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fymagnificentwomcn · 4 years

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Why do people think Kösem mistreated or was mean to Turhan and Mehmed? I've never read that anywhere in a book, but it's so famous around internet that it's ridiculous.

<DISCLAIMER> Here I need to put a small disclaimer because while answering the question, I truly decided to share some interesting bits about Kösem vs Turhan and in the end it turned into some mini-essay heh. It was definitely a really complex matter and the myth of evil old hag who snatched unlawfully power from her angelic daughter-in-law and then began persecuting her because she was not obedient enough culminating in Turhan having no choice but to kill her mom-in-law and then become best (but absolutely not interested in power) Valide ever is just... not true.<END OF DISCLAIMER>

*******

Same.

I mean, we can bet that when later the rivalry between the two ladies was in full force, they were sometimes rude to each other, but I doubt they would have done it in public for people to note and record, and even that could be filtered out. Harem was truly a closed-off space and this is why we get most of quotes by Sultanas from their letters or if they act in political capacity, like Kösem’s speech to the pashas from the Divan. And yes you can find all sort of rumours cited in books, but I haven’t seen anything like that with legitimate sources provided.

This is also why we have so many different accounts of Kösem’s assassination, often very conflicting, and sometimes even completely internally incoherent and illogical.

And for example we have an account by Derviş Abdullah, who so wanted to avod placing blame on any of the Valides, that he put all blame of Süleyman Agha going from one Valide to another, with each telling lies about the other to incite them to act against each other. But why would the agha want to create showdown between two sultanas? In this case he was an easy scapegoat because he was present as the participant in brutal treatment of Kösem in most accounts. And both Sultanas surely actively participated in the conflict.

As I said, Turhan was very good at propaganda. She really put a lot of focus to keep a good image, especially an image as a lady who was not so much involved in politics and doing it legally, so she placed far more attention to make it seem like Mehmed was ruling, not her, during her regency. She also relied more on statesmen’s advice than Kösem because she was less experienced, and, as Halil İnalcık puts it, less talented than her mother-in-law. And when she gave her power to Köprülü (who was however her man through and through) she created that image of a woman giving up her power willingly. Sakaoğlu states plainly that those historians who criticised Kösem so much were exactly the ones who praised Turhan a lot and stresses how such historians desribed Turhan as having “no political aspirations” as opposed to her mother-in-law. “No political aspirations immediately meant “charitable lady with golden heart, religious and loved by all”. Turhan continued to create her image even when Köprülü began taking radical actions to maintain order:

The year 1656 is, nevertheless, an appropriate date at which to conclude a study of the political role of dynastic women in this period, for henceforth the emphasis in Turhan Sultan’s role as valide sultan would be altered. As her overt political involvement lessened, her ceremonial and philanthropic roles increased considerably. Indeed, the appointment of Köprülü Mehmed Pasha seems to have initiated a period of intense ceremonial aggrandizement of the dynasty. It was shortly after his appointment that Turhan undertook the construction of the Çanakkale fortresses and her great mosque—both reportedly at the grand vezir’s urging. The elaborate royal progresses between Edirne and Istanbul and to Bursa and other areas near the capital also date from this period. Mehmed IV, who in the forty-five years of his reign displayed little interest in the government of his empire, nevertheless campaigned a number of times as a figurehead ghazi under Köprülü Mehmed Pasha’s successors. It may be that these royal rituals were planned by Köprülü Mehmed Pasha, or Turhan Sultan, or both, in order to divert attention from continuing crises and the severe and bloody solutions imposed by the grand vezir. With political power and military leadership delegated to the grand vezir, the most useful function that the sovereign might perform was to furnish visible symbols of majesty and piety to maintain the subjects’ loyalty and sense of community.

Source: Leslie Peirce, The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire

Peirce also said that Turhan was a sultana who was very concerned with “custom and propriety”.

Sakaoğlu also concludes his citation of Evliya Çelebi’’s account mentioning [short summary & parapharase of that account by me:] how Turhan and Meleki found a way to kill Kösem and then they killed many other people after that and then mentioning also alleged mismanagement by both that brought about Cinar incidents in with the following comment: “This historical account tells us that she [Turhan] had a character far removed from some of her descriptions on other sources and the only ting that saved her from a fate worse than Kösem Sultan’s was luck and her son”. Sakaoğlu also wrote a whole article on how male historians tried to villify the most powerful woman in Ottoman history entitled precisely that (Turkish title of the article: Erkek tarihçiler Osmanlı tarihinin en güçlü kadınını nasıl kurban etti? How did male historians villify the most powerful woman in Ottoman history?)

Peirce mentions about Meleki that:.

Kösem was murdered in a palace coup led by Turhan’s chief black eunuch. Meleki became the new valide sultan’s loyal and favored retainer. She was eventually manumitted and married to Şaban Khalife, a former page in the palace training school. The couple established residence in Istanbul, where, as a team, they were ideally suited to act as channels of information and intercessors on behalf of individuals with petitions for the palace. Şaban received male petitioners, Meleki female petitioners; Şaban exploited contacts he had formed while serving within the palace, while Meleki exploited her relationship with Turhan Sultan. The political influence of the couple grew to such a point that they lost their lives in 1656 when troops stationed in Istanbul rebelled against alleged abuses in government.

Source: Leslie Peirce, The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire

Curiously, some people truly believe in some myth it all immediately became good after Kösem was killed. Evliya’s account is not the only one actually that mentions Meleki and Turhan being good friends even during Kösem’s lifetime, so maybe the “betrayal” wasn’t actually betrayal even if Meleki was formally Kösem’s slave/servant. Maybe the story of Meleki warning Turhan was invented. We will never know.

Turhan was truly careful to cut herself from controversial decisions and whatever the Grand Vizier was doing, but as Leslie Peirce puts it, she undoubtedly had influence on Köprülü and if she hadn’t liked what he was doing, she would have definitely had a way to end it.

Turhan saw what problems her mother-in-law encountered, so was careful to hide her interest in politics (which again does not mean she had none). But when she gave up power it was a necessity - chaos persisted and persisted after Kösem’s death, there was no Grand Vizier who could stay for longer, and last rebellion was bloody and very dangerous to both Turhan and her son. Turhan realised she would not be able to handle it and in the end made a correct decision because that was a necessary step at that point.

According to Naima, nothing came of these efforts because no one was strong enough to enforce the necessary reforms; the would-be reformer Tarhuncu was brought down by the discontent of influential persons injured by his attempts to economize.The year-and-a-half-long grand vezirate of Derviş Mehmed Pasha in 1653 and 1654 was a respite of relative solvency and harmony, but after his death matters once again began to deteriorate. The integrity of the throne was increasingly threatened both internally by rebellious pashas and externally by Venetian advances in the war over the island of Crete, as well as by chronic fiscal shortages now exacerbated by the costs of mounting campaigns against these internal and external enemies. A serious uprising of the troops in March 1656 that resulted in the execution of many palace officials demonstrated the urgent need for a political solution. It was found six months later when Turhan Sultan appointed the elderly Köprülü Mehmed Pasha grand vezir.

Source: Leslie Peirce, The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire

Sakaoğlu descirbes this event in the following word “the financial and political management were responsibilities that Turhan Sultan and her son Mehmed IV could no longer attempt to rescue and operate, so they handed over the management to Köprülü Mehmed Pasha and new era began for the Ottoman Empire”.

Which does not mean Kösem ruling in her own right was a bad decision either - Kösem was more talented in state matters and she knew she could handle stuff, especially during her second regency when she also had a lot of experience. Turhan realising she could not handle it and withdrawing also spoke well of her sense of responsibility, even though she was not as gifted in politics as Kösem.

Thus said, while Turhan did not have such gift for state matters, she was truly skilled in the act of PR & ceremony, which truly helped her a lot during her career and after her death.

Since she later skillfully cut herself off from blame concerning what was happening in politics, there was still one huge stain on her reputation, namely the way she took power from her mother-in-law.

Contemporary Ottoman chroniclers did not welcome the news of Kösem Sultan’s death and recorded it as an injustice committed against a woman of great accomplishments and stature, and as a harbinger of greater social disorder. The manner in which the older valide was disposed of and the subsequent chaos in the palace was recalled during the reign of Mehmed IV as a time of upheaval. Bobovi, so taken by the event, was able to recall more than a decade later the part of the palace where the old valide had been removed from her quarters for the last time.

Source: Lucienne Thys-Senocak, Ottoman Women Builders: The Architectural Patronage of Hadice Turhan Sultan

Murder of Valide Sultan was unheard of in Ottoman history. And what was a better way to justify it then by assassination attempt on the padişah himself? But how to explain why Kösem, known for her prudence and careful calculation, would have attempted such a risky move for no reason? Wouldn’t it have meant that Turhan, the lady of pure characters with no political aspirations, actually did desire power and wanted to take her from her mother-in-law?

Peirce comments that:

The bloodiest contest between competing mothers—the murder in 1651 of the formidable queen mother Kösem by the party of her daughter-in-law Turhan, who was impatient to take power—was reminiscent of past rebellions of princes against aging sultan fathers.

We know little about their relations when Turhan was just a haseki - we only know about conflicts between Turhan and Ibrahim. We similarly know next to nothing about relations between Kösem and Ibrahim’s concubines - the person she was definitely in conflict with was Şekerpare aka one of the people who encouraged Ibrahim’s spending and supported corruption in his court (do not confuse her with his consort Şivekar, historically they were two separate people, show put them together because of limited screentime). There are however some mentions of her, similarly like in the show, backing up Turhan in her conflict with Zarife. Peirce mentions Kösem groomed Turhan in the Imperial Harem and one of her articles. This is a mention of Kösem backing up Turhan in the Zarife conflict from Sakaoglu’s Famous Ottoman Women, though of course this whole Padre Ottomano story with illegitimate prince has so many versions and legends surrounding it and again this account sounds sensationalised in some details like Turhan seeing them in bed or Zarife being pregnant with Ibrahim’s child only then, though we know such situation with throwing Mehmed after a quarrel did take place.

Turhan was definitely the person who benefitted most from Ibrahim’s deposition - from relative obscurity she entered big politics as Valide Sultan. While Kösem got the job of a regent, her position was actually not as stable as woman with her own son - it all depended on statesmen and their whims. She was offered a job due to her experience as opposed to really young Turhan (she was only around twenty two) and as person who had already stabilised Empire when it had been on the brink after Osman’s deposition and Mustafa’s disastrous reign. It was not legally normalised in the Ottoman Empire for a mother to be automatically regent - in the past it was often Grand Vizier and when Süleyman left for campaigns, he always appointed his viziers and later his sons as his regents, not his mother or Hürrem. Mehmed III was the first one to appoint Safiye as regent when he was on campaign to Hungary. Later Halime and Handan were appropriately co-regent and regent de facto, but they did not have the naib-i-sultanat title like Kösem and later Turhan.

Judge Abdülaziz Efendi commented on this unprecedented occurrence in the following words:

It being an ancient custom that upon the accession of a new sultan the mother of the previous sultan remove to the Old Palace and thus give up her honored office, the elder valide requested permission to retire to a life of seclusion. But because the loving mother of the [new] sultan was still young and truly ignorant of the state of the world, it was thought that if she were in control of the government, there would result the possibility of harm to the welfare of the state. Therefore the elder valide was reappointed for a while longer to the duty of training and guardianship, and it was considered appropriate to renew the assignment of crown lands to the valide sultan.

Of course I can bet neither Kösem wanted to go to Old Palace nor Turhan was happy about not becoming regent, but it obviously had to look like this officially :) Peirce comments here that truly the position of Valide Sultan had become institutionalised by then for Abdülaziz to put it in these words because he was a well-known as opponent of Kösem.

After quoting the above,Thys-Senocak goes on to say:

By the time that Turhan Sultan was to take up the position of valide, Kösem Sultan was in her sixties, and she had been a valide since 1623, close to three decades. Upon the death of her husband, Sultan Ahmed I, she had been removed to the Old Palace for six years until her son Murad IV succeeded to the throne in 1623 and she returned to the Topkapı. When Murad died, she continued to serve as a valide for her son İbrahim. During these years Kösem had established a solid network of alliances within the court and among the Janissaries, who would support her if her power was threatened. In the unstable times that faced the Ottoman administration Kösem’s seniority and guidance were seen as essential by many in the palace. Her authority was not, however, welcomed by Turhan, who saw her place in the harem administration usurped by her mother-in-law.

Turhan was deprived neither her Valide Sultan title NOR status. Kumrular mentions she was nowhere near as powerless as some try to portray her. There is even evidence from Spanish ambassadors she participated in foreign politics, e.g. that she complained about ambassador Allegretti sent by Spain .She also moved to Kösem’s old Valide chambers.

Kösem’s rank as “Big Valide” was a new one, created especially to allow her to be regent. It was the only time this title was used in the Ottoman Empire.

Also the new Grand Vizier, Sofu Mehmed Pasha, was against the appointment of Kösem as a new regent because he hoped to get the position himself and as Peirce says also saw himself as “temporary ruler”. He was supported by Abdülaziz Efendi, and these two were the two statesmen Kosem addressed particularly in her famous speech because she was well aware they plotted against her together. Swedish ambassador Ralamb said the following about two first years after Ibrahim’s death: “the state experienced two good years. The valide sultan, an intelligent and smart person, ruled well and peacefully thanks to her natural talents and much experience”.

It is generally assumed by historians who assessed the whole conflict, like Kumrular or Peirce, that Turhan was the one who initiated the rivalry. From the start, she tried to undermine Kösem’s rule, thus also making it difficult for her to stabilise Empire and Kösem was actually doing a good job with it. Her first decision was to remove corrupt harem aghas, who participated in mismanagement and mayhem of Ibrahim’s reign, but Turhan used this opportunity to lure them to her side and made them her supporters, which as Valide Sultan was not a difficult task. In her speech dimissing the aghas according to the account by Derviş Abdullah, Kösem apparently accused them of having schemed against her which resulted in her exile and then said that thanks to their corrupting influence “light of my eyes, Sultan Ibrahim, became a martyr, crying loudly. Do you intend to bring similar fate to Sultan Mehmed?”

Turhan also worked hard to lure as many statesmen as possible to her side by showing herself as morally superior to her mother-in-law, which again was quite easy considering she was up against a woman with so many years of experience on political scene. She especially used Ibrahim’s deposition for this purpose. According to Rycaut, she sent letters to statesmen describing herself as poor grieving widow with an orphan who hopes to see those responsible for his father’s death punished.. obviously she meant Kösem among them. She often incited anger following Ibrahim’s deposition and rebellions, which again made it difficult to restore peace after Ibrahim’s reign. And please - relations between her and Ibrahim were so bad & she was so sidelined by him during his reign compared to his other women, it is hard to believe she was truly in any grief. Sakaoğlu mentions three “strikes of luck” for her - Ibrahim’s death, Kösem’s death and surviving Cinar incidents of 1656). Rycaut ends his description of the “throwing Mehmed” incident with the following words: “All these matters served for farther fuel to nourish the implacable Spirit of the Queen [Turhan]”.

This tactic was also shown in the show – after pushing for Ibrahim’s death during the coup&making it bloody, she continued to incite riots to force the Şeyhülislam and others to demand Ibrahim’s execution, then made Mehmed sign his dad’s death order. For once, she seemed to acknowledge Kösem’s rank and didn’t do anything behind her back because she was well aware that Kösem, a seasoned politician, would realise that there was no way Ibrahim could survive this and decide to carry out the sentence herself being justifiably scared what might happen if he got into Turhan’s and her supporters’ hands or other angry people as she saw what had happened to Osman. Then Turhan could carefully remove herself from the scene and depict Kösem as Ibrahim’s murderer, while conveniently forgetting everything she had done from first episode she was in to have him dethroned and killed (when she told Haçı: “How any padisahs have you killed?” GIRL….) Plus, she knew the whole situation of Kösem carrying out the execution would fuck up Kösem mentally and make her an easier opponent for further fight...After all, following Ibrahim’s death she happily announced “Ibrahim is dead, now time for Kösem”.

Shortly before Kösem’s assassination there was still rebellion of sipahis incited by Turhan. Rycaut mentions she wrote to them about her husband’s death and how those who had caused it (implied Kösem and janissaries) disrespected her son’s authority and would soon bring similar end to sipahis and eradicate them forever. The rebels also mentioned Ibrahim’s name & demanded his killers punished during these riots in 1651 (!).

What happened next, we will never know for sure. Kösem was definitely a woman of action&it’s likely she had to take into account steps like dethroning Mehmed or getting rid of Turhan. Apparently, Turhan was afraid about Süleyman being put in Mehmed’s place for some time. What we know for sure she planned for eliminating four of Turhan’s allies.

Did she try to kill Mehmed? We will never know, but it spreading such rumours would definitely make it easier for Turhan to rally supporters.

Another example of Turhan’s strategic PR – she requested a fetva for Kösem’s execution, but after Kösem’s death dismissed the judge to cut off herself from his person and this decision&also to prevent punishment of people involved in the matter. Still, GV who carried out purges among Kösem’s allies was later dismissed for that and it’s hard to imagine Turhan had not been involved in the original decision for these purges. There is one account by Rycaut describing Turhan requesting fetva for Kösem’s execution in which the mufti was scared to make this sort of decision, while Turhan arranged a mob to come and demand justice “for their padisah”, and simultaneously Turhan hid behind a curtain to say to leave the woman (Kösem) in peace for the sake of the padişah her son and to stop slandering his grandmother’s name&involve the padisah in such matters The account goes to kinda sensationalised picture that there was a woman in crowd that Turhan pointed out as being Kösem and encouraged the mob to punish her, not the padisah’s mother, and then fell to her knees crying in front of her son, with Mehmed drying her tears with handkerchief, but this sounds definitely like sensationalised account to make the story more dramatic such as Rycaut’s mentions that Kösem was 80-year-old toothless old lady to stress her age (she was 60, chill)

Turhan was a very sly and PR-based sultana.

I’ve seen a theory (?) that Kösem was rude to Mehmed and Turhan because of her sassy speech to pashas (?). Firstly, one of the people to whom the speech was addressed earlier, Abdülaziz Efendi, had insulted MEHMED when during a Divan meeting Mehmed did attend (Kösem was there with him to instruct him, just as Turhan later) replied to Mehmed asking him about bribery among pashas: ’My dear, who taught you this?” Of course what they wanted was to express displeasure that in fact this woman was ruling them, not a padişah. And Kösem did mention the slight given to her grandson. After the “I’ve seen reigns” part the usually skipped later part is “Sometimes they attempt to kill me. When certain imperial commands have been issued, they have said [to the sultan], ‘my dear, who taught you to say these things?’ Such patronizing behavior towards sultans is impermissible! And what if the sultan is instructed?” [translation taken from Peirce]. Moreover, the same people were plotting against her and also tried to have her killed and she was very well aware of that, which is why she kept mentioning her death. The speech is not only sass, as Kumrular points out, Kösem also mentions that she is aware death might be near and is not scared of it and she’s also aware everything will go on following her death, no matter how important she was.

Kösem following Ibrahim’s death was shaken and just as shown in the show in fragile mental state that she did not resemble her old self in certain aspects – she was definitely more reliant on her trusted group of people mostly consisting of janissaries instead of co-operating closely with everyone unlike during her first regency (which was pointed out as serious mistake by Naima) and was more quarrelsome than ealier, but damn those people truly used her weaker mental condition for their purpose – like when she was crying in her room following Ibrahim’s execution, Abdülaziz Efendi (yes this bitch again) came to her and told her it was what she had been praying for in response to her “Whose curses and bad wishes reached him [Ibrahim]?”, which shook her mentally very much (Abdülaziz Efendi himself described this incident, so it’s hard to doubt its occurrence).

And in the end, while assessing the Kösem/Turhan conflict we must also take into account that this elderly woman who had been through a lot was automatically at disadvantage against young, seemingly innocent rising star, who in the end emerged as victor. And as Derviş Abdullah put it when talking about the matter “it’s easy to put all sort of blame on the deceased” (he used it when discussing all sorts of rumours & blame being assigned to Kösem following her death).

- Joanna

#turhan hatice sultan #turhan sultan #kosem sultan #kösem sultan #ottoman history #ottoman empire #answered #Anonymous #history #muhteşem yüzyıl kösem #historicalquotes

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redshift-13 · 3 years

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Adaptive Intelligence is a dramatic reappraisal and reframing of the concept of human intelligence. In a sweeping analysis, Robert J. Sternberg argues that we are using a fatally-flawed, outdated conception of intelligence; one which may promote technological advancement, but which has also accelerated climate change, pollution, the use of weaponry, and inequality. Instead of focusing on the narrow academic skills measured by standardized tests, societies should teach and assess adaptive intelligence, defined as the use of collective talent in service of the common good. This book describes why the outdated notion of intelligence persists, what adaptive intelligence is, and how it could lead humankind on a more positive path.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/adaptive-intelligence/3A004EE4E80B7B38EA6853FD59904093

Anything by Sternberg is worth reading, in my experience.

The above quote about the book gets at an insight that’s profound in its implications (probably more than we can possibly imagine), is relatively easy to summarize, but is among the hardest problems to solve: the human created world reflects human consciousness.

People lacking in wisdom will create a world that seems stupid and self-defeating and anti-human.

Low levels of creativity will create a routinized and dreary place.

Low levels of compassion and empathy will result in a world that’s harsh, merciless and painful.

Low levels of literacy mean that all human problems will be reproduced again and again.

Low levels of critical thinking result in a world of superstition, credulity, and constant self-defeating behavior. High levels (properly defined) would presumably result in a world in which decision making in general would be more tightly constrained to self and collective interest.

Low levels of historical literacy contribute to, among other things, an inability to objectify and possibly transcend the dysfunctional patterns of our existence.

Etc.

All of these and many more simple propositions about the nature of consciousness and the inferences for the world we can draw from it, belie great complexity.

Maybe the most obvious overall problem in terms of viewing the progressive transformation of the world through the transformation of the mind, and vice versa, is that mind and world exist in highly complex interrelationship. And, for anyone approaching this high-level, complex, systems problem, there are likely a range of competing theoretical approaches (environmental vs. developmental, e.g.) for understanding it, and there isn’t necessarily any agreement on the who, what, how and why’s of the human subject, the world, and their change.

But, you don’t have to have all of that figured out to realize that focused upgrades in human consciousness, like Sternberg’s theory of adaptive intelligence, are possible and that they’ll have positive consequences.

Among the most important vocations for progressives, it seems to me, are educational visionaries. Sternberg should be on their study list.

#adaptive intelligence #robert sternberg #intelligence #flexibility of mind #psychology #academic psychology #wisdom #creativity #consciousness #world transformation #social transformation #change #new books

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gentlemanmoney · 3 years

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Poor Vs Rich: 10 Mindset Habits To Develop Now

You've probably come to this article to learn about the differences between how rich and poor people think and act so that you can apply what you've learned to your own life. Right?

One thing is certain: it all starts with a positive attitude. If you want to be successful, you need to change your mindset.

A growth mindset is a recurring theme in the lives of successful people.

One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Dale Carnegie. "People who persisted in trying even when there seemed to be no hope have accomplished most of the world's important things."

Having a wealthy mindset is all about making progress and sticking it out until you reach your objectives. What would be the best place to begin? Understanding the difference between the rich and the poor.

Are you prepared to learn the distinctions between the two?

Let's get this party started!

The wealth disparity between the rich and the poor is widening.

If you spend any time on social media sites like Instagram or YouTube, you've almost certainly seen people documenting their lavish lifestyles.

For some people, the images are true. Others, on the other hand, are in debt, have bad credit, and have no savings.

The author of the highly popular and captivating book The Millionaire Next Door has spent decades studying millionaires. Are you aware of what he discovered?

The vast majority of millionaires live outside of Hollywood. The vast majority of millionaires live in your neighborhood, drive that used Toyota, and use an iPhone from five years ago. These multi-millionaires have a wealth of knowledge to impart.

They're entrepreneurs who have built empires from the ground up, women and men who have maintained their old lifestyles while amassing substantial wealth.

Keep in mind as you scroll in awe that true wealth is rarely flaunted. It's also one of the reasons they're becoming wealthier. They're accumulating assets rather than buying the latest gadgets. And there are a lot more than you might imagine. This is a significant difference between the rich and the poor.

What does it mean to think like a poor person?

On the other hand, a sizable portion of the population is trapped in a poverty mindset. This usually convinces people that their situation is unchangeable and that living paycheck to paycheck is the best they can hope for.

Being poor and living in poverty are difficult concepts to grasp. Our surroundings, exposure, and life experiences can all trap us in the cycle. However, by deciding to change your mindset, you can carve your way out.

A person with a negative mindset believes that life has thrown them unimaginable obstacles that they will never be able to overcome.

This person is oblivious to the fact that everyone goes through difficult times. On their way to where they are now, Oprah Winfrey and the late and great Kobe Bryant both faced major personal and professional challenges.

Instead, they had a wealth mindset, and we'll go over some of the traits that distinguish wealthy people from the rest below.

You Should Start Imitating These 10 Rich People Habits Right Now

Let's look at some rich mindset habits you can start practicing right now now that you know the difference between poor and rich mindsets.

1. Wealthy people are always forward-thinking.

Ask yourself this question before you begin: what is your vision?

Jonathan Swift was absolutely correct when he said, "Vision is the art of seeing what others cannot."

Do you have dreams and goals that you're constantly considering achieving? Is your vision bigger than you think you can achieve right now? Will what you see in the future affect your life, your family's life, or your community's life?

Set a goal for yourself to create a vision if all you see is where you are right now. Keep in mind that this isn't a one-and-done situation once you've completed it. Instead, it's a daily process in which your mind wonders what else might be possible.

2. Wealthy people stick to productive routines.

Netflix, YouTube, and TikTok have recently dominated the entertainment scene. Millions of hours are watched every day.

While it benefits them, it does not benefit you - and the wealthy are well aware of this. The vast majority of wealthy people do not waste their time every day watching mindless content for hours on end.

The wealthy, on the other hand, are methodical. They adhere to a set of guidelines. They also understand that you don't just decide to be a hard worker one day.

When we talk about routines, we don't just mean getting up at 5 a.m. every day. That is only a portion of the picture. Rather, we're discussing the overall environment that the wealthy create for themselves.

The company of the wealthy is carefully selected. They care about what they feed their minds. Rich people also put themselves in situations that increase their chances of success.

Routines are made up of all of these elements: time, environment, and habits. When you need to get some work done, do you work from your bed, for example? As a result, you'll probably get a lot less done. Having a dedicated workspace will enable you to achieve much more. When it's time to go to bed, put your phone away.

These habits appear to be simple at first glance, but they are anything but. Rich people are well aware of this and make it a point to stick to a set schedule.

3. Wealthy people are focused on achieving their goals.

Wait, didn't we just say that the wealthy have a set schedule? Yes, they are, but wealthier people place a higher value on results.

Routines aren't created by wealthy people for the sake of bragging rights. Nobody gets up at 5 a.m. just to Instagram about it.

No. Rich people have laser-like focus on their goals and will go to great lengths to achieve them.

Routines in and of themselves will improve your quality of life. They will, however, do nothing to assist your bank account. Results will be achieved through the use of routines and deliberate action.

So, how should you go about getting things done? It's a good idea to start with the end in mind. Once you have a clear idea of what you want to achieve, it will be much easier to work backwards and figure out how to get there!

Wealthy people are willing to admit when they don't understand something.

Have you ever sat through a conversation with someone who clearly has no idea what they're talking about but insists on talking about it anyway? It's completely ridiculous.

4. Admitting you don't know and asking thoughtful questions is preferable.

This is something that the wealthy are aware of, and they are constantly on the lookout for new information. If you're learning from a mentor, ask insightful questions. Learn about their issues, what they're trying to achieve, how they plan to achieve it, and what they've learned from previous experiences.

Rich people know that paying attention always pays off. They gather data on best practices, new opportunities, and potential challenges and solutions.

They employ this ability when learning, negotiating, exploring, networking, and almost any other human interaction!

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5. People who are wealthy do not have to work for a living.

That's right, you read it correctly. Rich people are willing to put forth the effort to learn. Poor people work for the sake of getting their next paycheck.

It's strewn about the place. People who are poor are forced to live paycheck to paycheck, barely getting by. Rich people, on the other hand, continue to improve their skills and abilities as they progress up the corporate ladder.

If you make money your end goal instead of growing in your talents and abilities to earn more money, you'll be stuck working for money. If you work hard to learn, you'll be well on your way to success.

For more information on personal finance you can visit our blog

Gentleman Money

#personal finance #finance #money

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strugglinghijabi · 6 years

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We Root for T’Challa, But Killmonger is Us

Photo: Disney/Marvel Studios

Well, I guess now we know what happens to a dream deferred. It turns into an unbearably beautiful and raging Michael B. Jordan. And to answer Brother Hughes’ age-old question, yes, it does explode.

Black Panther doesn’t just tell the superhero tale every black person has longed to see. It tells the reimagined truth of who we are and what we could become. And though the original Black Panther storyline was created by a white man, THIS telling of T’Challa, his homeland and his nemesis was borne, steeped and sifted through the particularities of the black American experience.

This story (of black excellence vs. black rage, both of which rightfully exist) could not have been told by anyone other than the displaced and misplaced descendants of stolen-away Africans. Because it perfectly melds the beauty of African pride with the harsh and violent sting of black American poverty. Poverty of wealth, poverty of culture and connection, poverty of the right and ability to know self. So much loss and trauma, yet so much power and potential still. That’s us, yall, through and through.

Think about it. The level of witnessed oppression that drove N’Jobu (Black Panther’s uncle) to defect, that is our every day. This man of royal blood and great power was broken down in a matter of years by the weight of a plight that we have carried for centuries. Despite our multilayered brokenness and destabilizing anger, our will and strength persist. To quote Mama Angelou, we are the dream and hope of the slave.

So even though we cheer heavy and root hard for our dear Black Panther, he is not us. He is but mere aspiration. The people of Wakanda, with their sparkling perfection, are what we look like in our dreams. They are the stuff of our fairy tales, the glossy posters on our walls, the come-to-life drawings we created as children. But be clear: Our reality, our closest mirror image on that screen, is the villain. Killmonger, with his angry fine self, more closely represents anything we could ever recognize in our lives. Because his rage, his “by any means necessary” ruthlessness, we know that. We know his loss, his abandonment, and that familiar sadness that pokes, jabs and slashes its way into rage.

But even with all their differences, with the dichotomy of good vs. bad, T’Challa and Killmonger are two sides of the same coin. As I watched the two of them fighting on the train tracks—cousins, both dressed as the Black Panther—I couldn’t help but notice the poetic completeness of it all. T’Challa represents self-actualization. He is the possibility of fullness. He is DuBois’s talented tenth, the realization of King’s dream and Malcolm’s fight. To paraphrase Langston Hughes,

His land is a land where Liberty

Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,

But opportunity is real and life is free.

Verily, equality is in the air he breathes.

Oh, what a time to be alive… if you are T’Challa. But Killmonger is the other side of that coin. He is T’Challa without the support, without the intact family unit, without the resources, without the privilege of being raised in an environment that poured into him. On the contrary, Killmonger’s environment took from him. Took his father, took his childhood innocence, took his culture, hope and happiness. He even says in the movie, “The world took everything away from me, everything I ever loved.” So yes, he is mad and raging, but why wouldn’t he be? His life bears none of the peaceful marks of freedom. He’s divided by DuBois’ double consciousness and was raised in the shadows of Dunbar’s mask. He is Hughes’ darker brother who was sent to the kitchen to eat. He is dreams deferred, potential untapped, and as T’Challa declares, “a monster of our own making.” So there can be no indictment of Killmonger’s pathology without first taking ownership of the pathology that created him. Killmonger is that cousin, that brother, that friend we all have who had an aint-shit upbringing and grew into an aint-shit man. And even though we hate to watch his life choices, we know why he is the way he is, so we love him still… and make room for him at every family function.

In truth, there is no T’Challa without N’Jadaka, son of N’Jobu. The peace and tranquility of Wakanda hinges on the devastation of Oakland, of Baltimore, of Chicago, of Ferguson. When King T’Chaka tells his son, “He [Killmonger] is the truth I chose to omit,” I read in that an admission of abandonment, not just of the young boy, but of everyone who could have benefited from their resources (i.e., us, black Americans). And so here we are in this gray space, rooting for ourselves and against ourselves at the same time. Wishing, hoping, imagining that we are the beautiful Wakandan Nakia, though if we are honest, we are much closer to Killmonger’s unnamed American mother. The illustrious James Baldwin said it best, “It comes as a great shock to discover that Gary Cooper killing off the Indians, when you were rooting for Gary Cooper, that the Indians were you.”

Sigh. So many levels in such a powerful film. The imagery, the history, the culture, the whole black aesthetic is something we’ve been aching for and I’m thankful to finally have it, but I can’t deny the parallels it forces us to face.

#black panther #t'challa #erik killmonger #wakanda #wakanda forever

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cbhunter494 · 3 years

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How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook

How to Lead: The definitive guide to effective leadership (4th ed.) by Jo Owen. Based on original research into some of the world’s best organisations, How to Lead cuts right through all the myths and mysteries to get straight to the heart of what it really takes to motivate, inspire and deliver results. How to Lead: The definitive guide to effective leadership - Kindle edition by Owen, Jo. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading How to Lead: The definitive guide to effective leadership. Jo Owen eBooks Epub and PDF format Jo Owen eBooks. How to Lead: What the best leaders know, do and say. Pearson Business, August 2012. [email protected] A unique and brilliant combination of authoritative guidance and stimulating and entertaining advice, How to Leadhelps you resolve some common challenges that every leader will face:. Why should anyone want to follow you as a leader?

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook Reader

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook Cover

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How To Lead Jo Owen Ebooks

The one-sentence summary

Successful leaders will take on risk, change and ambiguity.

WHAT THE BOOK SAYS

This book contains all the important stuff about leading well: motivating people, building networks, selling ideas, influencing people, giving feedback, evaluating people, and learning to be lucky

It takes you through the foundations, practice and mastering of leadership, and makes the point that leaders aren’t necessarily at the top of organisations

The main qualities fall into focusing on people,being positive, and being professional (that means having loyalty, honesty, reliability, solutions, and energy)

Leading from the middle involves finding your way through the matrix. Those who fall by the way are:

the expert (technically competent, but that’s all) cave dweller (territorial) politician (political) boy scout (naïve) autocrat (acts as though they already are a leader)

WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT IT

A survey of 1,000 leaders reveals the qualities they look for in emerging leaders:

adaptability, self-confidence, proactivity, reliability, and ambition

Luck is normally down to practice, persistence, and perspective

There are good quotes to be had here:

“ Many sins are forgivable, but disloyalty is not one of them.”

“An organisation full of Ghengis Khan wannabes is unlikely to be a happy place.”

“It is possible to learn leadership. If you know how to, you are well on the way to success.”

“The successful leader will take on risk, change and ambiguity.”

There is an interesting checklist of what people want from a good boss:

Shows an interest in my career

I trust them – they are honest with me

I know where we are going and how to get there

I am doing a worthwhile job

I am recognized for my contribution

WHAT YOU HAVE TO WATCH

Not much. This is a well-organised and thoughtful book on leadership

MORE DETAIL

A survey of 1,000 leaders reveals the qualities great leaders need: 3 Ps leading to a fourth:

·People focus

·Positivity

·Professionalism…leading to Performance.

He distinguishes between emerging leaders, leading from the middle, and those at the top.

Leadership foundations

Find the right boss; always deliver; no surprises; ditch the excuses; adapt your style; have an alternative; learn; do what is right; size the prize; understand costs and risks of decisions; follow strategy and values; build consensus; flip a coin – don’t hide, decide; motivate; set direction; communicate; fight the right battles

Towards leadership mastery

Start at the end; take responsibility; raise the bar; drive to action; act the part; keep on learning; set expectations; have a plan; shape your team; set your style; protect your territory; deliver results; craft an agenda

Ineffective leadership behaviours

Ego; no emotional quotient; focus solely on expertise; naïve about networks; hires weak clones; threatened by talent; poor delegation; problem focused; can’t do approach; retreats into comfort zone; political; keen on status.

I’ve been tasked with ‘learning to lead’ for the remaining weeks of this term, inamongst the other things I’m doing. To that end, I’m reading a range of books and articles, watching videos and generally trying to learn from the experts. 🙂

Looking on Amazon, there were lots of 5-star reviews for a book by Jo Owen entitled How to Lead: what you actually need to do to manage, lead and succeed. I’ve just finished the first chapter entitled ‘Focusing on People’ and it has lots of good ideas and advice crammed into it.

Here’s my notes and reflections on what I’ve read:

Leaders are made, not born

Owen says three principles underpin his book:

Everyone can lead

You can load the dice in your favour (but there’s no magic recipe)

You can learn to be a leader

Leadership is not about the position you are in but about the way you behave. Leaders need followers, otherwise they are not leaders! There is no particular intelligence requirement for leadership, but instead some core behaviours:

ability to motivate others

vision

honesty & integrity

decisiveness

ability to handly crises

‘Performance’ is not mentioned in the above, but naturally flows from them.

You don’t need to know it all

Some leaders suffer from ‘altitude sickness’ in that they can’t cope at a higher level when they’ve been successful further down the hierarchy. Sometimes this is due to a perception that you need to ‘have all the skills’ immediately. Instead, good leaders radiate self-confidence and build on their strengths whilst realising that learning is a lifelong process.

Despite being an author and consultant himself, Owen says that people learn from lived experience, not primarily from books, manuals and conferences. That being said, these can help you understand your experiences and build upon them.

Focusing on people

Good leaders focus on other people, not themselves. There are three major elements to this:

Decentring – knowing yourself and how you affect others

Influencing people – selling ideas to them

Managing upwards – influencing the boss

In order to deal with other people you need to know what makes them tick. Owen suggests trying to ascertain their Myers-Briggs personality type. Regular readers will remember that I wrote about such tests back in a post entitled “You can tell a lot about someone from what they’re like.” You don’t have to use the Myers-Briggs indicators – you can use your own such as ‘big picture’ vs. ‘detail’. Understanding what makes your colleagues, and especially your boss, tick helps you press the right buttons.

Selling ideas

In order to influence others, you need to focus on the third of three levels that are naturally used when you try and sell an idea or object to someone:

Features – the innate characteristics of the idea or object

Benefits – the features people want from the idea or object

Hopes & dreams – what can be achieved through the idea or object

By tapping into peoples’ hopes and dreams you can motivate and inspire them to action. Owen recommends reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, if you haven’t already. I listened to it as an audiobook a while back, but will be purchasing the book soon!

What makes people tick

Owen, rather pessimistically, asserts that fear, greed and idleness makes people tick. These can be seen as ‘influencing levers’. He gives some advice as to how you use these levers:

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook Reader

Fear – ‘de-risk’ ideas by, for example, running pilot projects.

Greed – be clear r.e. the WIFM? (What’s In It For Me?) factor. This has as much to do with recognition and status as money.

Idleness – find a way in which the idea supports the other person’ agenda. This will motivate them to action.

Owen gives some great advice taken from the world of sales. At the end of the meeting, give the person or group of people to whom you are pitching a choice between two positive ideas. It takes effort to reject the idea completely, so people will usually choose one of your two option, leading to success on your part!

The unforgivable sin

After interviewing 700 leaders, Owen came up with a list of the following traits that they are looking for in emergent leaders:

adaptability

self-confidence

proactivity

reliability

ambition

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook Cover

Most mistakes are rectifiable and forgivable, but the one unforgivable sin for them is disloyalty. As one put it, ‘Don’t outshine me, don’t outsmart me and don’t outflank me.’ Wise words indeed. :-p

Influencing the boss

Although you are not usually in control of who is your boss, you can still influence your relationship with them. Influencing your boss, says Owen, has three elements:

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebook Free

Finding the right boss (find a sponsor more senior to your immediate boss and make yourself useful to them)

Delivering the right results (a matter of style and substance – use the ‘style compass’ on your boss and what your ‘must-win’ battles are)

Having the right behaviours (you have to adapt to your bosses’ style as they won’t adapt to yours. Make sure they know what you’re good at, what your capacity is, and what your progress is)

Conclusion

How To Lead Jo Owen Ebooks

I enjoyed the first chapter of How to Lead– it was general enough to be applicable without being vague, and opened my eyes to strategies that could work well in my new position. 😀

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the-revisionist · 7 years

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Hi! Just to say, I LOVE your fics! Could you possibly write Things you said on New Year's Eve for Caroline and Gillian? If that's not a good one, then literally any of them will do I'm sure you'll write it perfectly! Thank you

Anon, hope you’re still reading…thank you for kind words and the prompt! Sorry this took longer than anticipated!

This is a companion piece to “Completely Undressed and Mostly Sober in the South of France.” @farminglesbian had suggested a continuation of that in some way and since she controls the Lesbian Empire on the European Continent in an Unspecified Rural Location Where They Are Inclined to Wear Lederhosen I must obey or I may never be allowed in Europe ever again.

This story is a bit of an exercise in style. For dialogue I did not use traditional quote marks. So, you know, it might work, it might not, it’s OK and you can say so, I’m a big girl and I have a lot of wine at the ready, but please don’t be a twat about it.

This one is post-series 4.

faithful misrepresentations

i. it’s time to get the brioches

At 5 a.m. on New Year’s Eve, she apologizes for not shaving her legs.

The morning, blue and black with jagged frost etched across a darkened windowpane, rests at the edge of Caroline’s mind. It’s so terrifyingly early that she doesn’t really want to know the time but cracks open a reluctant eye anyway; the bedroom’s digital clock coolly burns a 5:05 on the inside of her eyelids, the blunt serifs morph into an SOS and she thinks, good God, I am awake at 5 in the morning, this is what I get for sleeping with a farmer. Because Gillian stirs warm and restless against her, driven by the undeniable rhythm of blood that always has her racing against the sunrise and who, because she is apparently the master of not only the unwanted spontaneous confession but also the truly baffling nonsequitur, opts not to say good morning but rather randomly and needlessly apologizes for not shaving her legs before this, their trip to France.

Blind as a kitten, Caroline reaches for her and, half-asleep through a tangle of warm limbs, hones in on her calf; the soft hair tickles, the solid muscle undulates, the raspy glory of skin warms Caroline’s palm. There is a scar on this calf, invisible in the dark but vivid in her mind as a distinct but delicate comet tracing a pale horizon. It was, Gillian told her, caused by a jutting, broken spoke on a wheelbarrow.

That’s when I learned not to do farm work while wearing shorts, she had said.

Caroline replies to the apology by mumbling don’t mind into a pillow; sleepiness translates it into dun mime. She’s cresting the wave back into sleep when she realizes that Gillian is not moving, not rising out of bed with a stretch and a groan and a curse word. Which is odd, because Gillian likes routine. Every morning they’ve been here she’s up before the sun, making herself tea, reading for a bit, and then walking a mile to the village to fetch brioches from a baker amusedly tolerant of an Englishwoman who flirts with her grown son and insists on conversing in rusty French. By the time she returns the brioches are stone cold but she revives them in the oven, makes coffee, and wakes up Caroline by cannonballing onto the bed like a kid on holiday. Winter clings to her skin and clothes but her morning kiss is persistent and sweet and like waking into a warm, summery daydream and not a chilly old French farmhouse lacking proper heat.

She forces herself into a higher level of coherence, clears her throat, firms up a question: You’re not getting up?

Not yet, comes the reply.

In the dark she aims badly for Gillian’s forehead and gently smashes her palm against a nose.

Are you sick?

No. It’s just—we don’t have much time left. Here, I mean. Want to enjoy it.

They return home the day after tomorrow.

By staying in bed as long as possible, Gillian adds as needless clarification.

Under two blankets and a comforter movement is heavy and surreal, a sluggishly sensual underwater ballet. The blankets move as Gillian slides on top of her, exposing Caroline’s shoulder to a rousing chill, which is briefly warmed by Gillian’s mouth before moving along the inlet of the collarbone toward her breast. She spreads her legs, Gillian settles in between them and presses into her, and even though it’s all so new between them—so wonderfully new, she thinks, as Gillian traces the inside of her thigh—she identifies the variance in tempos and moods better now and knows this time will be slow and sweet and hopefully she won’t bang her skull against the quasi-antique headboard again.

You’re giving up brioches for me?

Nah. I’ll get ’em later. Just delaying gratification, as it were.

So—how delayed is gratification when all you’re doing is merely sublimating it with another pleasure?

Even though they can barely see one another in the porous dark, a bluish outline of morning light traces the contours of Gillian’s face and hair and Caroline can see a hitch of expression, a shift of lines as she smiles.

Shut up, you, she says.

ii. continental beauty

For one horrible aching moment—while wiping down a quartz countertop aged to such an extent that it looks as if it’s survived a hundred years of everyday bacchanals, and this is why housework is dangerous and housewives go mad, she thinks, it sets the mind loose to dwell on so much of life’s chaotic cruelty—Caroline realizes that she never had this opportunity with Kate, that is, a long romantic getaway and not just a mucky weekend at a nearby hotel. Even on that modest level she fucked it up nearly beyond repair. Even on vacation with her husband of eighteen years always she felt—she knew—she was a fraud, nothing but a character in one of his novels. Maybe it’s a sign; maybe it means something. Here in this farmhouse in the Rhone Valley hundreds of miles away from home, she waits for the shoe to fall into a dreaded Grand Canyon of unspecified anxiety.

They spent months not talking about what they needed to talk about. It was easy enough to blame a host of things for this: demanding work schedules involving obstreperous students and sheep, parenting thickheaded boys, coparenting a toddler with a knobhead whose taste in women was obviously on the decline, a bountiful supply of excellent wine from a beautiful young woman who simply would not go away, and complete, sheer cowardice. Acceptance of the status quo has always come easily to Caroline, particularly in this instance because she was getting good wine and properly laid on a regular basis—thus her mother’s interrogations and condemnations, her secretary’s prurient questions (“You have it off with Brokeback Shepherd yet?”), and generally everyone’s bewilderment and clumsy emotional tap-dancing around the subject were all easily ignored.

Then last month, during one of those boisterous family dinners where, as was not uncommon, Gillian looked at her in an indescribably aching way—followed by a self-chastising frown, slight shake of the head, and a protective hunch of her shoulders that seemingly closed off any possibility of rapprochement—Gary announced to all present that renovations to his vacation home in France were finally complete. During this interminable period he had gone from referring to the house as a chateau to deeming it a money pit. It was actually an eighteenth-century stone farmhouse, its interior now as rustically authentic as one envisioned by a nouveau riche entrepreneur from Yorkshire, and Caroline twitchingly recalled Gillian’s proposal earlier in the spring—that they would go there for a few days during the summer and work shit out. But summer ripened and withered away and the promise, representing everything that was seemingly lost between them, lingered bitterly.

After dinner Caroline stood in the doorway of Gillian’s kitchen observing their motley, contented family—Raff playing Legos with Calamity and Flora, Lawrence attempting to show his grandfather and Gary how to play Halo Wars 2 on an Xbox, and Celia, post-two glasses of wine, going on about the life of the theater to the clearly bored yet admirably patient Ellie. She felt Gillian’s presence at her side—churning and restless as a spoon stirring a pot, staring at her feet, then a lamp, then her son, and finally fixing that burning gaze of hers on the woman next to her while the back of her hand glided over Caroline’s knuckles, thus causing the latter to force out a surprising hybrid of a squeak and a gasp.

Let’s—let’s do it, she said. Come with me to France.

Five minutes later they were purchasing plane tickets on the mobile.

Five days into this trip she has learned many things about Gillian: she slavishly embraces routine whenever possible, she likes brioches, she’s reading Middlemarch for the third time now but Caroline cannot imagine why because she herself has never made it past page 50, she’s capable of lingering over a cup of tea and not gulping it down because she’s not running late or has a hundred things to do in a day, she thinks MI6 was involved in Princess Diana’s death, she’s takes no firm side in the great over vs. under toilet roll debate—don’t people have anything better to do than argue about toilet paper? she had said—

—and she is an admirer of great beauty because now she barrels through the door after tromping around the countryside for an hour and breathlessly announces, I’m in love.

Caroline imagines herself unseeded by either the baker’s handsome son or the buxom young woman who works the vineyard nearby, the latter spotted the other day during a wine-tasting tour and whose sumptuous cleavage was the focus of surreptitious glances from Gillian. After half a lifetime of stealthily admiring the physical beauty of women, Caroline knows these covert maneuvers when she sees them. Alas, all she has to counter these continental beauties are certain oral skills and her talent for making a certain orange-ginger biscuit that Gillian loves and who knows, perhaps that will save the day, perhaps even as sun perpetually sets on the English empire all that truly matters is cunnilingus, tea, and biscuits.

I’m confident of your ability to attract, she wants to tell Gillian. But not my ability to hold you.

But while hanging up her coat Gillian starts rambling about a ram, a sheep with a fancy French name. She saw him posing on a hillside, broodingly apart from the herd, a Heathcliff among sheep. His markings and coloring exquisite, his horns symmetrical, his poise exceptional—

Before Gillian can declare herself high priestess of this mythic creature’s cult, Caroline—dimly aware of the unseemliness of jealousy over a sheep—interrupts rudely: What’s it called again? A rum-ball merino?

Gillian rolls her eyes. Rambouillet, she says. She grabs a cup for tea. A Rambouillet merino.

Ripe for plucking, the word hangs in the air and Caroline ravenously seeks its source in a kiss. She holds Gillian’s lower lip gently between her teeth, tongue running the plush length of it, tasting salt and mystery because, frankly, women have always been unfathomable to her. Sweetly, wonderfully unfathomable. She starts to unbutton Gillian’s thick, lined plaid shirt—only to discover, underneath, a second plaid shirt thin and soft with age. At which she breaks off the kiss and bursts into laughter.

Jesus Christ, you’re like a flannel onion. Layers and layers.

It’s cold, in case you haven’t noticed, Gillian says—also laughing—as she sits the empty cup on the counter.

I’m trying to warm you up, Caroline replies as she sets in on the second flannel layer. In case you haven’t noticed.

Tossing her arms around Caroline’s neck and pulling her into another kiss, another embrace, Gillian says, I’ve noticed.

She doesn’t feel too distressed about fucking Gary’s sister on Gary’s distressed leather couch—burnished leather, she thinks he called it and the color was Churchill cigar—because there is an old blanket on it and as they fall onto it she doesn’t care about much at the moment except the wonderments and sensations of skin and taste, wondering if Gillian has ever called anyone else baby, Caroline can’t quite imagine that she has and would like to reserve that titular honor as her very own, wondering when the last time someone went down on her properly because her reaction and sheer enjoyment of it make Caroline feel like Aphrodite incarnate coming down from on high and she has to cling to Gillian as if she’s riding a rollercoaster by the skin of her teeth.

Afterward she’s sprawled on the couch wrapped in the comforter Gillian dragged out the bedroom, staring at the crisscross of the ceiling’s dark wood roof beams and with her head pillowed on Gillian’s bare thigh. With one flannel shirt back on, Gillian sits cross-legged while drinking one of Gary’s very pricey local Syrahs and pretending to read Middlemarch, pretending because she’s humming, which she usually does while absorbed in the comforting repetition of a task like washing dishes or mending a shirt or soothing a baby and in this instance the task at hand seems to be slowly, rhythmically running her fingers through Caroline’s hair. I like your—your hair, she had said the other day, shy and stammering and nervous after they made love, as if the gentle offering of a compliment would somehow be virulently rejected, and while Caroline loved the sweet awkwardness of it she hated the man who made Gillian terrified of revealing the slightest vulnerability.

She stares at the shadowed, foreboding ceiling beams, thinks that Gary should have picked a wood of a lighter color because the dark beams make her think of crucifixions.

Say it again, she says to Gillian.

What?

The name of the sheep.

Rambouillet.

Oh, she sighs, that’s lovely.

Unexpectedly Gillian drags her finger, damp and dribbling Syrah, across Caroline’s lips, as if soothing an infant with a taste of milk. You’re really weird, she says.

I’m not the one in love with a sheep, Caroline replies.

iii. the search for intelligent ovine life in the Rhone Valley

The afternoon winter sun, useless and pale, emanates as much heat as the moon. They are out in search of the great Rambouillet merino. Gillian insists she needs to get a better photo of the sheep so she can submit it to something called “Google sheep view” and Caroline, who is perfectly fine with not knowing what the hell that is, is nonetheless curious to know what the fuss is about and accompanies her. Leading the mission, Gillian stalks the dirt backroad that runs behind Gary’s farmhouse with her usual dogged, determined pace. She’s been in a bit of a mood since lunchtime and Caroline knows enough to let her be until she’s ready to talk; it’s likely, though, that she dreads the thought of returning home to the questions, the judgments, the expectations that will be laid at their feet.

She trails behind. Outside of the Yorkshire countryside she has navigated most of her life, her sense of direction is rubbish and she hasn’t a clue where they really are. She sighs and burrows deeper into her scarf. It’s the coldest day of the trip thus far. The stiff, expensive boots she purchased for the trip are pinching her toes and the too-high arches dig into her soles. In the distance she sees the vineyard that they visited days ago, the spherical red caps of the buildings distinct against the pale sky, and has a wince-inducing guilty thought about Olga.

Shortly after committing to this journey, she officially ended it with Olga. It was not so much a breakup as an act of disengagement; some days she actually convinces herself of this. Regardless it required some semblance of fortitude to finally override the guilt-ridden, passive-aggressive lust that propelled the relationship on her part. Olga took it well. She also took a case of an amazing Chenin Blanc from the Loire Valley that she had initially gifted to Caroline and now presumably would bestow upon another boozy, middle-aged lesbian—or, more likely, her ex—both nonetheless worthy of her considerable charm and refined palate, while leaving Caroline to the tender mercies of a sheep farmer overfond of cheap Lambrusco.

She stops for a moment to look at red roofs jutting into milk-white clouds and dwell in the newness of everything—place and memory, time and love—while accepting the sense of loss that perpetually nips at her heels. Snow flurries waltz to the ground.

Then she notices that up ahead on the road Gillian has stopped and turned around. Head tilted, she critically eyes Caroline as she would a lagging, miscreant ewe—as if to say, come along now.

Grimacing, Caroline takes long strides to catch up. She apologizes on arrival, insincerity muffled through the cashmere scarf.

Gillian carries a long, sturdy branch found earlier on the road. Alternately she’s been using it as a walking stick and brandishing it as a weapon, whacking at husked, brittle weeds lining the road, sadistically poking at stones. Idly she whips it around her body while frowning at Caroline.

What were ya doing back there? she asks.

Contemplating life’s mysteries. Appreciating the sublimity of nature. Oh, and staring at your ass. Not necessarily in that order.

Bashful at the compliment, Gillian lowers her head and grins. Then, wryly: So you weren’t stopping ’cause those boots are hurting you?

Not a bit, Caroline lies.

You’re limping, she says, and then nods in the direction of the winery. D’ya think they send out Saint Bernards with little wine flasks to rescue snotty English bitches who don’t wear proper footwear whilst they wander about the countryside?

That would be marvelous.

Gillian points up ahead at a copse of trees. The gesture is so startling and beautiful and confident that Caroline wants to seize her hand—ungloved, snowflake caught and melting on her thumbnail—and kiss it.

Right up there, she says, past those trees, is a shortcut through the wood to the vineyard. If you can make it, we could walk there. Couple glasses might revive you for the walk home.

And if it doesn’t?

Reckon I’ll have to drag you back somehow.

Cavewoman.

Nah. I’m not that strong, Gillian says with a roll of her shoulders, but I’ll give it a go.

Au contraire.

That’s the first bit of French out of your mouth since we got here.

You’ve been doing well enough for both of us, Caroline says, so why bother? She leans into Gillian, quietly pleased at the arm that automatically wraps around her waist. Then she presses her face into the crown of Gillian’s hair, kisses it, and says, I’ve always believed—she begins shakily, pauses clumsily—always known—you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Gillian pulls back and stares at her, unsure if what she’s saying is an obvious revelation or a faithful misrepresentation of the brutal facts that comprise her life. She thinks that Gillian usually skews toward the latter as a default viewpoint, and realizes it may take a lifetime for her to sort it, to undo it. If ever. What surprises Caroline is not this but the belief, settling into her bones and countering her own misguided self-assessments, that she is finally brave enough to be fully present in Gillian’s life.

On the walk home, both of them tipsy and tired, they see the Rambouillet merino ambling across an open field into the setting sun. And he is beautiful.

#are we cool vincent #last tango in sheep infatuation #Caroline x Gillian #ltih

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junker-town · 5 years

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Was Isaiah Thomas’ emotional tribute video the start of a Celtics return?

The beefs is squashed, and now a return to Boston feels like an actual possibility.

Isaiah Thomas’ career has vacillated between the highest of highs and the lowest of lows more than any NBA player in recent memory. From last pick in the draft, to budding star in Sacramento, to top-5 MVP candidate in Boston, back down again to an injured, betrayed former star, and now to a non-rotation player on his third team in a year, Thomas has seen it all.

Most of those highs came with the Boston Celtics, where he emerged as the 2017 season’s unsuspected superstar and clutch playoff performer. In Boston, IT became a fan favorite considering his 5’9 size and unwavering spirit to fight on, even after the sudden death of his sister.

That relationship fell after Thomas was traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers in exchange for Kyrie Irving in the summer of 2017. This jump-started an IT vs. Celtics feud that persisted for more than a year. Thomas said in the months that followed that he might not talk to Celtics GM Danny Ainge again, and he launched a Players Tribune series to talk about the heartache of getting dumped.

But two years after that deal, the sides have made amends. That was proven after IT got the tribute video from Boston that was put on hold last season.

The Celtics' tribute to Isaiah Thomas is the best thing you'll see all day @NBATV pic.twitter.com/dibLif7Vu2

— SB Nation (@SBNation) March 19, 2019

IT was clearly emotional while watching the video that appeared during the first timeout of the game. He soaked in the moment and held back tears.

After the game, IT gave his thanks

Thomas tweeted “Damn that was special!!!!” to show his appreciation after the tribute video.

Damn that was special!!!!!

— Isaiah Thomas (@isaiahthomas) March 19, 2019

He also went on to compliment Brad Stevens as one of the best coaches he’d ever had, and showed love to the city of Boston in general.

"That love is genuine" - @isaiahthomas ahead of tonight's game in Boston. pic.twitter.com/91GeBrhblg

— NBA TV (@NBATV) March 18, 2019

Thomas: Everywhere I go in this city, especially when I was playing here, my family couldn’t even go to many places without being noticed, being asked for pictures and things like that. This city is one of a kind. I’ve said it since I’ve been here. All I did was go out there and give 100 percent each and every time out and they fell in love with that. The love is genuine and there’s nothing fake about it. Anywhere I go in this city, people seem to show real love and I just embrace it because these types of things can be taken away from you at any moment, so I don’t take anything for granted.

All seems to have finally been forgiven, as much as it can be. By the sound of the fan applause, Boston seems to still love him through it all, too.

IT also said Boston would already have a championship if they kept him

"We would've probably won a championship already." –@isaiahthomas talking about what could've been if he stayed in Boston pic.twitter.com/sTJObe5uWw

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) March 19, 2019

IT went for the bold quote, too, when asked if he’d thought of what might’ve been if he’d stayed in Boston. “We would’ve probably won a championship already,” he said.

Would the Celtics have beaten the Warriors with a healthy IT? Probably not. But responses like this are why he became a Boston favorite.

This totally ends up with IT in Boston again, right?

The Celtics have underachieved all season, with the team missing some unexplainable element despite what appears to be a deep, talented roster. With Irving committing and then not fully committing to staying in Boston past this season, fans are hesitant to fully embrace their new point guard, too. This team doesn’t evoke the same joy as the IT-led years.

Thomas would likely be available for cheap this summer, assuming Denver doesn’t want him back. For Boston, he’d be a brilliant locker room presence and another reason for Celtics fans to love their team again, assuming he’d want to play a backup role. He had interest last summer, calling Ainge during free agency.

“I know we left on bad terms with me being traded,” Thomas told the Boston Globe ahead of his tribute return. “I wanted them to know that the interest was there. I didn’t know if they were interested, and I wasn’t saying I wanted to come back and be the guy. I was just saying if the opportunity presents itself, just know I’m interested. That’s all it was.”

Thomas is not likely to return with the Nuggets next season, as he’s already fallen out of the team’s rotation. Will Ainge and the Celtics want to sign IT and bring this drama full circle? There’d certainly be reason if Boston falls flat in the playoffs like they have in the regular season.

“You never know,” Thomas told the Globe. “You can’t predict the future. My options are always open for anybody. I’m a Denver Nugget now, but I’m a free agent at the end of the season, and you never know what can happen. Who knows?”

How dominant was IT in Boston? Re-watch this Prada’s Pictures breakdown from 2017 to see.

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mrmichaelchadler · 6 years

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Home Entertainment Consumer Guide: September 20, 2018

10 NEW TO NETFLIX

"Black Panther" "Brick" "The Endless" "Groundhog Day" "The River wild" "Role Models" "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" "The Third Man" "Unforgiven" "The Witch"

6 NEW TO BLU-RAY/DVD

"Beast"

I try not to show preference in this column for films on which I'm quoted on the cover but, naturally, the quote serves as a sort of endorsement on its own (except for the few times in which a word or two has been hilariously pulled from negative reviews to promote bad movies). I saw "Beast" a year ago as a part of my TIFF 2017 coverage and I was happy to see star Jessie Buckley earning raves yet again this year for "Wild Rose" (which I, sadly, couldn't get to). She deserves to be a huge star, giving one of those unforgettable young performances here that heralds something special. "Beast" is a character drama wrapped in a mystery, a clever look at that time in our lives when we're attracted to danger. It would make a great rental for you this weekend. Just trust me.

Buy it here

Special Features The Making of Beast - Featurette A Look at Beast - Photo Gallery

"Hereditary"

One of the most divisive films of 2018 is also one that I can guarantee you that people will be watching years from now. And I'm not saying that only because I happen to be very strongly in the "pro-Hereditary" camp but for two reasons. One, it's of a genre that often persists. No one embraces their darlings like horror fans. (And I can't believe I have to say it but this IS a horror movie.) Two, it's a movie that honestly got people talking. As much as I love the film itself, I also adore the passionate debate around it, particularly the understandable frustrations I heard with the ending. For me, the film won me over long before then, particularly on a performance level. Few actors, if any, did more committed, fearless work than Toni Collette.

Buy it here

Special Features Deleted Scenes "Cursed: The True Nature of Hereditary" Featurette "Evil in Miniature" Photo Gallery

"Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom"

No one is more surprised than me at how much I enjoyed the fifth "Jurassic" sequel, especially given the dismal batting average since Steven Spielberg's influential classic. Listen, "Fallen Kingdom" is not going to be on anyone's top ten at the end of the year, but this is what the previous films forgot to be: fun. It helps greatly that it has an actual director in J.A. Bayona who somehow finds a way to blend Hammer horror movies with the Crichton universe and creates a final hour here that I found thoroughly entertaining. Pratt is still as dull a lead as you'll find in a Hollywood blockbuster, but this thing has a visual language lacking from so many other Summer 2018 films, and a closing section that I really adored. I feel like it was easy for a lot of critics to write this movie off - and I certainly did given how much I hated the last one - but it's one of my biggest surprises of the year. Maybe it will be one of yours too.

Buy it here

Special Features The Kingdom Evolves Return to Hawaii Island Action Aboard the Arcadia Start the Bidding! On Set with Chris & Bryce Birth of the Indoraptor Death by Dino . Monster in a Mansion Rooftop Showdown Malcolm's Return VFX Evolved Fallen Kingdom: The Conversation Jurassic Then and Now

"A Nightmare Before Christmas"

It's been 25 years since Tim Burton's "A Nightmare Before Christmas" opened in theaters, making a relatively small amount of money in 1993 for a Disney animated film (under $50 million). In the two-and-a-half decades since, Burton's vision has become a money machine for Disney, producing new tie-in products and DVD/Blu-ray releases with regularity. Why should you consider getting it again? Well, this is the sing-along version, which may be attractive to some people, especially young ones, but the real draw is the two short films that inspired Jack Skellington, Burton's early works "Vincent" and "Frankenweenie." It's Jack's world, we just live in it.

Buy it here

Special Features Tim Burton's Early Film: "Vincent" The Making of Deleted Storyboards Deleted Animated Sequences Tim Burton's Early Film: "Frankenweenie" (Uncut Version) "What's This?" Jack's Haunted Mansion Tour Tim Burton's Original Poem Narrated by Christopher Lee Storyboard-to-Film Comparison Theatrical Trailer Teaser Trailer

"Ocean's 8"

What an amazing cast! What an OK movie. To be honest, it would be hard to not at least deliver mediocre escapism with this all-star line-up of talent, and that's exactly what Gary Ross and the team behind this inferior "Ocean's sequel does. Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Sarah Paulson, Rihanna, and especially Anne Hathaway are having a blast in this heist movie about jewelry theft from the Met Gala, but the script here is depressingly flat. Ross does the best he can to find the pace and rhythm in it, but this flick lacks the wit and creativity of the best heist movies. Just putting these Oscar, Emmy, and Grammy winners on the same screen provides just enough inherent spark to justify a rental, but lower those expectations that the casting director won't be the MVP of this particular venture.

Buy it here

Special Features A Heist in Heels - Featuruette Ocean's Team 3.0 - Featurette Reimagining the Met Gala - Fetaurette Deleted Scenes

"Won't You Be My Neighbor?"

I hate to be a grumpy critic, but I'm disappointed in how many of my colleagues have wholeheartedly embraced this doc, one of the most profitable films of its kind in years but a perfect example for me of the issue of "form vs. content." Yes, the content here is undeniably great. Fred Rogers was progressive, brilliant, and empathetic, the kind of person we could certainly use more of in 2018. But the movie about him is clunky, over-using score and episodic in its structure. I was frustrated by a movie that I kept wanting to be better than I think it is simply because of how much I love its subject matter. Most people won't care and there's inherent value in getting Mr. Rogers' life and message to more people. But that doesn't mean this couldn't have been a better movie.

Buy it here

Special Features -Nothing

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fitono · 6 years

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Is “Saying No” Really the Difference Between Successful and Very Successful Fitness Pros?

If you’ve reached the point in your career where new opportunities are coming your way with regularity, you’ve probably considered this quote from Warren Buffett:

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

I hear this a lot, from executives to entrepreneurs to personal trainers and nutrition coaches. And that concerns me.

You see, I believe it’s actually bad advice for those early in their careers. That’s because, when you’re starting out, you need to do the opposite and actually say yes to almost everything.

Later in your career, when you’re at a stage when you need to say no, how you turn someone down matters. You can’t take the infantile and myopic approach too many people use.

I think it’s long past time to add a little perspective and nuance to the “just say no” conversation. Because, ultimately, this conversation is about your time:

How to use it on activities that bring great value.

How to view your career as a series of stages, each of which requires different ways of using your time.

How to gratefully and gracefully say no to opportunities that might not be a great fit for you at the current stage of your personal or professional growth.

From Hearing No to Saying No

I’ve personally experienced five different stages in my career, each of which required a different approach to accepting or declining opportunities.

Stage One: You have no opportunities at all

This is where I started 20 years ago, and where you may be right now.

You don’t have the luxury of saying yes or no because no one’s offering you anything. You’re out there begging for someone else to say yes.

And, honestly, that’s the way it should be. Early in our careers, no matter what innate talent or skill we have, we haven’t yet done enough reps to warrant opportunities.

Of course you want (and need) the opportunities. But why should anyone give you a shot when there are better, more practiced, and more experienced people out there?

That’s why, when someone does give you a chance, there’s only one answer: “Yes!”

At this stage, everything’s a yes. Because you need the reps, you need the money (if they’re paying), you need to figure out what you enjoy doing (in practice, not in theory), and you need to discover what you find rewarding vs. what you think you’ll find rewarding.

Then, if you’re lucky, you get to Stage Two.

Stage Two: You get your first opportunities

Hurray! People are now coming to you, asking you to do things without you having to go out and solicit them.

Nevertheless, like the previous stage, almost everything’s still going to be a yes.

Why?

You still need money, and when you say yes to something, there’s usually a paycheck at the other end.

Whether there is or isn’t, you still need reps. Some of the best opportunities—working at a charity bootcamp, writing a guest post, speaking to the trainers at a friend’s gym—won’t pay you a dollar, but they’ll help you develop your skills in those areas.

You also need to figure out who you are, what you do best, and what you enjoy doing. The best way to learn is to jump on almost every opportunity and see what works for you and what doesn’t.

Now, I say “almost every opportunity” here because some offers at this stage are a “hell no.”

At this point you know enough to see when an opportunity is total crap for you. It might be reputation damaging, zero fun, inconsistent with what you believe your goals to be, or inconsistent with who you think you are as a person. And you now have the luxury to steer clear.

But still, 90 percent of the time, your answer to any offer should be “yes.”

Stage Three: You can start to pick and choose

Here, in the middle of the continuum, you’re starting to learn which things fill your cup and feel good for your soul. You’re starting to figure out which things lead to a short-term return and which lead to a longer-term return.

At this stage you’ll have an innate “gut feeling” about your value and your values, and you can say yes or no based on what gives you a financial or emotional return on your investment, whichever is most important at the time.

Stage Four: Almost everything is a no

“You want to contribute to this chapter?”

“You want to write a book?”

“You want to speak at my event?”

You’re getting loads of opportunities, and you’re also getting a lot of time-sucking requests.

Stop for a moment and consider how amazingly blessed you are, especially considering how bereft of opportunities you were at Stage One.

No, really. Let that sink in.

Because, at this stage, it’s so easy to forget that once upon a time no one cared about your opinion or wanted your services. So don’t turn into one of those ungrateful bastards who forget where they came from and seem angered by new opportunity.

Yes, when somebody asks you to read her book, of course it’s a big ask, and of course you’ll have to pass. But still, somebody wants you to read their book!

You should feel honored, but you still might need to turn it down because the time investment may not help build toward your own big, ambitious goals, or square with your value system and idea of meaningful work.

It’s now imperative to develop a set of criteria to decide which opportunities align with your personal and professional goals, and which don’t. You can run each new offer through this very explicit filter to make sure you’re taking advantage of the right ones for you.

Stage Five: You’re beyond saying no

Nowadays I’m the luckiest guy in the world. I get so many opportunities, it’s like people are firing them at me with a semi-automatic rifle. If I didn’t have a system in place I could spend every minute of every day reading and responding to them.

I’m not exaggerating. I could spend a 60-hour week just evaluating opportunities and following up with the good folks who sent them over. Which means I’d have no time to actually make good on them.

So, how do I get beyond just saying no?

The simple answer: I have other people evaluate all these opportunities, and say no when it’s appropriate. They can do that because of the criteria I created in Stage Four. That’s how they know which ones to pass along to me, and which ones to gracefully decline.

One more thought:

There may be even more levels beyond this one. If you talk to someone who’s been successful into his 60s or 70s, you may learn there’s a Stage Six, Seven, or Eight. But this is all I’ve experienced, and I never forget how incredibly lucky I am to get to Stage Five.

Establishing Your Criteria

A generation ago, the biggest names in fitness, nutrition, and strength and conditioning built their reputations by getting out there and speaking at events 50 weeks a year.

Some of these folks were my heroes, and some were my mentors. At the same time, many of them were divorced, estranged from their children, and massively unhappy.

Now, I’m not here to judge any of that. I just realized, early on, that I didn’t want that for my life. Which is why I established a clear set of priorities, and these criteria have persisted for more than a decade now:

Priority: Be an active, present partner to my wife and parent to our four children.

Priority: Devote adequate time to self-care (exercise, nutrition, sleep, stress management).

Priority: Within my work hours, do everything I can to serve and build the Precision Nutrition brand and community.

Your criteria will certainly be different from mine. You should get a pretty good idea of what they are during Stage Three, and codify them in Stage Four.

Once you’ve chosen them, you simply need to run every opportunity through your priority filter by asking a few questions. These are the ones I ask:

“Does this help me become a more present parent or partner?”

“Does this help me with my health, fitness, sleep, and stress management?”

“Will this make a big impact on the growth of Precision Nutrition?”

If it’s “no” to all those things, it’s something I can’t do, even if it scratches my “I get to take a cool trip” itch, or my “I get to connect with someone I really respect” itch, or my “I get to try something new” itch.

Without this filtering system, I would be tempted to say yes to all those things in the moment. Here’s a specific example:

A friend and colleague recently asked me to speak at a world-renowned symposium in Olympia, Greece. No, not the Mr. Olympia. This is the real Olympia, the site of the original Olympic games, where they preserve the ancient ruins and house an international learning academy.

Awesome, right? I nearly rushed into saying yes.

But what about my criteria? Will this help me spend family time? Will it help Precision Nutrition? Will it help with my own health and fitness? No, no, and no.

But I really wanted to go! So I looked for loopholes. What if I bring my whole family? What if we rent a villa and stay nearby? Is it still a no?

Because our youngest is one year old, I realized bringing the whole family halfway around the world wasn’t right for us. It crushed me to turn it down, but I had no other choice.

To be sure, most of the requests that come to the staff at Precision Nutrition aren’t nearly so epic. We get loads of offers to do podcasts, articles, and seminars. I’ll never hear about any of them until they’ve been screened.

Let’s say we get a request for me to go on a podcast. Our team will do a little research. What’s it about? How many listeners does it have? How many people have rated it on iTunes? Who else has been interviewed?

It takes a lot for a proposal to reach me. Is it the biggest possible thing with the biggest possible impact? If not, someone else on the team can handle it.

Your criteria are certainly different from mine. For example, if a reporter from the New York Times or Washington Post calls you, and you’ve never done an interview with them before, you should do it. Same with a chance to go on CNN or the Today Show or a popular podcast, or to contribute to a major magazine or website.

But if the request is for something that doesn’t fit your criteria, you need to say no. And that brings us to the most important part of this story.

How to Say No

Nobody says this explicitly, but running beneath a lot of the “always say no” sentiment I see—especially on social media—is something like this:

“Once upon a time I realized I was saying yes to too many things. That’s when I put a stake in the ground. People have to know how valuable my time is. So, now, when people offer me opportunities and invite me to events, I’m relentless. I let them know what a big deal I am and how they’re standing in the way of my goals.”

Right. How dare they offer you money and a chance to be involved in something?

While I totally understand the need to have clear boundaries (see above), viewing opportunity as an invasion of your carefully curated life is myopic and infantile.

Worse yet, the result is usually an off-putting dismissal of the opportunity, no matter how nice you think you are when turning someone down.

“Thanks for the offer but I have to very carefully guard my precious time.”

Here’s a much better way to say no.

Step 1: Express gratitude

Even if it’s not the most exciting opportunity I’ve gotten, I still make a point to remember when no one gave a damn about me. So this is the first thing I say:

“Dear Marcus,

“Thank you so much for thinking about me. It means a lot that you shared this opportunity.”

Step 2: Show respect for their project

Just because you can’t say yes to the project right now doesn’t mean it’s not a worthwhile endeavor. That’s why I say something like this:

“Your project sounds really cool, and I’d love to help. However, I’m working on this other thing right now, and I have to stay 100 percent focused on it.

“The truth is, I’m intrigued by what you’re doing, and I’d love to get involved, but I don’t think I have the capacity to give it the attention it deserves.”

Notice that it isn’t all about me. I’m not saying, “Don’t you know I’m a busy guy? Don’t you know I have my own priorities?”

What I’m saying is, “Your thing is cool! Keep doing it! I just can’t be involved right now. And if I were to be involved, I’d do a bad job because I can’t devote enough time to it.”

I’m not lying when I say it. If I could only give it five minutes, it’s completely honest to tell him his project deserves more than five minutes.

Step 3: Come through for them

Step back for a moment and ask yourself why the person came to you in the first place. Do they need you specifically, or do they need someone like you? As much as I like to think I’m special, and no one else can fill my shoes, it’s not true.

If someone asks you to speak at an event, and there are 20 other speakers, they don’t need you. They just need a speaker. Or they need an expert to quote in an article. Whatever it is, you’re now going to give them what they need:

“I’d love to recommend my friend Brett. I’m not sure if he’s available, but if he is, he’d be awesome for this project.

“And if he doesn’t work out, you might also try my friend Geoff. He’d be great too. Or my friend Krista. She’s amazing.”

Now, instead of burning a bridge by just saying no, I’ve built three or four. I’ve built a bridge to them by helping to solve their problem. And I’ve built bridges to Brett, Geoff, and Krista, because they’re going to find out I recommended them for an event or an interview they wouldn’t otherwise have had a chance to do.

Step 4: Keep the door open

In closing, I say something like this:

“In the end, I’m really, truly grateful you thought about me for this.

“I want you to know I never take opportunities like this lightly.

“If something like this comes up again, don’t hesitate to reach out. I can’t promise I’ll be able to do it, but I’m a pretty connected guy, and I can help you find the help you need.”

I’ve used this script for 10 years, and it’s worked well for a simple and important reason:

Even though you’re turning someone down, your goal isn’t to say no. It’s to accept an opportunity gratefully and gracefully, and to help that person get what she needs.

You’re not always helping her in the way she expected, but that doesn’t make your contribution any less valuable.

In fact, it’s more valuable, because instead of stopping with the one person who reached out to you, you’ve helped several others.

Final Thought: The Knight Who Says “No”

For a lot of you reading this, the idea of saying no to any of the things I’ve described must seem nuts. I used to feel that way too, until about 10 years ago, when I hit the wall.

I’d just spent an entire 40-hour work week answering inbound messages from readers and customers, and I realized I was at the limit of my human capability.

I can’t give a seminar if I’m doing that. I can’t write an article. I can’t coach a client. I can’t grow a business. I can’t do anything except that.

So I stopped.

It wasn’t easy for me, and it won’t be easy for you. Especially if your story is, “I’m the kind of person who stays connected to my fans!” Are you now the person who doesn’t care about your fans? If so, will they abandon you?

Or you may think, “What if I don’t do a favor for this person, and I need a favor later? Will they say no?”

There’s also the fear of scarcity. “What if they never offer me a thing again?”

Put those fears aside. They’re unwarranted.

If you take the time you would’ve spent saying yes to everything and use it to do great work, you’re only going to get more opportunities in the future, not fewer.

Plus, if you decline the opportunities you can’t accept with gratitude and grace, without burning the bridge between you and the person who’s asking, you don’t just enhance your own reputation. You also give deserving colleagues a chance to move forward, while helping to make the health and fitness industry a more collaborative place.

In the end, maybe Warren Buffet’s quote isn’t totally off base. But it doesn’t give us the subtlety and nuance we need to live up to our highest values, personally and professionally.

Say no when you need to say no. Just make sure you do it at the right times, and in the right way.

Bonus Video

This article was inspired by a video chat that included all-star coaches Brett Bartholomew, Geoff Girvitz, Jon Goodman, Mark Fisher, Adam Lloyd, and Krista Scott-Dixon. For a deeper dive into this subject, with insights from all of these amazing folks, check out the full video here:

vimeo

The post Is “Saying No” Really the Difference Between Successful and Very Successful Fitness Pros? appeared first on The PTDC.

Is “Saying No” Really the Difference Between Successful and Very Successful Fitness Pros? published first on https://medium.com/@MyDietArea

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