#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever

[toastsnaffler]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!! #i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!! #i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

[rianafying]

i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control

this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.

#personal #journal entry

[danepopfrippery]

Wtf is happening over on ofmd Twitter??

I dont tag in much so last i was aware was the ‘stede bonnet is a racist and u are too’ fluff. And this is of course my take. I only peak in anymore someone more involved might be able to explain better.

Theres some lovely ppl over there, gorgeous art and nsfw art too. But starting lets say may-ish a group of mostly young fans (judging by their profiles most were under 22) started saying most fans were racist for liking Stede Bonnet or Izzy and basically white people and straight ppl shouldnt be allowed to watch or be fans. If u like Con or Izzy (yup both) you were basically a klan member cuz clearly he thinks Ed is his slave etc. it goes on.

Look im white and cishet so im basically 3% of most of the fandom. But i found this particularly interesting cuz a lot of these people crossed over with Wwdits and no one wanted to talk about Kayvan Novak doing repeated blackface starting in 2015. They also didnt want to acknowledge Taika said some real terfy shit when he was my age in 2014 (mustve been an asshole era). Neither man has apologized (or mark proksch) and Kayvan doubled down on it last year.

So look i absolutely can not say how poc are allowed to feel. I just find it very odd they want to lynch Rhys and Con but are fine with Kayvan especially. Blackface to me seems like an ultimate sin.

So moving along… by the C2e2 they wanted to cancel Con for playing Izzy and slammed anyone who fangirled over him. A few weeks later Con made an insensitive comment about a tory having a coke nose, comparing it to a latine country. For some reason that didnt blow up til August. He did apologize and deleted or paused his twitter (he claimed before it blew up he would for filming and this coincided with filming beginning so hard to say). Most of them felt apologizing was no good and this was proof he was truly a racist playing a racist character.

(Fyi my personal belief is ppl should take responsibility, sincerely apologize, and never do x again).

Rhys’ wife is a royalist and when the Queen died they went after her and Rhys for saying Elizabeth’s death was sad. Wife doubled down. Ppl said proof shes racist and he should divorce her (i mean…i didnt love it but they really went after them. Im no royalist and think the queen was a colonizer.)

So then a few weeks ago Rhys Darby briefly replied to a friend that he felt playing Stede Bonnet was like reliving a past life. It was like 2 sentences. Ppl first thought it was cute, then this mob came to feast. They attacked any fan who liked it and attacked rhys so much he declared this is why he doesnt tweet much.

I personally took the tweet to mean he felt like he was reliving a life, not necessarily Stede Bonnet the real dude. But i mean shit if ur playing (or claiming) a rich white man pre 1860 the dude was likely a slave owner. Not a justification but liking a fictional character doesnt mean u think the fictional character is the real dude. I didnt know Stede Bonnet existed before ofmd. Real dude was a cunty slave owner who was prbly mentally ill and an asshole to his crew. I dont conflate Rhys’ bird of paradise bitchy queen with that dude. In my world Stede Bonnet is a fictional character. Fuck the real guy.

Soooo ive ranted nice and long here (sorry i have feelings). But the summary is theres a young mob of ofmd fans on twitter who want to prove they are activists by being assholes to real ppl who arent doing anything worth calling out…while also not calling out actors who really have done shit. Basically baby bullies. And oddly many of them are white so its even weirder. But thats that. I dont recommend bothering with it.

#ofmd #our flag means death #twitter drama #twitter ofmd #con o neill #rhys darby #izzy hands #stede bonnet #kayvan novak #cw racism

[raspberrysmoon]

ummm please say more about the wilbur/john/xander fic right now <3 theyre my favourite guys ever and we need so much more content for them (i say as I write yet another fic not about them)

YIPPEEE YEAHHHHH LETS GOO!!!!! ok this got LONG so its all under the cut. uhm. i hope this tickles your fancy :3

i have SOOOO many thoughts abt these three tbh,,,, i had a thought last night of what it would be like if john and wilbur were engaged when wilbur. uhm. "died". but like 20 years later john's found xander and to hell with it if he can love them both. one is dead, itll be fine

except, wilburs not actually dead. he falls out of a portal and hes normal again and holy shit what does john do now. like thats still technically his fiance (and first love but shh) but his husband is Right The Fuck There

but it wnds up pretty okay. john makes sure wilbur really is okay and normal (hes as normal as he can be after being in the black for that long) and introduces them and it goes great

wilbur backs off of his own accord even though it absolutely destroys him to do so and gives both john and xander (mostly john) the shovel talk ("i swear to god- and ive met god- if you hurt him ill be one to get your ass and send it to hell" type shit)

but. where is this legally dead man going to live. aside from john, there arent many people who jnow him still alive (and ghats not to count the amount still working with peip) (there are two still working with peip. john and colonel schaffer)

so wilbur camps out on john and xanders couch until they figure out what to do from there

but wilbur is Old and Weak and hes honestly provably pretty close to (if not) disabled from the sheer amount his body has gone through and the couch is definitely making it worse. and xander being trained in medicine (though not practicing) steps in and is like "ok i know its going to be weird as hell but you have GOT to get in a bed. ours or not i dont give a shit" but they dont haev the space for another bed and honestly wilbur's been struggling to sleep alone anyway

so they end up dragging his ass into their bed and its like. the best sleep of his life. and he wakes up in the fetal position (normal) between john and xander (not where he fell asleep) and theyre both kind of holding onto him (what the fuck ?)

and he freaks a bit. bc thats his ex (?) fiance and his new husband. he cannot get between them like this are you kidding??

so he goes and sits on the couch but its really cold and he hates it (flashback sequence??) but he forces himself to not care and like. puts a show on or smth until xander wakes up and comes out like "why did you leave i was comfortable" and hes like "im already intruding a lot i felt bed" and xanders like "youre literally not but ok. do you like pancakes" and thats that (the answer is yes, blueberry ones)

and like a month later finally wilbur is cleared to get to work on mapping and explaining the black and white, and the lords in black, so he throws himself into that. 9/10 times he falls asleep at his desk or on the couch again and john and xander are both a little sad but theyte quiet abt theyre big boys theyre handling this great (<- lying)

and xander snaps after like. three weeks of wilbur destroying himself for the sake of explaining the shit he'd seen and he goes and demands that wilbur comes to bed one night and it goes a little something like this

"wil, come to bed"

"i have work to do"

"i dont give a shit, im shutting your laptop in ten seconds"

"no, i have shit to do. go cuddle with your husband" (< said bitterly)

"why are you being a bitch about this. we miss you" (< terrified this is wilbur shutting him down rn, but totally genuine)

"wtfdym you miss me. your husband is in there. you realize im your husbands ex right." (< getting increasingly upset)

"yeah. i mean. it doesnt really feel like you are ahymore, but if you want to call it that sure. but we miss you." (< catching on slowly. not fast enough)

"what" (< officially confused)

"have you not. noticed how much we're both kind of totally in love with you. really" (< losing his fuckingn mind)

"xander what the fuck are you talking about. what" (< also losing his fucking mind)

and then its a monologue about how john never stopped loving him and xander knew that if wilbur ever came back john would probably (definitely) go back to him in SOME capacity and he never minded. and then that happened and xander found himself doting on both of them and kind of maybe definitely falling really in love with wilbur and he can say not but. you get the point

by this point john is also here standing in the doorway (exhausted) (his fingers are crossed) and wilburs just stunned into silence for a while

and then he shuts his laptop and stands up and takes xanders (outstretched) hand and lets them take him to bed in silence and its. its his way of saying yes okay? its his way of telling them that he gets it, that he's done the same and that he loves them too

and they fall asleep together with wilbur in the middle. and its perfect

#this got so out of hand #whoops #wilbur/john/xander #raspberry writes #hatchetfield #alice answers asks !! #not even sure when i fleshed it out this much #last noght it was. 'lol what if they fell in love post b&w'

[jade-04]

Dove (Part 9)

Eddie Munson x fem!Henderson!reader and Steve Harrington x fem!Henderson!reader

first part | part 8

Summary: Dustin Henderson’s older sister finds herself in a predicament having to choose between Steve “the Hair” Harrington and Eddie “the Freak” Munson

a/n:  i’m pretty sure this is the last part, im gonna pretend like im not sad that it’s ending, but theres probably gonna be like a “homecoming and y’/n and Eddies life together” part knowing me. Also the gif I chose, once again has nothing to do with the chapter, I think this is just how Eddie looks at y/n

Warnings: cussing, mention of a deceased parent, this is just pure fluff

taglist: @happiejoon @simonsbluee @nervouslaught3r @7minutes-tomidnight  @sl-tfor-joseph-quinn @witheringawayagain @kik51199

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You were still feeling a little shaken, but the heart to heart with Dustin was much needed and it really helped you to figure out where your mind was at. You loved Steve, but you couldnt see him as much more than a friend and you couldnt stand the fact that you knew that would hurt him, it could even possibly lead to the possibility of you losing him. Eddie made you so happy, even Dustin said that he hadn’t seen you this happy since before your dad died. You had only been dating him for a week, but he came to your rescue when you needed it most and knew where to take you and what to do and that meant a lot. When you left Dustins room you had noticed Eddie was leaning against the kitchen island, staring off into the living room with a stressed look on his face. You walked over to him and wrapped him into a hug before he could say anything. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you close to him.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Eds. I just felt so lost.” You squeezed your eyes shut, to keep you from crying again. “When Steve kissed me then told me he liked me, it scared me. I was scared about what to do because he’s one of my only friends. I couldnt stand losing another person, so I did what I do best. I shut down.” 

“Its okay, love.” Eddie ran a hand through your hair. “I just wanted you to be okay. Yea, I was pissed at Harrington, but I cant blame him for fallin’ for ya. You’re the best girl in Hawkins.” He could feel you smile against him. 

“I thought it was going to end up being a choice between you and him, but I’m so glad it wasn’t. He could still be my friend and obviously, I’ll still have you. Only if you want me though?” You leaned back from the hug to look him in the eyes. 

“Of course I will. I want to be able to be there for you when this happens. You’re not losing me anytime soon.” He gave you a quick chaste kiss. 

Dustin came out of his room a bit after you knowing you would want to be alone with Eddie for a bit just to talk to him about how you feel and what happened. He was happy to see you and Eddie just sitting there enjoying the company of eachother. He knew he was the right guy for you, there was no denying it. The moment was interrupted when the phone rang. 

“I’ve got it.” Dustin said walking over to pick up the phone. When he answered, there was a mix of two voices arguing like they hadnt noticed that someone was speaking. “Henderson residence, this is Dustin.”

“Dustin, thank God.” Robin said into the phone. “Look, Steve here fucked up big time.” 

“I’m quite aware.” Dustin interrupted before letting Robin finish. 

“Okay okay, Henderson. I need to apologize to her and I dont know how.” This time it was Steve speaking into the phone. “I figured you’re her brother, you would know what to do.” 

“Uhhh…” Dustin looked back at you, covering the receiver with his hand. “Hey, (y/n)? What kind of flowers do girls like?” 

“Personally, I like daisies, but a lot of girls like roses. Why?” You quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Oh…uh, Lucas wants to get something for Max.” He nodded before turning back to the phone. 

“Still there little man?” Steve asked.

“Yea, yea I’m here. Give her daisies or roses, I recommend daisies, thats what my sister likes.” Dustin then moved to put his hand over his mouth to whisper into the receiver. “Bring them to the gig tomorrow. It’s at the bar near Lover’s Lake.” 

“Okay, I’ll be there. Do you want me to bring you?” Steve asked. 

“Yup, I’m gonna hang up now. Bye.” Dustin hung up the phone, pleased with the fact that both of the men he looked up to could still be civil with his sister, but could they be civil with eachother? 

-------------------------------

Saturday night came fast, you were anxious for your first performance. Eddie tried to convince you to just sit this one out after everything that happened yesterday, but you weren’t going to let the hard work of the band not pay off. You also were extremely excited to perform, especially because you were going to be performing with your boyfriend. Even on the ride to the bar Eddie would not let up on checkin in to make sure you were okay.

“Are you sure, (y/n)? I can turn the car around right now.” He would ask every few minutes just to hear you reply with the same thing over and over again.

“Yes, Eds. I’m fine, I will be fine.” 

He asked one last time as he pulled into a parking spot by the back entrance of the building. You replied with the same answer you had been giving him for the past 20 minutes and he got out to open your door. You both walked into the bar, Eddie’s arm around your waist. You noticed the rest of the band was already there and they were pretty much set up. You decided to head to the bathroom to make sure you looked okay, but also just to have a minute of alone time before getting out on the stage. It was colder in the bathroom than it was in the bar, which helped to ground you a bit. You walked in front of the mirror to make sure you outfit looked as good to you as it did when you left the house. Luckily, you still liked the outfit. You decided to wear that lacy top you wore to auditions with a red leather skirt and some ripped tights, your boots tying the look all together. You felt like Joan Jett, a definite confidence booster since you were nervous about this whole night. Taking a deep breath, you looked in the mirror one last time before walking on. 

The plan for the performance tonight, was for Eddie to introduce you as the new lead singer before singing the first song. You waited in the wings anxiously as the bar owner introduced Corroded Coffin, but you were instantly soothed at the sound of Eddie’s voice.

“How we doin’ out there tonight?” Eddie said, getting a few whoops and cheers in reply. “So, before we start, I want to introduce everyone to our newest, and most beautiful, band member…(y/n) Henderson.” Eddie motioned to you at the side of the stage, singalong for you to walk out. The walk onto stage was nerve-racking, but when you looked out into the crowd, you realized this was definitely something you could get used to. The cheers from the few people in the bar there to see you guys perform, but the one thing that caught your eye was your little brother standing with Robin and Steve towards the back of the crowd. It made you so happy to see the smile on Dustin’s face as he cheered for you as you walked on. By the time you were center-stage, Eddie had met you there and place an arm around your shoulder. “She’s my little dove and honestly, being with her has felt so damn freeing… also helps that she’s the peacekeeper in band arguments.” He chuckled a little. “She’s probably the best woman this band has ever seen and that I’ve had the pleasure to perform with and I can’t wait for you guys to see her work her magic.” Eddie leaned over to give you a quick kiss, he was immensely happy to be here with you and also he wanted to show every man in the bar that was eyeing you, that you were his girlfriend. 

Even though Steve had told himself that he was going to be just your best friend and sit on the sidelines, it hurt like hell to see you and Eddie kiss on stage. He was proud of you though, he remembered the first time he heard you sing. It was the beginning of the work day and the mall hadn’t even opened yet. You were walking past Scoops Ahoy with your headphones on, singing along to Storms by Fleetwood Mac. You were so carefree and didn’t care if anyone heard you. It was early in the morning and the song comforted you and it was your favorite song to sing. It was also the only song that reminded you of your father that you could listen to without crying. He introduced you to Fleetwood Mac and Journey and pretty much all the music you listened to. Now, in the present, Steve was excited to get to hear you sing once again.  

You took the microphone from Eddie’s hand. “Alright! Who’s ready for a show?” You said into the microphone as the band started playing the intro to Rock You Like A Hurricane. You performed the song just like you had practiced with Eddie, well almost exactly like you did with Eddie. You tried to focus on singing to the crowd more and also, you didn’t want to scar Dustin. The whole performance was amazing you were having probably the most fun you’ve had in a long time. You sang the last song of the set before bowing to the crowd and saying thank you. You turned around to look back at the band to see they were still set up to perform. Eddie walked up the microphone you had set down. 

“Now I know we typically only do 5 songs, but I wanted to add an extra song in here tonight. This one’s dedicated to the best girlfriend a man could have.” He looked over at you and winked. “I know this song brings a lot of emotions for ya, but I couldn’t help but learn to play it when you told me the story behind it.” 

The band started to play the intro to Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ by Journey. Your mind was brought back to the day you cried in the van with Eddie, telling him about how your parents used to slow dance to this in the living room. You remembered the tears streaming down your face and Eddie comforting you. That was the night you guys kissed for the first time. It was only a week ago, but it felt like he had been yours forever. When it got to the part where he would just repeat the “na na na na’s” he turned to the boys who continued to sing for him. He made his way over to you, hand held out saying he wanted to slow dance with you for the last minute of the song. You happily obliged. It felt amazing to be slow dance with him just the way your parents had when you were younger. Tears were streaming from your face, though this time they were tears of joy. Maybe you hadn’t completely checked all of the boxes of being exactly like you’re father, but it sure felt good to check this one off. 

At the end of the song, Eddie held onto you for a second before letting you go. Both of you turning to face the crowd and bowing. You made your way off the stage and over to Dustin. He has tears in his eyes and you couldn’t tell if it was from joy or sadness, but either way you gave him the biggest hug ever. 

“That was awesome, (y/n)!” He wiped a tear off his face. 

“Thanks, Dusty.” You wrapped him in another hug before turning to Robin.

“Proud of you, girly.” Robin said opening her arms for a hug too. You hugged her back, both of you squeezing each other so much it felt like you couldn’t breath. 

Then you looked at Steve, you hadn’t talked to him since everything that went down the day before. He offered up an awkward smile which you returned. You noticed he was holding flowers. A small bouquet of daisies and roses. You looked from the bouquet to him, expecting him to be the first to say something. 

“You did great out there, kiddo.” He apparently was a kind reader or just knew that the silence was becoming extremely awkward. 

“Thanks…what’s up with the flowers?” You raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

“I wanted to apologize and Robin said I should call Dustin to see what would work. He told me flowers and what you liked so, so I got those.” He held out the bouquet towards you.

“Oh…thanks…” You hesitantly took the flowers from him, once again giving an awkward smile. Eddie looked over from the stage where he was putting his guitar up to see Steve handing the flowers to you. He was a little nervous that Steve was trying to make a move on you again, so he made his way over. 

“What’s goin’ on over here?” Eddie came over and wrapped an arm around you before looking at Steve then bouquet. He didn’t want to sound overprotective, but he was a bit weary of Steve after the events of yesterday.

“Shit, I’m just now realizing how romantic this looks. I’m not trying to make a move, I promise.” Steve held up his hands, eyes darting between you and Eddie.

“Steve’s trying to apologize for yesterday.” You looked over at Eddie. “Dustin gave him the idea of flowers. He’s extending an olive branch…minus the branch, plus flowers.” You gave him a reassuring smile as if to say it’s okay.

“Ahh okay. I was a little nervous there for a moment, Harrington.” Eddie nodded towards Steve.

“Yea, completely understandable. I just want (y/n) to know I’m sorry. Truly am. I shouldn’t have done that, I still hope we can still be best friends. I know you’re scared of losing people and you’re not gonna lose any of us. Okay?” Steve motioned to the group surrounding you. 

“Okay.” You smiled. “Is it okay if we hug?” You asked Steve, nerves in your voice. 

“Of course.” Steve smiled before pulling you into a hug. The rest of the group joining in. 

This was pure bliss. After the 48 hours you’ve had, this hig with your favorite people was the cherry on top of a perfect night. You and Steve decided to stay best friends and you’re relationship with Eddie stayed perfect. There were ups and downs with both of them, but with both of them being some of the Henderson’s favorite people, they learned to get through it. You really were the dove of peace for them.

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a/n: okay so this is basically the “last part” to Dove, unless you guys want a Steve ending or I decide to write a part where it’s the future of y/n and Eddie, but for now I’m gonna work on some other fics Ive been thinking about for a while. I really hope you guys liked Dove &lt;3

#steve harrington #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things #stranger things s4 #henderson!reader #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie x reader #eddie stranger things #corroded coffin

[payphonex]

Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.

Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?

lost?

Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.

She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.

again.

We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.

Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.

I finally listened.

I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.

I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.

I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.

You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.

I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.

atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.

we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.

"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."

You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,

it.

was.

wrong.

Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.

I cant forget those nights.

I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla

Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.

You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.

The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.

I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.

You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?

because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?

you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.

It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"

You played me. you fucking used me.

you.

you fucking hurt me.

and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?

it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?

I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.

im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.

[i-go-by-whatever]

uh this is gonna be me processing how i feel one year after the news of technoblades passing. skip this one.

it was 10am on july 1st when i learned of the news. the first thing i saw when i woke up was dreams tweet and i just saw 'fuck cancer' and my heart fucking dropped. in that split second i was thinking 'oh no, did it get bad again?' i didnt think that he died. i had hope. when i watched the video and listened to his last words, my heart was shattered and i simply did not know what to do but cry for hours.

i had just got out of a week long 'down' state, when i had felt the worst ive been in years and i had one good day before i heard the news. i fell back into the sadness and it sucked. it sucked so bad.

every few hours id go on twitter and see more people react to it throughout the day. i watched as his family, friends, and community mourned him. every passing tweet made me cry. technoblade meant so much to a lot of people. he meant a lot to me too. and his death hit me so hard i was blindsided by the pain.

its an insane feeling to grieve over someone i dont know or never met, whom i only started watching for less than two years. it makes me feel insane to cry about it when none of my friends knew him. it feels insane how there is no tangible way techno had changed my life because i built no friendships through him, or made art of him, or was even an active member of the community. all i got was/is my love for him and his friends that he introduced me to. idk how to explain it, but it felt like i dont deserve to grieve him.

but obviously his community has been so loving through and through. we held each other, even though i personally spoke to nobody about it (given the fact that i dont talk to anyone or tweet on twitter and nobody irl knew him). theres still a weird feeling of loneliness and isolation despite the collective grief.

the toughest thing to watch was his father grieving him together with us. i had lost my father when i was a child and i watched his mother mourn him. it never made sense then that a parent should watch their kid die. it still doesnt make sense now. in some egotistical, nonsensical way, it felt like the universe did a trade with me.

i have never had any direct communication with technodad, but i think he had helped a lot in my processing my pre-existing grief over my father, together with our grief over technoblade, and everyone else i have lost in between. i will forever appreciate him for that.

sidenote: the dream technodad had about being at a gathering and he couldn't find technoblade. but turns out he was in the other room playing a game. and in the dream he was like 'oh thank god he's not dead' but when he woke up reality hit him like a truck?

yeah well, that was how it felt when i found out my dad passed away all those years ago. i woke up to a house filled with relatives and my mother pulled me aside to tell me my dad had passed away. he was the only person who wasnt there.

the grief i have for technoblade is so deeply intertwined with my grief for my father and i dont think i can ever succinctly explain it to anyone in my life. because they happened 16 years apart and had no connection whatsoever except for me whos in the middle. slowly processing my own grief.

(midwriting this i suddenly realized that after my birthday this year i will be older than technoblade could ever be and im sobbing silently in my room so my roommates cant hear me)

it sucks being someone who doesnt cry in front of people and struggle to ask for help or even a hug. the loneliness is palpable. thats why i wrote everything here.

i love you, technoblade.

i love you, dad.

im sorry to lump the two of you together like this. im a little insane, i know. i hope its okay.

#technoblade never dies

[forestgreenfairy]

A Teenage Kind of Love (salvis)

Episode 6 

(travis) 

The next day at school is a living nightmare, everyone asking me if I'm okay and saying their sorry for my loss, constantly reminding me, I just want it all to stop. I need a drink. After attendance in 3rd period I excused myself to the restroom and grabbed my bag from my locker heading off to the bathroom. I snagged a beer from the cabinet yesterday when my dad was asleep. I find my normal spot in the big stall and sit down when I hear the door open.

“Travis” says sally face gentle voice, god i really need to talk to him i think as i open the beer can and take a sip 

“Yes” i shoot back in almost a whisper 

“I was hoping you were in here, wanna talk?” he says sitting down on the other side of the stall door.

“Kind of” i say, i don't really know what i want to talk about but i know I just want to listen to him. My mind flashes to last week. When I put my hand on top of his and how nice it was. Fuck. 

“You don't have to if you don't want to, are you okay i know after your mom's thing” he says in a sad tone of voice

“Yeah I'm fine,” I pause , taking a deep breath. 

“Did you hear about what I did '' I cringe , saying that I haven't prayed actually in months, then out of nowhere I felt compelled like it was the right thing to do in the moment even though no one else was. I take another sip.

“Yeah… are you still religious i thought you were giving that up y'know since your dad” i never really thought about that, of course i believed in god and i dont think im ready to say goodbye to my faith at least not yet, but i definitely don't believe in the god my father does if he even believes in god. 

“I am just not the way my father is,” I say with immediate guilt washed over me, “one does not talk bad of one's father” my dad would say to me when I was little. 

“But i shouldn't be talking about him” i say taking another swig from the can. I carefully place the can underneath the stall door and he sighs pushing it back to me.

“I don't drink,” he says, sounding frustrated. 

“Why not” I ask, drinking has done nothing other than bring me comfort and help me forget and feel better. 

“I don't really wanna talk about it,” replied. I know his friend Travis smokes.

“Do you smoke?” I have a question.

“Sometimes” fuck, I made him uncomfortable. I grab my bag and booze and unlock the door. 

“I gotta go,”  I say , staring down at him. He nods and I leave. 

(sal) 

I knew it, he's been drinking. I feel so helpless like after the accident when my dad started drinking, how it was my fault. I know Travis drinking isn't my fault but I can't help but feel terrible, I mean do I need to tell someone? But on the other hand I don't want to seem like I'm intruding on his life by sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. Why was he asking about smoking? Does he want to smoke? I can't even think right. 

After school I meet Larry at the car and he's already inside blasting his new sanity falls CD. 

“Can you wait till we atleast get on the road for this?” I scream over the music and turn it down. 

“Its sick right? Now I can play music as loud as I want ALL the time, not just when my mom isn't home” we both laugh. That's one of the first things he said to me when we met and I asked him about living in the basement. 

“Can I ask you a question?” he nods, giving me his full attention. 

“Do you think you could get me some weed?” I say leaning back in the passenger seat.

“How much? And why” he questions.

“Ummm i don't know enough for two people ill pay don't worry. Because Travis was asking, ``I was gonna maybe invite him over to hang out,” I say and Larry raises an eyebrow.

“And you don't have a crush on him but you are willing to give him free weed?” I slapped his arm, I would have slapped him harder if he wasn't driving. 

“I don't… maybe” I say, running my hands through my hair and sliding down in my seat. 

“Duuuuuuuude your seriously fucked” he laughs.

“No I'm not.. He actually kinda sweet, its really his dad that fills his mind with all those things and thoughts” i say, and of course i dont even know if hes gay, i dont even know if im gay. Shit… i am fucked.

“Whatever you say” Larry rolls his eyes as he pulls into the parking lot.

“And yeah I can get you some weed. I'll bring it to your house tonight when I go get groceries.” he says getting out of the car.

(travis)

When my fathers car pulls up it's not him driving from Alysa i get in the back seat silently.

“Travis, I just want to talk to you about our new relationship, as I'm going to be your step-mother,” she says nervously, squeezing the wheel. 

“You are nothing like a mother to me Allysa your 22, 4 years ago MY mother was picking you up from highschool” she sighs. 

“And now i'm picking up MY son from highschool” she smiles in the rearview mirror. HER son? I will never be HER son I'm barely my fathers son. 

“ALYSSA you are not old enough to be picking up your son from kindergarten” i reply angrily and she again lets out another sigh. 

“Your father would not appreciate this, you have to understand we are getting married and that is the final young man!” she says sternly pulling into our gravel driveway. I can't help but laugh, young man? She's barely 5 years older than me. 

“Allysa you're barely 5 years older than me” I shout from the car as she stomps up the stairs inside slamming the door. When I reach the door it's locked. I jiggle the handle when I hear Alyssa from inside. 

“Go somewhere else travis! This is MY house and I can deny access to anyone I want, I AM AN ADULT” she yells. I cant fucking believe this, this girl just kicked me out of MY house. Where am I supposed to go? I mean I don't have any real friends… Do I just sit here? 

I guess I could.. Go to Sally's face.

I run around the side of the house and grab my bike from the shed.

#salvis #sally face #sal fisher #travis phelps #fanfic

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

#venting #sorry #and i took off my glasses so i cant see my screen that well so im not fixing the typos.. #ew why does being a human feel so gross..

[heystephen]

VENT 

idk i dont really have anyone i can talk to and more than anything, i just need to put my thoughts into words as a means of catharsis and to process, i guess? ive felt so alone lately and i feel like im kind of in this one sided thing lately. my girlfriend doesnt even ask me how my day was, which seems so small and trivial but i ask her about hers every single day, and she hasnt asked me about mine in days. we talk about her day, she disappears for hours in between texts, and thats it. and its like. idk. i feel like such a cunt cuz its like, is this really the end of the world? am i really upset cuz i dont get asked how i am or how my day was? but then im like. my fucking mom tried to kill herself earlier this month, she checked into rehab last week, gf knows im struggling, my birthday is this week and i wont get to see my mom whom im really close with and im heartbroken over it and traumatized from what happened earlier this month. and it feels like my problems are something annoying to her or a burden, when she does ask about me, she dips for 4 hours suddenly. its just. sad. i reply to her instantly when she needs something and i offer emotional support for every little thing she brings up and im not getting that in return. idk. it really hurts because this is coming from somebody who used to be really warm and involved with me, who now makes me feel like a chore to acknowledge. she’ll even acknowledge that she wasnt attentive but nothing changes, its like im not important enough or dont deserve change and i dont understand. i dont understand why im so alone in this relationship now, like what did i do wrong? 

and on top of that ive been dwelling on some things she said about how dating me with my bpd is draining. i know my highs and lows make me difficult, its all i think about sometimes, but i thought i was doing so good and it felt like a punch in the gut. she said she doesnt like when i joke about my god complex, i felt really hurt because thats the only time i ever feel good about myself. 98% of the time i hate myself and i wish i was dead, when i can find it in myself to joke about being ~so superior~ its such a nice break from hating every inch of myself and everything that exists within me. its so hard for me to properly make sense of everything im feeling because the second she comes around and gives me attention, not half-assed attention but the real thing, it all goes away and i forget how i felt when i was lonely. im so happy when she has time for me, you know? im so happy when i matter to the person who matters so much to me.

#do not reblog #probably delete l8r

[lusciouslii]

actually yknow what forget that, my kink blog ill post whatever little thoughts i want. even if im just yelling into the void at least i get to yell!

longer rant incoming bc im tired and want this out of my system!!

-

so i met this guy on feabie and immediately it was super exciting because we go to the same college!!

hes also super fucking hot which was its own weird thing bc ive really never experienced like physical sexual attraction so that was weird. but yeah dude looks good and he has a nice voice so thats already not helping me

we’ve met up a couple times now, once to sorta test the waters, once just to cuddle in my room???? which looking back it was at that point i was straight up fucked because as someone who had recently gotten out of a bad relationship in which all my needs and emotions had been completely neglected, having that kind of sweet and affectionate intimacy?? all while my chubby body is being praised and adored??? never once had that in my LIFE.

the other few times has been pretty lowkey too. we did do a feeding session once but i got sick and it was the most humiliating thing. but he was so nice and caring and we continued to talk afterwards so i just try not to think about it anymore lol

we didnt talk much over the summer since i had to go back home across the country, but he reached out a few times and i was like damn ok im still of interest to him

this semester started great because i planted the seed (aka posted a pic showing i was back over here) knowing he would probably see it and if he’d say anything, and he fucking did he reached out and was excited i was back and wanted to meet up soon. schedules were a little rough but eventually we did!

i felt extra happy because it was sort if spur of the moment decision and he was moving back an online hangout he’d been planning with friends for a couple weeks. so i was like omg he really wants to see me even if only for a little bit thats so nice

and now that we have several months ahead of us we started talking about doing more of a feeder/feedee setup and things like that and im, obviously, super into the idea, and he seemed super into it too!! the dirty things he said to me that night!!!! not fair!!!!!!!

i sent pics later that night bc we talked about it and he said he’d “return the favor” lol but the. like. i sent them and he didn’t say anything until i posted a pic to feabie 🙃 and he was like oh sorry i completely missed your text! which like alright, and he asked me how i was doing and blah blah brief smalltalk

i asked if he wanted to meet up again soon and he said “Yea I’d be down, I gotta see what’s going on tho / need to play it by ear”

now heres where i get all introspective because to me, i dont see why we couldnt just schedule something in the future. unless, that is, hes trying to keep his schedule open for other stuff. i can get that to a certain degree, and i have to like. really ponder on it because i dont want to be some clingy needy girl who is fawning after a guy im not even dating, but its like….idk it makes me feel kinda sad? that im not enough of a priority to want to pick a set day to do something? so idk how to feel about that exactly

anyways i tried asking again some days later and he wasnt free, no surprise, usually when we do something its sorta this impulsive last minute thing, which again like. sorta plays into that whole im not really a priority unless idk youre horny or something

but its weird cause it seems like he does care and does want more than just horny shenanigans? we havent had sex yet and have only even had one actual feeding session. soooo worlds most patient fuckboy if thats the case but i just really dont get those vibes

but also im gullible and see the best in people i care about and thats how i got fucked over in my last relationship

im just feeling pretty sad about the whole thing right now because we talked about doing all these things and i really want that but hes so uncommunicative and im afraid of being obsessive. again, might be on me too because im going in thinking maybe theres a chance to do more

but then again even if there isnt thats FINE i just want to do SOMETHING lmao

so now im just left wanting and thinking about him a lot and oh yeah need i remind WE GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL WHY CANT WE JUST MEET UP CASUALLY ONE AFTERNOON 😭

idk but im afraid of maybe ruining the best relationship ive formed in this kink after figuring out what i wanted from it. god even now im just like “youre thinking too hard about this it doesnt matter that much, youre supposed to be flexible and chill and just go with the flow cause its just a little side thing” but welp. my brain is noisy and i dont have a good outlet. another problem of not having friends in this kink but im not good at responding to people which online is the only way to talk to people and now im just rambling

anyways ending this here and hoping he’ll reach out eventually cause boy does the heart yearn 🥲🥲🥲

#also WOW i pray he doesnt somehow find this #he doesnt have my tumblr #but it wouldnt be too hard to figure out from what he does have

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 94

When did the breakup happen? 

A little over a week ago - a week and two days. They broke up with me last Saturday and its now Monday

2. How long was the relationship? 

We were officially together for a month but we had been seeing each other for two months. We became official exactly one month after we met 

3. Were you blindsided or expecting?

A little of both honestly. I felt like everything was going great and although we both knew it was going to come to an end eventually, I thought we were on the same wavelength about our relationship. They started acting weird about a week and a half before the breakup, but I tried to ignore it, but by the time they told me they needed a break from weeknight stays, I knew that was the beginning of the end. I felt so much anxiety, dread, and sadness that week, just knowing in my gut that it was done. It was basically solidified by the time they hadn’t texted me in almost two days. And then the dreaded, “lets get coffee” text came in. Yup, that was it. I say I was both because it just seemed like we were okay, and then suddenly it was not and I didnt know why at first 

4. Who ended it?

Steven ended the relationship. They said that they needed to focus on their last few months here and doesn’t have the space for something so serious or that will get them attached. I told them I had already gotten there, that I was attached already and was going to miss the,. They just said id be okay. They did make sure tell me it wasn’t anything with me, but with them. That anyone would be lucky to be with me since “all ive been is wonderful”

I keep having day dreams of them texting me, asking to see me, wanting to see me, wanting to hang out with me. I wish everyday that I will see their name pop up on my phone and everyday it gets worse and worse that they dont. Lila says that the hope of that will dissipate in time, but as of right now, I just feel more and more sad as they days go on. I want to reach out but im not going to. They were the ones who needed space and I am not going to be the annoying ass ex who texts them first. When they want to speak to me, they will reach out. And honestly, as hard as it is to think about it, that may be never. They said we could check in on each other every so often, but how truthful were they about that? They may have just been saying that and in actuality, they are never going to. I want them to so badly. I miss them so fucking much. Its so weird because im not crying as much as I thought I would, especially considering how much I cried about Liam and Ryan, but its not like im any less sad about Steven breaking up with me, I actually think im more sad about them then I was about Ryan, but im just not crying. It feels weird, I want to cry, but its not happening.  Instead, I just feel the sadness on its own, its just a pit in my stomach. I want them back so badly. I think about them every single day, not one day has gone by since the breakup that I dont think about them at least once. I do hope they think about me every so often, even if its just been a single thought in the entire time since they broke it off. I wish I had asked them how they were feeling about it all, if they were sad or if they just wanted it to be over. Lila said that they definitely think about me, they havent just forgotten the last two months, and that they cared about me, but its just hard to really believe that when I dont even know how sad they felt about everything. I did make sure to ask them that they actually did like me, since I never got that closure with Liam, and they said they did, so that makes me feel a little bit better, but not by much since I dont know the extent to how they felt or how much they liked me. I just know I liked them more, which really hurts, but I was expecting nothing less, which I couldn’t considering it was going to be short term from the beginning. I just wish they would reach out so I dont have to continuously think about them not reaching out. I want them to be sad and miss me, even if that sounds bad. I dont want to be the only one negatively affected by this break up.  I hope they feel even a little sad about not being with me anymore. 

#love #heartbreak #breakup #brokenhearted #relationship #journal

[qualityempathshoebear]

2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3