#Letter from Fibromyalgia

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

the oddest thing just happened.

so for a while now i've been getting a few really bad headaches a month around my cycle, which also happened to my mom when she was my age. i never thought they were migraines since the only symptom is head pain, but she said that migraine medication helped her back in the day, so okay, i mentioned it to my doctor. the headaches are in frequent but bad enough that the morphine i take for fibromyalgia didn't do shit.

my doctor gave me some samples of migraine medications, and holy fuck. one qulipta just poofs the headache away like it was never there, without even making me groggy or anything. it's like a miracle.

the sample packs were pretty much enough to last me between visits, which was good because qulipta seemed to be crazy expensive. my doctor was happy to keep giving me samples, but unfortunately i forgot them last time. so okay, i'd found a savings card, let's just try filling it with this card so i have 30 pills and don't have to worry about samples anymore.

that starts a whole song and dance with a prior authorization, which i can't fill the prescription without, and takes weeks because the lady who handles it at my doctor's is terribly overworked. finally, yesterday we get a call from the pharmacy saying it's ready, and what's more, with the card it costs $0! woohoo!

ran out to pick it up this evening. no problems. ran a couple other quick errands. got home, got the mail. in the mail was a letter from my insurance saying the prior authorization had been denied because i'm not officially diagnosed with a migraine condition and therefore the medication is not "medically necessary".

so. if i couldn't get it without the prior authorization, and the prior authorization was denied... how the fuck did i get it, much less for no cost? is this what socialized medicine is like, you just... get the medication you need without having to jump through a million hoops?

#this isn't actually that interesting a story but now that i've typed it all out i'm going to hit post anyway #personal

[audistorium]

A Love Letter to Audio Drama

I feel very vulnerable throwing this in a few different places. But I don't know how to put this in any other way. But hello! I am Lemon, the creator of Audistorium, and I have this nifty condition called Fibromyalgia. I'd say most of you don't know this about me. There's a reason for that. It's because I don't talk about it, and I don't talk about it because I don't want anyone to think I'm damaged goods. I've seen firsthand how differently people treat me after I tell them about it, but I'm gonna tell ALL of you about it now. Not because I want you to feel sorry, but because I want you to understand. Over a year ago now I started having pains in my shoulders. At first I assumed I was just often sore. But it continued. It worsened. It took a long time to get a diagnosis. I was sticked, prodded and tested on for a while. The whole time my shoulders just would not stop hurting. The solution they wanted to give me was pain pills and inflammatory concoctions. Well, if you know me, you know I don't take pain medicine because I hate opiates. My family has a long history of drug abuse, and I hate painkillers because of it. I know they're not necessarily to blame, but I feel how I feel. So I sat there. I let myself exist in that pain. It felt like a constant burn picking at my shoulders. My sleep quality began to deteriorate, and now I'm lucky if a long sleep is 5 hours. This is Fibromyalgia for me. They finally figured it out. The thing about this condition though, is that it Isn't the same for everyone. Not the same pain. There are a lot of things it can do to you. But generally, and in my case, it won't kill you, and you can't pass it on. It's not genetic, either. It just HAPPENS, but I digress. It is scary. It is something I have had a lot of therapy sessions talking about. It only becomes isolating when people find out that the pain is perpetual, and you start getting excluded from things. People stop checking in. They feel sorry for you when you never asked for it. The thing is, I've become so accustomed to the pain that really, I'm just like everyone else. I want to be. So badly. I can still run, jump, hike, skateboard even. But the knowledge that I'm constantly in pain, something I don't even talk about, seems to have driven so many people away. Yet, It's not even something I would bring up or talk about. I dealt with that myself. But the amount of times I've been given the excuse - by even family - of "well, we know you're usually hurting so we didn't want to push you." is staggering. It leaves me angry, a bitter taste that's almost impossible to wash down because I. Am not. Broken.

Audistorium is my escapism. It is my way of getting out the things I need to through storytelling. A joyous meandering. It is a welcome distraction from the gnawing shoulders and faces that don't want to look. In another light, I want to say that I'm saying all of this because I'm comfortable within the Audio Drama and Voiceover space. Time after time after time I have been welcomed with open arms. You are all so lovely, and I am closer to some of you than I am to my family. I've channeled all of the things I'm feeling into something creative and positive. I continue to do this because it's the only thing in so long that has felt right. That has been able to unhook me from what was binding me emotionally for so long. All I want to say now is that If there is anything you can do in this space, make it be loving your friends, supporting their creativity, laughing through the struggle with them and smiling as you watch them flourish. You have no idea what they may have going on that they're afraid to talk about. If you made it this far, thank you. My name is Lemon, and I promise, I'm not broken.

#audistorium #audio drama #audio fiction #fiction podcast

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

talk about being psychic. Been dreaming for a while of being re-hired by one of my first jobs and today I had an interview. Please, Athena, goddess of jobs and trades, please let me get this job.

Seasonal Affective Depression (SAD) is killing me. I mean, the weather goes from sunny and nice for days to dark, snowy, and dreary, and then right back again. The constant fluctuations have my mind and body in a TON of pain. I've been mostly staying in bed, and now I'm in my chair in my craft room with the heating pad for my shoulders. Had a migraine last night, pain today, probably a flare of my fibromyalgia coming on. Got my hair cut and showered today, plus I'm doing laundry. I tell ya, folks, TAKE YOUR MEDS. I feel so much better when I take my meds on time. I'll be trying to wake up earlier so I don't have the excuse of it being "too late" to take my AM meds. I keep the pillbox right on my nightstand so I can take the first dose shortly after waking up and having breakfast.

WHEN (better not be if) I get back to this job, my vest will have pockets big enough to hold not only my phone but my AM pillbox. I would be getting about four-hours shifts, so only if I'm in the morning do I really need to take it with me. I have alarms set on my TickTick app to remind me when to take each dose.

Haven't done any tarot reading or anything lately. Mostly just been going back and studying simple spells, candle magick, and stuff like that. Just figured I need a refresher! Nothing wrong with getting back to basics!

Anyway, that's my catch-up. Also, if anyone would like to be penpals -I have tons of stickers and stuff to send out with letters- please feel free to message me!

#witchblr #hellenic pagan #personal #witchcraft #pen pal #pen pals

[scythemichaelfaraday]

I am once again realizing that engaging with anything JTHM related while actively struggling with many mental illnesses is in fact bad for my health.

Under the cut: a love letter to JTHM with a side of divorce papers. Also an apology to anyone in the community who I've hurt directly or indirectly.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I found a space for JTHM in my life when I really needed it to find me. It helped me find my best friend, my spouse, and many cool people who have made all sorts of impacts on my life.

It helped me feel seen when I was struggling with coming to terms with the "darker" and "scarier" symptoms (homicidal ideation, delusions, paranoia) of my disorders. It helped me feel like I wasn't alone in my despair and my anger and angst.

It helped me process when I lost my sister to suicide. It helped me explicitly write out my darkest fantasies of violently killing the people who kept my sister from coming home from the morgue. It helped me take out all of my pain and trauma out on a single individual that already was hurting so deeply, so why not hurt him more. But as time has gone on, I've realized that I have distanced myself farther and farther from the source. I've created a Johnny of my own- one different but cut from the same cloth of Jhonen's. It became unclear to me where I started and Johnny began. I integrated so much of myself into my version of how I wrote and drew Johnny that it started to seem more like a mirror than a self-portrait.

I cut my hair like him. I wore similar clothes. I acted in a similar manner. I imagined myself looking like him when people perceived me, despite being... 5'1", filipino, and not-at-all thin.

I had a dilemma, I wanted to be him, but I also wanted him to be more like me.

I styled his hair to be more like mine: less spiky, more soft, rounded, full with my current (constantly changing hair color) to match. I gave him my glasses. I put him in my clothes. I gave him undiagnosed chronic pain, then MCTD, then fibromyalgia. I gave him a cane. I gave him self harm scars in the exact same places mine are. I later gave him my "sexuality" (both in terms of orientation and otherwise) and my gender identity. He has my Bipolar, BPD, PTSD, ADHD, ED, Anxiety, etc. And finally, I gave him my partner, or at least the characters that my partner also furnished for themself.

At this point in my journey of mental health, I can say that I've turned Johnny into quite the projection. Even before I met my current partner, I gave him a spouse and kids, things that I vehemently denied wanting, but secretly desired to be stable enough to have. Well... less so the kids.

I wanted him to recover in the same way that I wanted and still want to. Not to be "fixed." There is no fixing mental illness, just treating it and learning how to live with it. Fucking up and fixing along the way. Just like I gave him those other things, I inserted a support system into his life; I gave him a family; I gave him a purpose outside of the one that Jhonen made him for and... it felt freeing but it also felt scandalous. Sacrilegious. Forbidden.

I was so afraid that people would see the Johnny I "created" and shun him and by extension, me. "He's out of character. He would never say that. This is who he is. This is who he is only allowed to be."

As someone with Borderline, I internalized the outcry of OOC as an attack against my constantly fractured sense of identity and kept myself stuck in the ways I always were. I believed that in order to stay within the community/fandom, I would have to stay as sick and as disordered as possible or else I'd be an outsider someone who just "doesn't get it." Someone who "doesn't get Johnny."

And maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe there really isn't "getting" Johnny in the same way for everyone, but this isn't about that.

On the opposite hand, when I became more secure in my recovery (or at least during a phase of it) I was more defensive of my depictions. That other people were talking about me behind my back, that I was pariah of sorts that dared to think differently. I thought: these people want to stay stuck, they want Johnny to stay stuck. They engage in these things that are so sickening and awful. Why can't they be like me and just hurt themselves?!

Then, someone's response to it made me realize that I was no better no different than them. What gave me the right to judge people for how they coped with their trauma and disorders? My cutting, my vent art, and interaction with the same exact media was just the same as them engaging in a community that while I still wouldn't become a part of, I have newfound respect for. We are all just trying to fucking cope with our awful lives and experiences and I had and have NO RIGHT to judge them for it.

So to be crystal clear without naming names: I am sorry for what I've said about people who engage with the TCC. I am sorry for what I've said regarding people liking Jimmy. I have not sent anon hate or any hate to people who like Jimmy, but I have made comments such as "liking X is like you being the Jimmy" and thus have contributed to the fandom's hostility towards people who like Jimmy. It is through these people that I've discovered that there is a lot more nuance than I can personally appreciate for the character. I may not like him still, but I do respect and admire anyone who can find comfort in him or otherwise.

Since then, it's been a journey of accepting that from the start, I have engaged with the community from a standpoint of mental illness. Much like someone forms a trauma bond with a friend or acquaintance, I trauma-bonded with JTHM and have been "married" to it for 7 (heh heh) long, complicated years. It's been my personality, my identity, my story, my thoughts, my everything. I didn't lose myself in JTHM, because I never knew who I was, and I still don't. But remaining married to it has severely impeded my ability to learn who I am.

I did character analysis after character analysis. I combed through every last page, read every last note Jhonen wrote, turned the book over and over to read the hidden messages in the borders. I tried to parse who Johnny is, who he wants to be, his likes, dislikes, his dreams, nightmares, fears, everything. I asked him everything about himself, but I didn't once turn those questions towards myself directly.

I want to learn who Zzy is. What Zzy wants. What Zzy likes, dislikes, fears, aspires to, everything. And with this final step towards freedom from JTHM, I think that I am ready to learn who they are. Or at least, try. I want to try for them.

This doesn't mean that I will be leaving behind the Johnny I've built, but rather that I will work towards making him something of my own rather than the extension of something that was never mine to begin with. I love the world and story I've built with him too much.

So thank you, JTHM, thank you Jhonen, for giving me some serious pain food to chew on. My monster's teeth have been continually sharpened and worn down all these years thanks to your help, but I think I can take it from here. I will never forget the awesome people you've connected me with, the experiences you've granted me, and the relief you've offered.

However, we also have not been good to or for each other. I made you into everything about me. I forced you into every corner of my life. You convinced me to abandon all hope of wellness and manipulated me into the temptation to stay with you even when I knew it'd be better to distance ourselves. You kept me from discovering myself in some of my most formative years. These are things that will take a while to recover from. And these are things that cause me to tell you that we are done.

This isn't goodbye forever, but this is sayonara for now.

#jthm

[artistic-writer]

a year gone by

Many of you will know that for the last year or so, I have had very little, if any, fandom contact. I guess I should explain a little bit about what has been going down and what has kept me away.

My account would not let me in: And i am stubborn. So i stopped trying to get in. At the time i felt like the fandom was moving apart and I didn't want top to be apart of the he said she said that came along with it. I have seen a good number of new fandom members emerging, who are kind and loving and thoughtful on the Discord, and have made me want to come back.

Wilf: I got a second dog without realising the consequences of doing so and the impact it would have on my family. Wilf has his share of problems. He is my little ball of anxiety and I have been working through the many issues he has with him, but we are far from there yet. He is nearly 2 now <3

My health is in the tank: I have had several flare ups of my Fibromyalgia in the last few years, and many of them have made it difficult to sit still long enough. As you can imagine, this takes its toll on one's mental health. Yay having an illness that is worsened by inactivity. My nature is a little self destructive and i throw myself into work in order to forget about the pain, and that has led to severe fatigue, which in turn, is not conducive to writing or arting. I am sorry. Also, in April i had a work related accident where i thought i had just sprained my ankle, but as it turns out, i have detatched not one, but two ligaments, so am awaiting the outcome of will i/won't i need an operation? My appointment is in Dec.

I took up a hobby!: For nearly FOUR years I have been on the waiting list, trying to get into a dog sport called Flyball. FINALLY, my local team got back to us and Killian is running through their first course, and will hopefully be offered a place on the team! I have found a group of real human beings who 'get me' and so far, i am loving it!

I got a promotion at work: I am the boss now. for reals. i still cannot believe anyone would put me in charge of a team of people, but here we are. This eats up more of my time but also allows me to have a decent schedule - so should allow for more me time!

I went back to school: Obviously, not content with enough in my life, I enrolled on an Advanced Canine Behaviour Diploma course, for which i have a year to complete. I'm sure i can fit it in...somewhere. Collecting all the letters after my name, innit.

I work two jobs: 48 hrs a week in one job just wasn't enough, clearly. I am currently training with the Institute of Modern Dog Trainers (IMDT) and hope to become a fully accepted member at the satrt of next year. Their values align with everything i do in dog training, and although I currently offer 1-2-1's, classes, and such, I really want accolades that tell people I am the best. I currently work as a dog trainer Fridays, with the odd handstripping and groom thrown in between jobs.

My husband and I are working through some things: We are not actually married but it is easier to tell people we are rather than explain why we are not. We have had a very up-and-down few years, mainly because of miscommunication, but we are working through it because we are each other's soul mates. I would never want anyone else in my corner. maybe @hollyethecurious, but she's just there to hide the bodies. As such, we are making time for each other more, so I'll likely just be around in the evenings or weekends.

#life #about me #now you know

[myalgicencephalomyelitiscfstom]

People with other chronic illnesses that have a significant pain component (e.g. most people with ME/CFS) will likely be able to relate to this and so thus might like to share it also.

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #long term illness #chronic illness #fibro

[ladyjanstories]

There is no winning with chronic illnesses. They can be “manageable,” but they’re not really controllable. No matter how good a person is with diet, exercise, medications, and healthy routines, flare-ups still happen. I can try and try, and it won’t matter. My asthma, IBS, acid reflux, anxiety, depression, and/or fibromyalgia can decide to act up on a whim. I avoided the triggers. I did nearly everything right and still… chest pain or gut issues or depression goes up, or I have trouble standing.

Last month, I had a cancer scare. The lump turned out to be a cyst which will require monitoring. And then I had an episode of my head feeling very heavy, like I’d topple over if I stood up. My eyes kept closing and when I tried typing something to search, it ended up as gibberish. Except when I typed it, I knew I was typing the right letters. Only it wasn’t. It’s like when someone has a stroke and they think they’re speaking properly and the people who hear them know it’s nonsense. My speech was fine. Queue blood and urine tests to make sure I’m fine… and the result comes back with an issue. A marker that shouldn’t go above 7.5 is at 30.2. That marker is to look out for infection, inflammation, stroke, heart disease, etc. Now a few days before those tests I did miss a day of work with a fever (I thought I was cold and usual feeling crappy, turns out it was some chills and maybe not usual feeling crappy.) So I have to wait to test again and hopefully that score goes down. If it does, then it’s likely I’ve graduated to silent migraines— all the confusion, eye problems, and more without pain as a warning sign or symptom. Perhaps finally reached my quota.

But it sucks. I am trying here. I am really trying. I got a new position in the last 8 months and it’s like, my body still can’t calm down. I mean, I was diagnosed (though my doc keeps the door open in case a new symptom points to something else) with fibromyalgia before this new position. And I’ve most of my problems for decades. But none of them are ever controllable. None are ever done from making my life painful and hard and… I would really like to go a few months without a new level of pain or a new issue or a twist in how an illness operates or meds wearing off… it’s tiring. So tiring. And it feels almost made-up after awhile. Like, there’s no way this is all happening. At any moment someone is going to ask, “I thought you’d found a way to work with this?”

I thought I had. I thought I’d found out how to deal with everything in a way that my body accepted and then “breast cyst” and then silent migraines.

My new job requires 40hrs a week. I was doing 38 a week before. And somehow this 40 is so much. With everything happening, it feels like so much. When I feel like it’s ok, I get a surprise fever and this.

#chronic pain #chronic illness #fibromyalgia #chest pain #why

[seven-oomen]

So basically I have a pain syndrome that acts like fibromyalgia but isn't fibromyalgia. Still waiting on the official diagnosis and letters from the rheumatologist but that's the gist of what I understood.

And that the condition is likely caused by psychosomatic causes like my ptsd and anxiety.

Idk if self diagnosis is considered valid in a lot of spaces but I'm gonna say that's what I have since it acts like it.

Idk I'm just tired and I just want to understand my pain and learn to accept it.

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #actually mentally ill #actually ptsd #actually disabled #ben says stuff

[mikelogan]

at this point, i am almost completely certain that my long-term disability appeal is going to be denied again. it's through a private insurance company and was an included benefit from my employer. it would at least give me some income while going through the process of applying for social security disability, which we're expecting will take at least a couple years and ultimately go to a hearing.

so now i'm fully and completely fucked. i have no regular source of income and while my parents are very generous in letting me move back in with them, they are not able to support me financially at all and no one else in my family is equipped to either.

i don't know what im going to do. i can't work, but they think im able to do sedentary work, which while easier physically (but still not sustainable), does not account for any of the mental aspects and symptoms i deal with. i wrote this long letter as part of my appeal and provided a bunch of medical records, trying to drive home the point that i'm a human being and this is literally my only hope right now and they just. do not care.

all of my shit is still in a storage unit, and the march rent for it will leave me with less than $40 to my name. i have nowhere to put any of it, so i guess i'm going to have to try and sell the furniture and other shit that i love.

im just so fucking tired of fighting constantly and being told i'm so young so it's going to be harder and i have fibromyalgia so it's going to be harder, etc. like i'm just done.

#ramblings #spoonie life

[callsign-bunnie]

Welcome back. I have a question, are you going to continue the 52 Letters to Simon Riley. Or are you just done with that?

The thing is that I really wanted to. I really did.

I know that I have a few fics that I've left unfinished, I do. Trust me, no one feels more frustrated with it than I do. I want to continue all of them and I likely will continue to post chapters for them. I'm working on the next chapter of Slasher Fieldtrip, rn.

After about a half a year, I am just exhausted. I try not to actually talk in depth about my mental health issues super publically, though I've indulged in what was formerly my discord server and I'll open up to individuals. I know I've made memes and sort of touched on it here and there, too.

However, I think it's time. I've said it before but the main three things that are constantly kicking my ass are OCD, BPD, and autism. I have physical health issues, too, like PCOS, POTS, and potential fibromyalgia, though my mother would like to lead me towards lyme disease. I am also having to put together the resources to very immanently get assessed for GERDS and a neurological issue.

I have dyslexia as well.

For the past year, since about February, I think, I have been in a constant cycle of episodes triggered by my BPD or OCD, depressive episodes, then right back to the first. When I would post frequently would be when I was likely psychotic. The worst of this was definitely February to March before I started to take weed regularly, which really helped with my episodes.

I call them psychotic episodes because that's always been how they've been described to me by, admittedly, non-professionals, but I am starting to understand that that's likely not fully what they are. As always, I'm willing to talk about it more, if asked.

I want to sort of fully document this last year. However, if you're not interested in that and you want a short answer: I don't know. I would like to keep writing 52 Letters, I really would. I have plans to return to it, I do plan to finish it, too, but for now, it's very much up in the air.

However, the long explanation is down below.

--

TW: Talks of psychosis, self harm, delusions, suicide, and paranoia

So, about December of 2021, my wife and I made the decision to move to Texas. I don't really regret that, actually I'm not one to regret much, but it very much was a bad idea. We lived in an area that was very high with industrial factories and being around chemicals all the time are just not a great idea. I'm not a crunchy person, I don't believe all chemicals are bad, but my wife and I were physically and mentally super ill the entire year.

During this year, I couldn't go outside if the temp was above 90 F (This was Texas, a reminder.) My wife and I fought constantly, and I was having severe delusions. All the way from seeing ghosts, to being convinced that people were in love with me, to being convinced they were plotting my death. My wife also had very frequent episodes. Her mental health is not mine to talk about, but it was bad. I did have a therapist around this time, but I was too scared to open up about my delusions and so I suffered in silence. I did not tell anyone about my delusions because when I do, I always get the same reaction. I have told people who are in the field of mental health who have openly judged me and told me that it's bad, so I just don't, anymore.

As such, it was a fairly miserable year.

We moved back December of 2022, which is when I would get into COD, obvis. At this point, I had two books that I was actively writing that I literally dropped to start writing fanfiction. I had a lot of fun, I loved it. I would also make a discord server which was fun... at first. I don't really blame anyone else, for the record. A few people and I definitely bumped heads for quite a few reasons and I'm very sorry for that.

However, this discord server kind of took over as a source of my main mental health issues. See, BPD on it's own is shitty. OCD is worse. Together is a fresh new hell. Most of my OCD symptoms feed into or are fed by my BPD, which makes them worse. Triggers for BPD can very quickly spiral me down into episodes of OCD where I am just off the walls.

I have had to very quickly learn that making friends is not something I am adept at or even really able to do right now. However, I will admit that I was partially "manic" (being used as I have no idea what else to call it) all the way from December to February. I'm talking total god complex, I can't die mentality. I was having auditory hallucinations, I wasn't eating so I was sick all of the time (hypoglycemia and POTS), and the only thing fueling me was the positive feedback of fics. I would write things I wasn't happy with just to post them. I wrote two Ghostsoap fics that I just hated because I knew Ghostsoap was popular.

Writing things that I enjoyed just became a chore because I, unfortunately, have fairly niche interests. I understand that and I know that. I tried to spin things into what I enjoyed, too, but it just never seemed to get traction. I wanted to make these big AUs and focus on them and while the actual writing seemed to do just fine, it felt like none of the fun side parts did, which was what I enjoyed most. I love writing, don't get me wrong, I really do. But I also just love... creating. I love talking to people and discussing ideas and getting feedback and giving it. But... no one wanted that, which is fine, I'm not saying that's bad. However, it triggered me. It triggered me really bad.

Through no one else's fault, it felt like I had became the little kid on the playground again, just trying to get people to talk to me and want to be around me. I'm sure a lot of you understand that feeling, it's soul crushing.

Eventually, this and events on the server (again, no one else's fault) sent me into a full-blown spiral until February rolls around and I am not doing well. I'm sleeping and eating less, I'm also having severe financial issues as well. My wife and I are fighting again and the cherry on the cake was my mother not inviting me to her birthday outing. I will be honest, I remember very little from February to May. I remember that I tried getting a job, which didn't pan out for... obvious reasons. I remember that my brother ended up getting kicked out and moved in with me. I remember my birthday was awful. (To anyone who went out of their way to send me a birthday ask/comment/reblog, I thank you so much, you will never truly understand exactly what they meant to me during the worst birthday of my life.)

In May, my wife turned 21 and so she starts to buy weed, which really started to help. Obviously, weed isn't a fix all but it broke the severe episode that I was going through, which really helped. Even now, it's helped a lot. However, it identified an issue;

I was only writing so much because I was severely ill. I know that it likely was noticed but this is when my writing drops from a chapter every day to being lucky to get 3-4 a week. I think I started to drop fics left and right and I also think this is when I really slowed down my ask box. I think I also started to burn the fuck out really bad around this time, as well.

On top of all of this, I was starting to have severe issues with a friend. I will not talk about this because I do not want to make it public, but these issues really sucked. I also started to have issues with my family, again, and with the weed easing my more psychotic side (again, called psychotic by others, not me), I didn't have anything to combat the depression. All I could do, half the time, when I got overwhelmed, was to just lay down and not do anything or get on the game and play COD.

Something else that is relevant is I hate people. But I hate them in the same way someone with rabies hates water. I don't want to hate people, I really don't. It's part of my mental illness, but it makes it so hard to interact with people. I have no patience, ever, my brother and wife can atest to that. My brain is constantly going and so I have about 50 things I'm constantly thinking of and so when others can't keep up, it just frustrates me. I swear to god, I don't want to be like this. I hate myself, I don't want to constantly snap at people and get so frustrated I start crying because of a bad round on COD, but it's what happens. I didn't want to keep hurting people, though, so I started to isolate myself around, I think, August. I think this is also when my posts started to be less and less fun. I made less and less tweets, I wouldn't just chat with people, because I was so scared of being awful.

On top of this all, I started to notice a pattern in my comment section. Now, I will likely talk about my feelings on this in a separate post, but I really think reading comprehension has taken a decline. I'm sympathetic to it, I am, but I believe it whole-heartedly has. I noticed that, in certain fics, Alejandro would be severely demonized in ways that Ghost was exempt from. Soap would have allowances made for things that Roach would be torn apart for. I would explicitly state that none of my characters are EVER reliable because I approach fics from a place of "realism" (meant in the way that the realism art style is meant), where I want to be hyper-realistic with the way they approach things. This meant that they often didn't have all of the facts.

So, to see people jump to ripping Alejandro and Roach to shreds for the smallest things, or ignore what I was attempting to use for Soap's character development and dismiss everything he does wrong made writing unfun. I stopped writing Soap as a main character and switched to Roach, even stopped including Soap at all in most fics. Old Habits Die Hard was actually going to end with Ghost "meeting" Roach, again, and reconciling with Soap through Roach and I just didn't want to. I really just didn't.

I stopped giving Alejandro any trait that wasn't purely being a simp because if I didn't, everything he did was immediately demonized.

I don't know if it was noticed, because I know it's not big enough to be noticed, but I also stopped replying to most comments because I had to just stop reading them. Thank you to everyone who still continued to comment on my fics, I really do love you guys.

Also, I started to get really frustrated with the COD fandom in general. The rampant MLM fetishization (I mean that word with my entire chest), covert sexism, EXPLICIT sexism, among other issues started to get to me. Something that I never would have guessed in a million years would make me feel dread was opening up about my SEXUAL PREFERENCES. I am a bottom. I have never felt shame or nervousness out of sharing this, despite jokes, because it's just a sexual preference. I'm versatile between Dom and Sub pretty split down the middle, but I am mostly a bottom when I can be. The way that bottoms get treated in fandom culture makes me nauseous and COD was no exception. I'm open to trying to have a conversation about the nuances of sexual preference, but for now I'm going to move on. It's such a stupid issue, too, because I shouldn't have to be explaining why making characters bottoms just to oversexualize/feminize them is fucking weird, but here I am.

So, that pushed me further and further into troubles posting. At some point, I get so sick of Tiktok that I delete it, and I fully stop attempting to read fics on AO3. (Unrelated but still relevant.)

I have more and more friend issues, my family issues get even worse, and then we reach September/November (a bit of a twofer.) By this point, I am exhausted. The one thing that had been keeping me going was headcanon asks, and those just stop. All of my requests for them receive nothing (I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE), my non-writing posts just get nothing so I didn't have those for a quick hit of dopamine, and I think this is honestly where I crashed on fandom stuff.

I didn't want to keep writing. I'll admit that. I was done. I started to drop fics even more, I started to post them and then I would delete them, I would send myself asks for things I really wanted to write or had already written and then would just never answer the ask, among other things. On top of all of this, everything just started to feel meaningless. My delusions came back, full force, but without the energy to do anything. Nothing I wrote seemed to matter. My life lost all meaning that I still have not managed to get back.

In my personal life, a family member that I have been very close with since I was a baby revealed themselves to be homophobic. I raised their daughter, she used to call me mom, and now I am not allowed to see her. Baby fever hit me hard, too, and it made me realize that I do want a child, I desperately want a child, but I cannot have one. I'm infertile, for one, and so not mentally capable. So, infertility trauma that I had been forcing myself not to confront slammed directly into me. I became so depressed that I think I considered suicide as an option once a day at a point. I attempted multiple times. My self harm addiction spiralled out of control, too, and I'm slowly getting a handle on it, again. But... I think it's safe to say I became miserable.

I don't even remember December. I don't remember any of it. However, I do know that around that point, a severe brain fog set in. There are few ways to clear it, but it feels like my brain is constantly swimming in a vat of acid. It doesn't hurt but it's hard to see, it's hard to think. My best friend can attribute to this, as he was the first one to point out the difference. If my VODs from Twitch were still available, you can HEAR a difference. Before the brain fog, I had no problem articulating myself. Now, I have to pause every five seconds to regather my thoughts. I have never ever known what brain silence feels like, until now, because my brain is constantly going empty and I just can't fucking think. I am also barely sleeping and eating EVEN LESS than I was before, due to financial struggles. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated so easy.

My bsf also has pointed out to me, multiple times, that I will start a sentence and just lose it halfway through. I have started rants with one topic in mind and end up on a completely different topic because I will crash and reboot halfway through. I will cry for no reason, or struggle to cry when I should. I don't know what has happened, but it's scary as hell. I can't go out in public, alone, anymore, because I will get disoriented and start to wander off, or I just will blank out when people are talking to me. My wife has had conversations with me where I just go dead silent mid sentence and then continue again.

This is the main reason I have not been posting, lately.

So, early in January, I decided to pivot to my books. I want to publish and make writing a career, so I decided this is the year to try. Granted, it's not working out very well. I'd love to keep writing fanfiction and I think I'm going to try to restructure into something smaller and a bit less of a strain on me.

I am working on another fic that I don't plan to post until I'm done with it, which is for Alerudy, that I've been very slowly chipping at. As I said, I'm actively writing the next chapter for Slasher Fieldtrip, and I plan to eventually pop out another set of chapters for Grace and Patience.

But I am so tired. I am so exhausted. Neither of us owe each other anything. You don't owe me attention, you do not owe me patience. I do not owe you writing and I do not owe you effort. But I would like to ask for patience if I can give you effort. I don't want you guys to feel pity for me, I'm not asking for that. I am just asking you guys to keep in mind that I am a person and to believe me when I tell you guys that I am going through hell right now. I've said it before that COD cannot be the safe place for me that it is for others, but I still would like this account to be, at least.

I'm sorry that I can't keep living up to the expectations that I set back in December of 2022. Trust me, I look at everything I was doing and I want to scream and cry because I so badly wish I could go back to that. I'm so sorry for that.

If I go weeks without updating, it's because I don't know what day it is, let alone when I'm supposed to post. If I drop a fic out of nowhere, it's because the strain of writing it was more than I could handle.

52 Letters To Simon Riley is a severe angst piece, its handling grief and issues I wasn't even aware I was hiding from. It's heavy and I was irresponsible for thinking it wasn't, and I'm sorry. I want to keep writing it, I have so many ideas, but I also worry about them. I'd like to pivot a focus onto Ghost and Dean, I want to do more with Gaz, but I worry that's not what people want to read.

I have privated it, in a private collective, for now. I will un-private it when I feel like I can go back to investing in a semi-regular posting schedule for it.

I know this post may come across as whining and I'm sorry for that, too. I don't want any of you to think I'm whining or blaming anyone. There are specific people who have contributed to my issues, but they were not doing it, intentionally, and so I blame no one. I do plan to one day return to therapy but I can hardly afford to eat right now, let alone pay for a therapist.

In the meantime, I want to talk more about my books and I want to show more of my art and just try to be a bit more multi-faceted in what I post. I'm still very much into COD, and I will try to post more silly/fun things that aren't necessarily writing for it. Headcanons, tweets, chats, etc.

Thank you for reading through last year. The experience that I've gained from writing over 1.5 million words has been so invaluable. It has made me feel genuinely qualified to write a book, now.

Thank you.

#bunnie speaks

[witcher-and-his-bard]

cw chronic pain/illness, financial issues

earlier this year (May-ish, I think) I decided to talk to my dr about all my weird pains. shockingly, it turns out people aren't actually in pain all the time and that's just me. since then, I've been working with her and now a specialist to find a diagnosis. the most likely culprit is fibromyalgia, but my dr thinks it could be some type of arthritis also.

I had to take medical leave from work in July because I was no longer able to stand for more than a few hours without pain, and since have had no income. I left work July 7 and started the process to claim medical benefits July 20th. I got a letter at the beginning of October that essentially said I needed to give them another document. I had just filled it in and faxed it over a couple of days prior, but the dates confirmed work had this info for a week before contacting me. In the last week I've been told they would call. They didn't so I called them. Then I was told I'd get an email saying whether it was approved or declined. I got an email saying they need to phone me.

My roommate has been incredibly supportive and understanding, but we're both pretty close to the end of our patience. I've sent a post around with my ko-fi a couple of times and people have been so generous (thank you for the groceries!) but I feel like a burden and a pain.

My phone is about to get cut off, I have no idea how I'm going to pay my credit card bills from now on, and I'm relying entirely on my roommate to keep me and my cat alive until I can figure some of this shit out, but not having even a date is so stressful. I'm sick of having to ask for help, even if I need it and it's no fault of my own that I'm in this situation. I feel like shit and worse than useless, but my only option is to quit my job so I can apply for government funding (but who knows how long that will take and it's only up to 15 months).

I just want to scream or cry or both. All I want to do is survive and the insurance people/government are like lol nope!

I have more costs because of this than I did before, with meds and potential trips out of town for dr appointments, and I've never had less money in my life.

I don't want to ask because I feel so greedy continually asking for money, but I'll link my ko-fi if anyone feels so inclined.

Thank you again to everyone who has offered support already, financially or emotionally, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you 💜

https://ko-fi.com/xxenjoy

#chronic illness #chronic pain #rex rambles #financial issues #tldr; fuck me i guess 🙃

[whilereadingandwalking]

What am I up to, you ask? Well, it’s a busy autumn.

Wrapping up the editing of a full print magazine

Trying out a new medication that will hopefully still help my anxiety but also help my fibromyalgia

Participating in three panels and volunteering at ChiCon8, this year’s world science fiction convention at which the Hugo Awards are announced (and yes, I’ll be in attendance!)

Preparing & saving for my epic trip to Buenos Aires & Argentinian Patagonia in October

Trying to finish writing a huge stack of Vote Forward letters before I go abroad

My usual journaling and reading-while-walking about

Reading for Booklist and for my next books-in-translation piece for Book Riot

Writing a feature-length piece for Book Riot for which I got to interview a civil rights activist and protestor

Rooting for the Chicago Sky to get a repeat title

Trying to do enough stretching and yoga to keep my body from falling to pieces now and/or during my hikes in Argentina

Reminding myself to breathe!

#reading and walking #bookstagram #meet the blogger #about me #book lover #bookworm

[skylarkblue]

who wants to hear about my doctor’s appointment?

bad luck y’all are on tumblr you get to hear about it anyway

so.

the new doctor did take me seriously. this was a bonus.

he read the notes i had written about my symptoms, read the letter from the geneticist, read my blood test results, read my file.

said, “have you heard of chronic fatigue syndrome?”

yes, i said.

“right. you have that.”

cool. that’s not what i’m here for. please give me your thoughts on my joint pain.

“it’s....probably fibromyalgia. i would say it is fibromyalgia. but i’m going to refer you to a specialist to be sure.”

so i got a referral to the rheumatologist three hours away in sydney, because my dumbass country town has no specialists to speak of, and it’s a three month wait. it will also cost close to four hundred dollars. but this is A Start. this might be something.

my referral basically says “skylark has long-term extensive joint pain and fatigue with no specific symptoms beyond hypermobility and elevated inflammation markers. please give me your thoughts?”

he did tell me if it’s fibromyalgia and CFS there’s not much more to do than symptom management, but hey, symptom management would be a step above what i’m currently getting, which is nothing.

he also told me i need to lose thirty kilograms (70lbs for my american followers) but due to my joint instability, i need to do it without exercise. he told me to avoid fatty red meats and carbs and eat lean meats like chicken breast, pork, and fish, as well as nuts and fruit.

and i was like, my dude, that’s my whole diet.

believe it or not, I am 120kg and do know how to eat healthy. i am aware of the concept of healthy eating, and i know what works for my body. i don’t eat outside of meals, and if i do it’s limited to a small piece of chocolate or a handful of chips. i had an eating disorder for many years. the somewhat healthy relationship i have developed with food took a lot of work. i am fat. this is not a crime.

i explained to him i did used to be thin, and this was changed by me being put on antipsychotics. he was pleased i was on different, less weight-inducing antipsychotics now, but still thinks i should somehow magically drop thirty kilos without exercise.

i’m glad he’s taking my pain seriously, but the weight comment irked me.

#skylark prive #weight loss-related talk under the cut #before you say anything yes i Am Aware being fat puts more strain on my joints but it is NOT what is causing my pain #fibromyalgia #ehlers danlos syndrome #i'm still tagging it with that bc we have not ruled that out

[thessalian]

Thess vs Medical Verdicts

So, doctor verdict!

According to my serology tests, whatever gluten intolerance I have is not coeliac. Which is honestly good because who wants to have an autoimmune disorder, am I right? I asked the GP what it might be if it’s not coeliac and apparently it’s either intolerance to the gluten protein or to wheat carbohydrate in specific. I’d honestly like to figure out which it is if only because I really like barley in soup and stuff, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. Better to just stick to the gluten-free diet, leave it at “gluten intolerance” and avoid gluten as much as possible because while I’m glad it’s not autoimmune, doesn’t change the fact that I suffer if I eat most gluten-containing things.

(Though maybe I could try soup with barley in it, so long as it hasn’t got wheat as a thickener, and see if that makes me ill. But maybe some other time.)

My vitamin D levels, on the other hand ... yeaaaaaaah those are still low. So I’m getting yet another loading dose of vitamin D thrown at me, and then I have to have more blood tests for calcium and parathyroid of all things, since they’re trying to figure out why I’m vitamin D deficient. I think it probably has something to do with lactose intolerance and the fact that even if I did go outside much, both those tests were done in winter when there’s maybe seven hours of daylight anyway. GP doesn’t sound overly worried but does say I should probably start taking over-the-counter supplements once I’m finished the loading dose. Yay.

I did have an amusing bit of aside with the GP when he was trying to explain to me what parathyroid meant in really simple terms and I was like, “Don’t worry about it; I’ve been a medical secretary for 25 years”. So now this one knows he doesn’t have to worry too much about his terminology with me. It’s a thing I keep having to tell doctors when I see them, just because I can hear them trying so hard to put things into simple terms while also not panicking anybody and I’m sitting here like, “no, seriously, I have typed so many letters about this, I get it, it’s fine”.

So there we go, a couple of answers and a few more questions but overall we can stick with the idea that my digestive system doesn’t like it when I go off a gluten-free diet,and it’s probably worse now than it used to be because IBS comes with the fibromyalgia bumper pack so yeah, seriously, stay away from gluten but at least I don’t have an autoimmune problem. Like I say, not exactly worried about parathyroid issues; just a lactose intolerance and British winter plus not really going outside much means I have some issues getting sufficient vitamin D and should keep an eye on that.

I was considering going out today but on balance I think not; I have a significant case of the aches after yesterday and I need to save a few spoons because Mother’s Day is coming up (19th March here; thirty years and I’m still struggling because of the difference between North American Mother’s Day and when we celebrate it here) and I wanted to make my mother some home-made caramels or maybe maple sugar candy, and at least get her a card. She doesn’t want me spending a lot of money on her, especially in the current climate, so I’ll give of time and spoons instead. Also means I break out the candy thermometer, which needs some use.

#Thess has health issues

[genericfangirlnumber4]

On this day 10 years ago (at age 16) I got in a big fight with my dad’s household about how I wasn’t growing up fast enough and I needed to figure out my future already. As an adult, I can’t help but think about what a disservice this was to me. A 16 year old is still a kid. I wasn’t out there doing drugs or spending lots of money or partying or getting knocked up, in fact I was getting better grades at the time than I had been getting the year prior, finally had friends, and had joined a couple of school clubs. I was finally drawing things that weren’t depressing again, I was visibly improving my health, and I was even helping out with the family business. But none of it was good enough because I hadn’t been applying to any colleges and wasn’t seeking part-time work and didn’t feel a need to do more chores than the adults in the house (Why should I do dishes if Adult 2 won’t even get off his ass to put his dishes in the sink? Why should I clean the litterboxes for cats I didn’t ask for if nobody is going to teach me and Adult 3 only does it once a week?).

What this pressure did, what this fight did, was not to help me along the path to adulthood, but instead pushed me further into the depression I was supposed to be improving from, and became one of the echos I heard in my head when I struggled (especially after having to quit college twice). What it did was make me feel I couldn’t ask them for help on those necessary tasks (how do I apply to a college? how do I write a resume? what is a cover letter?) because I had, in their eyes, already failed them anyway. What it did was convince me to return to anorexic/restrictive eating behavior because I clearly wasn’t earning my food, and I only ate when I was being observed because I knew not eating would be seen as another reason to get mad at me. What it did was make me feel this way constantly for years until they kicked me out at 19.

Now at 26, I still haven’t finished college, like I said I quit, twice. But I didn’t fall into debt, and despite my many mistakes along the way, I am now living with my fiancee, and I have a job that allows me to pay our bills while she goes part-time and focuses on her wellness and her art.

That household still seems to think that providing a roof and some food makes them saints, even though the cost of those things was torture, degradation, and being made to feel like an unwelcome burden as a child in my own father’s home, and being insulted for not taking it with a smile. That household still tries to make it out like I was the villain because I didn’t praise them every day and spent much of my time in my room when I was home, and said room wasn’t cleaner than the rest of their house.

But I’m free of them, and I won’t be inviting any but my father from that household to my wedding.

Oh and did I mention 19 is also when I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and depression and when I told the doctor how long it’d taken to find that diagnosis she was pissed off? Because I started experiencing fibromyalgia symptoms at 15/16ish and had CLEARLY had depression issues from the ALARMINGLY low age of 6? Imagine hearing that about someone in your care and instead of apologizing for never being mindful of their symptoms, you kick them out for not getting a job outside of their abilities fast enough while they’re also trying to go through community college.

[seven-oomen]

Getting the letter back from the reumatologist just made me more confused and perhaps a little furious.

Because it's like; you score more than enough on all aspects to be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, including the tenderpoints. And we have excluded all the other possibilities within reumatology or autoimmune disease.

But hey, I won't diagnose you because you also have ptsd and your symptoms are likely from that so good luck and I won't explain anything so it's gonna make you feel like you're insane and you're making it all up.

At this point, post hysto, and in more pain than I started with, I am just angry and bitter, and kinda done with doctors for a while. I didn't even want pain meds you cunt, I just wanted validation and a diagnosis.

#ben says stuff #spoonie life #chronic pain #chronically ill #actually disabled