looool #like sometimes I’m like harrison WHY this man WHY #and then I draw him and I’m like yeah yeah okay #the sketch at one point looked so much like REEVE!!!! so I’m gonna draw over it and make it her lol #anyway did you know that the whole reason moth work even happens is because #Harrison’s worried about Lonan’s add*ction & as a last resort is like #okkkk I can’t help you but maybe your bio mom can???? and Izzy is at the cabin lol #sometimes I forget that was the reason!!!! #anyway kissing him on the cheek #I hope he finds happiness and love!!!!! #art

[rotzaprachim]

current method to dip a bit back into modern Hebrew is nothing but filling a cheap drugstore notebook with Hebrew hip hop that I write the lyrics out of stanza by stanza while I listen - no translation, just trying to match the sound of the speech to words and follow along

#It’s kind of breaking my head open #The problem is that I know lots of grammar but I can’t /use it/ or match it to words #And I find basic reading with the dropped vowells pretty difficult #Calle 13 residente and Ana Tijoux Unironically taught me the Spanish my mom didn’t #But Hebrew is significantly more difficult for me to read and wrap my head around

[reenybopper]

I spy with my little eye… cat litter in the back of my car.

Good hair day tho

#me #self #dark hair #glasses #wait I can’t find my glasses #typical cat mom things

[howldean]

who let the ipad baby watch supernatural

#it’s me i’m the ipad baby and am having a horrible time and had to explain to my mom that i got triggered without saying the word trigger #and she STILL was like why didn’t you tell me we could’ve left?? i can’t help you if you don’t talk to me!! WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS #TRIGGERING. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. and yes i did suffer in silence a little bit because i thought i was coping a little better than i am and #just. didn’t want to give him that much power over me. but we stay silly #so now the lights are off except for my lamp facing the wall on low i am curled up in bed under blankets trying to find the last episode i #watched in my chronological spn rewatch

[oops-all-stephen]

Listen, now I know I’ve compared Stephen to a dog before but I can’t stop thinking about the quote, “I’m not a violent dog. I don’t know why I bite.” in relation to him.

Ahh, how I wish I knew how to make gifs because my mind is spinning with perfect moments to pair with this damned quote.

#stephen strange #my post #my shitty shitty post.. #nothing new. still comparing stephen to canine poetry over here. #and going crazy about it. you know how it is. #ugh especially the shot of Christine cupping his face in MoM when he confesses at the end. #and her teary face during that scene. #AND THEN him screaming at Christine in frustration in DS1 when he finds out he can’t fix his hands #and again. her little teary face there #‘I’m not a violent dog. (soft stephen) I don’t know why I bite.’ (angry stephen) #doctor strange #I have other thoughts about him I swear!

[crowrelli]

.

#vent tw #death mention tw #okay I need to post this bc I’m. going to explode into a million shattered parts if I don’t #my grandmother on my moms side who lived with us my whole teen years. who I helped care for. passed last night before I could go visit her #and instead of IDK FUCKING CALLING ME TO TELL ME my estranged idiot sister just texts me basically ‘Oop she died 🤪’ #what the actual fuck #I deserve to hear from our mom? I deserve to hear like the rest of the fucking family? #my cousin did it right and said ‘call your mom’ but you just fucking take it on yourself?? how inconsiderate and conceited to take that away #how little do you see of me to not show basic fucking compassion?? #I will never not hold this with me every time I think of my grandmothers passing #I’m a fucking adult. I’ve lived on my own for 3 god damn years. and yet you can’t extend me the BASIC FUCKING RESPECT of letting me find out #the RIGHT WAY #I broke my no contact out of respect for my grandma. I promised to walk into a house I was fucking prisoner in half my life. #I looked past my pain and my trauma out of basic fucking human decency and she couldn’t wait a few hours to let the news reach me properly #and before I can even say my goodbyes she’s gone and this is how you tell me?? #she KNEW I was in contact with our mom again #she KNEW #I lived with grandma I HELPED TAKE CARE OF HER #I picked her off the floor when she fell I made her food when she was hungry I READ HER BOOKS WHEN HER HANDS SHOOKTOO BAD #I knew they were monsters but are you fucking kidding me?? this is so so low I’m in fucking shock #I thank my partner and their family every fucking day for teaching me what real love is #because after you live your whole life trying to love people who are only playing roles for the sake of appearance you can never go back to #the cold lifeless greyscale power plays they call unconditional love #god I just #I’m just so fucking tired

[skinreflectsthesun]

.

#kiddos birthday is coming up #and it’s on a weekend when my parents work #so I told them if they can’t find anyone to cover their shift then I’ll bring him by after they’re off work so they can see him #and they said it’s fine to just come by afterwards #so I mentally prepared for that #and now my mom is calling me and telling me she’s gonna try and see if someone can come in for her so at least she comes #and my anxiety just clawed up my stomach and into my throat #I hate everything about this #I’m going to do my best to just focus on my son #but my god it’s hard #it’s hard to ignore all the bad things #there’s so many bad things and just one really really good thing which is him #this is fine I’m fine #I’m not but it will be over soon #which I hate to say too #because it’s his special day #but the amount of stress it’s causing me is unbelievable