#If I was ever going to sh. tonight would be prime time
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Me sending in the irl group chat that I'm stressed af and need tips to manage it and the crush privately replies that there's no shame in spreading out our degree to lower the workload, and offers to direct me to the uni help center T_T
#he's so cute and kind but also this is incredibly humiliating ahaha#If I was ever going to sh. tonight would be prime time#I don't have a habit liek that tho I just loath myself
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The Kiss
◐ PART VIII of THE ALPHA ◐
◐ Series Masterlist ◐
◐ Part I ◐ Part II ◐ Part III ◐ Part IV ◐ Part V ◐ Part VI ◐ Part VII ◐
Pairing: Alpha Werewolf Jimin x Omega Reader
Rating: Hard Mature 18+ (for this installment)
Warnings: this one is a little darker, descriptions of violence, ABO sexual dynamics including discussion of scenting, marking, mating, and claiming, strong sexual innuendo, discussion of violence relating to ritual combat, possessive behavior, injuries and discussion of injuries, lots of people have, use and are threatened by knives, kidnapping and drugging, its not as bad as it sounds, but it is definitely a bit darker…
Word Count: 4250
Author’s Note: I said it before but it bears repeating...You have no idea what your support has meant to me. Truly your asks and your messages and comments…they made me so happy. You made me believe that people wouldn’t forget about this story. I am so grateful you were able to wait. As many of you know I faced a medical emergency recently and you were all so lovely. The best followers on this site and I MEAN that. As always, my angels @ppersonna @xjoonchildx and @untaemedqueen were (and continue to be) the best betas and the best friends anyone could ask for. My thanks to ALL of you for helping me bring this story to life! I don’t know what I would do without your daily encouragement and your daily support. You guys are the heartbeat of this story. It wouldn’t be here without you.
——◐——
Two Years Ago
——◐——
Centuries ago the moon goddess stumbled across her human soulmate while he was sleeping. Struck by his beauty, but reluctant to reveal her identity, the goddess began to visit him in his dreams where she could hide her true form and appear before him as a mortal woman.
In the world of dreams their love flourished and from that blessed union the packs were born…
The wolf nations celebrated this sacred romance every ten years during the Festival of the Lover’s Moon…
The day of the festival was spent eating and drinking and dancing at large parties, but when the sun went down… well—
That’s when things got really interesting.
On the night of Lover’s Moon the young unmated wolves of the pack were permitted to commemorate this legendary love story in a decidedly scandalous manner.
The unmated men assumed the role of the goddess’s sleeping lover—they were blindfolded (to represent slumber) and led into a large sectioned off area of the dark forest to ‘wait and dream.’
Unmated she-wolves over the age of maturity (eighteen) took herbal scent suppressors and ventured out into that very same forest in order to anonymously ‘visit’ the young men ‘in their dreams’...
The rules for what exactly that meant were pretty fast and loose which was why Min Yoongi was thanking the goddess and every other deity he could think of that Yunli was still seventeen.
“But I will be eighteen in two days! Please can’t I just—“
“No. Absolutely not under any circumstances ever.”
“But Yoonji is going!”
“Ji-ah is nearly nineteen and has never been interested in any of the snotty little man-pups of our pack.” He snorted. “She’s probably going out just so she can shove a bunch of them in the lake.”
“I wouldn’t count on it,” Yunli mumbled irritably.
Kim Taehyung yawned idly and snuggled into the cozy little pallet he prepared at the base of his favorite tree. The blindfold he and all the other unmated ‘lovers’ wore was made from witchcloth and could not be removed while the sun was down—so he had snuck into the forest earlier to set everything up.
Now all he had to do was wait until—
“H-Hi Taehyung.”
Oh sh—
“Uh. Hello...Miss.”
Taehyung didn’t recognize the owner of that voice, but he knew for sure who it wasn’t.
“I was hoping to find you tonight.”
This is not good.
“Well I’m—I’m flattered… naturally but—”
She touched his hand and he squeaked.
“I was thinking you and I might get to know each other a little bet—eep!”
The sharp point of a custom blade pressed directly into the unfortunate young beta girl’s pulse point.
“Are you lost, puppy?”
A heavy cloak obscured the newcomer’s features, but there was no mistaking her meaning.
Taehyung bit his lip to keep from snorting as the poor she-wolf scrambled away.
“Ji-ah,” he tsked with feigned disapproval, “that wasn’t very nice.”
Min Yoonji grinned as she sheathed her wicked looking dagger and slid languidly into his arms.
“You don’t like nice girls, Kim Taehyung.”
“I like you,” he whispered breathlessly against her lips. “Nice or not—it doesn't matter to me…” His hands slid greedily over her soft curves—pulling her closer till he felt the beat of her heart against his own. “I’ll like anything as long as it’s you.”
This was the stupidest idea in the history of stupid ideas.
Jimin huffed as he struggled to find a comfortable position against the giant boulder he’d chosen as his perch.
Why did I let Taehyung talk me into this?
He could be at home—in bed—comfortably sleeping off the all-day feast he’d indulged in.
Instead he was out in the middle of the forest sitting blindfolded on a rock in the off chance that one of the she-wolves was out looking for him.
Not bloody likely.
Not when prime targets like Namjoon, Hoseok, Jungkook—and countless others—were scattered throughout the woods.
“Park Jimin?”
Every hair on Jimin’s body stood on end.
It was a soft whisper—the speaker clearly didn’t want her voice to be recognized, yet something about the sound sent a curious frisson of interest down his spine.
He gulped.
“Yes… that’s me. But if you’re looking for Hoseok he’s just a little deeper in. You probably caught his scent downwind so—”
“I’m not looking for Hoseok.”
Jimin licked his lips and the sight of it sparked a odd curl of heat in the pit of your belly.
“I don’t know where anyone else is…”
“That’s quite alright.” A muted shuffle of movement reached his ears as you settled down beside him. “I was looking for you.”
“Oh…” He rubbed the back of his neck idly. “Are you sure?”
Laughter like fairy bells whispered through the air and Jimin felt his heart clench.
Don’t get your hopes up.
“Who are you?”
You were silent for a long time and then—
“I am someone who owes you a debt. One I have never been able to repay.”
Jimin’s head tilted curiously as he considered your words.
“I’m sorry, miss… you must be mistaken. There isn’t—“
“You don’t remember.”
It was a statement—not a question. Your voice was nearer now. He could feel the warmth of your body close to his—though not quite touching. “It was your wolf that saved me. But you had not gone through the Change yet.”
Familiar shame spiked sharply in his chest.
“I’m seven years past the Change...Why have you never mentioned this before?”
“Circumstances prevented me from doing so.”
There was a cold finality to your pronouncement—which of course did nothing but further inflame his curiosity.
“Then why come to me now?”
“I’ve come to repay you.”
Jimin’s mouth dropped open.
Were you trying to—?!
“Oh—no please that-that’s not necessary—I could never take advantage of—”
You giggled again.
“I am not offering my body, Park Jimin.”
Jimin breathed a heavy sigh of relief then shook his head with a wry chuckle.
“Well considering the circumstances I can hardly be blamed for assuming you might be. And honestly most men would jump at the chance to—”
“You...are not most men.”
Jimin’s eyes narrowed beneath his blindfold.
“Little she-wolf—I may not be wrestling bears for fun or bare knuckle boxing in the town square, but I am still an alpha.”
The weight of his command poured over your body as he spoke the last word. There was no order or intent—he had simply given you a taste of his power.
Aside from your direct blood relatives, no alpha had ever dared unleash their compel in your presence—therefore you were utterly unprepared for the effect it had on you—
Utterly unprepared for the strange surge of want so potent and profound that it stole the breath from your body.
It was primal—invigorating—
Sensual.
You and your wolf may not have been entirely connected yet, but she was suddenly quite vocal about her desire to fully bask in Park Jimin’s attention.
A wicked grin played over his lips as he leaned in closer and you could almost feel the soft brush of his lips against your cheek.
“Did you think I would not desire the touch of a beautiful woman in the moonlight?” he whispered.
Please touch me, Alpha.
Your eyes widened.
Dear goddess. Your inner wolf was turning out to be a shameless hussy.
“You might desire it, but you are far too honorable to accept it as payment for a debt.”
Jimin drew back warily.
You were correct of course. After all he had refused you when he believed that was your intent but—
“How could you know that?”
Evade. Evade now.
“Well... how could you know I was beautiful? You’re blindfolded.”
He shrugged and your wolf took careful note of the way it made all the pretty muscles in his back and shoulders ripple.
He will give us such strong—
Oh boy.
He will do no such thing. Please calm down.
“Not everything must be seen with your eyes.”
Is that how you found me? All those years ago...
Questions churned chaotically beneath your consciousness but you dared not give voice to them.
Focus.
“I must repay this debt. Ask for what you want and—if it is in my power—I swear it will be yours.”
Jimin smiled again, but this time it was somehow softer. For a moment he looked almost…
Sad.
“I’m afraid that the only thing I have ever wanted is not within your power to give...and I dare not ask you or anyone else for it.”
For her.
He sighed and drew even farther away from you—in fact it seemed like he was preparing to leave.
No.
Your hand reached out almost of it's its own accord and wrapped tightly around his wrist. The contact sent a shock of searing heat through his veins and he froze.
“Please alpha. It is not acceptable for someone like me—” a leader, a Luna, “—to owe another my life and offer nothing in return. You must let me pay my debt.”
Omega, his wolf growled, sweet perfect omega.
Suppressors may have hidden your scent, but the siren song of an omega pleading prettily in his ear was unmistakable—irresistible…
“What if all I want is your name?”
You sighed deeply.
“I cannot give you that. My name is… not mine to offer.”
Jimin laughed.
“A woman I cannot remember with a name I cannot know and whose face I cannot see.” He shook his head. “Perhaps you are just a figment of my imagination.”
It was hard to explain what happened next...For whatever reason his words cut you deeply and you were overcome with the desire—no need—to refute them somehow.
“I’m real enough,” you whispered, bringing his hand to your cheek.
Jimin was genuinely beginning to wonder if you were a witch as well as a she-wolf. Being close to you was intoxicating and the urge to draw you in was steadily overpowering every other thought.
“Could I ask you for a kiss, then?”
“You—...You saved my life and all you want... is a kiss?”
The air grew heavier as the strange magnetic pull between you swelled to a silent inescapable crescendo.
“In Seoul I often searched for someone who could ease my loneliness, yet each time I walked away emptier than before.” His thumb brushed gently over your lips and your eyes fluttered shut. “I have never had a kiss that meant anything to me.”
But yours might.
It was unclear who moved first, whether he pulled you to him or you surged forward but when your bodies aligned and your lips met his for the first time it was as if you had never been separate from one another.
As if you had always been deeply—intimately —together.
The indescribable feel of him lit over your senses like a struck match. It was an ignition in the purest sense of the word— a fiery visceral awakening fueled by a consuming flood of desire.
Yes, Alpha.
He might never see your face or hear your name, but Jimin knew he would remember the taste of you for the rest of his life. It was hot and bright like liquid sunshine— a pure relentless light flowing through him where there was once only darkness.
A soft needy moan rose up from your chest and he growled in primal satisfaction as you melted against him.
Your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt of their own accord, desperately trying to bring him closer until he wrapped his arms around you in a heated embrace.
“Please,” he begged breathlessly against your mouth. “Please tell me who you are.”
The words crashed over you like a bucket of ice —dousing the hazy pleasure of his kiss with a cold bite of reality. Suddenly you were wrenching yourself away from him and your wolf whimpered in misery at the loss of his touch.
“I can’t,” you whispered.
And then you were gone.
“Did someone hurt you?”
You looked up to find Jin taking in your tears with cold fury.
Twin knives were already gleaming dangerously in his hands and he appeared ready to filet whichever bastard was foolish enough to make you cry.
“No,” you sniffed—well aware of how pitiful you were at the moment—crying in the corner of your cousin’s kitchen. “I got myself into this mess without any help—as usual.”
Jin sighed and slid down next to you.
“Tell me.”
“Something happened that I…I didn’t intend.”
“Oh I knew that already. The Luna isn’t supposed to be running around on the night of Lover’s Moon in a forest full of blind horny wolves—“
You snorted and shook your head.
“You’re absolutely right. I should have stayed away.”
Jin’s eyes narrowed and he wondered if perhaps you had caught Kim Namjoon with another omega. Nothing would be official until after the Change of course, but your bond with him was basically a foregone conclusion at this point.
“You went looking for someone...didn’t you.”
You nodded miserably—all but confirming his fears. He made a mental note to push Namjoon in the swamp at the next available opportunity.
“You know... the stories say that a Luna is powerfully drawn to her mate under the Lover’s Moon—that her wolf can sense him even before the Change.” He reached over and gently began to brush the tears from your eyes. “So it’s not surprising that you sought him out, but it’s not really fair to hold whatever it is you saw against him. There is no relationship between you yet and…” he chuckled, “kisses beneath festival moonlight don’t really mean anything anyways.”
It was clear that Jin had somehow gotten the entirely wrong impression, but perhaps that was for the best.
No one knew of your connection to Jimin and no one had seen what passed between you.
Still…
Something about his assessment stung you.
“You really believe that? ...That a kiss exchanged tonight means nothing?”
“I do.” Jin spoke with conviction. “There’s ancient magic at play in those woods. You can’t always trust what you see—or what you feel.”
“Oh I...I didn’t know…”
After a moment you laid your head against his shoulder and let the last of your tears run silently down your cheek.
“Jin-ah have you ever wanted something you knew you couldn’t have?”
“Yes.” He sighed heavily and pulled you in to snuggle a bit closer. “When I was younger I dreamed of having a mate just like everyone else…”
The words were so softly spoken—almost wistful. Your heart splintered just hearing them.
“But… she could be out there—your mate.”
Jin shook his head.
“When is the last time you heard of a female alpha?”
Fresh tears welled up in your eyes.
“Jin…”
“Hey,” he whispered, “don’t waste your crying on me. I’ve long since come to terms with who and what I am.”
“You’re not sad anymore?”
“Well… maybe sometimes I am… but I had to accept that people like us are not like everyone else. Our destinies were written long before we were born.”
“And you believe you’re destined to be alone?”
“Wolves in a pack are never really alone.”
“Yes...but they can be lonely,” you whispered thinking back to Jimin’s words.
For a moment Jin’s eyes were the saddest you had ever seen them.
“Well...I suppose they can.” Then he chuckled and gave your nose an affectionate little tap. “But you don’t need to worry about that. When the time comes Namjoon will take his place at your side and the two of you will build a wonderful life together... Isn’t that what you want?”
Isn’t it?
Your treacherous thoughts drifted back to the boy in the moonlight—to the way your body sang when he touched you and the strange insatiable desire to know him and be known by him in return.
“Please...Tell me who you are.”
A heavy ache settled in your heart.
You were the Luna of the mountain nations. A true born moon princess.
You could never be the woman who kissed Park Jimin underneath the stars.
You were not like everybody else.
“...Yes. That is what I want.”
——◐——
Now
——◐——
Jimin’s heart pounded as he tore through the dark paths of the wood with Taehyung, Yoongi, and Jungkook close behind.
He had never led an attack—had never been trained to command wolves in battle.
It was his first true test of leadership and he hadn’t even been a leader for twenty-four hours.
Yet the fears and anxieties that might have normally clouded his mind were notably absent.
There was only you.
Ironically Jimin owed Namjoon yet another debt—this time for explaining what exactly someone like him was capable of.
The alpha Jin captured had given up their plan and position after being exposed to Jimin’s unique gifting, so he had a concrete target in his mind… He suspected however, that your captors had taken precautions after leaving some of their men behind. They had shifted their camp.
But it wouldn’t be enough to save them.
Jimin didn’t need your location to find you.
He spent years refusing to look at you, and even then he always knew exactly where you were. He could sense you in any crowd—hear your voice in a thousand.
Once it had tormented him cruelly to be so aware of you.
Now it was the only thing keeping him sane.
He followed the connection between his heart and yours like a lifeline and it guided him as surely as the stars.
The alphas followed him without question.
If any of them harbored lingering doubts before, they were firmly laid to rest after what they saw at the cottage. No ordinary wolf could do what he had done.
The Alpha would bring back their Luna and retribution would be swift indeed.
The drugs in your system kept swinging you in and out of lucidity like a nightmarish pendulum. You tried to shift after the initial nausea faded, but whatever they gave you kept your wolf caged beneath your skin.
Jimin
The longing you felt for your mate was the only thing tethering you to reality. You could almost hear him echoing in the far corners of your mind—
I’m coming Omega—hold on.
I’ll find you.
Part of you recognized that his voice was likely nothing more than the wistful creation of your drug-addled mind, still you clung to it like the last shred of hope while the minutes (or hours) flew past.
Chaos clouded your thoughts even in clearer moments as many unavoidable concerns forced their way through the haze.
Jin was at the house with you when they broke in. You had no way of knowing if he survived.
The men who took you were crass and irreverent. Their eyes followed your form with too much interest and too little respect.
It was starting to get cold and (due to you nearly dismembering a high council member and needing to be compelled unconscious) you were still wearing a thin white ceremonial dress which offered very little protection from the elements.
You wondered idly if your idiot captors would let you freeze to death before they accomplished whatever it was they took you for. They clearly needed you for something or you would have been long dead by now.
None of them struck you as particularly brilliant planners so the mastermind must be somewhere else...
Frankly the entire situation was as puzzling as it was troubling. Iron Claw had always gotten along well with your pack.
Technically they were (almost) what the human governments called a vassal state. The presence of a Luna determined the dominant pack in a region and the Luna of the mountain nations had been born into Silver Fang—your pack—for the last thousand years or so.
Why would they challenge us now?
The birth of a Luna indicated that the goddess had chosen that pack to lead. Their willingness—not only to kidnap you—but to go against the dominant pack by doing so was alarming to say the least.
A sudden explosion of movement and sound interrupted your contemplation. Motion erupted all around you—boots pounding on the ground, men falling into their wolf forms, knives being drawn…
You lifted your head—straining forward to see the source of the commotion—and nearly collapsed in relief when you finally did.
Alpha
Your mate stood at the edge of the camp flanked by two enormous black wolves.
A deadly looking jingum sword gleamed dangerously in his right hand. You recognized it immediately as your great-grandfather’s combat blade—the thousand year-old weapon of the Silver Fang Alphas.
Relief flooded your chest all over again at the sight of it. Only Jin could have given him that sword—which meant he was still alive.
The black wolves—Yoongi and Jungkook—snarled viciously but made no move to attack.
Your captors were still scrambling into some sort of combat formation when Jimin finally spoke.
“You have violated our sacred laws, trespassed in sovereign pack lands, kidnapped a Luna under the protection of our goddess, abducted the mate of the Silver Fang Alpha, and risked open war between our peoples.” He took a single step forward. “Surrender now and I will be merciful.”
The biggest of your captors—a man you recognized as the de facto leader—spat viciously on the ground.
“You are not my Alpha,” he growled.
A cold—almost cruel—smile twisted over Jimin’s lips.
“Very well.”
Then he dropped to one knee and a massive grey wolf—Taehyung—leapt over his head and tore out the defiant leader’s throat before he even hit the ground.
Your mouth dropped open.
Bangtan formation.
Yoongi and Jungkook lunged forward in opposite directions, tackling their targets to the forest floor in a bloody clash of teeth and claws.
One of the larger Iron Claw alphas half-shifted and charged Jimin but his arm shot out lightning fast, catching his attacker by the throat to send him flying through the air into a tree.
The next several minutes could only be described as terrifyingly beautiful.
It was immediately clear that Jimin had been holding back when he fought Namjoon.
He dispatched his opponents with such elegant savagery it was almost art.
You were so mesmerized watching Jimin sensually sword dance his way through a dozen alphas nearly twice his size that you almost missed Taehyung’s wolf rushing over with a dagger clenched between his teeth.
Luna are you okay?
You grinned and held up your rope-bound wrists.
“I’ll be better once you pass me that knife.”
Taehyung nodded once and dropped the blade at your feet before tackling another wolf that was tearing towards the two of you.
You sawed through the ties around your ankle first then twisted your arms to try and slice through the restraints on your wrist.
The Iron Claw wolves were clearly no match for Jimin and his alphas.
Jungkook and Yoongi chased after the few who were trying to run while Taehyung half-shifted to subdue the handful of wolves left alive as prisoners. Only Jimin continued to fight as the last three of your captors still standing took turns being slammed into the dirt by his strikes.
He was clearly capable of dispatching them, but you were fairly convinced that you would die if you had to stay away from him for another second. The ropes, however, were surprisingly thick and the angle you were cutting them at wasn’t the best. If only—
You were almost free when you saw it.
One of your captors had pulled a hunting javelin from their supply wagon. He must have hid himself at the onset of the fight, but now he was comfortably concealed by the shadows—and taking aim at Jimin.
Your heart dropped into your stomach.
The attacker appeared to handle the weapon with familiarity. He was too far back—too well hidden—Jimin would never see him in time—
The last cord around your wrist snapped and you were on your feet, pushing through the combined haze of fury and sedatives to charge the wolf who dared attack your mate.
By the time he saw you it was far too late.
Under the effects of the drug your aim was a little skewed but you weren’t Kim Seokjin’s cousin for nothing.
One clean flick of your wrist and the dagger shot through the air, burying itself between the brute’s shoulder blades—all the way to the hilt.
His body fell to the ground just as Jimin sent the last of your captors careening into a pile of previously defeated foes.
For a moment all was quiet.
Then your eyes locked across the distance and everything around you sharpened to a single whispered word.
“Jimin.”
He had run non-stop for miles and torn apart a dozen wolves to get to your side—no amount of space between you now was tolerable.
The sword clattered to the forest floor as he moved toward you—desperate to feel you—to wrap himself around you and know that you were safe.
What happened next was as natural as breathing.
You opened to him and he lifted you into his arms, taking your lips in a hot unrepentant kiss.
Fire exploded across your senses, burning away everything but the touch and taste of him. Every part of you was at once fiercely and gloriously alive. Desperate moans passed between you as he licked into your mouth—a dark primal promise of the pleasure he would take between your thighs.
“Alpha,” you whimpered, too delirious with want to manage anything else.
Suddenly Jimin’s eyes shot open. His hands flew to cup your face, searching it with a mixture of realization and disbelief.
“You… It was you.”
If you are already on the taglist, then I will automatically tag you for the next part! If you would like to be added to the taglist, please let me know.
Please tell me what you thought of this update! I am really excited to hear your thoughts! Feedback really does fuel my writing and hearing from you means a lot to me! On days that its hard to write, I go back and I read your lovely words and it makes me want to keep going! I cannot overstate its value in my heart! Seriously this story keeps going because you guys have been so supportive and wonderful. You have no idea how much just a few word can brighten my world and fire up my muse.
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Overwatch Characters as MPGIS quotes
(crude humor warning)
Ana: Oh come on, punching that girl in the face showed some real initiative! That's the kind of attitude that the youth of today need! Always with the texting and the Instagrams, it's like none of them have any balls anymore!
Ashe: Yeah, you think you can bitch me out? I am the queen of bitch! You look up bitch up in the dictionary and you're gonna see my fucking face!
Baptiste: You gonna come in this doghouse, you're gonna get bit.
Bastion: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...
Brigitte: Well, I mean, it's funny, but it's not Cat Dressed as a Shark Riding a Roomba Chasing a Duck funny.
D.Va: I mean, are we supposed to believe that it's his colored beak that gives him the power to turn the fruit into loops?
Doomfist: It's like a stew. If you use too much salt and pepper, when you taste it, you're not gonna like it. Curses have to be looked at like spices. You never want to use too much or they lose their impact. You've got to pick your spots. The less you curse, the more powerful the words can be. (on phone) Tell me something good, Frank. Well then you tell those little f cking b tchy c nts that if they don't get their f cking sh t together, I will personally b tch slap each one of those p ssies up and down f cking Wall Street. If this f cking deal goes f cking f ckity f ck sh t, I will happily knuckle-f ck every last one of those p ssy-ass b tches, rings on! And you know my rings, Frank. You f cking hear me? Good! Now get it done, you f ck. You b tch. You little b tchy f ck b tch! (off phone) So like I was saying, the key is moderation.
Echo: Now, remember! Confidence! You are a sexy bitch!
Genji: (probably sarcastically) I’ll die before that pig-tailed labradoodle ruins the legacy that you worked so hard to build
Hanzo: (sighs and sits down) Every single one of you is a wrinkle in my face.
Junkrat: Here's my rule for eating crayons: red before blue, very happy poo, blue before red, you're gonna have to go to the emergency room.
Lucio: Now are you ready for me to blow your mind? Kickball is just baseball but with your feet!
McCree: Alright, alright, somebody's ass isn't being a team player. *bonus* Aw, you fuckin’ traitor.
Mei: I would like a Dora the Explorer with gumball eyes, please, and those little poppers that you throw on the ground to scare away little kids with?
Mercy: Relax? I'm sorry doc, but I don't live in a goddamn mentos commercial!
Moira: Well if ignorance is bliss, you must be one very happy fucking idiot.
Orisa: I think we should probably be paying attention to what's being said back here, because it sounds like someone's confessing to several very serious felonies.
Pharah: Here I was trying to be the bigger person. And there you were, being, well, the degenerate trashbag slut that you've always been.
Reaper: How many times have I told you that I am not allowed to let you out of my sight? So you know, don’t tell anybody.
Reinhardt: I won! But I lost! But I won!
Roadhog: Okay, so just to be sure, we're a no on car fires, correct?
Sigma: Do you guys ever talk about anything other than, like, revenge? I just saw this video of a kid online who could light up a lightbulb by sticking it in his mouth. I mean, what's going on there, right?
Soldier 76: Oh, I'm sorry, do you not want to be here? Would you rather be at home with a nice glass of red WINE, sitting next to your pet WEIMaraner while you guys WIND down your day by catching up on old episodes of Mad Men, created by Matthew WEINer? Is that what you'd like?
Sombra: Tú es un bitcho.
Symmetra: (laughs) I'm sorry, do you know who the fuck you're talking to?
Torbjorn: ... It doesn't matter where you go, there's always gonna be bitches and assholes in your life. So the only thing you can do is surround yourself with the few bitches and assholes you can actually stand being around. And for me, that's you guys.
Tracer: I’m in the Matrix! (screams)
Widowmaker: Listen, I am buying this bottle of wine. Now you can sell it to me or I can sell your organs on the black market! So far tonight, your little power trip has cost me twenty-five minutes that I could've spent eating a delicious chicken fried prime rib dinner! So, while I hold your fragile little life in my stainless steel fingertips, I ask you cashier, do you need my ID? Do you?
Winston: Alright, sorry, geez, just trying to build some team morale.
Wrecking Ball: Yeah, lookin' good! Who's the best? You're the best! You've had all year long to prepare for this day, are you ready? You're goddamn right I'm ready! Gobble gobble, motherfucker. Gobble, gobble.
Zarya: So then he was like, "Give me a lap!" And then I was all like, "Hey coach, why don't you give me a lap?" And then he was all like, "You know what? I respect you."
Zenyatta: The only true happiness comes in death.
Bonus interaction between D.Va and Widowmaker
D.Va: Can you get me a two liter of Mountain Dew? Or whatever the French equivalent is of Mountain Dew? Like a Mountain Deux
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Chapter 2
Catra’s POV
I look up at Adora and frown. “Hey, why are you crying?” I stand up and cup her cheek. “A-are you mad at me?”
“No, no I could never be mad at you. I just, wish you had come to me sooner. I know talking through all of this is hard for you, it is for me too, but I’ll always love you. No matter your choice.” Adora looks at me defeated. Despite her tear filled eyes she looks beautiful.
“What do you mean? A-are you breaking up with me? Adora I can’t lose you! Not again..” She takes my hands and smiles sadly. I look away, hating the way she’s looking at me.
“You heard what Perfuma said. We’re not compatible. We’re too similar.”
“She never said that. She said we-we need to talk. That’s all.” I pull her into my chest. “Adora I will never leave you, I lost you once. Never again. We just need-”
“To be open with each other.” She sighs and kisses my chest. I look down at her and kiss her hairline knowing that no one is around us. “I love you, I always will but...” She takes a deep breath, “We need someone else,”
“We?”
“Yes, we. I love you and I’m not losing you but we don’t ‘complete’ each other,” She makes air quotations and stands up straight. “Look at Perfuma and Scorpia, Scorpia is strong and protective of Perfuma but whenever Scorpia’s strength gets out of hand Perfuma is there to calm her down from a panic attack. And Glimmer and Bow, Glimmer is always jumping into things and Bow is there to keep her steady.”
“We’re both impulsive and act on our feelings. We need some one to ground us..”
“A third..” She smiles shyly. “Perfuma and I were throwing around that idea but we didn’t know how you would react. I know how possessive you can be.”
I stay silent for a second tossing the idea around in my head. I never wanted to share Adora when we were kids but sharing someone with her and that person being for both of us. That might not be a bad idea. Someone to look after us when we’re too tired to do it ourselves. A kind, caring, and gentle person. The complete opposite of us.
“I agree but, we decide together. Ok?” I finally speak up just as Adora starts to get worried. “It’s a decision we have equal say in. And no jumping in and scaring the person ok? We have to let them choose us too.”
“I completely agree.” Adora pecks me on the lips and smiles. “We’ll talk more tonight but for now they’re starting the actual meeting and we need to be there.”
“Psh whatever. They just need She-Ra there. Big scary 8 foot tall blonde lady to the rescue.” I take her hand and start walking back to the war room.
“You need to give yourself more credit. You were always better than me at figuring out strategies. Even Octavia was impressed with you.”
I giggle softly and blush. “I forgot about her. I wonder what she’s doing, I wonder what all of the horde soldiers are doing now.” I look toward the Fright Zone a small frown forming on my face.
“I’m sure we’ll find them one of these days.” Adora gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
We walk back into the room and see the newly reappointed King Micah sitting at the head of the table with Sparkles next to him and Arrow Bow next to her.
“Ah, finally!” The king stood up when we entered. Adora and I on the opposite side of the king and Sparkles smiles at me. I shyly return the gesture. She really doesn’t need to pretend to me my friend anymore. “Now we can begin. So, with the defeat of Horde Prime being almost a month in the past I think all of us have had time to rest and recharge and we should get started on rebuilding Etheria.”
“Starting with Brightmoon!” Sparkles buts into her dad’s speech, nothing new there but all the princesses start arguing.
“We should start with the woods! They took the biggest hits!”
“What about Mystacor? The Sorcerers tore that place apart when they were chipped!”
“Um what about Salineas? The Horde totally destroyed my kingdom and I would like as much help as possible putting it back together.”
“QUIET!” Everyone looks at King Micah and sits back down. “We need to asses the damage and figure out the best plan of action. We have to approach this in a way that makes the most sense for all of Etheria. I agree that Salineas has suffered the most due to it being controlled even before Horde Prime arrived.”
“And what about all the rouge clones here and across the galaxy?” I cross my arms and lean forward. “We’re going to have to figure out whether or not one if them is going to try to rise to power like Prime, or if they’re as harmless as Wrong Hordak.”
Adora nods and chips in. “We also need to figure out what supplies are needed in the raided villages and how we can get them what they need.” She looks towards Mermista. “I wholeheartedly believe that Salineas took the biggest fall seeing as it was destroyed before Prime arrived-”
“Yeah, by your girlfriend.” I shrink in my seat as Mermista glares towards me. “We’re gonna need all the help we can get rebuilding it.”
“Hey back off of Catra okay? She has helped the Rebellion more than most since she joined. She even saved the universe from the releasing of the heart.” Perfuma pipes up to defend me. “She has paid for her past actions and is living with the consequences.”
“Paid how exactly?! She waltzes around here like she owns Brightmoon and no one bats an eye! She hasn’t done anything. We should just-”
“I get it!” I interrupt her feeling everyones eyes on me. I shrink back into my seat. “I haven’t done anything to gain your trust, nor do I deserve it.”
“Catra,” Sparkles starts to protest.
“No it’s true, saving you and saving Adora are small good deeds compared to the damage I did while with the Horde. I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I will work hard until I do.” I take a deep breath and turn to Mermista. “Starting with helping you plan how to best rebuild Salineas.” I smile softly, “It’s the least I can do.”
Mermista scoffs but sits back down. “It’s a start I guess.” Her boyfriend, Sea Bird I think is what Adora called him, grabs her hand and kisses it.
“Now that that’s dealt with we should begin planning,” King Micah turns on the hologram table and highlights different points on the map. “These are the areas that were most effected by the Horde. I suggest we begin in Salineas and work our way west ending in Brightmoon seeing as we suffered the least amount of damage here.”
“We should avoid the Fright Zone until Scorpia decides what she needs help with seeing as it’s her kingdom.” Perfuma looks fondly at Scorpia.
“Oh, yeah of course. I’m not quite sure what running a kingdom takes but I’ll do my best!” Scorpia grins at everyone and I give her a reassuring smirk.
“I agree. Scorpia needs to come into her own as a leader,” Sparkles smiles at her, “And we will be here to help you as you learn.”
“Aww thanks guys! You are the best friends ever!”
I look down at the table and notice how many villages were under Horde control. I recognize most of the names as ones I helped conquer. A chill runs down my back as I think about how many people lost loved ones like I almost lost Adora.
“Hey, you ok?” Adora takes my hand gently squeezing it.
“No, I just,” I take a deep breath. “I caused so much heartache and terror to all the people of Etheria, I don’t think they’re going to like the idea of a ex Horde soldier helping fix their towns.”
“Hey, whatever happens we go through it together. You’re not alone anymore Catra.” Adora kisses my cheek and half the princesses ‘aww’ at us.
“Hey! Mind your own business,” I blush bright red, my tail puffing out. I see Arrow Boy out of the corner of my eye getting that look on his face. “Bow I swear to God if you call me cute one more time I will claw your eyes out!” I extend my claws for emphasis.
“I’m going to ignore that threat because you just called me my name and not ‘Arrow Boy’!” He smile widely and rushes over to pull me into a hug.
“Ah! Let. Go!” I try and push his hands off me. “Adora a little help here!”
Adora just giggles and joins the hug followed by Sparkles.
“No! No! Quit it Sparkles!” I scowl ignoring the warm feeling in my heart. All the princesses are laughing but not in a mean way like Sh-, like she did. They look like they love us. It’s probably just for the three dummies but I can’t stop the small smile that rises to my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N
1550 Words
Wow that was a long chapter. Do you guys prefer them long or would you prefer shorter? Comment and let me know! Next chapter will be Adora’s POV so stay tuned for that!
Thanks for reading Lovelies!
<3 M.
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1 and 34 for Steve/Bucky
Here you go nonnie! This is #34, and the other prompt, #1, is here. Hope you like ‘em both!
#34, meeting at a masquerade ball au
“But, ma, I don’t understand why I have to go-“ Steve refused to admit he was pouting, even as a sneaky part of his brain admitted he probably was. How unseemly.
“You complain that every omega we set you up to meet with is vain and fake and only about the looks, Steven.” Sarah’s tone is no-nonsense and inspires not just a flicker of fear.
“So?” Steve sighed, rubbing his face over his jaw. “What does that have to do with a masquerade?”
“It’s precisely why it’s a masquerade, Steven. Talk. Mingle. Maybe you’ll find someone with a kindred spirit, and you’ll know they aren’t just in it for your physical form, darling and they’ll know you aren’t either.” Sarah smiles at him in sympathy and cups his cheek. Steve rests his cheek on her palm. “It’ll be alright.”
“What if when they find out it’s me, they run in the opposite direction,” Steve argues weakly. It was a done deal before Sarah had even come to him, and Steve supposes he should be mad about his courtiers conspiring with his mother to get him a mate, but all Sarah has ever wanted was the best for him. Which is why it’s hard for him to believe that she wanted him to go to a masquerade ball. Parties like these were never anything but a ridiculously enlarged ceremony of who had their head in the sand the most. “What then?”
“We all have eyes, Steven. I’ll admit I raised an attractive son,” Sarah chides. “There’s not an omega in this kingdom that can’t at least admit you are an objectively handsome man.”
Steve blushes. “There’s nothing objective about that,” he sighs, taking his mother’s elbow and grudgingly escorting her to the dining hall. “But alright.”
…
Bucky hates to admit it, but he’s only going to this party to meet an alpha. He’s of prime marrying age, even a little past it—sue him, his parents didn’t want him to be married as a child—and he’s lonely. He loves his friends, he loves his sisters and his home, but he’s an omega and they all instinctually need contact, crave it in fact.
And that’s why he’s so pleased when he meets a tall, sweet, charming, man. Admittedly, Bucky can hardly remember how they’d bumped into each other, but sitting down now with him he can’t bring himself to worry about his past.
Now, he’s thinking about his future, hopefully plus one blond alpha.
“My sweet,” the man murmurs. “A piece of heaven right here in m-this kingdom. And you have somehow chosen to stay with me.”
Bucky blushes. “I-am I to your liking? Alpha?”
The man groans, a positively indecent sound. “Darling, if I can not have you tonight, I will spend the rest of my days a cursed man,” he vows. Bucky hesitates before interlacing his hands with the other’s calloused ones, rubbing pleasantly against soft skin.
“That’s very sweet,” Bucky whispers. He’d gone into this hoping to play coy, to tease, but he finds that he’s fallen headfirst into a honey glazed trap with no intention of climbing out. The man cups his cheek. Bucky tilts his head to inhale along his scent glands almost unconsciously. The rumble that runs through the man’s body leaves Bucky squirming in his seat.
“I-you can call me Bucky,” he says quietly, hoping the noise that elicits is one of happiness, not scandal.
“Hasn’t anyone taught you the rules of a masquerade, my darling?” The man teases before his voice lowers. “And I am honored that you should trust me with this, sweetheart.”
“So, will you tell me your name?”
The man hesitated. Bucky almost wiggles in his seat like a child waiting for sweets. “No,” he says finally, and Bucky muffles—badly, if the curve of the man’s plush mouth indicates anything—a whine into the man’s palm before pulling away to pout. “Don’t whine, little one, I think I quite like you guessing.”
Bucky huffs. “Well then, tell me at least something else about yourself. Do you like these parties?”
The man sighs heavily. “Not so much before I met you,” he admits. “They are nothing but a measuring contest of…” he trails off, glancing at him with electric blue eyes that look startlingly familiar now that he’s closer before looking back away. He tugs Bucky closer, and Bucky enjoys the possessiveness of this alpha. Never straying far from entirely polite, but brushing the line of courting.
“Of what?” Bucky asks, before giggling as the man trails his fingers up his arm teasingly, twitching at the teasing glance to his scent glands. “Wealth?”
“No,” the man says amusedly. “Of who has their heads the furthest in the sand.”
Bucky snorts. “You can say that again.” Bucky eyes the doors to the garden outside. He quite likes this man and judging by the fact that he met him at this party, his parents will approve. But first, he needs to know who he is. Every omega in the kingdom knows who to avoid, and while he can’t remember any tall, blond alphas on the list, he still needs to make sure he’s not being buttered up and that this alpha won’t simply go searching for a new omega once he’s gotten bored. “Shall we take a walk?” Bucky asks hopefully. “I could use some fresh air.”
“Fresh air, hm?” The man extends his arm. “Lead the way, my dear.”
The night air is cool, and Bucky shivers. The man tugs him closer, closer than can be called proprietary, and Bucky--carefully, cautiously--leans his head on the man’s shoulders. “Do I get to know your name now that nobody else is here, my lord?”
“Hm, I don’t know,” the man murmurs. “I quite like your indignance.”
“If you don’t tell me your name I’m going to come up with something ridiculous,” Bucy threatens playfully. The fine embroidery of the man’s coat scratches his arm.
“Like what?”
“You tell me, Eldritch,” he shoots back, enjoying the man’s wince.
“Eldritch?”
“I can do worse, Leland.”
The man settles on the bench next to him and Bucky enjoys the piney scent of satisfied alpha. “I’m afraid you’ll know my name as soon as I take this mask off, my dear.”
“So take it off?” Bucky asks hopefully and then sighs. “You can’t be so dense as to not see that-that-” he flushes embarrassedly, ducking his head. “I-”
“Sh, my darling,” the man croons, and then there’s a huff. “Has anybody ever told you you’re stubborn?”
“Only all the time,” Bucky quips, and his fingers curl unconsciously around his bracelet; it was a tick he’d had ever since he was a boy.
“You have to promise not to start bowing,” the man warns as he reaches for, presumably, the clasp of his mask. “Bucky.”
“Someone thinks highly of themselves.” Bucky smiles. “But of course.”
The mask seems to come off in slow motion, and Bucky can’t decide if he’s excited or anxious. He’d hate for the man to turn out to be a creep. Pretty blond eyebrows reveal themselves to him first before the mask is dropping into the man’s lap and revealing no one but the highest royalty of the Rogers Kingdom; His Majesty the King, Steven Grant Rogers. Bucky chokes on his own spit and nearly topples to the ground to curtsy before the King’s warm hand is coming to wrap around his bicep.
“You promised no bowing.” the man’s-Steve? King Rogers? His Majesty’s-voice is hoarse. “Please.”
“I-”
“I know it’s a lot.”
“That’s an understatement if I ever heard one,” Bucky says without thinking and then flinches. “I mean-”
“You’re right.” King Rogers scrubs his hand over his jaw and looks--and Bucky might be projecting his personal desires a tad--hopefully at Bucky. Bucky softens a little. He was sweet, and kind, and Bucky will admit that he’s had an attraction to this King from afar since he understood the dynamic of the other presentation. It’s just--nothing’s holding him back but himself.
“Your Majesty,” Bucky starts, not knowing where to end.
“Steve,” the alpha murmurs, and he scoots forward, somehow graceful on a small bench embedded in a wall of bushes. “You call me Steve, darling.”
“Darling?” Bucky could hardly breathe. “Am I your darling?”
Steve grazes his knuckles over the side of his cheek, reaching behind him until his mask topples into his lap; a lover’s touch. Bucky’s lips part on a shaky sigh. “You are the sweetest flower, the loveliest blossom. The Gods have blessed me with you, sweetheart. And it would be my utmost honor if you’d allow me to court you.”
Bucky’s chest is tingling. “It isn’t proper,” he says, not above a whisper. The moonlight seems to brighten on Steve’s face. “But would you kiss me?”
The snarl that erupts out of Steve is nothing less than possessive, than an alpha claiming his omega, and his lips are pressing urgently against Bucky’s, prying his lips open and clutching Bucky to his chest. Bucky grips at Steve’s doublet.
Improper, indeed.
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When was the last time you saw Valerie Mulloy?
While students at Yates spilled into the campus for fall semester, glittering and punch drunk at back to school parties, Valerie’s friends lost sight of the girl at a Hastings House soiree. Valerie was hard to miss last night, taking shots and snorting lines off the precious rare books of Hastings house. Not the kind of behavior you’d expect from Dean Mulloy’s daughter, his one and only pride and joy. But Valerie has always been a controversial figure at Yates. The girl with grades so low they were in the decibels, a product of nepotism, her father the only reason she attends prestigious Yates University.
But Valerie has quickly made himself indispensable to the student body from the second she stepped foot on campus. Alison DiLaurentis in prime form. She’s well liked, a confidant, the center of attention anywhere she goes, the dark center of the universe. She’s useful. Need to find the answer’s to Friday’s test in Bio 101? She knows where the janitor stashes the keys to professor’s offices. Your regular dealer isn’t pulling through? Valerie can find you another number to text on Saturday night looking for Ritalin. She’s dated her way through the student body, using Tinder like a weapon. It’s like watching a black hole; you can’t look away, and the longer you stand around, the more likely you are to be pulled in. How she worms his way in, learning your secrets and then using them against you is almost something to be admired. The worst thing you’ve ever done, told in confidence to a friend, then used against you. She almost makes the gossip blog redundant.
You might have been relieved when you realize Valerie isn’t around tonight. Finally, a night free. I mean, she’s great, right? But you know how she can get. Then your stomach sinks. The odd string of disappearances on campus. Nothing at Yates in a coincidence anymore. The last time she was seen, she was sunken into her phone, watching messages and Snapchats rolls in from the gossip blog. You have to assume the worst now. Think back to what you know. The way she isn’t responding to texts. How Valerie is everywhere. How she makes it know she’s there. And then panic. She knows everything. The person you’ve entrusted with your secrets is nowhere to be found. And then, more importantly, where did she go?
OOC ADMIN ANNOUNCEMENT LISTEN UP
Elo gavnahs! Valerie Mulloy has gone missing. A sophomore and member of Hastings, well liked, popular, and friends with nearly everyone on campus, she had a shared secret with nearly every muse. Maybe everyone is to blame for her disappearance. She knew too much. If you would like, please submit a SECOND SECRET that Valerie knew as well as your character’s CONNECTION TO VALERIE if you so please. This is completely optional! But we figured it would be a good way for people who have already had secrets revealed to still have some dirt on them out there. It can be dramatic, or just silly and embarrassing! Let us know if you have any questions.
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you're writing captain allen fic! can i um, request a nines/allen fic??? not sure if you're taking requests but it's a rarepair fo mine i'm desperate for more content /sweats no pressure though absolutely understand if you say no!!
→ on Ao3
While Markus and his merry band were busy demanding equal rights for the bots of America, a neat little plot was uncovered when the CEO of CyberLife was stood down. Part of their agreed terms was to halt the production of androids immediately, and release all those in storage as awakened deviants. What they didn’t count on was the discovery of confidential emails, staunchly denied by the government, placing an order of 200,000 RK900 units for the purpose of crushing the android revolution under heel and restoring the power balance back into the hands of humans.
Never happened, of course, and the RK900 never went into production. Only one was fabricated, and was in its final stage of its testing phase when the revolution ended. It then became a reluctant olive branch offered to the DPD, a ‘sorry we tried to make killing machines behind your back but you can have this one and keep the prototype too’.
There’s no reason to double up, Fowler says, and this model has military upgrades so it will suit your unit better. That’s all the warning he gets before there’s an android standing in his office at 9:00am sharp on Monday.
“Captain Allen, I am the RK900. I have been assigned to SWAT unit 32, under your command.” He says, in a voice deeper than Connor’s and a little more polished. He seems to loom over him, filling out the space of his office like a large shadow, like a Terminator from those movies one of his mothers always liked.
“Do you have a name?”
“No, I was not assigned one.”
“You’re Connor’s little brother aren’t you?” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Heard you were called Nines or 900 or something.”
“No.” Firm refusal. “I do not wish to be associated with a number.” A pause, a frown. “It feels demeaning.” Feels , he says, because apparently androids can do that now.
“We’re going to have to call you something.” He cocks a brow, and the android averts his gaze, unsure. “Well. You’re the newest guy to the team so that makes you the rookie.”
“Rookie?” The android echoes curiously.
“You’re the rookie until the next recruit shows up.” He shrugs. “That’s the rule. We’ll call you rookie until either you give us a name, with which we will occasionally call you while still referring to you as rookie, or until there is another recruit; whichever comes first.”
“Understood.”
*~*
Connor’s baby brother is 6’5” and if looks could kill everyone would certainly be dead. Terminator’s got the worst case of Resting Murder Face he’s ever seen; it’s as if the psychos at CyberLife used nothing but rulers to design him, as if they took Connor’s model and took away everything that could possibly allude to friendliness. They even gave him startling grey eyes, as if the brown of Connor’s eyes was too warm to keep. What he learns quickly, though, is that even if CyberLife made him look like a cold blooded killing machine, they failed to scrub away the almost puppy-like demeanour so integral to Connor’s personality.
He walks in on his team in the training hall enthusiastically trying to beat the android at every obstacle course, using their years of teamwork to try and pool their skills in order to beat CyberLife’s latest and greatest. They fail spectacularly, to no one’s surprise, but the rookie’s grinning in that slightly lopsided goofy way Connor grins and the team muss his hair like one would pat a dog and he lights up just the same. He’s just as eager, as desperate to please, to integrate, to gain the approval of his human peers and there’s something both endearing and a little sad about it.
*~*
Everyone’s lives depend on trust and teamwork and that means figuring out where the rookie will fit in best. He runs them through endless simulations and the android bests them all; he can be placed anywhere, given any role, and adapts to each situation perfectly. It’s not enough- a simulation is hypothetical, a simulation is safe and is nothing like the chaos of a real mission with very real lives at stake.
“Will that be all for tonight, Captain?” He knocks his reading glasses up briefly to rub at his tired eyes, looking up from his reports to find the android standing dutifully at parade rest in front of his desk.
“Weapons cleaned, locked and logged?”
“Yessir.” A nod.
“You’ve been here a week now.” He leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. “What do you think of Fowler’s choice, assigning you to my team?”
“I believe I am where I ought to be.” The rookie says slowly. “This is the department where my skills prove most useful. Connor is built to assist with detective work, and has the social programming to build strong social bonds. I lack such programming, and have been built with military modifications instead.”
“The team like you plenty.” He shrugs, and the android’s LED spins yellow as he looks away almost self-consciously.
“I am glad.” He says quietly. “I find their company enjoyable.”
“Good. Their lives depend on how well you work with them, you understand that right?” Another nod, and he spares him one last glance before returning to his reports. “Alright. Dismissed.”
“Do you?” It’s said so quietly he almost misses it. When he looks up, he catches the briefest flicker of red before the android’s LED swirls yellow.
“Do I what?”
“Like me?” Another brief flicker of red. “You command this team, Captain Allen. You are the most integral part of it. I wish to get along with you too.”
He thinks back on the week that just passed, on the drug busts, on the anti-android protest that turned ugly, on the black market CyberLife raid. He thinks back on the stunned horror on everyone’s faces when the RK900 snapped a rifle in half, picked up a grown man and tossed him aside like a ragdoll in order to protect a fallen teammate.
He thinks back on that afternoon when he ran a segment of the baton relay race, of both the SWAT unit and Android Crimes Division combined up against Connor and the rookie. He remembers how easily the brothers had beaten them and how his team had so melodramatically displayed their fake disappointment at losing by trying to tackle the RK900 and piling on him ineffectively. He remembers hearing him laugh and seeing him smile that slightly lopsided smile.
A killing machine with the personality of a puppy; loyal to a fault.
“We get along just fine, rookie.”
“I am glad, sir.” He says again, softer this time. “Good night.”
*~*
He turns 44 on the job, and they’re filthy from chasing perps through the slush, teeth chattering from the cold as they huddle in the van headed back to the precinct. He expects to die on the job, so a birthday holds no special weight. He bargains with himself that if he makes it to 50 then he’ll make a big deal out of it. Maybe.
He likes to think he’s still in his prime, and this job demands the best from him both physically and mentally. Careful with what he eats, diligent with his exercise and strict with his training he refuses to let himself slip up; he knows better than anyone what this job requires. Still, though, on missions like these he reluctantly admits to himself he’s not 20 and spry anymore.
The showers cloud with steam as they all scrub off and it’s heaven on his sore muscles and cold skin. Wrapping a towel around his waist he heads back to his locker to grab a fresh set of clean clothes, lost in his thoughts as he goes over the mission in his head. A success, though a messy one. Another slightly amusing, slightly horrifying moment when the rookie snapped a perp’s arm simply by squeezing a little too hard. Jesus he’s glad they’ve got him on their side.
Fingers ghost along his ribs and he instinctively grabs the hand and twists.
“Captain I-”
“What-”
“Sorry! You-” Red LED as he drops his hand, and the RK900 steps back to put distance between them. “Your scar- it’s- you have-”
He stares at him and the android fidgets under his gaze. Looking down at himself, he turns slightly and lifts his arm to touch the long jagged scar along his ribs. “Serrated hunting knife.” He taps a puckered scar below his collarbone. “Gunshot.” Another skimming his hip bone. “Gunshot.” Another on his shoulder. “Gunshot.”
The rookie steps closer hesitantly, reaching out slowly to give him every opportunity to knock his hand away. He remains still, and lets him touch a faint scar on his forehead. “And this one?”
“Courtesy of my cousin swashbuckling with sticks when I was five.” A small smile spreads on the android’s lips, and he takes the opportunity to look him over. God it isn’t fair the android literally hasn’t put in a day’s work to have a body in peak, perfect shape. He’s plated in kevlar too, and he raps his knuckles on the hard chest plate. “You’re brand spanking new, rookie. Not a scratch on you.”
“Shiny and chrome.” One of the men pipes up. “Don’t worry rookie, you’ll earn your battle scars too someday.”
“Then you’ll really be one of us.” He grins, and the android grins in return and something catches in his throat and he thinks oh no.
*~*
“Will that be all for tonight, Captain?” Every evening, the same question, the same earnest expression on his face.
“Weapons cleaned, locked and logged?”
“Yessir.” A nod. “I-” he steps forward hesitantly and thinks the better of it, stepping back. “Happy birthday, Captain Allen. Good night.”
“Thanks rookie.” He manages a tired chuckle. “See you in the morning.”
*~*
Not every mission is a success. Sometimes the intel is bad, sometimes the raid is premature, sometimes the weather fucks them up. Sometimes things just go wrong, horribly, horrifically wrong and all they can manage is damage control.
“No, not like this. Not like this rookie, not on my watch.” He skids over to his side and drops to his knees, the RK900 lying on his back with his chest blown open by an explosive. By a fucking grenade he caught to protect the team. The android is shaking uncontrollably, LED blood red and he bleeds and bleeds and bleeds.
“I- I don’t know what to do. Rookie, I don’t-” there’s nothing to press down on, there’s no human anatomy here, he has no fucking clue. There’s just blue everywhere, and some distant part of him thinks Hank Anderson will literally kill him with his bare hands for getting one of his sons killed. And he wouldn’t blame him, he wouldn’t fight him on that either. “Not like this, c’mon rookie, please god not like this-” the call’s already been made, and a medtech van is being sent with the EMTs but he knows he won’t last that long. This is the worst part of the job and though he’d give anything not to be in this position, he wouldn’t wish this on anyone else.
The android weakly grasps his wrist, clumsily pulling his hand to touch an erratically pulsing circle just below his sternum. The blast has indented whatever it is, pushing it in a skewed angle.
“You want me to pull it out? Get it back in properly?” A weak nod, and he scrambles for his knife. “Okay, okay uh-” He wedges the tip of the knife under the edge of the glowing circle, and it takes a few tries for him to get it to catch properly, the blood making the surface so slippery the blade ends up sliding out of place. It pops up just an inch and then he has to reach in sideways through a missing chunk of plating to push it awkwardly back into an upright position, only then can he pull it out completely. It detaches with a wet click, and then he’s carefully lowering it back in until it latches into place. He’s trying not to focus too much on the fact he can see the rookie’s insides, at all the broken tubes and wires and the sparks, and the blood just pouring out.
“Stay with me rookie, what’s next? What do you need me to do?” The android pulls insistently on his hands, guiding them towards an open segment on his chest. “Here? I don’t- ugh!” he’s unable to stop the sound of disgust that leaves his mouth as the android pushes his hands inside of his chest until he touches some sort of glass component. It has thick tubes connected to it, and the blast has fractured it in several places. He shifts a little so he’s nearly straddling him in order to keep his hands securely on the biocomponent. It thrums in his hold, warm to the touch. Whatever it is, it’s stabilising him and the rookie looks less frenzied than before, taking slow, measured breaths most likely to ventilate his overheating systems.
It feels like an eternity before the medtechs arrive with their fancy equipment and then they’re very gently extracting his hands from the rookie’s chest and before swarming the android and whisking him away for surgery.
Somehow he makes it home. He’s not sure of anything, really, but somehow he’s showered and all the blue blood is gone and he’s in his favourite old hoodie from his academy days. His hands shake when he tries to pour himself a drink so he settles for a bottle of water from the fridge. When he looks at his hands they’re clean and then they’re not, they’re drenched in blue, and then they’re clean and they’re blue again and so he takes some advil and goes to bed.
*~*
He goes to Jericho in the morning, to see the rookie and he doesn’t know if he’s there to pick up a body or is there to visit as a guest. It’s the latter, thankfully.
“So he’s alright?” He asks one of the android doctors, and she nods with a smile.
“Yes, you saved his life.” She leads him down a hallway. “His heart was damaged by the explosion but you held it together and allowed it to keep pumping blood around his body.”
“I had-” he swallows thickly and thinks about the warm glass against his palm, “I held his heart in my hands?”
“And saved his life.” She gestures at a door. “He’s running a diagnostic cycle, but he’ll be ready for discharge in an hour.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you .” She laughs softly, before taking her leave.
The rookie is propped up by a couple of pillows, looking down at his chest.
“Hey.”
“Look, I have scars now.” The android says quietly, tracing a few jagged lines on the black kevlar plating around the glowing blue circle beneath his sternum.
“In my defence,” he takes a seat by the bed, “there was blood everywhere and I couldn’t wedge my knife under it in one go.”
“I like them.” He smiles tiredly, touching one of the thin jagged lines. “They remind me you saved my life, Captain.”
“I was way out of my depths there rookie, I’m glad you were awake enough to guide me.”
They sit there quietly and he listens to the machines beep and whirr and tries not to focus on how exhausted he feels, how raw and exposed he feels because of all that’s transpired.
“I have been alive for exactly one month today.” The rookie says quietly.
“This is a pretty lousy way to start off the day, sorry.”
“I’m starting it off alive, so I would consider that far from lousy, sir.”
“Oh so you’ve got no social programming, but you’ve got sass is that it?” He rolls his eyes, unable to stop the smile on his lips. The android regards him with those striking grey eyes and he knows the only cold thing about them is the colour. Reaching for his hands, just like yesterday, he guides them to rest on his chest.
“You held my heart in your hands and you saved my life.” He murmurs, LED flickering yellow and holding. “Would it be alright if I entrusted it to you for safekeeping?”
He knows what he means, he knows what he’s asking of him and it terrifies him. He knows this job is hell, he never wanted a partner to get caught up wondering, waiting for him to come home and the one inevitable time he won’t. He’s kept everyone at arm’s length, he’s given his mind, body and soul to this job in place of his heart. Maybe this way they’ll keep each other safe. Maybe this way it’s better; they both know the risks, they both know what the job demands of them.
Leaning in, he presses their lips together and gives his heart in return.
#rk900#allen900#captain allen#detroit: become human#rarepairs#annie writes: dbh#there's...spiciness...to follow...#👀👀👀💦#oh anon#adventures in text posts
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Trying to break the cancellation issue down: Week 2
Okay, so tonight I posted an entirely-too-long tweet thread on this issue, in which I recapped a lot of what I laid out in my post last week, as well some things I mentioned in response to an ask yesterday, and also new questions, information, and supposition. I thought I would try to lay it out here in a slightly more coherent issue.
First, however, I’m going to put it behind a cut. Because then if I have to edit any of this information, all the reblogs will link to the edited version instead of reblogging the incorrect/out-of-date version. Then I won’t have to make any future new posts on this subject.
Please keep in mind that this is all educated guessing. None of us know what’s really going on.
To recap what I laid out last week:
@freeform doesn’t own Shadowhunters. Freeform merely “leases” the domestic distribution rights from Constantin Film, who holds the adaptation rights.
(ETA 6/16/18) Freeform, however, has exclusive rights to this show indefinitely and it goes no where unless Freeform chooses to give them up. (this is a correction as I was mistaken before in believing the distribution rights would revert to Constantin after Freeform turned down Season 4)
@netflix doesn’t own Shadowhunters either. Netflix “leases” the international distribution rights from Freeform.
The money Netflix and Freeform pay Constantin for those rights funds production of the show.
Itunes, Amazon Video and Hulu all have domestic streaming of the show as well as Freeform.
Hulu likely acquires its streaming arrangement from Freeform, as the show carries the Freeform logo on Hulu. This makes sense; Disney owns part Hulu and all of Freeform.
I don’t know if Amazon and Itunes carry SH internationally, and I don’t know if they have their domestic streaming agreement from Freeform or from Constantin. I DO know they have a different streaming format than Freeform; you buy the episodes individually or the season entirely, rather than paying for a subscription service (I don’t think the show is on Amazon Prime as part of their subscription package, but I could be wrong.)
Something to keep in mind going forward:
Freeform is a business, and it’s going to be more helpful to us to regard this stance on the issue in terms of cost/benefit analysis, rather than assuming pettiness or malice or vindictiveness. I know having a villain in this scenario fires us up and keeps us raring for the fight, and we need that energy, but ultimately it’s not helpful in drilling down to the core issues and finding solutions.
Stupidity and tone-deafness are definitely sins we could probably fairly lay at their door, however. They have clearly underestimate both the passion of their audience and the importance of this show on a societal level, and those are tragic, foolish mistakes.
Shadowhunters and Freeform: A History:
As anyone who has ever looked at leasing versus buying a car or apartment will tell you, there are certain benefits to both arrangements, but usually in the long run it costs less to own something rather than to lease it. Which means that Freeform isn’t making as much money off SH as it is off the shows that are actually Freeform originals.
Why did Freeform acquire the distribution rights, then?
Well, ABC Family was intending to rebrand as Freeform and go after the millennial crowd, and it needed some new, edgier, more adult, more diverse, less family-oriented shows than The Fosters or whatever.
They also wanted to break into the streaming market instead of going with a live-airing-only model.
A show like Shadowhunters, based off a series of books their target audience enjoyed growing up, was obviously a good bet. Especially since that audience is largely comprised of binge-watching cord-cutters.
The goal, then, was to use Shadowhunters to draw the new audience in and to have it “shepherd” less established, Freeform-original franchises by hoping the SH viewers would stick around to watch whatever was in the 9pm time slot. And that worked well for them.
But once Freeform had a number of other, original shows doing somewhat well, the “benefit” side of the cost/benefit ratio began to decrease. It’s an expensive show to produce that isn’t performing well in live ratings and whatever money they’re making off it, they have to give a hefty portion of that to Constantin Film.
The cost (at least in terms of lost potential revenue) was further compounded by the fact that Shadowhunters was occupying a very coveted time-slot, 8PM, for 20 weeks of the year. That is a massive piece of prime-time real estate to give to a show that is no longer really needed to perform the functions they once required from it.
Malec_Immortal over on Twitter posted a pretty astute (if somewhat vitriolic) series of tweets about how you can identify the timeframe when Freeform made the decision to stop investing so heavily in Shadowhunters. YouTuber Trini did a side-by-side comparison of the effort the Freeform Twitter put into promoting s2 and the effort they put into promoting s3 and it couldn’t really be more blatant.) Now, maybe they might have continued with the show had season 3 performed better in the live ratings, but it’s obvious they were all about reducing their cost while trying to glean what dwindling benefit they could from it.
I think it’s clear that Freeform was still promoting the show up through August, at least, because the cast’s appearance at SDCC was an obvious investment that doesn’t appear to have been used to promote any other Freeform properties (though perhaps a few Disney ones) but by NYCC in October, it’s obvious that they had slotted SH into the role of mentor/veteran show whose primary purpose was to pull in viewers for Freeform’s other, wholly owned properties.
Perhaps if SH had performed well enough in live-airing views to justify a continued investment, Freeform wouldn’t have wanted to reduce their episode order for season 4, but that didn’t happen. At that point, the cost of continuing with a full 20-episode season outweighed the benefit. They tried to negotiate for a reduced season order, Netflix wasn’t happy with that, and now here we are.
Where does that leave us?
Freeform got the drop on everyone in terms of setting the narrative for this whole thing. They blamed it on Netflix for yanking out of their distribution deal and leaving Freeform holding the bag. In truth, however, it appears the only reason Netflix pulled out is because Freeform violated an agreement by demanding a shorter season for s4.
Which makes sense. Of course Netflix would want more and Freeform would want less; this show has always performed better on streaming and internationally than it has on live television.
I think it’s clear that somewhere along the way, Freeform (while not abandoning its streaming emphasis) has reverted to considering live-viewing ratings in its considerations. An obvious example is Beyond. Beyond performed well enough in its first season (shepherded, as it were, by Shadowhunters) to get a second season, but a large part of its success was the fact that it was dropped all at once for streaming-on-demand. For whatever reason, Freeform decided that wasn’t profitable and went to a different model for season 2, and Beyond performed abysmally and got the axe.
Unfortunately for us, they’ve been applying the Beyond-season2 model all along, which means Shadowhunters hasn’t been performing as well either by their calculations (though a great deal of that is down to reduced marketing and just using the show as a vehicle to promote other, Freeform-original properties.
For all that they claimed it wasn’t about the ratings and was “purely economical” you can’t divorce the economics of a show from the ratings if you’re using a live-air-viewing model. They needed that coveted 8pm timeslot for something that would be more profitable. They could have moved SH to a less valuable time slot, but then it wouldn’t make them enough money to earn back what they were spending on the distribution license (which funds production.)
Yeah yeah yeah, but what does this mean for the show getting picked up?
To put it frankly, our biggest obstacle here on multiple fronts is season 3b. Specifically, it’s the fact that Freeform has pushed 3b back to Spring of 2019. That is screwing our efforts over, big time.
These are episodes that are already in the can. The final cut of 3x20 has been produced, according to Todd Slavkin. And these are episodes that Freeform owns and still hasn’t aired.
No one is going to want to acquire this show until 3b has aired. (Assuming Freeform is willing to let anyone acquire it.) Which means no one is going to want to acquire it until Summer of 2019. And we probably wouldn’t get season 4 until spring of 2020 at the earliest.
I can’t think of a single other show that has been canceled with half the season still month away from being aired like this. And if it has happened, it probably wasn’t picked up by anyone else (if at all) until after the season was done.
Look at it this way. It’s obvious from their CEO’s tweets that Constantin would love to see the distribution rights pass to someone else (probably Netflix.) Netflix may even be willing to pick them up (if Freeform is willing to sell,) considering that who Constantin’s CEO tagged in his tweets.
But what happens to those 10 episodes that are in the can? Whoever picks the show up has to wait until Freeform is done airing those eps before they can begin marketing, and probably even filming.
Maybe someone would be willing to pay Freeform for those eps, but that’s highly unlikely. What new network wants to start a show mid-season like that? And would they even be willing to pay enough for Freeform to recoup their losses on production AND potential losses on advertising? A new network will want the story to be in a place where new viewers who have never seen it before will be able to tune in and quickly pick up on what is going on, and considering the cliffhanger S3a left off on, that’s...not something anyone EXCEPT Netflix (or maybe Hulu or Amazon, who already have the previous episodes in their libraries) would want to pick up. That pretty much rules out...every other network.
Furthermore, again, the show has always done best streaming. Odds are good that ONLY a streaming service is going to want the show.
Some questions we need to ask:
Will whoever acquires the show be paying Freeform to “adopt” their distribution license, or will Freeform’s distribution license lapse and a new license need to be negotiated with Constantin? (ETA 6/16/18: we appear to have an answer on that.)
Also, CAN Freeform even get out of the plan to film/air the 2-hour finale at this point? The contract has probably already been negotiated. Unless they somehow have an option to back out of it, they’re committed.
So, it may be that they HAVE to make that episode. Which probably won’t begin filming until season 4 would have begun filming, probably around August. Which probably means the earliest they could air the season/episode is in January and we would HAVE to wait until spring/summer of 2019 before anyone else can pick up this show. IF they’re willing to pick up this show. If potential buyers see interest has waned because of the long wait and general frustration and disgust, they’re not going to want the show.
Will potential buyers even be interested if the show has run out of book-based material? The 2-hour finale is supposed to wrap up the final book of the series, and while our main concern is that 2 hours won’t be enough to do all that material justice (especially with any non-book-based plotlines also needing to be resolved.) Any future seasons would, in essence, be a spin-off using the same characters. Can Constantin even do that with the adaptation rights?
So what do we do?
I’m not saying we should stop fighting, not at all, but I’m saying we need to conserve our energy because this is going to be a very long haul. It’s a situation that is messy and complicated beyond any other show that I’ve ever heard of being cancelled and picked up by another network. We very likely won’t see any fruit from our labors until after 3b and the finale air, whenever that may happen. I think with the negative publicity we’re generating, Freeform may find it useful to get us out of their hair sooner rather than later, but the time required to produce the finale ep is an issue there.
We really need more answers to know how to most effectively apply pressure to get the show renewed. Our best bet for getting those answers is the same place we’ve gotten the information we have so far; interviews and articles. Some media outlets are already latching onto this story (and largely supporting us, or reporting that we’re not going away) but we need to keep making this A STORY in order to get them to report on it (and hopefully use their access to get more answers than we have.)
HOWEVER I could be wrong about any or all of this. OUR BEST BET IS TO CONTINUE BEING LOUD. DO NOT STOP TRYING TO GET THE SHOW PICKED UP.
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The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1 Betches
Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!
TIA: You told me that I deserve the best.
CHRIS: You do.
TIA: But you made out with Krystal.
CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you.
TIA:
Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!
Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.
HOW.
Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.
Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.
HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.
Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.
Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.
JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton?
TIA:
WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for? To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!
Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.
Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!
KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you?
JACKIE:
Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!
Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.
OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.
Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.
Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!
Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.
COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom—
BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?
Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.
Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)
Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?
MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.
So. Much. Fashion. 🌹🌹🌹 cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise 🌊🌴🦀🥂
A post shared by Bachelor Insider (@bachelorinsider) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:18pm PDT
Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony.
CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl.
NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.
Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.
Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.
WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.
Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”
ME:
Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.
Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?
Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.
Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.
ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope.
JORDAN: Will you accept this rose?
ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored.
JORDAN: Sike!
Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!
@ericbigger, better, badder! 📸:@ericbigger
A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Aug 20, 2018 at 5:49pm PDT
Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.
Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:
Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.
David picks Chelsea.
Kevin picks Astrid.
Chris picks Krystal. God help her.
John picks Jubilee.
Joe picks Kendall.
Colton picks Tia. Vomit.
Eric picks Angela.
Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.
And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.
Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
Read more: https://betches.com/?p=34514
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