#I'm not saying it's going to be as bleak as this

[patchwork-crow-writes]

The Definition of Insanity

You snap wires.

Frantic fingers spindle across the inky blackness, taking hold of taut strings the colour of poison. You retch slightly as they pull apart in your hands, bursting like blood vessels and staining everything they touch with the stench of death.

You snap wires.

And all the while, his voice bores into your skull, wheeling and dealing even as he tries to kill you. Even as you try your very hardest to give him what he wants.

You snap wires.

SOUL burning hot like a phoenix in its final moments, shooting down offer after offer, pleading with this jittering, broken creature to stop, stop, please stop before one of us does something we're both going to regret...

You snap wires.

You can't remember how long you've been doing this for. You don't even know what you're doing, why you ever listened to his words in the first place. What had he promised in the space between his outbursts... and to whom?

And still, you snap wires. It's either that or die.

So you snap, and you snap, and you snap, and you

snap

Then there's only one left, shimmering in the darklight, so gossamer-thin that you cannot comprehend how it can still support the clanking, man-shaped junk it's attached to. He spins around it like a demented ballerina, professing heartfelt thanks to the friends he was trying to murder mere seconds before. Pleading with you to cut the final cord, to make him a real boy.

Your fingers move before you can respond. And the sound of his cold, lifeless body slamming into the ground stays with you for the rest of your life. The shock is so great that you almost collapse yourself, adrenaline finally loosing its death-grip on your body.

You are wracked with a great and terrible sigh, before you--/

/--snap wires.

...strings the colour of poison... bursting like blood vessels... stench of death.

...you've been here before, you realise, as you snap wires.

He wheels and deals, firing everything he has at you in a vain attempt to get you to give him what he wants. You would if you could... if it had ever been in your power to do so.

All you can do now is snap wires. And that is all you do.

Your fingers move on their own, as if compelled by an outside force. Pinch and twist, reminding you of shelling peas with your mom before Sunday dinner.

You can't recall the last time you saw her. You think that perhaps you should apologise to her if you ever make it out of here alive. You were always such a wilful child. Always getting into trouble of some kind or another.

And now here you were, making deals with something you couldn't even begin to fathom.

You cannot hear your friends anymore - they do not respond to you calls. And the salesman seems to become all-encompassing before you, drunk on ill-gotten power - power you helped him acquire. You close your eyes as he makes you an offer that you are unable to refuse.

Pain washes over you, and you--/

/--snap wires.

Poison... Blood... Death... this could be the fifth time; it could be the five-hundredth time. It doesn't matter, because all you can do is snap wires.

The salesman screams at you, and your SOUL screams back, roaring with anger and pain and frustration. Does it want the same thing as you do? Is it... trying to help? Or... or is this just a game to it. Fighting the same battle again and again, trying for a high score?

You ponder this as it makes you snap wires.

Perhaps this was punishment for trying too hard. For trying to help somebody who seemed to be suffering. You never understood what your mother meant when she told you the road to hell was paved with good intentions. To your child's mind, not yet versed in the world's wicked ways, this statement was a nonsense, an affront.

But now you get it, as you snap wires. Oh God, do you understand.

You always knew he was the same as you. Something BIG had seized his heart, just as it has seized yours. Prisoners of a destiny that was not theirs. You saw a caged bird crying for release, but you did not see the venomous spider using its corpse as a suit. In trying to make him more like you, you exposed yourself to the risk of becoming more like him.

Damaged. Deranged. Desperate. Dangerous.

And as your fingers become snared in his wires, and you stare transfixed into each other's eyes, you see the fate set out before you, and scream.

______________________________________________________________

You snap wires.

Sometimes, you live.

Sometimes, you die.

It doesn't matter.

You snap wires.

#writing #fiction #fanfiction #deltarune #drabble #no beta #angst #existential horror cw #blood cw #implied death cw #Kris dreemurr #Spamton G Spamton #fate and destiny #loss of control #game resets #time loops #something to tide people over while I start editing Chapter 7 #I'm not saying it's going to be as bleak as this #but it's definitely in that ballpark #so look forward to that :P

[rabbitprayer]

No desire to convert to catholicism but the desire to kind of pretend that no schisms ever happened.

#[sigh] and we'll pray that our unity will one day be restored and they'll know we are christians by our love #txt #It's the bi-monthly angst about denominations don't mind me #whichever church I'm attending I know it's better than my very bleak new age era so it's not worth getting too upset over I suppose #what do you do when the UCC is too reformed and not litergical enough but catholics don't like gays or ordain women and episcopalians #make me angry because they like to ignore the atrocities they orchestrated in the southern united states and honestly every single #denomination has blood on their hands from various atrocities and ugh #too transgender for orthodoxy also #the eastern orthodox church in my city says that women can't wear pants that aren't obviously pants meant for women #so I can't check it out #I will keep going to my UCC church

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

#isa screams #long post #gif #flashing #i think? Lemme know if I'm incorrect on that one alksdjfLKSJDJDSG #I don't normally talk this much so its kinda strange? #its kinda nice to be more honest about this stuff though #I'm a bit more of a private person so its hard to find the balance between wanting to discuss things openly and honestly #but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do #its a tricky thing #but today I felt like doing this and I think that's okay #if i regret it I just won't do it again alsdjLSDJLFJSGSDG #thanks if you read this! I appreciate it! #I'm a pretty smalltime artist relatively. So sometimes it feels as though it doesn't mater what i say or express. #But hm. I doubt its really that simple or bleak #And if I don't respect myself then well. Who will right? #And I want to learn how to be happy with how little or how much I get #part of the reason I've done so poorly mentally as an artist is chasing numbers and outside praise instead of asking the harder questions #am i happy with what i do? what I make? Who I am #I'm going to probably be working on those questions and problems for the rest of my life. #But thats okay. Thats not a bad thing :)

[vaxxman]

@ The people who make colouring books where you just colour parts of the human body to study the anatomy: I want to kiss you on your mouth.

#60 seconds till mission begins rambles #I've been so deprived of drawing Medic lately I feel so bleak #I'm not a big fan of colouring but a class I'm taking this year has The human brain colouring book listed in the class literature #Immediately went to loan it at the library and scan all 300 pages; I'm going to send it around in class like a dealer #All is fair in Software Piracy and Academia; yall should have made it free and open source in the first place #For legal reasons I will add here that it makes no difference if my teacher who owns a copy made copies and distributed them in class #The neuro branch isn't even my field of specialisation but I never say no to a bit of medical knowledge #Me @ my Prof who collaborates with people doing work on Parkinsons and Alzheimer pspspsps tell me more; let me in

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

You know, I'm glad that some of us take the step to embrace things that we like even if they're "cringe" or "objectively bad"

But perhaps we could take the next step forward and embrace the idea of reading into books/shows/movies/etc even if they don't seem deep. Perhaps we could understand that the two kinds of media aren't either "shallow and meaningless so you're weird and brainrotted to read into it" or "incredibly and profoundly deep in every way so if you don't analyze every single angle of the thing then you're brainrotted". Some media is deeper than others, but all I propose is that no matter how deep it seems it's acceptable to dig into the thing and take the media seriously instead of just assuming that because of ____ thing (such as target audience or how cringe it is) the media not deep and will never be deep and everything good about it happened on accident.

#fandom wank #i just be ramblin #I'm not putting this in any tags #I'm just frustrated that Sonic Prime is going to be remembered by the bulk of its fanbase/people who watched it as a shallow stupid badly #written kid's show where the only thing good about it that we can even consider was created on purpose and is deep is Sonadow #I'm frustrated that when people learned that sometimes the death note creators did things because it was cool and not because they were #planning for it to be some great symbolism that so many people jumped from 'death note is a masterpiece and every bit of it is meticulously #thought out the curtains are never blue' to 'pack it up guys! the curtains are just blue! Everything good about death note like that #profound relationship I like and the neat symbolism completely happened by accident and Ohba sucks as a writer otherwise' #I'm frustrated when I see people talk about 'a kid's show' as if it's not gonna be deep at all or written well *because #it's a kid's show and then turn around and complain that said show sucks and isn't deep at all (even if that's how they're choosing to look #at it and they could see the care put into the story if they didn't go into it assuming that it will be lesser and shallow and dumb based on #what it is) #I guess it's also just getting me on this random Wednesday the idea that the bulk of one's viewers determine the legacy of a piece of media‚ #no matter how close or far away they are from painting the media as it actually is or tries to bw #It's also just bleak (especially from a manga/anime standpoint) that if your work is considered profound and intellectual‚ then any reveal #of something not being deep is grounds for people to completely swap how they think of your work and how they see you as a writer #And any work that's considered 'not actually that deep' from the getgo ends up with people only engaging with it seriously saying stuff like #'I know nothing about it is purposeful or deep but I like it' #and just ends up with prevailing opinion putting down anything percieved as 'good' or 'profound' about the work as a complete fluke

[sskk-manifesto]

♡

#Wow. Okay ♡ #I love this episode. The animation is flawless. The drawings quality is out of the world for real. #I love this episode so much I'm so grateful so much care and dedication went to this sskk centered episode. #(Refraining to talk about what 5x03 could have been) #Sorry for repeating myself but seriously the illustrations this episode are so so pretty. #I rarely appreciate how Akutagawa is drawn in the anime but when it comes with this episode I really like how he looks too. #And Atsushi that I already like a lot in the anime on average‚ this episode is just fabulous. Handsome even. #Seriously I don't know who the animators are but I want to kiss them. This art style is one I dare say I like even more than Dead Apple– #that although is obviously more detailed is just... In comparison too rough for my personal taste? #The art style for this episode is very delicate and soft and I love it tons #And the directing is just great. No weird pacing or awkward ost choice. It's neat. #The reiterated placing ss/kk on opposite sides is neat. The lightening is likeable and especially the purple scene is super pretty. #The “don't compare me to him” scene is neat. The ss/kk final scene is AMAZING. It's gorgeous and stunning and awestriking and every other– #epitome in the world. It's like the only scene I believe turned out better in the anime that it is in the manga which is saying SO MUCH. #But it's really that good!!!!! My favourite anime ss/kk scene ever. #Aaaaaahhh please let me talk about it forever it's sooo pretty and especially poignant... #The heaven-like soft yellow light and how it contrasts with the bleak stormy background. But especially their softening features... #Man that scene. okay. Akutagawa's quiet surprise!!!! That scene is. Idk. Unfortunately chapter 88 exists– #but it's nearly the most romantic thing ever. #I'll leave it at this. It's not like the bsd animation suddenly became a masterpiece and this is still an episode– #I would say I like less than my least liked k/l/k episode (Trigger animation my beloved). But in comparison with the rest of the anime– #It's really bsd anime at its peak #random rambles #Aah peoples btw I'm probably going to spam ss/kk‚‚‚‚ a lot today. Apologies in advance unfollow me now etc. etc.

[finexbright]

so much of what happened holds great significance not only to harry but to every single one of us. him acknowledging the flags, asking the fans to hold them up proudly, and thanking the audience for creating such a safe environment at his shows -- all these things weren't done in solidarity alone, they came from the heart of someone who's very much in the same community as us. he wants those flags there, he wants that pride there, he wants this safe space for both himself and for us, as has been the case for years now. the speech that he gave today came from a place of familiarity, he couldn't have said those words in the way that he did if he were just an ally. it was one of the very few times he acknowledged the flags using his words and i think that's monumental. rainbows are basically synonymous to harry's concerts now and it's because we felt safe and proud enough to do it and he wanted us to do it because he feels safe and proud too. i hope every single person who's been part of this fandom knows just how important whatever you do is. you are all important.

#soni says things #harry styles #i just. look. the thing is #it matters so so much to me and i wasn't even in the crowd and i know there's thousands others who feel the same #given how bleak things are with the stunt or whatever it was a big deal him being able to say those words #and i can't even imagine how incredibly difficult it must've been to navigate through that #to hold so much back and yet to be able to convey just how much he supports us too #rainbows at his concerts have been a thing since 1d days and he's been carving this space for us to be free ever since then #and we've received so much hate for it and we've been bullied and abused and faced with such brutality just for holding flags up #i won't lie to you. i was terrified of going to my harry show with my flag and thanks to some lovely friends i had an amazing time #and i know so many others were too and i hate that. i absolutely hate that the space harry created is shattered #and it hurts my heart to see it #because he needs those flags as much as we do #and i'm so glad that there's more and more projects being made and that the safe space is coming back again #i guess this is just me saying - #i am proud of harry and i am proud of us #and i hope we don't rest until his shows are nothing but a blur of happy faces and rainbows and colours and pride #we did that once we can definitely do it again #we are in this queer shit forever bbies

[starlitsilver]

also - I was looking through Netflix's documentary section last night (not for anything in particular, actually, i just wanted to watch something informational) and i came across a doc called Children of Gaza - it's about the effects of the 2014 war, and it focuses on a few children talking about what happened to them, and what life is like in a warzone, and how you keep going despite everything. it's bleak, obviously, but if you need a more personal view into the situation, i think it's a good resource, and I would imagine that it mirrors what's happening right now pretty well

#palestine #children of gaza #there's some kind of graphic scenes in there because. i mean. they're filming in a war zone #but i think it's good to be able to see what life under military suppression is like #i'm gonna try to document some informational resources like this as i go through them. we'll see how far i get with that #i dont actually like netflix's documentary section much considering that it hosts things like ancient fucking aliens #and ancient apocalypse. alongside actual journalism. but it's not all bad ig #and i should say. it's not all bleak. it's depressing #but these kids are still just trying to live their lives. i did not end the documentary feeling like things were hopeless

[medicinemane]

.

#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better #forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood #I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself #by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good #everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice #but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care #not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening #it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me #I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet #and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information #but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived #that's where I'm totally blind #people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking #and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed #and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden #but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters #and I do not #I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to #and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well... #and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this #but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off #not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out #and a scrap of company #but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do #sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past #there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done #I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to #no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to #certainly let them talk about them when they want #...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing

[this-acuteneurosis]

Ive been haunted recently of a delightfully bleak story premise that goes like Yoda wounded Sideous but died of his wounds, Sideous cant rush to Mustafar So Vader dies but like the aftermath is Obiwan survived and Palaptine Survived and that's it on each side. but the TWINS cause their survival means Obi sits in the desert/somewhere cause survival, BLEH, but ONLY trained master so maby not? or what if one twin got taken by Palps, one by luke? or just real bleak, twins and Padme die. thoughts?

I am very sorry friend, I think you brought this idea to the wrong person. I am not bleak enough for this.

My first thought, if Palpatine is too injured to get to Anakin, is that there's no way he gets a twin. Padmé was on Mustafar too. So that's out.

Setting that aside, you wanna know who's on the ship with Obi-Wan after Mustafar?

Bail Organa.

And Palpatine, the man behind the schemes, is down for the count. The brand new Emperor, critically injured.

Bail's back on Coruscant so fast there's galactic whiplash. He's got a delegation of 2,000 lined up, he's got to have plans for who was going to step in for Palpatine. And hey, Anakin just murdered a bunch of Separatist leaders, so the war's basically over. Ish. Padmé is dead, but it happened on Mustafar where the Separatists were. Spin the hell out of that story and you've got some great pathos to work with.

Bail immediately disassembles the Empire, gets a good person installed, and laughs over Palpatine's immobile body. Maybe even discreetly gets him killed. Sure, Yoda's gone, but Palpatine is critically injured? It's only murder if they can prove it was medical malpractice.

I suppose the twins could have died with Padmé, which would be sad. But if they’re alive, I think Bail has Obi-Wan take both children to Alderaan. It was Yoda's suggestion to split them up, and to send Luke to Tatooine. Bail would want Obi-Wan close, somewhere safe until they can prove the Jedi were framed (and stop the clones from killing Jedi on sight). If Obi-Wan has no babies to take care of, Breha can fuss over him. If he has babies to take care of, well...he'll be grieving, but he'll have something to do.

If Obi-Wan refused to go to Alderaan and took himself and the kids to Tatooine, he'd still probably hit up the Lars farm first. Either they take both and he lurks in the desert, not so different than his original story except that Luke and Leia definitely figure out how to use the Force as children by sheer proximity to each other and shenanigans. Which is fine because Bail will have things sorted out for the Jedi in the next decade or so. No need for them to hide. Or they take both, take a long look at Obi-Wan, and are like, we need more hands on deck, this is two babies, your new room's on the left.

Even if Bail took Leia and scampered off with her, as long as he has the government back on track, Leia and Luke are reunited in several years when it's safe again.

#as sad as Yoda dying might be I think it doesn't matter as long as he wounds Sidious badly enough #100% worth it #noble sacrifice #now the real work can begin #now if you wanted to say Palpatine is in good health still #but just lets Anakin die #then I think we can get pretty bleak again #but I'm not sure it's significantly more bleak than canon #and again if he doesn't go to Mustafar #he's not getting a twin

[silverior968]

You know what's half upsetting half pretty funny? There's this song I absolutely love and I've always wanted to put it in a character playlist, but it is just so bleak that I've never been able to justify putting it in a character playlist. Keep in mind I have a playlist for Anton Shudder, the guy who is so depressed he can turn it into a literal physical weapon. He's like the king of bleakness but the song was just too bleak. Well, I've finally found a character whose playlist I can put that song into -- and it's a fucking TFP character. I checked the song, counted all the lines in it (44) and all the lines out of those that don't fit him (9). As a percentage that means that 80% of the lyrics of one of the bleakest songs I know fit a guy from a show I watched when I was 11. Life is absurd.

#not art #text post #I'm not putting this in the tags because it is literally 10% fandom content 90% me rambling about a song #if you really want to know the song in question is “The Alien” by Manchester Orchestra #and when I say it's bleak I mean it. Content warning for attempted suicide and mentions of child abuse and traffic accidents #the lyrics I discounted weren't even because they were too bleak! I had to discount all the ones that mention biological family! #it's such a pretty song though #the singer of that band has such an incredible voice it's like he's harmonizing with himself #also me saying this song is bleak also means a lot when you know what type of music i listen to #all I'm saying is that one friend had to stop listening to my playlist because it was too sad #and that was the anton playlist! the playlist that this song was too bleak for! #another reason it can't go in the anton playlist #is because the main character of the song says he didn't mean to hurt anyone several times #and that's just blatantly not true for anton #he doesn't like hurting anyone but sometimes he has to and he does it intentionally #meanwhile dr. blorbo over here only has like 1 person on his hitlist #i love making posts where the tags are longer than the post itself #this is like the secret club for all of you in the audience who got curious enough to read my ramblings

[purewater100]

face reveal

#vent in tags #Erm sorry guys not to be personal on my personal blog but #i'm so fucking miserable. #constantly. #i try to be happy i really do i mean i have friends and two partners and a wonderful dog and a roof over my head and food and i have so muc #i have so much to be happy and thankful over and wonderful friends i get to talk to Every Day #yet all it does is give me a distraction. something to focus on and as soon as it's gone i get reminded how fucking bleak everything is #i'm so miserable #i'm constantly drowning in my own fucking misery and i don't know how to stop. #i can't afford therapy and i can't ask my family to pay for it for me bcuz my mother doesn't have the money either #and even if she did would i even go? #i've isolated myself from everyone. it's been years since i've last talked to someone irl (that i don't live with). my life is so empty #and all it does is make me feel worse #even when i'm fixated on an interest or two my daydreams of it are completely ruined by my misery bleeding into it lmfao #when i'm not thinking about how awful i feel i'm thinking about dying and when i'm not thinking about dying i'm thinking about how hopeless #my future is and rinse and repeat it just repeats and repeats and Repeats #i say i can't remember my days because i have a bad memory but the truth is it's because every day is the fucking same #every day i do the same shit i drown in my misery work a little or focus on something i'm into for like an hour before laying in bed and #thinking about dying Again and it just repeats over and over every hour every day every week every fucking month #i'm so miserable. #i want to kill myself. i want to die; but i know i'm too much of a fucking pussy to do it now lmfao #i want to die

[dingusships]

bigass vent over general life things

things in general are really not great i don't really have any optimism for the future or making a life for myself. like i don't really have any drive or ambition to look forward or work towards anything good/meaningful because as time goes on there are going to be really bad life events that i just don't think i can keep facing anymore. and theyre going to be worse. i'm just dragging along life solely on the basis that i was plopped here to just Exist and that's my task at hand that i'm reluctantly upholding. just exist until it's over

#when i say 'i'm 25' 'i'm going to be 26' it does not feel right coming out of my mouth. i do not feel just 25 or 26 i feel far far older #mentally and physically #when i'm around other people my age i just feel on a completely different plane of experience from everyone else #idk. i've always been a naturally anxious and socially stunted person & def have some kind of lingering trauma that keeps me from connectin #w people. but also having no family members or relatives anywhere near my age (~17 yrs older than me at the least) while i was growning up #probably did something to me as well. my entire life has just been witnessing family members decline and die like dominoes over the course #of 25 years. like i know all about end of life care and legal paperwork and shit like that. i know what grief is like and #seeing how it affects people. i know the stages of dread and worry and numbness & guilt-ridden relief that comes with being terrified 24/7 #for an ailing family member over the course of years. knowing what it's like to grieve people who arent dead yet but you know it's coming #and then when the inevitable happens it's horrible. but also you're so exhausted from the strain that you're mostly numb. and then you feel #a sense of relief that the worst is over they're not suffering anymore you don't have to dread it anymore. which obviously makes you #question if you're some kind of deranged asshole for feeling that way. idk #25 for me has been a very eye-opening age where i'm fully realizing how fast time passes. i thought i was at around 18-20 but i was really #just first becoming aware of it. #i know how to view the world from that lens bc that's all i know. i only see life as a preparation for the end #instead of a beginning. or at least see it as a beginning at this current point in my life #covid/lockdown has definitely been a source of mental drain on me as well. the constant fear and paranoia of getting sick AND what sort of #long term consequences i could have due to getting it twice. and what i could have if i get it more than twice #add that with the general social and political climate right now and it's just...so very bleak. home life is bleak & outside world is bleak #vent

[taconafide2]

my heart is going to explode<3

#i had many many positive thoughts today besides it being as bleak of a day as any . maybe because i called my mother:) #i liked today's lecture too #but yeah yeahw i have hopes for the future etc but i'm also slowly rotting away because i have nobody to hug me . . . lolllll #i haven't cried this *year* at all so that's a 11 day streak and i don't. exactly feel like it but i feel like #if i don't cry often enough all this rot is going to accumulate in me #i'm not sure it's something everyone experiences #it doesn't exactly feel like it when i look around because people usually have something of a stable identity they introduce themselves #with #yet i feel like mine either fell apart or never existed #and it's hard to operate in this world as a non-person who barely speaks. because i don't know what i'm supposed to say #no curiosity no nothing just a void in my head most times #and i assume that radio silence and a couple of automated responses isn't really enough for people to talk to me #and there comes the social death #i'm just rotting internally in general and hoping something new can still grow on it #sooner than later preferably..

[homunculus-argument]

Another worldbuilding application of the "two layer rule": To create a culture while avoiding The Planet Of Hats (the thing where a people only have one thing going for them, like "everyone wears a silly hat"): You only need two hats.

Try picking two random flat culture ideas and combine them, see how they interact. Let's say taking the Proud Warrior Race - people who are all about glory in battle and feats of strength, whose songs and ballads are about heroes in battle and whose education consists of combat and military tactics. Throw in another element: Living in diaspora. Suddenly you've got a whole more interesting dynamic going on - how did a people like this end up cast out of their old native land? How do they feel about it? How do they make a living now - as guards, mercenaries? How do their non-combatants live? Were they always warrior people, or did they become fighters out of necessity to fend for themselves in the lands of strangers? How do the peoples of these lands regard them?

Like I'm not shitting, it's literally that easy. You can avoid writing an one-dimensional culture just by adding another equally flat element, and the third dimension appears on its own just like that. And while one of the features can be location/climate, you can also combine two of those with each other.

Let's take a pretty standard Fantasy Race Biome: The forest people. Their job is the forest. They live there, hunt there, forage there, they have an obnoxious amount of sayings that somehow refer to trees, woods, or forests. Very high chance of being elves. And then a second common stock Fantasy Biome People: The Grim Cold North. Everything is bleak and grim up there. People are hardy and harsh, "frostbite because the climate hates you" and "stabbed because your neighbour hates you" are the most common causes of death. People are either completely humourless or have a horrifyingly dark, morbid sense of humour. They might find it funny that you genuinely can't tell which one.

Now combine them: Grim Cold Bleak Forest People. The summer lasts about 15 minutes and these people know every single type of berry, mushroom and herb that's edible in any fathomable way. You're not sure if they're joking about occasionally resorting to eating tree bark to survive the long dark winter. Not a warrior people, but very skilled in disappearing into the forest and picking off would-be invaders one by one. Once they fuck off into the woods you won't find them unless they want to be found.

You know, Finland.

[lucyschens]

i'm curious: if a friend is having a birthday get together and another friend (possibly others too) decided to get an expensive cake (that you most likely cannot eat bc health reasons) and told the guests they were splitting the cost without asking you if you could contribute and knowing you're currently unemployed and low on funds — would you be upset?

i had allocated some money for getting a gift but because of how expensive this cake is (and i'm essentially obligated to give the money because it's already bought), i can't get the gift anymore. like... i know the cake is for my friend and and it's not about me but at the same time, i can't afford spend any extra money and they know that and there was zero notice. i just don't know if i'm justified in feeling upset because it makes me feels selfish...

#if the cake had been cheaper and we only owed like $5-10 i'd be okay with that #like i could afford that #but it's more than that and idk if i'm justified in feeling upset #i feel bad for feeling upset bc this isn't about me but i just... idk #should i just go to the other friend and say i can't afford it? i just... idk #being unemployed is such a pain 😭 #i'm job hunting but it's bleak out there #kay rambles